#reptiles are so fucking funny

[praetorqueenreyna]

My snake about ready to call the police on me for my horrific crimes against her (I replaced her bedding and got her a better tank)

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

Medical log, stardate 18935.15. Once more have I seen the tailor go out in his lizard fashion—

[savage-rhi]

Fuchsia 😂

[dragoncarrion]

Absolutely obsessed with animals whose babies are literally shrunk down versions of the adults

[dankovskaya]

Dinopants is literally insane and I say that with full support

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

I feel like Seth would be the guy to see a completely harmless animal and go "OH FUCK OH SHIT"

Like he goes to a fair or something, someone offers to let him hold a lizard and hes scared shitless while holding a small bearded dragon

HEHDHFHFH

[kagender]

i call this one “andromedian sphynx”

[fatcowboys]

very funny in hindsight how i was assuming i wasnt paying close enough attention and missing a detail or two and now its incredibly likely that they probably just mentioned stuff bc they assumed (correctly. it was a correct assumption i am a fool) that people would. Read the books on order and thus not need to detail on things already gone over in the first book

[venmondiese]

WEIRD HOBBIES

-ˋˏ| summary: you meet a guy in a bar and decide to go back to his place, as weird as he might seem.

✧ | Pairing: Martin (in the modern world) x reader

✧ | word count: 2.3k

✧ | Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, Oral (f/m receiving), 69 position, Martin is weird as hell but a pussy eating champ! Not beta proof<3

“So… what’s your name again?” You ask curiously, walking behind the man that holds your hand, guiding you through his home, and to his bedroom. You don’t complain, though, since you were out just for that; to get home with a handsome man. 

There was this band that you never heard of playing near your house, and it took little for your brain to convince you to go. If something good came from it, you would get fucked. If something bad came from it, well… you hoped for the first one. 

That’s how you ended up here, following a dude, which looks from head to toe like a metal head. His hair goes to his shoulders, coal black, which you assume he dyed it, and some graphic shirt with the words ‘Knotfest’ and all, wearing some metal stuff that you didn’t really know much about.

And you looked like a rock groupie, with a leather top that practically squeezed your tits and a dark jeans miniskirt with some boots. Yet, this mysterious man was still taller than you, and that was quite exciting, and a bit arousing.

“Eh, Martin” he says nonchalantly, as he grabs your hand, his bracelets really end up the detail of his fit, and you feel really horny now to lay with this dude. “Yours?”

You tell Martin your name, following him as he opens his bedroom door. To be fair, it is tidier than you imagined.

“Sorry the mess” he murmurs, moving the drone and an electric guitar out of his bed. You hum, looking around curiously, to the badly positioned posters, some rock-metal bands that you didn’t know about.

“Is that a snake?” You ask, watching the little head of the reptile in the middle of the dim light coming from outside.

“Uh- no, it’s a lizard” 

A guy with a lizard as a pet. Okay.

“What is its name?” 

“Lizard. I don’t like naming them-” 

Great. 

You look at him with a fake smile. The dick better be good you think, taking out your jacket and leaving it on a chair next to the desk.

“Be careful, spider likes to crawl near there”

You took your jacket off there, and you really hoped that he had a dog called spider because otherwise it would be strange as hell.

“Riiiiight” you say, leaving your jacket in a hanger of his opened closet. Whatever. “So… Apart from having a lizard and a spider… do you maybe also have… a cockroach?”

He lets out a huff, his lips turning upwards as he takes his shirt off. “No” Martin says. “I do have another thing, though, it’s very big”

You try to smile at his corny, cringy words. It’s for the dick. You repeat to yourself: The dick better be good. He better not finish in two minutes. He better knows how to eat pussy.

“Ha. Funny” you say as you start to take off those boots.

“How did ya meet the band?”

“Ehmm… A friend dated the brother of an ex of the bassist. I think” you say watching as he frowns his eyebrows slightly trying to make any sense as he lights up a cigarette. 

“ah, nice” he says as he lays on bed as he smokes the cigarette, taking off his shirt as he remains only in those Adidas jeans of his. “Heard the songs before?”

“Once or twice” you say looking at the CD albums stacked on top of each other messily, and you move to grab a solitude piece of paper, as you can practically feel Martin’s eyes on your ass. “I liked the vocalist, quite handsome, don’t you think?” you unwrap softly the paper, away from Martin’s eyes.

It was an address. It piqued your curiosity.

