#respecting my time it's also like why do you have no self respect. this is humiliating for you.
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Everyone thank @harvestandhearth for this ^^
Heads up, i’m going with intersex danny as ectoplasm exposure and presumed afab until he was able to clarify which gender he was (toddler) and chose his own name as Danny for this. Tim is still a nicu baby, and the two were presumed fraternal twins until a lot later.
And possible trigger warning, while not in Danny’s POV talking about what vlad did with the clones does trigger an episode to a degree, but this is all third POV with it being others’ observing Danny trying to ground himself after a stressor triggered something.
And as a personal headcannon, since Danny can turn parts of himself intangible, a nervous stim for him when he cant remove himself and go where he feels safe is to pull at his arteries or nerves—never managing it but passing through them as a target is soothing as its a tiny challenge, repetitive, and doesn’t hurt him but he can feel it happening so it helps ground himself after a trigger.
Timothy Jackson Drake nee Fenton pt2
Cyborg had two options with the news Red Robin and Phantom were twins: update the League files and let the paranoid bastards monitoring them find out that way, or telling them.
He did have a front row seat to the Dick and Kori’s disaster era many of them blame Dick for.
He updates Phantom and Red Robin’s files, links them as “twins raised apart geographically, and very attached emotionally” and let the cards fall where they may.
If Dick wanted to bring drama to the titans way back when, he can discover batfam drama on bis own time and away from Cyborg this time.
—
Tim was getting ready for patrol after his Call with Jazz and Dani. Danny crashed his pre-patrol routine to looking over possible redesigns from ghost fashionistas on a call.
The hooded cloak concept is popular and growing on Tim.
Apparently giving him a dragon as his callsign was also popular.
He was liking some of redesigns as different birds. Rook’s and Cardinal having a functional glider built in. Someone with the call mabychan didnt go too far off his current look, and it was possible to add the flight functions. The aesthetic addition of gold or yellow onto the suit proper rather than just his gear was interesting enough to explore later.
Danny continued to advocate for Tim playing with ecto-infused tech to be less trackable and was ignoring the very fact ecto signatures are very trackable and are transferable to people.
He was debating the winged cape-hood combo when his work phone kept going off.
“So, cutting this early again?”
“They can wait. Now, do you think maby could mix the hood and wing cape into her design? Like, my hair is wrong but it’s not far off from what i was going for, i think these two,” Tim grabbed his favorite Rook and Cardinal designs and lifted them to show Danny, “are a good reference for how i want the glider part to work.”
“I’ll contact her and see what she says,” Danny raised an eyebrow as his work phone began to flash red as it kept going off. “You gonna answer that or…”
“They’ll live, i’m not on the clock yet, and they interrupted my cases so many times this week with these stupid team building exercises. Like, hoe, i have a life outside of my two jobs, shut the fuck up and let me live!”
“You sure they aren’t a johnny-skulker hybrid?”
“Positive. They don’t hunt me for my pelt. Most of the time—Hood and mini Robin might if they have a mental break again.”
“Why have i not kidnapped you home sooner?”
“You respect my boundaries and are eviler for doing so.”
“Clearly, my evil-self solo-ed the Justice League and affiliates.”
“I’m still certain if i was alive, i would have beat evil you’s ass.”
“Dipshit, i would not have gone evil i would be a shaky chihuahua following your ass everywhere if any of my idiots didnt die in that accident.”
“Fair. So, i get Val, Anita, bart, Kon will try but he may run late with chores at the Kent’s, Cassie is coming, and against the odds you get to face an olympic archer too!”
“Oh my god, you guys could stand a chance if Dad’s aim doesn’t obliterate your points. How did you get Cissie to agree?”
“I told her Greta’s on your team and reminded her they were still tied for who was winning a bet way back when. Then called her a dick for deserting us in our time of need.”
“At least i don’t have to worry Slobo.”
“He’s on kiddo duty while we play.”
“So strategic sabotage.”
“You know me so well.”
“Evil, evil bastard brother!”
“Don’t talk about our mom like that.”
“I was talking about Aunt Janet.”
“Never mind, carry on.”
“Nah, but your phone is annoying me so—“ Danny shifted and Phantom burst out of his screen. “Ancients that sucked!”
Tim rolled his eyes as Danny bemoaned his latest fire walls.
“Use real fire ants next time, Ancients Damnit!”
“No.”
Danny snagged his phone as he reloaded his smoke pellets. “Now what does—holy shit. Did you not tell them you’re co-workers?”
“It was obvious—why do they think I turned down the family dinner invites unless Steph was there? I need bestie backup to handle their shit off hours.”
“Oh my god, you didn’t. They think you’re a Bat when you’re a fucking Fenton. Holy shit!”
“I never hid it,” Tim defended, “They’re detectives, they dan detect.”
Danny began wheezing, curled around the phone and cackling.
“…did B send anything yet?”
Danny shakily passed the phone. Tim ignored the group chat and looked to his private one with Bruce and Alfred.
“Cave. Now.”
“I was unaware of your living relatives Master Timothy. Do invite them over, we have much to discuss. From, Alfred Pennyworth”
Tim groaned, moving to put the last of gear in place.
“I was invited by your co-parent, I’m coming.”
“Chaos gremlin.” He waved Danny to follow him into the elevator, away from his (relatively) civilian quarters.
“You say that like you aren’t one too.”
“I hide it better, when it matters,” Tim shrugged. “Blame Aunt Janet’s social chameleon lessons.”
“Deceiver of all,” Danny narrated with the utmost dramatics as they exited the elevator. “be evil with your whole chest or be the Good Twin!”
“Fuck that. Now get your ass in gear, you’re riding Bitch.”
“Hey, if guys at school are going to keep calling me Fentonia, I believe I can say you gotta stop calling it that. Clearly I’m the tagalong and a snack.”
