#simply because it has to be one of the most giffed episode ever

[xjoonchildx]

kanalia | jhs x reader | final chapter: because i couldn't stay away

banner by the amazing @kth1 💕

⚜️summary: secrets and uncertainty plague a young queen in her arranged marriage to a kind but distant king. the farther she drifts from her husband, the closer she gets to one of his most trusted men.

⚜️pairing: queen!reader x royalguard!hoseok

⚜️rating: mature, 18+

⚜️genre: royal AU, historical AU, smut

⚜️warnings: infidelity (it’s complicated, y’all) mentions of pregnancy, fertility issues. OC struggles with depressive thoughts and episodes. smut warnings in effect.

⚜️word count: 10.2K

⚜️author's note: happy birthday month to my forever muse, jung hoseok. i hope that i did this poor, tortured version of you some justice. and yes, it did take me years to finish this story (😭) , but i did. thank you to every single who has ever taken an interest in this story and cared enough to stick with me through long delays and rough writing spells. once again, i have to shout out the OG @hobi-gif who lent her eyes to part of this story. i appreciate you all so much and if you enjoyed it, i would very much appreciate a reblog as well as your feedback.

thank you guys so, so much 💕

previous chapter masterlist

Love doesn't discriminate Between the sinners and the saints It takes and it takes and it takes And we keep loving anyway We laugh and we cry and we break And we make our mistakes And if there's a reason I'm by her side When so many have tried Then I'm willing to wait for it I'm willing to wait for it

– “Wait for It”

Hamilton, An American Musical 

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One perfect loop is followed by another. And another. And another.

You need not look back and check your work, not anymore. Now you know simply by the pull of the thread that each stitch you place is snug and uniform. You sit in your chair by the fire and repeat the motion over and over again, staring unseeing into the pattern in your lap. 

“It’s a beautiful day, Your Grace.”

Hyeri’s voice taps at the edges of your consciousness, muffled as though she’s standing outside the chamber door instead of seated right beside you. You ignore it and push another loop through the fabric.

“Not a cloud in the sky,” she persists, gentle. “Perfect conditions for a walk, if you feel up to it. I could even accompany you, if you wish?”

There was a time, not long ago, when Hyeri’s prodding would have set your teeth on edge. But you do not have the energy to muster any such emotion. And so you give Hyeri the same answer you’d given her the day before. And the day before that one. The same hushed words, spoken in the same decisive tone.

“I’m content to stay in today, Hyeri. Thank you.”

“Very well, Your Grace.”

She drops the matter with a quiet sigh.

It’s unlike her. The Hyeri you know would fret and fuss for as long as it took for you to relent; until you had no choice but to quit your chamber simply to enjoy a moment’s peace. The Hyeri you know would be shooing you away from the fire, prattling on about how one errant thread could catch and send your entire dress up in flames. 

But the Hyeri seated beside you does none of those things.

So you sink deeper into the plush chair perched in front of the hearth and watch the flames dance. The embers at the base of the fire glow deep red, putting off a heat blistering enough to scorch your bare feet. 

But you cannot feel it. You cannot feel anything.

You’ve surrendered to the weariness now; let it consume you. Allowed it to fuse itself to the very marrow of your bones. For days you’ve done little beyond sleep and spend your few waking hours seated by the fire, needle in hand. 

Twice you’ve left your chamber and neither time by choice, but rather because the King had insisted on your presence at dinner. To what end you still cannot be sure seeing as you’d taken both meals in stilted, awkward silence. Apparently His Grace is far less bold without a bit of ale in him.

“The hunting party leaves in three days' time,” Hyeri says. “There’s been quite a fuss in the kitchens over it. They’re taking enough supplies to travel for months, by the looks of it.”

You make a non-committal sound under your breath. Hyeri forges on, undeterred.

“There will be a send-off in the courtyard, of course. Will you – “ she pauses to choose her words carefully. “ – Well, I assume that you’ll want to see the King off.”

You do not want to see the King off. Were it not for his pigheaded adamance that you keep up appearances for the sake of this sham marriage, you’d be content to never see him again. But you’ll not tell Hyeri that. Not when she’s made it clear where her loyalties lie and not when she still holds on to the delusion that one day you’ll decide to embrace your role as the placeholder by the King’s side.

So you say nothing at all. The fire pops as one of the logs crumbles in the hearth.

Hyeri clears her throat. “Your Grace, I only want what’s best for you. Surely you know that by now? And I don’t want people casting aspersions, which they most certainly will do if you’re not there to see the King off. The staff is already asking questions about why you’ve not been seen in days.”

“Has he asked for me?”

Hyeri blinks. “The King?”

“Yes, Hyeri,” you say slowly. “The King. Has His Grace requested my presence at this send-off ceremony?”

The color seems to drain from her soft face as she admits, “No, Your Grace. He hasn’t.”

“Then I see no point in worrying yourself over the matter.”

You return your attention to your needlework and place another yellow thread in the center of your Mugunghwa flower’s pistil. The flames crackle in perfect, undisturbed silence. 

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

“It’s cold out there today,” Hyeri says. “But if you bundle up tight, it’s quite pleasant in the sunshine.”

“Thank you, Hyeri,” you reply evenly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

It’s a lie, and you both know it. You have no intention of leaving this chamber today and much to your relief, the King did not require your presence at his evening meal the night prior. Hyeri had ordered your dinner sent up and then proceeded to dine with you herself. An insidious voice inside your mind whispers she’s afraid to leave you alone.

You ignore it.

Instead you try to focus on your Mugunghwa flower. You study it, blinking until the riot of colors before you has clear, defined boundaries – fiery crimson at the center which slowly bleeds into a subdued pink which in turn dissipates into a milky white. You pull fresh white thread through your needle and set to work on the flower’s edges.

“Your needlework is much improved, Your Grace,” Hyeri notes. “You’ll be finished with that pattern by the end of the day, as I see it.”

You thumb over the fabric and consider her assessment. She’s right, you’ll be done with this pattern in a matter of hours. And the only thing that awaits on the other side is another pattern. And another. On and on and on. 

“Perhaps when you’re done, you’ll consider mending this for me,” Hyeri says, gesturing towards her lap. “My eyesight is not what it used to be. I’m terrified of ruining the old man’s beautiful design.”

You set your embroidery down and turn to look at Hyeri, gaze falling to the opulent plum fabric in her hands. Slowly, the details sharpen into focus. The rich velvet trim. The gold threads glinting back at you in the firelight. The room begins to tilt.

“A footman found it in the woods last night,” Hyeri explains, her cadence slow and deliberate. “By the stables.”

You are keenly aware of the way she watches you in the weighty seconds that follow, one gray eyebrow lifted as she awaits a response. You do your best to appear calm despite the panic clawing its way up your throat.

You’d lost that shawl in your mad dash back to the castle. You’d been tearing through the dark, paying little heed to the branches that tugged at your dress and occasionally scraped at your hands and face. One of them had caught the shawl, but you’d been so desperate to reach the refuge of your chamber that you’d hardly noticed when it was wrenched away. You’d had, after all, your humiliation to keep you warm.

And you’d earned it, hadn’t you? With your drunkenness. With your recklessness. You’d let every one of your baser emotions take control. You’d risked every advantage of your carefully curated life just to throw yourself like a wanton at the feet of one of your husband’s closest confidantes. Like a fool. 

When Lord Jung turned on his heels that night and abandoned you in the woods, he’d done far more than just rebuff your clumsy advances. 

He’d finished you. 

“Your Grace?” Hyeri’s curiosity is evident. “Are you alright?”

Hardly. Your mouth waters as your stomach threatens to cast up what little you’ve eaten today. One glimpse of that garment had been enough to bring a torrent of memories rushing back; vivid, awful memories that you’ve worked hard to banish to the deepest recesses of your mind. You grip the arm of your chair hard enough to make your knuckles go white. 

“Your Grace?”

You don’t answer until you’re sure that you won’t retch the very moment you open your mouth. Hyeri studies you in the interminable silence, lips parted in an expression of concern. Your tongue is thick when you finally collect yourself enough to speak.

“Please do thank the footman for me, Hyeri. And I think it best to leave the more intricate needlework to you.”

Hyeri stares as you reach for your needle and thread with trembling hands, but you don’t dare look her way. You try to place a loop at the edge of your flower but the Mugunghwa’s colors have gone blurry again and you’re forced to back the needle out and start over.

Perhaps there was a time when the Mugunghwa was as vivid as a rose. With petals of rich orange-red, opaque from pistil to tip. But perhaps it was asked to weather too many storms. Too many droughts. Too many winters. 

Perhaps the Mugunghwa looks the way it does today not because of how it was made, but rather what it’s had to endure. 

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

The first snow of the season arrives early.

You stand at your window and watch it fall, noting how quickly the fields turn from green to white. You press your fingertips to the windowpane and the cold seeps through it, chilling you instantly.

In the courtyard below, the horses are draped in heavy blankets. Stablehands scurry around them; dusting snow off their muzzles and checking their shoes. Footmen work in teams, sharing the weight of the heavy trunks they load on to waiting carts. 

“I’ll wear the blue walking dress today, Hyeri. The one with the white flowers on the bodice.”

“Your Grace?” Hyeri is on her feet at once to join you at the window. “You’ll see the king off, then?”

“I’ll need the matching cape too,” you direct, brushing her question aside as you watch the newly-packed trunks take on a layer of white snow. “If the conditions are as awful as they look.”

“Yes of course,” Hyeri breathes, hurriedly whirling about the chamber behind you as she gathers your things. In a matter of minutes she has you dressed and seated, fingers twisting your hair into a plait at the base of your neck. She loops the plait and pins it into an elegant bun, fingers smoothing the hairs into place before her hands come to rest on your shoulders. She squeezes them gently.

“I’ll not ask you why you’ve changed your mind, Your Grace,” she says softly. “But I’m so glad for it. It’s important that people see you. For them, of course, but for you most of all. And besides, you look so lovely.” 

You don’t feel lovely. In fact, you don’t feel anything at all. And if Hyeri had pressed you as to why you’ve changed your mind, she’d not be satisfied with your answer. You’ve changed your mind because you cannot bear to cause more conflict with the King. Because you have no desire to create a scandal that you’ll somehow have to fix. You’ve changed your mind because you have no fight in you left. This is the path of least resistance.

You rise from your seat and Hyeri’s hands fall away. She clutches them to her chest, rheumy eyes soft with sadness as she watches you take your place at the window once again. Outside the snow falls harder, and you watch the footmen leave deep divots in it with their boots.

“Tell me when it’s time,” you say quietly.

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

You can scarcely recognize anyone in the throng of well-wishers gathered outside the castle.

They’re all bundled tight in winter coats and pelts; some wear hats and scarves. The snow doesn’t help either, and from the moment you enter the courtyard you’re grateful for your cape. Not only for the warmth of its thick lining, but for its hood, too. It affords you a bit of privacy in this otherwise very public affair.

You weave your way through the crowd and do your best not to make eye contact with anyone. Surely Boram is among those gathered with sweet Yeona in tow, here to see Lord Min off on his adventure. But you cannot bring yourself to seek her out – not when she’s already called on you twice without so much as an explanation for your disappearance. At any rate, you don’t think you could bear to look at her right now. To see the worry and concern you know you’ll find written all over her face. 

So you keep your hood pulled tight and your eyes down as you set off in search of the King. And you have no trouble finding him despite your reticence to make your presence known. It’s not just that he stands a head taller than most. It’s in his stature, in his stance – in that self-assured air that seems to come naturally to those born with power. He catches sight of you as he’s speaking to a footman and pauses, gaze locking on yours.

Your legs feel heavy. Your boots sink into the snow as you approach, each step more tiring than the last. When you are finally standing before the King you bow, dipping your head as you peer at him from beneath your hood.

“Your Grace,” he murmurs, lips twitching into a cautious half-smile. “I wasn’t sure you’d come down to say goodbye.”

“And yet I have,” you respond evenly. A snowflake lands on one of his long eyelashes and you resist the urge to reach out and sweep it away. “So I do very much hope that you are pleased.”

“I am pleased.”

The King reaches for your gloved hand. He waits a heartbeat before bringing it to his mouth and pressing a kiss to your leather-clad fingers. Beneath your hood, your cheeks burn. You withdraw your hand quickly and let it fall to your side. 

“Well. Then. I wish you a comfortable journey,” you say. “As well as a safe return.”

The two of you stand there for an awkward moment, the King’s expression expectant as though he’s waiting for you to say more. But you have no more to say. The words you’ve already offered him will do. They’re as empty as the vows you’d exchanged little more than a year ago.

“We ought to head out, Your Grace. We’re losing precious daylight and this weather will slow us as it is.”

The voice comes from somewhere in your periphery, but you need not see the man to know exactly who it is. Suddenly each breath you draw is painful, the frigid air pricking your lungs like a thousand tiny needles. You will yourself not to turn towards it, not to react in any way. 

“You’re right.” The King acknowledges Lord Jung with a brusque nod. “Have the stablehands check over the horses one more time.”

You won’t look at him. You can’t look at him. Not when the sound of his voice reverberates through every wounded place inside of you. Not when you can close your eyes and still feel the hot trickle of embarrassment that slid down your spine that night in the woods. But then he leaves you with no other choice.

“Your Grace.” 

The low timbre of Lord Jung’s greeting makes the fine hairs at the nape of your neck stand on end. You turn to him, slowly, and his dark eyes briefly connect with yours before he bends into a shallow bow. Your knees nearly give way when you return the gesture, along with a subdued, “My Lord.”

What must this man think of you now? What has he told the King? The nausea you’ve managed to stave off for days returns at once. 

You startle when a gloved hand wraps around your forearm and the King beckons you to face him. You flick your eyes up to meet his and find that they – along with his countenance – have darkened. By now Lord Jung is yards away, tending to his horse as the hunting party readies to embark. Your lungs ache with each deep pull of cold air.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, no. Not at all,” you insist, contriving a weak laugh. “I’m not accustomed to this kind of cold, is all. I’ll need to go back inside to get warm.”

The King’s brows furrow as he studies you. But you maintain your mild expression until his face relaxes and the disquiet subsides. He leans in to place a chaste kiss to your cheek. 

“Hyeri assures me you’ll be well taken care of in my absence.”

You lift the corners of your mouth in a gesture that you hope will pass for a smile.

“Thank you, Your Grace. Be well.”

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

Hyeri does not protest when you ask to undress upon your return to the chamber. Nor does she fuss when you climb into bed with the morning sun still high in the sky. She simply presses a soft kiss to your hair, draws the curtains tight and leaves you with a whispered rest well. 

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

Your chamber is dark when you wake but for the soft glow of a fire. 

As you come to, so does an ache in your temples, a quiet thud that pulses in time with your heartbeat. Your muscles protest as you roll onto your side to find Hyeri seated at the hearth. 

She’s yet to realize that you’ve roused and so you lie there for a while, studying her. She has a strange, far-away look in her eyes as she stares into the flames, her grip tight on a book in her lap. After a few minutes she opens the book and begins to thumb through it and you watch, curious, as she pulls a worn piece of vellum from between its pages.

She unfolds the missive and reads over it, face crumpling as she fights back a sob.

“Hyeri?”

The older woman nearly jumps out of her skin when you call out to her.  She hastily folds the vellum and slips it back into her book, smoothing down her dress as she stands at attention. “Your Grace,” she says, voice huskier than usual, “I hadn’t realized you were awake.”

“It’s alright,” you say absently, voice rough with sleep. You steal a look at the book left lying in Hyeri’s chair as she hurries over to bring you some water. Her countenance is that of someone who’s been caught doing something they shouldn’t have. You stare at the glass she offers you, watching the water slosh back and forth. 

Is she trembling?

“You ought to eat something,” she admonishes gently, waving a hand towards the food waiting on the table nearby. “You slept through the evening meal. I had my mind made up to wake you if you’d gone much longer, but thankfully I didn’t have to. So come,” she beckons, “Eat something. It will do you some good.”

Your stomach twinges at the mention of food. It’s been in upheaval for days now, and as such it’s been far too long since you had a proper meal. But whatever awaits in the dishes nearby smells enticing enough, so you allow Hyeri to help you out of bed. Your muscles are stiff with disuse and you grimace as you make your way to the table. Your eagle-eyed handmaid takes note.

“A long, hot bath will do you some good, too,” Hyeri remarks as you spoon lukewarm bulgogi onto your plate. You eat slowly as she busies herself with lighting the torches and stripping the linens from your bed. “I’ll have the maids bring up the water after you’ve had a chance to eat.”

