#sacrificing without being asked and regretting it. and seeing sacrifice and knowing you wouldn’t do the same

[ovrarches]

I feel like we’re not capitalizing enough on the idea of Angelica and Eliza having a messy sibling dynamic like why are we not giving them that

[helliontherapscallion]

Why Couldn’t it Have Been Me?

Part 2

Paring: Wilbur Soot x reader (past), Ghostbur x reader

Disclaimer: This contains major spoilers for Tommyinnit’s 4/29 lore stream

Warnings: swearing, violence, death, near death, cheating, 4/29 lore stream, grief, blood, injury, panic attack

Word count: 6,737

(A/N): So in this, you’re Schlatt’s twin and Puffy’s your older sister. Also, sorry for any mistakes, I typed a good 2/3 of this on my phone

This was your own personal hell: being trapped within cement walls with your ex fiance, your asshole of a brother, and a Dream wannabe that seemed to never lose any energy. Your life was like a trope in a novel alive you would’ve liked, however being cursed to live in it made you absolutely loathe any and all mention of it. 

Alive you would’ve killed to hang out with your brother again, not the one that turned to the bottle. Alive you would’ve craved the sweet melodies that streamed from Wilbur’s mouth. You would’ve swooned and maybe, just maybe, you would’ve forgiven him. Alive you would’ve perhaps liked this ‘Mexican Dream’ guy, you would’ve perhaps become the best of friends. 

However you despised the three locked up with you with your whole heart. 

Your ex fiance was someone you adored. Hell, you even idolized him when you were alive. The Wilbur you knew was sweet, loving, attentive, and just all around someone that you swooned over. You could still remember how your heart exploded when he first asked you out under the setting sun by the ocean. You remembered every song he's written for you, every word and rhythm by heart, even after all these years. 

You remembered how you felt your heart completely shatter when you found the songs he had in his drafts for someone that wasn't you. Someone by the name of 'Sally'. After a heated argument you had broken up with him, taking the engagement ring off from your finger and throwing it deep into the ocean. You stayed on L'Manberg's side even after all that, too loyal and proud towards the country you helped forge to drop it. You wouldn't let some stupid boy or rabid tyrants prevent you from raising your beautiful nation up from the ashes.

That had been your downfall. You should've listened to Puffy and left the country behind when you had the chance, now you paid the ultimate price for your deep rooted loyalty and devotion towards independence. And your sacrifice didn't even matter in the end! Your deranged ex blew it all to smithereens. If you didn't despise him before, you absolutely did after your dumbass twin told you about his little 'escapades' while you were gone.

Every little thing Wilbur did, no matter how small it was, made you hate him even more. Every time he would shuffle those damned cards, it made you want to rip them to shreds and throw them across the train tracks. Every time he would sing or even breathe, you wanted to strangle him. You were absolutely certain that Schlatt felt the same. 

Oh, your twin was a real card. Always boasting about how his horns were bigger than yours (who even cares anymore? Yours grew in first anyways), telling the others about your shortcomings through crude jokes, even going as far as fighting you through headbutting; you could still feel the pain of being beaten to death before respawning immediately. Schlatt hadn’t known that you respawn even in the afterlife, so you knew he was serious about killing you. You just wanted Puffy, she was far more tolerable than your twin. 

The rustling of his suit jacket and his small grunts and pants resonated within the walls as he did various forms of exercising. You now knew about all of the differing variations of a pushup and you hated yourself for listening to his explanations. He would beg you, Mexican Dream, and Wilbur to stand on his back while he did his endless routines. The only one to readily take him up on that offer was Mexican Dream.

That man was arguably the only one you slightly tolerated, and you said that very lightly. He was still annoying as all hell, but he was a new face. Well, one that you didn’t know well enough to have a grudge against while you were alive. It was slightly refreshing, in a sense. When he first got here, his songs, stories, and humor gave you a nice break away from Wilbur’s depressing songs and Schlatt’s crude jokes. However when you spend eleven years trapped in a cage with one person, everything they do becomes the bane of your existence. 

You were running out of things that kept you sane in this dump. You've read the same novel, counted the same ceiling and floor tiles (32 ceiling tiles and 57 floor tiles exactly), traced the same cracks in the walls, temporarily killing the same cellmates, you've done anything and everything that this cesspool had to offer. You've done everything billions of times over, a never ending cycle of monotony. 

Tommy joining your group of miserable has-beens was perhaps the highlight of your fifteen, almost sixteen, years spent in this shithole. Though he finally dropped the brave facade and showed just how broken down he was after everything he’s been through, having him around was the saving grace to your sanity. He told you how your sister was, how your nephews were, and most importantly what you missed. You knew about all of the events leading up to Mexican Dream's death, but you were left in the dark with everything past that. Ender, you missed so much since you died; It baffled you how much you missed. 

When the train actually stopped at your cell instead of just passing by and it's doors opened, you were just expecting another poor soul to be dropped off here. You could imagine everybody's surprise when none other than Dream stepped out of those doors. The nephew that had betrayed you without a second thought, that had murdered you, that had your severed head displayed on his mantle (you weren't sure the truth of that last statement, Tommy has a habit of over exaggerating. Though, Schlatt did say that your body was found with a missing head when you first forced him to tell you what you missed). Tommy talked to you about how he died only once, so you knew just what your nephew has been up to. It infuriated you knowing that your adult nephew was manipulating and abusing this young teenager.

While you were releasing your pent up frustrations on the masked man, he merely brushed past you and drug Tommy into the train by the arm. You could remember Wilbur banging on the doors begging for Dream to return his little brother and his angered screams echoing down the railways as the train sped off back towards the land of the living. 

Lucky Tommy, he got to live out the rest of his life and actually age. You and your crew of intolerable jesters were stuck together once again. 

Everybody was silent for a few months, reeling at the newly discovered fact that Dream could actually resurrect people. During those three months, they were quiet and tolerable. In a way, the talks that came out of it was like one of those family therapy sessions your older sister would hold in the living room (you remembered how she would grab you and Schlatt by the horns if either one of you refused to go). You would kill to attend one of those therapy sessions again, and this is the closest you were going to get to it. 

You all talked about the things you regretted most while you were alive. Mexican Dream's was that he didn't protect his girlfriend Mamacita well enough. Schlatt's was choosing alcohol and power over his family (tears were especially shed over Tubbo, he really did regret abandoning him to be raised by you). Yours was that you were too loyal to a cause that would be absolutely decimated a short while after you sacrificed everything for it. Surprisingly, Wilbur's was that he had hurt you.

He had begged and groveled for forgiveness, telling you that he just didn't feel that special connection with you anymore. That didn't take away from the fact that he was seeing another while you two were still dating and that he blew up your life's work. He had stolen everything from you, and you would never forgive him for that. 

After you made your thoughts on him completely clear, he had started treating you like you treated him in the last few months. Tension was building up between you two that had laid dormant for thirteen and a half years like a rope pulled taut about to snap.

Everybody had slowly returned to their annoying selves slowly but surely. Schlatt resumed his workout routine, Mexican Dream had started loudly singing and ranting about Mamacita's everlasting beauty again, and Wilbur eventually started up his solitaire and songwriting once again.

The three of them made you want to rip off your twisting horns and shove them in your ears in hopes of muffling them, but you knew that whomever put you here would restore your hearing and make your horns regrow. You knew that first hand after you spent a couple of years alone in this hellhole; breaking your horns off by repeatedly banging your head against the dull stone walls in a manic state was never fun. The regeneration of the keratin only slightly stung, it was like you were a kid and they were growing in for the first time again. 

You felt your eye twitch as Wilbur sang about that damned train for the umpteenth time since he arrived. It’s always ‘train this' and ‘train that' and quite frankly you were sick of it. You were sick of him. 

“Shut the fuck up about that damned train,” Schlatt seethed. You never once thought you would ever agree with your twin, but here you were nodding in agreement and shooting a glare at Wilbur’s direction. The brunet merely stopped his singing and reshuffled his cards, the sound making an ugly cacophony and grating at your ears. 

“Not my fault you two don’t want to talk to me. I’m just making due with what I’ve been given.” He dealt the cards out in piles and started yet another game of solitaire. Seriously, how many games of solitaire can one play before they lose it? You supposed that you’d find out soon, Wilbur has been playing that monotonous card game nonstop for thirteen and a half years.

“Yeah, let the hombre chill! I like his music.” The masked man reached up to stroke his goatee, the scratching sound further penetrating your focus on your book. 

Everything was quiet before Mexican Dream's voice pierced it, "hey, did I ever tell you guys how beautiful my Mamacita was?"

"You told us millions of times, fuckface. You narrate entire love letters daily, so how could we not know how 'beautiful' she was?" You complained, not once looking up from your book. Schlatt snorted to himself and returned to his workout. Mexican Dream crossed his arms in anger, cursing you out under his breath. Wilbur merely glanced at you and rolled his eyes. "You know, I'm tired of your bitchy attitude. Let him talk about Mamacita, it's not his fault every time you think you love someone it fails." 

Your grip on your book tightened impossibly. If it were physically possible, the book would be crumbling to dust in your voice grip. You practically see red as you slowly dog-eared the worn page you were on and put your book down. 

"Oh shit," you heard Schlatt mumble and move away from you, Mexican Dream following suit. When you both were alive, your anger was always something you knew Schlatt feared. However, you knew that he's never seen you this angry; nobody has. The majority of what you've been holding in for almost fourteen years is about to be unleashed. 

"You know what I'm sick of, Wilbur?"

"Oh, do enlighten us."

"I'm sick of each and every single one of you. You three have been absolutely intolerable ever since you arrived. I was doing just fine alone and the universe just had to fuck everything up for me, just like it always does."

"There you go again," Wilbur laughed sardonically, "making everything about yourself." He gathered his cards and shuffled them repeatedly. 

"I make everything about myself?! Do you even hear yourself? Mr. Oh-I'm-such-a-disappointment-to-Philza, you wallow in self pity twenty-four seven! You fucking write every single song about yourself!”

"I didn't want to come here, okay?! I didn't think it was gonna be like this! God, I might as well be in hell with you here." 

"Believe me, my hell started fourteen years ago when you guys started showing up," you growled out, your ears flattening to the sides of your skull.

"Have you ever stopped to think that you're our hell? All you've done since we came here was complain and be a massive douche to all of us." He fluttered through the deck more and more as the argument escalated, the noise making you want to scream until you tasted blood.

"I'm the one that's in the wrong here? You fucked up my entire life. He," you pointed at Schlatt, "keeps beating me to death. And he," you jutted your chin towards Mexican Dream, "never shuts the hell up… Would you stop with that damn deck?! You're literally so fucking annoying." 

He narrowed his eyes, "make me."

A mixture of an animalistic growl and a guttural scream left your lips as you charged at him, your head tilted downwards so he could feel the brunt of your horns. He moved out of the way just in time, the side of your horn brushing against his arm. You crashed head first into the stone wall before you stabilized yourself and looked at the brunet with seething hatred. 

He was staring at you in shock, "how're you-" You used his shock to your advantage, throwing a right hook at his face. His head whipped to the side and his body followed, sending him to the ground in a heap.

"How am I still conscious? I'm a ram hybrid, dumbass. What'd you expect?" You huffed angrily before you pried the cards out of his hand and stalked over to the tracks. 

He scrambled up to stop you, but before he could even reach you, you held the deck over the tracks and looked down at him. You could just imagine how your horizontal pupils were blazing with fury. 

You reveled in the betrayal and animosity gleaming in his eyes as you dangled the thing he held dearest in this hell over the railroads. If you were to drop them, he'd never be able to see them again.

"We promised not to touch belongings on our first day here!" He yelled at you, his hands wrung in front of him nervously hiding the slight tremor. "Our first day here?" You scoffed, "the last time I checked, I was here for two years before any of you showed up." You gestured around the room in one angry swipe, the cards slipping slightly with how sweaty your hands were. It was then that you saw the fear in Schlatt's eyes. Good, that bastard should be scared of you. "If anything, you all are in my domain."

Wilbur flinched at the sight of the cards slowly slipping out of your hand, his breath hitching and panic stricken across his features. Mexican Dream stood up from his place and put his hands up. He was slowly approaching you like you were a cornered wild animal, making sure that you saw his every move. 

He nervously chuckled, "let's just put the cards down and have a nice talk. Doesn't that sound better than this, mi amigo?"

You shook the cards once again, taking in Wilbur's silent anguish with glee. "I'm not your friend, I'm anything but. Don't tell me what to fucking do or else that picture of Mamacita is the next to go."

"...Okay, you're in charge, man. Do what you want." He reluctantly sat back down next to Schlatt. The ram was watching in fear, yet it looked like he was entertained with what was happening. You couldn't blame him, the last interesting thing that happened was three full months ago when Tommy was taken. That and you probably looked feral at the moment.

"You understand that if you drop those, they're lost forever right?"

You threw your head back and laughed, "of course I know, why do you think I only have one sock? I already tried that shit out before you came." You hummed to yourself in thought, then grinned. Wilbur was going to love this.

While you shuffled the deck, you kept a close eye on the movement happening inside the cell. Another perk to being a ram hybrid was that you had a nearly 360 degree scope of everything around you. The only movement happening was the panicked breaths from Wilbur, good. You huffed in amusement, "alright Wilbur, let's do a card trick. I'd ask you to pick a card, any card, but I don't want to risk you fucking shit up again. So, I'm just going to draw for you." You drew a card from the middle of the deck and showed it to him. "The eight of clubs, how fitting." 

"(Y/n), I don't know what you're getting at, but if you don't give me those cards right now-"

"Shut it, I'm not done. I'm going to shuffle this back into the deck, watch the hands." You kept eye contact with him as you shuffled the cards rigorously, the card you pulled long since hidden with the slight of a hand. After a bit of shuffling and reshuffling, you had sneakily put the card between the two halves and bridged them until the cards were in one pile with the eight of clubs on top. 

You chuckled and pulled the top card, once again showing it to him. "Is this your card?"

He nodded slightly, never once taking his eyes off from the deck. "Yes, now give it back to me!" The angry and anxious undertones were like music to your ears.

You tapped your chin in thought, "hm, I don't think I will. You've taken so much from me, it's only fair that I get some revenge." Without another word, you threw the cards behind your head and smiled widely at the sound of the fluttering down to the tracks. 

Wilbur launched himself forward with a frantic yell, his hands flailing to catch all of the cards before they were lost forever. He only succeeded in catching a few. 

His breath shuddered as he stared at the three cards in his hand: the five of diamonds, the four of spades, and the seven of hearts. The fate of the universe was on your side for once, perhaps preternaturally so. 

"You- do you realize what you just did?!" He spun around to face you. If humans could froth at the mouth, a full waterfall would be streaming through his gritted teeth. His eyes held the rage of a man that had just lost everything in one singular instant, the resentment swirling in his dark brown orbs. Several veins were bulging in his face and neck, painting the skin in a red hue.

You walked over to your book and plopped yourself down. "Yeah," you said with a nonchalant shrug of your shoulders. You opened up your book and started reading it again, leaving the man to his grief. 

Everything was quiet once more much to your delight. Though you read this book from cover to cover thousands of times, enough to know most of the words by heart, you were never able to fully enjoy and immerse yourself in it with them around. You took this time to reclaim your designated corner and spend some quality time reading. 

You spent hours with your nose buried deep in your book, savoring the peace. That was until it was snatched out of your hands and ripped away from you. You looked up in slight shock at the sight of Wilbur snapping it shut and walking over to the tracks. 

No. No. Nononono he can’t. That was the only thing keeping you sane. He can't just get rid of it when he's done so much towards you when you were alive. 

A wail left your mouth as you tackled him to the ground, your arms wrapped around his midsection. He crashed to the ground with a grunt, his forehead smacking against the painted yellow stone. You straddled his back and ripped the book away from him, throwing it across the room and away from the tracks. 

You grabbed a fist full of his hair after yanking off his beanie and tossing it into oblivion with his precious cards. You pulled his head up and leaned close to his ear, "you try that shit again and your hat and cards won't be the only things lost to the void." Venom was seeping through your every word, "do you understand me?" 

He merely jerked his head to the side, colliding it with your nose and mouth. You shouted in surprise and let him go in favor of holding your aching nose. You could feel the warmth of the blood pouring from it. Through teary eyes, you looked up at Wilbur as he grabbed your book and flung it against the wall of the opposite side of the tracks. You scampered to the edge and watched in horror as it disappeared into the void. 

Without warning, you were forced to the ground, a hand holding you by a horn and a knee between your shoulder blades. You struggled before a dark chuckle was heard, "if you keep moving, you'll slip! Do you really want that?" You begrudgingly stopped, realizing that he had all the power in this situation. If he wanted to, he could just slide you off from the platform and toss you away like throwing a piece of paper into the trash.

"Good, you're not as stupid as you were earlier today." He slid you forward, holding your upper body over the tracks by the horn. You came face to face with the swirling abyss that was the void, small shapes appearing from your eyes adjusting to the sudden lack of visual stimulant. Your breathing picked up as he lowered you slightly, "you don't wanna do this." 

"No, I do. Thirteen and a half years of having to be around you was hell, but the shit you pulled today just put the icing on the cake. Do you have any last words before you go?"

You grunted as he shook your head slightly, a slight pain coming from the base of your horn. "Fuck you." 

"How appropriate, now let's see if you'll come back this time. It'll be our fun little science experiment!"

He dropped your horn without a care in the world, sending you plummeting to your demise. A terrified scream ripped it's way out of your throat and you screwed your eyes tightly shut in preparation for the void. Your body came to a jerking halt as you held your breath, preparing for… whatever awaited you. However, nothing came.

You cracked open an eye only to be met with the uncanny inkyness, the invisible mist freezing your face and its frostbitten arms opened wide for you. But you never fell into its embrace. 

Instead, you were pulled back onto the platform. You laid on your stomach with your horn supporting your head staring at the wall, tracing every single nook and cranny of the bricks. Your chest heaved as you greedily gasped for air. You never thought you'd be so relieved to see the cement walls you've been trapped in for over a decade and a half.

You were once again pulled up into a now sitting position and leaned against the wall, your back touching the cool cement. Across from you, you saw Mexican Dream pinning a struggling Wilbur down to the floor. Wilbur's crazed eyes met you, piercing through your very being. However, that didn't affect you in the slightest; you almost were just wiped from existence completely, you stared into the abyss and it stared back at you.

You felt… strange, to say the least. While icy fear and adrenaline coursed through your veins, you felt warmth blossoming in you at the same time. It was like the void was an actual person, politely giving you some form of relief from the hell you've been subjected to for over a decade and a half. It was so welcoming, not terrifying like you initially thought it was. When your fingertips grazed its surface it felt freezing to the touch, yet you felt the staticky power it was showing you. In that split moment of touching it, you had already accepted the power it held over you. 

A hand softly slapped your cheek, "c'mon, (y/n). Talk to me." Your eyes drifted lazily to your twin. He was extremely pale, his eyes frantically searching your face for any sign of responsiveness. When you looked at him, he visibly relaxed. "It was so… so beautiful, Schlatt."

"Yeah, what the actual fuck did you just say? You almost just- just died for good dumbass." He looked at you incredulously, you could just see the cogs in his brain working hard to process what the hell he was seeing. 

You looked back at Wilbur, he had stopped struggling slightly and was instead looking at you with a hint of confusion shining through the crazed daze. Mexican Dream tilted his head, the mask skewing slightly to the side of his face. "Thank you, Wilbur. You've shown me that there's… there's more to this hellhole than suffering. There's beauty in the darkness." His struggling had come to a complete halt, now staring at you with the most confusion you've ever seen from him. You also saw a very small hint of fear from deep within his irises.

A calloused hand gripped your chin and forced you to look back at your twin. "What are you on," he hissed lowly, "the stuff that's comin outta your mouth right now is actually batshit insane. He almost just permanently murked you and you're fucking thanking him." 

"I haven't felt this at ease in nearly two decades. I feel ethereal, Schlatt, and it's all thanks to him." You let your eyes drift over to Wilbur. Giving him a content smile, you nodded your thanks at him.

The next few days went by tensely for the others, eyeing your every move and keeping you away from the ledge. You had only peered over the ledge once since then, it was just so alluring to you. It was nothing, yet everything at the same time. Mexican Dream had pulled you back to the opposite end of the room by your horns. The part that disturbed the three men was that you said absolutely nothing about it. You didn't even struggle against it, you just laid limp and let it happen. 

With each passing second you spent away from the void, the feeling of utter peace was rapidly draining from your body; instead being replaced by icy fear, paranoia, and the realization that you were almost completely swallowed whole by the void. 

After coming back to your senses, you didn't allow anybody near you. Your instincts going haywire and screaming that they were going to hurt you if they came close. The last time Schlatt tried touching you, you damn near took his finger off. They didn't bother trying to approach you anymore, instead glancing at you from the corners of their eyes. Wilbur was perhaps the one you feared the most, you knew that if he didn't hesitate to toss you away the first time, he would surely do it a second time. He spent most of his time staring at you, you didn't know if he was zoned out or not.

Everybody was against you, you knew it. You just knew it. They were plotting to toss you back into the void. That thing- or was it an entity? Whatever it was held a power over you that you didn't know was possible. That trance that it put you in, the craving you felt, was something that was repeating like a broken record in your mind. You could still feel the void calling out to you, it was terrifying. 

You spent most of the time huddled in your corner staring at the fingers that had grazed the textured nothingness. You could still feel the buzzing and popping of the power on your fingertips, that inky residue staining your skin wouldn't come off. No matter how hard you scrubbed, scratched, or scraped, it would not leave your body. It was freezing.

The oncoming train screeching to a gradual stop was perhaps the only thing you fully acknowledged outside of your safety bubble in days. You watched in shock as it stopped at the platform. The doors opened with a fwoosh, fog pouring out onto the smooth stone floors. 

Out stepped Dream, the smile etched into his cracked mask sent chills to your core. Next to him was… was another Wilbur? How in the name of Ender was that even possible? 

This Wilbur was different though. This one was desaturated. This one didn't have an insane glint in his eyes, this one had grief shimmering in the tears that steamed on his cheeks. This one was broken compared to the well established man against the wall. This one was defenseless. 

Dream shoved him to the center of the room, the man falling to his hands and knees. Sobs escaped his mouth as steam left his skin and drifted along the sides of his face before dissolving into the air. 

"Got a new plaything for you guys, this one isn't as… fun as Wilbur is though." Dream's head turned towards you before it tilted. "What happened there? Did our dear little (y/n) get too close to the void?" 

"They are none of your concern, pandejo," Mexican Dream seethed at his counterpart from his position next to the train. "Why are you even here, man?"

"Oh, I'm just here to make a trade. I'm afraid that I'll have to give you guys Ghostbur here in exchange for Wilbur."

Wilbur stared at him with pure hope and glee springing up in his eye for the first time in over a decade. "Really?" 

Dream chuckled, "yes, really. What, do you really think I'd lie to you?" 

"I don't know, ya smiley freak. You've been known to fuck people over." Schlatt scoffed, his ear flicking in annoyance. 

"I'm telling the truth this time. Wilbur, come with me." 

Stars shone in his eyes as he reveled in the sight of the open train doors. He followed the masked man with a skip in his step, ecstatic giggles leaving his mouth as he boarded. 

Anger flooded you as you purse your lips together and you darted towards the train. The doors were closing already, if you could just- 

The door shut with a clank, blocking you from freedom. Your clenched fists banged against the window, glowering at the sight of Wilbur's happiness and Dream looking at you with a wave.

"You fucking bastard! Take me, he doesn't deserve it! He threw his goddamned life away, you're wasting your time with him!" Your angry shouts were ignored by the two however as the train once again started moving with a small hiss. 

A frustrated scream left your mouth as you pummeled the iron with your fists as it moved. If only you could find a train car to jump onto- 

Now. You leapt from the platform towards the junction between two of the train cars. However, your leap of faith was set to a halt midair by Schlatt holding your upper arms. You thrashed against him, desperate to get back to the land of the living, desperate to leave this godforsaken hell called the afterlife, but once again, you were torn away from what you were trying to achieve. 

You fell limp as you watched the last train car pass the platform and disappear down the tracks and into the void. The next possible time it would show it’s face would be in a few months if you were lucky. You let him take you back to your corner, your feet limply being drug against the floor. After you were plopped back down, you stared at the clone of your ex. You were pretty sure Dream said that his name was ‘Ghostbur’. What a strange name, yet you supposed that it was fitting for Wilbur’s apparition. 

“Are ya done with your little ‘moment’, (y/n)?” Schlatt was kneeling in front of you, his hands prepared to grab you if you made a run for it. Though his tone was annoyed, you could detect the very small worried undertone of his voice. 

You nodded and watched as he took a seat next to you, also staring at the newcomer. This is the closest he’s sat next to you in years. 

“...What do you think of the clone over there?” You hummed to yourself, “he looks pathetic, but I think that might be the only thing he and Wilbur share.” 

Mexican Dream took a seat next to you, slinging an arm over your shoulders. Normally, you would’ve shrugged him off, but you were too emotionally drained to do so. “Si, he does look kinda weak. But I think our new hombre here has promise.” 

“Promise for what?” Schlatt snorted. Mexican Dream hesitated, “...I don’t know. This is gonna be interesting, mis amigos.” 