“Nope,” Tim readied Red Bird. “You smell like a bitch and look like shit. Why Val likes you, the world may never know.”
“Fuck you. And we share a face!” Danny got on behind him, ignoring the offered helmet.
“I wear it better and dont have baby fat. Safety first lab accident.”
“You look like that brainless dipshit from Oz, but boned,” Danny snapped as he put on the helmet and waiting for Tim to go.
“At least when I crossdress, it’s not a question of which gender I’m presenting as,” Tim grumbled as they sped out.
“Eat a cock, you know they thought i was a girl for a year.”
“I mean—“ Tim took a sharp turn out of the garage and merged into Gotham’s traffic .
“Abort, no sex stories from my twin this early—.”
“It’s 9 at night mostly ghostly.”
“—And did you forget i ate your fraternal twin in the womb and we became identical in a case of severe Gray’s Anatomy BS?”
“Look, the Nicu was A Lot, and with how much medical mystery shit our family has going on, can you blame me?”
“Yep. Medical mystery, magical mystery, family curse and Fenton Luck must be kept
Separate big brother, or are you getting sennial in your old age?”
“Fuck off.”
“And once again, your 9 pm is my 4 am. I’m a witching hour girlie, Reddicus Robininous.” Danny snarked as they sped outside of Gotham City proper into the Rich Bitch greenery and woods.
“I blame Pix,” Tim groaned.
“Beanie taught me that!”
“But Pix taught you to say it.”
“She did, she did.”
The ride to the Cave was quiet, Danny frowning at the lack of stars.
“Leave it.”
“But i can probably pull it out of the atmosphere.”
“And put it where?”
“… my chest?”
“Nope, no self experimentation without scientist supervision.”
“Don’t you count?”
“I am a detective, combatant, chemist and hacker. I am not a scientist.”
“Sounds fake.”
“You’re fake.”
“I’m ghostly, and a member of the cloned kids club.”
“You ate my twin in the womb.”
“So i get to be evil!”
“No. I’m evil; I’m a ceo and help a lot of coverups as a vigilante for other vigilantes and a handful of anti-heroes.”
“Evil me took out your not-son and his friends!” Danny argued.
“Please, three separate evil me’s managed that, and came back to gloat.”
“Well, those three ceased to exist or evil last i checked. My evil me’s in therapy and still murdery.”
“I know—how’s Dan doing and are we going with older brother cover or cousin like Dani?”
“His call, and he’s… unpacking still.”
“Eh-hem,” Alfred interrupted as Tim parked Red Bird. “I believe we need to have a family meeting are your other family members joining, excusing this Dan?”
“No, they don’t know this is happening,” Tim answered.
“That,” Danny looked around at the… trophy wing(?) of the cave. “Aannnd Jazz would enjoy psychoanalyzing you all too much. So, is this a ‘check all the info for verification cautionary tale’ or something else?” He asked as he turned his attention back to the bat-butler. Batler(?)
“Something else, Master Daniel.”
“Just Danny. I chose it, I get to keep it in all contexts.”
Alfred moved to open his mouth.
“Only one to not call him that made him an unwilling teen parent,” Tim interjected before Alfred could start up on formalities.
Alfred narrowed his eyes. “Has this individual been taken care of?”
Tim and Danny shared a look. “Working on it,” Tim answered, rubbing the inside of Danny wrist before he could start tugging his arteries or nerves as a stress stim.
Alfred looked between them. “Anything else i should be aware of Master Danny?”
“Just keep toast away from me, and I’m not a solid foods person—can do solid food in shake form just uh, jaw tends to freeze and lock at random since my powers came in.”
Alfred hummed in response to that. “Soft solids are acceptable, yes?”
Danny slowly nodded his head, and moved his hand to the thermos on his hip.
Tim squarely kept Danny on the side he could better block the cameras from as they followed Alfred up.
“I made a batch of chocolate salted caramel chip oatmeal cookies. I will bring you a more drinkable version of the batter with a strawberry smoothie on the side. Master Tim, your usual will be beside your serving.”
Tim grunted in response, checking his phone and keeping a steady hand on his twin’s pulse. Which was far too fast for Danny’s normal… trying to appease Tim’s co-workers by masking the liminality, or stress response to casually outing himself or to Tim dropping the Vlad forced cloning thing (Tim’s helped him with so, so many nightmares of watching his clones die. The fact one was identical to Rim didn’t help. Tim being present and alive did).
Danny smiled at him. Mask smile—so hiding Phantom’s impact or ignoring the trauma trigger he pulled. Yep, Tim is winning the evil twin contest for the wrong reasons again.
Alfred turned to see Tim analyzing his twin, who was more flushed in his face than before… he’d have to inform the Wayne clan to gentle their interrogation regarding Master Danny’s existence. Master Tim’s explanation helped explain the name situation, however it could have been done without triggering the poor boy. Had Master Tim given him a moment, he would have found the explanation unnecessary.
The twins stalled at the threshold of the meeting room.
Tim waved at Stephanie, Cass and Barbra sitting in the same general area together as he moved further in front of Danny and switched which hand was grounding him and monitoring his pulse. Stephanie was gleeful to say the least, Cass unfazed and Barbra giving him a too knowing wave back.
Dick was sitting between Damian and Bruce, the three dissecting every move Tim and Danny made. Tim made sure to shield him as much as he could from the imminent psychological warfare Bruce was planning. Damian would likely aim for any potential insecurity once he got too aggravated with everything, and was likely to say something that could set off Danny. He only really went through his firewalls instead of waiting for Tim to let him in when he was having a particularly nasty day and needed some twin time.
Tim couldn’t fathom what Dick’s plan was. The one he saw as his found older brother would laugh at him managing to fool everyone one on a loophole and tell him how to further the ruse. But the one who took up the cowl was different from the brother that mentored him and helped with everything from girls, leading a team and homework.
