#rejection and heartbreak rant 4

[thisqueernerd]

.

[therantsofawriterrr]

I have descended to heaven. I finished all 4 eps in one sitting. And i have descended to heaven.

Okay so idk if I'm right but i think that Cressida's gonna marry Debling. And they'll be pretty compatible i think. Plus redemption arc? Idk. They might go the book way and make her the ultimate villain.

also, i like that, FOR ONCE, there was a conclusion to the love triangle before the endgame couple got together. Debling confronted Penelope, asked her if she had feelings for Colin, rejected her politely saying he needed a woman who he could at least be amiable with,then wished her well. In S1, the Prince was still pursuing her when Daphne got engaged to Simon. And we all remember what happened in S2. It ended up causing heartbreak to the other parties. Now, I'm not gonna say that Debling wasn't heartbroken, but its not as bad as the rest of the seasons.

Also, LOVE LOVE LOVEEEE how they've used the actual book stuff! The kiss scene? If i remember right, that was word to word. Tho i did hope for Colin to ask her what she liked abt his writing but that'll be in part 2 ig. But bruhhhh, i love that they did take some stuff from the books. The last two seasons have taken some stuff but the dialogues were different as far as i think. ALSO THE CARRIAGE SCENE? GO POLIN! Oo also, if you'll notice, in the carriage scene, there's a split second scene or smn, where Pen touches Colin's hair, seemingly in disbelief, maybe indicating to the giggling scene in the book. Imma need them to add that honestly.

But i am shit scared as to what Colin will think when he finds out that she's Whistledown. Like, the show has used her a lot to show progression and inner feelings, but she has done a lot of harm to the Bridgerton family (even if it was to save them). I'm guessing it'll be acc to the book. Maybe. But the animosity he harbors is gonna be difficult to let go of. Let's see what happens.

When is part 2 coming out again? Two months later or smn? Idk. ALSO, ALSO, IS PENELOPE GONNA HAVE A SECRET ALLIANCE WITH QUEEN CHARLOTTE? Like, maybe the Queen finds out and meets Pen, only to tell her that she's had fun all these years and would like to continue doing so. So, in this way, Pen's protected AND she'll be able to do her work. Maybe the Queen will help with publishing and all too. Who knows?

Anyways sorry for the long ass rant i needed to get it out .

[hitechlatte]

Alrightie! Thanks for waiting FINALLY GOT POLLS WORKING!

This poll will run for a week and you can pick which fic I write first! Each of these fics will take me 4-6 weeks to write depending on their length so I’ll keep you posted!

More details about each of the fics here:

Rise!Mikey X GN!Reader:

You had been Mikey's friend for years. His best friend in fact.

He had two drawers in your dresser and his own bean bag chair at your place.

Every minor update in your life, good, bad or ugly, he was the first person you'd text.

And who else did he call at 3am to rant about his family or vigilante escapades?

But now... you’d be gone for a 2 year service with the Peace Corps. 

Of course he’d miss his best friend, but you’d be back eventually and you promised to call everyday.

So then why couldn’t he shake the aching feeling in his stomach?

Why did everything suddenly feel... different?

Rated T or M, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Two Idiots Sharing A Brain Cell

Rise!Raph X Irma

(This is Irma from the TMNT universe, just recreated with my own spin for ROTTMNT)

Irma’s internship with the NYPD was more than she could have ever asked for.

A job in her field, a possible switch to the FBI already in the works, and assisting her boyfriend on the occasional mission? 

She really had it made.

However, her romantic escapade with the red turtle was no secret around the office. So of course, her squadmates kept begging to hear the story of how the two of them got together.

So one lunch she finally caved and regaled the tale of how she fell in love with one of the infamous NYC turtles.

Rated T or M, Strangers to Lovers, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks/Telling Stories, Crime Fighting Adventures

Rise!Future Donnie X GN!Reader

This was really happening, Donatello Hamato had actually proposed. 

After everything the two of you had been through with the Purple Dragons, your memory loss, Baxter Stockboy and now your insane work schedules, this was a welcomed surprise.

And now with the wedding only days away, everyone had come to stay in the lair. Including, the renown Casey Jones.

However, you were surprised when this cool headed vigilante from the future stood in front of you, stammering uncontrollably.

“Y/N… I think- I- it’s um... time I showed you these… I’m sorry I didn’t before, it’s just- it's never easy to…”

You could see he was holding back tears as he placed the tiny USB in your hand.

“You have the right to read these… To know what happened.”

Rated M, Strangers to Lovers, Angst, Major Character Death, Heartbreak, Grief, Flashbacks/Telling Stories

Rise!Leo X Usagi

Raph had his police work, Donnie had his tech and Mikey was on course to be the next big chef.

But besides protecting the city, Leo had nothing.

So when Usagi suggested that Leo should try out for this year's Battle Nexus Tournament, the blue turtle swore he finally found his calling.

