#so happy that the hrt is starting to do some very obvious work

[panda-gril]

late tgirl tummy tuesday post ( give me a break I've been busy)

I really need to get a tripod or something because it's annoying to hold the camera at these angles

@catboybiologist @star-mom-selkie @lilithtransrights @xenasaur @whalesharkcat @zerosuitsammie @godless-of-the-hunt @crystalline-fox-girl @virtualgirlafterdark

[mousegard]

why hubert von fireemblem is a trans woman

ok so this morning i wrote a rambly little essay in a discord server i’m in about why i read hubert von vestra from fire emblem three houses as a closeted/in-denial trans woman and figured i’d share it here on tumblr:

so the in-game details about hubert, the pegasus knight yearnings, the straight razor as one of his lost items (prefers a close shave... i bet you do, buddy), outright disliking being called a man is all just... so very very eggy but what really got the trans headcanon juices flowing was the way hubert talks to edelgard in their supports. particularly their c-support. the dynamic of edelgard's feelings of regret that hubert is forced to share her path in life and hubert's insistence that there is no path he would rather walk really struck a chord with me regarding gender dysphoria and what it does to you 

in my experience, most of the trans people i know, myself included, start out from the assumption that our own desires are impossible to achieve. whether because you don't yet know that trans people even exist, or because you've only ever seen them portrayed as jokes or cheap pathos perverts. even when you know that transition is possible it still feels like something you can never hope to achieve. and so since you can't live your own life, you live someone else's life. you bury that yearning part of you that knows what it wants and dedicate yourself to being the person your parents want you to be. or your friends want you to be. what your social circle expects you to be. and you say, "yes, this is what i want. this is the path i want to put my life on. this is who i am. no it doesn't bother me. i'm happy like this" 

not to discount hubert's loyalty to edelgard, of course—he's clearly a true believer in her ambitions and her goals and will do anything to bring about the world she seeks to create. and like edelgard, hubert is willing to throw aside his own desires, his own freedom to decide what is to be done with his life, so that the rest of the world can have that freedom. like edelgard is resigned to being a villain and dying a villain's death, so too is hubert resigned to being a man and living a man's life. i think details in the game, from the way he carries himself and performs masculinity, to very obvious things like the pegasus knight fixation (more on that later)

somewhat related, there are some lines in hubert’s b-support with byleth that really jump out at me when i associate them with the dynamic between edelgard and hubert:

hubert is, of course, talking about byleth in these quotes and discerning the presence of sothis within them. but, of course, there's no way for him to know just how literally correct he is in these lines. after all, only byleth can see or hear sothis. so i think the aptness of hubert's similie here and how telling the language he uses ends up being for byleth isn't just hubert talking about byleth but rather him using that imagery of a second self with desires different from one's own lurking beneath the surface to describe himself

there are no details in fe3h canon regarding how easy or difficult it would be to transition in the game's setting, which is hardly surprising, but it's a bit of a moot point. even in the modern world, with hrt more easily available than ever before in human history and the vast strides in transition related medical science that have been made through the 20th and 21st century, transitioning still feels impossible before you've started to do it. you'll tell yourself, "well, sure, that other person transitioned, but i can't, it's still impossible for me," whether because transitioning would expose you to danger in your family/larger community or because "hormones just won't work on me like they work for other people, because reasons" or both. but i digress. with fodlan's institutional heteronormativity we can assume cisnormativity as well.

thinking about how impossible it might feel to be trans in fodlan makes me think of a section of a poem written by a 14th century jewish philosopher, kalonymus ben kalonymus, that is very clearly about transfeminine longing and suggests the possibility that kalonymus may have been a trans woman. this section, titled "prayer for transformation," is such a strong examination of dysphoric feelings and despair. i personally love this poem and i have used it in other trans headcanon fics in the past, in other fandoms, and you can read the full english text beside the original hebrew here: https://opensiddur.org/prayers/civic-calendar/international/transgender-day-of-visibility/prayer-of-kalonymus-from-sefer-even-bohan-1322/

that's not even getting into hubert's overall character design—with his height, his build, and the general matt smith-esque features of his face, being a trans woman would no doubt feel more impossible in his eyes than it would be for someone who got a more "favorable" spin on the genetic roulette wheel (someone like ferdinand, perhaps, who definitely seems like he could perform androgyny or femininity with so much more ease if he were so inclined than a broad-shouldered, six-foot-two frankenstein's monster). and of course, he prefers clothes that cover from head to toe, much like edelgard herself does, hiding as much of the body he does not feel comfortable in as possible. which is, also. a very trans thing. all in all, hubert comes across as uncomfortable in his own skin and with the trappings of masculinity to a degree that honestly strikes me as entirely intentional on the writers' part, especially with this (thanks to teaspoon translations on twitter for this nugget of localization):

this in particular is what pushes my thoughts on hubert being a trans woman from "headcanon" to "no, this isn't a headcanon, this is actually just what the game's text says, and i will die on the hill of hubert having been intentionally written by someone on the writing team to have gender dysphoria and be a closeted/in-denial trans woman"

i could go into so much more detail about how hubert performs masculinity and how he leans into being off-putting and frightening around other people because it’s easier and safer than being the person he wants to be while also not wanting people to feel unsafe or uncomfortable around him (see his supports with bernadetta) but i think that’s enough on why hubert is very obviously written in-game as a closeted/in-denial trans woman for now

lastly, i want to talk about how i write transfem hubert in my fire emblem fanfics and how i picked a name for her, which of course lean harder into headcanon territory since they involve actually making things up:

the name "hubert" is derived from the germanic elements hug, "heart, mind" and beraht, "bright"—bright heart. when i was searching for a name to make hubert's own in my first transfem hubert fic, i looked for similar meanings and found "heidrun"—derived from old norse heiðr, "bright, clear" and rún, "secret"—"bright secret." a secret that has been made clear, a desire of the heart brought forth for all to see. making "heidrun" the name of an in-universe fictitious(?) (wink wink) legendary pegasus knight whose origin story was a boy being blessed by the goddess and transformed to a girl as a reward for his faith so that he could be a pegasus knight was my way of tying that name as well to hubert's feelings of religious disillusionment and complex attitude toward his faith

also if some sort of magical and/or folk medicine hrt does exist in fodlan (1.) manuela definitely knows about it and (2.) a couple years of facial feminization via hormone replacement would make heidrun look like sigourney weaver and i think that’s great

also also jeritza is also very arguably canonically transfem in the same respect, but you can go to @strawberry-crocodile​ to learn more about that because i am not the jeritza expert here. anyway both in-universe and irl edelgard von hresvelg just draws trans women toward her like stand users attracting other stand users and i think that’s real fuckin neato

[pojkflata]

Seeing critiques of transandrophobia makes it quite clear to me that most detractors believe this came out of nowhere, as if somebody rightfully called out a trans man on his misogyny once and he instantly snapped and became a reactionary gamer bro. So I'd like to tell you that at least in my case, this has been brewing in me for some time with the rise of a new transphobic movement that specifically targets transmascs, and I gave you not one, not two, but three chances to take my worries seriously. If you don't like seeing me discuss my oppression like this, it's your fault for not being there for me when you had the chance.

April 2019

The Swedish national broadcaster puts out a documentary about trans healthcare. It's bad. It's really bad. It lies about the ease of access to HRT and concern trolls about an "explosive rise in mentally unstable girls identifying as transgender". It cites an at the time obscure study suggesting that being trans, specifically transmasc, is communicable. It's pseudoscience, but nobody cares. A woman goes on national television funded by tax payer money to complain about being silenced. Parents come in to misgender their sons, and shortly thereafter one of these sons talks on social media about how his mother was lying through her teeth the entire time. No trans person is allowed to speak. The documentary is mass reported for its obvious bias, misinformation and invading the privacy of a trans man. In the end, it's only charged for the privacy breach - in the eyes of the public, the bias and misinformation are forgivable. A sequel is released in the fall of the same year when they actually bring in a trans person... a trans woman. As if to say "this is what a real trans looks like, unlike you mentally unstable girls". They then announce that they are detransitioning and calls themselves a "effeminate gay in a woman's body". Now the narrative is more like "if even this real trans wasn't actually trans, what makes you think you could be?"

My mental immune system went into overdrive, I panicked. This was new to me but I knew we would have to deal with this brand of transphobia for a long time going forward. I also knew that these people obviously hated trans men and trans men specifically, this was reactionary pushback against increased visibility. "No, you can't take up space like this, what about the children?" This rhetoric is also literal gaslighting - it teaches you that if you happen to be a trans man, especially if you came out as a teen and/or you're ND, you can't trust what's going on inside your own head, you're delusional, and you certainly don't deserve healthcare. I write a tumblr post describing to the best of my abilities why this is dangerous. It gets a couple of dozen notes, but not much else. I try to rationalize it - the post was written in panicked delirium and I didn't know what to call this rhetoric, I knew calling it "transmisandry" would get me laughed out of the room. Additionally, this isn't happening in the US (yet), so I have to be happy I even got notes at all.

I was pre-T at the time and I was terrified that this would prevent me from transitioning. Knowing that this documentary is now what most people in my country believe about me is a horrifying thought. At least one Swedish trans man attempted suicide following the documentary. As for me, I started crossing streets without looking for cars.

Strike one.

June 2020

An author whose work I never particularily cared about has a twitter meltdown over language designed to include me. She cries about feeling dehumanized by being called a person. Shortly thereafter she writes a full manifesto justifying her TERF sympathies. But this doesn't look like the typical TERF rant. While she goes over some very classic and violent TERF rhetoric like calling trans women predators, she spends even more words on regurgitating the rhetoric I knew from more than a year before. Some people sound the alarm about what this might mean for trans men, but they're shut down - TERFs don't hate trans men! Look, she said she included you! Just don't think too much about the fact that the reason this happened to begin with was that she threw a hissy fit over having to include me.

I try to rationalize this response again - this is many people's first exposure to this rhetoric, they just might not know quite what to make of it.

Strike two.

Summer 2020

A book is published once again rife with the rhetoric I was now very familiar with. The author is invited to the biggest podcast in the world where she says word salad about how people like me are women with unresolved body image issues and that's why we transition - T redistributes fat storage, that must sound awesome to women who hate their bodies. Just don't think too hard about how T actually allocates more fat to the stomach and how a woman with body image issues would realistically react to such a development.

The book itself is also vile. It misgenders trans men whose lives were lost to hate crimes. It fetishizes my reproductive organs, claiming that maintaining my fertility is more important than my wellbeing. I'm reduced to a breeding stock, what a shockingly feminist move.

It openly hates trans men who are out and proud with their experiences, it accuses them of stealing their children in a manner not unlike how autism parents talk about autism. But this might be worse - these are individuals who are being blamed. It makes uncomfortable remarks about their bodies and many of them are harrassed following the publication of this book.

At this point you have to stretch ridiculously far to claim that this isn't about hating trans men. I gave the people who should've been there for me the benefit of the doubt, and they proved me wrong. "Who do you think she believes is doing the seducing? It's trans women" I actually paid attention and she clearly blames trans men, why are you being this willfully ignorant? Does acknowledging the truth force you to reconsider your worldview?

Strike three.

That's when I ran out of patience. I realized the larger trans community was incapable of handling my issues with any tact or grace. We needed new terminology and rhetoric to address this emerging reactionary movement that specifically and obviously hates me and my brothers. And I refuse to back down now.

[the-colony-roleplay]

Annie Perrault | Twenty Three;  Survivor

House: Delma Security Class: 2 Status: Deluded

History

Anxiety has always been an issue for Annie Perrault, so you can imagine that in the wake of the ‘end of the world’ she’s not exactly sure-footed.

As a child, Annie was nothing out of the ordinary. She was well-behaved and excitable, close with her older sister, sweet with her parents, and confident in her gender identity from a young age. But she’d always been a shadow of the personality her sister boasted and though this had never posed an issue in her younger years, everything changed when she entered middle school.

Not only were kids more competitive and more judgmental, but her parents had also removed her from the private school environment, enrolling her into public instead, which was really a whole other ball game. Annie had been looking forward to it, as the idea of meeting new people that had only ever known her as female presenting seemed thrilling, but as it would turn out, if students weren’t teasing her for her shy and quiet behaviour, it was her gangly height that made her a target, or how often she put up her hand in class.  They goaded Annie to the point of tears, insecurity, and a sudden unwillingness to participate in school. She didn’t dare raise her hand anymore, because she couldn’t stand the looks her bullies would shoot her, the things they’d whisper behind binders when the teachers weren’t listening.

