#she knows what shes doing is horrific and shes doing it anyway
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Built to Break
Trigger warning: Torture and dark themes
Continuation of this<-
In life, itâs said all actions cause a reaction; consequences that could be seen while others remained elusive until the final moment. Mona never found herself to be an elusive figure, yet as she stared into the widened, cold gaze of her mother, Mona knew immediately that she had been as poised as her hidden dagger.
âTalk?â Her mother said with a dry venom. âThe hell do we have to talk about? Untie me!â
âWow. Not even gonna ask about dad? Then again, why would you? He couldnât even bother to sober up
enough to see you choking on smoke. Or maybe he simply didnât care?â Mona picked up her knife, causally spinning it. âAnyways, heâs dead now.â
âDid I ask?â
âNo, but I doubt you understand how. You were never that fucking bright.â
âYou killed him.â Her eyes narrowed. She did her best to move her arms but the ropes wouldnât allow it. âDoesnât take a genius to figure it out. Youâve always been an opportunistic rat.â
âSays the woman who whored out her own daughters. Youâre only half right by the way. An opportunistic rat wouldâve used the blaze to commit a crime like murder or abduction.â
âAnd what the hell would you call all of this?â
âSimple, it was planned. After all, I am the one who started the fire.â
Monaâs mother went stiff, her blood running cold as the girl flashed a horrific grin that found this situation marvelous. Mona finally stood up and began circling around the chair.
âThatâs right. It was all me. Took awhile to get that much Dust but hey, it was worth the sight. Although I shouldâve guessed dad would simply remain drunk off his own ass in that chair of his. It honestly looked like he wanted to go. I mean being with you is practically being de-â
Tuh!
A lob of spit hit Mona right in the face. Her eyes darted towards her mother who was now seething. Mona ran her left hand across where the spit landed then flicked it back at the sender.
âRude. Iâm talking.â She stopped right in front of the chair and squatted real low, her gaze fixated on the anger directed towards her. âYouâre forgetting your own rule. I thought we were supposed to be accommodating to those holding the power?â
Without warning, Monaâs knife found a new home in the womanâs right thigh. Before she could even yell, Mona gripped her jaw like a vice and yanked her close enough to bite.
âYell and I will drag the knife down and pop out your knee.â She pushed her mother away and stood back up. A strained chuckle left her throat as she shook herself off. âWooo! Hehe, got a little real there for a second. Damn, still know how to get under my skin I guess.â
âTh-The hell do you want? The fuck is this all about!?â Her voice trembled as she held back the pain.
âFinally getting emotional are we? The stone cold bitch attitude was never for you anyway. Donât get me wrong; youâre definitely cold and a bitch. The last thing youâll ever be is stone though. No, youâve always been brittle. Not to mention stupid. You canât guess why Iâm here? Are you serious? If weâre playing that game then fine, I can play. So then, mother, arenât you going to ask me if my dear little sister survived the fire?â
âOh you can not be serious?â Rage returned. âAll this for Amber? Last time I checked, you didnât give a rat's ass about her when you ran away! Now you wanna care?! FUCK Y-â
Another knife flew through the air and found a home in the womanâs left shoulder.
âGah! Aaagh!â
Mona put her right leg on the chair and leaned forward, looking down on her motherâs writhing face. âYou really have to learn to mind your tone.â She pushed it in deeper, letting her motherâs screams echo through the metal pillars until she was sure her knife hit bone. Mona yanked the blade in her momâs leg out and took a few steps back again to watch.
Blood now stained burnt clothes covered in ash. The pathetic excuse for a person was coughing on her own spit as she gasped in the brief agony inflicted on her body, which only prolonged the pain.
Mona rolled her eyes. âLook at you, practically drooling. What, forget how to swallow? You sure as hell made certain I didnât. How many personal lessons did you give Amber and I? They were always so much more brutal than the real deal. How you managed that, Iâll never know.â
âSo itâs all about revenge?â Her lungs wheeze as she took a sharp breath before coughing again. âGonna do everything I ever taught you eh?â
âFuck no. If anybody wanted your body then maybe your hands wouldnât have been busy on us and taking lien from your old clients in exchange for fresh blood. Mustâve been a dream come true. Vacuoâs most known whore was finally free, or maybe it pissed you off that after getting pregnant from a nobody, you became one too? One child robbed you off all your worth, and apparently your looks. Guess I was born a thief.â
âYou are lucky to be born at all!â
âAm I though? Should I be grateful that I have your hair? Eyes that people canât get enough of? Youâd sell those too if it was worth the cost.â
âOh cry me river.â She growled. âYouâve been away from me for years now and all you get up to is stealing and choosing when to choke on a dick for your own profit! Donât act like youâre torn up about it.â
Mona spun the tip of her knife on her finger. âTrue enough I guess. Not like there were many options I could think of atâŚhow old was I? Eh, as if it matters. Iâd probably remember if you ever sent me to school, or taught me anything that didnât involve submitting. All that money you made off of me and nothing to show for it. What was I saying again? Oh right, I was gutter trash who only knew two ways to make money well. No fucking shit I used it.â
âThen you understand exactly where Iâm-â
âAh, ah, ah. Iâm still talking, and that sentence sounded dangerously close to hurting your good leg.â
Mona threw the knife right between both legs. She walked over and startled her mother, pulling the knife out in the process. âYou knowâŚif kids really caused you so much trouble in your life, I can help make sure you never have them again.â
The blade tore away a sliver of the burnt shirt around her abdomen. Panic fought its way into her brain as Monaâs cold eyes told her that wasnât a joke.
