#ugh i have too many thoughts about this all
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acexsmhking · 3 days ago
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I just saw your post about cowboy Brian and Tim. I NEED more if you would be willing to write it
˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Cowboy!Tim & Brian x FEM!Reader
note: YES YES. COWBOY BRIAN AND TIM LETS GOO I will be writing this kinda Brim-y I hope you don’t mind
Warning(s): 18+ content, old america, mentions of prostitution, mentions of abuse, mentions of Reader getting physical harmed, sweet ol’ boys.
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GAWHHHH THEIR ACCENTS, so listen we all know Brian and Tim (especially Brian) have some pretty nice accents in MH but lawd imagine that plus 100 ugh my heart
Tim found you first, you were a working girl having to deal with an.. unsatisfied customer. The man was being brash and crude, one hand tightly yanking on your wrist as he tried bringing you closer to him.
Tim got between you both as soon he noticed, he ain’t one to tolerate the disrespect of women. Prying off the man’s hands and roughly shoving him away, falling over his own ass. It took the degenerate a good minute to register anything, allowing Tim to turn to you.
He checked you over, smoothing out a few hairs and checking the angered skin of your wrist. Your body was shaking, eyes absolute mess and clothes torn and ripped. You could feel, hear your heart beat everywhere. You were convinced that drunken idiot was going to kill you.
Soon enough, another man joined you. You hadn’t a clue on actually paying attention to them. Your nerves were far too wired, survival instincts holding you on a stage of defensive shock. The taller man was trying to comfort you, gently herding you to the safety of a building while the other threatened the ‘customer’.
They stayed with you for a while, letting you calm down. “Wanna see the Sheriff?” Shorter man grumbled, rubbing his knuckles as he looked to you. His tone wasn’t mean at all, if not just hoarse. You shook your head, what would the sheriff do? Protect you? A worker girl? Please.
He nodded, handing you another refilled cup of water as you all sat in the far corner of a bar. Thankfully the bright day light meant not many were even in the damn thing, mostly just early games of poker.
“Thank you.” You mumbled, eyes sincere as you fiddled with your fingers. They both just simply smiled, waiting for your crew sisters to come find you. Leaving once sure you were safe. You didn’t see either of them for months, almost forgetting exactly how the two nice men looked.
Until, they came barreling into the small run down town with even more people. Two other men, and a woman. You were in your click of sisters when they stumbled into the bar clearly tired. You flushed and smiled when the tall one noticed you, giving you a friendly wave.
Your friends teased you, making goo-goo eyes at your ‘saviors’. You brushed them off, laughing at a few jokes while you tried getting back to work. Until, one motioned for you over. Hesitantly, you walked over, posture more relaxed and friendly compared to your provocative walk to seduce potential customers.
“Tim.” He introduced, pointing to the fellow in the yellow and black outfit, black gambler hat and mask covering his face still. “That’s Brian, sorry we ain’t remember our manners before.” He chuckled, reaching a hand out for you to shake. The simple, and friendly gesture taking you off guard.
Perhaps you thought they were going to ask you for a favor, a thank you of sorts. You smiled, genuinely and introduced yourself back. The other three seemed to pay you no mind, politely nodding at you before continuing with their own conversation.
You lost yourself in conversation, Brian was especially funny for such an intimidating man. Cracking jokes and telling stories. Tim was more quiet, comfortably slow, occasionally explaining inside jokes or explaining more details. Their presence was comforting, a safe haven from your usual day to day life.
You felt sadden when they all called in a night, giving a respectful goodbye before finding your own way to sleep. The next week passed in a blur, occasionally when running into each other the men would greet you, asking you how your day was and if you were safe. It was safe to say however, that you liked them. They were attractive, both physically and personally.
Their voices made your tummy flutter, thighs rub together. For the first time in a while you actually felt something down there. Haggard, you walked down the hallway of the hotel. Lazily fixing your tired appearance. You were tired, of everything. This same dingy town, this line of work. Everything. You rubbed your neck, taking off guard when you see Tim and Brian in the foyer talking.
They glanced up at you, conversation paused. You swore your heart was in your ass, here you were. Clearly having finished a job, hair a mess and clothes wrinkled. You hadn’t wanted them to necessarily see you like this, they knew, but you hadn’t wanted them to know.