The bullying escalated over the years to constant emotional torture and even violence, and eventually Annie became scared to leave the house or encounter people at all. When her family moved to a new city a couple years later, she hoped to get a fresh start. And though the move allowed her to escape the worst of her bullying, years of anxiety and fear of social situations, couldn’t simply be erased overnight.

Annie became determined to be a stronger person, but her desperation for it had her throwing herself somewhat blindly into her responsibilities and school work. It made it challenging to handle her stress levels because she wouldn’t give herself a moment to relax, a moment to unclench, because everything was a fight and she was constantly on the edge of panic. This was not helped when she was finally old enough to start HRT—the early stages of hormone therapy increasing her anxiety at times and making her moods unpredictable. 

Graduating year was an especially hard one, with preparation for college now a factor. She developed a rather severe addiction to caffeine, one that had been ebbing its way into problematic over the past year or so, but flared dangerously in her 12th year. She began avoiding sleep—first it was an inability to turn off her brain—the constant worrying and anxiety making it almost impossible, not to mention the caffeine—but over the months, her decreased mental health twisted it into a confused fear of sleep. Like if she slept, she would be wasting time, or if she slept, she might not wake up.

A wrought mess of anxiety and stress, Annie began having serious panic attacks at school. Even just having her shoulder inadvertently knocked in the hall would make her flinch, her throat tighten. Presentations and anticipation for tests could cause her to hyperventilate, and it got to the point that simply the fear of having another attack could bring one on—a cruel irony.

Eventually, Annie’s parents withdrew her from school to complete the rest of her final year from home. When she graduated, her mother took her to London as a reward, thinking that the holiday would be good for her, and that they might get some quality time together.

That was when the world ended, and Annie was left alone.

Annie Today

Infections of the apocalypse touched Annie and her fear of sleep with cruel, ironic fingers. After the End of the world, Annie woke believing that she’d simply fallen asleep again—but for the last time. She was convinced she was living in a nightmare, stuck here as punishment, for not being strong enough, good enough, smart enough.

Six years have passed, and though she still believes herself to be a permanent resident of a dream world, she is much the same person she used to be. The loss of her family and her classified delusion has put her on a very slow track of recovery, and she spends several hours a week in therapy—partially because it’s where she goes when she doesn’t know where else to. Though this nightmare has been hellish, she’s found that there are some kind people here, and the therapist’s chair has become a sort of comfort for her. Something that feels a little more connected with the real world she’d left behind, perhaps because it’s familiar—not unlike the therapists chairs she’d sat in week after week while she was in school and suffering debilitating anxiety.

She has fewer panic attacks than she used to, and having gotten accustomed to her surroundings, her generalized anxiety is a little less prominent. Finally being able to get an implant that keeps her hormone levels consistent has done wonders for her happiness as she feels more secure in her body than ever. But there are times that she will still stay awake for days, sometimes weeks, because going to sleep in her nightmare has done nothing in the past 300 some-odd weeks to get her back to the real world—so maybe by some backwards logic, the trick is to stay awake. To not be rested in this universe, because as long as she’s sustaining life here, here is where she’ll stay.

Unfortunately, neither of these theories have paid off, and at the tail end of these insomniac phases, which are fuelled on fear and as much caffeine as she can get off the black market, she’ll reliably crash hard, find some kind of normalcy for a week or two, and then cycle back.

Obviously her mental condition and lack of sleep don’t make her the best candidate for training and the games. But she finds, despite her obvious disadvantages, she wants to do well. These people of her living nightmare have grown to mean something to her, especially those in her dorm, and she doesn’t like the idea of disappointing them, real or not. Some days she’ll make it all the way through training without too much incident, others the pressure will be too much, and she’ll crack under it.

She excels most in the area of archery, however, because it is a sport that requires silence, patience, and even breathing. In fact, it works a bit like meditation for her, and though she isn’t known for her performances in endurance or direct competition scenarios, she will actually spend some of her free time doing target practice. It helps to clear her head, and give her some sense of peace of mind.

TAKEN

[deacons-wig]

k so we know how you feel about trans deacon, but what about trans piper?

Ah, it seems I’m on-brand. Not sure if you wanted a simple “trans Piper is valid” take, or my opinions? But I’ve got lots! Welcome to my Ted Talk.

I am Here for trans Piper. It’s interesting you asked about her since I’ve put some thought into her meta recently.

As a note: I like my post-apocalyptic hellscape to be transphobia-free. It’s nice to create full story arcs without relying on trans angst. I also imagine HRT is still a thing, but that’s a different meta post I will craft eventually.

SO! Trans Piper is beautiful. Love to see trans women portrayed as  intelligent, passionate, funny, and caring. That’s Piper. Yes please.

Here are some headcanons:

Piper realized she was trans in her teens. Once she worked it out, she proceeded with conviction, just like she proceeds with everything else.

Her dad helped her pick out her name, because she always “piped up” to call out injustice and share her opinions, and he loved that about her. (Give me a moment to sob quietly.)

Another reason for moving to Diamond City was for access to gender affirming care. Saving up caps for the move AND the care was difficult and she felt guilty and selfish for putting her sister through it.

She and Nat talk about gender a lot. Nat knows if she is ever questioning, she can talk to Piper.

Piper is bi, but pretty sapphic. She finds joy in connecting with other women on a platonic and romantic level. I deeply ship Piper and Ellie Perkins. Their found family dynamic in Diamond City (with Nick as an uncle figure) lives rent free in my head.

At the start of a romance with Sole, Piper worries that Blue holds old-world prejudices about trans people. This explains some of her awkwardness and surprise at Blue’s interest. If Piper has to do a lot of emotional labor educating Blue, the relationship won’t take off because Piper does not have patience for it, which is extremely valid of her.

In canon, Piper has experienced a lot of harassment, specifically because of her relentless muckraking. I take a hard line that being trans woman never put her in more danger. I’m not comfortable with, nor interested in exploring that kind of story.

Piper has a lot of growing to do regarding Synths. Empathizing with their identity-questioning helps build some understanding, since it’s easy to draw parallels between synths and gender identity.

I want to throw in some pitfalls when developing trans characters, specifically related to Deacon and Piper. See below the cut.

You mentioned my love of trans Deacon. I am very cautious about falling into the “transgender deceiver” trope with him, because Deacon is a trickster and a liar at his core. When I write him, I make sure that his gender is not tied to his lying. He may fuck with gender as a form of disguise or because it’s fun, but I don’t use trans angst as rationale for his psychological…quirks.

When thinking about Piper’s character tropes and personality, something else comes to mind. There is a trend in toxic parts of the Fallout fandom to hate on Piper for being aggressive, abrasive and annoying, which I really, really loathe for obvious reasons. Applied to trans Piper, this falls neatly into the transmisogyny of stereotyping trans women as…well…aggressive and abrasive. It’s extremely harmful and extremely common and should be avoided at all costs. Piper is not abrasive, she is passionate. Women are allowed to have opinions and be loud about it, ect. I know I’m preaching to the choir on this, but it’s something I try to be actively conscious of.

Anyway, for those of you who made it to the end, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Always happy to answer asks and contribute to the Trans Fallout agenda. Take whatever you like from this meta and run with it.

[cjwallflower]

Marvel Gender Headcanons

because i doubt some of these people are cis

Peter: 

i claim this man for the trans community

he realised he was trans at around present time (15-16 years old)

he knows his family and friends will accept him

he’s still N E R V O U S

but he still wants to be true to his identity

so he wears the trans flag colours!!

Ned obvs catches on, but doesn’t say anything

Tony’s the first one Peter comes out to, bc i’m soft and irondad owns my heart

Tony gets him a spider suit with a binder built in

Peter is absolutely the kind of trans guy who forgets to take off his binder (i’m not projecting what do you mean)

he comes out to his aunt May next, and she breaks out the scissors

the other eventually figure it out, and they accept him immediately

Peter: Hey Clint?

Clint: Yo

Peter: I’m trans

Clint: *takes a gulp of his soda* wig

Peter: ???

they love him though let’s be real

Natasha Punches A Transphobe

someone calls Peter a tr*nny 

Natasha sends them on a one way trip to space :)

Peter absolutely decides to go on T

and he is a handsome!! boy!!

he eventually tells Ned and MJ, and they accept him too

Ned buys him a trans flag

NED BUYS HIM A TRANS FLAG

by the time they’re graduating high school, Peter passes as cis very well

Tony:

i’m claiming Tony as trans too

i promise there’s other gender identities here jdsfhkhsdfkjh

Tony came out in the 80s of all times

we know Howard

it didn’t go over well

Maria didn’t say much about it, but Howard was actively against it

Tony didn’t care at all

he literally snuck out and got a fake ID so he could start on T

Tony was almost 18 at that point, but he still used Howard’s money

just to piss him off

well Howard ended up dying like 3 years later

Maria survived because fuck you

but Tony never ended up getting any surgeries because he ended up getting busy with the company

he just didn’t have time, with all the recovery that goes into it

he’s still on T though!!

mans has tiddies and a beard, the boomers get confused

he tends to keep it more private though

Pepper knows, how could she not?

Pepper is the sole reason Tony survived to adulthood lbr

Peter found out accidentally

Tony got oil on a shirt while fixing one of his machines, and Peter walked in while he had it off

he saw the binder and boyyy was that a surprise

but it totally explained how Tony already knew so much about supporting Peter in his transition

the problem with being an ADHD workaholic?? 

hyperfocusing

when Tony hyperfocuses, he forgets to take off his binder

Jarvis: Sir, you need to take off your binder

Tony: Gimme like five more minutes, I need to finish this

Jarvis: Sir, it’s been 38 hours??

Tony: *already moving onto the next task* What’s your point?

his ribs are so fucked

Pepper and Peter remind him too

my boy is a mess

Thor:

this is solely because my nb loml claimed thor as nb and it’s super fucking valid

i love you babe 🥺

so Thor learned about different genders from Loki

and also from Peter tbh

but Thor LOVED the idea of being in between

it just made him really happy!!

he started using those labels a lot, even though he didn’t know much about what they meant

being on Earth more, he started to learn more about them

mostly because they replaced cops at pride (Peter’s idea)

so Thor decided to learn more

he knew he liked boys, that wasn’t uncommon on Asgard

gender expression was very open, but that blurred the lines a lot for him

when he got to non-binary, it clicked

“oh that sounds like me”

“THATS ME”

he was excited he’d figured it out

his immediate instinct?

he went to tell Loki

the only problem was Loki was asleep

“LOKI LOKI LOKI-”

“what do you wANT-”

“I’M NON-LIBRARY!!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN-”

it took like ten minutes for Loki to figure out what he meant

Loki was tired give him a break

he just kinda pushed Thor’s face away and went back to sleep

they talked about it again in the morning

after Loki got some coffee he was more receptive

“I accept you, just please stop waking me up at 2 am”

Thor’s just trying his best

he doesn’t know how to be non-binary though

(there is no right way to be enby though)

so Loki tried a few example sentences using they/them pronouns

Thor LOVED it

so now Thor wanted to use they/them pronouns

Loki isn’t a brain cell by any means

but he sure feels like one sometimes

and he’s tired of it

ANYWAYS

Thor announced it to everyone they saw

some people heard it multiple times

“GUYS I’M NON-BINARY!! :D”

they were happy for their thude

and Thor wore an enby flag to their first pride!!

now the protector of the lesbians says non-library rights

Loki:

Loki basically always knew he was genderfluid

it just seemed really obvious to him?

he realised he wasn’t cis when he was 7

he transformed into a girl for fun 

and she was like “oh i like this-”

so she experimented with that

and she fucking loved all of them

so she turned back into a boy and went to Frigga

that’s how he found out about the word genderfluid

so he basically just grew up shapeshifting as much as he wanted

when they eventually went to earth, Loki couldn’t shapeshift as much

after he was redeemed, he still needed to be recognisable so they wouldn’t think he was to pull a fast one on them

he was uncomfy 

Loki stays in his room a lot

he just really doesn’t wanna deal with it

he still shapeshifts in private!

Thor ends up being the one to catch on

but he kinda knows that Loki won’t talk to him

so he sends in the spider child!

Loki and Peter have a pretty close bond

so on one of the nights they hang out, it’s a she/her day

and Loki just kinda snapped and went on a bit of a rant

and she ended up coming out to Peter

Loki totally didn’t end up crying what do you mean

she just needs a hug

obvs Peter was accepting

he gave her that hug don’t worry

this was all on a rooftop eating bad street food jhshkfhjfkhkd

he did ask if he could tell the others, and Loki reluctantly agreed

yeah, the others felt kinda bad

so they ended up compromising!!

