#the joke is that Danny doesn’t think he’s a real medium

[snaileer]

I’m a Size Medium, Thanks - 2

Part one: https://www.tumblr.com/snaileer/766471879423885312/im-a-size-medium-thanks

Danny stares into the eyes of what has got to be the grumpiest looking 12-14?10? How tall are children?- year old he’s ever met. And he grew up with Sam!

Danny looks back through the door, hoping to everything that an adult walks through. He is disappointed.

“Well?” The boy snaps, foot tapping.

“Uh, can I help.. you?” Danny says, voice ticking up. That’s what you’re supposed to say at a job right? Or maybe the kid wasn’t supposed to be here, “Do you need to call someone…?” He hopes not, he doesn’t know how or if the shop has a phone, and his… well his is wired through a realm of the dead so enough said there.

“My name is Damian Wayne.” He says primly. And expectantly.

Danny looks outside again, past the neon sign he specifically hadn’t turned on, then back at the Damian kid, blinking. There’s no way this was that ‘Mr.Wayne.’

The kid rolls his eyes impressively well then drops his glare back onto Danny, “Has this absurd incense burned away whatever meager sense you were born with? I am here to have a so-called ‘reading’ with a medium.”

If Danny hadn’t seen this Damian kid walk in with three whisps of shades wrapped around his arms, Danny would have questioned why, but he did, so he doesn’t.

He does, however, say: “Aren’t you a little young… to be like.. talking about death or something?” Though honestly, the incense is a real concern, Danny hadn’t even lit any today, Claire had just left it burning and the whole room was saturated.

“Will you fulfill your job description or not, you peasant?” The kid grits out.

Danny would really rather not. Like really rather not. But nOoo, here he was, waiting for a portal that could show up at any time, pretending he was a medium for a 7 year old just because he could talk to ghosts.

Danny sighs and drags himself around the counter to go into Claire’s weird little seance room. Maybe the fumes will kill him before the embarrassment does.

The kid follows.

Danny drops himself into Claire’s chair with weirdly plush armrests for still being so uncomfortable.

“Alright then, let’s get this over with. I’m Danny, the -ugh- medium. Whatdya wanna know?” Danny says as he kicks his leg out to hit a shade getting agitated and grabby by Damian’s feet. They got way too much of a spiritual boost from this room for Danny to be comfortable with it.

Damian watches him with a raised eyebrow, still not sitting down, “Aren’t you meant to lead the seance?”

Danny’s lip curls in distaste, he huffs a sigh and lets his shoulders drop, opening his mouth to tell this 9-year old something easy about one of his shades and be done-

He spots a sticky note stuck on the crystal ball.

-Danny, don’t forget, the showmanship is important! I trust you know how to meet expectations! Happy first day!

- Claire <3

Danny feels his face go deadpan. He was going to have this woman committed. That’s what he was going to do. She could be studied for the degenerative cognitive effects of being freaking bazonkers.

Danny plucks the note off the crystal ball and crumples it, letting the trash drop to the abyss that is Claire’s plush carpet.

He sighs, looking back up at Damian. The kid snaps his head towards him from where he’d been poking around the curtained walls- weirdo- but Danny beats him to the snappy comment.

“You got any spiritually charged items? Or like… something?” Danny says, taking a guess, he can make the thingy glow, say some nonsense, get paid, and close.

Damian narrows his eyes at him, but slowly moves to sit in the other chair, perched on the edge of the seat. He pulls something from his pocket and sets it on the table.

Pearls.

It’s a clump of shiny white pearls.

Absolutely dripping in ectoplasmic blood stains. So lovely.

Does Claire have biohazard gloves because oh gosh-

Danny hesitantly reaches for the pearls, lifting the strand between two fingers as he looks between it and the 12 year old. “You sure this is what you want to ask about?”

The kid’s glare turns challenging, mocking, “What? Admitting you are nothing but a charlatan?”

Danny grimaces, “Not quite. I mean…” He looks at the pearls again, then at the shade trying to hack away at the kids neck, “There’s definitely someone or something attached to this it’s just… not .. yours.”

“Tt,” the boy clicks his tongue at him, “and how exactly would you know that, charlatan?” Damian levels a mocking look up and down at him.

Danny’s eye twitches as he grimaces a smile, “Part of the job-“ brat. Danny doesn’t say that. Danny can’t say that. Danny has to deal with death obsessed TODDLERS who want to talk about some rando’s gruesome murder just so he can eat tonight. Or find somewhere to sleep. He doubts this will be enough for both.

Maybe if he’s dramatic enough.

Alright get to it then, Danny.

He sighs, dimming the light with Claire’s little remote- he is not so far gone as to turn them green like she had- and actually focusing his energy on the pearl necklace.

“What are you-“

Danny holds up a finger at Damian to silence him, which surprisingly works. He closes his eyes and starts trying to absorb the vibes of ectoplasmic remains as slowly as he can.

Feelings of course come with it and- well what’d ya know, he can definitely feel this attached to a ghost somewhere in this city.

“It’s a woman’s… younger than she should have been when she…”

He can hear Damian scoff, “Obviously, anyone could tell me that.”

Danny rolls his eyes under his eyelids, debating the merits of opening one to glare at him when his eyes are definitely glowing.

“She’s still here but-“ Danny says instead, trying to pull on the connection wandering out into the streets, “She can’t come here here.”

“What do you mean?” The boy snaps.

Danny tries to focus harder on it himself, he’s never done this before, tried to find or communicate with a ghost from an object… it was like Pointdexter and his mirror.

“She’s stuck somewhere… somewhere more important.. it’s dark and narrow and Danny mentally rears back as images flash into his mind. Accompanied of course by a woman’s scream.

An alley. A gun. A man stepping in front of her to protect her- no not her- a kid- Damian- not Damian- looks like-

Danny opens his eyes and drops the necklace. There’s barely any ectoplasm left on it.

Fine with him, he never wants to touch it again. But yuck that means he absorbed it!! Oh ewwww-

“Well?” An impatient voice asks and- oh yeah that’s right, the rude ass kid.

Danny pushes the pearls across the table with a finger and looks up at him, “Woman in an alley, that familiar to you?”

Damian’s eyes narrow, “Anyone who knows who I am could tell me the same.”

Danny snaps, “I don’t-!“ This is a child Danny, a child, he takes a deep breath, “Well she was scared for the kid, and now is… proud of him? There’s a lot of concern there, but she still watches him I guess, so that’s all I got for ya.”

Damian scrutinizes him for a minute, silent. Darn, weren’t mediums supposed to be vague as heck so that anything could apply and the person would find their own meaning? But did it count if he was just translating the vibes off a shade half a city away?

“This is…. acceptable.”

Danny nearly sags in relief and moves to stand, “Cool, then-“

“Wait.” The kid holds up a hand, “You said something regarding a disparity in the proposed ownership of the apparition you believed to be related to this jewelry.”

Danny blinks at him dumbly.

Damian scoffs again, “That the apparition attached to this necklace was ‘not mine,’ as you said??” He snarks, putting air quotes up.

Danny slowly sinks back down into the chair. “… Well yeah I mean..” does he tell this 8 year old about the slightly murderous shades he’s got around him? “You have… you have a couple… apparations… yourself. Not related to the pearls that is.” Danny says hesitantly, eyes skipping over said shades.

Damian jerks his head to follow his eyes and Danny shirks back, eyes back on the kid.

“Who are they? Tell me now,” Damian demands, standing to loom over the table.

Danny puts his hands up in surrender, “Whoa, I don’t know about that, they don’t really seem too happy with you-“ Another one tries to slice his hand through Damian’s neck, “I think you did something to them or made them angry at some point. I don’t really think you should try to contact them-“ Danny winces, that could end very badly. Thank goodness for limited ectoplasm access.

Meanwhile, his answer seems to have only made Damian more upset, his eyes wide as he stares down at Danny.

Suddenly the kid turns and stamps towards the door, leaving Danny to hurriedly push the chair out and chase after him to the main room.

Except-

When he gets there Damian is already shooting hushed insults at a man standing amongst the crystals.

The man looks vaguely like Damian, black hair, blue eyes, lithe build, and oh also- surrounded by shades of course.

These ones seem less vicious at least.

Please don’t be here for him. Please don’t be here for him.

Danny really doesn’t want to try and fake his way through another hour or however long it’s been of that.

“Hey there! I’m Dick, Damian’s brother!” The man says suddenly, pushing Damian aside and coming forward with a cheery grin, “Thanks for humoring him!”

Danny tilts his head to see Damian’s scowling face behind the man. Right.

“Uh huh… I’m Danny.” He says, trying not to be distracted by what he’s pretty sure is a baby elephant’s ghost behind him.

“You’re the medium right? We were just so interested to see if that old family heirloom would have anything or not. We-“

“We?” Damian cuts him off with a scoff, “I will meet you in the vehicle Richard. I will not spend another minute in this house of charlatans.”

They both watch as the kid turns and stomps out the door, uncrossing his arms only to open the door and stomp out. The stupid bell rings merrily.

This time it’s not Danny who sighs.

“I wish he wouldn’t say things like that,” Dick says wearily, “I grew up in places like this.” There’s a note of nostalgia to his voice. Danny just eyes the bowl of ‘fertility’ crystals warily, what kind of place??

Dick must see him do it because he huffs a laugh, “I grew up in a circus originally,” he explains, “So psychic places always just kinda remind me of my auntie’s tents.”

Danny glances at the elephant shaped ghost again, “Wow that makes so much sense actually.”

The guy raises a confused eyebrow at him.

Danny coughs awkwardly, waving it away, “So, money?” He claps, “I’m guessing you’re paying since Damian is…” Danny trails off, opting not to make a final guess on age and embarrass himself.

Dick laughs again and they go over to the counter, “Yep, here-“ He pulls out his wallet, rifling through cash before pulling some out, “Cash only yeah? This should be enough.”

Danny stares at the stack of slightly rumpled bills, “But- huh?…” that was… that was so much…

“Oh I added extra since I’m sure he probably said some things he shouldn’t have, don’t worry about it.”

Dick is already halfway out the door when Danny reloads and jerks upwards, “Wai-“

Could Danny really stop him? Should he? He needed this money but… he stops to count it. $20..40..60..80..100..120….140……160….180……….$200.

Danny blanches. He lurches for the door, no way he can take this much money just for basically acting as a glorified ecto-translator.

Danny stops in his tracks as he steps outside the shop and spots Dick and Damian speaking to a third, much older person, over the hood of a sleek black car.

This person, of course, also has several, several, shades around them.

What the hell was wrong with this family?

Damian turns and glares his way.

Oh ancients what if they were part of the mob or something.

Danny spins around on his heel-

And smacks straight into the glass door of the shop.

…

Ow.

Danny rubs his nose as he fumbles around for the door handle, acutely aware the death covered family was probably staring at him.

He grabs the handle and pulls-

Danny freezes, hand on his sore face stopping. He opens his eyes as he yanks again. Nothing.

Oh heck, he just locked himself out didn’t he?

No please no, they were so definitely still staring, no way they weren’t. Danny pulls again and it finally-

He looks at the door handle in his hand.

Then at the door still closed in front of him.

Then back at the door handle.

Just the door handle.

Crap.

Danny nearly weeps, clumsily fitting the door handle back on and still adamantly refusing to look and see if Damian and his absurdly rich family has left yet. Other people on the street are also starting to stare. The same reason he can’t just use his powers.

He finally gets the handle back on and gingerly lets go of it.

Ok. Deep breath.

Claire warned you about this. With a sticky note, but all the same. Extra key is taped on the bottom of the fire hydrant right outside the shop. You’ve got this.

Danny turns, kneels, and frantically begins trying to find the key on the absurdly dirty fire hydrant.

His hands come away black with grime, but thankfully he has the key.

He puts it in the lock and turns it, hearing what may very well be the newest sound of his nightmares: a snap.

Most specifically the sound of the key snapping in Danny’s very hands.

Danny stares at the half of the key still held between his fingers.

Did he do something to this city? Was this his fault? Could he not just sit in a closet and wait for the portal to open and go home?

Danny sags against the door, and resigns himself to his fate. Maybe he can go get food… with the money he left on the counter. Great.

Danny peeks his eyes sideways and catches the guy, Dick, finally getting into their car.

Okay, just a tiny bit just a bit. Danny holds the key again, focuses on the lock in the door jam and….. intangible!

He yanks the door open and jumps inside, door closing against the flutters of quickly fading shades on the street.

And more than one scream at them but hey that’s not his problem.

Mostly.

Danny revels in the cool lighting of the shop, glaring at the stupid broken key in his grimy hands. He drops the useless bit of metal on the counter, pockets the cash and wipes his hands on the backside of one of Claire’s million wall curtains.

It leaves a black stain that basically disappears when Danny folds the fabric over it.

Oh well.

Technically the shop was still open.

And technically, Danny didn’t know if the lock did or didn’t work right now.

He moves to find whatever storage closet Claire used to store her absurd number of crystals.

He finds it- finally- and using the keys he left in the store to begin with, he is able to unlock the perfect place to sleep tonight amongst several packages of…. Some kind of incense powder… or something. He doesn’t really care because that plan of hiding in a closet till the portal opens? Yeah, Danny’s putting that into action right the frick now.

He bends down to start to lay out his sweatshirt over the cardboard bed-to-be.

A bell rings in the distance.

Danny is going to destroy that bell on the door, he swears it.

[schraubd]

Should I PlagueWatch It?: Series Finale!

In March 2020, I inaugurated on this blog what I said "may but hopefully won't(?) become an ongoing series": Should I PlagueWatch It? Basically, it took the thing Jill and I do best -- watch TV -- and offered our recommendations for what you should watch to get you through the pandemic.

Over a year later, Should I PlagueWatch It? did, indeed, become a series. In addition to the first entry -- HBO's Avenue 5 -- I also did entries on Gentleman Jack, Marvel's Runaways, Alpha House, Never Have I Ever, Jelle's Marble Runs, Making the Cut, and a "roundup" post that covered Billions, Insecure, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Ultimate Tag, Titan Games, and Holey Moley.

But now, it feels we're finally closing the chapter on the pandemic. Jill and I are vaccinated, my parents came to visit this past weekend, we're seeing friends, the CDC says we can go unmasked. It seems, alas, that all good things must come to an end. And while the pandemic itself is certainly not a good thing, some of us may be feeling a bit bittersweet at the prospect of being expected to interact with other humans rather than sit around and watch Netflix all day.

So to wrap up the series, one more omnibus "quick hits" review of all the shows we PlagueWatched that haven't yet gotten their own entry.

* * * Mild spoilers * * *

Blown Away

Reality TV can be wonderful in its formulaicness. Take a random hobby, find ten people who are pretty good at it, dangle $50,000 in front of them, and bang, you've got a competition show. This one's about glass blowing. I know nothing about glass blowing, but the competitors seem pretty talented to me?

I was impressed at how versatile a medium glass is. I worried when I started the show that the challenges would end up being pretty one note (how many vases can one make?). But the competitors actually made a lot of really cool material!

There's a lot of running and swinging and flailing given that they're handling molten-hot material.  It stressed me out. Also, apparently "glory holes" are an essential part of glass blowing, and nobody made a joke about it.

This show is definitely more in the "everyone likes and supports one another" mold of reality TV compared to the "constant cat fights and 'I'm not here to make friends'" mold. No judgment, just letting you know what to expect.

Sexify

A Netflix series about a young college student with no sexual experience who decides she needs to develop an app to optimize the female orgasm. It's not the most innovative concept, but it works well enough.

Of the core trio, my favorite character is Paulina -- the religious Catholic best-friend who is having (bad) sex with her fiancé and feels guilty about even that sin. She does a lot of great expressive work and has some superb character beats (her popcorn addiction -- just casually munching away while watching porn). 

Speaking of Paulina, at the outset I told Jill she looked like someone and Jill's first guess was "a plainer Emily Blunt" (that's not an insult -- who isn't plainer than Emily Blunt?). It wasn't who I was thinking of, and soon I realized the answer was like six women I've known over the years. So maybe "plainer Emily Blunt" is a more common face than I realized?

The show is in Polish (with subtitles), and I'm very proud that I managed to identify the language as Polish right away (I do not speak a word of Polish).

The musical motif for the show combines one of the catchiest guitar riffs I've ever heard with a sample loop of a woman's sex moans. It fits the show perfectly, but it's a bit awkward to listen to on its own.

Wandavision

You shouldn't need me to tell you about this show. It's good, but my hottest take -- and I stand by it -- is that as an exploration of grief Never Have I Ever does it better and it's not close.

Can we concede that Wanda is the unambiguous villain of the show? With only the barest shift in perspective, Wanda could be the nemesis with an admittedly sympathetic motive. To some extent, I think the show was far too forgiving of her. Motives aside, how different is she from Kilgrave on Jessica Jones?

Poor Emma Caulfield. So much build-up for her character, and it's only a head-fake.

Space Force

I liked it. It's not in the most elite of the elite comedies, and maybe that's the standard when Steve Carrell is the lead, but it was quite funny. That said, I keep on almost forgetting that I watched it, and have no substantive commentary to offer. So take from that what you will.

AOC lookalike alert (the character even gets the nickname AYC -- "Angry Young Congresswoman")!

Mythic Quest

I love that Ubisoft is actually involved in the show (which is set at a game studio producing a popular massively multiplayer online RPG).

Surprisingly, given my love affair with Community, Danny Pudi is one of the least interesting characters on the show.

The actress who plays Poppy isn't the very strongest (though she's improving), but Poppy herself may be my favorite character. Of course, everyone knows I'm a sucker for an Australian accent.

The show has some great characters in side parts who don't get enough attention, like Sue the community manager and Carol the HR director. Also, Aparna Nancherla has a small recurring role in the first season and apparently doesn't come back for season two? I don't get why she keeps getting sidelined like this -- she's funnier than the rest of the cast put together.

Ted Lasso

Good, sweet, endearing, fun. British soccer comedies with heart are a winner for me (Bend It Like Beckham, anyone?).

Ted's estranged wife is played by the same actress who plays Linda in Better Off Ted. This was very strange, though admittedly I'm probably the only person who cared enough about Better Off Ted to notice or care.

Lupin

Dashing gentleman thief who's always a step ahead of his adversaries, except maybe the one nemesis who actually can match him step for step in a constant cat-and-mouse game? Look, it's a cliché for a reason. I'm not going to say Lupin breaks the mold, but it certainly is a well-crafted entry into the mold.

If there is anything innovative, it's how Lupin particularly leverages stereotypes about race and class to maneuver more freely in certain spaces (e.g., he can smuggle himself into prison because the guards can't tell him apart from another inmate -- sad commentary, but useful for Lupin!).

It did do something I hate, which is release "half a season" and just leave the audience hanging at the end. Maybe it was the pandemic's fault, but one could really feel its incompleteness.

Kim's Convenience

Of the Canadian shows I've been watching, I'd say Working Moms (not in this post because it is pre-pandemic) is the stronger of the two. But this is fun as well.

It just got cancelled, unfortunately depriving it of the chance to wrap up its single greatest storyline (that's been ongoing since season one). That's a real, real shame.

Simu Liu as Jung is the latest iteration of the Jason Mendoza trend of "dumb male Asian hottie leads". I guess it's a blow against stereotypes?

Pastor Nina also could be an AOC lookalike. I think the show struggled a bit to draw a bead on her character.

Legomasters

I actually mentioned this show in my post about Jelle's Marble Runs, but it is such a joy to watch. I can't wait for season two, which is dropping very soon. For pure, simple, uncomplicated happiness, Legomasters beats out everything on this list.

via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/3yamzYb

[ziracona]

Could you elaborate on that Gordon fan theory about him being an inside mole? I haven't heard of it before and it sounds intriguing. Plus ever since the small reference to him on the memorial in ILM, I've been wondering what your thoughts were on how he ended up

Oof, okay, buckle up. This will be the abridged version but that’s still gonna be long. (Don’t read if you want to avoid spoilers for the Saw franchise).

So, in Saw, Gordon is a fkn anomaly to most of the fanbase. Becuase he has a wildly solidified character. You watch Gordon & Adam both go through three different character arcs back to back, and trauma bond, and the second to last scene in Saw is this fkn devestating & beautiful one where—let me back up. So. Quick Saw summary. Two people wake up chained by the ankle to pipes in a small nasty abandoned bathroom with a corpse on the floor between them. They’re each left a tape recorder which tells them why they’ve been targeted (Gordon because he doesn’t value life enough which is evidenced by...? — real reason is he’s literally just the unfortunate Doctor who told John he had Cancer, and John Kramer is that petty of a stupid bitch. & Adam is grabbed becuase...Literally he didn’t even bump into John Kramer or something. The guy took him because he’s a starving early 20s kid who is a photographer, and John thinks his occupation & he are pathetic. I’m not joking. Or exaggerating. This is quite literally the given reason for torturing & killing Adam being fine to John). Anyway, Gordon’s wife and like 7 year old daughter have been kidnapped and are being held at gunpoint. Gordon is told that if he finds a way to murder Adam by six (poor Fkn Adam is 6 feet away & hears this whole tape) on the clock, they and he go free. Adam is told if he can stay alive until after six, he wins and can go free.

They spend then the remaineder of Saw trying, like you’d hope good, decent, or even medium or somewhat shitty people would, to help each other escape, rather than Gordon trying to kill Adam at all. They attempt to fake Adam’s death & fail bc they didn’t realize their shackles were wired & they could be zapped, which makes playing dead really hard. Initially they are frustrated by each other, especially Gordon, who is an adult & levelheaded, by Adam who is young and jouvenile and freaking out & being a pain at first, but they bond through attempting to escape & to figure out what’s happened to them, and also learn more truth about each other. Meanwhile you also get backstory on Jigsaw & the case, and follow Detective Tapp’s story through a few investigated murders, the loss of his partner, and to where he is following Gordon, whom he is convinced is Jigsaw, now. Back in the bathroom, Adam and Gordon reach 6 on the clock, and Gordon gets a phone call where the man holding his wife at gunpoint makes her tell him he failed his game & now she and their daughter have to die. His wife bites the man’s hand, and they fight, but all Gordon hears is screaming in his wife and child’s voices and gunshots, and he has a mental breakdown believing they’re being murdered on the other end of the phone. Then is electrocuted. Adam flips out and tries to throw small stones at Gordon’s body to wake him up, terrified he’s dead, and succeeds. Adam is overcome with relief, but Gordon has a full mental breakdown, almost having died and believing his family is dead, then swapping immediately to denial and convincing himself it’s not too late and he can still save them. Adam tries desperately to apologize and calm him down, then to in horror talk him into stopping while he watched Gordon begin to saw off his foot (Adam was given a saw for this purpose too, but his broke early on before they realized the saws were meant for their feet instead of the chains). Gordon does not stop, and Adam watches in horror as he cuts off his foot, crawls to the gun the dead body on the floor has been holding, and puts the one bullet he was given into it. He tells Adam while crying and breaking down that he’s sorry but he has to die he has to save his family. Adam begs him not to shoot, but he does.

Meanwhile, Bc he’s staking out Gordon’s home, Tapp hears shots, runs in, and is able to chase off the killer and save Gordon’s wife and daughter. He pursues the killer to the meat packing plan, where he is ambushed, struggles, and then is shot in the stomach and left for dead. The man, Zepp, makes it to the bathroom where Gordon tries to shoot him with the bow empty gun & screams at him for what he did to his family, who he still believes are dead, then breaks down crying again. Zepp takes out a gun and tells him he failed to kill Adam by 6, so he has to die. Gordon asks hopeless why, and he tells him those are the rules, then goes to shoot him while Gordon tries to shut his eyes and brace for death. Adam, who is not dead, grabs Zepp’s feet and drags him down in a surprise attack, rips the toilet bowl lid off the toilet, and beats him to death with it, saving Gordon, who watches in shock and then crawls over and puts a hand on his shoulder and gets him to stop beating the dead corpse. Adam is wounded & criying because gunshot wounds fkn hurt, & Gordon tries to comfort him. Tells him it’s just a flesh wound—it’s his shoulder—he’ll be okay. Just keep pressure on it. He has to go get help. Adam begs him not to leave him alone in the bathroom, but Gordon says he has to or he’s going to bleed to death (which is incredibly visually apparent). Adam tries to keep him, then watches him crawl and pleads for him to wait and asks if they’re going to be okay? Gordon tells him “I wouldn’t lie to you.” and gives him a reassuring smile while half dead and crawls out to look for help. Adam is left alone and searches Zepp’s corpse for keys to his shackle, then finds a tape exactly like his & Gordon’s. He plays it, and realizes to his horror this man Zepp was another victim, not Jigsaw. He was poisoned and told to kidnap Gordon’s family & shoot them both & Gordon if Gordon lost to earn an antidote, or just accept death and refuse to participate. While the tape plays, the corpse in the room with them stands up, and Adam realizes to overwhelming horror it has been alive the whole time, and it is Jigsaw, who wanted a front row seat to their torture, suffering, and death. He tries to grab Zepp’s gun & shooot him, but Jigsaw/John electrocutes him w a remote (the shackles are wired) and leaves, congratulating him on winning & telling him where his key is (it got flushed down a drain when Adam woke up, which John no doubt planned), then telling him “Game Over” and locking him alone in the bathroom because John’s a fake ass piece of shit who doesn’t even keep his promises & let the winners go.

The end scene between Adam and Gordon is phenomenal & heart wrenching (Saw is an amazing character piece of a film, & the first film is the reason it became a modern horror staple! Watch here if you’re curious! :’-]

While Gordon does eventually, under extreme duress, shoot Adam, he never wants to kill him, and they are definitely close by the end of the film (which is clear both from the way they treat each other, and their more decisive actions, like Adam risking his life to save Gordon after being shot by him & never seeking recompense for the gunshot, Gordon trying to help Adam & comfort him as well as get help for them both). This is the central relationship of Saw 1, and it’s really well done.

Then, in Saw 2, there’s just no mention of Gordon going back to save Adam. We wonder what happened, until Amanda & Danny stumble to the bathroom form Saw 1 & you are greeted by Adam’s decaying corpse still chained there. It’s later revealed that Gordon escaped the bathroom, cauterized his wound on a hot pipe because he knew he was going to die otherwise, then passed out from pain. John found him and took him to his workshop, where he nursed him back to health & gave him a prosthetic leg, before convincing him to join the team.

Understandably, this did not sit well with any of the Saw fandom. We fight about all kinds of stuff, but the one thing I’ve like, never seen disagreement on, is that it makes no fkn sense for Gordon to betray Adam like that after how close they were, and it makes even less sense he’d willingly join the man who super tried to murder his wife and kid. If it wasn’t for Tapp and Adam, Gordon, his wife, and his child would be dead now. John endangered all 3 intentionally, and did not save or spare any of them.

Still with me? So. Because of that, people started digging. Now, out of Jigsaw’s apprentices, Gordon is the only one who never takes a very active roll. He did not run games or kidnap people. Becuase he was a doctor, John called him in to do medical work for tests, such as sewing a key into the eye of the man from the cold open to Saw II. The only active work he takes is catching Hoffman at the end of Saw 3D & locking him in the basement, which John asked him to do if Hoffman killed Jill (which Hoffman does). This together with Gordon’s character led to a massive fan theory. Let me try to break it down.

