#self patience

[theshunbun]

Impie again~ ♡

[free--therapy]

Hii it's anon!

First of all, thank you for all the kind words. You're absolutely right about me having low self-esteem. But it's like...there are times where the self-esteem spikes up and I feel arrogant almost (like if I do something worth being proud of) and then there are other times where it's at very low lol

Like you said, I've been trying to not hate myself for feeling jealous but instead focus on what I can do. I have to say that I've had times where I've let that jealousy or envy get the better of me and let it show in my actions. And I hate myself for that tbh. I hate that I could feel and even more so, act that way to someone I genuinely cherish.

I also know that since childhood I've been somewhat of a attention seeker however that turned into feeling low about myself as I grew up. Also, exactly like you said, my parents have had the same expectations from me too! In school, I had to be the best then in college, again very high expectations from me and now, they expect me to find a very good job as well. It's like the expectations never end. And while in school, it was easy for me to fulfill or even exceed their expectations but as I went to college and things started getting more challenging, it got harder for me to match what they expect from me.

In school, it was almost like, I used to feel this sense of "superiority" for being one of the top performers of the class always and I didn't even have to try hard for it back then. That changed after I started college and it was like I was thrown into reality or something. Seeing so many amazing students just made me feel like I had been completely wrong about myself my whole life and that maybe I wasn't anything special either. It's like, in school, my sense of identity came from my academic accomplishments. So to have that stripped away from me made me feel small.

I've been raised up constantly being compared to my cousins and peers and that has made me feel smaller with time. I love my family and my parents, I really do. But growing up like that, hearing those things from them has made me collect all this bottled up frustration honestly especially since they haven't fulfilled many of my needs either, so if they can be disappointed in me, I can be disappointed in them too. Granted, it's my fault that I never was vocal about my needs and wants growing up due to many reasons so maybe that's why they didn't give me what I needed. But I was young so I expected them to understand but no one did. Instead, I was the one who always had to "understand" and be the "good child" for them.

However, in trying to become that good child, all I did was ending up bottling everything up and becoming a bad child after all. Doing things just to make others notice me, being selfish, wanting others to think of me in a good way or to go to lengths so that others have a positive image of me in their minds. Making them love me and making that seem effortless. So many stupid things I've done honestly. But I still hope for the best for myself. I don't know if that makes me selfish or just human.

Anyway, these days, I've been trying to be kind to myself except it's very hard lol. I think over time, especially in the last three years, I've built a sense of guilt/shame which makes me constantly doubt my self identity whenever I try to be kind towards myself. I'm trying though.

That said, are any and all of my thoughts supposed to be this exhausting? Is this common?

I know I've been overthinking a lot in October and recently, I've just started getting kinda tired of all the constant stream of unwanted thoughts. I do try to rationalise or be mindful of them without judgement but many times, I end up labelling them as "bad" or "problematic" thoughts or end up sort of giving into the anxiety and sort of believing in what these thoughts seem to tell me.

And honestly, my head hurts from all the constant rumination and I've had enough of these thoughts. So I just sleep it off. I've noticed that my sleep schedule has been very bad recently (sleeping late, waking up late) and I've been sleeping more than usual. And most importantly, I've been feeling very on energy and tired a lot of times despite not doing anything the whole day.

I know a huge part of this has to do with the anxiety and overthinking and on top of that, I don't really have anything going on in my life right now since I'm home most of the time, so there's nothing much to keep mind engaged. I've just been feeling a bit like I don't have a purpose since I haven't found a job yet when most of my peers seem to already have got good jobs and seem ahead in life. It's just not the best period right now. But either way, I just don't want this to turn into a full blown depression spiral that's all.

Since I feel so tired, it's very easy to skip over small things like doing my skincare, drinking enough water and stuff. But I also know that not doing any of that stuff will just lead to more negativity for me. More than ever, I need to focus on myself and take care of myself now and so if I skip on it everyday, it's just going to make me feel worse.

So as much as I can, I'm trying to be compassionate, understanding and loving towards myself. I'm trying to take care and not believe these thoughts. As you said, it's cruel that having a good moment feels so suspicious. It's as if being happy for a day or two makes me question if things really are okay, if I'm really okay? Which just leads to thoughts coming up and I end up in a bit of a spiral. So having peaceful moments is just another trigger for an overthinking spiral too which is sad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. It's pretty tiring.

Sometimes I also feel like other people who are struggling with anxiety or overthinking can overcome it only because maybe their thoughts aren't as hard or bad as mine. It's like my mind tries to convince me that my case is worse than others and that's why I can't heal even if others did. But I know that is so not true. Lol my mind keeps chattering away

But who knew thoughts can seem so real or affect my life so much? I don't want to second guess every little action of mine anymore, be it from the past or present. I want to stay and make decisions in the present and focus on right now instead of trying to obsessively ruminate over the past trying to figure out "what my xyz action meant?" When really so many of them could've meant absolutely nothing too.

I hope I can get over this with some time and patience and love. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive! Thank you for all the support 💗

Hey Anon,

Don't beat yourself for feeling jealous and letting it get the best of you. You are human and it's a natural emotion that you will experience. It's a good reminder to see certain areas that need to still be worked on and not something that should make you feel bad towards yourself.

Living up to someone else's expectations will never make you feel good about yourself because other people's expectations are usually very unrealistic and possible unattainable. At the end of the day, the only person whose opinions and expectations that really matter are your own and if they seem like they're lower than your parents, then so what?? This is about your happiness and if you feel satisfied with what you've achieved and where you've come from, then that's all that matters. Living for others will always have them moving the bar and you'll never be satisfied. You'll eventually come to realize that you're actually living for someone else's dreams and not your own. You should only be striving to seek your own approval and validation and not for your parents. Of course we all want to make our parents be proud of us, but at the end of the day, if they truly care about you and your happiness, then you have to figure out what makes you happy. Live YOUR dreams, not theirs!