Loki could shapeshift, but not into other people 

and she could wear whatever she wanted

they also gave her bracelets so she could express her pronouns

its a long road

and it takes a long time to build trust

but Loki really does appreciate Thor and Peter’s efforts

Bucky:

trans enby rights. send tweet

let’s jump back to 1930s

Bucky was transitioning before the war

he had the surgeries and was on T

Steve was the only one who really knew 

it was right when HRT was starting to become a thing

he was one of the first people to try it

and it worked pretty well!

Bucky passed easily after ~2 years on T

but then he died

RIP Bucky :(

when he comes back as a Hydra agent, they use T supplements to make his body stronger

“Jokes on you, I like that shit”

yeah no the others end up rescuing him from there

but Bucky still takes T

everyone is a bit worried about it

they think he’s still under Hydra’s control

Steve has to explain it (with Bucky’s permission)

but Bucky really starts feeling a disconnect with being a male

it’s mostly due to the trauma from Hydra

he knows he’s not a girl anymore

but he hates the idea of being a boy now

so he has no idea what he is

he ends up drawing the parallel between himself and Thor

but Bucky still sees some masculinity in Thor, which confuses him a LOT

Bucky’s always confused lbr

so he ends up finding the term Agender

and he understands it!! and likes it!!

he’s too nervous to tell the others, so he writes sentences using they/them pronouns

“Their name is Bucky Barnes”

“Bucky is tired, they need a nap”

“Bucky’s best friend is Steve. They’ve known Steve since the beginning”

Bucky is WAY happier with they/them pronouns

the problem is they don’t know how to communicate that

even to Steve, they’re just nervous

Steve ends up finding the paper, which now has over 100 sentences

so the next time they’re alone, Steve brings it up, and after a little bit of avoiding answering, Bucky tells him about it

Steve is super accepting 🥺

“Do you want me to tell the others for you?”

“Yes please, I have no idea what I’m doing-”

“I don’t think any of us do”

so Steve lets the others know, and they start using they/them pronouns

Bucky’s IMMEDIATELY so much happier

i just think they’re neat-

MJ:

MJ isn’t cis, fuck you

MJ is a demigirl

and no one even figured it out for the longest time

she kinda groups herself on the more non-binary side

Peter finds out because someone calls her by they/them pronouns

“MJ?? Are you?? Non-binary??”

“Nope”

“Are you still a girl??” 

“Nope”

after like 20 mins Peter figures it out

and boy is he confused

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

“I couldn’t. Gotta keep ‘em on their toes”

“Who??”

“:)”

the M in MJ stands for mystery

anyways!!

she switches from lesbian to the term Trixic (NBLW)

MJ goes to pride with Peter and Ned that year

MJ gets a girlfriend there!!

she comes out to her girlfriend upfront. she doesn’t feel like waiting

yeah she gets intense

she gets it from her moms

who can blame her

MJ sometimes wears a binder

she wore one on the first day of school, because Peter was nervous about being out (he’d come out over the summer)

MJ will punch transphobes and homophobes

even just for fun tbh

but she won’t do it immediately

she heard someone make a comment about Ned and his boyfriend and waited a few days

and then came out of nowhere

B O N K

the douchebag kinda knew why though 

in conclusion, MJ is elite

[gnostic-heretic]

Hi! I'd love for you to respond to this, but ONLY if you're comfortable! I'm planning on writing a hetalia fanfic with a trans character. I researched a bit, but I feel that my fic could be read as problematic: my trans character (MTF) is introduced as her assigned gender with a different name, only to be uncovered later. She dates pre transition, but get back together. Is this realistic? You've written fic w/ trans characters before, so can you give any tips of advice? Thank you for reading!

hey dear, thank you for reaching out! i’m more than comfortable giving advice but remember that i’m just one trans person, so this does not represent a consensus- i encourage you to reach out to a trans friend to do a sensitivity reading, if you and your friend are comfortable with that! 

i say this because a lot of people would say this scenario of portraying someone pre- and post-transition is a no-no, but i think it’s doable (i’ve done it myself!) if approached in a sensible way. 

and yes i do think it’s possible for a character to date someone, break up for unrelated reasons, transition and then meet that person again and fall in love again. it’s a sweet idea! it’d be lovely to see your character grow and be more content and confident and finally *herself*, and find love as herself :)  plus at least in my experience, a lot of cis partners of trans people do a lot of serious questioning and self exploration when their partner comes out so it can be interesting from the other character’s perspective as well. i’ve seen for example many gfs/wives of trans women realize they’re wlw when they previously never questioned their sexuality. so it can be an interesting journey for both characters to go on and for you as a writer to explore! 

my first bit of advice is to read read and read. read what trans people have to say on the subject of writing- i know there’s more than one post floating around on tumblr with advice for cis people on how to write a trans character. and read the experiences of trans people, how they talk about their own “egg cracking” (if you don’t know, i’d start by searching what “cracking your egg” means- and hint: it’s not always “i played with dolls as a child”), transition and their own past present or their future plans.  and as you read remember that there is no singular standard “trans experience”- transition is not linear, and there’s no such thing as a transition that is “complete” or “incomplete”. some trans people feel really intense dysphoria, others don’t and are mostly fine with the body they have. some trans people want to start hrt asap and to have every medical procedure available, for others, coming out is enough, in many cases they might want to have surgeries, but hormones are the only thing that’s accessible because of the cost of surgeries and long waiting lists. 

keep in mind that everyone experiences gender in their own unique way, so a trans female character doesn’t have to be hyper feminine, and a trans male character doesn’t have to be super masculine to be “good representation”. 

also i’d say to read up on harmful tropes to avoid as well, i’m gonna tell you some just off the top of my head and offer advice on how to handle tricky subjects - portraying trans people especially trans women as violent or predatory/creepy is a big NO (i know this might be obvious to you, but this is also for everyone else reading this out there). there’s nothing wrong with writing negative or morally grey characters but this is a damaging and dehumanizing trope with a long history of being used as propaganda against us. 

- on the same note i’d say to avoid portraying your character as easily offended, overly sensitive, quick to anger etc etc. another (more modern) trope used to mock and ultimately harm trans people is to paint us as “special snowflakes”

 --> a good thing to remember is that anger can be portrayed as righteous, as it is in this situation, and assertive so that would be a good place to start if you have to write about the character being rightfully angry and sad, upset at discrimination she might experience. 

- avoid the dramatic scene in which a character is found out to be trans by undressing them and “revealing” something about their body. also tied to transphobic ideas (trans people “trick” people into thinking they are their gender) and to trans panic defense that legitimizes the murder of trans people. 

 --> a good way to reveal that your character is trans is... simply to make her come out. have a talk! there’s so many possibilities from it being heavy and awkward, to light hearted and heartwarming :) 

- this one is a more complicated thing to handle, because i know some will disagree with me on it... but i’d advise you to steer away or ask for a second opinion/sensitivity reader if you’re gonna write The Sad Mirror Scene TM in which a trans person gazes at their own body in the mirror (or even without the mirror tbh) and points out everything that is “male/female” about it. personally i think it’s bad but in a more subtle way... the focus on our bodies and everything that is considered “wrong” with it can have creepy or outright transphobic implications. also it’s way overdone js 

 --> instead of the long gazing scene i’d mention those things in passing and incorporate them into her daily life, because it is something we live with every day and not just in all-at-once intense dysphoria sessions: maybe she has broad shoulders, so she wears a cute blouse with a lot of ruffles to conceal that a bit; or maybe she’s out and about, on the way to her laser hair removal appointment, and feels awkward about having a bit of shadow (so she treats herself to buying a new concealer on the way home);

 --> also don’t forget about small moments of gender euphoria and trans joy!!! so maybe she gets a new haircut after growing her hair out for a long time, or takes her estrogen for the first time and cries of happiness, or she tries on her fave bra and notices that her breasts have grown a little bit or they feel sore which is a good sign!. etc etc. these are just examples so don’t sweat it :D  but showing the happiness that comes with being trans and not just the sadness of it is really important imo for everyone thinking about writing a trans-centric story 

- in general i’d be careful for anything that implies trans people aren’t “really” the gender they are, or that deep down we’ll always be our assigned gender. sometimes it’s not the outright essentialist statements but the more subtle things that can go undetected to cis people, but we see them. stuff like: the character deadnaming/misgendering themselves (so for example, when she comes out, no “remember deadname?”, or, “i used to be a man”) equating genitals with gender (even as a joke), or making the cis experience out to be universal (that feel when pms, am i right ladies? :) <-- this kind of statement even in good intentioned fun can feel exclusionary and should be perceived as such by your character), body shaming or implying certain non-conforming characteristics (ex: a strong jawline, broad shoulders, narrow hips, small breasts on a woman) are inherently “bad” or inherent to trans people only (plenty of cis women have all of those above listed things). 

 --> i know that dysphoria can make these last things appear to be inherently negative to the person, but you might counterbalance this by making her confident about other aspects of her personality, and making your other characters compliment her and paint her insecurities in a new light. for example she might feel self conscious about her height, but maybe her love interest loves her beautiful, long legs; or maybe more simply unrelated to anything she’s insecure about, she’s smart and hard working, she’s a science genius, she’s the best of her judo class and could kick your ass, she has really nice hair, or really striking eyes, or a very pretty color of very chipped nail polish. details are the key!!! and remember that value and beauty are subjective!!!! 

and last but most important of all... please write your character as HUMAN!! we trans people are just regular people, like anyone else in the world.  we aren’t just defined by transness, we have lives and passions and talents and our own problems completely unrelated to being trans.  so please keep that in mind while writing your gal! and don’t let everything i’ve typed above intimidate you, most of it is obvious stuff and i’m sure you’ll be fine! good luck with your story!

[dnawield--a]

003. PARENTAL SKILLS

I’ve discussed on other platforms like D/iscord and my own tag ramblings, but I’ve got a mix of the original B/en 10,000 episode, the original AU episode of K/en 10, as well as O/mniverse’s end game for Ben, with my own personal touches on it.

For starters, and to make this clear: my Ben is a trans man, and Kai is a trans woman. This is only in my canon, but this is how my Ben’s future goes. He and Kai meet up during his decade long isolation after he kills V/ilgax when he’s 20 (about to be 21). They find each other again after Ben has finished taking care of a bad guy, and it’s just pure luck that he even bothers talking to her.

I’d also like to preface: these two are a bad match. Ben’s an asshole to her in a lot of aspects, and doesn’t do much in the aspect of comforting. Yeah, he’s not good at comforting people in general, but he’s constantly making comments about how they’re supposed to be together in the future DESPITE Kai’s obvious discomfort with that.

Kai doesn’t fucking like Ben as Ben; she thinks his aliens are cool, and has an affinity for one of his aliens: Wo/lfblitzer. She’s rude back to him, and at times, just rude for the sake of being rude even after he’s helped her with something. They’re just NOT a good match at all. Kai’s a bit more of a dick, but I hate the people who just outright say Kai is the ONLY shitty one in their forced shitty romance in OV. It’s bad for both, they’re both really toxic to each other, and while they had their moments where they were KINDA cute, it was brief. It’s very reminiscent of the shitty 90s romance; y’know when they’re both pricks to each other but apparently that’s charming and not an obvious red flag that these relationships tend to end in bad break ups, divorces, or separation, but WHATEVER. Glamorize a shitty time period of shitty romance in a 2010s cartoon I GUESS.

But back to shitty parenting:

So yeah, that’s the night that Gwendolyn and Kenny are conceived. Ben hasn’t been doing HRT because he just can’t keep track of how long it’s been, and at this point, he’s already had top surgery. He’s always in alien mode so he doesn’t notice when he’s on his period, but he DOES start to notice that his aliens are not as efficient, and eventually he’s putting two and two together.

He waits out having to go back to his home about 7 months in. He’s in constant alien mode, switching to ones that are holding out better during pregnancy until he’s just unable to do anything about it and his aliens’ forms are suffering from it. He would’ve gotten an abortion, but two reason why he didn’t were: he KNOWS he’s supposed to have kids, he just didn’t think it’d be HIM having them, so he’s just going “I hate! This!” and also because he doesn’t trust anyone to do an abortion, and he doubts Azmuth would do that for him. So when he does go back and calls up Kai about it, she actually decides to come back and they DO make plans on how to work with this.

