#and she has acted selfishly and she has done horrible things in the name of the Empire

[disillusionedjudge]

{Hero Archetypes: The More... something version}

The Fallen Hero You are the Fallen Hero, a tragic embodiment of betrayal, vengeance, or perhaps a heart-wrenching love story turned awry. Whether exposed to corrupting influences, manipulated by deal-makers, brainwashed, extorted, blackmailed, or witnessing the destruction of sacred bonds, your descent into darkness is marked by profound sorrow and loss. You might have turned for the sake of greed. Yet within, a lingering spark of hope remains, compelling you to reluctantly extend assistance to the newcomers. Motivated by the sincere desire to shield them from the same tragic fate you endured, you find yourself driven to guide and protect, despite the shadows of your own past.

tagged by: @tarnishedxknight tagging: anyone!!

[smolstarthief]

Persona 5/Persona 5 Strikers: Pro-Police or Anti-Police?

Hoo boy... So this honestly has been a LONG time coming on my end because I have seen so much of that debate on social media (Twitter namely) and I can see the points of BOTH sides but there have been moments where it just got out of hand... Especially whenever people tried to put in a more grey/nuanced take only to be slammed and taken out of context. Even repeatedly mentioning the interrogation at the beginning of P5 which, I will admit has gotten tiresome. At least for me, I do still feel for Joker and I wished the game acknowledged his trauma more but there's a thing called, "beating a dead horse" and this is one along with "Haru says ACAB" in Strikers (which was done THREE TIMES in the same arc and it got annoying fast, like shut up already! We get it!). So, let's dive in a little bit:

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!!!

Persona 5/Persona 5 Royal

Now let me just say I know! Police in Japan are just as bad if not worse than the West and I STILL hate the idea of Makoto wanting to become a cop for such naive reasons (especially with what happened to Sae, her own sister!)... But there are at least some of form of nuances sometimes and by that I mean, I can see what they were trying to do? I do agree that P5/P5S backpedaled SEVERELY by deciding to sweep issues under the rug after addressing them and not continuing from such. In fact I feel like it could have been a hell of a lot better. But P5 did something different compared to previous games and addresses the issues DIRECTLY right at the beginning of said game! It was tense and horrifying, but needed. Of course... They then sweep it under the rug and act like nothing traumatic happened to our protag which is NOT a good look at all and I'm still pissed off about it. In the main game's case, it's portrayed as more black and white with only a SMALL amount of nuance like that cop that was trying to help Futaba when she went out by herself and got lost (which people ignore entirely by the way). So I CAN see where people got the "anti-police" message from... But that's only the tip of the iceberg as it's ACTUALLY more about Systematic Corruption, not exactly or JUST police corruption. Namely in politics with Shido and the Conspiracy (which is apparently still somewhat around in Strikers until Owada's downfall) controlling everything all the way to law enforcement. The force had been basically under his payroll (including the corrupt SIU Director before his death) whether by force or not (mostly not in this case though). Now honestly, the police depicted there are undoubtedly rotten to the core save for a VERY SMALL handful (the cop that was trying to help Futaba which, again, gets ignored by several). Look at the interrogators who ruthlessly beat and drug a minor without any second thought or remorse for example. But again, the black and white narrative the game kept unwittingly doing ended up being to its detriment in a way. I'm not defending those assholes AT ALL! They deserved every punishment given to them! But for a game that goes on about grey morality... It doesn't quite deliver on that. Still though, it does emphasize that it's more of the fault of the whole corrupt system, not just one part of it. There needs to be change and reform which is what our MCs were trying to do in a way (more like inspiring change but still). In the end, it's all about the following:

Corruption and abuse of power.

Again the police depicted in this game were incompetent at best, corrupt at worse with very few silver linings. But it's not just them but rather the one person responsible for the whole mess. Who had them under his payroll? Who controlled them and by extension all of Tokyo? Who was willing to dispose of anyone who "outlives their usefulness" or is perceived as a threat to what he wants (including his own family)?

SHIDO AND BY EXTENSION THE CONSPIRACY

Bottom line: They are definitely a problem but it's not just them.

"But, Joker and his trauma?"

I definitely understand that and still do. I fully believe he has and still has trauma with the police. Easy! But... I do feel like people go too far with it sometimes. It's hard to explain but there have been moments where people either use it as a justification/argument against someone trying to provide a more nuanced view of things or... Dare I say, depict him like a "uwu soft traumatized boi." Like I said, it's hard to explain on my end so feel free to ignore it. Everyone deals with trauma differently so there is STRONG chance that I'm overanalyzing it. I just remember moments where I just feel a little, I guess annoyed? I'm not sure exactly but final thing: I understand what he went through and I can't imagine how long it would take to recover but I hope he DOES overcome it.

"Sae? Akechi?"

Yep, even though their jobs are different, they are by and large members of law enforcement no matter how you spin it. Both were broken in a way. Akechi is pretty easy to explain with how Shido negatively impacted his life but not much about Sae, who dealt with sexism/misogyny at her workplace along with the trauma of her father's (also a cop) death. She no doubt had some idealism only to be hit with the fact that she's gonna have to use underhanded/downright illegal tactics to get by and even rise up the ranks. She, therefore ended up (well, nearly) corrupted herself before coming to her senses. That's honestly one of the BIGGEST REASONS why I felt like Makoto joining the force to become a police commissioner isn't a good, even a downright naïve, idea. I honestly would have been somewhat fine with it if it weren't for that fact among other things. Regardless of her willpower, it will go south fast.

Now... Onto Strikers!

Persona 5 Strikers

Since the game came out and I started playing it, I still feel like the system is still beyond saving, especially when attempting to do it from the inside. But I don't mind the added nuances that P5 didn't do much of. It's still continuing the critiques, just shows more of what does happen within said system and even has an ACTUAL officer (Zenkichi) say, "Yeah, my job sucks, everyone's corrupt, there are much better ways to do things and make a change but not this. I'm only staying because I have a daughter to take care of and it's all I know. I'm no different from them." Was it all handled well? I wouldn't say "yes" (Joker's trauma is BARELY addressed at all of course) but a little better than what P5's narrative did which only addressed the issues but not exactly follow up on them. Now to be fair... In the system, regardless of where you live, any one within it who remotely tries to do something or speak against it either lose their jobs or even go "missing" irl. Those have happened and it's more proof that yeah, it's rotten to the core. There's no denying it but regardless, that's NOT what the game is about at all. At least that's what I feel about it as it's only PART of the narrative. I think Zenkichi puts it best here:

Speaking of Zenkichi... Oh boy... Now I definitely understand some of the criticisms with him but honestly, he was the best written (PT) character I've ever encountered! He was honestly the perfect representation of those that genuinely want to help and do good, only to be held back by an extremely harsh reality. It was already hinted at with Sae but here? It 100 percent confirms just how harsh and even cutthroat it can be if it could break someone's idealism so badly. Even Kaburagi of all people thinks the same thing Zenkichi said:

Then there's his past and it's a tragic one! But let's look more at the decisions he ended up making:

While it was no doubt done to protect his daughter, he ended making a selfish decision along with a selfless one (which was brilliant!) with not only allowing the cover up of his wife's death and denying justice for her, but also ruining an innocent person and their family's lives.

It's horrible, but also... There's a grey area/nuance as with the rest of his character. It was both understandable, but also wrong as he, as Akane's Shadow puts it:

He sacrificed his values, his morals, all for the sake of having a peace of mind. Speaking of Akane, she's also an interesting case in a way that she more or less perfectly represents the more "black and white" views on justice in general. Namely the more toxic/biased kind. Her reasons are also understandable but she was also acting selfishly by only focusing on how SHE was effected by Aoi's death and not even considering those that were also grieving her death and/or that people grieve/handle grief differently than her. But back on topic.

Her own views and beliefs that law enforcement basically SHOULD be dismantled (mostly out of said childish bias and black & white views) and it's framed as WRONG and it's very much correct on that. Chaos and order are two sides of the same coin, one can't exist without the other. When I say ACAB, I'm calling for reform, defund, have the corrupt held accountable for EVERYTHING and even face jail time for their crimes! Defund the police, have the ones that arrest, harm, and even murder out of bias (race, gender, etc.), lose their badges/jobs and locked up, make improvements! It's saying that there IS still corruption out there and there's no denying it. But fully eliminating the law in general will just lead to more problems. Now granted, she's young and clearly doesn't fully understand why those views are ultimately wrong but still... It was a very interesting subject to tackle and I feel like they handled it well.

Now back to Zenkichi, he was at first in denial about his decisions ultimately being the wrong ones too and even tries to justify it. Of course, his Shadow said otherwise and that was when he finally admitted that he really did act no different from the criminals he despised. But it also doesn't mean he can't redeem himself and that's what ultimately leads to his new resolve:

That right there along with everything else! There's the nuance! And ultimately despite some hiccups, Strikers handled the grey morality and nuance beautifully! Especially regarding law enforcement! Dare I say, even better than the base game! It continues the critiques with no problem but also showing different sides and areas of it! There is good and evil, but what about in-between? What about the more greyer area? It still says that there IS corruption, sometimes even beyond saving but... Sometimes a small silver lining is hidden somewhere.

Now, the ultimate question:

Is P5 & P5S (namely the latter) Pro-Police or Anti-Police?

Personally, my answer is this: Neither.

Why? What theme do they both have in common?

JUSTICE

Someone puts it best on Twitter that the games are more pro-justice and I fully agree!

P5/P5S gives the idea about following your OWN justice, your OWN moral code and rules, paving your OWN path and not let others dictate it! That's what the MCs ultimately start to learn in both games. Therefore it's pro-justice. Again, do I agree that the system is beyond saving? Yeah. Do I at least acknowledge and understand what the narratives are trying to say and nuances regardless even if I don't agree with some writing decisions (ex: Makoto wanting to become a commissioner despite everything)? Also yes. But at the same time, don't judge a book by its cover for other people (not just law enforcement and politics mind you). Especially some that genuinely DO want to help at best. That there is nuance and greyness, just have to look closely. Some of the MCs are still TERRIBLY written and executed (even annoying) but the message was still somewhat there.

Final Thoughts

Now I fully understand how you all feel of course! I still believe in ACAB and even I agree that maybe I'm one to talk and have a lot more to learn about the world... This is just my own attempt at putting my own two cents in. If you disagree, that's fine! This is just what I've felt should be at least talked about more often. And I tried to phrase it as best as I can without coming off as insensitive or ignorant and if I did, I sincerely apologize for that! I'm not trying to say, come off as a "bootlicker" or any of the sort. I'm just trying show discuss more of the grey areas and nuances that are, more often than not, constantly overlooked. How one interprets both games is ultimately up to them. You, the player. And this is my own interpretation. Simple as that. I hope you all have a good day/afternoon/evening!

[penandpaperfic]

Keyleth never means to say goodbye. it just...happens. until it doesn’t

Scanlan knows a shifty figure when he sees one, okay

so he knows something’s up when he walks down the street and sees someone duck a little too quickly back into the shop they just left. he tilts his head and, never one to miss a good story, walks in after them

except it’s Keyleth who he finds staring all too intently at the row of boots near the door. and she’s just a little too surprised to see him.

and also she’s a terrible liar.

Scanlan tells her this

so she sighs and shows him what she bought: a cloak for traveling and rations they don’t need and a map of Tal’Dorei and--

“But Grog already has our map,” Scanlan points out, “Why not just ask to borrow that one?”

Keyleth doesn’t answer

she doesn’t look embarrassed to have been caught anymore, but she’s definitely still hiding something. and she’s not good at it, but Scanlan suddenly realizes she might be better than he thought.

“Keyleth?”

“I’m...leaving.”

because she has to find the Water Ashari. because she has a duty to her people. because she’s supposed to become a better person, a better leader, and this just...isn’t the way anymore.

and it shocks him, and he can’t say he understands

(personally, he’s having the time of his life)

but then again, he knows he and Keyleth are different people, in more than just this way

“Scanlan?”

“yeah?”

“you won’t tell anyone, will you? I’m trying not to make a scene, I don’t think I could--”

“what, you’re going to just leave?”

the embarrassment comes back. but then, Scanlan knows all about avoiding goodbyes.

he promises not to tell.

-

Grog is sitting in the kitchen when she comes in

and she’s just grabbing a couple of things that will last a while, which is weird because he always has that kind of stuff in his bag for when they travel

and they’re not traveling, so why is she stocking up on it anyway?

but he doesn’t bother asking because there’s a lot about Keyleth he doesn’t really understand, and that’s okay

but when she pulls down a bottle of ale he starts to feel a little left out

“having a party without me?”

she almost jumps, as if she’d forgotten he was there

“just...one for the road, I guess.”

“what road?”

“nevermind, Grog.”

and he shrugs because, well, okay. nevermind then.

but there’s something off about her. she looks sad.

maybe it’s the whole thing with Vax

or maybe Vex snapped at her again--that always seems to make Keyleth sad.

he doesn’t really know and he doesn’t think he can make it better.

but he does know how to do one thing

“well, if you’re going to drink, you might as well have the good stuff, right?”

and he pats the chair next to him and pulls a mug and an empty bottle from his bag.

she sits, and he pours from his own cask. he pushes the mug at her.

“for now,” he says.

then he takes the bottle and fills it--a bit sloppily, but to the brim--seals it, and sets it down solidly on the table in front of her. “and for the road.”

he doesn’t know why she’s close to tears when she says, “thank you, Grog.”

but she’s smiling, too, and he thinks that she means it

-

Pike is in the garden first, because that’s where her shrine to Sarenrae is

she supposes, later, that Keyleth came to say goodbye to the garden, to see the flowers and the oak tree and the way the light shines on it all one last time

and Trinket’s out there, too, napping in the bright winter sun, but he wakes when Keyleth walks by

that’s how Pike hears her, actually. she turns from her altar and sees Trinket trailing after Keyleth, sees Keyleth kneel beside him and hug him a little too fiercely

Pike is not sneaky, though she thinks maybe now she should try to be

but Keyleth hears her as she tries and fails to creep out of the garden unnoticed

“I’m sorry,” Pike says immediately, “you clearly want to be alone--”

“no, no, you were here first.”

but Keyleth looks so distraught, as if in mourning, and for a moment Pike fears something horrible has happened

“are you okay? are the others--?”

“I’m fine, everything’s fine.”

but her voice catches and Pike knows that it’s not, really.

she hurries over and takes Keyleth hands, and that’s how Keyleth just...crumbles into her arms.

“I’m sorry, this is why I wanted to just go, I didn’t want--”

“wait, what do you mean, go?”

and Keyleth pulls back and brushes her sleeve across her face. “I’m...I’m leaving, Pike. I’m going to complete my Aramente on my own.”

“but...without us? why?”

but even as she asks it, Pike thinks she understands.

she looks at Keyleth and sees the way she looked standing alone beneath the Sun Tree, or the way she shrinks when Vax trails after her or Vex brushes roughly past her, and she thinks of the arguments in Whitestone and even back here in Emon

and she thinks of the sea and Vasselheim and she understands, really.

it just hurts.

“Keyleth, I...I can’t tell you what to do. but I also can’t tell you how much we’re going to miss you.”

but Keyleth gives a short, almost disbelieving laugh, and Pike wonders, suddenly, if that’s part of why she’s leaving.

“I’ll miss you,” she says, insistent, and Keyleth wipes at her eyes again but seems a little more like she believes her now. “when do you go?”

Keyleth shrugs. she already knows, Pike thinks, but she’s trying to slip away unnoticed. she wonders who else has already caught her in the act.

but she doesn’t push for answers. she just hugs Keyleth tight and kisses her cheek and tells her she loves her, wishes her luck.

and when Keyleth leaves the garden, Pike goes back to her altar and says a prayer for her.

-

Percy is, as always, in his workshop

“Keyleth?” he asks over the earring. “I’m so sorry, but I need your help again. could you come down here?”

and for a long moment there’s no response.

so long he wonders if she’s still out in town--he could’ve sworn he saw her come back, but--

but then she responds, a mumbling affirmative, and a few minutes later she’s walking through the door

and she holds things steady and heats metal and summons water and--

--and she does it all in silence.

she doesn’t ask questions or make conversation or giggle at his mishaps like she normally would

they work quickly, as they always do when he asks for her help, but by the time they’re done he glances sideways at her and there are tears in her eyes

he sets his tools down and takes her arm to gently turn her toward him. “what’s the matter? are you hurt? did you get burned and I didn’t see it?”

and Keyleth shakes her head and pulls away and glances toward the exit like she’s ready to bolt. and really, that’s all it takes.

after all, it’s a look he recognizes.

“Keyleth?” he says anyway, needing her to say it out loud

“Percy?” her voice is distant, empty.

he aches.

but then he sighs.

“should I ask, or should I let you go easily?”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve just left, but...”

“but I needed you, so you stayed.” he runs a hand through his hair. “is that why you’ve held on this long?”

“I wanted to be here. I wanted to help you. all of you.”

“but we can’t help you.”

“it’s not that.”

Percy gives her a look.

“it’s not! I just...” but she trails off, and whether she’s lying or she just can’t put the words to her thoughts, he doesn’t know.

he takes her by the shoulders and pulls her into a hug.

“I won’t pretend to like it,” he says, tilting his head carefully to avoid her hair, “but I do admire you for it, at least a little. you’re braver than I am.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“well I would, and I do. if I had half your sense of responsibility, I’d still be helping my sister rebuild our home.”

“you are helping her,” she says, holding him tighter. “there is so much you can do from here.”

“and yet you’re leaving.”

she pulls back. “my people are--”

“I know.” he already regrets the words. “I understand. I do.”

“I know you do.”

they look at each other, already missing each other

until Percy says, “we’ll meet again someday.”

“do you really believe that?”

“yes. because if we don’t, I’ll hunt you down until we do.”

and she smiles, shakily, through tears, but a smile nonetheless.

he hugs her again, selfishly putting off letting go, just for one more moment.

-

Vax can’t sleep

so he dares--for some reason, he dares--to go to Keyleth’s room

but no one answers

he thinks about going to Vex instead

there’s so much to talk about there, so much to apologize and demand apologies for

but going to Vex doesn’t feel right, at least not now, so he goes downstairs instead

and there are quiet voices at the door when there really shouldn’t be, so he creeps closer

but it’s only Keyleth--shrouded in a cloak and speaking so softly he can’t make out the words.

Jarett is there as well, grasping her hand in both of his. he nods firmly, clasps her shoulder, lets her draw him into a hug

and then she’s slipping out the door

Vax rushes to follow

he catches her in the courtyard, calling out her name in a voice so hoarse he hardly recognizes it as his own

she stops, breathes a moment, then turns around

“what--what are you--”

but he knows. he knew the moment he saw her

(maybe he knew before, as she avoided everyone and grew quiet and kept to herself from the moment they returned from Whitestone)

“I’m sorry, Vax,” she says, and it hurts how much she means it. “I don’t think either of us are good at goodbyes.”

“was it something I--?”

she shakes her head before he can even finish asking. “no, no, I promise. I told you I don’t feel the same, but you’ve never been anything but... I--I just...”

and he walks toward her, and he feels the world spread thin and disappear around him until there’s nothing, he’s just floating through nothing--an empty, meaningless space without Keyleth there beside him

“I’ll take it back. I’ll never speak of my feelings again, I’ll--”

“Vax.”

it’s almost angry, except it’s not.

but it is enough to bring him back, put him solidly on the ground before her.

she reaches out and takes his hand. “it’s not you. and it’s not just Vox Machina. I have responsibilities. I have a journey to complete.”

“we can help you.”

“but you’re not.” it comes out broken, nothing more than a breath, and he can’t tell if that makes it hurt more or not. “you’re not. not anymore. and it’s not your fault, and it’s not mine. we’re just...”

“on separate paths.”

there are tears in her eyes.

“have you told any of the others?”

“I hadn’t planned on it, they all just...found out. everyone but...”

she doesn’t finish her sentence. something in the way her voice trembles and the tears finally spill from her eyes tells him she can’t.

he decides not to ask.

“I’m so sorry,” he says instead.

“don’t be. please, don’t be. I never would’ve gotten this far without you.”

that’s when he realizes he’s crying, too.

he takes her other hand and steps closer--not demanding anything, just holding onto her as he says, ‘if you ever, ever need anything, you find us. you reach out to us, and we’ll be there, okay? I swear it.”

“I know, Vax. I know.”

