#so I have to pace myself or else
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realised I hadn't posted the first (semi) finished clanrat of the absolute mountain of them I need to slowly work through because I am a very good girlfriend and painting my partners skaven for them because while we're both disabled, painting is like 70% of the hobby for me vs a means to an end playing for them.
Which I totally get, however dear god why do we both have to have fallen for horde armies?? So many clanrats... so many deathrattle.....
Anyway, little rat boy who will be joined by many, many more in plenty of variations of greens and coppers/brass bc well, they're skaven, I don't see them having a uniform colourscheme beyond a family of colour (also bc skryre best clan yes-yes)
#cowgirl paints minis#will probably take a sanity break and do a chunk of my stormcast as a pallet cleanser between batches of 5 maybe#bc dear god 40 clanrats isnt even that many for a 2k point list#thank god they already have 20 done#but I still haven't actually finished my base 20 deathrattle either so the pile of shame is *huge* rn#especially bc I am a disabled bitch who cannot paint for too long a stretch without my body hating me and hurting for days#so I have to pace myself or else
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Time and Time Again comes back tonight!
Thank you all for being so patient with me, I know it was a long hiatus.
My health was struggling, my arm was (is) hurting, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I'd rather be slow!
So thank you for giving me that grace, and I hope you'll be there with me for the rest of the series.
#like straight up. it's not worth it. idc how many people get mad at me#i would rather work fuckin. anything else than maintain this impossible schedule and keep hurting myself#if thats what it takes to do comics full time. then i can't do comics full time. simple as that!#i hope that for my next work i can have a healthier schedule and still make this work as my job#but if not. I'm never going back#i can't do it. 3 more years at this pace will take my ability to draw#anyways. its really good!!!#like genuinely i can feel a marked improvement in my skills#which is WILD!!! And I'm extremely happy about that!!!#just one more step into being better built to give people the quality stories they deserve.#ive not properly had the fire under my ass to finish stuff up but. its fine.#like i said? not worth it.#if i have to pause again then ill pause again. like i literally simply can not my body can't handle it#so. hopefully stuff goes smoothly but whatever happens will happen#whatever will be will be#i keep getting distracted lmfao#im excited about it coming back#and also. will. probably be distracting myself...#other creators dont read their comments. I'm like straight up not capable of that LMAOOO#i check for comments like all the time#love seeing em. love reading people's thoughts about my work#it makes me a better writer and keeps me connected to what matters most. which is my audience!#so i dont regret doing that but also. jts extremely distracting#i get straight up nothing done on big update days#cause im in the comments absolutely massive eyed refreshing.#this sounds obsessive. and it is. no jk#its just fun and keeps me in touch w peoples perception which helps me learn to write better#plus people are nice and ask me questions that i wanna answer#or if someone is being an ass. then i wanna tell them to leave (cause i cant block people) cause i consider it my responsibility#time and time again
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i love taking my time. i love working slowly. i love creating things at my own pace
#something something i won’t over think my consistency on my sims four blog#i will i post when i am ready. it is not my job#because why do i stress about not posting quick or often enough. gah thats so silly ….#we’re all just here to have fun. i don’t need to worry about anything else other than having fun w this blog#anyway. say it with me. i love taking my time. i love working slowly. i love creating things at my own pace 🧘#this is me reminding not only myself but YOU too my friend!#all that being said i am working on things between life beating my ass. mwah 🫡
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i miss editing videos :((
#my energy has been so low though#and haven’t really felt inspired#it’s just so time consuming#and tbh… people’s attention spans have become so short but i’m not a fan of these fast paced tiktok style edits#with a bunch of effects vomitted on them :)))#i mean they all have their right to exist and people seem to love them#but they’re really not my jam at all#but as much as i love editing and spending time trying to tell a great story with my vids#it’s hard to motivate myself when people prefer short supercuts over longer videos#and I KNOW i should be creating for myself first and foremost which i really try to do#but sometimes i wonder why i’m putting so much time into those vids when people obv wanna see something else#which is why i just….. don’t anymore…#also the like to reblog ratio is fucking me up so much#and i know artists and writers and gif makers and basically everyone who creates and shares their things on tumblr struggles with this#but i’m asking myself why i put 15-30 hours into one video when people like it and then just….. don’t share it#ugh okay rant over sorry i’m just in a weird mood rn 🙃
