#several people. former friends. exes. etc

[born-to-lose]

The feminine urge to block or at least unfollow people to protect my peace even if I still like them while also not wanting to hurt their feelings and make things worse between you

[candy-red-river]

WARNING!! ATTENTION TO ALL RANFREN FANS.

RECENTLY THERE HAVE BEEN 3 INDIVIDUALS IN THE COMMUNITY THAT HAVE BEEN CAUSING SEVERE DISTRESS TO THOSE AROUND THEM. WHEN YOU SEE THESE INDIVIDUALS BLOCK, REPORT, OR AVOID THEM.

I REPEAT DO NOT GO AFTER THEM OR HARASS THEM FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE INVOLVED.

BELOW ARE SEVERAL COPIED TESTIMONIALS FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO USED TO INTERACT WITH THESE THREE PROVIDED WITH SCREENSHOTS.

THE DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS WILL REMAIN ANONYMOUS AND DIFFERENT PEOPLE WILL BE REFERRED TO AS DIFFERENT COLORS FOR THEIR OWN SAKE. TAKE THIS AS YOU WILL.

🚨🚨 IMPORTANT ALARM 🚨🚨

ATTENTION, RANFREN COMMUNITY ON TUMBLR! PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THESE IMPORTANT ALERTS ABOUT INDIVIDUALS TO AVOID:

KITTYGIRLCARPET (carpetkittie) RATMISCHEFINPROCESS SEBASTIANTHEHUMAN.

FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR COMMUNITY, PLEASE BE VIGILANT AND TAKE CARE IN WHO YOU INTERACT WITH ONLINE. STAY SAFE AND PROTECT YOURSELVES! ⚠️📢

I will add the reasons why in the following…

First and foremost, I want you to be aware that several individuals have been persistently targeting me for absolutely ridiculous reasons!!!! Despite not doing anything to provoke them, they've been quite unkind and even extend their hostility to others within the fandom. This is why I've been noticeably inactive lately, as a result of their relentless attacks!!!

Starting off with Sebastian, during our former friendship he would often purposeful endanger himself even when his friends would tell him not to. For hours. He'd say he wouldn't do it but would go claim to do that thing anyway. He would also talk heavily sexually when I and him were with other friends despite being 14 (he told me and someone else he was 15) his made me, as an older teen and new adult, VERY uncomfortable. I tried to ignore it and laugh it off.

He would repeatedly lie to us about everything, and played coy whenever we were suspicious. Recently he admitted to harrassing us in private via tumblrs anonymous asks. After we realised what he'd done he had threatened suicide on his instagram, and would immediately go back to using discord the next day.

Sebastian has been spreading lies abt his ex under the age of 13, while he is 14, calling them a groomer and such, a manipulator, spreading their personal vents/rants without permission, etc. Those were all lies, his ex was doing nothing he said. Even when his ex’s status on disc had nothing to do with love or relationships, Sebastian would change his status to pretend he had a boyfriend, to quote on quote, ‘make them jealous’. Sebastian has been obsessing over (censored), going as far to harass his friends, carve his name into his chest and show him, lie abt his age to get closer, then play the victim once confronted. Randal would give Sebastian compliments, which Sebastian would take way out of context, often making lewd and inappropriate comments in response unprompted. He exaggerates Randal’s words, making it seem that they were genuinely flirting or in love. While joking flirting was not unheard of, they were not genuine feelings. Randal had stated several times that he had no romantic/sexual/etc feelings towards Sebastian in any way. When Randal confronted Sebastian, mainly his only responses were “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, no apology, nothing, just feigning innocence. Along with those two things, Sebastian has been sharing his friends personal info, as well as publicly suicide baiting on Instagram stories. He has been saying multiple times that he has “been shoved into a hospital” and/or “actually killing himself tonight”. A final thing he did quite often was make many comments about how “Incel’s are hot” or that he was purposefully going to get groomed, most definitely for sympathy and attention. Also for attention, he would act overly sexual, making random sexual comments unprompted. He is a manipulative liar, he never defends himself, because he can't.

Before reading this, please know I have really bad memory, so I might have skipped over or watered down things Sebastian did, so please bare with me,

Back when I was 12, Sebastian had groomed me for months when him and I dated (and he now refuses it despite me having proof), he also was racist and tries to defend himself over it by saying "it was a dream" which doesnt make things any better. He also frequently spoke about sexual topics and even sent me a list of things he was into despite me telling him I didn't like talking about that stuff considering my age, also considering the fact I was recovering from something disgusting my stepdad did to me a few days prior, which I told him about. He also had shared stuff about my personal life (my hypersexuality, intrusive thoughts, vents, and probably more things I'm not aware of.)

When I broke up with him for the first time because our age gap made me slightly uncomfortable considering I wasn't considered a teen, also because he made me feel like shit and he was already a horrible person for things he did that I explaiend above. Afterwards he made hints that he would be killing himself, he also obsessed HEAVILY over me and manipulated me until we dated again. This time, he treated me as if I was some sort of secret which made me feel horrible because he KNEW our relationship would be heavily frowned upon for two reasons, one being that hes 14, i was 12. and two, people hated his guts and i promised those people I wouldn't go back to him.

He did a lot of things on calls that I can't provide proof for because I'm 99% sure he was taking precautions just in case I left him again. I WILL be mentioning it but they'll just be considered allegations as I can't provide proper proof. We broke up a final time after a month because he kept ignoring me for hours and made me feel like shit because he met new people and I suddenly became irrelevant.

He also liked to make fun of my overuse on painkillers, and constantly called me a "druggie" which only made things worse on my end. He also never shut up about me claiming I ruined his life, I manipulated him, and he was the victim despite me getting groomed by him.

He made me isolate myself from all my friends (irl and online) so he could be the only one in my life, he did this subtly by saying "I don't like your friends blah blah blah" and gaslighted me into believing I hate them. He also liked to flaunt what he did to me because he got away with it, he also admitted he didnt feel sorry for a single thing he did to me. For whatever reason he also faked having a boyfriend to try and make me jealous (which never worked.)

I'm sure theres a lot more things he did, but I'm having a hard time remembering

I have things about Sebastian and it’s just him sending me a mean anonymous question + him telling me about how Randal thinks that he’s the one sending mean anonymous questions so I can write a message about that ? But I’d also like to stay anonymous because I don’t want to be associated with that,, ( ;´ - `;)

The next person to be spoken of is kitty carpet.

The person who kins kitty carpet has been an on and off bother for me and my friends for months now. She would occasionally come up again to insinuate drama, going after my friend and people adjacent to him online. She has also been dating and interacting with people way too young for those such as cherrycon. She gets angry at proshippers but is a self proclaimed "necrophile", who loves talking about how writing dark content is ok while being against it making her morals unclear.

Kitty has a contentious reputation. She inserted herself into a drama not involving her aggressively harassed someone for no reason, causing them to delete their Tumblr account. She's dated a younger person, age 14 while being 17, and spreads malicious rumors about those who reject her advances. Not only did she label a 13 year old as her “master,” but she also resorted to misogynistic name calling a friend of mine.