Duke and Jason were to the side. Jason looked morbidly amused while Duke seemed curious, so no worries on that end for Danny. Operation: ‘air out Batcorp’s laundry if they start shit’ was a go.
—
Okay next round i will want an idea of how you want batfam members to respond to the fact Tim ‘hid’ his family from them—as that’s how these chuckleheads are entering this meeting.
Tim’s got receipts and Danny is there mostly to divide Tim’s attention and watch the show.
Tim Drake’s Coworkers (ft. The Fenton Family)
It’s not that Tim doesn’t like the Batfamily. He tolerates them just fine. Damian is great for sparring (if you like sparring with a tiny murder machine), and Jason’s brand of dark humor isn’t too bad once you get used to it. Dick’s a bit too much sometimes, but overall? Fine. Totally fine.
But the thing is… they’re just his coworkers.
And it never really clicks for the Bats until Danny Phantom joins the Justice League and everything starts unraveling.
———
The revelation comes during a League meeting. They’re strategizing about some ghost-related chaos, and Danny floats into the Watchtower, bright and glowing.
“Oh, hey, Tim,” Danny greets casually, giving him a little wave.
Tim doesn’t even look up from his tablet. “Sup.”
Superman looks between them, confused. “…you two know each other?”
Danny grins. “yeah, he’s my brother.”
Dead silence.
“WHAT?!” Bruce’s bellow shakes the entire room.
Tim finally looks up, unfazed. “What? Did you think I just spawned into existence?”
“You have a brother?!” Clark sputters.
“Two siblings, actually,” Tim corrects, utterly nonchalant. “Danny’s the younger one. Jazz is the older one. She’s great. Super organized. Kept me alive in middle school.”
Bruce’s eye twitches. “Why—why am I only learning this now?”
Tim shrugs. “It didn’t seem relevant.”
“Relevant?” Diana repeats, incredulous. “You’re the brother of Danny Phantom and it’s not relevant?”
Danny, who’s been munching on some ectoplasm candy, jumps in: “Honestly, Tim’s always been kind of private about his personal life. We just figured it was his way of coping with the whole ‘raised-by-rich-neglectful-aunt’ thing.”
“Yeah, about that,” Tim interjects, glaring at Danny. “Thanks so much for dumping me with Aunt Janet, by the way.”
Danny shrugs sheepishly. “Mom and Dad panicked! They thought you’d get ghost-napped next!”
“Uh, correction: Aunt Janet left me to raise myself, so that plan was awesome.”
Bruce, trying to keep up, interrupts: “Hold on. Your parents left you with Janet Drake?”
“They didn’t know she sucked at raising kids,” Tim deadpans. “And to be fair, they did call. A lot. I just didn’t pick up.”
Jason, who has been cackling this entire time, leans forward. “Wait, wait, wait—so you’re telling me that the Replacement’s entire family is a bunch of ghost hunters?”
“Yup.” Danny pops the “p” with a grin.
“You’re kidding me,” Steph says, borderline hysterical.
Tim sighs, clearly over it. “Look, it’s not a big deal. Jazz keeps the parents in check, Danny handles the ghost stuff, and I… stay out of the way. It’s fine.”
“FINE?” Damian glares. “Drake, you’ve been fraternizing with ghost hunters while working with a vigilante group, and you think that’s fine?”
Tim raises an eyebrow. “Dami, chill. It’s not like it affects work. You’re my coworkers. They’re my family. Separate categories.”
Cue collective Batfamily malfunction.
———
Later, Danny is chilling in the Batcave, feet kicked up on the Batcomputer, chatting with Alfred. The rest of the Bats are still spiraling.
“Tim, we’ve lived together for years!” Dick exclaims, sounding genuinely hurt. “How are we only your coworkers?”
“You’re not my family,” Tim explains, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Danny and Jazz are my family. You guys are my teammates. It’s different.”
Jason throws his head back, laughing. “Oh my god, Replacement, you’re stone cold.”
“I’m not cold,” Tim argues. “I just don’t think we need to make it more complicated than it is. We work together. That’s enough.”
Meanwhile, Danny is wiping tears of laughter off his face. “Oh man. Jazz is gonna love this.”
#batfam#tim drake#danny phantom#danny fenton#dc x dp#fenton family supremacy#tim drake has priorities#imagine being called a coworker by your brother#jazz and danny are his real family#tim and danny are twins#let them be siblings and happy#long post#dcxdp
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My personal opinion is that every driver should say “I can beat this person” [generic this person]
Whether I agree with that, or not, it is intrinsic in the athletes to be self-aware and have an ego. [(!) having an ego does not justify disrespect to the other person]
And I’ve been reading a few comments about Yuki saying that he will keep beating his teammates and that he is not scared of Max, mostly comments that do not agree with that but also comments that say he doesn’t deserve the chance at all.
Now, my honest opinion is that he does deserve it, perhaps I may be biased by the fact that I like him a lot as a driver, but- I mean.
They put Nyck next to him and he did the job, also with Daniel (this is no hate against either of them, just stating what actually happened).
Liam is very on level with him, though Yuki still is that step ahead that I think makes a difference (also considering that Liam still has to properly - although not voluntarily- complete an entire F1 season, of course). Even with Checo, it’s the same.
People using the fact that he was beaten by Pierre should also remember that it was his rookie season and that Pierre had much more experience than him, just like, in fact, it is now between Yuki and Liam! So if you want to defend Liam by using this rightful justification, then why should it not apply to Yuki as well?
Another thing is about the “not being scared by Max”. Well, I mean, of course he is not, he is a racer, an athlete, first and foremost. If he said he is scared it would basically be like stepping on his own feet, imagine working your ass off to get where you are and then having to say that you are scared- that would be pretty stupid, no?
He can respect Max and say that he is not scared by him at the same time, it’s that simple.