However, the elation quickly faded when rejection after rejection flooded his inbox, each justification for denial stupider than the last. 

A fighter with his skill should have teams begging him to join. But the only group even willing to include him on their roster was practically a pyramid scheme!

Leo was started to wonder if a mutant could ever make it in the Yokai world.

Rated M, Friends to Lovers, Angst, Mutant/Yokai Racism, Trigger Warnings: Sexual Harassment, Discrimination and Emotional Abuse

Thanks again for your love and interest! Can't wait to see what you all pick!

[tr4sh-hive-3]

i need HELP pLEASE (& thank you)

fuck fuck fuck fuCK fUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

i need help.

I am simply in shambles.

hi! my name’s pan, I’m 13, and I’m failing all my classes. Fuck! I’m so lonely. Everyone’s disappointed in me. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything. Please help me.

I want to do something. I need to do something, anything. I can write. I can go full fucking Hamilton on this bitch. Like tomorrow won’t arrive, like I’m running out of time, like it’s going out of style, all that jazz. that’s my only skill, but fuck it’s pretty goddamn useful. I can do five (5) things; read, write, think, talk, and love. last one probably wouldn’t be super useful for college.

okay, I think I’ve calmed down a bit. hear me out. I will post something on tumblr everyday. everyday. cause if I can’t do something regularly that actually takes consistent memory and planning and commitment and all that fucking jazz I’m gonna start having suicidal daydreams again. even if it’s a stupid shitpost, I need————fucking something. This post has been in my drafts for, probably, some amount of weeks. I didn’t even finish that last sentence, “I need-“. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Yeah, writing is not useful. Theoretically, it should be, right? I should be seducing teachers and colleges and all sorts of academics with essays, but I’m not. I’m not even that good at writing. Mama says I am but she’s fucking lying. She also says I’m beautiful and smart and hardworking. The only reason I don’t have suicidal fantasies is cause of my mama. I love my mama very much. But she’s a fucking liar.

I can’t write. (4).

The only thing I read is fanfiction. I’m just gonna be honest ‘bout that. I’ve read the first 5 chapters of Divergent and Jesus fucking Christ it’s boring as fuck. Hold on: reading test scores. I’m usually in the 99th percentile for reading comprehension/proficiency. And lemme tell you, every time I take one of those silly little tests, it does WONDERS for my ego. But I am unable to read regularly.

I can’t read. (3).

Pretty sure I have severe social anxiety. I’ve always thought I would be able to talk to and entertain and charm people easily. Because I can talk to myself. I’m always talking to myself in made-up scenarios. And I’m always charming and entertaining. It’s so annoying when I’m trying to socialize with actual humans and I keep stuttering and going quiet and covering my face in embarrassment. And at first I thought it wasn’t that bad. That I could make those annoying-ass mannerisms kinda cute, right? And I could lean into it and make “cute’n’shy” the selling point of my personality. I know that sounds super cringey. This whole post sounds super cringey. And my last post too. I’m so scared that everyone else thinks I’m cringey and annoying and obnoxious and too loud or too quiet and not worth talking to. Anyway, that selling point does not work. It just gives me more anxiety. And fuck if I know the impression it makes on anyone else.

I can’t talk (to other people). (2).

I think I might be cupioromantic. I’ve read about romance. I’ve heard it described as butterflies and ecstasy pills. Romantic, sexual attractions are supposed to be strong feelings. Or at least enjoyable ones. And heartbreak is supposed to feel physically painful. I’ve never felt any of those. I thought I was touch-starved, but there’s this guy that I don’t particularly like who says he has a crush on me and we cuddle at the bus stop and sure the cuddles are fine and I don’t mind his company but I am not attracted to him at all. For some reason, I thought cuddling with a tolerable person would be super nice? But it’s not. So now I’m kinda just doing it so he doesn’t feel rejected. Not that I’m leading him on! I’ve been very clear that I am very much not attracted to him. I guess we’re friends. He refers to me as his crush. I don’t like that. This love rant has gotten kind of off topic. Back on track; I keep having these fantasies with a nameless person in which I hold their hand, kiss their forehead, make them pancakes, sing them love songs, write them love letters, give them little romantic gifts, pet their hair till they fall asleep, etc. I’ve never actually felt that way about a real person. I might not ever feel that way about a real person. All this romance stuff is really confusing and annoying. I’ll just stick to platonic relationships for now. But I don’t have any friends. I really hope everyone’s indifferent towards me. It’s so much easier to be unknown than it is to be disliked. I’m not sure which one I am.

I can’t love. (1).