Low and behold, the twins are born when Ben is at the crisp age of 26, and while Ben’s kinda quiet, everyone puts it down that this is stressful ‘cause childbirth is just stressful in general, AND this has to be fucking with him and causing serious dysphoria, so most just leave him alone for the time being. Kai and him do talk about what to name the kids ‘cause they really didn’t think, and Ben just says to name them after his cousins. There’s a subconscious ‘yeah my cousins mean a lot to me’ but ALSO because he just didn’t have any ideas ‘cause he was already thinking about when he was leaving.

Kai was alright with that, though she did say she was gonna do middle names, so Kenny’s middle name is Tsela ( which means resembling a star / stars lying own ) and Gwendolyn’s middle name is Ooljee ( which means moon ). Ben thought they were fine, though in two weeks, it didn’t matter what his opinion was because the doctors came to check in on him to find his bed empty.

He was only in the hospital for so long because they noticed a lot of untreated issues with his health, and the twins’ birth was extremely premature ( his mom’s side of the family tend to have issues with their kids being born too fucking early ), and with the lack of nutrients Ben had his his body plus still super heroing for a majority of the pregnancy, the kids were also in intensive care ‘cause by all means, it’s a miracle those kids aren’t dead.

Everyone tries to get a hold of him, but as per normal, he’s not easy to get a track on. They do find news of where he is via online news outlets. Kai is rightfully pissed, but she does her damn best for the first four to five years, she’s raising them practically alone. Ben doesn’t call on their birthdays. He doesn’t even call to check up on her. For the first two years, she does find money mysteriously in her bank accounts from an “unknown” source, but she knows that’s Ben’s pretty shitty way of supporting his kids. After the third year, and not wanting him to have any say in what he gets from this, she sends a message that goes unanswered directly about wanting him to fuck off. If he’s not gonna be there, she doesn’t want to see money from him.

He does that and stops sending money. She’s still mad about that because wow, not even gonna TRY to maybe argue about it? But she raises them on her own, with her own money. They don’t live nearly as luxuriously as they should be given their father is Ben 10,000, but they get by. Gwendolyn is fine with that as she holds the most resentment about her father not being in her life, but Kenny constantly tries to get into communication with his dad. His mom finds him trying to go out on his own to find his dad because of a lead, and Ben 10,000 doesn’t make any communication until AFTER the original Ben 10,000 episode of the OS happens.

It’s a slow progress, and still takes a good three months ( he is like 31 at this point ), but he gives Kai a call. Naturally, she hangs up the second he says its him. He ends up finally just going to her home, and they have a fight. More so, Kai is rightfully telling him he has a lot of nerve coming back after leaving her to care for them by herself. She mentions the money was a bull shit way to be a father.

And he takes it at face value. He does beg her to let him TRY, but she’s not having it. Ben does bring up some lawyers, and while Kai is pissed about the entire situation, she is happy that in the end, she gets to keep custody, BUT if they kids WANT to see their father, they have every right too. Gwendolyn pretty much only calls Ben by his name, and refuses to call her dad. Definitely hurts Ben, but he gets it.

Kenny, on the other hand, is obsessed with visiting his dad, and for a while, he has a rough patch with his mom because his dad is finally back, and he doesn’t understand WHY she gets so angry he wants to get to know his dad? His dad is the hero of heroes! His dad is a good guy! He fights evil doers and stops them from causing bad things to happen in the world! If anything, SHE should stop being so mad about it. Kai genuinely gets hurt hearing this, and Gwendolyn and Kenny do have a rocky relationship because of their very different views on their father.

Eventually, for their 10th birthday, Kai allows Ben to visit for their party, and promises NOT to give him the stink eye the entire time ( just some of the time ). Ben tends to get along more with Kenny, and sort of avoids Gwendolyn because he just doesn’t know how to make it up to her.

None of his relationships with his kids really get better until his kids are nearing their 20s and they can all actually talk to each other like adults. Gwendolyn definitely calls him out on everything, and even gets pissed if in that verse he has kids with another partner and probably cries about why THEY weren’t good enough. Kenny tells his dad it’s pretty fucked up he’s idolized his dad and that his dad didn’t deserve any of his idolization.

They eventually get onto good terms, but regardless, the three of them know that Kai will be their favorite parent, and that they just don’t see him as their dad. He’s fine with that in the sense of he knows they have every right to feel like that. At the very least, they get along, and they DO eventually just all hang out. Ben and Kai sometimes talk with each other, but usually it’s been Kai telling him he should’ve gotten help. Maybe then he wouldn’t have fucked up so much as a father. He agrees, but he just tells her every time it’s too late to get mad about that again. She can stay mad. He knows his first shot at being a dad was awful, and he’s just grateful that she got used to him seeing the kids once in a while when he finally came to.

Even if he ever has kids with a partner that isn’t Kai, he’s sort of detached to his kids. Not to the degree of abandoning them, but he’s definitely the parent that the kid thinks hates them until they have their sitcom, “No I love you. I just don’t know how to be a good parent. I want to be, but I don’t know how” moment.

[maidenariana]

Post-Op with No Regrets

Post-Op with No Regrets

by Ariana Danielle Wojcik  11/15/2018

You have probably seen certain headlines or heard certain talking points being discussed over the airwaves such as these:

“Sex Reassignment Doesn’t Work!”

“De-transitioners and Transgender Regret”

“Sex Change Horror Story”

et al.

  Exactly one incredible year ago today, and three years after beginning hormone replacement therapy, I underwent gender confirmation surgery or GCS. My results and my story are the polar opposite of these frightening headlines that are part of a narrative being pushed by certain groups.

Folks, lean in close and listen.. it works!

My life is good, great, and wonderful with respect to my surgery and its results. If this surgery is in your future and you are nervous about it and have read the horror stories, know that most of us come out of it with the results we were hoping for. It is major surgery, so you have to expect a long carefully monitored recovery. For me, it was so very worth it. In addition, the common feared road blocks of transition from legal name changes, identity document updates, workplace transition, the disapproval of certain family members, dealing with the loss of loved ones, laser treatments, online attacks, disapproving stares, being purposely misgendered and dead-named, countless blood tests, injections galore, electrolysis (even in the nether regions before surgery), the nightmare of dealing with insurance companies and billing departments, were all things I had to face. I would still say despite all of that, it was all worth it!

There are many risks, just as there are with any major surgery. There are possible side effects that could cause life long issues. This is all known and will be explained to prospective surgical candidates in minute detail by any surgeon performing this operation. This surgery is never undertaken lightly and represents the end result of years of refinement and accepted medical practice.

This does not sit well with those who want to vilify not only transgender people, but their doctors, therapists, surgeons, and parents. Transgender people are under attack at every level and this includes a targeted effort on whether or not transitions should even be allowed. As an example, I suggest you search for information about the plan of attack of the anti-LGBT hate group ironically named the “Family Research Council”. The problem with all of the efforts from groups like the FRC is that their hatred and dismissal of the existence of transgender people is based on their own “beliefs” and not on reality. The medical professionals who actually study and understand this topic fully support the practices of hormone replacement therapy, and gender confirmation surgery for those that require either treatment. They do this because it is the right, and extremely successful treatment path for many transgender people. Transgender people exist and have been a part of the human condition throughout history. Attempting to erase us from history will not succeed. These groups like the FRC are wasting their time, breath, and money from donors who often do not even realize they are funding hate.

Many transgender women contact me every week asking questions about my transition and surgery, often expressing worry that surgery is a long shot to be successful. When external efforts to cast doubt and fear on transgender health practices cause confusion among those who deeply need help, it is time to speak up. I am writing all of this to try and address those concerns and to discount some of the stigma regarding this surgery and transition.

Can you find examples out there of people who regretted transitioning?

Yes, you can find a small number of cases of people who experience regret. In fact you can find those rather easily because those cases are purposely and inaccurately touted by motivated anti-LGBT groups as the “consistent and unfortunate experience” for those who have this surgery. This is not accurate. Thousands and thousands of transition related surgeries are performed every year by surgeons across the globe. There is a growing number of surgeons in the United States and the numbers of surgeries performed is only growing, not shrinking. My surgery was performed in Chicago, IL by one of the more recent additions to the experts in this field.

Do I worry that no surgery could ever make me a real (insert societal definition of a certain gender type here)?

Nope, not a concern. I underwent gender confirmation surgery because it was right for me. My doctors, (yes plural), my surgical team, my therapist and psychiatrist (a therapist and psychiatrist are both required by the WPATH standards of care) all agreed that this surgery was right for me as a medically accepted treatment for my personal health and well being. Who is anyone else to think they have a right to get in between that circle of people? My doctors, surgical team, therapist, psychiatrist, and I are the only ones that should have input into whether or not gender confirmation surgery is right for me. Every other person on the planet should rightfully decline from attempting to insert themselves into that discussion. To do so is to tamper with things they do not understand. This goes for people in government, religious institutions, water-cooler discussions at the office, people online, family members at Thanksgiving dinner, really anyone. Do not presume you know better than the true experts involved in a person’s care.  The surgeons who perform this medically necessary surgery should never have their professionalism questioned in the slightest bit.

Detractors will try to argue semantics about whether or not this surgery actually changes a person’s sex/gender often interchanging the two as if they are synonyms (they are not). By now most people have probably heard the commonly used quips, such as the often tweeted “you can’t change chromosomes” (which of course is now widely accepted to be an inadequate single determining factor of one’s gender). We could spend time refuting every “argument” but I simply see no need for me to do so. Do you know why? I AM HAPPY. Now at age 44 as a “late transitioner,” my life is just one of many that are the ultimate refute to all of those who attempt to misinform and to spread hate regarding transition and surgery.

Four years ago, I was suddenly happier than I had ever been just weeks after beginning hormone replacement therapy or HRT. Having your body and brain in sync with the correct hormones alleviates so many of the issues that transgender people face. It is something that has to be experienced to fully understand it. I was more in sync after starting HRT than I had ever been as a human being. It only got better from there as the hormone replacement therapy advanced and slowly over time did its work to reshape my body. It is funny how many of the detractors out there do not even understand what hormone replacement therapy actually entails. Our hormone levels are closely monitored by our doctors and this means that at any given time we know our levels are the same as those of any non-transgender woman. With that comes the expected changes to our bodies. Yes, we do actually grow breasts and our body shape can dramatically change only with HRT. I have had people admit to me they assumed all transgender women get breast augmentation, not knowing that we “grow our own”. It’s a second puberty after all and a “body reset”. We experience not only the obvious breast growth and softer, thicker hair, but softer skin, changes in things like our overall temperament, sense of smell, sense of touch, range of emotion (such highs and lows now!), energy levels, and most importantly, we find a sense of peace within ourselves. It’s miraculous what finally having the right hormones for our transgender bodies does for us. The happiness I experienced was so palpable that it just flowed out of me constantly. Despite the difficult circumstances brought about in social transition, the physical transition is life giving and life affirming. Gender confirmation surgery, for some like me, takes all of that happiness to another level of magnitude. No regrets.

What were my reasons for having surgery? 

Was I “so gay” that I just had to have surgery so I could have sex with men?

Nope, it’s all about just being me. “Just be you,” became my mantra. Even if I never had sex with anyone else again, surgery was still my path. In fact, sex and future sexual prospects were of very little concern to me as I sought help. The gender (binary or non!) of any current or future sexual partners of mine is my business, but the point here is that a certain type of sex act was never a driving factor in the least bit in my decision to transition or to have surgery.

Was I some loser who could not cut it “as a man.”

Nope, I already had the “American Dream.” By American societal standards, I had it all. You would have known me then as a college grad with a successful career supporting a family on one income with a lovely house, two cars, a nice yard, and a garage. The problem was, there was the painful fact that I experienced all of that while not ever being free to be me. I stopped myself from being me because of fear and denial and eventually I had to address it because my health was starting to fail as I rotted from the inside out.

Was I a “pervert” that wanted to dress in women’s clothes because it excited me sexually, so much so that I would undergo surgery for the privilege?