You’ve only managed a few bites of the bulgogi before there’s an army of maids filing into the chamber, flitting about the room like a swarm of bees. You watch the entire affair in a daze as the maids make quick work of the tasks set before them: tidying and sweeping the chamber, draping your bed in fresh linens, filling the tub with steaming hot water. And when all the commotion is finally done, Hyeri dismisses them with strict orders not to return unless they are sent for. 

You are grateful at once for the silence that immediately falls over the chamber. Even Hyeri leaves you for a while, disappearing into the antechamber to prepare your toilette. But when you glance over at her chair, Hyeri’s book is gone. Along with whatever was written on the vellum inside.

“Come now, Your Grace,” Hyeri says, at last. “I’m ready for you.” 

She leads you into the bathing chamber, where the air is humid and sweet. Then she helps you out of your rumpled nightgown and holds out her hand. You accept it, leaning into her as you step over the tub’s steep rim. Slowly you ease yourself down, sucking in a breath as the heat blazes a path up your feet to your legs and thighs. The water is hot almost to the point of pain but you withstand it, sinking until it laps at your shoulders.

“I used rose oil tonight,” Hyeri says, kneeling behind you and cupping your head in her hands. “I thought you could do with a bit of pampering.” 

The delicate fragrance envelopes you, carried on the curls of steam that rise just above the water. You breathe in the soft, floral scent and close your eyes; try to clear your mind. Hyeri presses her thumbs to your temples and starts making firm, soothing circles. 

“I remember the very first moment I saw you,” Hyeri muses softly. “I’d been so impressed by your poise.” Her hands move to the column of your neck and she kneads at the tight muscles there, pulling the tension from them with each pass. “You were little more than a girl then, but I could still see that you were lovely, inside and out.”

Were you? You’re not sure that you would even recognize the girl that stepped out of that carriage so long ago. You’d been so idealistic – so certain of the comfortable life that you would find here. Of the affluence and status and yes, perhaps, even love that you’d enjoy once you’d ascended to the throne. But that girl had been a nitwit. The woman you are now will never entertain such foolish notions again.

“I know that so much of this has not been easy for you,” Hyeri continues, setting to work on your shoulders. “I know that there have been days when you’ve struggled to put one foot in front of the other. But you have. And that means something.”

It does mean something. It means that your mother’s great work is finally complete. She’d spent her entire life molding you into the polished, empty creature you are today. If only she could see you now; see how biddable and pathetic you’ve become. It would fill her to overflowing with joy.

“Anyhow, when you’ve lived as long as I have you realize that nothing is forever,” Hyeri says thoughtfully. “Same as what you’re going through right now, Your Grace. It won’t be forever.”

Nonsense. Hyeri cannot change the King’s heart. She cannot save you from a lifetime of awkward exchanges and forced smiles simply because she believes things can change. And she cannot will a child into your womb simply by decreeing that it should be so. The swell of emotion that surges inside you is more powerful than anything you’ve felt in days. And it’s anger. 

“Hyeri, stop,” you order tersely. “No more.”

Her face falls at that, features going slack with dismay. But she heeds you, holding back whatever she’d meant to say next. Then she reaches for the soap and begins to wash your hair in silence. You chase the beads of oil that float along the surface of the water with a fingertip, cheeks hot with embarrassment. You hadn’t meant to be ugly to Hyeri. 

But then you’ve done many things of late that you hadn’t meant to.

“I’m sorry,” you murmur.

“It’s alright, Your Grace. I know you meant no harm by it.” Hyeri dries her hands off and then rises to her feet, looking down at you with a kindness you do not deserve. “I’ll leave you to soak for a bit. You can have a few minutes of peace before I return.”

You’ve been unfair to her, haven’t you? The realization cuts you deep as you watch her retreat from the antechamber. She’s served you in so many ways since your arrival here: as caretaker and as advisor and as confidante. And how have you thanked her? By being cold and distant. By unleashing all the frustration and resentment you feel towards the King on her. And what of the tears you’d seen her hold back while she’d been sitting by the fire? Have you been so mired in your own anguish that you’ve neglected to see hers? 

The water has begun to cool and your skin has begun to pebble by the time Hyeri returns.

“Forgive me, Your Grace,” she says upon her return, helping you out of the water. “The time got away from me. You must be freezing.”

“Only a little,” you lie, teeth chattering. Hyeri sets to drying you, throwing the damp linens on the floor to catch the rivulets of water that fall from your hair. Her dark eyes dart from your shoulders to your neck to your ears, but they do not meet yours. 

“Is something wrong, Hyeri?”

“No, no. Not at all,” she answers quickly, “Just a bit tired.” Her reassurance rings hollow because she keeps her eyes trained on the floor as she bends to reach for the rose oil. When she straightens, you catch her hand with yours, stilling her. 

“What were you reading tonight?”

Hyeri’s mouth opens in surprise and then quickly closes.

“I saw you sitting by the fire,” you admit. “You were reading something that looked to upset you.”

“And here I thought you were sleeping,” Hyeri grumbles, taking her hand back. She pours the oil into one palm and then warms it before pressing it to your neck, letting a long moment pass before she speaks. 

“It didn’t upset me,” she explains. “Not in a sad way. Those were happy tears, I suppose.” She pours oil into your hands and begins to gently massage it into your fingers. “It was a letter from my Sanghun, back when he’d been courting me so many years ago. You might find this hard to believe, but I wasn’t always the old woman you see now. I had more than my fair share of suitors.”

It’s not hard to believe. Time has been kind to Hyeri. Her features, though soft with age, are still striking. She must have been quite fetching as a young woman. 

“What made you choose Sanghun?” you ask.

“I don’t know that I had a choice in the matter at all,” she laughs as she helps you slip into a nightgown. “The moment I saw Sanghun, no other man existed for me. It was him or no one.” Her eyes go soft with a faraway look as she recounts the memory. “The other girls thought him too practical, too serious. But I saw a side of him that no one else saw. A part of him that was just for me.”

“You must miss him,” you say gently.

“Every day,” Hyeri admits. “Ten years he’s been gone and I think of him every day. Those letters remind me of what it’s like to be young and so in love that you’ll not see rhyme or reason. But –” she trails off and waves a hand as if fending off fresh tears. “Never mind that. Come sit.”

It’s unclear which of you she’s sparing from the memory. But as Hyeri begins working her comb through the lengths of your hair, you’re struck by how shortsighted you’ve been. There is suffering in never having the chance to love and be loved, certainly. But there is a different kind of suffering that comes with having that kind of love and then losing it. The thought humbles you.

Hyeri comes to stand behind you and begins working your wet hair into a loose plait.

“I’m sorry, Hyeri,” you say softly, gaze dropping to your hands. “I’m sorry that I haven’t thought to ask you about Sanghun. I haven’t been myself and I’ve just – “

Hyeri silences you with a soft hush. She secures your braid with a piece of linen and then drops to her knees to look her in the eye. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she says softly, stroking a hand down the side of your face. “Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for feeling the things you feel.”

Her warmth thaws the frozen places inside you. It causes tears to spring to your eyes. And when she takes your hand in hers, you squeeze it gently — hoping that the gesture can convey the feelings you can’t put into words.

“Now put all of that behind you,” she says, smiling through her own unshed tears. “And come sit with me for a while.”

Hyeri leads the way into the chamber and you follow, only to stop short when the hearth comes into view.

When your gaze falls on the silhouetted figure near the fire, you nearly scream. You try to scream. But fear seizes your body, inch by inch – rooting your feet to the floor and closing around your throat like a shackle. You have no choice but stand there, staring in horrified silence as the figure begins to emerge from the shadows. In the span of one frantic heartbeat, the figure has a shape. In the next, it has a face. 

And in the next, it has a name.

“H-Hyeri?” you stammer, swaying on your feet as your legs threaten to give way. Your handmaid doesn’t answer and so you call out again, voice quivering. “Hyeri?”

You cannot take your eyes off the man standing before you. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, and so you stare as the firelight flickers over his stark, beautiful features. Shadows dance across his clenched jaw and knit brow. And his eyes – those dark eyes you know so well are fathomless, inscrutable – smoldering coal set in unblemished, unforgiving stone.

“Hyeri!“ you call out to her again, desperate – reluctantly tearing your gaze from the man to look for her. And when your eyes finally land on Hyeri, you find your handmaid standing near the chamber door, hands clasped together tightly. Streaks of color running up the thin skin of her neck and into her soft cheeks.

But she’s not surprised, is she? Not flummoxed in any way by finding Lord Jung lying in wait inside your private rooms. The realization comes over you slowly, wholly, until a strangle tingle runs from your scalp to the tips of your fingers. She’s arranged this, hasn’t she? 

“W-What is this?” The words leave you as more air than sound, but they ring out clear enough in the silence of your chamber. Lord Jung and Hyeri exchange a long look, but neither utters a sound.

“Someone speak!” you cry, wincing at the hysteria in your voice. 

Hyeri finally clears her throat, her face now fully aflame. “I believe the two of you – “ she pauses, swallowing hard. “Well, I believe the two of you have some things you need to discuss.”

Discuss? You and Lord Jung? Suddenly the panic you feel metastasizes, growing into something much darker. Has he come to admonish you, then? To punish you for your disloyalty? Has he come to lay bare every humiliating detail of that horrible night at the stables for Hyeri to hear? 

“No,” you whisper. You do your best to appear composed, despite the way your knees tremble. “I’m afraid you’re mistaken, Hyeri. I have nothing to discuss with Lord Jung.”

“Yes, you do.” The man in question speaks for the first time, his voice little more than a low rasp. “And we will.”

“No,” you repeat your refusal, shaking your head as though the movement will help sort your jumbled thoughts. “No. You have no right to turn up here and say what I will and will not do. And where did you come from? I saw you leave. I saw you mount your horse and ride off with – “

You stop yourself before you can finish the thought, flushing fiercely at the unspoken mention of the King. Your tedious, disinterested husband would be anything but if he had any inkling of this clandestine encounter.

“I was called back to the castle,” Lord Jung explains evenly. “A palace rider came bearing a missive bidding that I return at once to address an issue at the stables. I was but an hour’s ride away at the time.” Once again, he looks to Hyeri and they exchange another one of those maddening looks.

“But there was no issue at the stables,” you deduce quietly, the pieces falling into place, one by one. “Was there, Hyeri?” Your handmaid seems to shrink beneath the weight of the accusation in your eyes. 

“No, Your Grace,” she confesses weakly, “There was not.”

Oh, but your head is truly spinning now – each new revelation more disorienting than the last. How long have these two been conspiring together? What does Hyeri know about what’s transpired between you and Lord Jung? What does he know about the many private things you’ve shared with Hyeri? Both thoughts cause the bile in your stomach to rise.

“You can leave us now, Hyeri,” Lord Jung says. “Thank you.”  

Leave you? Has the man lost all good sense? You open your mouth to protest, but when met with the intensity in his glittering dark eyes, words fail you. You just stand there, mouth agape, rendered mute and immobile with shock. You look over at Hyeri, who has fixed her pleading eyes to your wide ones, her expression urging you to comply. And though you cannot make sense of a single thing that you’ve witnessed tonight, you do.

“Very well, My Lord,” she says quietly. “Rest well, Your Grace. The staff rouses at dawn.”

And with that Hyeri takes her leave, the chamber door closing behind her with a heavy thud that echoes the one in your chest.

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

Once you are alone with Lord Jung, you realize how truly vulnerable you are.

With little more than a thin nightgown to cover you, he can see far more of you than would ever be considered proper. All it would take was one shout from the man to bring the guards running, to compromise you both to the point of expulsion. Perhaps worse.

But the situation is far weightier than that. 

You’ve been vulnerable to this man from nearly the first moment you saw him. You’d been weak to his attention and charms. You’d allowed him to see you in ways that no one else has: not Chaehee, not Hyeri and certainly not the King. And the only time in your life that you’d thrown caution to the wind – and acted with abandon, not restraint – he’d mortified you. The memory of that night is a wound that’s just barely begun to heal, and now here Lord Jung stands, poised to pour salt on it. 

You’ll not allow him to devastate you again. 

“Go on then,” you say, lifting your chin and speaking with feigned bravado. “You’ve gone to great lengths to speak to me, so speak. I assume you’ll enlighten me as to which matter is so pressing that you felt the need to steal into my chamber and risk ruin for us both.”

“I know what I’m risking,” he growls. Then he stops to collect himself, exhaling deeply as he shoves a hand through his hair. “I know what we both stand to lose. But I could not come to you any other way.”

“Why have you come to me at all?” you demand. “You made your feelings quite clear the night of the festival, did you not?” You can no longer contain your bitterness and it drips from your every word. “You should go back to your sovereign, My Lord. Back to your King.”

Lord Jung looks stricken when you use his own words against him. There is a despair in his dark eyes that might have pained you once, but not now. Not anymore.

“You have every right to be angry with me, Your Grace,” he acknowledges. “And if you bid me to leave, then I will do so. But not without telling you the truth. You deserve to hear the truth.”

“Everything here is a lie. Perhaps you, most of all.”

He looks at you for a long moment before turning towards the hearth to gaze into the fire. Orange-red light illuminates his profile, sweeping across his smooth brow, over the elegant slope of his nose and down to his strong jaw. He is still the most beautiful – and most terrible man you’ve ever known.

“The King said he would give her up,” he says woodenly, staring into the flames. “When your marriage was announced, he swore it. And I believed him.”

Every muscle in your body pulls tight.

“I knew that he loved her. We all did. But he vowed that he would respect his father’s wishes and I’ve never known him to be a duplicitous man. I’ve never known him to say one thing and do another. And when I realized that he’d been deceiving you, deceiving us all, I – “ he stops and shakes his head at the memory. “ – I wasn’t thinking clearly. I confronted him at once and demanded that he explain himself.”

The argument in the courtyard. The memories come back to you in an instant. The way they’d both looked so irate, the way their voices would rise and then fall. Lord Jung turning his back on the King and stalking away into the dark. 

The tightness in your chest is unbearable now, viselike. 

“I was so damned angry,” he whispers, more to himself than to you. “Never once in my life have I imagined putting my hands on the King, but in that moment – I don’t know. I don’t know what I might have done had I not walked away. But I confronted him because I had to know why.”

He rips his gaze from the fire and turns to you, eyes flashing.

“And do you know what he told me? Do you know what he said when I asked him why he would insult you by keeping a lover? He told me that he couldn’t stay away. That he’d tried to do the honorable thing but he couldn’t stay away.”

“Why are you telling me this?” The tremor in your voice belies your pathetic attempt at composure. “If you mean to cause me pain, it’s too late. I’ve known about the King’s lover since the early days of this marriage, and I’ve accepted it. Just as I’ve accepted that I’ll never amount to more than a trinket he dusts off to show to his people.”

Lord Jung takes a step towards you, his beautiful face hard in the firelight. There’s a maelstrom behind his eyes, a polite violence that sets you to shiver.

“I’m telling you this because I need you to understand,” he says. “I want to hate him. I have tried to hate him. But I cannot. I have no position of honor to stand on. No rightful claim to virtue. I have no right to condemn the King for his sins when I have so many of my own to account for.”

“I – I don’t understand,” you say weakly.

“I have no right – “ his voice breaks, thick with emotion, “-- I have no right to denounce the King for coveting another woman.” He drags a hand down his face, distraught. “Not when I have spent every single day since you stepped out of that carriage coveting you.”

You stop breathing entirely.

“So no,” he continues, voice graveled. “I cannot bring myself to hate the King. And you were right to think me a liar. I’ve pretended that my nearness to you was benign, nothing more than an act of service. I’ve tried to make myself look honorable to you, when I have been anything but. I’ve been a liar since the moment I met you.”

You are trembling now, head to toe. Rendered speechless by Lord Jung’s confession. Slowly, the maelstrom in his eyes starts to recede. He looks as vulnerable now as you feel. 

“You deserved to know the truth,” he says quietly. “If from no one else, than from me.” 

There is a heavy silence in the seconds it takes you to find your voice.

“My Lord, I – “

“Don’t call me that,” he pleads. “Please. Not now. Not when I’ve come to you like this.”

“Very well, Hoseok. But you sent me away. In the woods that night, I’d asked you to – “ you stop, not wanting to say the words aloud. “What’s changed? Why are you telling me this now?”

