#sleeping less makes me way less tired
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#being suicidal#gonna try to walk to the store later tho#still tired#trying polyphasic sleep again#sleeping less makes me way less tired#it helped my mood quite a bit#and wayyyyyy more time to do shit#maybe not sleep deprivation but#jk that was fun#doing that again soon#back to polyphasic sleep#easier on my insomnia anyhow#NOT sleeping makes me way less tired****
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really wish my one friend would quit flirting with me. and trying to goad me into hanging out more. and assigning us fictional characters that are oh-so-coincidently either couples or with romantic tension. and then interrupting our gameplay to ask me repeatedly if I think they’re “like us” (which they rarely are…). and matching my icon on discord without asking (again, usually by insinuating a couple connection). and giving me random things I do not want and did not ask to receive (and then forcing me to take them???).
#storyrambles#it’s not creepy. just for context. it’s just irritating because I’ve told this person repeatedly that I’m not interested in romance.#this person is also naturally a huge romantic so it is next to impossible to tell whether it’s actual flirtation or just flirting for fun#flirting for fun is cool. I wouldn’t mind that. but if I do it once this person will take that as an invitation to do it an excessive amoun#but yeah after being given 12 roses out of the blue when I said ‘no don’t buy me flowers’. there’s only so many things that can mean#‘it’s nice to see your face you always cover it!’ …I’m masking. because of covid#I’m narrating a game and suddenly ‘I like hearing your voice I should call you every day so I can hear it for 10 minutes’. …no.#‘you have to take the snack I brought you know it’s rude to refuse a gift’ I have never refused a gift. It is rude. But also I didn’t ask.#‘you know this game is one you can play without talking so we can play more often!’ we already play games once a week for usually 3 hours.#‘but it’s not talking so it’s less social energy’ no. that is not how it works.#sorry for the rant im just. tired.#you know those people who are so pleasant to hang out with and then they try way too hard#and that’s actually what makes things awkward? rather than when they’re just being themselves?#yeah. that’s this friend here.#usually I go along with the bit but when I can never tell when the bit is actually a bit#and you insist on me taking on the ‘girl role’ for most of them#I am not going to play along.#UGH don’t get me started on the ‘you’re cute when you’re flustered’#I wasn’t even flustered. I was trying to do mental math while running on four hours of sleep and he was staring directly at me#it’s uncomfortable.#also. I never want to hear that again. fuck. ‘you’re cute when you’re angry’ ‘you’re cute when you’re upset’ ALL THE FUCKING TIME AS A KID#will I be so cute after I kick you in the nuts? will I?#(for clarity I don’t want to kick him. I want to kick those other people.)#I need a lot of alone time. I really do. I can do 3 hours and then I will be drained for the rest of the day.#‘how did you grow up? did you not talk to your mom for more than 3 hours a day?’#first of all. that’s different?#secondly we actually regularly do separate things without talking to each other. or go in separate rooms to take some time to ourselves#also I don’t have to be on high alert for if I’m going to be flirted with. so.#ugh. I like him as a friend. I really do. I know this all makes it seem like the opposite. I try so hard to be as nice as possible.#but UGHHHHHH
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I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
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hot blonde woman on bb who i thought maybe this time the hot blonde woman will not flop on me & will be a good player i was soooooo hopeful of course she immediately aligns w the ppl who i do not like & is having group delusions w them abt how they’re the best players in the house when they have no power at all omg i am doomed w these blonde women legit just texted my friend that i will never trust a hot blonde woman on bb again i am DONE…..look at the world’s saddest progression of texts between thursday night & last night 😩
