#sir bruce

[frownyalfred]

Lois finding out Bruce's secret identity and using/abusing his expertise on crime and weird combat shit to ask him questions for background on random pieces she's assigned to.

"Hey hotshot. Quick question. Hypothetically, can you, or can you not, die from a punch to the throat."

"Hello, Lois. Nice to hear from you again."

"No, I don't think you heard me. Throat punching. Is that a thing?"

"A thing?"

"Can someone die if you punch them hard enough in the throat? Google says maybe."

"Looking it up on Google. That's a new low for you, isn't it?"

"The new low for me was thinking you'd take this conversation seriously. I need a yes or no answer, Bruce."

"..."

"I can hear you typing. Are you Googling it now?"

"Give me some parameters."

"I don't know, hard? If you punched them hard enough, could they die?"

"There would be some edema present, subsequent to blunt force trauma. Shortness of breath. Other delayed sequelae."

"So no?"

"Maybe."

"What if I punched them really really hard? Would it be instantaneous then?"

"Lois, I'm getting the impression this isn't much of a hypothetical anymore."

"Completely unrelated follow up question: can you break someone's neck if you punch them hard enough?"

"Lois."

"I just need a yes or no on this one. Promise."

"Lois."

"I'm not asking if you've ever done it, I'm asking if it's possible."

"...What does Google say?"

"To suck my dick, I'm on deadline."

"That new AI is testy."

"Are you going to be like this every time I call you?"

"Like this?"

"Yes or no answer, Bruce. Five seconds. I know you're holding it back. You're dying to tell me."

"I'm dying to tell you something you can Google?"

(five minutes later, Bruce's phone buzzes with a screenshot of a text conversation between Lois and a very confused Clark whose only response was "...I think so??? ask B")

Lois: final chance, yes or no

Bruce: Running to Clark is a choice.

Lois: oh god, you text with periods too?

Bruce: Yes.

Lois: yes throat punching or yes you text with periods?

Lois: Bruce

Lois: BRUCE

[starry-storms]

The next Battinson movie has so much potential, but some of that being him coming to Alfred and saying "I made a friend" only for Alfred to turn around and see Bruce holding up a nine year old.

[bruciemilf]

This mf is so hard to draw,,, I understand why dc hates him

[violent138]

Alfred: "Master Bruce I've arranged a date for the event tonight, with an heiress--"

Bruce, groaning on principle: "Alfred--"

Alfred: "You'll like her, she won't even mind you disappearing."

Bruce: "Another one? Where do you find them?"

Alfred:

Bruce: "Alfred??"

Alfred: "To tell you the truth Master Bruce, several of them are affluent heirs such as yourself, whose parents disapprove of their... inclinations. *clears throat* Like your cousin."

Bruce: "Oh. Oh."

Bruce: "Well that's perfect then. So I'll just leave and they'll assume--"

Alfred: "That you're sneaking off to meet your boyfriend in Metropolis."

Bruce:

Alfred: "It's amazing what trust you can gain when you tell the truth."

[bambeebirdie]

Okay consider Bruce Wayne is the very well known bankroller for the Justice League. Batman is still part of the league, but they don’t know he’s Bruce Wayne. So, due to Bruce Wayne being such a well known figure and very obviously connected to the Justice League, that has kinda made him a target for certain people which means the Justice League has decided to assign one of their members to help keep him safe. Insert notorious billionaire fighter Superman becoming the part time bodyguard of Bruce Wayne in this epic superbat romance

[decibly]

Barry was hungry. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, as he could just grab some snacks from the kitchen, but he was watching a movie, and he was comfy. He really, really didn’t want to try and wriggle back to where he was now

“Phantom?” he called out hopefully.

A white glove emerged from the wall behind him, dropping an unopened bag of chips on top of his head. When Barry reached up to grab it, he saw that it was salt and vinegar, which explained why it was still uneaten. Phantom seemed to refuse those chips under all circumstances.

Barry didn’t really get it, because salt and vinegar was awesome, but that didn’t really matter. The point was, Phantom was a great person, even if he probably wasn’t human, and it didn’t matter if Barry hadn’t ever actually seen more of him than his arm, and he had told Barry his name by leaving a piece of paper on a table when he turned his back for three seconds after asking if there was a name for the ‘friend in the walls���, as Wally had called him.

“Thanks, Phantom!” The hand stuck itself out the wall again, forming a thumbs up.