“I have tried to leave you alone.” His voice is ragged now, anguished. “I thought if I could just put some distance between us – if I rose earlier and worked harder and retired later – that I could exhaust this need out of me. But I can’t.” Torment is etched into every line of his beautiful face. It makes you want to reach out and touch him but you resist, uncertainty keeping your hands pinned to your sides.

“I cannot war with myself any longer,” he says hoarsely. “I cannot continue to lie to you or myself. And if he is not willing to give you the things you desire, then I will.”

Heat rushes to your cheeks, your neck. It gathers in your belly, too.

“So if you’re asking me why now?” he says, taking another step towards you, closing what little distance remains. “It’s because I couldn’t stay away.”

He touches you then, takes your face into one warm hand and strokes his fingers down your temple, smooths the pad of his thumb over your lips. The featherlight touch raises goosebumps all over your skin. It’s more intimate than anything you’ve ever experienced with the King. 

“Do you still want me to kiss you?” he murmurs. 

“No,” you breathe. “I want so much more than that.”

He looks at you with such heat that the warmth in your belly goes molten. Then he presses his mouth to yours and slowly coaxes it open with gentle strokes of his tongue. He tastes of whiskey and smells of fine, heady soap and he does not relent until you are panting. Moisture gathers at the juncture of your thighs, beneath your thin nightgown.

But suddenly you are apprehensive. You’ve no idea how to kiss a man properly, much less satisfy him as a lover. And you’re not sure that you could ever live down the shame of disappointing him. When he finally pulls away to look down at you with heavy-lidded eyes, you have no choice but to confess.

“There’s something you should know, Hoseok,” you say, the sound of his given name still foreign in your mouth. “It’s just that – well, I am by no means a maiden but in some respects, I might as well be. I know almost nothing about how to please you.”

Anger flashes in his eyes, and for one terrifying moment you fear it’s for you.

“That is through no fault of your own,” he says darkly. “And if he’s been too much of a fool to see to your needs, then so be it.” He dips his head to press a kiss to your ear, then whispers, “Your pleasure will be mine and mine alone.”

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

Hoseok spends an inordinate amount of time tending to the fire. 

You sit on the edge of your bed and watch him, feverish with anticipation as he moves the weakest logs and adds fresh ones. Once he’s satisfied, once the chamber is glowing with fresh flames and warmth, he cleans his hands and comes to you.

Your heart rattles harder with each step he takes towards your bed. 

When he’s finally standing at the foot of your bed, he takes off his belt. And then reaches behind his head to pull his tunic away. The sight of his bare chest is enough to make your mouth go dry. His body is lithe and sleek and strong, his muscles rippling as he puts his hands down on either side of you and lowers his mouth to yours for a kiss.

“Tonight is about you, pretty bird,” he murmurs, trailing more kisses across your cheek, down your neck. “So I want you to tell me everything you want.”

“I want to see you.” The words leave you in a rush an account of the way his mouth moves from the juncture of your neck and to the hollow of your collarbone. “All of you.”

Hoseok wastes no time in straightening to his full height to remove his breeches, and then his smallclothes. And try as you might not to stare, it cannot be helped. You’ve never been able to study a man like this. Not even the King.

“Can I touch you?” 

“Please,” he groans.

And then you are cautiously reaching for him, wrapping a hand around the length of him, marveling at the way he pulses in your palm. You run your fingertips down the skin of his shaft, awestruck by how silky and warm he is. But when your fingers reach the blunt head of him, he flinches.

“I don’t – I’m sorry,” you say quickly. “Did I hurt you?

“No, no. You didn’t hurt me,” he assures you, his voice sounding a bit strangled. “I’m just sensitive there, is all.”

“Will you show me, then?” you ask, curiosity far stronger than any self-consciousness you might feel. “Show me how to touch you.”

“Of course.”

He sits down on the bed beside you, taking hold of your hand. And then you watch with a heady mix of confusion and excitement as he takes your fingers into his mouth one, by one. He finishes the unfamiliar preparation by licking a long stripe up the palm of your hand. The stroke of his tongue sends a bolt of desire racing through you.

“It’s easier like this,” he explains, guiding your hand back to his length. You take hold of him again and this time he wraps his hand around yours. He moves your hand for you, up and down the length of him, until you can feel him growing hotter and harder in your hand. You’re fascinated by it all – by how firmly he wants to be touched, by how labored his breathing becomes, by the way the muscle and sinew in his legs seem to twitch at your command.

He leans over to capture your mouth as he begins to buck into your hand in earnest. And after a while his own hand falls away, leaving you to take control of his pleasure. And what an intoxicating power he’s given you – taut muscles in his abdomen flexing with each of his strained breaths.

“That feels so good, pretty bird,” he groans, taking your bottom lip between his teeth. “Just right. Your hand feels so good around me like this.” 

The wetness you’d felt between your thighs when he’d kissed you the first time returns, and each sound of pleasure he rewards you with makes you wetter and warmer. He is rock hard in your hand now, the dusky head of his manhood shiny with moisture. You watch a bead of it appear at the tip and you slide your fingertips over it, transfixed by how smooth it feels. Beside you, Hoseok shudders.

“I think that’s enough for now,” he says, breathless. “I’ll be of no use to you if you keep that up for much longer.”

You have half a mind to protest, but then his hands are sliding over the thin material of your nightgown, cupping your breasts through the gauzy fabric. He takes one of your nipples between his fingers and teases it until it’s standing at attention. You sigh.

“Can I take this off?” he whispers, pulling at the nightgown. 

You hesitate. Not even the King has seen you nude. Not once has he ever asked you to remove your nightgown and so for a long time, that is what you’d assumed he preferred. That is, until you’d caught him in bed with his lover. 

“Look at me,” Hoseok says, sensing your anxiety. He tips your chin up until your gaze meets his own. “I’ll not ask you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to use my mouth and hands on you. On all of you.”

You inhale deeply, flustered by the way he speaks so plainly about his desires. But that’s what you want, isn’t it? What you’ve longed for all this time. And that’s what he’s promised you, isn’t it? Pleasure. Pleasure that will be his and his alone. 

You draw your nightgown up to your thighs and then raise up to pull it even higher. When you’ve finally discarded it, when there is nothing left between you and Hoseok you flush, looking away.

“You have nothing to hide,” he rasps. “You’re beautiful. Believe me, pretty bird – you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

Emboldened by the praise, you draw nearer to him and trace the outline of his heart-shaped mouth with one finger. And then it is your lips that find his; your tongue that moves past the seam of his lips and your teeth that find the shell of his ear. You thread your fingers in his hair, and he groans, gathering you close.

“You can’t imagine how many nights I’ve dreamed of you like this,” he says, gently laying you back on the bed. “You can’t imagine how many nights I’ve taken myself in hand to these fantasies.”

Oh, but you can imagine, can’t you? The few times you’d dared to try and seek your own pleasure, it had been him in your mind’s eye as your hand was between your legs. It had always been him. 

Hoseok’s mouth leaves yours and when it  finds the tip of one aching breast, you gasp.

“Do you like that?” he goads, laving your nipple with his tongue, taking it between his teeth. The pang of pleasure he incites in you is so sharp, you cry out. “Your body is so responsive,” he murmurs. “So damned responsive.”

There is only so much of that particular torture you can take, and so when his mouth finally leaves your breasts you exhale a sigh of relief. But then his mouth is on your sternum, and then your stomach, and then –

You freeze.

“I want to kiss you here,” Hoseok explains, cupping your mound with one large hand. “I promised you pleasure and this is the surest way to it. Will you let me?”

He looks up at you from the edge of the bed, his dark hair wild and his dark eyes glossy with desire, his mouth hovering over your most secret place. Your pulse skitters, heart pounding erratically at the thought of him kissing you there.

“Is it – is it proper?” you ask, chiding yourself at once for asking such a stupid question. Your face flames when Hoseok raises a brow. “I don’t know that I’ve ever thought to consider the … propriety of such an act,” he says slowly. “But I know that you’ll enjoy it if you allow me to show you. And if you don’t enjoy it, I’ll stop.”

In the seconds that follow, you think about the way he’d let you take him in hand. How he’d showed you how to bring him pleasure, without reserve. How powerful you’d felt when he’d been shuddering under your touch. He’d trusted you, hadn’t he? Just as you now must trust him.

“Alright,” you whisper, nodding your assent. “I trust you.”

He grins at you then, wickedly, before lowering his mouth to your mons. And then he is kissing you there, softly, each brush of his lips moving lower and lower still. Until you feel the heat of his breath at your entrance. You tense.

“Relax for me,” he instructs, licking a long, wet stripe up the length of you. The touch sends a frisson of sensation shooting through your limbs. “Close your eyes and try to think of nothing but this.”

And then he sets his tongue to the tiny pearl at your entrance. 

And at once, you see stars.

“H-Hoseok!” you gasp, your hips flying off the bed at the contact. The urge to snap your legs shut is almost as strong as the urge to push deeper into the pleasing press of his tongue. Almost.

But he pins your legs down with his arms and continues the onslaught, stroking and licking at you with his tongue, nipping at you with his teeth. You grab fistfulls of the duvet as though it might ground you somehow, keep you from bursting into flame.

And then he slides one long finger into you.

You are incoherent now, moaning and begging in broken sentences that do not make sense. But your body is responding in ways that your words cannot, hips moving in time with his mouth. Each pass of his tongue sends sharp spikes of pleasure to your core. You’d thought you’d known what this pleasure felt like, that perhaps you’d be able to reach it on your own someday, but never once had it been like this. 

And then you can feel it – the coil turning inside you, the desperate ascent to the one place you’ve never been able to reach. And it’s so close, so so close – the promise of whatever awaits on the other side strong enough to sate this nameless craving that you’ve felt for so long. It’s within your reach now, if only you can just hold on.

And then it stops.

He takes his mouth and tongue away and the pleasure vanishes. “Hoseok, no,” you cry, sapped of all energy, robbed once again of the relief you so desperately seek. “Please,” you beg weakly, “please.”

But he’s at your side now, the length of his body resting against yours, his manhood hard and hot against your leg. “Come now, pretty bird,” he soothes, “I didn’t bring you this high just to let you fall.”

He presses his lips to your ear at the same time he presses his fingers back to the aching bud between your thighs. “Go on then,” he whispers. “Fly.”

He brings every sensation he’d wrought from you rushing back with his fingers. His mouth hovers at your ear, whispering his encouragement until the coil inside you snaps. He must have known that you’d not be able to contain yourself when you came apart because he covers your mouth with his own, swallowing the sobs he wrenches from you, bringing you down slowly as you come apart.

And when you finally come to your senses again, when your breathing has evened and your heart has slowed and every part of you feels liquid and languid, he smiles.

“I couldn’t risk you waking the entire castle,” he explains apologetically, pressing a kiss to your temple. “Forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” you shudder through your quiet laughter, aftershocks of sensation rippling through you. “Quite the opposite, in fact. I’ve never – never experienced anything like that.”

“That’s mine,” he murmurs, going up on one elbow. “Just as I told you it would be.”

Indeed. But what about his pleasure? The firm reminder of it remains pressed against you, the rigid length of it leaking onto your duvet. You reach for it and he draws a sharp breath through his clenched teeth.

“I want to feel you inside me,” you say softly, noting the way a muscle tics in his jaw. You wrap your hand around him and squeeze, astounded by how feverishly hot he feels. “Please.”

Hoseok nods, climbing over you and settling his hips between your thighs. He takes himself in hand and when you feel the blunt head of him at your entrance, you tense again. But he doesn’t enter you right away. Instead he looks down at you, his dark eyes brimming with emotion.

“Are you certain,” he breathes, his brow dotted with a fine sheen of sweat. “I need to hear you say it.”

You lift up to kiss him, pressing your lips to his. “Take me, Hoseok,” you whisper. “Now.”

And in one sure stroke, he’s buried to the hilt inside you. 

Bodies sealed, fates sealed.

The force of his entry steals the breath from your lungs. And though you’ve been breached before, it’s never felt like this. You’re still sensitive from the pleasure he’d given you only moments before and each of his thrusts only heightens the sensation. 

You cling to him as he rocks against you, closing your eyes to revel in the fullness. He buries his head in your neck and thrusts harder, the sound of his skin meeting yours just as gratifying as it is lurid. And when he reaches between you to press his fingers to your pearl once again, impossibly you feel fresh pleasure begin to bloom.

Broken phrases fall from his lips, a string of curses and blessings and everything in between. And his coarse language doesn’t scandalize you; in fact it only causes you to hurtle towards the peak faster. And then you’re flying again – flying apart, scattering into a million pieces. Crying into his mouth as your release explodes into color and tiny wisps of fire slowly drift back to the earth.

But you come back to yourself just as his rhythm has started to falter, just as the steady cant of his hips becomes so frenetic that you know his own release is near. You have only a moment to mourn the loss of his weight and his warmth before he’s on his knees before you.

You’ve never seen anything more erotic. Firelight flickers over him as he throws his head back, the cords in his neck clenching as he takes himself in hand. And then he is groaning, long and low, as his release spills on to the duvet.

Then he collapses onto you, wrapping you up in his arms, turning you both until he’s on his back and your head rests upon his chest. And then you both lie there for a while, skin to skin,  watching the flames cast shadows on the stone.

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

Neither one of you sleep, the threat of dawn too near to indulge in any such luxury. 

“What happens now, Hoseok?”

You ask the question after he’s made love to you a second time, both of you too exhausted to move. Hoseok inhales and exhales deeply. “I don’t know. I have no control over the world outside of that chamber door, pretty bird.”

You map the lines of his chest with one finger, thoughtful.

“You told me earlier that if the King would not give me the things I desire, you would. Did you mean that?”

“I did,” Hoseok says, pressing a kiss to your hair. “If it’s within my power, then I will. I will give you anything I can.”

“Thank you,” you whisper, closing your eyes and breathing deeply. “Thank you.”

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

You sit by the window and take in the afternoon sunlight, eyes drooping as you fight to stay awake.

You cannot ever remember being so tired. You sleep in fits and starts now, two or three hours at a time. And your body is too fatigued to talk up walking again, though the fresh air and exercise would do you some good. But you will walk again, soon. It won’t be long before you’re sitting with your birds and reading in the gentle Spring breeze.

Hyeri charges into the room like a bull, the tea tray in her hand clattering loudly. You narrow her eyes at her as she approaches and she fixes you with a sardonic look.“Oh, hush you,” she grumbles, setting the tray down on the table and walking over to you. “I wasn’t that loud.”

But her scowl falls away as her gaze locks on the baby at your breast, her muted eyes glowing with admiration. 

“That’s a fine Prince you have there, Your Grace,” she says softly. Then she looks up at you and her scowl returns. “Though at the rate you’re going, I’ll never get to hold him, will I? You’ve an entire staff to help you with him, and still you refuse. You’re going to make that boy rotten.”

You chuckle under your breath as you stroke your hand over the tuft of downy hair at your son’s crown. He blinks up at you with his huge dark eyes, and your heart is filled to overflowing with a love that you once you thought you’d never know. 

⚜️⚜️⚜️⚜️

y,all i finished it! hahah okay so listen. if you'd like to talk to me, i'd love to hear from you. please consider reblogging and dropping me an ask 💕

[moments-on-film]

Moments on Film: Carmy’s True Purpose

Hello everyone! I hope you’ve been well. I haven’t posted in a while, life has been hectic, but I wanted come back to share a post I had been working on this Fall. It’s is a follow up post to my series, Carmy doesn’t know who he is yet. I have one more piece to share in this series. In the first piece, I explained how Carmy is not currently in touch with who he is and what actually makes him happy because his original passion, art, has been beaten out of him. So far in his life, Carmen’s done the only thing he thinks he can do, stay in the kitchen. But he’s not living a life and his heart is frozen.

Carmy is abused, traumatized, exhausted, and his heart is simply not in the kitchen anymore, and maybe it never was.

He suffers from severe nightmares, night terrors, and debilitating anxiety, and is sick and it all stems from trauma forged in the fires of the various kitchens of his life. Because of his extreme commitment to being a chef, and a great chef, he has absolutely no personal life, no friends outside of work, no joy, no sense of play or fun or happiness.