You shuffled nervously, half-assed smile as you moved towards the door. Is this what humiliation is? You stopped when Tim called you over, eyes looking you up and down. You flinched slightly before easing into his touch as he pulled you in. Turning you a few to check you over. “Are you alright?” He asked, tone hushed and gentle.
You swore your stomach did summersaults, cheeks flushed at his concern. You nodded shyly, Brian large hand running over your back. “D’awww, sweet little thang all nervous?” Brian teased, trying to cheer you up. You scoffed, playfully shoving his shoulder eyes brightening.
They walked you back to your home, really a shared home. Wishing you a good night before leaving to sleep. You felt giddy all night as you thought about them, falling asleep with a silly smile on your lips. Discovering new things about yourself and them as the days passed.
Perhaps, outlaws weren’t all that bad. These two were mighty fine.
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: ̗̀➛ OMG I GOT LAZY TOWARDS THE END IM SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING IN A WHILE. Had to celebrate my nephew’s birthdays. But ong i love the idea of Outlaw!Creeps!! Ugh they’re all soo MDOWKMW. Anyways, love yall remember to stay safe and healthy! — Ace
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lale-txt · 5 months ago
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it's been over a week but i legit haven't stopped thinking about this
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yarrow-leaf · 6 months ago
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A kindling of a swordless bloodshed,
The creaking of a voiceless door —
Another piece inspired by something @mincemeat-the-warforged said that absolutely altered my brain chemistry (the same 1 am conversation that sparked this in fact!)
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iconicname · 1 month ago
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Me: just trying to read jason todd centric angst fic in peace
Tim drake 95% of the time: what if I made everything about meeeee I'm such a uwu abused neglected baby genius boy 🥺🥺who could do no wrong! See how I flinch and panic when Jason looks in my way!! Even though I'm supposed to be such a smart and tough badass robin worthy of my title unlike that stupid idiot 2nd robin who got himself killed and everything that ever happened to him was his fault because he beat me up one time and he disagreess with the almighty batman! :((((( I'm so terrified of him, but I'll forgive him, im so brave to face my "abuser." I'm such a good person who puts the mission first and emotion second, and B-b-b-because jason was my robin!! How could my inspiration betray me like this? im so insecure about my position as robin! I keep invading Jason's boundaries because I'm soooo smart! And that stupid idiot jason doesn't know. This is just how Bruce and I show love aren't such a good person with no flaws whatsoever? I may be born rich, but I'm the perfect philanthropist who has no internal biases against poor people and know the ins and outs of how to handle crime alley! I may even teach Jason something! Any good that ever happens to Jason is because of my interference , he should be forever grateful for having a brother like me and also forever guilty for beating me up one timeee, let's ignore the fact I fought back just as much and was conically still standing by the end. Jason should feel sooo guilty for existing in my presence that he feels obligated to cater to my emotional needs like a parent even though he's only three years older..I'll even guilt trip jason into taking care of Bruce's emotional needs because he's soooo sad and repressed his emotions! Even though Bruce and I never had a day in our lives where our needs were unable to be met and we never had a lack of support systems and jason spent spent his who childhood taking care of adults who should have been taking care of him. But I'm just so small and frail! I need taking care of and Bruce neglects me for that evil 9 year old, look at these brittle thin bones I'm so unhealthy and don't know how to take care of myself I need jason to do it even though I'm medically fit enough to be a vigilante and had enough support growing up to have access to good medical care and consistent nutrition. Oh, but i just don't know how to care for myself. I'm such a genius, but i can't figure out basic math like getting no sleep, and relying on coffee will lead to burnouts. I just want to keep going because I'm so loyal and noble. I can't waste a moment of time to save people! :))) look at all of these cutesy quirks I have no character development needed in fact all of my perceived character "flaws" are positive flaws or flaws that only negatively affect my uwu sad boy self rather than other characters or the plot!