***** ***** *****

Diana had found a bit of a problem. It wasn’t a big one, and was honestly more of an annoyance than anything, but her paper copy of Earth’s current standing with all known alien civilization was missing. She could get access to it again in a few hours, once the security upgrade to their computers was finished, but she had been intending to review it for a few weeks now and could use the extra time. 

An idea came to her suddenly, and Diana quietly asked, “Phantom? Are you here?” In answer, a chilly breeze blew through her hair. He was, then. “By any chance, would you happen to have seen my copy of th-” Interrupting her, the very papers she was looking for appeared out of nowhere on her desk. A green sticky note was stuck to it, reading ‘This? Sorry for taking it, but it was really interesting’

Diana smiled, hopefully in the ghosts direction. “Yes, that. If you want, I could see if I could get you your own copy?” Another green sticky note appeared on top of the first, this one just oozing the feeling of happiness. ‘YES PLEASE!!!’

***** ***** *****

Bruce… didn’t really know what to do about the teenager floating just outside the Watchtower. He looked like Phantom, from the few times anyone had actually seen the ghost, and he appeared to be enjoying himself in the vacuum outside instead of dying painfully, which was another point of evidence for that theory. Unsure of what else he could do, he knocked on the window on the off chance that he could get Phantom’s attention that way.

The ghost immediately vanished from view, and a strong, freezing cold breze blew in from the direction of the window Phantom had been outside. Bruce shivered violently from the unexpected chill.

Next time he would leave Phantom alone. Being out in space seemed to make him happy, and it was best not ruin that.

[dragonpyre]

Jason Todd: If you don't murder this man right now, then you don't love me

Bruce Wayne: dude...

[cutiecorner]

More kiddie Caped Crusader... this Bruce would not recognize his regression but does it like, often. Usually to teen ages, generally rude and immature toward Alfred. But once he inevitably exhausts himself into baby ages he always goes to Alfred for help.

[puppetmaster13u]

Meme Prompt 10

[frownyalfred]

"Bruce is bad at cooking" broke

"Bruce is great at cooking but he only makes insanely spicy curries he learned while training and nobody else can physically eat more than one or two bites" woke

"Bruce knows how to cook and decides to make fuck-ass smoothies for every meal anyway" bespoke

[peppermintwhisp]

Ok guys. This has been bothering me for a while, but I’ve finally had enough.

Alfred Pennyworth would not stick the title ‘Master’ in front of any rando that wanders into the manor. So please get all the “Master Kents” and “Master Harpers” out of your fics.

Hell, proper butler etiquette dictates that Alfred should not be addressing Bruce as ‘Master Wayne’ nor “Master Bruce”. As the head of the household, Bruce should be addressed as “Sir” or “Mister Wayne”

The title ‘Master’ is reserved for young male children deemed not old enough for the title ‘Mister’ and it is exactly how Alfred would have addressed a young Bruce at the time of his parents’ death. Over the years, Alfred likely kept the same address for Bruce out of affection.

The Robins too would mostly likely get the same treatment - “Master Jason”, “Master Dick”, etc, but please, please NOT any of their friends nor any other acquaintance that happened to wander in the door. They would be addressed under the proper honorific of “Mister”.

Alfred Pennyworth did not study the art of butler etiquette for you guys to shame him like this.

[bougiebutchbitch]

haters fear my ability to look at their toughest most badass hypermasculine blorbos and say 'so, he's trans yah?'

[mamawasatesttube]

you know how bruce is often doing shit like bringing up his dead parents all the time apropros of nothing? like

(action comics #784)

well i think it would be REALLY funny if he pulled that one at kon sometime, because:

(supergirl (1996) #76)

i need this actually. like i NEED this. can you imagine??

bruce: you don't know pain like i do. i watched my parents die-- kon: well hey, at least you HAD parents! bruce: ...hn.

like what would his dramatic brooding ass even say to that. lmaooo

[violent138]

I would find it so funny if Bruce Wayne, who has an ironic and slightly ridiculous disdain for the occult, had to grapple with his kids' deep belief in the occult. For instance, if one of their siblings went missing with no leads, Bruce would insist on a new search strategy while the kids would be convinced they should at least consult a medium once to get proof of life. The medium would call out Batman for his shitty energy and Bruce would contemplate all the life decisions that led to this.

[whipbogard]

Tfw you tried doodling Harvey but the fella be giving off Battinson vibe instead

[renecdote]

crying forever about Bruce’s instinctual answer being yes when asked if he has kids but then second-guessing himself and saying no