There are so many examples of Carmy’s heart not being in the kitchen anymore, from the first episode to the last. Carmy has also never fully exhibited the true characteristics, strengths and skills needed to be a great leader. This is why he always feels off. He’s not great at communicating, he is not in control of his personal triggers, which cause his personal life to impact his professional life, he is not good at any of the backend skills that are required to be the “captain the ship”, such as business acumen, finance, interpersonal skills. This is because being the leader of the restaurant is not his true purpose, it’s literally fixing everyone else up to run it without him and then leaving to go live the life he should living, and not his sad shell of an existence. He does have a very important leadership skill needed to do this: seeing beauty, seeing the best in others, and seeing other people’s strengths before they can see it in themselves. Let me explain. How Carmy’s skill will lead him to his ultimate purpose.

In season 1

When Carmy meets Sydney, he quickly assesses her skill and potential, and almost instantly relinquishes his power as the leader of the restaurant and bestows it on her, he says he will “dial business” and tells her, “you are everything else.” Ironically, he doesn’t even “dial business”, in S2, by calling the fridge guy, leading to his own downfall.

Carmy literally says “I can’t do this” in his nightmare in 1x8.

In the Al-Anon monologue in 1x8, Carmy states his purpose, maybe to “fix the whole family” by fixing the restaurant. This doesn’t mean his family by blood. As he tells Natalie in 2x9, “family is also not an exact science.” He’s talking subconsciously about his chosen family of Sydney, Richie, Tina, Marcus, Fak. And isn’t that what Carmy spent the majority of S2 actually doing? Knowing what each person on his team needs in order to be “fixed”, pushed to dig deep, make the most of their strengths, passions and gifts and achieve their ultimate potential.

A major major revelation for me that Carmy wants out and that he has no problem handing over the reigns to his capable team took place in the finale of S1. Sydney, not Carmy, brings Michael’s spaghetti to the table.

Gif source: @chefkids

This really stood out to me when I first saw it. I immediately thought, why isn’t he doing this? Michael gave him the recipe, it was the last thing he ever gave him, and he cooked it. It should have been Carmy. It really should have. Just like it should have been Carmy that created a dish named in honor of his brother. He didn’t. It is Marcus that has the honor. Again, the first time I heard Marcus say “the Michael”, when Carmy asked what the cannoli was called, I teared up and then said out loud, “that should have been you.”

In 2x1, Carmy tells Richie, “this shits not fun for me”, and tells Sydney “F stars”, and “we’re trapped” (if we get one). Look at his eyes in the gif below. He knows what it will mean and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

When Carmy sees Claire in the freezer aisle of Potash Grocery store, he openly tells her he told Mrs. Kelly’s son “don’t do it” when he was asked advice on becoming a chef. Then he gets reflective and says, “I should really listen to myself.”

I discussed in a prior piece how “just keep going” has been Carmy’s mantra his entire life. It’s been his survival technique because it has had to be. He’s exhausted, traumatized, sick, in pain and desperately in need of a reset. In my opinion, in S2, he’s looking for any excuse to subconsciously jump ship, not be the captain of it, which is why he let himself get distracted with Claire.

For much of S2, Carmy is actually giving pieces of himself in the restaurant away. He gives Tina his knife, which is so sweet but it’s also a little jarring. He gives Marcus a “spot” in Copenhagen to train. Tina and Ebrahim get sent to culinary school. Richie gets sent to stage at Ever, a 3 Star Michelin restaurant. Natalie is the COO and has taken over the office. It’s no longer his, it belongs to Natalie. He is setting everyone else up to take over. Sydney is the CDC. He tells her, “it’s your ship now, Captain”, and she opens the doors, not Carmy, when it’s time to open. Carmy can’t do paperwork, or manage the business end of the restaurant, but he also isn’t contributing by innovating and being a consistent leader.

In the kitchen, two hours before the soft open, Carmy is finally “there”. He’s barking orders, catching everything he’s missed, but he is completely going through the motions. His commands are joyless. Sydney, Tina, and the crew say “yes Chef”, but there’s none of the teamwork, camaraderie, and dare I say, fun, as when Richie is running the pass and expoing with his whole heart when Carmy’s trapped in the freezer.

When Uncle Jimmy asks Carmy, “do you want to be the guy? Then be the f-ing guy”, you can see Carmy glaze over. No. Carmy doesn’t want to be the guy. Not the guy in the restaurant. Not anymore.

Even Carmy’s new monogrammed chef coat is another example of how Carmy is disappearing and fading away. His former coat had dark blue initials in an elegant cursive font. His new coat has his initials in plain font, in white stitching, barely visible, unless you look for it hard.

In the end, Carmy is locked out and left behind in his own restaurant because subconsciously he doesn’t want to be there.

I have written about this in various posts, but I truly believe Carmy’s character arc is to get back to his original passion, which is art. Michael knows this is a gift of his, and thanks to the menu sketches he drew for the new most important person in his life, now so does Sydney.

Michael’s final note to Carmen was the recipe for spaghetti for him to fix for family meal, the words, “I love you dude”, and “Let it rip.” But what if Michael was really saying find the money, take it and everything you’ve learned and FIX the family to go on with the restaurant without you (something Mikey was never able to do while he was alive) and then once you’ve done that, “Let it RIP”, as in Rest In Peace. Leave. Get out. Don’t be scared. Go for it. And discover the life you’re truly meant to be living.

©️moments-on-film 2023

[welcometothejianghu]

Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 民国奇探/My Roommate is a Detective.

My Roommate is a Detective is a 2020 drama about the Jazz Age shenanigans of a terrible OT3: a useless noodle boy, a spoiled journalist girl, and a handsome thug-turned-cop, who together solve Agatha Christie mysteries in 1920s Shanghai.

I mean, seriously, have you ever wondered what Hercule Poirot would be like if he were a 6'2" Chinese rubber man? If he had a long-suffering sugar daddy from the wrong side of the tracks and a spunky sugar mommy who owned their shared apartment? The answer is, it would be a laugh-out-loud-funny series about a ridiculous and charming assortment of weirdos solving only slightly believable murder mysteries in charming period clothing.

This is another one of those shows where I'm kind of shocked at how not well-known it is, except I'm not, because I can see exactly the problems that keep fandom from descending on it like horny little vultures. Nonetheless, I think it's a good time that more people would enjoy if they gave it the chance. Here's five reasons why you should:

1. Equal parts smart as heck and dumb as butts

On the one hand, especially given its tone and tenor, this show has many surprisingly clever turns and thoughtful moments, carried along by some talented actors. On the other hand, [.gif of a guinea pig in a rollerskate being pushed merrily down a hallway]

This show is not a complicated intellectual exercise. It's an action comedy about a goofy sleuth, a rich-girl reporter, and the cop who should be the straight man in this trio, except he's as much of a goober as the other two are. If the promotional tableaus are giving you real "cover of a Clue box" vibes, you've understood the kind of pastiche it's pulling off.

The mysteries are preposterous. They're all the kind of thing that exemplify the Doyle line about how, when you've eliminated the impossible, whatever's left has got to be the answer, no matter how ding-dang improbable it may be. You know the type: tons of overly elaborate setups, unbelievably perfect timing, coincidental long-lost relatives, people hallucinating right and left. They're also very short -- most full cases take only 2-3 episodes to introduce, investigate, and resolve, even when interspersed with the larger goings-on in these weirdos' lives. The DramaWiki page for the show lists 23 separate arcs over 36 episodes, so you do the math.

And yet, it's way more thoughtful and clever than its doofy little setup would indicate. Its attention to detail surprised me on more than one occasion. Add to that a bunch of solid performances from an ensemble of real characters, and what you get is definitely more substantive than a junk-food waste of time. You can't turn your brain off while watching it, but you sure can turn it down, and that's great.

It also doesn't hurt that everyone is super attractive and wearing great outfits. The whole show's worth it for the wardrobes.

2. THE GIRL

Fuck the haters, fuck everyone, I am going to climb right up on my little soapbox and tell you all why Bai Youning is awesome.

She is insane. She's a troll. She's a clever little monster. Every other character's response to her is, oh my god, you are literally the worst. And she is! She has been spoiled beyond belief by her incredibly rich Crime Dad, and she has learned to leverage her uwu just a widdle girl status to get her whatever the hell she wants. She simply cannot hear it when someone says the word "no." She will look her future sister-in-law in the eye and point a loaded gun at her own head without blinking. Every ball she has is made of brass.

She's hardly perfect. During the course of the show, there are some times where her entitlement runs face-first into the brick wall of reality. She's not nearly as good at her chosen career path as she's been told (mostly by the people who get paid to tell her she's good). She's rarely prepared to deal with the consequences of her actions, especially when she can't just throw money at the problem.

So she learns, and grows, and changes. She's always going to be a stubborn bitch, but she can become a stubborn bitch with a more accurate conception of her relationship to the world around her.

She's actually a really good romantic foil for Lu Yao, who is equally stubborn and spoiled and obnoxious as hell. It is a pure brat4brat relationship, where each one thrives on comically enraging the other. What this means, though, is that when they actually start showing one another some vulnerability, it's really sweet.

Now: I'm pretty sure that you could not have made a female character in her position that everyone did not hate, no matter how cool you made her, because that is the fate of all girls who theoretically keep the two boys from kissing. (More on that next point.) If she were less outgoing and friendly, she would've been hated for being too cold. If she were less headstrong, she would've been hated for being a pushover. If she weren't as into the boy, she would've been hated for being frigid. I know the "god forbid a woman do anything" meme is a joke, but ... man, god forbid this girl do anything. She gets a level of hate entirely disproportionate to what she's actually like. As I said with Eom Dada, it's not always sexism, but sometimes, yeah, it's sexism.

(Real talk: Her character is also fighting both how she's definitely not written as well as the boys are and how the plot sometimes needs her to be artificially stupid and jealous for Straightness Drama Reasons, so that's a legit problem on a structural level. Also, she's dubbed by someone else and the boys aren't, which gives her voice an annoying not-quite-there quality that's hard to ignore. The deck is stacked against her real hard even before she steps onscreen.)

So here's my advice: Go into this show wanting to like her. Embrace her terribleness as a positive, intentional quality. Don't be mad at her for straightening up an endgame that was never going to be gay, even without her. Welcome her contributions to the chaos. Realize that she is exactly as entertainingly irritating as her boys are.

Truly, this is a story of three terrible people in love. They're all just awful, and you wouldn't want to be in a room with any of them for longer than you had to. Left to right up there, Bai Youning is spoiled and self-absorbed, Lu Yao is arrogant and lazy, and Qiao Chusheng is suuuuuch a fucking cop. If you're into the kind of dynamic that can only be described OT3: You All Deserve One Another, then this one's perfect for you.

3. Do you really miss '00s queerbaiting?

Like, really? Are you just super-nostalgic for being able to see the showrunners go, ha ha, girls, we know you're watching and we know you want these cute boys to kiss, which they never will -- but what if we pretended for just this one scene??? Do you just carnally ache for that with every fiber of your being?

Yep.

Now, why am I calling the occasional really gay moments between these two gentlemen "queerbaiting" and not "bromance"? Because these moments are a) obviously intentional, b) completely sporadic, and c) never spoken of again.

For example: There's a scene (which you can see a gifset of here) where the two of them are at a restaurant frequented by the cop, who brings a lot of ladies there on dates. When the waiter points this out, useless noodle boy says, I'm his date. The waiter looks mildly surprised by this, the cop says not to listen to his bullshit, and that's the end of it. The scene moves on. There is no further discussion of this comment. It does not affect their relationship.

That's the essence of queerbaiting: that little on-purpose nod to the homoerotic tension between the two, in a way that isn't a joke but also isn't not a joke, and either way is never going to happen. (In fact, the show is going to go out of its way to make sure that ship gets sunk, so, uh, get your fanfiction lifeboats ready for that.)

A true queerbaiting move is something that should make a difference in a relationship, but doesn't. It should make a difference that our cop is so comfortable in the noodle boy's personal space that he invades it at will. It doesn't. It should make a difference that noodle boy keeps getting real weird every time the cop has a date with a girl. It doesn't. Those are some real romantic moves the two of them keep pulling, and then nothing comes of them.

I had this show sold to me as being incredibly shippy, to the point of being even more so than its censored-BL contemporaries. And ... well, it is and it isn't. It has textually gayer individual moments, but it is much less pervasively gay. It's clear from the start that it's going to throw all its actual relationship points into its canon het romance. When it comes to these boys, the show is toying with you. It knows you want to see those boys smooch, just as much as it knows (and it knows you know) they're never gonna.

How you feel about this is entirely up to you -- and indeed, it may be a dealbreaker on the whole drama for you. If you are inclined to pitch a fit when your ship does not become canon, you'll be happier somewhere else. If, however, you see this as a delightful opportunity to do whatever the hell you want with the situation as it is presented, all the while enjoying little moments of startlingly blatant homoeroticism between two handsome dudes, well, here you are!

(I mean, if you want my take on it, what needs to happen is that the cop and the girl need to fuck while the useless noodle boy watches with asexual bisexual interest, and then they all need to snuggle with the noodle boy in the middle so they can both annoy him appropriately, but your mileage may vary.)

4. The multicultural extravaganza!

1920s Shanghai had a lot going on in terms of cultures and languages, and this show actually does a fair job of representing that.

By now, I've seen a number of shows set during this era, and they all at least acknowledge the international nature of the city -- usually by mentioning the French Concession and having a handful of evil Japanese characters. However, this is the first time I've seen a show go to such lengths to actually show so many non-Chinese characters onscreen, even to the point of making one a recurring character supporting the main squad.

Salim is the best. Whatever he is being paid, it's not enough. He's Qiao Chusheng's right-hand man, which means he is also the dude who most often has to put up the main trio's bullshit. (The actor himself is also a dude with a pretty cool backstory, which is another great layer.) He's sharp, he's loyal, he's patient, and he looks great with his shirt off. He's got it all!

Other non-Chinese characters include a white Jewish art collector (I'd issue a warning for period-typical antisemitism, except … honestly, it's mostly just confused), a sadistic priest who maybe is supposed to be Italian, a completely different priest who [last episode spoiler], and three whole sinister white dudes behind it all.

It's not just the world coming to China, though! A large number of the Chinese characters are said to have spent significant time outside of China, whether for business or for schooling. Near the end, when some characters are discussing moving away from Shanghai, they consider a number of foreign cities as potential destinations.

Here's a delightful detail: When Lu Yao and his sister speak English, they're dubbed by actors with posh British accents who sound like native (or near-native) English-speakers. This makes perfect sense, because both of the siblings did a lot of their schooling in the UK. When Bai Youning speaks English, she's dubbed by someone who speaks English very well but also has a noticeable Chinese accent, which makes perfect sense for her character's background. And Qiao Chusheng never speaks English at all, because he's a street tough who has no reason to know more than three words.

...This is also kind of weird to say about something literally made in China, but go with me on it: Everything's kind of got that Art Deco Orientalist vibe to it. It looks like China's idea of what Britain's idea of China during that period would have looked like. The result comes across less like what 1920s Shanghai would actually have looked like, and more what an ad for 1920s Shanghai would have looked like. It's a fascinating aesthetic, and more so for how it's mostly pretty subtle. The show isn't some visual extravaganza, but it's always very nice to look at, and I appreciate that in a show.

5. A wonderful horrible protagonist

A lot of mystery-themed prestige television involves an asshole genius detective who gets away with being a dick to everyone because he's sooooo smart, while all his long-suffering friends and colleagues spend a lot of time doing damage control for him because, sigh, he's an asshole but we need him, genius excuses all dickhead behavior, we'll always make exceptions for him because he's just ever so special. (Watch histrionic sage hbomberguy's video on Sherlock if you're unfamiliar with the trope.)

Lu Yao is an asshole genius detective, but one who winds up spending most of his time being an asshole to a) people who deserve it, or b) his horrible friends who will be assholes right back at him. When he is awful to the people who don't deserve it, the show smacks him pretty hard on the nose for it and makes him apologize.

This is a show where you'll figure out pretty quckly if you'll love it or hate it, because if you love Lu Yao, you'll love it, and vice versa. He carries most of the show himself, with his goofy charm and his incredibly bendy slenderman body and his ability to make the one competent person he knows both protect him and give him money.

Like so.

For my own part, I find him intensely charming, and I think a lot of this has to do with Hu Yitian's ability to play him as an affectionately bullyable weenie who needs to get shoved in a locker for his own good. He's the worst, and it's comically endearing instead of offputting because at the end of the day, he really does have a good heart. He's just also lazy as heck and disinclined to do anything that he does not want to be doing, and really, aren't we all?