After Saw 1, Gordon joins a support group for Jigsaw game survivors, and returns to his family. We get very little info about him period until Saw 3D though. However! Pre Saw 1, Jigsaw basically never lost, the cops never even got close. Suddenly after Saw 1, the entire gang falls apart, starting with Amanda and John, then finally Hoffman & Jill. In Saw 3, it’s revealed Amanda went back to the bathroom to kill Adam when he survived his test. She promises she’s there to help him when he wakes up scared and half dead in the dark, and then puts a plastic bag over his head and smothers him while he fights. This lead to a fan theory that Gordon went back to save Adam once he could (able to walk & not being shadowed by Jigsaw), but was too late, and decided to take revenge very carefully. However, Amanda has a shit track record of thinking she killed someone & not checking for a pulse (see Eric Matthews, who she thought she beat to death), so the even more popular theory is that Adam was not dead by the time Gordon got to him, and Gordon saved him and replaced his corpse with another. This theory is backed by the fact that Adam was shot in the shoulder, but when the body is seen in other films, it is both too decayed to be recognizable, and the gunshot wound is in the stomach (where Tapp was shot). Furthermore, when Amanda & Danny find Zepp and “Adam”’s bodies in Saw 2, Zepp, who was already partially bald, still has hair, yet Adam’s corpse is completely bald. The shackle is also on the wrong foot now, which would indicate it was removed and then replaced by someone in a hurry. Now, obviously it’s possible this was just a continuity error, but given that Saw usually has a good track record with continuity (and uses them a lot for big reveals), that gives more weight than usual to the theory.

So, this led to the idea that Gordon was able to either save Adam, or at least remove his body & bury it, replaced it with a fake (possibly Tapp? but considering the bodies wouldn’t be decayed enough for the skin to be missed if he did it when Adam was alive or in decent preserve even, and Tapp is considerably taller, I’d assume he, as a doctor, didn’t have too much trouble stealing a John Doe cadaver from the hospital) corpse in Adam’s clothes, then agreed to help Jigsaw becuase he was smart enough to know if he didn’t play along, John would kill him (he would, and has. He never lets people with dangerous information go). John also tends to have failsafes in place, like “if Gordon betrays me, kill his daughter” kind of stuff, so the theory is Gordon played along to keep his family safe, instead of going to the cops, since he knew at least Hoffman worked for Jigsaw already, and there might be more plants, and did his best to engineer the breakdown and eventual demises of the whole team from Saw 1 on. (Was the one who gave Hoffman the idea to threaten Amanda or the info to do it, intentionally failed to protect Jill from Hoffman to have an easy excuse to kill/see both dead, etc). Makes double sense if Adam was alive, becuase if Gordon revealed himself as mole, first thing Jigsaw & co would check is what else he messed with, and they knew he was close to Adam.

There’s a lot more details to it, but that’s the short version. Most people I know in the Saw fandom ascribe to it in a weird kind of “Look I know it’s probably just inconsistent character writing and in that case fuck Gordon he can go to hell, but since I truly don’t believe Saw 1 Lawrence Gordon would do this & there’s enough evidence for reasonable doubt, I choose to believe the convoluted theory that makes him make sense & also means Adam could maybe be alive” way. Including me. If Gordon really decides he has no issue with John after what he did to him, his baby girl, Adam, and his poor wife, joins him willingly & helps, then he’s as bad as Amanda & Hoffman & fuck that guy. But since the characterization doesn’t match /at all/ & there’s never an explanation given, & fan theory makes more sense, I tend to think of Gordon as if the fan theory is right? Although if you don’t & thus hate Gordon, 100% respect. I just cannot watch Saw 1 & believe Lawrence would join up for any reason but revenge & long con to keep family safe. I mean, he tried to kill a /friend/ to save his family. You’re really going to try to convince me the man who cut off his own foot by hand to try to save his wife and daughter would ever be cool with or forgive the man who tried to execute them for no reason? Uhhh, to quote Dr. Gordon himself,

I mean.

💁🏻‍♀️ You can’t convince me the man this hellbent on destroying the man who was threatening his family did not make him pay, and just decided to be pals. You can’t. It’s inconsistent writing. :’-] anyway, there’s other info too—one of the disguised figures who helps Lawrence take out Hoffman is the exact height Adam was, the plastic bag from Amanda is gone & the corpse in a different position, etc—been like 2 years so I don’t even remember it all, but it’s very fascinating. & that’s the short yet somehow still too long version of the Gordon theory I definitely did not proof read at all for which I apologize! It’s more convincing than I write it I swear I am just exhausted. :’-] But yeah, most saw fans ascribe to it, which is why we all seem to still like Gordon, and he’s so often shipped with Adam, both of which would probably otherwise seem massively confusing. Hope it helps!

(Oh! & in ILM, since i ascribe to that theory, I wrote him that way. Failed to save Adam, buried his body, then took slow, careful revenge on Jigsaw & co. to keep his family safe. Knows there are deaths he is not blameless for becuase of that, and is full of guilt over wondering if going to the police wouldn’t have saved people, even if he had understandable doubts & reasons for what he did. Is especially guilty for Adam’s death. Seeks to make reparations slowly his own way. [tho also soemtimes secretive characters lie to me until it becomes necessary for me to know, so it’s possible Gordon saved Adam & is hiding it, but given the whole gang is dead, I don’t know why he still would be, so I think ILM verse all he could do was bury the body]).

[aftermathdb]

DEATH BATTLE Review: Danny Phantom vs. Jake Long

The 2000s go at it. Now all that’s left is for a certain fire tyrant to fight a certain sky tyrant, and the circle will be complete.

I have no idea why people thought that Dante Basco would voice Jake in the episode. He’s legally not allowed to. For some reason, people think that DEATH BATTLE is some big-shot production, when they’re clearly not.

Also, Butch Hartman endorsed this fight. So… that’s a thing.

Danny Phantom′s Preview.

So, we open up on Boomstick rapping the Danny Phantom theme song, which sets the tone for the rest of the episode. Going over Danny’s typical teenager depicted in the early 2000s life… And his parents’ weird occupation.

Before Boomstick stops rapping Danny’s theme song, he does go over how Danny got his powers, and became a superhero.

And we get an early Wiz and Boomstick segment.

There’s a bit of a pause as Boomstick refuses to laugh at Wiz’s joke.

This goes on for a bit, because they go over how strong the Ghostly Wail is.

But then they go over how powerful Danny’s ecto beams are, and how they are comparable to actual lasers as they do all the typical laser stuff like bouncing off reflective surfaces, straight line movement, burn, and magnification. So Danny’s attacks are light speed, and he’s dodging them too.

And we even get a calc for how strong it is.

So Danny’s attack comes out to over 550 Tons of TNT.

The hosts go over his feats,

like how much he’s fought over his career.

Like this Dragon Girl Dorothea.

Who has an attack output 7.5 Kilotons of TNT from dispersing clouds.

And he’s even beaten his alternate evil future self… Dan Phantom… Yeah, Boomstick points out how ridiculous it is too.

And right before Danny’s end quote… Even Wiz gets in on rapping Danny’s theme song.

Jake Long′s Preview.

a

Jake’s preview, similar to Danny’s, opens with a brief history of how Jake got his powers, and a brief moment of him singing the Jake Long theme song.

And fairly early on, we get another animated segment.

This goes on for a bit where we get a gag of Boomstick claiming to have what amounts to ninja insurance.

Regardless, the hosts then go on to Jake’s powers, as they go over the fact that they are magic in nature.

This goes on for a bit as Jake has been noted to have been able to strike many different opponents that ordinary people would have trouble fighting against if they could at all.

Like, ghosts, for example.

And we also go over just how powerful Jake’s fire breath is.

Yeah… minor complaint is that there’s not a whole lot to go off of in terms of Jake’s stats. They mainly focus on his story and how he struggled with his life as both a magical protector and as a teenager.

But still, we get a similar thing from Sam Jack vs. Afro Sam in regards to Jake’s end line.

(Why does Jake get to have his catchphrase as his end quote but Danny doesn’t?)

The Battle Itself.

Luis and Zack are mainly on animation, Danny will be voiced by Nicholas Andrew Louie and Jake will be voiced by Dom Dinh. American Phantom by Brandon Yates. And audio led by Chris Kokkinos.

So, we open up on a museum at night, where Danny is putting something back, and Jake accuses him of stealing something “else” and instigates the fight.

So, Danny responds in kind.

Regardless of how this fight started, it had to have “Dragon Up!” and “Goin’ Ghost!” in it. So, I really appreciate that.

Anyways, we get some minor back and forth, with Danny being able to dodge Jake’s fire with ease, and Jake not really being able to handle Danny’s flight speed that well early on.

In fact, it takes a while for Jake to land a hit, so Danny goes intangible to avoid more blows.

This obviously doesn’t work, and Jake gets to do his combo.

This goes on for a while until the fight gets taken outside.

Opposing element beam struggle?- Oh YES!

Now, this goes on for a bit until Danny’s wins out, and crashes Jake into a Red vs. Blue promotional billboard.

The two do battle with their respective cloning techniques, as we get into an area where, well…

Finishing blow in

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

For those of you wondering, Danny possessed Jake, slammed him into some buildings, then vaporized him.

Verdict + Explanation.

So, right off the bat, Jake was definitely in the advantage with training, and they both have comparable reaction speeds, but Danny had the advantage everywhere else.

For starters, while Jake’s wide array of powers gave him some edges, Danny had counters for everything. Cloning was a moot point, and his power level was well above that of the ghosts that Jake fought.

In addition, Jake’s fire blast wasn’t anywhere close to the level of power to the power of Dorothea’s fire breath, which Danny took head-on. So Jake didn’t have any real strength to get past Danny’s defenses.

Danny was basically Hiei in this fight. He had plenty of counters to whatever Jake could throw at him. Fire breath?- Ecto Blasts can match it and then some. Flight?- Danny’s faster. Heightened senses?- Doesn’t do much against invisibility.

And Jake had no real counter to Danny’s possession. So Danny could pretty much just force Jake to take himself out.

Overall impression.

Tad disappointed that this wasn’t hand-drawn. I was really looking forward to a hand-drawn fight between these two, since it’s their most well-known medium. Also, there wasn’t a whole lot of references to either characters’ series withing the fight. Though, to be honest, I wouldn’t have minded a cameo by Dante Basco in the form of a security guard wondering what was going on… I think it would have been funny.

(Seriously though, Dante is legally not allowed to voice Danny in non-official material. I saw comments wondering about that, and like… come on guys. It’s not that hard to figure out).

Overall, the fight felt pretty well-paced, the music is awesome, and the result is well-explained.

Could’ve used some more quips though…

8.7/10

Next time…

Oh yay. Now if only one of these combatants had a super toxic fanbase, I would totally go in and make fun of them in my story if I weren’t taking a break from that.

And also: Cue comments claiming that She-Ra is gonna win because of the recent finale of her Netflix series. Because toxicity is totally how you earn respect for your character. Right Batcult?- You definitely earned respect for your guy by claiming that Panther only won because of Black History Month all those years back, huh?

Is there a fight that you want me to review? - Send an ask/request, and I’ll look into it!

Do you want to read my fanfic based around DEATH BATTLE itself? click here!

Thank you for reading, and I hope to see you next time for…

Mighty Lady Rumble.

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Tiffany Green and the Monster at the End of the Hall

Genre: supernatural thriller/monster story, wlw

Rating: M for monster-related violence

Words: 12.8k

Summary: Tiffany Green has watched too many scooby doo episodes and now she’s trying find the local monster at the motel her mother works.

Too bad there’s a rival monster hunter in the area.

Patreon ⭐ Ko-Fi ⭐ WordPress ⭐ Twitter

warning: for serious injury, blood, and fatalities

--

Tiffany Green sat crossed-legged with a transistor radio in her lap and the bud of one headphone in her ear, she stuck her tongue out a little bit and squinted into the dark.

The space was cramped, four walls on all sides brushing against her, barely fitting all of her knees and elbows- which her aunt joked was 70% of her to begin with. The carpet underneath was thick as sin and smelled of must and the death of the 1980s, a mini-ironing board was pushed to the side on her right.

She wore a large brown bomber jacket that’s sleeves pooled around her wrists and made her neck sweat. Her lank blonde hair fell down past her shoulders, which she tucked it into her jacket to keep it back, though her fringe bangs in turn fell into her eyes more than a couple times anyway.

She had long limbs, knobby elbows, and an almost sickly pallor that her father called ‘the antithesis of California darling.’ Her eyes were a flat grey that sometimes shifted into being a proper blue.

She wore stark white shorts and a peach tank-top with spaghetti straps that teacher’s traditionally didn’t appreciate. She had notably ‘attentive’ large ears with three different earrings in each, a sun, a moon, and several stars attached by thin silver chains. She hummed as she worked.

“And she’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor.” She sang softly to herself and hunched over the buttons of the old radio. The speakers droned from one station to the next.

“--It’s going to be another scorcher-”

“-you’ll have to bury your head in the sand to ignore this ne--”

‘--I wanted you so bad, before I you came into my life I-”

“--a dan--”

“--up--”

“--as--” Tiffany shook the radio in midair and crunched herself up in a ball around it, “just one good signal,” she pinched her lips together, “come to mama.” She kept turning the knob until the radio went completely silent, channel 98.3, a sudden, inexplicable hush erupted from the other end. She paused, heart tumbling down her throat and eyes going wide. She ripped her earbud out and stuffed into her pocket, she leaned forward.

Her knuckles bleached as she held the radio harder and stuck her face up to the dials. “Hello…?”

Static warbled through the signal, a sudden buzz that sizzled through the air and made the hairs on her arm stand on end, her mouth fell open. “Tell me what you want.” She whispered.

The static increased, like it was singing. Tiffany shook her radio, “Tell me why you’re doing this.”

The static crooned into a soft hum, she held her breath, waiting for something. The silence stretched.

“Oh. No.” A voice huffed, “Tiffany!”

Tiffany jumped violently as another voice called out.

“Tiffany,” banging came from the other side of the door, “young lady!”

Tiffany flattened against the wall as light came flooding in from the entrance, she hissed at the intrusion, “noooo!” She cried with a sharp soprano.

A scowling face loomed over her, blocking the door, her mom put her hands on her hips and frowned deeply. “You better not be doing what I think you’re doing.”

Her mom was a medium-sized woman with wide hips and curly brown hair that was tied back by a thick white handkerchief. She wore practical shoes, practical jeans, a blue t-shirt reading ‘Anne’s’ on the front, and a single simple necklace with a ruby in the center.

Her face was wide and expressive, she had matching ears to Tiffany’s- though they were slightly less adorned.

Tiffany glowered up at her and held the radio up to her ear, she closed her eyes and waited for the static again. “Ugh!” She cried loudly, “mom, do you realize you just interrupted the find of the century?” Her mom groaned and held her head, “out, out, we need this room cleaned an hour ago.” Tiffany tucked her loose bangs behind her ear and sat up straight, “why? Nobodies here.” Her mom wagged a finger in the air, “if you’d like me out of a job and no dinner on the table then this room is cleaned by 12pm.” She gave her a sharp glance, “no hiding in the hotel closets and listening to music.” Her mom ushered to her feet and Tiffany huffed.

“I wasn’t listening to music, I was-” “Looking for aliens,” her mom sighed deeply. “Tiffany. Please, honey. I love you. But you have to come out.” Tiffany could have broken into a guffawing-laugh at that, but instead settled for a deep groan .

“It’s a monster mom. M. O. N. S- I mean, you get the point. Not an alien.”

“It’s not going to have to deal with an angry mom if it doesn’t get a move on.” Tiffany promptly scuffled out the closet, eyes down, “the owners will thank me when we aren’t considered the most haunted motel on route 78.”

Her mom tutted again, “we aren’t haunted.” She paused as she reached for the sheets to clean and launder, “we’re just… unlucky.” Tiffany sighed deeply, “I’m going to go try to commune in another room.” “No closets.” She called after her, “and no bothering Mr. Thomas.” “I hear you,” she waved her hand in the air as she stalked off. “I can’t believe that girl is almost 20.” She could hear her mom muttering as she started busily folding and scrubbing and getting down to business.

Anne’s Roadside Motel was a two-story building with around 120 rooms in 30,000 square feet, the place had two owners- neither of which were Anne. It had mattresses people checked for bedbugs and small televisions from the early 00s in place.

The motel had a staff of around 25 people, all of which Mr. Thomas liked to keep a personal relationship with, Rowing was not a big town. It’s main source of income was the highway and the highway was trying it’s best ‘not to become a low-way’ as Mrs. Rodriguez joked.

South Dakota hadn’t bothered to fix roads up in this part of nowhere in a while, it wasn’t close enough to the oil fields and was just south enough of ‘who gives a fuck.’

Tiffany hadn’t been back to this town in 2 years, instead living with her dad in Northern Cali in order to graduate from a ‘good high school.’ Tiffany took the 10 hour car-trip after throwing her cap and had been sitting in closets with a radio since.

Anne’s Roadside Motel didn’t have an Anne in it, but it had a brother and sister that installed a pool 2 years ago and discretely set up rat-traps to really spruce up the place. That was until the rumors started going around, the ones in the newspapers and murmured on the TV screen. Anne’s was having a string of ‘bad luck.’

It looked normal enough, with green flooring and yellow wallpaper, a muted yellow, the type of yellow that bridged on giving you a headache but didn’t quite get there. It smelled like chlorine and wheat, but there were worse smells out there.

The lights were low-hanging and mirrors were from the 90s, the tables were all wooden and the pictures were of random rolling purple mountains that was somewhere definitely not South Dakota.

Breakfast was at 7 every morning and Tiffany got there usually at 7:30 to snag the ‘better bagels’ and some burnt coffee. The other staff liked her, but maybe that’s just what she told herself.

And maybe it’s because she was the only one allowed to talk them about the incidents. Anne’s Roadside Motel was two-stories and 120 rooms.

Tiffany Green planned to visit every single one, and maybe prevent anyone else from dying here.

---------------------

Tiffany was sitting in a swivel chair, making lazy little circles in place and balancing a pencil between her fingertips. She tapped her white sneakers in the air as she splaid out sideways. A woman in a busy red suit jacket and slightly too-tight matching skirt sat next to her in a smaller swivel chair. They lounged just out of sight behind a long linoleum desk with a little bell on it. Tiffany kept her eyes trained on her, trying to catch her eye.

“So,” Tiffany finally said and jerked her head toward the plump middle-aged woman beside her, “last Saturday.” Mrs. Candice Marx gave her a bemused look, “you want more?” Tiffany turned completed toward her, “as much as you remember.” Mrs. Marx, no relation to Karl, looked left and then right before leaning toward her, maybelline bright lipstick puckering, “you know Mr. Thomas isn’t too keen on us gabbing about it.” Tiffany sprouted a slow smile. “I won’t tell ‘em if you don’t.” She sat up straight and a jabbed a pencil in Mrs. Marx’s general direction, “someone has to stop this trouble.” Her blue eyes light up, Mrs. Marx read a lot of detective novels. She bent down, “It’s not all that much to go off of.” Her plush red lips are making a perfect ‘o.’

Tiffany gave her a thumbs up and grabbed her pencil a little more firmly, putting it down to paper. “Whatever you have, whenever you’re ready.”

She cleared her throat, “Well, okay, if you’re interested.”

“I am.” She nodded firmly, trying to edge her on. Mrs. Marx touched her blonde bob, primping it, as if she was being interviewed for local day time TV, “Danny was staying at Elsa’s so I agreed to do the nighter, it was Saturday, last Saturday. Ms. Thomas is having us do the late reception for real you know. She’s a real… well, she’s a real go-getter. Going to improve the stains in the reception hall next she said.” “Uh-huh,” Tiffany focused on scribbling nothing very meticulously.

Mrs. Marx tilted her head to the side, “I was just resting my eyes for a moment-” “When?” Tiffany started really writing.

“Oh, I’d say around 2am? Maybe a little sooner.” She snorted, “We weren’t gettin’ any calls, except from crackpots asking about setting up seances here. You know Mr. Thomas won’t have any of that- he’s not into that type of money Clyde says.”

Tiffany tried to keep her expression blank, “What happened next?” She twisted her mouth, “well, no phone calls. I was sittin’ right here, I don’t know really what it was, some sorta noise-” “What type of noise?” Tiffany sat completely upright. “A buzzing?” Mrs. Marx scrunched her nose up, “no, maybe, it was sorta… crunchy? I was drifted off, all I remember next is just waking up, don’t really know why. One moment I was lying in the chair, and the next I was upright and lookin’ at the lobby.” Tiffany leaned forward, “What did you see?” Mrs. Marx bent down very low, her caked-on mascara almost close enough to brush her, “That’s just the thing.” She breathed, “everything. It was bright, too bright, you know? All the lights turned on.” Tiffany nodded fastidiously, “What did you do?” “Well,” Mrs. Marx flattened her skirt out, “I thought of high-tailin’ it out of there, don’t want to end up like poor Mr. Koviak.” “Yes, absolutely,” Tiffany was jotting quickly: noise, lights, waking up.

“There was this real… feel to it too. Like something cold, or like a headache, right before the pain part.” “K,” Tiffany furrowed her brow: headache?

“The lights were all on, even the ones that are motion activated,” Mrs. Marx’s eyes were wide, “but only in the left hallway.” She pointed, “Right over there.” “What did you do?” Tiffany adrenaline flooded her, “What did you see?” “Well what was there to do? I-” A bell dinged. Tiffany gripped her pencil so hard she’s afraid it might break in two, light footsteps approached.

“Excuse me,” A rich voice called out. “Are there any rooms for tonight?” Mrs. Marx and Tiffany turned toward the lobby in unison, Mrs. Marx immediately burst into a practiced smile. “Of course!” She pushed her rolling chair toward the desk and sat up straight. “What can we do you for?” The customer was a young woman with long brown hair, it had a sleek shine to it but was choppy and uneven in parts, as if someone just hacked at it a couple times. She had high cheekbones, an oval face, and lightly browned skin- native probably, from one of the local tribes.

Her eyes were dark half-moons and her lips were turned down in a grimace, she seemed a little taller than Tiffany. She was wearing a green shirt that reminded her of the military and was carrying a large duffel bag on her shoulder.

Her teeth were stunningly straight and white when she spoke and Tiffany had to lean back from the glare of them. Tiffany hunched her shoulders like a cat sprayed by water as the stranger interrupted them.

I was so close, Tiffany clenched her teeth and pedaled up to the desk next to Mrs. Marx. She was chattering away.

“So there’s bedrooms in the west wing, but not the east right now, but the sunrise in the west windows is just to die for. You can see right all the way to Black Elk Peak, have you been there darling?” “Can’t say I have ma’am.” Her voice was still low and steady, Tiffany eyed her big bag. Something was different about this. “Well it’s just lovely. Especially from the west wing windows!”

“What brings you around here?” Tiffany interrupted, she could feel her mom cringing at her from rooms away.

The young woman raised her eyebrows and refocused on Tiffany, “Just passing through.” Mrs. Marx nodded, “Most folks are.” She agreed, “A real travelers town.” She gave a small laugh, “My own Ricky, that’s my husband, was only passing through when I met him! Said he’d never stay, but look at him now- a curmudgeon with a house in the hills.” Tiffany snorted at that, but the woman just arched her eyebrow up, “sounds nice.” “Oh it is,” Mrs. Marx could go on, but I thought I’d spare the traveler a little.

“Well alright,” I crossed my arms over my chest, “As long as you’re not here for any ghost-snooping, Mr. Thomas is telling Spook Hunters to stay out.”

Mrs. Marx gave a nervous laugh, “I mean, it’s not all that.” “Oh,” the woman just cocked her head to the side, “Ghosts?” “No ghosts,” Mrs. Marx said quickly, “Bad local legends is all.” The woman leaned across the counter, “Should I be worried? I’m sure I could keep go-” “No, no,” Mrs. Marx shot Tiffany a sharp look. “Nothing of the sort, Tiffany here listens to… a lot of wacky podcasts! How long would you be staying with us?”

The woman relaxed, “Just two nights.” She said evenly, “you have internet, right?” “We have internet.” She nodded briefly and then eyed me, “And as long as no ghosts come out I suppose.” She gave a thin smile and took out her credit card. Tiffany leaned forward, “It’s not actually ghost, it’s probably a m-” “So credit card? What name should I put the room under?” The woman adjusted the bag on her shoulder, “Lona,” she said simply, “Davis.”

Mrs. Marx was already nodding and moving onto when breakfast was and the ‘no stealing our bath towels pretty please’ speech with at least two mom jokes.

Tiffany examined Lona again, her eyes dragging up and down. There was definitely something lumpy in the sack, and her boots were metal-toed, a circular tattoo was around her right wrist. And that probably wasn’t her real name.

Tiffany didn’t notice as the transaction completed.

“Have a wonderful stay at Anne’s!”

Lona gave Tiffany another curious look, “I will.” She turned and left, heading to the west wing.

Tiffany exhaled, putting a hand over her heart, then she whipped around to Mrs. Marx. “That’s a monster hunter!”

Mrs. Marx drew back, “What?” “The shirt, the bag, the boots! That girl is here to hunt the monster.” Mrs. Marx wrinkled her nose, “She seems just like everybody else. There’s all sorts that pass through, why, just last week we had a man who was a professional clown. He was dressed normal, but he told me all about at the counter. A traveling clown! Have you ever heard of-”

“Did you see that protection tattoo? She’s on the trail.” Tiffany was certain, a professional!

“Now Ms. Tiffany,” Mrs. Marx clucked, “you can’t make presumptions about someone. Especially,” she put her hands on her hips, “Customers.” “I know, I know, okay,” she waved her off, and tried to keep her theories on track, “we were talking about last Saturday first,” she kicked away from the desk, “I’m all ears.” Mrs. Marx’s eyes went wide again and she turned back to Tiffany, returning to their previous hunched position, “Well, all the lights were on-” “My fair Candice!” Another voice carried over to them, “And lovely young Tiffany.” Tiffany winced so hard she thought her heart dropped out of her ass, “Goddammit,” She cursed under her breath.

“I just saw a customer walking to room 200! A good sight.” They both turned to Mr. Thomas in unison, Mrs. Marx smiling through.

“Indeed!” She chirped, “and more than one night too.” Mr. Thomas just hummed at that and looked between us, “I hope everyone is keeping their wits sharp.” Mr. Thomas chuckled, he was a small man with a pointed mustache and crinkling boyish blue eyes under round glasses, he wore suits everywhere and shiny black shoes.

He also said very pointedly kind things that always translated to ‘keep working’ and ‘do your job already.’ This was his ‘keep working’ phrases right now.

Mrs. Marx shifted in place, “course we are! Sharp as a church point.” She winked, “Ms. Tiffany was just…” She glanced at my notepad. “Doing some schoolwork!” I nod despite the fact I had graduated highschool two weeks ago. Mr. Thomas smiled over like he was making a Christmas list, “Well if you’d like some hel-” “Actually!” Tiffany stood up, realizing she probably wasn’t going to get any more out of this. “Time for me to go. Let’s talk later.” She gave Mrs. Marx a meaningful look and she just nodded.

“And Tiffany,” Mr. Thomas called after her as she tried to quickly scurry away. “The rooms aren’t playthings.” That was one of his more blatant instructions and Tiffany was struck for a moment by feeling six and chastized by the neighbors for throwing things into their yard. She meet his eyes steadily. “Of course,” Tiffany flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and started walking, “I’m not playing.” She escaped to the second story ice machine room, cramming herself into the nook between vending machine and wall, she started to pour over her notes: noise, lights, wake up, headache?

