#she knows what shes doing is horrific and shes doing it anyway
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i have multiple and im going to mention all of them but im starting with THIS FUCKER HERE (blade from honkai star rail) AND I HAVE A VERY STUPID REASON FOR IT
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there was an minigame thing with a character named march 7th (dont ask) and there were little events you could encounter throughout it and one of them was that you had to choose between a red and blue pill (or the third option of giving a nonanswer) and since my choice didnt matter at all i went with the red pill because i know that the matrix is a transfem allegory and i also hc march as transfem but then another character made a little comment that blade would ALSO pick the red pill which completely makes sense for his character but since i was still on the transfem allegory mindset i had the thought of "wait does this make blade transfem??" so shes transfem to me now 👍
estrogen would NOT save her. not even REMOTELY. he's a suicidal immortal who physically cannot die because of a ritual his old friend-with-romantic-implications tried who he now wants dead more than anything else. hes basically possessed by evil plants that revive him every time he dies and he goes fucking feral. hes a mass murderer with a bounty of over 8 billion. nothing can save him. but transitioning might make her miserable life slightly more manageable? plus i mean.. throwing your old name away and being a new person? obviously a metaphor for being trans /j
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boothill! this is slightly for shipping reasons (turning a het ship wlw for funzies) but mostly projecting my gender-nonconforming transness onto the only southern disabled character i know of. are we different kinds of southern? yes. are we different kinds of disabled? also yes. do i care? absolutely not. (also because butch southern women make the world go round)
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also sampo because the idea that this fuck is a cisgender ANYTHING is laughable. this is a nonbinary transfem boymoding for shits and giggles who randomly switches to the girl voice when talking to someone JUST to fuck with them because nobody else would believe them and the person would think theyre losing it. typical masked fool stuff. gaslight gatekeep girlboss.
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and then from genshin impact: zhongli. who has CANONICALLY used shapeshifting to become a woman. and has likely done so on more than one occasion. this guy is CANONICALLY GENDERFLUID WHETHER PEOPLE LIKE IT OR NOT. and you can obviously be genderfluid and transfem at the same time so why the hell not :D
most other characters i hc as transfem i dont have much of a reason for, but im gonna list them anyways cause hell yeah
argenti (hsr) - she can have a little estrogen as a treat
dr. ratio (hsr) - no reason i just think it could work
sunday (hsr) - something something religious-trauma-and-giving-into-what-you-once-believed-to-be-sinful
diluc (genshin) - fanfiction on ao3 changed my brain chemistry
kazuha (genshin) - also no reason i just think it fits
sebastian solace (a game on roblox called pressure) - im gonna be honest with you op, i just like putting this fucker in situations. and i would love to see the struggle of medically transitioning when you've been forcibly had your body and dna altered to the point of no longer being human. even ignoring for a few seconds the thought that maybe hrt wouldnt have the same effect (or any effect at all) due to the experiments, how could you will yourself to alter yourself medically in any way after the horrific trauma you've experienced? its between fucking with your already fucked up body or having the dysphoria kill you from the inside out. i am rotating her in my mind even harder now.
p.ai.nter (from same game) on the other hand? a lot simpler. make the ai with guns a girl. also just a funny idea: you know that "put eyelashes on it to make it obvious that its a girl" thing? yeah. painter doing that.
^ TELL ME SHE WOULDNT.
i would apologize for the essay but you did say i was legally required to share so this is your fault /lh
anyways i hope you enjoyed the women
If you see this post you’re legally required to tell me at least one trans woman headcanons you have for a canonically male character, I never get to see transfem headcanons like that, give me them, and for equality of my own please know estrogen could have saved Insector Haga and Dinosaur Ryuzaki I will not elaborate, also Yuya.
#i foind fishe :))))))#<- my sebastian solace tag because not everyone wants to see 50 fanart posts of this guy on their dash in the span of 5 minutes#long post#id in alt text
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Dead Pixel Anya and Tiny Crispy Curly
⚠️CURLYA RANT INCOMING⚠️
TLDR: I only ship Curlya after the crash in a happy ending AU I made up :D
Okay so imma take this opportunity to rant about Curly and Anya’s relationship and the ✨only✨ time I will ever even entertain the thought of Curlya as a ship (cause like most of it is what I see pre crash and I’m like ✨no thank you✨)
First off forget and I mean FORGET anything pre crash. My mans is not ready for all that is Anya. He’s the definition of unworthy. Has not had his ✨arc✨. Has not truly drank his fair share of respect women juice 😔
When it was Curlys turn to care for Anya he failed spectacularly, like a main plot point of the game is how bad he fucked up by standing aside and letting J*mmy hurt her. So BAM he becomes cosmically and ironically put into a mirror position to Anya’s in their relationship.