“The party’s just begun, boys. Buckle up, this is gonna be a wild fucking ride.” You mused to them, unsure of what the future would hold with the newcomer. Though after a couple of years, you were sure you were going to hate him; that is if he’s nothing like his clone. Ender help you if he’s anything like Wilbur. 

As you stared at the broken man, you couldn’t help but wonder: why did he get to go back? As far as you were concerned, psychopaths like him do not deserve a second chance at life. If anything, it should be you boarding that train. It should be you getting a second chance. He was the one that so readily threw his life away while you had yours ripped away from you.

One continuous thought was circling in your mind: why couldn’t it have been me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wrung your hands together as you anxiously waited for Tommy, Ghostbur, and Friend outside of Pandora’s Vault. Ranboo and Tubbo sat next to you in the grass, giving you silent comfort with their presence. You were mainly worried for your boyfriend, his worst fear was Dream using the resurrection book on him. You had calmed him down from a panic attack prior to meeting up with the teenagers, begging him to let you go in his place. Of course, Ghostbur being the caring and brave soul he was, wove you off and ensured that he’d be okay. 

When you saw someone emerging from the portal, you leapt to your feet and steadied your head on your shoulders before you examined the people emerging. Except you only saw a human and a sheep, no ghost. 

Tommy looked pale and on the verge of tears as he led Friend towards you. Before he spoke, he used his sleeve to wipe at his tears. 

“Hey, Tommy! How did it- where’s Ghostbur?” The enderman hybrid stretched his usually slouched back to peer at the portal, keen eyes searching for any sign of movement. 

“I think he’s dead… He’s dead!” 

Tubbo tilted his head and looked up at the blond in confusion, “well, yeah. He’s a ghost. Of course he’s dead.” Ranboo nodded in agreement, “yeah, he can’t die again. That just isn’t possible.”

You said nothing (not like you could in the first place, your head wasn’t connected to your body), looking into Tommy’s eyes inquisitively. They were chock full of panic, grief, and fear, staring down at the lead in his clenched hands. 

“No, no you don’t understand, it’s not that he’s dead… it’s that Wilbur’s back.”

“Hold on, the Wilbur that blew up L’Manberg? That Wilbur?” Ranboo peered down at him incredulously. “Yes! C’mon, he- we gotta get to L’Manberg.” 

He spun around and led Friend towards L’Manberg, walking quickly with a purpose. You, Ranboo, and Tubbo followed. You hugged your head close to your chest, your eyes peeking over your arms. It was always something you’ve done whenever you were scared or worried about something. You heard stories about Wilbur from your nephew, if the stories of his insanity terrified you, you’d hate to see the man in person. 

“I was about to kill Dream, and- and Ghostbur died. Dream revived Wilbur… Fuck!” Tommy walked faster, L’Manberg far off in the distance. With one hand, you grabbed the blond’s attention and finger spelled, ‘are you serious? He’s actually gone?’

“Yes! How many times do I have to explain this?! Ghostbur isn’t with us anymore and Wilbur’s back. Wilbur’s back and we’re absolutely fucked.” He turned on his heel and resumed his beeline towards the crater in the wall. No, he couldn’t be gone. This was just a cruel prank they were pulling on you, right? 

Tubbo put a comforting hand on your shoulder, giving you a small sympathetic smile. You leaned into his touch slightly and carried on, stepping into the makeshift staircase behind Tommy. 

You moved your arms to cover your eyes as you stepped aside to make room for the other two teenagers. You heard a voice; it sounded exactly like Ghostbur’s voice, yet it sounded... off. You however remained hopeful and uncovered your eyes. 

The man that stood there certainly wasn’t your boyfriend. Everything about him was just so wrong. The emotion in his eyes, his clothing, his smile, his stance, his hair, everything. This was a completely different person. This was Wilbur Soot. 

“Hello again.” His eyes flicked around your group, his gaze lingering on you for longer than the rest. You noticed that he was staring at your neck, but that was okay. You were used to it; everybody did that. What you weren’t used to was the revulsion that flashed in his eyes. The eyes that once lovingly stared at you and reassured you that he’d love you even with your… condition were now filled with disgust. 

That was what broke you, the tears that you tried to hold in came streaming out like a waterfall. Stinging pain hit you as the water worked its way through the cloth of your uniform onto your arms, leaving steam floating upwards towards the cave ceiling. You phased through Ranboo’s body and made a mad dash towards your sister’s house. You needed her, you could feel a panic attack brewing inside you. Usually you would hate to be a bother to your older sister and Ghostbur would always calm you down, but now he’s…

You pushed that thought aside and focused completely on getting to Puffy’s house in the distance. You phased through the door without a thought to knock, frantically beginning your search for Puffy. 

You looked everywhere, but you couldn’t find her. Unable to cope any longer, you fell to your knees in the middle of the living room and hugged your head to your chest, your face being pushed against your uniform. Your shoulders shook with silent painful sobs, the only sound in the room being the sizzling of your skin. 

Why couldn’t it have been you? It should be Ghostbur standing there in that cavern, not Wilbur. This was completely your fault, you should’ve gone instead of him. You should’ve volunteered quicker than he did, you shouldn’t have let him talk you into it with his soothing words. Now because of your complete and utter cowardice, he was stuck in the afterlife once again. You were never going to see him any time soon. Your other half was ripped away from you because of your inaction. 

Between sobs, your lips repeatedly formed the same phrase: why couldn’t it have been me?

General taglist (comment if you want to be added):

@crybabyjabby  @izzybobizzy13  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @bunnyz-pxstel  @averytiredfanfictionwriter  @dcml04  @sparkling-gayyyy  @bbigbbrainn  @thaticecreambish  @kiinokochii  @satansphatass  @bxkubitch  @bxmentchildxx  @roxy3457  @montygator17  @feverish-dove  @the-fictionwriters-hairdo  @jichuuchaeng  @404rynnotfound  @luluwinchester  @laura--444  @the-cult-classic-bitch  @youngstarfishdinosaur  @nottheotheruser  @ohworm-writes  @localwolfanon  @realitycanbeajerk  @v10dw4lk3r  @esylwen  @seraphsema  @boiled-onionrings

GN reader taglist (comment if you want to be added):

@twitchchatvroom  @parkeepingparker

[justagirlsearchingforamuse]

Could you write a reunion fic as a sequel to the Heisenberg 'alone time' that you wrote? While smut would be wonderful, I'd just be grateful for apologetic Karl forced to be humble for once in his life.

(Also im DYING to know what he did, did OC/Reader discover his Soldats or about Rose? Im so curious and itching for more)

Your writing is awesome and I hope to get to read more Heisenberg goodness from you!

A/N: Thanks so much and I'm glad you guys are enjoying what I'm writing, sorry if it took so long and I'll be happy to answer more asks (including angst and fluff) for RE8. Sorry if this is so damn long but hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless. Also decided to make it gender neutral as I didn't want anyone to be left out.

Warnings: NSFW, Smut, The reader riding Karl, The reader not afraid to talk back to Karl, Stitching, Cursing/Inappropriate Language, Oral, Kissing, Arguing, power bottom' Karl, fluffy smut, unprotected sex, dirty talk, Fluff, and nearly 8000 words.

It's been far too long since you have seen that man and you hoped not to see him for as long as you both may live, for a time you thought it was just 2 people with different paths that force them apart but in a way you couldn't be more wrong. You understood and still understand his need to get rid of his troubling and frankly corrupt family, you both shared a dream to run away from the Village and to live somewhere with beautiful sights. To have some form of happiness even if it doesn't last, sure normal life may seem boring but it's all that you both wanted, happiness away from reminders of Miranda and the rest of his seemingly fucked up family. But what it took to for him to get it, his plan that he seemingly thought was so brilliant only made you boil with rage and painful reminders of your past is brought from the dark corners of your memories and into the light of your mind. Children. They're so innocent, good, and pure ... they bring out everything in people, children are something that you hold near and dear to your heart. Children are everything that the world isn't, at least until they're forced to grow up and deal with the cruelty of the world. This wasn't the first time that you had disagreed or fought with Karl in your mind, but what really caused you to boil over was his plans.

A heavy huff slips from your lips as your heavy steps full of anger echoed throughout the factory, your hands are balled into tight fists and your fingers trembled along with your body, you just couldn't fucking take it. You weren't going to stand by and turn a blind eye to sacrificing an innocent child for your happiness, you weren't going to and Karl as usual tried to convince you into it. Make it seem like it'll be worth it in the end. He's stomping after you, following after you like a dog and you can hear him desperately trying to get you to stay, you keep your eyes forward and keep making your way towards the exit. Just as the door is in sight, he reaches out to grab your wrist causing you to gasp before trying to pull out of his grasp, he pulls you firmly towards him and makes you meet his eyes. His green eyes are clouded with ... desperation, they're soft and vulnerable but it didn't phase you. Not one bit. "Come on, (Y/N) ... you know that I'd do anything for you. ... You know I love you ... that's why I have to do this, kitten. You have to fucking understand ...!" He pleads with you, you turn away from his face, that bitter taste still remains on your tongue and his words fall deaf to your ears. "You don't understand! You don't understand at all! You're in your own fucking bubble ...! I can't do this! I can't live with the fact that the man I'm in love with is willing to sacrifice an innocent child for a chance at happiness." You growl at him, your words are breathless and harsh and it stings like poison to his soul, his expression begins to slowly fade into resentment. A look you had never seen before, especially towards you. "Listen to me! ... The fruits of our labor shall come ... but it all comes with a little sacrifice." He barks, his grip on your wrist slightly tightening with his anger rising as he tries to plead with you, get you to understand but you could care less. "Then I don't want to share that kind of happiness or freedom with you at all ...!" You bark back, your words are dripping in poison and there isn't much care behind them, a huff leaves your nostrils and you once again try to get out of his painfully tight grasp but he wants you to hear him. Fuck. "I thought ... fuck ... I thought you fucking loved me. All those nights, all those late-night talks, the passionate love we made ... I guess it meant fuck-all to you, huh? I guess you never gave a fuck about me ... I wanted you to ... I wanted you to understand." Karl seethes, his words are in a low growl and his green eyes are clouded with bubbling rage and fury. Fuck.

"I did love you, Karl. I still do but you have to leave or do something, I don't fuckin' know but there should be a limit to the price you're willing to pay for a chance at freedom. ... I'm not willing to. This ... this brings back too many painful memories, I would never let myself live if I let her die." You almost sob, your anger that was once boiling and alive was now being put out by the melancholy that rested deep within your soul. That baby reminds you so much of ... your history. You never told him about your past and the trauma you somewhat suffer from it that makes you long and ache for freedom. But now wasn't the time. At all. "I can't do that ...! You know I can't ...! You can't leave me, (Y/N) ...!" He shouts at you, desperately clinging to his relationship that is burning, crumbling right in front of his very eyes, he's trying so hard to save it but the thought quickly floods in what if he can't save what you have? His jaw clenches and his throat begins to tighten, breaths become hard to even get out and you can hear his low growl of rage and sorrow echo through your ears. Your throat had tightened the moment he reached out for your hand and now the tears were swelling in your eyes, leaving them uncontrollably. "I love you, Karl. But this is the end of us. The end of our story together." You managed to choke out as his expression softens yet he's stiff, a frown is plastered on his lips, and doesn't seem like it's leaving anytime soon. Regrets plague his mind, "I regret ever opening up to you. Fuck, I never should've let you into my life especially if you were gonna fuck me over and leave me alone." He thinks to himself and immediately lets go of your wrist, he forces on a blank expression and forces his tears to be hidden away, he pushes away his heartache and goes back to the only way he knows how to not fall apart, to not lose himself and to become weak.

"I never wanna see your fuckin' face again. Leave. Don't even think of coming back. You fuckin' ... you fuckin' hurt me ..." He grunts and growls at you, even lightly pushing you towards the door before turning his back on you as he crosses his arms. Fuck. "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused." You manage to say in a whisper, wiping away your tears and sniffling to yourself before leaving out that door and never looking back, it was hard leaving him behind to wallow and experience his pain alone that you caused. But you stand by your choice that you couldn't stay if he had to use Rose for his plans. Still, he plagued your dreams, still had nightmares about that man, about losing him in so many graphic ways. You tried to live your life, going to work and just trying to find a way to live without seeing Karl ever again at least you thought. You never forgot him. It was around 2 in the morning and you managed to sleep for just a few minutes until your phone rang obnoxiously loud, ringing and vibrating against your nightstand. You sat up, rubbing your eyes, and an annoyed groan left your lips before you picked up your phone, though you had lost his number you knew it was in that village and it meant that he was the only one calling you. You almost want to toss your phone across the room, a familiar bitter taste begins to coat your tongue and you slowly take in a breath staring at the phone in your hand. "God fucking damn it." You curse bitterly, regretfully pressing the answer button on your phone, scratching at your head you answer with a bitter and low "hello" that is answered with heavy ragged breaths. Coughing soon follows after and echoes through the phone. "What the he-" You begin to ask before you're interrupted by his sudden cursing and rage-filled words. "Stupid fucking Ethan Winters ... the bastard ... couldn't even ... finish the job ..." He coughs into the phone, blood pools in his gut, fuck he was ruining one of his favorite shirts and an empty swallowing pain aches through his stomach. But he barely cared.

"The fuck are you rambling about, Karl ...?" You ask harshly, standing up on your feet as you press the phone to your ear, waiting for an explanation. "Oh, fuck off! You wouldn't understand ...! Or care!" He howls back before you can hear him cough once again before a wince soon slips from his parted lips, an agitated expression twists onto your face. "You must've thought I would care if you thought to fuckin' call me. Tell me what's up or I swear I'll fucking hang up." You bark at him, clenching your fists tightly as heavy ragged breaths left your body in the presence of your anger. " ... If you do give a damn ... then your ex is bleeding the fuck out in his factory ... with no knowledge of medicine and shit." He coughs out, he presses his hand firmly onto his large wound, fuck was he in bad shape and Ethan Winters had fucked him up but like a coward left him alive. "I might be there. Keep pressure on the wound and try not to die, dickhead." You huff in a ragged breath before hanging up quickly, in a way you thought it was karma for him wanting to use a baby and possibly murder a baby to get rid of his toxic and frankly not real family.

You sit back down onto your bed with a heavy sigh leaving your lips and a question on your mind. Was it gonna be worth it? He could be trying to trick you, you thought to yourself and really questioned if you should drive there and help him supposedly. As much as you wanted to be bitter, to hold onto that resentment but your heart and soul ached to see that filthy man, it called out to him desperately. Your heart sang to see him, to hear him despite your mind's warnings and reasonable viewing of the situation. Like a dumbass, you listened to your heart and began to get dressed, you threw on some old coat and a pair of washed-up skinny jeans, you grabbed a med-kit and some stitches and quickly rush to drive to the hidden and eerie village. With your foot pressed hard on the gas pedal, you kept wishing and praying that he'd be fine, that the waste of gas and the risk of being pulled over by cops worth it. When you finally make it to the factory, it's grim and dark and seemingly stopped working, the smoke that came from the factory is gone, the noise and the racket that his factory produced every second. You quickly get out of your car, medkit, and tools in your arms as you enter, you can hear his heavy strained breaths echoing through the factory that is now seemingly dead. Lifeless. A series of coughs leave his lips as he sits slumped up against the side of his bed, his blood drips and oozes off his hand, covering his stomach wound as the pain just continued, it still ached and stung like salt on an exposed wound. His head is dizzy with a haze over him, fuck was his head aching like a motherfucker and everything on his body ached and cried out in pain. "Karl ...?!" He hears you shout desperately searching for the man, he could hear the distress in your voice, the panic that came in your hurried and seemingly quick steps. "I-I'm h-here ..." He weakly responds in a low whisper, blood begins to coat his tongue and the unfamiliar taste of iron rests upon his tongue. You hear his cry weakly and you quickly rush to his bedroom, heavy breaths leave your lips in your pursuit to find Karl before he bleeds out or chokes on his own blood. What an idiot ...

He's in seemingly worse shape than when you left, his lips are beginning to become tainted with his own blood, many small wounds were all over him but the most concerning was the one on his stomach. He's coughing and trying to take in oxygen, trying to taste something other than iron on his stomach and he turns to find you, standing there before him. Damn. He forces on a wide toothy grin when he meets your gaze, damn he could feel the tension and could see that dark haze in your eyes, full of disappointment and resentment. "So we f-fuckin' meet again, huh?" Karl coughs out as a short series of chuckles soon follow after, he's trying to keep what little pride he had intact. He couldn't be seen as weak after you broke him, you left him in pieces and chose to leave him because of some stupid sacrifices he had to make in pursuit of the happiness and freedom you deserved. "So we do, asshole ... let me guess, the plan that you were so persistent on working didn't fucking work ... what happened to never come back?" You growl at him, crossing your arms as bitterness seemingly runs through you, you could feel your heart thump in your chest and your hands curled into tight fists. " ... That doesn't m-matter right now. I just n-need your fucking help!" He snaps, his words strained and choked before a series of coughs soon leave his lips. You slowly take in a breath, considering whether to just hand him the medkit and fucking peace out but you know the asshole lacks medical knowledge and would die. You let a deep sigh leave your lips before you kneel beside him, putting one of his arms around your shoulders, and with a loud groan of pain, you set him down on the bed, lying him down on his back and making sure he was comfortable. "I'll only be able to take care of this and stop you from bleeding out. You'll have to be still, Karl otherwise I'll fuck up." You advise him, getting up to go wash your hands and make sure that you don't get him infected whilst you're at it, you come back into his bedroom and open the medkit and begin to get to work on the wound. Karl would've never thought or had the pride to call up his ex, the one person he told himself he'd never need again is forced to put his pride on the side and is forced to let his ex attend to his wounds. All he can do is frown deeply, turning away from you to stare out the window, and all he can think is that Ethan Winters is still out there. He's gonna kill Miranda. That was his job, that was something he spent his life working towards doing, getting rid of that bitch Miranda and stealing her precious power. He's forced out of his thoughts when you begin to rub alcohol onto the wound causing a sharp stinging sensation to shoot through him, he grits his teeth at the stinging and almost burning sensation plaguing his body. "Warn me next time, will ya?" He says before a heavy cough soon follows, you sigh deeply as you continue to rub the alcohol on his wound gently, making sure it doesn't get infected and die from an infected wound.

"Warn you? ... It's just rubbing alcohol not a lighter." You respond, rolling your eyes at the man before you as you set down the towel and begin to pull out your thread and your needle. If he thought the alcohol was painful then he is truly in for a rude awakening. "This is gonna be painful, Karl ... I'll try to be quick with it." You state, somewhat warning him of the pain to come. "Please do ... I can't wait until you fucking leave ..." Karl bitterly spat, still unable to accept the fact that he needed you, that you were right, that he wanted you back into his life because, in his mind, it's better to bottle it up. "I won't treat you if you act like an ignorant dog." You spat back, your eyes meet his for a moment as an expression of anger twists onto your face, he begins to try and speak before a wince fell from his lips at the sensation of the thread going through his skin, he slams his fist down onto the bed and hisses at the pain once more. "Says you, you literally came in here pissed. Maybe just shut up and do ... ah!" He begins to say, his words are filled with anger and irritation before another sharp sensation of pain shoots through him. "Look, my bad alright but it's not every day you want to see your ex who was willing to ..." You begin to retort back at him, giving him a mean glare before he barks back. "You have to make sacrifices for everything! ... Now Ethan is going to get his daughter, probably gonna murder Miranda when I deserved the right to kill her. To watch the bitch suffer and choke on her own fucking blood." He growls, bitterness comes to him like air and he lets out a huff through his nostrils, a bitter and sour expression twists onto his face as he thinks of the fact that Ethan nearly murdered him, he thinks to the fact Ethan is going to steal what he worked so hard to get. "Whether you kill her or he does, she'd still be dead. ... You need to just ... let go of it and be grateful he let you live ... besides can't you finally be free out of that woman's grasp?" You say, less bitterness in your voice than before as another painful wince slips from his parted lips, he sucks in a breath through his teeth and lets out a heavy ragged breath. "That's if that fool can kill her. That's why I needed Rose. I needed her power to help me kill her. I needed it." He growls, slamming his fist against the wall in frustration.

"Did you ...? If Ethan nearly killed you then you severely underestimated how powerful he is ... probably can rival Miranda's power or maybe it's ... it's because he loves his daughter so much, it drives him to keep going." You say, your once bitter expression faded into something more dreary as you are reminded of your past, you would've done anything for that child. He scoffs to himself, turning away from you as you stop stitching him up as a truly bitter and painful expression twists onto your beautiful face. You force his face towards your own and gaze deeply into his eyes, you want him to feel, to see the pain that you felt and he did feel it. "You act like it's so terrible to be human ... it's so terrible to fall victim to your emotions ... that man loves his child just like how you loved me. He would've sacrificed anything for that child, he was willing to try and kill you, he was willing to kill Lady Dimitrescu, he was willing to do it all. That's what being human is. That's what's strong, so fucking strong." You exclaim, slowly inhaling a breath into your nostrils as silence quickly fills the air between you both, you can see the realization in his eyes flicker before him and how he softens in a way. Licking your lips, you push him back and hide that urge that was a habit you had, leaning to kiss him whenever your eyes met his whenever you saw how he softened before you. You missed that so much. You didn't say anything more, you go back to stitching up his stomach wound with an unreadable expression on your face, it was a mixture of pain and frustration and Karl saw it but most of all he saw your pain. It reminded him of his own. He would do anything for you. If you wanted him he would take you back in a heartbeat and he was afraid to admit that. Afraid to admit that he was still weak to you, still weak under your human ways that he used to relish in with you and he was afraid of being open, being hurt, being vulnerable, and falling victim to you in case you left him again. In a way you were weak to him too, stubborn as well but more willing to open up to him, to be vulnerable in front of him, willing to take the bait if it meant you would get hurt again. You were almost numb. To it. The pain that he had caused you but it was still there, stinging you at whatever moment it got and you let it become what you see Karl as. Another reminder of your pain, another man willing to sacrifice whatever for a taste of freedom and revenge. But despite that you loved him.

"I apologize for acting like a bitch when I came in here. I just ... I never thought you'd call or need me ever again and I didn't think I needed you either." You say in a somewhat soft breath, you meet his eyes for a few moments before turning your attention back to his wound and he turns towards you, licking his lips before he runs his finger over his bottom lip. "Thank you." He says smartly with a prideful smile soon curling onto his lips before you roll your eyes at him, you bite your tongue to stop any laughter from coming out. "Come on, you have manners don't you Karl? You acted like a bit of a dick too. Or is it too low of Mr. Karl Heisenberg to apologize?" You tease, a natural warm smile curls onto your lips for a few moments, Karl's heart feels light once more and it pulsates in his chest at the once familiar sight he used to see all the time, he missed that smile. Chuckling, he looks down and can feel the bitter irony taste on his tongue begin to fade away slowly but surely it is. "I apologize for acting like a dick earlier. There. That make you happy?" He says, rolling his eyes to himself before you nod with a chuckle soon falling from your lips, your hair had changed, your fashion sense had as well but you were still the same with that warm smile that made him nearly have a heart attack. "Alright, I should be done in a moment ... I'll clean your wound once again and make sure it doesn't get infected ..." You say once more, your tone has returned to its initial seriousness and he sighs to himself, just when he thought you were letting the mask fall, just when he thought things might be going back to normal. "It's fine, do what you have to do ..." He responds, waving his hand in a motion to allow you to keep doing what you were doing. You continued for a few moments longer, trying to stay focused on stitching his wound up but suddenly thoughts starting appearing in your head, what if things could go back to normal? What if you can be free together now? What if you can share happiness with him? Maybe you were an optimistic fool but having hope that things might change between you two is something that you happily looked forward to.

"Alright, I'm done. You shouldn't bleed out and die and ... I'd say try not to fuck up your stitches. But I should be going if I am not of any help to you anymore, Karl ..." You say lowly, reaching out to seize your medkit before he suddenly grabs your wrist, just like the last time you saw him causing you to nearly jump at the sudden grasp on your wrist. He realizes what he's doing from your somewhat distressed expression and lets go of your wrist quickly. "I'm sorry for ... that. But ... I'll probably need more medicine or more care to make sure I don't fuck up my stitches." He rambles, allowing himself to be vulnerable for just another moment, licking his lips his eyes meet yours once again and you see that familiar desperation in his eyes. But this time, you thought what if you stayed and so you set your medkit back down and let a deep breath leave your lips, you somewhat missed the familiar sound of his factory working and working tirelessly. "I hope you aren't planning on stopping Ethan. I'm sorry but it's just fucking stupid ... let him take care of Miranda and let him have Rose then you have what you want. Freedom. Happiness." You exclaim, sitting on the opposite end of the bed beside him with legs resting on the mattress. "I ... I want to. ... Miranda has caused so much pain, so much agony to me ... she doesn't see me as her son, nor will I ever see her as a mother. She's just ... she's just a crazy bitch who decided to steal a fucking baby and hope it could be a vessel for her fucking precious little Eva." He growls bitterly, a sour expression twists onto his face as he crosses his arms, still bitter to the core and revenge is still tainting his mind, no thought of freedom or happiness crossed his mind. Just Miranda. "I know. All she cares about is finding a body for Eva ... but you could finally be happy away from that crazy ass woman. Besides ... this plan has already been a huge failure." You exclaim in a gentle sigh, licking your lips before taking in a breath and so many memories flood back to your brain whenever you stare at something. Even this bed has so many memories.