#michelle speaks#let me explain my deep rooted logic to u. see i am very attracted to blonde women it’s my curse#so i would like them to stay for longer so i can stare at them bc they r beautiful#however if they r playing a game i do not like i want them gone which must battle w my lesbianism#yes there are other hot women for me to appreciate. but this is just abt the blondes in particular 😩#i have my other women……..i just want to catch these blonde women like pokemon idk. but it’s like u see her stats & ur like oh. nvm.#idk ive only ever played pokemon go i’m assuming that makes sense as a statement. i’m also very tired#bc i did not sleep a lot last night bc i was watching feeds & i have been trying not to fall asleep since like 6pm#so i will go to sleep now perhaps but i will remain angry that i have witnessed another blonde FLOP. i dont deserve it 😩#i just want a blonde woman i can root for so i dont have to feel bad abt wanting her to stay so i can stare at her…..ok#why must i be cursed to be so into blondes it isn’t fair 😭😭😭 they either flop on bb or are icons and WAY less r icons i’ll say that 😔#anyway i will not post abt bb again i promise i know no one cares 😭 i just wanted to update abt Her
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help i'm listening to an orchestral arrangement of holiday by green day and i can't deal with it
#it's so disgustingly high up. the melody. that it sounds like pirates of the carribean#like. do you not get the memo to give the melody to anyone but the violins?? give it to the cellos or the trombones smh#other than that musically it's really good. BUT the reason i'm on here#is because i need someone less sleep deprived than me to queue up holiday and then more (by 5sos) and tell me is it the same chord#that holiday ends on and more (and bobd) start on??#if so. you know what i'm gonna do#i'm gonna fix this#and i'm tired enough that i feel like i can do better than anything i hear right now#was singing along to my cd in the car on the way back from orchestra and just. singing high harmonies like i'm delta goodrem#because apparently i learned everything i know from her? checks out#but the point is. that's not the main melody#in holiday. or it straight up sounds like pirates or some video game soundtrack#anyway the video is by epic orchestra. you can look it up#they didn't get the memo on how to write bass parts for orchestra apparently. fuck off i learned on teeth (song)#green day#holiday#boulevard of broken dreams#5 seconds of summer#more#silver arranges 5sos#thinking of making it some choose your own adventure between easier/more and holiday/bobd where they can swap next songs#and musically it works perfectly#help i'm listening to their bobd arrangement now and i swear it sounds like on of the triumphant end scenes from pirates#i don't watch enough movies bc it sounds generic movie soundtrack happy. which is stupid. it's boulevard of broken dreams#it's meant to be SAD. just cause it's in a major key ffs#sorry i should shut up and go to sleep#you can ask me about this later#i will post any demos that i make. you might not remember by then#because if i had the word 'soon' in my vocabulary...#just as well no one is relying on me
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Well...it's been a good run for...every ship left involving a woman in this poll. o7
#or more than one woman. you know what I mean.#(except for the one f/f versus f/f poll so we do at least have ONE guaranteed ship moving forward)#like. I know this is NOT a big deal (& I'll definitely forget about it once it's over) but I just...DO so tire of how guy-focused fandom is#then you try to complain about this and people accuse you of gender essentialist bullshit#which is ALSO exhausting#like I do genuinely like hanging out in my little niches with a handful of like-minded people but it does get...lonely I guess? sometimes?#you know that the things you create will be seen as inherently less valuable. you know that even in the Weird Interest™ Spaces you are#still seen as weird. you still don't fit in. the characters like you are discarded/ignored/disproportionately hated the way you are in real#life and it's rooted in a lot of the same ideas. like obviously I'd take THIS over misogynistic shit that actually happened to me but it#certainly doesn't make dealing with the reality of misogyny any EASIER#'I focus on men to escape irl misogyny/creator misogyny' I feel like actively ignoring women is also misogyny. actually.#whatever. nothing is new ever lmao.#In the Vents#at least The Major Evil has been defeated. I CAN at least sleep easy over that one.
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Oh hello 3am existential crisis. Haven't seen you around in a while...can't say I missed you.