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it's been over a week but i legit haven't stopped thinking about this
#because i think it doesn't just apply to book publishing but really any kind of writing#including fanfiction#especially in current fandom times when everything feels just so fast paced#and it's SO easy to fall into this whole mindset of believing you gotta keep up with this pace#a lot of smart people have said a lot of smart things about the current state of fandom and i won't fall into a rant here#but i too often have to remind myself that me writing is supposed to be fun and not a fucking race#that i'm not competing with anyone#that i'm not creating 'content' to be consumed like some fast food#that there's no such thing as a flop fic if it was written with love and drive behind it#and yeah the jealousy man#it's an ugly feeling no matter which end you're on#comparison is a knife which we inevitably walk into#i love my writer friends to death and i will always always always cheer for them bc no one else will get this#but we're all just humans with very real and sometimes ugly emotions and i wish we could talk about this more openly#at the end of the day we want to be seen and acknowledged and we're our very own worst critics#ugh i have too many thoughts about this all#i need to lie down and feel normal again#lale.txt
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I love putting myself waist deep in writer problems that aren’t really a huge deal in the grand scheme of things but still bug me to no end [disclaimer: this post consists of fic planning rambles that can be construed as genuine questions for canon too]
Currently I’ve given myself a headache trying to figure out whether or not there’d be Heartless in Scala if Ephy (or anyone really) seals its Keyhole
Because what does locking a world’s Keyhole do exactly? Does it prevent Heartless from destroying the world? (they still appear, but just can’t destroy everything on a huge catastrophic scale) Or does it stop Heartless from appearing entirely, meaning there’s no need to worry about Heartless at all anymore?
My current working solution (for my own project, not necessarily for canon) is that Scala is a special case. As the hub for keyblade wielders, Heartless appear regardless of whether or not its keyhole is locked simply because they’re attracted to the keyblade and the numerous wielders that live there.
#roadie rambles#project E#feel free to comment on this but mainly this is just me pacing around talking to myself again lmao#I did mention the keyhole briefly in overmorrow but I didn’t say that eph locked it; I also mention that heartless are still around in OoA#so I’ve been thinking about whether the things I have lined up for E make sense or not#this is tricky bc of how early in the timeline it is#kh3 scala has heartless but it’s such a unique place that clearly reached the end of its normalcy long ago so I can’t rely on that#and ml scala has heartless that cross over from the astral dimension (unclear if there are normally heartless in scala without that)#so either I’ve written myself into a hole here. or I can make up my own rules/ideas to explain this#the latter is easier to accept and actually play around with hahah 😅#whatever WHATEVER! the universe 300 yrs ago was different. the end hahjwjsjhk#I overthink things a lot but I just. want it to make sense y’know? I get mad when I realize something was inaccurate in hindsight#even if no one else batted an eye at it 😅😅😅#‘this is a fic not a comprehensive exploration of canon’ past roadie says. yeah uh. okay
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Red Eyes and Evil Time, practically the same thing right (Patreon)
