#remember back in ye olde internet days we used to have this social site called iwiw

[galoogamelady]

what's it like being three degrees of separation from adventure time (via tom cardy and bdg's new collab)

Look... @shoomlah talked to me on twitter... it doesn't get cooler than that as an artist!

Also I was privy to that song a while ago. For reasons. <_< It's a good song. A fantastic song, even.

[theladysunami]

@onemillionfurries

#this #also sorry to bring my usual modern web ranting into this but a lot of this culture is brought about by social media #back in the days of forums n personal websites. if you saw something you didnt like you could simply back out and not look there again #but in the modern internet landscape 'dont like dont look' is practically dead #every day you get shit you dont like thrown across your feed either by someone youre following or the algorithm #not to mention that everyone from every corner of the net is now folded into the same 5 websites #meaning that people who would have inhabited completely different forums/webspaces in the past are now using the same sites #and that is a recipe for disaster #social media is also just absolutely awful when it comes to moderation. #with forums someone could get banned for just being a dick. wheras social media has very broad rules that allows a lot to slip through #i remember an ex-tumblr mod recounting about how one time they banned a bunch of TERFs spamming a trans tag with transphobia #but was told to reverse those bans because they werent technically breaking any rules since they werent targeting a specific person #(this is paraphrased and might not be 100% accurate but is essentially what happened) #ANYWAYS long fucking rant short. social media sucks and allows for the toxic fandom culture we have today #the Kurzgesagt video 'The Internet is Worse Than Ever - Now What?' kinda goes over this and touches on a bunch i didnt cover in this ramble #its more aimed towards politics but just replace 'left and right' with whatever two opposing factions you have online #Council of Geeks also did a video called 'Have Fandoms always Been This Toxic?' that I also recommend checking out #again gets to a lot of what I havent talked about in this #so in conclusion #yes people shouldnt be harrassing others for playing with their toys differently #but also the reason fandom has gotten so bad in the past decade is because of systemic issues and not just. #everyone one day suddenly deciding to be mean to eachother for no reason other than they felt like it #sorry for flooding ur tags op my followers are used to this shit by now #lab notes #old man yells at the cloud

"Wah, why aren't fandoms fun anymore?"

Because you keep policing people's headcanons, making fun of them and calling them horrible things, and on top of that, you're somehow claiming to be a safe space for people to express their creativity, yet turning around and harassing them anyways because you've made a billion exceptions to the "don't police people" rule and you think, like everyone else who's made their own exceptions, that your exceptions justify harassment.

So you're making fandom into a field of rat traps where nobody even dares interact with anyone, or shares art anymore, because you still might just attack them for it because they did something as simple as writing a canonically soft character as... a softie.

Let people do their "cringe" y/a romances, let people do their "gross" ships, let people write those characters as jerks or softies. Let them, and mean it when you say you'll let them, instead of soapboxing about it in a patronizing post but not really meaning what you're soapboxing about.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

i’ve been poking around the internet reading the original jurassic park screenplays for fun, and i’d like to make an official callout post for the jurassic park iii script for being EVEN MORE RUINOUS than what appears onscreen. 

evidence beneath the cut, especially egregious moments bolded very dramatically by yours truly--

CHILD (O.S.)

RRRRROW! GRRRRRR!

WINDER TO REVEAL -

CHARLIE, a three-year old boy, plays in a sandbox with his favorite toy dinosaurs. ALAN GRANT squats next to him and watches with great delight.

ELLIE SATLER stands over them, an INFANT in her arms -- a picture of the perfect family.

GRANT Oh, actually, Charlie, those two are herbivores. They wouldn't be interested in fighting each other. But these... (picking up two other dinosaurs) See, these are carnivores. And this one here -- see its claws -- this one here uses its claws to gouge at the throat of its opponent…

As Grant demonstrates with some GRUNT and GROANS of his own, he only succeeds in frightening the boy.

ELLIE (interrupting) Uh, Alan?

GRANT Hmm?

ELLIE He's three. Why don't you wait till he's a little older?

GRANT Oh, right. (back to Charlie) Happy dinosaurs.

He bounces them along the sandbox edge.

Then, the sound of a CAR ENGINE turning off and a door SLAMMING is heard.

ELLIE That must be Mark. (calling out) Mark, we’re back here!

Ellie and Grant turn to see --

MARK DEGLER coming through the gate carrying a briefcase. He's their age, handsome but not annoyingly so [lol, what a description], with a friendly, balance demeanor.

He and Ellie kiss tenderly on the lips.

ELLIE (CONT'D) Good day?

MARK Keeping the world safe. (re: baby) Here, let me take her.

Ellie hands off the baby.

ELLIE Mark, this is Alan Grant.

MARK Nice to meet you, Alan. I've heard a lot about you.

The two men shake hands, and we now realize it is Grant who is the stranger in this household. Little Charlie runs to his father, showing his dinosaur.

CHARLIE Daddy, this is a herbabore.

Grant smiles uncomfortably, a third wheel.

***

WINDEN to a PARROT in a large cage. Grant is teasing the bird with a cookie, holding a it just out of reach.

GRANT What's my name? Come on, Jack, say it. Is my name Alan? Say my name.

The bird doesn't respond.

GRANT (CONT'D) He used to know me. [sob!!!!!]

ELLIE Sorry, Alan it's been six years.

Grant shrugs, gives Jack the cookie, and heads towards the table. The three adults are finishing their dessert and coffee. The The children have been out to bed.

An awkward moment of silence. Uncomfortable smiles. Then --

MARK More coffee?

ELLIE (relived) Yes. Great.

Mark stands and collects their cups.

ELLIE (CONT'D) So, Mark's working at the State Department now.

GRANT Really? (To Mark) What do you do there?

MARK (with mock bravado) I could tell you about it, but than I'd have to kill you.

GRANT Indeed.

Mark smiles, nodding. Then he goes into the kitchen. Another uncomfortable silence.

ELLIE So what are you working on now?

GRANT We have a new site in Montana. At least until the money runs out.

ELLIE Anything good?

GRANT Raptors, mostly.

ELLIE My favorite.

Grant leans forward, realizing Ellie's one of the few people he can talk to about this.

GRANT You remember the sounds they made?

ELLIE I try not to.

GRANT We've done cranial scans, and raptors actually had a quite sophisticated resonating chamber. I have a theory that their ability to vocalize is the key to their social intelligence. The way they can work together as a team.

ELLIE You think they could talk to each other?

GRANT To a degree we never imagined.

And from the cage in the corner of the room...

JACK Bullshit!

Both look back at the parrot. ELLIE smiles.

ELLIE You taught him that.

***

6 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT 6

Ellie and Grant head toward the rental car parked in the driveway.

ELLIE Good luck with the fund raising.

GRANT It was never easy, but before Jurassic Park, you could find money. Somewhere. Now fossils are out. Everyone wants to see a real live dinosaur.

ELLIE Times change Alan. But you're the still the best. I mean that.

GRANT The last of my breed.

A long moment passes between them as both consider where they've ended up.

GRANT (CONT'D) I'd better get going.

ELLIE Let me know if I can help, Alan. You’re bad about asking for help, but please ask me. Anything, anytime. [sob!!!!!!]

GRANT (deep down knowing he never will) Okay. Goodbye, Ellie.

ELLIE Goodbye, Alan.

Not sure what the right thing to do is, they finally end up with a friendly hug. They keep it short.

Grant gets in his car. Starts the ENGINE.

He's about to pull off when Ellie knocks on the window. He rolls it down.

ELLIE (CONT'D) When I met you, I thought that one day millions of years ago, all the dinosaurs became extinct. Wiped out. But you told me otherwise. When conditions changed, dinosaurs changed. They became other things. They evolved.

GRANT A well-accepted theory.

ELLIE (simply) Alan don't be afraid to evolve.

Grant hears her, but Ellie knows it didn't really get through. A forced half-smile, than Grant waves goodbye.

Ellie watches as he drives off.

***

ERIC The lady you called, how do you know she can help us?

GRANT She's the one person I could always count on. And she's saved me more times than she realizes. I owe her everything.

A long beat as they walk.

GRANT (CONT'D) It's strikes me now I never told her that.

ERIC You should.

GRANT You're right.

[oh my god, is that alan EVOLVING? does this movie end on the vague suggestion that alan is going to shoot his shot and try to bust up ellie’s marriage? ... i know probably not. but MAYBE. also, i’m really glad that the movie added the “god bless you, ellie” line w/ all the world’s love in it.]

[crazy-loca-blog]

Hola preciosa! Here are this week's questions for Ethan and Casey!

Note: Once again, this week’s round focuses on photos! Dialogue is entirely optional, though for some of these, it’d be fun to know the story behind the pictures ;) Tumblr mobile only allows 10 picture uploads (there are 10 questions), so collages are highly encouraged! Otherwise, the non-beta version of Tumblr desktop will allow more than ten.

Have fun!

For MC

Favorite childhood photo of Ethan

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Contact name and photo for Ethan

Top three photo results when you Google Ethan

First picture of or with him that you uploaded to social media

For Ethan

Favorite childhood photo of your spouse

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Contact name and photo for your spouse

Top three photo results when you Google your spouse

First picture you ever took of or with your spouse

*Credit to the anon who sent me the first three questions!

Masterlist

Casey: Babe, Bree sent us some new questions! Hurry up, we've been so busy that it's now or never, now we have time to answer them all!

Ethan: Oh, it's that time of the week again... should I be prepared for you to embarrass me again?

Casey: Maaaaybe... let's see...

Ethan: Just remember to choose your words wisely, honey... I may always strike back...

For Casey:

Favorite childhood photo of Ethan

Ethan: Casey...

Casey: *with a mischievous smile* What?

Ethan: Don't you dare...

Casey: *with a mischievous smile* What?

Ethan: You know what...

Casey: Nah... don't worry... I won't embarrass you by showing our audience a picture where you're making out with a teddy bear...

Ethan: *blushing* 30 seconds and you did it... how embarrasing... for the record, I was playing doctors and decided to practice CPR on my teddy bear, I don't know why Casey and my dad insist on that making out thing...

Casey: Sure, sweetie... well, Alan sent me this one a while ago and it's definitely one of my favorites. It reminds me of that time when I heard Ethan talking to Mrs. Martinez about how he was "a lovable scoundrel who got away with everything"... that's exactly how I imagine his face after being caught making mischieves...

Ethan: *smiling* I won't even try to rebate you... you're so right this time...

Casey: What do you mean with "this time"? You should know by now that your wife is always right...

Ethan: That's debatable, but whatever you say, dear...

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Casey: I could have a hundred different pictures of my hot husband... but then I remember that I work at a hospital and my phone can be seen by a lot of people... so I have no choice but to keep things PG...

Ethan: I'm also your boss... it would definitely be a problem...

Casey: Don't worry, I have my ways to show off my husband...

Ethan: Now I'm scared to ask... but tell me...

Casey: It's easy... every time a person sees my phone and they ask me if you're my boyfriend, I show them my ring and then tell them "he's actually my husband"... 💅

Ethan: *laughing* Why do I find this so embarrassing but at the same time I feel that have to see it?

Contact name and photo for Ethan

Casey: Again... we really have to keep things professional because of the job... but that doesn't mean that we can't play with our ringtones... *wink*

Ethan: I have to admit that it was a smart idea... when did you take that picture?

Casey: It was one of those days where you weren't on a "photo mood", which, for the record, is almost every day. For some reason, it worked and I liked it...

Top three photo results when you Google Ethan

Casey: OK, there's no way that I'm winning this round...

Ethan: Why?

Casey: Are you serious? Ethan, you have a picture with prince Charles! How am I supposed to top that? All of my pictures in Google are taken from the Edenbrook site!

Ethan: Wait... do you google yourself?

Casey: Of course I do! Don't you?

Ethan: No, why would I do that? You know I think the Internet is a scary place

Casey: I don't know... curiosity...

Ethan: Then why did you never google me before being accepted at Edenbrook or during medical school?

Casey: I already told you, I wanted the knowledge to do all the talking... and OMG you're just so handsome that I don't know if I could have been able to focus on the medicine... so apparently my original plan worked...

Ethan: *smiling* I think it did...

Casey: Anyway, what surprises me about the picture in black and white is not the fact that they wanted to use you as a model for the Edenbrook site because just look at yourself babe, but the fact that you actually agreed to do it!

Ethan: I had no choice... they said something about representing the hospital...

Casey: *smiling* That's what I thought... and the third one is from Harvard, you went there to talk to the students and you asked me to go with you "to represent the diagnostics team"... back then you had some funny ways to ask me to go on a date with you...

Ethan: But this wasn't a date, it was a professional activity... but I might have wanted you to be there with me because I wanted to spend time with you...

Casey: *feeling victorious* Yes! You finally admitted it! Is this being recorded?

First picture of or with him that you uploaded to social media

Casey: Let's say that this picture is... "complicated"... look at it, even the text is so awkward! I wish I had a better first picture...

Ethan: Agreed... we weren't at our best there...

Casey: Yeah... it was taken at the Harvard activity, during the time that someone *looks at Ethan* decided that we needed to "reset" our relationship because my professional developement was more important...

Ethan: I don't know what was I thinking...

Casey: Oh, I know... I'm in peace with that decision though, after seeing things in retrospective I think I was able to understand why you did it...

Ethan: *surprised* You did?

Casey: Yeah... you did it because you cared about me... the only problem is that it didn't work... *smiling*... I ended up falling more for you... no regrets, though...

Ethan: *kissing her cheek* No regrets from me either...

Casey: If you ask me, I prefer the one where I made our relationship Pictagram official, but I don't want to cheat... even though the fact that no one was actually surprised made me wonder how subtle we really were before making our relationship public...

Ethan: Agreed...

~~*~~*~~

For Ethan:

Favorite childhood photo of Casey

Ethan: Now I need you to explain me a few things here...

Casey: *surprised* OMG, how did you get this picture?

Ethan: I happen to have a very good relationship with your brother... he said he found it in one of your grandmother's photo albums, but he didn't tell me the story behind it... what were you doing here?

Casey: *smiling* It was some Halloween, I don't remember if we were 4 or 5 years old, but I remember we didn't have money to buy new customes, so we told mom and dad not to worry about it and dressed up with whatever we found at home...

Ethan: *smiling* And that included some panties in your head?

Casey: *smiling* Hey! I thought they were a cool hat!

Ethan: By the way, when were you going to tell me that your hair was curly... and... were you blonde?

Casey: My hair changed a lot over the years, and I just lost both, the curls and the lighter tone... why is that even important?

Ethan: *smiling* I don't want to think that they gave us the wrong baby at the hospital if they happen to be blonde...

Casey: *choking on her water* Wait, why are we talking about babies now? I thought they weren't in the cards for us...

Ethan: *smiling* We both have changed our minds so many times throughout our relationship... I might have changed my mind about this...

Casey: *surprised* Now we do need to have some serious talk after this...

What’s your phone wallpaper image?

Ethan: My gorgeous wife in our honeymoon...

Casey: You're a fan of my photos with little to no makeup...

Ethan: I am... I don't even know why you buy makeup, you don't need it...

Casey: The bags under my eyes say otherwise... I appreciate the compliments, though... *winks*

Contact name and photo for Casey

Ethan: She's the one who added the hearts... and the one who changed her name from "Casey" to "Wifey"...

Casey: Of course I did! Do you know that in case of an emergency these emojis are super useful, because they make your name to appear at the very beginning of your contact list?

Ethan: Of course I know it... but if that's your excuse for adding the hearts, then you should have kept your name, they won't know who they are calling to...

Casey: Of course they'll know! They'll be calling your wifey! 💅

Top three photo results when you Google Casey

Casey: See? Boring...