“Aye, come here” his voice is soft as he extends his hand to turn off the cigarette on the glass ashtray, which has the shape of a dragon.

You turn around and walk toward his bed, and watch how he seems eager to have you. It’s hot to have a man drooling for you like Martin is now. And his erection is the living proof of it; it was obvious against his trousers that he was rock hard. You wondered if he was leaking as well. 

You straddle his lap, a smirk forming on your lips as his hands move immediately to your thighs, cold hands moving slowly up to find their way to your ass. 

“Sit on my face” Martin murmurs, words slightly stuck between his pants

“Hm? What was that?” You ask petulantly, pretending not to have heard. 

“Come on, beautiful, sit on my face” he says, pushing your hips closer to his chest, trying to push your miniskirt up.

“Gotta take my panties off” you say softly to him, watching his lips as he licks them, savouring the ghosting taste of you.

“No, like this” he murmurs, eager to taste you. “I’ll eat you from behind even.” Martin proposes, more desperate than the last time “Please”

You might forgive cheesy comments for his eagerness. You sigh with a wide smirk, turning around as Martin places his big hands around your thighs, dragging your centre closer to his face. 

Eager was the wrong word for it; he was desperate.

His hand moved your panties to the side, and his face almost nuzzled your cunt, before starting to press his tongue on your centre. You could hear his groan of pure delight, his hands caressing the skin of your thighs and ass as he delighted himself. 

“Fuck” you said, but it was as if all the air from your lungs when out in that moan. 

Martin’s hands were keeping you still, not allowing you to move your hips to grind his face as you wanted. You could hear his moans, the way he slurped and nuzzled his face on your cunt. 

He was a pro, eating pussy as if he did it every day (maybe he did, god knows), and he didn’t seem to care for his lack of air in the matter. He was on it, devoted to eating your dripping cunt as if it was his last meal on earth.

Your hands are pressed on his stomach, and he has to forcefully let you go to breathe, and you sigh as you feel his breaths. 

“Where did you learn to do that?” You breathe softly, as you can hear how he pants, catching his breath. 

“A good pussy can make a man go feral, love” he says, moving your panties out of the way as his index and middle finger move to rub against your slit. 

He was cheesy, and it was a bit weird. Yet it couldn’t bother you less, you had been with worse men, and Martin was good in other areas…, well, at least in sex and eating out a pussy. And it was more than average, so you were up to it.

Before he decides to keep on eating you, still caressing your clit as he catches his breath, you lean a bit on his torso, to try to pull down the leather pants, opening the zipper. 

It takes you a bit, yet after accomplishing your mission, your hand grabs his dick to guide it into your warm, eager mouth. 

He was well doted, and hard as a rock. He was leaking, and his tip was a bit pink compared with the rest of his cock. 

God damn you if it didn’t make your mouth drool. Between him eating you out, and his leaking cock, you think you will go insane. He could have cheeky, cringe comments but you could live with it. You couldn’t live without him eating you out or his cock. 

You are as enthusiastic with his cock as he is. Though, you start slower. You take the head on your mouth, sucking on it as you feel him groan against your pussy. It was fucking hot, and it had you moaning on his cock. You didn’t remember the last time your legs were trembling like this, and how much you wanted to feel a dick in your throat. It was a need, a primal need.

Martin was kind and nice, had his things, but god, you need to fuck him. You might even need to have his babies by now. You wouldn’t complain if he came all inside you, filling you with his cum, and making you pregnant. Fuck, it even turned you more on. What was this man doing to you?

You took more of his dick in your mouth, trying to take all of it, not minding if you choke on it. He was hot. More than hot, in truth.

Martin was relentless with his tongue, lapping at your cunt again and again, moaning loudly against it as he could feel how deep you were taking his cock in your mouth. Your hand moved to cup his balls, as your tongue tried to swirl around his tip. It drove him insane. 

It was not long before you started to cum, moaning loudly, his dick slipping from your mouth as your thighs pressed against his face, riding his face and nose as he was making you cum. His tongue was as greedy as him, and he worked with his nose along your slit. And it made you cum hard, rolling your eyes back. “Fuck, Martin, just like that…” You say, hips grinding against his mouth in a desperate need to stretch the feeling a bit more. 

And once you finish, your mouth goes back to his cock, to keep on sucking him off. “Fuck, you feel incredible” he rasped, as you moved forward, closer to his cock and have full access, as Martin’s hips pumped upwards to fuck your mouth. 