Her thoughts dragged back to the girl at the counter and she wrote in the margins: monster hunters coming.

-------------------

It was late afternoon, the sun was streaming in through the small box windows at the end of the hall and the AC was on full blast in the simmering heat of summer. Tiffany was holding her pencil up again.

“I know you haven’t talked about it yet Mrs. Ludwig,” She followed the back of bustling old woman in a long grey dress and white bandana tied around her head. “But I’m here to listen.” Mrs. Ludwig didn’t even look over her shoulder as she walked into room 203, it had just lost it’s occupant, a Mr. Virilis. Mr. Virilis moved to greener pastures and left them with only around 5 other customers in the whole motel that night. Two of them were semi-permanent residents at this point, so she wasn’t sure they counted anymore.

Tiffany tried to step in Mrs. Ludwig’s path and catch her eye, “Please, I know it’s a very traumatic experience. I’ve been through that before.” It felt like the five stages of grief as she attempted to bargain. “With all the, uh… blood? Was there blood?”

The Koviak case had been ‘confidential’ and no details, except the occurrence of the death, had been released to the public. He was a traveling European businessman found dead in his bed two months ago, nothing else known. Mrs. Ludwig still didn’t look at her as she got out the cleaning carrier and gloves, she pushed open the propped door with her hip and didn’t look back.

Tiffany steeled herself, she took a bold step forward, “Mr. Koviak’s family has been asking!”

Mrs. Ludwig paused, turned, and fixed her with a potent icy glare, “do you plan on helping me clean?” Tiffany grimaced, her left eyebrow twitching, “Yes! I could. If… we could just have a short chat about the body.” “Run along Tiffany Green.” Mrs. Ludwig closed the door behind her and left Tiffany in the empty hall. As she had all the other times before.

“Fiiine,” Tiffany groaned and did a little spin, dragging her feet down to the other end of the hallway. If she knew Mrs. Ludwig she wouldn’t get another word out of her for at least 24 hours.

Tiffany flipped through her notes again, the fluorescent lights blared overhead, she would have paid them to flicker at this point. Buzz. Do anything.

She walked blankly ahead and fretted quietly to herself. No leads. No knowledge. How did it get around? Was it large? Was it corporeal?

Did it hate motels or just those in southern South Dakota? She just didn’t know.

It wasn’t until she was in the next hall that she heard a whirring of a machine, Tiffany looked up sharply and her eyebrows raised. Someone was actually using the motel gym.

There was a giant glass panel in the middle of the west wing, second floor. It held one elliptical machine, five weights, three sets of bell bars, two exercise benches, three jogging machines, and a water cooler. It had a speckled tile floor and frosted rectangle windows that barely let in the light.

The elliptical machine was whirring round and round as someone took it through its paces. Tiffany slitted her eyes, she recognized the figure: lean and muscled, the girl had a long choppy ponytail and a tattoo around her right wrist.

Her.

Tiffany stood there longer than she rightfully should, watching the girl’s back get damp with sweat and muscles strain with every quick step. Tiffany was tempted to inform her that, according to her notes, this wasn’t the type of monster you can run from. Training wouldn’t matter.

She doubted that would go over well.

Tiffany was leaning toward the elevator, trying to get her body to remember itself and move, it didn’t. The girl paused, her legs slowly pumping to a stop and the machine grinding down, maybe she felt Tiffany eyeing her, she turned. Their eyes met, a little tingle went up Tiffany’s spine, Lona’s dark half-moon eyes search her.

She tilted her head, expression placid as she hopped down to the floor, unreadable, she didn’t break eye contact as she moved. They stare at each other as Lona reached for a towel and wiped down her wet brow. Tiffany bit her bottom lip, maybe she’s the monster.

That seemed unlikely.

Lona took her time walking casually up to the giant window pane, Tiffany stiffened, waiting for something. Lona pursed her lips, cocking her head to the side, still considering Tiffany.

Tiffany shifted in place, her skin crawling and neck prickling, she had a feeling her cheeks had already flushed red.

The girl’s face shifted quickly, mouth falling open, eyes widening, whole body reeling back from the window. Lona pointed wildly over Tiffany’s shoulder, ‘look out!’ She mouthed urgently, breathlessly, pupils dilated. Tiffany jumped, whirling around to look left and right, holding her heart, preparing to run.

Tiffany untensed when nothing is behind her except garish yellow wallpaper and her own thumping heartbeat.

She arranged her face into something stony and unamused, she clenched her hands and turned back to the glass. Lona was grinning.

Tiffany tapped on the glass and leaned forward, “You don’t know what you’re in for.” She mouthed the words slowly, “it’s coming.” Lona frowned at that and then shrugged, “I can’t understand you.” She called, voice muffled by the glass, but still legible.

“Oh.” Lona flipped her long hair back, “do you work here?” Tiffany took a few steps back, “No.” She called, just loud enough.

“Good,” Lona turned back to her elliptical machine, “go home for the night.” Tiffany arched an eyebrow, she took a deep breath, “I don’t think so, I’m going to be the one to find it you know.” Lona glanced over her shoulder again, “Excuse me?” “I know who you are,” Tiffany pronounced loudly, “And this one’s mine.” Lona rolled her eyes, “little dramatic, don’t you think?” She wiped her neck with the towel, “Go take a nap kid, you’re not making sense.” Tiffany growled and then turned on her heels, look out. She mouthed the words and blood boiled from being pranked like a five year old in a haunted house.

What a stupid act, stupid customer who is definitely a monster hunter. Tiffany stomped toward the elevator, thoughts frenzied and whirling. She barely stopped as the lights in the hallway flickered. She froze mid-stride and looked up, the lights flickered again.

She gaped and took out her pencil, wielding it like a spear. She searched the hallway, up and down. “I’m here!” She called breathlessly, “I’m here.” Her eyes stayed glued on the lights, but they remained shining and motionless. Tiffany gulped and squared her shoulders. When she looked around she saw Lona in the hallway too, she doesn’t look half as amused this time. They don’t so much as nod at each other as Tiffany departed.

I’ll find it first.

Tiffany promised herself she wasn’t going home that night.

----------------------------

“But mom,” Tiffany could feel herself whining, “I need to stay the night.” “Not on your life.” Her mom threatened, her curly dark hair tied back and mouth turned into a hard line. “Can’t you be into, I don’t know… boy bands? Hockey? Anything else.” She closed the car doors of the 2007 volkswagen, Tiffany bared her teeth, “do boy bands eat people? No? Unimportant mom! This is important.” Tiffany was suddenly remembering all the reasons she left in the first place.

Her mom grunted and turned the car engine on, “Do you want to get hurt? It’s not a game.” “Hurt?” Her eyes lit up, “So you do believe in the monster!” Tiffany retorted shrilly, “And I’ve been training for this, I’m ready.” Her mom veered out of the parking lot, “The only monster I believe in is my daughter’s ego, and she really needs to place it somewhere else other than bad scary stories.” “You’re making this impossible,” she tried to chastise back and crossed her arms over her chest.

“That’s right, missy, no bothering the motel tonight.” Her mom sniffed loudly and drove them home.

Tiffany pouted and complained the whole way home, she figured this was how all monster hunters were treated, unbelievers were just part of the job. At least, that’s what she told herself as her mom lamented her behaviour later that night on the phone with her dad.

“I just don’t understand, how many horror movies have you been letting her watch?” Her mom paused, as her dad answered. Tiffany hid around the corner and stared at the wall, she had refused to come to dinner that night.

“Yes, Henry,” her mom sounded tired, “But I’m worried your indulgences have let her grow up like one of those undomestic- she’s not a field of wildflowers Henry, she’s a young woman, with a future. Stop it, stop, I don’t want to hear any more of your metaphors. She’s not a clay pot either! Goddamnit, you always do this. All of those self-improvement classes and you can’t listen worth a damn. Don’t start on me.”

They had one of their usual arguments.

Her mother sighed loudly after a few sharp barbs, her voice grew soft and tired, exhausted, “I just don’t know what to do with her.”

She was 19. And apparently no one knew what to do with her.

------------------

Tiffany had a clunky transistor radio in her lap and the itch of a lumpy blanket wound around her shoulders, they had My Little Pony characters on them from years ago. That was neither here nor there for her in many ways.

The clock by her bedside read 10:47 in bright red letters and Tiffany was hunched over and squinting her eyes in the dark. Her mom would notice if she turned on any lights, even at this hour.

She was certain the older woman was still holding her late night wine and indulging in her stacks of romance novels. Everyone was a paradox in their own ways, but Tiffany doesn’t point that out.

She was busy twisting knobs again. The hush of the radio blared through the air.

“We have a great setlist for you-” “Nobody, nobody, noooboooody-” “I can’t be-” “Sh-” “Ja-”

“Bzz-” She kept twisting.

Some part of her began to sink with each turn, what am I doing? She tried to push the thought down, she knew what she was doing. She knew what she saw all those years ago with her dog and she knew what she wanted now.

She had called it her ‘gap year’ between highschool and college but there was no plan to go to UCLA or San Jose University. She just needed to prove herself this once.

Monster hunters didn’t need to pour over biology textbooks that took her three different rereads to even fully absorb.

“Mountain mam-” “Sex, sex, and-” “Kis-” “Oomph,” “Ssssshhhh.” Tiffany’s hand froze and her muscles tensed, she landed on a chanel, one with strange static blaring over the line: 98.3.

She held her breath and brought the radio up to her ear, “Yes?” She whispered at the speakers and she hoped that her mom was almost done with her wine by now.

“Sssshuck.” Her eyes went wide, “Please.” She didn’t want to beg monsters, but she couldn’t lose this. Tiffany clambered to her feet and shook the radio, “Tell me.” “Sssshuch.” The radio buzzed, almost sing-song, and gave off an eery crunching static, Tiffany exhaled, closing her eyes for a moment, absorbing it. The radio buzzed, she jumped to her feet and reached for her extra-thick socks. She threw off her blanket from her shoulders and yanked on a pair of shorts and button-up shirt.

She didn’t hesitate as she quietly shoved the second story bathroom window open. It was a half mile walk to the motel. She turned the radio off, shoved it in her pack along with her notepad, several pencils and a dull kitchen knife she had carried off days ago from the dining room drawers.

Despite the heat she yanked on her brown bomber jacket and lifted herself out the window. Maybe her mom thought it was too high to jump from, maybe she underestimated how determined Tiffany was.

Maybe the woman was curled up around her ‘Favio x Angela’ novel and was far too gone to try and figure out once again what to do with her daughter.

Tiffany climbed down and started walking.

-------------------

The night was a warm sweet milk around her, cradling her and leaking into her insides like a fiery gas leak, her shirt was almost soaked through by the time she saw Anne’s. The moon was a slice of silver cheese in the sky and the South Dakota sky was a river of sparkling white blemishes against inky black night. It smelled like dry grass and dust.

She breathed in the silver and exhaled warmth, it wasn’t like this in North Cali, but maybe that’s why she came. She took out the kitchen knife, it had a plastic covering and she slipped the weapon into the waistband of her shorts.

It dug into her thigh as she walked, but she ignored it. The monster hunter had warned her about tonight, she knew she had to be here.

Exactly four lights were on Anne’s Motel: the lobby with its vibrant pale yellow light and three windows alight with their soft beige curtains drawn. Tiffany went around the back, walking past rows of low rectangle bushes and spotting a narrow metal door with a red sign over the handle: fire exit. It was supposed to be properly locked but she shook the handle back and forth gently until it clicked in place and she pushed her way in.

They were modernizing Anne’s, but it wasn’t quite there yet.

She squeezed her eyes shut, hands on the handle and bracing herself. You can do this, her ears rang, you have to.

She shouldered her way through the back door and stood in a dark hallway, lit only by silver moonlight at the other end of the long space. She held her breath. It was quiet.

The shadows seemed to play before her eyes, shifting in place and forming ghastly shapes in the dark. She sucked in a breath and pressed herself against the wall, letting the door slide closed behind her.

Nothing moved, no lights flickered. She steadied herself, “hunting,” she took deep breaths and held her chest, “Hunting is all about facing fear.” She edged forward, almost spooking herself as the motion sensors picked up on her movements and blinked on. She had rub her eyes a couple times to adjust to the sudden flood of light.

A flicker of movement arose in the corner of her left eye, “ah!” Tiffany jumped back and rolled to her left, careening to the floor on her knees. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears, but when she looked back up nothing was there. Again.

Tiffany took deep breaths and crept her way toward the east wing of the hotel, something had to be there. It was time, the radio had been buzzing.

The lights stay on.

Her pulse ran ramshackle through her veins and Tiffany practically crawled her way across the motel floors. The plastic knife protector dug deeper into her thigh, but she doesn’t feel it. She edged up to the second floor ice machine room, just outside the east wing, and waited- eyes opened, jaw set, world spinning slightly.

“This is it,” she whispered to herself and began to wait.

She crouched, checking, waiting, eyes strained on the fluorescent lights above and frequently sniffing the air for something. She stays perfectly still, biding her time, waiting, until the lights turn off again, and then flicker, once.

Tiffany’s eyes dart back and forth in the dark, she crept out of the ice machine room and looked up and down the long hallways. She opened her mouth to call out, ask something, prompt something.

She heard a hiss instead, “What are you doing here?” Tiffany flinched and spun around, two half-moon eyes glow in the dark behind her, a growl rumbling in the girl’s voice. Tiffany’s lifted her chin and blinked a couple times, “Oh.” “You shouldn’t be here.” Tiffany’s brow folded in, “My mom works here.” It was probably the best defense she had.

Lona’s eyes were hard and shifting around the room quickly, wildly almost, “Get out of here.” “What, are you ordering me?” Tiffany tried not to sound petulant.

Her hand came down like an iron claw on Tiffany’s shoulder, hard enough to bruise, “Yes.” That’s when the lights flared on like the sun itself had been pulsed into them, flaring to life and filling the whole space in a brilliant glow, Lona widened her stance and drew herself up. A noise like a low buzzing gurgle sounded behind them, quiet and licking at her insides like sandpaper over skin.

“Take my hand.” Lona put her hand out and Tiffany eyed it. The lights flickered above them like a sudden rapid eclipse. “Uh,” Tiffany reached for her pack instead.

“That’s another order,” Lona took an aggressive step forward, the lights flickered quickly above them, fritzing and blinking.

Tiffany gulped, “I’m not,” she tried to summon her courage, “I’m staying.” “Take it or I’m carrying you out, civilian,” Lona growled and Tiffany gave in and slipped her fingers in between Lona’s. Lona gripped them, “Don’t look back.”

They started to run.

The sound grew louder, like a clunking car engine purring through the air, metallic and crunching to the ear, static fuzzed just below the surface of the noise. The lights flickered.

Tiffany looked behind her.

“Ah!” Lona skidded to a halt, painfully squeezing Tiffany’s hand as they came to a jarring stop. Tiffany was still looking behind her, the hallway was painfully alight except for a deep dark nothingness just after the bright fluorescent overhead. Just at the end of the hall, it was too dark to see through.

What was it?

“Excuse me,” A voice said shrilly, “Oh my, I thought I heard some commotion.” Tiffany was dragged back to the other issue at hand: they had been stopped by Mr. Thomas, standing in a bathrobe and eyeing the two of them. Specifically, Mr. Thomas was eyeing Tiffany, standing in the middle of the space with his hands on his hips.

“Honestly.”

Lona drew herself up, “Sir, where is the nearest exit?” “Exit?” Mr. Thomas blanched, “is this young Miss Tiffany’s doing? I promise, any tales she might be spinning are hyped up! Please considering not cutting your stay with us short.” He gave a small, placating smile.

Lona groaned, “Sir, you don’t understand…” She reached for him next, this time with her left hand.

The lights flickered. Lona and Tiffany both instinctively took a step backward. Two of the lights went out behind Mr. Thomas.

Tiffany tried to stutter out, “Mr. Thomas,” she took another step back, “Come toward us. Slowly.”

Mr. Thomas made a face at her, “I’m sorry Tiffany, but this bothering of staff and guests has gone on long enough. No tricks are going to change that. I’m afraid I’ll have to ban you from the motel.” The light directly behind Mr. Thomas went out, a thick tangible darkness sat behind him.

Tiffany’s heartbeat pounded painfully in her ears, move, she commanded herself to move. Reach for him, beg for him.

Instead, she stood with her back to the wall, still holding Lona Davis’s hand like a five-year-old at an amusement park. Tiffany swallowed, “Okay,” she said slowly, “but first you need to-” “Shh,” Lona hushed her and pressed them both firmly up against the wall. “It’s too late.” The last light in the hallway went out. The buzzing crescendoed into an insect-like metallic cry, a song like a garbage disposal, and two perfect round lights came on from behind Mr. Thomas.

Like headlights.

“What in God’s name,” Mr. Thomas turned around as the white lights fell on him.

The headlights blinked and Tiffany took in one horrible twisting vision: a creature with two hooved feet, a massive furry body that took up the whole hall, two dark wings hanging limply off it’s back. She squinted at the face but all she saw was headlights.

And then the headlights tilted up, an enormous mouth opened wide: blunt white teeth gaped and a grey thick tongue snaked out of its giant mouth. Mr. Thomas didn’t even get in a scream before the black lips clamped down. Teeth snapping down as Mr. Thomas’s head was rested from his shoulders.

Tiffany got in a scream though, “Aaaah!” She let out a piercing shrill cry as the blunt teeth chomped through flesh and bone.

Her stomach lurched like the titanic sinking as a grotesque crunch followed, the sound of bone and skull being crushed by huge molars, thick red liquid splattered across the carpet. Tiffany couldn’t move.

“Come on,” Lona stayed true to her promise, grabbed Tiffany around the waist and hoisted her onto her shoulder. Tiffany squeezed her eyes shut as she heard another crunch and Lona carried her down the hall and through the emergency exit.

She had met the monster.

----------------------

The next few hours were a smeared blurr, filled by a sickening headache that made her whole body tremble. The first thing Tiffany did was sag forward and vomit up the dinner she hadn’t eaten.

It was clear and tasted like bile. Tiffany puked again at the sight.

“Let it out,” Lona’s voice was no less hard, but she wasn’t hovering over her at least. Her hands were busy holding a small mechanized crossbow trained on the door and twisting something around her wrist.

Tiffany took deep gasping breaths and tried not to puke a third time.

It was real, it was all real.

She had known, but knowing and seeing were two different things.

Tiffany raked at her shirt, as if were too tight, as if there wasn’t enough air in her lungs. “Here.” There was a tap on her shoulder, she turned as Lona handed her a water bottle, “Drink.” Tiffany greedily downed the entire bottle before gasping for breath again.

“Oh my God,” she started to repeat, “Oh my fucking God.” Lona just snorted, “the first one is always the hardest.”

Tiffany’s head was light and there were spots in her vision, she glanced back toward the emergency exit and wiped her palms down on her shorts. “It, it, Mr. Thomas...” She squeezed her eyes shut before taking a rattling breath, it took another minute to open them again.

She wanted to scream again, she wanted to run back in there, she wanted to turn and run the other direction for miles and miles.

“What now?” She finally rasped out instead. Lona raised her eyebrows, “I assume it disappears again after feeding.”

Tiffany’s face fell, “there was a body for Mr. Koviak.” Lona turned toward her slowly, “perhaps it only eats the head.” She took wobbling a step back from the door, “it’s so much more… it’s so much.” Lona patted her shoulder, “Drink more. This will be over soon.” Tiffany drank a second bottle of water, she turned back to Lona, feeling limp and queasy, “What are you going to do?” She leaned in close, clenching her hands down so they wouldn’t tremble, “How can I help?”

She tried to push down the sight of Mr. Thomas’s limp body falling listlessly to the ground in a splatter of red. She tried to push down the crunch and the flickering lights. I can help, I can help, I can help.

She repeated to herself over and over. I can do something.

The other gnawing voice in her head wasn’t as persistent, but just as loud: your fault.

She finished the water before handing it to Lona, “What can I do?” Lona eyed her up and down. “Go home kid,” she sighed, “Actions over for tonight.” Lona turned to leave, Tiffany’s hand jutted out and grabbed onto her sleeve.

“How old are you?” She asked slowly.

Lona made a face, “How old am I?” “And tell me the truth.” Lona snorted, “I’m 21.” Tiffany let her go, “Then I’m not a kid to you.” Tiffany lifted her chin up, “And I can help.”

Lona tilted her head, “Were you not just in there? Did you not just see that man’s head get bit off? This isn’t a game.” Her tone remained even, but there was fire in her eyes.

Tiffany looked down at her shoes, “please,” she didn’t like the waiver to her voice, “It’s my, my f-fa-” “It’s not your fault,” Lona hand waved her. “Unless you’re a monster with hundreds of teeth of course.” Tiffany pinched herself so she wouldn’t cry, she looked up again, “What is it? What is that thing?” Lona scratched her chin and looked away, “Nothing good.” Tiffany sighed, “Please,” she took a step forward, “Let me help. I knew Mr. Thomas, I know everyone at this motel.” Lona arched her eyebrow up, “you know everyone in here?” She pursed her lips, “Do you… do you have any keys?” Tiffany perked up for the first time that night, “I can get some.” “Ugh,” Lona threaded a hand through her choppy hair, “You can’t come on any of the actual hunts. You hear me? None of this again.” Tiffany nodded vigorously, “I need to avenge him, any way I can.” Lona exhaled through her nose, “I better hope you like books then.” Tiffany shrugged weakly, “Where can I sign?” She looked down and gave a mirthless laugh, “I always wanted to hunt monsters.” Lona almost popped a smile, she put a hand on Tiffany’s shoulder, “Don’t. It only gets harder from here.” “I thought you said the first one’s the hardest?” Tiffany examined Lona in the light of the moon, neither of them were moving back inside yet.

“I lied,” she started to walk, “They’re all hard.” Tiffany wasn’t sure she liked teaming up with a stranger, much less one who would boss her around. But the image of Mr. Thomas’s stark white face being engulfed was too much.

Tiffany shuddered, this really wasn’t just a summer project, it never was.

-------------------------

They closed the motel down after that. It made sense, one of the owner’s had just been found headless in the hallways. His sister hadn’t made a comment yet, but it was said she found the body.

Ms. Thomas was a mousy woman in her late fifties, she had iron-grey hair and wore knee-length dresses everywhere and jackets that looked like they were from the 1920s. No one had seen her for days afterward, though Tiffany’s mom made sure to bring her soup every day and leave it at her door.

There were rumors the FBI would be sent in to look for any head-hunting serial killers. But those were just rumors.

There were rumors the Tiffany was there, that the maids were in on it, that the stranger passing through town knew something. Words flew and Tiffany felt a tremor of fear gathering in the small community.

She saw her mom pray at the funeral, get down on her knees and bend her head. There was a slight summer shower coming over the land that day and no one bothered with an umbrella.

They all stood in the light rain and bowed their heads, Tiffany knew her mom had become an atheist a long time ago, but she was muttering verses under her breath as they left. Maybe she thought it was the work of a demon after all, or maybe things like this brought out other sides of people.

Tiffany didn’t say anything at the funeral, just clenched her teeth so tight and wound her mouth shut so firmly that she thought her jaw might shatter like an old wind-up clock. She watched her shoes as she walked, entered, listened, left.

It all felt like something else, happening to some other girl.

She didn’t sleep that night, she hadn’t slept a lot since the night two weeks ago in the motel. I can do something, she repeated it to herself. I came here to do something.

She played with her transistor radio every night and waited.

It was a Wednesday at midday when she finally sought out Lona again, it would be a place to start.

Tina, from her mom’s spin class, knew Sierra, who worked at the local grocers had heard from the cashier that Lona came in every morning for a danish and a coffee. The girl was like clockwork, and better yet, she was still in town.

Tiffany rolled herself out of bed that Wednesday, glanced at the college pamphlets her mom left just outside her door and then brushed her teeth with the force of a steam engine. She didn’t bother with breakfast as she waved at her mom and left for the morning.

They were both out of work at the moment so Tiffany told her she was going to go look for a job- and it was, a job of sorts at least.

Tiffany found the girl in the fresh fruits section examining a shiny red apple, hair was loose and pushed over her right shoulder. She was wearing a navy blue shirt that day and capri jeans that covered most of a bruise on her calf. Tiffany came up behind her and cleared her throat.

“So,” Tiffany made the hunter jump. “When can we catch this horror-terror?” Lona turned and made a face, “Oh.” She paused, “hello again, uh…?” “Tiffany,” she said groughly, “Tiffany Green.” She put her hand out and they take a moment to exchange an awkward handshake.

Lona put one of the apples in her basket, “I’m afraid progress is slow.” She said carefully, backing away, “There’s complications.” Tiffany stepped into Lona’s personal bubble, “Put me to work then.” Lona pushed her hair back and started walking the other direction, “It’s not that simple. I don’t need you yet.” Tiffany followed her down the next aisle.

“Then need me now.” She insisted, “We don’t have all the time in the world, even if the motel is empty right now.” Lona didn’t look back, “We have at least a few more days.” Tiffany frowned deeply, “Take me with you.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Aren’t monster hunters supposed to have backup?” She chased after the other girl’s heels.

Lona arched an eyebrow, “Hunters are supposed to be careful. First and foremost.” Tiffany opened her mouth and then closed it, ‘careful’ was not on her job resume. “Please.” She tried again. “I can’t… the motel can’t stay closed. My mom’s worked there for twelve years. I can help.” Lona wandered her way to a tall silver coffee dispenser and doesn’t say anything as she fills a large canister, Tiffany felt like a lost puppy as she followed her to the cash register.

“Fine,” Lona finally relented as Tiffany trailed her to the parking lot, “You can come back with me.” She said slowly, “there is something we can both do.” Tiffany’s mouth breaks open into a toothy smile she didn’t know she had in her, “You won’t regret it.” Lona just clicked her tongue and made her way to a blue chevy car, “Rule one,” she got in, “listen to what I say.” She just got into the car after her.

------------------------

Books. Tiffany should have anticipated books.

There was a second hotel in Rowing South Dakota, it was a motel 8 with 24-hour service, an outdoor swimming pool, and actual lawn chairs next to it. They were Anne’s main competition.

Tiffany was led through the cramped parking lot all the way to room 108 where Lona took out a set of keys and jangled the door opened. Tiffany glanced at the room momentarily, the curtains were drawn but the scent of sweet wine and something smoky wafted out of the door.

“Come in, come in,” Lona gestured quickly and Tiffany gladly ducked into the AC-blasted room and out of the heat. She turned in each direction, pictures were on the walls, books were open on every surface, there was a crossbow in the corner.

“Wow,” She breathed and milked in every second of it, Lona covered the crossbow with a blanket and pushed a pile of books aside to let Tiffany sit down on a small chair.

“Who knows, maybe a new set of eyes will actually help.” Lona muttered to herself and pushed her hair back- a habit Tiffany was starting to recognize. Tiffany twitched nervously, concentrating wasn’t her strong suit. But this was a monster, this was The Monster and sometimes that was enough to trick her brain into cooperating.

She tapped a rhythm on her legs as Lona firmly closed the door behind them, “SO,” she spoke up, “Are you finally going to tell me what we’re looking for?” Lona didn’t respond right away, opting to walk silently back across the room and take her seat on the single red-quilted bed.