Ethan: What are you talking about? I remember each and every one of these pictures and they all make me feel incredibly proud, both as your mentor and as your husband...

Casey: *blushing* You're making me blush!

Ethan: It's the truth, they only show accomplishments... the first picture, the one where you're in black, is your official picture as an attending and head of the diagnostics team at the Edenbrook site... the second one, the one where you're wearing a blouse, is from your first day as head of the team... you look so happy and empowered, so ready to take the world by storm... and in the last one you are giving a speech to nurses in London as part of the collaboration between some American hospitals and the British NHS...

Casey: True, that trip explains your picture with the prince, too. Care to elaborate why there was only the two of us there? I don't want our audience to think that we were on some type of paid honeymoon before getting married...

Ethan: They won't think that...

Casey: Trust me, they will...

Ethan: *laughing* They didn't even know it was just the two of us there until you mentioned it!

First picture you ever took of or with Casey

Ethan: That's easy... this one...

Casey: *surprised* I remember this one! I can't believe you kept it!

Ethan: Why would I delete it? You look beautiful!

Casey: I don't know... maybe because I asked you to take me this picture as a favor... back then we didn't even know we had feelings for each other! I was just an intern and you were my mentor!

Ethan: I remember it... we were at Donahue's discussing some things on Naveen's case, and while we were waiting for Reggie to bring us our drinks, you said you liked the light and wanted me to take you a picture for your Pictagram... but your battery was dead...

Casey: Don't lie, babe... I wanted to have a picture with you for my Pictagram, but you refused because we were in the middle of the competition for the spot in the team... but you agreed to take me a picture... wait... did you have feelings for me back then?

Ethan: I don't know, I think I was developing some feelings but I was very confused...

Casey: Wow, I can relate because I most probably felt the same way about you, but I'm surprised!

Ethan: Well, that's it for this week... we had a very good time...

Casey: You've surprised me this time, Ramsey... especially with the first and the last pictures, I swear I had no idea that you had them... it was a rollercoster of emotions... thank you, Bree!!!

---

Gracias guapísima!!! I have so much work this week that this was a very much needed break... loved it!!!

[itsuki-minamy]

MEMORY STORIES: SOME SUMMER’S DAY

* Projects & Chapters

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

"I want to go see Sissy at Lake Shimori!"

Suddenly, Kusanagi told Totsuka Tatara that he had said so.

"Okay. During that time, I suffered serious injuries and was released from the hospital."

Saying that with a scared face, Suoh,

"I don't like traveling. What is Sissy?"

He coughed softly. The three were still drinking ramune in the pre-business bar "HOMRA". Outside was in the scorching sun. The people passing by the window were sweating and looked clean. Totsuka and his friends were sweating at street basketball until a while ago, but it was so hot that they came back here, took a light shower, and then chilled in the fridge.

Summer vacation had just begun. The road ahead was open to the ocean.

"It has been a hot topic on the internet right now."

Totsuka showed them a site with the Sissy sightings on his PDA. Kusanagi turned his eyebrows as he yawned, and Suoh made a yawn that seemed uninteresting.

"That's it, it's a travel target."

Then Totsuka took out paper maps, guides, etc. and persuaded the two elders.

"Hey, come on, King. Kusanagi-san. Anyway, you guys are free during the summer holidays, right?"

It was possible for him to go alone if he had a free-spirited father, was 14 years old, and had the personality of a free man, but he definitely wanted to travel with Suoh and Kusanagi.

"What do you think, Mikoto?"

When Kusanagi asked Suoh for confirmation,

"Well, I'm sure I have nothing to do in particular, as he says. Do you want to go?"

Suoh said with a laugh.

Unusually, Totsuka was in a gutsy pose.

Then, three days later, the three of them set out for Lake Shimori, which is located in the unexplored region of northern Japan. To save money, they used a conventional line instead of the Shinkansen, switched to a local line at the terminal station where the prefectural office is located, and by the time they reached the station closest to Lake Shimori, it was already dark.

All three had simple camping equipment, so they obtained permission from a nearby store and opened the tent in a corner of the parking lot. They had a satisfying dinner Totsuka made ahead of time, seaweed, salmon rice balls, tea and other store-bought drinks, and the instant miso soup that was boiled on the stove.

The next day, the three people who had slept well in the tent removed the tent and headed to the bus stop to catch the route bus heading to Shimori, but they faced the shocking fact there. Approximately two months before the decrease in users, the bus was suspended.

"It cannot be helped."

"We will walk."

"Oh."

The three began to walk towards their destination about 15 kilometers in a relaxed manner. At first everything was going well, but on the way, Totsuka tended to be late. He kept smiling, but his feet were beginning to sway. Kusanagi was concerned that he might have suffered a heat stroke because the sun was still shining, and when he screamed, it was the right time.

"What happened? Where are you going?"

The minivan stopped and a well-tanned man in a shirt leaned out of the open window of the driver's seat and called out to them. The man laughed when he heard fate.

"It's my destination. It's a bit off the delivery route, but if you help me download the item, I'll take you."

That said. The three decided to board the vehicle and accept the proposal to help.

Totsuka was in the passenger seat, Kusanagi and Suoh were in the back seat, and after unloading cardboard boxes full of soft drinks in about two places (Suoh and Kusanagi mainly worked to put Totsuka to rest), they reached Lake Shimori. It was a small lake with an impressive light blue surface.

The wind across the water's surface was comfortable for sweaty skin. He imagines there would be other crazy visitors because it was talked about on social media, but it's probably too remote. From what he could see, there was no one. When the man was leaving, he told him.

"There is a cabin that I usually use for fishing a short distance from here, so you can use it freely for a few days."

He gave him an old key and a business card from the office where the man works. The man said the keys could be delivered or mailed on the way home.

"This…"

Kusanagi asked the man without hiding any caution.

"Why are you doing all this?"

By the way, Totsuka was immediately walking along the shore of the lake with a smile, and Suoh sat a bit far away and looked up at the sky.

The man changed his face.

"I used to hang out with friends like you and travel badly all over Japan and got help from various adults. I will never forget those days. So afterwards I tried to become an adult like that too."

Then he adds.

"I was born and raised around here, and I've been fishing this lake for about 20 years, but I've never seen Sissy."

The man finally laughed, and started the car's engine. Kusanagi smiled bitterly.

"What happened after that?"

Anna asked Kusanagi.

"Ah, after that, I'm not sure. Totsuka was unusually ill and fell asleep, and from the next day the weather broke and it rained a lot, and in the end we were stuck in the cabin until the day we planned to return. I think it was too tense when Totsuka was sick."

The two were talking while drinking ramune in "HOMRA". Kusanagi had just arrived in Tokyo for a summer vacation, but he had just loaned some money to a duo of local high school students who were lost because their wallets had been stolen. The duo bowed and left quickly because they were worried they would be ripped apart.

And…

"Izumo, you are kind."

Kusanagi said in response to Anna's comment.

"Well, I'm afraid I'll follow the old man a bit. I want to be nice to young people who travel."

Anna said,

"Yes. I envy you a little."

He coughed a little.

"I would also like to take a trip like Mikoto and Tatara."

Kusanagi was silent. This bar is the same as it was then. However…

Now they are gone.

Still, remember the heat of summer when he points to the future without thinking of the clear blue sky and the weather like that idiot.

Anna suddenly smiled.

"So, what happened to Sissy after all?"

"Ah."

Actually, in the morning dew, only Kusanagi who got up to go to the bathroom saw a large shadow looking over the surface of the lake, but he always decided that something was wrong and kept it only on his chest.

"Anna. Why don't you go with Yata-chan to see him again someday? Shimori Lake. I want to see that old man again."

Anna smiled as hard as she could.

"Yes."

[yessoupy]

the @imetyouonljpodcast episode this week gave me lots of thoughts and feelings about star wars. more like, reminded me of all my thoughts and feelings around my first fandom. thus, I decided to write my own journey into and throughout star wars fandom, and what it means to me. buckle up, this story spans decades.

my very first memory of anything star wars-related is a yoda puppet that my grandmother had. it had to be from the original run of the movies, because I was maybe 4 in my first memory of it, and i was born in '86. my sisters and I loved it, and one of our cousins was deathly scared of it so we'd chase him around the house with it.

my second memory of star wars was going to the movie store with my dad and sisters and seeing our favorite yoda on the cover of a VHS. "yoda yoda yoda! daddy, it's yoda!!! can we get it?" we were holding up the display cover for return of the jedi. dad said no, we couldn't get that one yet because we had to watch them in order. so we rented a new hope and all I remember was falling asleep while artoo and threepio were trundling across the tatooine desert sands. at five I guess I was too young.

in early 1997 the special editions of the original trilogy were aired in theaters and I was in 4th grade. dad took us to see one of them (I think empire, at some point we'd finally finished a new hope). at school that grading period I sat next to a boy named mark and he noticed I was drawing little x-wing silhouettes on my paper. "you like star wars too?" he asked. when I said yes, he declared that because of my name, he was going to call me skywalker. that's the name on the back of my high school letter jacket.

in fall of 1998 I started the 6th grade and I came home from school one day to a hardbound book my mom had checked out for me from the library. heir to the empire by timothy zahn. mom pointed out where it said on the cover it was a trilogy, and I could get the other books when I finished this one. she hadn't found the young jedi knights series for me. she'd checked out a GROWN-UP star wars book.

in spring of 1999 the phantom menace came out and my parents' friend took me to see it on opening day because neither of them were free and I HAD to go that day. later on that year she took me to a star wars exhibit at the museum of fine arts. that was also the first time I saw a monet and a renoir. the exhibit had costumes (real costumes!!!) from the original trilogy and the newest prequel. I bought a book about the myth of star wars in the museum gift shop.

I read every expanded universe book our local library had, which was a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, too, since heir to the empire had been published in 1992. you never saw me at school without a star wars book. I read while walking in the hallways, even. in 6th grade I read during lunch, since I was in varsity orchestra with 7th and 8th graders and was terribly shy. they'd tell me I should socialize at lunch, not read my books, but... I wanted to read. I had a lot to learn. I have a lot to know.

I was in 7th grade when I read vector prime, the first in the new series. my first class of the day was science, and the boy I had a crush on was in that class. we had DEAR time at the beginning of that class - drop everything and read. not a hardship for me. that day, I read the part of the book where chewbacca was killed. I looked up, astonished. heartbroken. I locked eyes with the boy I liked. he nodded at the book and I showed him the cover. he nodded sympathetically. "they killed chewie," I whispered. he said "I know."

I wrote original characters in star wars fan fiction when I was about 13. I had an internet friend named rachel who lived in brisbane. then there was dave and 'roswell' who gave me ideas for my story. I loved being able to talk about the wide world of star wars with other people. we used aol instant messenger and email. my username in those days had 'skywalker' in it. I am pretty sure we met in an aol chatroom. I didn't find much of use on the official star wars site and I have probably visited it fewer than 10 times since 1999.

I read those books all through middle and high school. they were my christmas presents and my birthday presents. I moved into our family beach house after college. it sounds really nice but I didn't have running water because it was the summer after Ike hit. I would go to the used book store on 23rd street and buy a stack of star wars books and read them while I waiting for calls to interview for a teaching position. weekends I'd go into town to stay at a friend's house and help her with wedding stuff. I'd shower there, too. that's where my new stash of star wars books started, with me catching up on the legacy of the force series I hadn't read in college and then finishing up through the fate of the jedi as those came out. I felt that I had grown up with these characters. I remembered when kyp was just an orphan han rescued, when jacen and jaina were five years old, when corran horn had no wife, no kids, and was just finding out who his family was. I had capital o opinions about what color lightsaber i would have and why (silver; bc corran), I knew the geography of the galaxy and where everyone was from and my favorite planet was dathomir because women ruled it. I knew all of these characters' histories and motivations and the difficult decisions they'd made and had to live with. I loved them.

i never ventured into the online fandom space for star wars, even after I'd found other online fandom spaces, because I didn't feel like there was anything anyone could add to it for me. I was satisfied with all I'd gotten. sure, favorite characters had been killed (after chewie, the one who stung most was Mara, luke's wife), but people die. and in such a long-running series spanning so many years and trillions of miles of space... you come to expect it.

people would ask me ALL THE TIME when the sequels were coming out and I said never. then, disney bought star wars. initially I was excited (tears of joy happy) to have sequels confirmed. my mind raced, imagining a trilogy centered on the events surrounding jacen's descent to the dark side. the original actors would be the right age for that. who could play jacen?

then, the announcement came that the canon was now 'legends' and they wouldn't be taking any of it into account when writing the sequels BUT that didn't mean we wouldn't see old canon favorites. they announced adam driver as the villain and I thought "jacen." I held onto the idea that this knowledge I had, these years of knowing these stories, would still be worth something. that I'd be able to add new information to my mental bookshelves and maps. that my universe would expand further.

the force awakens was a bitter disappointment. I was upset from the crawl, leia's title making it clear to me that she wasn't chief of state, she wasn't the mother to three children, han wasn't her husband, and all of her history I'd grown to love really was gone. what I saw was the older version of a woman I'd met when she was 18 and hadn't seen her since her early twenties. I didn't know her.

I didn't know the galaxy, either. starting with the new jedi order series, a map of the galaxy was included in the front of each book with the planets named so you knew where everything was happening. the new galaxy was bare. it was small and knowable. while the hosnian prime system was destroyed in the movie, I'd never known it, and all the planets I DID know were similarly blasted out of memory. where was dathomir and its fierce warrior witches? if their planets were gone so were their people.

as the movie trudged on, a retelling of a new hope, I kept thinking, "at least let his name be jacen." I hung my hopes on this sith character being han and leia's son and sharing that name of the boy I'd known and the man who'd grown up to turn to the dark side. at that first shout of 'BEN!' I was angry. Ben?? that was the name of LUKE'S son! that was MARA'S child! Ben??? with three letters jacen solo and ben skywalker were also dead to the galaxy.

I know, I know. I should get over it. I AM thankful for poe dameron. the x-wing books were always my favorite. poe was familiar to me the way other new characters weren't. he was part of the new republic navy. I knew what that was. he flew an x-wing. I knew what that was.l and what company manufactured them. he was from yavin IV, I knew where that was and what it looked like. finn was a stormtrooper, yes, but the empire had not stolen children to be raised as stormtroopers. they were recruited like any other position. his story wasn't real to me, it wasn't something I could easily accept. and the idea that the new republic just LET the first order rise? leia's new republic would NEVER. but leia wasn't chief of state in this universe. leia hadn't had that power.

I read a lot of articles about the force awakens and the reactions to it, and never saw myself in any of them. the star wars fanboys whom I'd never known were painted as being angry because their fan knowledge was useless and "boo-hoo poor widdle fanboys" they would be mocked, rightfully. but that's why I was angry, ultimately. everyone I knew and loved was dead. worse, they'd never existed. "what do you think will happen?" some unsuspecting coworker would ask. I'd shrug, but inside I was yelling "who the fuck knows! my favorite characters don't exist anymore. nothing I know as this person you know as SKYWALKER means anything anymore."

it only got worse from there. One day I spent four hours figuring out how far the casino planet was from the drifting ships in the last jedi and doing math to figure out how long it would REALLY take to get there, using old canon star wars physics. I couldn't suspend my disbelief during that movie. everything was wrong. (the other space physics quibble I had was from TFA when poe is using comms while in hyperspace, and dropping out on a command and not... when nav told him to?? you'd fly right through a star!! were they HOVERING in hyperspace? none of it made sense.) I knew too much and too little to enjoy it.