You lay on his chest, his face back on the pillow, moaning loudly as you seem to try to drain him completely, deepthroating him as if it was nothing at all.

“Fuck, you are going to make me cum” He says, teeth gripped as his hand moves to grab a fist of your hair, to move your head down to allow him fuck your mouth deep as he wanted. His own head titles back in pure bliss and pleasure, moaning loudly as he uses your mouth as a desperate animal in need to cum. Not that you complain, it costs a bit more to breathe, and you were almost choking, but hearing Martin be so local, groaning, moaning and grunting was worth it. 

His cum soon fills your mouth, and he keeps you still, the signal clear for you to swallow all of it, as his throbbing cock unleashed his hot cum. 

“Swallow it… fuck, swallow it all, take what I give you…” he mutters in pure bliss.

As the last drops of cum are licked off his cock, he leans back and you move to his side. 

“That was great” You mutter, looking at the ceiling. How could he be so great at it?

“Yeah. Cig break and round two?”

“Hell yeah”

You are with your friend when you search the location in the paper that you found in Martin’s room. You were supposed to go to the club, you were wearing your miniskirt and a top, really to party, but that man had eaten your pussy and fucked you like no one before, so you felt entitled to find what that was for.

“It’s cold” Your friend, Tamara, says. She was chewing gum as she followed you begrudgingly. 

“It’s a fucking parking lot?” You ask looking around the empty street, the night made it lonely yet not totally isolated. 

“Your darling buries the bodies here” Your friend says, obviously judging it all. “Can we go?”

“Look, there is a car” you point out, as the car seems to be jumping around due to the movements inside. “Gods, you think they are having sex?”

“Ew, you think he has a brothel in his car?” Tamara asks you, looking at the car as you both get closer. “Eww and you fucked without a condom… You could get an IST, and die”

“It is called an STD, and… I think he is not fucking anyone” you frown slightly, getting closer.

“Careful! What if his pimp is here…?”

“He is fighting someone!” You say looking inside the car, as you find Martin pressing the head of the other guy against the window. 

Surely, Martin was a weird dude. He was corny as hell, and he had pets called like the species they were. Sure. He almost burned his hair as he smoked after sex, yes; and he also ate pussy like a champ and was hung as a horse. 

“I am going there” You tell your friends. “The dick is worth it”

“Yikes” 

As you walk closer, you feel your friend either staying behind or walking away, not that you care. 

Martin had blood trailing down his forehead, and was lying in the passenger’s seat as his thighs choked the other guy he was with, holding his head still with his hands. Okay, whatever, a guy can have hobbies.

When he sees you, he starts rolling down the window of the car, as you lean closer to his height.

“Hey, darling- how did ya–”

“A girl has her secrets” you say, smiling as you see him. God, he was sexy as hell. “I want my pussy eaten” 

Martin smirks, and he leans back to sigh at your request, as if the idea delights him. He still applies pressure to the other dude, who seems to pass out. Martin leans forward closer to your lips and whispers “Will ya’ wait ten minutes as I finish with this round?”

“Three” You bargain.

“Seven.”

“Three”

“Five and I’ll make you cum twice.” His final offer, and the time you had in mind. Offering lower than one wants always seems work to get your official deal, even with an extra.

“Deal” you accept with a smirk. 

And what if he was fighting inside a car? You fancied Martin, and sure as hell he fancied you. Even if he has weird hobbies. 

[crxss01]

— Finally

pairing ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ percy jackson x reader

summary ⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊ you and percy confess to each other after an argument while you both fought a monster.

warnings ✧˖ ° violence (they are fighting a monster), making out in the middle of a fight, curse words.

m. list, main m.list.

"you do know that this is all your fault, right?" percy yelled at you as you both fought the scythian dracanae side by side.

"my fault? what the fuck are you—" you looked at him in disbelief but then regretted doing so when the she-monster took the opportunity to take a swing at you with one of her serpent trunks.

percy deflected the attack that was made towards you, pushing you out of the way. "stay focus!" he yelled.

"i will when you stop blaming every misfortune on me!" you yelled and attacked the female reptile.

"sssssstop, your argument givessss me a headache!" the monster demanded.

"you can get headaches?" percy asked with a chuckled.

you couldn't deny that it sounded so goddamn attractive, and it made you more mad than you were already.

"shut up, percy." you told him. "stay focus, remember?"