Because now, in an instant, his very life is now in HER hands. She is literally the only one who can save him. Idk all of the medical knowledge to understand just how royally fucked up Curly was, it’s safe to say that keeping him alive at any rate would’ve been difficult to do. So that fact that she did it, with only the bare essentials of medical supplies, by herself, is nothing short of incredible.
She worked herself to the bone for months to keep him alive. After knowing that he failed her. After knowing her didn’t protect her. Knowing, for a FACT, that he wouldn’t do the same, and she still saved him anyway.
I mean, I’m sure at some point Curly must have realized that too.
And like THATS the part where I’m like “if I was Curly I would’ve fallen in love with her a little bit”. Not in the “oh you saved me I’m indebted to you” or “severely trauma bonded” way, I’m speaking in the characters being able to kinda analyze even in crazy stressful situations (like all the monologues and stuff being very well written and deeply metaphorical gives me the idea that their all capable of self reflection (except of course for J*mmy but that’s not the point).
So like I imagine that Curly can reflect on the fact that, after he failed her, over and over and over again. To the point where everything literally blew up in his face. And when the tables were turned and it was his life in Anya’s hands? She held no resentment, no malice. She saved him over and over and over again. And he had to have realized how incredible of a person she was at that point.
But only now that he finally realizes it, he can no longer say do or say anything about it. And listen that’s not even getting into J*mmy revealing his more obvious abusive tendencies to Curly. Because now not only does he have perspective on how strong of a person Anya is but how horrific the abuse was from J*mmy while being on the receiving end of it. That’s like a double serving of empathy and understanding. I’d like to imagine that, if we got to play as Curly, he’d go through that realization. 🤷
Okay now that THATS out of the way let’s get to FANON SHIT!!!! Time for the happy ending aus baby! Listen I love the game but I wanna see the characters I love get to resolve their traumas cause they deserve it!! I KNOW WHY CANON IS THE WAY IT IS I JUST WANNA PLAY PRETEND ON THE INTERNET!!
Just a quick psa, okay back to it.
I like to imagine that in those rescue aus they happen riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight after Daisuke gets out of the vent and finds Anya (btw I’m gonna say at this point her body was under too much stress and she lost the pregnancy). Apparently overdoses can be reversed so let’s say our rescue team is able to work hard and save Anya and patch up Daisuke.
The rescue team is also clocking J*mmy immediately cause this is all REALLY fucking sketchy
“why’d you send the intern into a vent shaft that you knew was dangerous”
“oh Captain said if I did I’d make my boss proud 😄”
🧍🧍🧍🧍 “dude your like 40 why’d you send the intern half your age that’s fucked up”
like that alone is enough for them to be suspicious but once Anya’s up all bets are off. I mean the shit show J*mmy “captained” the Tulpar to mostly speaks for itself but once Anya can tell someone what happened to her they can put enough together to put him in whatever space brig they have. That’s because we got a rescue team of space feminists who believe victims baby!!!
“And who funded this whole rescue hmmmmm??” I hear you say? No one. Nope. 🙂↔️ Capitalism doesn’t get to take the fun out of my character study so imma say their “Volunteer Rescue for International Cosmic Waters” or something idk 🤷. That’s not the point. The point is that this is a big shit show that got revealed by people that Pony Express couldn’t pay hush money to. And when I mean revealed I mean, this became a huge news story cause it had such a great hook. I mean that was the whole advertisement for the game!
“Crew lost in space forced to eat mouthwash while their former captain has been mutilated in the crash”
I mean I saw that on like 5 different thumbnails. Anyway people love a good story and the one Mouthwashing tells with a RELIABLE narrator at this point is tragic BUT salvageable.
Like Curly is gonna have like serious medical intervention and Daisuke will probably need stitches for the gash in his arm and Anya will need to be hospitalized from the stress of keeping Curly alive alone. Swansea might need like, idk a Tylenol or something idk? But like they CAN recover, the wrongs that Pony Express allowed can’t be made right but can at least be helped out with.