My grandfather patented a medical imaging thingamajig. He was pretty smart. He’s dead now. I’m actually typing this from one of his three phones that I inherited cause my old one got stolen. I always liked the bastard. My dad yelled at him a lot but he didn’t give a shit. He never got upset or offended or quiet or loud back when my dad was an ass to him. Maybe he wasn’t the best parent. His kids (my dad and tia) turned out to be some nasty pieces of work. Actually, just my dad. Tia’s fine—just kinda loopy and alcoholic. She’s really nice. Her husband’s an ass, though. And her son. I can’t really blame the son. His parents are a little subpar. I got off topic again. Sorry. It’s kinda late and I’ve been dreadfully sick these last few days. You’ve got an attention span of steel if you’ve made it this far. Sorry again, back on track:

Following the pattern of this text post, I am now going to prove my state of <no thoughts head empty>.

I overthink things. A lot. I think there’s something wrong with me. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe my thoughts are completely normal. Maybe this is what it’s like inside everyone’s head. But if I’m the same as everyone else, why is it that the average “everyone else” can function as a human being? I can’t function. I can barely brush my teeth everyday. Let alone exist bearably in a school setting. Grades are the only things that matter right now. And mine are shit. So I don’t matter. I can’t even force myself to try. All of it is so fucking boring. AND I’M OFF TOPIC. AGAIN. FUCKING CHRIST. MY GRADES? SHIT. GRADES DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS. INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? THINKING. ABILITY TO THINK. ABILITY TO BRAIN PROPERLY. BRAINING. BRAINING WELL. ZAPPING THE FUCKING BRAIN CELLS IN PROPER FUCKING ORDER. ALL THE BRAIN CELLS. FUCKING. BRAIN CELL ORGY. HOTEL? MOTHERFUCKING TRIVAGO.

Think? I cannot. Can’t think. I cannot think. (0).

Okay! That’s all five! I have zero (0) skills! Yay! Shit! I have provided evidence and reasoning. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally gotten to the end of this godforsaken text post. This bitch has been in the drafts for weeks. What was even the point of this? Is this what is feels like to finish something? To accomplish a task?

If you’re actually reading this, congratulations. You’re ready to kill god. If you haven’t already. You have the focus of a goddamn hawk.

I. Am. Going. To. Stop. Rambling

I. Am. Going. To. Post. Everyday.

(insert clever sign-off here)

[problematicdemon]

You know what? Damien x Oz hc that's been in my mind for a looong time: Oz was pretty jealous of Damien being more bold, fun, and confident than him and when they started dating. In a few weeks or months Oz started being not-so-shy and bolder due to Damien's influence and his friends are either proud or actually scared cause Oh God He's Really Chaotic Now

"OZ, NO--"

(Personal headcannon use of They/He for Oz will be used!)

It wasn't a surprise to Vicky, Brian, nor Amira when Oz started dating Damien. Its not like they HADN'T spent literally weeks talking well into the nights about their respective future prom dates and their exact method of woo-ing. The four spent days mapping out possible scenarios and ways to respond, literally all being fairly useless due to the unpredictability which stemmed from Spooky High. What they didn't expect was their loveable, shy little Oz to break out of their shell.

Now, this took time. At first, it really appeared that the two were bound to break up with how badly their overly confident and impossibly insecure personalities collided. Damien was more of an exhibitionist to put it lightly.

Sometimes, during one of Damien's outbursts, Oz would suddenly up and vanish. It would take the 4 hours to find him, only for him to be stuck up with Valerie, clearly having been quietly ranting about Damien's ego.

The best times the two would bond, showcasing the reality that this relationship wasn't going ANYWHERE was when Oz was feeling more confident than usual. Damien would tap into that shit like a hawk. It would grow really slowly, and, eventually, Oz was freely offering to do things only Damien would have ever offered.

One day, during Vicky's upteenth unsuccessful attempt to consol Brian's heartbreak from being decimated via rejection (Vera had literally, not figuratively, broken his heart), they witnessed the main hall slowly engulf into itself.

It was a bit of an odd sight to say the least.

Unknown, really, to most who know Oz, they're not just a lil' shadow with lil' shadow buds. He is the same kind of Eldrich demon as Zoe. Therefore, watching monsters sprinting out, screaming after being infected by pure, unfiltered fear was actually a NEW sight for the two!

When Oz exited, along with the tattered remains of the main hall returning, the smiley eyes were apparent to see, even through such an expressionless face!

Oz, while opening up, really had begun to delight in who he was, rather than running from it out of his own fear of cruelty (specifically not pertaining to garnering a sexy prom date)

After all, who better to teach to love one's capacity for cruelty than the prince of Hell!

It's a lot more fun, personally to Amira, to especially hear those little quips Oz would always keep to himself. He's actually fairly good at combacks, without all that anxiety backing him up!

He even became more open about his own fairly nerdy interests. Mainly due to Damien being upfront about his own (Especially that love of hairstyling). Damien was always a suckler for healthy relationships, and thats built on trust!

Most of the effects were positive on Oz, in essense, aside from...

Oz is really good at scaring them now.

Like really good.