"here you go again." he complained, now fighting the dracanae on his own as you were knocked off your feet. "you okay?"

"yes, i'm okay." you answered, just laying there for a second going over memories of decisions you had made and regretting them before standing back up and holding onto your sword tightly.

"good, because you keep getting distracted. stop that or you will get yourself killed."

this bitch.

you rolled your eyes but he was right, you needed to stay focus on the fight. you briefly wondered why it was taking so long since percy was an excellent fighter and he could've killed the dracanae in five minutes flat.

"why. haven't. you. kill. this. thing." you panted out, landing a blow after each word.

"i don't know, maybe i wanted to spend time with you." he said sarcastically or at least you thought it was.

"very funny." you said dryly, why did he have to play with you like that.

"is not a joke though." percy said, feeling a bust of courage.

your head snapped to him so fast that you thought you might have gotten whiplash. "what?"

"look, i know this isn't the most convenient moment to say this but i’m full of adrenaline so imma take the chance to tell you that i like you." percy sighed and stopped fighting.

the dracanae stood there staring at the scene of you two completely forgetting about her.

"unfortunately for you..." you made a face, just for the drama of it and watched percy's face slowly fall. "i like you too."

percy let out a dry chuckle, throwing his head back with another sigh then shaking his head. "i hate you so much..." he mumbled then walked to you.

he grabbed your face between his hands and attached his lips to yours. you dropped your sword, putting your arms around his neck and kissing him back with as much passion as he was. it was so addicting, the smell of sea salt and the taste of blueberries of his lips was driving you crazy from just a few seconds of kissing.

you two separated then leaned back in after taking a few deep breath's, this was exactly what you needed right now. you could kiss him all day and not get tired of it. his hands came down from your face to your neck, to your shoulder until they rested against your hips.

"how dare you two do thissssss infront of me!! thisss issss—" the dracanae got interrupted by the humidity coming off the ground and turning to water that engulfed around her, drowning her voice inside of it.

you unfortunately couldn't see that at the time because you were too busy kissing percy jackson, your boyfriend? maybe.

ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ reblogs are really appreciated!

[hwaseonghwasworld]

ATEEZ reaction to you shedding your skin

Request from: @yasmin-choi

Hongjoong

You had the camera ready and set, he walked in seeing you peeling something off, he stepped closer and sees it and jumps in shock “WHAT ARE YOU DOING” you look over at him with a straight face “it’s my monthly peel” “THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN” you kept trying to compose yourself every time he reacted “every month i have to shed my skin, it’s like the first layer” he just in utter shock seeing you peel your skin, you were giggling as you finally confessed “baby I’m just joking it’s a peel off mask” the whole time you were creasing thinking about his reactions.

Seonghwa

You put the peel off mask on your face chest and arms, you were doing a video talking about you having your ‘monthly shed’, seonghwa slowly walks in seeing you peel your skin and he steps closer to you not knowing what to do or say, his mouth hung open, you look over at him as you peel it off “can you hold this please?” You had apart of your ��skin’ in your hand wanting him to hold it, he steps back still keeping quiet as he just watches you.

Yunho

He walked in on you in the bathroom as you prank him “what are you doing?” I look over at him as I peel it off “my skin is shedding” he looks genuinely interested but also I concerned “why is it doing that?” I look at him with a straight face “it happens every month” he walks closer to you “does it hurt?” I look over at him and I giggle seeing how interested he is with it “no it doesn’t, it’s like dead skin” I say ad I was trynna come up with a lie “oh okay… do you want me to help?”

Yeosang

“Alright guys so unfortunately it’s my monthly shed” He walks pass you as you explain to the camera about your ‘monthly shedding’ he looks over at you after you say the last word “what is on your face…” he walks up to you and looks closer “it’s my monthly shedding” “is that skin?!!” He puts his hand on your face and immediately took it off making you laugh.

San

San walks in and sees you peeling your skin he starts screaming for you acting like he’s the one in pain “what are you doing!” I look over at him still peeling the skin “why are you peeling your skin off!?” “It’s my monthly shed” he repeats what I said still lost and scared for me “yeah I do this every month” “like a SNAKE?!” I look over at him and tilt my head looking at him like ‘are you serious’ “you girls do this every month?!” I nod and he just watches the scared while I peel my skin.