I imagine that this news story is like planet wide news. If I know humans, we love to help when we have a target and this story was popular as hell. So id like to imagine that they could the crew with whatever financial troubles they would be having. Curly could afford operations, Anya could afford medical school (which she doesn’t need because you better believed she got full ride scholarships for SAVING A MAN MUTILATED FROM THE CRASH FOR MONTHS WITH A GLORIFIED FIRST AID KIT), Daisuke could go to college (I know some people headcanon engineering or art so take your pick) Swansea could even retire if he wanted idk.
And we get the rare satisfaction of getting to see someone like J*mmy to be revealed for exactly what he is on a global scale. He’s tried, prosecuted and the world is on the crews side and they become micro celebrities (kinda like those news stories where everyone talks about it and pushed a bunch of support for like 2 weeks then moved to the next thing) cause fuck you capitalism human nature is enriched in empathy 😤
So here’s where I like to imagine where fix it fics start. The stage is set, therapy bills are paid and while everyone gets a nightmare or panic attack every now and again, things have officially been given the “happy ending au” stamp. So call “my version” of the story an angst with a happy ending rather than the original tragedy and cautionary tale 🤷
So like NOW we can START on the POSSIBILITY of curlya.
That’s right the idea of these characters getting together is a tick that has crawled in my brain and I am cursed.
Because now Curly has his chance to drink respect women juice. And you better believe my man’s gonna chug that shit. And honestly I can see Anya respecting Curly for trying to grow. Like everything is 1000% platonic (I mean maybe a little one sided crush on Curlys side and maaaybe something develops later on) and the main 4 crew are all kinda hanging out for a few reasons (interviews and meet and greets or whatever people who survive major news stories do) and also like they DID go through a shit storm together so their a little trauma bonded but in a found family way.
Anyways THIS is where I imagine all Curlya stuff to take place. This fun low stakes “we made it through the storm and now we can rest on the shore” kind of happy ending zone.
And like maybe they can get up to shenanigans and work through their trauma and love and support each other. That’s like where my fan content takes place 🧍
⚠️SO IF I EVER POST ANYTHING AND TAG IT AS “CURLYA” THIS IS THE CONTEXT IM PUTTING IT IN!!!!! I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING THAT WAS OFFICIALLY RELEASED IN CANON OR IN THE CONTEXT OF THE GAME!!!! I SHIP CURLYA AS A PURELY FANON CONCEPT⚠️
Like idk if this is media literacy or brain rot at this point but that’s my rant thanks for reading :D
#my art#lil art#mouthwashing#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing fanart#mouthwashing game#anya#acrylic#mouthwashing au#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#headcanon#fanon#happy ending au#fix it fic#idk it’s not really fixing just an alternate route#I live in the tiny sandbox of my imagination#thanks for reading my rant sesh#curlya#curly x anya#curlanya#before you attack me read the rant#or at least the tldr#cause it’s still ship art but like in MY context#idk if yall like this au ill make art for it#or I’ll make it anyway idk I’m havin fun#controversial#maybe idk what yall think of this#Mouthwashing happy ending AU
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Not over Cait threatening to throw some guy in prison in front of her gf who was wrongfully imprisoned and tortured for a decade
#arcane#i see people discussing and debating caits terrible actions but i havent seen anyone talk about this???#girl you know the prison system is fucked they beat the shit out of your girlfriend#in season one you could excuse her for being privileged and sheltered from the reality of the world#but girl you saw what happens to prisoners you saw it#she knows what shes doing is horrific and shes doing it anyway#arcane vi#arcane caitlyn#caitvi
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It's obviously a diabolically infantilizing move by Lumon to make all the innies' manager a child but do we think it's also some sort of dig at Milchick? His computer's home screen still says 'Cobel' AND he has a child as his second in command and there's a moment near the end of the first episode where he seems to be terse with her, ordering her out of the room and closing the door when she tries to talk to him.