No. Are you serious? Not even close. The stigma and hatred towards transgender women specifically gets a lot of fuel from the lie that we are perverts or sexually driven (As a side note, it is interesting how transgender men are not targeted the same way). Far right religious groups are nothing but consistent when it comes to attacking sexually driven behavior of all kinds. Please understand that I am not judging fetish driven cross-dressers here. I am merely pointing out that there is a difference between us. Heterosexual cross-dressers are men who choose to wear women’s clothing because it excites them. They can spend time enjoying that practice, but then they happily go back to their often very manly and very “normal” life. When people open up their minds and accept that people can be born transgender, then they can also understand that what is different about us is that we are simply wearing the clothing that is appropriate for our gender. I was actually being forced to crossdress in men’s clothing most of my life because I was not being honest with myself about the fact that I was a transgender woman. Nowadays, I regularly get excited about finding a super cute dress on sale and will tweet about it and post pics on Instagram for my girlfriends to see. “Look at the bargain I found!” They get excited and I get excited. I just don’t get that excited. Am I being clear enough there? It doesn’t turn me on. Get it now? The same goes for heels and tights. Nope, no heels or tights fetish here. I like practical boots and sandals. I work in an office you all, so wearing tights is called for with certain outfits, it does not mean I am a walking, quivering, mass of constant sexual excitement because I own and wear tights. I should be so lucky if it were that easy! Do some transgender women have a particular thing for heels or tights? Sure they do, but then any given human being regardless of gender can also have a “thing” for tights or heels or other things. All people have kinks, it’s a part of life. I am so glad we do, otherwise we would be a boring species. I am merely further pointing out that the stereotype that transgender women are by default fetishists regarding clothing and sex fantasies is complete garbage. We may have other kinks just like anyone else, but don’t falsely assign to me things that just aren’t there!

Was I ever suicidal?

No, I was not healthy though. Until I made the decision to finally admit to myself and the world at large that I was transgender, my health was at a steady drastic decline. By the time I finally began to accept myself, I was overweight (over 65 lbs lost by this point), with high-cholesterol and on cholesterol medication, considered pre-diabetic, and I was experiencing heart palpitations regularly. I reduced and eliminated all of those negative health conditions by transitioning and beginning to actually care about myself and my body again.

  Eventually, staying in shape and being mindful of what I put into my body became easy once I began to accept and love myself for who I was.

  You can see much more regarding my transition on my advocacy website and specifically you may want to check out my Gender Reveal Pictorial and my Full Timeline.

Other Questions to Address

Did you worry about dying alone and unloved if you underwent surgery?

No. Despite what people like Ray Blanchard think. The often quoted transphobe once tweeted “One social problem of MTF trans can’t be solved by legislation: Finding attractive men or women who want to sleep with them”. I did not worry about dying alone and I am very happy to report that dating has been an amazing experience since I began transitioning (both pre and post op). Dating is all about conquering your own fears about the act of dating itself, whether you are a transgender person or not. Also, people who are confident and comfortable with who they are tend to have the most success when dating. Aside from dating, I have built a large group of friends since beginning transition. Being happy with myself allowed me to connect with people more easily and through a purposeful effort of making social connections by attending events and joining groups I was interested in. I now have a much larger collection of friends than I ever have had in my life.

What should you do when you see a quote from someone with a PhD who detracts from the practice of HRT and GCS?

Know that they likely have a paper trail of transphobia or are part of an organization that is backed by known LGBT hate groups. Do actual research and see what is behind their statements, and you will likely find an agenda. My agenda in writing about this is not to promote “turning people transgender” as if that was even possible. My agenda is to speak out against the lies, stigma, and misinformation that for a long time prevented me from being myself and being happy living the life I was meant to lead, which I am now privileged to be doing. I made it through. I am a success story like many others who came before me. I have zero regret and zero shame about the fact that I was born a transgender woman. I also have zero regrets regarding undergoing surgery. Rather than falling silent and again hiding, I wish to clearly tell my sisters out there that they need to know transition and even the big scary surgery that is possibly in your future was all worth it for me.

At long last, I have achieved the basic equilibrium of self that everyone else in the world who is not transgender has a much better hope of finding. Most of you reading this had the privilege of being complete after your first puberty. It took me two, followed by an amazing surgical procedure to find that equilibrium of self. Other than those differences, we are all just people. Transgender people deserve the same level of respect that you would provide any other person. You may “not understand” us, but have you actually tried to? Are you instead believing the negative things being said about us? We do not seek special rights or privileges that take away from your rights. Our fight is about our safety and our basic rights (the same rights you hold to be self-evident) being protected.

How do you remain positive despite the climate in this country and in the world at large for transgender people?

It is amazing what freeing yourself from the concern of what other people think of you can do for your well being. Most human beings have a tendency to want to conform to what those around us expect of us even if it is completely contradictory to who we are as a person. Overcoming that fear of letting people know who we really are is a key part of every human being’s growth and speaks to their level of maturity as an individual. By overcoming that fear and beginning to transition, it is easy for me to project positivity because that just flows from me now. Being right with yourself is a major key to happiness. It makes you a better person. It makes you a better partner, parent, friend, boss, employee, and a better citizen of the world.

  Do you still experience lack of acceptance from friends or family? 

Unfortunately, in certain cases, yes I do. However, that sadness will never eclipse the happiness and overwhelming level of acceptance I have received from so many others, but most importantly, from myself! By the way, one of the best days in my life mid-transition was when after giving them many months to adjust by wearing only androgynous clothing, both of my children told me, “You can come pick us up ‘as yourself’ today!” One of the first things they said upon seeing me ‘as myself’ was, “Oh it’s not really that different. You are still just you.” Yes. They nailed it. Also, I have reconnected even with many friends from my past whom I had made the mistake of pulling away from before I transitioned.

Do you think there is an age that is too young to transition?

I would not for one second attempt to insert myself into that circle I mentioned before of doctors, surgical teams, therapists, psychiatrists, and their patients, and in some cases the parents of young patients. It is for them to decide on the best care and approach and timing. As a young child, growing up in such a different time period, I was unable to express what was going on inside. The explanations were all hidden from me back then and I did not know how to vocalize any of this. I learned to fear it all at a very young age. I could never have imagined the wonderful possibilities my life would hold at that young age or even well into my thirties when I was still fighting against fear, stigma, and self hatred instead of acceptance. You have no idea the damage that causes over time and the wonderful release of it all once it is gone.

How do we get past the stereotypes that stop us all from communicating?

I was able to transition in place while still working with my long standing employer. It is a company based in Alabama and I was at first worried about the attitudes and reaction I would receive from the people in my company who live down South. I have to apologize, because this was an example of me believing in stereotypes. I was so wrong to do that. Thank you to all of my co-workers for proving I was in the wrong to worry about that. We all to some extent can let stereotypes influence us, which is why I bother to try to educate the general public about people like me. Some day, I hope you all have the privilege of knowing someone who has transitioned. Chances are that you already do and may not know it. Please consider looking past stereotypes, misconceptions, and those using hate as a weapon and become a more vocal supporter of transgender people. You might just learn you are already a friend to one of us.

Well, at least now you know one. My name is Ariana, and I am Post-op with No Regrets!

LGBT Hate Group List provided by the SPLC: https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/ideology/anti-lgbt

Post-Op with No Regrets was originally published on arianadanielle.com - Visit this page for full size images and the most recent version of this story.

[multishipperlove]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Critical Role (Web Series) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Vax'ildan & Vex'ahlia (Critical Role) Characters: Vax'ildan (Critical Role), Vex'ahlia (Critical Role) Additional Tags: Trans Male Character, Trans Vax'ildan (Critical Role), HRT, Doubt, First Day on T, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting Series: Part 7 of Trans Vax'ildan Summary:

Vax is finally able to start hormone replacement therapy. For a moment, he starts having doubts.

Written for Trans Day of Vsibility 2020

*

A heavy silence hung over the small living room the twins shared, Vax sitting on the couch and Vex leaning against the opposite wall, both staring at the blue and white bottle of testosterone gel sitting on the coffee table. It didn't look particularly intimidating, but they both knew it was the start of something... bigger.

“So,” Vex mumbled, speaking up first and actually looking at her brother. “Are you excited? I mean, you can start now, right, this is it?”

Vax just nodded at first, still not taking his eyes off the thing. “I- I guess,” he muttered back. Of course he was excited. After all it had taken months to get the letter from his therapist, find an endocrinologist, deal with his insurance, all that jazz. And he'd, metaphorically, been on the edge of his seat through all of it, so it was a bit hard to understand why it had suddenly turned to apathy. Or fear, maybe. It was hard to put it into words.

Had he looked up, he would have seen his sister's eyes turn soft before she walked over, joining him on the couch and gently bumping shoulders with him. “Look,” she started, reaching out to place her hand on his, “if you don't feel ready, you know you don't have to. Start tomorrow, or next week, or whenever you want.”

“But I don't want to wait any longer!” he groaned in answer, finally allowing himself to move again and falling back against the cushions. His hands came up to cover his eyes, trying to block out the problem and the simmering frustration that came with it. “I've been working towards this for months, why is this so hard?”

“It's a big decision, I'm pretty sure you're not the only one having second thoughts this close to the finish line,” she assured him, tugging him forward again and refusing to let him hide. “Your next therapy appointment is in three days, why don't you talk it over with him.”

Vax shook his head, not happy with that solution either. “That's exactly the point though, I already passed the finish line. I thought it was supposed to be easier from here.”

She hummed softly and then rubbed his arm, before getting up again. “You know what they say about beginnings and endings, brother, it's not that easy. I'm gonna start lunch, you want something?”

“Sure,” he muttered back, rolling his eyes at her answer. But at least it got him to stop brooding for now, as he got up to follow her and help with food prep. Maybe he would talk it over with his therapist again, even though that wasn't really the decision he'd been hoping for today. But it would most likely leave him feeling better than rushing the decision.

For now, he stowed the bottle in the little cupboard above their bathroom sink, right behind the birth control blister package that reminded him he'd forgotten it again this morning. It was a good thing he wasn't actually taking it to avoid getting pregnant.

-

The next morning, he didn't forget his pill. And, of course, that meant he was also greeted by the sight of the bottle again, still standing there, waiting for him. He'd tried to avoid thinking about it too much the other day, so it came as a bit of a surprise to him that most of the negative feelings- weren't there anymore.

The dread that had settled deep in his chest, that had made it hard to breath at times, seemed to have eased up again. Instead he thought about all the possibilities that had seemed so far out of reach once, and were now right at his finger tips. Right. Finish line.

Taking a deep breath he finally reached for the thing, and called out over his shoulder to his sister. “Vex? Vex, I'm fucking doing it!”

“Right now?” Came the confused reply, and a knock at the door a moment later. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah come in,” he mumbled, unlocking the door for her and then taking a step back so they could share the small space in front of the mirror. “Look, waiting sucks, and- it's gel anyway, right? It's not like I'll start sprouting a beard as soon as I apply it. If there are any changes I don't like, I can stop any time.”

Vex smiled at him and nodded, and he got the impression that she'd had the same thing in mind all along. Apparently just waiting for him to make that realisation himself. Smug bastard. At least it had taken him less than 24 hours.

Either way. “Okay, what do I do?” he asked, looking from Vex to the bottle in his hands and back up, suddenly nervous again. “Like, do I shower before applying this? I don't think I have enough patience left for that.”

“Is there an instruction leaflet or something?” Vex asked, and he shrugged again.

“Oh, wait, it came in a cardboard box, maybe there's something in there,” he finally remembered, and told her where to find it. Moments later she was back, instructions in hand and already going over them.

“Okay, okay... says here, you need to apply it to a clean and dry area of skin, preferably your shoulders and upper arms. How many doses are you supposed to start with?”

“Just one for now,” Vax mumbled, as he started to tug his shirt over his head. He wasn't wearing his binder yet, but, well, he wasn't very shy in front of Vex. To make sure his hair wouldn't get in the way he swiped one of the hair ties from her side of the sink, tying it all up in a lazy bun. “I showered before going to sleep, should be clean enough. So... just one pump, right?”

“If your doctor said so,” she agreed, watching as he took the bottle in his hands again and pushed down once, leaving about a gram of translucent gel in his upturned palm. She scrunched up her nose. “Smells like disinfectant.”

Vax just grinned and started to apply it, spreading it as evenly as possible over the free skin. He wasn't bothered by the smell, or by literally anything right now. He was pretty sure he hadn't felt this giddy in weeks.

“Okay, and now you wait,” Vex told him, smiling as well as she watched his obvious delight at the small action. “Three to five minutes it says, then you're allowed to put your shirt back on.”

“Oh fun, so I get to stand around shirtless, in front of the mirror, every morning now?” he scoffed, but there was no heat behind it. Even that couldn't spoil his current mood.

Vex waved him off, busy now with trying to fold the leaflet again and fitting it into the birth control package. Chances were good that they would at least find it there. “I'm sure you'll get used to it. And you don't actually have to stand in front of the mirror, you know. Anyway, how's it feel?”

“Not all that different yet,” Vax chuckled, though he couldn't help but move in a bit closer to the mirror anyway. No beard yet. “But... I don't know, it feels good. Does that make sense? I know it's going to take a few weeks before I notice anything, but it still makes a difference.”

“I think it makes perfect sense,” she assured him once more. “But you know what this calls for?”