My experience with Kitty is pretty limited because when I was active in the Ranfren fandom she had me blocked. Not exactly sure why since I had never interacted with her once. Her ex-boyfriend (I forgot his name but his URL was 'Rabiesivory' I think at the time) and I were mutuals. When he had first followed me, I had "MINORS DNI" in both my bio and pinned post. Since he followed me and was reblogging content marked with the "18+ content filter" I had assumed he was of age (he probably lied about his age while registering so he could have access to 18+ posts). I later found out that he was a minor (14 years old), and I ended up blocking him due to this. I was unaware that he was a child because he was not forthcoming with his age. Later on, someone had informed me that Kitty had just turned 17/18 (I forget which one it was but IIRC she is actually 18 IRL) and was still dating this 14 year old boy. My main issue with Kitty is that she is a massive hypocrite and tries to constantly manufacture drama. She has accused me of things I did not do, and has tried to send her friends and followers to harass me. She also is a self-identified necrophile, and has posted about supporting illegal/immoral paraphilias & being a proshipper while simultaneously saying she "hates proshippers" and "doesn't want them to interact with [her]". She has also repeatedly made romantic advances towards non-consenting people. Kitty is a very dangerous person in the fandom, mostly because of her hypocritical nature & her insatiable thirst for drama. I would recommend avoiding her and people she associates with, because from my own experiences she will try to start drama with anyone and everyone over small, irrelevant things. She is also not above lying about things to make others look bad. I especially want to warn any minors in the fandom of her behavior since she is a known groomer and potential abuser.

This section was short, however most of the people above have the same problem with her.

Final one is Michael, this is the shortest section as most people don't know him very well.

My experience with Michael

Michael who was once a friend of my friend or is still a friend, I’m not sure…consistently harassed me and spoke poorly about me. He repeatedly called me a derogatory term because I wasn't online for a day. Even after my friend forgave me he refused to move past the situation, even though it wasn't a serious issue. He has connections with a lot of problematic individuals involved in the entire situation.

Well for starters He seems to enjoy mentioning how my parents like him better than me a lot, for no reason either, its something he likes to brag about a lot which has always annoyed me. In his pinned post where it says he has untreated bpd is a lie, he’s never gotten a diagnosis with bpd, he also shares things that no one needs to know, for example he’s stomped out a little toad before and wouldnt stop talking about it for a week like if it was the best thing he’s ever done.

Warning for transphobia below.

Green has informed me that minors can not be diagnosed with bpd due to puberty and hormonal changes.

I tried to get all of the relevant screenshots down, to avoid stress and harassment I will not be responding to any questions (maybe).

Please do not harass or go after anyone meantioned. Block and report.

[kyuuppi]

HEAR ME OUT. Genshin Men as your ex, like what would they do during the healing process? Would they beg for you back, try to get you jealous, etc.

I LOVE UR WRITING AND FORMAT XX YOU'RE LITERALLY AMAZING.

Ft. Zhongli; Xiao; Tighnari; Scaramouche

⚠️tw: manipulation (Scaramouche); bad end/angst (Xiao; Zhongli)

Every cell in my body resisting the urge to make them yandere–

⭐ Zhongli

To be frank, Zhongli is no stranger to the end of relationships.

Having lived through several millennia, Zhongli has watched many friends, enemies, and lovers come and go. 

The moment he met you, he already knew you would someday be the same–such is the nature of mortality.

No matter how much he loved you, you would one day become yet another bittersweet memory–the type that makes his chest ache in the latest hours of the night while the rest of the harbor is sleeping.

Zhongli knew your departure from his life was inevitable…

But he didn’t expect to have to say goodbye so soon–let alone voluntarily.

“I love you, Zhongli. I really do but… we’re just too different. A former archon and a human just weren’t meant to be together. I’m sorry.”

Words he had never dreamed of fall from your lips easily. You had rehearsed it for a while.

He is internally distraught - his chest aches in a way he is not quite familiar with and, for once, he does not know what to say. 

He politely lets you leave - says that he understands and expresses his desire to remain amicable if you will allow it but will keep his distance if that is what you prefer.

He will always be available to share some advice over a cup of tea or osmanthus wine if you should ever need it. The unwritten contract between the of you – the favor and support of a former archon – is unconditional. 

You may find yourself shocked at how easily he lets you go –whether or not you are pleased by it depends on the nature of your true feelings.

Zhongli’s warm smiles and calming words will always remain, albeit now polite rather than intimate.

Outsiders who were unfamiliar with the nature of your previous relationship will not even notice the difference.

It is only a select few - Xiao, a few other adepti, and perhaps the funeral director – who see how the once smoldering embers in Zhongli’s steady gaze have been smothered.

It is only in the darkest hours of night, alone in his study, that Zhongli allows himself to wonder if his divinity is a blessing or a curse.

“It is unfortunate that our journey together must come to an end so soon. I have very much enjoyed our time together and appreciated the honor of witnessing your glory so closely. I will not burden you with my presence but… if you should ever need my assistance or desire my companionship, it is always yours.”

⭐ Xiao

Never in a thousand years would Xiao have imagined he would have someone to call his own.

After centuries of abuse–both inflicted upon him and from him - Xiao had sworn to never put himself in a position that vulnerable again. He will never let someone get close enough to hurt him or be hurt.

Nevertheless, you appeared in his life and shattered every expectation he had ever set.

Through sheer persistence, you smashed your way through his every wall and stole his heart as your own.

You had created an inseverable bond between you two…

...but now you wanted to sever it.

“I don’t think we can be together anymore, Xiao. You have a duty to protect Liyue and that is your top priority. You are tethered to this place. But I want to explore new places… and new people. I’m sorry, Xiao.”

His first reaction is anger, the type that flashed white hot in his gut and burns through his veins.

He did not seek you out – you were the one who forced your way into his life.

No matter how often he rejected you, how much he tried to avoid you, you had repeatedly interjected your way into his routine, bringing him plates of almond tofu and sharing stories of you adventure he had never asked about.

You created the habit for him. You made him expect your presence every day. You gave him new experiences and made him feel things he never knew possible. You made him love you in ways he had never imagined himself capable of–

–only to rip it all away. 

He should have known he was not good enough - he was always just a weapon, a tool, wasn’t he? It is only natural that you would use him too–and that he would one day become useless.

He leaves without a word.

For you, it is almost as if you had imagined his whole existence.

He no longer waits for you atop Wangshu Inn. You no longer feel the sense of someone watching–protecting–you while you take commissions around Liyue. 

 The only indication you have that you had not dreamt the whole thing is the occasional story random citizens, claiming to have been saved from a lawachurl by a ghost with yellow eyes.

You think Xiao has forgotten your entire existence. He disappears from your life so easily.

But to Xiao, it is not easy at all. 

His every thought is plagued by you to the point he wonders if you placed a curse upon him.

While the memory of you once eased his karmic debt, now it only seems to fuel it.

The voices taunt him, remind him of how worthless he is, even to his own lover.

You’re only a weapon of destruction – of course no one would want to be with you. You could never make anyone happy. You can only bring pain.

He suffers alone, brushing off the concern of the other adepti and even Zhongli when his karmic debt seems to get worse, his breakdowns more frequent and more intense than ever before/

It is only when you call his name - whether because you miss him or because you are in danger, than he will allow himself to see you again.

But even as he stands before you, he will not make eye contact.

Not because he does not want to see you but because he does not trust himself to act reasonably if he does.

“Even if the… nature of our relationship has changed, our bond still remains… what I mean is, if you are ever in danger, you should still call my name. I will always protect you...”

⭐ Tighnari

Um… this dude mates for life, how could you do this to him???

Similar to Xiao, he initially just gets kind of angry.

He told you how serious this is for him, how much relationships mean to fennec foxes.

He had asked you over and over again if you were sure before making your relationship official and you had assured him that you were. You said forever.

You had known each other for years before - you knew his personality and his habits. You knew being a forest watcher was his top priority and how long he spent on patrols - nothing has changed so why are your feelings changing?

“I’m sorry, Tighnari, I just… I don’t think I can live like this forever. Working in the forest together was a fun way to pass time but I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to be with you anymore.“

He tries to talk it through - he wants to be logical and compromise with you. He asks you to set boundaries and be specific about your needs so that he has the chance to try to meet them - he will do anything to make this work, you just need to tell him what you need.

