#shit makes me wanna kill myself
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im still complaining srry but damn like. whats wrong with me sincerely. i havent had the energy to do anything for a hot second, im just overtaken by every negative feeling on earth. i physically gotta argue with myself to get outta bed, wtf is going on with my body. like are you good? can we please draw? id love to draw, can we please focus
#fool's monologue#like yes i know dont force it. take it gracefully#but its been like this for so long im just getting annoyed#shit makes me wanna kill myself#wont. also i should stop saying that. ive been saying that too much#it just makes me feel tired is all#well thats not entirely true. ive been having more suicidal thoughts than usual so im just kind of really not doing great#but man like. ineed myhobbies i need to drag thru it
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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BEST GIRL TRAILER IS OUT I REPEAT BEST GIRL TRAILER IS OUT
#n talks about shit#reverse 1999#kakania#there are some spoilers for chapter 7 near the end btw from 1:39 to 1:54#so skip those parts if you don't wanna be spoiled#ahhhh she is so kind and compassionate but also so ridden with guilt and anxiety#she just wants the best for her patients and yet was kicked out and disrespected as a result...#she also lost everything in the storm too... what if i killed myself rn#they will never make me hate you kakania#also please see a therapist girl
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#sometimesanequine#equine art#horse art#my art#damn yall wanna know smthn crazy?#i think ive been unknowingly slowly killing myself since ??? 2016 ish right#cause ive got alpha gal right. cant eat hooved mammal shit. whatever#long story short I've felt like shit since 2016 and have had aches and pains every day after eating stuff im not sposed to unknowingly#or unknowingly as in. huh i wonder why this is happening (spoiler. it was eating stuff that makes me sick)#but ive figured it out now and feel better!#tumblr user mamoru thank you for sharing your medical experience i utilized pattern recognition and figured it out#anyways now that im not eating stuff im not sposed to i still gotta undo years of damage#but im gettin there yippee!
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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Hnngg
#im so stressed ughhhhh#this divorce is gonna end me man though im probably stressing out over nothing AGAIN#like tomorrow my dad's bringing some expert to the house to put a price on the house#and i literally have no idea whatever that's gonna be how we are gonna pay that shit lmaoo#also i just really don't wanna be there or be with them in the same house god i hate it when they're near each other#i am..... going through it more than i probably should since I'm an adult now n stuff but whatever#it's not like i can just stop feeling all this distress and grief n shit especially since he's already found a girlfriend#with kids and stuff and they've already been going to my grandparents ughhh i feel thrown away you know#it hasn't even been a year it's pissing me off so badly#i feel like killing myself every time i think about tomorrow and then I feel even worse when i think about later ughhh#i shouldn't be so distressed i really shouldn't#especially since I've been living my life on an incredible streak of luck so.#whateverrrrr#uhh like comment and subscribe#vent#i just gotta. cause there isn't anyone here i can really talk to since#everyone sees this so much more differently and sis is just always telling me im making it into something bigger than it is#but it's really stressing me out#idk i fear this is not gonna end nicely I don't even see him anymore#and it literally hasn't even been a year but he's not really talking to me but at the same time i don't really#feel like talking to him either so who knows uhh..
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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I'm gonna have to work on my final project non stop for like a month straight bc I procrastinated on it too much fuck my stupid baka life
#.txt#also I have to do a movie pitch for it bitch it's an amv with intentionally one dimensional characters 😭 tf do I even say about it#at least the characters are like. knockoff jaime and tommen so its almost like im drawing asoiaf fanart#unfortunately I've come to hate them. the knockoffs I mean#I wanna change the designs a bit so they dont resemble my blorbos as much. i think im gonna give the kid darker hair#ok well discount jaime just looks like him with 2 hands and a blue cape 💀and I cant change him atp#my worst mistake was giving him like. a solid metal skirt armor thing bc its a pain in the ass to animate#at the start of the year I had the most work done out of everyone how did this happen#its bc they started nitpicking the story and I kinda lost motivation to work on it lke this shit is stupid. and cringe#by they I mean the extra screenwriting teachers we had a couple lessons with which like. this is an animation course not a writing course#I'd get it if it was like. a full time school but we have 2 3 hour classes a week we dont have time for this shit man#ig my mistake was that my idea didn't start from the story it started from the song I wanted to make a cool music video for it#its not that the story is nonsensical or anything its just a very basic fairytale esque thing nothing groundbreaking#'but you're not SAYING anything with this' I'm not trying to omg just let me make my little amv :(#does everything need a plot twist or to subvert expectations is it not enough that it looks cool#there's a couple people who are worse off than me in terms of how much they've done but also theres a couple that are nearly done#looking at them like god I wish that were me.....#and also I think I accidentally overwrote a shot I worked on for 3 hours. killing myself#maybe I can restore a previous version but its on the school computer and the school is closed for a week so im not gonna know until then
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why am i having to hold a gun to googles head to show me articles on the long term effects of hormonal birth control on the endocrine system in adult patients who began usage as a teenager
#barks#i just wanna know if having a hormonal iud as a teenager fucked with my shit or not#causeeeeee i switched to copper a few years ago and everything was gucci in the coochie until a bad summer hit#lo and behold i call the gyno and she puts me on nuvaring because my symptoms were a sign of hormonal imbalance#meaning i got my ass fucked up from the first iud. right?#fuck if i know i wish they didnt make it my responsibility and then not actually give a shit as to what really happens#the absolute hell you can go through both on and off of birth control is out fucking rageous#'cool my cramps arent as bad but im a raging bitch i want to rob a bank and i want to kill everyone and then myself'#can you please for more than five fucking seconds think about the actual effects these things have on us that arent 'harder to get pregnant#also never listen to anyone that tells you you cant get your tubes tied and still be able to have children down the line#they always wanna bitch and moan about it but its literally reversible just like a vasectomy. not as easy but still possible!#do we get mad at and blame the kitchen counter when a baby smacks their head against it? no. the baby is at fault#tell me why something i have no control over is the reason i have to bear the cross#instead of the dipshit baby that cause the issue in the first place being at fault?????????????????????#im going to burn this world down i swear to god i hate it more every day#the beauty is evident but the horrors persist#hi if you read all of this
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redditors and fakeclaimers in general are losers. you could be the "perfect" archetype of a system and theyd still find a way to fakeclaim you, dont take their opinions to heart. its rough, and easier said than done, but YOU know your experiences better than some asshole on one of the social media apps.