âIâm waiting for an answer.â Mona said calmly.
âN-No.â
âNo, what?â
Tears welled up. âNo maâam.â
âHeh, good girl. I guess you do remember how to act.â Mona brought the knife up to catch her motherâs tears. âI donât think Iâve ever seen you cry. Itâs pretty ugly. Maybe thatâs why those idiots didnât care much when Amber wept.â
âWh-What have you heard?â
âNothing really. Just that you were strapped for money again so you did what you always do. As long as the price is high enough, anyone is an option. How much?â
ââŚI-â
âHow much?â
â10,000 lien! They paid 10,000 lien!â
âThatâs all it took for you to hand Amber to two huntsmen so inept they couldnât even handle a starving teenager fending them off without killing her. I didnât even bother asking them what set her off, or if she cried. Letâs be real, we both know she did.â
âYou found them?â
âDid you think foreign huntsman could kill a girl and Ruby Rose wouldnât be all over it. Now thatâs a mother. Had those two in a cell immediately and the knees made the rounds, which Iâm guessing is how you heard that 10,000 lien had cost you everything. You ask why I care? Amber was nothing like me and you knew that.
Mona got up and kicked the chair, shattering it with ease and causing her mother to fall down onto the cold, sandy and metal flooring. The chains restringing her to the chair were now useless, bot the set personally bounding her legs. Mona attached her wrists together and put the link on a hook while her mother groaned. Mona took back her second knife to inflict more pain before walking over to a metal beam with a button she pressed. The hook rose, dragging a body up with it until her toes grazed the ground.
âAgh! Please, enough! I get it! Youâre pissed! I fucked up!â
âYour entire life is a fuck up, and I donât remember saying I was pissed off. Youâve done so much to me that I think Iâm full circle on it. After all, you did teach me one thing about myself you never intended.â
âIâŚI did?â She huffed, twitching as Mona got close again.
âPut people under enough stress, and you see what theyâre made of; you can see how they break. I learned long ago I was made to be broken. To be put back together as needed and torn down if need be. Thatâs why I donât mind how my life has shaped out to be. Itâs why I cared to come after you. I donât give up a fuck about you! Amber however, you broke her even before I even ran away and you knew it. She stopped speaking, thinking, being anything. Amber was basically a doll. How was I supposed to take her away with me? I had no shelter. Everyone knew who we belonged to! Mother fucker, IâVE ALWAYS CARED!â Mona hissed, her eyes stinging. âYou made it impossible to leave with her! Like you said, I kept doing what you taught me cause I had nowhere to go, and Amber was never built to take that life! You took my sister and left behind the pieces. Now those donât even exist anymore and Iâm left falling apart again because maybe I shouldâve ran off with her anyways?! Hehe haha! Itâs so STUPID! You do everything wrong and yet Iâm the one feeling like a fuck up? I can barely keep down my dinner.â
Monaâs head buzzed, causing her to hold it in discomfort. She really felt like she might vomit. Was it rage, or guilt? She didnât know or care. She just knew what she always did. âThis is such bullshit.â
Her mother had given up hope of trying to escape. All her cuts had been to cause pain and bleed, but even she could tell none of them were fatal. âO-Okay. Okay, I- Iâm sorry. You made your point. Just turn me in already and Iâll confess to everything.â She pleaded.
Monaâs eyes looked at the woman with a burning indifference. âEven now, you barely pay attention. Do you think youâre getting out of this before breaking? I should at least give it my all. Just like you did for us.â She spun her knives. âEvery place they left a mark, Iâm going to put on you. Hold out until then.â
Panic came back with a single step forward. Tears mixed with ash, sweat, grime as her heart pounded. She practically jumped out of her skin as Mona held her face still.
