#Dracula Daily

[supersillysnake]

on the Demeter, straight up “eating it.” and by it. well, haha, let’s justr say. the entire crew

[scarlet-came-back-wrong]

Yes, this a real thing. Apparently this is a part of the Fucking Classics Series, which are reprints of classic books with the word "fuck" added throughout the text.

Being as Dracula Daily is starting up again in about three days, I think this is a perfect opportunity, as we follow along this year, to play the PG-13 game.

For the unfamiliar, the PG-13 game is as follows: you are allowed to insert one and only one instance of the word "fuck" into the text as written. For maximum impact, where do you put it?

[vamplire]

good evening to everyone deranged over a piece of vampire media

[see-arcane]

It's time.

Nosferatu: Death and the Maiden - "Act 1"

Harker - Chapter 4 - "Travel Fast"

Harker - Chapter 5 - "Welcome"

"The Lady at the Window"

If you want to support me or commission some art, my Ko-Fi is here.

[moodsandtenses]

There's something hilarious about how so much subsequent media has positioned Vampires and Werewolves as, like, binary opposite entities, and then you read Dracula (1897) and realize that wolves are that guy's preferred solution to every problem. You'd say something to Dracula about "ah yes, werewolves, vampires' great eternal enemies," and he'd just be like "you mean my subcontractors?"

[ramblesandrambling]

Please I need someone to explain the bit about Satan’s Witchcraft Academy!

Actual things that happen in the 1897 Dracula novel, without context:

A character has ominous nightmares and attributes them to eating too much paprika

Dracula first appears wearing a fake beard

The person he was trying to fool with the fake beard immediately realizes Dracula and Beard Guy are the same man, due to both having really firm handshakes

We are told parrots are immortal unless fatally wounded

A Texan cowboy opens fire on a bat flitting around a window, and lodges a bullet in the wall of an occupied room

A woman is called a polyandrist for receiving blood transfusions from multiple men

An incorrectly addressed telegram leads to two deaths, multiple druggings, and several children being assaulted

Dracula, while trying to maintain a low profile, takes a lovely trip to the zoo and freaks out the animals so badly that he gets mentioned in a newspaper article

The one character who knows anything about vampires spends a good two-thirds of the book refusing to talk about vampires

Dracula went to Satan's Witchcraft Academy and somehow this is only brought up in two throwaway lines

A character gets stuck inside a circle of communion wafer crumbs

A major plot point of the book is Dracula (who was said to be a brilliant scholar and has the strength of twenty mortal men) realizing he can move boxes without human help

Someone is referred to as "manifestly a prig of the first water"

Two characters have a hobby of reading train schedules

A hospital lets a mental patient escape to see what will happen

A character starts vomiting up feathers from eating whole birds

A doctor refuses to give a medical diagnosis and instead makes a speech about growing corn

Dracula impersonates another character just by wearing the same clothes, despite being taller and visibly much older. This deception is successful.

A character "cleans" a room by eating all the insects in it

Suddenly: rats. Thousands of them.

The heroes progress in their efforts through "the wonderful power of money," i.e., bribery

Dracula has three other vampires in his castle. Their relation to him is never explained, nor are any of them named.

A character insists his salvation depends on having a pet cat

Dracula is thwarted by flowers on more than one occasion

A group of vampires stand in the hall outside a man's bedroom, talking loudly about their plans to eat him. When he comes to the door to confront them, they run away laughing

Dracula wears an unfashionable hat and gets roasted for it

A group of Romanians encounter a disheveled, shouting man and, "seeing from his violent demeanour that he was English, they [give] him a ticket for the furthest station on the way thither that the train reached."

A boat crashes due to Dracula having the munchies

A wolf is thrown through a window and immediately runs off, confused and covered in glass

Dracula makes a bed

[starkidlabs]

Dracula and Jonathan’s Tango - from The Polish National Opera production of ‘Dracula’.

With Choreography by Krzysztof Pastor and Music by Wojciech Kilar.

[stainlesssteellocust]

I’m sat drunk in the beer garden of a rock bar and some chick is happily explaining that “So Jonathan Harker goes to this castle in Transylvania and he doesn’t know he’s in Dracula, right” to a guy who seems totally enthralled and I wish them nothing but the best

[thestuffedalligator]

It is November of 1893. You have just killed a vampire. Exhausted and worn, you close your eyes and rest.

You wake up. It is May of 1893. You are on a train en route to Transylvania. Your diary says you have had queer dreams lately.

You try to believe it.

(An old woman puts a rosary in your hands. You accept it without question.)

You are a guest in a castle you have never been in before (you recognize every hallway and know without trying that every door is locked). Your host is a man you have never met before (you killed him you killed him you killed him he had turned to dust and there was blood on the snow).

One morning you cut yourself while shaving.

There is nobody behind you in the pocket mirror’s reflection.

You turn fast, and the razor is like a Kukri knife in your hand.

[spankerella]

Happy Lizard Fashion Day to those who celebrate.

[mariathechosen1]

[wiliecoyotegenius]

big day today

[nortism]

Tags by @generic-internet-name

I’ve gotten a few comments like this (tho op was polite about it) and I want to be clear I am not shitting on Bram Stoker for not predicting the future of blood transfusions in his novel written in the 1890s. I know the book was scientifically accurate at the time, this post is a joke about how it’s funny knowing what we know now that Bram Stoker seemed to be under the impression that blood transfusions worked based on the power of love

[lauralot89]

if you ever feel incompetent just remember that Dracula was a military leader who graduated from wizard school and yet his best plan to break into a house was to throw a wolf through a window

[500-moths-in-a-trenchcoat]

EVERYONE WISH OUR GOOD FRIEND JONATHAN HARKER SAFE TRAVELS TODAY

[therealraeweber]

Guys. I can feel it already. THIS is the year. This is the year that Jonathan Harker will go on his business trip with no issue. Just a lovely train ride through Europe where he collects paprika recipies for Mina, meets some friendly, living people looking to buy properties in England, and then returns home safely.

Free him from the time loop.