“I love you. and I don’t mean--”

“I love you, too.”

and he nods, and he kisses her knuckles, and she turns her hand to cup his cheek

but then she lets go, and he lets her go

and he stands there in the dark as she walks away

and for the first time, it’s Vax who stands and watches someone else disappear into shadows, going further than he can follow

-

Vex wakes up in the morning to an empty room

which is odd, because Trinket has slept beside her bed every night since they first moved into the keep

the light is soft enough that she thinks it might not even be dawn yet

but she’s too alert already to even think about going back to sleep. she dresses quickly, trying to shake out her sudden nerves, and leaves her room without even bothering to rebraid her hair

and with every step she takes down the hall, the feeling that something is horribly, awfully wrong just grows

there is no one in the stairwell, no one in the foyer, no one in the dining hall

Laina is in the kitchen, sleepily putting a kettle on and mumbling a quiet, “good morning, madam,” when she sees Vex

she decides to look for Trinket, because maybe he’ll quell this strange feeling she has, as if she’s on the hunt for something she doesn’t yet know about

he’s easy enough to find, sleeping in the garden, curled at the base of the oak tree Keyleth planted months ago

he raises his head as she approaches--

--and his eyes are so dark and so sad that she loses her breath when she sees him

“what is it, buddy?” she asks, running to his side. Trinket huffs, warm and heavy, and nudges his head into her until she can hold him. “Trinket? what’s wrong?”

a mournful whine is her response

and it’s only then that she realizes how quiet the garden is

there are no birds calling to the dawn from the branches above, no squirrels racing down the tree and through the grass.

but she does hear something stir, and she looks over to see Pike curled up against her altar

“Pike?”

“mmwhat?”

“what are you doing sleeping in the garden, darling?”

Pike yawns wide and rubs her eyes and now that Vex is looking at her she looks just as bad as Trinket, all red eyes and puffy cheeks

“I must’ve fallen asleep praying.”

and Vex thinks, vaguely, of taking her inside and pouring her a cup from the kettle that’s surely whistling by now

but first she has to ask, “can you tell me why Trinket looks like someone died?”

Pike sniffs and swipes at her eyes again

“I imagine he misses Keyleth.”

...

“what?”

and Pike blinks at her, much more awake now. “she--oh.”

“what?”

“I didn’t--”

“what do you mean, misses...”

Vex trails off, staring from Pike, who looks horrified, to Trinket, who looks like his heart is breaking.

(or maybe she’s just projecting)

“Vex--”

but Vex takes off

back through the garden doors, back through the entrance hall, up the stairs, down all the way to Keyleth’s room

and she knocks on the door loud enough that the entire keep must wake up and hear her, but she doesn’t care

she knocks until surely someone would have answered by now, so then she barges in--

“Keyleth!”

--into an empty room.

no books on the desk, no staff leaning against the wall, and no Keyleth sitting in the windowsill in the light of the dawn, turning to smile at Vex as she walks in

“Vex!” someone cries from the hall

but she doesn’t care. she doesn’t want them.

she steps into the room and shuts the door firmly behind her.

the bed made neater than Keyleth had ever left it. the wardrobe empty of belts and packs and dresses. the curtains waving in the gentle breeze because Keyleth never, ever shut her window.

Vex makes it two paces in before her knees hit the floor and she sobs

because Keyleth is gone, and this place holds hardly a trace of her

not even a goodbye.

[nulltune]

he's cruel, too cruel, bursting with obscenity as he stomps on the defeated servant tattered and beaten beneath his feet, cursing with fury, cursing with glee, needlessly merciless in his mocking. this is the sort of 'person' she has contracted with, a lingering grudge, a hateful, vengeful ghost, an abandoned name, this assassin. still, the switch from brutality to boredom is sudden when the body fade. he turns with his eyes still lightless. empty. 'are we done here? i won, so let's go already.'

           ❝      that's enough,    assassin.      ❞        this is not the first time she's called out to him    (   and nor will it be the last   )   but is her voice even reaching him ?    it was a subtle shift in tonality :    shock turning into worry before finally   —‐   a tone not unlike her typical flat neutral,    but it's cold.   and so are her eyes as she stares upon the other's display;    a thing similarly cold,    violent and inhumane.    it makes her sick.        ❝      assassin   ——       ❞      just as her hands reach out to firmly put an end to the other's sadistic joy,    he stops himself.    it's uncanny,    she thinks.    it's horrible,    she thinks,    how he could regard that a horrid act in such a way   —   does he have no regard to the individual he'd so cruelly beaten ?    enemy or not,    such a thing didn't matter at this point;    was that even a point to consider when it came to common decency ?

          her fists are clenched tightly,    fingernails digging into flesh,    it's bound to leave a mark long after.      ❝      what was that for ?      ❞        it's a genuine question,    because she just can't see why he   —   or anyone,    really   —   would ever do such a thing.    cruel,    senseless,    meaningless.    ice is replaced with a seething sort of anger,    a feeling born on behalf of the fallen servant.    this time,    her voice comes off sharper than intended.    it's unintential,    because for all her doubts about the servant she's found herself contracted to,    there's still a part of her hoping she could make it work.    hoping she could come to an understanding with him,    seeing each other eye to eye.    (   but maybe it's a hope that reaches too far   ——   assassin seemed to be insistent on proving her otherwise.    just what was he hoping to achieve ?    what kind of cruel feeling did he get out of this ?    she doesn't understand,    and for a brief moment,    she doesn't want to   )        ❝      we were done ages ago.    we've already won the moment they collapsed.      ❞        it's a factual comment,    but not one said without her emotions seeping in.    there's an irritation to it,    but her feelings come from a place entirely different from assassin's.   

          ❝      i can't ask you to fight honorably like some noble knight  ——       ❞        she is one to value individuality and freedom,    she won't ever ask of someone to hide away their true selves.    hakuno kishinami would do anything to survive,    it's evident in the way she'd so selfishly trampled over lives and wishes so much more valuable than she can ever be.    violence and death isn't a thing so unsual,    survival of the fittest,    a predator hunts a prey for survival.        ❝      ——   but i don't see the wrong in treating your opponent with at least a little bit of respect.       ❞      but this is is different.    this just went too far.    it's astonishing to her how he doesn't seem to think so at all   —   they stand side by side,    but they couldn't be farther apart,    standing on completely opposite ends.    that realization comes like a slow pouring of salt down an open wound.

          hakuno feels sick to her stomach,    but she supposes that's preferrable to the stale apathy the other has.   /   @tenkoseiensei

unprompted,    always accepting !

[silverostro]

EMBERS TASK // LETTERS​

sent and unsent letters to: @othcrhalf, @honimoore, @ncllysnge, @swannscngs, @sinksand, @digitalrcge, @dawnhardn, @blythefm, @hovergrove

we put down in writing what is happening in our minds once it’s on the paper we feel better, we feel better it’s like some kind of clarity when the letter’s done and signed

to robyn, sent before the 74th hunger games 

Robyn,

I know how much you hate the very thought of receiving a letter, yet alone writing a response, but unfortunately you’ve humored me enough that it’s habit to think of you when I sit to write. Old-fashioned, perhaps, but also safer. And there’s something about the act that brings honesty that’s more difficult to offer face to face, or over telecom even, if you’ll forgive a moment of vulnerability.

This letter is out of character, to be completely honest. I apologize that you won’t find the usual ranting and raving about my work, or any of the indifference that I know you adore so much from me. I’m certain you’ll miss it this once, but I promise we’ll be back to normal soon enough. If it helps, you’re welcome to include a few comments speculating on what will surely be another silver monstrosity I’m forced into for this year’s Games. Bacchus is hard at work as we speak, unfortunately.

But I digress.

Something about this year feels different. I know you understand that well, in a way that even I can’t fathom, and wish I had some way to ease. I’ve found myself considering this unease, this restlessness, and it took me far too long to realize what it is, selfishly, in my case.

I’ve never liked celebrating my birthday. The first birthday I still have memories of is my eighteenth; it was only a few days after I woke as a victor, all of my other memories distorted or gone. Ironic, isn’t it? A birthday I had been convinced a week earlier that I wouldn’t live to see, a thought I had made peace with the moment my name was drawn from that bowl, fate sealed, the first I still have memories of now. 

I’ve been wrong more often than I would admit to most anyone else, but just this once I’ll admit it to you, Robyn.

This year’s birthday is...strange. They’re always strange, but they’re easy to overlook. In the wake of victories that are rarely Three’s, it’s easy to slip into the background. But I haven’t been able to stop my thoughts from lingering on how strange it is to be here at all. Forty. Horrifying, isn’t that? I should be pleased. I should be grateful to have lasted so long when I believed I wouldn’t live to see eighteen. And yet, in the quiet moments of the night, when it’s more difficult to fill the blank spaces in my life with work, such simply human needs as sleep making it impossible not to reflect. (Yes, even I need sleep, sometimes.) I can’t help but feel I haven’t done nearly what I should have with all of these unexpected years, though. Does that make sense?

I look around around my workroom, my home, the quiet almost eerie, if I wasn’t so used to it after so many years, and I realize that I’ve spent so much time in my own bruised mind, that I’m a little more than alone. Used to something no one should be used to. A circumstance of my own making. There aren’t many memories left of my parents, but the few I have, I remember the way they told me it was better to keep my head down, keep a distance from the world for my own safety. In the absence of their guidance, anyone’s guidance, I took those words to heart, and I did them well. But I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I wanted this, I thought distance would benefit me, but now? I’m not so certain it does. 

I can only assume that your own birthday is something a little strange now, too. And I’m sorry for that. But I’m glad you’re still here.

All this to say, perhaps when I’m back in the Capitol, we could celebrate. Nothing wild, I’m much too old for that now, but... a drink or two? I think we could both use the distraction.

I’ll only accept your RSVP in writing...

Yours, Silver

to perri, sent shortly after the 66th hunger games

Perri,

A call would probably be easier, I’m well aware, but I can’t shake this paranoia lately, and the very real feeling that the static might crowd my mind and cause me to forget all I have to say, if I don’t put pen to paper. I know you understand.

I’d rather not give anyone a reason to keep a closer eye on me, or Three than they already have.

But it feels strange, not to be alone in victory any longer. 

I should be grateful that for the first time one of the children put in my care against my will survived, but I’ve found it difficult to feel that way. Of course, I’m glad that she survived––I wish desperately she wasn’t the first in my years of mentoring to do so––but from what I’ve seen already of how the Capitol is going to treat her, this outcome feels just as horrible, in an entirely different way. I know I shouldn’t think like that. It’s cruel, and perhaps it’s selfish, too, in a way, because in survival there’s guilt. She didn’t survive because of anything I did; I haven’t made a real effort beyond the bare minimum since my first few years mentoring. I’m certain she realized that I thought she wouldn’t make it out of that arena. 

Now there’s a reminder of my failures standing by my side. Now we’ll have to stand there together and watch children die year after year.

It’s not the same, but there are twisted parallels here that I have no desire to accept, but have somehow only fully realized now that Three has another victor. Parenthood and mentorship. Sometimes both as unwanted, and unasked for as the other. I don’t know how you do it, how you do both, when either alone is hard enough. This feeling of responsibility for another’s well being is terrifying. And I feel an immense amount of guilt for not allowing myself to see it that way until this year.

Could I have helped any of the others survive if I had tried harder? Would that have been dooming them to an even worse fate, if I did?

Am I cruel, for thinking this way? I can’t even tell anymore. It’s been too long, I have no sense of what’s normal any longer, if I did at all even before my own victory. 

I’ll see you soon enough. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to go on a Victory Tour, I’m not sure I remember how it’s done. But I’m glad for the excuse to see you and Sage. Perhaps I can convince our watchers to let us have dinner with you. I have a feeling you would get along well with Digit, she reminds me a little of you when we first met all those years ago. Perhaps you can give her understanding that I haven’t been able to find yet.

Give Sage my love, as always. And I suppose you can have some of it for yourself, too.

Yours, Silver

to nelly, sent after the 70th hunger games

Dear Nelly, 

You mentioned your newest set of stationary the last time we ran into each other, so I thought I might give you an excuse to test it out, in case you’re not waiting on any other replies at the moment. (Although I’m certain you have much more interesting letters waiting for you than mine.)

I hope you’re doing as well as anyone can, in between Games. I realized, as I sat down to begin this letter, that I’m not actually entirely certain what the life of an escort is like outside of the little I hear from ours. In fact, it’s rare that I see much of the Capitol at all outside of the bustle of the Games, usually sequestered in a windowless room in some high rise to do work when I am asked to come in during the off season.

Do you spend your time planning for whatever might come during the next Games, or are you allowed a few months of rest from responsibility? It says something that I can’t tell if the idea of rest sounds appealing or horrifying. Only I suppose it’s hard for me to imagine what life in the Capitol must be like, or even just a life without my days filled with work, no room to think of much else.

Although, that’s not quite true, is it? I’ve found enough time without work to write. Oh, and I apologize if this is utterly illegible. Years of making notes only for myself or my assistants’ interpretation has led to rather awful handwriting. Perhaps you can offer me some pointers, that seems like the sort of thing you would be an expert at, perfect handwriting.

Anyway, I could go on about what I’m currently working on, but I won’t bore you with those details, when I’ve done enough rambling as it is. 

It seems that work is going to bring me to the Capitol for a few days in a week or two, perhaps I’ll see you at one of the parties they inevitably ask me to attend while there. The possibility of a friendly face at one of those events is always something to look forward to, at least.

In the meantime, take care of yourself, Nelly, you deserve a break.

Warmly, Silver

to swann, sent before the 72nd hunger games

Swann,

I hope I’m not being too presumptuous in writing to you. I know there’s no need for a letter, a call, at the very most, would have sufficed, if not simply a silent acknowledgement the next time we both find ourselves forced to attend a Capitol celebration. But something compelled me to do so anyway. 

Perhaps it’s because understanding is such a rarity, even among the unfortunate many of us who have been put through what we’ve faced.

I know I wasn’t in any state to offer the appropriate gratitude at that party. This is something that I’ve dealt with for years, but it rarely becomes so bad so publicly. I hope you know that I would do my best to offer you the same understanding you gave me, if our positions were ever reversed. I’m not so certain I would be able do so with as much compassion and grace as you, but we all have our strengths. Mine clearly not being my memory.

Trust isn’t an easy thing to give, but the risk was worth it, in this case. Still, if you could keep the...severity of my situation quiet, I would be very grateful. Flaws, weaknesses are too dangerous for those in our position, I know you’ve seen that firsthand as well. 

Which I suppose is why I’m all the more grateful for your help in remembering. That’s all I really wanted to say, I appreciated the reminder you gave me, and the humanity you showed. It’s all very easy to forget, sometimes.

There’s no need to write back.

Sincerely,  Silver Ostro

to aven, unsent, written several years after desmond’s death

Aven,

I’ve been thinking about Thalia a great deal lately. And when I think of Thalia, I can’t help but think of you, as well, of course.

It’s not rare to see her face in nightmares, to see her body. I relive those last few moments of my Games over and over again more nights than not, slowed down, sped up, in excruciating detail each time. 

I try to remind myself of what she was like before, but it’s been harder lately to remember those few good moments in the arena with her, when both of us were safe, when she showed me care it felt like I hadn’t been given in years. 

It’s selfish, but I wish we could talk about her, like we used to. I want to hear your stories about what she was like back in Five, before the Games took her, about how the two of you got along. It was always easier to see her smile in my mind, instead of her death, right after you talked about her with me.

But that’s not fair of me to wish for, is it?

I know you blame me in some ways for what happened, and I accept that. I know what I create is used for, I know how dangerous it all is, even those things that would be harmless in less cruel hands than those of the Capitol, and yet I still do so anyway. 

I have more blood on my hands that most victors, all without ever laying a finger on anyone.

Sometimes, I wonder if Thalia would have survived, if she hadn’t made the mistake of showing me kindness, and if everyone might have been better for that. I have a suspicion you know that feeling well yourself.

But there’s no use in speculation. We survived, and we continue to survive only because of the choices we’ve made. Choices that have hurt others we care for deeply. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to blame each other, to stay at odds, because we’ve both made those choices, and they’ve caused immeasurable pain. 

It’s not easy to look into a mirror.

I could apologize to you, but nothing I can say will undo what I’ve been apart of, and what I’ve caused with my selfish desire to live, despite this not feeling terribly like life at all. So instead I’ll just say that I understand, even if you don’t want me to. And perhaps that’s as far as we can hope to get just now.

- Silver

dawn, unsent, written several years ago after oversharing then pulling away lmao

Dawn,

I owe you an explanation. In fact, I owe you much more than that, but I’ve never had such an easy time with admitting I’ve been wrong, expressing vulnerability, so all that I can offer just now is an explanation, as a start.

You might have guessed that I’m not used to talking openly when it comes to things more emotional. In the absence of many memories of my own childhood, I have to simply assume from what I’ve been told that this has always been the case, something that I learned early on from my parents, who were both more content to hole themselves up surrounded by electronics and blueprints, rather than face the world. Logic reigned in our home, from what I’ve heard, and the little I do remember now. There was never much sharing of emotions, and that was that.

After my Games, I suppose I took that to the extreme. But it’s easier to swallow it all down, bury it deep, when facing it might break you in ways that you’re not sure you could come back from.

This is my overly formal way of saying I’m shit at anything emotional. And when I’m faced with just that, it’s instinct to do exactly the opposite.

I’m self aware enough to know this is an instinct I need to break. And I’m self aware enough to admit that it’s not always as helpful as I like to believe it is, and that it’s possible, despite so much pain, to live through it with gentleness. You’re proof of that.

In our conversations, you opened my eyes to that possibility, something that I would have scoffed at if I had been told before witnessing it firsthand. At first, it was simple curiosity, you baffle me. I can hardly fathom how someone can be put through the cruelty and pain that you have, and still show such kindness for everyone.

You made me want to try, though. I don’t understand why you’re so intent on trying with me. That’s not something that happens often, I don’t give anyone a reason to want to try with me. And yet you shared, and somehow it compelled me to do the same.

And that was terrifying.

It’s not a good explanation––it’s one that I could use for each and every one of my actions in honesty––but it’s cowardice that made me run from that honesty. But perhaps it’s a start to admit that at all. 

Next time, if there is a next time, I’ll try to do better.

- Silver

to blythe, unsent, written after the president’s party, kept in one of their notebooks

B.B.,

I needed to set our understanding in writing, for my own sake. Supremely ironic, isn’t it, that writing is less dangerous than words spoken. I’ve helped make sure of that, unfortunately, and so from the moment I left the arena I found myself clinging to the act of putting thought to paper for safety, I think.

But that’s neither here, nor there.

That hug you shocked me with during the party at the president’s mansion is something I’m considering. It was a surprise, but also a reminder of how much someone can say with something so simple. I’ve forgotten in my years spent with my head down, doing as the Capitol says, that simple can be powerful. An agreement sealed in that gesture, trust, perhaps. It left me speechless, unbalanced, but not in a negative way. 

Before then, I can’t remember the last time I hugged anyone, isn’t that depressing?

Physical touch, any form of it at all, is such a rarity now that I hardly know how to react to it. I’ve spent so much of my life making certain I was beyond any such attachment that I’ve left myself thoroughly alone, when it counts. Strange, then perhaps, that I’m realizing how deeply I desire just that. I’ve been alone for a long time, I’ve kept myself alone for a long time. I’m tired of that.

(Maybe I’m presumptuous to think you understand that feeling well.)

Perfect timing, this strange little agreement of ours. 

I’m well aware I’m not easy to trust, and I shouldn’t be. I’ve spent the past twenty-two years working for the very people who caused us all so much pain, helping them take lives, and keep us in line. It’s something I have to earn. Something I plan to earn, right along side the penance and control I so desperately seek. The risk you’re taking is not lost on me, and I’m grateful for it. 

I’m going to do everything I can not to disappoint you, or any of the dozens of others I’ve already disappointed with my actions. I promise you that.

- S.O.

to digit, unfinished, written after the quarter quell announcement, kept with other letters

Digit,

If this letter ever makes its way to you, you’ll have to forgive the archaic form it’s taken, but I know you’re just as aware as I am that nothing spoken out loud is safe, and anyway, I’m not so certain I could put my thoughts into words if I tried, face to face.

That’s always been part of the problem, after all, hasn’t it?

We’ve agreed to try, but that’s much easier said than done after years of doing the opposite, years keeping as much distance as possible, despite the Capitol forcing us together. 

There’s no need to beat around the bush anymore. You deserve candor in a way I’ve rarely offered, something I’m trying to learn to do better at, but still is a foreign concept in honesty.

I’m sorry. That’s the base of it. 

You deserve more than just a simple apology, after everything that I have done, and even more so for the things I haven’t, but I’ve never been particularly good at this sort of thing. And I don’t expect your forgiveness, or anyone else’s for that matter. You, of all people, have every right and every reason not to offer it. What have I offered you, after all? Certainly nothing to inspire trust or faith.

My goal here is to do the opposite now. You’ll be a better judge than I am of if I’m succeeding in those attempts or not––and I’m certain you’ll have no trouble telling me bluntly if I am not––but as we’ve said, there’s little to do but try.  

My fear is that I might not have a chance to get far enough to make a difference, and my hope is that you might be willing to keep trying in my stead if that happens. It’s a great deal to ask of someone I’ve given every reason not to trust me, but I trust you. Oddly enough, I’ve always trusted you, even if I’ve done nothing to show it. Almost laughable, how in forcing us together, the Capitol might have created its own problems by forcing me to care.

Because I do, despite what I’ve shown.

But I hope it’s not to late to admit that.

to hudson, unfinished, written after the quarter quell announcement, kept with other letters

Hudson,

This is a rather morbid letter, the sort of just in case I’d rather not consider, but with so much uncertainty, precautions need to be in place if things go wrong. 