As I alluded to in point 3, he comes across as real asexual. He's just not that interested in sex, and he is in fact pretty uncomfortable in situations where he finds himself the subject of someone else's sexual desires. He's perfectly capable of romantic feelings! I mean, not only does he get Bai Youning as a love interest, we actually meet one of his ex-girlfriends. He's just not partciularly horny about them -- which is even more noticeable as a sharp contrast to how extremely horny Qiao Chusheng is for just about everyone, but this exasperating little dork in particular.

(Like seriously, 90% of the time, Chusheng is about to explode with sexual frustration at Lu Yao's skinny oblivious ass.)

This isn't to say you couldn't get Lu Yao into bed, because you absolutely could, and he'd probably have a good time. You'd just have to remove all distractions from the room, lest his ADHD ass wind up running off to solve a crime mid-coitus.

Twiggy little nightmare man. Garbage-animal boy. Love him.

sidebar: A word about the ending

I'm going to be vague and talk about general vibes instead of specific events, but you should still skip this section if you want to remain completely unspoiled. Jump to the picture of Chusheng holding the sledgehammer.

Okay, so, a lot of people do not like the ending, and I'm including myself in that number. I honestly don't know if they got rushed and had to wrap everything pretty last-minute, or if they thought they might get a second season out of it and were leaving things open-ended accordingly. Either way, it's incredibly unsatisfying.

I think there's a clue that the show didn't actually want to end this way, and it's not actually in the text of the show itself. Every episode, between the last scene and the start of the credits, you get to see a couple still frames from the episode (usually some of the queerbaity ones). After the very final shot of the series, you get two images: the boys hugging goodbye, and Chusheng's upset face. That's not a resolution! That is at best a "to be continued..." ending!

But no, that's it. That's all, folks.

It's not quite an ending so bad it ruins the rest of the show, mostly because it doesn't feel finished, so it's less like you're watching a car being deliberately driven into a wall because someone thought that was the best route to take, and more like you're watching someone leave a car on the railroad tracks because they figured they'd have time to move it later.

As far as I know, there has been no noise made about a second season. These 36 episodes are the entirety of the narrative. It had the distinct misfortune to start airing in March 2020, which wasn't exactly prime time for planning sequels, and that seems to have been that. (There is a 2022 show called Checkmate that stars the two main guys in extremely similar roles, also adapting Agatha Christie stories, but it's apparently pretty meh? Somebody else who's actually seen it, go ahead and weigh in here.)

I'll say that if you turn off the episode right after Lu Yao gets out the handcuffs, you'll save yourself the worst of it the awkward and unsatisfying moments (though I'm impressed at your willpower to stop watching something five minutes from the end). That's not all of it, though. Structurally, there are several situations rushed to a resolution and loose threads left flapping untied in the breeze. I guess stopping before the last five minutes simply saves you the hope that it'll pull a good ending out of the fire, because it won't.

And let's be real: The more you hate Bai Youning and her romance with Lu Yao, the more you'll hate the ending. (Not that liking those elements will necessarily make you like the ending, of course, because I'm a fan of hers and I still think the ending is butts.) The ending is already like a pair of uncomfortable shoes; if the het romance especially makes you grind your teeth, the ending becomes a pair of uncomfortable shoes that also have a rock in them. A lot of the comments online indicate plenty of people dropped the show when they learned the het romance would be endgame. It's a pretty common dealbreaker.

Oh well. Bring on the fanfic, I say! Those of us who are used to taking a sledgehammer to canon are unafraid.

Smash it, baby.

Still want to see some of these mysteries?

Both iQiyi and Viki have the answer to your sleuthing!

It's not a perfect show -- as evidenced by my digression about the ending -- but it's a lot of fun. If you can handle the occasional foible and some eyebrow-raising moments, you're in for a good time with some attractive people that occasionally tastes very gay.

Every roommate crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man

[respectthepetty]

i will literally have to set the entire world on fire if it turns out soong did it. at the very least i will have. to lay facedown and sob for eternity like that one gif

Congrats, Anon, you've unlocked a

Playboyy Wild Ass Theory

This is truly the wildest ass theory I have ever had.

TLWR: The twins' dad is the sugar daddy and the housekeeper is going to be blamed.

I 100% KNOW Soong didn't do it.

My boy is innocent!

I knew that tape would come back to haunt Soong, and I liked that it came in the episode about people's sex tapes being leaked, even if the sex was consensual because the dad trying to force Soong into leaving his son by using that tape against him was disgusting.

The dad had that to hang over Soong's head, which Soong shrugged off, but whatever else the dad had on Soong has him pressed, and like I've mentioned before, I think Soong was the dog in the film.

I think the harness is in the perfect spot to cover up his tattoo.

I KNOW Soong did not kill anybody, but he also had a flashback to homeboy crying on his couch when First was crying.

I think this mysterious sugar daddy gave Soong good $$$ to film more sexually aggressive films,

but something happened that made the deal go south which is why the guys left the Playboyy Club since the transaction *should* be simple: sex = money . . .

Which is why I think Nuth is still lying since he is the only filmmaker on the roster who could've shot those films.

As @scarefox and @slonekaru mention in their post, all roads lead to this sugar daddy because we have been told he is very possessive and violent,

Which is why I think Soong is running scared instead of just simply breaking up with First.

And even though Prom had a dream about a body being found in a forest, which would later become a reality, this might be why Prom was in the hotel video since we know his life is being funded by this sugar daddy as well, so he might have tasked Prom with cleaning up a mess.

We've gone nine episodes hearing whispers of this sugar daddy, but I think we've heard more than whispers.

But how could Porsche not know his sugar daddy is his roommate's dad? How could Prom not know who his sex buddy's dad is? Because they DO know who he is!

Each episode begins with news highlighting sexual violence and a good portion of the cases have focused on people in power abusing their authority to either shame sex workers or sexually harm others as well as government officials being blackmailed for having sex in public restrooms or via webcam, parents forcing their children into sex work, and housekeepers being framed for murder.

All are interesting cases, but that last one is the most intriguing.

So like I wrote at the beginning, I think the twins' dad is the sugar daddy and this mysterious housekeeper is going to take the blame because if the dad is pissed about his sugar babies looking at other men, how livid would he be if he found out his own son was involved in sex work?

It seems wild, which is why it is my wildest ass theory yet, but what I do know, without a doubt, is my boy Soong is innocent. I know it doesn't look good for him right now.

But I would bet mine and his life on it.

Let's hope the narrative doesn't demand payment.

[certifiedlurker]

My post is inspired by therealrashid's post. Please check it out, it is so beautiful.

Okay so I don't have much to say but still bear with me for a few lines.

I was wondering about devil's minion. Like whatever I heard via fandom osmosis about the books. And I don't know if we will get it in the show, but if we don't, and this episode was the adaptation of the chapter, then by god is it the most beautiful thing ever.

Daniel has always been the boy to Louis hasn't he? In Dubai it even slips out-"our boy is tired" etc etc. And I know from posts about the books that Daniel was the beautiful boy to Armand...Daniel is the bright young boy reporter to Louis.

How many times in the books had Armand come running to save Daniel, when he was at his most down (that's how I interpreted the book posts as)? How many times in the show did Louis's voice save Daniel when he was feeling hopeless?

...this room doesn't matter, this night doesn't matter. You're not inconsequential, or a junkie. You're a bright, young reporter with a point of view. There are stories that need to be told. If things ever get bad again, these are the words you'll hear in your mind like a tape playing over and over. Like a song stuck in your brain, these words will hold you up and carry you. They are your lifeline

Did it carry Daniel when he was trying to get clean? During his divorce? When his daughters stopped talking to him? During his diagnosis?

In the books, apparently, Armand would force Daniel to do his bidding ( at least initially)-calling Paris/teaching him about technology etc etc. In the books he tried to understand who is this boy who had gotten Louis's interview. Armand kept Daniel locked up the first time he came across him.

In the show Armand keeps Daniel locked up too, torturing him, asking if the coldness is what makes him fascinating and that Daniel simply must teach Armand to be so. Daniel does his bidding, afterall how can he not when Armand is forcing Daniel's body to contort this way and that like a puppet?

And during all this, Louis keeps pleading with Armand to let the boy go and is finally successful when he promises that he will stay...and man I don't know how to express what I am feeling right now, because oof!

It is Louis who saved Daniel! It always was him!! He is the one who burnt up, cradles Daniel's face. He is the one who gives Daniel a gift of life- something that Daniel still falls back on when he feels out of control-Armand's reveal/real Rashid/ I am a bright young reporter...

The post I linked wonders, if Louis is mirroring Daniel even in the longevity of life too. Maybe there is a pact he made with himself that "as long as Daniel lives, I live too." And I can't help but wonder about a post a book reader made once: Armand couldn't bear to think of a world without Daniel and this was what forced his hand to break his promise about fledglings.

So if there truly is such a pact in the show, then does the regard Louis feels for this human life, not beautifully parallel the weight Armand felt in the books?

Gif by redmyeyes

Basically I don't know if we will get a Devil's minion. But if this is it, then I tip my hat to the showmakers. I do! I do!!

[darling-wendy]

rei and miri's physicality: a chronological analysis (part 2)

Part one is here.

I accidentally missed this one from episode 3, and I am kicking myself because it is such A Moment, so I'm putting it here since I maxed out photos in part one.

Miri insists that the whole family sleep together, and what are Rei and Kazuki gonna do, say no? This moment is later referred to by both Miri and Rei, so it clearly left an impression. I genuinely wonder if they ever did it again or if the one time was so impactful. Anyway, I die at Miri's tiny fingers being curled around strands of Rei's hair.

Episode 7!

I think this is the only time we see Rei carrying Miri to the outside of the apartment as they're leaving the house, and I don't think Kazuki has done it either, so it was probably him trying to save time by running down with her since he believes they're running late for daycare.

Just more of Miri casually climbing on Rei again. After Rei heeds her comment (by ordering fries lmao. Rei, you disaster), she beams and clings harder.

Side note, it's funny how the cat shirt is clearly an indoor garment for him. He was sleeping in it and stopped to change into the purple shirt to take Miri to daycare despite running late (or so he thinks). He then he changes back into the cat shirt after they return.

In contrast to episode 3, this time when Miri climbs in the tub to sleep with Rei, he lets her. She probably wanted company after Kazuki "abandoned" them (and perhaps Rei did too).

Miri nuzzles Rei's hand in the cutest, softest, and most heart breaking way when he touches her head and asks if she's sick, and I hate that I don't have a gif of it to put here.

Once again, Rei picks her up so carefully :<

And this time he doesn't change his shirt. He just wraps Miri in a blanket and runs to Kyu 🥺 Look at his face, he's so worried about her.

Kazuki returns and finds them like this and it's so soft. Rei fell asleep kneeling at Miri's bedside, holding her hand. That's not a comfortable position to fall asleep in, even for Rei. The doctors probably reassured him that it was a typical cold that little kids will often get, but he was so worried, he kept a vigil by her bedside.

Episode 9! A big chunk of the episode is dedicated to Rei getting comfortable to open up more emotionally and have more confidence in his ability to be there for Miri. And then it culminates in the parent-child race.

Little kids using their whole hands to hold a couple of their dad's fingers is a very specific uwu button, but it sets me off every time. Not only was this moment referenced in the OP, it's also one of the only ones that's a direct scene lift

I love that they writers had the two of them hold Miri by the hand and carry her. That's such a gooey parent thing and I love to see it. I always wondered if it wasn't technically cheating, but never mind that, Miri got her medal lol.

Side note, Rei and Kazuki simply looking at each other and knowing exactly what they're both going to do--and them dusting all the others despite having fallen well behind--is so dear to me. Partners in work and childcare.

Piggyback! Now Rei has carried her in all possible ways. Not sure why Kazuki apologised for having Rei carry Miri when the stuff he's holding looked way more cumbersome to me lol. I personally thinks Rei enjoys carrying Miri around, especially when she's sleeping. Just a hunch.

Episode 10! A bittersweet one. Though not in terms of physicality for these two. Rei doesn't hug Miri to hide tears the way Kazuki does. He instead just lets his sadness show openly (well, openly behind Miri's back).

But back on topic. We get yet another instance of Miri's favourite way to rouse Rei out of sleep lol. I know it's Rule of Funny, but seeing Rei get more flustered by a pre-schooler jumping on him than by him walking into a hail of gunfire is golden. It also makes sense given his upbringing.

These are from two separate scenes, but I'm putting them together since they're so similar. The first one in particular is so sweet to me because Rei typically has both hands in his pockets. Here it's like he left one out so as to let Miri still have an outlet for the skinship that she loves to initiate. She's always mentioned how cool it is that Rei is so good at games, but the second one has more pure adoration than any other time. And Rei, more open with his emotions, is soaking it up. (Lol poor Kazuki)

Episode 11! Miri and Rei don't have have contact in the actual timeline of the episode's events, but we do get one amazing flashback.

I've gone back and forth between deeming this a flashback of unseen events and as a representative image of a concept Rei was thinking about. It kind of has the same filter as one of the quick flashbacks Kazuki has later in this scene. So, fuck it. It's a flashback. They swung her around again because she loved it so much the first time (and they're enjoying it too).

Episode 12!

Ten seconds in, we get one final 'Miri jumping on Rei to wake him up' gag to play us off lol. Great work, guys.

Miri helps Rei cook French toast for breakfast again, and this time they get Kazuki approval. High five~

I'm spit balling here, but my read on this is that Rei thinks Miri is asking that Rei pledge he cut his pinky finger if they break their promise. That's a thing the yakuza still do for infarctions and the only other time I've heard 'kejime' come up in a similar context was Higurashi, when Shion was being made to rip off her fingernails in penance. And it would perfectly explain Kazuki's reaction lol.

Another 'people's hands feel warm' moment, I'm sure. Once again, look at the size difference between their hands! 😭

Into the future, they remained sleeping buddies. And it's all the more significant that he's letting her rest entirely on his left arm. Rei has gone from sleeping in the bathtub in paranoid fear of ambush to napping in the open with his only working arm being restricted and probably gone numb from Miri lying on it. They're free 🥺

[28dayslater]

good evening to you all and welcome to cockmojo where tonight we will be counting down my personal top ten terror cocks

those unaffiliated with footyblr may be unfamiliar with the term cock as it’s being used here: all will become clear in time

special mention before we start to the netsilik hunter (sexy man, deserved a name and some screentime) james clark ross but only in the first episode when he’s all rugged and his beard’s grown out, and mr blanky, who, much like knife dad, fuccs like a broken train but he runs on time if you know what i mean

in a very respectable tenth place finish, billy gibson. i didn’t see the vision until 1. it was pointed out to me that he looks a lot like pau torres, who is himself very cockable, and 2. i rewatched the scene where he breaks up with hickey. known shagger, massive hater, a very pointy nose, he’s scraped a place on this list.

a surprise entry at ninth is john irving. inarguably cute in a sort of late 2000s british indie band bassist way, and while i’m not sure i could fix him (he probably needs a man for that) i do think i would have fun trying. ultimately he’s not higher because he’s kind of annoying and his eyebrows piss me off.

representing the dilves at eighth is doctor macdonald. he’s entrancing to me he has this vibe of like gentle paternal indulgence... like even if you were annoying he’d be very fond of you. and i need that. when he said “i’d like to run that man through” and rubbed his eyes and looked so tired, i really felt something. the crow’s feet, the widow’s peak, the hair, yes!!

doing it for the feminists, in seventh we have harry goodsir. the loveliest guy on the expedition until he goes nastymode, and i’m fully on board with both versions. this picture was chosen for a reason and it’s bc his long curly hair full beard miserable expression era was simply unbeatable. unfortunately, and this is maybe the most insane thing i’ve ever said about a man, or at least top ten, when his half eaten corpse was laid out face down, and it had noticeable back hair, i got the ick. just to add insult to injury :/

i’m as surprised as you are that he’s not higher, number six, james fitzjames! he is my pretty pretty princess. nails, hair, hips, heels. high femme queen in his cunty little outfits ordering the men around. i want to brush his hair, one hundred strokes minimum. i think this is less sexual than some others on this list, it’s more appreciation. but my god do i appreciate him.

stay alive, number five, it’s thomas jopson. most beautiful haunted doll in the arctic, but that pretty face is covering up a seriously compelling #WeirdGuy underneath. all the shiny hair in the world can’t hide an obsession with his boss that in the modern era would be getting him a very serious meeting with HR. what a character, servicetopson you rock my world. but at the end of the day he loses points because i hate the beard. garrigan looks great with a beard in other stuff, i really don’t know why the scurvybeard was so foul. terror hair and makeup department GET IT TOGETHER. 

number phwoar, henry collins is here! he’s big he’s sweet he’s deeply mentally unstable he needs a cuddle and we’ve all seen that gif of him in aliens. would love to make him a really nice cup of tea (seems like a two sugars man), pet his hair as he rests his head in my lap, then fuck up my hip flexors. 

and now... we enter our top three. who’s made it to the prestigious cock podium?

first up, the winner of our bronze cock medal, which presumably he’ll be flogging for an unreasonable price to someone he’s assured it’s solid gold, “cornelius hickey”! people will bitch and moan about how he’s a violent lunatic who’s killed people like i’m not a cuti romero stan 🙄 i can see beyond that, my third eye is firmly open. the potential for a fun toxic relationship is absolutely off the charts bc that’s the only kind he has. and he’s very pretty when he cries. i can forgive a lot of crimes for a man whose nose entrances me.

in second place, such a close runner up, i have to award this honour to edward little. a pedestrian choice, you might think, if you don’t know the lore. i couldn’t fully explain my feelings towards this secondary character who’s not especially exciting on first watch when i started the show until i googled his actor... although i lacked the words to express this at the time i was cocking this man when i was 13 and he first appeared in misfits with a stupid neck tattoo and a horrible suit, and i cock him again now. this is a cock that’s followed me all my life, even though i forgot he existed for about a decade in between. who else can truly say they’ve EARNED a spot on my list like he has? he’s sad, he’s sopping wet, i could make him cry extremely easily. mwah

and finally...

number one. it had to be him, it was always going to be him. solomon tozer, take a bow and i’ll take ten cranberry pills. sol is thee top cock for so many reasons and chief among them is versatility. whatever you need he can be it. handsome soldier boy in a fancy red uniform that shows off his trim little waist? COCK! hostile violent mutineer throwing his life away in a rebellion? COCK! broken man inducted into a cult who cries about it? COCK!!! sexiest man in the damn arctic i know he was beating the boys off with a stick. there is a certain level of sexiness a man can reach where nothing he does is an ick, and i knew he’d reached that for me once i saw him in that insanely stupid hat at sir john’s funeral and didn’t give a fuck. call him tom jones the way he can leave his hat on. keep thotting it up in heaven/hell king i miss you every day. i know it was huge. my heart hurts.