And when them and Damien conspire together? Good god. Just two months after prom and the school had already been forced to change principals 5 seperate times due to 1) Fire (Death) 2) Insanity resulting from being forced to endure their worst fears imaginable for 6 straight hours and finally 3) a combination of the two that they used twice to test a hypothesis posed by Miranda: What happens if someone is in a fear coma and they catch on fire? The answer was death. Both times.

His friends adore that he's embracing begun the creature he materialized as!

Of course, the confidence comes with its fair share of realities. Oz is still quite introverted, even if he's more confident. He still has a social battery that drains pretty damn fast! But luckily for the two, Damien has also been affected by his fair share of Oz influence. A lot of the times, calmly watching an anime or cooking some food is just the down time they need. Even if they aren't quite talking to each other.

Overall, great improvement, 9/10 but they really need to talk about him randomly deciding to give them nightmares that last up to 99 years in sleep while only being four hours in real life!

[meher-sumedha]

Masterlist - Cause I desperately Needed one

My gift to all of you for Gwynriel week cause this took a hell lot of a time. And any time I update, I’ll just give the link for this in every headcanon. SOC oneshots are at the end.

Edit - I keep updating

Gwynriel FanFic - Jealousy and 18+, TW warnings

Read at Wattpad - Yes, I added all of them to wattpad as well. It was hard as hell.

Chapter 1 - Dinner with the Inner Circle

Chapter 2 - Leaving for the Summer Court

Chapter 3 - Gwyn’s Best Friend

Chapter 4 - Azriel’s Dream 

Chapter 5 - Training at the Summer Court

Chapter 6 - Getting Drunk

Chapter 7 - The Summer Solstice

Chapter 8 - Nightmare Suriels

Chapter 9 - Broken 

Chapter 10 - The Competition

Chapter 11 - Leaving the Summer Court 

Chapter 12 - Unknown

Chapter 13 - Planning

Chapter 14 - The Heist and The End

Gwynriel Headcanons - 

Gwyneth Birthday Headcanon - 1

Gwyneth Birthday Headcanon - 2 

Gwyneth Birthday Headcanon - 3

Gwynriel Heartbreak Headcanon - 1

Gwynriel Heartbreak Headcanon Ft. Nyx - 2

Gwynriel Mafia AU : Part 1

Gwynriel Fan Fiction - There ENTIRE story 

Read On Wattpad

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 - Introduction

Chapter 2 - A Lunch With The Inner Circle

Chapter 3 - Sex Banter

Chapter 4 - The Break Up

Chapter 5 - Does it Really Matter?

Chapter 6 - Gwyn Injured

Chapter 7 - What the hell is going on?

Chapter 8 - A lifetime is enough for making memories

Chapter 9 - He rejected the bond

Chapter 10 - Demons

Chapter 11 - First Date

Gwynriel Fanfic : After We Marry

Read on AO3

Read on Wattpad

Chapter 1 - Shopping takes an unexpected turn

Chapter 2 - Well, I'm Royally Fucked

Chapter 3 - NO!

Chapter 4 - Hell

Chapter 5 - I love her so much

Chapter 6 - My mate

Chapter 7 - Unexpected

Gwynriel FanFic - Bad Boy - Good Girl

Chapters 1 - 3 - Introduction

Gwynriel One Shots

1. Azriel Injured

2. Gwynriel Married

3. Gwyneth Dying

4. I love you

6. Gwynriel Pillow Fighting

7. Gwynriel getting drunk together

8. Gwyn's Little Crush

9. Gwynriel : Death

10. Gwyn jealous

11. We'll meet again

12. Modern AU : First Kiss

13. Modern AU : Movie

14. Yoga

15. At the beach

16. Sleep

17. Overworking Gwyn

18. Can you pick me up?

19. Daddy Came Back

20. Ft. Catrin - Do I really look like Mommy?

21. Ft. Catrin - Bracelets

22. Enemies to Lovers to ✨✨✨

23. Hero x villain AU

Gwynriel Week 2022 :

Day 1 - A Moodboard

Day 2 - A rant

Day 3 - A Headcanon

Day 4 - An AU Headcanon

Day 5 - Future Theories

Day 6 - Mating Ceremony

Day 7 - A Song

Kanej Headcanon - #kanej, #wesper

Inej giving birth 

Kanej and Wesper Child - A teenager.

Kanej : Broken

Also besties, do read the wattpad story and comment on every line. SANKYU. And also tell me if I should add the oneshots there or not. And lol even I didn’t know I had written so many.

[the-paris-of-people]

Hi. This is really not a question but more of a rant. A really really long one. I apologize in advance. I honestly care waaaaayyyy too much about this show than I should. Clearly too bored🙈.