"I ... I haven't failed. Besides blame Ethan for ruining an otherwise amazing plan. So much for working together." He spat, rolling his eyes at the thought that he was possibly bested by a mere human makes his blood boil. "This plan has nearly cost you your life and cost you a chance at even getting a sliver of freedom." You explain, another sigh leaves your lips as you stare down at the mattress beneath you, silence fills the room once more because Karl's pride won't allow him to see that maybe he had failed in his plan. "You even lost me ..." You muttered lowly almost in a whisper but Karl heard it and his expression twisted from bitter to disheartened and remorseful. "Look, I get that I hurt you and I hate it. But I needed to do it ... I needed to try and get rid of her! Get some kinda control over my own fucking life! I am done with being another experiment for her to use for her wishes! I ... I just want to be free ..." He exclaims, all manner of emotion is pouring out of him and seeping through his mask of charm, taking in a slow shaky breath as his throat tightens and memories flicker of his family, his real family. His mother, her warm smile that is reminiscent of yours, her warm comfy hugs and just remembering it had tears traveling down his cheeks as he clenched his jaw firmly. Your expression softened at the sight before you, a saddened and pitiful frown curls onto your lips as you can sense his pain, he really lost his life to being Miranda's experiment, to being her slave. A soft breath leaves your lips and you rest your hand upon his shoulder, expressing comfort as he inhales another shaky breath, pain is what became of him and he tried to fix himself only to become more broken.

"Karl, listen to me ... you're allowed to be happy ... you're allowed to smile, allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be happy." You coo, your words are gentle but powerful and your eyes are sincere, warm, and delicate to his eyes. He turns to you, eyes slightly puffy and an expression of pain is twisted on his face, letting a gentle breath when he looks at you, when he gazes into your eyes for a few moments, he's reminded of happiness, he's reminded of warmth, he's reminded of love and family. He still loves you. His eyebrows furrow before he wraps his arms around you, clinging to you desperately as he buries his face into you, still pain torments him when he can and it destroys his life. It destroyed his relationship with you, it destroyed everything around him and it almost destroyed him, he would've sacrificed everything just for freedom, just to have his life be his own. He sees it now, it comes to him painfully raw and honest and he almost hates it because of how he hurt you, the one damn good thing in his shitty miserable life. "I hurt you. I fucking hurt you and you came back for me? I ... I don't fuckin' deserve you ... at all ..." He exclaims, his words muffled into the fabric of your clothes as he can feel your arms wrap around him, your hands gently massage him and the simple gesture puts him at peace and ease. "I came back because as much as you hurt me ... you don't deserve this, Karl ... despite how I left you, I still care so much about you. Hell, when it's you I listen to my heart rather than my fucking brain. With you, it's different ... with you, I could never forget you. At all." You confessed with a soft sigh leaving your lips at the end of your words, your hands move to his long untamed grey and brown locks, you gently run your fingers through his locks and you nearly chuckle at the unique texture of his hair. "I didn't either, butterfly ... I hurt you and I see how I fucking hurt you, hell I didn't care if you left me I was still going to continue to plan despite how it hurt you. I'm an asshat. I wouldn't want to remember me if I did that." He exclaims, a gentle smile curls onto his lips as he stares up at you with a familiar smile that warms your heart, it leaves it jumping in your chest and leaves your stomach with butterflies.

"It's good that you see that and I hate that hurt you too ... I know that I left feeling so bad, so bitter about this whole fucking plan ... but this plan the only good thing it brought to you was bringing me to find your nearly dead ass." You chuckle, a wide smile curls onto your lips as a peaceful and joyful expression is plastered onto your face, another chuckle leaves your lips as a warm familiar smile remains on your lips. He can't stop himself from smiling as well, savoring these moments you share of nothing but pure joy, and he can't help but cup both sides of your cheeks. His fingers gently caress your cheeks, his smile warms your heart and your soul and the familiar sensation of his hands against your cheeks made you melt before him. Silence fills the room as he admires you, your beautiful features, and everything along with it. "Out of everyone in the world, I could never hate you ..." He chuckles almost like a giggly child at a toy store, a wide smile remains plastered on his face and his soul is singing, calling out for you and his heart thrashes wildly in his ribcage. You let out a gentle breath and suddenly his lips are pressed gently against yours, your stomach is crowed and flooded with butterflies, your heart is pulsating in your chest, and everything is calling out to Karl. Moments after, he pulls away from your lips with a somewhat worried expression on his face, he questions was he moving too fast, did you not want him but his thoughts are put to stop when your lips collide passionately against his. It came to you so naturally and once the thought appeared in your head, your heart followed along with it along with your body, and here you were passionately kissing the man who you hadn't seen in over 6 months. He groans against your lips, savoring and relishing the familiar sensations that came as his eyes flutter close, he was such a fool, such a fool to not see that he was risking the only thing that mattered for a chance at even getting freedom. He was but a child ...

Groaning against his lips as you began to clutch a fistful of his hair, the kiss quickly grew deeper and more heated, heavy breaths left both your lips as you gently devoured each other's lips, greedy for the sensations it brought you both. Groaning into your mouth once more, Karl's hands slip your jacket off of you, he throws it to the floor and buries his lips into your neck, kissing and sucking lightly at the sensitive skin earning a soft gasp from your lips at the sharp sensation. "Karl ..." You say in a ragged breath, hands still entangled in his locks of hair as he continues to kiss and suck on your neck, your body begins to heat up with arousal and your body begins to ache for Karl. "Damn ... I just can't get enough of you, can I?" He chuckles, grinning devilishly at you as his eyes glance at your lips once again, he pulls you into another heated kiss that has his tongue prying your lips apart. His tongue enters your mouth, his tongue grinds against yours and your tongues begin to dance erotically together causing both of you to moan against each other's lips at the tingling sensations that spread across your tongues. Karl's arousal begins to show with the bulge that swells in his pants, he continues to kisses you, moaning and groaning at the overdue sensation of a warm body against his. Pulling away from your lips, heavy ragged breaths leave both of your lips and he can't help but notice your flushed cheeks as a breathless expression remains on your face. "Do you want this ...? Do you want me, (Y/N) ...?" He asks in a ragged breath, his hand cups one of your cheeks, as he gazes intensely into your eyes, lust, and desire, clouded those beautiful eyes of yours and it was one of his favorite expressions on your face. "I want you so much ... I want nothing but you and your naked body to be mine ..." You answer, smirking devilishly at the man before you as a low chuckle soon leaves your lips, grinning widely at you he kisses your lips once again, cherishing the smooth and delicate feeling of your lips.

"Mmh, your lips feel amazing, darling ... I missed all of this, the kisses, the touches, the way you worship me ... I missed it all so much." He purrs lustfully as a chuckle soon follows after, taking in a breath he pushes you onto your back earning a gasp from you before he gets in between your legs. He stares at the tank top you wore, it hugged your body perfectly, and hell it exposed a lot of skin, though it was basic it was enough for him. You'll always be enough for him and more. "Arms up, darling ..." He chirps, you raise your arms, and off comes your tank top and your torso was immediately met with multiple kisses and bright hickeys that decorated your skin. Wrapping your arms around his chest, he takes one of your nipples into his mouth, he lightly sucks on one as his other hand explores your torso, caressing your skin gently and with care. Your heart is thrashing, pounding in your ribcage, and heat floods through your being, arousal comes with that and it leaves you aching so terribly with a need for sweet release. Heavy ragged breaths leave your lips, licking your lips as you can only think of Karl, what he was going to do to you, what you were going to do to him. He takes your nipple out of his mouth, trailing kisses down your stomach as he gets lower and lower until he reaches your bothersome pants, letting out a growl he harshly pulls your pants down and throws them somewhere before he immediately buries his face into your crotch. His tongue moves gently, caressing all your sweet spots as the heat begins to boil up deep inside of you, you relished and savored the moist heat that caressed you in such amazing ways. Moaning against you, his hands wrap around your thighs to keep you from moving too much but he thought it was all about making you feel better, tonight was all about what you wanted, whatever you wanted you will have it. "Oh, Karl ...! Hah ... shit ... shit ..." You moan shamelessly, your hands clutch and grasp at his long locks of hair as heavy breaths are pried from your lips along with whispers of his name falling from those beautiful lips of yours. "Enjoying it, darling ... am I being good for you? Am I a good boy? Tell me I'm a good boy, kitten ..." He purrs erotically, his words roll gracefully off his tongue before he buries his tongue back into you, kissing, licking, and sucking on all of your sweet spots. "Good boy ...! Oh, so good ... fuck I missed your mouth so much ..." You whine needily, clutching at the sheets beneath you as you lick your lips, waves, and waves of heated ecstasy washes over you in sharp and powerful waves.

"That's it ...! Fuck, don't stop ... don't stop fucking me with that tongue of yours ...!" You cry out in a series of moans that are soon followed by ragged breaths, you grind your hips against his mouth eager and aching for some form of release, eager for more of the ecstasy he gives you. But he suddenly stops as he can barely hold himself back from taking you right here and right now, he begins to unzip his pants and fights to get them off. An annoyed expression twists onto your face as you roll your eyes and get up from the bed, grabbing him by his shoulders and turning him around towards the bed as you push him onto the bed with a devilish grin. "It's my turn, love ..." You chuckle as you begin to straddle his lap with your arms pressed into his chest and you begin to take him inside of you as a heavy breathless moan of his name leaves your lips the moment his thick cock fills you. It throbs and twitches inside of you, making you nearly jump at the sensation before you take all of his thick throbbing cock inside of you, the way he fills you is like no other, his cock stretches you and fills you perfectly. The way your walls clung and hugged his thick throbbing cock drove him insane, a heavy groan left his lips at the tight heat that surrounded and embraced his throbbing cock. "Oh, fucking hell ...! Shit ... so damn tight and ... hot ... come on, darling ride me nice and hard. Leave me at your mercy ..." He purrs devilishly as a long chuckle soon follows after, lust clouds his remarkable green eyes, his hands reach up to cup your flushed cheeks as a warm joyful smile curls onto his lips. You smile back at him, joy washing over you like a breeze as you rested your hands upon his shoulders and began to chase eagerly and joyfully after your sweet and euphoric release. Your hips grind and roll against his lap, heavy breaths are pried from your lips as heat begins to build and rise through your body, Karl's heavy ragged breaths can be heard along with yours as he wraps his arms around your neck. A low "fuck" leaves his parted lips as his eyelashes weigh heavy on top of his shut eyelids, sharp electric sensations of bliss shot through him every time your hips went lower. Burying his teeth into his bottom lip, a heavy groan leaves his lips at the blissful heat that envelopes his throbbing eager cock, all he can do is stare in awe at your expressions of bliss and ecstasy. It's so amazing.

"Mmh, baby ... you're so goddamn beautiful ... so exquisite. Come on, tell me how much you love me ... show me how much you've missed me ..." He purrs with a devilish smile on his lips, biting his lips soon afterward he places his hands on your hips gently moving them back and forth just to speed things up a bit. Your cheeks quickly become flushed at his words as you lightly squeeze onto his shoulders, heavy breaths still leaving your parted lips as you begin to throw your hips up and down onto his thick throbbing cock. It presses and drives into you eagerly, lightly hitting your sweet spot causing whines of Karl's name to be pried from your lips, licking your lips you entangle Karl into another heated passionate kiss that is so full of tenderness and consideration. "Karl ...! F-fuck ...!" You whine needily as you pull away from his lips, your eyes flutter at the bliss that courses through you as the heat floods through you. Your teeth grind against your bottom lip gently before you begin to slam your hips down onto his throbbing cock that perfectly curled onto your sweet spot as it repeatedly hits that sweet spot making his name fall from your lips again and again. "Oh! Karl ...! Mmh, Karl ...! It's so fuckin good, Karl ...!" You moan breathlessly, throwing your head back at the ecstasy that washes over you in burning relentless waves, skin hitting against skin echoed through his bedroom as your moans and heavy breaths are Karl's melody. Groaning deeply, his hands move lower onto your ass cheeks, wrapping his fingers around the area he lightly squeezes them with a chuckle following after, it's not a minute before he's nearly arching his back and a long whine is pried from his throat. "Fucking hell, sweetheart ...! Ooh, hah ...!" He whines deeply as waves and waves of ecstasy washed over him, he couldn't be happier and everything in his being felt like it could cry of joy. "Karl ... I'm gonna ... oh fuck ... fuck ... gonna c-cum!" You manage to say, heavy breaths fill your throat and your heart thrashes and pounds erratically in your chest, thighs tremble and shake against his legs, and your entire body throbs and aches. "Kiss me, oh please kiss me ... tell me how much you love me ..." Karl rambles in a series of heavy breaths as he wraps his arms around your torso, leaning in for another heated kiss as you continue to slam your hips down as hard as you can moaning shamelessly against his lips. Your entire body trembles and pulsates erratically as you had boiled over, heat travels through you along with sweet sweet ecstasy that left you nearly screaming his name against his lips. Pulling away from his lips as heavy ragged breaths leave your lips, you gaze intensely, it's not moments before your name falls breathlessly from his parted lips and his expression of joy quickly fades into one of ecstasy and relief. Sharp powerful sensations of ecstasy shot through him relentlessly as began to cling to you, wrapping his arms around you clinging to you and to what for a second feels so much like a damn dream.

Wrapping your arms around him, you find serenity in his cool embrace and you find serenity in the idea that things are gonna be okay, that things are gonna change from today to hopefully years from now. You smile into his embrace before pulling out of his embrace, moments later as you gaze into each other's eyes once more, passion and warmth clouded his green eyes. That look in his eyes like he was just so ... happy and like you're the one thing that matters in his erratic and wild world. "So ... Karl, what's next for us? ... After Miranda is dead and all that bullshit ...?" You question with a curious smile resting upon your lips, you rest in his embrace and he can't help but chuckle at your words. "Whatever it is that is next for you ... whether it's fucking staying here or leaving for better places ... you go and I'll follow." He answers warmly and confidently as a chuckle soon follows after his words. "Oh, so I made you my loyal dog, have I?" You chuckle, beaming at the man before you as he can't help but chuckle once more at your words. "In a way, yes you have ... made me weak for you ... made me unafraid to be myself around you. ... You are incredibly special to me, butterfly ..." He says in a gentle breath, smiling warmly at you as you can't help but flush different shades of red at his words. "You're even more special ... I love you more than you will ever know Karl ... and I've loved you all this time ... I hope I will never stop loving you. That no matter how bad things get that we will get through it together." You exclaim in pure joy as you both end up smiling sheepishly at each other before you rest your head in the nape of his neck and he wraps his arms around, hoping for a more optimistic and brighter future than he could've ever imagined.

[cosmicjoke]

Ah, and now onto one of the most depressing chapters in all of SnK, chapter 132.

You know, if anyone ever needed a reason to despise Floch any more, how about the fact that he’s literally the reason Hange died?  If this bitch ass ho hadn’t shot the fuel tank of the plane full of holes, Hange wouldn’t have had to engage with the Titans to buy time for them to fix it, and they wouldn’t have died.  So, fuck you Floch.  I wish you’d suffered more before Mikasa finally ended your ass.

Well, anyway, what can I say about this chapter that hasn’t already been discussed?  Probably nothing, but I’ll try my best to give my observations anyway.

This really is Hange’s chapter, and Levi’s, in terms of putting a spot light on the importance of their relationship to one another.  

Hange’s sacrifice in this chapter is heartbreaking, it truly is, and such a major blow to everyone.  But to Levi most of all, and for so many reasons.

First of all, what stands out to me is the exchange between them, after Pieck tells Hange to stop being “gross”.  What I want to talk about here is when Hange asks Levi if he thinks their dead comrades are watching, and if he thinks they’ll be proud of what they do here today.  Levi tells Hange to stop talking like “him”, meaning of course Erwin.  This scene is just heart-wrenching, and part of that is, I think, because of Levi’s reaction to what Hange is saying.  He has, once again, such a weary, resigned looked on his face, and it’s because, I think, of the parallels he sees with Erwin.  I think Levi already knows, at this point, that Hange is going to die, in some way.  He recognizes the same, fatalistic bent to Hange’s mindset as he saw in Erwin, that day in Shinganshina, the same burden of guilt.  Just as Erwin began to bow and break under the weight of all the lives that had been lost under his command, Hange too is beginning to break, overcome by despair and hopelessness at what they perceive to be their failures.  Hange expresses this outright in the scene with Yelena, when Yelena tries forcing everyone to admit that Zeke was right, and Hange just resignedly agrees, saying that it was because of their failure to come up with a plan, because of their loss of hope, that Eren’s done what he has.  Of course, this isn’t true, just like Erwin blaming himself for the deaths of all those soldiers wasn’t based in any kind of truth.  But the sense of guilt is the same.  Hange blames themselves for what’s happening now, and they say this in front of everyone, including Levi.  And then Hange says what they do to Levi, about their dead comrades, and I think this must have been like the worst kind of deja vu to Levi, this kind of guilt driving Hange towards despair and hopelessness.  He tells Hange “Don’t you start talking like him, too...” because he can’t bear it.  He can’t bear to see his last, true friend succumb to the same fate as Erwin.

And then the Rumbling shows up, and Hange refuses for anyone else to engage with the Titans but themselves.  They tell everyone “I’m the one who led us here.  I pressed on, even at the cost of so many lives.  Time to face the music.”, and it’s Hange willingly taking on the role of martyr, the same one Levi had to help Erwin to accept for himself, in order to give their comrades a chance at victory.  Hange’s selflessness here is the definition of heroic.  True, unwavering conviction to what they believe is right.

But once again, similarly to Levi’s final push to help Erwin become the commander everyone believed him to be, Levi recognizes for Hange, in their final moment together, what it is they need.  He doesn’t try to stop Hange, doesn’t try to convince them against their chosen course of action, doesn’t cry out after them.  The same way Levi recognized in Erwin the way he was being crushed under the weight of his guilt, and understood how it would be a mercy and a salvation to make for him the decision to let go of his dream and die, Levi also recognizes in Hange that same burden and suffocating sense of guilt, and knows this is a decision Hange has made for themselves, their final absolution and ownership of their past choices, and that this is the thing Hange needs to relieve them of their burden.  A way for them to bear the burden of their past choices without regret.  Hange implores Levi to let them walk away and do this, and Levi does, because he understands, the same as he understood with Erwin.

But we finally see in full view the consequences for Levi in making these decisions, in letting his two, closest friends go to their deaths for the sake of their cause.  Levi’s expression in the following three panels is one of such unfathomable heartbreak.  He looks like a man utterly resigned to losing every good thing in his life, conscious and accepting of life’s bitter injustice and the grief of loss, but no less affected by it.  Levi is in so much obvious pain here.  Not physical (though obviously there’s that), but emotional and mental.  Hange is it for him.  They’re his last, real connection, his last, true friend, his last person.  And he has to let them go here.  Both for the sake of humanity, and for Hange’s own sake as well.  It truly is the bitterest pill to swallow.  And once again, it is a desperately heartbreaking display of Levi’s own selflessness, that he lets Hange go, that he lets Hange do this thing that needs to be done, without complaint, without protest, without influence from his own feelings, sacrificing once more what would be best for him for the sake of everyone else.  Levi looks devastated as he lays his fist against Hange’s chest and tells them “dedicate your heart”.  This final acceptance of his own, tragic loss, and Hange’s own choice to sacrifice their life.

And it continues when Hange flies away, at last, and we see Levi standing with the rest of their group.  Everyone around Levi has expressions of shock, dismay, and disbelief.  They haven’t yet accepted that this is happening, that Hange is flying to their death to buy them the time they need.  They look astonished and horrified.  But Levi is the lone exception.  He doesn’t look shocked, or disbelieving, but only continues to carry that same expression of weary, despairing resignation and acceptance.  And I think what we see in Levi, in this final arc is, in many ways, the culmination of a lifetime of loss and grief.  Levi’s lost more than probably any other character in SnK.  He’s experienced the most extreme forms of poverty and depravation from the time he was born, and with the death of Hange, has now lost every, single person that he ever formed any kind of close bond with.  With Hange’s death, Levi is left finally, completely alone.  And the look of defeat on Levi’s face throughout this entire arc is, I think, reflective of the affirmation he must feel, of the cruelty and injustice of life’s indifference to the suffering of everyone.  Every experience in Levi’s life has driven home to him the lesson, again and again, of the unfairness and cruelty of existing in this world.  And the events of this final arc, Eren’s betrayal, Zeke’s manipulations and cruelties, the deaths of so many comrades, the Rumbling, violence and destruction and allies turning against one another, and finally, Hange’s death, can only solidify for him the hopeless cynicism he’s fought against all his life, the awful comprehension of life’s brutality.  With Hange’s death, Levi is made to face once more what he’s always, deep down, known, which is that to exist in this world is to suffer with no purpose.  

And yet, still, Levi fights on.  He accepts Hange’s death with all the pain the loss crushes him down with.  He tells Hange goodbye, and asks them to “Just watch us.”.  Because even with the affirmation of all of Levi’s greatest despairs, he still finds a reason to make the fight worth it.  To realize the dream they all fought for, the salvation and future of humanity, and through the realization of that dream, to give meaning and importance to the lives of all those who have died in that dreams name, and meaning and importance to the lives of those yet still there.  Levi refuses, still, to give up, refuses to accept the futility and insignificance of people’s lives, even as he’s so ruthlessly reminded again and again of it.  And it’s in Hange, I think, that Levi finds that strength.  Because Hange also refused to give up.  Like they told Floch as he bled out, “We still can’t give up.  Even if we fail here, now, maybe someday...”  Maybe someday, life really will get better.  Maybe someday, people won’t have to suffer so much.  Maybe someday, there really will be a point to all of it.  Even in the face of total despair, Hange and Levi both found reasons to keep fighting.

Also, just some smaller observations about Levi’s physical state, and what it also says about his determination to not give up, but also about his perception of himself.

Levi is doing BAD here.  I didn’t notice this on my first read through, but when they’re all gearing up with their ODM gear, Levi is the only one sitting down on a crate, while everyone else is standing.  We see earlier in the chapter, when he leaves his room on the boat, he can’t even stand without the support of a handrail on the upper deck, or Armin’s arm around his shoulders.  And then when we see him testing his grip on the handle of his ODM’s blade, his hand is visibly shaking.  Levi’s physically too weak to stand on his own at this point, too weak to even hold his blades steady.  He must be in absolutely horrific pain.  Probably dizzy and lightheaded, probably nauseas even.  He’s FAILING physically.  On the verge, it seems, of collapse.  The fact that he’s even up and making the effort to move is something of a miracle, let alone that he’s prepared to engage in intense, physical combat, which just a short time later, he DOES.  That’s remarkable, and such a testament to Levi’s incredible will and unwavering conviction to fight for humanity.  He’s dying.  I think literally, he’s extremely close to death, genuinely frail.  But he still is ready and willing to give his all.  I think, over the course of the few chapters before this one, it must have been horrifically hard for Levi to sit by and watch as everyone else risked their lives to fight.  This isn’t something Levi is used to, being helpless and unable to fight for others.  He isn’t used to letting others take the risk while he stays back.  When Levi comes out of his cabin and Armin tries to convince him to go back to bed, Levi snaps with impatience that if he keeps resting, they’re all going to forget he even exists.  This reveals a lot about Levi’s perception of himself as someone who needs to make himself useful in order to matter.  As a tool to utilize.  He feels useless and like dead weight if he isn’t able to fight, and so, even on deaths door, he pushes himself to do just that, to become a weapon to be used in the coming battle.  It’s heartbreaking, to see Levi regard himself this way, even as it proves his incredible devotion and heart.  Once again, his own well being takes a backseat to the cause of others.  His health is secondary, in his mind.  For someone who always shows so much compassion and kindness and understanding for others, it makes it doubly heartbreaking, to see that Levi can’t manage the same compassion for himself, can’t give himself a break, or a pass for his weakness.  That he can’t allow himself that vulnerability, or for others to fight for him, even as all his life, he’s done nothing but fight for others.  

[twistedmusings]

What Are You Writing?

A/N: JOKES ON YOU GUYS, I'M AN OBEY ME WRITERS BLOG NOW. Nah not really, I mean maybe I might start thinking about making one in the future but I see all these awesome writers in that fandom and I get i n t i m i d a t e d. Nevertheless, I did want to pull a harmless prank on my readers so...enjoy a labor of love and possible regret as I now have to work on other requests ó uò

How would the brothers act with a Writer MC?

-He almost jumps when you walk into the room, practically shouting his name as you go to stand next to his desk and take a peek at what he is working on.

“Can I help you? “You certainly can.”

-You place a notebook next to his stack of paperwork and take a pen out, opening it up to a blank page before staring at him and building up your courage to ask the next question.

“What would you do if I suddenly asked you to be my fake boyfriend for a day?”

-You certainly were keeping up with your role in being the one human he isn’t able to pin down, huh?

-He asks what in the world you are talking about and you squat near him so that you can explain what you were doing. RAD proved to be a lot more stressful than you thought and you didn’t need to remind him that you were playing therapist to seven demons so you needed some sort of break.

-You tell him that in the human world you had a habit of writing ideas, snippets and even random bits of dialogue when you got stressed so you had asked Satan to lend you a notebook and a pen so you could unwind but you had gotten stuck in one scene.