[darklinaforever]

She's talking about this scene ?!

But it's ridiculous ! This scene doesn't prove that Donna is inside of the mind of Tentoo ?! It's simply a scene where the Doctor finally understands essentially how much Donna sees herself as less than nothing ! Tentoo doesn't feel everything Donna feels literally, that's bullshit. Already, he's talking about what she thinks, not what she feels. The "I can see Donna, what you're thinking" is literally just an expression (which I've seen used countless times in the sort of moment where one person understands another…) ? We literally see in this scene that Tentoo is thinking about his own memories, and not Donna's, which is what we would have seen if he saw in his head ?! It's literally explained in the rest of the episode that Tentoo received Donna's DNA, but it was she who received his mind (which she judges to be the Doctor's best) ! And to get back to that delusion of “I can see it Donna, what you’re thinking”. You know what further proves that this sentence was simply an expression on the Doctor's part to express that he finally understands Donna ? THE FACT THAT SHE GIVES IDEAS THAT NEITHER TEN NOR TENTOO HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF AND THAT THEY ARE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED TO HEAR ! If Tentoo is in Donna's head, why the hell doesn't he have the same ideas as her ?! Or why is he even surprised by it ?!

Also, isn't the Doctor a basic fucking telepath ? If you want to take the phrase in its most literal sense possible there is literally this, the fact that the Doctor literally has the ability to read the minds of basic people ! (Even though this is meant to be a violation, the Doctor has just been reborn with some minimal changes, perhaps he felt legitimate in that context ? After all, he's a more impulsive version of Ten. Although I just think the phrase was nothing more than a simple expression) So how is this supposed to be proof that Donna is inside Tentoo on a mental level ?!

Also, I would like to remind you that the basis of regeneration inevitably involves changes each time. So to say that Tentoo can't be the Doctor because he doesn't act the same as Ten is completely ridiculous. Especially when we assume that the Doctor naturally changes personality with each incarnation. Tentoo is bound to have slight differences from Ten because he went through the regeneration process ! Tentoo, it's Ten who has evolved ! He was born during a battle, which influences his impulsiveness. He was born from the moment he ran towards Rose on that street, which explains why he looks more amused/less serious than Ten. He is part human, which influences his decision to commit genocide because he no longer has the restrictions he had as a Time Lord. He speaks slightly like Donna (during only one fucking comedy moment ?), well the Doctor has always picked up things from his companions, like Rose's accent or Clara's postures/gestural tics. Was he less the Doctor than the previous incarnation ? I do not think so ! Also, I would like to understand how Tentoo, beyond what I have stated, seems fundamentally different from Ten ? Beyond the humorous moment with Donna, he has the same way of expressing himself as he always has and also has the same physical / vocal expressions as Ten ?! How is it fundamentally different ?! How does Donna seem to have any mental influence on Tentoo ?!

Seriously, find me a single scene where Donna seems to have a mental influence on Tentoo that makes him act differently than usual ? (apart from this brief comic moment where he speaks like her) Don't you think ? Normal ! He does not have it ! Tentoo says it himself ! He thinks like Ten ! Not like Donna ! (Supported once again by the gifs above where Ten and Tentoo are surprised by what Donna is thinking !)

Please people, share in the comments, because I'm big on bullshit. Who ever thought Donna was a part of Tentoo's mind with this scene ? Seriously ? Has anyone ever thought of this scene as anything other than a simple expression of ultimate understanding between two friends ?! Someone answer me !

[jezmmart]

Chamomile Comic Trivia #31

#159 - Notice

It's Sam! I wish I had written down more about my decision to add her, although at this point I'm fairly sure I wasn't certain she was going to become a main character - in fact it was RIGHT around the week this posted that I began work on the first proper cover art for the series which of course did not include her.

Her design was based off this old one-off pin-up girl art from 2017, technically making her the first ever major Chamomile Comic character to exist, sort of.

She was named after Sam Lloyd, likely known for his portrayal of Ted the Lawyer from Scrubs. The news of his death had recently broken and I had just recently begun listening to Fake Doctors, Real Friends, the Scrubs rewatch podcast, as my go-to background entertainment when colouring the comic specifically each week. It still is now, albeit intermittently since they don't always produce an episode each week and I no longer have a backlog to catch up on. Now granted, I don't love the podcast as much as I used to - can be a bit cringey at times as these two hollywood actors chat about utterly unrelatable anecdotes from their lives - but it's overall been enjoyable and it'll be weird to find something new to accompany my colouring if it does come to an end or stops being enjoyable once they permanently pivot into... whatever they plan to do after they run out of Scrubs episodes. It's been part of my colouring process for the comic for longer than it hasn't been now, haha. So... yeah it felt right to honour that connection to my comic with Sam's name, on top of the fact that Scrubs is just straight-up one of my favourite TV shows and Ted was always a character that gave me big laughs.

Of course... I realised after that I'd introduced yet another character to the comic ending in "-a"! ...But whatever, it's a common thing. Not so long ago I had 5 co-workers simultaneously whose names also ended in -a, lol.

The decision to have had her always be around simply came from not having any strong ideas to introduce her and preferring the idea that at least some of the cast already knew her. The gag's been done before, but I thought it'd be extra funny to introduce her with a scene in which she is specifically announcing her departure from being a regular face in Cammie's life, which typically would mean the same for the audience in most works with actually established characters.

Final little bonus note - in panel 1, Cammie once again is entering with a handful of steaming coffee.

#160 - Official

I didn't really mean for it to be so small it's barely legible at web size, but the little sign on the panic alarm button behind the till says "Real emergencies only Cammie!", in reference to #50.

#161 - Before

All that Scrubs talk regarding Sam is kinda fitting, because they did the "this character was always here!" gag there too. For their one, they edited her in on various memorable shots and pretended the main character didn't notice her being present, here I obviously extended the frame on the end of several punchline panels from previous comics.

Here's a gif that shows the original panels compared to the new ones, showing both the new and old art isolated as well so you can see exactly what I drew to extend the older panels which naturally weren't drawn originally knowing that I would one day be extending them!

The second of the three Sam flashbacks is just a nice little bridging one, but it did take me a while to decide for sure which way around I wanted the first and third flashback panel. For the first: while there's been a little bit of mild bad language in the comic once the seal was broken here, Sam's "bitch" is the first time such language has appeared so it amused me to place it in a scene that has already happened long ago just barely outside of the audience's perspective. For the third: the joke is of course that the reveal of Sam's additional dialogue is particularly adding nothing to the scene whatsoever - like, as if Cammie making a fool of herself would even be remark-worthy at this point. I felt both these two goofs had a good punch to them in their own way so yeah, I remember being conflicted over whether I had chosen the funniest possible flow of these three gags.

Of course, the final joke of this one, in case it wasn't obvious (I could see it being subtle for some), is that Mimi's whole running gag is she's a side character who also has existed in the comic for long before her first on-screen appearance, yet Cammie never remembers her.

#162 - New

The art and dialogue structure of the first two panels here is identical to #160. I think it being a time-saver on my workload for the week was definitely a factor - for whatever reason I needed it at the time - but I also remember going for something with that choice beyond just that... But I can't for the life of me remember what. I don't think the parallel between the two comics adds anything reading them back now.

Anyway here's Newt! I really thought at the time that he was going to be as significant an addition as Sam, and I did come up with the idea of introducing a regular male character at the time I chose to bring Sam in, with Sam's introduction - and exit - being an amusing way to introduce a surprise new character.

...Then I proceeded to never really get any super strong story ideas for him lol. More detail on that in a second. I haven't forgotten him though, frustrates me that he keeps getting sidelined!

#163 - Training

Standard behind-the-scenes retail frustration humour here. I can neither confirm nor deny how much is based on my current employment. A little detail of authenticity/flavour is that they're watching a DVD intended for widescreen on an old non-widescreen TV that's clearly been in their staff room for at least a decade. Such was the case for my painful training videos too! (It's all online now as of a few years into when I started, so some progress has been made I guess).

#164 - Huh

It's not made clear yet, but the new status quo that Sam is a receptionist at a primary school is established here - the coloured hanging letter signage on the wall that is too perspective'd to read says "WELCOME TO OUR SCHOOL".

I chose this as a job for her based simply on the fact that my Mum has often worked in school offices for most of my life. She wasn't a receptionist but it was the sort of job where I have some... vague enough memories of the "behind-the-scenes" enough to draw something along those lines when I needed to show Sam at work.

Getting back to Newt, obviously the goof here is that Cammie is just being a sore loser about her friend leaving and Newt is about the most cool-sounding interesting person you could imagine meeting. Unfortunately that involved specifically coming up with fun sounding stuff that are not super common to do or know people that do, so despite the super interesting combo of cave-diving, stand-up and polyamory these are all things I feel like I'd have to do thorough research on to represent in the actual comic accurately... which is something I'd like to do but, time is finite and I have so much pre-existing experience with being a silly nonsense person. Would you believe it, there's another character in the comic for whom that experience lends itself very well!!

Speaking of whom, the first appearance of the bell on the door in Repeat 1 Records was only a month after Cammie got the job. She works fast!

[Trivia Archive | Browse from most recent]

[i-am-a-fan]

Any Tang thoughts? 👀

YES!! Forgive me for taking forever to respond, I literally was brewing my thoughts together.

Summary: I believe that Tang is the most similar to his reincarnation, judging by what I've read in JTTW, and also he has the coolest ability.

Okay, let me start off by saying that initially, I did not like Tang. I felt like his character didn't mesh well with the group's dynamic and he just felt out of place. Since then, I am now a big Tang fan. While his character dynamic still feels a bit wonky, I love how in season 3 and season 4 he slowly gets more of an emphasis.

The reason I believe that Tang is most like his counterpart in JTTW is that although Tripitaka is very knowledgeable, he will usually insult the people who work so hard to protect him. In JTTW, Tripitaka is also noted to have trouble walking, which tang is something that Tang also struggles with. (Although, Tang might have been faking it.)

Although, I believe that Tang's weak ankles are referenced again in season 4, so I don't think he's faking it. WHICH LEADS ME TO THE POINT OF THEY SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A WALKING CANE THAT TURNS INTO HIS STAFF LATER ON. (Missed opportunity if you ask me.)

Tang also has the uncanny ability to interact with the fourth wall, my favorite being when he says "Oh I see that Sandy is in this episode." In Season 2, Episode 8. I have no idea if the gif will work, but Tang can be seen looking straight at the viewer when Sandy mentions the plot convenience of the flower's bloom.

Honestly? I would love it if Tang has this ability due to the powers of his reincarnation.

I MEAN LOOK. No one else can see the golden cicadas that literally tell Tang how to move the plot along. There is literally a built-in Deus ex-Machina power that only Tang is actually able to see. If we ever get an episode from Tang's POV, I really hope they address the cicadas. Also, Tang is the only one who gets to interact with one of his previous reincarnations outside of the scroll, which must be super weird. Then you also have the weird plot contradiction that Tang should NOT be the reincarnation of Tripitaka if he completed the journey to the West, because doing the journey should have freed him from the cycle of reincarnation. But, it's a Lego show, so I am not going to fight it.

Also, I think his characterization is perfect. I mean imagine you are 40ish years old, an english major, and have no physical skills. Now also imagine you are best friends with a 6ft pro-wrestler, a man who can crush you with his bare hands, and two people half your age. Then suddenly, those people who are half your age become more powerful than you could ever comprehend. Yeah, I can see why Tang would never get worried about being hurt or putting in effort. However, that also is going to do horrible things to your self-esteem. Tang did not any powers until about the end of season 3, and even then his powers are only really used in season 4.

WHICH IS WHY THIS SCENE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. Instead of falling victim to an inferiority complex, Tang knows his strengths and knows that he has a good family. I'm going to be so honest with you all, I think this episode was where I started to like Tang. He doesn't even have powers here, he is simply a man who loves his family.

I've already talked so much, but I just really love Tang and I hope he gets actual characterization throughout season 5.

[hiddencarpet]

(my main blog is still shadowbanned but i have some Thoughts.tm and i really want to share them with the world, so i'm sending them here. ok? This rant is going to be spoiler Free)

It's sad how Virgin Soul anime ruined any possibility of future Shingeki no Bahamut anime with the usage of the former anime Genesis cast.

Genesis had it's premise, sometimes bit goofy, sometimes serious. Original anime story with High Fantasy fun. And overall it shown respect to the characters. Azazel was a pretty scary villain, Cerberus came to have a little fun. Lucifer was there for a second but looked stunning while doing so. Genesis Mcs were cool, they were bit goofy sometimes but the story treated them with love and i loved them in turn aswell. Jeanne d'Arc was also my most fave Jeanne d'Arc anime portrayal ever. Other villains and background characters? Everyone is my big fave.

However the spin-off series Virgin Soul? Ridiculed literally everyone who ever shown up before. Left almost no stones unturned

Azazel? He's a pure punching bag now.

Cerberus? Is a brothel sex worker now for some reason!?

Lucifer? While in Genesis they shown him as cautious but reluctant to act (probably bc animating him would cost way too much Lol), now he's showing up more but he simply lazes around reading books when His People are in Need. With the most horrendous example showing in this gif:

Which i could comment a lot on, but i'm just going to say: Original Lucifer would Never. Original ShinBaha Lucifer would literally drop anything to help his people fight, even though he's tired and wants only to rest now. And as i'm reading his whole story in the game Right Now it just, Breaks me.

Jeanne d'Arc? I-i don't want to talk about it right now.😶

Some of beloved characters from the former show were also pointlessly killed off without reason in Virgin Soul and there is nothing giving them back.

But that's mostly former villain/background characters.

In Genesis The Main character is a ginger afro guy, Favaro Leone. Something so rare yet so beautiful when it comes to MCs, and the show treated him with respect. Literally one of the greatest characters for me. The show in the first episode made a point that women find him handsome (Which is very important for my further rant). He was my Puss in Boots cool guy. (i love Puss in Boots ok)

So what happened in Virgin Soul? He's a supporting role, but Now whoever wrote the new show mocked him for his looks a lot. First the show made his afro less curly which felt weird, but that's not it yet.