“I don’t know,” Lona said clearly, evenly.

Tiffany leaned forward, “What?” “I don’t know,” Lona repeated and then turned away, she made a soft frustrated sound, “this isn’t what you think it is. These aren’t your mother’s monsters, these aren’t TV monsters.” “Okay?” She puffed her cheeks and drew a little closer, “I’m all ears then. What does that even mean?” Lona met her eye, “maybe there once was, I dunno, perfect vampires and pure weres.” Tiffany studied Lona’s face, as she was hesitating around something, “but?”

“It’s the twenty-first century, monsters change, grow just as the world did, they didn’t stop adapting just because people stopped believing.” “That, yeah, yeah?” Tiffany rubbed her neck, “Yes?” Lona cracked the book open and placed it on her lap, “it’s a hybrid.” She said simply, “I don’t know what it is, because it probably wasn’t bred into this damn world until recently.” She uncapped a highlighter with her teeth, “Damn bastards.” Tiffany blinked a couple times, “hybrid… like?” “A combo, mix, mutt,” Lona highlighted something in her book.

Tiffany looked down at her lap, “Monsters fuck.” She said to herself quietly.

Lona put her palms up in the air, “That is your great take-away?” She looked up sharply, “You can fuck monsters.” Lona rolled her eyes spectacularly, “most only once.” She shook her head, “And you haven’t met a more annoying creature than a vampire-fae or banshee-werecat, hybrids don’t make this fucking easy.” Tiffany gave a sideways sloppy smile, “You really are a monster hunter.” Lona snorted gently, “I thought we established that, yeah.” Tiffany grinned to herself and looked down, “Give me a book.” She gave her a thumbs up, “Let’s figure out which of these things have been doing the nasty.” Lona leaned back, “I’m trying not to regret this.” Tiffany winked, “Try harder.”

She gave a hoarse laugh and Tiffany cracked the spine of an ancient tome that smelled like dust and molding ink. The first picture was of a demon with seven fingers on each hand and a head of fire.

She kept turning.

---------------------------------

They had a bulletin board. A bulletin board and string and seven questions in scrawling large print. It felt like a 70s cop show and Tiffany was the spunky assistant, spunky and full of potential- as long as she kept herself whole and uneaten of course.

She paced in front of the board, the seven questions were written in fat sharpie marker and read:

How does it move around?

Where does it go?

What can it manipulate? Light? Sound?

Why is it eating just heads?

Mothman?- that one was scratched out and given a little frustrated face next to it.

Why the hotel?

Why Rowing?

They were both looking at it with blurry eyes and a slight headache by 11pm. Tiffany had sent a few hasty texts to her mom saying she was at the movies, her mom seemed to willfully give in to that.

Tiffany stretched and yawned one more time, she glanced back at the board, “What if,” she pointed to number five again, “angry mothman.” Lona groaned, “I told you ten times, it’s not mothman. He doesn’t eat people.” “But what if,” she rested her head on her own shoulder, “it was mothman? Or mothman… saw a sexy subaru and decided to have a little fun.” “Oh my god.” “I’m just saying!” She threw her hands in the air, “it has those headlight eyes.” “Yes,” Lona looked ready to toss her book across the room, “And we still have no idea why.” Tiffany yawned again, “Machine-mothman sex.” “Absolutely not,” Lona massaged the bridge of her nose, “I don’t even want to live in that world.” “Too bad,” she grinned, “I just made that world.” Lona flopped down on the bed, “what’s that you say? You want to offer yourself up the monster as a sacrifice? Virgin sacrifice? That’s very noble and bold of you.” Tiffany stuck her tongue out at her, “Hey, I’m coming up with ideas over here.” She fidgeted in place, “an’ m’ not a virgin.” She mumbled. Lona chuckled, “You know I have a lie detector-rune, right?” Tiffany’s eyes went wide, “Really?” She almost stammered. Lona tossed her head back and laughed, “No.” “Ugh,” Tiffany picked up one of the nearby dislodged motel pillows and threw it at her, “bad people get eaten by monsters you know.”

Lona sighed, “everybody gets eaten by monsters. That’s how it is.” Tiffany looked up at the ceiling and listened to the AC blast, “Maybe…” She mumbled, “It’s a weremoth-car hybrid?” Lona gave her a tired look, she shrugged, “turn to ‘were’s’ in that book over there.” Tiffany spun around in her chair, “Really?” “Not the car part, no,” Lona sniffed, “But we have to figure out the timing in between feedings, figure out something, anything.” Tiffany frowned, “Do we know if it’s feeding or not?”

Lona hung her head, “No. We don’t.” She rolled over and pointed at newspaper and book clippings, “We know there were cults in the hotel.” “For one night.” “And a burial ground.” “Ten miles away.” Lona closed her eyes and sighed, “what about a weremoth again?”

She grinned, “On it.” Lona trudged over and looked over her shoulder as she read, poured over the words, the symbols, any of it, all of it. Tiffany glanced at her several times and wondered, not for the first time, where she came from. And where she was going after this.

They kept flipping through books.

-----------------------

Night three approached like a bad hangover: thirst, headaches, and staring at nothing for a few hours straight. Her mom was starting to ask where she kept going, there were only so many movies out and she apparently didn’t buy the new ‘I made a friend’ excuse.

But Tiffany was 19, she was allowed out of the house. And into the motel 8 room 108.

Tiffany was lying on Lona’s bed, back resting against the headboard, and transistor radio back in her lap. Lona was in the corner furiously flipping through yet another book, this one titled: The Supernatural of North America, volume Five.

She was growling, “no glowing eyes, no winged creatures with glowing eyes. No head eating!” She spilled the book onto the floor, “Useless.” Tiffany kept her eyes down and responded in a monotone, “Don’t give up yet.”

Lona angrily got to her feet and started to pace, “So useless. There’s nothing here, we might as well name it ourselves.” Tiffany’s mouth twitched, “The Lona-saurus.” “Yeah, why not.” Tiffany laughed, looking up, “Lona-terror.” She shook her head, “Don’t you want it named after you?” She grinned, “No.” she tilted her head to the side, “Though I do have a question for Lona-Human.”

Lona paused and raised an eyebrow, “Yeah?”

“I’ve been thinking,” Tiffany kept fiddling with the dials and glancing around the room. “How did you get into this business anyway?” Lona glanced over her shoulder, “I told you earlier. That’s confidential. You shouldn’t know about all of this,” she was murmuring now, “How am I going to explain any of this?” Tiffany frowned, “To who?” Lona turned on her heels and kept pacing, “No one.”

Tiffany groaned and kept flipping through her channels. “Jesus lov-” “Shuckin-” “Pi-” “Shh-” “Ki-” “Would you stop that?” Lona crawled onto the bed with her, “I don’t know how much time we have left and it’s distracting.” “Shush,” Tiffany suddenly sat upright in bed as she found the chanel again: 98.3. It was dead quiet. “Here it is.” The quiet stretched on and Lona reached to take the radio from her, “Knock it off.” Tiffany rolled away from her.

“Listen!”

As if on queue, the static blared to life.

“Oh shit!” Tiffany shook the radio in midair, “There is it.” Lona raised an eyebrow, “What is it?” Tiffany glanced up, “this is the chanel,” she bit her bottom lip, “The monster channel,” she whispered it and glanced at the door just in case.

Lona scooted closer to her, “Well it sounds like you’re getting bad reception,” she didn’t seem particularly impressed. “Here. It’s probably a blocked chanel.” Lona reached for something in her pocket, holding the object with her right hand and bringing it to her lips. She seemed to whisper to it and then spit on the surface. Tiffany wrinkled her nose at that, but noted closely as the other girl placed a shiny metal rock on top of the radio.

“Turn the dial now,” Lona commanded, Tiffany reluctantly complied.

“I’m telling you, it doesn’t get any clearer than-” She turned the dial and voices immediately began pouring in through the speakers, chanting, singing, wild and strange. Tiffany’s breath caught in her throat.

“Sanguis Bibimus. Corpus Edimus. Sanguis Bibimus. Corpus Edimus. Tolle Corpus Satani! Ave!” Unmistakable gibberish came over the speakers with a grating metal sound in the background, unmistakably dark, unmistakably powerful. The hairs on her arm stood on end, demonic.

Lona stood up immediately, “Of course,” she reached for her duffel bag, “Of fucking course.” Tiffany bounced to her feet, radio still in hand, “What, what is it?” The demonic chanting continued. “Stay here, turn that off,” Lona ordered, “I have to hurry.” Tiffany grabbed her wrist before she could dart away, “What’s going on,” she shoved herself into Lona’s face, “You owe me that much.” Lona struggled with something for a moment before opening and closing her mouth, “Do you remember what the monster looked like?” “Yeah,” Tiffany shuddered, “glowing eyes, wings, huge ass mouth.” “Remember the teeth?”

Tiffany squinted, “I… don’t think I can forget.” “They were blunt,” Lona shouldered her way toward the door, “This isn’t a carnivore, someone else is doing this, that channel… it must be going through the whole town.” Tiffany followed after her, “You’re not stopping me from coming with.” Lona tugged at her hair, “I don’t have time for this.”

“Then don’t fight it.” Tiffany reached out, “I can come with you now or hitch hike there, I’m not staying.” Lona pinched her lips together, glaring and wrestling with something. They stare off for a long minute, finally, Lona stepped aside and Tiffany climbed into the car with her.

---------------

“Rule number one,” Lona was speeding down the city central road like she wanted to leave skid marks on it, “Don’t come in.” “No.” “Rule number two,” Lona growled, “Stay away from the monster.” “I mean, I’ll try,” Tiffany could feeling her blood pumping through her ears, I’m not going to freeze up this time. She made herself a promise.

“Rule three,” Lona swerved into the parking lot, her face a placid sheet of determination, “if I say run, then you run.” Tiffany nodded, “I can do that.” Her hands trembled slightly, she balled them up and met Lona’s eyes, “I can do that.” Lona’s face slipped into a small smile as they pulled into the parking lot, “And if you can’t run…” She handed her a small pointed cross, “Fight like hell.”

Tiffany smiled back as she took the pointed cross, “Is this for demons then?” Lona kicked her door open and took out her crossbow, “We’re about to find out.” Tiffany edged out of the car and ran after her.

Tiffany watched Lona’s long hair swing back and forth as they strode toward the hotel, no lights were on, it stood quiet and empty. She nursed a growing nausea in her gut at the sight, nerves burning through her system and forcing her feet to follow Lona anyway.

“Lona,” Tiffany chased her heels, “I’ve got your back.” Lona snorted and looked over her shoulder, “I am going to be in so much trouble for bringing a civilian into this.” She pushed her dark hair back, “Is there anything I can say to get you to turn around?” Tiffany drew herself up, “Not on your life. Now,” she cracked her knuckles, “Lemme get us in.” Tiffany found the back door and carefully jiggled it open, she could feel them both holding their breath. Hybrids, she was still wrapping her mind around it.

This wasn’t the movie monsters, it wasn’t even the white-limbed forest walker she was certain ate her dog all those years ago. This was the real deal.

She doesn’t have time to process what this would mean, she cracked the door open and a buzz sizzled through the air. Their eyes both went wide, Lona darted in first, crossbow out, Tiffany pushed her way in after before Lona can lock her out.

The door shuts softly behind them and the lights flicker softly overhead, Lona crouched down and Tiffany stood in place. The yellow wallpaper and green carpet suddenly seemed like a funeral walk, she looked down the narrow space and looked for something.

Lona grabbed her wrist and forced her up against the wall, “Don’t just stand there.” She hissed and placed Tiffany in the corner. “Careful.”

They crept down the long corridor and the echoes of demonic chanting reverberated through Tiffany’s headspace, remembering the sound of ghoulish voices calling across the radio.

You knew there would be dangers, she reminded herself, you knew it wouldn’t be easy.

The lights flickered and Tiffany looked in all directions, waiting for teeth or shadows or giant wings that swept them all away. She tensed her muscles and crept after Lona, keeping her back to the wall, the lights flickered.

It’s quiet, but Tiffany swore she heard the sound of distant buzzing, metallic and crunching.

“I don’t like this,” Lona murmured, “We needed more… more time. More information.” She heard her take a deep breath.

Tiffany clenched her teeth, they hadn’t figured out what the chanting even meant. “It’s coming,” she said, “We have to stop it.”

Lona nodded back, “Keep your eyes open, we don’t know when or where-” “Aaah!” A shriek shattered the air, gut-wrenching and sharp. They share a look, then they are running. Tiffany flung herself toward the cry, focusing on pumping each leg forward and keeping in motion, they followed it toward the second story.

They crashed into the fire escape door and sprinted up the flight of stairs, it was east wing.

“You took him,” a wobbling voice cried, “You took him, devil, bastard.” It was a desperate, watery wail.

Lona burst the upstairs door open, the hall was dark, dark and breathless and a pair of eyes are blaring like two white perfect headlamps. Tiffany blinked a couple times until she could see more clearly.

Ms. Thomas was holding up a fire-poker and brandishing it back and forth like a sword. Maybe she had come for vengeance too.

For a moment Tiffany’s breath is taken away, the creature loomed at the end of the hall. Eyes like flashlights, a buzzing emanating off of its body. It’s massive mouth was a slit across it’s lower face, she could make out two fuzzy atena hanging down above it this time.

It’s massive furry body filled the space and blunt white teeth were just visible in the dark.

Ms. Eve Thomas held up her poker, “stay back.”

The creature lumbered forward undeterred, but Tiffany was moving before she could question it, question anything. Ms. Thomas stabbed up at it’s open gaping maw. Tiffany lunged first, tackling her to the ground and falling head over heels into the wall as the creature’s mouth came down over nothing.

An arrow whizzed above them and a solid thunk carried through the air, Tiffany looked up to see the end of the projectile lodged into the creature’s right shoulder. The creature stumbled in place and took a moment to touch the black arrow embedded into its flesh, fresh black blood oozing out.

It threw its head back and opened its mouth wide.

A buzzing insectoid noise lept from it’s throat, Tiffany reached to cover her ears but Lona was yelling at them. “Move,” she yelled and let loose another crossbow arrow. This one just barely grazed the creatures left leg and left a trail of blood spilling onto the carpet.

The creature stumbled forward, saddling up alongside them, it’s thick arms reaching out wildly and grasping in the dark, Tiffany could smell it’s musk, hear it’s labored breaths.

Tiffany pushed Ms. Thomas forward, “Run!” She yelled, “run goddammit.” Ms. Thomas scrambled forward, reaching for Lona, but Tiffany paused, there was something on the ground, something behind them. It was a thin strip of white paper, black ink was scrawled vertically along it.

The paper lead down the hall and up the creatures back, up and up, Tiffany followed it with her eyes. She licked her lips, “Lona,” she said slowly, eyes not leaving the paper, “I’m breaking rule number two.” “No you’re fucking not.” Lona called, trying to reload another arrow just as the monster lurched toward her, slow, but deadly with it’s thick grey tongue lashing out.

“Huh,” Tiffany grunted and sprung to her feet, it’s headlamp eyes turned toward her, hitting her directly in the face, neck turning like an owl’s. Tiffany threw herself on it’s massive furry body and climbed.

The grating buzzing noise boomed, Tiffany flinched but managed to dive for the paper tied around the creatures neck. It was arranged like a noose, tied and scrawled with inky dark unreadable letters.

The creatures hands thrashed at her, Tiffany kicked at it’s claws and latched her hands onto the paper. The moment she grabbed the scroll a fiery burn bloomed in her flesh that sparked all the way to her elbow, burning and bleeding into her skin. “Agh,” she screamed and let go, luckily, she slammed into the wall instead of into the creatures enormous mouth and searching tongue. Pain burst from her head and hands, she hit the wall and slid limply to floor.

Her vision blurred and tilted, but voices were yelling, calling, she feably pushed up and fumbled back to her feet, the world was a rush of nonsense sound and light. A hand thrust out and grabbed her shoulder, yanking her out of the way as a row of blunt snapping teeth descended.

Tiffany is pulled to safety for a second time.

“Thanks,” she said weakly as Lona crashed them into the nearest wall and out of the way.

Lona’s eyes didn’t leave the monster, “What the hell was that?” Tiffany glanced down at her burned hands, headlamp eyes were sweeping toward them once more, “You’re right,” Tiffany reached for her pocket, “I don’t think it wants to do this.” Lona pushed them back again, “We need to retreat, regroup-” “Hey Lona,” she thought of Mr. Thomas, his face pale and mouth open as the teeth closed in around him. “If anything happens,” she took a deep breath, “Don’t tell my mom I died doing something stupid after all.” Lona’s hand was firm across her shoulder, “Don’t you da-” She wiggled free by jumping out of her brown bomber jacket, she slid smoothly forward and jammed herself directly into the monster’s path. The headlights blind her for a moment, but she jumped up this time, leaping blindly just as the creature lunged to take her head off. She wound her arms around its neck as it bent down.

A thick grey tongue licked at her leg, but she kicked and grabbed at the paper noose tied firmly around its neck. She cringed at the searing burn in her right hand, but drew the sharpened cross up and sliced at the paper. Tiffany prepared herself to have to saw and tear away, but the paper broke like wet tissue paper against the press of the holy object, it smoked gently and fell away.

A deafening screech followed and her whole world tremored.

Tiffany was falling again, falling and falling, just as a pair of hands collided into her back, stopping her head from cracking against the hard floor. Lona had dove for her as she fell away from the beast.

The creature screeched again, it’s voice insectoid but losing it’s inhumane metallic clang. Lona started to pull, “The door,” she yelled and started tearing away, “We need to get the door.”

Tiffany barely remembered stumbling and sweating her way down the stairs and back to the first story, her hands screaming in pain and head spinning. Lona shepherded them toward the fire exit just as the creature rammed itself into walls and ceiling, knocked out the lights as it flew rapidly in all directions.

The emergency exit peeled open and they threw themselves out. Tiffany gasped for air, Lona pushing her out of the way just as a huge furry body burst out behind them.

The summer air was somehow cooler on her flushed skin and she swayed in place, the fight leaving her battered body, but she couldn’t let her eyes close, she stayed in place, transfixed.

The shadows melted off the enormous humanoid beast, the dark blacks fading into a sharp silver, it’s wings extending, grey and covered in spotted intricate markings. It’s headlamp eyes shun in the night and it’s antena extended.

It was a light grey now, sparkling almost, wings massive and whumping in the night.

“Oh,” Tiffany stepped back, “ Oh fuck.” Lona kept her hands around her, she chuckled, “Huh,” she said simply, “A fairy creature.” Later, Lona would call it a ‘will-o-wisp’ mated with a moth beast, a lost mutt fairy creature.

It’s movements were quick and decisive, slightly lopsided and presumably still wounded, it sped into the horizon. It’s silverback disappeared into the trees, the buzzing and screeching following it and the world fell quiet and still.

“Will it,” Tiffany felt her tingling limbs to make sure they were all still there, “Will it eat any more people? Should we go after it?” Lona’s eyes trailed down to Tiffany’s raw red hands, she shook her head, “Someone was controlling it. With those chants and that leash,” their eyes meet, “it should be safe now.” Tiffany exhaled, “Who would do that?” Lona shrugged, “There are plenty of bad people in this world.” She pushed Tiffany’s blonde hair back from her sweaty face, “don’t worry about it.” Tiffany slumped down, “There you go again. With orders.” She chuckled and sat gasping in the light of the descending moon, “You’ll notice I’m not very good with those.” Lona collapsed down next to her, “well thanks for not dying at least.” Tiffany shot her a slow smile, “Thanks for letting me almost not-not-die.” Lona chuckled, “please don’t thank me civilian. This isn’t what we’re supposed to do.”

“Okay,” Tiffany’s head lulled to the side, falling onto Lona’s shoulder, “you’re welcome then.”

Lona put her head down too, “That was stupidly brave, there.” She sighed, closing her eyes, her voice becomes lower, small even, “Don’t become a monster hunter Tiffany, please.” There was something unsettling soft in her tone.

Tiffany closed her eyes too, “Too late.” They stay there for a very long moment, contemplating their own mortality, burns, and various fly-away feelings seeping into tired bones.

Lona was gone in the morning.

Tiffany torched all of her college pamphlets on the burner, bandaged her hands, wrote a note to her mother, and followed after.

FIN

[scientifically-strange]

As another prompt request could I get Danny having to separate Tara from Bell after figuring out that Bell is changing her personality. Maybe with a little help from Tony Stark with the sentence prompt of "If I die I'm haunting you first" said by Tara.

“Look, I know that you really want to stay with Tara, but it’s not safe to be out of the Ghost Zone for long periods of time.”

“But you’re not going back.”

Danny looked Bell, tired. She was attached at the hip to her friend Tara, who had rescued her from the Guys in White, which Danny had had plenty of experience with. But Bell spent literally all of her time with Tara. She was a fully fledged ghost, she needed the Zone to stay, for lack of a better word, alive.

“I’m half human,” he told her. “I can survive out here with no problem. But you can’t.”

Something was oddly weird about this conversation. Usually, when Danny ordered other ghosts to go back to the Zone, he was met with tension at best, and a battle at worst. But this conversation was oddly calm. Neither of them raised their voices at each other, and neither of them had the slightest bit of tension. It was just a calm, factual conversation. He really hoped he was winning.

“I can come with you if you want,” he offered, but she shook her head.

“No, you’re right. I need to go to the ghost Zone and recharge. But thank you for offering.”

Danny nodded, and they all watched as Bell unwrapped her tail from Tara’s leg, opened a portal, and headed to the Ghost Zone.

“Well, that’s a fucking bummer,” Tara said. Danny looked at her, wide-eyed. He had never known Tara to be so...outgoing. She was kind of shy, quiet, and calm, but here she seemed almost aggressive.

“Yeah, but she needs it,” Danny told her as she crossed her arms.

It was like a flip had switched in her head. When she’s with Bell, she’s fine. She’s calm, kind, a little shy, and due to her closed off nature, Danny hasn’t really gotten to know her all that well.

But now, her shoulders are squared, and she’s cursing like a sailor, which is something she doesn’t typically do. In fact, up until a couple seconds ago, Danny had never heard her curse.

“Wow,” Tony said, walking up. “Someone is a little firecracker today. Where’s Beauty?”

“Up you ass,” Tara said.

“Jesus, what’s got you all pissed off?”

“These stupid questions you keep asking,” she fired back.

“Bell had to go back to the Zone so she could recharge. She can only stay out of it for so long,” Danny answered. Tony nodded, taking a sup of his coffee.

“I wonder what it would be like if I was a ghost. Like, I could haunt anybody. That would be pretty fun.”

“If I die I’m haunting you first,” Tara told him.

“Haunting people gets pretty boring after a while,” Danny told him. “When everybody has the same reaction the hilarity of it loses its value.”

“That makes sense. So when is she gonna come back?”

“It shouldn’t e more than a few days,” Tara answered.

“Nice. Well, then, who wants to go get pizza?”

----

The next few days were more or less like that. Tara was snarky, and really didn’t care about anything anyone had to say. She was brash, reckless, and didn’t give a shit about what anybody thought. It was kind of cool at first; she was more outgoing and cracked more jokes than usual. She was really funny, but because she hardly said anything they never knew.

When Bell came back, it was a good day for everybody. All the stresses that anybody had seemed to quiet down. That was the really cool thing about her. Just her presence made everything a little bit better.

She looked better, too. Her hair was a little shinier, her skin a little bit greener, and overall seemed more relaxed. She said hi to everybody before flying over to Tara and wrapping her tail around her leg.

“I missed you,” Tara said, smiling. Her voice was the softest it had been in days, and her whole demeanor seemed to change. It was like that flip in her head had switched again, and her personality was back to before. Before Bell went to the Zone.

“Hey, Bell,” Danny said. “Can you go to the other room real quick? I just want to test something out.”

Bell nodded, and floated to the floor below.

“Hey, what did you tell her to leave for?” Tara said angrily. “She just got back!”

“Don’t you see?” Danny asked. “Dude, your personality changes depending on whether or not she’s here. When she’s here, you’re calm and shy and when she’s not your reckless and a potty mouth.”

“That is not true.”

Danny didn’t say anything. Instead, he sunk through the floor and called Bell back.

“Just, pay attention,” he said.

Bell flew back over to Tara and again, wrapped her tail around her leg. Tara’s persona changed back to normal once more, and Danny gestured to her, looking at the rest of the group.

“See?” he asked. “Bell has a calming effect.”

“I think Danny’s right,” Steve said. “I don’t feel so stressed out anymore. Just...Calm.”

“It’s not to far of a stretch,” Danny said. “Bell, this could be a power of yours that you just didn’t know about. You have this effect on everybody, that can’t be a coincidence.”

“That’s interesting,” Bell said. “I always thought that I just had standard ghost abilities, but to find out that I have one that I’ve been using without even knowing is pretty cool, too.”

“I do feel better when Bell is around,” Tara admitted. She looked at the ground, unable to meet anybody’s eyes. “Sorry if I was a jerk these past couple of days,” she said.

“No worried. You should tell jokes more often,” Tony said. “Because you’re fucking hilarious.”

Tara smiled. “Do you really wanna hear one?”

“Yes,” Tony replied.

“Well, for one, that outfit,” she said, pointing to Tony. Danny couldn’t help the bubble of laughter that escaped his mouth. “For two, that hair.”

Now everybody was laughing. The jokes were blunt and the look on Tony’s face was hilarious. Danny couldn’t believe it.

He figured, since Tara knew now about her personalities with and without Bell, there would be a happy medium between the two. This was the old Tara showing her dry humor with them, and it was worth every side splitting experience.

Tony cleared his throat, and pretended like the jokes didn’t just catch him off guard.

“Whatever, glad you’re back.”

The rest of them laughed even harder than before

[rwdestuffs]

Done dirty: Worldbuilding.

Not pictured: Actual worldbuilding.

In all honesty, I don’t know how to start this post.

Yeah, I have the image that’s there to help inform people about the subject at hand, but it’s hard to do a post about something that’s practically nonexistent.

Like, doing a post about how Yang got mistreated in certain volumes, and not getting development from facing the stigma from her Vytal Festival incident is one thing. So is pointing out how Sun is literally just there to be eye candy for Blake’s arc with little to no development to his character whatsoever. Same with how Pyrrha is just a prop for Jaune and a plot device to set off Ruby’s plot device. Same for the grimm in general, or dust.

Talking about writing concepts is hard because it has to be there for a person to talk about. Most mediums that take place in fictional worlds at least understand how to properly world-build.

There’s a show from the 80s that had better worldbuilding in it. And that show has a half-naked superhero cheap action figure as their main protector from an ineffective villain who needs a friend so that he could feel good about himself!

Joking aside, other worlds also have very little issue with worldbuilding. Like the Legend of Zelda games. Thanks to interaction with NPCs, the bits of lore that are scattered around, and the ways that it’s made, you can get a good idea as to how the world works. Hell! There are different species, and they all have different cultures and societies that are unique to them!

Zoras are prideful and are often talented musicians. They pride themselves on their sense of duty and order.

Gorons are prideful of their strength. They feed off of rocks, and they greatly enjoy competitions that show off their strength.

Gerudos are terretorial, and don’t like strangers. They’re a warrior race, and are proud of it. They only have one male child every hundred years.