#anti tim drake#sorry lol i had get this out#i would be less mad if i could escape it lol but no matter how many tags i put in the exclude section fanon tim uwu baby drake always ther#im pretty new to this fandom and ive only really read jason todd stuff so when i started reading fics i honest to god thought tim was a#5 years old#like sir what is wrong with you#just before writing this i was reasing a series of one shots that explore bruces abusive actions towards jason#in a way that batman got found out by jl and locked up. lolll so subsequently the batfam kids found out too#and there are multiple pages worth povs of tim Drake whining about how even if its abuse jason is still getting more attention from bruce#than him and i lost it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU#and like again i cant escape this shit fanon tim always have to be involved istg GO SOMEWHERE#like usually when i dislike a character from the fandom this much i try to get to know their canon ver to soften the blow ig#but when these weird contradictory#arbitrary made up mary- sue-like interpretations of a character is so widespread like this#i tend to think the actual character fucking sucks and his popularity is due to something not related to his character#srsly what do yall like abt. him bcs all i got is. smart. victim blamer. upper class baby. and his parent were vaguely non available.#and a big emphasis on 'vaguely'#how is any of this compelling????????#i came to this fandom bcs of jason todd but i slowly started like the rest of the robins like dick. steph. and especially Damian#but more and more evryday i find another reason to hate this motherfucker#ugh
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sallymew4 · 4 months ago
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kids when they hear that their dad is back in town VS. kids when theyre hanging out with a conman that accidentally stole their wallet once
im not even joking btw
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bonus heres me being crazy about them in dms ^^^
#mob psycho 100#mp100#shou suzuki#sho suzuki#reigen arataka#i know sho doesnt actually BELIEVE his dad is back but even just that split second reaction is a weird one to have over your dad coming bac#he was like 'say sike rn... wait that aint right.'#shou watching them on the bottom floor while being isolated up in the corner at the end of the third stage play. and saying#'it's nice that they're so easygoing.' all wistfully???? im killing somebody#reigen calling him a poor thing and worrying about him DESPITE knowing his mischievous ways. ugh#gonna quote my reaction to clip rq#'bro [shou] heard him [reigen] talking about guardianship over children and making sure theyre safe over anything else and was like-#'this is getting too real for me i gotta make fun of him immediately.''#idc WHAT yall think to ME that was such a thick layer of defense mechanism that even though reigen's guardianship speech wasnt directed#at Sho he still felt the intrinsic urge to shoot back because of what hes experienced with people who are SUPPOSED to be protecting him.#would yall believe me if i told you i am totally insane#there are SO MANY THINGS. woven into their interactions that really enhance it#its totally silly! yes! but also! it is a legitimate ARC of GROWTH within their relationship! we watch as Sho starts off#with no trust in the man at all (although for a pretty good reason)#and over time he realizes hes NOT total shitbag#of course this doesnt mean hes completely vulnerable with him. its easy to infer that his distrust in certain people is formed from#a lifetime of being let down and incapability of dependency on certain trusted adults. his defense must be so heavily built up#even after gaining some sort of trust from Shou Reigen will NOT be exempt from his impish defense mechanisms.#sho will not make himself emotionally available as he would then be open to being hurt by someone else he thought could trust#his 'carefree and prankish' behavior is the wall between himself and such an intense feeling of disappointment and hurt and loneliness#but i like to think hes also just silly. hehe#man that stage play huh. shoots every fatal drug directly into my bloodstream#shou's trust and father issues VS stupid conman who has the common sense to not let children be beat up by grown ass adults. who will win.#i mightve forgotten something but. i think this is pretty packed full already so i am pleased. thank you for reading <3#meowmeow art
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tumblweeds-omegaverse · 7 months ago
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random omegaverse thought:
There must be people who experience specific instinct things with indifference or boredom.
Procreative cycle coming up? "Crap, I've got plans this weekend...stupid skip weeks."
Caught an intriguing scent while walking? "But I need to get to work! Shut up brain."
Had a snap response to a distressed sound? "Who was it?! ...right, it's my day off, I can go back to sleep."
Somebody growled at them? "Kid, I'm not a rival, that's my sibling."
Super cozy cuddle session happening nearby? "I'm gonna pass tonight guys, no social battery left, maybe next time."
Group of friends heading out to flirt and check out other singles? "I'm coming with you but only to make sure you all get home safe."
Setting where fated mates or soul bonds or permanent marks are a thing? "Meh. I don't really want one or care if I ever get one."
People in the actual omegaverse would get as bored of their stuff, as we do of ours, you know? It could be interesting to see that kind of vibe in fics. Biological demands faced with all the excitement of paying bills or doing laundry or tying your shoes.
Even if that kind of energy might not drive a plot, it could be interesting to have as a contrast to the people who do have big feelings about them - good or bad.