But you insist there’s nothing he can do, and without a proper explanation, you leave him behind.

It is easy to fall back into old routines and habits. Even if his lover is gone, the forest never rests.

He goes back to his patrols and reports and lectures – everything is the same as before yet it all feels completely wrong.

The days he used to look forward to – eagerly learning more about the forest he loved and sharing his findings with other curious minds – now feel like little more than a waste of time.

His passion is gone, the once burning desires now doused and his mind is only plagued with memories of you.

Quiet moments late at night in his tent are the worst. 

His bed feels uncharacteristically cold and empty without you in it. The calm night is much too quiet when your voice is not there to hum a tune you heard at the market.

“You’re being incredibly selfish right now – our relationship may be just a way to pass time for you but for me – it's all or nothing. There was no one before you and there will be no one after you. We made a commitment to each other and we need to stick it out. So tell me exactly what the problem is so we can work on it and fix it. Together. We have a whole lifetime to figure this out so don’t just give up on us so easily.”

⭐ Scaramouche

You have to be insane to leave this man - and not just ‘cause he is hot.

If you made it far enough for Scaramouche to let you into his heart, you already know his past. You know what has happened to him and how he feels about people leaving.

There is absolutely no way this will go well for either of you.

Once his heart is broken his immediate response is vengeance and retaliation.

If you think you are leaving him behind – betraying him like everyone else in his life – you have got another think coming.

“I’m serious, scaramouche. I don’t want this anymore. We’re just not meant for each other.”

“Ha– you think you have a choice? I must not have made myself clear – you are mine and you are not going anywhere without me.”

lol oops I made it yandere

While much less openly accommodating as Tighnari, Scaramouche is still willing to listen to your complaints and try to find a solution.

Although he’s possessive and a bit blinded by his own feelings, Scaramouche truly does love you and will do anything he can to make you happy–but only if you are happy with him.

If you physically leave, he will follow you. If you try to find someone else, he is not above getting rid of them. 

Once you enter a relationship with Scaramouch, for as long as the two of you are alive, you will be with each other.

“Do you finally understand? Good. Taking care of those mortal men you wanted to hang around with was starting to become tedious."

[bible-word-counter]

i totally understand if you'd rather not go into this on here, but i'm curious as to how you'd describe your religion/religious background?

TL;DR: Christian to Wiccan to agnostic

This is gonna bit a bit long because I've been thinking about it since I started this blog, so bear with me.

I spent a lot of my childhood living with my great-grandma, and she loved going to church and watching Billy Graham and the like. I think when she was little, she might have gone to a Baptist church? I dunno, I never asked her.

Me, my siblings and several of my cousins went to a Nazarene church nearly every Sunday and sometimes to vacation bible school during the summer. My grandma's funeral was there.

I was lucky enough to have a good experience, which I know is not the case for a lot of Christians/former Christians.

I was...maybe a freshman in high school when I really doubted the existence of the Christian God. How could someone who was claimed to be powerful and benevolent let atrocious things happen to people he claimed to love?

My mom and step-dad were agnostic. They went to church as children also, but I don't know much of their background with it. So when I stopped believing, not much changed in my family life.

Not super long after that, an ex-friend gave me a Wiccan book (I wish I could remember what it was called) and I really liked the belief system in that. The power of nature and positive thought, etc.

I showed my mom it, and she started to get into it (in kind of an annoying way, but I think that has to do with our relationship, lol).

I still celebrate Christmas and Easter, but it's not about Jesus for me anymore. Its about more of their Pagan precursors and the gift-giving.

I'm more just agnostic these days. I do still love the festivities and Christmas music, though.

[extasiswings]

As someone who never watched bones, the bones blueprint???

What is the Bones blueprint? WELL, LET ME TELL YOU. So Bones is the show with one of, if not THE hetero slow burn ship of classic Fox procedural shows in the mid-2000s-early 2010s. (Pretty much every main network had at least one major procedural slow burn at a time. Fox had X-files, then Bones. ABC had Castle. CBS had NCIS and The Mentalist…you get it). So, let me set the stage with our characters:

Seeley Booth, played by David Boreanaz. Booth is an FBI Agent and former Army Ranger (with a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart and a certain amount of PTSD that he doesn’t like to discuss). Catholic. Complicated relationship with his family. More than a little repressed. Definitely needs therapy (and gets it eventually—at first when he’s required to go, and voluntarily in later seasons). Good at and devoted to his job. Single Dad who feels like he missed out on a lot of the early years of his son’s life and worries about being a good father (he asked his ex to marry him when she got pregnant, but she turned him down even though she loved him—at least early on in the series even though they aren’t together it’s discussed that they have a tendency to fall into bed not infrequently) [I swear I’m not making this up]. Anyway, you get the picture.

And behind Curtain No. 2, we have:

Temperance Brennan (Bones), played by Emily Deschanel. Brennan is a forensic anthropologist. Super smart, super scientific, doesn’t have great social skills, but definitely has the whole “perceived as cold but actually feels things very deeply” thing going on. Tragic backstory. She’s also a novelist.

So! Booth and Brennan. They work together, they’re partners, they solve murders. And, naturally, they have the whole opposites thing that works for them—she’s very book smart, he’s very street smart, she believes in facts and science and logic, he believes in intuition and gut feelings and faith, etc. etc. As is often the case with the aesthetic of the crime procedural slowburn ship, they start out sort of reluctantly working together, but eventually develop a real partnership built on trust and friendship (and love!).

Early on, she has some things in her past with her family that she asks for his help investigating so that she can get answers. There’s also a time in the second season where Brennan gets kidnapped by a serial killer and buried alive while Booth is stuck trying to find her, which in addition to still being just An Episode(™) remains one of the great, classic, early-in-the-slowburn “I almost lost you and it made me feel Some Kinda Way, but no no we’re just friends really, nothing to see here” defining arcs, especially since Brennan starts dating someone not too long after. The same serial killer returns in season four and snatches Booth that time, and then it’s Brennan’s turn to find him (with the help of Booth’s younger brother). Anyway, classic slow burn—there’s a lot of Implication that you could read into if you wanted throughout the first several seasons, but not necessarily super concrete (although they get caught under the mistletoe once), and there are several rounds of saving each other in various ways as over the years they just become closer and closer until they’re Partners(™) in every way (even when they’re dating other people).

What’s making me yell and scream today though, is: the S4 finale and S5. In the S4 finale, Booth is in a coma after having brain surgery. He has a wild coma dream where he and Brennan are married and they run a nightclub, but there still ends up being a murder—ANYWAY, irl Brennan basically spends the whole time he’s in a coma at his bedside, but then he wakes up and he has no memory of who she is. Pivot to S5, Booth remembers her again, and also feels like he might have romantic feelings for her, but (in part because of some third party commentary) questions whether they’re real or just a side-effect of the surgery. He sort of tells her anyway, but flubs it massively. Later in the season, we get Booth’s son being concerned that his dad doesn’t have a girlfriend, both Booth and Brennan separately getting relationship advice from third parties, and Brennan getting asked out by a new guy. And then! The 100th episode.

The 100th episode, which reveals the start of the series wasn’t their first case, they worked together once before and kissed and almost slept together, but hadn’t ended up going all the way. And after they’re done telling their story, Booth finally stops and kisses her and gets to give his big damn love confession, lays it all on the line, tells her he’s always known she was the one and wants to really try…and she freaks out and cries and turns him down, and he accepts it but says he has to move on. And then they both date other people before fully running away from each other for many months (Brennan on an anthropological dig, Booth back to Afghanistan for the military). (And then, when they come back, she’s ready to put on her big girl pants and give it a shot, except that he went and got a girlfriend who he seems happy with so we all get to suffer through a season of angst and pining while he proposes to someone who isn’t Brennan etc while everyone else is like “you’re still in love with her though” but they do sleep together by the end of S6 and ultimately get married and have two more kids (not in that order)).