âIâll keep them shallow. Those hurt the worst.â Mona slid the blade across her right cheek, drawing blood. âI thought I told you crying made you ugly. For once, you are going to follow my instructions to the letter. Do you understand?â
âY-Yes!â She sniffed, terrified of her own creation. âIâll do whatever you say. Then-then I go, right?â
âHaha, as long as you listen then yes, I will let you go.â Mona took a step back and smiled, watching her mother smile back faintly. âAlthoughâŚI donât think I heard a maâam after that, yes. Someone isnât a good rule follower.â
And just like that, light faded from the womanâs eyes, matching her daughterâs. âN..No.â tears ran down in full force. âI-Iâm sorry! IâM SORRY!â Mona got closerâŚ
âAnd now youâre yelling and crying again. Thatâs three strikes already. Pfft, oh well. Itâs like you told me once, some people only learn after the punishment. Try not to see dad too soon for me. Speaking of seeingâŚâ Mona held her motherâs eyes open. âMight as well start here.â
âSt-STOP! STAAAAAHHHHP!â
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A SUCCESS STORY FROM POWERFUL LITTLE ME
Heres a little wake up call. Before learning about the law I used to be so delusional. So far gone from reality like. Ignorance was fucking bliss I was manifesting crazy shit and when I realized this was the work of loa, I doom scrolled to educate myself on something I was already good at. Let me show you a glimpse of what I used to do.
When I was in middle school I had learned about manifesting. And I went about it in a strange way. I was a really good student up studying always made me a little crazy. School made me a little crazy. And I would pick myself up and go every morning because I had to. I preferred school over home but I hated both. So I was kind of indifferent to it. At this time I heard of manifesting. It was the end of December and I was just sick of school. So utterly sick I wanted to never come back. And I donât know what made me do this but I would swear up and down that something was going to happen to me and I wasnât going to school. And I kept saying this to myself to motivate me to pick myself up. (I have no idea what I was on, I was so delusional) I didnât know what I was doing like I still went to school everyday but i was just joking around a little off my hinges you know. Anyway i got appendicitis đ. And I stayed home for a the whole of February đ.
I didnât connect this to manifesting bc it seemed like a coincidence and I had been having stomach pain + frequent hospital trips for a few months so it was like it already happened. Anyway I went back to school and my home room teacher was my English teacher. And in English we had this thing where we wrote a book entry everyday and after two weeks we turned them in. Now I was always on time with this but since I had surgery I didnât do mine and procrastinated on it even when I went back to school. So the Friday I woke up and figured sheâd check them I was so scared it was the due date. But again idk what possessed me but I woke up shook my head and decided she wouldnât come to school even though she never specifically skips Fridays.
I turned out she fell down some stairs and didnât return for the rest of the year. The guilt ate me up. I confessed đ. I told my friends it was me. She was already over weight and I was so worried. I did this with my math teacher when I didnât do the hw but she always came back the next day. From that day manifesting scared me. I didnât use subs, meditations or anything I just knew in a disregarding way.
After a horrific few months of introspection. Iâm understanding things and have been consistently manifesting things for myself the past few days. Now I want to point a few things out. Me manifesting getting appendicitis took ignoring my life and having a âfeelingâ(It was NOT a feeling I was delusional asf and made things up to help me cope) but I persisted without knowing it would ACTUALLY happen. It took a month of persistence while manifesting my teacher not coming took an hour. There was no goal. I already had what I had wanted and in both cases didnât care for the 3d. I didnât do anything wrong to delay my manifestations the first time. I simply did not care about time. Or about 3d. Because i didn't even know what i was doing at the time id never heard of loa just manifesting. It didnât matter that it manifested in a month and the other in an hour. I didnât waver during either. I was a delusional ahh kid. I didnt do any of those things bc I didn't know what i was doing. I think it was escapism. Trying not to identify with my reality in order to bear it. And on feb 1st i had gotten surgery.
Another thing. I was religious during this time bc of my family. So I definitely had limiting beliefs but that did not stop anything. Despite having them I manifested what I wanted. When we only focus on tackling limiting beliefs we make them worse by giving them value and over stressing them. I will get more into this in a future post just wanted to point out that if 12 year old stubborn, crazy, delusional, religious, me could do it so can you.