Firstly, I knew your parents, or rather, knew of them, when they were still in Three. And you deserve to know why you ended up where you are, too, I believe, whether they want to admit it, or not. 

A well-kept secret in Three. We make the technology, and thus, as I mentioned during our brief conversation on the train, it’s more difficult for them to keep it from us. We’re as advanced as the Capitol in our own way, if not more so, if only covertly. There’s a thriving...market, as I’m certain there is in every district, numbered high or low. There are needs that aren’t met by strictly by the book, and there are those who are willing to bridge that gap, in various ways, for various reasons.

It’s a situation that we all have considered before, in various ways, a situation some of us have lived out, unfortunately. There’s the heroic thought, that if we were put in a position in which keeping quiet would doom us, but save others, we would holdfast. But the reality is not so simple. 

I could never blame anyone for breaking under that pressure, under that desire to keep their own life, yet alone those of their family, safe. I know many who have done the same thing. In honesty, I’ve done just that, although not in such an outright way.

It’s preferable to take the lighter punishment, rather than something much worse in the name those you hardly know, isn’t it?

Is it?

I’m not so sure it is. I only wish I could offer some sort of reassurance that none of us will end up in a position like that again.

Which brings me to my second point. You’re intelligent enough that I believe you might have read between the lines during our last conversation. Personal projects that are not actually so personal. And I need someone to know that, several people to know that, in case something happens and I can’t see them through. 

Communication, what we spoke about, sharing information between all of us, instead of trying to win this fight alone. But also weapons, for the inevitable. It’s all coded in my notebooks, and the blueprints are hidden away, but I think between Digit, and you, certainly you might be able to interpret enough of them to glean something useful. Enough that I might make it easier for you to help fix things. Or at least I hope so. 

If not, I’m certain that you’re intelligent enough to come up with your own solution to this problem. Find a way to fix things, just as you mentioned to me you enjoy doing.

[cutmyhairabovemyjaw]

Heaven and Hell Bound - Tommy Shelby ~ Part 4

Part 1

Part 2 

Part 3

Hi guys. Thanks for liking and commenting on the previous parts. Apologies for the slight delay but I hope you enjoy this chapter none the less. I realise that in some series’ the authors tag certain people in each update to ensure they get notified of it so if you would like me to do the same just let me know. Feedback is always welcome and Part 5 is on its way. <3

Part 4 - Bandages and Blushes 

Y/N’s POV

Tommy had been sleeping for nearly two days now. My heart jumps to my throat every time I walk past. I fear that the sleep he is receiving now shall be the only slice of peace he may experience for years to come. I selfishly couldn’t help but to prolong my time with Tommy. A typical 5 minute vital check and bandage replacement turned into more of a 15 minute endeavour, filled with stolen stares and gentle touches. My fingers danced over his skin, like a water kipper over a pond, fragile movements as to not break the surface below. I’d whisper to him, let him know I was there. Perhaps I could lead him to sweeter dreams. 

It seems my emotional brain had conquered my rational one at the point for I find myself counting every minute Tommy spends in slumber. My lower lip partly swollen, painted with a rubier shade of red from my insistent nervous biting. The mechanisms of my pocket-watch as worn as the bottom of my shoes, scratched and strained from my obsessive need to watch time pass. It seems that my anxieties resonated off me like the sound of the air-raid sirens bellowing across the fields. Either that or Rosaline hunts down panic like a bloodhound to a body. She had been watching me for the past few hours now, observing my distressed ticks and decided she had seen enough. “Y/N,” she spoke gently, her hand in mine, “he’s going to be ok hon, trust me. He’s a soldier and a strong one at that. What he does not need right now is you working yourself up over him.” We both knew she was right, she was always right when it came to this kind of stuff. “I’m sorry Ro, I only just got him back I can’t bear the thought of him leaving now” I blurt out, heart thinking before my head. “Come on, go have a rest on the hill, you've been working all through the night and into the morning. I’ll watch over him hey?” I listen to her request, my body  aching, it celebrates the idea of a break. I take a deep breathe, closing my eyes, listening to reason. I give her a small nod and in return she smiles wide and gives my hand one last squeeze.  I head towards my hill, walking past the unconscious Thomas on my way. I pause just as I am about to leave the tent, closing my eyes in frustration at myself. Just walk out Y/N he’ll be fine. Come on just take another step. Just go outside. He’ll be in the exact same spot as when you left. Just go Y/N...Fucking hell. I seem not in control of my feet as I walk towards Tommy’s bed. Once I get there my eyes trace him over, not believing the beauty which lay before me. I gently place my hand on top of his and whisper to him, “Hey Tom. I’m still here don’t you worry. I’m just going up the hill for a little. Once you’re up and about I’ll show you hey? That sounds nice doesn’t it? Now you wake up soon hey and I’ll be right here.” I lean over, placing a light kiss on his forehead. “Come on Tommy, please wake up.” I force my feet to walk away and lead me outside the tent. My lips can’t decide which one I crave more right now, a cigarette or Thomas Shelby.

Tommy’s POV

Ringing. A mad fucking ringing in my ears that’s all I can hear. It feels like my blood has been replaced with cement, the heaviest of weights flowing through my veins. The ringing has turned into muffled voices and sounds, my eyelids and muscles still stuck in unconsciousness. My senses seem to be awakening alongside me as the smell of antiseptic now flooded my nose. I try to make sense of what I’m hearing, ignoring the ocean-like muffling filtering my eardrums. “...up the hill...come on Tommy” I hear a light female voice say. I feel a warmth leave my hand, perhaps she had been holding it. My heart yells to me, Y/N, it speaks. It had to be her with me. With all my might I try to reach my hand out, to move my lips, to open my eyes. Please come back. With her distraction gone, the pain which rippled through my body finally came to my attention. Fucking hell. I try to think back to what had occurred before I slept, only receiving flashing segments of memory. Both the enemy’s and our own tunnel had become one and chaos had ensued, next thing I was in this bed staring at Y/N angelic face as the nurses began their work, and finally, screaming in pain as my pretty girl removed the bullet and stitched me up. I had to wake up for her, I need to know if she is ok. It took me another 10 minutes to open my eyes, another 5 to speak. Seeing as I had just woken up, various different nurses had looked over me and to each of them I said, “Please I need to see Y/N”. It wasn’t until the one who I had seen standing with Y/N the first time I met her came to me. Rosaline, I believe Y/N told me her name was. She listened and she followed. “Right away Mr Shelby.” I breathe in, nervous excitement swelling over me. Tommy Shelby, I said to myself, you haven’t been this nervous over a girl since giving one a squashed, half-dead flower when you were 7 years old. I will act calm and collected and pray the blush on my cheeks does not give me away.

Y/N’s POV

“He’s awake!” My eyes fly open and my head turns to Ro. I take in her smile and giddy hands. He’s ok. I knew he’d be ok. My mind begins to turn at a million miles an hour. I look horrible, what do I say, did he hear what I said to him as he slept, my brain ticks faster and faster. “Hey!” Rosaline speaks, now crouched down to my level, “Don’t worry about anything, ok? He specifically asked after you. And don’t tell him I said this, but he looked kinda nervous too.” Her addicting smile lighting up each word. I felt a shy tug pulling at the edges of my lips as she revealed this to me. “Well? Get your ass in there!” I laugh at her, rising to my feet. I look to her, giving her my silent gratitude. 

My heart moves as fast as my feet, I can feel the other nurses and patients looking to me, confused as to why such a contagious smile plagues my face. And finally I see him, and he sees me. We look to each other. He smiles and laughs. I do the same. Oh Tommy. I walk to him, sitting in the chair next to his bed. “Hello, pretty girl” He smirks. “Hello, pretty boy” I look down a shy blush painting my face. He reaches out, tucking a finger under my chin, lifting my gaze back up to his. “Not exactly how I planned our next meeting to go,” he says. “What? You in a hospital bed and me with blood on my apron isn’t your idea of a perfect first date?” I reply, sarcasm lacing my tongue. He laughs, a perfect melody escaping his lips, “As long as I’m with you, I think we could make hell pleasant.” I giggle, placing my hand upon his. We sit in silence for a few moments, his thumb moving back and forth on my soft skin. I see him close his eyes and gently fall back onto his pillows. I wonder what he’s thinking of. I don’t realise I’m staring until his eyes open and he pulls me out of my trace with a few gentle words, “Is there something on my face?”. He asks in obvious jest, making playful fun of me for staring. “No no no, I just, there wasn't, I-i” He laughs. “Shh, it’s alright Y/N. It’s just funny that out of the both of us, you’re staring at me.” I smile, butterflies engulf my stomach. “How do you feel?” I ask, a fragility to my voice. “Like shit. But, nothing I’m not used to at this point” he says sadly. I squeeze his hand, hurting over the idea of him in pain. He smiles at me in response.

I decide to check his report to see when was his latest administering of medicine was, perhaps I could lessen his suffering. I see that he’s due for a bandage change and vitals check. “Ok Tommy, seeing as I am a nurse and they don’t feed me just to talk to my patients, I’m going to change your bandages ok?” He smiles at me as I stand up, moving towards his wrapped shoulder and chest. As my fingers begin to peel the old bandages off, I notice how close we are. My fingers are tracing his bare chest, our faces barely a few inches apart, he’s looking at me, his eyes flicking from my fingers, to my lips, to my furrowed brow. I’d only done this while he was asleep and I’m beginning to wish he was as his eyes burn through me. My fingers brush against his neck, I hear him sharply inhale. I watch as he closes his eyes and drag his bottom lip through his teeth, perhaps as a way to prevent any noise from happening again. “I’m sorry Tom. Does it hurt?” I ask secretly wishing it wasn’t hurt making him react like this. “No no no... Y/N you’re alright...just keep going”, he quickly replies, his face flushed a warm shade of pink. I continue with my procedures, his eyes avoiding mine whenever I look up. Oh Tommy, what are you doing to me.

I finish up, discarding of any rubbish and taking my seat once more. “All better now hey?” I say softly, my tongue forgetting all words and means of conversation. “Thank you Y/N. For all this and for keeping your promises,” he says sweetly, gently grabbing my hand and placing it in his “looks like Arthur and John are gonna have to deal with me for a little bit longer then eh?” I chuckle. “Speaking of those brothers of yours, I had word sent down when you arrived to let them know you were ok. Couldn’t have them going off and celebrating prematurely now could we?” I smirk to him. He laughs, rolling his eyes. “They’re gonna love you Y/N. I sometimes fear maybe too much” he explains, kindness glazing over his bewitching blue eyes. “Do you think I will get to meet them soon? Properly I mean. Last time I met John he was throwing up in a bucket and all I know about Arthur is what you tell me in your stories which perhaps don’t show him in the greatest of lights.” I ask, wanting to further delve into Tommy’s life. He thinks for a minute, smiling at the mention of his brothers. “Well the Christmas Ball is coming up soon. It may be the case you see them soon.” As he speaks he reaches over to the cigarettes that lay on the nearby table. He picks up two and hands the first to me, which I then place between my teeth. I reach into my pocket, retrieving my matches. As I begin to take one out, ready to light, I feel Tommy’s hand over mine as he gently takes the matches from my hands, lighting one as the match’s head explodes into flame. He carefully moves his hand towards me as he offers to light my cigarette. Naturally I lean down, watching and inhaling as the flame moves from the match to my cigarette. Our eyes lock for a brief moment, a new type of air filling my lungs and it’s not just the smoke. I relax into the chair as he lights his own. “Christmas Ball?” I speak, cutting through the thick air, “where on earth have they found a place and time during this bloody fighting to hold a Ball of all things?” He begins to speak in response, but I find myself encapsulated by the new sight in front of me. Thomas Shelby smoking was a whole other level of beauty. “Well a 2 day ceasefire has already been agreed upon by both sides and orders have been made for drinks, food and music. Arthur’s already laid out his formal gear and John has given himself a horrible home haircut in preparation” he explains, his words shaping the smoke which framed him. “And what have you done to prepare Tommy?” the question slides of my tongue. “Well you see Y/N,” He taps out the burnt ends of his cigarette into the ashtray, “I think you’ll find I’m preparing right now. It is my goal to take the prettiest girl to this Christmas Ball and she’s already fallen head over heels for me”. “Oh really?” I play along, trying to hide my smirk, “Poor girl. She must be delusional.” He hums in agreement. “Or blind” I continue. He gasps, “Y/N! My poor feelings” he jests. “Well by the sounds of it you’ve already got a date so I better work on finding mine. Shall my next letter be posted to Arthur or John?” He laughs, his now classic smirk and eye roll taking my breath away. “Now that's a poor girl. Some say it’s harder to be Arthur or John’s women than it is to be in the trenches.” I laugh, his dark humour suiting his face well. 

“Ahem.” I hear from behind me. Oh no. Come on why now. I look to Tommy as he now begins to try and hide his smile by rubbing his bottom lip. “Ahem!” I hear once more. The distinct sound of the old, grumpy, hunched over, goblin-from-hell creature that takes the form of Matron Nurse Beatrice. Bloody fucking Beatrice. I quickly rise to my feet and turn to face her. “Yes Matron?” I ask, not ready for the grilling I’m about to receive. “It seems I’ve caught you once more frat-er-niz-ing with this soldier,” I try to hold my tongue as she over-enunciates every syllable in every word, “you are under gods watch young one and he wishes to see you do good work, not whisper silly things into this young man’s ear.” I can’t believe this is happening. Of all the times. Tommy’s never going to let this down. “Do you understand me young lady?” she grunts out. “Yes Matron” “I don’t have to beat you over the head with my bible again do I sister Y/N?” I hear Tommy laugh, quickly trying to cover it as I cough. I close my eyes. Can this get any worse. “No Matron.” “Good. Well get on with it.” She turns and hobbles away, I swear I can see devils horns on her head and hooves on her feet. I turn around in silence, not even daring to look at Tommy for fear I might explode from sheer embarrassment. “You’re under gods watch Y/N” Tommy says, now deciding that what I need to hear is a wonderful Beatrice impression just to kick me while I’m down. “Don’t you dare Thomas” I look up to him. “Where’s my bible I need to give Sister Y/N a good beating” he continues, for some horrible reason he sounds exactly like her. “I’m gonna kill you Shelby.” I begin to walk away. “Not before I kill you Y/N! Let’s hope I don’t die of old age first.” he goes on with that stupid fucking impression. By now I’m nearly out of his sight, quickly shouting back “Shut up Tom”. I can already tell that little bastard is still laughing about it. Some luck I have. 

A fair amount of time had passed since my last interaction with Thomas, yet I could not help but play it out on repeat in my head. I had already gushed out to Rosaline what had happened, mind you leaving out the Matron bit for I think I may jump off a cliff if i have to deal with anymore teasing. She responded with some giddy girly screams and jumping up and down. Classic. I continued my duties until the next day, having small conversations with him, feeling bubbly after each one. However, I knew that our time together would soon come to an end. Whilst not yet fully fighting fit, he was needed back down in the tunnels. I busied myself as he was getting dressed back into his gear and cleaning his bed. I was so scared in fact that it was him who came to me, lightly grabbing my arm and spinning me towards him. “Hey pretty girl” he says. “Hello Thomas” I reply, not bothering to hide the sadness in my voice. “You know, while I was asleep I heard you speaking of a hill and you’ve also mentioned it in your letters. I was wondering if, for the last 5 minutes, you wouldn’t mind showing me? It is the sunset after all” He smiles wide, his hand moving down from my arm and into my own, our fingers interlocking. I smile at him, “I would love nothing more pretty boy.” I lead him outside and onto the hill. Mother nature had sent us a gift with the sunset painting she had provided us tonight. “It’s beautiful up here” he breathes out. “Yeah it is isn’t it” I sigh with him. “Y/N” “Thomas” we say together, laughing at our nervousness. “Thank you Tommy, for everything” I look up to him, taking a step forward. “Likewise Y/N” he steps forward as well. As I dance within his eyes, I hadn’t noticed that he lifted up one of his hands and placed it upon my cheek. We move closer. This has to be heaven. He places a delicate kiss on my skin, just beside my lips. My eyes flutter shut. This has to be a fairy tale. He rests his forehead on mine. Tranquillity had never felt so tangible. But like everything perfect it has to end. “Tommy Sir. I’m sorry Sir but it’s time.” A soldier speaks from the foot of the hill. We open our eyes and smile to each other. “Write to me” he whispers. “I will. I promise. Pinky promise.” We lock our pinkies together, I promise to write and he promises to stay alive. I feel his warmth move away, leaving me in the coldness of reality. I stand by myself my arms wrapped around my body. Just before he enters the tent he turns to face me once more. He waves, as if we were neighbours, guaranteed to see each other tomorrow morning. I smile and wave back. I pray I have not sent him back to his death

[yourereallyhere]

tagged by @historyandships @iishallbelieve <333

1. What Station on the Ark would you be from? Uhhhhh I literally have no idea bc we don’t really know about a lot of the stations / what they did. I’m in pre-med so maybe Go-Sci because that’s where Ark Station Medical is? I just looked up all the stations but I really have no idea. good question though. if anyone wants to respond with what they know about they stations that’d be !sick!

2. What would you get arrested for on the Ark? I’m kind of a goody-two shoes but if there was a curfew then maybe that. Or defending someone (I'd like to think)

3. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground? It’s hard to think of what I would or wouldn’t do considering that I've never even been close to being in their shoes but I don't think so

4. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..) hmmmm maybe a dog??

5. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be? wow so many minor characters have died it’s hard to remember. Is wells a minor character considering he was only in a few episodes? if yes then him. if not then Jake. let us go back in time and bring him back season six </3 but not like before Clarke was arrested like present show time bring him back

6. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they? Clarke, Bellamy, Murphy, Roan, Monty. I wanna say Raven but we’re in a fight right now.

7. What Grounder Clan would you belong to?  Louwada Kliron Kru SO COLORFUL

8. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? Lian (?? whatever Leeann is in trig)

9. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious. Honestly I never liked him he was so weird and cocky and in his first 2 seconds in the show the people who followed him died and then he jumped off the drop ship in front of Murphy like wooOOWW Finn ur sewww coooool and and then he cheated on his girlfriend who risked her life to be with him like idk? couldn't you wait more than a week and half??? and then he literally massacred a village like ik people have done a lot of shitty things but they were posing no threat whatsoever. they tried to redeem him with the spacewalker backstory but I didn’t really feel for him :/ I don’t think he deserves the insane amount of villianization (is that a word?) he gets in fits and stuff but I also don’t think he’s the good guy they introduce him as

10. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does? I think without knowing most people would say yes and on one hand I don’t do drugs and it seemed super drug-like so I probably wouldn’t but on the other hand emotionally this has been the worst year of my life bc I went through a medical thing so maybe?

11. What character do you relate to most? I think lately Murphy bc my life is literally Murphy’s law ( ha ha no pun intended ) and I kind of feel like a lot of things are working against me but I'm still here bitchesssss

12. What character do you like the least? ABBY I literally have hated her since the first episode and I wish she could die without it breaking my baby Clarkes heart but I know it would kill her to lose her so I'm kind of in a pickle. and jaha before he died was the WOAT 

13. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical) Loose jeans or something similar and a t-shirt with a comfy jacket and the closest thing they have to Blundstones boots

14. Favorite type of mutant animal? butterflies

15. What would your job be on the Ark? something in med bay

16. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked? obvi

17. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she was still alive, then who would have made the best commander? Aiden

18. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty? if I was around other people and it was a good effect then lots of dancing I think but if I was alone and it had a bad effect like with Clarke and Bellamy then I would be pretty sad 

19. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake approach? Neither. id probably try and set up some sort of judicial system and figure it out with a group of people

20. Who should have been the Chancellor, if anyone? Clarke with Bellamy as her right hand and some others (including Kane) as a council. Their main concern was relations with the grounders and the people who have actually communicated with them should be in charge of that 

21. Would you have been on Pike’s side like Bellamy or on Kane’s side? Or Clarke in Polis? Kane’s

22. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there? the iPod. idk how they survived this long without music.

23. What would your Grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint? I don't like having permanent things on my body especially when its not symmetrical asdfghjk but maybe like a small meaningful tattoo?? hair would be two dutch braids or just down and war paint maybe the black line on the face like in season five?

24. Favorite quote? too many to choose from but literally anything bellarke. a few that jump to mind are “but we need each other Bellamy. the only way we’re gonna pull this off is together” “you keep her centered / you got it backwards” “I’ve got you for that” “if I'm on that list you're on that list” “we can’t lose her” oh and non bellarke “If only a conscience was a free pass, and not just a voice in your head you pretend to listen to between unspeakable acts.” is a good one

25. If all of the characters were in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? Murphy or Bellamy 

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite canon ship? Favorite non canon ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC OR BE Braven (I don't mean to offend but they just used each other for sex, I love their friendship) / but for actual canon relationship Kabby (but only because everything abby does bothers me), marper (too pure for this world pls let more good things happen on this show), niytaviah (so! much! sexual! and! romantic! tension!)