#Doodles#Villainsona#Just Desserts#Sona double feature!#Red Eyes and Evil Time /are/ different for the record lol#There's overlap and they're both eye details but they're different#Mmm Red Eyes feels so niiiice <3 And I've been pacing myself so it's Just Red Eyes!#No red shines :) Which can happen even on Red Eyes#In fact it's probably more common - the red shines on Blue Eyes was something of an oddity#No one knows the lore except me I'll explain someday lol#For now it's just fun to be in Red Eyes! :D And the occasional Evil Time as well lol - all the overlaps!#I somehow accidentally made a like?? Cotton Candied Popcorn themed outfit for Eli for the first one lol that wasn't my intention#I mean it's cute I'm not about to fight it lol I'd love for my sonas to have other clothes inspired by each other haha#Eli's eyes are still quite fun to draw as well haha those bright pops of colour - Red Purple or Blue they're all so stark and shaped#Back to their classic feminine outfit good for them uwu#Silly lad#They're also still a scientist first and foremost - it's all chemicals there's gotta be a way to recreate it externally!#Local vampire scientist creates mood stabilizers more at 7 lol#I'm quite pleased with the three-red two-purple one-blue gradient as well hehe - the decay! :D I like it as a visual#Charm tiiime <3 <3 Happy Charm time in Evil Time! Usually better than bad mood Evil Time lol - at least for those around her#Still chaotic to be in it haha - but happy chaos is happy! Lol#Again more fun with eyes the light bounce in the one where she's holding the melt is so cute and looks so nice on my paper too <3#I had a silly comic idea for her for the next time I get into Red Eyes as well - if I remember lol#Big Love is hearts! It just makes sense#Also I am Really proud of the cleaning job I did on that last one lol - from original to this? Night and day ngl#Guess that goes to show how little cleaning I do on-page lol#For some I do! Others...#Still thinking up outfits - you can probably just make out ''Hero Charm'' in her hair lol trying to think around different themes#Something that could become something else! Add or subtract an element and it changes the ''meaning'' of the outfit#Kinda like her initial caped design that Kaiein rejected hmmm
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i am getting so desperate i need flavo plushie..pleaseeeee
#Ive never been this desperate to hold a character i like SPAMTON ALREADY HAS A PLUSHIE !!! FLAVIO DOESNT HAVE ANYTHING!! so its like#i have to do this myself nobody else is going to#😭😭😭😭😭😭#i would smile so wide#i feel like pacing around at just the thought Im so ill guys#i feel like throwingup i want plushieeee i love plushies#birthday is coming up. i hope i get money from a couple relatives my aunt got me a tiny ass thing of vodka last time instead#cuz i turned 21 haha drinking age haha so funni I didnt drink it Btw#i just want money i could get whatever i want im begging#hrghhh i crave flavo touy
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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Last post before I crash and no-one hears from me until I return from my first final the morrow’s eve (a changed man no doubt) but there’ll never be anything funnier to me than consistently being viewed as a composed and calm saviour by peers while I’m, actively and uncontrollably losing it.
#not said sarcastically or as a vent by the way I genuinely find it so terribly amusing. you think I have it together ? aw <3 you fool.#i’ve been pacing around my room like a starving lion since the past week in whatever free time i’ve had.#and i keep getting people in my messages begging me for last minute help ? which is endearing but. i’m hanging on for dear life myself#helping isn’t foreign to me; i have 4 (?) people in my class who almost exclusively refer to me as ma’am and even refer to me as a teacher.#but helping last minute is so. deeply chaotic.#and I have this issue with me where having others around me makes me immediately drop into a ‘role’ of sorts?#i’ll be freaking out but then someone else starts freaking out around me and my immediate response is to just.#hey. we are going to make it out of this. it’s easy as pie. do you see me worried? no right? <- on the verge of hyperventilating#there’s this one guy in particular who got so excited to find out we have the exact same examination set-up tomorrow.#i gave him like basic pointers and i don’t think i’ve ever been thanked so earnestly and desperately in my life.#i remember during mocks my friends would message me what I wrote in questions and then they’d immediately go oh thank Fuck.#they’d literally just act like they’re absolutely going to pass now just because we had points in common.#as if i’m some sort of fucked up correct answer sheet incarnate.#it’s genuinely really sweet to me though; like i’m not posting this ranting or such.#having so much faith in another to the point that you can put yourself completely at ease says. alot i think.#and i’m glad i can be that person for so many.#and I feel like it helps me in a way too because i become so concerned with others that I forget to drown myself in my worries.#i forget that I’m worried because there are others to care about and console and help. so i suppose they help me in a way as well.#but also who is going to be that person for ME. who is going to console ME. im going fucking neurotic /jest#<- woman with ego issues & control issues who would rather die than accept help.#sigh. oh well. I’m sure we’ll do just fine. cannot wait#🥀🍷 — colloquy.