After reading people's comments on this show and the ships, there are so many things that irk me and I thought I'd share even if I might get crap for it. So here goes:

1. "Ben only wants Devi when she is with Paxton." I.e. it's about Paxton. Lol people are funny. As though Ben thinks he can compete with Paxton on a social level. He's not stupid, he knows full well he can't. It's about Devi and in part her obsession with Paxton. People don't like thinking about things from Ben's perspective because they just don't like him. He's the one that finds out Devi is cheating, she runs after Paxton at the party ( now granted before she runs out, she's intensely staring at Ben and then realises Paxton is leaving but Ben's not gonna remember that) and she was busy chumming it up with Paxton in episode 3 in front of Ben with absolute disregard for him. So his natural defence is to guard himself and have his walls go up. It is a valid response. He burries his pain (exactly what Samberg said). And does not let his guard down around her romantically until episode 10 when Paxton literally rejects her at school. At the school dance, sparks are flying between those 2. Is Paxton around at the time...Uhm no (I'll get into the whole Aneesa thing). In his mind Paxton is out of the picture and it's like he can almost trust her again. And then when Paxton shows up with Devi, he basically feels like a fool for ever thinking that he was ever something more than 2nd best or sometimes anything at all ( especially considering Devi still wants Paxton after Devi and Paxton's last public interaction that Ben witnessed- I mean he does not get to see the shit behind closed doors). But then when Eleanor spills the tea, that look on his face is disbelief, yes a little bit of jealousy but overwhelmingly heartbreak. He is essentially watching the chance he never knew he had go away. Now you could argue that he should have known that she wanted him back but she broke his trust and does not explicitly say, " I want you back". Ben's not trying to get burnt again based on some assumption/hunch. He has been wrong before.

2. "How dare Ben be upset that Devi is with Paxton when he is with Aneesa". Fair point. Just like how dare Devi be upset and lose her shit over Ben and Aneesa. But yet it still happend. Devi gets 5 episodes allowing her to be upset and Ben can't even have one moment when a firkken bomb gets dropped on him.

Aneesa and Ben should have never date. Everyone knows that. He was never over Devi. He just pushed those feelings down to make him believe he was over her. I obviously don't agree with this. Aneesa doesn't deserve that. Ben needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet. He is similar to Devi in that he doesn't want to process what happened and would rather move on and react. However, his reactions are far less impulsive/severe as Devi's. Him dating Aneesa is unfortunately a reaction. He didn't give himself time to really process how he feels. People say he dated Aneesa solely to spite Devi which is not true. Is there an element of " you never wanted me but someone else does"... absolutely but Aneesa is also very kind to Ben, they get along really well and she puts him first. Technically what's not to like. I mean if it was just to spite Devi, could he have not tried to hustle his way back in with Shira?? Problem is that dumb dumb didn't work through his Devi feelings and let's just be honest, the same spark and chemistry he has with Devi, is missing with Aneesa. It often feels forced, especially in regards to the pace of the relationship. I so wished Aneesa remained friends with Ben. That's what he needed...not another relationship.

3. "Aneesa is so amazing, she doesn't deserve to get hurt." I agree. She absolutely doesn't deserve to get hurt just like Ben and Paxton didn't deserve that crap Devi pulled. I think Aneesa is a great addition and I like that Devi has someone within her community to connect to. I'm South Asian myself and I genuinely value this aspect of my own life. I mean she is pretty great, kind and the anorexia rumour Devi unintentionally started was pretty heartbreaking. That scene where she talks to Devi at the relay about it, is so sad (especially coz we as viewers know Devi messed up). Now that being said is Aneesa also low key shady? YES. And it's not because she dated her friend's ex. It's because she started dating him knowing that Devi started the rumour about her because she was jealous about Ben and her. How does she think Devi would go from being so jealous that she starts a rumour, to the next week becoming their biggest "Stan". Come on girl. But there was no way Devi could say no after the crap she pulled with Aneesa. Ben did ask her out so if there is blame, he absolutely gets it too but he didn't know why Devi started that rumour (based on his surprised AF face when Eleanor spills the tea). Which leads me to my next question. Why didn't Aneesa tell him? Aneesa said Ben was supporting her through the rumour. She probably told him Devi started the rumour but didn't tell him why? That is odd? Clearly if Ben had known, he may changed his perspective on Devi actually wanting him instead of ignoring his feelings.

Lastly Aneesa knows there are unresolved feelings between Devi and Ben. This is evident from that dance scene. She literally runs to cut in their pretty intense conversation. Like why you running girl? I didn't think much of it at first but coupled with another moment, it makes a lot of sense. When Ben agrees to dance with Aneesa, he looks back at Devi and lingers and Aneesa picks up on this and pulls him away. It's a blink and you will miss it moment but it is there.

Now all of this doesn't mean she needs to get hurt but they probably need to break up. Ben needs to be single for a while and work through how he feels about Devi, Aneesa and most importantly himself. Whilst I don't particularly enjoy their relationship, you never get to see it from either of their perspectives. Maybe that could change things but honestly I just prefer Ben and Devi.