27. A song that should be included in the next season? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo? Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen for those rover ~vibes~ / Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith / Love Like by Peter Collins, and show guest star Brie Larson, Gemma Chan, or, selfishly, Chris Hemsworth 

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time? party and watch movies and sexy time

29. You’re an extra that gets killed off. How do you die? I’m the guy who died first when the scouts attacked in season 1 bc that’s my luck

30. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of? Bellamy

31. A character you’d bang? umm if you know me you know the answer to this is my homeboy Bellamy he can do whatever he wants to me

32. Would you stay in the Bunker? Go up to Space? Or live on your own in Eden? I wanna say eden but being alone would suck so space

33. In the Bunker, would you follow Octavia? What would you do to pass the time underground? I guess I'd have to because if not I would die uk and I would read if that was possible. if not I'd get some friends

34. What crime would you commit in the Bunker that lands you in the fighting pits? stealing supplies

35. Up in Space, who would you bond with first? Who would be the most difficult for you to get along with? Harper, and if Bellamy wasn’t too depressed to hang out then him too. Most difficult would be echo

36. How long do you think you would last on Earth by yourself? not long at all

37. When the Eligius ship lands what do you do? Hide, the valley is literally huge. or wait in the village bc no one is taking it over bitchhhh if they wanna talk then talk

38. Favorite Eligius character? Least favorite? Diyoza, McCreary

39. Would you Spacewalk? no im so scared of getting lost in space

40. Would you prefer to eat Windshield Bugs, Space Algae, or Bunker Meat? space algae

41. Would you start a war for the last spot of green on earth? What would your solution be to avoid it? nahhh I said the valley was huge before and I meant it, they're all overreacting just share it bruh

42. Would you rather dig out flesh-eating worms or stick thumb drives into bullet holes? thumb drives into bullet holes

43. Are you willing to poison your sister for the Traitor Who You Love? What would you do to stop Octavia? 100% also he kind of knew she would wake up. if I was her sister then the same as Bellamy. if not then kill her.

44. Would you go to sleep in cryo or stay awake like Marper? Cryo

45. Who are you waking up first to explore the new planet? Bellarke

tagging @chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky @anne-shirley-blythe @fen-ha-fuck-you @talistheintrovert @prophecy-gurl @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold

[dr-owo]

Are You Done Yet? || MM Trial || Mika || RE: Everyone

Despite her entrance -- and despite her general existence currently -- Mika waits and listens patiently as everyone says their piece. The way their voices sound... Pleading, berating, relieved --

It's enough to make her shiver with something far too close to ecstasy.

And yet -- and yet, there is always one person, isn't there? Mika fixes her gaze on Raven first, sighing calmly.

"I'll be honest, Raven-san... I find it hard to believe nobody else has gotten tired of the inane dronings you're constantly rambling off. Even after blundering around like a useless blind child while the world watched, you somehow think there is still weight to your words..."

She laughs quietly, shoulders shaking with it.

"In other words, the feeling's mutual! Say whatever you like, and come kill me if you want to try. I have far more experience with it than you. But -- let's move on to more important things."

Her eyes flicker from person to person, before finally settling on Abe. Looking at him, she smiles.

"Mm... What was it you asked..? Why me? That's because I'm the only one capable of something like this. I am the only one willing to go this far. As for what a person like me could gain from this, you might already know that... If not for the fact that, you have gladly seen me as a fool in order to create a point of reference from which you may consider yourself a wise man. Egocentricity and pity are a dangerous combination, Abe-san!"

Who else... Who else spoke? She turns her head, glancing up at Kiha with a smile before she looks past him to Ren.

"And Minami-san... I'll clear one thing up for you! Tomo-chan is the one who killed my uncle... An act of love from a student to her teacher. I am only the one responsible for Sena-san's death. Well -- I suppose I'm response for everyone's deaths, but that's beside the point, hm?"

Daishin -- Daishin is next, because Daishin is who she sees as her eyes go back around the circle of podiums.

"You are correct, Taniguchi-san. This has been my plan since the beginning. It's worked out nicely, hasn't it~? I couldn't make things easy for my favorite villagers... Ah -- but I almost made things too hard! So much faith, lost on such a pitiful performance... Oh well. I was needed to tie up these loose ends no matter how I did it." 

Mika sighs again, and then -- then she smiles at Kiha again, but turns her head to address Hanari instead. She laughs, but it is hardly quiet this time. Suddenly, she is worked up in a bit of a fervor.

"You know -- you know, Hosukai-san! That's such an incredible thing to hear out of the mouth that cursed her name moments ago! Even without me being here -- even without seeing me, you knew she was troubled, didn't you? Knew someone had used her, if you bothered to read.But since I was not here, Tomoyo Iori, my dear, pained student, was damned to rot by the vitriol you now direct towards me. Your anger is self serving at best, darling! But -- aren't we all, mhm~? Very self serving. Very selfish."

She laughs again, directing her gaze to Sunshine and smiling wide -- warm.

"Ahah... Selfish... That's okay though, isn't it? Mhm... I'm alive and well, and you can selfishly enjoy that reality, Sunny-chan! After all -- while I have lied about many things, loving all of you was not one. Not that I expect all of you to believe that, of course."

And finally -- finally, her head turns, and when she smiles at Kiha, she speaks. As she does, the heightened fervor in her voice remains.

"...Especially you. There was no lie in the fireworks I told you about. My feelings -- aha... My feelings are horribly, terribly real, Kiha-san! Yours... Mm... Your feelings... Unfortunately for you -- you cannot deny that those are just as real. Ahhh... Isn't that terrible? To love a woman like me... I really am so mean to you! But -- I wouldn't mind breaking my own rule to hold hands, you know?"

She laughs, and laughs, and as she does, she takes a step back and spreads her arms out at her sides.

"Now! Having addressed all of your petty concerns, let's get to it. You're so very, very right, Raven-san! Mm... Yes -- this is the part where you so helpfully remind me that I am nothing more than a hedonistic bitch -- but rather than deny it, I will happily and readily admit to that truth! 

"My vision is as self serving as the rest of you, and my vision is art.My vision is beauty. Beauty, which lies in darkest underbelly of mankind's self destructive nature -- in the way our world has always been strife with turmoil and chaos to a smaller degree.

"My masterpiece is an organized chaos of my own creation and ideals. It is my own selfish fulfillment. This world, and the despair that has stripped it and the people left on it to their core, are my greatest work!"

[imitranslates]

Honjitsu no Kami Oroshi Ch. 1

New series I��ve decided to translate on a whim. I’ll be playing catch-up as the 3rd chapter comes out tomorrow, but this series will be translated on a more relaxed schedule when I do get caught up, prob within 1-2 weeks of the release. This won’t affect my Mononokean translations, so no worries.

Honjitsu no Kami Oroshi (or, “Today’s Divine Revelation,” as I’ve decided to translate it) is a slice of life-y/cooking manga by Yata Midori that just started serialization in Gangan Online last month. In it, established author Takatsuki Ryuunosuke hires his younger brother, Rintarou, to cook menus inspired by literary works in order to spark his ideas!

You can read the first chapter at http://www.ganganonline.com/contents/honzitsu/ by clicking “[1話] 赤毛のアン“  in the chapter listing!

Today's Divine Revelation Chapter 1 – Anne of Green Gables

Page 1

[Raspberry cordial, two types of cookies, fruit and nut pound cake,]

[A layer cake, and cherry pie.]

[This is

The divine revelation menu for entering the world of "Anne of Green Gables."]

Page 4

Ryuunosuke: Haa...

No ideas are coming to me...

Ryuu: How...

Ryuu: Many days ago did I last leave the house, again...?

Page 5

Woman: Eh?

You ended up firing that kid?

Man: No...

When I told him, "You should serve customers with more of a smile," he told me he couldn't...

Man: He said, "If it's going to be an issue, I'll quit."

Woman2: How inflexible!!!

Woman: He always had a sour look on his face, didn't he.

High school students should act more carefree.

Woman2: But, he was such a diligent worker. It's a shame.

What was his name again... Takasugi-kun?

Man: Takatsuki.

Page 6

Man: Takatsuki Rintarou-kun.

[This job wasn't any good either...]

Rintarou: (I thought I'd be able to manage if it was a bookstore...

Well...)

Rin: (The bookstore worker...

Said it was part of customer service. [But it's impossible])

Ryuu: Wha?

Page 7

Ryuu: What, now?

You ended up fired at another job!?

Rin: That's bad manners, Ryuunosuke.

Don't stand up while we're having a meal.

And don't point your chopsticks at people.

Rin: Lastly, a grain of rice! It's stuck to your face.

Ryuu: Ah, sorry.

Ryuu: ...That said, you shouldn't just call me by my name like that. I'm still your big brother, you know.

Rin: I didn't technically get fired.

Rin: I wasn't able to fulfill my employer's demands, so I quit.

Ryuu: Demands?

Rin: .......

Rin: A smile.

Page 8

Ryuu: (Bahaha!) That...

Ryuu: That was the demand...!?

Rin: ...

Ryuu: You can at least smile, can't you!?

Rin: Impossible.

I can't give one of those fake smiles.

But... Selfishly saying "I can't" at work is also unforgivable.

Rin: Therefore, I quit.

It was totally logical!!

Ryuu: How strict!!!

Ryuu: You're so strict, or should I say stubborn!

Ryuu: Are you really my younger brother...?

Ryuu: In the first place, why did you suddenly start looking for a part-time job?

Page 9

Rin:......

No real reason.

Rin: I just thought I should earn my own spending money since I'm a high school student, now.

Rin: Unlike my older bro, who's a shut-in with no talent for normal work.

Ryuu: !

Ryuu: Hey, hold up.

Ryuu: You know I'm a novelist!

Since my workplace is at home, it's not like I'm shutting myself in!

Rin: How many days has it been since you left the house?

Ryuu: If you're gonna say it like that...

Ryuu: Two weeks...?

Rin: Then you're a real shut-in, aren't you!?

Go outside a little! Don't you know your legs are gonna degenerate!?

Ryuu: No way!!

If there's nothing I have to do, there's no way I'm leaving the house!

Page 10

Ryuu: I hate the cold and stifling feeling of the outside world.

Society is overflowing with facades and fabrications.

Ryuu: Unending desires in transient abundance, false love...

The state of all those things wounds my heart.

Ryuu: That's why I've decided...

"I'll do my best not to leave the house."

Rin: Are you a hermit?

Ryuu: I have no discomfort. For I have the wings called "imagination"!

With these wings, I can go anywhere.

Rin: There's no helping you, huh.

Page 11

Rin: (Sigh...) Hey, bro...

It's a really good thing you found your current work as an author.

Ryuu: It's my calling!

I think... it's my calling, but...

Ryuu: ........

Recently, I've been in a little slump...

Ryuu: "A short story commemorating the 10 years since my debut."

Ryuu: Is the story I'm doing, but...

I'm not getting any good ideas.

Rin: They've dried up, huh? (All of them).

Ryuu: Haa... How nice...

Unlike me, the apple blossoms are in full bloom...

Rin: Don't get jealous of a tree.

Ryuu: Whenever the apple tree blooms, it reminds me of Anne of Green Gables...

Rin: Green Gables? What's that?

Page 12

Ryuu: "Anne of Green Gables" is a Canadian coming-of-age story about an orphan with red hair named Anne Shirley.

Ryuu: The highly imaginative protagonist Anne causes a stir with all sorts of incidents.

Ryuu: Friendship, family, and the old-fashioned daily life are all vibrantly written about in that masterpiece.

Ryuu: In the start of the series, before Anne is adopted, when she heads toward the "Green Gables"...

Ryuu: She passes through the rows of dreamily beautiful apple trees...

Ryuu: I really love that scene...

Ryuu: Ahh...

Ryuu: I want to visit Anne's world.

Page 13

Ryuu: If I could visit that world, if I could meet with Anne and happily chat with her...

Ryuu: I might get a revelation from god...

Rin: Why don't you go?

Ryuu: Eh...?

Rin: You have wings called imagination, don't you?

Then, why not go visit? Canada.

Why not visit that world?

Rin: In your head.

Ryuu: !

Ah...

Page 14

Ryuu: That's right! You're totally right, Rintarou!

Hey, why don't you do some work here at my place?

Rin: Wha? Work here?!

Ryuu: Yeah! See, your cooking's good, right?

Rin: Cooking...?

I mean, I can do a certain amount, but...

Ryuu: In Anne's story, all sorts of delicious food shows up.

Please let me have a taste of that moment's joy! While sitting in the comfort of my own home.

Rin: ...?

In your own home?

Ryuu: Yes! The title is!!

Ryuu: Under the Apple Tree!

Rin: !

Ryuu: A wonderful picnic that will take us to the world of Anne of Green Gables!!

Page 15

Rin: ....

Rin: Ehh...?!

Rin: Eh?

(An unforeseen development)

Ryuu: How about it?

Ryuu: One thousand yen an hour!!

Rin: ........

.....

Rin: Are...

Rin: Are you serious...

Girl1: Hey...

Takatsuki-kun is acting weird today, isn't he?

Girl2: Weird?

...He's eating lunch alone while reading, just like always.

Girl1: No, not that.

The book he's reading is what's weird! Look!

Page 16

Girls: A..

Anne of Green Gables...!!!

(Girl1: And with such a scary expression...)

Rin: (It's not like...)

Rin: (I want money so bad I need it from Aniki...)

(But, if I say "I can't" to everything...

I'll become a person that can't do anything.)

Rin: (Above all...)

Page 17

(When he was my age,)

(Aniki had already become an author.)

Rin: (I have to do something, too!!!)

Rin: Uhhh...

Two kinds of cookies, a fruit and nut pound cake, a layer cake...

Raspberry cordial, and a cherry pie. All together, six dishes.

Rin: If it's like that, any idiot should be satisfied.

Rin: The beginning of the tea party is at one o'oclock.

So, in five hours... Okay.

Page 18

Rin: (I'll make this order a success!!)

Rin: Uh, first off...

I'll cut the dough I made and refrigerated last night into cookies and bake them.

Rin: The classic cookies need a little assembly.

Place some jam in the middle of the plain cookies...

Rin: While they're baking, the raspberry cordial.

It seems a lot like raspberry juice...

Rin: The berries are mixed with sugar and put over heat,

And lemon juice and water are added. Once it reaches a boil, the mixture is strained.

(Rin: Incidentally, there's equal parts berries and sugar..)

[Sugar, 500g]

(Rin: The calories must be crazy...)

Rin: I did that part last night, so I just have to add water and soda to taste and it's ready.

Page 19

Rin: Next, the pound cake.

Rin: Beat together room temperature butter and sugar until it turns pale,

Then incorporate beaten eggs a little bit at a time.

(Rin: Looks like it's coming together...)

Rin: Then the flour,

Raisins, walnuts, orange zest, and almonds go in.

Rin: Stir to distribute evenly.

[All right? This cake tastes horrible! Is this the fault of the baking powder?]

[(Oh, Marilla!)]

Rin: (...Is how that scene went in the story, I think.)

Rin: (I guess things would really go wrong if the baking powder was bad back then.)

Rin: (But I'll be fine. I used good baking powder...)

[170C for 40-50 minutes.]

Rin: Oops, onto the next! (The cherry pie!)

Rin: I mean, I should clean up a little.

Uwah! It's already this late!?

(Crash!)

Rin: Ow!

Page 20

Rin: !

Rin: Uwah...

It's a success!!

Rin: (It rose nicely,

Has a golden brown color, and it smells great!!)

Rin: (It's going well!!!)

Rin: (Alright, let's keep this mood up!

The last obstacle for today!

The layer cake!!)

[Slice the sponge cake into layers and fill with jam and cream.]

(Basically, a shortcake.)

Page 21

Rin: Beat the eggs and sugar over heat over heat for 5 minutes until frothy.

Keep going until fluffy and airy.

[Ideal]

Rin: You can tell when it's finished when the mixture leaves tracks behind... (Or so it says...)

Rin: Huh?

This isn't any good...

Rin: Ehhhh~~?

The egg isn't whipping up at all...

Ryuu: (I thought it'd be any moment now, so I came to check...

But it looks like making sweets is pretty rough...)

Page 22

[20 minutes later.]

Rin: I...

Rin: I did it somehow...?

Rin: Haa... haa....

Rin: Gently mix flour into the whipped eggs using a sifter...

Then add milk to the finished batter and mix again.

Rin: When you put it in the dish, gently hit the bottom of the pan to get out any air bubbles, and put it in the oven.

Rin: Now I'll pour the custard onto the cherry pie I baked earlier,

And line it with cherries.

Page 23

Rin: Once the sponge cake is cooled, decorate it.

Rin: Okay...

Rin: Done!

Ryuu: Rin!!

Rintarou! Over here, in the garden!

Page 24

Ryuu: Let's eat over here!!!

[This is...]

[The picnic menu for traveling to the world of Anne of Green Gables.]

Page 25

[1. Raspberry cordial]

[2. Jam cookie

3. Chocolate cookie]

[4. Dried fruit and nut pound cake]

[5. Layer cake]

[6. Cherry pie]

Ryuu: It...

Ryuu: It's so high quality!! (Amazing!!)

Ryuu: Rintarou...

You really are impressive, huh... (Was this really your first time making these sweets...?)

Rin: Yeah.

Now, what to start with?

Ryuu: Hmm... Anything's fine.

Rin: !

What's that mean, just pick one!

Ryuu: I don't mean it like that.

Page 26

Ryuu: These are the confections you worked hard to make, right?

I'm sure all of them are delicious.

Rin: Then...

The layer cake.

Rin: Here.

Page 27

Rin: Why don't you call it down.

Your revelation or whatever.

Ryuu: Yeah.

Thanks for the food.

Page 29

Ryuu: ......

Ryuu: Rows...

Of apple trees?

[Just when did I get here...]

[Is this exit...

This way?]

Page 30

[An apple tree.]

(That's right.)

(The apple tree in the garden... I planted it when I'd just become an author.)

(A charm)

[To bear fruit]

Page 31

[To all sorts of creative ideas, just like that girl.]

Page 32

Rin: ....?

Rin: (Was it bad...?)

Rin: Ryuunosuke?

Page 33

Ryuu: Mm!

Ryuu: Delicious...!

Rin: Eh?

Ryuu: It's delicious!

All of it's amazingly good!

Rin: R-

Really...?

Ryuu: Really, really!

Ryuu: I just remembered

How I felt when I was just starting as an author...

Page 34

Ryuu: It's all thanks to you, Rintarou!!

Ryuu: It's really wonderful! Thank you!!

(Huh...)

Rin: (Huh?)

Rin: Eh...

Rin: Uh...

Rin: (Huh, what's with that...)

Page 35

Rin: The... job...

Ryuu: ?

Rin: (Just now, he told me "thank you"...

Big bro's gratitude...)

Rin: Well, that job... my work...

Uh, that is...

Rin: (What...

What should I do?!!)

[Man: Takatsuki-kun.

Can't you try serving the customers with more of a smile?]

[Rin: ...

I can't.]

[Ah...

I...]

(This is the first time anyone's been pleased with my work, isn't it....)

Rin: Th...

Rin: ......

Thanks.

Page 36

Rin: !!

Rin: Uwa!

Rin: The wind's picked up, huh.

Should we move back inside? Ryuunosuke.

Page 37

[Oh.

It switched on.]

Page 38

Dad: Isn't that amazing, Rintarou?

Ryuunosuke won a big award for his novel.

Dad: Amazing...

[A 16 year old's break-out work!]

Rin: (Ryuunosuke is...)

(A shut-in with way too much imagination, and he can't acclimate to society...)

(Even so, he's made an incredible amount of people happy.)

(I really...

Wanted to know what I could do, and started doing part-time jobs...)

Page 39

Rin: ...Is it good?

Rin: (I'm still no match for him...

But...)

Ryuu: Hmm?

Ryuu: Oh, yeah...

Rin: (What an absent-minded reply.)

(Making others happy isn't so bad.)

Rin: ...

Uh-huh.

Page 40

[The next day]

Rin: Eh...

What's this "Divine Revelation" on the 27th?!

Ryuu: It's an appointment...

I realized it this time. I need your power.

Rin: You liar!

Don't just decide that on your own, it's a huge pain!

Eh?

Ryuu: For a writer, you know...

You should realize that I need a new revelation one after the other...

[<-A day before the deadline.]

Rin: Wh--

Ryuu: Don't you get it?!

Rin: ......

.....

Rin: I...

Rin: I get it....

Ryuu: (Alright!) I made my appointment. That's one thing off my mind.

Ah, but I'll probably have morning and night switched around by then, so it should be in the evening!

Ryuu: Oh, if I eat too much I'll get tired, so make something light.

Even so, I want something nutritious.

Rin: ......

Ryuu: But if it's hard to digest, my concentration will....

[That was the start of a pain-in-ass event in my regular life.]

[fantasies-from-nami]

Split. Kai Scenario - Part 6.

Summary: You have a perfect life. A perfect little house, perfect little son who just went to Kindergarten for the first time and finally your more than perfect husband, whom you love more than your life. Of course that was three weeks ago. Before your husband decided to leave the family.