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on another note
#4-5ish months i’ve been the main (i’m pretty sure only) person cleaning every weekend#my only days off and through the week clean dishes or load up the washer and pick them up#occasionally someone else w load it but not pick up or vice verse#november i lost all motivation i ask for help i get told they’re tired or they work or later or im met w but i did xyz the other day blah bl#blah blah yk#i tried to clean in nov but i just can’t im tired it’s constant that im cleaning i want to do things not go from work to home for chores to#also cook and then clean up dinner because i also have a job#and when i do something im not like OH well i did xyz! so i won’t do that …no i just say okay because why bring up what i already did things#need to be done why are you arguing with me like we want to bring up receipts? i’ll bring them up#i’m cleaning up clothes that’s not mine i’m cleaning up shit piss ans throw up of a dog that is not mine i walk said dog occasionally#but nope not the other way around why would they do any of that when it’s not theirs ?#i ask them to pick one day to make dinner nope i can’t i’m busy i have xyz …okay i have work gym appts errands too#and since i have cleaned in like a month or over it’s a mess but no one has taken action to fix that it’s just it’s messy in here#that’s why i hate if you need help ask. .#I ASK I DONT GET HELP you ask i help but god forbid i ask#‘but you clean weird’ ‘you do a deep clean’ it’s a regular clean i clean to clean not to light dust and see it be back to how it was in a#day or two. deep clean is i’m up in a ladder cleaning the vents cleaning cabinets shelves i can’t regularly reach or are hard to get to and#honestly that should be a monthly thing#weekly is wipe down appliances. sweep swiffer vacuum and mop the floors. wipe countertops and flat surfaces. flip the chairs around tighten#bolts wash the tablecloth clean the table. vacuum the couches lint roll any cloth surfaces. clean or wipe down the stove/microwave depending#on how dirty. clean bathroom tub toilet sink floors mirror. this is not a deep clean w that you get the fridge and dishwasher windows move t#the furniture to clean under that. i am tired and i dont ever get to finish everything#bathroom stays last and weekends are only so long i also go to the gym or need to go to the store or have ot to do#and ik i brought up here that im depressed but im not bring that up to them because regardless these things need to get done be it a the#worlds slowest pace but does need to happen and i don’t want to use that as an excuse because i will just let myself lay in bed and not show#shower or move does this mentality eat away at me maybe idk but it’s what my parents gave me and it’s not changing i don’t think so here we#are.#we can wait another month and i might be on the up but ill be down again so 🤷♀️#like actually i can use a lot of things as an excuse but that doesn’t help anyone does it ?
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it is utterly miserable for a mediocre show to have a really good plot or make god tier parallels or connections because you're like well this show isn't good and the writing is flimsy and there are so many holes and bland storylines, but they paralleled the season finale to an earlier season finale and then made the weight of that decision foundational to the next season so now my every waking thought is consumed by it
#liveblogging: supernatural#i'm shaking and trembling as the horrors consume me#season 9 was so lacking for it to have been so significant and insane#sam's CHOICE he CHOSE dean. he CHOSE codependency. he CHOSE love for his brother above ALL ELSE#and then season 10 kicks off with all of that CRASHING DOWN AROUND HIM#1. he can't save his brother 2. his brother hates him 3. he's having all his shortcomings thrown in his face#he gave up EVERYTHING for dean in the s9 finale. and then dean TURNS INTO A DEMON#this show is not good. the writing isn't good. technically speaking. there are so many plot holes. senseless retcons. underexplored ideas#it's flimsy and weak and poorly paced and developed#and then they throw THIS SHIT into it#like WHAT am i supposed to do. WHAT am i supposed to feel#season 9 sucked but it changed the trajectory of my life forever. HOW do i cope with that#i wish demon dean would kill ME with a hammer so i didn't have to sit here and stew in my feelings. over this season 8-10 insanity#supernatural goes TOO HARD for having such mediocre writing. i'm going to light myself on fire#.txt
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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hey how do you forgive yourself for doing something something you feel is irrevocably embarrassing even though you know you can do anything you want forever
like how do you unlearn that shame