~ With love Jyspire
#loa blog#loa tumblr#loablr#loass#loassblog#loassumption#loa#4d reality#self concept#shifting motivation#self love#love
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now that I've finished datv.. i have some first pass thoughts
spolers below
first of all why is this game trying so hard to rehabilitate in-universe controversial aspects? I mean like. Slavery in Tevinter. It's swept under the rug with a few lukewarm platitudes and codices about how it's being addressed off-screen. Previous games have established how horrific it is, but the tevinter we see in veilguard doesn't reflect that at all. it feels dismissive of a lot of major setting and character development. Same with the antivan crows! they were described as a brutal, cruel organization but now they're the underdog protectors? Sure, there was family drama and a few mentions of how cut-throat things HAD been before, but we don't get to *see* any of that. illario was weak as an example of this bc he was the only thing to be shown as bad. There's no tangible impact.
it seems like a feeble attempt to make sure the players understand that the writers do not condone the unsavory aspects of the setting and characters, while making everything a Teachable Moment. honestly half of the game felt like a psa on extremely basic ethics, like surface-level shit children already know.
on top of that, idk why the game is trying so hard to therapize the player via companions' emotional journeys. The extremely basic and direct "your feelings matter and it's okay to feel your feelings! " scenarios were so repetitive and cringe. Sesame street level bullshit. am i crazy for expecting a more mature and nuanced approach to emotional struggle??? I swear previous games were better at this
also fuck all of southern thedas, it's cooked. hope yall didn't care!
Anyway.
ive only played through Neve's romance and i chose her bc she talks and acts like an adult and not a flustered teenager like harding, or a quirky mpdg like bellara. I liked it, it was fine. no strong feelings about it tho.
I didnt consider Taash as a romance option bc they act like a petulant child most of the time and that's just not fun for me.. and I don't love that Taash seems more like a prop for Gender Ideology 101 rather than being a fully complex character who is working through a gender identity crisis. I am not trans and cannot fully speak to this but as someone who knows more than the absolute basics of gender ideology, their story felt patronizing.
the boys are... fine, I guess. I wrecked treviso so I think i got locked out of some Lucanis stuff but his possession just isn't as compelling as previous characters who have been possessed. Davrin is fine, inoffensive. Emmerich is funny I do like him, Manfred is delightful.
I played as an elf bc I hoped it'd be extra relevant to the story, what with the Big Bad(s) being evanuris. it didn't matter at all. the crossroads doesn't even look different for an elf character like it did in Trespasser.
I expected everything to drive torward making Solas out to being a Good Guy Actually, and it kind of did. but super aggravating for have phantom varric to say that after being actually murdered by him like damn!! you are just gonna let that guy walk all over you bc yall were friends for a short while a decade ago. Where was that sympathy for Anders??
varric being a figment of rook's imagination the whole time was a fun reveal, tho.
siiigghhh. but listen. there were things I liked about the game, too. the gameplay is fun. the environments are GORGEOUS. the characters look good, i think the art style is fine actually. the character creator is great (except those qunari fiveheads RIP)
a lot of the banter and jokes did genuinely make me laugh, and i did like exploring maps and interacting with the new companions generally.
I havent given a lot of thought to it but I think a lot of the plot-related issues i have could've been solved by just setting the game like, 100 years in the future. All of the questionable and unsavory aspects of the cultures the game tries SO hard to diminish and write off would've had time to be organically rectified in-universe. I guess.
well. whatever.
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Not over Cait threatening to throw some guy in prison in front of her gf who was wrongfully imprisoned and tortured for a decade
#arcane#i see people discussing and debating caits terrible actions but i havent seen anyone talk about this???#girl you know the prison system is fucked they beat the shit out of your girlfriend#in season one you could excuse her for being privileged and sheltered from the reality of the world#but girl you saw what happens to prisoners you saw it#she knows what shes doing is horrific and shes doing it anyway#arcane vi#arcane caitlyn#caitvi
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saw someone say they're we're happy Alicent's and Otto's deaths forced them "realize what they had done" and like...
Otto's one thing, I get the animosity. but Alicent? your getting hot and bothered over her realizing she failed, she failed to save her children, she failed to protect them, to them alive? that she tried so hard, so fucking hard, making every hard decision, trying to get between her children and the fate they were damned to by Viserys and Rhaenyra? that she damned her kids, who were already damned to die to begin with, and had to suffer the guilt of them dying to her own hand? that she's going to drive herself mad with grief over her children, her grandchildren?
like... it's not satisfying (especially for show Alicent) watching a woman go so mad with grief it literally kills her because she fought with everything she had to save her children only for them to die anyway. ever since her father's exile, when Rhaenyra's lies took Viserys's favor, when Viserys ignored the Rhaenyra's sons bastardhood at the risk of the whole house, or when Luke took Aemond's eye and Viserys demanded good will; she knew her children's lives were forfeit. then Daemon killed Vaemond and her children's coffins were built, catching cobweb's all the while. she knew and she fought it desperately, taking risk after risk, living in fear until her moment came, she could out Aegon on the thrown, she could protect her kids, maybe, just fucking maybe they'd be safe... only for it to lead to a war that would kill her entire family.
her death, slow and tragic as it was, is heartbreaking. she didn't deserve it, she deserved to feel safe, to feel as though she could allow her past friend take the thrown without her children being at risk to feel as though she and her children weren't being circled by wolves and picked at by vulture's. she didn't deserve to live alone and die alone. she didn't deserve to have her hands coated in her children's blood.