They had a girl in the show whose whole thing was finding men attractive, and she only found him attractive once his hair was all damp and straightened with water. 🙃

Guess what they also did to him, guess what.

They shaved him on multiple occassions as a joke. Joke on his hairstyle. Cause you know, he has afro.🙃🙃🙃

And it's been years but i'm still so mad, and my pain only grows as i'm reading Lucifer's event stories from the original game. What in the world.

Anyways this is my rant: My fave characters in the world will likely never show up again in any anime continuation because of how Virgin Soul ruined them, their arcs, their personalities and everything else. (i'm not mentioning the fact that the game is finished and there likely won't be anything anymore anyways, but if not for Virgin Soul and it's writers i'm sure there could've been something more, or at least we'd have a less dead fandom now (for many reasons. the show had Problems and fandom was at war))

[flameleads]

Upon further analysis of his transmutations, there is a pattern to what fingers Roy uses when he transmutes. A previous analysis, which is GIF heavy, can be found here. I’m making some slight adjustments to it in this post.

Roy does not actually snap his fingers when he performs his transmutation. The snap sound itself comes from the alchemical reaction when he manipulates the oxygen atoms in the air. What he actually does with his fingers is rubs or taps them together. However, which finger he uses matters: his index versus his middle.

This post is going to get image heavy, so I will put it under a readmore.

(Chapter 4: Battle on the Train)

In the manga, this is the first transmutation we ever see Roy perform. Roy taps his fingers before rubbing them together. He uses his index finger and thumb to perform what he would consider a simple transmutation and create a small explosion. From what we can see, he did not use his alchemy directly on Bald (his target) but in front of him in order to knock him back.

Most of the time, when we see Roy transmute, he uses his index finger. Here are some examples:

(Chapter 35: Sacrificial Lamb; Chapter 49: A Monster Among Men; Chapter 59; The Immoral Alchemist; Chapter 89: Soldiers’ Return; Chapter 93: Archenemy; Chapter 94: Flames of Vengeance; Chapter 107: The Last Battle)

It’s his default, and there is a reason for it: restraint. Even against Immortal Soldiers, Envy, and Father, Roy used only his index finger. In the case of Father, there are two good explanations: pain and lack of sight. With Envy, however, he used two hands because, while he still wanted to temper his flames, he wanted a lot of them and quickly. Outside of someone who has gone through the portal (the Elrics and Izumi), or those such as Father and Hohenheim, Roy has the fastest transmutations in Fullmetal Alchemist. Kimblee comes in a close second.

Addition to that: When going through the manga, I will say I couldn’t analyze several of Roy’s transmutation scenes too closely simply because Arakawa drew his hand moving too fast. If you watch him in 03 or FMAB, you run into a similar problem. Roy has incredible reflexes, likely developed during his time in Ishval.

Now, is there ever an instance in the manga where he uses his middle finger to transmute? I found one, and it is telling:

(Chapter 38: Signal to Strike)

The circumstances at play that cause Roy to react stronger: PTSD and his first interaction with a Homunculus. We know from the previous chapter that he recalled his last phone call with Hughes as he heard Hawkeye not answer. His emotions are heightened. He’s triggered. He enters the scene to see Hawkeye and Fuery fighting for their lives, and he did not hesitate to use more force. They were not going to take anyone else from him today.

From what I could find, that is the only time in the manga we see him use his middle finger to transmute. Why does the finger difference matter? My theory is that the middle finger gives him more ignition cloth to work with. No, it’s not a big difference to us, but Roy’s alchemy requires a lot of finesse, fine control, and pinpoint accuracy. The slightest change makes a huge difference.

My not-serious theory is he’s flipping off his enemies. Anyway.

When it comes to 03 or FMAB, Roy continues to use his index finger for most transmutations. I’m going to try and go chronologically here starting in Ishval.

In Ishval, where he was ordered to be at his full strength, he refused to do more than simple transmutations. Yet, look at how powerful those simple movements were. Two fingers can cause that much damage.

From the 03 anime, this is Roy during Fullmetal vs. Flame, which is canonical to the manga. He has quick movement, makes upturn of the wrist, and he’s using his index finger and thumb to transmute.

From the same fight, this is another simple transmutation, and he did it with the intent of not hurting Edward. Again, he uses his index finger.

Against Freezer’s ice in the first episode of FMAB, he uses his index finger and thumb to transmute. Artillery fire and guns couldn’t handle it. Roy’s flames could.

This is on the Promised Day. It’s hard to see because he’s moving so fast, and the camera pans as well, but he’s using his index and thumb. His goal is not to cause injuries, but to disable his enemies.

Ignore the text. I didn’t want to go hunting for new GIFs, and I think it’s funny anyway.

That one is against Father. Again, he is still using his index finger and thumb, but for good reason. He can’t see what he’s doing, and it would hurt him more to use his middle finger. The only person he wants to aim his flames at is Father, so he still restrains himself. He still holds back.

Now, there are fourinstances in particular that stand out for him using his middle finger to transmute in FMAB. None of them are against Gluttony like in the manga, and they line up chronologically.

#1: When Roy “kills” Maria Ross, this particular transmutation is a performance. To everyone else, Roy brutally kills the person who killed Brigadier General Maes Hughes, his friend. The transmutation could be seen from a distance: Edward could see the fire and smoke from the explosion in the sky when he was streets away. According to Knox, who performed the autopsy, the corpse was burned almost beyond recognition save for the dental records.

Why does Roy do this? He does this to make a point to everyone watching, especially the Homunculi. He’s aware that something is foul in the state of Amestris when Maria Ross is named the primary suspect in Maes Hughes’s murder, but he is not aware the Homunculi are behind it. So, he sets out to control the narrative. He wants there to be no questions possible about whether or not Maria Ross is dead, and he wants to show that he is willing to do that to his friend’s killer.

This was not meant to be okay. It was meant to be upsetting and alarming because he wanted it to be. And it worked.

Directly after, we know that Roy makes his moves against the Homunculi. But, it all started here.

(I did not have a GIF for this one, so I used stills)

#2: Episode 49: Filial Affection: Roy blows up a car near a Central soldier. It does not appear to be the same vehicle that he and the team drove in with, but another vehicle used by military police. The aim here is likely to send a message: "pay attention to me and what I'm doing." He wants eyes on him because he has Mrs. Bradley with him, and he wants to make it clear that the military is corrupt. The military does the rest of the work for him from there.

Now, as this is not a human, he needs to use more force. Cars are made of much tougher material, and he needs the transmutation to be more powerful. The explosion is loud, but short. It's not a showy transmutation by any means.

#3: The Immortal Soldiers. I emphasized this in my previous post about Roy’s alchemy, but I think it bears repeating: this is an incredibly powerful transmutation. The Immortal Soldiers were not weak enemies. Edward and Co, along with the soldiers upstairs like Olivier, struggled with them. They are powered by Philosopher’s Stones. Edward Elric is a skilled fighter, and so is Scar. So is everyone there. The fact that it took Roy seconds to take the Immortal Soldiers out with a single transmutation should not only be impressive, but it should be terrifying. Edward’s reaction encapsulates the proper reaction to Roy’s alchemy (and what’s to come).

What’s to come:

#4: Envy.

It’s difficult to see because of the speed, but, if one looks closely, what fingers are Roy using on both of his hands when he transmutes against Envy? His middle fingers. Not only is Roy using two hands, which we have never seen him do throughout the entire series, but he is not holding back. Like I mentioned in my previous post as well, Roy is also putting in every bit of effort he has to transmute with his arm movements.

This isn’t a show. This is pure, untamed fury. Envy killed a man he loved, so they deserved the worst death possible.

Slower, but you can see the middle finger as he transmutes. There is no restraint or mercy here like there was with Lust. In his mind, Envy doesn’t deserve it.

Now you see what had Edward concerned and why it took three people to talk this man down, and it was a good thing they did. A good leader shows restraint. Edward, Scar, and Hawkeye reminded Roy who he needed to be.

So, what have we learned today?

Roy Mustang restrains himself when he transmutes most of the time. In the manga, it looks like the only time he didn’t was with Gluttony. In FMAB, we see it at least twice, and those two instances are also telling of what’s going on and what kind of man he is. All of that should also tell just how powerful flame alchemy is.

From the creator of flame alchemy himself: “My technique is the GREATEST and most powerful form of alchemy, but in the wrong hands, it would bring naught but ill fortune.”

There can only be one Flame Alchemist, and that Flame Alchemist has to be Roy Mustang.

[laf-outloud]

https://www.tumblr.com/laf-outloud/733852081367269376/httpswwwtumblrcomlaf-outloud7338145430521446

I’m confused by people being shocked that J2 might work together again.

I sort of get it if people don’t want to see Jared work with Jensen again (prequelgate and so on), or just specifically don’t want Jensen on Walker (AAs are a nightmare and no one wants them near any show), but I’m pretty surprised that people actually don't expect them to get back on screen together at some point. Or see it as some "that ship has long sailed" situation.

Both Jared and Jensen bring up doing an SPN revival on their own. They don’t just say, "sure" when people ask them about it. I get people thinking this is just fan service, but if a fan doesn’t bring it up first, they certainly don’t have to say something at just about every con. I think they truly do want to do at least a mini series or something. Whether they’ll get the go ahead for it is another story. Also, they've been getting more and move nostalgic lately at cons, and more and more like old-school J2 on stage. I know, cons are for show, but the quality of their interactions over the last few cons just feel more fond than they did (for the most part) last year, for example. They always have good chemistry, but it’s been especially good lately. Yes, they do lots of stuff that is "for show" but there is just a different feel when they seem like they are truly vibing.

As for Jensen on Walker. I’m 50/50 on whether it will happen. But, I certainly won’t be surprised if it does.

Still, Keegan’s photo (which is what has people worried, I guess) was taken during the Nov 5th weekend when hellers were celebrating their embarrassing meme scene and waiting for Jensen to maybe make a mention of it, so the pic of J2 could have been in response to that, just in a delayed post. A little reminder that Supernatural was about the brother (not Destiel). Or, maybe J2 are actually still good friends behind the scenes and Keegan just wanted a pic of them and their long hair. 🤷‍♀️

I just think the fandom in general does a lot of projecting, and I’m certain,y not immune to it either. Jared doesn’t ever want to work with Jensen again, and him saying he does is just fan service, but it’s never going to happen (projection). J2 are vibing exactly like old times and are clearly still besties who already have a whole Season 16 of SPN planned out (projection). Jared has moved on and never plans to look back at supernatural (projection). Jared and Jensen are happiest when working together and they’ll make it happen no matter what (projection). Anyway, my point with these examples is we don’t actually know how Jared (or Jensen) feels about doing an SPN revival or having Jensen on Walker besides them saying they are interested publicly at one point or another, but assuming they don’t/do want these things because we don’t /do want these things, could lead to some unpleasant realities down the line.

Just out of curiosity: Will you still tune in to Walker if Jensen does get a recurring role on it? And would you watch SPN reboot/revival if it happened?

You make a lot of good points! The photo could have been counteracting the Destiel thing... but I also think Keegan being a Sunday con attendee, and having worked with Jensen and Jared together, has only every really seen SPN as the show about brothers, so his caption doesn't surprise me.

And you're right, none of us know what J2's relationship is really like right now... and fans (myself included) certainly throw our preferences around, lol! Personally, I don't think their con behavior is back to what it was post-prequelgate/end of SPN, but we all see things differently.

As for your questions... I would probably still watch Walker if Jensen had a recurring role... but I wouldn't be as excited to live-tweet or reblog gifs/screengrabs from those episodes. In fact, I'd probably avoid social media altogether simply so I wouldn't have to see AAs (and frankly, Jensen) try to make the show all about him, while completely dismissing Jared (and the other cast member's) contributions. They may be delusional, but they have the power to ruin every fandom they enter.

An SPN reboot is a harder question, mostly because it would have to be the exact right set of circumstances (right producers, writers, time-frame, lack of extras, etc.) for me to even consider watching.

I think the only reboot that I'd be glad to watch with both Jensen and Jared would be the one they talked about a while ago... Lonesome Dove. It would be about 10 years down the road... certainly enough time (I would hope) for the SPN fandom to settle down, and would be a chance for J2 to work together again without all of SPN's baggage.

[kiss-my-freckle]

3x11: Our Town

I'm not gonna put the opening scenes in this post because I'm trying to keep it as short as possible. But if anyone wants those gifs, I have no problem taking gif requests, they'll just have to be in a separate post.

I hardly ever disagree with Bonnie, but this is one of those instances when I do. Jeremy is only 16. He can choose how he wants to live when he's 18. It's because Elena is 18 that she should do whatever she can to protect him. She's his guardian now, she's the one who has to make it right for him. As upsetting as that is for Bonnie, I would've done the same in Elena's shoes.

The founding families have complete control over what happens in Mystic Falls. Having power over the founding families gives Klaus that power, period. This pushes the founding families to put pressure on Stefan to give up the coffins. So while Klaus makes all the right moves, Stefan makes all the wrong ones. It's at this point, I feel the need to sum up Stefan's choices in 3x10 and 3x11...

By taking Klaus' coffins, Stefan put Jeremy at risk of death and got Alaric killed as Jeremy would've died had he not taken the hit. It's because Stefan didn't care what happened to Jeremy that Elena had to make her own deal with Klaus, then compel Jeremy out of town to keep him safe. So Stefan separated Elena from her brother and killed Alaric the one time it actually mattered... when his mind would split.

By killing one of Klaus' hybrids, Stefan then put Caroline at risk of death via werewolf venom, of which will result with Tyler leaving town to break his sire bond because she's the second person he put at risk with it - Jeremy being the first. So Stefan separated Caroline from her boyfriend.

Stefan then abducted Elena and threatened her on the bridge where her parents died. So when 3x22 rolls around and they've got Stefan home with Tyler, Caroline, and Elena… it's one of those things you gotta laugh at. Bonnie's episode is next and Stefan's not done with it. To be completely honest, his revenge fantasy against Klaus should've ended with him at the warehouse with Klaus' body instead of Damon. After all, it was HIS revenge. Aside from, he put everyone in grave danger, so he shouldn't be the one that gets to stay home. They need Damon out of town to turn his girlfriend into a vampire. This episode not only proves it, but foreshadows most of it.

Meredith: I hate that bridge. My senior prom date dumped me on this bridge. Alaric: Oh, yeah? Did you throw him over? Meredith: No, but I should have. I've been holding a grudge ever since. Meredith: Behold, my senior prom date. Alaric: Well, you definitely should have throw him over the bridge.

Stefan's entire revenge fantasy against Klaus is his grudge over losing Elena, and he should've driven her off the bridge when he fed her his blood. If you wanna know why Stefan can't flip Elena's switch at prom, Meredith is telling you why. They used the bridge to tie in the simple concept that Stefan lost Elena the moment he left town with Klaus, thus, he lost her when he crossed that bridge.

This is the bridge scene that matters. It's every bit 3x22.

The Salvatore deal was to keep Elena out of it. Revenge against Klaus was a journey for Damon and Stefan alone. Stefan actually breaks this only rule by using Elena to get to Klaus. "Stefan, leave her out of this." Klaus believes Stefan is bluffing and so much as tells Damon, "That kind of love never dies." Understand he's not referring to Elena's love for Stefan, he's speaking solely to Stefan's love for Elena. He not only believes Stefan is bluffing about killing her, he believes Stefan is bluffing about turning her into a vampire. After all, he's thinking the same as season 2 Elijah. She'll hate Stefan forever, and forever for a vampire is a very long time. There's no way "that kind of love" would want Elena hating him for eternity.

Stefan has Damon believing that his humanity switch is fried, so his humanity is central in this episode. Damon simply has no idea how far Stefan will go with his revenge plan, and while Stefan seeks revenge, Damon is forced to take over his role as peacemaker.

Damon: The only way to call someones bluff, Stefan, is to be willing to lose everything if you're wrong.

This comment of Damon's belongs on the bridge because Elena is "everything" to Stefan. He doesn't just threaten to kill Elena where her parents died. He threatens to turn her into a vampire, something he knows she never wants to be. He then follows it up by pretty much telling her that he can't be "just friends" with her, so all he has left is his revenge against Klaus. In a nutshell, their bridge scene is Stefan's parallel to Damon in season 5, only Damon doesn't threaten Elena.

"No, Elena, I can't be your friend. It's too damn hard. No, I'm serious, Elena - I can't see you anymore. I don't wanna hear your voice, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't even want to look at you, and I sure as hell don't want to be your friend."