#boss baby (horrific implications)#guys.....we gotta save Ms Huang I fear#we've gotta get her out of here where are her PARENTS is she there from NINE TO FIVE does she have SCHOOL????#'mr milkshake' guy is so right WHY are you a child???#I wonder how many innies know what a child is#'this small adult is really scary'#severance#the actress playing ms huang is killing it she's SO intimidating despite being a kid#'haha that's so nice Mark~!! But I'm not your friend.'#you are so scary but you are still a child and so I hope you are OK and SAFE Ms Huang!!!!!!#If Lumon is doing some weird thing.....hm....#WELL there's still the mystery of how Mark's apparently dead wife was seemingly alive and working for Lumon#What if Ms Huang is in a similar situation? Do her parents know where she is??#Anyway Cobel had (if I remember right) like 3 adult goons working for her and Milchick has one baby#Cobel also didn't interact with the innies as much as Milchick is (though he's ostensibly taken up her position) which makes it seem#like he's short staffed
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as someone who’s never liked timsteph i find it so funny that i just accidentally talked myself into a revrob au of them. revrob au where war games happens, steph (~15) gets captured & tortured, except this time tim (~16) comes in to try & help but due to [unforeseen circumstances] no one comes as backup, and they’re both tortured, leading to steph’s red hood era via being resurrected somehow by arthur brown and tim’s oracle era brought on via complications due to torture.
tim’s the one person steph won’t target, and steph’s the one person tim can’t really get angry with about killing, because they get it.
#THE ONLY EXCEPTION💥💥💥 except it’s like a kinda horrifically toxic relationship#steph is pissed that tim survived & is still condescending to her via his ‘as long as u don’t target the kids i won’t interfere’ shit#and tim wishes he died instead because now literally everyone knows abt him bc he was publicly kidnapped & recovered#tim was with steph as she died and she’s very grateful for that. tim is annoyed bc she didn’t have to deal w the aftermath like he did#like they have the worlds most unhealthy relationship but also it works bc their care outweighs their hatred#& then u also get fun convos where tim can’t stand damian/b/duke saying that what steph is doing is wrong bc *they weren’t there*#tim drake#batfam#dc#stephanie brown#anyway. i have never shipped timsteph. i dont know where the brainrot came from. i’m having fun here tho#reverse robins#tim becomes a biomedical / doctor esque thing and works in r&d at drake industries 👍#he’s the one steph goes to when she’s hurt. he can’t talk anymore & he trusts that she’ll always listen to him even when she doesn’t want to#anyways. what happened here.#(tim ends up having to kill black mask to escape bc he was held there even after steph died. bc he had info she didn’t.)#(it’d be hypocritical if he got angry at her killing ppl who did bad things.)#i know tim & damian are on good-ish terms when they’re adults but that tim still is fine w steph hunting damian /b/duke#bc ‘he got his chance to chew them out. now it’s her turn.’ i have no clue about literally anyone else yet tho#thoughts
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saw someone say they're we're happy Alicent's and Otto's deaths forced them "realize what they had done" and like...
Otto's one thing, I get the animosity. but Alicent? your getting hot and bothered over her realizing she failed, she failed to save her children, she failed to protect them, to them alive? that she tried so hard, so fucking hard, making every hard decision, trying to get between her children and the fate they were damned to by Viserys and Rhaenyra? that she damned her kids, who were already damned to die to begin with, and had to suffer the guilt of them dying to her own hand? that she's going to drive herself mad with grief over her children, her grandchildren?
like... it's not satisfying (especially for show Alicent) watching a woman go so mad with grief it literally kills her because she fought with everything she had to save her children only for them to die anyway. ever since her father's exile, when Rhaenyra's lies took Viserys's favor, when Viserys ignored the Rhaenyra's sons bastardhood at the risk of the whole house, or when Luke took Aemond's eye and Viserys demanded good will; she knew her children's lives were forfeit. then Daemon killed Vaemond and her children's coffins were built, catching cobweb's all the while. she knew and she fought it desperately, taking risk after risk, living in fear until her moment came, she could out Aegon on the thrown, she could protect her kids, maybe, just fucking maybe they'd be safe... only for it to lead to a war that would kill her entire family.
her death, slow and tragic as it was, is heartbreaking. she didn't deserve it, she deserved to feel safe, to feel as though she could allow her past friend take the thrown without her children being at risk to feel as though she and her children weren't being circled by wolves and picked at by vulture's. she didn't deserve to live alone and die alone. she didn't deserve to have her hands coated in her children's blood.