#jesus christ#i did something last night and i'm having the most horrifying sense of “post-nut clarity” that i have in a WHILE#and i didn't even get to nut like#rragahRAGSJKDLF i've been pacing around my kitchen trying to find the strength to make breakfast and finding none cause i'm so tired and#like. anxious over this harmless thing that i went out and did and i know its harmless and i know its private to me and no one else's#business and there are other people out there that also do this thing and it's not harming anyone so i should be fine#but like?????? trauma fuckin sucks man i hate this shit#i can wholeheartedly let adults do what they want forever as long as its not harmful cause it's their choice to do that#but the second that adult becomes me i can't?? my brain won't fucking let me#i'm gonna make myself a coffee and take a nap i can't do this shit anymore#maybe watch some youtube to drown it out#maybe animate. i mean i'm in the right headspace for a little vent animation that's for fucking sure#idfk#rant#rant in tags#i'm like genuinely asking for advice on how to help with this but also if you can't say anything helpful leave me tf alone please#i wanna disappear for a day or two#or forever idk
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Oh yeah since I mentioned it ages ago I've chosen to sort of hold off on maybe commissions because Art Fight is coming up. I still don't know how much (or little) I'm gonna draw for it but I think theres a good chance I'll do it again this year and didn't want to do commissions right before
#t.ext post#last year artfight knocked me on my ass and i didnt draw for like to months after until something happened#so idk how im gonna pace myself there#still kinda like. meh on having my own ocs up#mostly cause its like#cute girl. cute girl. rat monster. cute girl that is also a blob monster#but i dont really have much else... sorry my slugs are just the cute girls again#the only issue is that i cant draw humans im giving up so all the people who draw the girl sorry but you have to hav creature for me
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#so that dotd rewrite is out and i have some thoughts on it but i wouldn't know where to put them.. maybe in here bc i don't actually feel -#- like making a whole ass text post. this is coming from me as criticism and not hate.. just some crit from one fan to another if you get m#SPOILERS AHEAD >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#first off props to the team because this was obv a labor of love - 4 and a half years to make a feature long fan movie is hard work#and the animated stuff was a really nice touch and very commendable - you don't see them too often in big fanworks#in terms of the story well.. there are some things i like and some things that i don't (personally) again no hate#i'm aware this is a rewrite and boy howdy it IS a rewrite - though i am a bit sad that percy doesn't end up being the protagonist and it's#- thomas that has to play hero again.. like i kinda get it but what made the original dotd stand out was that percy was given the spotlight#so i spent an ungodly amount of time wondering when percy was gonna take charge or step into the main story to resolve the problem.. sigh#i liked that they tried to give norman more of a character bc a lot of characters do often get neglected in the series but it was kind of -#- hard to sell that for me? the twist in this rewrite was very creative and i do appreciate it but i guess it just ain't for me#“different” is ok and this is just one of many fan rewrites for this particular story#if there was something i enjoyed.. i guess the beginning was still kind of exciting because the set up was honestly like hype a bit#i liked that diesel and d10 actually got to interact face to face and there are clearer dynamics established for the diesels#and also. silverband's performances as d10 will always be fun he does a fantastic job voicing him (how d10 stole xmas will still be my fav)#my criticisms for this movie also derive from the pacing and the voice acting - i found it hard to try and understand tones sometimes -#- because the delivery felt so off.. like don't get me wrong not everyone in the fandom is a voice actor but if we're using static faces -#- for these fan works the delivery has to be a little more clear or else it'll sound like you're reading from a script.. sorry yall :"|#for the pacing i found it a bit hard to parse when some things were going on and how fast things were progressing#as well as the crashes.. that's also another thing bc i couldn't tell bc of the sfx and audio balancing - it could be better..#i wanna say. muffled voices do not substitute for a “far away”/off-screen voice bc i still can't hear it :“|#there were a lot of throwbacks and references to older thomas media/movies but some of them felt a little.. much?#if this is a dotd rewrite why are we getting some parallels with tatmr.. but i digress. at least they made diesel beef with duck a bit#there's a lot more i could say but i'm keeping those to myself. at the end of the day this fan movie was hard work for everyone involved#and you can tell some of the folks were having fun in there - props to them! i'm always glad to see more fan works in the community#we've come so far we're making feature length fan stories and rewrites that's crazy! i hope to see more in the future#fauxtrainpost.txt
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