That said, are any and all of my thoughts supposed to be this exhausting? Is this common?

They shouldn't be, no, but you're still working towards figuring things out, so this process will take up a lot of your energy. You will come to figure out how to expend less energy over time as you work towards quieting that voice in your mind. Again, be kind to yourself and patient if things don't happen as quickly as you'd like them to. Sometimes it's just a matter of figuring out or trying something different you've never done before.

Sometimes I also feel like other people who are struggling with anxiety or overthinking can overcome it only because maybe their thoughts aren't as hard or bad as mine. It's like my mind tries to convince me that my case is worse than others and that's why I can't heal even if others did. But I know that is so not true.

Honestly, a lot of people are not facing their fears and are actually trying to escape their mind with distractions, so it seems like everything is okay with them, but they're actually in avoidance. You're doing way better than these people who are usually in denial that they have anything wrong with them, so as much as it feels like you're struggling, you're brave enough to go into the battlefield of your mind to figure out how to win this war in your mind.

You absolutely will overcome this anon. You're doing way better than you realize and a lot better than your peers, even if it may feel like that's not the case. Keep going, okay!? ❤

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

[chibird]

It’s hard to be patient because we want to become our best selves and accomplish things as soon as possible! But good things take time, and we can be kind to ourselves while we get there. 🙏💛

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

[glensys]

Gentle Reminders 4

Everyone is a WIP. You are constantly learning and changing and growing. And you will always be growing up until your final breath. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you are always going forward, no matter how much you mess up or relapse. Each mistake you make, you’re learning how to better handle it. Every bone you break heals back stronger than before. And the same goes for everyone else. So give yourself and those around you the patience to learn and grow and be better.

☘️ Durza (She/Her)

[abd-illustrates]

💛 The "Heartless" community tab just got approved! 💛

I still don't know a ton about Tumblr's community feature, but I will be sharing my future (and maybe re-sharing some past? 👀) Heartless posts into here from here on out!

Y'all are very welcome to join this space if you'd like a focused lil' community timeline to enjoy everyone's Heartlessposting in! (^^)/

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

christ sometimes I just wanna. steal a time machine & go back & sit down next to my 9-year-old self and just like. let them pull out their pokemon card binder & gush about their holographic gyarados or whatever. I'd just smile & ask questions about motherfukcing bulbasaur & tell my kid self that I thought they were a neat person, & someday they'd find other people who thought so too.

like i'm a grown adult who honestly finds most kids stuff boring, but. damn if i could go back & hang out with my baby self & listen to them ramble...just so they knew someone was listening. i would in a heartbeat. thinking about u kid

[comfort-character-central]

Your f/o would never make you feel bad about your intelligence or the way your mind works. Even if you have a hard time understanding or processing, they'll never see you as dumb, stupid, or anything of that sort. They support you completely and the last thing they want is for you to feel insecure about it.

[motivatedaily]

[haleyincarnate]

Reminder to be gentle with yourself today. You are living and loving the best you can in the position you're currently in. Rest when you need. Tuck yourself in at night. Keep doing what you can.

[theshunbun]

Trying is enough for Impie ♡♡♡

[free--therapy]

hello there. this is my first time trying this. i hope i am not bothering you.

i don't know what i am doing wrong. i don't know how to do this. i always mess up when i talk about my feelings or try to express my issues with someone. the other person mostly ends up overthinking about it or taking it the wrong way. and my attempt to talk abd express myself blows out of proportion. it's scary when that happens and that keeps me from talking to people about mye issues with them. i feel like i should just be silent about it instead of talking it out. it's taking a toll though and the cycle keeps repeating. what do i do? i am at a loss here. i do wish i could express myself better, and that people wouldn't scare me away by reaching non-existent conclusions. (yes i know people have their own insecurities and problems. and i always end up thinking or considering that before speaking)

i really do not know how to go about this.

im sorry

Hey Anon,

I know that it's scary to express yourself and get caught up in making sure you're expressing yourself properly so that you're heard. My best advice is to just speak slowly so you can get everything out there. If it helps, maybe even make a list of all the things you want to say so that you're prepared when it comes time to telling your feelings to someone. I know how easy it is to either forget something that you wanted to say, or to worry how the other person will take it, and then skip out on saying something you really wanted to express in the first place.

Try not to worry about how the other person would react when it comes to expressing yourself. I know it can be challenging, but you should never let how someone will react deter you from saying everything you want to say. Maybe even let these people know when they start making conclusions to let you finish expressing yourself first. Some people like to listen to react, instead of listening to respond.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself. The more you practice, the better you'll get at expressing what you need to say. There's no need to keep holding things in, especially if they're really bothering you. Communication is a powerful tool.

[raining-at-ease]

[positivelypositivethoughts]

[desultory-suggestions]

It's normal to feel stuck sometimes. You cannot excel all of the time, or at everything. Even the things you know you can do will become difficult at times. Focus on taking care of yourself and let your mind rest as much as possible. You will be able to succeed again.

[wonilita]

౨ৎ How to start over

inspired by pinterest | ♡

ʚɞ get rid of toxic people and things like environments or apps.

ʚɞ clean your room

ʚɞ throw away things that you dont need / that are old

ʚɞ stay hydrated

ʚɞ always be positive

ʚɞ delete old convos with people you dont speak to anymore

ʚɞ find new interests like dancing or journaling

ʚɞ be nice and kind to everyone

ʚɞ learn to love yourself