This is from a Video Game. Admittedly, a Video Game with over twenty-five years of history and other mediums, but still! They managed to have distinct races and cultures despite their limited medium.

Look, the primary reason I’m avoiding the subject is because… there’s is no subject. There’s hardly any worldbuilding, and whenever there is, it’s often contradicted in a later episode, or through the director’s commentary. The same could be said about character traits, but I think I’ve covered that pretty well in other Done dirty posts.

Take the thing about gods, for instance. Qrow says, in the same scene I might add, this:

Which is it, Qrow?- Are people not religious, or have they made gods of their own?- Like… You have literal relics from the past that definitively proves one single religion. Sure, you’d have a few holdouts, but still!

Now that I think about it, uniting under a single religion would probably be enough for dickhead god 1 and ass-face god 2 to say “Yeah, humanity’s united. Okay, you’re all good.”

But we don’t get that.

Even in Marvel, where a literal Norse God regularly visits New York, there are a few skeptics. Here’s an article that details that storyline: https://arousinggrammar.com/2013/02/19/life-questions-with-thor/

Like… All I’m saying is that when you place something extraordinary into the real world, people tend to take the effort into thinking how society would adapt to it. Some people would adapt by thinking nothing is wrong at all, some would adapt by obsessing over it, some would make statues, some would resent the extraordinary, and so on. There are also ways in which the government could adapt. Like in the X-Men series, where the subject of mutant rights is often brought up so often, that you kinda want to see how other countries are handling it (Sidenote: Someone send this idea to Marvel so that the aren’t recycling and reusing the same storyline over and over and over again).

And if it doesn’t have that big of an impact on the ‘real world’ then they tend to find a way to showcase why. In Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, Stands are invisible to normal people, so there is no reason for society to have adapted to their presence. In American Dragon Jake Long, the magical world is kept secret, so there’s no reason for there to be big societal adaptations for their presence. Same thing with the show The Life and Times of Juniper Lee (Does anyone remember these shows?- They were pretty good). And when the “fantastical world” does get exposed, like in X-Men or in Danny Phantom, there are societal adaptations. People and society adapt to what is new and not normal. It’s ultimately an interesting way to create a world based on the real world, but still feels separate from ours.

So yet again, we circle around to how the show fails at this. We don’t get the little interactions that make it easier to understand the world. We don’t get the moments that detail how dust changed society. The faunus racism is hardly a thing, and we don’t know if there are clothes specifically designed with faunus traits in mind. There are no societal protections against the grimm like walls around the cities or more emphasis on the importance of Hunters. Apparently the maidens have been around for a long-ass time, but there’s no recorded history of them despite the selection process being random at certain times.

Like, what?- Was there never news about sweet young Olive suddenly summoning the winds without dust or aura consumption?

And speaking of aura, does that cut down on accidents or murders?- What about semblances?- do they cut down on death caused by accidents or murders?- Do they contribute? We don’t know. And that’s because the writers didn’t want to create a. fantastical world that makes sense. They just wanted to get their characters from point a, to point b, and have a few fights along the way to build up tension that ultimately goes nowhere because the fights have no real stakes to them. Because the heroes always win. The only times they didn’t was the fight where Yang’s trauma got fixed the moment she put on her arm and the one where Qrow’s poisoning got fixed thanks to a Deus-Ex-Machina airship to Mistral.

Without stakes, the viewer is left to try to make sense of the world. Which they can’t do because there’s hardly any worldbuilding at all.

We know jack shit about Vale culture or how the society works, and what we do know came from Qrow’s biased review on the continent in the WoR video. Same with Atlas, Mistral, Vacuo, and even Menagerie.

No worldbuilding. Just a travel pamphlet.

And I don’t want no stinkin’ pamphlet. I want a freaking book or website that details all the attractions, and the history of the place. What the people are like. What are the main means of trade. All the things that you could get out of good worldbuilding.

If I can’t have that, then at least build the actual overall world of Remnant. Like how dust effects society and makes it different from ours.

But we also don’t get that.

We get just some generic talks about how “Jaune used to go to a certain town with his family” or Generic backstory about the village that Ren’s family was slaughtered in.

Nothing special. Nothing to make me actually care about the towns.

Just some generic stuff that is never brought up again.

And I for one, am really sick of the world not actually feeling like a world.

I’m not asking for worldbuilding or made-up cultures on the level of Star Trek, but I am asking for is a bit of effort so that it doesn’t feel like the bare minimum was put into it.

[star-blossom]

85 questions tag

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people  i really don’t know who tag so i’m gonna tag some random people, you do it only if you want to and even if you’re not tagged, you an do it  - @qianloveclub, @softforjungwoo, @osakaprinceyutaa, @nanasboi, @renjunchokingnct 

stole from @norencult

* Last…?

1. drink ─ coke (i always drink for dinner)

2. phone call ─ telepizza (okay but really, i was getting my dinner but unfortunately it didn’t work)

3. text message ─ a friend (we were talking about me listing to Avril Lavigne)

4. song you listened to ─ what the hell - avril lavigne (^^^)

5. time you cried ─ this might sounf dumb for you but it was yerterday because of renjun: i was watching to the 5th ep of 5th season of nct life (nct life entertainment retreat with nct dream) and one of their “missions” was talking about their memories and that stuff around a campfire, and their liders (SUJU’s Leeteuk and Shindong) asked renjun to send a video-letter to his family and, in the middle of that video-letter, he started crying and i’m such an emotional bitch and i literally started crying with him...  you can also ask to @nanasboi because i was talking about it with him and even sent a video ahahgsjhag 

* Ever…?

6. dated someone twice ─ nop, i’m not that type of person

7. kissed someone and regretted it ─ yes lmao, the person i lost my bv ahahaa

8. been cheated on ─ yes

9. lost someone special ─ yeah.. not from my family it was SHINee’s Jonghyun and, from my family, it wasn’t a person but my dog.. i miss her :(

10. been depressed ─ i don’t think so..

11. gotten drunk and thrown up ─ N O P i don’t drink okay kids :) 

12. fave colors ─ blue (any shape of), pink, red, black.. 

* In the last year have you…

15. made new friends ─ YAS and i’m so happy i met them all!

16. fallen out of love ─ yes 

17. laughed until you cried ─ A LOT AHAHAHAJ it’s so easy to makeme laugh tho

18. found out someone was talking about you ─ a lot as well, and almot all the times were bad things specially because in the morning when i’m going to school i always walk with a fucking bad bitch face and don’t talk to anyone and people like to creat lies over me lmao

19. met someone who changed you ─ hmm yes, not in bad things like drugs and that stuff but mentay you know? 

20. found out who your friends are ─ unfortunatle, yes, and they’re not good people as i thought

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list ─ yeah :v 

* General

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl ─ idk ???????????

23. do you have any pets ─ yes, i have a withe cat called mingas

24. do you want to change your name ─ no, i like my name actually (daniela)

25. what did you do for your last birthday ─ i.. i don’t remember ????? OMG WHAT I DON’T REMEMBER AHAHAJHAJ 

26. what time did you wake up today ─ 9am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night ─ probably talking with alo about nct 

28. what is something you can’t wait for ─ i don’t have anything now that i “can’t wait for” to happen actually.. but, maybe, see my friends because i haven’t  seen them for so long :( 

30. what are you listening to right now ─ star blossom - doyoung feat. sejeong (gugudan) (omg i love this song so much :(() 

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom ─ no hajhahjajh 

32. something that’s getting on your nerves ─ when someone doesn’t let me talk and that happens a lot on my daily routine (unfortunately)

33. most visited website ─ my school blog ? 

34. hair colour ─ light green and a little blonde in the middle ahsjahsga

35. long or short hair ─ medium 

36. do you have a crush on someone ─ taking kim jungwoo out,no idon’t have, i’m more focused now on school tbh

37. what do you like about yourself ─ my kindness and friendliness i think

38. want any piercings? ─ yes i want, at leats, one on my mouth

39. blood type ─ idk :c 

40. nicknames ─ nini (only alo can call me this!!!!), danny and compal ahdgaj compal because my last name is Silvestre (wild in english????) and we relate my name with red fruits like blackberry and things like that and smeone started to calling me compal and it stayed 

41. relationship status ─ single pringle

42. zodiac ─ scorpio (best sign cof)

43. pronouns ─ she/her

44. fave tv shows ─ stranger things :) but k-dramas maybe W - two worlds, the lover, while you were sleeping, she was pretty, strog woman do bong soon, weightlifting fairy kim bok joo

45. tattoos ─ i want some and, for now, i have one (1) idea and it’s a black paw it a “Z” on it with my skin tone in memory for my death dog :(

46. right or left handed ─ right handed

47. ever had surgery ─ no 

48. piercings ─ refer to #38

49. sport ─ i don’t play nothing because i’m a lazy girl

50. vacation ─ i want to visit asia in general :( mostly japan and thailand 

51. trainers ─ wait what

* More general

52. eating ─ whell if its what a ate today was rice with chicken i think at lunch and rice with croquettes at dinner 

53. drinking ─ coke as i said

54. i’m about to watch ─ my life ending :)))

55. waiting for ─ ending doing this and go to sleep tbh it’s getting late and i’m sleepy (it’s 1am)

56. want ─ TO SLEEP

57. get married ─ please no

58. career ─ something related to photography and, joking obviously, i told to my mom once “if everything goes wrong here, i’m going to do an audition for sm as back up dancer” and she agreed so,,,, why not? :) 

* Which is better

59. hugs or kisses ─ both i just want affection ;((

60. lips or eyes ─ eyes, for sure

61. shorter or taller ─ taller or the same height

62. older or younger ─ older or the same age even i dated 2 people younger than me ahsjah 

63. nice arms or stomach ─ idk, i don’t really like a muscular person

64. hookup or relationship ─ relationship 

65. troublemaker or hesitant ─ team too-lazy-to-be-either (agree with ren tho,, can i call you like this?)

* Have you ever

66. kissed a stranger ─ uh yes on the cheek jahsja but not in the mouth lmao

67. drank hard liquor ─ no i DON’T DRINK

68. lost glasses ─ everythime, everywhere

69. turned someone down ─ hm... probably yeah... 

70. sex on first date ─ no, please no

71. broken someone’s heart ─ yes....

72. had your heart broken ─ a lot

73. been arrested ─ no habjs

74. cried when someone died ─ hummmmmmmmm i have feelings, okay? 

75. fallen for a friend ─ who never??????????????

* Do you believe in…?

76. yourself ─ uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh not as musch as i wanted to :) 

77. miracles ─ eh,,

78. love at first sight ─ yes, it happened with me with jungwoo so :))) 

79. santa claus ─ no :) he’s not real kids, i’m sorry

80. kiss on a first date ─ sure why not ?

81. angels ─ renjun is a walking angel on earth (OKAY IM GOING TO  LET THIS HERE AND OFC I HAVE TO AGREE WITH REN)

* Other

82. best friend’s name ─ david and christianne

83. eye colour ─ vvvv dark almost black actually 

84. fave movie ─ the conjuring 

85. fave actor ─ am i the only one who doesn’t have a fave actor/actress????? yeah maybe 

OKAY I CAN FINALLY GO TO SLEEP bye loves :) 

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2019, Part IV

Part III, Part II, Part I PRETTY PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

62. Shazam! (David F. Sandberg)- One of the most comic-booky movies to come around in a while in the sense that it seems to be in fast forward for the first third, using shorthands because it has too much story to tell. I am sad to report that Shazam! has no Movie Stars in it, and I didn't realize how essential those were to the superhero genre. There is a cagey standalone quality to its modest bets though. I like that it's anchored in a real place and isn't afraid to be a little too scary for kids. I would see it mostly as a product of potential though, for a funny Jack Dylan Grazer, for the filmmakers, and for the studio. As a student of weird billing, I have so many questions about Adam Brody getting awarded fifth lead for a bit part.

61. Fighting with My Family (Stephen Merchant)- Dwayne Johnson as producer feels like the auteur here, since the formulaic story has more to do with his combed-over, please-everyone persona than with Stephen Merchant's more messy, improvisatory style. I couldn't care less about the time spent on Jack Lowden's brother character, but I was impressed with the physical part of Florence Pugh's performance. This is a movie you've seen a hundred times, but it hits most of its marks skillfully. 60. Spider-Man: Far From Home (Jon Watts)- This is a movie in which a spurned tech innovator uses drone projectors to stage a battle in which he defeats an elemental water monster to save Venice. The best sequence is one in which a boy tries to trick his friends into letting him sit next to the girl he likes on a flight.  59. John Wick: Chapter 3- Parabellum (Chad Stahelski)- What a criticism it is to claim that the filmmakers give in too much to fanservice, especially since I don't know what that word means anymore if something like this is the monoculture. So they gave us, the audience, what we wanted, and I was upset that it was two hours and ten minutes? Seriously though, have you ever eaten too much ice cream? 58. Fyre (Chris Smith)- An interesting yarn that gets at the foolishness of Internet influencing better than anything else that I've seen. I was surprised by how distant many of the subjects seemed, as if only the Big Bad Billy was responsible for any misleading. And I was grateful that, despite the level of criminality on display, it was still as funny as the tweets were at the time. The film lacks shape though, and it would be nice to have somebody smart on hand to answer questions. Can someone explain to me why it's so important that the island used to be Pablo Escobar's? Why should I want to be like Pablo Escobar? 57. Leaving Neverland (Dan Reed)- Part 1 works because of the striking similarities in the parallel stories, as well as the subjects' perspicacious understanding of their own emotions and childhood psychology. So Part 2 gets extremely frustrating when these men, who have already proven how articulate they are, seem puzzled by the obvious psychological problems they have as adults. 56. Diane (Kent Jones)- This movie is kind of good when it's purely slice-of-life, before it declares what it is. It's very good once it declares itself as a routine of self-flagellation, a sort of Raging Bull for women with multiple recipes for tater tot hotdish. It's a little less good when it speeds up and goes back on that thesis near the end. For the record, I think Mary Kay Place is fine. I don't get the critical adoration.

55. Rocketman (Dexter Fletcher)- If the choice is Bohemian Rhapsody or this, then I'll take this every time. Unlike the former, Elton John's life doesn't present an obvious high point in the second half or easy conflict for the first half. As a result, the relationships within John's family seem broad with manufactured conflict. (His birth father's hardness isn't that far off from Walk Hard's "wrong kid died.") But there's an authenticity here that's refreshing, a respect to the unique friendship between Elton and Bernie and a respect for the transformative power of the music. That sincerity extends to Egerton's generous performance, which nails the self-effacing Elton John smile. So there are some biopic structural problems that can't be helped, but if only to admire the '80s fits that Elton gets off, attention must be paid. 54. Triple Frontier (J.C. Chandor)- A useful example for differentiating between tropes and cliches of the action drama genre. For someone who gets less amped than I do for dudes meeting in a shipping container to have a conversation about how "now is the time to get out," it's probably full of cliches. For fans of hyper-masculine parables about getting a team together (that are also sort of meta-commentaries on their lead actor's fallen star), it's full of tropes. 53. The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (Mike Mitchell)- The plot is nearly incoherent, and the sequel isn't really satirizing anything like the first one was. But the jokes come at a Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker clip. A character in a car chase saying, "It's like she knows my every move" before a cut reveals he's been using turn signals? That's some Frank Drebin stuff. 52. Long Shot (Jonathan Levine)- Jonathan Levine has carved out an interesting directorial space for himself, with a career far different from what I imagined when I saw and loved The Wackness, a film to which I'm a little afraid to return. Levine is making, at the highest level possible ($40 million budget?), the types of movies that we claim don't get made anymore. A one-crazy-night Christmas comedy, an adventure comedy, and now a political romantic comedy, all with top flight Movie Stars. Long Shot seems like a rare opportunity to put Seth Rogen and Charlize Theron together and do something special, and what we come out with is...cute. For every good decision the film makes--what a supporting cast, all playing rounded characters--it makes a bad one--leaning too heavily into Rogen's patented "I don't really know what we're yelling about" delivery. The music is uninspired, but the presidential satire is pretty clever. The rhythm of the film is jagged and doesn't really cut together, but the script is very fair to the Theron character. Even in the general tone of the film's politics, it declares a few ideals, but those positions are still too neutral and obvious. I had a good time, but in a more capable director's hands, this experience wouldn't feel like math. 51. Isn’t It Romantic (Todd Strauss-Schulson)- So frothy that it almost doesn't believe in itself, especially near the end, but I found myself laughing a lot. Regarding the gay best friend, I'm very interested in the space of politically incorrect humor that is acceptable only because the work has built up self-awareness in other areas. That's a difficult negotiation, but this movie balances it. 50. Yesterday (Danny Boyle)- There's one twist that stretches the moral center of the film, and two minutes later there's a twist that's probably just a bridge too far in good taste. Other than that, this is a really cute Richard Curtis script, and it's nice to hear "Hey Jude" on movie speakers. 49. Ready or Not (Radio Silence)- Short and spicy, despite one or two too many twists. I'm in the front row of the Adam Brody Revival, but I appreciated the movie more as an exercise in the paranoid misery built into wealth. I wish I could have written the line down, but Alex says something like, "I didn't realize how much you could do just because your family said that it was okay," and that's the whole film. If you can, see it without watching the trailer first.

48. The Laundromat (Steven Soderbergh)- Mary Ann Bernard is a Steven Soderbergh pseudonym, but what if he did hire an outside editor? What if someone saved him from himself? It's hard to believe that Meryl Streep is the heart of the film--if the film's thesis is "The meek will inherit the Earth?"--if we go on a twenty-minute detour to an African family and a ten-minute detour to China. I laughed quite a bit, and I admire the audacity of the ending. But this is a movie that knows what it's about without knowing how to be about it.

47. High Flying Bird (Steven Soderbergh)- As a person who can cite most NBA players' cap figures off the top of my head, I should love High Flying Bird, a movie about a sports agent who tries to topple the system during an NBA lockout. Instead I liked it okay. It takes an hour to kick into high gear, but once it does, some self-contained scenes are powerhouses, and the writer of Moonlight was always going to provide an emotional kick that is sometimes absent from Soderbergh's work. Like Soderbergh's Unsane from last year, High Flying Bird is shot on an iPhone, an appropriate form given that the execution is a do-it-yourself parable that takes place mostly inside. Soderbergh is a man who has always tried to trade the ossified system of moviemaking for experimentation, so most reviews have pointed toward the meta quality of capturing a character doing that same thing in another medium. Like most of his post-retirement work, however, I find myself asking one question: "Would anyone care if this were made by another director?" 46. Piercing (Nicolas Pesce)- Good sick fun with a taste for the theatrical. I saw twist one and twist three coming, but twist two was ingenious. It ends the only way it can, which is okay. 45. Booksmart (Olivia Wilde)- At first the film is hard to acclimate to, stylized as it is into a very specific but absurd setting, counteracted by a very specific and realistic relationship. The music cues are all awful until the Perfume Genius one, which is so perfect that it erases the half-dozen clunkers.But it's smartly funny, funnily warm, and warmly smart. The screenplay does some clever things with swapping the protagonists' wants and needs at crucial times. Molly will have an obvious drive that overrides Amy's fear, and then a few scenes later, there will be an organic reversal. 44. Joker (Todd Phillips)- Joker presents more ideas than it cogently lands. I don't disagree with Amanda Dobbins's burn that it feels more like a vision board than a coherent story. Still, its success kind of fascinates me. This dark provocation, shot on real locations, has way more in common with Phoenix entries like You Were Never Really Here than it does with the DCEU. In fact, the comic book shoehorns feel like intrusions into a story about a guy who likes to Jame Gumb skinny-dance. Dunk on me if you want, but I think it's most eerie and affecting as a portrait of mental illness. Whereas Joker is a criminal mastermind in Batman lore, this is a guy helpless enough to scrawl into a notebook, "The worst part about having a mental illness is pretending to people that you don't." And that idea gets borne out in a scene in which he's pausing and rewinding a tape to study how a talk show guest sits and waves like a regular person. It's rare enough to see a person this mentally ill depicted on screen; it's even rarer to see someone this aware of his own isolation and otherness.

[artificialqueens]

Say You Won’t Let Go Part 4 (Biadore) - Fucking Awful

A/N: As promised, a faster update!

For those joining this party now – here’s the link to the first installments:

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Here we pick up in Summer 2015, 3 months after Part 3. **UPFRONT STYLE WARNING** There is a lot of exposition in the beginning, and one totally convenient moment of flashback. They help explain what’s happening here without dragging the story on forever, so #sorrynotsorry

Oh, and as a reminder, the song: Say You Won’t Let Go

I knew I needed you But I never showed But I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old

Spring 2015.  At first, after what Danny would mentally refer to as “The Florida Fuck-Up,” it was awkward. So awkward. Danny was trying to act normal, like nothing ever happened, but Roy was clearly putting distance between them. It may have looked like everything was okay to the casual observer, but Danny sensed the shift.  

Still, he tried to rationalize it. Sure, Roy didn’t really talk to him the next day at the Orlando show – but obviously he was just exhausted. And it was totally natural that, at his last BOTS show the next night, Roy avoided Danny completely and got ready in a separate dressing room; he probably just wanted to spend the last day getting ready with Michelle. And it only immediately pulled out of a few international dates with Danny and Shane right after – because he was out preparing and kicking off the tour for Rolodex of Hate.

Yup, all of that was totally normal.

Danny resolved that if Roy was going to avoid him, he would avoid Roy. So, he threw himself into a hurricane of work and travel. Danny was going to occupy as much of his own time as the universe would allow – at least for as long as it took to get over whatever the fuck he was feeling, and for Roy to get back to normal.

Luckily it was a very eventful period in his life. Danny started working on his next album, played live music shows across the country, toured for Drag Race around the globe, made new friends with all the Ru girls, shot music videos he was artistically proud of…he even started dating someone new, but more on that later.

Of course, it wasn’t all good – life’s never that easy. In the aftermath of his father’s death, Danny’s own health got a little out of whack from not sleeping. He didn’t want to think to hard about what was keeping him up at night; Danny knew from a few tries at therapy that his relationship with his dad was better left unexamined. The tours were great to distract him, but the pressure to always be “on,” the grueling schedule, and the constant berating from Michelle – and vicious non-fan girls – wore him down. Danny could familiar feelings of depression creeping through his insomnia.

But when things went south, as if like magic, Roy came back. After a month or so of silence, Roy started writing him every single day. The medium would change – Tweets, texts, emails – but it was constant. Didn’t matter if Danny replied or not, Roy worked his way back to being a constant in his life. And all as if everything was cool and casual.

It took Danny some time to get used to that. Their first real conversation was that June, just before Roy’s birthday. He invited Danny on a group trip to Mexico, a vacation to celebrate his 40th birthday. As badly as he wanted to go – to celebrate with Roy, to hug him for the first time in months, to see his half-naked tanned body sparkling in the ocean – he ultimately said no. Alcohol and hotel rooms seemed to spell trouble for the two of them, and Danny couldn’t trust his own limited sense of self control; if he went, there was a 99.9% chance he’d end up pinning Roy against a wall and embarrassing himself yet again.

So instead Danny sent a gift, and a stupid funny card with a made up excuse about recording dates he couldn’t miss. Roy sent him a string of texts that alternated between Bianca angry and legitimately angry – more of the latter when he realized Danny lied. He must have forgiven him quickly, though, because just on the 4th of July Danny got a surprise in the mail.

–

July 2015. For the first time he could remember, there was a package waiting on his front porch on a sunny Saturday. It was a small box – bright red paper, obnoxious bow twice the size of the box itself. Inside a key – not a regular brass or silver one, but one of those ridiculous things with custom images printed on it. This one had Pennywise the Clown stamped all over it. Underneath, there was a note:

If you’d bothered to come to Mexico instead of being a lying piece of shit, you would’ve heard this in person – I’m getting a place in LA, and planning to be there at the end of July and most of August. Housewarming on July 24th. Be there or you’re dead to me, cunt. Address on the back. Love you, pussyfart. 

Danny was thrilled. This was a clear gesture of forgiveness for his admittedly childish behavior – not just for the birthday, but for all of it – and he wasn’t going to wuss out on finally seeing Roy face-to-face. He grabbed his phone and fired off a text.

Danny: Just got your special delivery – admittedly not the kind of package I was hoping to get today, but it’ll do. Wouldn’t miss it for the world, see you in a couple of weeks. Miss you xx

His fingers typed too fast to double check what he wrote. Reading it back, he wondered if the dick joke and the extra “miss you” were mistakes. But his phone pinged before he could think too long about it.

Roy: WOW, I KNEW YOU WERE A LAZY QUEEN BUT I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WANTED DICK DELIVERED TO YOUR DOORSTEP. MENTAL NOTE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. DICKMATES.

As usual Roy wrote it off as a joke. That suited Danny – better a joke than have to unpack any of what was really going on.

But then, another ping.

Roy: CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU. MISS YOU MORE. XX

–

When the party finally rolled around, Danny made sure to come with a crowd. He needed back up if he was going to go in live. Rather than risk being alone with Roy – that was a normal thing for best friends to avoid, right? – Danny made sure to link up with Shane, Justin and Willam for comfort. 

“I can’t believe we finally converted that bitch into an LA queen,” shouted Willam from Courtney’s bathroom. He had just finished de-dragging from a Paint Me Bitch, and was checking for last hints of makeup.

“He hasn’t committed to moving here yet. He just got a place out here.” Courtney responded from the kitchen, pouring a final round of Fireball shots before calling the Uber to leave.

“A spot in New York and one in LA? Please, that $100,000 is gonna run out real soon. 2 months and he’ll be LA only, for sure.” Willam paused to rinse his face. “I’m surprised it even took this long, considering how many time I told him he never would. You know he can’t back away from a challenge – first going on Drag Race at all, then moving to LA. Lord knows fish lips can’t turn down a shot.”

Meanwhile, Justin sat with Danny on the couch as they both scrolled through their phones. Danny could see that the party had already started – Detox and Raja were already sending snaps of Roy’s ridiculously nice apartment and the many beautiful men who had shown up to celebrate it. Danny felt a pang in his chest scrolling through pictures of Roy hugging strangers under the kind of romantic lights he’d strung up on his patio.

Who can afford a private deck  in WeHo?, Danny wondered. He was trying to cover a pang that felt a lot like jealousy.

He snapped out of it when Willam walked out of the bathroom and said, “I’m serious, you could probably get him to suck your dick just by telling him you bet he wouldn’t do it.”

Both Shane and Justin ever so briefly but so obviously stopped what they were doing and glanced at Danny. He tried to ignore the comment and the looks, but Danny could feel his face go beet red in response.

“What the fuck?” Danny had hoped he missed it, but clearly Willam caught their split second looks and his lingering flush. “I ain’t stupid or hallucinating, can someone please tell me what just happened?”

A couple beats of silence. Danny prayed they would just stay quiet; Willam wasn’t known for patience, and he’d likely change the subject if no one took the bait for a good 30 seconds. He managed to lock eyes with Justin and send that psychic message, but unfortunately it was too late to reach Shane.

“Danny doesn’t want to talk about it!”

Fuck that fucking koala twink, I swear to God I’ll flush him backwards down the toilet, Danny thought to himself.

“Goddammit Shane, can you not keep your mouth shut!” Before Danny could react, Justin was laughing in feigned anger and threw a pillow at the blonde bartender. “Seriously, you are un-fucking-believable sometimes!”