TROS was a narrative mess already retconning new canon and I decided that I would only keep what I liked about the new canon (poe and his family) and pretend the old canon is all there is. one day I'll write the story of poe being part of the storied rogue squadron being sent by leia's new republic to put down the fascist upstarts at the edge of the unknown regions. one day.

one more quick story -- i met my college friend’s three kids for the first time when the oldest was 6. i’d sent a toy lightsaber as a gift when he was born, because i believe every child should get their first lightsaber from a skywalker, and his father had shown him the movies when he turned 4. when i walked into the house i said hello and he said, “i have some questions about star wars.”

we sat on the couch with the tfa visual dictionary, a book he’d gotten out of the library. every question he had was an excellent question, and i couldn’t answer any of them. “why does his lightsaber look like that? and why does he have the extra blades?” 

“well, kiddo, let’s see what it says here about how lightsabers are made. i used to know all about it, but they changed everything on me.”

---

what i love about star wars since disney bought it:

poe dameron, cassian andor (and all of rogue one, i got over the fact that the movie wouldn’t be about rogue squadron it was PERFECT), solo (a fucking DELIGHT), the mandalorian, and i’m sure the cassian andor live action will be amazing and i’ll love it. 

[gowns]

i was just gifted a pair of skechers sneakers from a “buy nothing” facebook group and the design of them reminded me of a strange memory...

when i was 10-12 years old i was obsessed with this site called bolt.com, which i’m sure some of you must remember. it was like very early proto-social-media... it wasn’t a forum, it wasn’t an AOL chatroom, but it was something kind of in-between. you could have a profile and ask questions and make surveys and then go to other people’s profiles and answer their surveys. this was tremendously novel and exciting to me as a kid -- you could get tiny avatars or badges for different kinds of bolt.com interactions! and it was also, quite obviously, something that was engineered to “look” like a fun internet activity for teens, when it was actually all set up to collect information for brands.

basically what social media still does today, right!

but again, imagine being 10 or 11 years old, still using dial-up... windows 95... clackety mechanical keyboard... coming home from school and logging onto bolt.com, seeing what all these fabulous internet strangers were saying to each other, crafting witty responses and posting and waiting for more interaction, maybe even some of those coveted little badges...

one day i responded to a survey about shoes... some kind of innocuous question like “do you like cool shoes?” and i had some kind of innocuous answer like “hell yeah i do!” and i got a message from someone saying they were a representative from nike, and they would like to send me a pair of brand new nikes as a part of their consumer testing.

now, i was lower-middle-class, perhaps even, i’m realizing more and more as i get older, lower class... i got my clothes second-hand from my cousin or walmart. on my birthday i got to go with my grandma to limited too or claire’s and pick a thing. but up until this point, i had never had any kind of interaction with a name-brand thing.

so i was like, yes!!! send me these brand new nikes!

and i got em about 2 weeks later. my mom was utterly perplexed. “who is sending you packages? where did you get these shoes? are you putting our address on the internet?” i pleaded ignorance -- “no, i have no idea where these came from! but hey, free shoes!” and my mom accepted it, somehow

i ran upstairs and put them on... and i realized... that these shoes were too cool for me to wear. they were really out there. bright orange and teal with big bold white swooshes. they were like, basketball star shoes. could i wear them with my walmart bootcut jeans...? could i wear them with the hand-me-down prairie dress...? would they work with my gym shorts, even? could i wear them during PE... or would these shoes just draw attention to me? highlighting the hobbit who sat in the bleachers every PE period, pretending like i already “did” the sport when everyone could tell i didn’t but whatever who cares we all live in the desert and we all know these children have no futures

no... no, those shoes were not for me... “not now,” i thought, “but maybe one day i will have an outfit that matches, or maybe one day i will play a sport, do something fancy where i need to wear something expensive...”

and i put those sneakers in the back of my closet

over the years, i have forgotten so many things... but i still remember this... like finding a sword in a lake then sheepishly putting it back. and every time i think about it it’s like, yes, it was garish and probably tacky, and all a part of a marketing campaign, but the potential that it had... a window into another life, another possible way of being... bright orange and teal sneakers with bright white swooshes on the side... 

[acatfishconfession]

Chapter 1: Who am I?

If someone - anyone, had bothered to ask me (other than my elementary school teachers) where I could see myself at age twenty-nine, pushing thirty. It sure as fuck wouldn’t be here.

“Where is ‘here’, exactly?”   Here, is sitting in a broke down computer chair. Listening to sad instrumentals on YouTube auto-play while I sip my Dunkin refresher, binge eat munchkin donut holes and cry over my laptop keyboard.

I wish I could say that was the worst of it. Truly,  I do. But the real depth of it - the most heinous and offensive thing of all that I am doing right now is why I am here and writing this with my D.D. and emotional bullshit.  

Most of my time is currently occupied flipping between five fake Instagram accounts, three fake Facebooks, two fake Twitter accounts, a fake Tinder, a fake Bumble, and my three personal accounts on social media where I’ve already lined up my next potential ‘mask’. Which is what I like to call the unwitting victims of image theft.

That’s right, world. 

I am an online catfish.

Hate me. Hate me as much as I do.

I keep hoping that maybe if I feel enough of it - it will somehow trick the overly sensitive, non-confrontational, and social anxiety-riddled side of me into once and for all stopping this madness. Or at least making me feel guilty enough to just want this be over - in whatever way this sort of insanity can end once and for all.

I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit considering the two ways it most likely will. As well as the one that I don’t dare to even mention because it’s as foolish and more unlikely than any other.

The two main ways it will likely end are death or prison. The likelihood of death being by my own hand though, is slim. Not impossible, but most definitely unlikely. Purely for the fact that I am without doubt, the biggest pussy I know. Hell, most of my tattoos were just a means to try and impress friends. Which sucks even more now because I hate damn near all of the friends I wanted and equally the tattoos that I have. 

Still not sure if it’s because I hate the tattoo artist that did them or just their artwork in general. Either way, there it is. I’m a pussy. If you were concerned for a moment that I might kill myself and by partisan obligate you to contact someone for help - you can relax now. 

No. If I die it will most likely be homicide via crime of passion. I am fully aware that I may inevitably piss off the wrong person in my catfishing ventures, and end up at the bottom of a river somewhere. But that would probably be good old karma just doing what she’s best at. After all... When you play a dangerous game with emotions, those emotions can become the most volatile weapon anyone can wield. Especially when they are tested and toyed with enough.  As for prison... Well... I know there are many legal actions people can take in regard to how their photos are used and what is said about them. How they are portrayed by others online or otherwise falls under the realm of slander - if I’m not mistaken. Not entirely sure if we can call it genuine identity theft. I’m pretty sure the entire point of being a catfishing is to work in a lucrative enough way to which the content owners will be forever (or at least prolongingly) never the wiser to what you’re doing. So you change things like name, locations, ages, birthdays, etc. Avoid them and their circle of friends with prejudice. I don’t just mean ‘don’t send them friend requests’ or ‘don’t check their pages’. 

If you’re good at catfishing (if one even call the level of depravity you have to hit to do it well ‘good’), you pull out all the stops. Finding all of their accounts on every site and app and blocking them, their friends, their friend’s friends, and families. Whole geographic locations sometimes. Anyone from their area or who went to their school. You vanish from their potential radar.

And believe me when I say.... At catfishing... There are none better than me. At least, not that I’ve ever heard of. 

That’s not to be confused with boasting. I feel disgusted with myself in even stating it. Because that’s what it is - disgusting. This is the first time I’m admitting this in my entire life. So, I suggest you take a deep breath with me before you read what I’m about to confess. Ready?

In - one, two, three, four, five, six. 

Out - seven, eight, nine, ten.

I have catfished as (yes, I’ve counted)… One-hundred and twenty-seven people.

I know... I know... It’s impressive. Horribly and disturbingly so. And that does not account for the number of accounts I’ve had for each of them. Emails, Instagrams, Facebooks, etc. Even a few Vampirefreaks and Darkstarling accounts back in the day. I can’t even remember the names of most of them anymore. Only their faces. But even those fade over time.

You’d think for as prolific as I’ve been with getting to know them, their lives, and those around them so intimately to pull off the amount of catfishing I have - I’d remember more clearly. But I suppose if you do anything for as long as I’ve been catfishing, you’re bound to lose track of a few memories or blips of time. 

I know you’re all dying to know exactly how long I’ve being doing this for. So I’ll tell you. The answer may be as equally shocking as my ‘mask count’. Realistically, take a moment and try to guess how old I was when I started. Here’s a tip. As I sit and write this, I’m 29. Just a few months shy of my 30th birthday. Now go on.... Give it your best shot.

Got a guess?

Ladies, gentlemen, and thems. I have been catfishing since I was eight years old.

That’s right. Only eight years old. I’m sure you were thinking surely fourteen or even fifteen. Technically, you’re right. Somewhere around there is when I actually became aware of what it was exactly that I was doing. But things were much different then. When I was eight, the internet being a modern in-home comfort was relatively new. We had dial-up. Screechy AOL start up sounds that were most likely close rivals to what would be Cthulhu’s mating call. The days of poorly moderated chatrooms and weak HTML coding. Not even Myspace existed at that point (I really miss Tom. We took him for granted. Zuckerberg’s rules kind of make him seem like a bit of a cuck. But I digress.)

Before I was twelve years old, no one knew what the hell ‘catfishing’ was. We’d never experienced enough of it to have to worry that people online would lie about something as outlandish as their face. Their age, name, or location  - maybe. Shit, people have been lying about their relationship and marital statuses since the dawn of man. The internet didn’t breed lies like that, (though I’m certain it made it a great deal easier to do). Those were the kind of lies that you’d think of when it came to telling lies on the internet. But nothing like this. 

Now look at us. For every ten of your actual friends on Instagram, there is at least one catfish following you or trying to make friends with you. Not that it’s a factually proven ratio or anything, more so an idea. I’m clearly not a scientist or research analyst, and as we’ve already established - I’m way too busy maintaining fake accounts to actually look up factual catfishing statistics.

So why? Why did I do it? Why do I continue to do it? Why confess now? Most importantly, who the hell am I? The ‘whys’ are a bit more complex than just selecting reason A or B. But if you’re really curious to know and willing to hear what I have to say and find out what makes up a catfish. Or at least - me. The most prolific online catfish likely to date (here’s hoping I am because I’d hate to know there is anyone crazier than me out there). Then stick around, because I’m ready to tell you - all of you. Everyone who cares to read this story. I am going to do my best along the way to help you answer some questions you might have. What is it like, how does it make me feel, do I really feel guilty, are there other kinds of catfish, and which one am I? And of course - how to spot and potentially stop a catfish.

Maybe by the end of this blog series, and once you are past out-right hating me (if you can find it in you to get past out-right hating me.... *Insert nervous and shameful laughter here*). You’ll be at least thankful to have learned some new things and gained an understanding that you hadn’t expected to from this. Or at least be thoroughly entertained - because, who the hell doesn’t love a controversial story line? As for who I am.... 

I really wish I could give you an answer. Because truth be told - I don’t even know anymore. 

Maybe in writing this series, I’ll figure that out. Hell, you might even help me get there a bit. Aside the most obvious and recently discovered portion of that answer being, that I am first and foremost, a massive piece of shit - for stealing people’s photos and lying about who I am. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #353

“well i’m a creep  /  i’m a weirdo  /  what the hell am i doing here?  /  i don’t belong here”

If you won an all-expenses paid trip to anywhere in the world for a one week vacation, where would you choose to go? For just one week, um... maybe South Africa, actually. Two weeks would probably be more ideal, but I've learned via my friend who worked with the KMP for a year that it's very isolating and you're very disconnected from society (also from the Internet, haha), but regardless, I REALLY wanna see the meerkats. Especially with the heat and all, one week might actually be all right. How often do you get notifications on your favorite social media site? That would be Facebook, and it really depends on how much I share that day. Sometimes I barely touch it, and sometimes I share a billion things and get a few notifications of people reacting. What’s something you’re actively trying to forget/care less about, if anything? Hi, have I told you about my breakup? What was the last encounter you had with a bug? Ugh, the fucking house is having an ant problem. Apparently, it's happened before here this time of year, so a couple times a days I find one on my arm or something and crush it. What is something considered “childish” that you still like or enjoy doing? I'm certain some people would consider RP childish, given it's essentially "make believe," and that's one reason I don't tell people about it. Name a song that you have a strong emotional connection to. Why is that song so important to you? The #1 song would be "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. I've told why before and don't feel like doing it again. Is cannabis legal where you live? Nope, but it should be. How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? I don't have a dog. What is something you'd feel confident enough to give a presentation on? Me? Comfortable giving a presentation? Bitch please. Which CoVid vaccine did you receive, if any? I got Moderna. I wanted Pfizer, but supposedly they're the same thing, just different manufacterors. How do you feel you've made a difference in the world? I don't feel I have. But it's my goal in life to die feeling like I did. Do you eat any candies in a specific order? (ie: M&M's) I fucking read this as "candles" and was really confused. But anyway, yes, but not M&Ms; I only do that with candies that actually have unique tastes depending on color, like Skittles. What is one common childhood illness that you managed not to catch? I never got chickenpox. Is there an heirloom that has been passed down generations of your family? Probably, but I don't know about it. What is the most unique pet that you ever owned, or would like to? Hm. I'd say maybe a Chinese water dragon? People tend to not know what they are; they mistake them for iguanas all the time. Have you ever been in a bad car accident before? A bad one, no, but I've been in one, nevertheless. At the description of what happened though, the cop said we were extremely lucky we weren't flipped over. My mom's driving skill saved us. What is your favorite type of weather to experience? Snow! I like a steady pace of large flakes. Do you know your social security by heart? I don't, actually, but I did at one point. Now, I only know the last four digits. Would you move out your house if you could right now? Yes, even if we just moved here. Mom and I really, really don't like living in the suburbs. We miss being in the middle of nowhere. When is the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Not since I last visited Sara's. Do you like being called baby? Not really. Like if it's from an s/o, it's all right, it's just really not my favorite. Have you ever slept in the same bed of the opposite sex? Yeah. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return the cart? I openly judge the fuck out of you if you don't. Do you think you would survive in the wilderness if you were abandoned there? I know I couldn't. Not in my shape. If you had a child at the age you’re at now, do you think you’d be a good parent? God, no. Do you eat your Oreos with milk? Yes. I strongly prefer them that way. Do you think French kissing is gross? I mean in concept I think it indisputably is, like even if you brush your tongue, it's still just... gross. But that doesn't mean I'm against it at all or won't do it when I love somebody. It's an "I accept you and your germs" thing, haha. Are you wearing make-up? What brand(s)? No. I pretty much never wear makeup anymore, even to take pictures. The last male you spoke to…is he attractive? That would be my psychiatrist, and I'm not attracted to him, no. He's like another dad to me. Have you ever had mice in your house? Back when we lived in the woods, we would have a minor mouse problem in the winter sometimes. I fucking hated it because my parents used the inhumane traps, save for one. I guess it was an affordability thing, idk. One or two got caught in that one, and I would let them go outside. Do you enjoy working with animals? It depends on what I'm doing. If I'm cleaning up after an animal, NO, because I seriously struggle with stomaching it. I canNOT touch vomit or feces, so that kinda eliminates a lot of options. Because of how physically weak I am along with hyperhidrosis, I also can't really exert myself much, so there ya go, more reasons I can't. I wish I could. Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? Plenty of hurricanes. If you're in a competition, are you in it to win it or just for the fun? The fun, experience, and growth. What's your favorite show on Comedy Central? I don't watch it. Which love story would you want your life to turn out like? I don't know, really. Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you're living with? Before, at least usually. Are you into ripped jeans? Yes, though I don't wear jeans anymore. Have you ever been to any Disney parks? Yeah, Disney World in Florida. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? "Cradle of Filth" sounds pretty damn badass and unholy, I dig it. Do kids often knock on your door on Halloween? This will be our first year in this house during Halloween, so I really don't know if any will? I mean we live in a suitable neighborhood, so idk. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Sara. Do you share the same political views as your parents? Dad, no. Mom, some. Have you ever done any internship? No. What's the last thing you got paid to do? Take pictures for someone. What's something your mother always says? "Drive like everyone else is stupid." It works though, haha. Always expect that someone you see might do something moronic and be prepared. For example, she is very adamant about us looking both ways when a light changes to green versus going immediately, and it's literally saved Mom's and my sister's lives. What's something your dad always says? To reach out to him if we ever need help with anything, and he'll do everything in his power to be there. What's your favorite thing to wear? Loose tank tops with loose-ish pj pants. What's your favorite day of the week? Nowadays, it's Fridays. Snake Discovery and The Dark Den both upload that day, haha. Do you have a favorite coloring book artist? Lisa Frank is the Wholesome Lead Bitch. Have you ever wanted to model? No. Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? Yeah, my sister. What's your favorite car? I am not NEARLY educated enough on cars to answer this. Why did you cry the last time you did? I'm seriously grieving Virginia. Her death has stricken me harder than any other I've experienced, even my own grandmother's. Who was the last person to piss you off? Probably someone on Facebook, but idr. Do you like winter? I love winter. Do you have a favorite flower? Yeah; I really like orchids. Dahlias are also gorgeous, and roses... Would you get a shamrock tattooed to your forehead for $5000? No. As great as that money sounds, tattoos are (relatively) permanent, and that would look pretty stupid imo. Are you very flexible? Not anymore. Who was the last person to tell you you looked nice? Probably Mom. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. Do you have any old newspaper articles? Why? No. Do you have a flat screen tv or just a regular box? Flat screen. Do you like Tootsie Rolls? Ugh, no. Do you like Slim Jim’s? Oh fuuuuuuck yeah man. What color is your mousepad? Black. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? I used to, but now I just leave 'em be. Would you date someone that had a different religion from you? It would depend on the religion and the intensity. I could NOT date someone exceptionally religious. A common question: What are you listening to? Caleb Hyles and Halocene's cover of Radiohead's "Creep." Would you ever get a nature tattoo? Well, I want at least a meerkat tattoo, so. I'll probably get a snake somewhere, too. Where do your siblings work, if anywhere? My older sister is a mammographer, and my little sister is a children's social worker. Saving lives, then there's me lmao. Who do you generally talk to the most? Mom and Sara. Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same gender? Yeah, multiple times. Do you enjoy painting? Not really, no. I stress out about messing up. When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin? Around a week ago, left shoulder, to get my first Covid vaccine. Is there a person you talk to everyday with? Well, considering I live with my mother... I usually talk to Sara too, but a day sometimes passes where we don't. Does one of your parents ever complain to you about the other parent? Mom does that all the time about Dad. It's no shocker they're divorced. Dad's long since moved on and doesn't talk shit about her. Who was the last person you wished a “Happy Birthday” to? I actually don't remember... Someone on Facebook, I'm sure. Does your best friend have a job? Not right now, she's dealing with some wild health issues where it's much safer that she doesn't. When you move out your house (or if you already have moved out) do you plan on still visiting your parents' house? Well of course. I especially plan on visiting my mother at least once a week, either going to her place for dinner or her coming over to mine for the same. We're way too close for me to not see her. I'll still visit Dad, too. Do you usually take home leftovers if you eat out in a restaurant? It depends on what I had and if I know I'll eat it warmed up. What’s your favorite thing to have for breakfast? Cinnamon rolls. Why did you break your last promise? I barely EVER break promises, but this one I actually forgot I even made. ;_;