Also can everyone stop acting like Ben is dating Devi's best friend. Being brown doesn't make you automatically best friends and Ben and Devi met Aneesa the same week. People are acting like he is dating Eleanor.

4. "Devi chose Paxton". Please! The only thought through decision that girl made in regards to these 2 boys is when she chose herself and decided not to be Paxton's little secret. I mean in episode 1 and 2 she can't decide so she dates both. In episode 3, she interacts with Paxton because of the whole tutoring thing. He says they don't makes sense. While she seems a bit sad she doesn't seem too upset like she is season 1 and she isn't looking for any opportunity to spend time with him (unlike season 1). Episode 4,5,6,7 and 8 she is losing her mind over Ben. Half way through 8 she knows she has no choice but to let him go. But even after that she doesn't pursue Paxton. He does that at the end of episode 9 when in all honesty she hasn't really thought about him in a while. Then of course Paxton does what he does and she finally choose herself, issuing an ultimatum essentially. Paxton does eventually show up...but it's a choice by default. She just yo-yo's between them. She also needs to be single, deal with her loss, love herself and think about what she wants.

5. "Devi loves Paxton". Sure bud. Does have Devi have feeling for Paxton? Duh! But is it love. Nope. People like to confuse infatuation for love. She has been infatuated with this boy this the 3rd (she knew squat about him). When her dad died, she turns that infatuation into an obsession. It like becomes a full time hobby in season 1. She ruins relationships over it. In season 2 you can argue there is more depth to it and Paxton does grow in Season 2. But somehow she is still fixated on the fact that it's Paxton Hall-Yoshida. I mean she smells him (totally normal), Mc Enroe's comment at the relay was, "did this hunk of beef just say he likes spending time with her", when she breaks up him she says , "you are very good at kissing" not possibly any of his other good qualities. And at the end she says , "I guess I'm Paxton Hall Yoshida's girlfriend now". This boy is so far up a pedestal that if he fell of it, he'd break something. Now granted if he fell of it in Season 1, he'd be dead. So progress I guess...

Maybe the relationship will change in Season 3 and she genuinely falls in love with him. I mean Id be sad but obviously a real possibility. But also that relationship needs to move on from being just the "Paxton project" which it was basically all of season 2. Maybe actually talk about her every once in a while.

Also people who find the ending so amazing because he shows up...bare minimum bro. I understand his perspective, how does it look to go back with someone who cheated on you. Fair point 💯. However she didn't start this shit up again. He did. He liked her so much that he had to make out with her In the middle of the night out of the blue but not enough to respect her publically. That's some BS right there. If he started it, he should have thought it through instead of guilt tripping her. But he is a teenager and ALL of them make incredibly stupid decisions (we all have). Devi messed up big time too and she apologized. The same compassion must extend to him but in no way is it a grand gesture, it's the bare minimum...like her apologies

6. "Paxton forgave Devi forgave Devi so quickly whilst Ben didn't and was so mean". He did forgive her pretty quickly. Good for him. However let's not act like circumstance didn't carve the way for that. They were pushed together because of the whole tutoring thing and he knows that they have to see each other all the time. So logically just makes sense to keep the peace. But still mature oh his part. Also he wasn't as emotionally invested as Ben. Did he have feelings? Yes. However, based on his inner monologue (Gigi Hadid) his ego took more of a hit because how could Devi, the "weirdest girl" he ever liked two time him with Ben Gross. Did his feelings deepen by the end? Yes. But at the start...it isn't that deep.

Also it's great and all that he "forgave" her so quickly but he sure did like bringing it up a lot. Like at the relay guilting her, upset at the end of 6 because he failed...I mean wtf girl you owe me- I don't really care what else is going on in your life, again in episode 8 in the car and finally we all know the mess that is episode 10.

In regards to Ben. His anger is justified for reasons stated in point 1. In fact his reaction seems more real because he is deeply hurt by Devi. Do I like some of his reaction (i.e. nose piercing-will discuss this further) ...nope but she only sincerely apologises to him in episode 8 vs 3 for Paxton. He accepts it. People acting like they would be so calm and chill about being cheated on. And yes he did cheat on Shira. He tries to kiss Devi at party twice but apologises that day and the following week. He doesn't try anything with Devi the whole of episode 10 until she kisses him. He acknowledges that it was wrong and immediately breaks up with Shira. Although cheating is not something we should condone can we actually acknowledge that Shira was the worst and doesn't even remember Ben's name. Compare that to Devi's premeditated cheating. Her Eleanor are literally laughing at how amazing they are for pulling it off and Devi didn't care about either of their feelings cause she was going to be India. Sorry but that is far worse. She also thinks she can bullshit her apology with Ben. He isn't here for that...which is fine! He kept trying his level best to avoid her but even that she wouldn't let him do.