“Hey, watch it!” Shane had successfully ducked the pillow, and now chucked it back at Justin. “You almost made me spill perfectly good Fireball. Some of us can’t show up to this party sober, especially if we have to hide long-suffering crushes on our host.” Shane threw the back of his hand across his forehead at the last sentence, laying on the drama for comedic effect.

Shane and Justin both seemed to find this situation just sooo funny. Danny, on the other hand, was NOT amused. He shot is Doc Marten-clad right foot across the couch, kicking Justin right in the shin with all the strength he could muster. Clearly that had been a lot, from the way he yelped in response.

“What the hell, Lask? Did you tell Shane what I told…well I mean what I kind of told…what we talked about on tour?” Danny had made a conscious effort not to reveal anything about his crush to Shane, feeling it would be totally unfair to but the C in the middle of A and B. Justin, his mom and Chris were the only ones who he’d even sort of talked to about Roy, and he felt betrayed that his road homie Alaska would sell him out.

“Oh relax, Danny. I’m blonde, not blind. You love Roy.” Shane grabbed an ice pack out of the freezer and brought it over to Justin, who was rocking his leg back and forth. Danny was about to object, but Shane steamrolled on. “You looooove him. Who do you think tipped Justin off? We all saw how broody you were on BOTS, practically dying of unrequited love. You had to talk to someone if you wouldn’t talk to me, and figured Justin was as good as anybody.”

Justin spoke through gritted teeth. “It’s not like Shane really had to tell any of us in the first place. Watching you two I was surprised you didn’t fuck like rabbits right there on the tour bus floor. Every conversation you felt like it came out of either a romantic comedy or the first 2 minutes of some really bad porn.” Justin was rolling his eyes at the memory.  

Shit, thought Danny. So much for being subtle.

“Alright fuckers, once more for those of us who weren’t on your little tour. What is happening here?” Willam scanned the room, determined to get an answer.  

Shane started. “So Danny has a thing for Roy.”

“Duh, I’m not a dumbass. I already knew that. Everybody knows that.” Willam rolled his eyes, clearly unimpressed by the information.

“What?” The flush was deepening on Danny’s cheeks, making a permanent home there.

“Don’t you read Reddit?” Willam looked at Danny and raised an eyebrow. “Besides, who doesn’t want to fuck him and see if those tired ass ‘big dick and no credit’ jokes are true? Shit, I’ve seen the print in the sweatpants. Everyone going to this party would probably like to take a crack at that.”

“I, uh, think it’s a little more complicated than that. Danny is – “

Justin kept talking, but Danny stopped listening. It was like an out of body experience, astral projection brought on by total mortification.

He could not believe this was really happening. Now all the AAA Girls – God, he hated that stupid name right now – knew the T about his feelings for Roy. Feelings that should be irrelevant, because Danny had a boyfriend now, but that certainly were about to get real relevant, real quickly.

Between Courtney’s well-intentioned blabber mouth, Justin’s inability to lie convincingly, and the notoriously gossipy Willam, there was no way this was going to stay under wraps. Especially not with booze around. Danny was convinced that within the next few hours Roy would know he was in love with him and the whole thing would really crumble. It wouldn’t matter that he’d finally figured out how to move on and just push down his feelings, or that he was making all the effort to be normal with Roy. Danny was only 2 shots of that sugary shitty whiskey in, but he could feel his head getting woozy from the combination of fear, alcohol, and embarrassment.

His reeling mind was interrupted by Shane, who threw an arm around him and squeezed tight. “Danny, babe. Don’t worry about it. Everything is fine. I’m sorry I said anything at all. Your relationship with Roy is your business, nothing to make light of or talk about – unless you want to. Do you want to?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely NOT.” Danny managed to spit out, the laying on a thick layer of resolution to mask the fact that he did want to talk about it. Desperately, in fact. Just not right now. “Besides, I have –“

“Jesus, Court. Of course he doesn’t want to talk about it..” Willam reached across the counter and swatted at the back of Shane’s head. He was not the one Danny expected would come to his rescue in this scenario, but life is full of surprises.

Willam continued. “Come on, if he really is all hung up on Hung-lock then why the fuck would he want to talk about it before we go to his party? And, if I’m not mistaken, Danny has a perfectly hot piece of ass to keep him happy anyway. Who needs to talk about an old crush when you’ve got a boyfriend to suck your dick at night, am I right?”

“Ok, well –“

“Ok, well nothing.” Willam cut Shane off before he could even get out a third word. “Let’s take these shots – Redbull for you, Betty Ford –” he gestured to Justin, “and get our asses to this party. We gotta make it there before Jackie leaves for the Early Bird special.”

Shane passed out the shots, while Willam walked behind him topping off the glasses until they nearly overflowed. Justin cracked open his energy drink and they all took deep swigs. Danny could feel the alcohol running through his system almost immediately – he’d barely eaten that day – and was happy that it was finally starting to have the desired calming effect rather than fueling his worries.

“Good work ladies, warm up your throats for the rest of the night.” Willam wasted no time. “Shane, is the Uber here yet?”

“Yup, he’s pulling up now. Grab the stuff we’re taking over there and meet me downstairs, this driver looks cute and I need five minutes to figure out if he’s gay.” Shane grabbed his keys and bolted out the door. His voice descended down the stairs as he called out, “Don’t forget to lock up behind us!”

“Hold up, I already called dibs on any Uber drivers. Do you not understand the concept of ‘Shotgun’ wherever you’re from?” Justin followed Shane, whining as they walked down the stairs.

“Those fuckers are just trying to get out of carrying this” – Willam gestured to the handles of alcohol they were bringing, and several bags of Roy’s stuff he’d left at all their individual apartments over the last 2 years – “down to the car.”

“Doubt it. Never underestimate the dick-pigging of Courtney Act.” Danny retorted.

“Whatever, as long as she wears protection or you drive her to the clinic. You take those, I’ve got the booze and the door.”

Danny picked up the bags and headed for the open door. But before he could cross the threshold, Willam stepped in and blocked it.

“Look, kid, I know we don’t know each other that well yet. But I swear I won’t say a word about this to Roy or anyone else. Swear on my Dolce, on my IMDb page, on Warner – I ain’t saying shit to nobody.” He cracked a smile, a surprisingly warm gesture based on what Danny knew of Willam so far..

“But, if you ever do want to talk about it with someone who will be real about it and not coddle you…that’s what Justin’s for. He’s the Miranda, I’m Samantha.” He stepped out of the doorway and let Danny through.

Danny walked out, calling over his shoulder, “That’s from like Gossip Girl or something, right?” He galloped carefully down the stairs, laughing while Willam ranted angrily behind him.

“I’ll fucking kill you, you Goddamn fetus!”

–

Danny guessed he had been at the party for 2 hours. Time had never been a strong point of his, so he couldn’t be sure, but based on how hard the new shots of (real) whiskey and series of (strong) tokes he’d taken from a few strangers when he first walked in, he figured it must be about 2 hours.

He’d seen Roy for thirty whole seconds in that entire span, just for a quick hug and cheek kiss when he walked through the door with the AAA girls. Roy made a lame joke about no one ever need a 4th A before flitting off to greet more guests.

No matter, Danny didn’t read anything into it. He couldn’t if he wanted to – see: the liquor and weed. He quickly found himself, Jack & Coke in hand, comfortably lounging in a laid out chair on Roy’s fairy light-littered patio. He was there shooting the shit with Detox, Raja, Justin, Sam (the Uber drive that Shane had talked into joining the party), and some guy named John who was clearly D’s trade for the evening. Willam and Shane were off singing karaoke and trying to pretend – not very well, in Danny’s opinion – that they weren’t fucking each other.

“Danny, babe, how’s the music coming?” Raja was packing a bowl so that he could properly smoke.

He closed his eyes and let out a little hum. “Right, I haven’t seen you in a few months have I? Um, it’s going really well. I like the direction these producers are letting me take it, I’m just finalizing some of the first few tracks now.” Raja had put him in his happy place, talking about his work.

“That’s great, brujita. You’re gonna make something really, really great. I know it.” Raja lit the pipe and took a drag, giving Detox a chance to chime in.

“So what’s your vibe on this one? Are you gonna keep up the party thing, or –“

Danny could talk about his music forever. “Nah, not really. I mean, I still want to keep some of that stuff in there, because I know people love it and I know I can do it, but this whole thing is about range for me.” He took the pipe from Raja for a quick hit before continuing.

“They’re letting me write pretty much everything, which is so fucking rad. I’ve got the upbeat tracks in production, and I’m writing some, like, real sexy stuff right now. What I need is something really dark, something kind of angsty. Like painful, grunge-y stuff – very that.” Danny paused for a beat, reflecting on his own writer’s block.

“But I’m having trouble getting that to come out as easy. It’s like I have this – “ Danny raised his hands around his head “ – brain block. I can’t get anything out that feels real. Like, real real. Not fake sad stuff.”

Another pause to shake his head, and run his fingers through his hair – one of his many nervous tells. “But I think I really need that, you know? Something that really chokes your soul. I want to make this some career defining, Nevermind type shit with this album.”

Satisfied he’s gotten his point across, Danny took the pipe back for a third hit in as many minutes. He let his words settle across the group until he heard it.

“Um, what’s Nevermind?” It was that twinky little John kid, looking around the group for any kind of clue as to what Danny was talking about. Raja and Sam laughed, Detox looked mortified, and Danny was ready to pounce. How the fuck could a grown adult not know about Nirvana?

Justin jumped in before Danny could launch into a tirade on Kurt Cobain. “Uh, D, I think you should take the zygote home before Danny goes full Courtney Love or lectures us on the significance of flannel.”

Detox hopped up and grabbed John by the hand, escorting him away from the circle before Danny could formulate his thoughts into a coherent history lesson.

“Anyway…” Sober Justin had a knack for steering conversations for his less than sober friends. “You shouldn’t push yourself to write anything you don’t feel. Just let it flow.” He reached over and squeezed Danny’s hand. 

“I mean, it must be hard to to write something sad when your life is going so great, right?!” For the first time since they’d gotten out of the car, Danny heard Sam speak.

On their drive over, he’d made it very clear that he was a huge Drag Race fan – huge enough not to charge them – and spent the 30 traffic-heavy, car-bound minutes talking about how much he loved each of them and his theories on the show. It was a combination of the free ride, full-out nerd-fest – bordering somewhere between endearing and terrifying – and the fact that you could see his abs through his t-shirt and the cardigan on top of it that made Justin invite him to join the party. The guy had just been following him around all night, staring in awe at him – the Alaska effect, Danny called it. He had honestly forgotten that Sam could even speak.

“What are you talking about? You don’t know me like that.” Danny was confused, and his confusion often manifested itself as defensive. 

“I – um,” Sam was visibly a little bit shooketh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like I was…I just mean, it must be hard to write something sad when you’re on top of the world! Like, your last album did so well, you have all these fans…” The poor kid was clearly freaking out, and he just kept getting more animated in his adoration for Adore as he went on.

“Your music videos are sickening, and like everyone around the world wants you to come play in these huge cities, and you’re working on a new album…and on top of that, you have an incredibly hot boyfriend! Like, seriously, you have the best life ever.”

Oh right, my boyfriend. Danny hadn’t thought about Joshua all night, maybe even all day. Certainly not since the earlier conversation about Roy.

Truth be told, Joshua was a boyfriend that basically fell into Danny’s lap at the right place and time…

*Flashback – early April  2015.  It was a couple of weeks after the tour ended, when he was still trying every possible thing to get his mind off what happened with both his family and with Roy. A tall, handsome, dark-skinned stranger approached Danny in a Starbucks. He was shocked at first, surprised that someone would have the balls to hit on a stranger in broad daylight in the world of Grindr and DMs…until Joshua explained that he was looking for the laptop charger he’d left plugged in at the table Danny was now occupying. He collected his belongings and left. Danny looked on in total mortification, until Joshua turned around seconds later to properly introduce himself and ask for his number.

Joshua was a PhD candidate, working on his Doctorate in Social Work, who spent a lot of time writing his thesis in that Starbucks. He and Danny both loved video games, the old Batman movies, and tattoo artistry. Their first official date rolled from meeting back at the Starbucks, to roaming The Last Bookstore, to dinner at In-N-Out, to sneaking into the Cinespia showing of Heathers. It ended with a passionate make-out in front of Danny’s apartment, and by their third date they were fucking in between viewings of cult classics and class or the studio.

*Present/Back at Roy’s party. From that first meeting, it was all downhill. It helped that Joshua was buried in his own work the same way Danny as buried in his. He never made Danny feel guilty for long days of recording or late night gigs, because at the same time he was in TA-ing or volunteering or working on his research. The complementary schedules and the complementary interests made it all so…easy.

But easy was getting boring, at least to Danny. They were both so busy that they were seeing each other less and less, and when they did it was just old habits and repeated conversations that didn’t require much effort. In the last few weeks he realized how much he cared for Joshua, but also that he needed more. More spark, more touch, more affection, more fire. He figured Joshua must feel the same way, but be too shy to bring it up. And so Danny had made a concerted effort to get what he wanted.

This week, Joshua was in Mexico with his PhD friends, shoulders deep in frozen margaritas and tanning oil to celebrate end of semester. Before he left, Danny had talked to him about taking their own vacation sometime soon; he hoped that could bring some of the more he was looking for. Joshua hadn’t said much about it, but promised they’d talk about it when he got back. To keep himself excited, Danny was sending him photos and lists of places they could go.  

All this to keep the spark alive, and to show Joshua he was taking their relationship seriously. To prove he could have a real relationship without any real resolution to his feelings for Roy. To prove he could just put his crush on Roy behind him and get behind a tall, muscular, sweet guy like Joshua instead…

“How do you know Danny’s boyfriend is hot?” Raja’s half laughing, half startled voice brought Danny’s mind floating back into the conversation. “Or that he has a boyfriend at all?”

“Twitter, Instagram, all that shit.” Sam responded as if it was so obvious. “That hot guy has been in the background of all his posts and Snapchat stories for, like, months. He’s your boyfriend, right Danny?”

“Uh, yeah. I mean, he’s my – yeah, he’s my boyfriend. Was it really that obvious?” Danny didn’t realize he’d made Joshua such a thing on his social media.

“Well, yeah, I mean at least for people like me who are on watch.”

“Watch for what?” Justin piped in.

“All Stars 2, duh.” Justin froze for half a second, pausing mid-sip of his Redbull so quickly that it was imperceptible. “We all know it’s gonna happen, and sometime soon, so we’re watching out to see if any of you guys go dark because you’re off shooting it.”

“And who exactly is is this ‘we’?” Justin asked, looking a little concerned. “Is there some cult of Drag Race out there trying to – “

He was interrupted by a foghorn of a voice – a voice that still shot fireflies through Danny’s body.

“Who cares. It doesn’t matter, they’re barking up the wrong tree if they think any of you losers are gonna get an All Stars call.” With that, Roy plopped down into the seat next to Danny. “No one would watch that fucking show. I mean, I love them, but we all know just how charitable I – “

“Oh my God, it’s been like a year! Can you please get a new joke?!” The words spilled out of Danny’s mouth before he could stop them. He only hoped it came out funnier than the snide, cutting way he’d meant it.

Danny couldn’t see it, but Roy flinched. Roy could always tell when he was serious. But all Danny heard was his half-joking Bianca response.

“Well I’d ask you guys to write some for me, but for that you’d have to be literate.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Danny rolled his eyes and smiled. “Seriously, get some new material. That shit doesn’t age well, and I don’t just mean yo’ face.” As he teased Roy, Danny relaxed into the small but conscientious space left between them. He settled into his favorite position: leaning into Roy’s left side, head lightly nestled on the crook of his neck, right hand resting just above his left knee. It was a position that calmed him, cleared his mind and made everything ok. Danny had half-sat / half-snuggled that way at least a thousand times on the show and on tour, it was so ingrained in his muscle memory that it he’d done it without noticing.

What he also didn’t notice, all of which happened in the blink of an eye: The hitch and then slowing of Roy’s breath. Justin looking at them with a smile. Raja’s cocked eyebrow. And Sam expression of confusion and glee.

Sam’s voice brought Danny back to reality. “Are you kidding? Everyone would die to see Alaska and Adore back on Drag Race.”

Luckily, he didn’t have to stay there long. “Adore DeLaska would crush All Stars 2, no question. The dream team.”

With the mention of teams and All Stars, Sam had managed to fully redirect the conversation. Justin, Roy, Raja and Sam started debating the merits of the team systems in the first All Stars, quickly devolving into loud argument about why Manila, Latrice or Nina Flowers were robbed. The volume drew people over to join them – Willam and Shane after a quick make-out, Detox after sending his boy home, and some other friends – enough that Danny didn’t have to participate. Instead he could stay silently snuggled up, letting the smoke and whiskey swirl, looking up at the fairy lights, and feeling the buzz of Roy’s chest every time he spoke or laughed.

This was their normal, how their friendship had been before Danny fucked it up. It was exactly what he’d hoped for.

–

Time passed. Again, Danny couldn’t tell exactly how much, but gun-to-his-head he would guess another hour. He was getting so sleepy, eyelids so heavy he couldn’t stop them from drooping. It was too comfortable nestled in Roy to move or try to stay awake.

But his vibrating ass slowly drew him out of the twilight. Really it was the vibrating phone in his back pocket, but in that moment it just felt like his butt cheeks were dancing.  

What really pulled him out of the daze was Roy’s hand – the hand that seconds before had been gently thumbing circles on his forearm – gripping his bicep to shake him awake. “Hey, Sleeping Beauty. You awake? Your ass is ringing.”

Danny didn’t want to answer. Whoever it was, they should know better to call him at 1:30am on a Saturday night. “Ugh, just leave it. Who the fuck is calling me right now, anyway?”

“I bet it’s your boyfriend!” Sam, again.

“Your what?!” This time it was Roy who sounded angry, hoping it would come off as funny. Danny missed it entirely – all he heard was boyfriend.

“My wha – Oh. Oh! Joshua.” Danny was awake now. Joshua hadn’t actually called him all week – just one word responses to all Danny’s texts – and he didn’t want to miss his first call in four days. He hopped off the oversized chair with surprising agility and sped off, missing the upset and baffled look on Roy’s face. He walked straight through the apartment and out the front door, the only quiet place he could think of. He banked on the door not locking behind him.

Alone and able to focus on his phone, Danny checked the call log. 3 missed calls from Joshua, and a couple of texts.

The first, before he called.

Joshua: Hi. Can you talk?

The second, after two missed calls.

Joshua: Danny, call me.

A third, just a few minutes before the last ring.

Joshua: Where are you? I need to talk to you.

Danny panicked. Something was wrong. Joshua was stranded or kidnapped or sick – it just wasn’t right. He immediately called back, but after a few rings there was no answer. He dialed again. And again. And a fourth time.

After four calls, he resorted to his own texts.

Danny: Babe, I’m soo o so sorty!

His own mistake-laden drunk texts. They flowed in a fast wave.

Danny: At Roys party. Couldn’t here phone. Vibezrate.

Danny: Whats happening? R u ok?

Danny: Are u safe? I cn sent help or send $#$$ just come get u yself.

Danny: Tell me ur ok!?!

Immediately there were bubbles. He’s alive. He can type. Danny allowed the thoughts of relief to calm him slightly.

Joshua: Yeah, I’m fine. You’re at a party?

Danny: Kinda. Roy’s. House warm thing.

Joshua: Ok, let’s talk about this later then. Have fun tonight.

Danny: Nooeeooz! Call me! I miss u!

Danny dialed him again, but there was no answer.

Joshua: Seriously Danny, let’s just talk tomorrow.

Danny wasn’t taking no for an answer. He called again – no answer. And again – straight to voicemail, it didn’t even ring.

Danny: Pick up! Pick up pick up!

No bubbles, no response.

Danny: Com on JOhua, I mss u! Want to talk to u.

Danny: Want to show off my boyfriend

Danny: Thy saw u on my Snaps nd stuff they know you’r cute, I wanna show you off!

And then, suddenly, there were bubbles. Long bubbles. Three actual minutes of bubbles, but to Danny it felt like hours. Why the text message took so long to send became immediately clear.

Joshua: Danny, I - Maybe this is just easier to say now. I can’t do this anymore. When we started this, I told you I was looking for something casual and easy. There’s too much going on in my life with school and work and my little brother moving out here… I thought you understood that. But obviously not, you’re talking about taking trips together and calling me your boyfriend – we never even talked about that! Christ, I’m on your social media and you’re telling strangers before we even talk about it. My friends  just showed me all the posts, I feel like I just got fucking ambushed. I just can’t handle this right now. I think you’re so great, but I can’t be anybody’s boyfriend right now and I can’t make a commitment to  you.

Before Danny could finish reading the paragraph, two more texts came through.

Joshua: You should have someone who loves you the way you want them to.

Joshua: But that won’t be me.

Danny was actually dumbstruck. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t blink, he didn’t even know how he was breathing. The only think he was consciously doing was replaying the words “But that won’t be me” over and over and over on a CNN crawl.

After a few brief moments of paralysis, Danny tried to call Joshua. He was convinced he could talk his way out of this.

No answer on the first try. He was psyching himself up to call again, reassuring himself that he could get Joshua back – when he realized he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

Think this through, he forced himself to pause. Was he, Daniel Noriega, really going to beg for a man who didn’t want him? Joshua was right, really. He deserved someone who loved him the way he wanted to be loved. And anyway, hadn’t he spent the last few weeks worrying about getting the spark back? Maybe there was no spark to begin with. Maybe easy – what Joshua wanted, and what Danny found boring – was all they were.

Easy was never going to be enough for Danny. Ever since he was 5 years old and saw that ridiculous Olsen twins’ movie It Takes Two, he always knew he was going to need that “can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love.” Joshua had probably just saved him from doing what he always did: trying to make more out of relationships than was actually there.

Really, this is a good thing. Danny thought to himself. His brain knew it, but is heart still heart. He felt the lingering sensation of the wind being knocked out of him, and his eyes seemed to be watering of their own volition. No matter how ‘good’ this was, it didn’t dull the pain of raw, total rejection. Memorialized forever in a text message, no less.

After a taking a few minutes to process, Danny knew then that it was time to start moving. Just like after Florida, he went in search of something to distract from the growing (emotional) wound in his chest. He called this ‘shark mode’ – swim or die.

He made a beeline for the group he’d left just 15 or 20 minutes before, hoping to snatch Roy away from the conversation. Danny could use him as a diversion – seize the moment to properly catch up with his best friend and talk until he went numb or he went home, which ever came first.

But Roy was nowhere to be found – not in the chair he’d left him in, not anywhere else on the patio.

“D – “ Danny slid up alongside Detox, who reached an arm around his shoulders and hugged him immediately.

“Hey baby girl, you ok? Your eyes look a little…” Detox pulled an unpleasant face, but still managed to look concerned for his friend.  

Danny could guess why. He knew his emotions had gotten the better of him and that he’d cried just a little, probably making the little bit of eyeliner he had on run, but he didn’t really care.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m fine.” Danny flashed a half-fake smile. “Do you know where Roy went?”

“Yeah, he walked away right after you got up. Looked like he was going inside. Listen, you sure you’re ok?” Clearly Danny hadn’t been very convincing.

“Yeah, yeah. Totally fine. I’ll just – where did he go?”

Then, a voice from the chair below them. It was Shane. “I think I saw him go into the kitchen, babe. What’cha need?”

“I need to – I need – where’s the kitchen?”

“Inside the apartment, first door on the left.” Shane pointed vaguely towards the patio doors.

“Thanks, I’ll be right back.” Danny took off for the door. He was of singular mind: Find Roy. Talk to Roy. Roy will make this better.

When Danny found the kitchen, he was stopped dead in his tracks by an image that would burn in his brain for months – far longer than any text from Joshua.

There was a handsome blonde man standing next to Roy at the double kitchen sink, laughing very close to each others’ faces. The water was running, both tubs were filling with bubbles, and they appeared to be washing some of the dishes from the party. Danny had seen the other guy around – the friend in the background of WeHo girls’ photos, that’s how he recognized him – and guessed he was somewhere in his mid-30s. He was wearing a tight white t-shirt that highlighted his tan, and from his laughing smile Danny could see that he had equally bright white teeth.

And then, as Danny hovered at the door before interrupting, it happened: Handsome Blonde Man dropped the sponge he was holding and grabbed Roy’s face instead, pulling him in from laugh to kiss. Danny was sure that Roy was going to swat him away – that he’d be grossed out by the soapy water, or shocked that this guy had so suddenly made a move – but he didn’t. Roy threw the dishtowel on the ground, grabbed Handsome Blonde Man by the waist, and backed him against the counters behind them. He deepened the kiss as he did so, taking it from surprise peck to full on make-out. Hands started to wander, Danny saw Roy’s hand go into HBM’s hair as HBM’s hand inched towards the hem of Roy’s shirt –

It was too much. Danny slammed his eyes shut, whipped silently back into the hallway, and took very quiet steps away from the kitchen until he was sure he would be out of ear shot. He ended up in Roy’s sewing room, which was thankfully had no windows to the patio, crouching by a dress form.

And then he cried.

Not silent little tears. Not pretty fat mascara drops. Ugly, wheezing, shaking, as much dry heaving as anything else – real crying. He was desperately using his hands to muffle whatever sound he could, barely snorting in enough air to blow it back out in sobs.

Breathe. You have to breathe. Danny was trying to coach himself out of this.

In for 2, out for 2. In for 2, out for 2. Counting wasn’t helping.

You can’t let them hear you. You can’t let him hear you. Fear wasn’t helping either.

Why are you even crying anyway? Is this about Joshua? Or is it because… Danny knew he needed to stop his train of thought quickly.

Luckily, a wild Willam appeared.

“Danny what the fuck is that noise, did you already find somebody to fu—Oh shit.” Willam squatted down alongside Danny and threw his arms around him. “Hey kid, what’s going on? Breathe, breathe, breathe.” He started rocking Danny back and forth, trying to calm him down.

 Knowing he’d have to explain eventually, Danny decided to just start lying now. Through sobs at every pause, he was able to spit out half the truth: “I – I just got – text – Ro – I mean, Joshua – Josh - Joshua just broke up with me – on – a fucking – text message.”

“Ah fuck that little shit. Fuck him in his stupid face. Where he at in Mexico? I’ll go down there and kill him.”

He appreciated the protectiveness of his new-ish friend. Again, he spoke between sobs. “No – it’s – it’s ok. – Don’t – Just leave it.” Danny was starting to calm down, and was able to string together full sentences without yelping. “It’s not his fault. He did the right thing.” He wiped away some of his tears.

“Ok, so if that’s true then why are you over here crying like Mufasa just died?”

Danny knew he would just have to ramble his way out of this one. Talking endlessly usually got him out of most sticky situations. “Umm –“ But he was drawing a blank.  

“I’m guessing it has less to do with that boyfriend and more to do with your other one. The one who’s in the kitchen right now about to get his dick sucked by a good-looking blonde dude?”

With that, the floodgates opened back up. Danny was back in the throws of tears, shaking and gasping as he curled into a ball.