#the fact that her (amongst many other greens deaths) get so many TB fans dicks hard is actually nauseating#like do you not realize how fucking awful her death is going to be?#like I cant imagine her pain#imagine risking it all after years of literal torture by her own families hand#her father manipulation. Viserys's abuse snd neglect. Rhaenyra's betrayal.#to save her kids#knowing they were damned#thst they would die if she didnt try#and than they died horrifically anyway#despite her efforts to save them#to be a good mother#to not fail them???#and this isnt to blame her if that isnt clear#its just such a fucked up situation she was in#they were going to die regardless (in my opinion the war was going to happen no matter what they did and it would have claimed their lives)#but in trying to save them it felt like it was her fault#if you get what i mean#which makes her descent into madness so sickeningly horrific#alicent hightower#alicent my beloved#pro team green#pro alicent hightower#hotd#house of the dragon
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it’s 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man there’s just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes it’s throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so there’s a lot i’m coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said ‘mmmmmm now i have u in my grip’#whatever it’s fine he’s stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesn’t miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence it’s wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this you’re one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says don’t date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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extremely frustrating situation
#overly long winded explanation incoming#so i’m gonna be living with two friends starting this fall#my parents bought a little townhouse and we’re renting from them#so they’re getting all of the paperwork and contracts and leases figured out#and these two friends are just. awful with deadlines. horrific. just the worst.#my dad has been flexible but he’s had to keep nagging them again and again to get these forms signed and whatever#and one of them finally finished the whole process and she’s good to go#but the other one still just needs to get the lease signed/notarized with their dad. like. asap. like within a few days.#and i’m trying my best to be like heyyyy sorryyyy not trying to nag or anything but we do need that ASAP…. it should be quick and easy…#i know you’re working double shifts every single day and your dog just died im so sorry#but my parents say you should be able to just go to the bank during a lunch break to get it notarized…..#please don’t be mad at me or my parents for saying we need this Now…… i’m sorry i know you have a lot going on but we do Need that done#right away….#anyway i don’t want you to be mad at me or think i’m just nagging so here’s a topic change! oh you didn’t respond to the topic change.#fuck me then. god. i can’t tell if you’re mad at me or not but i have the suspicion you Are. and that’s making Me mad at You#like god man just come the fuck on already you’ve missed every other deadline up to this point too. can you please just FUCKING get#everything submitted so we can stop worrying about it and just get excited to live together!! because it’s gonna be fun!!#but it’s worrying me too bc like… if this is how they’re acting before we’re even living together#and they’re missing all of these deadlines#am i gonna have to nag them to pay their rent every month?#it’s just frustrating bc it feels like they’re taking advantage of the fact that it’s my parents and not some other landlord#so they don’t think the deadlines my parents set are like. actual deadlines#meanwhile if it WASNT my parents they’d literally be out of a place to live because the housing market is so fucked there#and if you don’t get everything submitted within The Day then you’re no longer a candidate to rent the place#if you can even get to that point in the first place#so like. my parents are being exceptionally flexible and obv i can’t really know what this friend’s thought process is#but it feels like they’re just kinda taking them for granted and taking advantage of their kindness#like fuck dude just please come on
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{Hero Archetypes: The More... something version}
The Fallen Hero You are the Fallen Hero, a tragic embodiment of betrayal, vengeance, or perhaps a heart-wrenching love story turned awry. Whether exposed to corrupting influences, manipulated by deal-makers, brainwashed, extorted, blackmailed, or witnessing the destruction of sacred bonds, your descent into darkness is marked by profound sorrow and loss. You might have turned for the sake of greed. Yet within, a lingering spark of hope remains, compelling you to reluctantly extend assistance to the newcomers. Motivated by the sincere desire to shield them from the same tragic fate you endured, you find yourself driven to guide and protect, despite the shadows of your own past.
tagged by: @tarnishedxknight tagging: anyone!!