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Blood, tears and sea breeze

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

Hi!!! Long time without posting, work has been crazy, so many painful things, but I have a tiny space of time and I wanted to think about something else for a change, new chapter, more questions and so close to the end. I hope everyone is safe and healthy. Please take care of yourselves, mental health is so important, specially in times like this. We will get out of this, until then I send you a lot of love and hugs from here.

Atte: a still tired but more hopeful doctor

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Chapter 18: Reality

The stinging pain across your cheek somehow brought you back to reality, a reality that you had comfortably numbed away the moment the handcuffs closed around your wrists.

But reality could be tricky sometimes, because the brief stolen kisses on his livingroom, the innocent way he touched your face, and the hunger look on his eyes every night you escape to sleep alone in his room were part of reality, even when now they feel ages away, and numbing all the pain, all the desperation even those perfect moments was the best solution you could find, because the way the kindness evaporate from his eyes when he told you "Miss Y/L/N, you are under arrest for the murder of Jonathan Norbury" and was replaced for an empty void and disappointment in his voice, was enough to keep you from wanting to be in this reality.

But you were back, the echo of Ash words were hurting you, because she was wrong, you love them too, and you would have never wanted any of that trouble for them, she was wrong for believing that you wanted any of this, but she was right to call you all thos hurtful things, even when you were not sure of what you did you felt like you deserved it.

And what did you do? Did you really slept with Charlie? Charlie who was more like an awkward little brother that anything to you, did you really order him to ... kill Jonathan? Even thinking about it was to hard to process, you tried search for your bracelet again knowing to well it wasn't there, but your hands were handcuffed to the table and the more you pull from them the more they hurt, and the cold steel started to mark your wrists.

And somehow that pain kept you from blacking out, the thought of Alec angry and sad because of you alone in his house again, Ashley's words, and Jonathan's body on the floor, and you started crying, letting the pain wash out from your eyes, and then as your wrist started to bleed from the handcuffs clarity followed, you were not screaming as last time, because there was something you could not shake off your mind, something that was almost ridiculous, like the idea of even touching Charlie, and the sudden realization make you wanted to laugh, but you keep it quiet, because the pretty officer that had brought you in returned with a laptop and you didn't want to appear more disturbed than they already thought you were.

***************************************************

"Sugar?" Miller said offering a small bowl to Ashley Langford, she seemed stressed and there were a few wrinkles around her eyes and her hair looked less shiny than usual, somehow Miller thought, she looked more human.

"Oh no, it's fine thank you" she said and kept looking at the door. " I'm sorry for the way I acted, is just that my parents are very old and having the police coming and trash the place was..." she put the tea aside and covered her face with her hands before starting to cry. "How did this happened? My brother is an asswhole but he would never... oh god what did he do?" She cried again and Miller offered her a paper tissue.

"Miss Langford I'm so sorry for the inconvenience that this process is causing you, but I can't tell you any details about the investigation, we are going to need you to cooperate with us and told us everything about your brother relationship with Y/N" she said and the woman rise her look puzzled.

"I'm sorry, but I already know, everybody knows" she said and Miller was shocked to hear that. "It's all on the internet, a friend of mine send it to me this morning, I called Charlie and he gave me a very confusing response and I run to my parents house to question him about them, but they had already arrested him" she said and took her phone out of her purse to show her.

They were not the explicit videos that Ramos had found, but they left clear that Y/N and Charlie were together and they had killed Jonathan.

"What did your brother said?" Miller asked when a quick search on her social media let her know that maybe all of Broadchurch had seen Y/N confession.

"I don't know, he sounded confused, angry, he said That count thinks that because that old jock is shagging her now she can dump me she is crazier than I thought, we'll see how much he likes her after this" she was convinced he meant some of the girls he often meet at bars, but the truth was clear to Ellie.

A couple nights before, in the middle of the night Alec had texted her to meet on the piers, on their usual spot. And after some crafted lie to Brian she was there, ready to fight whatever demon was torturing his mind, however what she found was different, he had a quiet smile, looking at the waves, and enjoying the sound of the ocean in the night, if she didn't knew him any better she would have swear that he was humming a song.

"Having a good night sir?" She asked and sited next to him.

"Miller, do you think I'm bad at my job?" He asked and she kept trying to guess his train of thought, a sixth sense told her she already knew what was happening, but she didn't want it to be truth.

"Yes, you are a nightmare, what is happening?" She said humoring him and he became all serious.

"Just answer the bloody question Ellie" the use of her name let her know it was serious so she looked at the ocean for a a long moment before speaking.

"You are not, you are capable, witted, yes you are a nightmare, but you are quite good at your job" She said honestly.

"Do you trust my judgment?" He asked then almost in a whisper.

"Without a doubt sir" she said, and before he could reply and make her part of something that was clearly against the rules she stoped him. "I trust you would never jeopardize an active investigation, and that whatever choice you make on your... personal... life, would be after a deep and conscious consideration" she said looking deeply into his eyes.

"Ellie..." He started but he knew he should keep it quiet, this was for the best. "Thank you detective Miller"

"You are welcome sir, and if I may... I hope you are happy, and have a good night" she said, meaning every word, even when the pain was pushing to make her cry. "I will change the patrol on your house tomorrow, to someone more trustworthy, you know for safety" she said and walked away from the piers, leaving him with that stupid smile on his face.

And now all she could think off was him alone in his house angry at himself and she had the need to run to his side, but no, there was only one way out of this for him, without damaging his image more, and that was with a conviction on Y/N, so she took Ashley Langford declaration and it was now certain for her that Charles had posted those videos, the how he found out Y/N was involved with a certain scottish man was still a mystery but she was determined to find out.

***************************************************

But I like you and your cock better than Jonathan's, Charlie the sound of your voice coming from the laptop saying those things almost made you throw up, but you kept watching You should kill him already and we can leave this place, don't you think big boy? It was you, there was no doubt about it, it was you in a very ordinary and nasty room, acting like a drunk idiot, rubbing your almost naked body on Charles, who had the creepiest smug on his face and you wanted to slap that dump expression out of him, this was degrading and humiliating, but you were focused, as you had been the last few days, everything was more clear than it had been in the last year and your mind was running fast trying to focus on one sole detail.

You have seen at least four different videos of yourself and the dates on them click on your head with dumb fights with Jonathan, headaches or days that everything seemed blurry, and for a solid minute your mind start deviating and consider the idea that maybe you were actually guilty, that maybe this semi naked idiot was actually you, but before that ridiculous idea could consume you another stupid phrase out of Charlie's mouth made DC Ramos blush and made you remember something as DC Harford looked careful at you.

The last time you had blushed was a few days ago in Alec's couch, once you came back from the cliff and he turned up the heat since the both of you were wet from the rain that had made you run inside, kissing him had been a childish decision, and he kissing you back was just as bad, but now you were sitting on the couch covered with a blanket and holding a cup of tea, glad that Daze was god knows where and you could talk like adults.

"We shouldn't" you started, "I want to, I really do, but you are still leading the case, and I can't lie, and if someone asks me are you sleeping with detective Hardy I will say yes, and ..." You blush at the look he gave you and quickly hide your face away from his smile.

"Fine, you should lock your door tonight then" he said jokingly with a playful grin and for a moment you wonder were have this man been all this time.

"Sure detective, let's make dinner, I'm starving" you said and kissed him again, thinking at the moment that everything was alright, but now as agent Ramos looked uncomfortable away from you the little bubble of happiness was finally burst, and once again that anger make your memories come back to you the image of the night club cleared, the toothy grin of the man in the red shirt, finally had a name, and things became more and more focused and you looked up to DC Harford.

"Enough" You said a little more aggressive than expected, but they stopped looking at you with petty on their eyes if just for a moment. "I seen enough, what do you want to know?"

***************************************************

"Look everyone in Broadchurch is talking about you" Miller started showing Charles her phone with the edited videos "Are you going to keep pretending that you had nothing to do with this or are you finally going to talk?" She said and the authority on her voice irritated him.

"Where is the guy?" He asked looking at the empty chair next to her, but he had abandoned the erratic tone, and was talking quietly.

"In the other room talking to your girlfriend here" she said pointing at the pictures. "Whom I think will say everything so I will recomend you to start talking"

"No the little eye candy, the other one, the old one" he said and smiled when she change her stoic look. "I liked the guy, seems tough" he said with honesty and she repressed the impulse to sigh in relief.

"He is not working today" she said and tried to regain her pose. "He is loosing all the fun".

"Oh sad, because this is so entertaining" he said sarcastically "What do you expect me to say? I post them, she is suppose to be mourning, and sad, but no, the little cunt is so happy walking holding hands with some arse, well what can I expect right? She cheated on Jonathan, why wouldn't she cheat on me too" he said it upset at the thought of the woman seeing another men, and the whole situation became ridiculous to Miller, and at the same time something was not coming together.

"Did you saw her with someone else?" She asked cautiously, knowing too well that until the las four hours she had been enclosed in Hardy's house and if she ever leave his place was with him.

"I did, a couple days ago, acting like Jonathan was nothing to her, like I was nothing" He said, and she desperately needed to know if he was lying, because if he meant Alec he would have said it since the beginning, but if he meant someone else, who? Unless... maybe he was fabricating the whole thing.

"How was him?" She asked and without hesitation she add "I mean she has a type, Jonathan, you... another how did you call agent Ramos? Eye candy"

"Yeah" he said smiling sardonically "Some bloke, you know tall, black hair, I could take him down" it sounded rehearsed, and it became clear he was lying when he nervously add "Clean shaved bastard"

She was about to say something else when the door was opened and a nervous Harford came inside.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but we need you" she said and Miller followed her outside leaving a puzzled Charlie behind.

"What happened?" She asked and Katie looked at her feet uncomfortable "She still hasn't talked?"

"No, that's the problem, she talks but she says she doesn't remember anything..." she started

"Well she make this idiot kill her fiance I'm not surprised she wants to pretend it didn't happen" Miller say spiteful.

"No that's not the problem, she says she will confess, but only to you" she said and Miller was surprised to hear that.

"Absolutely no" she said calmly.

"I say that and she went silent again" I try everything, we even show her how those videos are running through all the town, by the way how the fuck that happened?" She said and show her a link send to her by her dad. "But she keeps asking for you"

Ellie remembered the last time she walked inside that particular interrogation room, a part of her wanted answers, but she feared she would act up against her, and ruin the case as she have done all those years ago, but no, Haedy needed her to fix this, so she make up her mind an asked Katie to leave her alone inside.

***************************************************

"Ellie" you said once she was sitted in front of you, "it may be in our best interest if you gave me 5 minutes before turning on that thing" you said looking at the tape recorder that Harford had turned off.

"Is Detective Miller, and why would I listen to you?" She said and her tone was not only dry and professional but also rude at some point.

"Because if you care about Alec as much as I do you may want to hear what I have to say first" you said and she raised her hand and you prepared to feel the pain in your face again but she only put the pictures of Jonathan's body and screenshots from the filthy videos in front of you.

"This is caring for him?" She said and this time was no longer any professionalism on her voice. "You have five minutes" she said finally.

"I didn't sleep with him" you said and she gave you an incredulous look "Alec," you said exasperated "I thought is better to let that out in the open, nothing happened, so he is safe on that end... and I have no intention of talking to a lawyer so you can rest" you said and her expression softened a little "where is he?" You couldn't help but ask.

"Alone in his house, probably wondering why did he trusted you" she spat at you "4 and a half minutes"

"Fine, I don't remember anything of this, ok? Completely blank, but I'm not an idiot I know how that sounds, and I won't play the victim, I will confess, to what is here to whatever agent Harford needs to put Charlie on jail, and me if I have to"

"And how are you so sure about Langford being guilty?" She asked.

"Because I remember now, the day I found him like this" you said pointing at the picture, I took the bus home and Charles was there, he put him there" you said since the images were flowing back to your mind, and you remembered, "I start screaming for help when I saw him, he said something about this being what I wanted, what I asked him to do all the time, and I fight him to run away and then I just remember his hand in my neck and the taste of something bitter he force down my throat and before everything went black again I saw him put my ring on his hand" you said and Ellie's eyes opened up drastically.