#i don't understand how i can feel so alone and so isolated while also having a number of good friends#all of whom im a little in love with in different ways#how can you love so many people so much and still feel lonely?#is it because of all my friends only one is in brickspace and i rarely even get to see her?#i know my lack of physical contact is rather alarming (i get one or two hugs a month if I'm lucky.)#(and even casual non accidental touches are rare. i get maybe one of those a week.)#is that why i feel so alone and isolated? the lack of physical connection?#i wish i had a friend i could move in with. i wish loving people didn't hurt so much.#i wish i could believe the sentiment that all relationships are important and that platonic love isn't lesser than romantic just different#but ive yet to actually see that be true. i feel like ill never be someone's most important person. or even 6th most important.#im just so fucking tired#of everything.#is it me? am i off putting? do i do things unintentionally that keep people at a distance? what am i doing wrong? why can't I connect?#i KNOW im not broken for being autistic or ace or aro etc etc but fuck if I don't feel broken most of the time#fucking hell#definitely time for bed#i bet these feelings are being exacerbated by pmdd just like my fibro and my stomach and my sleep#doesn't make the feelings any less upsetting#fox thoughts#☉
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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Going to bed feeling kinda confused and down :((
#havilah's thoughts#a friend and I have been spending a lot of time together the past few days and tonight he had an argument w his boyfriend and then said#maybe he needs to stop seeing me#he being my friend not his boyfriend. and I’m. it’s so late and my brain is just not all the way here but I’m feeling kinda hurt and bad#we absolutely have been spending a lot of time together and if he wants to spend less with me and more w his boyfriend that makes sense to#me but I guess the phrasing is just making me sad?? I would be v sad if I never saw him again#maybe that’s not what he means I’m rly not sure. not sure what to think#I know I just shouldn’t lol I need to sleep and deal w this later when I actually have all my damn faculties#anyway. night all#also I’m trying to summarize a situation and I’m rly fucking tired so pls take that into consideration like#what I’m describing is maybe not crazy accurate or maybe I’m making it sound diff than it is
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life would be so much better if i wasn’t so absolutely fucking depleted and exhausted all the time lol
#or afraid of getting covid#purrs#like life is passing me by i think. i am very small and i have nothing to say. i cannot sustain all the ways im being stretched. i am#not capable of deep thoughts or lifechanging insights or rocking chair conversations or warm eyes. i will not be getting my learners permit#when i said i would because im just too fucking tired. i will proceed to spend the week sleeping until 1pm and playing video games all day a#and barely moving at all and letting life live me instead of living it myself. i just do not have any energy at all ever. i don’t even have#spoons at this point i have like.. metal scraps. CONSTANTLY. the mortifying ordeal of knowing i am wasting my life and not living to the#fullest or making a meaningful contribution to the world or creating magic and love and change in relationships with other people and the mo#mortifying ordeal of no longer having the bandwith / strength / wherewithal to care much less do anything about it 😍😍😍#like omg. i have never gotten covid and god fucking willing i never will but the psychological damage this pandemic has had on meeeeee. the#fact that we haven’t taken like a solid week as a society to process it all. the fact that i am socially mentally emotionally stunted in#ways i will never recover from no matter how hard i try. gotta love it 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍#delete later#<- it’s not just bc of covid obviously bc everything at home and at work is in massive transition and i do not do well w instability. i#would like at least one area of my life to be stable please. i don’t think that’s such a big as#*ask lol#im just depressed bc im tired and this week has been insane and my dyshydr*sis is flaring up HORRIBLY rn but also the overwhelming excruciat#excruciating awareness that i am a nothing girl living a nothing life and i did that to myself as a survival mechanism except survijlving =#scraping myself along the ground in every fathomable area of my life. awesome
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i feel like life right now is me trying to juggle approximately 127 different things, and none of them are life-or-death but they’re all equally important to me, so those 127 things are like simultaneous balls in the air that i am holding up while the adderall shortage makes it harder to remember what they are let alone keep from dropping them, and at this point even my to-do lists have lists which got so out of control that i stopped even keeping lists but also i’m so tired every day that i’m lucky if i get a single thing done and if i don’t set alarms then i depression-sleep for fourteen hours because oh yeah my adderall was also the only thing that helped my bipolar meds work all the way so i’m crying and thinking about everything that makes me sad 24/7 while i try to keep juggling
#...so if i owe you a reply that would be why#also i need to review the enola holmes sequel and write a huge disenchanted rant (watched that one last night)#but i don't know when i'll have the energy#today at least i did get some things done--returned stuff to a store and got my flu shot and covid booster#...i was actually out to return things and get my adderall but at least those vaccinations were also on my general to-do list#it's just a lot less stuff than i NEED to be doing#and so much of it comes down to the fact that i sleep a lot i wake up i feel so tired it's like i didn't sleep#and then i just spend the whole day waiting to go back to bed#and under those conditions it's really hard to accomplish anything else#but i genuinely can't tell how much of my exhaustion is depression-based#and how much is physical because i've felt under the weather and had weird symptoms in one way or another since the summer#and at this point it's like...my doctor brushed me off when i tried to get help in the summer so i waited like she advised#for things to improve on their own#and they haven't but i'm so tired physically and emotionally and psychologically that i can't say i have any more self-advocacy fight in me#like it's obviously bad that the alternative is me continuing to feel like i'm maybe slowly wasting away and just letting it happen#but depression makes it pretty hard to care#randomness#mental health#depression#bipolar disorder#adhd#life stuff#health#/tag abuse
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i'm going to talk to myself morosely in the tags for a bit to see if i can unknot the brain parts, disregard.