“Oh, sweetie.” Willam dropped his coated exterior for just a moment. “Shh, shh. It’s ok, let’s get you outta here. Wipe your face, I’ll call you an Uber. Do you want me to go with you? I can get Shane or Jus –“

“No.” Danny wasn’t going to let anyone else into this. “No – I’m – I’ll be – I’ll be fine. Uber is good. I can go al – I can go alone. Just, p – please don’t tell them why I left?” He hoped Willam could keep his mouth shut again.

“You got it boo.” He was already fiddling with his Uber app. “But I gotta tell ‘em something. Can I use the actual boyfriend thing as cover?”

Danny couldn’t tell if he was joking, but he figured everyone would have to find out anyway. Might as well let someone else tell it for him. “Sure, f – fine. Just not –“

“Don’t worry, secret’s safe with me. Now let’s get you up and outta here before you cry on one of these dresses and Haylock comes to murder-suicide you, Shakespeare-style.”

Danny half laughed, half sobbed. Star-crossed lovers was starting to sound about right. Willam helped him up and out the door, fast enough that no one could’ve seen. Danny was grateful for that.

He was still crying when he got into the Uber, but now the wild sobbing had subsided and he was able to reasonably mask the tears from the driver. Letting them flow in silence, he texted Willam.

Danny: Can’t say thank you enough for getting me out of there and covering for me. Muchisimas gracias

Willam: Bitch, I don’t speak Spanish – the fuck you say? Anyway, anytime. Had to take care of my best girl’s best girl.

Danny: Ha, right. Shane’s lucky, glad you know we know.

Willam: We’re not fooling anyone. But I am, right now – story’s already spreading that you went home because of your dipshit boyfriend who broke up with you over a stupid text message. Reasons include: he’s actually straight, he’s ashamed of his small dick, he couldn’t handle you, he’s dying in 6 weeks…

Danny: THANK YOU.

In the midst of their conversation, texts started flowing through from friends at the party.

Shane: DANNY! DANNY! ADORM. I’m so sorry, love. Willam just told us what happened. Are you ok? Call me in the morning xx

Detox: Babe, just heard from Justin. I’ll castrate that Joshua dude in his sleep. Where is he staying in Mexico? Send me his Twitter handle.

Justin: Willam told us about the text. Get some rest. We’ll come by in the morning. Love you, Adore Cilantro.

Raja: Casting spells on that motherfucker tonight, his dick is gonna be real small now.

They kept rolling in – from friends at the party, friends of friends at the party, even his cousin. He had to beg Johnny not to say anything to his mom before he could call her in the morning.

By 4am everything quieted down. But one text never came, the one he kept hoping he would see: one from Roy. That didn’t come through until noon the next day.

Roy: Baby girl, I just heard what happened last night. Sorry, I had to turn in early last night and I missed all the action. Call me if you want to talk about it. Love you.

It was late, and it was a lie. And it made Danny cry all over again.

Danny: No worries, B. Fucking idiot wasn’t worth my time anyway.

–

A week later, Handsome Blonde Man started making regular appearances in Roy’s social media posts.

3 days after that, Danny got the call to do All Stars 2. Roy was the first person he told – via text.

2 days before he left, another package showed up on Danny’s doorstep. Red paper, giant bow. Inside was a black dress – long sleeves, sequins, above the knee. Pinned to it was a note:

Something as beautiful as you are talented. Go kick some ass, pussyfart! We’re rooting for you. Love you xx

Underneath the note was a photo of Roy and HBM, wearing Adore Delano t-shirts.

And it made Danny cry all over again.

—

[recentanimenews]

THE GREAT CRUNCHYROLL NARUTO REWATCH Has Come To An End!

  Welcome back to the final edition of THE GREAT CRUNCHYROLL NARUTO REWATCH. I'm your host this week, Daniel Dockery, and after 200+ of episodes of high stakes ninja battles, low stakes ninja filler, and medium stakes ninja fart jokes, we've come to the end of Naruto. Every week since the beginning of the year, we've watched seven episodes of the show and every week, we've come together to discuss our feelings on them. Whether we were basking in the wonderful glow of Rock Lee or begging to be done with another filler escort mission, we did it together. We're like a family that gathers on a weekly holiday to complain about Sasuke. That's truly a family that we should all aspire to have.

    But it is now over, which means that it's time for reflection. It's time to look at the series as a whole and see what we liked most, what we got out of the whole experience, and what we want in the future. If this was a movie, "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" by Green Day would be playing as the school year ends. We'd all give each other hugs and cry a little bit and then Joe Luster (played by Miles Teller, probably) would say something like "Same time next week?" and we'd chuckle, because it's only kind of a joke. We'll be starting a few new series soon before we jump into Shippuden, and you'll just have to wait to find out what they are.

We're gonna START this week with the HIGHS and LOWS from the last few episodes:

Joseph: The high point for me was seeing this series of corny battles wrap up and finally, FINALLY send us packing toward Shippuden. The low point was... I just can't believe this filler story was the finale.

  Kara: The high was the very end... seeing how far Naruto and everyone else have come both in their own skills and their estimations of each other. I think I mentioned before, but it's wild to realize we've gone from "tie Naruto to a post and make him skip lunch because he failed that hard" to his peers talking completely unsarcastically about trying to measure up to him. Low point was the fact that I couldn't focus when I realized this series was going out on a story where Naruto tries to teach Japanese Merlin the power of friendship or whatever.

  Kevin: High - I actually kind of liked the last scene or two, where everyone realizes that Naruto's about to leave with Jiraiya, and Naruto stops for a ramen lunch with Iruka before heading out. It's a nice bit of counterpoint to the beginning of the series, showing how Naruto's succeeded in getting people to recognize and accept him.

Low - Gaara's basically out of chakra to the point that the enemy doesn't think he can even fight. Clearly that means he has just enough power left for three major attacks, the likes of which we've either never seen or would almost certainly exhaust him if he were at full strength. I guess this arc really is taking ideas from Shippuden, because willpower is apparently more of a factor in battle than actual physical limitations.

Dishonorable mention - Admittedly, I don't think anyone ever explicitly stated how Gaara's sand works, but I was always under the impression that Shukaku was in control, or at least powering it, rather that Gaara using his own chakra. Also, when I heard that the armor absorbed chakra, my first thought was that Lee was a great match, because Taijutsu doesn't use chakra. I guess I was wrong. Either that, or the people writing this last arc were making some assumptions about how Naruto works.

  Carolyn: I would have to agree; watching everyone actually care about Naruto leaving was very sweet. He's spent so much time caring for his friends and feeling like an outcast and now he's found a family. That's a definite high point. My low point would be the fact that the final episodes weren't really about Naruto at all. They were about Gaara. Which, while I like Gaara, seems like a weird choice.

  Jared: That last bit with Naruto leaving was real good. Seeing how everyone was reacting to him heading off with Jiraiya, although it's kind of funny that Jiraiya gives him the whole spiel about training and it takes him 80+ episodes for him to actually do it. There was also a small scene where I liked how Neji was basically trying to wingman for Hinata by having them stop training so she could see Naruto off. Low point would be just how bland the final villains were for this last arc.

    Noelle: I'm with everyone else, Naruto leaving was definitely my high point. After all, this is his home, and he's leaving all he's familiar with in a bet to possibly get stronger. It isn't just hollow either, because he has people who will miss him and come see him off. It's very touching, especially considering how Naruto has always been framed as being alone. Low point... this last arc felt so dull? Surprising, considering I adore Gaara but I really wasn't feeling it.

  Paul: My high point is the realization that Sakura's Medical Ninja training consists of using her Chakra to revive progressively larger and more expensive fish. My low point is related: Sakura and Ino have now both been relegated into roles as healers. I think Kara previously brought this up many, many episodes ago: that sort of power, while crucial, is a fundamentally reactive power rather than a pro-active power. I worry that going into Shippuden, the girls will still be playing second fiddle to the boys.

  Danni: The high point for me was the final few scenes. Seeing Naruto say his goodbyes to the Leaf Village while everyone else vows to get stronger as well got me real excited for the impending timeskip. I really can't wait to see how much they've grown when Shippuden begins. The low point for me was how underwhelming the villains turned out to be. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish this arc had been longer so there could be more time to flesh out the Artisan Village and the Four Celestials. The inexplicably magical Voltron armor gets an honorary mention.

  David: My low point is similar to last week: despite liking everyone involved in this arc, all the best parts mostly felt like the show nudging my shoulder and asking if I remember this cool stuff from forever ago. High point seems to be echoing most everyone else: finally saying goodbye before we come back to see how everyone has changed.

Welp, that's it, y'all. How are you feeling? Relieved that it's over? Ready for a break? Eager for Shippuden? Frantically writing Sasuke fan fiction?

Joseph: I'm somewhere in the middle. I'd say I'm eager for a little bit of a break, but I also desperately want to wash this taste out of my mouth with some sweet, sweet, main storyline action in Shippuden. I wanna watch Naruto get good again!

  Kara: It's about the same for me. As excited as I am about Shippuden, that was a lot of filler and I need a few minutes.

  Kevin: Honestly, I'm ready to go to start Shippuden. Throughout this rewatch, I kept remembering just how much changes between the two series. Naruto starts with actual ninja techniques and ends up with Naruto being accepted by the other genin and a selection of higher ups. Shippuden starts with Naruto trying to save a world leader, and (without spoiling too much) ends with fights to save the planet and a war that takes over 200 episodes.

  Carolyn: I'm very happy to have a break in between Naruto episodes.

    Jared: It's going to be real weird not having Naruto in my weekly schedule, but I think a break is going to be good. I'm pretty excited to get back to non-filler writing though.

  Noelle: I have been in filler jail for so long, I'll take that break.

Paul: I'm ready to move on to Shippuden, and I've even added it to my queue. When I was in college, among my social circle, Naruto was held in low regard. People treated it as a series for babies, and being a Naruto fan was synonymous with having questionable (or at least very "basic") taste. I never thought I'd pick it up so many years later, or that I'd enjoy it as much as I have.

Danni: I'm not gonna lie, as soon as I finished episode 220, I considered secretly starting Shippuden right away anyway. It's been the light at the end of the filler tunnel for me for so long that I'm actually bummed I can't dive right into it just yet. I just bought my first Naruto t-shirt from the Crunchyroll Store, and now I have to wait to break it in until [redacted].

David: Despite the last few months of disappointing filler, the actual show up until the retrieval arc turned out to be some of the most fun I've had watching anime every week, so count me in with those who kind of wish we were just going straight into Shippuden.

  What is one character that you desperately wish had been given more to do?

Joseph: I would have liked more Kakashi in these filler storylines. The fact that it was a shocker when he occasionally showed up speaks volumes. Instead it felt like we were getting the same or very similar teams on each mission.

  Kara: Hinata. She got to do some awesome stuff, granted, but I'm so tired of her one line being "Naruto-kun..." I mean I know how they end up, and it's kind of a gateway spoiler for even knowing what Boruto is about. But considering her capabilities, it's a little annoying to see her constantly fall into the role of Girl Who Likes Naruto instead of that being, you know, just one of her things. Because it's okay to have a crush on a boy. It's okay to have an embarrassing crush on a boy. It happens. But I'd love that to be an aspect instead of a good chunk of her identity.

  Kevin: Tenten, absolutely. She's a bit of an obvious choice, since most people know the joke about how little screen time she gets, but her abilities are legitimately interesting and could be extremely versatile, she's just not given any time to show off her prowess.

  Carolyn: S A K U R A

  Jared: Basically any of the girls. I don't know if the last bit with Ino was an actual tie-in to what happens in Shippuden, but to have her just do the same thing as Sakura really feels like a "hey we have no clue what to do with you" type moment.

    Noelle: We all know that Kishimoto is really not good at writing women, but it just stands out so, so much with Sakura. She has a couple of moments and that's it, versus Naruto and Sasuke who are consistent all throughout. Give her something to do, it's not that hard. Please.

Paul: My first instinct is to say Kakashi, but I'll echo the others and say Sakura, and I'll add a little Hinata into the mix. I'd like to see them given a chance to shine, too. Sakura and Hinata have had a few iconic moments, but not to the same degree as Neji, Choji, and Kiba, who not only got dramatic death scenes but also got to survive their heroic sacrifices by pure plot fiat.

Danni: As much as I missed Kakashi in all this filler, I'm gonna have to go with Sakura as well. Despite being one of the three main characters, she's done next to nothing at all. Her main roles have been victim and healer, which are some really disappointing tropes to fall into when writing a female character.

David: It feels weird to say this since everyone including me loves him, but Rock Lee actually? After his big moment he gets relegated to a hospital bed with no discernible improvements made until suddenly he's ok now, I guess. I wish that were handled a little more gracefully.

Have any favorite moments from the series? Favorite fight scenes? Favorite quotes? What sticks out to you as the curtain (momentarily) closes on Naruto and His Amazing Friends?

Joseph: I miss the tournament arcs during exams. Those were really fun, and it was always exciting to see who would emerge victorious and how the animators would handle it. For sheer animated splendor, though, I have to go with the battles during the whole attack on Konohagakure village.

  Kara: As messed up as their individual stories can be (especially Jiraiya), I really love the older generation. I like the feeling - not just the feeling, the fact - that the story didn't just magically begin with Naruto, and that there are several levels of information we're still unpacking. My favorite moments tended to touch on those multigenerational elements in some way.

  Kevin: If I had to pick a single high point in the series, something that would be an exemplar of how good Naruto can be when it isn't bogged down by endless filler, I would probably go with Naruto's Rasengan training into the Kabuto fight. It shows off Naruto's dedication, ingenuity, and willingness to put himself in harm's way in a fight to save those he cares about, and also opens up the world more by revealing some of the history of the Leaf. It's not quite as emotional as some of the character deaths, like Zabuza and Haku or the Third Hokage, but it showcases some of the best aspects of the show in quick succession.

  Carolyn: I think I'll always be partial to Rock Lee training outside the hospital. He's such a good boy.

  Jared: I came into this knowing relatively little about the series and leave knowing that Rock Lee is the best boy. That fight against Gaara is just something else, even if that was one of things things I actually knew coming in. When this show is good, it's amazing, which is kinda hard to remember when you're locked in filler jail.

  Noelle: I think overall, my impressions stayed fairly consistent from when I first watched it to now. I think I definitely enjoyed the Chunin arc more, since I thought it dragged when I was young, and I really appreciate Rock Lee. I can't believe I used to think Rock Lee was annoying, this kid rules.

  Paul: My favorite moment is still the scene where, while training with Sakura and Sasuke under Kakashi, Naruto gets caught in a rope trap, escapes from it, then immediately gets caught in another rope trap. Another scene that really stuck with me was when Naruto and Sasuke teamed up against Zabuza and together they hide Naruto (disguised as a shuriken) in the shadow of another shuriken. Finally, a phrase that stuck with me is: "A ninja is one who endures." That phrase is the thesis statement for what defines heroes and villains in the world of Naruto.

      Danni: The battle between Naruto and Sasuke in the Final Valley, for sure. Their relationship is the backbone of the entire show in my opinion, and that fight was an incredible turning point and moment of understanding between them. It also just looked really freaking cool.

  David: The scene where Sakura tries one last time to stop Sasuke from leaving. It's sort of understated but there is a lot of emotional complexity going on there, down to her 'confession' hail mary that is completely ineffective. The show isn't usually great at writing women, or even emotions in general that aren't loud and clear, but that's definitely a place it got things right and sticks out to me even now.

I want you to sum up your experience with Naruto in three words.

Joseph: Always Craving Ramen.

  Kara: My Queen Tsunade.

  Kevin: Ninja wizard president.

  Carolyn: I like Naruto?

  Jared: So much ramen.

  Noelle: Power of friendship.

Paul: Not Kid's Stuff.

Danni: Only just beginning.

David: Please less filler.

    What advice would you give to someone that hasn't watched Naruto but plans to try?

    Joseph: Don't be stubborn. Listen to what longtime fans say about the filler and don't bother with it. Don't feel the need to absorb every bad episode and just follow the main story through both this and Shippuden. Failing that, read the manga.

  Kara: I know the main advice is "seriously, skip the filler," but my friend circles are made up of a lot of completionists and telling them to skip it would just make them watch it harder. So whatever. Honestly, even without the filler, Naruto has highs and lows. So I guess I'd say don't expect all 220 episodes to be fried gold, but enjoy it as a chill watch and just appreciate when those really solid stories come along.

  Kevin: If they already want to start, my advice would be to binge the first season to get to the Zabuza arc. The earliest stuff is important, but not necessarily the most interesting. If I need to show them something to convince them to watch, then I'd probably recommend the Chunin Exams. Some of the details might be confusing, but it's some of the best self-contained storytelling in the show.

My general advice is honestly to go back and keep pace with the Rewatch if you want to watch the entire show. There are over 200 episodes, around half being filler, so you're not going to watch the entire show over a weekend. The Rewatch keeps a brisk pace that gets through all of the less interesting bits without going so quickly that you accidentally skip the emotional resonance of the better arcs. If they just want to watch those better arcs and skip the likes of Filler Jail, then watch from around the Genin Exam or Land of Waves arc to episode 130 or so (it'll be obvious when the filler starts).

  Carolyn: Yeah, skip the filler. Watch until Sasuke leaves and call it a day.

  Jared: You don't have to watch all of the filler. There's certainly a few arcs that if you wanted to check out as a buffer for Shippuden that would be fine, but going through it all isn't necessary. Although if you're liking things and get to the filler and want to keep going, who am I to stop you? I'm not your dad.

  Noelle: It's a lot less compact compared to more modern shonen, but it's still got plenty of substance. Naruto, at the end of the day, is a good kid that's worth rooting for. Also, skip the filler, you won't miss anything.

  Paul: When you're going through Filler Hell, keep going. A ninja is one who endures.

  Danni: Just skip the filler. I'm saying this as someone who endured all of Dragon Ball without giving in to everyone telling me to skip certain batches of episodes. Skip the filler.

  David: Don't watch too much at once! This show doesn't exactly have a reputation for solid emotional or thematic setpieces but I think that's because there is so much content people lose the details, so watch a little at a time and let it sit with you.

    And before we depart from our journey, we have a question from a reader:

  "What were some of your favorite Opening and Ending Theme Songs (or intros and outros, respectively)? Are there any bands/groups/artists you are now a fan of, but weren't previously, because their work was featured in Naruto?"

Kara: "GO!!!" by FLOW is absolutely my favorite opening. I envy everyone who gets to see them live at Crunchyroll Expo this year!  As for endings, "Yellow Moon" by Akeboshi really hits me. I also liked "Wind," but this is the one that sent me looking for more music by him. "Parade" by CHABA is a close second, but that's mostly because it sounds like it's by The Killers.

  Joe: I'm gonna go classic with Far Away as my favorite OP, and Wind as my favorite ED.

  Noelle: Far Away is probably my top fave op because of how absolutely rad it is, but I'll be lying if GO!!! isn't the first thing I think of when I think of Naruto openings (fighting dreamers!). I'm also feeling Wind for my favorite ed, because it's very touching, but it's also so radically different compared to the rest of the endings? A top fave.

  Jared: "GO!!!" and "Wind" are definitely top tier when it comes to openings and endings. I also actually went and purchased "Far Away" and "Pinocchio" so those would be up there too.

  Kevin: Interesting that someone asked this actually. Since we're nearing Shippuden, I've been occasionally listening to all of the Shippuden themes together, and it is quite an experience to go through 500 episodes of content in a half an hour via song.

  To the actual question, for openings my favorites are probable Far Away and GO!!!. Between the two, I'd probably have to go with Far Away as my favorite, because while I didn't know the artist when I first heard the song as a kid, it technically introduced me to Asian Kung-Fu Generation, and I don't think I've heard a song of theirs yet that I don't like.

  For endings, to be honest I had to go back and relisten to literally all of the Naruto endings, because I seriously don't remember any of them. As a result, I guess the first ending, Wind, wins by default since it is the only one that I've actively sought out and listened to outside of the show. That being said, I actually found that I liked Mountain-A-Go Go-Two and Speed much more than I thought I would.

  David: I really couldn't believe how good Wind is as it had somehow left my mind but now it's my favorite ED in original Naruto by far. GO!! is unsurprisingly my choice for OP both because it is very good and how much it represents the feeling of watching Naruto in general.

  COUNTERS:

Week Ramen: 2 bowls Hokage: 0 Clones: 0

Total Ramen: 210 bowls, 20 cups Hokage: 62 Clones: 940

And that's all for the GREAT CRUNCHYROLL NARUTO REWATCH. Once again, thank you for joining us and we hope you'll accompany our merry team on our next adventure!

CATCH UP ON THE REWATCH!

Episodes 211-217: Nearing The Finish Line

Episodes 204-210: Escort Mission Time

Episodes 197-203: Solving a Mystery

Episodes 190-196: Matchmaking Gone Wrong

Episodes 183-189: No Laughter Allowed!

Episodes 176-182: Reach for the Stars!

Episodes 169-175: Anko’s Backstory At Sea

Episodes 162-168: The Tale of the Phantom Samurai

Episodes 155-161: Quickfire Curry

Episodes 148-154: The Forest is Abuzz With Ninjas

Episodes 141-147: Mizuki Strikes Back!

Episodes 134-140: The Climactic Clash

Episodes 127-133: Naruto vs Sasuke

Episodes 120-126: The Sand Siblings Return

Episodes 113-119: Operation Rescue Sasuke

Episodes 106-112: Sasuke Goes Rogue

Episodes 99-105: Trouble in the Land of Tea

Episodes 92-98: Clash of the Sannin

Episodes 85-91: A Life-Changing Decision

Episodes 78-84: The Fall of a Legend

Episodes 71-77: Sands of Sorrow

Episodes 64-70: Crashing the Chunin Exam

Episodes 57-63: Family Feud

Episodes 50-56: Rock Lee Rally

Episodes 43-49: The Gate

Episodes 36-42: Through the Woods

Episodes 29-35: Sakura Unleashed

Episodes 22-28: Chunin Exams Kickoff

Episodes 15-21: Leaving the Land of Waves

Episodes 8-14: Beginners' Battle

Episodes 1-7: I'm Gonna Be the Hokage!

Have anything to say about our thoughts on Episodes 218-220? Let us know in the comments! 

------------------------

Daniel Dockery is a writer and editor for Crunchyroll. You should follow him on Twitter!

    Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[bulldogedition]

Hold the cue cards! The Eagle has landed!

As America quietly--and we mean quietly--marked the 50th anniversary of the moon landing this week, TIME magazine decided to use nostalgia for its cover story on the topic.. Back when the moon was the hot location to get to, when John Kennedy's promise of landing a man  on the moon during the 60s ended with Richard Nixon's Administration celebrating it, and back when they were relevant as a weekly, they featured a 'race to the moon!' article a few months prior to the famed event..

This year on the 50th, they are placed a "next space race" re-do with SPACE X as the main racer.. Business taking over!!

Things have changed since then, obviously.. The ole-timers who lived through this event tell me that the world stopped in its tracks to watch coverage on TV of the moon landing.. The wiser elders of today inform me of the emotions of that time, the amazement and bewilderment so many had as they watched history being made in real time.. on TV sets--a new medium for so many in that era..

Even the  Brits did it their way across the pond.

BBC mounted programming to celebrate the great event. One of the shows featured a live jam by Pink Floyd. The program was a one-hour BBC1 TV Omnibus special with the whimsical title of So What If It’s Just Green Cheese?. It was broadcast on July 20, 1969, at 10 p.m.. The Floyd session eventually came to be called “Moonhead.”

TV GUIDE issued a cover story at the time cementing history: As major a worldwide television event as you can get.. Broadcast live not from our planet but from a satellite of it, the moon..

Children across America watched one small step for man became the giant leap for mankind, and turned to space .. they wanted to be astronauts when they grew up. Neil Armstrong became an American hero--looked up to by countless around the planet..

It was America's moment, the shining example of how WE could make it.. how WE could strive for more.. how WE could get to the moon and maybe one day beyond.

MALAISE DAYS

That brief but albeit amazing American moment of being the first to plant an earthly flag on a desolate space dwelling wore off quickly.

About 50,000+ deaths in Vietnam, Watergate, the Manson murders in Cali, high gas prices, inflation, and other world wide events suddenly forced people into a corner where pride and patriotism was not as evident.. Where we lost our focus on leaving this planet.

Instead, we decided to stay, and fight.. and argue.. Burn bras and protest war!

There was economic turmoil and other vastly amazing and historic moments of political upheaval.. whether it was Richard Nixon resigning before impeachment, or a sweater-wearing Jimmy Carter telling the nation to conserve its energy, it all led to the Reagan Revolution.

He indeed paid for that microphone and he intended on using it..

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd_KaF3-Bcw&w=935&h=701]

 PATRIOTISM UP IN SMOKE

President Ronald Reagan addressed the nation on January 28, 1986, hours after classrooms and media across the nation watched the Challenger explode on LIVE TV..

He called it a national loss.. He said during that broadcast, "I want to say something to the school children of America... I know it's hard to understand, but sometimes painful things like this happen. It's all part of the process of exploration and discovery. It's all part of taking a chance and expanding man's horizons. The future doesn't belong to the faint hearted. It belongs to the brave."

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa7icmqgsow&w=935&h=701]

There seemingly something about this moment that killed the dreams of space.. The malaise 70s turned into roaring decade of greed in the 80s, and somehow we trashed the notion that space mattered.

By the 1990s, a decade when miraculous and amazing discoveries were being found on Mars and other moons of Saturn, we continued just finding ourselves finding space to be the frontier not worth mentioning..

George W. Bush had a similar moment when he addressed the nation in 2003 when the Columbia exploded after mission control lost contact.. Debris fell from the skies above Texas as the Columbia was lost without survivors..

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LT5ecjjXdqw&w=1218&h=685]

And now, 50 years after the moon landing moment, even the business SpaceX cannot get attention unless one of its rockets blows up on the way to the Van Allen Belt.

TAPES AND LEGACIES DESTROYED

I mentioned before the ole' timers.. those who lived through the decade of revolution.. As an 80s child, I only can contemplate the death of space exploration. .When I was just 5, I may or may not have known of the Challenger horror.. when I was growing up in the 90s, my love of space was not because of NASA exploration but instead because of my healthy diet nightly of staying awake late to listen to Art Bell expose and expand on potential alien life and UFO sightings around the world..  But my interviews of those who lived through the live stream -- the true live stream during the 60s of the event -- produce another interesting side effect of the moon landing: I am told the youth of that day were glued to TV sets, but the older Americans had disbelief in what they were seeing..

Hogwash! Man on the moon!? No way!

Perhaps this is where conspiracy theories were formed.. This could be the beginning times when people just could not believe their eyes..  It was all too perfect a story. Kennedy promised men on the moon before the end of the decade. And suddenly at the end of the decade we were going to the moon, safely on LIVE TV for the world to watch, land then leaving the moon without incident, arriving back at home.. all without injury. All without a situation. Without a disaster...

Also destroyed.. a legacy? This was reported last year:

US astronaut Buzz Aldrin is suing two of his children and his former business manager alleging they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy.

The lawsuit, which also claims they are stopping him from getting married, was filed after his children petitioned to take control of his finances.

They asked a judge to name them as his legal guardians because he is suffering from memory loss and confusion.

 HOAX OR NO

There is still a large amount of people (and actually growing if you see popular opinion polls and compare throughout time) that do not think we actually were on the moon. Some real events may not have helped the NASA defenders over the years..