“What?”

With a wide grin, she took her phone out of her pocket. “Victory selfie.”

“Vex. I'm literally half naked.”

“Well then don't get your manly tits in the shot, dumbass,” she replied, before tugging him closer again and at an angle where she could take a photo without exposing him too much. It easily became more than one photo, too, with both of them striking some silly poses at first, making dumb faces at the camera, pretty much whatever they could think of to ruin any good shot.

In the end she had what she wanted though. A nice picture of both of them smiling, hair still unkempt and she herself in her pyjamas, Vax' naked shoulders barely in the frame.

Still smiling she pulled him closer still, pressing a kiss to his dark hair. “Happy first day on t, brother,” she whispered, before finally letting go. There were tears in her eyes now, which she did her best to ignore, waiting for a moment where she could wipe her eyes as discreetly as possible, but Vax didn't seem to be doing any better.

Later he would add a voice recording to the selfie, and store both in a very special folder on his phone. One he was hoping to fill with many more voice recordings, and photos, and videos, to make sure he wouldn't miss a single thing about this. To make sure he would always be able to remember how the journey started, and where he'd been along the way.

But for now, he was happy to sink into his sisters arms again and cry, just a little bit. Just until he could put his shirt on again.

[thebiancarivers]

What to expect from REAL LIFE

My usual readers know that I recently started going full time. If you are new here, well you can scroll back in time and see my older posts about coming out and such.

What to expect once you consider your coming out done and decide to embrace your feminine self 100% of the time?

It’s time to face reality!

Do not expect everyone to follow the change simply because you decided it was time. Keep in mind that most people are anchored in a binary world and will address you with what is the most obvious to them: your beard shadow, your voice, your Adam’s apple... so if you don’t make your « new gender » reeeeally obvious, do not get mad at the cashier for misgendering you.  Just slapping on some lipstick and eyeliner will not cut it most of the time.

You will get misgendered, you will get weird looks, you will fell the embarrassment sometimes... but you will also get genuine smiles, compliments and appreciation as well.  Just be grateful when you get positive and appropriate reactions and ignore the rest: no need to torture yourself because some stranger looked at you weird on the bus.

Self-confidence is the key

Learn to trust yourself.  Learn to love who you are and what you are.  Passing is a nice goal and when it happens, be happy about it.  When you get recognized for being trans, do not worry about it!  You are who you are.  Be proud of it!  It will be a lot easier for people to accept you if you look like you fully assume who you are.

Yes we want to be seen as women (or men).

Yes we put a lot of effort to look the ways we want to be seen.

Nonetheless, our image is not what defines who we are.  Just accept who you are.  When you will be comfortable with yourself, people will be too.

Blowing a fuse won’t do any good

I see a lot of younger folks being super reactive...  Stop that!!  It’s not helping anyone and nobody listens to people that are kicking and screaming . You will look and be treated like a child throwing a tantrum.  I see people getting mad for being misgendered, but they dont present themselves as the gender they want to be.

If you are a teenager and your parents do not get on board with your situation, it can be frustrating.  I get that...  You have to assume the fact that younger people have usually less credibility.  Then, try to put yourself in their shoes for a minute:

What is their cultural background?  Super religious and conservative?  Open-minded and liberal?

Are you close to them?  Do you usually tell them about your problems or you are the kind of teen who tells them they cannot understand what you are going through before hiding in their room?

Did you diagnose your gender dysphoria yourself or did you already go to see a specialist?

Are you the kind of kid who changes hobby every week, while managing to convince their parents to spend the required amount of money on it?

How did you introduce the situation?  Did you build the story gradually or you have simply thrown it out there as a big surprise?

And as I often say: the mental work you have accomplished to get to the point of coming out has to be done by everyone you tell as well.  Nobody will do it at the same speed and not everyone is ready to do it right away.

It’s not because people are mean.  It’s simply because society is still very binary and attached to the typical gender stereotypes.  You can’t expect everyone to be aware all of a sudden just because you are.  Especially if you are non-binary...  most languages are gendered.  Most languages do not have a gender-neutral pronoun.  And let’s be honest: some people have a very confusing gender expression.

Gender expression vs Gender perception

I have recently seen an interview with a queer poet that was very interesting.  But as interesting as she was, she was definitely confusing, even to me.  I understand that she identifies as a girl, I understand that she likes wearing dresses and high heels...  But she is not on HRT and she is also sporting a full beard.  I have nothing against that, don’t get me wrong, but for most people, she is simply a dude (probably gay, because... which straight guy would do something like that, right?) in a dress,

You can live your gender expression the way you see fit, the way that makes you feel good about yourself.  At the end of the day, we do that to be happy with ourselves, not to make other people happy.  But don’t forget that the way you express yourself (and it applies to EVERY form of communication as well) will always be interpreted by the people around you.  If you are not clear enough, expect people to misinterpret your message: they are seeing it through a binary education, a binary language and a bunch of gender-based prejudice.  If your message is “I AM A GIRL” and getting misgendered is really painful for you...  make sure you make a statement that is crystal clear.

I really hope this post can help you being more comfortable with yourself and society in general.  Feel free to tell me what you think about the matter in the comments, I would really enjoy having a discussion about it and see different points of view.

[derangedroyalfae]

Jan 15, 2019 1:00PM

So, I already know that I love my English class and teacher. So yeah, any contemplation to drop the class has completely dropped themself. She’s incredibly nice and passionate about her job and very forward thinking. We’ll have a section just on sex and gender, so I’m excited for that. I got into a long conversation with her about that stuff and my own personal experience and goals since she’s highly curious. I ended up even showing her photos of what HRT/testosterone can do to a clitorous. You don’t usually show people you just met, especially teachers, pics of genitals, but it was academic/scientific curiosity reasons, nothing perverse. Plus they weren’t of me and we’re both over 18, so less awkward.

I had a shitty but fun idea to make a trans parody of cover for Medicate With Tea but being Medicate with T. Problem is that I’ll have to get the lyrics done today or wait for next week to post it since it’s Teatime Tuesday. I should start spelling them T(eatime) Tuesday...thatsbadishouldnt...

*sigh* I SO missed the Pride Center. Cool and chill peeps. That’s when I got the idea for the cover. I was talking about my gender reveal photo ideas I had (if babies can have gender reveals, then why can’t trans individual?) where I am pouring myself a “cup of T,” probably holding a teacup with my bottle of testosterone having a teapot handle. I’m still thinking of maybe doing that for real. Doing a gender reveal card for my family. I thought of something that could be put in a card for my ma like that. “Though all four of your children came out with the same parts, you gave birth to three daughters and another child.” I need to work on it, of course, but it’s supposed to be saying that I’m still me and the parts I have/had don’t define me.

I’m still not sure when I’m going to tell them, how I’ll do it, or what their reactions will even be. “It came out of nowhere!” “This is because of *insert trans best friend and special others* isn’t it?” “You’re going to regret doing this to your body” “you don’t know what you’re doing” “you’re too young to make that call” “you’re trying to be trendy/like every other millennial”

Or maybe...just maybe, they’ll look at me like Cat and say “congratulations.”

I think I’ll write them a letter, the main content and story being the same, but having unique things for who is receiving it (like the above quote for my ma/parents). The letter would mainly contain my story/journey of getting on T. But it would also say just how much it means to me, that it was important enough that I went on the trek that I did. It’s not some phase and it’s not a trend. I honestly am feeling out of sorts with how I physically was. As someone who hates her nose and wants plastic surgery, Bunny should understand. My ma has even noted my presentation and asked me how I identify. So maybe, it won’t be bad. My main problem is that I live with them and will have to see them everyday, dreading they’ll say something or antagonize my decision until I finally get my own place. It’s different if we weren’t under the same roof. Had I been on my own, I probably would have told them already. But I don’t want to handle the pressure of their inescapable judgement and feelings and disagreement.

Maybe I’ll wait for a special event, maybe my birthday (if my changes aren’t too obvious by then, I honestly have no idea). My process is feeling so slow right now. I know it’s only the first month, but I hardly notice anything. MAYBE my clit has grown, but I’m not sure and it’s not too obviously unless doing a side-by-side comparison with photos. I know there’s the acne and breaking out, signifying that I will be changing soon, but I haven’t noticed any obvious changes myself, such as facial structure, muscle redistribution, etc. I know I’m being impatient, but I’ve already waited as long as I had to get on HRT, and as long as I did to realize I for sure wanted it, and then the wait for realizing what my problem was. I knew I wasn’t just gonna slap testosterone on and *POOF* I’m happy and me! I know that’s not the case. But I am happy to have it now, even if the changes are slow.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Is it okay if you change your mind about wanting/needing top surgery and HRT ? Like I personally still want to get a binder and see how that plays out to determine to myself if top surgery is right for me because that's one of my bigger spots that gives me dysphoria.Would it invalidate me ask a trans non binary individual if I didn't get top surgery,go on HRT,and am still very closeted ?

Lee says:

Not all trans people want to medically transition or transition in the “typical”  ways and that’s totally valid! It’s also okay to change your mind about what you want to do in your transition as you learn more about yourself. 

Binary trans people (trans men and women) may choose not to medically transition too- opting out of a medical transition isn’t only limited to nb people.

Transgender people who haven’t medically transitioned aren’t “less trans” than trans people who are on hormones and have had surgery, and everyone has different transition goals- and that’s okay. Some people say they’re pre-t or post-op, and similarly it’s okay to be no-op.

Some reasons a trans person may choose to not medically transition:

Medical transitioning can be expensive and time-consuming

They may have health issues or disabilities that make it physically unsafe to medically transition with hormones or surgery

They may feel comfortable with how their bodies are currently and just don’t feel the need to change it

They may not want all the changes that come with starting hormones, or the scarring or potential sensation loss or complications that come with surgery

Some trans people don’t have dysphoria so they don’t feel the need to medically transition

Non-dysphoric trans people are still trans

More about non-dysphoric trans people

Non-dysphoric trans people

Gender euphoria

Other trans people do have dysphoria, but try to manage it in other ways than pursuing medical transition wearing masculine/feminine clothing, binding/wearing breast forms, packing/tucking, etc.

They may be genderfluid or have a changing gender expression/presentation and not want to change their bodies in a permanent way

Some non-binary people may feel dysphoric no matter what genitals or hormones they have, so they figure it’s not worth it because none of the options are what they want

Some people may not be able to access medical transitioning due to medical gatekeeping

They may be mentally ill and can’t get a letter in support of them and their mental health (hello ableism) and their local medical teams may not do informed consent

They could be larger and a surgeon refuses to operate on them because they aren’t skinny enough (hello fatphobia)

Some people may not be satisfied with the current surgical options available and feel that they aren’t a good choice for them

Younger trans people may not be able to transition medically without their guardian’s permission and many parents/guardians say no

If someone is financially reliant on a transphobic or abusive relative they may not be able to safely medically transition

They may be able to pass without a medical transition so don’t feel the need to bother with it or they may not care about passing or not want to pass

They may be waiting to medically transition until they’re ready emotionally and when they’re in a stable situation

Some people would rather not go through the whole process of getting surgery and going through the recovery

It can be hard to afford to take time off from work to get surgery or keep up with school while recovering from surgery

Trans people who are comfortable with their bodies because their bodies are their bodies even if most people of their gender have a different body are valid

It’s okay to just not want to transition no matter what your reasons are

Relevant links:

Here’s What Trans People Who Aren’t Medically Transitioning Want You To Know- Buzzfeed

Transgender people: 10 common myths

On Choosing Not to Medically Transition: what transition has and has not meant for me

How I’m Transitioning Without Transitioning

Are you still transgender if you don’t want, or are scared, to have surgery or hormone therapy?

Debunking the ‘Surgery Is a Top Priority For Trans People’ Myth

People can choose to medically transition because they would be happier with other features, it isn’t only limited to people with severe body dysphoria. If someone is fine with their body currently but would rather look a different way and that would make their life better, then that’s a valid reason to medically transition.

If you don’t want to medically transition because you feel it wouldn’t make you happier, that’s 100% vaid and totally a fine and dandy choice to make. But if you feel that you don’t “deserve” to transition because you don’t have enough dysphoria as compared to other people, or that spending time/money on transitioning would be a waste because you don’t feel “bad enough” that you need it, you might want to reconsider how you’re thinking about it. If a medical transition would make you happier and more comfortable in your body on the overall then you shouldn’t stop yourself from pursuing it. This post says something similar in different words if you need that rephrased.