I think as of now Yuki is the perfect representation of someone who is showing constantly of what he is capable of without ever being recognised for his efforts.
Consistently entering Q3 and finishing in the points on the weekends, racing hard against other drivers, and his defence is just- I mean, have you seen his moves? A M A Z I N G.
Even with a very inconstant car that sometimes decides to perform and sometimes not, the way he defends is just utterly amazing and so so beautiful to watch, it makes goosebumps appear on my arms, I swear.
It’s just such a shame that he is not being considered at all.
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"Slow dance"
- I can teach you to dance, Jona.- And they all stared at Damian.
- Really?- The girl asked surprised.
- Yes, right now if you wish.- He raised a fist to his mouth.- I have already arranged with the orchestra so that they play a slow and simple song to dance to.-
- Huh?- And she blushed up to her ears.- Right now?- Seeing her teammate nod, she swallowed a little before answering.- Su-sure.-
Damian, like a true gentleman, extended his arm as an invitation for her to accompany him, which little Jonatha did, feeling all eyes on them.
- Ignore them.- The 13 years old boy told her in a low voice.- Just look at my face and try to follow my movements.-
Hold me, hold me.
Never let me go
until you've told me,
told me,
what I want to know
and then just hold me, hold me.
Make me tell you I'm in love with you.
Almost without thinking, Supergirl followed Robin's directions, both vocal and physical, stepping on him a few times, earning the other's frowns, who said nothing and continued to direct her onto the dance floor, where other couples had joined them.
-The two look so adorable.-
- Gross.-
- Jason! Tim!-
Already when he felt that Jona had managed to master the famous "1-2-3", Damian released the girl's hands to put them on his shoulders, while he adjusted his hands above her waist, to avoid touching anything that he shouldn't.
- Dami!- Jona's cheeks turned red like tiny little strawberries at the other boy's action.- What are you doing?-
- It's the next part of the slow dance.- He assured her.- Don't say anything and keep dancing.-
- Okay, okay.- And instinctively she put her head on his shoulder.- Thank you, Damian.-
- You don't have to, I offered to help you learn.-
- Anyway, thanks.- Smiling, she continued to scoot to the tune, her head still on Damian's shoulder.
- I think I should separate them, Lois.- Clark was undecided whether to intervene or sit watching his eldest daughter dance intimately with Batman's son.
- Leave them, Smallville.- His wife scolded him, amused to see him jealous.- They're just dancing, it's not like they're doing something bad.-
- But, but... Jona.-
- Shut up and leave them alone. Go get me something to drink.- She ordered.- She's growing up.-
- Okay.- He let out a deep sigh.
He didn't like to see that his girl would soon stop being one to become a young lady. The horror. So, like any self-respecting father, he set himself the goal of taking care of his little girl not only from villains, but also from the evil intentions of other boys, especially Damian Wayne.
(Kiss me) Kiss me, (Kiss me) kiss me. When you do, I'll know that you will miss me. (Miss me) Miss me. (Miss me) If we ever say "Adieu" So kiss me, kiss me. (Ah) Make me tell you I'm in love with you. (Hold me, thrill me) Never, never, never let me go. (Hold me, thrill me) Never, never, never let me go. (Hold me, thrill me) Never, never, never let me go.
- For the next gala, Master Bruce, you should talk to the boys first, before tonight's show is repeated again.- Alfred advised him as he passed by him.
- Thanks for the advice, Alfred. I'll take it into consideration.- Why were his children always giving him headaches?
- Much appreciated of me, sir. Now, how do you intend to handle the situation with Mr. Clark?-
And for any answer, he slapped himself on the face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In this chapter, I used the female version of the name "Jonathan", just to make it clear. And yes, it is "Jonatha"
To give you an idea of what's going on, Damian made and lost a bet against Jason, Tim and Dick, so at the next gala organized by the Wayne's, He had to ask three people to dance, however, they allowed him to choose the songs and the people he would dance with.
Jonatha was not part of these three people.
#jondami#damian wayne#dick grayson#fanfiction#jason todd#tim drake#alfred pennyworth#bruce wayne#humor#jonathan samuel kent#damijon#super sons#jon kent#dance#Song: Hold me#thrill me#kiss me#clark kent#superman and lois#Female Jon Kent
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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I definitely used to be in that very (white) feminist camp of "all women are sisters are look out for each other" and I had this very black and white view that in general women are safe and men arent. Women are decent and men are likely gross and violent. Even when people in my life contradicted the pattern, I believed the cultural messaging more than my own experience.
I also grew up in a very religious, fairly conservative community that emphasized modesty and the idea that any random guy can and will find you attractive so dress modestly oops I mean its all about self respect in a shallow world. For a long time any guy I met I subconsciously or semi-consciously sized up as a prospective date/husband even if we were ludicrously not well matched including me being like, 15. But that was how I related to guys. Ans my world was basically all women+girls all the time with a handful of exceptions. So my experience of understanding men as just people was pretty limited.
And before I could realise that a big part of me is being a guy (technically genderfluidflux + multigender is about the closest description to my experience but I basically shorthand what communicates most effectively), I had to go through unlearning "women are always great and men always suck" and adding in some intersectionality.
I think its just a truth though, that of people of any identity there are going to be assholes and selfish people and the like. Theres no identity category that everyone within it is automatically safe. It was super weird to go from seeing self-identified feminists as probably universally decent people, to start being afraid that self-identified feminists, especially who are cis, might be terfs or radfems or otherwise transphobic or automatically aggressive toward guys. Even in some spaces you can be a butch (lesbian, assumed) but you take a half step into trans maaculinity and youre out. Plenty of blogs on here like "butch4butch 😍😍😍 MEN DNI YOURE GROSS". Like, sister, we are all but the same.