Mingi

He walked in on you taking a peel off mask and looks at you confused “what are you doing?” He looked at you in utter shock, so you decided to prank him “it’s my shedding day” he got scared and walked closer to you “HUH?! ONLY REPTILES SHED” you giggle and look at him “no it happens right after my period” he looked concerned for you “does it hurt? Does it happen to all girls” I smile finding this funny “yeah, some girls get it on their arms and legs too but I only get it on my face, it’s like a new skin.”

Wooyoung

You were both in the car and you had your phone set, he walked in and you peaked the peel off Mask off of your face making it look like you were peeling your skin off, you even put some foundation on it to make it look like real skin, as soon as he walked in he almost fell out of the car “BAE WHAT ARE YOU DOING” “it’s my monthly shedding” he starts shuddering not knowing what to say “W-W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN MONTHY SHEDDING YOU DONT DO THIS” I look at him holding in my laughter, composing myself “don’t act like you don’t know, I do this once a month” “SO YOU’RE A REPTILIAN” I look over at him “are you gonna help me or….” “NO”

Jongho

You were in the bathroom and he walks past you and watched you peel your skin off “is that your skin?” You nod and carry on peeling, he just watched you the whole time smiling but in a disgusted smiley look, you turn over to him and smile “don’t snakes shed their skin?” “Yeah, why?” “Does that make you a snake?” I glare at him and hit his arm and he just laughs and walks away, that’s how you knew for sure that he didn’t fall for the prank.

Masterlist

[secretarysong]

Mayzuketober Day 7: Cats

this one is more of a screen taker-upper but i think both of these are equally important. Number one: i saw a video on tiktok about how cats really like it when people with beards/facial hair nuzzle their hair onto their faces . its apparently because it reminds the cats of when their mama used to groom them. and it had me thinking. i remember reading someone's headcanon that zuke has a cat allergy (and that's why he's more acquainted with reptiles) but i think it'd be really funny if cats gravitated towards him anyway Number two: if elliegator, an alligator, can be blue and purple, does this mean that there is a Possibility that animals in the NSR verse can also be weird colors like the humans are ..??!!! if so, i would imagine that there are a LOT of pet owners with pets the same/similar color as them. There is a red cat lady somewhere with like six cats spanning from orange to violet. ANYWAYS RIGHT This is supposed to be about mayzuke. Errmmm hmm. On the topic of cats. I think there's a candid picture in mayday's camera roll somewhere of zuke stretching his back experimentally via arching on the floor like a cat. Mayday thinks it's the funniest fucking image ever and sometimes she will just send zuke that photo of him to himself out of NOWHERE mid conversation and he has to put his phone down and take a breather every time

[skrunksthatwunk]

the new (accidental) majima family mascot

discoveries + settling in

she won't sit still for the camera :(

headcanons + backstory + closeups below cut:

ok SO basically my idea's that nishida's got a niece or something and she can't keep her snake for whatever reason (i.e. moving in with fiance who's terrified of snakes), so he's taking care of her temporarily. and he's telling the other majima construction boys about this while they're on break and majima overhears and is like no way. ya Gotta let me meet the snake. because he's curious y'know.

he keeps trying to get her to like... do tricks or to feed her snacks and stuff. like c'mere girlie here i smuggled ya some crumbs ;) don't tell nishida okay ;)) but she is Not Interested because that doesn't even register as food to her. he's surprised by how cold she is and how content she is to just sit there most of the time but he kinda gets attached and long story short. majima family office pet.

kinda wonder if she'd be taken hostage at some point. feels like a substory plot.

anyway she's a corn snake so she's pretty low maintenance, and while majima's like >:/ woulda rather we'd gotten a big big fucker i mean look how small her head is >:// it's probably for the best, since most of the family hasn't had to care for a reptile before

some family members are scared of her. majima tells them to suck it up because he's scarier. if they get too fussy he starts sticking their hands in her enclosure just to fuck with them, until he realizes it scares the snake, and then he stops. he still threatens to take their pinkies and feed them to her, though. sometimes he leaves her shed skin at their desks and is like oooohhh she got out again whoooppss watch out she's a biter

he sticks to feeding her thawed frozen mice because that's what nishida and his niece did, but if he'd been on his own he'd probably have pit a live mouse against the snake to keep her strong and on her toes and bc he likes seeing her fight (don't do this btw)

he's very confused about snake anatomy (like. why doesn't she have eyelids?) and did some research and now knows like. wayyy too much about cloacas. which he tells nishida about because it makes him uncomfortable and he finds that funny