There's the friends who can't wait til they have a pack of their own, and the one friend who isn't against it but couldn't care less. There's the group in the office who are all about scent compatibility tests and figuring out one's best match and what sprays most highlight it, and the coworker who has no intentions on putting that much effort in. There are parents who hover and protect their offspring by scenting them multiple times a day, and others who don't see what the fuss is as long as it's done in the morning.
...also: packs with introverts who show care by giving each other space. So often, closeness is depicted through physical touch and tactile affection, but comfortable silence is meaningful too. Knowing people are near, but not having to interact until you're ready. Sitting in the same room doing different things, knowing that all it takes is a "hey, look at this" to share what you're up to. People understanding and accepting each other's differing or fluctuating needs for how and when to recharge. Seeing somebody reaching out or sharing space, beyond what's their norm, as a signal of the fact that they care.
#omegaverse worldbuilding#a/b/o worldbuilding#a/b/o dynamics#kinda#not gonna tag sfw though it mostly is#heat/rut mention#twovvie chatters#hi its me im introverts#a version of me in omegaverse would love to live in a pack house#as long as i could have a space to myself#people nearby? good! people around all the time? uhhhh#even my family knows that after so many hours of fun family party#i'm gonna disappear to whatever room has the fewest people in it#or find a random corner and start reading#“oh! i didnt know you were here” yes that was the plan#also i just find the idea of someone#who couldnt care less about pairing up#to be funniest in a setting where that's a big deal#“too bad you havent found a mate yet” “no i already know who it is”#“congrats! when do we meet them?” “oh i didnt mean that i'm going to date them. i just know who it is.”#“but i thought you were single?” “yup.” “don't you want a mate?” “nah too annoying.”#cycle day? nice i get a free day off work#cycle day? ugh not this again#the duality of man (a/b/o edition)#granted i hc heats/ruts as heightened libido and greater fertility#because i dislike elements of heats/ruts that (imo) mess with people's ability to freely consent#if the only non-sexual options are pain or solitude and the species needs compaionship as much or more as regular humans#then not being able to or being unwilling to is like a punishment for those people#sure stress or other needs can short circuit it (irl) but theres plenty of reasons to not be interested that arent “you have a problem”#surely i'm not the only person who reacts to various body requests with “later i'm busy” right?
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dany36 · 1 month ago
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im trying not to sound like a broken record but my GOD I swear this game stays fresh even after replays. I thought I was done playing HFW but after seeing this cutscene i think I’m gonna have to schedule a replay of it this year…”I only wish that I could hear your voice again” AND SHE DOES!!!! SHE FUCKING DOES!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA 😭😭😭😭
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reineydraws · 11 months ago
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Saw your Mishanks bodyswap art! Very cute and fun! (Mihawk with a genuine smile on his face so so fun)
I imagine Shanks whould have trouble fighting in Mihawk's body at first since it's been years since he's had two arms
yes absolutely, i imagine that too! conversely, i think mihawk would have a little bit of trouble adjusting his balance and reach with a body missing one arm, as well. it's interesting to think about how they both would be forced to change their fighting style, and whether or not they would exchange swords.
mihawk's been seen using yoru with just one hand so he could probably pull it off with shanks's body. also interesting to think about shanks tripping up on having two arms until he naturally slips into his old fighting style again--or would he? because there's also the question of muscle memory, right? would mihawk's body automatically do things that shanks isn't predisposed to doing, and vice versa?
the other thing i find intriguing about body swapping in one piece is the question of whether or not your haki powers would switch as well. they say haki is spiritual presence, so presumably your haki switches if your spirits switch, but if it's the kind of spirit that's tethered to the presence of the body? then consider mihawk having the strongest conqueror's haki out on the blues, or shanks being able to use observation haki at mihawk's level, practically being able to predict the future--or mihawk, able to counter with shanks's haki-kill technique. food for thought!