7. "Ben is Horrible". Has Ben done some shitty things. Absolutely. People complain that he has never apologised for anything. Fair enough. He needs to apologize for the UN comment and the psychosomatic comment. It was incredibly hurtful. However, no one does call him out of it. Now you could argue he should just do it. Please... have you watched these particular set of teenagers? None of them apologise without being called out on it first(except maybe Fabiola). And you only get called out my your support system ... which Ben does not have. He practically looks like he raised himself. He doesn't have parents to put him back in line or a sister to call him out on his shit. Devi has her mom, cousin, grandmum , Elanor, Fabiola and her therapist. Does she ever listen to them the first time? Nope. And her first time apologies are such messes. She only gets it right the 2nd or 3rd time. All of them have some form of support but not really him. And it is heartbreaking. It's why I genuinely believe he needs to go to therapy. He needs an outlet to express everything he feels. He also needs to be held accountable for those comments and understand the root of it (ok let's be honest Devi even in their rivalry was probably the most constant person in his life, and fighting with her meant she stayed close by- it's a subconscious thing). He should apologize to her and also find better ways to communicate what he is feeling. The nose ring thing was manipulative. I agree. He should apologize. But I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't piss me off as much because I think it's pretty messed that it took that for her to realise how much she hurt him. Also tbh if you were willing to alter your body on a 2 minute thought out dare, you wanted to do it anyway. But again not a healthy way to emote on Ben's part. The David thing doesn't upset me because he knows how to pronounce her actual name. It's not like he doesn't know how and doesn't bother to try. It was part of their rivalry to irritate her. I honestly find it quite endearing as part of their friendship and think Devi does. I may be wrong and she may not like it and in that case he needs to stop and apologize.

I am not upset by him coming over to her house and calling her out about Aneesa. She deserved it. Also if she was that uncomfortable she could have taken him outside to talk like she did with Paxton. She is clearly comfortable enough to have him in the house. And her therapist agrees with Ben. If he hadn't, she wouldnt have known that Aneesa was leaving. Her mom took away her phone. And even then her first attempt at an apology was soooooo bad. And I don't think Ben did it solely to get Aneesa to stay so he could date her. This is Ben, he was willing to do long distance with Devi from India, I think he could have done the same with Aneesa from like the same town 🙄

I genuinely like Ben because he is a good kid. He makes mistakes like they all do. His personality is hilarious to watch but also his and Devi's relationship is so special. Me liking Ben and Devi has nothing to do with what Paxton has or has not done. I just like the dynamic between the two. They obviously care deeply for each other. Their conversations are hilarious. I love their banter. I love how comfortable they are with each and am sometimes surprised by the depth of their conversations. But also they have amazing chemistry. All the jealous looks and angst are between these two idiots pining for each other. I think she does have chemistry with Paxton but it's more because he is PHY, school Adonis. I mean let's be honest, he'd probably have chemistry with Fabiola solely cause he is PHY. The two nerds just match each other and it's so funny how often they are in sync. It's honestly adorable. They just get each other. That bathroom scene was the sweetest thing and also proves he's not this terrible person. She only comes out of the stall because of his support. He is genuinely hurt for her when technically it should have been a great moment for him.

I do believe the two have to be single for a bit before admitting their feelings for one another and moving forward. That's why my main thing for season 3 is that he absolutely cannot interfere in her relationship with Paxton. He needs to give her the space to figure that. Do I think there will be moments between them... absolutely but no cheating please. Everyone needs to move on from that. If they do it...I honestly think il be done with the show.

Anyways sorry for the really long ramble. If you made it to the end thanks for your patience 😌

Thank you for this beautiful masterpiece, I pretty much agree with everything and need to put it out there for the world to see

[shinjaeha]

itsay ep 4 (thoughts + spoilers)

idk even know how to even start this bc i feel like i’m just a big ball of emotions, and this ep was wild. so much happened. last ep was so wonderful and almost languid with how everything played out (esp since it focussed much more specifically on the shift in teh/oh-aew’s relationship). this ep had a bit more of everything, not just the two of them in their bubble anymore. societal forces at play, and hence much more angst. again, this isn’t a  proper analysis, it’s just me ranting and raving as usual as i semi-rewatch this again. this is very long, and there are a lot more things i want to think about in more detail at some point bc i’m mostly just skating over a lot of what happened but i gotta get these thoughts in my head out of me somehow. and i’m not sure if what i’m typing will even make sense bc i MYSELF can barely make sense of what i’m feeling but here i go anyway.

so we start off with the both of them kind of awkward after the night before which is fair enough considering what happened. actually when oh-aew’s habit started playing up again, i thought teh wasn’t going to scratch his back bc he was trying not to ~go there again after the night before, but he did and i was pleasantly surprised like oh...maybe things aren’t that bad?? (YET). also, i can imagine that it would have been reassuring for oh-aew too. like things have changed, but it’s not like teh has completely abandoned him. the touch itself is comforting, like when they were kids.