So, yeah—the blueprint! Making me especially crazy because here we are with Buddie on a Fox procedural, 4 seasons since they really started trying it seems to make Buddie something potentially real, and Buck is heading into a coma where he's about to hallucinate another life, and the 100th episode is coming up near the beginning of next season (and I really hope Fox learned from Bones that there's such a thing as dragging out the slow burn too much and just lets them be happy after the big damn feelings reveal but XD).

[yabagofmilfs]

15 people, 15 questions

thanks for the tags @babygirlboberrey, @girlfriendline, and @crosbyism!

1. are you named after anyone?

no, but i was almost named after my dad's ex-gf. awkward.

2. when was the last time you cried?

about a real thing? on christmas eve, because i am constitutionally unable to deal with change / it's been a really tough month. but i tear up several times a day thinking about my special guys.

3. do you have kids?

one horrible goblin boy (affectionate).

4. what sports do you play/ have you played?

i was on various swim teams for a lot of years, but otherwise have zero athletic ability. no hand-eye coordination, and absolutely no awareness of my own physical body or how it works. can't run, can't throw, can't catch. i also have almost no competitive drive in that vein. (sidney crosby would hate me.)

5. do you use sarcasm?

more than i should, but unfortunately i am a product of my environment (double whammy of asshole father and british stepmother).

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

i am horribly unobservant about physical characteristics (compounded by very bad eyesight), but i read people very well? idk how to describe that.

7. what’s your eye colour?

greenish bluish grayish. but mostly green.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings. i'm a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge weenie about scary things, especially if it involves ghosts / demons, etc. i was raised by an insane woman in a weird religious sect, and some things just never leave you. i have a horrible tendency to brain spiral about things even when i know i'm being ridiculous. for example, one time i watched a youtube video about the three men and a baby ghost and i literally could not sleep that night because i felt sure if i looked at my bedroom window there would be a child's face in it. it's fine! i'm normal!

9. any talents?

i have a photographic memory that is a blessing and a curse (see above), but sometimes comes in handy for stupid things like connecting the dots between random gifs of sid and old kiss cam footage. i'm also great at word games and trivia, and a fantastic cook and baker when i have the energy to do either.

10. where were you born?

at disneyland.

11. what are your hobbies?

being weird on the internet. reading. writing. watching every non-war documentary i can get my hands on. starting very detailed excel spreadsheets and then forgetting they exist.

12. do you have any pets?

two cats. a calico named moxie (moo) who is gorgeous and sweet but also a complete brat. i believe quarantine may have broken her brain because she cannot stand not to be touching someone at all times, and not just touching you but laying on your chest and kneading your jugular with her claws out if you're not giving her enough attention (it is never enough attention).

and then there's the feral gremlin who lives under my bed. technically she doesn't have a real name because we couldn't decide. we called her the tiny one forever, and eventually that became tiny > teeny > reenie > reen bean, which is what we mostly call her now. we adopted her because we thought moo needed a friend, but they hate each other. :) reen bean was rescued from a hoarding situation, and we learned after the fact that she's part siamese--only the annoying parts, though. she looks like a tuxie, but she has the yowl of a siamese twice her size. she hates everyone but me, and will growl like a demon if anyone touches her belly or dares to come to the door.

13. how tall are you?

5'2 on a good day.

14. favourite subject in school?

once upon a time i was a dual lit and psych major and i loved every second of it. i went to a very liberal arts college, so there were a lot of fun courses to choose from. a couple that stand out: queering victorian lit, medieval french lit exploring the monster trope, and the psychology of queer intimacy.

15. dream job?

the same one every former gifted child who read a lot has: open a 24-hour cafe bookstore with live music on the weekends. i wish i could get my brain to heal enough to start writing books again, but perhaps if i win the lottery i can quit my toxic job and open up a bookstore and that would do it. two birds and all.

tagging: i think this has made the rounds by now, so i won't tag anyone specifically but if you're reading this consider yourself tagged my friend.

[positivelybeastly]

Wow, there’s a lot you wouldn’t know bc of your absence, I guess! I’m sure Simon’s doing his best to get you up to speed, but that would be an incredibly difficult task for any one person. Stop me if you’ve heard any of this before.

Mystique and Destiny are these very old ladies who are getting married. They’re mutant terrorists, in general, but the X-Men work with them a lot. They’re actually Nightcrawler’s parents (also Rogue’s). Mystique also has sons with Wolverine, the professor (they were married for a while as well), and sabretooth (wolverine’s evil cat guy). She was also married to Deadpool, the guy who stole all of Simon’s stuff, I think? Regardless, if you meet any blue people, they’re probably related to Mystique, not you.

Speaking of villains, Magneto’s waffled a lot on whether he’s good or evil, whether he wants to be a good dad or not, etc. At the moment, he’s a good guy and dedicated father to Wanda and Lorna (he actually IS Lorna’s dad after all) but he hates Pietro (unclear why). Wanda and Vision had twins. There’s other things there but trust me, all you really need to know is that they’re adults now. Oh and one is gay married to the king of space. Vision had several additional children but sadly only one is currently living. Hank Pym also had/found several children, one with Greer.

Carol Danvers is doing pretty well for herself, she got her own Rick Jones. Rick Jones got married and then Moondragon stole his wife. A lot of your other New Defenders comrades aren’t really doing much right now but are okay, as far as I’m aware. Tony Stark married Emma Frost, (former villain who Cyclops cheated on Jean with; she was also one of your closest friends for several years).

Jean and Scott (Jean came back. Also forgave the cheating. She’s technically dead right now but you really don’t need to worry I swear she’ll be fine) have multiple children, including baby Nathan (maybe you met him…?) who is both an older adult and a teenager/young adult simultaneously, and a different adult son named Nate you probably don’t need to worry about.

Unfortunately, Candy Southern passed away. Warren is pretty sad. Not about that specifically, just in general these days. Alex is in a relationship with Scott’s ex Maddie, who currently rules over a hell dimension. Bobby’s gay.

". . . Put me back in the pod. Put me back in the pod, PUT ME BACK IN THE POD, PUT ME BACK IN THE - "

[whumpshaped]

Hi! Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to answer (I promise I won't be offended if that's something that worries you), but you mentioned maybe writing cult whump and I was wondering if you had any resources for that that you could share? Like, cult mindset, leaving cults, anything really. No worries if you don't or just don't want to answer, you just seemed like someone to ask! I'm doing my own research as well but it's tricky.

- @pigeonwhumps

hi friend! i love that this is my legacy now but also i wanna clarify for everyone reading that i am not an authority on this at all, i have never been in a cult, etc etc. that being said, these are the kind of stuff i watched and read about:

literally any cult documentary i can find on youtube or anywhere. ex-member testimonies, documentaries on the people who are still living in it, etc. i watched several documentaries on the amish, i watched ex jehovah's witnesses testimonies, i watched one documentary about gwen shamblin, even the ones that are about mlm's because honestly? it illustrates stuff quite well sometimes. even people breaking down why and how the protag was indoctrinated in midsommar.