I also definitely look at peoples bios and make some snap judgements based on their identities, I think thats a very normal human thing to do, its why we use categories. I think the trick is that all that is a starting point and you always have to get to know someone better to really know them. Theres always some level of risk, I think, its just about being careful while youre getting to know someone and hoping that the flags will keep being green.
wait where are all the trans guys
Historical-anthropological research, especially the work taking place before the 21st century or outside the West, tends to focus entirely on transfeminized groups. So when reading these works it’s pretty natural to ask — wait, where are all the trans guys? This is a reasonable question with a few clear answers; this post is something quick I can point people to.
The central condition of transfeminized groups' absorption into feminist activism has been to accept a kind of symmetry with select TME groups through the understanding of trans femininity as "gender variance." Under this framework, transfeminized groups' social position can be understood as a consequence of gender variance and some abstract violation of cis norms; this was proposed by people like Susan Stryker and Emi Koyama [1], among others, and continues to structure trans inclusion today. It also fails when considering several basic aspects of these groups:
Transfeminized groups are associated with hyperspecific labor practices, most frequently sex work, but also hair styling, drag, makeup artistry, acting, and other forms of 'gender work.'
Metropolitan transfeminized groups appear in the archive as highly clustered and active groups connected with, but usually intensely split from, the masculine men they fucked.
Transfeminized groups become a kind of 'third gender' on an epistemic level; they are Known to wider society before and after “coming out” in a way that USAmerican transmasculinity has only recently vaguely approached.
Transfeminized groups are heavily clustered in labor practice, social organization, and epistemic position, although this is not universal -- certain strains of USAmerican transfemininity have become a bit more labor-agnostic in the last two decades, not-so-coincidentally alongside more general currents of gender-labor liberation. The messy strains of trans male identity recovered from the archive and from current practice tend to lack labor, social, and epistemic coherence. As Aaron Devor notes in FTM, his 1997 history of FTM men, trans men in the 20th century tended to transition out of cities and into the countryside, finding low-profile places they could exist in. These practices, and the earlier "female husband" practices described by Jen Manion, relied on the labor-agnostic nature of transitioned manhood in order to disappear from public life. Transfeminized groups, on the other hand, are categorically restricted from the main form of economic life historically available to women -- marriage. Their labor practices are heavily constrained and have almost always revolved around some form of 'gender work:' as Susan Stryker put it, you need to get people to pay you for being a trans woman. Transmasculinity pushes away feminized restrictions on labor; trans femininity is labor.
Because transfeminized identities are so often labor-identities, and because their specific brand of 'gender work' and hormonal/silicone/surgical embodiment usually requires both specialized training and community support, nearly every metropolitan center in the world developed highly centralized transfeminized groups over the course of the 20th century [2]. As Ochoa notes, this visibility is partially due to epistemic visibility (everyone knows what a trans is), partially due to group structure (people work and train each other), and partially due to the selectively visible demands of finding clients. Fledglings come in with a way of being that is always already visible to society, but changing the body to match and learning how to fully enact and slowly contest the third-gender labor-identity they've been given takes a lot of community support.
So as labor-identities, transfeminized groups tend to a level of labor/community/epistemic coherence that has no clear counterpart. The news archives we have of trans men (as seen in Manion) position them as singular and easily absorbed back into the female gestalt; the cisgender feminist/gayguy/AIDS researchers that form the bulk of historical-anthropological work saw them as unnecessary to their grand theories of gender; the communities themselves have been materially fractured and, for the groups that rise out of lesbian-feminist activism, only partially committed to their own existence. The result of all this is that there is no clear equivalent to the "transfeminized groups" of Jules-Gill Peterson; there is no symmetry to trannydom, and while additional work to unearth trans manhood in the archive remains extremely valuable, sometimes the necessary level of label-coherence and social existence just isn't there.
[1] Stryker, "My Words to Victor Frankenstein Above the Village of Chamounix: Performing Transgender Rage," Emi Koyama, "The Transfeminist Manifesto" [2] As seen in Namaste, Invisible Lives, Prieur, "Mema's House, Mexico City," Kulick, "Travesti," Newton, "Mother Camp," Ochoa, "Queen for a Day," Hegarty, "The Made-Up State," and plenty more. Most of these works came out in the late 80s and 90s due to a combination of the feminist "third gender" craze, the burgeoning field of masculinity studies, and AIDS.
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Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay
#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions#The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out#the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time#and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine#but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive#I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women#but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again#The retrospective is funny though#The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking#like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys#Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings#about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it#And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red#flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways#either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense#and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all#I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin#not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit#And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it#because if there are gods they are cruel#He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute#He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm#I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things#At least not while they were women#I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself#yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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hrgh every time I think I've come close to forgiving lance fucking parkin I skim the gallifrey chronicles. and then I remember the Horrors.
#listen bc when I read through and play around with AHistory I'm inclined to enjoy and respect his work as a curatative fan historian#but his actual prose writing#it. it beggars belief it truly does it's just atrocious#megan whines into the empty abyss of cyberspace#everyone in the EDA discord who thinks father time is the worst of it oh boy babes the worst is absolutely yet to come#like I get *why* they gave him the last book of the line because he does (mostly) know his lore extremely well#so it kind of makes sense that he'd be picked to wrap up all the myriad loose ends#and also he's well liked and afaik pretty personable unlike some fuckers I could name and didn't spend years burning bridges#but oh my god oh my god literally everything to do with Fitz and Trix is just. awful. terrible.#guy who absolutely does not understand or respect any of the three of that team TARDIS but especially Fitz#also The Thing With Sam#never happened fuck you lance#also given just how many asspats he gives himself over his command of the lore he fucking got Sam's middle name wrong?!#also it's soooo obvious how much he loves Anji because she's a Capitalist GirlbossTM#he really does not grasp her character development or personal arcs but he thinks he's killing it#like she *is* a Capitalist GirlbossTM but that's not all she is but he's not actually interested in her interiority at all#he just enjoys that she's a fiscal conservative#god the fact that trading futures is the literal very next book after Anachrophobia#one of the best books in the series that explicitly calls out Anji's pro-capitalism stance using time-war-for-profit played for utter horro#immediately followed by...almost the exact same premise but Zany RompTM#it's not that capitalists misusing time travel for profit is inherently bad it's just *these guys* who suck#no lesson is learned! then you fucking get to the fucking gallifrey chronicles and Fitz actually deciding that this very same scheme#'wasn't perhaps unethical' just because it's Trix and Anji doing it#like yeah sure Anji and Trix can have a little insider trading. as a treat. but that is literally the definition of unethical lol#the only reason time traveling to acquire stock tips isn't massively illegal is because it's not fucking real like??#of-fucking-course it's unethical you walnut#parkin you smug annoying self-obsessed lore-obsessed pregnancy-obsessed just barely-plausibly deniably not homophobic asshole#I'm avoiding even bringing up the actual beef with TGC because first of all everyone fucking knows but also it's just.#it's such a goddamn shit awful trainwreck#if parkin wasn't a Fitz-hating homophobic coward he would've ended the gallifrey chronicles the same way he ended the dying days. wink.