he gets really into enclosure decorating for a while, wanting to build her the biggest and coolest thing he can. it's kind of beautiful actually

given the life majima leads, such a low-maintenance animal actually kinda suits him. she needs him, but it's not for much and there's not that strong an emotional element to it on her end. there's a distance to it that lets him feel safer getting stuck on her, and which makes him feel a lot less guilty when he dips for a few days. (though he's sure to send someone around to check on her, he figures she can fend for herself outside of checking water levels and stuff)

also i feel like saejima would like her. mutual sitting there swag (she's not as energetic as majima and not as chill as saejima. in-betweener)

also majima leaves the gross stuff up to his boys, of course.

[unstableforensicscientist]

Okay these are the head cannons I have so far, and yes I will always add more 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Herbert West headcanonnons:

a gay or unlabeled trans man

also aroace

AuDHD

Hates loud noises or bright lights specifically

Clenches his jaw or grates his teeth when he sleeps

Rarely ever remembers to shower but also needs everything around him to be clean

Despises coffee but if he had to drink it, he would either drink it purely black and probably like the bottom of the coffee pot or so much sugar it’s insane

He secretly has a sweet tooth (PLS HEAR ME OUT ON THIS)

Literally only wears suits and will sometimes sleep in them

Doesn’t remember to take care of himself like ever

he loves compression socks (once again just hear me out)

He wears sock garters

smells like either mold/corpses or hand sanitizer, no in between.

he has two different handwriting, one that is like a mix of cursive and his normal in pen, and really shitty writing in pencil.

Rarely would ever care for music but he would occasionally go with classical

LOVES the rain/thunderstorms

Wanted to study archeology when he was younger (I’m projecting)

will go through math equations when he gets bored or stressed

Definitely stims, but specifically hand taps, leg taps, facial movements, and scrunching his hands or opening and closing his hands into a fist shape, or swaying/pacing.

He also Stims by breaking the fuck out of No.2 pencils and sometimes even pens if he’s stressed out/agitated enough

He fidgets with his tie and watch a lot, especially when he’s nervous, it’s one of the only ways you can tell he’s on edge

Either can’t sit still for hours or will be so silent/still you won’t notice he’s there.

Has a collection of encyclopedias that are really fucking old.

Will read fiction on very, and I mean VERY rare occasions. They will most likely be science fiction too.

Gruber was 100% a father figure for him.

Genuinely couldn’t give less of a fuck about your opinion on him unless you say something about his work.

did his own top surgery with perfect performance and had guidance from Gruber

Doesn’t drink much besides water or just well nothing, but will have some tea on occasion.

I also like the idea of him liking 7 up from the cut scene because it’s silly

used to wear socks with fun yet sophisticated designs on them in high school.

He definitely dressed like your average high school nerd when he was younger, suspenders and all.

Used to have glasses that would make his eyes look 10x bigger

His vision is absolute shit without his glasses, basically a male Velma.

also I think it’s silly to say he did ballet when he was younger (reference to the bride commentary)

used to have his hair a bit more shoulder length in high school

literally sleeps with one single pillow and a sheet. Also his bed feels like a rock when you lay on it. (He never fucking sleeps)

actually really enjoys nature and not just in the experimental environment way, but you would have to water board that info out of him.

Genuinely wants some kind of reptile as a pet.

he has so many random facts on the most niche things you could possibly not want know/hear about.

Genuinely likes the color green, but more of a forest green and not bright ass neon.

has gone camping ONCE.

has a specific routine for everything and will breakdown if it doesn’t go accordingly

never ever shows his meltdowns to anyone but himself

Has gone to the psych ward during his time in Switzerland after Grubers death

Doesn’t trust psychiatrists

this one I think is just funny to me but he has tried to read fiction with magic and shit and HATES IT. Read love craft and he had called that man out for his writing and bigotry so many times to Gruber and probably Dan.

Has the most manic laugh/giggle you’ve ever heard

smiles with his teeth if he’s being an asshole, almost like the Cheshire Cat, smiles with his mouth closed in a tight line when he’s sarcastic or annoyed, only has smiled genuinely like twice.

Hates showing emotions, even negative ones. He prefers to seem entirely neutral unless provoked

never looks himself in the mirror

hates going to the barber shop and prefers to cut his own hair

Literally cannot legally drive

Speed walks, he cannot walk at a normal pace ever.