-The character you were writing was loosely based on Lucifer so you decided why not ask him what he would do in order to get some inspiration!

“So here I am! I don’t need an entire synopsis I just want to know because maybe that will spark something inside of me.”

-Pen to paper, you look up at Lucifer ready to write anything down and even though you were looking him straight in the eye you were not paying attention to just how hard Lucifer was staring at you.

-You really had no idea how he felt about you, did you?

-Even with the pact making, the Hellfire Newt Syrup incident, the countless of times he had tried to flirt with you to the point that anyone without eyes could tell how he felt about you, your human brain did not seem to accept the fact that the eldest of the seven demon lords had fallen for you.

-Was this just another way of torturing him? Who would have thought that you would be such a cruel master?

-If only he wasn’t bound to you by the pact. Not that he regretted it but without the pact the ‘need’ to submit to you wasn’t as strong, all he would have to do is grab your chin, turn your face towards his so that he could tell you explicitly what was going through his head every time he saw you--

“...I would walk you to class, first and foremost. We would leave the House of Lamentation together and arrive together as well. Maybe some impromptu dates. Free tutoring as well.” “That’s tempting~ Would you let me hang around in your study?” “You are already welcome to do that.” “Aw, when did you get so soft?”

-Get the hint already!

-Your hand is scribbling down every idea he says, making quips here and there as you both talk extensively about your fake dates would play out. The idea of having you all to himself without his brothers around was already so tempting yet here you were talking about it like it was just a passing thought.

-That wouldn’t do.

-He grabs the top of your pen and smiles when you look up at him in confusion.

“At end of the day, I want to make you feel like the most important person in my world. I don’t want there to be a single doubt in your mind that you belong with me. Pact or no pact, you changed me in ways I couldn’t even fathom, MC, and I am doing everything in my power so that you will see just how important you are to me.”

-Your eyes are staring up at him, wide and with surprise as he dares to cup your cheek.

-He did it. He had gotten through to you! All he had to do was lean in and--!

“Can you repeat that one more time?! Oh my god Luci that was so good! I’m showing this to Satan when I’m done! Thank you so much!”

-Lucifer’s hand drops to his lap as he watches you pick yourself up and run out of his study, his fist clenching in his hand as he thought of just how blind you could be for not seeing what he had tried to convey with those cliched words! Of all the humans--!

-He stops as he hears your giggles outside of the hallway, unclenching his fist and sighing as he tries to look at the positives.

-There had been a flush on your cheeks, of that he was sure. Which meant that in some way...his words had made an impact. He hoped it would take just a few more cheesy lines for you to fall for him.

”Mammon!!!!”

-From the top of his head to the tip of his toes, Mammon could feel himself shiver as you called out his name. Ever since he made that pact the way you would call out his name would send a pleasant shiver down his spine as he turned to greet you.

-Levi told him that you had been looking for him and he had practiced his greeting at least five times to make him look as cool as possible.

“Yo MC! I heard you were looking for the Great Mammon!”

-See? Wasn’t he cool?

-The brothers watched as you didn’t even greet Mammon, you just grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the living room telling everybody that you needed to talk to him privately.

-Privately? As in you two alone? Together?

-Well of course you wanted to talk to him alone! His awesome ways had probably finally gotten through to you and you were about to confess to him. Suck on THAT Lucifer!

-You push him into your room before closing the door and turning to look at him.

“I have something I need to ask you. Do you think you can help?”

-The words escape him before he even thinks them.

“Anything.”

“I want to go out with you. Tonight. Almost like a pretend date.”

-Fireworks go off inside his head as he feels tears prickle at the corners of his eyes. This was real, you were asking him out! You had picked him out of all his brothers despite how many messes he got you in and how much trouble tended to follow him--

-Wait, pretend?

-You proceed to show off your little book of writings, explaining to him that you had gotten stuck in trying to describe a hidden date between the protagonist and the love interest.

“They are trying to hide the fact they are dating from everybody so that they won’t get in trouble. I figured that a human and a demon going on a date is already somewhat of stigma as it is so I just want to see how it feels so I can describe it better.”

-He can’t really describe the sadness that he feels when you tell him it would all be pretend. Too much for dropping Grimm on wishing wells. He was going to go back and fish them all out tomorrow. What a letdown!

-Here he was, the GREAT Mammon letting a human toy with his heart like this!

“You won’t get in too much trouble if we do this...right?”

-The worry in your voice is what makes him look into your eyes. Your hand was on his as you looked for any signs of discomfort from the Avatar of Greed. Your eyes were entirely on him.

-Mammon’s subconscious: More of that please.

-You looked so worried for his well-being. Mammon had no idea who had told you that humans and demons were not allowed to date but they had clearly lied to you. There was no stigma whatsoever. And in retrospect he should reveal that to you now so that there would be no misinformation on how much he wanted to take you on a not pretend date.

-But all your attention was on him. Your body was facing his way, your hands on his as you licked your lips nervously. More, more, more, more he needed for you to look at him more--!

“Tch. Making such a complicated request. You could really get me in trouble for this, MC!” “You’re right, I shouldn’t push it--” “But I guess if you are asking me, I could spare a couple hours...for you.”

-You both share a smile as you hug him close, his arms wrapping around you tight as he tries to keep his smile from breaking out into full blown giggles.

-This worked out for him as well! He was going to give you the best date of your human life so you would have no choice but to fall for him! You better get ready!

-You wrote some fiction, he wrote TSL fanfiction, Levi was probably already aware of your talent once he asked to beta one of his other works and you came back not just with some beta but with some actual USEFUL feedback unlike Satan going on about his spelling mistakes. -So you are already in his room when you ask for his help, grinning as you hold up the small ideas that you had written for your proper introduction into the TSL fandom.

“I want to write an AU about Henry and the Lord of Shadows in an arranged marriage!”

-The premise was simple. You wanted to write about the Lord of Shadows and his Henry having to marry each other in order to bring peace to both of their kingdoms. The marriage proposition was sudden and each of the seven brothers was against it but you wanted to show just how much Henry was willing to sacrifice to help the people who he cared about the most.

-And you loved drama like this.

-You hold up your book as you keep ranting to Levi, the other caught up in your plot as he closed his eyes in order to better imagine it.

“And I want a moment where the Lord of Shadows tells Henry that he doesn’t have to do this. That he wants him to be happy and doesn’t want him to be stuck with a reclusive Lord for all his life.”

-Of course, of course. The Lord of Shadows had always hoped for Henry’s happiness and he had also sacrificed a great many of his previous ways in order to gain his best friend’s praise! Levi was proud, you understood these characters so well! So he pipes in with his own thoughts.

“I bet Henry turns to him and asks why he is so against the idea! It would push the Lord of Shadows to confess that he has secretly longed for Henry’s affection and attention all this time!”

-You both grin before you stand up, putting on a fake sad face as you take Levi’s hand in yours before pressing them to your chest.

“Am I not worthy to be your spouse? Do you hate the idea of marrying me that much?”

-Levi is caught up in the moment that he doesn’t even notice how close you two are, instead moving even closer as he cupped your cheek.

“You? Not worthy? It is I who is not worthy of you. After all you have done...can I be selfish enough to call you mine?”

-Oh this was practically writing itself! You really hoped that Levi remembered some of these lines. You pull away from his touch dramatically before sighing as you decide that this scene would be a good catalyst moment for a confession.

“Have you ever thought of me that way? More than what we have now? I’m embarrassed to admit it but...I have on many occasions longed for something more.”

-Levi’s expression softens in a way you haven’t seen before, keeping a hold on your hands as he follows up with you seamlessly.

“If I told you about my fantasies...about the deep need I feel to keep you away from prying eyes and hoping that yours would remain on me despite the others who so badly wish for your hand. Would you still see me in such high regard?”

-Shit he was good. The prying eyes bit was perfect! Now to end it with a bang! You feel Levi pull you by your waist so you are pressed against his chest, eyes looking down at you as if begging for your reply. So you do what you have read in many other books and take his face in your hands.

“Keep me. Forever.”

-You both stay that way for a few seconds before you pull away and let out a giddy squeal, rushing over to your book and writing down the lines that you could remember, gushing about how Levi had just given you the best ending ever.

-What you didn’t see was the poor demon standing there, arms still pretending to hold someone as the spell broke for him slowly. He needed to process just what the hell just happened.

-He had held your hands, touched you, had you close enough that he could feel you against him and you hadn’t even moved away! Levi could still see how warm your hands were on his cheeks and the words that you had said to him were now slowly coming back to him as he remembered his embarrassing replies!

-You jump and turn when you hear a clatter behind you, turning around to see that Levi had fainted and was now slumped against one of his many manga bookshelves, face all red and a dopey smile on his lips as he repeated your words over and over.

-If you had a writing buddy in Levi, then you got a plot bunny buddy with Satan.

-With the amount of books that he has read and the number of genres he is into, you are surprised that he finds your ideas mildly interesting. They were all just cliches and purely for your enjoyment so when he asked you if he could read some of what you had written you were too shocked to notice that he had already taken the book from your backpack.

“A love story...interesting.”

-You two were in the library, looking for a certain book about black magic casting as well as some examples of ritual circles that you needed to complete for your next assignment. Or rather you were looking for the books, he was just following close behind you as he read your latest entry.

“How are you stuck in this scene?” “Huh?” “How the main character meets the second love interest. It’s pretty obvious.”

-Well excuse you for having writer’s block. You know that he was trying to be helpful but his help always came with some sort of sarcastic twinge that, while endearing during some situations, was incredibly annoying when he was criticizing your writings. You turn back to look at him as you stop at the spot the book was supposed to be in.

“I haven’t necessarily fallen in love with anyone lately, you know! It’s too specific a feeling!”

-Satan’s eyes take in the way you tip-toe to try and reach the book, cursing under your breath as you struggled to get it from the highest shelf. Devildom libraries were notoriously famous for having ridiculously large bookshelves and only a ghost attendant would be able to help you. He looks down at your book and then back at the small scene before smiling as he snaps the book shut.

-Surely a bit of inspiration is all you needed, correct?

-You feel a hand on your lower back, another brushing the hand reaching out for the book and grabbing it for you. Satan smiles as he holds out the book to you.

“Black magic casting...and you needed something about ritual circles, right? It seems the perfect book is right next to you.”

-He ‘accidentally’ brushes your cheek when reaching out for the book behind you, humming for a moment before he puts it back and looks down at you without moving his arm out of the way. Satan had just effectively trapped you in a rather flawlessly executed Kabedon.

“...Satan...the book…” “It wasn’t the right one. Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to get you in this position.”

-Your eyes were shining, the book was pressed right against your chest, he could even see the small blush adorning your face as the situation became quite clear to you. Now he wouldn’t tell you that he had practiced this sort of scenario by himself in his room just in case you ever asked him for help finding a book, better for you to believe that this had all been just a ‘happy’ accident.

“You are looking at me so seriously, MC.” “I know what you are doing.”

-He dares to move closer, his shadow casting over you as if to hide you from prying eyes. If you made the first move, there would be no one stopping him.

“Yeah?” “This would be perfect! A library setting! Gives me a chance to make the character like a cool librarian type!”

-Satan stays silent as you grab the books you need and snatch your notebook from his hand, stating that you were going to check these out immediately and then head home. He turns back to look at the place you were just standing at, the place where you had been completely at his mercy.

-Dammit, he should have blocked the other side too.

-Asmo was ecstatic when you asked him for his book collection.

-It annoyed him to no end when people thought that the only way he consumed his erotica was through personal experience and porn. In his opinion, after personal experience, the best way to enjoy his usual favourite activity was reading erotica. The descriptions, to get into the thoughts of the inner characters and seeing how they essentially lose their minds to the pleasure. It was thrilling.

-So when you come knocking at his door one night and ask for one of the books you usually catch him reading, he is both excited and curious.

“Which one do you want darling? I have the first volume of ‘Eternal Dom Love’, ‘Baring My Soul to a Demon’, ‘Captive Human’--” “You have anything like...with dirty talk?

-Oh now he is really excited and curious.

-He looks around his small library and pulls out the book he thinks is best for what you desired, holding it out for you to take but pulling it back quickly with a grin. Asmo wasn’t going to just let you walk away after telling him something so interesting~

“I’m a bit possessive about my books, MC~ What are you going to use it for? Recreational reasons?”

-You blush and cover your face with your hands, not really embarrassed for asking but instead embarrassed that you were about to tell him what you were going to do with it. But you steel yourself, you had heard Asmo flirt in the club before and from how quickly his dates had insisted on taking it to a more ‘private’ area, you knew he had the thing that you desperately needed.

“I…” “Yes?” “I’m-trying-to-write-the-prelude-to-a-sex-scene-in-one-of-my-stories-but-I-have-no-idea where-to-start-so-I-need-material!”

-Asmo blinks before grinning as he got in your face, pushing the book into your hands as he asked you what the story was about, who were the characters, had you based them off of anybody and just what kind of sex scene where you planning?

-He had no idea you had that kind of talent, where had you been hiding that all this time?

-You slowly explain the plot to him, getting a bit more into it as you see how much attention Asmo is paying to your every word. Out of all of the brothers you didn’t expect him to be so interested in one of your stories! The scene you have in mind is somewhat clear to you so you try to explain to him just what you think is missing.

“It is a demon and a human. They are clearly not supposed to be doing this. Yet that is--” “What makes it all the more appealing.”

-Asmo had played this out perfectly given the little time he had to work with. The more you talked, the closer he got to you. The closer he got, the more you moved away subconsciously. Your body instinctively wanted to make room for him and give him his space but you let out a small ‘meep’ when the back of your knees hit the side of his hanging chair and you find yourself sitting down as he kneels in front of you.

“They both know that if they take such a intimate step with one another they might not be able to go back to how they used to be before. Everything will change.”

-You nod as Asmo touches your leg, hand moving towards your thigh as he rests his chin on your knees.

“But what is so wrong with change? You said the demon is a charmer so they would want to charm them throughout the whole thing. It would start out slow, teasing even, probably testing out the waters as they see what their human likes and doesn’t like."

-He scoots closer and traces your fingers, the digits wrapped tightly around his book as he continues..

“They would eventually lose control, wouldn’t they? The passion would be too much for them to handle and they both would lose themselves to their lust. Although it wouldn’t be just lust…”

-Asmo looks up to meet your eyes, straightening out as he leans in closer to the point that you are shutting your eyes and leaning in as well--it’s not that you haven’t had experience with kisses but surely the demon of lust’s kiss would spark something inside your head--!

-You open your eyes when you feel the book leaving your hands.

“I changed my mind. I think this would be a much better title for what you are looking for, Sweetie.”

-He holds out your hand for you to stand up and you almost want to ask Solomon to cast some sort of spell that would make you forget everything that happened in these moments. You closed your eyes like some highschooler waiting for their first kiss--you were better than that!

-You thank him and make your way out of his room, running back to yours as fast as you can without noticing Asmo’s mischievous smile as he waved goodbye. It was always good to play the long game~

-You two had stopped at Madame’s Scream because Beel had complained about being hungry yet again. Besides you both had done rather well on an examination so--why not celebrate?

-You only had a small fizzy drink while Beel had ordered himself something called ‘The Herculean Parfait’, something about it holding 25 scoops of ice cream plus whip cream, nuts and some waffle cones at the bottom. Now the waiter had brought out two spoons but it was clear that Beel would only be needing one.

-This was rather normal for you two, Beel eating his fill while you stared at the blank page of your small notebook. You were trying to write a cute scene with a couple sharing a dessert at a coffee shop where they first met but you were struggling to think of a fluffy scenario.

-Was feeding your partner considered cheesy nowadays? You tap your page twice before looking at Beel. The second spoon remained untouched, some ice cream specks stuck to the shiny, concave surface as the Demon of Gluttony continued his ice cream carnage. You grab the spoon and take some from the side that had yet to be eaten.

“Hey Beel”

-The demon stops eating and looks at you as you hold out the spoon to him, his hunger suddenly stopping as he looks at the sugary contents stacked high on the spoon you were holding out for him.

“Say aah!”

-Beel blinks but doesn’t think twice the moment you give him the command, opening his mouth and eating the sugary confection off the spoon, his smile growing as you let out a small giggle.

“Did it taste good?" “Mmm~!" “I’m glad.”

-He abandoned his own spoon as you scooped up some more, opening his mouth as you kept on feeding him. Beel had no idea what had brought this on or why you were suddenly feeding him. It wasn’t like he was complaining, however. Yes your pace was slow and such a giant parfait would surely melt with how slow you were going but he didn’t care, instead opening his mouth wide as you kept on feeding him.

“So Beel…” “Mmm?" “Does it feel any different when I feed you?”

-Beel frowns when the spoon stops but decides to answer your question so that he could go back to eating. Why would it feel any different? Well, it somewhat did? He didn’t know how to describe it but he does feel a lot fuller than before. He is actually tasting the food as you take your time scooping up some more. He had picked out so many different flavors and he could taste almost every single one.

“I wouldn’t say different...but food certainly tastes better when you give it to me.”

-You immediately stop and put the spoon down, smiling as you start to writing down what Beel had just said. You could essentially build an entire scene around that! What a good idea coming here--

“MC?”

-Your pen stops as you look at Beel, your pen falling from your hands as you see the puppy dog look he was giving you. He looks at your hand and then at the spoon.

“Why did you stop?”

-Beel smiles happily as you go right back to what you were doing, the notebook forgotten as you continue to spoil your demon. You had a feeling that this wouldn’t be the last time you were doing this.

-Belphie yawned as he cuddled you closer, your hands moving so they would be wrapped around his neck but still holding onto your phone. He closes his eyes and tries to drift off but frowns when he hears your fingers tapping on your screen. He could probably sleep through the sound but he didn’t want to.

“Turn around.” “Huh?” “Just turn around.”

-You do as he says, now pressed against his chest as you continue to type. Belphegor was close to falling asleep, pressing his nose against your shoulder as he breathes you in---

Tap tap tap tap

“Fuck this.”

-He grabs your phone and drops it off the bed, your protests being muffled as he wraps his arms around your neck to pull you close. You tap his arms twice before wiggling out of his hold, sitting up on the bed and looking at him while he glared back at you.

-What did you think you were doing typing away on your phone? Belphegor never really asked you for much but when it was cuddle time it was cuddle time. You weren’t supposed to do anything *but* cuddle during cuddle time so you clearly needed to stop being distracted.

“What do you think you are doing?” “Taking care of your distraction.”

-You both stare at each other as he sits up as well, clearly letting you know that if you were to go and dig for your phone he wasn’t going to let you. At this point, it really was useless to argue with Belphegor. As the youngest, he was used to getting what he wanted with little setback. So you lay back down, ignoring the triumphant smile Belphegor gave you as he went right back to cuddling you.

“I was writing something.” “It can wait till later…”

-Belphegor yawns and wraps his leg around you, ignoring the little ‘hmphs’ you were giving him as well as the words you were muttering to yourself. But what good would it be if you weren’t cuddling up to him as well so he decided to give in as well.

“What were you writing about?”

-Oh this was new. You turn to face him, talking about the scene you were working on. This couple had just had an exhausting day and they were eager to lay in bed together but their work or other responsibilities were keeping them from cuddling at night. You explained how you wanted to describe the exhaustion one was feeling from not having their partner with them.

-The demon of Sloth hummed when you mentioned how tired the character was and speaking up about how he knew how they felt. You chuckle and mention that it seemed that everything made Belphegor exhausted nowadays. He shakes his head, opening his eyes so he could look at you.

“No. I mean that everything gets heavier when you’re not with me.”

-You try to cut it in and ask him what he is talking about but he beats you to it.

“I get more energy when you are around. I actually want to do things aside from sleeping. “Are you saying you like hanging out with me more than sleeping?” “Don’t push it, MC.”

-Both of you laugh, your body cuddling closer to the demon as you yawn. A part of you was still annoyed that Belphegor had shoved your phone to the floor because now would have been a prime time to write that he had just said but as your eyes grew heavier you just hoped that you would remember it by the time you woke up.

-Belphegor opens his eyes once he feels your breathing evening out, smiling as he leans in close and presses a kiss to your forehead.

“You weren’t far off...I do like you more than sleeping...sometimes…”

-He yawns and wraps an arm around your waist. What a good idea it was to lock the door so none of his brothers would bother you two. Your nights were his, after all.

[gilly-bj]

Why the “Eremika kiss” doesn’t affect Rivamika at all

In the new chapter, we saw for the first time something that we didn’t expect to happen in the manga: a kiss, between Mikasa and (dead)Eren, probably not like we all imagined. This kiss hit everyone hard, also the Eremika shippers, who weren’t very happy with the fact that Eren was already dead when Mikasa kissed him. Eremikas unfortunately weren’t the only ones sad, also lots of Rivamikas had this feeling and, I was one of them.

When the chapter came out and I saw Mikasa kissing Eren, I literally crashed (windows.exe stopped working); my whole body stopped working and the only sensible thought I could elaborate was: “Wait, WTF!”. After I scraped together that quantity of calm that could make me, at least, sit down, I started to write posts that I’ve already eliminated, so don’t look for them because I made them disappear, because my opinions changed radically.

Quick note for you guys from your G: in these cases, don’t write immediately what you’re thinking in that exact moment. I was incredibly frustrated, so the posts I wrote were full of complaints. I didn’t analyzed the kiss from other prospectives, because for me it was only the “eremika kiss”. Remember to wait at least the traduction of the chapter, official or not; you’ll have enough time to reflect on it and elaborate opinions lucidly.

Anyway, in this post I’ll talk about three things:

Eremika’s conversation and Mikasa’s dream

The kiss and why it doesn’t affect Rivamika

Final considerations about RM

The subheadings are written in their own special colour, so if you’re not interested in one of them, it will be easier to find the other.

Let’s start!

• Eremika’s conversation and Mikasa’s dream.

Mikasa has an headache and she wake up in her ideal world, where she lives with Eren in a isolated cabin in the woods. This chapter is from Mikasa’s pov, and note that her perfect image of home is again showed, probably for the last time. I think that Mikasa’s feelings for Eren were kinda obvious, apart from the fact that I never liked or supported them, they are here and we can’t do anything against them.

But I’ve never imagined to see that kind of selfish dream from Mikasa; she is the girl who always cares for everyone, the one who is ready to sacrifice herself for the well-being of her friends, the one who loves them and support them independently from the situation. To be honest, it hurts to see that in her dream, Armin isn’t with them; if there wasn’t Levi, my shipper heart would have hurt but I’d understand, they aren’t so close yet, but Armin, they’ve grown together.

But I’m not mad at Mikasa, each of us has a selfish dream deep inside, where we’d rather sacrifice others to save our special person; it doesn’t mean that we don’t love them, it’s just, if we’d have to choose, we’d prefer to keep safe only him or her. Let me explain better my point with an example: imagine a man who lives in a country at war; he has the possibility to save just two people and he has to choose between his wife and daughter or his parents. He would probably save his wife and daughter, but it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his parents. Choosing between the people we love is the most painful thing in the world, but sometimes we just have to do it, and in Mikasa’s case, she’d choose Eren.

Anyway, before talking about the conversation, I want to analyze a little detail: during her all dream, Mikasa and Eren are in their teen form, why? Well, my interpretation is that Mikasa is still in love with the old Eren and she can’t understand the new one, indeed, one she said: “I’ll bring the old Eren back”. Even if she doesn’t completely understand him, she still loves him, and that’s why I adore Mikasa.

Anyway, let’s analyze better their conversation:

Eren wakes Mika up and he states their situation in that moment, how they ran away leaving the others to their cruel destiny. Now, do we all agree how that doesn’t fit Eren’s character, at all. His most famous line is “Fight if you want to win”, which it shows how brave he is; if he’d run away with Mikasa, he would act like a coward, and he can’t accept cowardice.

And here, Mikasa’s biggest regret: the answer she gave to Eren; remeber when she said: “If only I gave him another answer”, and in her dream she probably did: thanks to Eren’s words, we can assume that Mikasa told him to run away with her, to leave everything, probably what she wanted to answer in the reality. I interpreted that scene from chapter 123 like a Mikasa who couldn’t answer because taken by surprise, and then came up with a thing she didn’t mean who is still harassing her.

Let’s say that the Eren in the previous panels was Mikasa’s idealized version, but then something changes. Look at Eren’s face:

The marks. And why did they appear casually? Because, this is the true Eren, the one they are going to kill, the one who wanted to give his probably last message to Mikasa, and in fact the most important part of the conversation: “Please...Mikasa, forget about me”. At this point, I really don’t understand what the Eremika shippers found romantic in this chapter, the fact that the last thing Eren said to Mikasa is “forget about me” made things clear enough. We can notice that Eren entered her dream by the falcon here, funny that Mikasa is actually flying on Falco right now.

I really started to appreciate Mikasa and Eren’s relationship thanks to this chapter; even if I wasn’t, and I am not, a big fan of the Eremika ship, thinking about their relationship made me a bit sad. Anyway, I love the fact that Eren wanted to tell this to Mikasa, I think he deeply want her to live a life without him, because he’s already understood that they have different life goals, different way of thinking, different natures.