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Does anyone else get the feeling that at their core, all of mxtx's works are about cycles of abuses.
#idea dump#ramblings of a sleep deprived girl#heaven official's blessing#tian guan ci fu#scum villian self saving system#mao dao zu shi#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#mxtx#mo xiang tong xiu#cycle of abuse#I don't only mean the passing down of trauma#I also mean the abuses of an established corrupt system#that systematically hurts people that are less fortunate than those who actively benefit from it#to me this one is more prevalent in mdzs and why jin guangyao downfall is so upsetting to me#because he was coming close to breaking the cycle of abuse of both the system and of his family#but unfortunately it was his past actions in service of perpetuating it that doomed him#if he had realized a lot sooner that his father was not worth it#and started pursuing his own interests from the beginning instead of his father's approval he could have changed everything for the better#not to mention that unlike his father he actually treats his spouse with respect and doesn't intentionally hurt her#emphasis on the 'intentional' part (if you know you know)#just like Jin Guangyao became the new wei wuxian Nie Huaisang became the new Jin Guangyao#so i'm of the firm belief that since the system is still in place the cycle will repeat again#and Nie Huaisang will replace Wei Wuxian as someone else becomes his Jin Guangyao#sorry for this long ass essay in the tags lol#it's 3am so I'll probably do the other two another time#also let it be known that I'm only running on spoilers/fanfictions/wiki when it comes to svsss and mdzs#so if anyone bothers to read my essay tags be free to correct anything if I get something wrong#side note why wasn't mdzs about breaking cycles???#why didn't yanli become sect leader. Jiang cheng remain coreless. or Jin Zixuan marry into the Jiangs to show worth outside the norms#you can be a strong woman without being cruel. cultivation doesn't equal worth. and powerful women are beautiful and should be respected
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I fucking love bartending all I want to do is make people silly little drinks, and I am saurrrrr good at it like genuinely, and I hate when I have free time and not at work! all I want to do is be at work and yet it feels like a complete moral failure and disappointment to every iteration of myself I have ever been, and everything I have ever wanted my entire life, to just be like "I'm not interested in having an interesting career anymore. this is good enough" and yet deep down I don't care if it's cool, my music industry work itself is not fucking fun to me anymore + the constant grinding I have to do to even unlock the work is the worst thing in the entire world. it's just not worth it! ...but I cannot mentally handle being "just a bartender" my whole life, even a high-end cocktail bartender which is what I am currently
#I have to be SUCCESSFUL I have to be INTERESTING#I have to tell people my career and it's a conversation starter and they want to hear all about it#I have an easier time connecting with people just by my answer to 'what do you do for a living'#but also like why#why do all that when I can make a full living just. hANGING OUT and making silly little drinks 3 nights a week#even typing all this out feels EMBARASSING in a way I cannot articulate#its like growing up when your parents were like 'go to college or you'll work at McDonalds your whole life'#and then having the realization of like. but I have fun working at McDonalds maybe I just wanna do that#it feels self-degrading to say this is what I want to do i can't explain it#and it's not cause I don't respect the profession I just like. idk#many thoughts head full and I just feel so much shame for no reason
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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
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one thing about dating/hookup apps is some people just cannot handle a lull in the conversation?? like my GUY we barely know each other and you have no idea what's going on in my life give me at least a day before you assume i need a reminder to get back to you
#especially from people who are older than me like i would expect you to have more emotional security than this#i think it can be an entitlement thing but i believe most of the time it's an insecurity thing#it's very annoying. idk i feel like when you're in a talking stage you owe each other very little#and then there are people who text you EVERY DAY about getting back to them like my god. at that point it's not even just about#respecting my time it's also like why do you have no self respect. this is humiliating for you.#i've literally never felt the need to do this and i do tend to come off more aloof to people but yeah#also like this is the norm between me and my friends when it comes to texting pretty much across the board. sometimes you go a really long#time before responding it happens#this and being dismissive about me or something i'm into are very easy ways to lose points with me#anyway. having a good time on the apps regardless lol#one thing that has been nice to learn about myself on the apps is that i am way better at defending my boundaries than i thought#i can be a little erratic with my time depending on how many people i'm talking to bc it seems to drain my social energy easily#but i feel like i've been better about it. and this is annoying and unnecessary regardless lmao#karinyo.txt
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Ohhhh I hate greys anatomy they're all SO. HORRIBLE.