"The broken ring?" She said quietly.

"Yes, the next thing I remember was being in the front door reading Jonathan's letter, getting inside and freaking out over his body" you said very aware of how unrealistic all that sounded but she had to listen to you "He posted all this crap, but nothing about the parking lot, and I'm sure I fight that time, and this person that I don't remember is willing, drunk or drugged with a split personality or whatever, but she appeared to be ok with what is happening, then why will I need to scream, and run and fight on that car? What was different then, why did he needed to make a show out of Jonathan's dead, if he was so sure I wanted this, why did he have to make it all this big?" you said aware of the way that sounded but for some reason something on her eyes said she might believe you.

"I have no interest in understanding the train of thought of a lunatic" She Miller said trying to hide her own concerns "What is your point?"

"You are bsolutely right, but this was post right after we..." start dating? That sounded childish, we kiss? Sure Y/N rub it on her face "All I can think is that this is not over, and I can't let whatever else is coming affect Alec, so I'll confess so this ends quickly, but I need you to make sure he doesn't get dragged into this, I can't have that on me"

"Your time is up" she said and put out the note pad where you should write the declaration, completely ignoring your words.

"Ok, where should I start?" You said resigned.

"You are really going to confess?" She asked surprised and didn't turn the device on yet "why? If you really think there is more to it than the evidence, then why?"

"No matter how, I'm responsible for his dead, I might as well start paying, also this way I can make sure Alec's reputation and Ashley's life doesn't get more damaged for my mistakes" you said firmly.

"You really care about him huh?" She said and gave you a half smile. "I think I know exactly where you should start" she said and started writing instructions on the notepad, before you start speaking.

Tag list:

@allonsymexgirl @laciesaito @tf18unipups @dazedkrosupreme @timey-wimey-lovi @coffees-and-constellations @ladyaziraphale @acid-gurkerl @moonuvert @tennantious

[tigerlilyhasablog]

Life During the Apocalypse

Hello darlings! Hope everyone is doing well… Hope you all are safe, healthy and not going too crazy if you are in self isolation. Since I’m stuck in the house with quite a bit of extra time, I’d like to try to blog a bit more than usual. I thought it would be kind of fun to share with you what I have been up to at home, so enjoy: The Day in the Life of a Quarantined Teen.🙃

Remote school

First for the dull stuff. My university moved to remote learning the week of March 6th, and while they originally said it would be “until further notice”, they have since announced that it will be like this for the rest of the semester. It’s definitely more boring than going to class, and I miss going to school and seeing people, but I don’t mind it that much. It’s kinda funny, ’cause I was homeschooled for most of my life, up until college, so doing this is like going back to the old days of being homeschooled. 🙂 Right now I’m actually on Spring Break, so this week I’m mainly just chillin’.

What I’ve been watching

I’ve been meaning to get Disney+ for eons now, but never got around to it. My sister and I decided that hey, what better time than now? The very first thing that we watched was High School Musical… Don’t judge me.😂 Somehow I had gone through life never having watched this iconic piece of pop culture, but I decided it was time to amend that. What can I say: it is equal amounts completely terrible and utterly amazing.

Finally watched The Mandalorian as well, which is really, genuinely good. I feel so-so about most Star Wars stuff – I don’t dislike it, but I don’t love it – but damn, I got into this show immediately. The way that they’ve made it like a Western? So good. The characters, the visuals, the storyline… 👌🏻 And yes, I would die for Baby Yoda.

Once we finished that season, we began on Agent Carter, and we just finished the first season last night. I felt so-so about it for like, the first two episodes, but after that I got really into it and like, damn, it’s really good! Two thumbs up from me.

Other than Disney, the only other thing that I’ve watched recently is The Miseducation of Cameron Post. It’s been on my want-to-watch list for a while now, and the other day my school gave me access to a site with a bunch of free films on it, one of which was this movie, which I was really excited about. Fuck, it was good. Really hit hard, Chloe Grace Moretz was incredible, as was the rest of the cast, just a really powerful story of course. I liked the indie feel of the whole thing… Sometimes you can just tell, you know? The 90s aesthetic was also great.

What I’ve been listening to

Being stuck in the house has giving me lots of opportunity to listen to music basically all of the time, so let me share some of the stuff I have been loving right now:

Conan Gray’s Kid Krow – I am really loving this album. It is packed with bops, as well as some fantastic sad-boi songs. I’ve liked Conan’s stuff for a bit now, but in a rather passive way… Now I would say that my fan-ness (not a word, I know) has been solidified.

Ed Sheeran – let me introduce you to the little underground indie artist I’ve recently discovered. Haha. It’s kinda funny that I’ve gotten so into Ed lately, cuz I mean, of course I’ve listened to his stuff for a while now. But like, I guess I’ve never delved very deep into his discography? But lately I’ve been listening to the entirety of each of his albums, and I’m a little obsessed. Guess I should have believed the hype sooner, huh?

Alec Benjamin – someone else who I’ve been into for quite a while, but who I’ve been listening to even more lately. His songs have made their way onto “Music of the Month” a couple times already, and I’ll tell you right now that he’s on there this month, too. 🙂 I don’t think he has a single bad song. I have tickets to see him in May, provided corona doesn’t fuck that up, and I’m really excited!

Lauv’s Modern Loneliness – bops. bops. bops. What else can I say? Bops.

Foster the People – ok, this band has such nostalgia for me. Torches was like, all that I listened to in like 2012/13. I hadn’t really listened to them lately, and hadn’t really explored their more recent stuff. But the other day I put on their Spotify playlist and had a dance party to them all afternoon and it made me so fucking happy.

What else I’ve been up to

Spending way too much time on the internet – gotta go ahead and get this one out of the way. I’d love to say that I’ve been super productive and learned a ton of new things and been really creative, but if I’m entirely honest, what I’ve really done is wasted a ton of time on YouTube/Tumblr/TikTok.😬

Drawing – I have gotten some stuff done though! I haven’t used this time for art as much as I’d like, but I’ve been sketching some, and also been playing around with a drawing app… I’ve always been a pencil-and-paper person, but doing it digitally is kinda fun!

My latest project? A vine compilation, of course.😂 Here is the beginnings of it:

Making music – again, not as much as I should be, but I’ve been playing the guitar and singing quite a bit. I’ve been doing it in a very relaxed, just-singing-what-i-want-to kind of way, which is nice. I guess I’ll use this opportunity to plug my Soundcloud (which I rarely post on, oops.)

Working out – I always exercise pretty regularly, but I’ve decided that this is the perfect opportunity to ramp it up a bit. My family and I have been going on walks every day, since that’s the only way we can get out, and I’ve been doing the Chloe Ting 2 Week Shred Challenge. It’s fucking tough, but I’m very excited about getting in shape.

Texting for the Bernie Sanders team – this has been fun! It’s a super-easy way to get involved in a campaign… I’d love to say I could make calls, and I hope to eventually, but it makes me really nervous. But texting is something anyone can do! Basically all campaigns have moved online, so if you have some extra time on your hands, get involved from home, either in a political campaign or something on the activism side of things! You can text, call, do stuff with social media… do it!

Catching up with friends – this one is smaller in terms of how much I’ve been doing it, but I’d just like to remind you that this is a great time to text or call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. I know I often feel weird about just contacting someone out of the blue, but in a strange time such as this I think it is the perfect opportunity to check in with someone and see how they are holding up. Even though we can’t see each other in person, we’ve got to stick together in this tough time and keep up our relationships in a long-distance fashion.

Final thoughts

Okay, that’s all for now! It’s looking like this whole situation is gonna last for a while, so maybe I’ll make another one of these in a few weeks and let you know what else I’ve been up to! I’d just like to end with a little thought:  if you are stuck at home and bored and going a little stir-crazy, please remember that we are privileged to be in this situation. There are some people for whom this means that they are out of work, desperate, scared. There are others who are older or immunocompromised who know that getting the virus could be a matter of life or death. Others are not able to work from home and have no choice but to go out every day and risk getting infected. And others have been forced to go home and be quarantined with abusive family members. Even though this is tough for everyone, if your main problem is that you are bored, make sure you put it into perspective and be grateful that that is your biggest worry.

I hope that didn’t sound preachy, but I just think we have to remember that it could be a lot worse. Now, stay safe, stay healthy, and for fuck sake, don’t go out unless you have to. ❤️

[szopenhauer]

Where do you put your keys when you get home? personal

Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? one from far away on the sand when I was on camp and second time it was just dead and not even whole anymore, I wanna touch a snake!

What’s your favourite movie from the 80s? can’t choose only one

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? not really

Do you have any family that live in another country? no one close

Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe? sure

What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? I’ve lived in one house only unless I can count some I stayed for awhile like grandma’s apartment or aunt’s cottage 

What movie reminds you of your childhood? many movies like Jumanji or Goonies

What was the last email you received? spam

Are you in any fb groups? I am

Whose house did you last visit? my gf’s

How many tabs do you have open right now? 5

What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? I procrastinate lots of stuff

What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? fb messanger/time

Would you date someone who still lived with their parents? I still live with my parents  Do you think there is life on other planets? not those close to us

Would you enjoy a night of playing video games? maybe Do you dream of traveling the world or are you happy where you are? I’m not happy but I don’t want to travel  Would you watch a porno with your partner? hmm... Have you ever stolen from your work? no Do you own any sex toys? I don’t How often do you use facebook at work? depends Would you date someone half your age? that would be illegal and I wouldn’t want to anyway Are you a romantic person? a little? Would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends? I probably wouldn’t be  Do you have a current passport? never had a passport Is it more fun to go out just with your date or on a group date? just my date Have you had a relationship with someone of the same sex? as a lesbian Is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other? no but it’s nice Is there anything you think science will never be able to explain? possibly Is intoxication ever an acceptable excuse for acting stupid? if you can’t act normal then don’t drink, UGH! Do you litter? never Do you believe in fate or destiny? not sure Doing nothing all day makes you feel…? both good and bad Have you ever had sex with someone you worked with? I have not Would you date someone just for the sex? noooo Do you consider yourself a positive person? pfft Are Sex and Intimacy the same thing? sex is to intimacy like square to rectangles How often do you get angry? I’m like Bruce Banner Have you had cosmetic surgery? I haven’t On a first date do you pay or do they? split Do you only date people who have jobs or are full-time students? I don’t care what they do in life (school, job or nothing) if we don’t live together, I’m unemployed myself Could you date someone who does drugs? doubt it Do you enjoy watching sports? nah Would you do a striptease for your partner? umm... Would you date someone who doesn’t have a car? sure, I don’t even own one  You have a week off, travel or stay home? home <3 Does spending the weekend at home annoy you? noooo Do you consider yourself open minded? nah Do others find you sexy? r u kidding?... Have you ever met someone in person you met online? I have Do you tell your friends you love them? nope, just family and partner

Do your siblings dye their hair? sometimes Who can you best relate to in the last book you read? partially to Will, Stella and Poe Are you indecisive? it’s hard for me to make a decision but I am not changing my mind like wind blows

What are you listening to? Lana Del Rey What are you doing tomorrow? we’ll see What was the last compliment someone gave you? not sure which was last Do you have a big family? no but it’s still to big for me :x Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? sight, then hearing

What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? it should be illegal If you want (or don’t want) kids, is this something you’ve always known or have you changed your mind as you’ve grown up? I wanted kids at first because I played dolls and didn’t know anything about pregnancy or taking care of real children, I just thought it’s normal everyone have them at some point and that’s all but once I found out more about the subject I realized it’s not for me because of many reasons

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? yup Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? she wasn’t in my life at the time What’s the first word of the last text message you received? ok was the whole message XD

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m gonna die, if I won’t fall asleep I’ll explode, I feel so bad Are you okay right now? am I ever?... When was the last time you saw your mom? we’re home together What is the last thing you drank today? just going to drink some water in the kitchen Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? hope not What are you listening to right now? Cigarettes after sex Last time you had a sleepover? ages ago If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, what would you say? I know she does, she was telling me that already Do you replay things that have happened in your head? overthinking for life If you could get paid to do anything in the world, what would you do? sitting in front of the computer  Do your parents actually knock on your door before entering your room or just barge right in, instead? my dad knocks, my mom barges in What would you do if it snowed right now? ...

Are you more of a leader or a follower? loner

Would you say you’ve had a good life so far? no comment What’s something you wish you could have delivered to your house? regularly or right now? What’s your favorite art style? surrealism? Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? I don’t have coworkers now Do you have a good sense of balance? it’s hard to say Do you live in a very racially and culturally diverse country? no Do you live alone? I wish

Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? nothing big If you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? depends

Who was the last person to pay you a compliment? my gf The shirt you’re wearinh - is it one of your favourites? yep Is there a certain name that you think seems to have become really popular, and you know lots of people with that same name? growing up Ewelina, Julia, Emilia, Katarzyna, Urszula, Małgorzata and Michał were the most popular names Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site? yup Have you ever asked anyone “Do you love me?” If so, did you get the response you wanted? Do you think when someone says “I love you”, you feel obliged to say it back? yes, usually and kinda If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? that’s normal Are you friends with the last person you hugged, or something more? we’re related Do you ever post song lyrics as your Facebook status? sometimes Do you drink alcohol on a regular basis, or do you prefer to save it for special occasions? I don’t drink even on special occassions Did you play with Barbies when you were a kid, or did you prefer something else? I played with Barbies but not only them If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? what she likes/wants/needs :) If I’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? don’t buy me any Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I need help with many things :( Has anyone called you beautiful today? no, I’m not so that would be a lie

Who was the last person to see you cry? my mother

Do you drink bottled water? sometimes

You never know what you have until it’s gone. True or false? kinda true

Are you scared of losing the person you like to someone else? if they were happy with someone else - let that happen, I’ll be fine alone

Will you be in bed in the next 20 minutes? too early to sleep

Do you laugh at inappropriate times? rarely

How many bracelets do you have on right now? zero

Do you have someone you have late night conversations with? I do

What does your phone do when it receives a text? vibrates

What is in your pocket? no pockets!

Can you remember the last person you texted without looking? my sister 

Do you listen to music everyday? almost

Are you gonna be home alone tonight? I won’t be alone

If there was a large spider in your room, would you stay in the room? how big?