Before skipping to the next point, I noticed that many Rivamika shippers’ve already talked about the similarity between Eren and Levi in some of the panels, I’m not going to dwell because I‘ll write a different post about it, but I wanted to say that it can’t be just a coincidence, Levi and Eren’s haircuts are very different and there’s no way to confuse them. I don’t know why Isayama did this; maybe it’s a foreshadowing, or maybe he just wanted to trol us (it’s always him), I’ll just wait patiently April to see if my assumptions are right 😌

• The kiss and why it doesn’t affect Rivamika at all

Ah this kiss, this damn kiss. Uff, let me sit down and let’s talk about it.

So, Mikasa decides to kill Eren and she enters his mouth thanks to Levi’s help. The first thing she sees is Eren’s head, and I think we should already stop and analyze better this moment.

Look at his expression: he seems kinda... happy and, maybe also proud. Why? Because Mikasa finally decided to do the right thing, she chose Humanity, she sacrificed him, the person she loves the most, for the others. That’s her development. Even if she’ll never forget him, she chose to be selfless over selfish, and I’m glad she decided to remember Eren; it’s awful to forget to ones we loved in the past, we shouldn’t forget them, after all, they made us feel beautiful things, thanks to them we gained fantastic memories, why should we completely remove them from our life? Feelings can change, they will change, and Mikasa will change her romantic feelings towards Eren, it’s simply natural, but asking her to forget him is cruel; Levi won’t forget his dead friends, Armin won’t forget his grandfather, Eren won’t forget his mum, and it’s beautiful this way.

Now, let’s get into the spicy of this post: the kiss. Let me the transform in a love specialist (I’m nobody XD). I really don’t see anything romantic in it. Really, is probably the most tragic and sad among Eremika’s interactions because it shows how Mikasa’s feelings have never been reciprocated; she already tried to kiss him, in season 2, and he “rejected” her (that wasn’t a explicit reject but, if I’m not wrong, he didn’t try the Coordinate before so he didn’t know if it worked, he preferred to risk his life instead of kissing her. Actually, that’s also Eren’s personality), and now, yeah she managed to kiss him, but he was dead, he couldn’t kiss her back, couldn’t say anything, couldn’t reject her. I think that at this point, Mikasa already knew Eren wasn’t in love with her, she isn’t stupid, and she saw that kiss as a way to set herself free completely, to close a chapter of her life.

Another thing: I really don’t understand how can EM shippers say that Eremika is canon just because they kissed, sorry, Mikasa kissed him?? A simple kiss doesn’t make a couple canon, you have to analyze the feelings behind it. Why many of them can’t simply analyze a bit the story? Just, a bit...

• Final considerations and Rivamika

When I saw many Rivamika shippers being so happy about this chapter I really couldn’t understand, like “why are they happy if Mikasa literally kissed Eren?”. Well, at first I was very confused, the posts I read made me feel relieved, but... I wasn’t 100% convinced yet, because I was listening only to what the others said, I didn’t have my own opinion. I could see only the kiss (as a negative thing), and not all the foreshadowings we got in this chapter.

I have a certain theory but I will write a separated post about it, here, let’s discuss why that kiss isn’t a problem for us RM shippers. So, my biggest fear was that Mikasa’d live her all life mourning Eren and wouldn’t open herself to someone new, not necessarily Levi lying. Anyway, like I said before, please don’t stress yourself with rushed considerations, it’s just useless. I think that the kiss acted like as a springboard for Rivamika; like I said before, I interpreted it as a way to set herself free completely, to not have regrets because obviously, it was a thing that Mika wanted to do. Levi’s extreme care for her in this chapter, his determination when he saw that she ready to do this such painful thing made me... fly. They fought together until the end showing for the last time their chemistry and fantastic dynamic. Their interactions in this chapter were really special and I hope that there’ll be more in the future, maybe not only as a team;)

In conclusion, I loved this chapter so much, I can consider it as my favorite because, it gave me chills, for real.

I’ll start to work on my theory so yeah, this post isn’t ended yet lol. Stay tuned because there, I’ll talk only about RM so it will be... maybe more interesting from a shipper’s view. Tell me what you think about this in the comments 💜!

[blasphemous-tiefling]

I think part of the reason why there’s so much discord in the MCU fandom has something to do with the varying directors for TFA, The Avengers, Winter Soldier, AOU, Civil War, Infinity War, and Endgame. And really, the backbone of the issue is how the different directors and how the audience interprets Steve’s character. Strap in. Because this is a long rant on a topic that normal people really don’t care about.

Joe Johnston created a Steve Rogers that was eager, begging to go to war. I absolutely adored the line in AOU when Steve says, “What kind of monster would let a German scientist experiment on them to protect their country?” Because I feel that sums up Steve in TFA pretty well. He’s anti-bully. He wants to fight. But his whole life he’s been put down, stomped on. Steve repeatedly enlisting is both selfish and selfless. His conversation with Bucky in TFA is a great example of this. Steve says, “There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me.” And Bucky says, “Right. Because you’ve got nothing to prove.” And that’s it. Yes, Steve wants to fight because he’s always been bullied and doesn’t want anyone else to feel that way. Yes, Steve wants to fight because he wants to defend his country. But also Steve wants to fight because no one has ever given him a chance. Steve wants to fight because he wants his life to mean something. Steve wants to die in battle because he thinks it’s honorable. He wants to prove himself. Steve wants it so desperately for both selfless and selfish reasons, which is why he was so willing to take the serum despite the fact that Erskine told him about past failures. There’s even a certain selfishness to his sacrifice at the end of TFA. Many stories that involve sacrifice ride the line of selfishness and selflessness. By sacrificing himself, you could argue Steve is taking “the easy way out.” He’s distraught over Bucky’s death. He’s won the battle he’s been fighting since getting the super soldier serum. By sacrificing himself, Steve can effectively end the troubles caused by the Tesseract and leave without dealing with the consequences of his sacrifice. This point is a bit of a stretch, and not something that I personally agree with, but the thought it there.

Joss Whedon takes that selflessness and turns it into irrefutable righteousness, and it’s disgusting. Steve has a few goofy lines in The Avengers and AOU that I’ll laugh at, but ultimately, everything he does seems so out of character for him. His constant nagging and arguing with Tony is so unnecessary and doesn’t build friendship. His desire to do everything S.H.I.E.L.D. tells him to do is completely incorrect because Steve went against the military and broke the 107th out of the Hydra facility without permission and repeatedly did whatever he wanted without asking. His incessant need to have all the Avengers do as he says is totalitarian and unbearable to watch. Truthfully, this is where I think people misunderstand Steve the most because not everyone watches every solo movie. The Avengers movies are the biggies that most people won’t miss. So general audiences only see this righteous, dictator Steve Rogers and that really pisses me off.

This is one of the only times you’ll hear me praise the Russos, so get ready- Thank goodness Winter Soldier and Civil War follow Joe Johnston’s characterization of Steve. They even dig into his selfishness and rebellious streak, which I adore. Steve isn’t one to just blindly follow orders. Hello? Does “not a perfect solider but a good man” ring any bells? Perfect soldiers follow orders. Good men fight for what’s right even when the world is telling them not to. That’s who Steve Rogers is. What I adore about Winter Soldier so much is that we see Steve attempting to be this perfect soldier, but it’s just not sitting well with him. Something is fishy and weird. He talks to Peggy about her life. She says her only regret is that Steve didn’t get to live his. Steve talks to Sam about possibly getting out of government work. Sam is that representation for Steve- having a hard time finding out why he’s really in it to begin with. The entire film is about Steve going against the government, military, and S.H.I.E.L.D. with both selfish and selfless desires. He knows he needs to do something because Hydra is growing in S.H.I.E.L.D. but he also doesn’t want anything to do with it anyway, so why not tear it all down? Once Bucky is revealed as the Winter Soldier, Steve puts his life on the line to try to get him back. It’s selfish really. When Steve takes off his helmet and drops his shield, he made the decision to die because he wasn’t gonna continue to live without Bucky. Despite the fact that Steve made friends with Natasha and Sam, he didn’t care. All that mattered to him in that moment was James Bucky Barnes. This is very reminiscent of TFA when Steve breaks Bucky out of the Hydra lab. As the world’s only successful super soldier, Steve could’ve been very valuable to the American government and military. He was even doing mild good by helping sell bonds. But that didn’t matter. His country and his military was no longer priority number one. When it comes to Steve Rogers, nothing and no one means more to him than Bucky. Steve and Sam’s conversation that I previously mentioned also parallels this. After Sam lost Riley, he didn’t want to be in the military anymore. He said he felt like he was up there just to watch, nothing he could do. This is a direct parallel to how Steve feels about Bucky.

Civil War, while a trash movie, sticks with Steve’s selfish yet selfless motivations. “What if this panel sends us somewhere we don’t think we should go? What if there is somewhere we need to go and they don’t let us?” Not wanting to surrender his right to choose is Steve Rogers. He just put down S.H.I.E.L.D.- an organization that was giving him demands. Why would he sign his life away to the American government again? Corporations can be run by greed and corruption- something Steve doesn’t want the world to be full of but also something he doesn’t want his world to be ruled by. When Bucky is framed for killing King T’Chaka, Steve knows the Accords will bring Bucky in and possibly execute him. He can’t let that happen. And he asks Natasha not to get in his way because he doesn’t want anyone else to get hurt. He knows how dangerous Bucky can be, but he doesn’t want Bucky or anyone else getting hurt or in trouble due to this sticky Accords situation. Both selfish and selfless. I don’t even want to get into later in the film, but I guess I will. Guys, there’s no world, no universe, no place in time that Steve wouldn’t try to stop Zemo. Tony never even gave him the chance to explain himself. It was either, “Come with us or we fight.” Steve gathered that team together- not to fight Tony but to fight Zemo. It was never his intention to fight with Tony. He was just trying to stop Zemo. Now, when Tony learns about his parents’ death, anger is a valid emotion. Physically fighting and attacking Steve and Bucky to the point of death? Not valid or even remotely reasonable. It makes no sense as to why Tony would be that angry at Bucky- someone who was tortured and brainwashed to do what he did. Steve had his reasons for not telling Tony considering that when it comes to Steve Rogers, nothing and no one means more to him than Bucky. Of course, Steve was going to hide the truth from Tony in an effort to protect Tony, Bucky, and himself. Selfish yet selfless.

Infinity War gives us the glorious lines of “I’m not looking for forgiveness. And I’m way past asking permission. Earth just lost her best defender. So we’re here to fight. And if you wanna stand in our way, we’ll fight you too.” and “We don’t trade lives.” These lines beautifully sum up Steve’s rebelliousness and need to fight while also not risking others’ lives. He’ll always risk himself first. There’s not much to say about this film considering it’s mostly action and Steve shares the screen with just about every other superhero, so we’re not given a lot of time. But overall, the Russos kept that same Steve Rogers.

And then Endgame does a complete 180 and decides to serve us Joss Whedon’s Steve with a conservative, pro-military, unbelievably illogical twist. Steve’s obsession with Peggy in this film is so out of place. She would’ve died seven years prior in the MCU. Steve’s been living in the present with Natasha, Sam, Bucky, Wanda, Vision, and T’Challa. That was his family. He lost Sam, Bucky, Wanda, Vision, and T’Challa in the Infinity War. It only makes sense that he would be fighting for them in Endgame. Yet he’s not. We’re beat over the head about how much he misses Peggy and it’s so unbelievably weird. Steve is never allowed to mourn Sam and Bucky specifically despite the fact that they were his number one companions. He never mentions them. Never has a touching reunion with Bucky. Barely has any reaction to Natasha’s death. It’s disgusting honestly. This is not “I will fight to my death for the people I love” Steve Rogers. And the ending is the most pathetic of all. There’s no world, no universe, no place in time that Steve would willingly go almost a hundred years away from Bucky and Sam, somewhere he wouldn’t fight for others. “Pretending you could live without a war.” I mean, come on. He’s Steven Grant Rogers. It’s disgusting to paint him as this man who would throw away his friendships and a world that is being bullied all for some girl he kissed once and barely knew. No. No, no. Not my Steve Rogers.

I give the directors a little too much crap. I’m fully aware that a whole team of people make these movies, but you can’t deny that Steve changes from movie to movie depending on the director. Endgame is the exception in which the directors were the same, yet they diverged completely from their original interpretation of the character. I’ve heard people say that it had to be an anti-gay agenda- that ending Steve’s story with Bucky would’ve been too gay even if they weren’t romantically involved, but I still think that’s pathetic. Honestly, I would’ve rather seen Steve die than have his character trashed and pooped on like this. From a narrative perspective, what happened in Endgame is not okay. Marvel Studios’ treatment towards “sideline” characters like Natasha, Rhodey, Sam, and Bucky- particularly in Infinity War and Endgame- is not okay. Yeah, I’m aware I get too heated over this fictional universe. But the characters are the only reason I stick around. The stories are lackluster for me. I’ve never been one to watch movies for action sequences. But I’ve always been in love with Steve Rogers as a character- complicatedly riding the line of selflessness and selfishness, dedicating himself wholeheartedly to a cause and to the people he loves. When in the end that character was completely scrapped and shredded in the garbage disposal like crust on bread or the skin of an apple, I’m gonna be angry for a long time.

[sintheyokai]

No Father of Mine (Part 2)

[Part 1]

**for additional information, Arabella is originally French living with her found family in Mexico and she's multilingual. Translated French will be italicized and translated Spanish will be bolded, unless presumed otherwise. This is pre-Belphrelease.

Arabella is many things- an assassin, an actress, a spy, all of which require a mask she's worn since childhood. All of which, as she learned in her previous home, require a heart of stone. Because of this, Arabella does not see herself as kind, unworthy of praise where praise is due. Despite these thoughts, however, she is determined to pay off Mammon's debt, even if it means dragging in others to do so. While doing so, the topic of a name comes up, which brings along other, revealing topics.

"You got all that written down? It's a lot, I know, and your handwriting speed isn't exactly the fastest... You've been taking your medicine for that, right?" The demons watched as Arabella began pacing the room, on the phone with the third person so far.

"Still can't believe she's been hiding the fact she's multilingual." Asmodeus sighed, "I don't know about the rest of you, but I find it absolutely sexy when someone speaks in another language."

"Asmo, quiet." Satan ordered, "I can't hear her."

"Okay, okay... Yes I spoke with Charlotte, Ji-yoo and Bibi, they'll be... No! Goodness no, of course I didn't force them to give up more than necessary, the latter are planning their wedding for all sakes! Charlotte will be giving the same as I am giving, and the soon-to-be newlyweds are giving the same between the two of them, totaling to about 250 million. That leaves 750 million between the three of you. Can you handle it?"

There was silence for a bit longer before a small laugh left Arabella as she sat down on the ottoman.

"Okay... Thank you... I'll send my portion of money to you all and we can go from there. I love you too Abuelita... Tell Chime and Lilith I said hi... Bye."

Six spines straightened and tensed, eyes widening as she hung up.

"Lilith?" Beelzebub was the first to speak, Arabella's head snapping towards the brothers.

"Ah, yes. That's my sister. Not by blood, mind you, I was adopted into the family while she has been a part of it for a long time. She's an angel, you see."

Blood ran cold.

"Didn't you specifically say you weren't Christian?" Mammon asked, remembering an old conversation.

"I'm not. No one in my family is. Lilith used to be, but she decided to join us in Aztec worship."

"Isn't that really bloody and violent? I'd never take you for the type." Asmodeus failed to hide the frown that spread across his face.

"I wouldn't say so much as you think. Besides, I work in a profession where the deceased are common. And even without the bodies, we find the gods are seemingly content with sacrificed animals- the larger the better. Even so, regardless of sacrifice, when I call upon the gods of Aztec religion, they actually answer."

"I'm curious," Satan mused, "What lead you to worship nearly forgotten gods as opposed to the one a majority praises? And how did you get your supposed angel of a sister to join you?"

There was a still silence as Arabella slowly got up and approached the fireplace, staring into the golden flames that cracked and sparked on occasion.

"To answer your second question... I believe she realized she was abandoned."

She paused, and hearing no questions, she continued, fidgeting with her fingers.

"Lilith has very vague memories of her past, and the most prominent of them all is appearing amongst a small Aztec settlement, barely conscious, in a ray of light that slowly diminished. Most of the other memories she has are fleeting flashbacks of faces she says she cannot remember, but they all look familiar. 'I am above the clouds!' she would tell me, 'It's gorgeous, and yet... I feel as if I no longer belong.' Everyone in the family came to a mutual agreement," she turned back towards the brothers, all of them still in anticipation, "That wherever she had been before, this God she praised before she fell, it no longer loved her, He no longer loved her, and thus she needed to cut the painful memories of those places. She's been doing wonderfully so far too. She curses and despises the 'Almighty Father' she grew up with. She hates him immensely, as does my Abuelita, my brother-in-law, and me."

She sat down again, returning her attention to the fireplace, seeming to lose focus on all else around her.

"As for why we hate him, well... We do not respect the God of Christianity. We do not bow to a God the holds other by their necks and says 'Worship me, fear me, respect me, lest you be damned by my hand." She paused, hands fidgeting and grip tightening on her legs and notebook, "My brother in law is a literal demon. He does not respect God out of spite. My Abuelita had it taught in her from generations past, and does not agree with aspects of the bible. She knows things about Lilith that only we as a family know, things that only further our hatred. As for me... I have had things happen to me that I know now I did not deserve. A hell placed on me that I wasn't released from for years."

Her legs were now bleeding from the pressure of her nails digging deep into her skin.

"Where was He when I called? Why did I have to endure what I did for years when He is supposedly an all loving and caring God? Those I knew before do not deserve love. They do not deserve forgiveness. The new family I am a part of, however, showed me that the Aztec gods answer. They listen. They do not stand by and hold you by a chain- put you through a living hell while proclaiming that they love you. With each of our stories, each of our hardships and thoughts, we have each decided unanimously on one thing, one thing we still agree on to this day and will agree on forevermore."

She stood up again, this time approaching the window, seldom flinching with the blood dripping down her legs. When she reached the sill, she gripped it with such strength, such ferocity, it creaked and nearly bent from the force.

"If God is so willing to kill His children simply because of 'fate', so willing to watch the world burn and only cause little miracles that barely contribute to the main problem, He is no God. He's a tyrant grasping at the puppet strings of others to keep power." she turned to the eldest, her eyes dead and cold, a scowl etched into her features, "If God has no regrets about tossing his own son, his dearest Lucifer, out of Heaven for only feeding the curiosity of the humanity he formed in his image, and still refuses to forgive him? I do not want that God's praise upon my lips. He is no loving God. He is an abuser who, upon realizing he was losing his power, tossed his children out of their home and said 'Be damned, for you no longer blindly worship me.' I do not want that God's practice upon my lips. I refuse to worship an abuser. I refuse to simply please a tyrant. I would never call this God 'Father'..."

For He is no Father of mine.

************************

And with that, No Father of Mine is finished! I’m really happy with how this particular story came out, and I actually finished it for once! Please reblog if you can, I would really appreciate it, and if you can, tell me if you enjoyed this little tidbit I thought of at 3 in the morning after being awoken for no reason.

[oquinn53]

BNHA THEORY RAMBLING WITH SPOILERS

Okay so second bnha rambling with theories because I can’t think straight so I think of bnha! Specifically Deku.

Specifically, Deku’s endgame. There are so many theories out there and I just.... think about Deku specifically a lot. I mean he’s the protagonist and everything and I love him and a common theory that I actually do kinda think about a lot is Deku losing OFA. But I don’t think he’ll end quirkless. I think a lot of things need to happen but let’s start with me rambling about Deku’s characterization, how it can all be wrapped up in this:

Deku has PTSD. (This part is LONG and talks about masochism and mentions suicide and all that. Other points are shorter!) And I don’t mean post war arc or even post Bakugo’s kidnapping, if we want to go that far back. Deku has PTSD from the VERY start. This kid is a walking mental illness. Sources? Hi, I’m a Civilian With PTSD and I saw Deku at the beginning and I watched Deku’s horrible mental health deteriorate EVEN MORE than it started off as. This is really important to me, to state that he has it from the beginning, because I believe in the character growth and development. I might be talking out my ass but it’s fun so. Why do I say he starts out from it? Let’s look at symptoms.

A) hyperfixation, my old friend. Deku fixated hardcore on All Might and Heros in general. But he fixated specifically on All Might and he gets EMBARRASSED about it a lot. (Funny enough, the embarrassment of it is also a symptom of ADHD but I’m not as well versed in that). Hyperfixation is a very very common coping method.

B) His anxiety. Kinda self explanatory here. He’s a bully victim. He also has been literally classified as LESS. Quirkless. But also defenseless. Useless. We’ve heard that, his anxiety is there but it’s because of what DEFINES him. His self identity was born from what everyone else tells him. He’s a determined boy, but his sense of self is only wrapped up in what other people think—or specifically, what All Might thinks. Which blends a bit with...

C) A loss sense of identity. I talked about this a little bit he last part but Deku’s goal to become a hero is so tied to All Might that even when he gains the quirk, he has to have it beaten into him with warning of losing the use f his arms for him to realize he’s NOT All Might. But that’s still what he sees, even when he switches to using his legs more. He has no idea who he is. He just copies. He copies Bakugo’s moves again and again. And while it’s cool to see all the parallels and growth of Deku learning from others, there is a message of “making it his own” when Deku copies others again and again because he has no idea who HE is. He analyses like crazy because figuring out how other people do things is the only way he can figure out how HE can do things. Also, the whole language change because his image of victory is Bakugo? Literally his speech pattern isn’t his own, his every day one matching his mother’s.

D) repressed and heavily released emotion. He’s 0 or 100, both when he gets OFA and with his emotions. I mean. Feral!Deku. Do I need to say more? Yes, because I was to drive home how not okay Deku is from the very beginning. Boy cleans the beach and screams bloody murder. He has no idea what emotion to have and needs to let it out. Doesn’t matter he just did a shit ton of physical release, he has so much emotions that he doesn’t know what to do with. Just like Bakugo’s anger, Deku’s emotion usually comes out as his tears. Boy cries a lot but sometimes tears aren’t enough and Deku screams a LOT. Even his own excitement bursts out in bigger ways, with his mumbling and fact dropping (god, also slightly autistic coded maybe? Blurred lines with ADHD there, it again, not my area of expertise)

E) black and white thinking. He’s young, so that explains some of this but just like I mentioned above with the 0 or 100, he represents the mindset of civilians. He literally blinds himself at the very start to even what’s happening to HIMSELF. He sees hero and he sees villian and those are his two categories. Bakugo literally tells him to kill himself and Deku thinks about how that would negatively affect Bakugo. He doesn’t and never does see Bakugo as a villian for this. He sees “wow that wouldn’t be good for his Hero image” and because Deku sees Bakugo as a hero, everything has to fit into that. And while Deku has huge growth with this next part, he also originally viewed villains as just villains. He learned a LOT and while the society’s image becomes less black and white for him (because the whole manga revolves around the gray morality of it all) he still doesn’t see much gray area. It’s win or lose. With the sports festival, he literally won the race without his quirk. He got through the Calvary battle despite being a giant ass target. He placed in the top 8 (which he probably would have gotten higher on if his goal didn’t change) and despite accomplishing his goal with Todoroki, he broke down about not doing what All Might asked him despite gaining permanent scarring and a hell of a warning re his arms. But to point back at the beginning, this is reinforced with his entrance exam. Passing the written exam meant NOTHING because he did “””nothing””” in the practical.

F) last point, Deku’s a masochist. Obviously with the broken bones and things but I’m not even just talking about the physical damage he does to himself—which is, what, 95% of the time what he gets most of his wounds from? Anyway—I’m talking about his mindset. Masochism isn’t just the physical act of causing pain. It’s that mindset of deserving pain. The reasoning doesn’t matter. Deku only “betters” himself for the sake of giving more to others. He trains so hard, not for himself, but for others. On the outside it might seems like his goal of becoming a hero is his own but he sacrifices his body and dives into situations where he’s literally been warned he’s going to die and he just does it anyway. Eri’s Arc and him “changing the future” is what I’m referring to here and you could say “well he DID say he would change that future!” And okay, sure, but he was told Sir is never wrong. But he would rather rush into that future where he dies than take even a moment to think through his actions. But anyway, my point is him at the beginning so I specifically mean the training montage. Where he was ALREADY on a tough schedule that he knew would be difficult and he literally adjusted it and added MORE. Because, to circle back to other points because mental illness always overlaps points, he can only think of himself as 0 or 100, black and white, Able To Save or Failure. If he can’t be at 100 then he believes he deserves pain and causes it to himself. The only time he regrets his injuries is when it prevents him from giving MORE of himself to others. He learns his shoot style not because he doesn’t want to hurt himself but because he doesn’t want to become useless to others. He trains and loses sleep and puts his body through hell because he thinks of himself only as something for others. (I think wanting to save Shigaraki is a powerful moment not because it’s Pure Boy Deku but because it’a his own thinking, his OWN want, but.... it’s still not for him and will still cause him pain). And a last point on this, Heros Rising showed us that Deku is willing to give up his quirk and his dream to win and it showed us that while he believed he didn’t have any other choice, he was deeply disappointed in himself. Winning wasn’t enough. Hurting himself THAT MUCH wasn’t enough. He let All Migjt down and giving up his dreams, almost dying, becoming quirkless, all wasn’t enough to counteract the shame he held. Like god. Baby.