#this is my second watch of it#and let me just say that im noticing so much more the second time#mainly how awful burke and derek are#YOU MET A GIRL IN A BAR AND YOU TELL YOUR GRIEVING GIRLFRIEND THAT THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK?? GO FUCK YOURSELF#OFC SHES NOT PEPPY AND HAPPY SHE JUST LOST HER SECOND MOTHER FIGURE AND HER FATHER THAT SHE WAS JUST#STARTING TO REBUILD HER RELATIONSHIP WITH BLAMES HER FOR SAID MOTHER FIGURES DEATH AND SLAPPED HER#AND THEN PROCEEDED TO COME TO HER JOB TO HARASS HER AND YELL ABOUT HOW SHES NOT ALLOWED AT THE FUNERAL#OFC SHES NOT HAPPY#WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS AT THE BAR? WHY WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK??? SHE IS GRIEVING#SHE IS GRIEVING AND YOU ARE ACTING LIKE ITS HER FAULT THAT YOURE UNHAPPY YOURE ACTING LIKE ITS HER FAULT SHES NOT HER USUAL SELF#YOU ARE THE WORST KIND OF MAN#YOU ARE THE WORST KIND OF PERSON#I HATE DEREK SHEPARD WITH A FUCKING PASSION#HES SUCH A GASLIGHTY ASSHOLE#and dont get me STARTED on Burke#YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO FORCE CHRISTINA TO CHANGE#YOU KNOW SHE DOESNT WANT THIS WEDDING BUT YOURE FORCING IT ON HER ANYWAYS BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND BECAUSE YOU INSIST#THAT WHENEVER YOU FORCE THINGS ON HER SHE ENDS UP HAPPY EVENTUALLY#EVEN THOUGH THATS NOT TRUE AND YOURE JUST CONTROLLING AND HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HER#ALSO YOUR MOTHER IS IN LOVE WITH YOU AND ITS DISGUSTING#AND YOU BOTH WANT CHRISTINA TO GIVE UP BEING A SURGEON WHEN YOU GET MARRIED?? GO FUCK YOURSELVES#YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR HER#and dont get me started on thw way burke and all of christinas friends acted when that professor showed up#fake ass friends#HE LITERALLY SEXUALLY HARASSED HER IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU AND YOU DID NOTHING#YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY#IT WAS NOT#i think that christina should be allowed to kill everyone in seattle grace hospital#i could say so much more about it tbh#greys anatomy
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In today's episode of 'Sae, do you (...)': the topic of Ningguang and Yelan, and I thought that I should note my opinion more clearly outside of my rules as it's very important information for my portrayal: I do not ship Ningguang and Yelan romantically.
Honestly, while this is of course my own opinion, I don't find that there's anything to really substantiate a romantic interest between the two. For starters, I don't think that Ning, as interesting of a character as she is with a past that might just be similar in its 'rise' to Yelan's (we're left with very little information on the latter's childhood), ticks the right kind of boxes for her, though to be fair: not many do. Yelan craves a specific sort of thrill in her life, I mean she lives it at the roll of a dice because she is, on some level, bored, and craves the unexpected, the unusual, the 'surprise', and Ningguang's life nor personality seem to play into that. Beyond it, Yelan would need a kinship within this very specific 'loneliness' that I talk about too often and I think that Ning is not one who quite meshes into that in the right way.
Second, despite their long-standing history that even predates their mutual involvement with the Qixing, there seems to be a certain professional distance between the two that I'm quite fond of that is shown in brief event cutscenes, and also Yelan's vision story, that I find inherently intriguing. Perhaps this distance plays more into Yelan's character of not investing too heavily, or rather not too easily, into social dynamics than it does Ning's (I'm not one to weigh in on her character), but it seems evident to me that there's also that semblance of professionalism that creates a line that takes away the possibility of growing closer on an emotional level. And whether that's a mutual decision or not is not up to me to judge, but I think it's one that's made rather clearly from Yelan's side. On top of that, Yelan is Yelan and it's my personal belief that shipping her is rather difficult.
Now I'm also inherently of the opinion (unpopular, I know, I apologize) that dynamics aren't always more interesting when written in romantic settings, and I don't think it's a benefit for all of them to veer into a romantic nature. And in my opinion (and most importantly: in my depiction and understanding of Yelan's character), I think that having Ning and Yelan cross the line from professionalism into something inherently more rooted in romanticism, would be a detriment to their dynamic. Because honestly, I think the fact that Ningguang being one of two people (other being Uncle Tian) to know Yelan best, without ever crossing that line, is too good. I would simply, well, just prefer to keep that not only platonic, but professional, but of course not excluding it of Yelan's quips, and the occasional 'confidant' element.
/rambles in tags because I feel like I have more to say that I shouldn't flood the post with.