i hope you have a good day :>
Thank youuu
I feel like the whole “fakers/disordered” shit is very similar to the whole “truscum/tucute” arguments on tumblr/reddit that went on in the late 2010’s
#rusty speaks#system tag#love notes#they have a very similar vibe#Ik this is probably gonna be reposted to some subreddit(s) but idc at this point#the arguments on whether certain systems are faking their symptoms or not is stupid as fuck#like y’all don’t know someone’s day to day experiences other than what they post on social media#like yeah I make joke posts about my disorder and so do others#that doesn’t mean I don’t experience the disorientation and anxiety and anger and distress that others with the disorder feel#also I’m cross faded as hell again so I’m more honest that usual#I felt so anxious and stupid switching out with my Husk alter last night while at my friend’s place#I was trying to signal to my bf that we switched but he wasn’t getting it until we locked in enough to text him what was going on#I still feel so bad about telling a woman during an NA meeting “wow! you’ve been sober longer than I’ve been alive!!’’#and hearing “you’ve already told me that’’#shit made me wanna kill myself highkey#anyways toodles or whatever#I need to start writing in a diary again low-key
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The desire to make content and be a fixture of society VS the crippling exhaustion from simply existing
#i kinda wanna die#but i sont have tre energy to plan and shit#my depression is what is stopping me from killing myself lmao#What a paradox#legitimately im too exhausted to think about making and excecuting a plan
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i hate biology class so much holy shit
#the fact that anything to do with the cardiovascular system makes me like actually nauseous and overstimulated does NOT go good with#learning about blood types and all that shit im actually going to kill myself i hate this so much#whst the fuck do you mean theres tubes in me. and blood. ew???? genuinely makes me wanna blow my brains out its sickening#dont even get me started on the heart that shits disgusting#jello shut up challenge
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#ramblings of a lunatic#good lord WHY AM I SO BAD AT TEXTING IT DOES NOTHING BUT CAUSE ME PROBLEMS I CAN'T GENUINELY BE THIS OVERWHELMED BY THE PROSPECT OF#CONVERSATION LIKE#genuinely it's not funny anymore wtf is wrong with me WHY DO I TAKE DAYS TO GET BACK TO PPL#THEY HATE IT IT MAKES THEM MAD AT ME AND THEN I'M MAD AT ME BUT I'M STILL FUCKING DOING IT AND I WANNA STOP#like it's not that i don't love these people they're literally my best friends i just. idk I'm all up in my head#about having nothing to say or not even having memes to send them (my fyp is mostly comics and they don't like that stuff)#god. killing myself i am so dog shit at this whole ''being a person'' thing
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i treat botw and totk like the sims so OBVIOUSLY I wanna do the dream home tarrey town quest, but this majorly conflicts with my emotional investment in the hateno house
#zelink live together in hateno!!! I can't move link out???? while zelda is gone no less???#I get her back and I'm like yeah hey babe btw I moved out. yeah. and not even just to a different house#yeah it's an entirely different town. yeah it's very far from the school you teach at#yeah the one I teach at too after having done THAT sidequest#like. no. that's fucked up. I need a place to put the weapons I don't wanna use though#at least it's marketed as a family home. that makes it still a little romantically coded#bc it's undeniably a house for getting a partner and raising a family#i can tell myself this is the home they'll grow old in and shit. BUT IT'S SO FAR FROM HER SCHOOL IT KILLS ME
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Paid my share of rent and ohhh I'm in danger <3
#I've sillied too long to the sun I think and heh well I don't know what to do about it#dont wanna quit this job because i want to work somewhere for at least a year but ummm i get no hours 🥀#trying to apply to another job but i have the shit brain that makes me want to kill myself if i fill out forms for more than a minute#and I've gone nowhere fast on commissions because i dont do art enough for people to give a shit and also im awful at marketing myself AAAHH
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It feels good to remove a toxic person from your life but at the same time it depresses me. Cause it means i'm still alone. I keep trying to meet new people but none of them ever make enough effort to talk to me and really get to know me. And then it's just yet another reason to hate myself and feel unwanted. Just feels like I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life lol
#some people really can be so fucking cruel tho#like how can you as a human being make another human being feel like shit and worthless#my self esteem just keeps taking a battering lol#like how tf am i meant to love myself when everyone just treats me like i'm nothing??#srsly just makes me wanna kill myself
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