Other small observations or relevant commentary:

1) The doctor who told Deku he was quirkless is the same doctor who worked on Shigaraki. Same doctor who can perseve dead bodies. Same doctor who worked with AFO and all that. (See? Short! Will be relevant soon)

2) One for All is tied to All for One. OFA was literally created the moment a hand reached out to help. Can one even exist without the other?

3) Bakugo needs to apologize. Horikoshi has literally said in an interview post Heros Rising that Bakugo needs to apologize. Sacrificing his life to save Deku is NOT how you apologize to Deku. Deku will ask for a receipt on this type of apology. Return to sender. Unacceptable. So. Bakugo needs to apologize.

4) Deku’s dad isn’t in the picture yet. Hasn’t even been spoken of except for the fact we know his quirk is fire breathing and his name is Hisashi. Oh and he’s abroad. Oh and Horikoshi said he’ll be in the picture at some point. Given we’re in the final arc......... this might not be relevant at all to my theory because I have mixed thoughts on AFO being Deku’s dad but it would connect a few things in the theory.

SO. Finally, all of this together had me thinking about Deku’s characterization and what this (now with COMBAT related ptsd and not just civilian ptsd) means for his ending.

Like I said, I think he’s going to lose OFA. And I originally didn’t think so because Heros Rising showed his losing it and why would they do that again? The movie is canon. Horikoshi himself said so and was a huge part of the production of it. So they did that and wouldn’t do it again. Except.... Deku GAVE OFA away. Which is significant because it was his choice. And he had shame and we witnessed how much that hurt him, but we haven’t seen what’s now been tried TWICE: OFA being forcibly taken from him. Maybe by Shigaraki, since that is building up big time. But maybe by saving Shigaraki.

Either way, what’s more significant to me than how he has it taken is what that means for him, based on everything else above: he would lose his entire self identity. He would literally have no idea who he is anymore except for the only reference he’s ever had, which his from when he was quirkless. He gained friends only after he had a quirk. Every bond he has is tied to him being a hero and he was told it was impossible for him to be a hero without a quirk. Even All Might’s adjusted answer to him at the beginning involved giving him a quirk as the answer for him being able to become a hero.

I think this is the absolute perfect chance for Bakugo to say “since when did you need a quirk to be a hero”. And it doesn’t matter much what the context is, what causes Deku to still need to be a hero (whether a Situation or just an identity crisis) and I think about Quirkless Deku as a hero a lot, since that’s how he was originally written in the one shot before he was revamped for bnha.

But I don’t think Deku will end quirkless either because of who his doctor was. I think Deku had a quirk. I think the doctor stole it. Whether that’s because AFO is Deku’s dad and saw his quirk and knew he had to take it for some reason or whether it was independent and the doctor saw it and took it. The whole toe thing can be written off so easily that Deku could easily have had a quirk at some point.

And maybe, if AFO and OFA are cancelled out, the quirks that were stolen go back to their original owners. Meaning Deku gets his ORIGINAL quirk back.

As in, Deku gets his own identity.

And what would that quirk be? Hm. I don’t know. But. His mom can move small objects. His dad can breath fire. A mutation, maybe? I’ll leave that one up in the air.

And there are a lot of implications here that this could mean for him, as far as healing. And I just want him to be happy.

[friendly-neighborhood-kinnie]

5 Times Ladybug has to be held back by Chat and 1 time he doesn't do anything to stop her

A/N: That is a long title and that's not even what I wanted it to be called.

Summery: 5 times Chat Noir has to hold Ladybug back from decking a person after they called him just her sidekick and 1 time he doesn't try much to stop her.

Warning: Misogynist, misogynistic remarks, violence and mentions of blood

Hope you enjoy! It's after the cut!

(No One's POV)

Marinette was a sweet person, she was, she loved her partner dearly and after finding out they had fallen for each other twice that love had only grown. She was well aware people only thought of him as a sidekick but that didn't stop her from getting upset. That also didn't stop Adrien from trying to hold her back every. damn. time.

They loved each other and she swore if people didn't stop calling Chat her sidekick she was going to publicly tell the whole of Paris to 'Pray no one get akumatize because I'm out.' Thank god it never came to that...right?

1) Random blog runner

To say Clair was a cocky jerk was an understatement. All of her friends told her it wasn't a good idea to start a blog about Paris' two superhero's just to get more popular then the Ladyblog but she didn't care. She thought she could do it in less time. So here she was running over to where Ladybug was checking over Chat Noir because he had decided to be the idiot he was (At least according to Clair.) and sacrifice himself.

"Ladybug! How do you feel about your sidekick Chat Noir sacrificing himself stupidly again? Do you wish he would have stayed gone this time?" Clair asked as soon as she got over. Ladybug's head had popped up so quickly and she turned around to face her just as quickly. She had a look of anger in her eyes as she looked over Clair.

"What did you say? No-better yet what did you just call him?!" Ladybug exclaimed, she went to grab her yoyo but was immediately grabbed by Chat Noir who held her firmly in place.

"A sidekick, because that is all he is, you would honestly be a lot better without him and he knows it too!" Clair said with all the confidence of the biggest dumbass in the world.

"Oh- I will show you who's better without who you little-" Ladybug had grabbed her yoyo but was interrupted by her partner.

"Okay well it was nice chatting with you but unless you have a death wish, Bug and Cat out." With that Chat held a firm grip with his arm around her waist and his other hand extending his baton successfully launching them into the air. He landed them on a roof somewhere and gently said his partner down.

"A sidekick, she called you my fucking sidekick and then proceeded to ask if I wish you would have stayed gone?! Arg! I swear if I find that girl-" Ladybug was pacing and ranting when Chat Noir grabbed her waist and pulled her over to him.

"Bugaboo~ It's fine, and if you ever did find that girl you can't do anything without risking loosing Paris' trust. Besides I know I'm your partner, and I know you would never wish me gone and I know you love me. And I also know that I love you, so much." He kissed her forehead gently as he waited for her to respond.

"It's not fair. You are just as much of a hero as I am, besides you can't stop me forever from trying to deck someone."

"I suppose not, but I'll try for as long as possible."

2) Lila

Marinette and Adrien were happily sitting next to each other during lunch while there other friends...and Lila sat around them. They had begun discussing the topic of superhero's which had started Lila on her fountain of lies about knowing Ladybug.

"Oh yeah Ladybug tells me all her secrets, and she even told me that she hated working with Chat Noir and that he was really just some sidekick that she could use as bait to lure the Akumas for her plans." Lila smirked as there class milked in all of her words.

Marinette scoffed and went to stand up but felt an arm wrap around her waist and keep her in place. She turned to Adrien who pretended to be more interested in his food. Lila turned to look at her.

"Is there something you wanted to say Mari?" Lila asked faking innocence.

"Just that I think you are lying." Marinette gritted out.

"Why would you think that?" Lila pouted.

"Maybe because she has publicly said he wasn't her sidekick and if he was just a useless sidekick then he wouldn't be dying for her all the time, maybe because even though being a sidekick isn't a bad thing she obviously sees him as an equal, maybe because you have no-" Adrien picked her up with one arm wrapped around his waist and started walking away.

"Sorry guys she just gets so passionate about Chat Noir I'm going to take her for a walk before she starts yelling." He put on his best model smile and walked off.

3) An Akuma

Ladybug had just thrown her lucky charm and was trying to figure out how to use it while Chat went forward and fought the Akuma. She had figured it out quickly and told Chat the plan. they quickly defeated the akuma and broke the akumatize object. Ladybug walked over to grab her lucky charm while Chat went to console the victim.

"Miraculous Ladybug!" She threw the charm in the air and turned to go help her partner.

"Get away from me you measly sidekick, I only accept help from real heroes." The guy scoffed.

Ladybug began quickly walking over causing Chat to jump up and used on of his arms to pick her up and hold her against his chest and grab his Baton with the other and turned to the man.

"Have a good day sir." He launched them in the air and Ladybug let out a growl as she huffed and moved to hold onto him.

4) An interviewer

"I still don't understand why I agreed to this." she huffed out.

"Because it's good to let people know that while we are the heroes of Paris we're still human." Chat smiled over at her.

"Fine."

They walked in and quietly waved to the person who was interviewing them before taking a seat. They looked at each other and had a silent conversation. They nodded to each other and Chat held his hand out for her and she took it smiling slightly.

"Let's get started shall we?" The interviewer asked, they both nodded and he started asking questions.

after about an hour he got to his last question.

"Ladybug, how is it having a sidekick? Would you prefer working alone?"

"Sorry, I could have sworn you asked how it was to have a sidekick." Ladybug gave the guy a chance to say something different.

"Yes that is what I said."

"Chat I swear if you don't grab me right now I will jump this table." Ladybug replied getting up, Chat got up at the same time and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

"this was a fun interview but we should get going, bye!" They walked out of the building quickly.

"Bugaboo, we talked about this."

"I know I know, I just hate that people don't understand that you are my equal. Not my sidekick, not anything but my partner."

"I know bug, they'll get it one day."

5) Chat Noir

Adrien was honestly starting to believe everyone that believed he was a sidekick. He tried to push the feelings aside but he couldn't. He knew she always said she would never be better without him but he couldn't help but think otherwise. He sighed and got out of his desk chair. He quickly transformed and went to meet Ladybug at their spot.

"Kitty!" She ran over and hugged him

"Hello Bugaboo."

"How has your day been?" Ladybug asked smiling brightly at her partner

"It's fine how mad would you be if I started believing people when they call me your sidekick?"

"I would be very upset. But I would try and comfort you the best I can.”

“I’m starting to believe them…” Chat whispered. He held her tightly in place and buried his nose in her neck.

“It’s okay.” She whispered and held him tightly.

+1) Some misogynist,

They had just rescued yet another ungrateful akuma victim jerks.

“Back off sidekick!” The man shouted at Chat.

“No you back off you fuc-” Ladybug was saying but Chat Noir wrapped his arms around her waist and purred lightly. She sighed and nodded.

“Oh so the little ladyslut does have a master, which means she must know her place in the kitchen and shouldn’t be dancing around like a whore in spandex!” The man shouted at her.

“Chat immediately let her go and motioned for her to continue.

She decked the guy and gave him a bloody nose and she didn’t regret a thing.

A/N: I know the last part was short but my tumblr is being stupid and it’s 1 am so here is this1

Love You All!

-Dallas Marie

[juviaafullbuster]

Angst 5 - gruvia

Give me the angst

Okay, it turned out longer than I thought it would but: HERE IT IS! You really challenged me with this one, I have to admit.. 😅

Angst - Prompt Nr. 5:

"Forget it, you're a fucking asshole."

Juvia stood in front of the building, clutching her bag to her chest. It has been so long since she had last been there.

She wondered whether everything was still the same. Probably not. Taking a deep breath, she made her way inside, ready to face the people she called family.

The first thing she noticed was that the guild was still as loud and lively as it used to be. She found some unfamiliar faces in the crowd, most likely new members who had joined the guild over the time she was gone. It took her a while to find someone she knew. It was Mira who she recognized first. She was standing behind the bar, busy serving customers.

Juvia made her way over, trying to find more familiar faces in the crowd.

"Juvia?" It was Lisanna who approached her first. Juvia turned to her with a small smile. "Oh my God, it really is you! You're finally back!"

Juvia found herself enveloped in a tight hug. Soon after there were more people around her, all familiar and Juvia couldn't help but feel warm and welcome. Some things might not have changed after all. She greeted everyone warmly and tried to answer as many questions as she could but she was being overwhelmed. It wasn't until Master Makarov appeared that they all became quiet.

"Juvia, welcome back dear."

"Thank you, Master."

"From what I heard so far the mission was a success?"

"Yes, Juvia completed it a few days ago and has been on her way back here since."

"Well, congratulations. I'm very proud of you, my child."

Juvia smiled and thanked him. When she had first chosen to go on this mission, Master had refused her request. He had said that she was letting her emotions cloud her judgements and that she would regret taking on this mission. But Juvia was stubborn and kept insisting until he agreed with a heavy heart. Juvia knew that it wasn't a simple decision, she would be away for two years after all. But she had made her choice and she wouldn't go back on it. She needed to leave for a while, needed to get away and this mission made for a water mage was the perfect opportunity. So she had taken it and left with a heavy heart. But she was back now.

"Juvia.. you're back." She turned around and found Natsu, Lucy and Erza looking at her. Juvia gulped. If those three were here, that could only mean he was somewhere close to.

"Welcome back, Juvia. It has been so long." It was Erza who got out of her shocked state first and patted Juvia on the shoulder. "That was quite the mission you took on. We only got updates from master occasionally, but they weren't enough to keep our worries in bay."

"There was no need to be worried about Juvia. The mission was successful, there was nothing Juvia couldn't handle."

"I was sure about that. You're a strong mage after all."

"That didn't stop him from worrying."

There was an awkward silence followed after Natsus comment. Erza glared at him for being so blunt while Juvia visibly paled. He.. he had been worried about her? But why? For all she knew he didn't care about her after all. Suddenly Juvia just wanted to get out, get back to her place and hide under her covers. She was tired and there was so much she still had to do. Natsu however didn't seem to register that. Unbothered by Erzas glare, he continued talking.

"That was a really stupid move. You don't just abandon your family like that."

"Natsu.."

"Do you even realize what your leaving did to him? I never saw Gray like this, not once. You broke him!" He was talking calmly and yet Juvia could hear the anger hidden behind the facade. He kept going on about how she was wrong, selfish and unconsidering, ignoring the warnings from Lucy and Erza.

"You're really good at running from your problems, aren't you?"

Juvia snapped. She didn't mean to lash out at Natsu, he was just being a protective friend after all. But there was no way she would stand her and let him throw accusations at her. Because he was there back then. He had seen and heard what happened. Juvia didn't forget and she sure as hell, wouldn't let him forget either. Yes, she ran away from the problems, but what else was she supposed to do? She was tired of fighting and he was tired of her. It was the best she did for both of them.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare put it all on Juvia. Don't you dare paint Juvia the villain here. You were there. You heard it all. Would you have stayed?"

Natsu grew quiet. You could have cut the tension with a knife at this point. Everyone around them had become quiet but Juvia didn't notice. She was too engrossed in the moment. It took him a while, but Juvia saw his features soften before he pulled her into a hug.

"Look, I'm sorry. I know why you did what you did. I understand. It's just.. you leaving, it changed a lot. He's my best friend and I hate seeing him the way he was when you left. But you're also my friend and I'm glad to have you back."

Juvia felt the tears running down her cheeks. She tried to stop them, she really did. But she couldn't help it. There were just too many memories coming up, memories she had tried to erase.

TWO YEARS AGO

Fairy Tail was being attacked and they were slowly reaching their limits. Everyone was tired, outpowered and if they didn't find a way to stop them soon, there was little hope they would get out alive. Gray and Juvia had been fighting alongside each other all day and where reaching the guild hall where the leader of the attackers was hiding. They just needed to take him out and it would be over. When they arrived there, Natsu was already engaging in a fight with him.

To their dismay however, it didnt appear that he was getting anywhere near beating him. Gray and Juvia had joined him but it was still so hard. He had managed to knock out Natsu and Juvia was fighting consciousness while trying to lift herself up. There was only Gray left and he was desperate. He had to stop him before it was too late.

Next thing Juvia saw, was Gray in the Iced Sheel stance. He wouldn't.. would he? She called out to him, desperately trying to stop him, but he wasn't listening and she couldn't move, couldn't get up. The ice was starting to envelop him. Juvia kept calling out to him, kept begging for him to stop. But the temperature kept sinking and he kept going.

And then it all stopped.

Natsu had woken up and interfered. Had stopped him from using the spell that would cost him his life. Everything after that was a blur to Juvia because she lost conciousness, outpowered by her emotions.

When she woke up, the enemy was defeated and Gray was sitting next to her. Natsu was sitting not to far away, but had their backs turned to them, an attempt of giving them privacy. Juvia tried to get up but Gray just pushed her back down.

"You need to rest. The others will be here soon. Don't worry, it's over."

She wasn't having any of it. He had tried to sacrifice himself. Again. And she wouldn't just let that go.

"Why?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you use that spell?"

Silence. Then a sigh.

"I wanted to save you. Natsu. The guild."

"And sacrificing yourself is the answer?"

"We were running out of options."

"This is never an option. How can your life mean so little to you?"

Juvia put her hand on the spot that had a scar on it. The scar she got after she almost killed herself, a desperate attempt to save him. Back then, there wasn't another option. It was either him or her. But this, this was different.

"I sacrificed my life so you can live. And that's how you go ahead?"

"I never asked you to!"

"That's not the point."

"It is the point. I don't need you to save me, protect me or whatever. You're not my girlfriend, nor my family. You shouldn't care about me, don't you get that?"

"But I do care! And I will always care!"

"Stop. Stop it. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this."

"What is this? What is it you didn't ask for? Didn't want?"

"You, damn it! I didn't ask for you!"

It felt like Gray had stabbed her. His words had cut her deeper than any knife. Because Juvia was used to this. Used to being unwanted. She had been rejected all her life. And yet, it never hurt her as badly as it did when he rejected her. He had told her no before, ignored her advances. But this, this was different. Juvia forget about her wounds, the pain that had been inflicted on her during the battle. She got up, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were filling her eyes. Barely able to walk, she started limping out of the guild hall.

"Juvia.. wait."

"No, let me be."

"Juvia.. you're hurt."

"What do you care?"

"Juvia.."

"No. Don't talk to me that way. Don't pretend to care. It's over. I finally got your message. From now on, Juvia won't bother you anymore. You're free."

"Don't be ridiculous! Sit down and wait for Wendy so she can treat your wounds."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Juvia, stop being so stubborn!"

"You didn't want me, right? Juvia is only fulfilling your wish. So just let me go."

"I can't believe you."

Gray was looking  at her in disbelief. She had finally reached the guild door and flung it open. She turned to him, not sure how to say her final goodbye.

"Gray.."

"What, you're coming to your senses?"

"Nevermind, forget it.. you're a fucking asshole."

After that, Juvia had avoided going out until she found the requests she had later took on. Now that she thought about it, her final words to Gray haven't been her best. Juvia wasn't one to curse, wasn't one to throw around such words. She had called him a fucking asshole! The guy that she loved with all her heart.

Juvia freed herself from Natsus hug and excused herself. She really needed to go to her place and have some time for herself. She greeted a few more people before she made her way to Fairy Hills. Good thing that job earned her enough so she was able to pay the rent she owed for the past two years without an issue. She couldn't wait to be back in her room, in her cozy bed. The bed that was filled with letters as she noticed when she walked in. They were piling up, hundreds of them. Juvia wasn't one to get letters. She really didn't have anyone to write her letters in the first place. She dropped her bag and took one of the envelopes from the bed. Her name was written on every single hand, sometimes neater like the person took the time and sometimes a little sloppy, like they were in a hurry. It was clear however that they were all from the same person.

Juvia opened the envelop in her hand, only to drop it when she saw the name at the end of the letter. Gray. They were all from Gray. Had he been writing her letters all this time? But why.. he knew they wouldn't reach her, so why?

She spent the entire day reading them. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying. She found herself clutching every one to her heart. After she sorted them all after date, she took the first letter into her hand again, reading the words he had written for her two years ago.

Dear Juvia,

Master informed us about the mission you took today. When he first told me, I didn't believe him. I ran to Fairy Hills. But when I got there, all you're things were gone. I also saw that you got rid of your Gray dolls.. I should be happy about that considering they freak me out. But somehow I'm not. I really messed up this time, didn't I? I wanted to talk to you, apologize. But everytime I thought about what I had said, fear would overcome me, fear that it was really over, that you wouldn't forgive me. So I chickened out and said that I would do it the next day. I was an idiot and now I'm too late..

Master also informed us that there is no way to reach you. So I don't even know why I'm writing a letter in the first place. But I decided that I will write one everyday for you. So I can inform you about everything that's going on here. I know that I'm the reason that you left. And I don't want you to miss everything because of me. So I hope, that when you read those letters, you will feel like you never left. You're going to be very busy reading when you're back. And you will come back. I have to believe that. I can't lose you forever. Because what I said back then, it wasn't true. I was being stupid, believing that I would protect you if I pushed you away. I always mess up, don't I?

I really miss you Juvia.. you have only been gone for a day and I still miss you like it's been forever. I know I deserve it, but this is pure torture. I hate not being able to see you, talk to you, know how you're doing.

Please be safe out there and come back to me soon.

I'll be waiting for you. Because I love you. I truly love you Juvia and I always will. And you need to come back soon so I can tell you that in person. I promise to use this time to become a better man for you, so when you're back I can be good enough for you. Because you deserve the best and I'm not there yet. But I will get there. For you, I will do anything.

I love you, your Graysama.

When she put the letter down and looked up, she found Gray standing in her doorway, a look of disbelief on his face.

"You.. you're really back."

"Gray.."

"Natsu told me. But I.. I didn't believe him. But you're here. You're back."

"Gray.."

"I'm so sorry, Juvia. I'm truly so sorry. I didn't mean any of it, I never did. You're everything to me. I.. I don't.."

Gray kept rambling, nervously shifting and Juvia couldn't help but fall in love with him all over again. She had forgiven him already, the letters said more than she had ever expected. She believed him, believed him that he didnt mean it, that he loved her. Because he wouldn't have sat down every day, pouring his emotions in a letter, if he didn't.

"Graysama.."

He stopped talking. It had been so long since she called him like that. Juvia knew that too. She got up and walked towards him. Before he could react, she had put her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and kissing him softly. After a moment she felt him relax and kiss her back.

Yes, these past two years where torture for the both of them. But it was what they needed. And now, now they would be inseparable. Juvia was finally back home.

[shreddedleopard]

Twelve-million more reasons Historia and Levi are part of the Endgame. With Pictures.

You can read the first post I made on this here:

10 reasons it would make narrative sense for Levi and Historia’s character arcs to end together.

(This is the mega-evolved version.)

Okay, I’m going to put this out there now, and before you judge me, please just read the posts. You don’t have to agree. This is just an idea. But it makes a stupid amount of sense, at least to me. So here's your fair warning (and now I'm being bold): If you don’t want to potentially be spoiled, Do Not Read On.

Here’s the Theory:

Historia Reiss will give birth to a half-Ackerman child, and together with Levi, from the ashes and ruins of the world Eren destroyed, they will welcome the dawn of a new age for humanity, where Ymir’s curse and the power of the Titans is extinct.

I know. I sound like some crazy, Rivahisu nut. Granted, I am, but I’m not mad enough to make a claim like this without a shit-ton of evidence, because it’s such a damn twist it feels like it can’t be true. But just humour me.

Here’s the theory, then we’ll look at why it makes sense and how it might have been foreshadowed. Please note: I have less clue how this will tie in to Eremika endgame, so I haven’t mentioned this as much, but obviously that will be the other very important side of this coin.

10 months ago (In Japan, full term pregnancy is counted as 10 months), at the banquet celebrating completion of the new railroad, Levi and Historia, having had 3 and a bit years to bond over their shared experiences and become close, may have gotten carried away together and shared one night of being a bit more than friends. She’s well into her 18th year at this point, just to clear that up. This resulted in Historia getting pregnant. Okay just stay with me; I know. I know. I sound crazy. But hear me out. So this pregnancy, contrary to the belief of the MPs and rest of the damn world, was the complete opposite of planned. Historia tells Levi, and Levi immediately panics. Because, to steal Kenny’s famous line, Levi thinks to himself ‘I can’t be some kid’s dad.’

 Levi does what he always does best, and shuts down into business mode, telling Historia she will need to cover it up somehow. Historia does as he asks, probably reluctantly, because she really has developed very deep feelings for him during the timeskip, and finds some farm hand to take the blame, likely saying she made a silly mistake with some random and the father doesn’t want anything to do with the child, and so she needs a father for the child not to be illegitimate. Which is her worst nightmare, because of course, that’s what she was. Levi watches the exchange hidden in that famous hood, feeling very conflicted, because although he cares about her, he thinks it best if no one knows that it was him that got the Queen pregnant, and of course, he’s duty bound, with a vow to fulfil, so he has no time to be worrying about a family. (Silly Levi!) 

How ironic this conversation would be if this theory were true. Remember, Historia was completely willing to eat Zeke if needed. Instead, she got pregnant, unplanned, nothing to do with any plot or selfish wishes, just the result of a spontaneous act of love by two people who’ve grown to care for one another a lot. ANYWAY.

Because we know Levi actually has a good heart, he feels immensely guilty for all of this; he's just a product of his upbringing and thinks he doesn’t know the first thing about families, so it's better for all involved if he not be. See where this is going? The old cursed history repeating? Making the same mistakes as our parents? Plus, Levi is bound by his duty. He is incredibly important to the military still, and he cannot just abandon this for any of his own selfish wishes. He’s supposed to be the one to vanquish the beast titan. 

Cue ten months of Historia looking hella depressed and hopeless, and Levi being even more of an asshole than usual to everyone, and not really wanting to say too much at all, as well as making some terrible workplace decisions (lol) poor boy be distracted.

Look at his face 😭

Yes Levi. A month. Which means Historia is now due and you’re still stuck with beardy, without a solution and pretty soon no reason for the MPs not to turn the mother of your child into a Titan.

That’s what that face is. I thought he looked a bit weird first time I read these panels 🤔 He didn’t know about the wine. We see that later. Anyway, I keep getting distracted, stop. I’ll come back to this.