#[ psa. ] seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors.#[ also; and this is where you'll learn more about my 'single-ship' self-- i love the concept of ningguang and beidou. ]#[ and i wouldn't want to take away from that dynamic /in my own head/. it's not about what others do/see/view. but about my own head. ]#[ if i did ship it-- it'd counter that dynamic and i don't like that (again: in my own brain). ]#[ i'm an odd rper in that sense; but i almost have difficulty straying from this... single verse concept. ]#[ in my head i tie specific characters to other specific characters after a lot of thought and i don't commit to those thoughts easily. ]#[ but then i construct this entire huge narrative in my head that's almost like its own book. ]#[ and so i can't easily 'copy' that multiple times for multiple ships. does that make sense? ]#[ but /because/ i do that-- i heavily scrutinize dynamics across the board and it's where a lot of my enjoyment as a writer comes from. ]#[ these analyses of specific characters and dynamics. why are they the way that they are? ]#[ it's psychology. i love it. it's not just saying 'i love finding out what makes characters tick' but it's actively really going... ]#[ 'yeah okay i could ship these-- but is there basis for it and /why/ and /in what capacity/ and specifically: /would they decide to/? ]#[ sometimes i tell myself that i'm not made for rp'ing because i'm too analytical meshed in with too much emotion. ]#[ because i get too invested. ]#[ but i just-- i don't know. i wanted to kind of explain why pointing stuff like this out is important to me and my portrayal. ]#[ especially for yelan who has such a... god; it's almost an unhealthy headspace. you can't mesh that with just anyone. ]#[ the person has to /really get it/ and understand it almost on this level that isn't logical for most humans. because it's unusual. ]#[ but it's important that it's understood /by another human being/. ]#[ and i also think some people genuinely don't mesh in /that/ way. some can mesh perfectly platonically in my head and then... ]#[ not at all romantically. but when /my head/ has decided that this is how it is-- i respect when people disagree; i do. ]#[ i will never say that my opinions are the be all end all for other yelans or even yelan's character in specific. ]#[ as much as i like to think i analyze-- /i could be wrong/. ]#[ but all in all; i do respect if people disagree. but there's just certain opinions i have for my own portrayal that i need to note. ]#[ but also-- a little explanation as to why i'm single-ship more often than not. i wish i could budge how my brain works. but alas. ]#[ /sips coffee past midnight. ]#[ it's been a day. it really has been a day; i need to make my own serotonin tomorrow. i miss writing. ]
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natsume book of friends season 4 opening sequence has got me incredibly fucked up. the lyrics. kid natsume's tiny little legs and teenage natsume watching him run. the lyrics. nyanko-sensei burrowing into his arms. did i mention the lyrics? ending frame on the fujiwara family. including natsume. because he's part of their family. as the lyrics ask him to "please [not] keep suffering alone"? somebody fucking hold me.
#i'm actually almost done with season 4 because i have no self-control. and every time i watch the opening i'm like#no this has only gotten more potent since the last time i watched it. we are reaching danger levels#natsume yuujinchou#natsume's book of friends#my posts#season 4 is the season of tanuma just completely destroying me on every level. why is every single character like this??#every time he learns something about natsume he's like oh so this is what it's like for natsume?#and then it happens again and he's like wait natsume ALSO has THIS OTHER THING to contend with??#and again: AND A THIRD THING?? WHY MUST THE WORLD'S BEST BOY NATSUME TAKASHI SUFFER???#he just wants to help natsume deal with stuff and i am on the fucking floor#his thought process is just#this is hard for natsume. i wish i could help him. maybe here's a way i could help him? he doesn't want me to though because it would#put me in danger. but i don't want him to be in danger either. and i'm telling him that to his face. i don't think it's really#gotten through to him but that's okay i will just keep telling him. now i'm realizing that the thing i did to help him maybe just made#things harder for him. this is hard for natsume. i wish i could help him. maybe sometimes the best way to help him is to just#respect his wishes and yet remind him that he can lean on people and that people love him as much as he loves them#the part where tanuma realized why natsume doesn't tell the fujiwaras about youkai gutted me#this kid is so emotionally astute and such a sweetheart#i just watched the episode where natsume loses his picture of his parents and his old house is getting sold and i cried. SO many tears.#tanuma putting his foot down for once like no actually you need to admit that something is bothering you this time#we can find this picture. ask us to help you do this thing that we can actually do for you. you don't need to be sad for no reason#mmm can't be coherent about it just rest assured it was extremely harmful to me and also exactly what i needed#anyway the season 4 opening song as the thing you say to your younger self who lives inside your current self because#you can't actually go back in time and be the person your younger self needed to have in their life. so all you can do is love that child#in absentia but so so so fiercely and with your whole entire heart#all you can do is give your current self all the love you have for the child you were#jesus CHRIST
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honestly i don’t really think any mental illnesses have been like “destigmatized”- not fully at least. i think the stigma has just changed from demonization to “that’s not a real problem get over it god”
#obviously demonization is more Actively Harmful#but to say things like depression and anxiety have been destigmatized is. incorrect i feel#yes we are not treated like we’re evil. which is for sure an improvement#nobody deserves to be treated like they’re evil#but our illnesses are now being dismissed. ‘oh everyone has that’ not like me#‘you’re just being lazy’ i wish that were true#like. ok hold on let me use an example bc i’m worried abt reading comprehension on this website#(not my followers i trust u guys but i act as if every post i make will get popular)#my brother is autistic. i have GAD.#my brother was diagnosed when he was 2. he’s faced a lot of bullying from both kids and adults and it sucks and he didn’t deserve it#because of all that bullying (especially as a kid) he’s rejecting his autism and focusing really hard on being as ‘normal’ as possible#i was diagnosed last year at 17. i’ve been having these issues my whole life (my mom and i both saw it) but my issues were dismissed#by all the other adults around me (save for family) because i wasn’t visibly struggling and i was doing well in school#it made me doubt my convictions for a long time. what if i’m wrong?#as such i didn’t seek a diagnosis for a long time until my anxiety had gotten to a point where i knew i couldn’t keep ignoring it#now that i have that diagnosis i’m able to wield it as a weapon. my struggles aren’t made up#they’re real. and they always have been. and i can’t just ‘calm down’ like you can. and that needs to be respected#so while i think one is more actively harmful (bullying and harassment lead to self-rejection and loathing)#the other is also harmful- just passively (constantly being dismissed leads to self-doubt and not asking for help)#also why are people angry about the idea of a mental illness being destigmatized?#one group freeing itself from oppression isn’t gonna immediately forget about the groups who helped them get there#if i’m one day able to get perfect accomodations for my anxiety and nobody looks at me like i’m dramatic when i talk about it#i’m not gonna suddenly stop advocating for mental health issues to be normalized#if anything i’ll argue HARDER. you learned to understand me now learn to understand my siblings#learn to understand those with bpd. with psychosis. the sociopaths. the narcissists. the systems#i’m not gonna act like i have it worse than people who are heavily stigmatized. i’m not gonna get attacked for stuttering at mcdonalds#but that doesn’t mean i have /no/ problems and it doesn’t mean i think i’m better than anyone else#i don’t get why people fight each other about this. it’s a good thing so long as we remember where we came from
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