#quiz#((*taps fingers together* I have;;; thoughts on this#so this isn't. quite accurate for Gylfie as she does have morals and does act for what is good#which is going against Vayne and fighting for all of Ivalice instead of continuing to blindly go with Archadia's expansion#because she knows Vayne will destroy Ivalice in his constant need for power and Archadia will devour herself before she's full#so Gylfie never fell in the sense of turning on what is right and following Vayne without question#or continuing to believe that it was the destiny of the Empire to conquer all#with that all said - I can see her having a corruption arc and I think that'd be fun to explore heh#but also this is accurate with how Gylfie sees *herself*#I really should write a post about this at some point lol#but Gylfie doesn't believe herself to be a good person whatsoever. She used to believe Archadia was the best of the best for *years*#and felt it appropriate for the Empire she loved so much to continue her expansion and that Rozarria was 100% the enemy#and... never thought twice about the smaller kingdoms caught in the warpath#her mother's criticism of Archadia slowly began to chip at that but she wasn't disillusioned until Nabudis because *that*#was something she absolutely couldn't get behind no matter how she felt about the Empire. it was a horrific and brutal act that greatly#disturbed her and really snapped her out of it#also Ffamran leaving did make her start to question things a bit but not quite enough#anyway my point is: Gylfie doesn't believe herself to be a good person. she believes herself to be a *product* of war#to be too much like her father to be a good person#and that she's done so much harm that there is no room for her to be good#with that said she doesn't necessarily see herself as a horrible person but. definitely not a good one#and ABSOLUTELY doesn't see herself as *any* kind of hero - she'd honestly just laugh if someone called her one#but she had been brainwashed essentially and she had witnessed destruction of sacred bonds#and she has acted selfishly and she has done horrible things in the name of the Empire#but she also tries so hard to do *right* despite it all. she *wants* Archadia to be better#she *wants* Ivalice to remain whole and she does what she can to see Vayne defeated and Archadia changed for the better#her goal of becoming Judge Magister changes from her believing it was her birthright to her wanting to be one to make sure Archadia#stays on track and continues to do better under Larsa's rule because she knows he'll make the Empire *better*#and she's willing to do whatever she can to protect him and protect Archadia's future#but with that she may have to do things that wouldn't necessarily be considered *good*
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I think over covid my m*ther was using the situation to make me not hate her for being a kinda terrible person but I'm having realisations because currently I don't have the threat of my grandmother hanging over my head. how fucked up is it that she refused to let me pursue university on my own terms
#I wasn't allowed to consider music I wasn't allowed to go to another city because I would have to live in a dorm alone#I originally intended to attempt to go to a foreign uni just so I had a chance to escape and on the night where they had all the uni info#there was a booth with info on how to get into a yank college and I took the leaflet because it was a foreign uni#and when my m*ther saw it she screamed her head off at me. that's not right!!!#after I realised I couldn't do that because I wasn't capable of doing all I needed to on my own#I was trying to delay it by maybe six months so I could get my shit together by pointing out I NEEDED a break from education#like I'd gone through a horrific grade twelve and ok we all know what my experience with education is at this point#I was not ready to attend uni! I needed time away from educational settings but was I allowed to do that? no!#actually I wanted to take a gap year anyway since like. 2016. just to decide what I wanted to do#guess what I got in response to that? 'you aren't taking a gap year because you can't get a job'#because apparently the only reason you take a gap year is to work.#it wasn't even a financial thing but even if it was that maybe should've been explained#so I got shoved. into a degree I did not want. I'm completing it but at this fucking point man#I can't cope with it?
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okay abt to sleep but consider: AU where cassidy survives but only because her brother is killed instead and she is the most vengeful, angry 13-year-old ( or older, if it's years later ) who will do anything to find out and literally actually kill william herself—
#☽—— ⸢ ooc ⸥#☽—— ⸢ wishlist ⸥#f n a f /#murder mention tw#child death mention tw#'why wouldn't she find proof and report him' because she doesn't trust the world and DEF not the law#but also because she wants to kill him and you know what good for her#anyway this is prob the singular circumstance where i'd do an au where she lived#i think her dynamic with any william would be CRAZY if she started to suspect him#esp because i HC she went to the diner a LOT as a kid ( esp w/ her brother ) in any verse#because it was an escape from home life#and i'm not opposed to her ( in any verse again ) having had a decent relationship with william#because you know the manipulative bastard targets victims who need / want something or who have shitty lives#PS /heavily/ implies that with fruit m.aze and midn.ight motorist#tbh she's the definition of sb who needs any adult whatsoever to give a shit abt her#i think the idea that she finally sorta trusts him & obv he horrifically betrays that trust works well even in canon verse#on an unrelated note i think her and mike could've been friends or at least friendly given that i write cass as a bit older#than the other victims. i think she would see his whole 'demonized by the community thing' & Get It#because they don't generally like her much either. she's rebellious kinda has an attitude very androgynous in the 80s etc
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i wrote my funt.ime foxy one time which means i now have brainrot abt how early on foxy absolutely has this mindset of like. that's my dad! my creator! i love him! and because there's a certain sentimentality involved in the fact that these are his creations and his alone, william isn't even like. opposed to that. like, william interacting with the classic animatronics and treating them as Just Robots even when they show signs of sentience due to possession/agony/remnant VS him very much interacting with the funt.imes as semi-sentient beings. and then there's foxy (and potentially the others) who isn't initially aware of what his purpose is, who is excited to entertain and show off and prove himself! and then has to come to grips with something extremely horrific that is fully out of her control and quite literally consumes her very nature.