#the fact that her (amongst many other greens deaths) get so many TB fans dicks hard is actually nauseating#like do you not realize how fucking awful her death is going to be?#like I cant imagine her pain#imagine risking it all after years of literal torture by her own families hand#her father manipulation. Viserys's abuse snd neglect. Rhaenyra's betrayal.#to save her kids#knowing they were damned#thst they would die if she didnt try#and than they died horrifically anyway#despite her efforts to save them#to be a good mother#to not fail them???#and this isnt to blame her if that isnt clear#its just such a fucked up situation she was in#they were going to die regardless (in my opinion the war was going to happen no matter what they did and it would have claimed their lives)#but in trying to save them it felt like it was her fault#if you get what i mean#which makes her descent into madness so sickeningly horrific#alicent hightower#alicent my beloved#pro team green#pro alicent hightower#hotd#house of the dragon
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itâs 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man thereâs just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes itâs throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#itâs fine itâs fine itâs fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so thereâs a lot iâm coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said âmmmmmm now i have u in my gripâ#whatever itâs fine heâs stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesnât miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence itâs wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this youâre one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says donât date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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extremely frustrating situation
#overly long winded explanation incoming#so iâm gonna be living with two friends starting this fall#my parents bought a little townhouse and weâre renting from them#so theyâre getting all of the paperwork and contracts and leases figured out#and these two friends are just. awful with deadlines. horrific. just the worst.#my dad has been flexible but heâs had to keep nagging them again and again to get these forms signed and whatever#and one of them finally finished the whole process and sheâs good to go#but the other one still just needs to get the lease signed/notarized with their dad. like. asap. like within a few days.#and iâm trying my best to be like heyyyy sorryyyy not trying to nag or anything but we do need that ASAPâŚ. it should be quick and easyâŚ#i know youâre working double shifts every single day and your dog just died im so sorry#but my parents say you should be able to just go to the bank during a lunch break to get it notarizedâŚ..#please donât be mad at me or my parents for saying we need this NowâŚâŚ iâm sorry i know you have a lot going on but we do Need that done#right awayâŚ.#anyway i donât want you to be mad at me or think iâm just nagging so hereâs a topic change! oh you didnât respond to the topic change.#fuck me then. god. i canât tell if youâre mad at me or not but i have the suspicion you Are. and thatâs making Me mad at You#like god man just come the fuck on already youâve missed every other deadline up to this point too. can you please just FUCKING get#everything submitted so we can stop worrying about it and just get excited to live together!! because itâs gonna be fun!!#but itâs worrying me too bc like⌠if this is how theyâre acting before weâre even living together#and theyâre missing all of these deadlines#am i gonna have to nag them to pay their rent every month?#itâs just frustrating bc it feels like theyâre taking advantage of the fact that itâs my parents and not some other landlord#so they donât think the deadlines my parents set are like. actual deadlines#meanwhile if it WASNT my parents theyâd literally be out of a place to live because the housing market is so fucked there#and if you donât get everything submitted within The Day then youâre no longer a candidate to rent the place#if you can even get to that point in the first place#so like. my parents are being exceptionally flexible and obv i canât really know what this friendâs thought process is#but it feels like theyâre just kinda taking them for granted and taking advantage of their kindness#like fuck dude just please come on
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{Hero Archetypes: The More... something version}
The Fallen Hero You are the Fallen Hero, a tragic embodiment of betrayal, vengeance, or perhaps a heart-wrenching love story turned awry. Whether exposed to corrupting influences, manipulated by deal-makers, brainwashed, extorted, blackmailed, or witnessing the destruction of sacred bonds, your descent into darkness is marked by profound sorrow and loss. You might have turned for the sake of greed. Yet within, a lingering spark of hope remains, compelling you to reluctantly extend assistance to the newcomers. Motivated by the sincere desire to shield them from the same tragic fate you endured, you find yourself driven to guide and protect, despite the shadows of your own past.
tagged by: @tarnishedxknight tagging: anyone!!