#rei replies#one piece#mishanks body swap au#mishanks#akataka#dracule mihawk#shanks#akagami no shanks#red haired shanks#re: the genuine smiling#i also like to think shanks in mihawk's body would have this moment where he realizes his cheeks ache from all the smiling he's doing lol#bc mihawk's facial muscles arent used to doing it#and when they switch back shanks teases mihawk about it ('you exercise so many of your muscles hawky but your cheeks? they're weak!')#and he manages to get a smile out of mihawk that's mihawk's version of a genuine smile and it's softer and less wide but it's honest#and oh shanks is soooooo in love with him hahaha#BY THE WAY ALSO I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS OMG but in this body-swapped au mihawk-as-shanks would 100% shave for shanks#like hell is he gonna let shanks grow *stubble* on *his* face. dracule mihawk with STUBBLE? banish the thought!!!!!!#but shanks doesnt do it up to his standards so there's totally a scene where mihawk and shanks are body swapped in the bathroom#and mihawk is standing too close and shaving his lil pointy sideburns and mustache onto shanks's face#and shanks is having a crisis because that's his own face breathing too close and waaaay to intimately but that look of concentration#is ALL mihawk. shanks can practically his eyes--so familiar from the mirror and wrinkled with laugh lines--glow yellow with how#much mihawk looks like himself right now even in shanks's body.#it's all very strange. shanks has been attracted to mihawk for a long time but it's just blatantly unfair that the first time in YEARS#theyre this close again and it's shanks's own body that he has to look at. on the upside he supposes all he needs to do to ogle#mihawk is to look down. pros and cons pros and cons.#(mihawk isnt having a crisis. mihawk is annoyed that hia beard is easier to do in first person it is to do in the third person.#surely not having to do it reflected in a mirror should be easier and yet for some reason everything feels off! ugh.)#i digress
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astrolotte · 6 months ago
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Genuinely intrigued by the potential of Peri and Irep's dynamic but only in a platonic way so I end up not vibing with the fandom's portrayal of it 😔😔😔
(No but listen LISTEN they were kinda-almost-friends when we last saw them in FOP, yeah? Now they're enemies, with both actively fighting each other, and Irep going so far as to try and kill Peri's parents. What happened? When? What influenced it? Did they ever become friends, or did it nosedive the moment the cameras turned off? What about Sammy? How do Irep's parents factor into this? Could it ever be fixed? There's just so much we haven't seen, and romance just feels like too easy a solution to me. Let their friendship be easy to break, fragile. Let them have to work to keep the connection. Fairies and Anti-Fairies are literally made to be opposites, so what happens when two genuinely and truly become friends?)
((and yeah I guess a lot of this could factor into a romantic angle but ALAS the fandom seems to be leaning heavily into the funny toxic yaoi angle 😔 I don't mind it! By all means, please have your very harmless fun! But it ain't my jam :P Perhaps I'll have to write a oneshot myself...))
(((see tags for more rambles i guess. whoops a bitch spoke too much in there as he always does)))
#i'm banned (self inflicted) from writing long fics until i finish this one i'm working on#and honestly I might keep the ban afterwards i am SO BAD at working on long fics. never finished one ever#oneshot guy thru and thru. but painfully. disastrously. i have so many long fic ideas...#anyway I like to think that they did become friends#and then not friends. and then friends again. and then not friends. and then-#and sometimes it was Peri's fault but a lot of the times it was Irep not feeling like he was allowed to be Peri's friend#and doing something to break it off#but Peri would keep trying to be his friend or Irep would realize that he still wants to be#but one day. Peri just gave up#he was tired of this back and forth. of never knowing if he was gonna be friends with this guy tomorrow or not#so he stopped trying. decided that if Irep wanted to be friends again HE would have to be the one to try and repair it#and also give him an apology maybe. not for breaking off the friendship again just for all the fucking murder attempts#(''if i die you die too dumbass-'')#unforch this happened to line up with Irep finally reconnecting with Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda again#and with them discouraging being friends with fairies + peri not trying to fix it this time... it. uh. kinda broke it off for good#('maybe not for good. maybe there's a chance. maybe Irep would-... ugh. it's not worth thinking about...')#Sammy's still friends with both of them though. It is Not Fun#gives Sammy my childhood experience of my two fighting friends wanting to sit with me at lunch but refusing to talk to each other#okay damn this post got long af. did not realize i had thought about this so much until i practically dropped a fic down here#anyway. actual tags? actual tags#fop#fairly oddparents#the fairly oddparents#peri fop#irep fop#peri fairywinkle-cosma#uh. do ppl search irep's full name... augh#irep anti-fairywinkle-anti-cosma#congrats elkniwirep your name fucking sucks. it's awful#a new wish
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nabaath-areng · 29 days ago
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I think the worst part about being disabled is just how MANY issues you get in one go. Like a 9-for-1 type of deal but for shit you'd rather not deal with but now you're stuck with it. And on one hand I'd love for that to not become my entire personality! Yet at the same time every little thing decides how I'm interacting with the world as a whole and everything and everyone around me, you cannot remove those things from the equation and so there's nothing to do but to try and quell the shame and embarrassment in favour of actually growing a psychological spine that's built better than my physical one. The mourning for all the hopes and ambitions you had to give up in order to survive is an ongoing process of mourning but the time will pass anyway and so all one can do is keep going and keep surviving.