But of course it is a big decision and it has costs- literally. It’s okay to decide that your dysphoria isn’t worth the medical transition, but it’s also okay to transition even if you feel they have some but little dysphoria because there isn’t a certain threshold of distress required to justify transitioning, transitioning is solely justified by the desire to do so.

I’m not adding this bit to pressure anyone into medically transitioning- I’m just reaffirming that your transition is up to you, and you are able to choose whatever makes you happy no matter what. You could be a binary trans woman and not want to medically transition, and you could be a non-binary transmasculine person and want top surgery and lower surgery and hormones. It’s all up to the individual, and no choice is a wrong or bad choice.

TL;DR: If you don’t want to medically transition for any reason, that’s okay and you’re still trans! You aren’t required to pursue any medical transition of any sort to count as a trans person. And not all trans people choose to, so you’re in good company if you decide to be no-op & no-ho.

Ren says:

Hi, yeah, I’m trans and not medically transitioning! (My wife, who is some kind of nonbinary girl, is also not medically transitioning.) Lee did an amazing job of covering a lot of bases, so I don’t have too much to add, but I can definitely let you know that you’re not alone, and give you a better picture of a Real Non-Transitioning Trans Person.

Personally, I’m mostly content with my body and my gender presentation. I can’t bind for medical reasons, and honestly don’t care to; it’s not a big deal to me. I have a fairly low voice naturally, and other than that, there’s nothing T could offer me that I would want (or even be comfortable with).

I do experience some dysphoria, but there are no medical procedures that would lessen the particular kind of dysphoria I have practically and safely. Instead, I rely on cognitive strategies to ease my distress and get through difficult dysphoric episodes.

I did go through a period of time where I thought the only way to be a “real” trans person was to seek physical transition. For a while, I tried to bind, even though I didn’t want to and it physically hurt me. It took me a long time of untangling my gender thoughts, as well as my thoughts and feelings about my body, to figure out what I really wanted.

Although all trans people should go through a process of thinking carefully and critically about what they want out of transition, it’s especially critical for nonbinary trans people, because many of us don’t have anything obvious to move “towards.” Take the time to think about your gender, your body, and the way people see those things. Setting aside what you might be “expected” to do, and even what we know to be medically possible…what would feel most right to you? What kind of body do you want? Who do you want people to see when they look at you?

Once you have your answers to those questions - no matter how strange they might seem, or how fantastical - then take a look at your options, and decide what kind of transition is right for you… if any at all. If nothing seems right to you, you have absolutely no obligation or responsibility to pursue it, and you can change your mind whenever you want. (Keeping in mind, of course, that some medical procedures can’t be reversed!) 

This is your gender, your body, your journey. Whatever choices you make or don’t make or change your mind about, you’re doing all of those things the right way. Nobody has the right to say otherwise.

Devon says:

Like Ren, I am a real live trans person who does not plan on medically transitioning!

I am genderfluid, and I am often okay with my body. I hate how people perceive my chest, high voice, wider hips, etc. but I don’t usually mind those features without taking people’s judgement into account.

I have pretty bad social anxiety so I constantly think about how people perceive me and my body, but I have decided that I don’t feel enough distress about the way that my body is perceived to justify medically transitioning. (That is not to say that people with similar dysphoria experiences can’t or shouldn’t medically transition!)

However, I am open to the possibility of changing my mind in the future. It may be that I decide to get surgery or start HRT years from now. Just that right now I don’t want those things strongly, and I don’t think I will for a while or likely ever.

Followers, feel free to add on with your personal experiences!

[amethystblack]

I've got a question, I messaged you quite awhile ago telling you that you were an inspiration to me as a closeted trans girl. I was curious as to how you started on your journey for all of it, it seems quite overwhelming at first. You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to ^.^

well, I don't mind... of course there's always that veil of anxiety in talking about this kind of thing, but i don't really believe in keeping quiet about that kind of thing, especially if it could help someone else.

so... how i started on a journey. well, i wonder...

to tell the truth, i wasn't really responsible about it at first. i was already in university by the time i realized this was something i needed to do. i'd done enough research to understand that it's hard to reverse many effects of T-- so i felt like the younger i started the better. i was always getting older, and therefore i felt like, i was always getting worse (as in, more masculine). the pressure was on. i had been very lucky to be able to pass, in terms of both appearance and voice, even before treatment, but i was worried the longer i waited the more of that i would lose (and i think i wasn't wrong. the last year before i started felt... especially harsh).

of course to start hrt you gotta get approved by a therapist, and gosh, that can take forever, you know? if it happened at all. the process was certainly daunting, and i'm historically not the best at talking about myself anyway. plus money... i really wasn't keen on the matter. i didn't think i had that kind of time. so, i was referred to a certain website of questionable legality where i could order hormones for myself. rather impulsively, i went for it.

i didn't want to tell my parents. i didn't want to tell my family. i didnt think they'd understand. if it meant being happier with myself, i'd resolved to just cut them off entirely anyway. i'd find a place to move out to, i thought, by the time that effects started showing. i'd make it work. this was naive.

and in the first place, it never had a chance because my mom actually intercepted the package i ordered when it arrived-- apparently a box from new zealand is out the ordinary??? nonsense. anyway i was super evasive about it and made up some lie to cover it and she made me send it back and i was a Sad. in retrospect, this was probably a good thing. the friend who had referred me to that site got in some trouble for it later on and wasn't able to transition fully... i sincerely think that that is a major component of why she chose to take her own life.

my girlfriend at the time was pretty critical in the matter. i had actually told her some time in the past-- which lead to her breaking up with me. eventually we got back together and she was an irreplacable support for me. especially as i was first transitioning, she lent me a lot of clothes and helped me shop for other ones, which was huge for the sake of getting me started.

eventually i had to accept the fact that i'd have to at least tell my mom if i wanted things to work out. she had always told me she'd support me if i was gay-- but this was a bit different. i didnt think she'd be ready for it. i wasn't wrong. when i finally came out to her i was able to in no small part because my girlfriend was there with me. my mother didn't really take it well at first. she started crying-- and saying some less than helpful things. but it became clear that she was mostly concerned for my safety above all else... in the weeks following she did some reading on the matter and came around to it fairly well. i was surprised.

my girlfriend and i eventually broke up. the bottom line was i was way too uncomfortable with myself to continue being intimate, and that didn't work for her. it was a nasty break, but the harsh end encouraged me to just go full time. i'd seen that i wasn't going to be happy with myself otherwise. but i had a year and so of classes in uni left, and i was -all- kinds of nervous about it. the advantage that i had was that for the past 2-3 years, i had talked to barely anyone on campus at all. i had been really uncomfortable with myself, so i just avoided everyone... meaning nobody knew me. i wouldn't have to worry about being recognized at all.

... except for by those from my on-campus job. although i knew my employers were the type who would have supported me, our clients were the type who absolutely would not have-- so i made the choice to withdraw. i found a job at a tea shoppe in my neighborhood instead. it was family owned and i made sure the owner supported me beforehand. i often felt out of place there-- but it may have just been the dysphoria (and my boss, despite being supportive, was a very Intense person which totally didnt help at all)... nevertheless, it got me through.

thanks to that, i was able to afford therapy. i found therapists known specifically for gender therapy just so i could get the letter to a physician to approve HRT. i picked the closest one and started meeting with her ASAP. i was really more interested in the letter than actual treatment there, but even so for the most part, i found that i just needed to answer honestly and it worked out fine. the therapist had some key points to ensure before approving me-- first, that i had experience living full time. check. second, that i could come out to my family-- not so check.

she and my mom eventually convinced me to come out to my grandmother, and my father. i felt the rest of the family would be fairly "sure, whatever" about it, but those were the two i was most worried about. i came out to them both by email. my grandmother is a classic right wing christian-born trump-supporting ol' gal, and she is also very particular about how she prefers people and matters of the family to be. ...but defying all expectation, she accepted it without any hesitation, and expressed some amount of disappointment that I didn't feel like I could trust or rely on her for that kind of thing in the first place. So okay, point taken. To this day she still struggles with remembering to use the correct pronouns, but we have kind of a running joke with it... at one point she messed up and she was just like "oh! shucks, just call me Harold." misgender for misgender i guess. still awkward when it's in public-- but kind of funny, and i know she means well.

then there was my father. his initial response to my email was basically a brief paragraph refuting the reasons i'd justified being trans with, and telling me why, in psychological terms, they probably were not actually the case. but frankly that was about what i expected. he and i have been rather distant, and he was not the most accepting or open kind of person in the first place. later that summer we met for the usually one time per year we typically get to see each other. he asked me what i wanted for my birthday. i told him that the only thing i wanted was for him accept me for who i was. he got me a 3DS instead.

but he eventually quietly came around though, i think. to tell the truth intimate discussions are not something we really have so it's hard for me to know his true feelings-- but at the least he goes along with it.

then there were just classes. i hadn't changed my legal name yet so i was still on the roster with some wrong information. so on the first day of class, i pulled each teacher aside and explained my situation to them. the campus policies were in my favor, so they had to oblige when i asked them to refer to me appropriately. fortunately they all seemed very understanding about the matter. i'm lucky to live in a city like this after all. i was able to reach out to other students a little more that year. at the least, i had a few people i could have considered friends, even if i never saw them out of class. but avoidant habits are hard to break. in the end, i graduated without making any lasting connections from university. i would chose not to walk at my graduation ceremony, for the obvious reason.

at some point during that school year my therapist finally approved me to transition. god bless. after reviweing the options i decided to get my hormones from planned parenthood. did you know planned parenthood offers transitioning hormones??? i sure didn't. anyway pls no defunderino thx.

and then i found something out-- i was under the impression that, of course, i wouldn't be able to have biological kids after surgery, but i had not known that HRT would rule that out as well. i wasn't really sure if i wanted to-- and even now i'm ambivalent. but i figured i should leave the door open for it. so despite being approved, i paused everything and took some time and a lot of money dear god what, to store cells for the future in case i ever do decide i want kids. that ended up taking frankly way too long. when it was over with i jumped back on that HRTrain ASAP.

the process of changing names was... tedious, and drawn out, but ultimately unremarkable. there were various forms to fill out and turn in and state regulations, fees, gotta visit this office except jk that's the wrong one try this one except jk that's the wrong one too try this one except jk does this office even actually exist???? and eventually i had to stand in front of a judge and hope he approved it. he took one look at the forms and approved it without even announcing the reason (as i saw him do for other people there) so that was really considerate of him. i was ready with like a full essay in defense, but in the end it was totally okay.

as for the HRT... i mentioned before i felt like i was always getting worse, you know, right? of course due to the nature of hormones, after i started taking them it would be a couple weeks before they kicked in... but it was an immediate improvement for me. from the first night, it completely turned around. everything was getting worse-- no. from then on, it was always going to get better.

oh... and there was one more place i forgot i had to come out to... reborn. people online always "mistook" me for a girl anyway, and that was always a huge compliment to me. so i think a lot of people weren't really surprised. the most awkward thing was actually... my in-game character. the game was already four episodes in or so and i had just used my generic custom trainer sprite from the site generator before for the intro... haha, it's a little silly, but for a long time i had just been editing it a little bit by bit to make it more feminine. it was a little too long before i actually completely replaced it.

...anyway, that was the start of things. beyond long-winded, but hopefully some of it can help somehow. honestly before and after transitioning is really like night and day, so hang in there. i promise it'll be worth it, and you'll surprise yourself in ways you'd never expect.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

Catholic Health Initiatives Becomes Transgender Friendly (My MtF~HRT Journey)

So, back in 2009, when I first joined CHI-St. Anthony Hospital, we had no policy to treat the transgender and as I observed, much of the staff were quite opposed to the whole idea of transgenderism and would treat those who were changing quite wrongly. As I was undergoing my own transition, I too was terrified of the consequences of coming out...as I knew 30% of these people, and they knew me as David and not Mira...but as I’ve learned, the times have certainly changed!

I made my final medical record transition with CHI in April of 2019, ready to accept the consequences as I have come to the moment where I honestly don’t care what people think. As long as they give me the respect as a fellow human being required, I was content. It was hard to come out and say that I identify as female when in my mind, I know I look exactly like a male! It is so obvious as you look through the pictures! My German heritage has made my change very difficult!

When I told the CNA I was transgender, she was shockingly okay with it, even spoke so kindly to me as he whole demeanor seemed to change with the knowledge I identified as a woman. It was a blessing as they altered my records from male -to- female and left it as that. When it was time to go into surgery, not much was asked of my transgender nature, and they did their best to use the proper terms.