Back in 2009, media reports told us that Nasa taped over its only high-resolution images of the first moon walk with electronic data from a satellite or a later manned space mission, officials said today  So the most historic event in the agency ever, and someone they managed to record something else over it to save money.. huh!?

Stories like that don't help...

Rumors like this don't help either: Stanley Kubrick's 'The Shining' was released 11 years after the first landing on the moon. In that movie, Danny Torrance - played by child actor Danny Lloyd - is seen wearing a knitted jumper with an Apollo 11 rocket on its front. In the scene where Danny first encounters Room 237, he is seen playing on carpet that it is said to resemble an aerial photograph of the launchpad of Apollo 11.. When Danny picks up the tennis ball, which is supposed to represent the hoax itself, he then enters Room 237 and comes out of it attacked and bruised. Later, in the climax of the movie, Jack Torrance - played by Jack Nicholson - screams and raves about the responsibility that's been placed on him, and that he has signed a contract to maintain the hotel and that he is responsible for holding its secrets.

The interpretation asserts that 'The Shining' was, in part, Kubrick trying to confess his role in the moon landing, from the carpets up to Jack Nicholson's crazed rants acting as Kubrick's vented frustrations.

Stanley Kubrick's daughter was forced to push back against this in 2016..

Also this.. There was a viral video that was released on the internet where Buzz Aldrin was attending the National Book Fest in Washington DC and was being interviewed by an eight-year-old girl named Zoey.

Zoey asked the astronaut: “Why has nobody been to the Moon in such a long time?”

Aldrin’s eyes grow wide in the video and he says to the little girl:

“We didn’t go there, and that’s the way it happened. And if it didn’t happen, it would be nice to know why it didn’t happen.”

Some have even claimed to see NASA being sloppy and forgetting to censor buildings appearing in moon footage..

And just on Friday night, Ground Zero with Clyde Lewis featured this as the topic for the program.. and also included a strange clip of the astronauts joking to mission control about cue cards and stage hands!!

Mission Control to Neil Armstrong: Is Buzz Holding the cue cards for you… over?

Neil Armstrong: Cue cards have a no. We have no intention of competing with the professionals believe me.

Unidentified voice: yea Ron’s getting to be known as the silent CAPCOM. (unintelligible) OK.

Buzz Aldrin: The only problem Charlie, these TV stagehands don’t know where they stand.

Mission Control: Well he doesn’t really have a union card there we really can’t complain too much I guess.

Neil Armstrong: Hey the restraints here are doing a great job of pulling my pants down.

x x x

NAZI CONNECTION

There are tons of questions that people will constantly ask about whether the moon landing REALLY happened in space or in front of TV cameraman somewhere on some elaborate set directed by Stanley Kubrick..

If you side with the conspiracy theory that the landing was a hoax, suspend your disbelief for a moment and believe.. because there is a whole other conspiracy theory/fact for your enjoyment..

Filmmaker  Aron Ranen got a grant for $65,000.. He got this grant in order to travel across the USA to interview former astronauts, mission controllers, scientists and others, in an attempt to prove that NASA actually sent men to the moon in 1969.

But instead of proving it was real, he was left with countless questions over whether it really happened.. His movie, MOONHOAX, is available for free download on YouTube and other platforms..

Along with the questions that persist whether it was real or not, Ranen asked some other question. If it was real, the set of facts that presents itself may be much more discomforting..

In the documentary, one of the Apollo mission’s few black employees reveals that the Ku Klux Klan operated openly at the Kennedy Space Center during the ’60s.

And more: A retired tracking engineer said that Nazi scientists helped the U.S. test hydrogen bombs in the South Pacific during the ’50s. This was a claim substantiated by recently declassified documents.

A former slave laborer recalls esteemed rocket scientist Wernher von Braun overseeing huge forced-labor camps in Germany during World War II (true).

And, finally, it turns out that all the basic data taped during the Apollo 11 mission has been misplaced--something confirmed in 2009 by NASA itself as we talked about earlier.

For your discernment, all the uploaded segments of MOONHOAX featuring some of the hard to stomach facts that Nazis helped the United States get to the moon, with one allegation that Neil Armstrong was the first to walk on the moon because he was a German, and Nazis assisting the US get there wanted it that way..

PUNCH DRUNK

50 years on... 50 years later. We have not really been back since....

We have been stalled here on this planet. A planet filled with war and mayhem. Instead of reaching for the stars we are just forced to continue grasping at straws that something will change..

If the moon landing really even happened to begin with.

And on that note, we will end with Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. When he was approached about the factual matters of the moon landing several years ago, he had an interesting response..

Back in 2002, Buzz was approached by a moon landing denier.. Aldrin decided to take action..

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_YM9cCtwz4&w=1218&h=685]

It would have been the punch heard around the world.. but after decades since 1969, everyone stopped listening.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

6 ways to make your dating app profile stand out from the crowd

It's 2019, and there are people on Cher's green earth whose dating app profiles consist solely of a grainy group photo and that one quote from The Office. 

Nothing against that beloved show, but let's be real: Are you really projecting the best version of yourself when the only words on your bio are "'You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take' - Wayne Gretzsky - Michael Scott?" 

Probably not. 

SEE ALSO: Don't Make These Tinder Mistakes

Let's also acknowledge the fact that once you put yourself out in the digital hellscape of online dating, anyone can take a screenshot of your profile and send it around to various group chats. So you might as well make it look good! 

We get it. It's rough out there. But with a few simple tips, you can create a profile for almost any dating app that anyone would swoon over. 

1. Ditch the blurry group photos

people who only have group photos on their tinder profile are getting left behind during the rapture

— 🍑 (@PEACHYBLACKG0RL) December 8, 2018

Look, it's great that you have friends. Wonderful, actually! Having a support system and a social circle is freaking attractive. At the same time, though, you're only making it difficult for your potential matches by having a profile full of group photos. Which one are you? Who knows! 

Swiping shouldn't be a game of Where's Waldo. Don't make your matches guess who you are — make your first profile photo on a dating app a picture of just you. Not you and your roommates, but you. You're hot. You deserve it!

That doesn't mean you should clear your profile of group photos entirely. Just make it a bit easier for the people you're swiping on to know who they're swiping on. 

2. For a good profile photo, look for good lighting and skip the glasses

Image: Zachary Drucker/the gender spectrum collection

A good selfie is all about the lighting.

How do celebrities and influencers manage to look so good all the time? They all take photos in great lighting — sure they have conventional attractiveness, a team of makeup artists, and in some cases thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery, but if you know how to look for the light, you're bound to make your matches swoon.

Natural light, especially during golden hour, will soften your features and make your glow. You'll look nice and warm, which is honestly ideal for dating. 

And according to an analysis done by Tinder, wearing accessories that obstruct your face — like sunglasses, regular glasses, and hats — can decrease your chance of being swiped right on by 15 percent.

Skip the glasses and look for that sweet sliver of daylight right before the sun sets, and you're good to go. 

3. Avoid the awkward cropped ex-couple photos 

Image: zachary drucker/the gender spectrum collection

You don't think the crop is obvious, but let us tell it to you straight: The crop is obvious. 

Take this lovely photo of a couple above — that's pure adoration right there. But imagine if one of the people in it was cropped out; you'd be able to tell that there was another person sitting on the couch, and it would just be awkward. 

There have to be better photos of you out there than that one of you and your ex, right? If not, take a new one. If you're on a dating app, it's probably time to let go of your past loves and make room for new ones, and that means avoiding the awkward cropped photo.  

Statistics from Hinge say that people who use candid photos get 15 percent more likes than those who used posed photos, and bathroom selfies are liked 90 percent less. 

If you're looking for a new boo, keep it natural and skip the mirror selfie. And definitely pass on The One Photo of you and your ex, even if you look good. 

4. Keep your bio interesting

Introducing the thing you never asked for, but definitely always wanted—Tinder Height Verification. Coming soon. Read more about it here: https://t.co/8MER0L1U6W pic.twitter.com/hZ507zSoic

— Tinder (@Tinder) March 29, 2019

Tinder's height verification feature may have been just an April Fools' Day joke, but there's still plenty of pressure to list your height on dating apps. If you don't, that's great! If you do, that's also great, but stop making your height your only characteristic.

You have to have a personality outside of just being 6'2", right? List your hobbies, your favorite movies, or your names for your future pets.

Giving a few details is good, but avoid writing your entire life story in your profile bio. When listing your favorites, keep it contained. You don't want to overwhelm your potential matches with every single aspect of your personality. The goal is to find a happy medium and give them something that'll ease you into a conversation. 

5. Be honest when you strike up conversations 

help a boy on tinder just said he’s going hiking and for some reason I replied “oh fun, where do you go around here?” and now he thinks I enjoy hiking

— danny nett (@dannynett) April 8, 2018

The Venn diagram of people on dating apps who like hiking, dogs, and The Office is just a circle. 

If the thought of sweatily dragging yourself up a mountainside makes you itchy, or if you're lowkey  more of a cat person anyway, then be honest. You don't need to indulge complete strangers by talking about topics you have no interest in — just because you match with someone who's just like everyone else on Hinge or Tinder doesn't mean you have to trap yourself in a one-sided conversation.

That's not to say that you should be a dick and only talk about yourself, but at the same time you don't need to drag out a conversation that you don't want to be in. There are probably more compatible people out there for you, anyway.

6. Get your friends to look over your profile 

Image: Getty Images

It doesn't hurt to have a second (or third, or fourth) set of eyes to look over your profile. 

You may think you know your best angles, but getting an outsider's perspective can definitely help. Your friends know what you really look like, and can help you curate a more authentic version of you than the you might be able to. 

SEE ALSO: Jokey Tinder profiles are ruining the internet (and online dating, for that matter)

Plus, friends can proofread your profile and save you from an embarrassing dating faux pas. Your pals can let you know that a reference is problematic or that you probably shouldn't mention the time you got messy drunk as a first impression. Kick those red flags to the curb and keep yourself in check. 

Now that you have this information, go out and swipe! 

WATCH: This Twitter prank is locking people out of their accounts

[amandawritesback]

That time I asked Danny Sexbang out on a date.

Danny Avidan is goddamn precious, and I’m not shy about telling this to anyone who’ll listen. Even if you pretend you’re listening, you’ll probably hear me gush about him. I had the idea to do this video a while ago, but couldn’t really find a space and time to film it. And then my roommate had WMXXXIII tickets fall into his lap the day before the event, which took him out of town all Sunday. Instead of watching clips from TRAINSPOTTING 2 naked (I wanna see that movie more than I want my left arm), I decided to finally get to work on my idea. 

I tweeted this video to the Game Grumps and Ninja Sex Party handles, but I don’t plan to push it more than that. I don’t want to be obnoxious or weird about it. If Danny sees it, great, if he doesn’t, that’s just the way the universe wanted it, and that’s fine. After all, this video is the product of several different things.

My crush on Danny, obviously, was the primary driving force. While the video is mostly for entertainment purposes – I have no problem accepting that I don’t actually stand a chance with Danny for a myriad of reasons – the crush is very real.

It’s hard for someone like me to not to find someone like him extremely charming and likable. He’s creative, talented, effortlessly funny. He’s the calm to Arin’s controller-chucking, light fixture-destroying storm. He brings a genuine sensitivity and vulnerableness to the playful alpha male schtick Arin plays at times. His laugh is one of my ASMR triggers. He would probably let a family of robins nest in his hair if he thought it would make them happy. I don’t actually consider myself a girl with a type (see: my several hundred posts screaming into the internet about how beautiful Peter Capaldi is), but if there were boxes that I demanded to be ticked off to qualify a crush, I think Danny would tick off the most at any given time.

And I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m slighting Arin in any way because I’m not. I fucking adore Arin Hanson. I didn’t know who JonTron or Danny was, so he’s the whole reason I even invested in that first viewing of Game Grumps a few years ago. I’ve been following him for years, and I wake up every day thrilled by the idea of his happiness, success, and continued existence on this planet. Also, him and Suzy – marriage goals.

I also wanted a reason to play around with jump cutting. Most of my video editing experience is with narrative film editing, so I’ve never had a reason to use that technique extensively in anything, but I find it very fascinating that it’s so common now. Micheal Buckley was the first person I ever subbed to on Youtube, and that was around 2007, 2008, and for his main show, his style was one-take, which seemed like the standard for journalistic or semi-scripted shows. Jump cutting felt reserved for the vlog style of videos, and maybe that was true at some point, but as I started to sub to more people, I realized people like Philp Defranco uses it for this news show and Jenna Marbles for her sketches. That seems to be the way of most internet videos now, no matter the structure, so I wanted to see if I could also form a narrative of some sort using jump cutting. I’m pretty happy with the results.

The most important reason for this video though, was me. This was an exercise in comfort zone smashing. I’ve been doing podcasting on and off for several years, so I’ve become quite comfortable with having to listen to my voice ad nauseam, but visual media weirdness is still an unconquered medium for me. I joke about being awkward on camera in my video, but I don’t really go into why because I was trying to keep it light. It’s because I hate looking at myself in video form. I just recently became okay with pictures and mirrors, but even after a gabillion Buzzfeed articles about loving yourself and body positivity, I can’t come out of my own head enough to truly appreciate my physical traits. I still hate my ugly teeth, the weird way my mouth moves when I talk, the way my fat shuffles when I move. I know I need to lose weight. Diabetes runs in my family, and heart disease is a cousin once removed, and while I’ve been lucky enough to not have any major health issues in my 29 years of life, I don’t want to continue to push it. I’m working on changing my body, but I shouldn’t hate the body I’m in while I have it. So I’m working on filming myself more this year – doing more Let’s Plays, doing more vlogging (mostly when I travel), perhaps even doing more things like this. I need to sell myself to me, and I don’t know exactly how to do that, but you know how someone’s features can change and become attractive the more time you spend around them? I’m doing a version of that. I’m spending more time with myself via the editing process until I love those things.

I’ll keep you all updated on Operation: Danny, Sexbang Me.

[robronotics]

Post Ep Ponderings January 19

I swear to you all, right now, I took in depth notes while watching this episode, and I still likely forgot stuff I wanted to say. What the hell was that? I cannot believe how much they packed into that hour. I’m not even sure where to begin since it all seemed to overlap, but let’s dive in and see what happens.

You know, despite the fact that she can come off as too hard on people in situations like this, I still really like how Nicola handled all this. I was a little worried for Lisa for a minute because she really was just trying to be a friend to Kerry. She really didn’t deserve to be fired. Hell, even though Kerry would’ve been fired from any other job for doing the same thing (and less, if she’d ever been caught for the other stuff). I liked how Nicola used it all to teach them that she won’t be taken for granted, but they both still got their jobs back. Conversely though, I also have to admit that I liked Kerry’s sneaky bit about bringing up how they lost their jobs in front of Laurel. She’s kind of awesome. Okay, not kind of, definitely. Also love how great a friend she’s been to Laurel. She’s really been there for her. Hell, they’ve kind of been there for each other when you think about it.

Speaking of Laurel, Brenda hooking her up with the lingerie parties was HILARIOUS. Especially Doug’s reactions in the beginning. I love that for some reason his first thought was that Brenda was going to get Laurel into hooking. Brenda... making Laurel... a hooker? Yeah, no, still doesn’t compute. It was pretty priceless seeing Doug react that way. In fact, that was a bit of a theme for me because Vic’s reaction when the group of them are sitting in the pub was perfect.

Insert kudos here to Vic for running the pub and giving out the best advice ever all night. She was ON. But I will get back to her.

Another bit of a side note here is that I felt really bad for Gabby and Ashley. I don’t really have too much to add here except that I think this is leading into Gabby starting to realize that Ashley is going to have to go to a home.

Okay, deep breaths here, I’m going to try delving into the absolute mess that was Robron, Finn and Kasim now. I don’t have too much to add to with the generalities of Finn and Kasim. Finn is starting to act a bit too much like Emma, Kasim is scared of losing his family and Finn is pushing too hard, leading to the really bad. in fact, it’s clearly just gotten worse.

As for the Robron portion of this, I’m not really sure exactly what I want to say. Clearly the episode was written from the beginning to set up just how off the charts their fight was going to be. The bridezilla comment alone set me up for that. It was almost a joke, or at least I think Robert was trying to joke, but in Aaron’s current state of mind, it wasn’t coming across that way. There’s just so much going on with them both right now. Robert doesn’t really know how to deal with people, I think. He does on the surface, when they don’t mean anything to him, when lying isn’t a problem because they’ll never know. But I suspect that he has trouble actually dealing with the people he really cares about. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of that was just that he had to lie for so long. The few times he tried to tell the people he cared about the truth, in the past when he was a kid and stuff, well the impression that I’ve been given is that it didn’t turn out to well. Look how much Diane has jumped down his throat just in the last few months still. I think it might be a coping mechanism for him. I wouldn’t be surprised if his line about it just being easier wasn’t more about him rather than Aaron. It’s easier for him to lie, not that it’s hard for Aaron to hear the truth.

Aaron, of course, has his own issues. I really felt for him when he was telling Robert that he doesn’t like who he is when he’s with him. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s all the time, but either way, I’m not sure it matters. I wouldn’t want to feel like that all the time either. You have to be able to trust your partner, end of, and right now, for whatever reason, no matter who’s at fault (and honestly their relationship issues are down to the both of them. Neither one is more at fault than the other in my opinion), but right now Aaron doesn’t trust Robert and he feels shitty that he’s coming off as some horrible person. Not only does he want to be happy, but he wants Robert to be happy. He knows he’s not happy and he knows that how he’s acting is making Robert unhappy. I think he’s starting to wonder if it’s all worth it, if neither of them are happy. On the other hand, Robert is frustrated for similar reasons. I’m not one to pretend that he’s good at relationships, but I do believe he’s trying and that he wants Aaron more than he has ever wanted anyone or anything, but he just doesn’t know what to do. I don’t think he knows what else to do, even if it seems obvious to us. We all know that Aaron would feel better if he cut off Rebecca, but no one knows for sure how long that would work before Aaron was just worried about someone else. On the other hand, I don’t know that Robert realized until this ep that his relationship with Rebecca was hurting Aaron so much. I really think he was using the situation to get more money so he could help them buy (or rather fix up) a house hand have a wedding and all the rest of it.

One thing I want to say here that might be unpopular is that I agree with Robert that it’s not wrong to still find other people attractive. When you fall in love with someone, it doesn’t mean you stop finding other people attractive. It just means you don’t want to do anything about that attraction anymore. If someone that looked and acted like Danny Miller or Ryan Hawley started flirting with me in a bar tomorrow, it would be flattering for sure, but I wouldn’t want to sleep with them, no matter how much I’ve enjoyed staring at their beautiful faces. I would be going home to my bf guilt-free.

At any rate, the more they go on with this, the more I want to see them both in therapy. At first alone, and then in couples therapy. And when I say see, I mean see. This is a visual medium after all. I want to seem them work their shit out and have epic meaningful conversations on par with or better than the one from SSW. That would be my absolutely dream.

And how fucking amazing was Vic tonight? She is going to be a fantastic mother. The advice she gave everyone was spot on. I only wish they’d listened to her, then maybe Aaron wouldn’t be on his way to jail. Though I think I really enjoyed the fight scene. It was definitely unfortunate that Aaron started to work out all his pent up feelings on Kasim’s face though. What a mess all that is. I don’t think Kasim is ashamed of being gay either. I think he misses his dad and he’s trying to figure out a way to be with his family again. It takes a lot before most people would cut off really close family members (which it seems like Kasim was with his dad) and I think he’s really just trying to figure out his life, as one does at that age. Finn just went way too far and he kind of deserved that punch in the nose.

Another side note here: I loved Ross’s ‘what? Did your gay love triangle blow up outside?’ part simply for the look on his face when he realized his bad joke was correct.

Finally, I’m going to leave on a high note. CHAS AND FUCKING PADDY RULE THE WORLD. I could live on Paddy and Marlon scenes too, for real. Their jinxed dates are getting better and better. I don’t know the writers too well yet, but does anyone know who wrote that part? Holy shit, when Paddy passed out due to painful erection in his cake I just about died of laughter. What a brilliant scene. Not only does the restaurant burn down, but Paddy pulls a ‘There’s Something About Mary’ in epic fashion. And the bit where Marlon was trying to have a look for him? Now that’s a best friend! I simply cannot give enough kudos to that whole scene. Everyone was on point. The acting was superb, the writing was superb and any time you get Paddy, Marlon and Chas in a scene together, I’m so in! All the little lines were just so brilliant. The “Paddy, have you been crying?” The “I can make meatballs, or sausage.” And yes, I am that immature. These guys should win for best comedic team, for sure. It also made for a nice juxtaposition against some of the cruel words from Robert during their fight. 

In fact, the balance in the episode also deserves kudos. When it was dramatic, it was really dark, but when it was fun, it was hilarious. Great job Emmerdale!

I think this is my longest post ever.

[phoenix-stfu-blog]

Neutral

Title? Neutral Chaptered? sADLY NO Gendered? it's female at first Word Count? i dIDNT CHECK FEEL FREE TO YELL AT ME Fandom? Game Grumps Danny x agender!reader You stare yourself down in the dirty, gloomy mirror. The mirror that mocks you everyday. 'You will always be one gender. ALWAYS. There are only two. There's no in between.' People may say you're crazy, for saying a mirror teases you. You can't deny it though. You grabbed an old, baggy, and torn up ninja sex party shirt. You decided on that, since no one special was supposed to be coming over. You threw on some light grey sweats, and strolled downstairs to make some coffee. You decided since today was somewhat of a free day for you, that you'd just try to explore the lgbtq+ community a little more. You went on multiple lgbtq tumblr blogs, and decided to send in an ask on one of them. You slid the anon option on, because you didn't need anybody knowing this was you. You'd began typing when suddenly someone knocked on the door. Well, shit. "Hello?" You yelled from your crease on the sofa. You heard a faint "Yellow!" You then instantly knew who it was. Arin fucking Hanson. You told him the door was unlocked, so he commenced to waltz into your home like it was his. He perched onto the sofa, then grabbed the remote. "Uh, Arin if you don't mind me asking, what the ever loving fuck are you doing here?" You said in a lightly joking manner. He replied with a shrug, you know that usually meant he was bored and had nothing to do or no one to see. Either those or everyone was busy and you were the last choice. You excused yourself to the bathroom, but you hadn't realized you left the computer on the lgbtq blog. Arin, being the snoopy bastard he is, decided to read what you'd already wrote. 'Hello, i was wondering if there was a term for not feeling feminine or masculine, but more on the lines of neutral? I've been confused lately. I didn't know if this was a thin' That was all you'd written before Arin busted through the door. Arin was staring at the screen with his jaw slightly hanging open, before you walked in the room. "Arin! Did you read that?" You were worried what the answer was. He probably did. "Erm, yeah. i did read it. Sorry (y/n), I didn't want to invade but.." Arin's words slid out of his lips, but you couldn't focus. Your thoughts quickly invaded your mind. 'He thinks your disgusting. He'll leave you alone. Get away from him. He's going to hurt you-' You were snapped out of your trance with Arin placing his hand on your shoulder. "y/n, it's okay. It's not weird at all. I'm not going to hurt you either," You wondered how he knew what you thought about. "You were thinking out loud. I heard what you said." Arin kept saying how you need to send in the ask, since he didn't know any terms for it either. As soon as 10 minutes later, your question was answered. 'Hi There anon! The term for not feeling any gender is agender. The pronouns for agender is (they/them). An example- "That's theirs!" "They don't need it." "That's them over there." remember! this doesn't need to be rushed! Take your time :) xx Hope this helped! -H' So that was it. You're agender. Finally, you'd found something that fit you. After 3 years of feeling like this, you've found yourself. Arin finally spoke up, and said "So, agender huh?" You glanced over at Arin and nodded. This was you now. Your hair is already a medium/long length, but you'd always wanted it short. "Arin, could we.. go out today and do some stuff?.. Like.. go get new clothes for me? Maybe even a binder! Cut my hair! This is gonna be great!" Arin looked at you with caring eyes, knowing you were passionate about this. "I guess we can, but maybe a binder and new clothes later. How about just a haircut first?" You were already so ecstatic, finally you'd look like yourself, and be confident. About 30 minutes later, you and Arin drove up to his hair salon. The first person that walked up to you guys glanced over at Arin, then retorted, "The usual, Hanson?" Arin shook his head, then pointed at you. "They need a gender neutral haircut. Something short, whatever they'd want." The stylist lead you to a chair, and started conversation with you. They had a gender neutral cut as well, they seemed friendly. "So, what are you trying to go for, just a change in styles? peer pressure from friends?" You nodded when they said a change in styles. Arin waited across the room, in a somewhat comfy-looking chair. One shampooing, condition, color, and haircut later, you were done. Your hair was swooped to the center, with shorter sides. The top was also dyed a gradient blue. You slowly walked up to Arin, pushing your blue hair out of your face. You were so in love with your hair, you wanted it like this forever. Arin stared at you in awe, knowing this was just the start of a total change. You weren't exactly ready to come out to all the grumps, knowing this was the first time you'd be meeting a couple of them. Like you'd already met Suzy, Brian and Kevin. You've yet to meet Ross, Barry, Danny, and Holly. Arin got in the car, then drove you to the Grumps' place. "Yo! We're here. Also, is there anything that you'd like me to call you besides (y/n)?" You thought a bit, you hadn't thought of that yet. "Maybe Rain? That was always a child nickname of mine. Just for now though." You were given that nickname, because your parents found your love for rain intriguing. You'd always want to out and play in the rain, or just stare out the window during a thunderstorm. You and Arin strolled into the Grumps', and everyone was in their separate stations. Danny on the couch, Ross, Kevin and Barry editing, then Holly and Suzy chatting on a beanbag chair. "We're back guys!" Danny shot up from the couch, eager to meet you. "Hi, (y/n)! Awesome to actually meet you." He stuck out his hand, then you two shook hands. "Hi, Danny. good to actually meet you." You said in a monotone voice. You didn't like him saying your other name. Arin and Danny invited you to sit in the recording area, just for a while to sit and talk. Danny brought up the topic of childhood pasts. You'd never liked the topic. "So, (y/n), where'd you grow up?" Danny asked you. "(y/h/t)." He knew you sounded a bit peeved, so he asked Arin to leave so he could talk to you alone. "(y/n), can we talk for a second?" You nodded and shrugged. You refused to speak, because of the use of your birth name. You cringed everytime you heard it. "Danny, i don't like you using my name." Dan looked as puzzled he possibly could. "What do you mean by that? Is there a nickname i should call you?" You nodded, "Call me Rain, please. It's- It's a childhood nickname of mine." Danny smiled that award winning smile of his and nodded. "Any reason why you don't like people saying your real name?" You grinned, "Yeah, only Arin knows, but you're about to know. I'm agender, that means i don't classify as masculine or feminine. I'm neutral. You know like, the pronouns 'her' and 'him'?" Danny gave a loving nod. "I don't use those, i use 'them'. Like you'd say, 'That's theirs.' Do you.. Do you get it?" Danny looked in your (e/c) eyes. "Yeah, i think so. Like, you.. classify as neutral. Right?" You nod, glad he understands. "Yeah, i do. Thanks for understanding Danny. You're awesome." "You're even better, Rain." He leaned in, and gave you a warm hug. Suddenly, Arin walks in. "Looks like Rain met Sunshine, huh? I ship it." Then, you see Brian outside the window taking pictures and flicking you two off. Casual Brian.