Word Count: 4000+

A/n: It’s here. I hope you’re not angry at me.

MY MASTERLIST  

(For mobile)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Jongin knows he’s messed up in multiple ways for the past month. Although he’s still not sure about when or which of his actions were the most wrong and which were less. And the moment he realizes that – he knows he’s lost.

For the first time in his life, Jongin is stuck. He doesn’t know how he got to the point where he is now. Neither does he know where to go from there. Was it right to come here? Has anything he’s done lately been right?

His vision is dark, he’s lost, he’s drowning but he keeps stepping deeper into the pitch black water. Every step he takes that he thinks will save him, only ruins him – and everyone around him – more.

When will it stop? When will he see the light?

It’s been a full day Jongin spent at this hotel room. He couldn’t have gone home to his parents – they’d ask about his wife and son and he definitely didn’t have the energy to explain everything to his friends – so on a repulse he went to the nearest hotel and rented a room.

It’s been a full day and he doesn’t know what he’s still doing here. Tae is probably asleep already. His wife – probably isn’t.

This bed isn’t half as comfortable or warm and it just feels plain wrong to be here – so why isn’t he just getting up and leaving? He wants to be home – so why isn’t he on his way there already?

Why did he even leave exactly? He came home a little late, that he remembers and he fought with her about something. but no, it wasn’t a fight. She just wasn’t in her best mood (something happened with her friend, or so he guessed), he wasn’t either. Then things were said in a tone harsher than usual with them. But it wasn’t anything as serious.

He remembers saying “I’ll leave then, so calm down” or something along the words. And he closed the door from the outside.

Tae had been asleep already. (Oh just how much he wants to sleep with him right now).

Then he just found himself laying on a hotel bed.

Days pass and the more horrible he feels. He’s ashamed of himself. He’s in pain. He wants to go back but he just can’t. Something is stopping him and he doesn’t even know what. During all the years he’s lived on this earth he hasn’t felt this feeling of drowning. The only thing to help him was always his family so why is he distancing himself just when he needs them?

After five days there are missed calls from her. One for each day. His face lifts up every time he sees her name appear on his screen. Followed by a picture he took a few years ago. She’s tired there. Baby Tae had been giving her a hard time with breastfeeding, so there was only so much Jongin could do to help her. But she still looked so heavenly that he could not stop himself knowing he'd see her goddess-like form every time she called.

He gets the same feeling seeing the photo now.

Only when he picks up his phone his fingers starts shaking, his heart and stomach aching.

He wants to pick up and hear her voice so much, but still whenever his finger gets close to the green button his whole body freezes.

What will he say?

Sorry? I'm an asshole? I miss you? How's my son?

He's scared. So he acts selfishly.

 Jongin's boss notices his mind that's focused on anything but work. He lets him get away with it for a few days, but soon Jongin receives a warning. He can't even finish any of his projects. That's unusual of him - everyone thinks. Even when he's not very keen on the subject he's given, Kim Jongin puts his everything to make sure he did 120% of what he could have done. But now... he can't help it. Nothing he does even reaches average quality.

Anxiety claws at his stomach.

Help comes soon though.

An intern from two floors below.

She comes, she helps and finishes it off with a wide smile. How an intern has access to the knowledge only a professional like Jongin should be expected to possess is unknown to him, She's clever - that's all he thinks right then. The project receives a thumb up from his boss, so he lets it slide. He doesn't put much thought to it.

Only after hours, when he's leaving the office, does his friend and coworker ask him about the even that previously took place.

"Fei helped you? That can't be something normal, there's definitely more to it. I mean have you seen that girl? (And Jongin wants to say that - no he hasn't. He hadn't even noticed her before.) She's still in university I think, but already climbed up here. Besides her looks make sure every male around the building is a mush beneath her feet."

Jongin looks confused.

"You haven't even noticed her, have you?" his friend chuckles when Jongin shakes his head. "Of course you haven't, she's not your type is she?" Jongin shakes his head again "Can't blame you. You have real gold waiting at home" his coworker winks and continues his way.

Jongin falls into thought. That's absolutely right. Why would he notice Fei - or whoever she is - when he had all he ever needed right there. A perfect creature for him. Fei had every man bowing to her while compared to you, there was one think he could think of - she was too much.

Oh, how he misses you.

He will now turn around and run to you. This time he's have enough power.

"Hey." a feminine voice stops him.

He looks around to be met with the same girl that helped him that day. She's tall, dressed nicely, red lipstick adorning her lips, which are curled in a smile.

"Don't mind me probably being rude, but I've noticed you never head in your usual direction. Maybe you moved houses?" maybe everyone else would have seemed like a stalker saying these words, but this lady manages to make it seem like a regular conversation.

Jongin brushes the question off.

"Anyway" she continues, "I think I helped you well today. Don't I deserve a little thank you?" Jongin raises his eyebrow. "Maybe you could take me for a coffee - I crave that."

A coffee? She definitely can't mean it as a date, she sees the ring right? If she thinking of him as an interest then she's not as clever as he thought.

Jongin doesn't refuse - he's sure this can't be anything other than the actual gesture of appreciation. How could it be anything else right?

Inside the cafe Jongin is quiet. He smiles politely from time to time and pays the bill. She acts friendly. There's something about the way she talks.

"You're strained." she says. "You definitely need to get your mind off the things that worry you."

She offers to go to a bar. But it can't really be an offer because Jongin doesn't want to go, he hates that kind of atmosphere and makes sure to express it. But she also makes sure they spend rest of the evening under heavy music and flashing lights.

  Jongin remembers the time he finally called her.

"This is the end of us." he said, that's all he knows. His mind is so blurred that he doesn't even remember her answer. Were the words exchanged after? Who ended the call? Why did he even say all that, does he feel that way? Is that what he wants?

Appearances of Fei were frequent during that period of his life, Jongin's sure of it. Suddenly she was everywhere and she spoke to him a lot. Her words are strong, Jongin thought.

 Following week Fei continues to be friendly. She's not even flirting which leads everyone around them to think she’s actually only helping Jongin with weak aspects of his work. Soon he loses contact with his friends. Or so Fei advised him.

 It's a week after when Jongin can't take it anymore. He wants home, even if he knows that he won't be welcome, at least he wants to try. He's not expecting everything to be the same. Heck, he doesn't even want his family to forgive him, but even seeing their faces would ease his heart. He doesn't deserve the ease but there's only so much limit to a person's selflessness.

He walks out of the office, his feet immediately finding the path to the direction of his home.

He's stopped midway again.

All Jongin remembers from the talk with Fei is that his previous intentions are forgotten. His mind is blurred again. After Fei is done with her tea, Jongin goes back to the hotel.

Jongin thinks it was 10 days since he's been home, when Fei kissed him. She just stepped inside his room. Jongin remembers fire in his stomach - not the pleasant one and the urge to get away. After she's done, Fei starts to talk. Then Jongin puts down his coat (wasn't he planning to go somewhere?).

Fei stays to watch a movie.

 You know you’re either going to be met by an empty living room, or an unavoidable conversation. You don’t know which one you dread more.

To your surprise (or maybe you’re not surprised at all) Jongin is sitting where you left him, at the table, his legs crossed, he’s looking at his feet. You also sit down, thinking about ways to start this talk, but he does it for you.

“I’m sorry.” he says in a voice unusual of him. What exactly is he apologizing for? As if an answer to your unvoiced question, he talks again. “Forgive me for how I just stepped inside without a word and started acting as if everything’s same as it was before.” he sighs and looks up, “I just thought sudden confrontations would be bad for Tae.”

He’s reading your thoughts, as always.

“You don’t have to apologize, I’m thankful you did that.” you sigh, “Tae’s mind and heart have been through too much for a five year old, I agree, now he just needs normal.”

He smiles, if you can call it so. You’ve never seen Jongin look so sad.

There’s silence for a while. But instead of it being awkward, you can finally feel your mind at peace. Millions of different thoughts that have been exhausting your mind for so long, finally found peace. And you wonder why? You’re not even sure if he’s staying. You’re not even sure what would be the best way to act from now on. Is he staying for good? What changed his mind? Can you trust him? Can you finally be at peace?

Then you notice his hands are shaking hysterically.

And your first reflex is of course to reach out. You can’t imagine not caring about his well-being.

“Are you sure you want to let me come back?” he asks with a strained voice and when he looks up you can finally see those bloodshot eyes.

He drops the question.

You know the answer, it has always been there, but right now, when you’re finally feeling somewhat normal, and when he is visibly shaking with unexplainable emotions - you can’t bring yourself for a big, serious speech, or decisions.

“Can you help me with the dishes?” you ask and stand but not before noticing his wide teary eyes. Though he quickly puts himself together to follow you.

You collect the plates and clean them in quiet, while Jongin dries them off with a dishcloth. You look over at him from time to time as you feel your hands touch accidentally.

Soon the awkwardness you felt around you, disappears completely and you feel yourself smiling involuntarily.

"Go on, I can take it from here." you say looking at him. He knows you don't want him to argue back so he hands you the dishcloth and slowly leaves the kitchen.

You quickly finish putting plates in the cupboard. With a big sigh, you step in the living room.

Jongin is sitting on the couch, the TV is on and although he's looking at it, you doubt he knows what's he's watching. Slowly you step closer and sit down next to him. He takes in a breath - you can hear it. He looks like he doesn't know what to do. How to act.

You don't either and you hate it. If your husband is back then you don't want to be awkward around him. You want everything to be just the way it was a month ago. Comfortable.

So you decide that the time is here. You need a talk with him, for him to explain what needs to be clear.

If he's ready, you're sure you two are going to get through this.

You reach for the remote and mute the television.

"I need you tell me something." you turn to face Jongin.

"Of course." he answers, "Anything you ask."

"I need you to look into my eyes when you say this. It will change how I act from now on, so tell me." you take in a big breath. "Are you back for good?"

He doesn't disobey - he looks at you straight in the eye and answers. "Yes."

You smile, even if you didn't plan to. That's it. The truth in his eyes, the certainty, the feeling of realness that had always been there before.

This is the reason you asked for him to look at you. You had always been able to know what Jongin felt, what he truly meant, just by the light in his eyes. But during this past month it was gone.

That's why you had known something was wrong even before he had left. You couldn't see his true self in his eyes.

Now it's back.

And you're ready to believe everything he says, because your Jongin is back. Just the thought is enough to bring tears to your eyes.

"Okay." you answer with a broken voice as you see his wet eyes mimic yours.

You unmute the TV and sink back into the couch, right next to Jongin, you feel so calm and peaceful. But when you look at him, you can see how stiff and uncomfortable he is.

You put your palm on his arm and he looks at you immediately.

"There's something eating you." You've always been able to read him like an open book. "You can tell me."

He sighs, closes his eyes, opens them again, doesn't find the peace, but then finally starts.

"I can't.. I-I can't just come here and continue to live as your rightful husband, as if nothing happened. As if I didn't do anything." He looks so pained, it almost tears you up.

"Will talking about it make it better?" you ask softly.

It's weird. All this time you thought you wanted answers from him. Why made him leave. How he could do that. What really happened or how he felt during that time, but now - now when you finally have him here, ready to say anything, you don't need it.

Or should you say, you don't need it for yourself. You can live without his explanations and apologies, but seeing him now, you know he won't feel better without getting it off his chest. Without proving himself.

You decide to prompt him further.

“Tell me about Fei.” You ask and you wonder how did you pick the worst possible question.

He’s instantly lost, doesn’t know what to say, but apparently your touch on his arm calms him.

“She’s… I don’t know how to describe her.” He takes a deep breath and continues, “Intimidating?”

You laugh as you remember your first and only encounter with the girl.

“She’s just an intern but has the authority of a high rank worker, it’s funny. I didn’t even meant for it to happen but she was suddenly in my life as a good friend trying to help out, then suddenly she gave herself a bigger title. It’s funny when I say this now but now that I think about it she didn’t even let me see my friends.” He rubs his forehead with his palm.

“When she stared talking… it’s as if she was hypnotizing me. You’ll think I’m lying but I don’t remember any single one of our conversations, or should I say I don’t remember her exact words. She just said them, and I did as she said, gosh.” He chuckled. “I let that child control me.”

“On Chanyeol’s birthday I was coming to meet you and somehow try to make things work but suddenly she tagged along and advised that introducing her as my fiancée would make her feel better, because she didn’t want my friends to think of her as a fling. Gosh, she wasn’t even a fling, she was nothing.” He sighed

“You probably think I’m pathetic and I absolutely agree. Y/N I don’t remember this past month can you believe that? How could I let it go to that extent?” you see how much he’s hurting for it, so you decide to stop him.

“I believe you.” His eyes widen at that.

“Y/N I don’t even believe myself how can you say that?”

You smile at yourself, because you’re not saying it to make him feel better. You truly believe him.

“My grandma used to tell me that before my grandpa left her for another woman, she couldn’t recognize him. She even tested him for drugs because his expression was always faltered, can you believe it?” you laugh. “I never believed her, but now I know what she was talking about. A month ago, you might have had a weak period in life. It’s true. And…” you stop to think how to continue.

“You know, I’ve met Fei.” He looks at you immediately. “Yeah, she was in a bathroom at Chanyeol’s birthday party. Now that I think about it, she knew who I was. She talked about how you were going to take your relationship to a new level, and even if I didn’t know it was you she was talking about, she scared me.” you laugh again at how silly you sound.

“Yes, she did. She has an awfully strong personality. So strong that she has control over her inferiors. That’s the first thing that came in my mind when I saw her.” I sighed before continuing. “So I’d be glad if I never see her again.” You manage to smile. It’s impossible to explain how much you hate the girl.

You sit next to Jongin for a while. It’s calm again. But although he managed to relax for a moment with your talk, you can see his strained posture once again. You can’t take it.

“You have more to say.” You state and wait. You will wait for him. You can do it.

"I don't know what to say." he starts. "I want to apologize, but will those words hold any weight?" he closes his eyes. "Will saying sorry, or forgive me make everything okay? Because I don't know what's happening inside of me, I don't know if I want you to forgive me or not, because as much as I want everything to be just the way it was, I won't be able to live with myself if I get away with something like this."

Now he's looking at you and the tears in his eyes have finally started falling down his cheeks.

"I had everything I ever needed and more than that, and I actually left the two of you." he laughs. "Can you imagine, I did something that was so far from logic because every second away from you two was raw torture. So why?" He raises his voice, although calms down knowing his son is sleeping in the next room.

"Why did I do it?" he whispers. "Why did I tear your trust completely? Why did I hurt you and Tae so much, when keeping you safe and happy was all I ever wanted to do?"

You listen to him, and realize that nothing has ever had as much impact on you as his words are having now.

"Now that I'm in this house again, you know what I'm scared of?" he asks quietly. His voice is so raw and so truthful how does he doubt you trusting it? "I'm scared that nothing I say will ever hold weight again. I want to promise you that I'll make up for this and that I'll protect you till I'm dead but how will you be able to trust me?" he sighs and adds, "I already broke my promise once didn't I?"

"How will I ever teach Tae anything? I won't ever be able to trust myself, Y/N, I'm not even talking about forgiving myself, that's out of the question." Tears are freely streaming down his face at this point. Your heart is hurting, because you know that now he's saying the truth. Whether it's his fault or not, he's in regret and he's hurting.

"Jongin, we can't be like this." you say as you hold his hand. His teary eyes widen in confusion. "Probably like you, I want to continue living, peacefully, like it was before. I want Tae to have properly functioning parents. I want to have a properly functioning husband and nothing will come out of this if you're still in shame."

You take a deep breath and continue.

"I know it will be hard for you, but I need you to be strong enough to forgive yourself. If you're planning to stay with us forever, like you said, then you must make sure we're not met with constant reminders of what torture we went through, over and over again."

He's looking at you in awe, but confusion and uncertainty is still somewhere there in his eyes.

"When Tae grows up, these memories will partially vanish from his mind, but your love, care your constant presence as a father will make sure the memories aren't painful. Will you be able to do that for him?" you ask.

His eyes smile for a second before answering "I will."

"Now as for me, I've been through a lot too, you've put me through a lot I won't lie, and right now I'm probably more insecure than I've ever been in my whole life, so that's why I need your help." you sigh again. "I need you here. I need the you that I know and love. From tomorrow morning I don't want to ever be reminded of this past month. I don't want you to apologize, or beat yourself up for what you did. I need you to make me feel how loved I really am, if it's still there inside you." at that his grip on your hand tightens.

"If you're ready for that, in return I'll promise not to remind of it either. If or when we argue in the future, I promise I won't hold it as a grudge, I won't ever hold it against you.You won’t be the husband to left me alone."

You look him in the eye and manage a small smile. "Will you be able to do that for me?" you ask him now.

He doesn't know what to answer. First of all for the fact that you know he doesn't feel like he deserves for all this to be forgotten. But you know, what you're asking him to do, will be even harder for Jongin.

But you know it's the only way for your happiness.

"Y/N are you sure you're ready to forgive me? Are you sure you want me to come back?" he still asks.

"Only if you never ask me that question, ever again." you say.

He looks down, for a moment but when your eyes meet again, he's full of determination as he answers. "I will. I will be able to do that."

A smile graces your features as you hear that and realize that your hold on each other has tightened.

"Jongin," you whisper, as he holds you. "If we're able to go through this, nothing will ever be able to separate us."

Jongin leaves a soft kiss on your head as an answer, and it's more than enough.

Finally you've got back what was missing.

Finally you're warm again.

You can already see the disappointed eyes of your friends, and their voices, saying you should have been more proud, that you should have held yourself to a higher price.

Saying he would have never deserved your forgiveness.

A part of you, although a small one, agrees.

And that part would probably be a lot bigger, had you been alone.

But you have a son, and you've already seen how horrible he feels without his dad. You won't ever have the guts to deny him of his father.

But there's also you. And your unmeasurable love for Jongin. And Jongin? He's here now. And you're absolutely sure by the look in his eyes that he's not going anywhere.

If this decision you made today, will decide if you'll be alone or with a husband and a proper family in 10 years, than you're happy you've made it.

Life is never easy.

And you've always guessed - the more obstacles you are able to go through - the stronger and happier you become.

If you and Jongin will be able to continue your love, (and right now, in his arms, you're sure of it) then you can't even imagine how much stronger it will become.

Because you already love him more than you've ever loved before.

He feels the same, you know it.

Life isn't supposed to be filled with happiness only. The darker sides are also a part of it and also deserve to be embraced equally. It's true that you won't forget what Jongin did. But why should you? You've already forgiven him, you see the regret in his eyes.

From today on, this memory won't be painful, but rather a reminder of what your love was powerful enough to go through. And although it will be hard, you have all the time in the world to gain what you’ve lost.

You fall asleep in Jongin's arms and dream of the sweetest dreams you've seen yet. Hearing the beat of his heart, you know he feels the same.

a/n: i know a lot of you will be angry at me for this, so please come at me with all the criticism you’ve got, i want to take all of it. please tell me how you felt reading this.

[recentanimenews]

Tearmoon Empire, Vol. 3

By Nozomu Mochitsuki and Gilse. Released in Japan as “Tearmoon Teikoku Monogatari” by TO Books. Released in North America digitally by J-Novel Club. Translated by David Teng.

When we last left Mia, it appeared that she had managed to avoid her dreadful fate – indeed, the author says what we all guessed in the afterword of this book – it was supposed to be two volumes originally. But the series grew to be quite popular (there’s even a live-action stage musical coming out in Japan), and so Mia’s story lives on! Because Mia may have avoided the guillotine as a young bratty princess, but that doesn’t mean she can’t later be killed off as an adult! And so we now get Mia’s granddaughter Bel, who has traveled back in time to avoid her own horrific fate, because 50 years on or so, the whole of Tearmoon Empire has gone to hell again. There’s only one way to fix this and keep Mia from a horrible fate… she has to defeat the Saint, Rafina, and become Student Council President!… wait, what?

Most of the book has what made the first two books so much fun. Mia trying to act selfishly and failing; Mia’s actions being completely misinterpreted by everyone around her. The snarky narrator is there but does not seem quite as mean or nasty to Mia this time around. That said, Mia is not magically a good and noble-hearted person; she’s still growing up and trying to mature, and it’s a slow process because she doesn’t want to. When it’s suggested that she can use negative campaigning to win the election against Rafina, she’s thrilled, as the idea had never occurred to her! Of course, this is then balanced out by her realization that this sort of thing was also done against her in his first life, and she absolutely hated it. As a result, she refuses. She also has an excellent memory for names… we see her groping to recall someone’s name a few times in this book, but unlike other heroines of this type, she always gets it right. Her instincts usually steer her correct.