these are the reasons i'm always talking abt beating my william to death on the multi
#—— ✧ ooc »#.tbd.#(for anyone not following the multi (you should fkdhsal come write with my fn.af bbies) my foxy uses he/she pronouns)#associates my other fn.af muses with my william and then gets mad that he's Like That lmao#btw his treatment of the funt.imes extends to how he treats the glamr.ocks in his SB verse#esp if he made them himself#anyway i know that baby's claim of not knowing what she was doing/purely following programming could've been a lie#but i think it's horrifically worse if it's not#and for my foxy it's def true. imagine only caring about being an entertainer and then your own code and body betrays that#in the most horrific way imaginable because it's what your creator wanted and now there's blood on YOUR hands#hehe me looking back over this post and realizing i'm accidentally making funt.ime foxy - mike correlations again WHOOPS BYE#something something the robot your father made for you also has pseudo-father trauma & massive guilt that's not his own#i want to clarify i didn't intend that but now that i've realized it will be FULLY intentional <3#the way i debated which blog to post this on because it really is half abt foxy and half abt william
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#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
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i'm getting tired of realizing that xyz situation was traumatic.
#goddamn trauma onion over here.#keep peeling back different layers. finding more#it's annoyinggg ugh#i'm realizing recently i have a lot more trauma due to the horror of being autistic and not knowing it.#just. different horrific situations that i was in where i had no idea the people around me had negative feelings towards me only to have it-#-all come crashing down— from my perspective— for no reason at all.#anyways my high school gf's best friend's family banned me from their home because they all thought i was like.#a ticking time bomb about to kill them all or something. and i had no clue?? i thought like.#that we were all friends. i thought they liked me.#and that hurt obviously.#but what really hurts is that my gf continued to go there. like. she would have me drop her off still.#and i wasn't allowed to even get out of my car.#like. despite how they demonized me she still spent time with them. had me DRIVE HER to them.#it kinda fucked me up i'm realizing.#she cheated on me with him lol. go figure#they're still together! afaik#i don't harbor any negative feelings towards her we were seventeen y'know. stupid kids.#i don't think she could've realized how much that fucked with my head.#i hope they've both grown.#i do hold something of a grudge towards him still admittedly. he kind of bullied me in school.#and that's a whole other thing y'know. intentionally cruelty and all that.#bite.txt#—peter
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a source of angst, drama, and character study that ime is sorely underexplored is haru's willingness to forgive her Objectively Horrific father but not akechi. I have takes on it.
#☢️.txt#the overall take is 'trauma is complicated and sometimes its just like this'#but i do think the longer haru is removed from being an abused teenager the more she realizes#oh. that was actually that bad. it was even more horrific than i processed at the time.#i also think she gets a better understanding of just how exploitative and awful her father's business practices were#as she becomes more involved with the business herself + starts founding her own cafes#to be clear i dont think she forgives akechi or necessarily *should* so much as i think its interesting#i also just want her to have to confront the idea that a lot of people are glad her father died. and its for reasons#that are just as legitimate as the reasons she was devastated. because of the Complexity there#smth smth the haru vs akechi vs yusuke approach to having an awful father#haru's desperation to restore a dad she lost. akechi wanting to destroy shido at all costs while craving shreds of 'affection'.#yusuke going from blind rage at madarame to quietly believing that he did love him. it wasnt all a lie.#akechi finds both of their views very upsetting! because he's physically incapable of not taking things personally.#but part of it is also that. they have *some* reason to believe those things. their dads sucked and akechi does think they deserved to die!#but apparently okumura was a decent father once upon a time. apparently madarame wasnt always terrible.#akechi doesnt have that because he knows damn well theres nothing in shido's words. everyone knows what shido thought of akechi.#anyways. some day maybe ill write this!#roz hcs
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