#quiz#((*taps fingers together* I have;;; thoughts on this#so this isn't. quite accurate for Gylfie as she does have morals and does act for what is good#which is going against Vayne and fighting for all of Ivalice instead of continuing to blindly go with Archadia's expansion#because she knows Vayne will destroy Ivalice in his constant need for power and Archadia will devour herself before she's full#so Gylfie never fell in the sense of turning on what is right and following Vayne without question#or continuing to believe that it was the destiny of the Empire to conquer all#with that all said - I can see her having a corruption arc and I think that'd be fun to explore heh#but also this is accurate with how Gylfie sees *herself*#I really should write a post about this at some point lol#but Gylfie doesn't believe herself to be a good person whatsoever. She used to believe Archadia was the best of the best for *years*#and felt it appropriate for the Empire she loved so much to continue her expansion and that Rozarria was 100% the enemy#and... never thought twice about the smaller kingdoms caught in the warpath#her mother's criticism of Archadia slowly began to chip at that but she wasn't disillusioned until Nabudis because *that*#was something she absolutely couldn't get behind no matter how she felt about the Empire. it was a horrific and brutal act that greatly#disturbed her and really snapped her out of it#also Ffamran leaving did make her start to question things a bit but not quite enough#anyway my point is: Gylfie doesn't believe herself to be a good person. she believes herself to be a *product* of war#to be too much like her father to be a good person#and that she's done so much harm that there is no room for her to be good#with that said she doesn't necessarily see herself as a horrible person but. definitely not a good one#and ABSOLUTELY doesn't see herself as *any* kind of hero - she'd honestly just laugh if someone called her one#but she had been brainwashed essentially and she had witnessed destruction of sacred bonds#and she has acted selfishly and she has done horrible things in the name of the Empire#but she also tries so hard to do *right* despite it all. she *wants* Archadia to be better#she *wants* Ivalice to remain whole and she does what she can to see Vayne defeated and Archadia changed for the better#her goal of becoming Judge Magister changes from her believing it was her birthright to her wanting to be one to make sure Archadia#stays on track and continues to do better under Larsa's rule because she knows he'll make the Empire *better*#and she's willing to do whatever she can to protect him and protect Archadia's future#but with that she may have to do things that wouldn't necessarily be considered *good*
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I think over covid my m*ther was using the situation to make me not hate her for being a kinda terrible person but I'm having realisations because currently I don't have the threat of my grandmother hanging over my head. how fucked up is it that she refused to let me pursue university on my own terms
#I wasn't allowed to consider music I wasn't allowed to go to another city because I would have to live in a dorm alone#I originally intended to attempt to go to a foreign uni just so I had a chance to escape and on the night where they had all the uni info#there was a booth with info on how to get into a yank college and I took the leaflet because it was a foreign uni#and when my m*ther saw it she screamed her head off at me. that's not right!!!#after I realised I couldn't do that because I wasn't capable of doing all I needed to on my own#I was trying to delay it by maybe six months so I could get my shit together by pointing out I NEEDED a break from education#like I'd gone through a horrific grade twelve and ok we all know what my experience with education is at this point#I was not ready to attend uni! I needed time away from educational settings but was I allowed to do that? no!#actually I wanted to take a gap year anyway since like. 2016. just to decide what I wanted to do#guess what I got in response to that? 'you aren't taking a gap year because you can't get a job'#because apparently the only reason you take a gap year is to work.#it wasn't even a financial thing but even if it was that maybe should've been explained#so I got shoved. into a degree I did not want. I'm completing it but at this fucking point man#I can't cope with it?
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okay abt to sleep but consider: AU where cassidy survives but only because her brother is killed instead and she is the most vengeful, angry 13-year-old ( or older, if it's years later ) who will do anything to find out and literally actually kill william herselfâ
#â˝ââ ⸢ ooc ⸼#â˝ââ ⸢ wishlist ⸼#f n a f /#murder mention tw#child death mention tw#'why wouldn't she find proof and report him' because she doesn't trust the world and DEF not the law#but also because she wants to kill him and you know what good for her#anyway this is prob the singular circumstance where i'd do an au where she lived#i think her dynamic with any william would be CRAZY if she started to suspect him#esp because i HC she went to the diner a LOT as a kid ( esp w/ her brother ) in any verse#because it was an escape from home life#and i'm not opposed to her ( in any verse again ) having had a decent relationship with william#because you know the manipulative bastard targets victims who need / want something or who have shitty lives#PS /heavily/ implies that with fruit m.aze and midn.ight motorist#tbh she's the definition of sb who needs any adult whatsoever to give a shit abt her#i think the idea that she finally sorta trusts him & obv he horrifically betrays that trust works well even in canon verse#on an unrelated note i think her and mike could've been friends or at least friendly given that i write cass as a bit older#than the other victims. i think she would see his whole 'demonized by the community thing' & Get It#because they don't generally like her much either. she's rebellious kinda has an attitude very androgynous in the 80s etc
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i wrote my funt.ime foxy one time which means i now have brainrot abt how early on foxy absolutely has this mindset of like. that's my dad! my creator! i love him! and because there's a certain sentimentality involved in the fact that these are his creations and his alone, william isn't even like. opposed to that. like, william interacting with the classic animatronics and treating them as Just Robots even when they show signs of sentience due to possession/agony/remnant VS him very much interacting with the funt.imes as semi-sentient beings. and then there's foxy (and potentially the others) who isn't initially aware of what his purpose is, who is excited to entertain and show off and prove himself! and then has to come to grips with something extremely horrific that is fully out of her control and quite literally consumes her very nature.