Enjoys puns and jokes but only if he’s the one making them.

Death glares that could kill a man if it were possible.

thinks he’s very clever but sometimes he really is just stupid 🙁

thinks logically but not rationally

His morals are so fucking grey, like he has his lines he won’t ever cross but besides that, he does not give a fuck at all

He sits with his legs crossed or he sits like a bird perched on a branch, no in between

He either really loves or really hates small spaces

loves curling his body into himself or have his chested puffed out really proudly once again, no in between

He has SERIOUS back problems, and has kinda bad posture

He paces so much that it freaks Dan out sometimes

Talks to himself a LOT

If he lets himself relax, he often does crossword puzzles or just reads medical textbooks and highlights the misinformation in them

does actually care for Dan, just has a really hard and shitty way of showing it

Finds the realism art movement very interesting, and did a lot of research on Eakins to understand how to draw anatomy for his subjects

[hippy-pants]

i mean come on. any of these images of him would go hard as fuck stylized on my arm.

i had a dream the other night that I got a tattoo of my turtle on my bicep and tbh I think it was a premonition. I 100% guarantee you the first time the opportunity presents itself i'm doing this

[and-the-flame-burns]

i crave doe sugar and I cannot wait any longer or else Imm going to fucking implode like a pufferfish on steroids

so have some headcannons

every time I hear “midwest gothic” as in reference to the cryptid rule writing of the midwest, I always think of a goth Indiana and/or Illinois. I also headcannon theme as siblings for some reason. So, goth siblings

New York always gives “oversized puffy coat with a scarf that covers his mouth” with that pose where his torso is back and his hands are in his pocket. He feels…. So dramatic. Like he either gives “60 year old man” or “dramatic teenager with spiked makeup” and it’s one or the other.

California gives “lanky bitch” and he’s always a lanky motherfucker with a sleeper build and angel bites. He has top surgery and never wears shirts because he’s “getting his moneys worth” but in reality he just thinks he looks really aesthetically attractive. Btw If you ever become friends with this man he’s going to be the craziest bitch on the block with the exception of Florida and Nevada

Florida has floor length hair or a complete buzzcut that has too many colors in it.

Tank. Tops. Everyday. All day. Florida would rather DIE than wear a regular shirt. He will PERISH before wearing a regular t-shirt. He also bites. In what world does he not bite to some extent

Alaska, I adore him, but he gives shapeshifter abilities and he never appears fully human. If he ever appears somewhat human that man looks bone skinny and like that tall cryptid you’d encounter on a late night walk. I refuse to believe Alaska is anything but a cryptid who’s limbs tint to vanta black. Nobody knows anything about him besides a select 3 and those three are his Auntie, Hawai’i, and Maine

Alaska is pure Cryptid Behavior to me and sometimes he’ll do a little glowy glow in the middle of the night to give some states an unintentional spook. Little guy (he’s on average over 8 ft) is just saying hello

to me, Hawai’i gives “some type of water entity being” and I like the idea of her having a shark tail and generally being a water entity. I think marine animals are cool! Hawai’i is a marine biologist, marine things! She can hang out with the marine things for as long as she wants because she’s partially a some marine animals. We got the gills and lungs so she can breath on both land and in the water and you got the fins and the tail for easy water movements and then the legs for easy land movement

marine lady! You cannot grab this idea from my cold dead hands

ok so Texas now because I’m having a partial fixation on him. He gives “Cowboy Reptile” for some reason. He reminds me of Rango so he gets to have a reptile tail and scales all along his back.

the thought of him having a bit of the “lizard who shoots blood out of it’s eyes” in him is both funny and terrifying. Imagine a lizard man shooting blood out of his eyes. Also that is a very real lizard and it’s called the Horned Lizard

poncho wearing lizard man that rides a horse around and kinda looks like the Local Legend is basically my concept for him

last one, I think

i love the whole “New Jersey being a devil” thing. I adore the concept and him have the wings. Ok so bat wings are basically just hands. All those long little bones are fingers in the wing.

also if he needs to fly, he’d need stability, so a tail and webbing would be required. Also them wings need to be GIGANTIC- if I have the math right, it’s the person’s height x 1.5 = the span of one wing. I headcannon New Jersey to be about 5’0 so one wing would be about 7.5 ft for a total wingspan of 15 feet :D

hahahahah logic stuff and the maths

anyways I got my sugars now to ✨bye✨