(some i have been recommended but haven't watched yet: shiny happy people, keep sweet: pray and obey

the ones i watched about the amish/mennonites: breaking the silence, meet the mennonites, why i left the amish, inside the community, the amish way of life

the one about gwen shamblin and the remnant fellowship: the millionaire preacher with a weight loss cult

i can't find that one jehovah's witness testimony i watched but here's the other video i watched about them so far: escaping jehovah's wittnesses

one i watched about nuns that illustrates leaving everything behind and uniformity and a huge emphasis on religion: what's life like as a nun?)

here's the bite model for assessing whether someone is or has been in a cult, basically gives you a checklist. i won't talk about how i would go about building a fantasy cult or anything because i think this draws attention to both the main and minor points of it. but do be cautious because some of the points get very intense.

the story i want to write is about being indoctrinated, so my main points will be an emotionally vulnerable protag and a cult that promises something good. something they want. conditional love, forgiveness they have to work hard for, community, rigid structure, self-sufficiency aka isolation, someone dubious to follow and listen to.

but if you were to write about someone born into a cult and wanting to escape or even just navigate it, common themes will be a relatively happy childhood when they don't know any better, The Realisation, and then the stage when they want to leave but don't know where to go because all their friends and family are in the cult. plus, do they want to leave? maybe they should just work harder, no? but then there's the possibility of being kicked out and shunned so the decision is made for them, which is even scarier and extremely painful.

for life outside the cult, there are organisations that try to help former cult members, a lot of times comprising of other former cult members who have escaped and understand the struggle. one thing the guy in breaking the silence highlights is not trying to tell fresh escapees what to do and how to do it. they just escaped a cult! they don't wanna be told what to do anymore!

also there will be the obvious struggles, like loss of community, feeling isolated again, trying to build relationships with people that just don't get it and that you don't get, having missed out on a traditional childhood and being unable to relate etc., but there will also be strange struggles like the amish guy mentions of like... going into a clothing store for the first time in his life after years and years and years of having all his clothes custom made by his mother. he didn't know his size, didn't know the types of jeans, but the most startling realisation was that there was a women's section. it didn't even cross his mind! girls and women never wore pants in his community! how can he even tell which ones are girl jeans? he didn't want to embarrass himself, so he just left.

sooooo...... i think that's it for my info and sources? oh, and clearly i like to immerse myself in the source material, like the bible. it's very interesting to see which sections have been taken out of context and amplified for different denominations/cults. i can see what parts the amish read aloud, i can see which parts they don't. i can see where they get some of the rules, but i can also see how they're disproved in the same book by the same god and why they don't really want their children and people to read the entirety of it. in one community, the rule was that everyone had to read the bible in german - while at the same time they stopped teaching german in their schools.

OKAY now i'm really done. again please take everything with a grain of salt :) the closest i've ever gotten to a real cult irl was through my classmate and ex-boyfriend who was a member of the faith church (which might be an exclusively hungarian thing? hitgyülekezet for any hungarians reading lol) and who just said the most bonkers shit and really messed me up. but that's it. everything else is through documentaries and stuff. but i hope this helps anyway :)

[vizthedatum]

If someone cares about me, even if they have whatever attachment style, trauma, personality type, culture, etc., then they will care about how their actions made me feel.

It is a sign of emotional maturity and alignment with me for this to occur. I consider it love and consideration… and I acknowledge that it’s hard to do if it hasn’t been modeled for you or if you’re emotionally unregulated. A lot of people may not consciously be emotionally toxic or harmful, but that doesn’t lessen the hurt or even the amount of repair that needs to be done for a relationship to thrive and continue.

—

What’s not emotional maturity based on misaligned relationships of my past? Here are some of the red flags I’ve encountered:

If they say they’re not good enough or not doing enough when you express hurt over them not meeting your needs (an example: I needed emotional support and healthcare support during a pregnancy scare (which is still ongoing - I still feel pregnant, and I am still awaiting one more test result to clinically confirm either way)).

Reversing the conversation to talk about all the struggles they’re facing when the conversation was initially about how their actions and beliefs impacted you negatively. (An example: my former best friend shutting down every conversation by talking about her hectic work schedule and how her father’s death impacted her… when both things were not relevant to the issue at hand. While these are valid things to go through and I’m not trying to minimize, they allowed her to not take any accountability for her hurtful behavior for several years (it started before her father’s death, to be honest). She would throw tantrums over completely unrelated things when the focus wasn’t on her, especially if she did something to either belittle, gossip about, or actively hurt someone else.)

Telling you that you’re too much, controlling, needy, mentally unwell, mentally unstable, reactive, unreasonable, crazy, manic, emotionally unstable, etc. when you’re expressing needs for more time, attention, and prioritization over things that you value in your connection. (I have had multiple exes deflect in arguments by distracting me from my reality of being hurt or unfulfilled by questioning my mental state.)

Causing you to feel lonely or feel that there’s something wrong with you. (If this happens, relationship repair must occur - people need to talk and figure it out. Otherwise, it can be a perpetual thorn in the relationship. It may be a sign to break up if people continue feeling this way after multiple attempts to repair.)

Telling you that they don’t know why you’re upset or continuously pushing aside (or ignoring) your hurt, when you have told them multiple times. Feigning ignorance or exasperation that you’re still upset.

Having you agree to things that goes against your personal boundaries - such as having to agree to keep parts of your relationship quiet. People often do this to gain control over situations or to cover up their careless behavior. I’ve unfortunately fallen for it and agreed to several such agreements because u thought I was being considerate, even if I was the one trying to express how hurt or silenced I felt. (Example: an ex told me not to tell my friends how hurt I was over his cheating and how he didn’t think my body type was good enough to be his girlfriend while secretly dating me.)

(Another example: my most recent ex-partner asked me to not tell my metamour about my pregnancy when I was the one who was extremely upset/distraught that they hadn’t told anyone what I was going through for weeks. I had been going through a serious pregnancy scare for at least 2-3 weeks at the time, and we were kitchen table poly. My ex-metamour also was actively reading my blog, and I knew they’d find out one way or another anyway. They were also my friend at the time. My ex-partner, marred by their thoughts/feelings of me not being pregnant, even though I plead to them that I was - framed the situation by saying that I wasn’t even sure I was pregnant (they gaslighted me multiple times) and they eventually told their other partner this information under that framing. They told their partner after I broke the agreement due to my ex-metamour guessing what I was going through. I was already going through an incredibly isolating experience where my partner wasn’t treating my experience with the level of seriousness it required, I agreed to a ridiculous agreement, I broke the agreement by telling my ex-metamour “yes” when she wanted to guess what was going on with me, and then I got yelled at… they’re still upset that I broke it while completely ignoring that I had to change my whole entire way of caring for my health while I face pregnancy symptoms for weeks.)

[deaniewagner]

full name: geraldine marie wagner

nicknames: deanie

age: 29

star sign: december 29th (capricorn)

hometown: fairford, wa

occupation: assistant curator at the art institute

pronouns/gender: she/her, cis female

time in town: 29 years (away for college)

current residence: apartment downtown

general facts

if you asked Harris and Caroline Wagner to their faces if they had a child to save their marriage, they'd deny it. however, deanie was born after a terse and cold period in their marriage at the tail end of a year long separation (and rumored pending divorce) that was seemingly resolved by her birth -- so people drew their own conclusions

being a good chunk younger than her siblings, deanie grew up fairly self-sufficient (if not a little lonely). she was well studied and well behaved with many hobbies. she never rocked the boat or talked back to her parents for fear of earning their disappointment.

deanie had a talent for drawing at a young age -- she'd pour hours into sketches, which then turned to charcoal drawings, and then watercolors, and then dabbling in every possible medium she could get her hands on. she won several prizes for her art in her grade and high school years.

with law being the family business for everyone else,it took a lot of nerve to ask her father if she could apply to the royal college to study fine arts. harlan told his daughter that her talents were "pedestrian at best". gutted by the revelation, she left the application abandoned and attended brown university for art history, and her masters not long after.

while they were both attending school on the east coast, deanie started dating fellow fairford native everett chapman, who was attending yale for medical school. she moved back home with him during his medical internship at elite wellness collective and they became engaged after nearly five years of dating -- before he left to do his residency in boston.