these are the reasons i'm always talking abt beating my william to death on the multi
#ââ ⧠ooc Âť#.tbd.#(for anyone not following the multi (you should fkdhsal come write with my fn.af bbies) my foxy uses he/she pronouns)#associates my other fn.af muses with my william and then gets mad that he's Like That lmao#btw his treatment of the funt.imes extends to how he treats the glamr.ocks in his SB verse#esp if he made them himself#anyway i know that baby's claim of not knowing what she was doing/purely following programming could've been a lie#but i think it's horrifically worse if it's not#and for my foxy it's def true. imagine only caring about being an entertainer and then your own code and body betrays that#in the most horrific way imaginable because it's what your creator wanted and now there's blood on YOUR hands#hehe me looking back over this post and realizing i'm accidentally making funt.ime foxy - mike correlations again WHOOPS BYE#something something the robot your father made for you also has pseudo-father trauma & massive guilt that's not his own#i want to clarify i didn't intend that but now that i've realized it will be FULLY intentional <3#the way i debated which blog to post this on because it really is half abt foxy and half abt william
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i'm getting tired of realizing that xyz situation was traumatic.
#goddamn trauma onion over here.#keep peeling back different layers. finding more#it's annoyinggg ugh#i'm realizing recently i have a lot more trauma due to the horror of being autistic and not knowing it.#just. different horrific situations that i was in where i had no idea the people around me had negative feelings towards me only to have it-#-all come crashing downâ from my perspectiveâ for no reason at all.#anyways my high school gf's best friend's family banned me from their home because they all thought i was like.#a ticking time bomb about to kill them all or something. and i had no clue?? i thought like.#that we were all friends. i thought they liked me.#and that hurt obviously.#but what really hurts is that my gf continued to go there. like. she would have me drop her off still.#and i wasn't allowed to even get out of my car.#like. despite how they demonized me she still spent time with them. had me DRIVE HER to them.#it kinda fucked me up i'm realizing.#she cheated on me with him lol. go figure#they're still together! afaik#i don't harbor any negative feelings towards her we were seventeen y'know. stupid kids.#i don't think she could've realized how much that fucked with my head.#i hope they've both grown.#i do hold something of a grudge towards him still admittedly. he kind of bullied me in school.#and that's a whole other thing y'know. intentionally cruelty and all that.#bite.txt#âpeter
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#delete later#stuck thinking about my fortnight of intense delusion abd just realised that when i eventually told my mum#anf she told me that there probably was a oresence there but he probably didnt want to hurt me#note this is A REALLY BAD THING TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD WHO JUST SHARED THAT THEY SPENT TWO WEEKS#TERRIFIED BC THEY KNEW IN THEIR BONES A CREATURE WAS FOLLOWING THRM AROUND THE HOUSE AND WOULD#KILL THEM IF THEY LOOKED AT IT#but she also said that her sister told her a similar thing had hapoebed to her slash visited her#this sister has had psychosis. like shes medicated for a bundle of mental health conditions one of which is a psychotic disorder#GREAT. that coming back is one of my biggest fears. my aunt seems to have had a bunch of other things ao im less likely#fo develop a psychotic disorder but IDK. Yhat two weeks is the most frightened ive ever been. was genuinly horrific#just. awful#anyway im glad to be home. fucking hate that visiting triggers all these things. im the most suicidal ive been in months#but im fine im doing the crisis plan abd will be fine in like a week no one freak out. just the ideation is STRONG#but i know what to do. very much not my first rodeo
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a source of angst, drama, and character study that ime is sorely underexplored is haru's willingness to forgive her Objectively Horrific father but not akechi. I have takes on it.
#â˘ď¸.txt#the overall take is 'trauma is complicated and sometimes its just like this'#but i do think the longer haru is removed from being an abused teenager the more she realizes#oh. that was actually that bad. it was even more horrific than i processed at the time.#i also think she gets a better understanding of just how exploitative and awful her father's business practices were#as she becomes more involved with the business herself + starts founding her own cafes#to be clear i dont think she forgives akechi or necessarily *should* so much as i think its interesting#i also just want her to have to confront the idea that a lot of people are glad her father died. and its for reasons#that are just as legitimate as the reasons she was devastated. because of the Complexity there#smth smth the haru vs akechi vs yusuke approach to having an awful father#haru's desperation to restore a dad she lost. akechi wanting to destroy shido at all costs while craving shreds of 'affection'.#yusuke going from blind rage at madarame to quietly believing that he did love him. it wasnt all a lie.#akechi finds both of their views very upsetting! because he's physically incapable of not taking things personally.#but part of it is also that. they have *some* reason to believe those things. their dads sucked and akechi does think they deserved to die!#but apparently okumura was a decent father once upon a time. apparently madarame wasnt always terrible.#akechi doesnt have that because he knows damn well theres nothing in shido's words. everyone knows what shido thought of akechi.#anyways. some day maybe ill write this!#roz hcs
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a year ago, i was celebrating simchat torah when my rabbi interrupted the services to let us know there had been an attack on israel. we didnât know how bad yet, but we prayed everything would be alright. the rest of the service went on as planned, but there was a chill in the air, like we knew something had changed. something big. but we didnât quite understand it yet.