As for the rest of the cast, I was rather surprised at how little an effect Bel had on the plot. As Mia’s granddaughter, you’d expect her to be taking over having to replace the timeline, but she is there mostly as she ran away rather than to fix things, and she’s also four years younger than Mia. As a result, she’s there to be cute, occasionally tell Mia what life was like in the future, and be cute. (Yes, I said cute twice.) The other major character here is Rafina, and the reader gradually realizes, before Mia, why Mia’s winning the election is so important – Rafina is stretched too thin and has no one she can trust as a friend. In the future, this leads to tragedy and hardens her heart. Here (again via misunderstanding Mia… stay on brand, Tearmoon) she realizes what Mia is trying to do and acquiesces. There’s also a sneering villain sort of character (no, the book really describes him as this) who gets taken down by Mia, almost accidentally, immediately. Both he and Rafina benefit from having “please forgive me for my own mistakes” be thought of as “please forgive OTHERS for their own bad choices”.

Another thing I really enjoy about this series its its forays into the ‘Bad End’ pasts (or rather futures) of the characters. Anne visiting Mia in prison is a short story that is truly sweet and tearjerking. And Dion gets most of the last fifth of the book – first in the second bad future, showing him fighting to the death so Bel can escape to allies, and then in the present, as he delivers a missive to Mia and also has her show him around the city. It’s a good reminder that, while Mia is usually pretty good at covering up her airheadedness, not everyone is 100% under her spell – Dion does misinterpret her actions, but he also thinks that her face is that of someone “not thinking anything at all”. This also leads to the other tearjerking moment in the book, when Bel hugs Dion and thanks him for saving her, something which he is rather nonplussed by (as he hasn’t done it yet). Tearmoon Empire can be hilarious, but I also love the sweet heartfelt bits.

This is not quite as top-tier as the second book in the series, but it’s definitely a solid read, with well written and translated prose. The fourth book suggests Mia’s school she set up in Book 2 is not going as well as hoped. The good news is that we only have to wait three months rather than 5 for the next volume. Highly recommended.

By: Sean Gaffney

[judeesill]

on the whole buria situation

i didn’t want to say anything because i didn’t want to fan the fire but shes been posting screenshots with my full name and the posts about it are getting some (albeit limited) traction so i feel like i have to at least state my side of things

like most of you, i am very committed to resisting racism and abuse particularly in our feminist circles so i’m really hurt by these incredibly false allegations. i want to present my side of the story because i feel like it’s not fair of buria to say such inflammatory things about me and my friends without any evidence and i think the fact that allegedly radical women are willing to share them is incredibly suspect, given how much our community talks about the cultish callout culture of liberal feminism. i realise that if these allegations were true it would be deeply fucked up, but i maintain that what happened is not exactly what buria has said. i also do admit that i as a white women am certainly still in the process of unlearning racism and acknowledging my white privilege but racism was absolutely not a factor in anything that transpired on my end. i was acting out of concern for a friend (the much-maligned max mason) who is a survivor of abuse and trauma and who has very much been misrepresented in this situation, and who, like me, is nearly a decade younger than buria.

i’m going to tell this story in vaguely chronological order because that’s the only way i know how. i also don’t have access to screencaps rn but i can summarize them to the best of my ability here and will provide them upon request

buria and i met a few months ago at an irl radfem happy hour in nyc, we talked for a bit and got along fairly well and were thereafter connected on social media

a few weekends ago, a friend of ours organised a protest at the 2017 left forum against the cancellation of a gender critical panel. i was working the left forum and had a lot of people i knew there that i didn’t want to know i was involved, so i avoided being seen with them and instead went inside to find a reporter that had mentioned wanting to talk to them. buria has since made this an example of my racism because i was avoiding women of color, but i would have avoided them regardless of race because i was worried for my personal and professional safety. i know there were some reservations about my micromanaging that action because i drafted the statement we gave out and kind of ran logistics, and i admit i was being kind of bossy but it was 100% bout wanting the action to go well and (i admit, selfishly) wanting to preserve my reputation. i feel like that’s not relevant to this situation, but she’s brought it up so i’m going to clarify.

anyway, a few days later buria became the mod of an nyc lesbian group that the other woman at lf–let’s call her A–was also involved in and they got in an argument bc buria immediately blocked a woman who posted something about bdsm/seeking a sub, and the A said she should have asked the other mods. this spurred her to accuse A (a radical feminist lesbian woc) of being a pedophile apologist/rape apologist/etc.

Buria then messaged Max, a mutual friend of both A and myself, to complain. this is where things get hairy. Max used to be briefly employed as a pro-domme, and from what i can tell she wasn’t involved in sex but just like. whipping dudes. either way that was a short time a long time ago and she is now very much against the kink community, and is a radical feminist. max told buria this, mostly to be like, “full disclosure, i used to be involved in this and think it’s fair to let you know, and also i have experience here, i know what these people are like, i can step in and talk to these women”

this upset buria, who then started harassing max about her involvement and saying that she was a rape apologist, violent, etc. she accusingly asked why max had been involved, apparently ignoring the effects of socialized femininity and grooming, and started harassing her for having been involved because apparently that means she’s inherently an abuser and not to be trusted. mind you, i know max quite well and i know she has a lot of regret over this and as i stated above, is an anti-bdsm radical feminist. buria just wasn’t hearing it. she was relentless and at one point max was fed up and was like “i hope this [attacking me] is cathartic for you” and buria took this as mocking. yeah, it was a little sarcastic, but buria was ruthless and horrible to max.

at this point she messaged me in a ploy to accrue some sympathy because she knows max and i are friends. i take accusations of abuse and violence very seriously, so i started off willing to listen to buria and confront max if need be, but it became clear i wasn’t getting the whole story. i told buria i would deal with it later because i was at work and didn’t have time to reach out to max. finally i realised something wasn’t sitting well with me because i know max is not an abuser in the way buria as describing so i talked to her and heard about all the ways buria had been harassing and triggering her. she texted and fb messaged and found other ways to attack max, and i was like. this is not cool

at this point, i started to ignore buria because i didn’t want to further engage. at one point like the next day she messaged me that was on some “lyndie england guantanamo style shit” which pissed me off because it’s so false and disingenuous and really shitty of her to compare what max has been thru and has in fact been a victim of to something that horrible? so i was a little snarky and asked “literally how” then unfriended her. 

then she posted a long rant calling max a rapist in our irl radfem group, and when people were like whoa hey this is a big accusation can you explain what’s going on she turned on everyone in the comments. people tried to reach out to her and she turned on them too. the last straw was when she began to harass an 18yo friend of mine who really doesn’t need any more shit to deal with, especially not from a woman over ten years older than her. she also found my email address through my university and sent me harassing, accusatory emails, and as you’ve seen, has been posting my name and the names of other women to tumblr.

i’m not trying to call her crazy or irrational because i realise she is a mentally ill trauma survivor but that does not excuse her terrible behaviour. apparently she has done this to other women in the past in various radfem circles on tumblr and facebook, and this time it’s really unfortunate that it’s happening in real life. not to play the “i’m an innocent teenager” card but like. in this case i’m literally innocent and literally a teenager and i am incredibly uncomfortable with the smear campaign she has been waging against my friends and i out of a personal vendetta (won’t get into the details but i feel like this is literally a revenge fantasy for her given some past stuff w her and max). she’s turned on me because i’m an easy target because i indulged her for so long and she knows she can call me racist and ableist and an abuser or whatever and have people side with her and like? that’s fine i am white and neurotypical and definitely not a perfect person but she’s also doing this to women of color and trauma survivors and mentally ill women so i really just can’t sit by while she pulls this shit and so-called radical feminists indulge her bullshit

anyway. sorry for this long stupid personal essay please message me if u have any other concerns i guess i just want this to be over !!!!!

[imagines-dreams]

Life-Changing Part 1 - Luke Skywalker Imagine

Rating: PG, but the second part will definitely not be PG

Warnings: mentions of a missing person/mentor

Summary: Darth Vader was gone, but the Empire persists. Luke, who is well-known in many galaxies, wants to do his part and teach others. His first student is you.

Word Count: 2522

Luke had had many life-changing moments. When he met Ben, when he met Yoda, when he found out who his father was. When Ben died. When Yoda was dying. When his father died. When he found out he had a sister. All within a few years.

Even after Darth Vader’s defeat, life kept on changing.

“Master Luke, that’s her. She’s been training here, but I do believe it would be in both of your best interests for you to train her first. Not only is she the oldest, she is the most capable. Teach her, and she can begin teaching others along with you.”

Luke looked into the courtyard. You wielded the lightsaber with a gentle hand. However, you were clumsy and some strikes were too strong or weak. You had great reflexes. Every target got hit, just not with good timing and efficiency. You had raw talent, but you needed a teacher. Luke had to admit, you were much better than he was when he first had a lightsaber in his hand. He turned to the castle servant. “What happened to her previous mentor?”

Taj sighed. “Missing.”

“How long?”

“Many moons. We presume Master Una’s dead.”

Luke nodded. Remembering his own losses, he whispered, “(Y/n) must be torn.”

“She tried to find her, but no one believed it was safe. She was forbidden to search for the Jedi on her own.” Taj stared at you in the field. “We hope that you can help those here, Master Luke.”

Luke smiled. He patted Taj’s shoulder. “You can just call me Luke.”

“Of course, Luke.” Taj smiled and bid the Jedi goodbye.

Luke had had many life-changing moments, but meeting you was the moment he never saw coming. You were fighting dummies, slashing through fake monsters and jumping over wooden obstacles. Luke stood by the sides and watched your form and technique. You really were talented. You just needed some practice and some real-life experience.

Suddenly, a glowing light was pointed right at Luke. He flinched. However, it wasn’t because a lightsaber was inches from his neck. It was because your eyes were pools so deep and intense, Luke began to understand what it meant to feel truly and utterly lost in someone else.

You were so beautiful.

You had just finished a workout. Your hair was a mess. Your breath was uneven. Maker, what more if you were not training beforehand?

Wait, your lips were moving. What would happen if that one forgotten question leads you to dislike him, maybe hate him? To have you hate him before you got to know him, that was horrible. He’d never get to know you. He’d never get to help you through losing your mentor. He’d never get to laugh, smile, enjoy time with you. And train you. Of course, train you. He had to train you.

Luke stuttered, “I’m sorry. Uh, what.. What did you say?”

Your gaze intensified. “I said, ‘Who are you?’” You turned off your lightsaber and placed it back on your belt. “And what are you doing here?” You crossed your arms and nodded at him.

The man shook his head. “Uh, Luke Skywalker. I’m a Jedi. I’m here to continue your, uh, training.”

Your stony gaze disappeared. You tilted your head and smiled a little. “First student?”

Luke’s eyes widened. He laughed awkwardly before shuffling his feet. “That obvious?”

“A bit.” You blew some hair out of your face. “Come on.”

Luke rushed a little to catch up. “Wait!”

“What?”

When your eyes focused on him, he completely forgot his question. He blinked in an effort to break whatever spell he was under, but Luke couldn’t escape. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

You smiled a little. “Luke?”

The Jedi breathed, “I never got your name.”

“(Y/n) (Y/l/n), your first student.”

He beamed.

Luke never knew where you would take him. You were talented and witty and strong, and he couldn’t help falling in love with you. He found himself doing you little favors without you asking. When you were too busy to think about eating, he left your meal on your desk. After training was over, he’d help treat your wounds. When you woke up from nightmares, Luke stayed with you as you fell asleep.

Soon, you were doing the same little favors. It became as common as breathing. When you were done training late and Luke was passed out on the couch, you covered him with a blanket and place a pillow under his head. After Luke wraps bandages your cuts and ices your bruises, you insist on helping him with his. When he woke up from nightmares of his past battles, you were there to remind him where he was and who he was.

If something was forgotten, both of you would feel the emptiness and try everything to fill it.

Then, your mentor was spotted. Everything changed.

It was in the middle of the night.

“(Y/n)!”

You opened the door. “It is not past sunrise, and I swear-”

“Master Una’s been spotted.”

Your heart dropped right into your stomach. “What? Una, are you sure?”

“Yes! The Captain has asked for you personally.”

“When do I leave?”

“Now.”

You froze. “Now?”

“Yes, now!” Taj glanced back at the hallway. “Ten more minutes max, (Y/n). Be sure to hurry!”

You nodded and packed your things. As you trudged through the hallways with a bag over your shoulder, you passed by Luke’s room. Its door was open. You had already placed a blanket over him, but, as usual, he had kicked it off.

You tilted your head and slowly stepped into his room. When Luke had nightmares, he usually woke up immediately. You selfishly wished that a nightmare would plague him so he could wake up and you could tell him. He didn’t.

You took your jacket off and laid it across Luke’s sleeping form. You kissed his cheek and left. You had to find Una.

Luke woke up. He was confused at first because usually when he woke up, it was in the middle of the night and he had just had a nightmare. But, it was nearly dawn. There was also some strange material covering him. A piece of clothing?

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and lifted the weird material up so he could see it. His eyes widened. He rubbed his eyes again. No. What happened? Luke got out of bed and ran straight to your room. An empty room. “No,” he whispered. “(y/n)?” He searched the entire base, courtyard, and gardens, but you were nowhere to be found.

“Taj, where is she?”

“I cannot tell you, Luke. But, I can say that she is trying to find Master Una. She was spotted a few-”

“Please, Taj, she could be in danger. What if she went to find Una like she was warned not to? What if she’s in danger right this second?”

“Luke, please, I assure you, (Y/n) is perfectly fine.”

Luke gulped. “Taj, please, where is she?”

The servant relented after seeing the desperation in the Jedi’s eyes. “Una had been spotted. A Captain had asked for (Y/n)’s involvement personally.”

“That’s insane!” Luke grit his teeth. “She is too close to that mission. She’d act on emotions.”

“Similarly to how you acted with your father?”

He froze. Luke’s breath faltered as he tried to wrap his head around the fact that you were gone. “Taj, where is she?”

“Even I do not know of (Y/n)’s whereabouts.”

Luke clenched his fists. “How can I help her?”

“By staying here, Luke.”

“Me staying here doesn’t help (Y/n).”

“Yes, it does. I mean, look,” Taj pointed at your sweater, “she’s worried about you. If you leave and she finds out, then she’ll go crazy, lose her focus, and put herself in more danger.” He sighed. “Please, Luke, just wait. She should be back in a few days.”

“A lot can happen in a few days, Taj.”

“And what are you going to do?”

“Find her. Find Una. Bring both of them back and-”

Taj argued, “No one will give you the information. Just because you killed Darth Vader for the rebellion doesn’t mean they’ll give you a free pass to all intel.”

Luke kept on pacing. He pulled at his hair and clenched his fists. He tried to quell his fear. Fear led to the Dark Side after all, but how could he not be scared? Maker, it was scarier than when he first met you.

The servant stared at your jacket. “Luke, think about how she’d feel if she knew you went looking for her. She’d be beside herself.”

Luke stared at your jacket. He held it to his chest and breathed in deeply. “Fine.”

You were in the desert of some uninhabitable planet with a cloth covering your mouth and a lightsaber in your hand. Five other people were with you. Two others were Jedi Knights, while the other four were students like you. Even though your mind was reeling with facts and clues and profiles, you kept on thinking back to Luke and how you left him with only your jacket. Why didn’t you wake him up? He might’ve been out of base already and headed straight towards you.

Luke was the kindest person in the galaxy, but he was a bit impulsive.

You grit your teeth. “Are you sure she was spotted here?”

“The lieutenant was sure of it.,” one of your teammates responded.

You loved Una, you did. She was your mentor. The one who found you and trained you. The woman who helped you become you.

However, it had been months since she went missing and months since you began training. You counted on your fingers. Una had been missing for over a year. You thought back to the temple and your fellow students and Luke. You missed Luke. You missed your younger classmates and the younglings. You even missed Taj and his annoying habit of waking you up on rest days early in the morning. You wanted to believe Una was still alive, but was there any point?

Days turned into weeks. Luke was beside himself. He didn’t want to train the younglings or the other students until he finished your training. He didn’t want to take on missions of any sort until you came back. He didn’t want to do … anything until he was by your side.

You were worried. Una may had been spotted, but there was no sign of any life on that deserted planet. You were worried about your fellow students back at the temple. You were always like an older sister to them, and you never were away for long. And despite the servants being servants, they’ve become family, too. You knew they’d be worried.

Then, there was Luke. you’d never been away from Luke for long, either. And you felt like you were a child in that situation, so helpless and confused. Was Luke missing you, too? Were you the only one missing him? Maybe he left. Maybe he was bored and wanted a way out anyway.

A month passed, and a general ordered you to go back to training. If Master Una was there, she would’ve shown some sign of being there.

“(Y/n)!”

“Master (Y/n)’s back!”

“Come on!”

Children of all ages crowded around you and asked several questions from the mission to new foods. You faked a smile and gratefully answered their questions. After a month, you craved socializing with those from the temple. It settled the guilt in your gut from not finding Master Una.

“(Y/n)?”

That voice, so soft and gentle, but everyone knew who it was. The students parted, and just like that, your eyes fell on Luke. Your fake smile grew in size and became genuine. You breathed a sigh of relief, and, without hesitation, you rushed forward.

Luke bounded towards you and welcomed you with open arms.

You jumped right into his awaiting hug and breathed, “I thought you’d leave.”

“What?” Luke pulled away from you and brushed stray strands of hair out of your face. “Why would I leave the most naturally gifted and most beautiful…” He took a deep breath, and you had time to stare into his crystal blue eyes. You hadn’t been to an ocean, but because of Luke you didn’t need to visit planets with oceans to imagine it.

Then, Luke’s lips pressed against yours.

You gasped a little. Before you could react to his action, Luke pulled away. He stared at you with wide eyes. “I-I uh,” he stuttered, “I’m sorry. That was completely, um,” He pulled his hands away from you and looked behind him, “that was uncalled for. My fault. I-”

You reached out for him. “Luke-”

“I’m sorry.” Then, he ran off.

You ran right after him. “Luke!” You stopped when you saw Luke gathering a myriad of things from his room. You blinked. He was frazzled, obviously. Going from one corner to the next then back to the previous, dropping some trinkets in the process.

Your jacket was on his bed, almost laid out and rumpled like a blanket. Your cheeks warmed up. You picked up the jacket.

Luke’s steps stopped. “I, uh, meant to return that. You can have it back.”

You laughed a little and draped the jacket over your shoulders. You giggled. ‘It was always big for me.” You shrugged it off and handed it to him. “You should have it.”

Luke hesitated. He reached out, retreated, then stared at you. With a small smile, he grabbed the jacket and held it close. “Sorry, I… it was the only way I could remember you while you were… out.”

You nodded. “Of course.” You awkwardly tapped your fingers against your arms. You turned around. Your gnawing and annoying heart stopped you. What were you doing? You whipped around and as soon as you reached Luke, you pressed your lips against his quickly. Then, you froze. You weren’t sure what to do.

You felt Luke’s gaze on you. You gulped. “Can I-”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

Luke nodded. You leaned in and kissed him again. Luke sighed against your lips before smiling and kissing you back. His hands reached up and gently cupped your cheeks.

You laughed and held onto his shoulder. You pulled him as close as you could, and Luke even moaned in response. That one sound sent you in a frenzy, and when Luke kissed you harder, you opened your eyes because of his intensity. You had known him for a few months, but you never thought Luke was capable of such actions. Not that you minded. No, you didn’t mind at all.

Suddenly, Luke pulled away with flushed cheeks and shocked eyes. “Sorry. I, uh,” he laughed a little.

You raised an eyebrow. Then, you realized Luke was probably embarrassed. “No, it’s ok.” You lifted his chin so he looked at you. “I loved it.”

That was how many in the temple lost bets and how many others won bets. Taj won the most.

It’s been a while! Phew, graduations’s been complicated guys. and getting college housing and stuff. Wow, lots of budgeting and stuff, but yeah, hopefully this long imagine makes up. There will be another part! (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself, and I’m too lazy to go over it and cut stuff out.)

Anyway, enough rant for me. I’ll see you all again soon. Have a brilliant day, guys!

EDIT: Part 2 was posted within an hour of this part… yeah…

[shadowofhapiness]

Shards Of Ice (17/20)

Summary: When princess Anna finds herself gifted a personal slave for her twentieth birthday, her life changes, as she becomes fascinated with the broken girl she’s been given as a servant. Discovering her present’s supernatural abilities and how she was forced to conceal them, Anna just might be able to help Elsa heal, offering her the one thing she’d always been denied, love. [Elsanna]

AN: A bit of a premature resolution to the angst at the end there, but I'm hoping to fit that in to the next chapter. In the meantime, here's a lot of panic and Anna realizing what type of a life she really wants (hint, it doesn't really involve a crown ;)). 

Rated: T

Word Count: ~ 5.900 words (~ 79.300 total)

Fanfiction.net - Archive Of Our Own

Race Against The Clock

The atmosphere in the room was absolutely stifling, and that was putting it lightly.

Anna knew she ought not to have expected anything else –this even was really important, it was for her, it was for the noble families (who had come a very long way for some) to welcome her into her new place in society and was a chance for her to get to know them a little better at the same time- but the big fuss, while it had initially beheld some sort of a thrill for her and had gradually become something she’d been looking forward to, she now realized, rather ironically, that she couldn’t wait for the whole thing to be over and done with so she could run away, back to her own safe private bedroom where she knew she would be shielded from all of those expectant gazes.