deanie is currently planning her wedding while in a long distance relationship with him, working at the art institute, and trying to bottle down the feeling that maybe she's gone wrong somewhere along the way.

because she should be happy, right?

personality

+ curious, detailed, inviting

- obedient, cautious, analytical

fun facts

can speak french and italian, can also play piano and violin

huge phobia of open water

allergic to strawberries

has a white, long haired cat named meringue

the friend that reminds you to stay hydrated

favorite flower is tulips, favorite ice cream is black cherry, favorite holiday is valentines day, favorite movie is 'some like it hot'

current connections

fiance` everett chapman (npc)

older brother @rcnanwagner

older sister @ceceliawagner

childhood (former) best friend/future brother in law @tysonchapmans

future sister in law @gemchap

wanted connections

next door neighbor -- someone who grew up on the same block as deanie, probably her age, who she could play with and share childhood memories with

best friend -- probably someone she's been close with from at least high school and onward

exes/former flames -- probably mostly high school exes or summer flings from the early college years, since deanie has been in a relaitonship most of her adult/post college life

extended family -- other wangers or the acosta branch (if i'm following that right)

girls night crew -- would love to have a group of girls all around the same age who get together to drink and talk and gossip etc ( would likely be her bridesmaids)

i'm open to any and all other ideas you may have too if something sparks to mind!

hmu on discord at bendela#8730

[dalekaiken]

how did u come up with the initial ideas for ur fics ?? :3

I'll reply with my current multichapter fics bc my oneshots are mostly... Sudden ideas I get, such as Keeping Promises being a fic I wrote in one sitting after finishing Unleashed bc I was inspired. XD (Or I wrote the first draft in one sitting but you know-)

DNA Collision: I absolutely adore when people draw Shadow with more alien-like features, such as giving him yellow scleras, tiny scales, or a third eye! But the fanart made me think... What if there was a reason Shadow looked like that/more alien, especially considering that he didn't originally even know he's half alien. My original idea was that Eggman would do something that would make him mutate, but then I thought it might be a bit of a lazy choice, plus then fixing it would be a lot easier because they'd already know the cause. My bestie came up with the idea that it would happen suddenly while Shadow was racing/using Chaos Control, and I liked that idea. (I can't tell how/why it happens since that's a spoiler, but you'll find out eventually ehehe). I like aliens, sci-fi, and body horror (although I don't wanna make the body horror parts too graphic in the fic but still. It's a part of it), but there's also metaphors etc. in it. I'll probably talk more about those once I finish the fic, because for now I want readers to make their own interpretations and speculations >:3

Prophecy of Chaos: The ship I was super obsessed with before Sonadow was Catradora, and since I tend to like certain types of dynamics, I kinda noticed lots of similarities between them XDD (I mean, they're a snarky hero with a heart of gold and their former enemy with a traumatic backstory) I think I also saw a tumblr post where someone pointed out that the way Boom!Shadow acts is like a bitter ex/former childhood best friend, and that made me think... What would Sonic and Shadow be like if they had been childhood best friends who had a falling out? I think I jokingly told my friends like "what if I made an AU that's kinda like the premise of She-Ra but with Sonadow" but then I actually got invested in it. It just works so well with Sonic characters and Sonic lore, with the whole chosen one thing and friendship being a big theme in both series. My bestie @tillytilli had lots of suggestions for the AU, and then I asked if they'd like to be a co-creator. Plus with two people working on it made it possible for us to make several illustrations for each chapter; usually three art pieces for each chapter, one by me, one by Tilli and one being a collab between us. So yeah, the premise and some elements are inspired by She-Ra, but the plot will differ a lot since we didn't want it to just be a retelling of that story, we wanted to also make it our own story. Plus we haven't really assigned the characters certain roles (except the obvious ones, like Sonic having Adora's role, Shadow Catra's, Infinite Shadow Weaver's, and Eggman Hordak's. But even some of those are a bit mixed, especially between Sonic and Shadow) because we felt like it would limit the characters too much, and we wanted them to be themselves first and foremost if that makes sense? (So like. You don't need any knowledge of She-Ra to read the fic. Sonic knowledge is more important since there's lore and references XD)

Impactful Skip: I came up with the idea around the time the sneak peek of Sonic and Nine in Sonic Prime came out. Since Nine was a traumatized child because he never met Sonic, it made me think... How would Tails turn out if he had had Sonic, and then lost him? Because he would know what he was missing. Sonic and Tails are so close that I feel like neither of them would be the same if they lost each other. I think I was also subconsciously inspired by that one episode of Futurama where Fry has to test the time machine with Bender and the Professor so he's late from his date with Leela, but the time travel goes wrong and Leela thinks he's dead. (This scene especially always BREAKS me) I didn't like... Actively think about that episode while thinking about the premise, but then I remembered it after a while and was like OH. Another inspiration for it was that one tumblr post I can't find sadly but it was like... "Why would you tell a post-apocalyptic story if not to show the kindness of humanity?" And it's a big part of Impactful Skip, because while Tails has turned against all his friends, his friends still stick together and try to find hope and kindness towards one another even in a world with barely any hope left.

Thank you for asking! I'm really enthusiactic about these stories so I'm always happy to explain about them! ✨✨

[born-to-lose]

I love being the always single person in my family, mad respect to my sister for constantly dating guys for the last 8 years, I would have shot myself

[udretlnea]

Fav. Library Event (Headcanons; Piece #1/5)

A/N: "For the creator’s event at the Favonius Library”.

Taglist: @theblueskyofthedawn​

Headcanons

Venti

On the anniversary of their victory against Decarabian, he goes to that one tree in Stormterror’s Lair and plays a song he used to sing to his old friend during the past.

After the GAA event with Mona, Fischl, Kazuha, & Xinyan he fell off the roof of the Cat’s Tail and into a bundle of cats; he ended up bedridden in the church for several days.

The most drinks he’s ever consumed in one sitting was 100, and that was during one particularly bountiful Weinlesefest in Mondstadt.

(Ehe~)

Xiao

Created small shrines to the other Yakshas in a secret compartment in his room at the Inn; he regularly gives offerings of items that he thinks they'd like. (Ex: Bonanus- Rice Buns, Indarias- Chili Minced Cornbread Buns, etc.)

After hearing Venti play on the flute once, Xiao went and tried carving one himself to practice with; keyword tried because he has no experience in woodcarving. The result looks terrible, but he keeps it stashed in the aforementioned compartment.

When not suffering from karmic debt or slaying demons, sometimes he observes mortals coming and going in his little bird form, pretending to be nothing more than what he appears.

(I miss the other Yakshas...but their deeds won’t be forgotten anytime soon so that’s nice.)

Nahida

She makes bento for the Wanderer’s lunch, even decorating it with a cute lil’ Aranara made out of a radish.

Whenever Wanderer comes to visit report to Nahida, she takes the time to ask him MomTM questions like, “How was your day?”, “Anything interesting catch your eye?”, “Would you like me to make your favorite?”

 You know those Aranara in her character demo? She plays games with them irl whenever her duties take her near Vanarana.

(No thoughts, only Nahida-Mother brainrot)

Heizou

He has his own fanclub; they’re a small but passionate group.

Heizou thought that deep-fried food was mid at first, but after the day he received his Vision his perception of it shifted as a result of the trauma and thus it now tasted delicious.

Despite not looking like it, Heizou is a decent beetle battler; he’s managed to win against Yoimiya, but not Ayato.

(I lowkey like Heizou. People should appreciate him more.)

Kazuha

When Tomo was still alive, Kazuha would pluck a strand of the former’s hair and be able to play music from it as if it were a leaf.

Kazuha used to have nightmares about that day of Tomo’s execution whenever there was stormy weather, but after putting his friend’s vision in front of his grave they aren’t so intense anymore.