#i am. so tired of money dude.#i have insane student debt but i don't have insane OTHER debt and it's still so overwhelming#when i say not insane i mean like <5k#it's still way more than i should because that two fucking months without health insurance really fucked me up#but i can get on top of it with how much im paying for rent and meds and utilities and car payments and car insurance#and having to eat#like im in a much much better place mental health wise than i was but i think maybe ive made a mistake#the ability to cancel my student loans is huge. it's huge and i'm essentially guaranteed that from multiple directions in about three years#but the interim? i knew it was gonna be tight and it's gonna be less tight at some point but the last three months have just been barely#hitting each paycheck not in the hole and having to make car payments late and having to rely on credit for unavoidable overdrafts and#idk what to do lmao#and if the smoke thing w the apartment stays this bad it's gonna continue to negatively impact my health and i literally cant afford to mov#even to somewhere cheaper#i cant afford the initial payments to do that even though it'll be better in the long run#im so stressed and it's negatively impacting my relationships and i cant put my brain into working through my stupid fucking issues because#all in doing is surviving#and it makes me so sad because there's already enough in the world without my adding to it#im just tired dude and it's gonna be another week and a half of just. clenching my jaw and not sleeping#idk what to do dude moving back here WASN'T a mistake but im sure hovering on the line of really really feeling like it was#.... good motivation to do my fucking taxes i guess. like. TOMORROW.#not sure that helped but at least it's not just a weird mass in my chest anymore#and my hand is still fucked up and im never gonna be able to pay to fix it at this rate lmao#at least one of them sort of works.
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One of these days I’ll actually sit down and draw those 20+ mental debuffs my family has placed on me….
#d0 stuff#the inability to go into deep sleep bc sth could happen to them anytime#the audio hallucinations#the way I can never truly Rest as long as they are awake#not being able to enjoy anything in 100% because they could always want sth#my fear of getting sick bc they would make fun of me and be all horrible about how I’m irresponsible and a burden#the way I have to live knowing they are actually jealous of my relationships and life#that thing where they will throw insults/nag me and my brother whenever they please#especially nagging about eating which makes me wanna eat even less#the hypocrisy of that too bc they are the ones eating like shit#the constant feeling of disappointment that they project onto us#the way they can never actually give meaningful encouragement just yell and yell#I’m so tired#the way they will insist there is only one right way of living#and that biological clocks cannot vary#their horrible perception of gender and presentation#the double standard that work actively against me in this case#the way they will never let me just be content with how I look#jesus#there’s so much#I mean… no wonder I feel so done#also the way they will always compare me to ‘better’ people but will never let me point out that most people I know don’t have to live up#to their standards#enough#enough. this is killing me#negative#personal
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...
#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage#everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me#bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check#and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info#and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less#expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school#which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there#like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away#or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town#and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown#but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets#its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn#or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep#i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time#so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b#agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling#like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult#cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive#allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity#unrelated
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my work routinely gives me anxiety attacks
#personal#i drive to work extremely tired bc a helps me be less anxious two well. maybe something happens#i gotta stop doing that#nah but i’m at work rocking back and forth bc my stomach and chest hurt so much and i feel like a cat#how when they’re dying they run because they don’t know the call is coming from inside the house#anxiety is probably the most annoying mental illness#like bitch yeah life sucks let me function!!!!!! i have to be an adult!!!!!!!!!!!#and i get to pretend i’m not driving im not taking myself there#like my body is getting there but i’m not controlling the actions#hell i feel so disconnected from my body it feels like i could go to sleep and wake up having my body driven the rest of the way#it just makes it feel less like i’m taking myself to something that obviously fucks with me#and then it’s so hard to go from my home situation to work like i ripped my parents from each other last night and couldn’t sleep tile 5 am#what do you mean i’m at work at 9 doing customer service
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I haven't needed a cigarette this badly since my little brother was nearly dying every other week for two months straight last year. nothing bad is even personally happening to me! But still! Fuck!
#my friends' palestinian friends have been surrounded by tanks all day.#i can't sleep so i'll compile more fundraisers for a post. if i could i'd smoke while i do it. i'll knit instead.#also something is wrong with my skin again. i think it's just More Eczema instead of Another Abcess but#i am just so tired of my ARMPITS of all things acting up.#not sure if i should risk testing out the less heavy duty of my eczema creams on it. or if it might make it worse.#either way it just has me thinking of all the skin diseases going around in gaza. i am very lucky.#dial p for post#fuck i want to smoke so badly.
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