Never one to be really shy around people whether they be familiar or mere strangers, it was rather uncomfortable how small this was making her feel just picturing herself, in the chair while surrounded by so many people, and as Anna watched the servants pass by with a copious plate filled to the brink in their hands (sometimes carefully balancing it and almost having it fall, much to the amusement of the younger princes seated at the front rows) and the sheer number of different guests that had turned up, the knowledge that each and every one of them no doubt had expectations of her –ones they hoped she would fulfill since it would be her duty once she stepped into her father’s place- and the sudden weight of it all crashing down onto her shoulders almost left her wanting for breath for an instant.

Keep it together, Anna, easy does it.

And through it all, that was definitely the worst part of it: keeping it together, showing them all what they wanted to see while at the same time, she felt like falling to pieces on the inside. Oh, Anna wanted to do right by them, live up to her father’s name and legacy, make her parents proud, but as she now felt more isolated than ever, she begun to realize the sheer size of the task at hand (one she would have to undertake alone), and more importantly, just how overwhelming it was. Even the deep calming breath she tried to take in order to convince herself that everything would be okay and that everything would be fine and that everything would work out wasn’t enough this time around.

It was in moments like this that she felt a pang of loss at the fact that she couldn’t simply be Anna, the real woman with a personal life and with her own feelings and emotions, the actual person who stood behind the title of ‘princess and heir to Arendelle’, and that she instead had to suppress all of that inner struggle for everyone else’s sake. The only one person she’d ever managed to let down that carefully crafted façade with had been Elsa –but those distant bittersweet memories, while she cherished them still, were just that, distant memories- and when scanning the crowd in the hopes of maybe spotting her among the guests and the few selected servants that had been tasked with serving them all food and drink throughout the evening turned out to be naught but a disappointment, Anna felt more alone than ever.

They didn’t understand. She didn’t blame them, but as she watched all of the Southern and Western nobles cheering (at the top of their lungs for certain, who must have already been slightly too indulgent with the wine), talking heartily, laughing at some clever twist of tongue or an inside joke she could definitely not hope to make out from where she sat and all around basking in what was, for them at least, a festive atmosphere, without so much as even sparing a glance in her direction –turning a blind eye to her panic, to the building anxiety in her chest and the overall loneliness Anna was drowning in, the whole lot hidden behind a carefully crafted mask- the princess was envious and, not for the first time that evening did she wish she could just partake in their levity, because seeing them all like this (simply having a good time), while Anna was definitely relieved they seemed pleased with the evening so far, she just selfishly wished for a moment that she could have that too. This was supposed to be a special day for her, was it really too much to ask for?

“You don’t seem to be doing so well.” Has said quietly from beside her, leaning his head in so as to not have to risk someone potentially overhearing them, and it took Anna a moment to actually process the fact that he was talking to her, the buzzing noise of the room certainly not accommodating any kind of small talk. “You need anything?”

I need a breath of fresh air. I need Elsa. But again, to her dismay, the blonde hadn’t magically popped up when her eyes quickly swept over the room for the second time in not even five minutes (was she really that desperate for her to be there? Anna guessed she probably was, at this point).

“You really do like her, don’t you?”

Anna’s panic came to a momentary halt, because damn it, Hans certainly wasn’t supposed to pick up on the fact that she still wasn’t over the ruined potential of what she and Elsa could have –might have, under different and more favorable circumstances-been, but it seemed the Southerner was much more perceptive a chap than she’d initially given him credit for. “Now really isn’t the time for-“

“Now might be the only time.” He whispered tersely, all levity to the conversation suddenly evaporating into thin air. Anna fully turned to him then, not too sure as to what exactly could have prompted him to chose to do so. “Look, you and I, we aren’t all that different from one another, a prince and a princess, we spent most of our childhood with people telling us how to act and what to say, we have big expectations placed on our shoulders and a noble name to live up to which comes before anything else. It’s not the most peachy of lives, but it’s ours. The thing is, you still have a choice, you can still walk away from it if you want to, you can just about do anything until you decide to make that speech in front of all of those people and making the whole thing an official matter. It’s not too late to turn back if it’s what you really want.”

Anna looked down, gave herself a moment to let all of that sink in.

It was nice to have someone like Hans, someone stuck in the same position as her, someone who truly understood how horrible this dilemma she was facing was. Looking back on it, Anna really hadn’t thought things through when she’d called things off with Elsa, she had thought it would be easy (just focus on your duties, forget the heart, throw yourself into the role a hundred percent and everything would turn out all right. Well, look how well that turned out), but when she woke up at ungodly hours in the morning by herself, other half of the bed empty where someone used to fill it, when the ache in her heart at how utterly alone she felt became too unbearable to deal with at times, when the brightest highlights of her days had become those tiny fractions of moments when she’d catch a fleeting glimpse of Elsa’s arm, the end of her braided blonde hair or even the tail of her signature purple dress (just knowing she’d been there) or –when she was lucky enough- the short actual conversations they’d had the opportunity to have, those were the most cherished of memories Anna had of the last few weeks. It only now dawned on her that those had been the moments where she’d felt at home, where she’d felt like Anna, like she was whole since this whole ceremonial business had begun, and despite the efforts she had been dong to control herself, those memories hadn’t faded away in the slightest. As a matter of fact, Anna felt that she was missing Elsa now more than ever.

“I-I can’t.” Anna stuttered half-heartedly, voice definitely lacking in conviction as the words she’d told herself over and over once again made it past her lips. “I wish I could, but I can’t, I don’t have a choice in this.”

This conversation was certainly starting to shape into something she didn’t want.

“I owe it to all of them, those people, they need me, I’ll have to lead them one day, it’s important that I follow in my father’s footsteps and take up his mantel when he will no longer be able to carry it, it’s my duty as princess and heir to the throne of Arendelle, and if the crown comes at the expense of something or someone I was personally attached to –am personally attached to-, well there isn’t much that can be done for it, I simply have to accept it.”

She shot him a strained smile, hoping that he would understand that there truly was no other alternative to this situation that she could think of. People like her, they didn’t have the luxury of going against notions such as duty and tradition, no matter what, surely Hans could understand that.

Glancing back at him, the Prince seemed to have gone quite sullen, eyes strained on his half filled plate as if hoping the appetizing looking food would put him in a better mood, as he kept quiet. Turning back to her own one, Anna wished for the same, for she was quickly finding that there wasn’t much to be happy about in all of this bar maybe living up to her family’s name. Elsa, although she had kept a hopeful eye out for her, still hadn’t shown up, and Oleg… Gods only knew where he’d gotten lost, the empty chair next to her mother still stuck out like a sore thumb and while she doubted her cousin would show up this late, Anna hoped that she’d be able to catch him later to have a word with him about it, and he better have a damn good excuse up his sleeve for missing out on all of this or she wasn’t going to let him live it down, ever.

Anna smiled grimly as she imitated her father, lifting her glass and ducking her head as she acknowledged the room’s enthusiastic toast to her good health, success and bright future (and she quickly found out that she really didn’t like being at the center of attention of such a large crowd)and brought the drink to her lips, the sweet smell the only highlight of this, thus far, rather gloomy evening.

Her dress had begun to itch, the costly fabric grating against her skin beneath and for the third time already, Anna held back the sudden urge to finger it slightly to dislodge the discomfort. The last person to have touched the fabric there had been Elsa, and, as she looked down at her sleeve, Anna could still picture the other girl’s creamy pale skin, her long and delicate fingers carefully adjusting her cuffs so they sat perfectly on her wrist, embracing it’s form, wanting not only for the ceremony to be perfect but for Anna to feel perfect too. In her silent gratitude, Anna drowned out the rest of the noise in the background, as she all too willingly let her gaze be captured by the edge of her sleeve and tried to put herself back in her very own room –away from all the noise, away from the crowd- back to a safe place, where it was just her and Elsa.

It had been intimate, such simple and ordinary gestures they had repeated over and over  every day of their life, but there had been something special in the way Elsa had let her finger trail on her shoulder gently as she adjusted the fabric (maybe she was even reluctant to break contact, or maybe that was simply Anna making things up in her own mind, reading too much into it) and it had been like Elsa was treating her like delicate glass, like she was performing a sacred ritual between the two of them –something nobody else was ever to by privy to-, pouring all of her heart into her meticulous task. Anna leaned back in her chair, reminiscing over the swell in her chest at just how much it was moments like these that made her feel so content in merely being alive. Moments where neither of them had needed to utter a sound yet love and utter devotion to one another had been written across both of their features.

And that, was what she missed the most right now, that sense of wholeness, of being with someone who understood her fully and who she, in turn, sort of understood back, the whole reciprocity of the thing that went far beyond gentle to passionate kisses and exchanged “I love yous”. The people here –and more importantly, one person among them, was probably to be her future husband –or at least, both her parents strongly hoped that to be the case- but they wouldn’t understand that connection, she and said stranger wouldn’t ever be able to build that bond she and Elsa had because, well, they weren’t Elsa. Anna wouldn’t marry any of those handsome and undoubtedly charming young men out of love, and the lack of a connection between them (which would be something mutual, she to him and him to her) would forever dig an ever growing whole they wouldn’t be able to mend. Never mind the hole she could feel growing in her heart at the prospects of such a life, a life of constant dissatisfaction because the one person she knew would be able to fill it would forever be out of her grasp.

Anna didn’t want this –the mask, the coldness, the distance, the sheer lack of true love that went along with taking up the crown- and as her hand clenched over her knew as she took in all of the utter fakeness of it all, she felt like running, wanted to run far away as she could of something that was completely not her, and which was not the future she wanted to be trapped in until she eventually died at a miserable old age, without ever having had the chance to truly live beforehand. The entrance door was right ahead of her, behind the sea of guests, taunting her with an escape, daring her to just stand up and run, take Elsa and run away and never come back, and Ana’s throat clogged up as she realized just how trapped she was. How trapped she was now going to be.

Life just wasn’t fair, was it?

She brought her hand up to her face, discreetly wiped away the moisture she could feel gathering t the corner of her eye –hoped everyone else would just read it as here simply being overwhelmed with the ceremony, at being utterly happy at the prospects of the world she was now entering and not be able to read past the impassive mask to see the last crumbling shards of a broken heart at the utter defeat of someone having to lose a part of themselves in order to endorse a disguise for the rest of their life. A mask that would rule the their every day, their every decision, their reactions out in public and have to quell their own personal being beneath when wrestling with difficult decisions calling for a little more compassion and humanity. Anna felt like a literal part of her soul was slowly being crushed right in front of her as it cried out for help, for her to fight back and keep it, no not give it up out of an obligation she was forced to fulfill, yet as she sat there, she found herself unable to do anything else besides watch as it happened, pretty certain that it was too late to fix things now.

When she woke up tomorrow, she would be completely alone.

Maybe it was for the best that Elsa had not been tasked with joining the ranks of castle servants whose task it was to bring them the food, Anna wasn’t entirely certain that she would be able to take it, having the one person who had come to mean the world to her (the one person she’d turned away with absolutely no explanation whatsoever) so close to her yet have to helplessly watch as that invisible barrier between them would firstly go up and then slowly tear them apart.

Swallowing hard, Anna reached out for her glass and took a large gulp (not exactly respecting the manners she’d brought up with, but with emotions threatening to take control of her entire body, it was the first course of action she could think of to counter it) and even at that, the cool drink did very little to help. At this point, she wondered if anything really could.

“Ah, Princess Anna, I must sincerely apologize for not coming over sooner, I’m afraid I must confess that I got quite caught up with small talking your esteemed neighbor Count Stephen over there, you’ll be pleased to know that he is enjoying himself immensely. Especially the refreshments, he asked me to pass his most hearty compliments to you and your kitchen.”

Anna offered the duke of Westleton a stiff smile and her hand to shake, knowing that she could not allow her weariness and will to just be out of here tarnish her behavior towards the duke or any of their other guests for that matter. For his part though, he seemed lively enough, little black eyes sparkling from behind his too-big pair of glasses, and she guessed that if at least someone was getting something positive out of all of this then it might just have been worth it in the end.

“Thank you, sir. And how are the chilly winds treating you here, nothing too uncomfortable I would hope?”

“Oh, I’ll quickly be right as rain after I return home, fear not, but I simply couldn’t pass up on such a special occasion. This is a singular occasion, you officially taking up your position as the crown princess and heir to the kingdom of Arendelle, I thought it nothing but polite to assist the great fortune of a neighboring kingdom in person.”

Anna’s features remained crisp, her whole body going rigid as the old man leaned in his eagerness and excitement certainly lending him to be slightly over-friendly towards her, which was certainly not a feeling she was inclined to share, as she all but wished this was over already so that she could scamper off back to her room, if not to get away from the celebration itself than at least to escape the slightly over-enthusiastic duke.

Maybe if she was lucky enough, she could even request after Elsa, share a moment with her, just the two of them.

“Your good wishes are certainly appreciated.” She offered curtly, crossing her fingers beneath the table vainly hoping that it might get him to just go away. But of course, as if the evening being nothing but morose and one interminable anxiety fest for her wasn’t enough, her prayers went unheeded, and Westleton seemed to plant himself right there, determined to get a conversation out of her.

“Why, you’ll have to come over and visit us one of these days, see and learn about all of our customs in the South and take some time so we might be able to establish a potentially better maritime route with your kingdom –I know we could get a lot of benefit out of a good deal both you and I- and Prince Hans would surely be thrilled to verse you in our ways. And maybe you might even deem it possible to bring along your dear cousin –what was his name Olgar? Olaf?”

“Oleg.” Anna corrected, clearly not amused by his antiques.

“Why Oleg, of course, forgive me for momentarily forgetting it. But as we brought the dear prince up, it does beg the question, where is the lovely gentleman, I have yet to catch a glimpse of him. Ought he not to be here?”

The question made Anna painfully aware of the vacant chair to her right, her cousin‘s absence something she had initially tried not to let dampen the atmosphere. However, not that even their esteemed guests had noticed it, it really became something to be embarrassed about. Whatever Oleg would come up with later to justify his absence was definitely not going to be good enough to save his sorry skin this time around.

“He must have been held up with someone I take it.” Anna ventured, not really knowing what else she could offer the old man as a means to excuse her cousin’s decision to not show up. It stung as she realized it, that Oleg was going to miss out on this, that there was still this small possibility that he had chosen not to assist the ceremony, which he knew had been something important for Anna. A part of her, the one that was always willing to see the best in people, to give everyone a bright smile and look at things with the most positive outlook possible really didn’t want to believe that –that both Oleg and Elsa had consciously decided not to be here for her tonight- but why else were they (still) not here? The first appetizers had been served, the drink was already beginning to flow, the servants had already pulled out of the room and were headed back to the kitchens for the most part, had he (and the blonde) been caught up in the flow they surely would have made their way to them at this point.

“Oh well, I guess he’ll miss out on the toast then… Which is why I’m here actually. Your Majesties,” Westleton said, briefly glancing to the both her parents, “I have a very special gift for you, your highness.” And Anna watched intently as he signaled over one of his fellow servants from the Southern kingdom (recognizable with their foreign-looking attire) with a gesture of his hand. Very carefully, his thin arms picked up the heavy-looking engraved crystal bottle the stranger brought over on a lavish tray, the sparkly red liquid sloshing around.

“Please allow me and Prince Hans to offer you the very best of our Southern vineyards, especially chosen for you by the Prince himself in your honor.”

“I-I,” To be truthful, Anna had certainly never expected something like this, and for a moment, she felt a little embarrassed at receiving such an obviously expensive gift. You really didn’t have to was on the tip of her tongue, ready to express how out of place she felt, but aware that it would no doubt reflect poorly on her to turn down such an offering –especially one so luxurious- and so she took it with both hands, balancing the surprisingly heavy bottle in her left arm for a moment before bringing up her glass with her right and pouring the content into it.

“To a lovely evening and to your good health.” She offered as a toast when raising the glass to the room, the light of the crystal hanging from the ceiling making the liquid inside shine, and the whole room burst into an echoing sentiment, offering a hearty toast in a uniform cheer. It certainly smelt divine (Anna guessed Westleton must be an expert in all of these things) and once the crowd settled down, her lips trembled as she lifted the recipient, cool rim now against her mouth and about to tilt up when-

“No don’t!! ”

The brunette didn’t even have a moment to realize that she’d let go of the glass until the sound of a loud clatter rang in her ears, and, looking down, stunned, to where the carefully crafted pieces now lay, frozen solid.

 Elsa’s beating heart thundering in her ears was the only thing she could vaguely make out as she stood there, stock still, arm still outstretched for a moment, the whole crowd on onlookers staring right back at her, with expressions varying from general surprise to shock to hints of fear. There was a second of confusion, where nobody breathed a sound too busy were they trying t figure out and understand what had just happened under their noses and Elsa swallowed then, hard, painfully aware of what she had just done and just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Punishment of some kind was definitly coming her way, because while Anna maybe understood her and saw her as more than a mere ice wielder, servant or monster –as an actual human being whose wants and desires were worthy of being taken into consideration when it was possible- these people probably didn’t, and it was as her actions were sinking into them that it dawned on her that saving Anna’s life might just be coming with a very steep price, one Elsa had certainly not entertained before using her magic to freeze the pristine glass.

The illusion of peace broke then, cries of outrage and fear overwhelming the room as everybody began to panic, making for the walls and windows on either side, as far away from Elsa as they could possibly get out of fear of being the next ones to meet a similar fate to Anna’s glass while Westleton’s screechy high-pitched voice cried out in outrage over theirs, “Get it! Bring the monster over here!” 

Elsa barely had a moment to process the fact that by monster the old man was actually referring to her when she felt two strong arms take hold on her on either side, and knowing better than to try and fight them (which would probably only worsen whatever decision was made a concerning her fate), the pair both escorted her in a less-than-friendly way to the grand table, where Westleton and Anna’s family were still seated. It was embarrassing, a meek servant like her being paraded though so many noblemen and women, who must all be looking down on her as she past (but Elsa would never know, too fearful of meeting their gaze, knowing they simply wouldn’t understand), and when she and the duke’s guards finally came to a stop, Elsa couldn’t do much either when she was shoved down on her knees none to gently, she simply kept her eyes downcast and didn’t dare meet any of theirs, fearful of jeopardizing herself even further by doing a wrong move.

“What is this?! What is the meaning of this?”

Weslteton’s voice betrayed how he felt, shaking with outrage and indignation – maybe it would have almost been comical under other circumstances- as he all but stomped over to her, his little disproportionate body not making him look very intimidating, but Elsa knew better, past experience had taught her that the brutish-looking weren’t necessary the worst. She quickly flinched back as she felt the cool end of a blade against her neck, which forced her to straighten up, and it was all she could do in order to not swallow, to fearful of injuring herself if she did, and given the potential wound location, there wouldn’t be much that could be done if her neck got cut too deeply.

Her cold hands were shaking badly now.

“No! No, don’t hurt her!”

It was as she saw the silver glinted metal dangerously close to Elsa’s neck that Anna finally managed to get her body to snap out of the paralyzing stupor and stop Weslteton before he did something permanently damaging. Stiffly, she made her way over, as if the trance she’d been a moment ago was somehow still affecting her as she rounded the corner of the table, not caring in the slightest if her decidedly unroyal behavior were to elicit comments from the still stunned crowd. She came to a halt to Elsa’s side, determined to let the duke know that she valued the older girl as her equal, and extended a hand to where it hovered over the older girl’s shoulder, almost touching it, as if it were a silent reassurance that she completely stood with her. Elsa, on the other hand, wished the hand were touching her shoulder, as she thought just grounding her that much more in the here and now might just be what she needed to save her life.

“Don’t you even dare lay a finger on a single one of her hairs on her head.” It was the first time Elsa had ever heard Anna be well and truly angry and the unmistakable threatening quality of her tone –quiet, sharp, but definitely something that ought to be feared- and when the old man refused to lower his weapon, Anna continued with the same air of royal authority, “Put the blade down, now. I’m sure there’s an explanation for all of this.” For a moment, a flicker of hesitation followed her statement, Anna now knowing she had just put her whole situation in jeopardy over a mere servant, but she guessed she was too far in now, and if saving Elsa came at the cost of her title and the respect of those noblemen and women, well so be it. She was pretty certain now that Elsa was someone worth sacrificing it all for.

“You can’t expect me to lower my sword when that thing could attack me at any moment or-“

“That thing has a name, it’s Elsa, and she is my servant, thus under my protection. You will do as I say, now.”

“Do it now.” He father’s crisp and similarly authoritative voice echoing her command gave Anna a little reassurance, knowing that at least he had her back on this decision, that it wasn’t something wrong she’d let her impulse and feelings chose to do without thinking it through first. It certainly halted Westleton, whose hand froze mid-way from reaching for the knife on his plate. “I’m certain that there must be a good reason for this outburst.” And at that, he looked at Elsa with an unusual severity in his gaze, unlike how he’d ever come across to her before, but Elsa supposed the circumstances called for it: she had raised a hand on one of their guests for reasons he knew not yet, to the King all of this likely made little sense. His bushy eyebrows were drawn, frowning almost, and he looked so unlike the gentle man who had taken the very first step in freeing her form a miserable life of slavery by offering her a second chance at Arendelle castle. Elsa gulped in anticipation, definitely knowing that a person of her stature ready to strike a visiting official would not reflect well on any of them, and she could only hope that she’d manage to argue her case convincingly.