But fear not; Levi will have a choice to make. 

So this is where it gets a bit more iffy for me, because I'm not sure how it would work, so this could be a way off, BUT. I believe it will come to light that the combination of Royal and Ackerman genes will somehow cancel out a person’s ability to turn into a titan and connection through paths, thus making them truly ‘free.’

The founding titan has the ability to change Eldian physiology, according to what Zeke learned from professor Xavier. 

EDIT: Okay so here’s where I’ve had to tweak this a bit in light of there latest chapter. So we just had Zeke in PATHS. With none other than our second resident genius, and as proclaimed by Eren, the saviour of humanity: Armin. What do our boys have a conversation about? Reproduction and the importance of the small moments in life - it’s these little moments which matter, regardless of the desire or need to recreate. Interesting how both the leaf and baseball link back to what their ideas of ‘family’ became. If Historia and Levi were to be in the same scenario in PATHS, what would their items be? What truly means family to them both? 

Perhaps Armin and Zeke realise what is needed to lift the curse of the titans - maybe a blueprint for genes which can cancel out the connection to PATHS and the founder? If only they had a child with a new type of Royal-Ackerman DNA which might fit the bill ... 

Here’s Levi’s moment. He, with Historia, has created such a child - completely by accident, because of one of those ‘moments’ that both Armin and Zeke mention - moments that are simply just about enjoying what you have with no sense of how it might relate to anything bigger - a real rarity for both of them, considering their roles and constantly being asked to think about the good of humanity as a whole. What a beautiful irony, that in the moment they chose to be selfish and, to use freckled Ymir’s own words, really live for themselves, they set a chain reaction in motion that would ultimately save humanity. 

Where does this leave Eren and Mikasa? Good question. I believe Eren will die once the curse is removed, because tragically he is the character that has been forced to choose humanity over his own personal relationships. As Isayama has said before, Eren is a victim of the story. Mikasa will be the last thing he sees, hence the original dream at the start of the manga, where he wakes up crying. Something like this. But probably a lot better. Yeah.

Out of the ashes of the old world, a new one will be built, but through Historia’s kindness and love, and Levi’s guilt and understanding of what was sacrificed in the past, society will not repeat the same mistakes. The final panel could be Jean holding his child, perhaps with Mikasa, if she ever manages to get over losing Eren. That would be vague enough so that Isayama was able to show it to us already without spoiling much. Or maybe Jean’s dead and it’s not him at all. I don’t know. 😭

Right. Okay. So now you’re going, sweet story, but uh, there’s no way Levi could be the father. He’s so much older. Isayama wouldn't write a moment of romance like that. Not with him and Historia. YOU’RE JUST CRAZY.

Well this is where it get’s interesting. LET ME SHOW YOU. It’s foreshadowed literally everywhere. Right under our noses.

There is so much symbolism.

Dedicate your heart to what? has been Levi’s question recently. What are they all fighting for? What is he fighting for? How will he give meaning to his dead comrades sacrifices? Is killing Zeke really the extent of it? Is vengeance the true meaning of their sacrifices? Or is it something a lot more hopeful?

The answer is shown to us in the opening credits. And the ending credits. Several times. 

Levi says so himself - he keeps messing fulfilling the vow up - why? Why is he so worried about killing Zeke? 

Eren has the same questions to consider. Which PATH is the right one to take - revenge and violence with the rumbling, or love ... with Mikasa. We are literally shown what their choices will be in two virtually identically designed panels, which I’ll show you. Tragically, Eren’s choice is taken from him. He is a victim to the story - he must chose the path that saves humanity. Levi and Eren have been bound together through the theme of choices, and taking the ones which leave you with the least regrets, throughout this entire manga.

The upcoming anime episodes literally plot out the timeline of Levi and Historia’s changing attitude to one another, and then Historia’s pregnancy, it’s just so cleverly subtle. Isayama even tells us when/ during what event her child was probably conceived by just dropping dates in from other, seemingly unrelated plot lines.

Zeke gives pointed comments to Levi constantly - every other line of his is either a different jab at Levi about Historia’s pregnancy, a veiled question, or a reminder that he’s under the pressure of a 10 month time limit to do something about him, or Historia will have to eat him once she’s given birth. We start to see Levi unravel because of this, and make mistakes over and over.

It’s in official art. It’s in the soundtrack. Its in music videos. There’s interviews from Isayama that, when read in light of these ideas, suddenly take on a whole new meaning.

Isayama even trolls us. He’s laughing in our faces, the madman. Like, gotchu 🤣 suckers. While we’re all on Reddit and Twitter like, ‘Levi’s character has become so stagnated! He’s making such poor choices or not giving anything to the plot at all. All that’s left for him now is to give up and die! Be at peace, your story is over.’ OOF. Or, ‘Historia has just been forgotten! She’s become such a pointless character. Isayama just got bored with her and sidelined her.’

I’m going to try and write stuff up in the rough categories below, but these might change. I’ll link them when I’m done, and then pin this post. I’m a bit of a rambler so heads up - this may take a while 😅

There’s also a ton of people I have to mention who have contributed to this - I didn’t spot it by myself. I’ll tag them in the finished post too.

Historia and Levi’s Miscalculation: A manga tale featuring the Jaeger Bros., Pt. 1

Historia and Levi’s Miscalculation: A manga tale featuring the Jaeger Bros., Pt. 2

Historia and Levi’s Miscalculation: A manga tale featuring the Jaeger Bros., Pt. 3

Ackerman-Royal Bloodline and Levi’s Choice Pt. 1

Levi’s Choice Pt. 2

Suns, Moons and Songs

Akatsuki No Requiem - Right theory, Wrong guy

The Farmer and The Cattle Farming Goddess, or WHAT’S IN A NAME.

Mistakes of our parents and breaking the cycle

Memories from the future & Levi’s Guilt

Watch this space. And hold on to your pants. If I’m right, I’m getting very drunk.

[sepublic]

Reset Eda?

           So @kprapture brought up the idea of Eda being de-aged back to her pre-curse self, the typical antics she’d get into with Luz… And how Lilith might consider the idea of making this reversal, this reset, permanent- So Eda could live the curse-free life she properly deserved, with a support network of a wiser Lilith, Luz and King, a Hexside that would let her study multiple tracks, etc. And this idea is just messing me up, because…

           There are two ways to approach this. Option A, Reset Eda has no memories of her original life growing up, getting old from the curse, meeting Luz, etc. Option B, Reset Eda DOES retain those memories;

           Option A would be messed-up, because it wouldn’t just kill the Eda we know… It’d effectively wipe her out of existence. If there’s an afterlife for the Boiling Isles, which there probably is since the Oracle Coven exists, and we’ve already seen at least one ghost in this show… Then, I don’t see Eda choosing this option on her deathbed, because then she’d never move on to the afterlife, maybe never get to see her parents, and then catch up with her loved ones when THEY inevitably die…

           The thing about Eda, is- I think she doesn’t regret her life. She doesn’t regret the decisions she’s made, and ultimately she’s content where she’s ended up, especially since Luz and King are there. Having written about her in the past, I see Eda as someone who if given the chance to change it all, would have it remain the same; Yeah, her life isn’t ideal, but still. Eda owns what happened to her, she makes it her own, and I don’t think she’d want to let go of that, alongside her sense of identity…

           Now, there ARE better ways to learn the things that Eda, ways that are less painful and torturous. Whatever Eda learned from the curse, she could’ve easily learned without it- It’s why she’s so adamant as a teacher towards protecting Luz from the traumas that Eda herself endured… Because Eda knows that Luz can learn just the same things she did, without having to go through that pointless pain. And maybe some lessons just aren’t worth it, but what’s done is done so you may as well make the most of the knowledge you got. That trauma isn’t going away… Except in this scenario, it could.

           It’s kind of an ethical dilemma, and I could potentially imagine Eda maybe, just maybe, considering ‘sacrificing’ her entire existence up until this point, to pave the way for a better, happier Reset Eda… I’ve talked a lot about Eda being used to loss and trying to weaponize and make the most of it by turning into a sacrifice for the greater good, for someone else to benefit from her tragedies. Maybe Eda might see it this way- Giving up her life so some other kid, as this Reset Eda would be considered ‘different’ from her, can have a happy and better life…

           But the thing is; Eda’s life is saving, she knows this, an entire crowd knows this and protested against Belos over this indisputable reality. She doesn’t have to die, just to ‘save’ a life that neither exists, nor is meant to… Eda can invest that energy into other kids who already exist, or are intended to be by their would-be parents, and she certainly doesn’t have to DIE just to make life better for them! Eda can even invest that energy into making herselfhappier, her own life better… Yes, her time on this world has unfortunately been shortened thanks to the curse, but it’s still there and remaining, and Eda DID have plenty of time with it that she ultimately made the most of.

           I’ve written about it before, but I think that Eda would ultimately decide not to change a thing, she made it clear to Lilith that living as a wild witch would’ve happened even without the curse, and that was Eda’s intention as a child before she learned of the curse no less. And, I can see Reset Eda agreeing… Because if Reset Eda is presented with this reality, with Luz and King and Lilith explaining how she grows up with a curse, and the kind of life she lives… Well, we see how young Eda casually tosses aside the Coven System to her sister. She’s very much Go Big or Go Home, the kind of person who fully commits to her own actions and owns them, fully accepting what happens. I think Reset Eda would at least appreciate the perspective she’d get from her cursed life, and how it can be helpful towards vouching for that kind of thing to never exist for anyone else…

           Now, Reset Eda might hesitate about getting cursed- But if it’s to save and retain herself in a sense, her own actions and accomplishments, a life she made for herself and was proud of? I think Reset Eda would shrug, and ask Lilith and the others to bring it on, to bring her back to the present- Because she’s impatient to get to that point, I imagine Reset Eda would ‘miss’ her life as Eda the Owl Lady, sister to Lilith, surrogate mother to Luz and King, creator of Owlbert, begrudging acquaintance of Hooty, etc.

          Her cursed life wasn’t ideal, but there’s something good and irreplaceable to it, just as each and every person is unique in their own special way; And Reset Eda wouldn’t want to lose something that had existed and is at stake here, just for a life that never actually did. Even if her life was garbage, well- Eda is always someone who finds meaning and value from garbage, and even creates it when none is there, or disagrees with the purpose others originally intended anyway! She says how she feels about what she has in life, not others!

           Reset Eda might agree with her older self about getting that better life for other kids, like Luz, because that’s what Eda DID work on doing, and she made some decent success at this no less! Of course, I can imagine some initial angst and dilemma, as Reset Eda isn’t as wise as our Eda- So it might take her longer to reach this conclusion, or she’d be a bit more hesitant. But then again, Young/Reset Eda openly defied the Coven System to the Emperor’s Coven own face, publically… So she seems both proud and unapologetic about her choices, to the point of fully owning the consequences and trouble that come with them- Just like our Eda. We don’t know the exact differences between Young Eda and our Eda, but we know that there are a lot of fundamental similarities in ideals.

           Plus, I imagine that if Reset Eda were to be undone, and returned to the Eda we know… Well, she’d retain her memories of having been ‘reset’, as a young Eda who suddenly woke up surrounded by Luz and King and a much older Lilith, and got to know them and her own future before making the decision to keep it. It’d be sweet for Eda to reflect on what just happened and what she missed, to look at Luz and the others… And then smile and nod, remarking that she’s really missed this and definitely wouldn’t have given it up for anything. Besides, it’s not like she’d deprive Luz and the others of the Eda they know and love, she’s not going to do away with that Owl Lady, any time soon! Reset Eda would still ‘remain’, she just wouldn’t have lived out THAT life… In exchange for retaining her cursed one. Harsh, but she’s not losing anything that was ever actually, already there.

          And Reset Eda, the one we meet after the initial reversal, she’d still exist, she’d still live on in our Eda… The only thing she’d have lost was the potential of that new life, but would she really give up her past one for that? Young Eda couldn’t bear being at the top of a system that hurt and oppressed others… And while she may be apprehensive about getting cursed, it’s not like she has to relive it, just bring back the effects, and restore her old self. Like I said, Young Eda already planned to be a wild witch; I think she’d be fine with a curse, if it meant saving her old life and self in the process, VS sacrificing it entirely just to have no curse…

           …But, this gets us onto Option B; The idea of Reset Eda retaining her memories, in which case… She’s literally just OUR Eda, just with a heavy dosage of Youth Elixir and no curse. In which case, I can definitely see her being a lot more open to the idea… Maybe a bit hesitant, because she doesn’t want to outlive her sister, Lilith- But Lilith would definitely reassure Eda that the two will catch up in the afterlife anyway, when Eda herself has to inevitably kick the bucket, curse or no curse. I could see Eda having concerns about the logistics of being much younger, but in the end… I can legitimately imagine Eda accepting this option alongside the others. It’d be weird having the body of a very young kid with the mind of a fully-grown adult, and no doubt very awkward… It’d definitely make most romantic relationships a very touchy subject that’s probably to be avoided; But in the end, I think Eda’s already content with the familial bonds she has with the others.

           Eda would hate to have her youth restored, and be cured of the curse while watching Lilith bear it on her own… But I could see Lilith reassuring her that she already lived plenty of years without the curse, anyway. And she still has a support network, her worst guilt and sins would be alleviated almost entirely… I think Lilith would be very much fine, because she’s going to grow old and die either way. This way, however, she has Eda the whole way through- Because if we’re being brutally honest, regular Eda is probably going to die of old age before Lilith. So to Lilith, having her little sister, happy and living a new and better life, while still retaining her old one… Having THAT Eda by her deathbed, that’s much better than being without Edalyn entirely.

           Plus, maybe a youth-restored Eda could just… Douse an aging potion to match her biological age with her chronological one, if she really had reservations- Doing so would still leave out the curse, depending on how this reset works. And, who’s to say Eda won’t try to apply this spell to Lilith as well? Have them BOTH have their bodies reset but their memories and life retained… Of course, this option sounds extremely ideal, so I can see it not happening for this exact reason; As well as any other variation of Option B, for that matter.

           Lilith, however… This is Lilith we’re talking about here. I’ve talked about how she may have already learned some lessons, and is likely bound to do so before this Reset option occurs. If it were Option B, it’d probably go on without too much of a hitch… But Option A? In a scenario where Reset Eda decides that she wants to go back to her old, cursed life? I can see Lilith not only disagreeing, but… Maybe becoming SO adamant, that she refuses to undo the reversal, at any cost! Because to her, Eda’s lost potential, the life she deserved but never got; It’s her worst sin by far. It’s her worst guilt that killed and ate her up from the inside for decades, and it’d be SO easy, so relieving to just let it go, to just undo it… While STILL making things right, right?

           The thing about Lilith is that she’s willing to go lengths for Eda- Even go as far as threatening Eda’s own kid, Luz, just to cure her curse. Sure, she’d have made some character development by then and already has… But on the chance of actually curing Eda’s curse, AND saving her from all of that trauma and pain, getting her that life she never got- Something not even Belos could provide? That’s going to really complicate things, and I can see Lilith conveniently ignoring the reality that this option would kill our Eda, because… She really doesn’t want to dwell on the ethical dilemma of it all, she just wants an easy out and it’s so easy to relapse into this mistake, especially since it’s a much more understandable scenario for her.

           But, again- Lilith has learned to respect Eda’s decisions, and if she really retains and applies her lessons, then she’ll do so, even in this case where it seems like she could have it all… Because she DOES love our Eda, the one who grew up cursed, she does do so unconditionally- So it WOULD hurt her to sacrifice that Eda for a new, reset one… And that’s something Lilith is going to have to acknowledge. That this isn’t just her own loss she has to factor in, it’s Luz and King’s and the others’… On top of Eda herself being deleted and not exactly wanting that. Could Lilith bear to kill her own sister? Obviously not… And it’d be a painful and begrudging realization, a frustrating one that Lilith would so badly want to ignore, to set aside…

           But, she can’t- She knows it deep down, in her heart, and once it’s there, it’s there to stay, just like the curse… Once again, Lilith is going to have to be mature, because the LAST time she did something harmful to Eda, believing it was for her own good- It didn’t pan out. And the last time she harmed Eda just for her own selfish desires –the curse- that REALLY didn’t play out well… Lilith is no doubt going to be grappling with misguidance, a genuine desire to help Eda, her own selfish desire to alleviate her guilt, etc. She’s going to confuse how much of herself is doing this for Eda, or just for her own conscience… But when it becomes clear that Reset Eda wants to go back, Lilith is going to have to admit that once again, she’s being selfish and making Eda’s decisions for her.

           Especially with Luz and King to serve as pretty harsh reminders of what Lilith did, and force her to reflect on what she’s done in the past, to always remember that. Lilith is going to hate it, she’s going to hate herself the entire process through, and maybe feel even worse for letting this opportunity slip through her fingers… Having hope built up, only to be brought crashing down, harder than ever- But I imagine that once Lilith reunites with HER Eda, the one who grew old and cursed… She’s going to realize how much she missed her, and be glad she got her sister back. She might mourn the potential of Reset Eda, but that life never existed and wasn’t going to- And again, like Eda, Lilith can invest her energy and efforts into making lives better for other people… And Eda REALLY wants Luz to have it good, so…!

           Still- Imagine Lilith being so desperate, so drawn to the idea of erasing and relieving her past mistakes, believing that she’s helping Eda that she… Legit has to fight Luz and Reset Eda over bringing back OUR Eda- And maybe during the fight, we get to see Reset Eda’s prowess as a child, leading to Lilith reminding her that doesn’t it feel good to have full, unrestricted access to magic? Isn’t Eda glad she has it now, surely doesn’t want to LOSE this, does she…? Kind of a callback to Agony of a Witch, how Lilith goads and taunts Eda about the curse, as if to smugly remind Eda why she should join the Emperor’s Coven to be cured.

          Surely Eda has to see her point by now, obviously Eda can’t be in so much denial when the proof is right there in her face, because this fight makes it so obvious. In Agony of a Witch, the duel made it clear how much magic Eda has lost and is losing and it’s why she needs a cure- And now this time, the duel makes it clear to Reset Eda how much she has to lose, and what’s at stake for her. Either way, attention is drawn to Eda’s magical ability in that fight and how it’s doing, what she WILL lose should she not listen to Lilith, and how it must be preserved…

          And that’ll make Reset Eda hesitate, because she knows that she’ll lose that magic if she goes down the cursed path… And that might cause the most reservations about her choice- Up until she sees Luz fighting alongside her, sees how proficient Luz is with Glyphs… And then Reset Eda realizes she still learned bile-magic as an adult, and got the chance to start with glyphs as well! She’s even got Owlbert, so Eda won’t be entirely bile-less… Reset Eda would realize she’d lose magic, but Luz would show her that she doesn’t have to completely give up magic, just one form of it. And, yeah- Ideally, Reset Eda could grow up with access to bile magic AND glyphs. But again, considering who’s at stake here… Reset Eda would see it as simply not worth it, especially when her own self seemed pretty pleased about the outcome- And our Eda is a lot older, wiser, and more experienced… Our Eda managed to live her own life, help people and inspire them in a lot of ways, and taught Luz!

          Our Eda made Owlbert, established the Owl House, became reputed as an unstoppable criminal and one of the hottest witches around… I think Reset Eda would consider our Eda as someone worth looking up to, and emulating. It’s kind of funny- The idea of her looking to herself, the best version of herself, as a role model… Which I guess just echoes what the Oracle Sphere told Gus- That he’s always the best version of himself. Sometimes who you are and are bound to become is great enough as-is, and I think that’s a realization that Eda figured without any divination artifact… If Eda really is so sure of herself, then she can trust the decisions she’s made in the future- Especially since Reset Eda is already leaning heavily towards those beliefs herself!

          And Lilith… if Lilith realized that she needed to listen to Eda and trust her, back when they were kids AND when they were older… Then she’s going to have to stop. Because Our Eda and Reset Eda are making it obvious what she’s choosing, and Lilith needs to recognize that while she shouldn’t avoid helping others- Disregarding what people choose for themselves because she thinks it’s best for them, is something that has only caused others and herself pain in the past… It’s something Lilith deliberately tried to avoid for years, even, when she insisted on protecting Eda from the Emperor’s Coven, until the allure of Belos’ cure and his threats got to her. Does Lilith want to erase her progress, her lessons? Obviously there were better ways to learn such wisdom than from cursing her own sister…

          But in the end, what’s done is done. If her lessons and development truly stick, then she’ll finally learn to let go when she has every reason and desire, both selfish and altruistic, in the world not to. Because when she realizes she’s fighting her own sister again- Lilith is going to remember how Eda lost her magic because of this. She’s going to remember how much it breaks her heart to be at odds, that Reset Eda WILL hold this against her… And Lilith can’t just be content with losing her sister’s love under the hopes that Eda herself will fare better without her. Just like that fateful ‘duel’ when they were kids, Lilith will realize that she’s really only doing this for herself- And she’ll stop what she’s doing in remorse, because she can’t let history repeat itself in her attempts to undo it.

          This would just leave an even stronger impact on Reset/Our Eda when it’s all over… And this kind of respect towards Eda’s autonomy, this final concession of her choices, will really show to Eda that Lilith now truly understands her after all this time, and I think Lilith will have a new future to look forward to with her sister because of this. Eda DOES want to be with her sister, just on her own proper terms… So maybe Lilith can properly provide this happiness for once, and continue to do so! Don’t take it away like last time… Because Eda also cares for Lilith as well and knows she’ll be happier this way, and THAT makes Eda happy in her own way! It’s not hopeless, either- Lilith is sharing the curse, and they’ll do it together as always… Lilith may have hurt Eda in her attempts to be together, but that doesn’t mean separating the two will make them any better or happier- Not when years of loneliness has indicated otherwise.

           And I can just imagine Lilith and Luz having a heartfelt, teary goodbye to Reset Eda… Before she casually explains that she’ll still be around when she goes back to normal, she’s just giving up a life that never came back to be, to return to the one she always had! And as I said before… Reset Eda returns to normal, she opens her eyes, and proves that she remembered everything that happened then; And she appreciates how she can affirm her decisions in life, because when given the choice to undo them… Eda decided to keep going through with it, even knowing exactly what laid ahead of her- Maybe even precisely because of this, because look around her! That’s what she’s getting… Eda knows for sure that she wouldn’t change a thing, and it’ll just make her so much more proud and confident of who she is and what she does because of this!

[writing-frenzy]

I Wouldn’t Risk It (SVSSS Fic)

Summery: In which one annoyed Shang Huan does not know why he puts up with a certain Demonic Cultivator- “I owe you.” ah, that’s right.

Warning: some Violence and blood, and cursing. All good things to be found in svsss canon~

(In which @hamelin-born is a terrible, wonderful enabler, thus this is how it came about.)

EDIT: Part of Wager verse, first Part HERE

----

“Welcome to- oh wait it’s you.” Shang Huan started to greet some incoming customers, only to give the pair that came in a flat look instead.

“Greetings Uncle Shang!” Cao Mei, an actually adorable raven haired girl, her purple eyes so dark one could almost think they were black if it weren’t for certain lighting here and there. Puberty was obviously treating her well, seeing she must have been 19 at least, was developing some curves, her baby fat also finally melted off. But despite this, Shang Huan was unmoved, as for one, he wasn’t a fucking pedo, and two, he could easily see that same matching intelligence and calculation she inherited from her grandfather’s own dark purple eyes.

As expected of Wife #45; not only a knock out beauty in the making, but even had more IQ points then most, along with a more developed character and backstory then a lot of his later wife plots.

Though, he could admit he was taken off guard with her story then most; the cause of that being one certain person-

“I see the place hasn’t burnt down yet; congratulations for that.” was huffed by said anomaly, making Shang Huan focus his deadpan face on the other.

“Thanks, my kitchen staff is always trying though.” and no sooner were the words spoken, then what sounded like multiple firecrackers going off in said kitchen... He could even swear he saw what looked like a blue firework of a bird fly out from there, before one of his handy golems ate it as it passed...

Closing his eyes, Shang Huan counted to three, before opening them once more; he would never be able to count as high as he really wanted, but time was rarely on his side, so three it was. Hazel eyes once more opening, Shang Huan was able to look at a source of many headaches, one Dark Poison Sect Leader, Cao Xiaowen, a true doting grandfather who still looked like he was only in his late 20s, his blood red hair peppered with black from all the resentful energy surrounding him, and greys from stress of life actually catching up with him.

And a character that was never in Proud Immortal Demon Way, but yet again from one of his other stories; a Demonic Sect Leader that had just been a random background character, just to flesh out that world a bit more. He had only named because while he could get away without naming the Sect the guy made, it wouldn’t make sense to have Cao Xiaowen be nameless, seeing as he had bullshited a whole bunch of techniques this infamous and well known demonic cultivator was supposed to have made...

Making a face at that smiling face before him, Shang Huan felt some regrets; just some more to add to his pile stashed in his closet and under his floorboards, but what can one do? Especially with a story that seems to make sure he can never forget any of them, always seeming to push willing to push cheery, willful mistakes into his face.

i.e. the Demonic Sect Leader before him.