Are you a flirty person? maybe The last store you went to was…? local

Do you have a friend named Alex? used to  What did you think of the movie Juno? I have mixed feelings about it How often do you eat meat? often Have you ever gotten clothes from the kids section as an adult? I have :x Are you more of a science/math person or english/history person? I’m artsy  When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? we didn’t have such expensive channels Since using the internet regularly, have you started to read less than you used to? I read less not because of internet Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? nah Do you find yourself feeling lazier when the weather is warm? I feel lazier when the weather is cold because I don’t wanna leave my bed or home at least Are you a fan of the TV show Friends? watched fragments and I like Chandler and Phoebe - I think they would be great together, I’m a bit like them How old do you think is too old to sleep with a stuffed animal? never Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? I’m not How many tattoos would you like to have? I don’t plan any Are you over the age of 25? I am Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? omg! I want my life to get better :( Would you rather live without music or without the t.v? without TV

[antivirusprogram2020]

I am an antivirus program (2020)

> CHAPTER 2 The new human type cannot be properly understood without an awareness of what he is continuously exposed to from the world - Theodor Adorno. Minima Moralia, 1951 We can not change the medium as the medium is predicated on the message (use my square space code for a 10% discount)- we are fixed in this web 2.0 and the control of knowledge will be met with the streamlining of UI and UX design. Design tools like the adobe programs will continue to increase their premium and their monopoly hold on the design space - to be a designer is to be implicated with this process, regardless if you pirate software or notThis is where I raise flags against the tepid conglomeration of blog sites and web in general, the astroturfing of the internet has only amplified the feedback of Graphic Design. You’d typically call this commercial design. Commercial design fits the criteria of an evolving media world, “It is important to note that this ultimate stage of pictorialization was a reversal of pattern. The world of body and mind...was not photographical at all, but anonvisual set of relations”1. Commercial Design started to drive an efficiency science behind it’s aesthetic - you make the access mode immediate and your engagement success is far higher, and you do this through the pictogram, and when photography came about, that too was made into a design appendage. “To understand the medium of the photograph is quite impossible, then, without grasping its relations to other media, both old and new. For media, as extensions of our physical and nervous systems, constitute a world of biochemical interactions that must ever seek new equilibrium as new extensions occur.”1 This is potentially a valuable understanding of media, and thus design, presented by media theorist Marshall Mcluhan, commercial design (and all art and design in a sense) are schizophrenic presentations of the world, they accumulate meanings outside the presented scope of an advertisement, or typography - they link the relational experience of the mass media consumer, as Mcluhan states. However, this is not all, he states an ‘equilibrium as new extensions occur’ - in my context now this weighs with a great importance, we know the new extensions already, something that Mcluhan unfortunately didn’t get to experience fully, and that’s the web, the modern computer, the pocket mobile device. These are in their own rights mediums, your OS (operating system) is a computer language medium that dictates other program mediums, the access mode to the rest of the systems of design, websites contain live feeds and streams to distant realities, it’s all so lucid but at the same time it feels like an astral projection. At times this can feel nauseating, that collapsing feeling of ‘space’ and ‘time’. This presents a wider problem with modern design, technology has embedded itself into the core of the practice since the dawn of paper and pen, stone and chisel etc. The problem being that while technology has stopped gapped connectivity, it refuses to go further - refuses to return the creativity of a design practice unless commandeered. This has led to the necessity for the designer to code, and script, to kit bend and utilise AI - once again “fragmenting” the work role. “Under conditions of electric circuitry, all the fragmented job patterns tend to blend once more into involving and demanding roles or forms of work that more and more resemble teaching, learning, and “human” service, in the older sense of dedicated loyalty.” Graphic design namely has done well to adapt and reshape, showing its versatility in the age of digital design. Not only that, it hybridizes aesthetic models much like a fashion season generates new styles, which keeps design itself fresh and alive, while sometimes slipping into the contrived and over-saturated. But is the “human” service really what Graphic Design is becoming? It certainly hints to this with the proactive design studio model. Interaction and Bureaucracy, it’s an efficiency tactic. All design requires hierarchy even if that hierarchy is to not have one. I see the office space, I remember the spider plant, I see the shore line, I see the whitecaps. The workers space is a micro-territorial space of capital politics and a grab for faux socialism in most cases, in some, it is an honest attempt to form comradery - the cafeteria is an effective grounds to reinforce or detourne this thinking. People like artist Olafur Eliasson effectively install a commons space for the studio team to interact and communicate, job roles are made equal in that space. “The studio, as much as we don’t like it, means working in your own little departments, compartmentalised. And there are hierarchies even though everyone’s a part of the democracy. The kitchen is a nice leveller.” It’s a universal ideology that falls into a majority of Eliasson’s work that provides an effective future-proof for how the operations of studio practice should be carried out (see the Auteur myth). My cynicism is only symptomatic of the consumerist prerequisite that allows design to exist in the first place - a degree in the topic definitely is met with a careerist sentiment, to be financially viable within a milieu of art and design subjects. Graphic Design should not try to divorce itself from this grouping, it stands stronger with the complex wovings and multitudes that allow it to bloom as an individual practice that arranges the practice of others. The efforts here are a concern with the design practice no less, and how ethics and politics are sequestered by a shifting responsibility of effects, how and why Graphic design mutated into the corporate virus that it is now. ”All media work us over completely.”8 This is Mcluhan’s sentiment from his writings in the 60’s, and It stands up true to this day, more so than ever. Algoration (the use of data algorithms to curate a web feed) are notorious and globally implemented into most ‘social media’, but outside social media, it’s used as predictive data. This is the “reversal pattern”, Graphic Design puts a face to this slippery coded underbelly. The automation of design media has become an efficient business strategy to overmine its user base data, and subsequently requires illustration. To be concise, the study of the Graphic Designer is in part the study of Media, the study of media is the lens of relational activities and connectivity. And this is the permitted virus. Adversely, the antivirus program is a research protocol invested in studying the autonomy available to a Graphic Designer, and an extended hand to all fragmented sectors that require a similar reclamation. Language dictates media – media manufactures consent, therefore language manufactures consent. A small quibble no less, that the Graphic Designer goes to bed with media every day. And in the morning they arise with vast spawns of editorials, emailing lists, content posts - lots of fucking content posts by content creatures. The homogeneous sprawl of media is a compounded expository of new design conditions. “Today, the mass audience can be used as a creative, participating force. It is, instead, merely given packages of passive entertainment.”8 The passive entertainment is reflexive of its audience, an audience that is content on not being challenged when engaging and consuming media, not being challenged when creating and releasing it - the language logic is a false preposition - things don’t have to occur in the forefront of our percepts, media can be a stealth operation for critical theory or a dog whistle for nazis. Even a glass of milk is steeped in meaning. “The photograph is just as useful for collective, as for individual, postures and gestures, whereas written and printed language is biased toward the private and individual(s) posture.”1 Mcluhan and designer Rapheal Roake seem to fit perfectly in collusion with one another here, “All design is a political act”, this fits Mcluhan’s collective principle for the photograph precisely, as this explicitly gives backing to the relational dynamics of media itself, it sits in the collective sphere - the global village. It all begins to feel like a fever dream, the spectres of Helvetica, Comic sans and Papyrus jumping on your chest as you’re paralysed in a waking dream. Blink and you’ll miss the horses head 144hz refresh rate. The grid settings of your life are closing in tighter and tighter as you cant kern in a moment for peace, please adobe I’m plugged in to your creative cloud let me use my kettle already, yes dear, they’re wacom tablet plates, we threw out the cutlery and replaced them for tote bags and ironic panel hats. The decoherence of the 21st century is here and it’s got anthropocene smeared all over its lips. Everyone wants to fuck their OLED displays, the screen is constantly flirting with me, it bulges and writhes along with it’s circuitry like an obscene Cronenburg slide show, and with a tilt of the hinge, it rips my hands straight off the bone. It’s simultaneously psychosexual and completely meaningless, but there doesn’t seem to be any Big Other alternative, can you see the demons wearing the guise of post-modernity, and where they emit a solar flare? Just tryna game the system can’t you see, if I shake it at just the right moment, at the right angle, I’ll get an additional diet coke. You don’t understand how fucking much I like diet coke. A man who finds himself among others drinking diet coke is irritated because he does not know why he is not one of the others drinking diet coke. I have graphic design Stockholm syndrome, what do you mean you don’t know who Gerrit Noordzij is? At this point going outside will trigger my flight or fight response, I’m afraid of being swooped by seagulls while I’m bound on a rock, I sleep in a bed with a faraday blanket, I’m absolutely glowing, washed in sunlight. “As for the anticipation of reality by images, the precession of images and media in relation to events, such that the connection between cause and effect becomes scrambled and it becomes impossible to tell which is the effect of the other” These collective postures translate into all modern media and are littered with effects. One is singular and rhizomatic in any given instance of engagement towards media and the invisible hand of the ‘designer’. And on the contrary the medium is an assemblage of arborescence and is later politicised in the factory line assembly - a by-product of ‘essential’ capital labor. The capital fiction is overwritten by the post-market mythos of a company and it’s figureheads, it’s in-house publishing team use individual members to feature in nice magazines. Effects, we are overcome by so many different effects daily, to the extent that we become desensitized to the potential the subsequent causes and effects, modern reality makes sure to compound these consequences of media to a sensory overload of hysteria, the neurotic ones take to pinterest to organise themselves. We like to order things, It gives clarity and comfort within the dysphoria and entropy of our lives, pinterest, tumblr, are.na, instagram are all negentropical solutions in an overstimulated digital environment. “Instant communication insures that all factors of the environment and of experience coexist in a state of active interplay.”8 To understand this I need to clarify that the medium, the message, the photograph and all subsets of visual and nonvisual information are communication - it goes without saying - but this establishes the politicised and astroturfed space of Graphic Design, a designer is expected to make commercially viable work to thrive, and usually this is achieved by co-opting styles to any degree appropriate to a brief. This results is the parody, the hyperstition and hyperobject - an overly ironic and self aware ventilation apparatus that keeps the gimmicks of Graphic Design alive. The overtures of a design piece can appear stark placid and regurgitated. It’s very much easy to default to a ctrl-c, ctrl-v automation process. Reinforced no less by an autodidact push of some educational institutions - more concerned with juggling design briefs than focusing their teachings on a core design system (despite their ever love for the Bauhaus - yes huni the library is open). Of course, with the new emphasis on a technology dominated world we are expected to rely and reinforce the techno-dependent designer (work smart not hard). And we are yet to catch up to this mutation in design, where design was once a phylogeny of different features that collected to assume a physical medium, centrered on type, constrained by fibres and ink and oil - these components have congealed onto the Macbook, the ergonomics of physical/digital unbound the Designer from the difficulties of a physical medium. So why do we remain in the realm of rehashing typefaces and conventional media, why are we tied down to the revolving doors of design trends - surely now than ever we have all the components, all the tools to produce new design movements, this can’t keep up “When the circuit learns your job, what are you going to do?”8

[wahbegan]

The Scary Asylum Trope (From Somebody Who’s Been Committed)

I can’t help but feel that the very loud and righteous voices of people with the best of intentions....who also have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about often overshadow those with a more nuanced and realistic view of the world because they’ve been through the shit. Especially on this site. In the real world, of course, both are drowned out by the man who both has bad intentions AND no idea what he’s talking about, but either way, the fact remains: people with first-hand experience of the ugliness of society saying shit nobody wants to hear, especially shit that makes the world a bit more morally grey and a bit more frightening than anyone would like to deal with are never listened to. 

 Although it’s often overlooked, I think we can all agree that the mentally ill and substance-addicted are among the most cast-off and overlooked members of society. Junkheads and crazies are already struggling to survive and nobody wants to give them a job, get too close to them, give them money, have them wandering the streets or coming into their businesses. Unlike other forms of oppression, one of the most insidious things about this is it’s opposed by almost nobody. “Don’t give that guy money, he’s a crackhead”, “stay away from that bum, she’s not right in the head, she’s dangerous”, “we can’t give you a job because of your history with substance abuse”, none of these statements are remotely controversial with the vast majority of people. A lot of people get angry when you say they should be or even suggest the mentally ill (not disabled, mind you, just ill) or addicted are even oppressed by society at all. Addicts, particularly. The general consensus is they ARE dangerous, they DO do illegal shit, they ARE unpredictable and unable to work reliably or have an interpersonal relationship with you, and most importantly...they brought this on themselves. This, of course, brings us to that great garbage bin of society’s dregs, the mental hospital.

Okay, so a bit of background. In Senior Year of college, I was alcoholic, cartoonishly depressed, and trying to deal with vague, unspecified shit that may have been trauma or a personality disorder or something I do not know, all I have ever been officially been diagnosed with is depression, but that doesn’t cover everything. I don’t know to this day exactly what’s wrong with me and I’ve gotten too old and used to it to really care enough to speculate. But long story short, one night I got too mouthy about a suicide attempt as I often do...to be honest, I think my crippling fear of the oblivion i believe follows death tends to manifest as loudly telegraphing my intentions to commit so that I have a chance to wake up even if I don’t chicken out at the last second...but anyway. My friend Vanessa came by my door and helped me down out of the home-made belt noose in my closet, and the cops were called. Cue being taken away in a cop car in handcuffs and 96 hours in a mental hospital without ANYONE believing any of my attempts to defend myself or even being put before a judge how’s that for due process ladies and gentlemen?

I won’t say what hospital I was in due to all the horrible shit I’m about to say about its character, but I WILL say when i first got there, many a joke was made about a then very topical certain someone who was known as a whistleblower and/or traitor depending on where you fall on the political spectrum who leaked a bunch of CIA and NSA shit. Oh, yeah, completely unrelated, did I mention I went to the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, VA? Just a fun tidbit.

Anyway, I know this is slow in getting to the point, so let’s cut to the meat of the thing. From Outlast (the good one), to Arkham Asylum, to Silence of the Lambs, Session 9, Halloween, to House on Haunted Hill (the bad but enjoyable one), to that story some kid in grade school and/or your older sister wouldn’t shut the fuck up about that had an escaped mental patient who apparently the staff had deemed wise to give a pirate hook for a hand, the common consensus is: mental hospitals are fucking scary. More specifically, crazy people are fucking scary.

In recent years, as we’ve all grown a little more compassionate and people give the mentally ill at least a few months or years before they decide your shit is too much for them to deal with and throw you out like a leper, there’s been very strong pushback against this. Particularly on places like tumblr and other random blogs and op eds around the internet. It’s easy to see why. Dehumanizing the mentally ill is not only offensive to people who CAN actually generally understand and remember what you say about us, thank you very much, it’s just lazy. People like Michael Myers (no not that one the scary one) and Joker, who would NEVER see the inside of a hospital due to their clear intelligence and control over their actions, are thrown in an asylum as a cheap plot device, and classifying a character as crazy lets you ignore pesky little things like “character motivation” and “consistent characterization in general, fuckwit”. People may even praise your character for lacking those things if they’re cuh-RAZY enough. Again, Michael Myers (still not that one) and Joker.

I’m a huge fan of the pushback against the escaped mental patient with a hook trope. Having been a mental patient myself, I can assure you that almost all ANYONE wants to break out of that shit hole to do is get some good fucking food, sleep in a real bed, and pork their significant other. Mr. Pirate Hook, in a realistic version of that story, may have jumped the teen lovers for their car just to drive it to the liquor store and then his girlfriend’s house.

The problem is, and this is the main point of this giant fucking essay, that there is now also considerable related pushback against asylums being scary places. Ironically enough, this is coming not mainly from certifiable and dangerous-to-themselves-or-others type people. This pushback is coming from very well-meaning young adults with anxiety disorders and/or depressive episodes who are very sweet and god bless them I just know for a fact have never EVER seen the inside of one of these fucking places. It is coming from people who don’t want asylums to be seen as scary places because they want the mentally ill to want to go to them. To help them, ostensibly, but a tiny little cynical “fuck everyone” part of me thinks it’s more like to sweep their mess into someone else’s room so they don’t have to fucking handle it.

Now, before I continue, let me stress that the place I was in was a bit renowned for being a terrible shit hole. I’m sure my experience would have been a lot nicer at a suburban 50k a day mansion rehab for celebrities in the hills of Los Angeles. You don’t condemn all hotels in the world because of one particularly traumatic stay at the bumblefuck nowhere clown motel next to the old graveyard (yes that is a real thing), right? And unlike hotels, there’s no such thing as an asylum critic. A lot of people do NEED to be hospitalized for safety, and a lot of people DO, through one method or another, find themselves better off by the end of their stay. And I’m sure the go-to solution for any and all of life’s problems isn’t “tranq them in the ass and throw them in an isolation room” in EVERY hospital. But I get a sneaking suspicion it’s most of them. With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s continue.