However, the true shock came a day later when I ended up back at the hospital as my lungs decided to collapse from the stress. When I was admitted to the ER, their focus was on my health and then when I could talk in complete sentences, then asked if I identified as male or female and with my mom and dad there beside me, I said “Female”. Later on, my mom said that she felt bad for me as with my changing body, I have not figured out what I should be concerned about as I was asked to disrobe and I have only once does this in front of my dad during a massage session.

I was terrified as I have developed quite some and they were withdrawn for comment as the nurse placed the sticky tabs all around my breasts. I was very observant and wondering why they were so aliment about this? Why was having my correct gender needed?

They asked if I had a preferred name and I replied “Mira.”

I laid down in the hospital bed as I struggled to breathe, wondering if I will have problems with this new revelation...but found everyone ‘biting their tongues’, some pleased and some not expressing their viewpoint.

When four hours went by, I was hospitalized into the hospital and mom and dad went home as they need their own sleep as they worked in just a few hours and I was left battling my CF and pondering why people seem to support me being female. This wasn’t the St. Anthony’s I worked at!

When I arrived to the room, the ER RN was giving orders and kept saying ‘Her’ and I wondered who he was talking about as I’ve never experienced this. When it was about me, I was surprised, but happy. Inside my room, they addressed my board:

And seeing ‘Mira’ there was amazing! For once in my life 95% of the time I was only called Mira and I felt so open and laughing and free. The name David had so much command, appointment and expectations that boggled me down, that I could not laugh, smile...show emotions as David was taught not to. And I am naturally intuitive and empathetic (reason why I excelled in medicine and teaching; as compared to science). However, the nurse accepting me sees me and says “Hi Robert!” and I wondered who this was. She also use to call me Robert all the time too, instead of David and I laughed as my name didn’t bother me.

I smiled and shook my head, “Not exactly it...” as I pointed to the board.

She glances at the board and she is confused. “Myra? Is it Myra?”

“Mira, without the ‘Y’.” I explained with a smile. I am thinking to myself ‘Oh, this is going to be fun!’ She looks back shocked.

“Really!” She rushes over and stops herself “Can I hug you?” as I nodded. As David, I would have said no, and never had anyone do this. She embraces me, “Oh, I am so happy!”

I was baffled, ‘Was this who hospital filled with LGBT friendly people?’ it seemed like a crazy dream! When Max, my respiratory therapist comes in he says to me, “Hey David!”

“Hi Max!”

He pauses as he looks at the board and sees Mira and double checks his paperwork and is also knocked over as he covers his mouth as if he said something sinful. “Mira? Oh! I am so sorry!”

“It is okay, I am not like the traditional LGBT person!” Which was true...oddly, I probably make up a whole new category! A person who desires to be called female, but fine with male (Genderfluid), not not offended as I don’t really think there is a superior gender as we all start off with X- chromosomes and gain a active or dormant Y- chromosome to determine our sex, but logically, we all are non-gender. If I am called David, I respond, if it is Robert, still respond, Mira...will respond. Names don’t command who I am, they are an identifier.

Ah, welcome to my mind!

Max quickly apologized and explained, “Oh, it is hospital policy now. Implemented last month...all CHI employees must call the LGBTQ by their desired genders and named...failure to do so results in a write-up.

“Really!” I said, shocked and surprised. I never condone to ever pushing someone to accept me as female or Mira...it is their rights to hold on to their cis-ideology. Even I hold on to a fraction as I am uncomfortable around Gays and Lesbians as their nature violates the sexual reproductive law of humans. But then, there are 5 billion of us on this planet...don’t thing a billion transgender people will deficit the population!

Max nods as I find he is a strong advocate for transgender individuals. “I suspected you might have been transgender...it is so cool...is everyone treating you alright?”

“Surprising, Yes!”

“Well, if anyone says your name or calls you a male, you have the right to report them! And do it! It is a new policy, but you would be a good advocate!”

I smile, “Thanks!”

For over the past week, while living in the hospital...I have tasted what my life will be like as transgender, female and Mira...and it feel right. I am beyond bliss, open and very social...which is weird for a self-proclaimed introvert!

So far, this makes the following hospitals in Washington transgender friendly:

University of Washington Medical Center: 2013

Virginia Mason: 2014

Catholic Health Initiatives: 2019

And the transgender unfriendly ones:

Harrison Medical Center

MultiCare

[secretgamergirl]

A Random Roundup of Surprisingly Positive Trans Portrayals

Over the last half a year or so, I’ve run across a number of bits of media I’ve come across which blindsided me with trans characters that rang pretty true. Every time, I was tempted to sit down and write a proper review, but other things were going on, so I’m just going to sit down and bite the bullet with a collection of relatively quick takes.

So let’s start off with Swiss Army Man. It’s an indie film, but it caught on a bit with wider audiences thanks to, well, the titular character being the magical farting corpse of Daniel Radcliffe. Odds are you’ve at least heard of it, but at least no one I’ve talked to about it had any idea there was anything trans-related in there, so you might be thinking I’m reading into it. Quite the opposite. The main character is, with absolutely no ambiguity about it, a closeted trans woman, and the entire plot of the movie is directly about her coming to terms with that, learning to accept herself, and stop worrying about everyone judging her so she can transition already (which she’s heavily implied to do just after the credits roll. A lot of this is subtext, but plenty of it is just plain text. I mean, halfway through the movie she starts dressing as a particular woman she sees as a rolemodel and getting lost in very girly fantasies, and these are specifically presented as her only really happy memories in a later life-flashing-before-her-eyes sort of scene. I’d really recommend watching the whole thing yourself, since hey, it’s a funny uplifting heartfelt movie (if requiring a trigger warning on suicidal imagery) but here’s someone else’s spoiler filled, inconsistently gendering explanation of a good chunk of the trans imagery.

Somehow though, all this gets lost on a huge chunk of the audience. Including most professional reviewers, even ones for LGBTQIA-focused media outlets. I read one shortly after watching it which stubbornly insisted it was trying to convey that the main character was a gay man through a bizarre metaphor that didn’t work. I’m tempted to call that one willful ignorance, but it IS to be fair one of those movies that plays around with an unreliable narrator and an odd mix of grounded reality, obvious fantasy, and supernatural elements that are hard to fit in either of those boxes. As someone who takes in a lot of that sort of thing, my personal takeaway is that while the main character is just imagining the corpse talking as an imaginary friend to cope with her suicidal loneliness, it does seem to be, within the observable reality of the movie, a legitimately magical corpse full of hyper-compressed Gyo gas. And a metaphor about shame. The main character being trans though is completely unambiguous and clear through every possible prism.

I do find it interesting though that on the commentary track, the pair of writer-directors responsible for it fail to directly refer to the main character’s womanhood, mostly just talking about her loneliness, and how relatable it is. So, blatant as the nature of the movie is, this may be a case of closeted trans women creating a story about a closeted trans woman without even realizing it.

Next we have a Korean film I stumbled across on Netflix with the unfortunate title of Man on High Heels, which I have to assume is trying to riff on Man on Fire or something similar. It’s about a tough martial arts action figure sort of cop who ignores procedure and beats confessions out of crime lords, who’s even more respected in the underworld for being such a stone cold badass than by the police force who has a pretty easy job accordingly. Who is, again, a closeted trans woman. This one I went into expecting to cringe a bit at a weird exploitation action comedy, but it plays the premise completely straight. When the movie starts, she’s been walking that knife edge for a while of starting HRT, buying a new wardrobe, and practicing with makeup, while still very much in the closet, and the main thrust of the drama is her trying to scrape up enough cash for The Surgery while trying to preserve her tough macho action legacy, and generally fumbling, with fellow cops thinking she has a drug problem and mobster fans thinking she’s gone crooked. Lot of emotional gut-punches too with flashbacks, falling out, and not exactly a happy ending. It doesn’t have the same inner monologue as Swiss Army Man, but it still feels fairly authentic in terms of the emotional turmoil she’s going through. And of course it gets some basic facts about medical transition wrong. Still, not what I expected.

Turning to TV, somehow I ended up marathoning through the entirety of Sons of Anarchy on a whim. Now, I cannot actually recommend that anyone ever watch Sons of Anarchy. Frankly it’s a poorly written show which spends more time than not completely rudderless, constantly forces people to act completely out of character to spur on new plot arcs, and stumbles hard every time it tries to say anything about women, race, politics, or morality.

Some time in the 5th season, a random filler episode has the core cast hiring a trans prostitute to stage explicit photos with someone they’ve knocked out in order to blackmail him, resulting in a very forced exploitative scene. It certainly doesn’t help that the trans woman in question is named Venus, and played by Walter Goggins (not that I approve of cis men playing any of the characters I’m listing here, but Goggins is the most overtly masculine actor in the mix, and playing the only character on this list who is out as trans and well past first transitioning). That episode left a particularly bad taste in my mouth, and I’m curious if there was some backlash to it at the time, because in the next season, Venus returns, as a minor recurring character who gets fleshed out and made significantly more sympathetic. She gets a tragic and cliched backstory full of sexual abuse of course, but she’s at least in the running for the single most morally centered character in the series, gets a lot of sympathetic dialog, and sticking up for her in various ways becomes a way to signify someone is, for the time being at least, on the path of righteousness.

What really amazes me though is the last season. The entire final season of Sons of Anarchy is frankly a train wreck. Season 6 ends with the incredibly pointless and poorly motivated murders of its most sympathetic major characters (including the main audience surrogate) to stir up conflict, and as a result season 7 is just a ridiculous exercise in body stacking. Almost every character ends up either dead or at a complete loss of what to do with themselves, and there are really only two characters who can be said to really get a happy ending. Tig, one of the more consistent characters, who can largely be described as the Designated Weirdo in the core cast, ends up spending the last season dating Venus, and their last scene implies that him falling in love with her breaks him of his weird self-destructive performative freakiness, and they get to live happily ever after. Everything else about the final season, and really the show at large, I rolled my eyes at, but hey, pleasant surprise there!

Meanwhile, turning to Japanese children’s television from a few years back, there’s Kamen Rider W. Like every Kamen Rider series, it’s a self-contained superhero show with lots of quirkiness and rubber-suit action sequences. The main gimmick the W alludes to is that the hero of this particular show is really two people. When it’s time to throw on the suit and jump into action, one of the two protagonists passes out, the other getting a split consciousness (and then of course late in the series when they get their ultimate powerup, they full on merge into a single body instead). One of these characters is Shotaro, a dorky wannabe hard boiled detective. The other is something of a mysterious MacGuffin character named Phillip, who has quite a lot going on, but most significantly for this article’s purposes, this is Phillip:

Broadcasting standards in Japan are a bit further behind the times than they are in America, so you can’t ever full on come out and state that a character is gay or trans. The best you can manage is to just barely provide plausible deniability while implying the ever loving hell out of it. And so we have Phillip, who is about as blatantly not-a-man as you can really get away with, visually. Whether the idea is to subtley portray a trans woman, or to portray the only non-binary human character I can recall ever seeing in anything is a tough call, but the hair clips and some variation on this non-quite-a-dress are present on Phillip in every single episode other than the one where a contrived sting has Phillip throwing on a dress and a wig to really pull of a Lovely Magician’s Assistant look... and trying to find a screenshot of that by searching for “Kamen Rider Phillip Dress” just gave me a variation on the standard Phillip Outfit on a female manikin at a cosplay shop.

Anyway, Phillip is great. Aside from being Very Clearly Trans, Phillip Very Clearly Has Autism (sensitively and realistically portrayed), but neither of these is ever commented on by anyone in the show. Instead, everyone is constantly talking about how Phillip is so unambiguously the more powerful, intelligent, and competent of the two, and constantly suggesting Shotaro is dead weight. It’s fantastic. Oh and the two are also as unambiguously in a romantic relationship with each other as broadcasting standards will allow. There is blatant queer-baiting between male leads in every Kamen Rider show, but I mean, they have a love theme, their ultimate weapon/armor is rainbow themed, and the lyrics to the show’s opening are all about the ultimate union of body and soul between two partners.

Incidentally, Kamen Rider Wizard from 2 years later does make a more overt effort of trans representation with a minor character, but fairs far worse with it, and the following year’s Kamen Rider Gaim has... this character, but I’m trying to focus on surprisingly good representation, and neither of them exactly qualify.

Finally, the tragically obscure 7th Dragon III Code VFD for the 3DS, along with making literally the entire cast of NPCs and PCs explicitly bisexual features as a prominent NPC a game designer/time machine designer who shortly before the game begins switched over to being called Julietta and dressing like this:

I haven’t found the time to finish it, but misgendering localization aside, yeah this is totally in keeping with my general composite image of my fellow trans game devs, and she’s great so far.