On one particularly fair day, Kazuha napped on a rather warm rock until sunset; he was later woken up by an amused Hu Tao who mistook him for a dead body and was in the middle of taking measurements for his coffin. The two sheepishly explained what they were doing to each other and quickly left; the event stuck with Kazuha throughout the present.

(I kind of went off with the last one here; I’m lowkey proud of it)

Tighnari

Tighnari once forgot to pack enough water during a trip to the desert for research and started acting like a clown because of thirst-induced hallucination; Dehya and co. found him before he could hurt himself and helped him recover. Tighnari doesn’t know that Dehya found him like that while the latter thought it was mildly amusing.

After the events of Nahida’s second story quest, the Traveler went to inform Tighnari about Nur and the other mushrooms at Mawtiyima Forest; now he helps tend to the garden there (if you did the quest, you know what I’m talking about).

When Collei still had Eleazar, if he heard anyone badmouth or berate Collei he would personally see to it the offender would be stuck with some embarrassing chore.

(Idk what went through my mind with the first one other than “shenanigans”. It was midnight.)

Albedo

Keeps a pouch of snacks inside his coat; it’s filled with spiders covered in a sweet resin (it sounds gross, but it’s actually quite tasty).

He’s gotten so detailed at sketching that he’s definitely opened commissions at least thrice; practically all citizens of Mondstadt flock to his office to ask for them so he’s had to set up a hard limit of ten commissions.

During the Irodori Festivsl he came across an onikabuto battle and was fascinated enough to go out and try it himself. He sometimes writes essays on the optimal and ideal form to engage in onikabuto fights.

(Can you tell that I loved the Onikabuto event so much I included it in several of these headcanons?)

Xingqiu

On one particularly sunny day, he tried to successfully practice the moves he read in his martial-arts book. He keeps practicing so as to have another option if he were disarmed in combat one day.

Thanks to the above, Shenhe and Xingqiu have developed a minor respect and the former even gives pointers on the off-chance she runs into the middle of his practice.

His hair used to be more professional and traditional, but he insisted on getting it cut to resemble Yelan’s haircut after that one encounter with her (see About Yelan) because he thought she was cool-looking.

(Nothing special on this one. This one’s fine.)

Sucrose

Regularly writes to Collei asking for updates on her teachings and offers to donate her books to Collei; Collie appreciates it, but declines because she’s determined like that.

At first, Sucrose didn’t have time for nor was interested in TCG, but after playing with the Traveler and Fischl she got hooked and now low-key collects cards a la Cyno.

When it’s just her and Albedo working together in general, she feels comfortable and safe enough to let her ears stand up.

(I wonder if Hoyo will have Sucrose and Collei interact again...)

[deep-ocean-grey]

(Ex) best friends and ghosting.

Recently, I got ghosted by my former best friend. We had been friends since 4th grade back in elementary school. After we got to know each other, we were inseparable ever since. Our friendship lasted many years and I guess we both were something the other one needed badly in her life. For a very long time, she was my only close friend and I shared everything with her. My time, my feelings, my secrets. I would have sacrificed my own life for her and I trusted her with my life. She was everything for me. I was there for her and so was she for me. Always.

After elementary school, she moved away. Not far away but we both did not have money for buying public transport tickets again and again and also we were both still quite young. So we couldn't meet that often any more. But our friendship got through this.

After several further years, I moved away as well. Farther away. Slowly, our contact decreased more and more. I got depressed. I realized that it was a bad decision to move away. I hated my job there and my relationship with my ex boyfriend went straight downhill. I endured this situation for a while. For too long. But I managed to move forward with my life and moved back near my hometown. I was optimistic again, I felt better.

My life seemed to be quite good for some time but it took not long to go downhill again. And it got worse than ever. Depression hit me like Mount Everest in my face, deaths of beloved people, bullying at work, symptoms of burnout, and another traumatic situation hit me; and it took me a long time to get out of these dark places. I didn't talk about this a lot and, above all, with very few people. I didn't have the energy to talk about it and so I didn't tell her. I didn't ask her for help. I just couldn't. I wanted contact with her, I wanted her help - because she was through such things as well and managed to get over it - but I just couldn't.

She had troubles keeping in touch in general. I knew that and it was ok for me most of the time. Our friendship was not weakened by not texting every day or even every week or month. It was fine for me being "in charge" for keeping in touch. But this changed with my depression. Keeping in touch with family and friends is - until to date - one of my biggest issues and challenges me a lot. Answering messages, calling through etc. It really drained and still drains all my energy. I wished that she would check up on me more often when I didn't text at all. But she didn't.

After I texted her again some time later and tried to explain why I wasn't keeping in touch any more - when I was about to start therapy - she explained to me that it wasn't her intention to hurt me by not texting. She was under the impression that - now that I had a new boyfriend after moving back near my hometown - I was so happy, I wouldn't need her anymore. Obviously, we were hurt simultaneously. So we tried to re-build or bond. But apparently, we failed.

We tried to extensively tell each other about the lives we were living by now (summer 2022) and for me it was great to slowly getting a part of her life and having her in mine again. After one message in said summer, I didn't receive an answer. I didn't worry about it too much because, by now, she became a mother. Twice to be precise. Ans she got married. She had a busy life and so I was patient. In autumn, I texted her again and suggested to visit her in October because I was going to have two weeks off. One checkmark. My message did not get delivered.

Several months later, on her birthday in April this year, I texted her my congratulations for her birthday. I texted her on Instagram because my last message on WhatsApp was not delivered. She saw the message, but never answered. She unfollowed me and deleted me as follower on her profile. She didn't text me for my birthday some days later. And then, she deactivated her profile. That's it. She ghosted me and left me in pieces.

I would possibly be able to contact her via usual text messages or maybe via Tumblr. But obviously, she doesn't want to get contacted by me. But the urge to tell her, how bad she hurts me with this is almost unbearable. Mainly, I am writing this right now to clear my mind a bit. I was pushing away my feelings about this the last weeks. I just didn't want to deal with it right now. But continuing to push it away will only cause more problems for me and my mental health. I'm still thinking about telling her how hurt I am, and angry, and disappointed. Maybe she'll even see this post. But this would mean that she would need to actively check on my profile since she unfollowed me on Tumblr as well.

I wished I could just hate her. To hate seems to be so much easier than to be hurt, than to miss and to regret how things went. But I don't and that makes me even more angry, but with myself. I hate that I'm tearing up again and again while writing this, I hate to have all those mixed feelings inside me.

.

I'm trying to find strategies for me to deal with this. Currently, I am trying to figure out and focus on the things that were negative for me in our friendship, e.g. how she talked shit about my first boyfriend more than a decade ago, how she always relied on me keeping in touch, that she always wanted to be "entertained" be me when we met because she got bored very easily. I'm trying to find reasons why it may be good that it's over so that I can move on. But... is this mean? Am I the bad person now? Was it all my fault? Could I have done anything different/better? I don't know.

I'm still grateful for all the goods things in this friendship, for everything she did for me, but at the moment, remembering this just hurts. I know I need to let all those feelings in and learn to deal with them. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go.

[depressotalk]

(Ex) best friends and ghosting.

Recently, I got ghosted by my former best friend. We had been friends since 4th grade back in elementary school. After we got to know each other, we were inseparable ever since. Our friendship lasted many years and I guess we both were something the other one needed badly in her life. For a very long time, she was my only close friend and I shared everything with her. My time, my feelings, my secrets. I would have sacrificed my own life for her and I trusted her with my life. She was everything for me. I was there for her and so was she for me. Always.

After elementary school, she moved away. Not far away but we both did not have money for buying public transport tickets again and again and also we were both still quite young. So we couldn't meet that often any more. But our friendship got through this.