But then again, to see these two characters, Cao Xiaowen and Cao Mei connect here, in this living world of PIDW and other mash ups, was honestly rather amazing, just with Demonic Cultivation and the same last names... It was as fascinating as it was paranoia inducing. Cao Mei had been just another revenge wife plot, the young woman wanting vengeance against her Mother for killing her loved family members along with trying to kill her... as well as to save her young baby brother, who their Mother was trying to mold into her perfect image of Sect Leader. The girl had only been able to survive for as long as she did because one of her dying relatives had sacrificed themselves, turning themselves into her Spirit Familiar and protecting her...

.... And as for Cao Xiaowen, when he had mentioned how he went down in his end in his own story verse, Airplane had only said that it was due to betrayal and sacrifice, that being the only ending he gave the character...

(How many other fucking throwaway lines does he have to worry about ohmygodwhyisthishislife-)  

“...So, why do you choose now to darken my doorway?” Shang Huan asked, the unspoken ‘I-know-you-hate-this-place-much-less-willing-to-bring-your-beloved-granddaughter-with-you.’ not said, but easily heard.

“... You would be glad to know, but I must now introduce you to Sect Leader of the Dark Poison Sect, Cao Meihui.” Cao Xiaowen introduced as he motioned to the young girl. Shang Huan stared for but a moment before closing his eyes once more, even as whispers broke out all around them in his place, from the gambling tables to even the bar and restaurant.

This time he allowed himself to count to 10, as a treat.

“Follow me this way, Elder Cao, Sect Leader Cao.” and with a simple hand motion, a few of his workers already getting things done, the Ruby Room already to entertain his ‘guests’. It didn’t take to long after all, with his standards and staff precision, but he needed to make sure there was nothing to spy on in this conversation.

Because oh, does he have a lot to say right now.

Once the door was closed and all the silences spells and talismans in place, Shang Huan rounded on the now sitting pair, letting his hands slam on the service table before him.

“Can you not?!” Shang Huan seethed, even as Cao Xiaowen grinned, his heir now leader beside him shifting ever so slightly beside him, smartly making some space between them.

“Why, Shang Huan, what ever do you mean?”

“You politic in my place again and I will make sure to show the world just how much I can beat you into the ground.” was practically growled, Cao Xiaowen smartly raising his hands in surrender as he did. “Why the hell did you even need to do that, didn’t you already get the stalker bitch killed and dispersed last year? I distinctly remember being there for the mad ramblings.” 

-Urgh- he never wanted that much TMI into someone’s deluded sexual fantasies, especially rounding around this who-me? Demonic Cultivator! Body stealing and marrying the guy’s son just to get a possible chance at him, and then killing him and half his family when she still couldn’t get what she wanted to spite him?

Shang Huan doesn’t move, but that still doesn’t mean he’s not fighting a shiver of repulsion at the thought. Seeing the way Cao Xiaowen grimaced at the reminder, Shang Huan was actually starting to feel in a better mood. 

“While she and most of her supporters are now gone, traces of those who still hold sympathies for her and her ideals still remain.” the man scowled, even as he took out a small sachet, handing the small plain back over as he did.

Hmmm, spicy roasted melon seeds; say what you will about the man, he did know his bribes at least.

“They’re also trying to push my little didi to be the next Sect Leader, even though he never wanted it in the first place!” Cao Meihui scowled in turn, taking out a beautiful, yet still deadly battle fan to fan herself. “Really, he has suffered enough under that woman’s ‘care’, he should be able to choose however he wishes to live in life!”

Shang Huan doesn’t even wince at those words, even as he thinks on the poor fate of canon fodder Cao Yun, a young boy desperate to leave his harsh home circumstances, even joining a certain Righteous Sect set to be doomed and destroyed, loosing his home once again and setting him in turn on a doomed quest to stop Luo Binghe...

Well, considering the boy had left home at 15, and had only just turned that this year, maybe that path could be prevented; there were still plenty of other Sects still up and running when his protagonist came into power, maybe he could join one of those?

Still though, maybe he should give the kid a transportation talisman for his birthday; you can never have too many of those after all.

“That still does not explain why you had to announce Young Mei right in front of my store.”

“Please, it’s the perfect place too; not many completely neutral places around anymore, what with Hua Hua Palace trying to police everyone and dragging the other Righteous Sects into it... Speaking of which, they haven’t bothered you after last time, have they?” Cao Xiaowen asks, with what looks like could be actual concern in his eyes.... Ha-

“I’m pretty sure they won’t forget my warding anytime soon; not to mention the rest of the towns folk’s farewells.” Shang Huan replies dryly, remembering just how all those golden pricks were beautifully thrown from his store, some of his staff even joining in on the beatdown the protection brought forth. If he remembers right, it soon became a whole town wide event to run them all out. 

And when you have a whole town seemingly a melting pot filled with Spiritual beings, humans, and demons, they definitely are going to have their wounds to lick.

“But again, my place is, as you said Neutral; so why are you bringing in politics here? Announcements of a new Sect Leader should be only at official events or places that one is already allied with after all.” The Owner of the Gilded Plane asks lightly, those hazel eyes taking on a deadly touch, like molten liquid gold is taking over bronze, a sunset of colors being the last of the sky you will ever see, easily to see it all reflected in the blade at his side.

(Ah, how terrifying, seeing the threat of Fortune’s Favored all out to bare, Dujin Xue at his side, the spirit weapon willing and bloodthirsty to take out any threat to its master.)

For a moment, all is silent, before finally, the red haired cultivator takes from his sleeves, a few boxes simple in their decorations and yet obviously of the finest Jade.

“I almost forgot; I have with me some of the finest of Blight and Poison Talismans with me, not to mention my newest creations; a Pipa made with Blood Drain White Wood and using heart strings of an abyssal creature, painted with curse residue.” Cao Xiaowen motions to an opened box with said black and purple instrument with white accents, truly a work of art and power, even unbound as it is, no master to really work those deadly strings just yet.

Another box is soon opened as well, revealing a twin pair of daggers, their blades white with a beautiful red handle for a hilt. “Not to mention these Ancient Necromancer’s Bone Daggers, recently uncovered in an old tomb, plenty of resentful energy and dark desires just waiting to be unveiled in any upcoming battle, madness in but a cut to be delivered...” the former Sect Leader says, a bit of sweat coming from his brow, those dark eyes uneasy even as he hides behind his bluster and charm. His granddaughter, Cao Meihui watches intently, her own dark eyes worried even as she is awed by her beloved grandfather’s work, and the man who can make him so nervous. 

The one Fortune’s Favored watches and listens, and waits, even as he is showcased all the wares most people would die to get their hands on, each item worth more then most lives to some.

“... I will give you a warning and you will be Marked for it; there will be no next time if you try and pull this stunt again, you hear me Xiaowen?” Shang Huan allows, eyes turning back into that warm and soft hazel, even as he sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose as he does. Well, at least he now has more good things in store for his gambling patrons, who will no doubt go crazy for these goods.

(Never noticing how the familial pair relax, a breath of relief taken for their own that this gambit actually worked, even if they are now Marked by all the staff.

Best behavior is a must for now at least.) 

-----+----- 

~15 Years ago~

Cao Xiaowen, once just regular Cao Xiao, was a man most would never dare cross; as a Demonic Cultivator, you wouldn’t even be able to escape through death. He had cultivated carefully along his chosen path, having no talent for what was Righteous roads, so turned down to darker paths and alleys to get what he wanted. He had been smart about it, and equally talented for Demonic Cultivation, becoming a Bounty Hunter to be able to hide just what practices he used.

Not only did it get him much needed gold, but the resentful energy and blood of the wicked were quiet useful on his path. Unlike other Demonic Cultivators that sought to take in the energies as fast as possible to form their Obsidian Cores, killing innocents, and eventually needing Cauldrons in the end to balance themselves and to go farther in their Cultivation, Cao Xiaowen went for a more steadfast pace.

He first started with crafting items of Resentful energy, talismans and amulets to get a better feel for the delicacies of the energy he chose to work with. With time and effort, along with plenty of meditation and blood on his hands, he found a cultivation path that suited him rather well, untraditional as it was for the usual brutal force most Demonic Cultivators usually went. His path was like a slow acting poison, letting the wicked energies ever so carefully, ever so gently gather into his meridians, building up a steady foundation before he ever focused on building his Core.

And the results for it were astounding; when compared to traditional Demonic Cultivators, not only could Cao Xiaowen hold his own with those stages above his own, he could beat even those whose Cultivation that was said to be an entire level above him. Not to mention just how devastating his spells and attacks were against those of the Righteous Sects.

It was no surprise that when he founded his own Sect, he had plenty of disciples to chose and pick from...But he wasn’t stupid.

He knew he had plenty of enemies all around him, some just jealous of his power, others hateful of just how he got it, being a Demonic Cultivator was a sin for some even if he only went after criminals. That he was a rather attractive even as his red hair was peppered black and grey, and even a few tigers acting like pigs to be fatten all came for him in the end. He knows people were waiting in the shadows, eager to take him down and steal everything he worked for, salivating over his abilities and life work...

Though despite it all, he never expected the betrayal to come so close to home.

“P-papa.” was stuttered out by his honestly rather adorable Granddaughter, the young four year old sobbing as she reached for him; his daughter in law smiling all the while even as she held one of his crafted knives to the little girl’s throat. He had to give it to her, not many women could still look so devastatingly beautiful, covered as they were in their husband’s blood. He never expected the raven haired woman to be so ruthless, honestly sure the woman loved his son.

Looks like he still has errors in his judgement, even at his age; taken off guard on what he though would be a simple material gathering mission, only to be crippled and threatened by a woman he thought he could trust even as she slit his beloved child’s throat before his eyes.

“You really shouldn’t have refused me all those years ago; this all could have been avoided if you had just agreed to be mine... oh well, too late for regrets.” The woman mourns softly, making Cao Xiaowen feel his brow crinkle, dark eyes confused.

But trying to parse the words of the mad woman was not something he had time for, seeing as his lovely little granddaughter was suddenly in his arms, the both of them finding themselves being pushed off a cliff, and into the Broken Jaw Ravine.

Using what remained of his spiritual energy in his blighted Obsidian Core, Cao Xiaowen was fully prepared to become his dear granddaughter’s Familiar Spirit to protect her...

When in the end, it turned out unnecessary; they ended up landing in a Spirit Capture Net. And judging by the pure color and Qi he could feel running through it, a high quality one at that. Feeling how it blocked him from using any of his spiritual energy and Qi, he looked to his darling dear grandchild, the (forcibly) retired Sect Leader couldn’t help but feel so relieved to see her shaken, but well at least in body.

And then he heard the cursing.

“What in the fuck you soggy old vulture of a corpse! Curses on your fucking clothing to never be nice and pristine, to always stub your toe on the corner, to be miserable even when you have your favorite food! Do you know how long it took to make that net?! Could you have fallen somewhere else? No, of course the skies would decide to shit on me with some young man in my beautifully crafted net! Probably jumped off for the heck of it knowing how fucking dumb most Demonic Cultivators are! ARRRHGGGG YOU DAMN WALNUT!” was practically ranted below them, a young brunet man yelling up at him, who couldn’t be more then in his 20′s. (Though rather impressively at the Peak of Core Formation from what he could sense.)

As it was, two pairs of dark eyes could only give the ranting rouge a wide eyed stare, even when, in the end, the young man let them down, hazel eyes narrowed in on them. He raised one brow at his child that was with him, but easily narrowed them back onto Cao Xiaowen’s own.

Ah, he could probably sense his power (use his weakness).

“So, this is how it is going to go down. I’ll help heal you and your kid, won’t even leave her in debt... tho your ass is mine; I say jump, you better do it and ask if this is high enough. You will owe me till the end of your day and then some, and in return I will benevolently help you out. You agree or should I leave you and the kid here for any unpleasant fates?” was the rather grumpy, if smartly given offer, Cao Xiaowen finding he can’t help but respect it, even as crudely as it was put. Looking down to his innocent little Cao Mei, the grandfather could only nod at the offer, no other recourse that could ensure his little gem a better chance at life.

And thus marked the first meeting between the terrible and powerful Dark Poison Sect Leader Cao Xiaowen, and the Rogue Cultivator Shang Huan, who would one day have a title even greater then his own.

Amazing really, how some things start (and others end).

-----

:D Here we are, another story from this verse; it was really fun! (even if I actually had to create a damn timeline to make sure everything was straight TTxTT)

Anyways, here is an ally of Airplane! Their relationship can be described as.

Shang Huan: Why do I put up with you again?

Cao Xiaowen: Because I have the best gifts bitch. *Inwardly sweaty*

But Also-

Cao Xiaowen: So... Demonic Cultivating involves a lot of... Dual Cultivating huh... And are those innocents being brutally murdered over there?

Rando: Yeah, ain’t it great? :D

Cao Xiaowen: ... *proceeds to make a cultivation path that involves as little Dual Cultivation as needed while also being one of the nicest ironically* Ah, that is better, better get more wicked blood~

These two were really fun to write together, and with PIDW, I can make as many ocs as I want~ So much to do, so much to play with~

Oh yeah, Shang Hua’s blade, Dujin Xue means Gilded Blood :3

Cao I picked for being a common last name, while Xiaowen means red skies. Mei means red gem, but for Meihui I liked the meaning of monstrous/demonic beauty~ As you can see, I had fun~ 

[supernatural-love14]

Crossroad Demon

Summary: After a hunt goes wrong. You make a deal to bring back Sam, but to hold up your end of the deal, you have to become the one thing you hate the most. Will Dean and Sam be able to save you?

Chapter Summary: Finally catching up to Y/N, can the boys get her back and cure her before it’s too late

Warnings: Angst - Lots of angst.

Pairings: Eventual Dean x Female reader, Sam x Female reader (Platonic)

Word Count: 1322

SPOTIFY Chapter Music: Devil in Me by Halsey, Lose You to Love Me by Selena Gomez, Drowning by Radio Company, Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera 

SPOTIFY PLAYLIST 

Main Masterlist

Crossroad Demon Masterlist

← Part 3

Part 4 - You Can’t Change What’s Already Gone

“Hello boys.” Standing behind the boys, all I could think about was how I’ve been able to avoid them for the past five months. But now I had to deal with them. I can’t go back on my deal. This was all for Sam. 

“Y/N?!” Dean exclaimed as he and Sam turned around to face me. He was smiling, but that just confused me. Didn’t he hate me five months ago? How he didn’t want me to be around anymore? 

“Why are you here?” I ask in a monotone voice, my red eyes flashing at them.

“We’re here to help you Y/N! Come with us. We can cure you!”

“No. I don’t want to be cured.”

“No? Why not?”

“I made my choice Dean. Like you did all those months ago.”

“Y/N, you have to realise that I didn’t mean what I said back then, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. So please let us save you.” Practically begging with the tears that had started to form in his eyes. 

“Save it Dean. I know my place in the world and it certainly isn’t with you guys.” Sam is just standing there quietly watching me and Dean interact with one another, he finally looks up at me with those sad puppy eyes I’ve missed.

“Why’d you do it Y/N?” Sam asked, his voice cracking slightly at what you had become. “Why’d you make the deal?”

“You know why Sam.” 

“I didn’t want you to make a deal though. I never wanted anyone to sacrifice themselves for me. I told Dean to make sure that none of you would do this.” Sam explained, tears forming in his eyes. Seeing his best friend as a demon was horrible. 

“Look, just leave me alone. I’m happy as a demon. I’m good at it. This was just meant to be.” A part of you inside wanted to be cured, but the other part hated what Dean said to you all those months ago. If being a demon made him suffer, then that was all you would do. Make them believe that you don’t want to go back to being human. 

“You don’t mean that. You are meant to be with us. With me.” Dean started to say, a pained look formed on his face. Staring into your cold red demon eyes. He was barely holding it together, pretending it wasn’t a demon he was seeing in front of him. Only me. 

“Yes. I do mean that.” I started to say, no emotions on my face. “I’ve changed Dean. Being a demon is so much more fun. No emotions to hold on to. People to torture, to kill…”

“Stop it Y/N.” Instantly interrupting you, so he wouldn’t hear anymore. “Let us help you. I’ve been through this before, remember. You helped me, you and Sam wouldn’t stop until you cured me. So let me help you.” He said as he slowly inched closer and closer to you, until he was right in front of you. His green eye pouring into you with sadness and regret.

“I can’t.” 

“Why not Y/N?” Dean said quietly, his arm reaching out for yours.

“If I get cured, Sam will most likely go back to being dead. You don’t want that. And you will always choose your brother over me.” 

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is! That’s why we are here in the first place.” You practically shouted as you turned your back on them, your red demon eyes fading. You didn’t see their faces, you didn’t see them look at each other as they made up their minds. 

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Sam said, chucking something at Dean. You noticed too late as Dean handcuffed you to him with the demon handcuffs, all your demonic power gone instantly. 

“No! NO! What are you doing? Let me go!!” Screaming at them as you demon eyes came flying back, you bring out a knife to slash at Dean. But Sam was faster knocking it out of your hands before kicking it away as both the boys hold onto your arms. 

“Y/N! We are trying to help you.” Sam said as Dean pulled you into his arms, holding you tightly to him, your arms are trapped but it doesn’t stop you from kicking out. 

“Sam get the door open.” He said, as you headbutt him but Dean quickly recovers not letting you go. Sam rushed over to Baby, following Dean’s orders without a hitch before Dean forced you into the back seat with him. Practically fighting against Dean, the cuffs had made you weak which made Dean overpower you in minutes. Holding you tightly against him. “Y/N, stop…just stop.” But you never stopped. Your demon instincts telling you to fight, to get out of this. To kill them. 

“I will KILL all of you for this!” Dean could feel his heart breaking. How far you had fallen. All because of him. He couldn’t help but blame himself. Because if he didn’t blame himself then who was to blame. He put you on this path. It was his fault that you ended up leaving the bunker, making you believe that he didn’t want you around. 

With Sam speeding down the highway, you finally calm down. You weren’t happy about this but what could you do. You’ve been trying ever since they forced you into the car but nothing was working. Dean still had his arms wrapped around you, your back leaning into him as he held you tightly. His head rested on the top of yours and you were trying your best to not let your human side show. You were a demon now, no need for those feelings. 

Every so often you could hear Dean sigh, never knowing what for. But for Dean he was sighing in relief. He finally found you, after all this time. Just holding you in his arms had never felt better, even though you were a demon at the moment, but he was so close to getting you back fully. 

He was never letting you go ever again. The moment you were cured, he was going to tell you everything he had buried down deep. Everything he had kept away from you because he was afraid of losing you. But because he kept away from you he lost you entirely. 

The drive was so long from Wisconsin to Kansas, Sam was keeping an eye on Y/N through the mirror every so often just to make sure she wasn’t trying to kill Dean. A part of him was so happy that they had Y/N now. The team practically back together once they cured her. 

But the other part of him was sad, annoyed even. He was meant to die. And Y/N sacrificed herself for him. He never wanted her to do that for him. He was mad at Dean for driving Y/N away. He could see his brother inside out from the way he was holding her in the backseat. It was something that Dean was always terrible at hiding. Sam never said anything to Dean about it, maybe because he knew that Dean would hide his feelings as he always does. 

He know that his older brother has always had a thing for Y/N since she first joined them. Dean and Y/N weren’t as close not like Sam and her being best friends. But they still had a lot in common - music taste, food, movies. They should have gotten together so long ago but Dean’s idea of anybody that gets close to him - well us - will die. 

Sam prays that after Y/N is cured, Dean will finally make his move. But with the bunker in sight after hours of driving, Sam is afraid that Dean will use this whole thing as an excuse for them to not be together. 

← Part 3

→ Part 5

Authors Note: I literally had writers block with this series for months. I just didn’t know how to write this chapter. And I'm not too sure if I am happy with this chapter in general so this might be changed in the future. But I knew I needed to get back to writing this series because I'm not gonna leave a series unfinished. No matter how long it takes to write it and finish it. 

Forever Tags:

@peachyafshawn​ @vicmc624​ 

Crossroad Demon Tags:

@paryl​

[alexandermanes]

it’s you, it’s me, it’s us

listen i don’t know what this is but it wouldn’t leave me alone

this is about the aftermath of defeating chuck and still having to deal with Cas’s deal with the Empty. a character study on both parties in Deancas. Angst ahead. 

ao3

They did, they rescued the world from its own creator and now what?

At the moment they are all in separate rooms after celebrating their victory, each of them retreated to be in their own company. Sam in his room talking to Eileen excitedly over the phone, Jack watching cartoons in the library, Castiel sat on his bed and Dean drinking his prestigious whiskey straight from the bottle. Each of them absorbed in their own Universe. Though one thing loomed closer than before: Castiel and his deal with the Empty.

See, the thing about Dean and Cas is that they are in love.

Unbeknownst to them, of course, in the early stages they had mistaken sexual frustration with the non-sexual kind. Castiel, Angel of The Lord, once leader of battalions, soldier in a holy war arranged by God Himself morphed into a rebel so many years ago. The obedient servant of Heaven, now an outcast, tossed reality as he knew and perceived, no questions asked, into the bin for men. A single man. The one he lied his hands on in the shrieking pits of Hell, the one whose soul he caught a glimpse of in the midst of all the chaos and pain in the fiery pit; a soul so bright it brought him the reassurance he needed that so surely Heaven would win the apocalyptical war. The one he raised from perdition and whose body he assembled together anew. In all those years of acknowledging he chose the Winchesters over his angelic brothers and sisters, and above all, God he never realized the multitude of his actions, and to be fair neither did Sam and Dean, despite the fact that everyone around them had, in their own way, pointed out his sacrifices and his loyalty to the hunters. It didn’t exempt him of his falls, of his own mistakes; the omissions, secrecy and sometimes straight-up lies etc. There’s no denying that, at times, he did the Winchesters wrong but regardless of those times, there isn’t much he wouldn’t have done for Sam and Dean. Especially the older Winchester. He knows he wronged Dean but it’s clear in his mind that he would bleed himself dry a million times before he let anything happen to him. And isn’t that something? It could’ve been easily mistaken for brotherly love the way the admission of the lengths he would thread to keep Dean Winchester safe and sound comes out matter-of-factly, unyielding, without any doubt of his mouth. Though it isn’t brotherly love that permeates his and Dean’s relationship. Once he purposely stepped back into (literal) Purgatory because it meant Dean would be out in the world where he belonged to, perhaps not exactly unharmed, nevertheless, where he wanted to be, where he’d be in his brother’s arms once more. He fought monsters in Purgatory, Earth, Heaven, Hell and in other Universes; he fought demons, angels, Lucifer and God for Dean. All of it for one man, as Metatron once said. In all his years beside the two men he never regretted once siding with them. And now everything seemed a bit hazy, perhaps lost behind the veil of passage of time, it seems all wasted. It isn’t as though he repents sacrificing so much, he doesn’t, but he wishes he had more time.

And Dean?

Well, he will burn Heaven and Earth and everyone that stands in between him and his angel. Fairness, despite being regarded once as “the righteous man”, isn’t his strongest suit in relation to the angel. He should’ve thanked him more, complained less. He should’ve savored those small moments of joy with him, the way he had become as human as the sparkle in his eyes when he saw something or someone he loved so completely as he loved Jack, for instance, the way his Nephilim child brought the best and worst out of him (to others, of course). He should’ve asked him to stay, he should’ve fought harder, he should’ve been less prideful, less angry.

He should’ve said he loved him.

Absorbed in should haves and should have nots, he realizes having Cas by his side is a merry go round. It always is, the loss and revival, the never-ending cycle and in all those times he watched his decay he promised to do better, be better in case the angel came back, if he ever did, though he never was. He was never enough and neither were his exhausted efforts. Every time Cas died something in him chipped away and each time the loss ached gravely, he wonders now when the clock will run out, when he finally will be out of chances to do better by his angel. He wonders when the last final time comes what will he do? What can he do? Besides turn into ruble evidently. He wonders if one his worst nightmares ever come into fruition who will he become? A shell of man, hollow and sterile? A broken man who can be saved? Is he even worth saving? Was he ever worthy of salvation? Unlikely, yet here he is all thanks to Castiel. Will he ever be able to return all of what his friend has done for him? Will he ever atone his past mistakes?

Images of Cas beaten down by Dean’s own hands flashes behind his eyes, images of the sorrow Dean’s words etched into Castiel’s face, images of his deaths... they all fall on him. All of them. Maybe if he corrupted another angel maybe he wouldn’t have messed up Castiel’s story the way he did. But did he ever have a choice? Did Cas? Perhaps not. But here’s what he knows: he has to atone for his mistakes, he has to, he has to like the whiskey he downed in a single movement burned his throat, he needs to like he needs the oxygen cursing through his veins and he will fight like hell to do so. And he will succeed, so help him, he will. The Empty can fuck off, he thinks bitterly. He will save Cas and fuck justifying his future actions because “the world is a better place when Castiel is around” or because “he is family”. The world can suck his dick for all he cares, he’s done saving it, he needs his angel, he needs him badly. The world owes him to be selfish and fight for one person like Cas did time and time again. He will be damned if he lets anyone, even an ominous and powerful entity, pry his angel out of his hands. And when he finally has the Angel safe and in no imminent danger of being killed or taken away he will finally be the man he deserves. And if that sounds ambiguous, well, it ain’t Dean’s problem.

 So here, Dean in the kitchen silently cursing the world for trying to rip Castiel away from him yet again, and the angel, subsequently coming, to the realization he is in love and has been in love with the infamous hunter for over a decade, they had never been so close, yet so far apart.