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itspileofgoodthings · 1 month ago
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sometimes I make a post and then have to save it to drafts so I can gauge if it’s too shallow/flippant for me to share with the general public.
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puppppppppy · 10 months ago
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i think the reason why im so drawn to spirit tracks and pkmn scarvi is that having the legendary/princess as a companion rather than a goal that marks the games completion makes me feel satisfied the way i would after helping a friend
my brother always teases me about how I still havent finished botw after almost 7 years bc "id rather be out picking flowers" which i wont say is untrue. and yes i know Zeldas been holding off ganon for 100 years, yes i can get some sort of idea what her relationship with link was like by recalling memories and going through her diary. ive always loved botw for its unique storytelling and setting which makes it stand out, because it lets you get to know who you're saving.
but because theyre memories, it only works if theres something for the player to investigate that already happened. its retroactive (but effective nonetheless)
on the other hand, spirit tracks does something similar but instead of having the player try to piece together memories and interpret them as a spectator, you actually have an opportunity to get to know zelda yourself by talking to her and working together. besides making it a gameplay mechanic, giving the player control over how they interact with zelda makes it so much more personable.
and I find that making the goal feel personal instead of an obligation gives me more of a reason to work towards it. I know what kind of person botw zelda was but as the player, shes still very much a stranger to me. but spirit tracks zelda? thats my friend!!!! she invited me to go to the beach after we get her body back!!! i dont want to whip her to make her move faster thats mean :(
you know how hostage negotiators are trained to introduce themselves and get to know the person theyre negotiating with because its harder to hurt someone when you know what their favorite food is? its kinda like that, because it feels like im helping a friend than being told or led to do smth
and although i havent played scarvi myself, i feel an attachment to koraidon and miraidon even just watching playthrough clips because its like!! thats my weird scaly dog!! it loves sandwiches and we're friends!!! you know!!!!!!
#i dont normally write long posts like this but i think ive been trying to put this into words for a long time and it finally happened#my cloth mother spirit tracks zelda and my wire mother lttp zelda#ACTUALLY ANOTHER THING when i was a kid i always felt guilty when i had to catch the legendary at the end of the game#because to me it was like 'i know none of this is real but if i capture you and have you under my thumb am i robbing the world of something#normal thoughts for a 10 year old to have#when i talked to my brother abt this he was like 'i mean yeah the point is to dunk on the NPCs what were you expecting' and i mean i think#i get that its supposed to feel rewarding because the legendary is THE reward. but it doesnt feel right and i dislike he feeling of pushing#others down to get ahead. i guess u can argue sun/moon does smth similar where you have nebby with lillie#but lillie still ends up handing nebby over to the player and i STILL feel bad because im like shit man you raised that little guy#and koraidon/miraidon feels less like a reward but more like overpowered motorcycle lizard that is just so oupydog. and i love him#and in spirit tracks i went out of my way doing some of the side quests bc zelda asked nicely and honestly that was enough for me#i think all of this boils down to.. i feel very protective abt things i care abt so stories that give me a reason to care hits harder#this can also go the other way bc i CRIED when i finished links awakening because i KNEW every person and im responsible for#literally the end of their world. like. there was a family with 5 kids. marin loved singing and cared about me. she was my FRIEND#i just. ugh. i have too many feelings rn. i kinda wanna draw more spirit tracks link and zelda i think that wld make me feel better#yapping#diary#loz#pokemon
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1960z · 2 months ago
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I’m going to make my aai1 final thoughts post soon hold me to it guys
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phagodyke · 4 months ago
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad ��
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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wonbiinz · 3 months ago
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i missed you so much hong seunghan.
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crimsongrimoire · 1 year ago
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im not sorry for the kind of person i will become when wriothesley gets released
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