“Do you have an explanation for this, Elsa.”

She cast a glance towards him, to his apologetic looking wife in the background and finally to Anna, and the worried crease in her eyebrows and by the way she was biting her lower lip to quell her anxiety let Elsa know just how nervous the other young woman was concerning her fate. A fate Elsa had barely thought about when intervening: Anna’s life had been in danger, there had been little other choices she would have made.

However, the King asking her the question personally, asking her before asking Westleton for his version of events, did not go unnoticed by her, and Elsa took it for what it was: he was trying to offer her a chance to talk her way out of this, trying to let her argue her case in front of these people and maybe even giving her a chance to show them that while a servant she may be, there was a lot more to her than merely bringing the princess food or changing her bedclothes. Equally aware that he –and Anna- was also potentially putting his reputation and namesake at stake by choosing to favor a lower-class citizen over an eminent guest like the Duke, Elsa knew she could do nothing more than tell the truth, that-

“The Duke of Westleton had arranged for the beverage to be poisoned, I overheard him with one of his delegation in charge of the catering. I-I know it was not my place to act out when I had not informed any of you beforehand but I-“ And here Elsa faltered for a moment, unable to look anywhere else but at her feet as the stunned crowd went silent, all ears trained on her, “I just, I just couldn’t let him hurt Anna. I know what I did was dangerous, I know that I shouldn’t have used my magic when I could have hurt any person in here, but I-”

Now rambling on and at a loss as to how exactly she ought to finish her sentence, Elsa felt her cheeks heat up as she still kept her eyes locked with the decorated carpet below, the murmurs of indignation and suspicion already flying among the crowd. It was only when she felt something soft on her cheek that she dared look up, right into Anna’s eyes.

Elsa’s breath stopped for a minute, aware that this was the absolute closest that they had been in a very long time and unsure as to what that entirely meant. Was Anna about to whisper to her to run along to the kitchens, wait for her there where she would come in later and address her due punishment? Was she about to berate her in front of everyone? Was she maybe even going to strike her across the face as a reminder to never lash out in such a public way ever again? Or maybe-

She certainly didn’t expect the princess to crush her lips to hers and kiss her passionately in front of everybody, and the wonderful warm swell erupting in her chest at the fact that Anna was taking her back, Anna wasn’t angry, and that Anna was showing her that she still loved her in front of everybody to sink in.

She choked on a watery laugh when they parted, almost doubtful as to whether it had been real or not, but when Anna’s personal little whisper of Oh god oh god oh god, I’m so sorry, how could I have messed up so much, thank you thank you thank you, thank you for saving my life, I love you so damn much and the repeated little kisses to her temple that Elsa let herself give in, her hands momentarily trying to get re-accustomed to the other’s body before fitting perfectly on her shoulders, just incredibly overwhelmed at this feeling of wholeness and belonging that were suddenly being restored to her.

Maybe a happy ending was in sight after all, the noise of the clapping crowd behind them certainly seemed to be in favor of it. Hopefully Anna was too.

[ghostofasecretary]

hooo boy, this week. it would be good to record things that happened this week, because Feelings are happening about said things

Sunday:

attempted to plan things with the Rat Bastard. that failed

applied to Wellesley

really, really, really did not do my ADLs

watched ASoUE

decided that, instead of homework, i should…hang up pictures? spent four hours hanging up pictures with help of parental unit

and then i had a bunch of new stuff on my wall

Monday:

no school! everybody panic! breaks are terrible and no one should have one!

finished ASoUE

plans with people. talking to people. people are good

GOT OBSESSIVELY LOCKED INTO CLEANING

like. usually i am able to focus on stuff for a while and then stop, but here? no. i moved everything in my room. i went through a substantial amount of papers of me, being a dork from 7th grade til last year, and felt extremely awful about all of them

i hate throwing stuff out! it is very good to do so, but also, ugh

moved and collapsed a bunch of stuff

got freaked out by how empty and new my room is

hung up new art

got extremely pissed at the movie “V for Vendetta,” because THAT IS NOT OKAY TO DO TO PEOPLE, HOW THE FUCK, WHAT KIND OF ABUSIVE SHIT SHOW, i don’t really have flashbacks but if i did, uh. yeah.

made some rice

had a panic attack in the shower, as one does

just felt really really terrible for mostly indiscernible reasons, which probably round to “breaks: they aren’t good”

felt okay by the time i went to bed, though

Tuesday:

fuck tuesday

did my homework in the morning because brains, what are brains

hey the principal needs to talk to you and your mom! for reasons! apparently!

HEY GUYS MANDATORY SURPRISED UNSCHEDULED SENIOR MEETING RIGHT WHEN YOU ARE SCHEDULED TO LEAVE WITH YOUR FRIEND

OOPS NOPE NOW THAT IS CANCELLED

then i got to see Joe, which was lovely

we went to the best coffee shop and hung out, and bullied each other into making lists, and we talked about our vastly different suicidal feelings and how i just sort of - process my suicidal intent as background noise, not really anything, like pain, like habit - don’t feel suicidal in the same way i don’t feel like a redhead, and i showed him all of rusalkii’s “the paint pettiness” tag because it is fantastic, and so that was delightful

then we went to an art studio so he could work on photos

i derped around and read poetry and walked out on the freaking awesome porch and admired pretty spiderwebs and sunlight

and then settled in to read for anatomy

and then Joe came in and did stuff in the computer lab, which was nice

AND THEN

hahahahahahhahhahah

a girl! blue eyes, blond hair, tan skin! name of “Maddy!” came in! to sit next to me!

like, i have a couple of things that basically always trigger me and they are all pretty unfortunate. like, being complimented by authority figures, especially in private, makes me want to die. certain bible verses. people making animal noises. churches, as a general rule. but the number one thing which upsets me is people who remind me of Maddy

like, fictional characters named some variation of “Madison”? yeah. can’t read Worm because there’s a short blond blue eyed bully with that name

people with a certain facial structure, even, if i’m having a Bad Time

which! guess what! the past couple of months! i have been having a Bad Time! for a while i could not go to coffee shops without screaming because tall black haired people had snub noses, okay, it has not been a fun season for the Traumz

and, to top it all off, i don’t actually remember her face or how she spells her name! i don’t! i just remember how her full name sounded/really accurate animal sounds/wanted to be a surgeon/blue eyes/snub nose/ambivalent coloring/blond bob, stacked, she didn’t use conditioner and then she did???/had duck pajamas at one point/SUPER AWFUL THINGS SHE DID AND SAID TO ME AND THEN THE THINGS I DID AND SAID FOR HER, hahahhhahaaahah!

so. had a really long and quiet panic attack

frantically texted Joe to ask if he knew her last name, which he did not

it was so horribly triggering, mother of g-d

then she left

and i cuddled Joe a bit, and he was v calming and good, and we talked about random shit and his photos and The Future, and i read him the english major articles and stuff, and overall it was quite distracting

and she came back, and then we left, and we had a brief interaction but it was...fine

and we went down in the elevator

her sign in didn’t include a last name

we walked to the car, and drove further in, and walked til we got to the gelato place in the deco building

the ice cream barista was v v v cute and relatively interesting and recommended pen&ink for tattoos

i really enjoy Joe, he is a good bean and a good friend and Quality

we walked back

i shouted “you go, running man” at a dude who was running very quickly, which was an Incredibly Impulsive decision and then something i felt shitty about, but it was also kinda funny

and people kinda were screaming as we neared the car, so that was weird

i wouldn’t have gone out unless i were with Joe

but it was nice

and i kinda. felt shitty and lived with it, and didn’t think about stuff, and we talked about How To Comfort Ghost When They Are Dead - Joe has improved a lot and it’s nice to have these discussions - and i helped plan for Joe, and he tried to reciprocate, because trying to help other people is really hard to do well, and i really really love my friends and i love Joe and i love feeling comfortable and safe and alive around people. it was good

and i was home by 8

and my sister had moved to my bathroom? which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but also. ugh. i moved downstairs, despite it requiring a lot of leg movement for me, because she is so exhaustingly untidy. i had to force her to clean up, which was unpleasant

and i think this is when i learned about the subject of the mystery meeting? mr. Post decided i could not fully join the alum association because i am not a christian, even though he had earlier said i could! and i was never less than honest about who and what i am! and so either i could do something half baked or i could do nothing. so. wasn’t that a lovely surprise to top off my day :/

and then i went upstairs and my room was empty and i was empty

got to sleep by 9:30, which was at least one good thing

Wednesday:

i was so tired and everything was 10x harder

by lists, this was the busiest day of the week. gotta love that.

got to school at 7:15, due to my mother’s job

did classes

ugh

N, another good bean, immediately got why i was so stressed and was super sympathetic and also asked if it was the Maddy, and i hadn’t thought of that, and i don’t know, i don’t know, i hate my brain doing this to me

we had a super passive aggressive and rather inefficient senior meeting led by the principal, which exposed School Drama

and a disturbing view of how classes work, but that is another topic

i asked good questions and it was incredibly obvious that certain people were at fault and other people were acting decently and still others had no idea that this was happening and did not enjoy the guilt trip and scrupulosity triggers and, in fact, the knowledge of other people’s stupid high school bullshit

who doesn’t get their drama done in 5th grade and get super traumatized and decide to never do that again? honestly

AND THEN

(warnings for a lack of clarity in the next section, because rage)

ms. Cathey yelled at us for being “selfish”

and said we were “spoiling your reputation”

and more importantly, “spoiling my reputation. this reflects badly on me and my job.“

FUCK YOU

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT KIDS

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU LEAD PEOPLE

the only reason classes have a reputation is because you tell other classes about them

ALSO: PLEASE DO NOT INSINUATE THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE BEHAVING SELFISHLY WHEN, IN FACT, THEY ARE ACTING LIKE PEOPLE AND YOU SEE YOURSELF AS A DIVINELY APPOINTED MEDDLER AND THUS THEIR PROBLEMS ARE A SELF CENTERED ATTACK ON YOU, AS A PERSON

you know the only person who was really, lastingly hurt by this? her aide, who spends 8 hours in her office and has her ear as no one else does and has noticeably become more like ms. Cathey in the last year

this is a fucking adult. a 30 year old woman. yelling at high school seniors about how they are selfish for attempting to solve their own, mostly self generated problems, without talking enough to the person you hear most from, who is probably being influenced by your own propensity for inefficient, ineffective, and frankly inaccurate communication

YOU ARE BAD AT YOUR JOB AND BAD TO PEOPLE AROUND YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE FIRED, PLEASE STOP BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHO ARE EASILY HURT, PLEASE STOP BEING SO DUMB, JUST. Fucking stop.

(that’s not very kind, but at this point i am incredibly angry with her and my anger is justified, and so i will have to construct a positive case in defense of her, that’s good practice. once i graduate, though, i am asking for her to be fired)

no one came out of that meeting with anything resembling sanity

and then my meeting with the principal got cancelled

and i went to a coffee shop and hung out with The Coolest Dietz, which was pretty great

except i was, as noted, dead and full of rage and anxiety

but mostly it was awesome

and then i had philology club

and then i took a friend home

and then i took a bath

and then i figured out how to dress for prom

and then i had that kind of dissociation that’s so stark and unsubtle it can’t be anything but dissociation, where your hands aren’t your hands and your body isn’t your body and you aren’t alive, at all, really, you’re a floating falling non being in static space

and then i read someone’s trauma blog a bit

and then i talked to a person

and then i failed to do things, because exhaustion

and then i went to sleep really early

Thursday:

did not have homework done, which was unfortunate but could be fixed. also did not have headache medications.

why?

because who has the energy to remind people multiple times of your pressing need for medication

it was an understandable mistake, but also. ugh.

PAIN HAPPENED

skyped my principal while i had a migraine. that was…fun.

i don’t feel like detailing it but it went well, i guess, and we decided a thing, mostly

apparently i am “groundbreaking” or w/e

remember how compliments from authority figures in private make me want to die? yeaahh

laid in the dark while in pain for a while

got meds at 12

read about s t o y a, because why not

got increasingly horribly anxious about my freaking homework for Friday

talked to a person; said person attempted to help and had me do some ADLs, which was good

got an SD card, which was a surprise but a good one

still did not even begin to do things. SO. TIRED.

stayed up til 11, decided this was unproductive because i could not move

went to bed

Friday:

decided to go to school even though i had done nothing and was dead, because i have a fun Dr. V class on Fridays

read the German in a rush before school

went to class

went to break. oh! turns out! we’re streaming the whole inauguration! and today has no schedule! and Mr. Post’s secretary isn’t here, so we can’t ask her why!

i hate surprises

one of my two classmates is incredibly, incredibly pro-Trump

it’s so exhausting.

the other was absent

we read some stuff, it was good, the fact that i didn’t have my homework mattered less than expected

Dr. V did not actually call me and The Coolest Dietz, who decided to hang out in our classroom, quote man-hating dykes unquote, but holy shit, that was hilarious

and very inaccurate, in Dietz’s case. after he left Dr. V began talking about how he could “clean up nice” and “all the boys at our school must be blind,” which was even more hilarious

(also this saga was a bit awful, but there are things that you forgive in order to live in the world, so)

S U R P R I S E

YOU HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH! 

SORRY THAT I, THE GREAT MS. CATHEY, DIDN’T TELL YOU THIS

ALSO I GAVE YOU BLATANT MISINFORMATION ABOUT THE BANNER, SORRY

WHO DOESN’T LOVE FUN SURPRISES

ALSO I WAS GONE ALL DAY BECAUSE I WAS GETTING MY HAIR DONE, LOL

called a college b/c application bullshit

prepared for Teh Prom

was at Teh Prom

it was exhausting and i was temporarily blinded due to masks

Surprise! the person who made last year’s third quarter miserable with her wedding showed up and hugged you from behind! gotta love it!

she wasn’t at my table, thank fucking god

sat next to M and K, and M wanted to talk about 3D printing and K wanted to write notes, and it was altogether pretty satisfactory

the food wasn’t great, but it existed, so that was good.

i waltzed with Joe’s little sister, the same K, which was pretty fun

wrote a lot of notes, always a delightful Teh Prom activity

i wrote a speech in the car on the way there

THAT WAS SO ANXIETY INDUCING

it was a Work for me and my co-banner-bullshit-committee-member to divide the speech into a nice, thematically appropriate thing, BUT WE DID IT

THANK GOD

and my jokes carried! and we played off of each other! i fucking love public speaking

and the NOA thing happened

it was surprisingly not awkward, if anxiety-inducing

and then it was over

and i went home

and i was home

and i slept

Saturday:

slept for 12 hours and woke up at 11

good talks in the morning

mostly was a person

felt bad

did laundry

took a bath

cleaned my room some more

went to a tea shop, which was nice

cleaned some stuff

read about how to resist Trump

goofed around on tumblr

drank a delicious oatmeal type mocha and had an extremely filling triple layer chocolate mousse

went home

ate a lot of food

kinda crashed

talked to people

realized HEY, i feel like an automaton or a cyborg and usually that means i am festering

wrote this thing! thanks again, rusalkii, you are a delight and an extremely helpful human

now: put up laundry

slep

i don’t know how i feel, still, but i now understand the magnitude of shitty stuff which has happened. the thing on Tuesday has made everything 10x harder, even though i was able to ground and be comforted and think the past was post, it still sucked a lot. and there were other triggering things this week! there was a frankly ridiculous amount of pain and also walking!

surprises kill me so much and so thoroughly and i never remember this.

next week will probably be hard. i might not feel it. i first thought i wouldn’t react for a while, but i seem to be reacting a bit. maybe something will pop up later and maybe it won’t, who knows. it’s okay that things suck.

a few quotes: not the spring dawn: i strained, i suffered, i was delivered. this isn’t the present. nature isn’t like us, doesn’t have a warehouse of memory.

lucky nature.

(not everything has to bloom. that’s how gardens work: you plant seeds, you wait. something imperfect grows, still, maybe.)

[loveyourselffool]

worthless read; 1

I am sorry about tonight, I know you don't care to read what I have to say, but I'll humor myself since I'll be up all night anyways and maybe you'll eventually need a 💩 read. And this isn't a pity party, it's Crystal running on her last set of fumes and 3 hrs of sleep, and finally getting her thoughts out without having to keep you up for 6 hours listening to her bullshit in person. So if you choose to care or read, go ahead. If not, I get it, and I'm not worth it. Because this might be a read that you'll finish and just go "oh, k. I have no idea what she means or what she said." I really get it Francis, we both know that's usually what ends up happening lol... So it's a worthless read anyways. But it's here regardless, because I hope you see my respect and love when I show you my last stand, or so I plead for it to be because I honestly just want to die.

I get that you want to be like the normal couples. Even though you always hated the comparison of us to "normal"... But I get it, you've had enough of dating this utterly abnormal thing. Regardless I mistakingly thought it'd be okay to let myself be me, or do what I want, but I didn't know I annoyed you to that extent. Honestly, I get so blindsided by my love for you that I just realized the pain and hurt that's accumulated by what you tell me sometimes. The woman you want to spend your whole life with? We have another possible 60 years of this left. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining or at all blaming you. So if you're thinking that, it's actually the complete opposite. I just can't believe I, Crystal, have done so many "bad" things to someone but it does stem from something that was supposed to be good, love. The amount of "you're annoying, pathetic, smothering, stfu, you make me wanna kill myself, abusive, clingy, controlling, bitchy, you make me wanna die, I hate you, I can't do anything without feeling like I owe you an explanation, you're so annoying, you need help in every way, psycho, crazy " I don't know what I even feel anymore, is it shame? Guilt? Disgust? Like wow, I actually have the power to make someone want to die, or to drive off a road, or to self harm, or force them to be hurting so badly that they would call their WIFE psycho or annoying. The wife they're supposed to respect, cherish, love, shelter, admire and care for?......... But instead, I force you to play games, lie, hide stuff, not want to talk, get as far away from me as possible, call me names, shove me away, physically and mentally. I wanted to be the wife that you tell your friends about and they're all jealous, and you'll drive home and realize "damn, I'm a fucking lucky man", where your family will see that I bring out the good in you.. As a wife, I'm supposed to bring out the best in you... Haven't you heard all the cheesy speeches? "He/she brings out the best in me" Lol... I 100% bring out the worst in you. It's funny too now that I type this, because I recall you telling me in the very early days of us dating... That I taught you a lot and brought out a new and better Francis. Lol, oh the times have changed. Your dad would be so disgusted with how I've made you. A man who acts like this to their wife, and again, I am at full blame. Because let's face it Mr. Yu, it was because of my caringness in the first place that made us become how we are today... My caring desire to be equally good looking as models, my caring obsession for communication and honesty or details, my caring anal need for you to be someone you're not. And thus explaining why you want to always distance yourself from me and I play the chasing game with you.

Anyways, I always thought I was just an overly obsessively caring person who overappreciated communication, or knowing what you're up to so I can feel like I'm there with you, I like asking questions because I'm curious, and I want to know... I won't lie and say its always been for that reason, my curiosity did once stem from distrust and insecurities... But now it's more to bridge the distance because distance brings out the worst in me, if there's a "worse" than what I have been already. I was under the impression you enjoyed it when I showed an interest in your life. But I guess I did it all wrong. I get that I'm very abnormal, too controling, too caring, too in your face, essentially too everything bad, too horrible in every sense of a relationship. I don't think anything could really break your heart more than having your SO tell you they basically hate talking to you in every way possible. Ever since I was young, communication and openness in a relationship has been drilled into my character, so I apologize for what you've had to deal with all these years together. I just am so shocked at the pain I've caused you all this time... Just because I wanted to be me, so selfishly.

So you'll finally see the ideal days you wish for. I won't be a bother anymore, you win. Who wants Crystal anyways, so in the end, I'm just a pleaser, not my own person. I don't need your pity, nor do you HAVE to respond. I'm not that anymore, you've made your point - you want to be free from me, but still be with me. Ill do everything I can or must to give you the happiness you wish for because in the end, I still love you... And if your wish is just for me to be less annoying and caring, I'll bite my tongue until it bleeds.

And last thing, well if you've even read this far, wow. Anyways, it's something I doubt you want to hear, but I honestly just need to let you know because I've been dying internally. But, if I could do anything to turn back time to when you were free from me, (dating wise) I would. I really would. Because I see what I've done to you now, and what you used to be before.. you always hated when I have mentioned it in the past but you really are better off without me Francis. It really doesn't matter what your family thinks of me... "Oh she's such a great girl". We both know ourselves it's all superficial comments, they hardly know my flaws and most of all, the REAL internal me that you know and have seen.. and well, have come to hate. But I am unfortunately still human... And well, I am selfish and I love you so like I said, I would like to stay but I'll be out of your way and I will really bite myself until it bleeds so I learn to not frighten you into a divorce.

Have a good day.