Mental hospitals are the most terrifying fucking places in the world. Every time one of my well-meaning friends who’s never been committed says they think a brief hospital stint would do me good, I want to throw a blender at their fucking head. Every one of your relatively well-adjusted but probably on an anti-depressant or anxiety meds guidance counselor and social workers friends will list their good qualities until they’re blue in the face and tell you it’s not at all like the movies and there’s nothing to be scared of. It’s not like the movies, most of the time. Not exactly. But that resort and bond with people who have been through the same thing as you and time to work on yourself and group therapy and art class pitch they sell you on? Yeah, it’s bullshit.

Let’s continue with my story. When I was brought in from the main hospital, they first sent me to acute. I’ve been to county jail, and I’ve been to the acute treatment (read: high risk/high security) wing in an asylum, and I would pick county. Every fucking time. Bless her heart, my patient and long-suffering girlfriend at the time, who had been by my side for the whole process, was sitting next to me and holding my hand as they did the intake survey. They were at least compassionate enough or smart enough to know I would be a lot more placid and manageable with her around to let her stay for the intake process. Outside, the hallway was dark, one guy was on a prison-style wall-mounted phone, some dudes were playing cards, a woman was wandering up and down the hallway....and up and down and up and down and up and down the hallway. And from somewhere, someone was screaming. Not words. Just...screaming. Nobody seemed to do anything about it, see what she was screaming about. I don’t know if it was agony, misery, or fury. Maybe some combination of the three. On and on and on, with breaks seemingly only to get her breath back. I was in the acceptance stage at this point, and was busy shutting down emotional channels one by one and going into survival mode, steeling myself for my stay, but my girlfriend at the time...she looked terrified and broken-hearted. The thought of her leaving a loved one in this windowless pit (this wing, you see, was underground) destroyed her. I could tell. It would me, if I were in her situation. It is a traumatizing situation to be in. There’s no way out, nobody believes anything you say unless you tell them the worst, you can see that woman out in the hall passing back and forth and back in forth in the door window, and someone is screaming like she’s in Hell. Maybe she was.

The screaming was when I first realized an ugly truth and my morals were shaken into a grey zone: people who are mentally ill can be pretty fucking scary. Even if they’re harmless. I never saw that woman or found out why she was screaming. But in that moment, I desperately feared her and hoped I would never find out. It’s easy now for me to look back on her with compassion and pity and feel ashamed for my reaction, wish I could have helped her, but then...I was already in a fragile place. She scared me. And this leads to the next conclusion, even worse. You scare other people, and maybe it’s understandable that they’re scared. 

I deeply repress my anger. I have never in my life been violent or had the urge to be, and I don’t plan on changing that. But my anger is repressed. It can take a lot of battering before it shows itself...but when it comes out, it’s in a sudden, explosive, deep-throat scream worthy of a jump scare in a horror movie showing a protagonist is losing his mind and can’t be trusted any more. I usually only get about half a sentence out in this way before I scare myself, my eyes go wide with horror, I clap my hands over my mouth and run out of the room crying. But by then it’s too late. I got so drunk so often I forgot huge chunks of my past and have no idea what I said or did. I emotionally wounded people. I acted unpredictably. I asked to borrow a friend’s cigarette while she was DRIVING, and casually, with no warning, ground it out on my arm. My girlfriend often found me passed out through booze or asphyxiation or covered in blood. Crazy is undeniably scarier to live with than it is to witness, and I often get frustrated when it feels like people don’t remember or fully understand that. But...that doesn’t mean witnessing it isn’t fucking horrible. People were being perfectly rational to be afraid around me. Never afraid OF me, everyone who knows me knows of my physically gentle nature (with others) and desperate desire to be a good person. But they were afraid: afraid of my behavior when I wasn’t in control, of what reckless and insane shit I might do to self-destruct and/or inadvertently hurt people around me.

Thankfully, my intake survey and a nurse who noticed my relatively normal behavior both indicated I should be in the (above-ground!) high-functioning wing, so I was quickly moved there. I never figured out who that scream belonged to. But even in high-functioning...it wasn’t much reprieve. A woman shit the bed, a man fresh out of acute regaled us with stories of getting tranqed and thrown in isolation because he had barricaded himself in his room with all his furniture and berated the orderlies as they tried to force their way in about “you should really bolt the furniture down it’s a safety risk I could be killing myself in here” because he was bored. My only friend in the wing, who I really did like quite a lot and still do even though we fell out of touch, had a roommate who was always acting like she was just on the edge of doing something fucking stupid. Once, her husband smuggled her a shaving razor, which she whipped out in front of my friend, waving it around and threatening to kill herself. When my friend alerted the orderlies, this woman put it (IN ITS CASE I always feel I should clarify) up her pussy to hide it and feigned ignorance, resulting in my friend going to isolation. No tranq though. This was the high-functioning unit, after all.

Your one-on-ones with the psychiatrist were roughly 3-5 minutes in length and consisted of medication questions and asking if you were literally going to beat your head against a wall until you died in the next 15 minutes, otherwise talk about it in group. The more you insisted to this man that you were fine and shouldn’t be here and inquired about the legal status of your incarceration and when you could be released, the worse he thought you were. 

There were times to gather and talk about feelings. There was art. Some people were very good at it. Visiting hours. But most of the time was just...sitting. Sitting, bored out of your god damned skull, so bored you might just barricade your room with all of its furniture and laugh and laugh and laugh as the orderlies try to force their way in. The patient man doesn’t need to inflict physical torture to break someone. Isolation and boredom do things to the human mind, maybe sooner, maybe later, but...up there, I said hospitals make a lot of people better. They also make a lot of people worse. Then they have to stay for longer. When they’re finally released, they don’t remember how to live in the normal world and soon end up back inside. 

Just like prison. Make no mistake, the asylum is a prison. A prison where nobody believes a god damned word that comes out of your mouth. A prison for people nobody wants to deal with. A prison where they stick you with people whose crazy does NOT fuck with your crazy and you start to think maybe people are right for not wanting to deal with you after all. That’s the worst part of negative emotional reactions to symptoms of mental illness. How god damned much they remind you of yourself. The trauma I mentioned off-hand up there was that my ex from High School may or may not have abused me it’s complicated and fuzzy i don’t remember it’s not important. What is important is a new girl came in once who casually admitted to abusing her boyfriend. I backed away slowly and retreated into a private room, where my one friend had to comfort me. Later, the class clown, Mr. Barricade Tranq-in-the-Ass, made a rape joke in front of her. A rape survivor.

Everyone’s mind breaks in very similar ways, but for very different reasons and with just different enough symptoms and fears and psychotic hatreds that there WILL be people in your unit you fucking hate, whose crazy and yours grind on each other’s gears. There will be people you are afraid of, people you’re stupidly attached to for no reason other than they’re there and nice to you.

Throwing all these people in a hole and throwing away the key does not create an environment conducive to anyone’s mental health. Then, of course, there’s the treatment. Yes, like I said, if you’re willing to petition like 5 people about it and constantly remind them, you may get some good one-on-one time. You may get some good nuggets out of group therapy. You might make nice art. Mostly, though, they cut you off from the outside world and take you away from everything you love and put you with a bunch of potentially terrifying strangers and just fucking leave ya there. To rot. 

The problem with mental hospitals is the problem they’ve always had. No, obviously nobody’s head is in a cage and they don’t electrocute and lobotomize you, but the theory is the same. They want you to stop being crazy. But first, and foremost, they want to keep you there and keep you under control. That is the primary goal. Not treatment. Keeping you there and controlled. I suppose if you consider the history of asylums it’s quite humane, but I wasn’t joking up there about the tranqs in the ass.Everything from death threats to trying to pork another patient to getting too lippy with a nurse is treated with the tried and true ass-tranq isolation room. How long will you be in there? Who knows!! Until they remember they put you in there and/or the shit that you’ve smeared on the walls starts to smell. 

And all of this leads to the most horrible conclusion of all, the kind that makes people truly lose their minds if they think about it too long in that Lovecraftian/Poe kind of way where your hair turns white: maybe there is no right way to handle mentally ill people, and if there is, we sure as fuck haven’t found it yet.

The mentally ill are oppressed and deserve compassion. Love. Support. But we can also be terrifying to the mentally well, to each other, to ourselves...and forcing all of these people into a cage they don’t want to be in with strangers who they’re irritated with and scared of who are irritated and scared right back at them and leaving them in this weird, artificially constructed, regimented society until you deem them fit to leave is....ha. Well, it’s crazy!. And it is scary. And it can and often does make people worse. 

So please, don’t...don’t say mental hospitals shouldn’t be seen as scary or shouldn’t be used in horror. By all means, do it. But do it well. Look to Outlast. See, in Outlast, the set-up is very trite. Big asylum, patients escaped and massacred the staff. But you’re there on a tip that human rights abuses and clandestine experiments were being performed. Most of the inmates are doing vaguely unnerving shit but are harmless, just like a real hospital. Some are just fucking watching TV. And the game is never satisfied with “this guy’s crazy.” Walker, the ‘UGE FUCKIN GOI who everyone’s terrified of has awful PTSD and if you listen to his idle dialogue, is always muttering about containment protocol and stopping the spread of something. And by the end of the game, you realize he might not be as crazy as he seemed, and that the patients massacring the hospital staff was completely understandable and maaaybe even a little bit their own fucking fault. One guy, in an absolutely heart-wrenching and my absolute favorite part of the game, is just sitting broken in a burning kitchen talking about how this place took everything from them because nobody cares about a few abused or dead lunatics, so he’s gonna burn the whole fucking thing down.

You know what it basically comes down to? Most of the crazy people aren’t dangerous. Some are, but the ones that are have clear motivations. Crazy ones, but motivations. Almost like........ooohhh the point emerges REAL FUCKING PEOPLE! Make villains crazy. Well, all right to be honest, it wouldn’t hurt to slow down a bit on that, but I don’t want it to stop entirely. Depict asylums as the Hellish shit holes they are. But for God’s sake, just write mentally ill people like human beings. A human being you can’t understand isn’t the same thing as a non-human. Nobody does things for NO reason at all. If you’re writing a crazy villain, don’t make him evil because he’s crazy and the symptoms of his crazy are being evil; if you’re setting something in an asylum, make sure the horror doesn’t start and end with guys in straightjackets frothing at the mouth and screaming about how they want to fuck whoever’s walking past them in the aorta. 

I don’t want the truth about us, our condition, our capacity for harming those around us, or how fucked up it is how society treats us because it has no idea what the fuck it’s doing sanitized because it’s difficult to deal with and there are no clear good guys.

[pedro-de-suno]

UPDATE!

This is pretty on point, but I would like to pinpoint a few moments, as a Ukrainian that is currently in the country and living through this

(03:04, 28.02.2022)

1) Yes, we are doing much better at this then the Russian army, it's just the biggest problem with them is air attacks.

2) We are not being notified/don't spread news about deceased soldiers. We do get news every evening and at the middle of the day about the loses of civilians, regular ones, kids and people who joined territorial defences.

3) Yes Elon Musk did say in twitter that he will provide Starlink services to us, but it's either taking a lot of time or I don't know what's wrong with it. Because for the last two days (if not three)the Internet got pretty horrible compared to how it was before that. It takes a while for pictures to be shown at social media such as twitter, if they download at all. And it's a problem with literally every site and any content on them, tbh. It's tolerable only with Telegram (messenger) in my experience.

4) I don't remember personally reading stuff about our people fishing Russian soldiers at dating apps so I can't claim it true or untrue, it kinda sounds like bs and I don't have the mental resources to fact check the not that important thing.

5) Yeah, it's becoming apparent that they military is a tad bit overpraised, but I wouldn't go as far as say that there's only 19 years olds, there's a lot of grown man as well. And a lot of people that did know what they were going to do, because they still attack our forces unapologetically, yk.

6) (The update)For some reason I forgot to add that there's also one inaccurate thing. Kazakhstan isn't helping Russia, but Chechnya does actually, just as Belarus does. Ramzan Kadyrov provided his troops (they're called Kadyrovzi, they are infamous for how violent and cruel they can be). And they are being actively used. When we get reports of the destroyed enemies troops we sometimes got to know that parts of Kadyrovzi where killed as well. And I would personally say that Checnya is much more of an active Russia ally, than Kazakhstan, but its just my personal opinion, lmao. Also going back a big reminder that a lot of bombing and air forces used against us are Belarusian forces. So there's some help for Russia too.

But there's still some serious threats from them, and it's mostly to do with radioactive threats. They got Chernobyl, and we have already received news about the slight increase in radioactive background levels because of the heavy Russian tank riding through the territories and raising the radioactive dust that was settled in the ground. And now that same dust is sticking to the tank and other military forces, and Russian soldiers breath it in and get it in their systems, where its impossible to really get it out. And they very easily can spread it. It's also hard to make sure on our side that the sarcophag is really alright and there's nothing funky going on inside. We also can't ensure that Putin or the dumbass soldiers won't mess with it. It's one of the things that brings the most anxiety to people.

Along with that Russians bombed an oil depot (dunno how to call it properly in eng, but it was chemically dangerous situation). They nearly got a station in Kiyv where there is being safe keeped radioactive waste, but they did destroy the systems of monitoring the radiation, so here's it. A big ass fucking risk. They also bombed gas pipeline in Kharkiv. And to end this up Putin is now have a major fucking hint at the possibility of using nuclear weapons 👍👍👍👍👍

Sounds fun, right? /sarcastic

Because it's actually horrible and just Chernobyl and nuclear weapons use is the things that make the confidence of it all fall apart bit by bit.

Yeah, we do nail it with the other things as much as we can. But it's still not that great with the last thing I mentioned. So we really need support from the rest of the world. And we really need Russians to try harder and harder to make their government stop and probably overthrow it. Because we can't do it for them.

All of us are really grateful to all the counties that provided us support and to people that protest, provide help, go to fight with us and other things. It's truly appreciated.

So, here's the end of my rant. Hopefully it was of use to you guys and you found out something new.

- Sincerely, a regular Ukrainian.

Apologies for any grammar or typo mistakes, it's late and I'm very tired :')

Ukraine, 26th Feb, 2022

A friend of mine told me yesterday that he didn’t realise how much Ukraine meant to him until now. I posted yesterday about the time we spent there, and we’re all getting super pre-occupied about the invasion. As I said in that post, I can’t get our waitress out of my head. I can sort of remember what she looked like now. She had an undercut. I think maybe her hair might have been blue? But - I will never know if she lives through this, and it’s driving me very slightly mad.

So naturally, my husband spent all day yesterday obsessively researching everything he could about it with the help of his journalist friends, as a way to help me process it.

This post is me putting it all in order, as a way to try and process my own emotional response as much as anything else (I freely admit there is an element of self-indulgence here). Please don’t take me as the spokesperson for Ukraine right now, nor as a solid reliable news source. But, I haven’t seen this stuff except in bits and pieces on Tumblr, so here we go.

(This is also not about why the invasion has happened. This post is solely about what has happened, and how the invasion is going.)

So, Putin and the rest of the world believed that this invasion would take 1-4 days. The plan was to push through fast, take Kyiv, and force Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the Ukrainian President, to surrender. Given Russia’s military might, it really looked likely.

Here is the conclusion of all that’s happened so far:

Ukraine is absolutely nailing this??? Actually???

They managed to defend every single city overnight, including Kyiv. They started rolling out and using these WW2-style anti-tank thingies that look a bit like angry gabbions, look, here’s a picture of one being delivered:

A bunch of spare iron girders turned into a hefty octopus of Russian misery, basically.

But it’s not just tanks they’re taking down, oh no. Ukraine successfully shot down a transport plane 20km from Kyiv. That is, I shit you not, the single biggest hit to the Russian military since the Second Chechen War. Volunteers from Lithuania, Poland, Latvia, Estonia, Azerbaijan and Israel are all entering Ukraine to help fight and bolster the anti-Russian forces, which is probably illustrative of how Eurovision voting is going to run for the next decade. Most countries have banned Russian planes from their air space. To help stop the Russian advance, Ukraine has made and installed new road signs, like this one:

I can only say a handful of sentences in Ukrainian, Tumblrs, but as I understand it, from top to bottom, it says:

“Fuck off”

“Fuck off again”

“Fuck off Russia”

Meanwhile, it turns out the Russian military might we feared is… possibly not quite as advertised?