This is every bit why Stefan has no problem threatening her on the bridge. It's too damn hard, so he's trying to get her to hate him. It's easier that way. "Is that what you're doing? Trying to make me hate you?" What's insane about season 3, is the fact that Stefan could've moved on after Klaus gave him his freedom. He didn't have to seek revenge, he chose to. The whole of the matter is that Tyler, Caroline, Jeremy, Elena, and Alaric are paying the price all because Stefan can't settle for a friendship with Elena.

His stupidity is just as insane. He tells Klaus, "Friends don't strip friends of their free will." This is the same guy that lied to Klaus all summer long. It's the very fact of the matter that Stefan knew he could face certain punishment should Klaus find out about Elena. I'm basically saying that Stefan is at fault for his own bs. He put himself in parallel with Jenna the moment he lied to Klaus and left town with him. Elijah flat-out told Stefan and Bonnie that Klaus killed Jenna because Damon meddled in his ritual when he rescued Tyler and Caroline. So yes, Stefan knew that he was facing punishment should Klaus find out. Klaus punishes people when they wrong him in such a way. It's his way of making sure they don't betray him again. Unlike Damon, who simply doesn't trust again. Unfortunately for Stefan, he hasn't gotten the point yet, so his revenge fantasy continues. When they have both Damon and Stefan referring to Stefan as the better villain, know that it's true. Stefan is the better vampire. But you should also know that everything is building for him. By this, I mean… everything Stefan needs for his 3x14 manipulation. He just doesn't use any of it until he's actualy ready to, and he's ready at the end of 3x13.

Klaus: Celebrate the fact that you're no longer bound by trivial human conventions. You're free. Caroline: No, I'm dying.

Klaus' comment to Caroline is fit for Delena's porch scene. I think 3x3 was the last time Damon hit Elena's boundary. Anyway... kissing her is that final boundary. What makes their porch scene is the difference between Damon and Elena. He's a vampire and she's human. "Otherwise you wouldn't put an alternate meaning behind everything you say." This is where I should remind fans of alternate meanings because it matters here. Damon and Elena both know the truth as to why he can't kiss her again. It's not because she doesn't feel the same way. It's because she does. They know that she'll return his kiss if he initiates it. While Damon feels it's right, just not right now… Elena feels it'll never be right because he's Stefan's brother. If he weren't Stefan's brother, they'd already be dating.

Because there's need to respect Elena's character, she's written complete opposite Caroline. In order for her to be free of human conventions, she has to die. Meaning… she has to die to be with Damon. It's not acceptable "human" behavior to date your ex-boyfriend's brother. However, something vampires can get away with. After all, it's not acceptable human behavior to kill, but they do. The writers are prepping Elena to become a vampire so that she can be with Damon without destroying her character. This is where Katherine's comment comes in. "Who needs rules?" Vampires have no rules.

Stefan: This is from the year you were born. I think we should celebrate. Elena: Celebrate what?

When Stefan plans to celebrate Elena's first feed, trust she won't be celebrating with him… she'll be celebrating with Damon in the fact that she's free of human conventions by feeding on him in the Grill bathroom lol

Tyler's sire bond involves three people: Klaus, Tyler, and Caroline. The Delena sire bond removes that third person, but fans can still see him if they look close enough. The Klaus aspect is brought into Delena's sire bond through Damon's second personality. This is how they put Klaus into Delena's sire bond…

I consider the sire bond as Damon's birthday gift.

"You said boyfriend dramas. Plural. What is it, Caroline?"

"The girl who had a normal life, and didn't fall in love with vampires."

Plural. The sire bond isn't really a question of Elena's love for Damon. It's a question of Elena's love for Stefan. Falling in love doesn't mean she's STILL in love. It's my belief that she un-fell for Stefan in 3x5. This is the lie that matters.

[whump-n-comfort]

🔪 this is a sideblog! if you see interactions from a blog called @halorocks1214 in your notifications, that's me :)

🩹 on that note, I go by Halo! I use she/her and he/him pronouns and am proudly aroace 💚💜

🔪 I'm one of those guys that has always been into whump as a kid—I REALLY enjoyed the kidnapping episodes in animated shows lol—but didn't have a name for that enjoyment until I got onto Tumblr and immediately felt at home with all y'all cool people 😎

🩹 as you may have seen by this blog's title and description, most of this blog's motif is sharing hurt/comfort content! I will be upfront and say that I project a loooot onto my faves, which is why I like to see them comforted so much (touch starvation is a bitch 😔) and in general prefer "soft whump" most of the time or explicit happy endings for the harder tropes i'm into

🔪 however, I still also enjoy whump because of its core foundation: being able to beat the shit out of your favorite character. sometimes, I will find something that does not have comfort in it that I want to share because it's simply too good not to! if all you're here for is that sweet sweet comfort, feel free to blacklist the tag #no comfort to avoid those sparse posts :)

🩹 outside of that, I tag art as #art and gifs as #gif as well as gifsets as #gifset when applicable; #whump trope for the posts that get more descriptive and #whump prompt for the posts that are more quotes/"fill in your characters here"-type interactions; #whump meme is self-explanatory and #whump community is for sharing love to all you lovely people out here browsing this corner of Tumblr; I occasionally tag #fave whumpee on characters that have stuck with me through the years (characters in the tag liable to change as time goes on); and of course, #~my stuff~ are the posts where I'm OP; #before whump was here is a cheeky tag I use for specific moments I remember feeling strong whumperflies for growing up but still had yet to learn about the term "whump" lmao

🔪 everything else is up in the air as tagging goes. I try my best to catch as many descriptors in a post as I can, but I'll admit some stuff could slip through. let me know if you think a post is missing something and I'll be sure to add proper tags 👍

🩹 my squicks are mainly things like pet whump, mind break, forced full-nudity, betrayal/broken trust between close characters (if it's because of a "twist villain" then that's fine), and heavy NSFW, so, for the most part, you won't see those on this blog, but my philosophy has always been that if it has comfort, I'm willing to give it a shot, so even if it's really rare, it could happen. remember to just let me know if I'm missing a tag!

🔪 my inbox is always open under the "💌 insert rambles here 💌" button if you ever wanna submit whumpy thoughts. I try to post everything I get, so feel free to hit me up! all answered asks regardless of what they contain will be tagged with #ramble tag

🩹 I will occasionally take requests in the form of "[A] replied to [B]" scenarios, sentence starters, or if you are feeling particularly nice, requests about my OCS! (questions and inquiries about them are always welcome regardless of request status) be sure to watch the "REQUEST:" blip in the description to see whenever they are open as I will switch "CLOSED" to "OPEN" to signify they are, and if they are open because of something like an ask game, I will convert the status into a link that will take you to the original game so you don't have to scroll through a bajillion things to get to it

🔪 as mentioned, this is 99% a SFW "soft" whump blog, but I still support my more NSFW and otherwise "dark" whumpers! I am a firm believer in that there is no "correct" way to enjoy whump. whatever your reason is that makes you enjoy it is valid and as long as you are properly tagging your content then keep on doing stuff that brings you joy :) we may not interact with each other all that often because of squicks or personal preferences, but just know that I will have your back and defend your right to write whatever you want ❤️‍🔥

🩹 I do believe those are all the topics I wanted to cover, so if you managed to make it this far, thanks for checking out my blog, and most importantly, the whump community in general! If you decide to stay, well, then hope you enjoy it to your fullest capabilities :D

[ccthewriter]

CC’s Top 10 New Watch Ranking - November 2022

It’s an exciting day for movie lists! The Sight & Sound Top 100 has dropped, everyone’s pouring over the details, and I thought I’d share my own equally famous and important list. Not my personal Sight and Sound - I’ve only seen 45% of this decade’s S&S, so am woefully underinformed to make such a judgement. But, whatever I’ve seen in the last 30 days? That I can do. 

Every month on Letterboxd, I make a list of the 10 best films I’ve seen for the first time. It’s a fun way to compare movies separated in time, country of origin, and genre, and helps me keep track of what I’m watching! The accidental theme of this month has been Journeys Into Underground Worlds, whether that’s crime, cults, or supernatural realms! Click below to see the breakdown! Click here for the list on LB!

#10 - Lair of the White Worm 1988. Director: Ken Russell

A pulpy, erotically charged horror movie starring a baby-faced Hugh Grant and Peter Capaldi. Amanda Donohoe is a centuries-old priestess of a snake god that needs human sacrifices, and frankly, I volunteer as tribute. This embodies all the things I like most about high camp horror - a thin plot, corn-syrup gore, a practical effects monster, and visually striking low-budget dreamscapes. The vision shown in this gif is an incredible high point of the film, just absurd 80′s video editing using all its tricks. Recommended for anyone who loves Evil Dead 2 or the scarier episodes of Doctor Who. 

#9 - Sullivan’s Travels 1941. Director: Preston Sturges

An out-of-touch movie director pretends to be homeless to make his next film more ‘real,’ while the studio sends a crew to follow him to make sure he doesn’t get into trouble. He ditches them, and experiences the true injustice and harm that he had been fantasizing about all along. Like that director this movie feels out of touch for much of its run time, until the last act when the main character faces some *really real* injustice at the hands of the carceral system. That’s what elevates this from a mild comedy into something really special. A parody of a studio system that barely exists anymore - imagine executives shaking a writer down, begging to pay him - but still feels relevant in the way that some people can simply stop existing if they’re handed over to the uncaring police state. 

#8 - Out of the Fog 1941. Director: Anatole Litvak

A noir-tinged parable about how fascist bullies can take control of your lives if you don’t stop them. Two immigrant Brooklynites dream of buying a fishing boat and sailing to Cuba, but a racketeer shakes them down at the pier for ‘protection money,’ threatening the life of one of their daughters, who has fallen for his strongarmed charm. This war-time film was an argument by the director in favor of the US entering WWII, showing how the threat of fascism wasn’t just a European problem. Anyone, anywhere, is susceptible to a thick-fisted jerk who sells dreams of power to the weak, and an ever-escalating use of violence to take everything from people who just want to keep their heads down. Incredible for its ending, where - spoilers - the two men effectively murder the racketeer, and everyone they know agree to bury the crime because they know he’s better off dead. Talk about community action! 

#7 - Doctor Sleep 2019. Director: Mike Flanagan

I loved Midnight Mass so much, so was excited when my favorite movie podcast gave me an excuse to watch this film. I rewatched The Shining last month as part of a Kubrick filmography run, so my mind was primed for everything this movie had to offer. Though a sequel to The Shining feels unnecessary on paper, Flanagan managed to find wonderful new layers to explore in the original film’s premise, marrying Kubrick’s nightmarish reality with King’s original intention for the work. What is the responsibility of traumatized people? In a cruel world, do you keep perpetuating harm, do you run away and numb yourself, or do you - miraculously, heroically - find a way to end the cycles of violence wherever you can? Incredible performances all around. Rebecca Ferguson is also in this month’s micro-theme of Very Evil Women Are Allowed To Kill Me. I can’t wait to see what Kyliegh Curran does with the rest of her career. 

#6 - Brute Force 1947. Director: Jules Dassin

A movie that feels like The Shawshank Redemption until its brutal, tragic end. A demonstration of the banality of the prison system and how it is a breeding ground for pain and arbitrary violence. I thought a lot about Andor while watching this - both are examples of a collective forming a rebellion. Both have tragic ends for some of their central characters, but give a feeling of hope that success and victory are possible. That the revolution will win out. Andor is the inception of a revolution that we know will win - the Force will indeed awaken - but Brute Force leaves an air of melancholy as you recognize that the struggle these prisoners face is something we’re still dealing with today. The system has only gotten crueler since this movie was made. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be changed. 

#5 - Eyes Wide Shut 1999. Director: Stanley Kubrick

A movie I’ve often wondered and fantasized about because of its raunchy, taboo reputation. It really moves me how a film with so much sex and erotic content can ultimately leave the viewer feeling drained of any sensuality. From my LB review: “Queerness can't just be a mission to conform 'outsiders' to the mainstream. It must destroy the thing that controls us all! I'm so interested in the way the masked orgy-goers kiss - an imitation of intimacy without connection, without the actual nerve-tingling *sensation* of locking lips. Their secrecy, immovable and grand, must be maintained above all else. Pleasure must be obtained through this barrier that conceals the self. God, the straights have it bad. Even in their most elaborate fantasies they just can't let go. They've always got to look over their shoulder, in case someone realizes they're just as perverted and human as the rest.”

#4 - Michael Clayton 2007. Director: Tony Gilroy

Another film that’s been on my list for a long time! With Tony Gilroy proving himself a genius in the TV sphere, like Mike Flanagan, I wanted to turn to one of his films to see what he’s got there. This didn’t disappoint. Michael Clayton is a seedy corporate fixer sent to save a huge case from being ruined by the lead attorney, whose doubts are arising out of a psychotic breakdown. It’s just fucking *fun.* Someone in the group I was watching this with said that Gilroy nails the perfect balance between effective and flowery dialogue. His characters ramble, speaking outside any sort of naturalism, but it never feels stagey. They’re people stuck in grand, outlandish circumstances, and their speech rises up to match the stakes of their surroundings. This movie has one of the most satisfying endings in movie history. I adore the end credits that just track on Clooney’s face - it’s a great demonstration of what a good actor he is. You can see everything he’s thinking in the small motions of his eyes. 

#3 - Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery 2022. Director: Rian Johnson

Benoit Blanc is back, baybeee! I love a good whodunnit, and Rian Johnson is proving himself to be the master of this genre in the modern age. Knives Out is one of my favorite movies, and I’m pleased to report that the latest entry in this series is just as satisfying as the first. I want Johnson to make as many of these as he wants, forever. My movie circle has made a lot of noise about the things this film has repeated from the original. I think 2 films is too early to say what the pattern for “A Knives Out Mystery” is going to be, but I hope the essence stays the same. An incredible cast, a colorful setting, and the relatively blank character of Benoit Blanc taking a backseat to let the ensemble shine. Oh, and the hyper-wealthy suffering under the weight of their own greed! That’s good, too. I’ve read about 35 Agatha Christie novels this year, and Johnson has found some of these essential ingredients that made her works so compelling, too. 

#2 - Sweet Smell of Success 1957. Director: Alexander Mackendrick

If there were an award for ‘Most One-Liners In A Motion Picture,’ this one would win, hands-down. I watched this while visiting my dad, who is a kind of passive movie fan and not often interested in films this old - but after just a few minutes of dialogue, he sat down and got sucked in. Sidney Falco is a press agent looking to score big by sucking up to J. J. Hunsecker, a manipulative narcissist who runs the biggest column in town. All Sidney has to do is break up the relationship JJ’s sister is striking up with a jazz guitarist. Through the glamor, glitz, and grime of late 50′s Broadway, this spirals into an immensely satisfying tale of ruthless ambition. The writing is phenomenal, the essence of New York is captured like nothing else, and JJ proves to be one of cinema’s most memorable villains. You can jump to any point in this movie and get one of the zingiest lines you’ve ever heard. A personal favorite: “If you’re funny, Walter, I’m a pretzel!” 

#1 - Labyrinth 1986. Director: Jim Henson

Somehow I had never seen this???? I can’t believe it either. The composite ingredients of this work - the fantasy, escapism, puppetry, fairy lore, danger, design - are all things I have loved from a very early age, and this *feels* like something I would have loved as a kid. Maybe that’s the power of this work - it speaks to a childish part of us that yearns to escape into fantasy, that wants to make cruel oaths to those we love, but knows the epic consequences of what would happen if we did. The journey we would have to go on to repair the hurt caused. I was lucky enough to go to the Henson exhibit at the Museum of the Moving Image last month and saw some of these costumes in person. They are so richly designed. Every last inch of this frame is dripping with precision, from the fish-eyed lens to the mixed fabrics that makes each puppet come to life. Just like fantasy drawings often use inks, charcoals, and paints to create a textured image, these puppets are made from a variety of fabrics, metals, and other materials to make them seem organic and real. It’s an incredible feat. Jennifer Connelly embodies such a precise moment of youth, too. The very first steps out of childhood and into the passionate teenage years, where all the consequences of your actions seem massive and the weight of responsibility is dawning. This is a truly unique dreamworld. How lucky we are to have had a visionary like Henson create something like this.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank you for reading! If you liked any of these thoughts feel free to follow me on Letterboxd, where I post reviews and keep meticulous track of every movie I watch. Look forward to more posts like these next month!