a year ago, i watched people iâd followed for years celebrate a gruesome massacre of over a thousand human beings before we even really knew what had happened. i watched anons pour into my inbox, demanding i condemn israel even though israel hadnât even retaliated yet.
a year ago, i talked to my nonna on facetime for her birthday. she was in her 90s and wasnât as present anymore, and i could barely focus because my thoughts were thousands of miles away. i promised her iâd call her the next day but my next day became scrolling past horrific photos and videos i didnât want to see, posts celebrating the attacks, posts telling people that if they didnât celebrate the attacks that they were bad people. she died two weeks later and the same people sharing the posts celebrating the massacre sent me messages telling me it was good my nonna was dead, or extremely crude and disgusting messages about what they wanted to do to her dead body because she was âprobably a zionist.â
a year ago, i worked at a synagogue that started getting dozens of calls and emails from people, across the spectrum from neo nazis to evangelical christians to radical leftists saying the most horrific things, telling us it was our fault, that we had to do something, that it was on us. we were responsible. an anon told me i was a zionist because i had a zionist language on my blog (hebrew) and worked at a zionist institution (synagogue).
a year ago, i started losing friends one by one after many of them started to share posts justifying or celebrating the massacre or memes created by neo nazis, some of which didnât even bother to sub out âjewsâ for âzionistsâ but they shared them anyway. i was pushed out of an activist group after months of begging them to stop using antisemitic language because i had the audacity to tell a white gentile in the group not to say racist things about a black indigenous jew behind her back, and said gentile told me he didnât have to listen to me and that he could âclaimâ the holocaust too because his ancestors were from eastern europe.
a year ago, i watched in real time as the world i thought i knew, the world in which jews had a future and safety in the united states, crumbled day after day. people that previously went out of their way to take care of me and support me decided that because i didnât feel comfortable marching alongside pictures of hitler i must be a zionist and therefore no longer belonged. the person processing my government aid didnât want to approve me because i worked for a synagogue part time and argued that the synagogue should just pay me more because âthey can afford it.â my synagogue, which has been involved in social justice since its founding several decades ago, along with its rabbis who have been just as involved, were abandoned by the communities they had put their blood, sweat, and tears into advocating for when they had the audacity to grieve for the dead of october 7th.
a year ago, i learned the hard way that we are not special in this time. antisemitism is a river that has ebbed and flowed for thousands of years, and i felt like a fool for thinking a dam could be built overnight.
a lot of people say that every day of this year for them has been october 7th, but for me every day has been october 8th. the day after the initial shock, when reality started to sink in. the realization that all the people who had shared âhappy rosh hashanahâ posts or complimented my kippah or pretended to care about harry potter goblins were quickly dropping the facade. that my token minority card had expired and now having a jew in their group didnât look diverse, it looked âsympathetic toward israel.â every day has been a painful reminder that no one else is grieving like we are, and a large number of those people are angry that we are grieving. they donât understand that weâre not just grieving the lives lost and the hostages. weâre grieving for the world we thought we knew, a world where we might have a chance to thrive like we did in the golden age of spain. but those golden years are ending. and that is one of the things we are grieving.
a lot of people also say that they wish they could go back to who they were on october 6th, but i donât. iâm glad the illusion was shattered, that i can see more clearly who will stand with jews even if they face backlash, who will challenge their antisemitic biases and do the hard work to unlearn them, and who did not have to be asked twice to share literal nazi rhetoric if it meant feeling like a hero. iâm glad the masks are coming off because it means you canât gaslight us anymore and tell us itâs all in our heads. we can see you for exactly who you are now. and we will not let you break us.
i donât want to be living forever in october. i donât want the blissful ignorance of october 6th, but i also donât want the bitter anger of october 8th. i want to stand up for what i believe in, to celebrate my culture and my people, and no amount of intimidation or harassment will keep me from loving my jewishness. you have shown me i can no longer live in october 6th, but i refuse to let you keep me in october 8th.
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