They’re underfunded and badly trained. Ukraine captured 200 soldiers in one go, and most of them were confused 19 year olds with no training. The equipment is shite. The tanks keep running out of fuel. Russian soldiers keep abandoning their tanks and handing them over to the Ukrainian army. Putin’s plan was to take Kyiv fast and move on, and he didn’t have a plan B - hence these kids, playing soldier. Here is an image of a Russian tank receiving roadside assistance from Russia’s finest, an old Lada.  

No one expected Zelenskyy to survive the night; but he did. America offered him asylum in the White House.

But he said no. 

Zelenskyy remains in Kyiv, with his people.

And Putin, in his desperation to be adored, has turned Zelenskyy into a global icon and hero.

Here is something you may not know about Volodymyr Zelenskyy - he used to be a standup comedian. Was he any good? No idea - but what he IS good at is producing funny short videos he can put on Twitter and that, which are absolutely fantastic for Ukrainian morale. And morale is vital in an invasion like this, and Ukraine are smashing it out of the park there.

They are utilising the internet to its fullest extent. In addition to Zelenskyy’s videos, they’ve made sure that the final words of the Ukrainian defenders of Snake Island are known and now echoed around the world: “Russian warship, go fuck yourselves.” A video has gone viral of Ukrainians mocking a group of Russian soldiers whose tank had broken down and who didn’t know the way to Kyiv anyway, presumably because of all the new road signs. They have created a website that lists every single Russian death they can identify, partly so Russian mothers can have closure (thus also painting themselves as the defenders of decency and humanity), and partly for the enormous morale boost of the world knowing, categorically, that they’ve already killed 3700 Russian soldiers (over 100 of which were from that transport plane.)  Not one word has leaked of Ukrainian casualties. I’m sure they’re devastating, but for morale purposes, they’re being kept quiet until the dust settles. Ukrainians have started setting up fake Tindr profiles to catfish Russian soldiers for intel, and they’re all 19 and lost, so it’s working. Plus, they’re using Grindr to actually track where the soldiers are, because it turns out Putin was not entirely correct about there being no gays in Russia.

So, Russia wants to cut their internet access. Can the Ukrainian Minister for Digital Transformation, Mykhailo Fedorov, shame a billionaire into providing aid?

This is crucial, remember. Atrocities happen best in the dark, and the world is watching - because of the internet. Morale is vital to maintain. Can they convince Elon Musk to help?

Yep.

Ukraine now has the fastest internet service in the world. The fastest, most stable internet service in human history, in fact. Russia cannot now disable it. The world watches.

Which is just as well, because then Anonymous decided to get involved, and have leaked the website database of the Russian Ministry of Defence. Lol. Also this happens:

And then the Russian propaganda channels started broadcasting the truth of what is happening in Ukraine. Double lol.

So what is the political response?

Well, in addition to closing airspace to Russian planes, loads of countries are sending weapons to Ukraine. Those that can’t are offering asylum. They’re also offering asylum to any Russian soldiers who surrender or defect, which is startlingly good tactics, and there are rumours of around 5000 Russian soldiers who have done just that. Germany, of course, has long had a block on lethal weapons transfer; but Germany recognise this shit for what it is. They’ve lifted the block, thus allowing the Netherlands to send weapons. Efforts are now underway to fast-track Ukraine into the EU. I presume they will consider the lack of pint glasses with crowns on to be a worthwhile price to pay.

So what about Russia’s supporters?

Belarusian leader Alexander Lukashenka helped Russia with this invasion. Now, this has happened:

Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya was actually elected president, but some wild nonsense kept her out of power. She’s now running a government in exile. I have literally no idea what this means or will mean! But my god. She has a spine of steel, and this is not a good time to be happening for Putin. 

And it’s really, really not, because then intel on a meeting of Putin and assembled Oligarchs LEAKS (hello Anonymous, probably). The highlights:

This war is costing Russia $15bn a day

He expected it to take ONE TO FOUR DAYS TO WIN

It’s been two days and he is losing very badly, currently

They will run out of rockets by day 4, maybe sooner

After that they will be down to rifles and ammo

It will take 3-4 months to make more significant weapons, except they need raw materials, and the countries that can provide them… have cut supply lines

If the war lasts 10 days, Russia will have completely run out of money and weapons

It’s only day 2, and Russian soldiers are knocking the doors of random Ukrainian homes begging for food and water because they’ve already run out

So, out of desperation, Putin turns to his greatest, closest and most trusted ally for help: Kazakhstan. 

And Kazakhstan

SAYS NO

And then Ukraine shoots down a second Russian plane.

Anyway, I’m going to finish off with a final point. Morale is vital in this situation, so here is the message from the Ukrainian government at the minute, to everyone watching around the world:

Be VERY SUSPICIOUS of any negative news about Ukraine. Russia uses misinformation and propaganda. They will want to damage Ukrainian morale.

Use your social media to spread news of Ukrainian victories. 

Don’t give oxygen to negative stories. Especially since they might not be true.

That’s genuinely something we can do to help. Every victory of Ukraine, blast it far and wide. So on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

Congrats to Natalia Antonova’s cousin’s son.

[trenchkoat]

transgender name & gender mark change resource post.

So now that everything is said and done, I want to talk about my experience about working to get my legal name and gender marker changed. I live in Florida, so prices and locations will obviously differ. Brevard County, Melbourne thankfully as all of their legal offices together in one section, so it’s easier to travel back and forth. This is in hopes that helps people to get it done as quickly as possible, as the information I found on an official Transgender Equality site was grossly outdated. I did these at the same time after my name my hearing was complete and all I was asked for at the SSA and DMV were for the court order and the affidavit. That’s literally it. It was done in 15 minutes once we were up.

DISCLAIMER: This may not be relative to all counties, states, etc. However, this is not a controversial case and your agents under no circumstances are legally obligated to give their opinion or refuse you because you are transgender. This is an every-day thing for them. If you ever wind up with a clearly troubled agent that refuses your name changed based on your gender orientation, file a complaint, I don’t know the process, but do something, holy hell.

IMPORTANT: If you are changing your female or male name to another that is for the opposite gender (say, Debra to Michael or vice versa), you will be asked to provide an affidavit from your physician, therapist, or - if you’d had top surgery in my case, from the acting surgeon who performed this surgery. I was given it after I was checked out as a patient, I imagine others do this as well. DO NOT LOSE THESE DOCUMENTS. The affidavit will also be used as proof for your gender change.

I. Filing for the name change.

I made the unfortunate error of looking to the internet for this information instead of asking those who created it in the first place. Of course, like me, you might be turned around as well and not be aware of the many branches of the government and who takes care of what.

First of all, the Court of Clerk is responsible for all of this, and there is no charge to go or do anything, especially if it’s to ask questions! Once I was at the desk, I explained that I actually had no idea what I was doing, but this (outdated) packet told me that this is where it all began. You have to go to the one in your county that you are currently residing in and be able to provide an address of that residency.

Everything begins with the Legal Petition for Name Change, or Petition for Legal Name Change, however it may be worded. You’re allowed to ask for a copy of this and I imagine, if it’s not free, a copy of the entire thing and everything document you’ll need to fill out (you may need to ask for more information on certain points like me) would be like... two bucks? Even certified copies of documents are inexpensive.

1. You will need to visit your local sheriff department and request your prints are taken for background check. This was about $20. You don’t have to tell them what it’s for other than a background check and legal name change.

A note: At any time you can have the file actually, well... filed. It ranges from county to county, state to state, but comes to somewhere around $250 to $401. I know this sounds expensive and yes it is, but I imagine this is so their time isn’t wasted for people filing for their name to be changed to “Batman V. Superman”. This is a serious legal matter.

2. This is usually the suggested first step as the background check can take from a week to a month, maybe more. I imagine it depends on the location and what their work looks like. This will be sent electronically as a sealed document to your Pro Se agent you will have submitted and filed everything with - this agent is still at the Court of Clerk and you will be directed to them. Once this is all there, along with everything else in the document filled out, your case will be listed “complete” and ready to proceed to the next step.

Another note: Everything in the packet is pretty basic, your name and history of work, asking if you’ve ever been bankrupt, etc. You will have to (at least I did) list as many residences you’ve lived at since you were born so this is something I went to the parents for. If you do not have this access, I imagine you can ask them if you can put the last one you remember. For example, I had some missing and I said neither my mother nor myself knew where it had been; this didn’t affect anything at all for us.

II. The hearing itself.

Once everything is uploaded to your case number, including the background check which again may take longer than expected so it’s advised to get it done ASAP and file along with it, no waiting game. You will be assigned a judge, a case number, and be asked to call the judge’s secretary (not sure of the actual job title, I’m sorry, Theresa) to arrange a court date.

I was told that you will not be able to choose your day or time.

Now, as I mentioned before, in Brevard all our legal branches are in one district, rather right across from one another or on a different floor. For me, on the date of my hearing, it was on the third floor of the same building as the Court of Clerk. I signed in, waited until I was called, and went in.

They might ask you to fill out the Final Disposition form as best to your knowledge (of course not signing for the judge, that would be stupid), I forgot to because I was in a rush but that’s alright, Theresa helped me out with that.

NO THIS WILL NOT TAKE PLACE IN THE OPEN COURTROOM YOU SEE IN SHOWS AND MOVIES. Or, God, I hope it doesn’t for any of you. That would be insane. It was simply in the honor’s chambers. She came out and sat down and welcomed me. The process consisted of handing her my information and affidavit. She read everything, it all looked good, and she asked me the usual questions after I swore that I would tell the whole truth, etc. I am doing this to escape bankrupty or any legal trouble? Things like that.

When asked to give a reason, you merely have to say that you are transitioning and looking to change your name to your now preferred. If they ask for any proof regarding your “trans-ness” (and I can’t imagine that is in the least bit professional) you are not obligated as far as I know? Because that’s most likely a breach of your own privacy and overall... shitty???

Once it was all squared away, she signed and wished me a good day! Theresa made me official copies to keep, and others were e-copied to my official files.

It was done.

II. The judge isn’t responsible for the gender marker.

This comes down to the SSA (Social Security Administration), and I had been turned around by this. It apparently isn’t a “legal” matter in terms of the judge needing to be convinced, as far as my research has led me. All they require is that affidavit, as well as your court order for name change if you’re doing them at the same time and... yeah, it was easier.

Again, no questions other than if I’m doing this to avoid yadda-yadda or have malicious intent. It took about... five minutes of my agent typing before going “okay, it’s done” and handing me a paper declaring that I had this done on said date. It didn’t cost anything.

She said it would be an “overnight refresh” for the system to log this actual change to be used for the DMV, but as far as I was concerned, it was official! And very, very shocking how smoothly and just... unbiased the interaction was. 24 to 48 hours is the suggested waiting period before going to the next part...

III. The DMV, getting that license/ID.

Okay, so the DMV can be horrible sometimes but not always and in regards to this, those agents still aren’t allowed to refuse your service based on you being transgender because you literally have legal documents and the SSA to prove them wrong.

All you have to say is you’re looking to update your name and gender marker on the license, you’ll be asked to provide the infamous documents we’re all learning to love to carry back and forth everywhere and it should be set. They might ask several times to check everything to make sure there are no mistakes.

If you’re updating your address from an old one, they’ll need two kinds of proof of this address, I don’t think it matters if your older name is on there, I remember that being stated. I literally did not have anything so she offered to, no joke, give me a basic level fishing license that would have my name and the address I wanted on it. This counts as an official document they can use.

So now I can properly go off-shore fishing, I guess.

I think for my initial ID it cost $20 to print but this time it was around $37, so obviously be prepared to pay for the new one. It’s nice and shiny and please look nice when you go because oh god, I had to ask politely if I could retake. My hair was a cowlick mess.

BEFORE I FORGET: Since they’ll clip your previous card to mark it’s no longer valid, it doesn’t hurt to ask if you should hang onto it in case you need to provide further proof of your “previous identity”.

IV. Other things you will need to update ASAP.

Obviously, you should have your birth certificate “amended” but I have not reached out to do this yet as I can file for it through the mail. And you should be able to anywhere, just look up where your closes Department of Vital Statistics is, what they’re called, visit their site to see if you can do it only, through mail, or go there for an appointment if that’s easier.

Note: I went through the process of filing for the name change but it didn’t give me the option of the gender marker change there so it’s probably best, if you go through mail or in person if you get the same as me on your branch’s site.

You’ll need all your lovely files packed up and ready to go, further proof of identification (SSN, I imagine, original certificate) and that’s why I would think going in person is better. Having those very vital documents being handled and wondering if it will end up in the wrong hands... yeah. I don’t know how long this process takes and I’m not really headed for it ASAP so okay maybe this one isn’t an emergency. As far as I know, the only thing a birth certificate is used for, or the reason you would need it amended, is to update your passport with new name, gender, etc. And yeah, oh, duh, put your passport on the list if you’ve got one.

I literally have no idea if everyone just has one or only needs one for if they’ve traveled out of the country before. My father is from England so we did a lot of bouncing back and forth.

NEXT!

Okay, this one actually is very important and should be done same-day or as soon as you can. PLEASE UPDATE YOUR NAME ON YOUR BANK ACCOUNT(S). I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT THE HELL WOULD HAPPEN IF SUDDENLY YOU WEREN’T ABLE TO ACCESS IT. You will have to show everything to your bank branch to get it updated for your account, again it’s a very unbiased and easy action. I was even given an enthusiastic congratulations from the clerk, it was very nice. There was no charge, I was given temporary checks as a back-up if anyone needed proof of who owned the account.

They did not cancel my current card but a new one will be mailed to you at the address provided with it. That didn’t change for me so updating that is beyond me. I imagine it’s the same as the rest.

Less immediate things that come to mind are things like... subscriptions to delivered goods, Amazon, Ebay, Etsy, sites like that. Obviously your paypal but the name change request is pretty easy through this process since you can now just fill out the form. I haven’t done it to its entirety yet but I assume they’ll ask for the scan of your new ID.

IV. Other notes and general advice.

> If you post your exciting news online anywhere with a photo of your new license, I recommend censoring out your DOB, current address if it’s on the front, obviously, and at least most of your ID’s number. Seems small but it’s still information that strangers who past the photo can use.

> This may take longer than it did for me, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting. I couldn’t sleep sometimes, I barely had an appetite as the days crept closer and the anxiety was pretty normal. It lingered once I got home with everything done... but it faded. What came next was PURE, UNADULTERATED EXHAUSTION. Please take whatever time off you need to recover or just regroup and let yourself breathe. I’m still waking up having no idea if the process was real or not and I am suffering from this weird disconnect of it all??

> Go crazy, celebrate! You did it!  I treated myself with ice cream and a nine-hour nap. For some this might be a mid-step or their last. I am a trans man who has yet to be on testosterone to for me, that feels like my “last” step in transitioning. There aren’t real milestones in transitioning, however, everyone goes at their own pace and does what feels comfortable to them. 

Wherever you are in your journey, I’m very proud of you.

If you see information that may be confusing, please don’t hesitate to message me personally asking for clarification and I’ll try to get back to or ask someone who may know.

If you want to include fees and locations and advice regarding your own county and state, please, please do. As I said, this was only for Brevard County in Melbourne, FL. I can’t imagine it doesn’t differ here and there.

Good luck, everyone.