After several further years, I moved away as well. Farther away. Slowly, our contact decreased more and more. I got depressed. I realized that it was a bad decision to move away. I hated my job there and my relationship with my ex boyfriend went straight downhill. I endured this situation for a while. For too long. But I managed to move forward with my life and moved back near my hometown. I was optimistic again, I felt better.

My life seemed to be quite good for some time but it took not long to go downhill again. And it got worse than ever. Depression hit me like Mount Everest in my face, deaths of beloved people, bullying at work, symptoms of burnout, and another traumatic situation hit me; and it took me a long time to get out of these dark places. I didn't talk about this a lot and, above all, with very few people. I didn't have the energy to talk about it and so I didn't tell her. I didn't ask her for help. I just couldn't. I wanted contact with her, I wanted her help - because she was through such things as well and managed to get over it - but I just couldn't.

She had troubles keeping in touch in general. I knew that and it was ok for me most of the time. Our friendship was not weakened by not texting every day or even every week or month. It was fine for me being "in charge" for keeping in touch. But this changed with my depression. Keeping in touch with family and friends is - until to date - one of my biggest issues and challenges me a lot. Answering messages, calling through etc. It really drained and still drains all my energy. I wished that she would check up on me more often when I didn't text at all. But she didn't.

After I texted her again some time later and tried to explain why I wasn't keeping in touch any more - when I was about to start therapy - she explained to me that it wasn't her intention to hurt me by not texting. She was under the impression that - now that I had a new boyfriend after moving back near my hometown - I was so happy, I wouldn't need her anymore. Obviously, we were hurt simultaneously. So we tried to re-build or bond. But apparently, we failed.

We tried to extensively tell each other about the lives we were living by now (summer 2022) and for me it was great to slowly getting a part of her life and having her in mine again. After one message in said summer, I didn't receive an answer. I didn't worry about it too much because, by now, she became a mother. Twice to be precise. Ans she got married. She had a busy life and so I was patient. In autumn, I texted her again and suggested to visit her in October because I was going to have two weeks off. One checkmark. My message did not get delivered.

Several months later, on her birthday in April this year, I texted her my congratulations for her birthday. I texted her on Instagram because my last message on WhatsApp was not delivered. She saw the message, but never answered. She unfollowed me and deleted me as follower on her profile. She didn't text me for my birthday some days later. And then, she deactivated her profile. That's it. She ghosted me and left me in pieces.

I would possibly be able to contact her via usual text messages or maybe via Tumblr. But obviously, she doesn't want to get contacted by me. But the urge to tell her, how bad she hurts me with this is almost unbearable. Mainly, I am writing this right now to clear my mind a bit. I was pushing away my feelings about this the last weeks. I just didn't want to deal with it right now. But continuing to push it away will only cause more problems for me and my mental health. I'm still thinking about telling her how hurt I am, and angry, and disappointed. Maybe she'll even see this post. But this would mean that she would need to actively check on my profile since she unfollowed me on Tumblr as well.

I wished I could just hate her. To hate seems to be so much easier than to be hurt, than to miss and to regret how things went. But I don't and that makes me even more angry, but with myself. I hate that I'm tearing up again and again while writing this, I hate to have all those mixed feelings inside me.

.

I'm trying to find strategies for me to deal with this. Currently, I am trying to figure out and focus on the things that were negative for me in our friendship, e.g. how she talked shit about my first boyfriend more than a decade ago, how she always relied on me keeping in touch, that she always wanted to be "entertained" be me when we met because she got bored very easily. I'm trying to find reasons why it may be good that it's over so that I can move on. But... is this mean? Am I the bad person now? Was it all my fault? Could I have done anything different/better? I don't know.

I'm still grateful for all the goods things in this friendship, for everything she did for me, but at the moment, remembering this just hurts. I know I need to let all those feelings in and learn to deal with them. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go.

[bookio]

There's Nowhere to Run (2016) by Ester Eriksson

Read for literature class. Olivia, a young adult, starts developing severe paranoia and anxiety. Her boyfriend is ashamed of this state and becomes verbally abusive. With help of friends she signs herself into a mental ward where she receives treatment for a short while and medicine. Her boyfriend breaks up with her because of this. After a huge anxiety attack she tries to eat all the pills and later wakes up at the hospital. She's later sent to the ward for a longer time.

The comic then follows her life in the mental ward, getting treatment and talking out about the overwhelming fear of death after her mother's passing, and a classmate who died in their sleep. Olivia tries to hang herself in the bathroom at the ward but fails, and gets restrictions like not allowed to go out. Weeks later she's granted a permission and uses this time to visit and have sex with her (still asshole) ex. A while later she finds out she's pregnant, but due to her mental state and medicines, quickly also experiences a miscarriage. Through art and help from staff, she's able to slowly heal her mind and seem to get better. She connects with one of the male caretakers, sadly thinking it's love. The caretaker is however quick to inform the higher ups and through a meeting makes it clear for Olivia that there's no romance.

The epilogue shows Olivia back to living in her own apartment, but police bust into the door saying that her friends have been calling and calling, thinking she finally gone through with suicide. This is not the case and she gives affirmation to the officers that she's fine, but realize she's never going to be free from this label of being mentally unstable.

Despite the dark theme i thought it was a great book! The pacing is really captive and had details i've never heard about before. I found myself wishing for Olivia's wellness even though i first got really frustrated with her illogical fears and behavior. But humans are like that!! I've been there too! The mind is really fragile and need caring for as well, and i honestly find her so brave for actually seeking help voluntary instead of waiting for something devastating to happen. 4/5 stars

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Buddhism in 10 minutes

Got this book from my grandma who was very religious in Buddhism, and she passed away 2019 which means during these 4 years (now's 2023) i couldn't take 10 minutes out of my life and read a short book of my grandma's wishes? Wow, I'm a disgrace.

Beside history class and serval temple visits with my relatives, i've never actually spent time reading about Buddhism views and rules on life. What i gathered from this short book is generally that you should be a good person towards others and yourself, and karma works like a point system. You're might be going through bad things today because you were a bad person in your former life so you have to work extra hard, but the book also mentions the confusion of rich people doing bad things but still live in luxury, to which this book excuses it that they might have done something positively big like donate a ridiculous amount to charity, gotten high karma points through that, and so is able to live on peacefully despite oil drilling or something. The part about people being born with disabilities was also a bit troubling to read about....

The book had specific rules of living for every kind of human (examples: the parent, the child, if you're a business owner, if you're a husband, if you're a student etc) but they all comes down to "be a good person, help and respect others". I however really disliked the outdated view about the wife is suppose to basically obey their husband and do housework, while the husband is to make money and buy necessities for the family. When partnership is suppose to be teamwork?

Honestly this copy is really weird. It's obviously a self printed book, probably sold from a small specific temple my grandma temporary visited (our local temple to which she went to frequently didn't have these kind of books?) or maybe handed out for free. But many of it's chapters continuously mentions how important it is to SPEND MONEY and DONATE, the words are mentioned suspiciously frequent between the rules of living a Buddhist life. But i don't think money is suppose to take up this much space?

Either way, i liked this bit:

"Chap 11. Success. Everybody wishes to be successful in whatever in attempted. The Buddha recommended 4 kinds of practice called Iddhipada as follows: Preference, the willingness and gladness to do: Patience, the willpower to exert efforts towards the aim having been set forth; Perseverance, the undaunted courage in the face of baffling difficulties or threatening danger: and Pondering, to be able to weigh the pros and cons carefully, to consider or approach the matter in question from all angles. These from Pātikavagga of the Long Sayings."

It fits into the everyday life of struggling to find motivation - like me! I'm not gonna rate this one, but can finally check it off my TBR-list.