teh’s mum talking about how she wants both of her sons to bring their girlfriends around (and hounding him about bringing tarn around again) is giving me war flashbacks to my own asian relatives and i can feel the way that must crawl under his skin. I HATE when family members do that (and they always do). but for teh it must be esp hard bc he’s already constantly feeling like he’s vying for his mum’s attention over his brother, and now hoon’s bought back a girlfriend so it’s yet ANOTHER thing he feels like he has to compete with his brother over. in the back of his mind, he knows that he can’t give his mum what she wants if he’s with oh-aew (he can’t ‘win’ over hoon bc heteronormativity). teh is def prone to jealousy fairly easily, but i always feel like his emotions on that base level are also very easy to understand. i’ve been in positions like that before where i’ve felt like i’ve constantly been compared to someone else, and it makes you feel like shit. but also oh-aew having to sit through teh’s mum telling him to let her know if teh and tarn are dating?? ouch.

cue teh trying to avoid what’s going on with them and oh-aew being sad :((( they’re both in so much pain and i feel it and thank god i am no longer a teenager that’s all i can say about this.

the guitar in skyline instrumental is just...making me feel some kind of way. they have so many versions of this song and they always use the right version at the right time how is that.

so the tarn scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first thought: holy shit she looks so cute i love her crop top where did she get it i want one. second thought: but why did they make her wear a dark bra under such a light top?? i love that i was thinking this and then it all unravelled in front of me and like...the brilliance. the contrast between the scene in ep 2 (i think?) where teh accidentally peeks at her bra through the buttons of her shirt and gets noticeably flustered, and then this one where she literally wears the same bra under a light shirt ON PURPOSE to get his attention, but he doesn’t even notice?? the way she expects him to colour the hibiscus purple, but he colours it red for oh-aew instead?? it’s so incredibly telling of where his heart is at, and how his feelings have changed. anyway, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he’s just not all there with her anymore, and tarn isn’t stupid...she’s been picking up on the signals since the beginning (why was he so weirdly obsessed with beating oh-aew at the start? why was he willing to wake up at 4am for oh-aew but not for her? willing to tutor the rest of his friends but not spend time with her?). the way she sees him colouring the hibiscus red and it’s her wake up call, like wtf am i DOING bc of this guy????? i love how she acknowledges that her feelings for teh have made it so she’s solely focussed on him and that she hates the things it makes her do (like wearing the bra to gain his attention). ngl i was slightly worried with how they were going to use her character during these later eps with teh being so conflicted (since girlfriends in BLs are usually handled pretty poorly), but i appreciate that she’s still as fleshed out and full of feeling as she ever was. she’s so sweet, and i just wish she had better than this, but i’m glad she called teh out on it. i know he’s confused af rn, and tbh i don’t think he’s handled this as badly (atm at least) as i thought it could have gone, but at the same time, if he doesn’t decide and set his heart on what he really wants, he’s just going to end up hurting them all. LOVE that she basically tells him to get his shit together first before coming back to her. i like her so much. and that scene of teh just walking around and around at the back feeling conflicted while she drew? really reminds me of the squiggly line timeline(?) of how ep 4 was going to go that nadao released before this ep went live. also cmbyn vibes were real in that one.

the devastation in oh-aew’s voice when he asks teh to at least reply his messages ;;; it’s like teh wants to go back to just being friends and oh-aew has kind of accepted that at this point, but at the same time, teh’s not backing that up. he says he wants to be friends, but he doesn’t know how to act ‘normal’ about it anymore, so he pushes oh-aew away instead. good on oh-aew for not taking that shit and standing up for himself too. i absolutely cannot stand seeing oh-aew sad bc pp’s sad face/voice is so good it actually pains me.

notice how teh ALWAYS uses studies/tutoring as an excuse to get closer to oh-aew again...hmmm...does oh-aew see it for what that is now too? that “you’ve never understood me” hit me like a fucking train. to think that they were so attuned to one another last ep, but now teh’s too caught up in he’s own world to realise just how much he’s hurting oh-aew. thanks, i hate it.

i know that he’s needs to figure himself out more and i absolutely stand by the fact that he needs to do that without messing around with either oh-aew or tarn (and also that he’s using studies again to get into oh-aew’s good books instead of talking through feelings and all that), but the chinese idiom book that he made for oh-aew was actually SO CUTE and romantic. all this stuff he does for oh-aew to show that he clearly cares so much, yet he can never accept it enough to get the words out...

I SWEAR THEY PLAY THE INSTRUMENTAL SKYLINE JUST TO CHOKE ME UP. the darting around each other after the neck kiss COUPLED with the skyline instrumental?? it’s like a sad beach scene 2.0. teh making the first (intimate) move this time. every time he’s trying so hard to convince himself he’s not in love with this boy, and every time he keeps coming back. i always feel such a weird mix of happy and sad when i see them together bc i love them but i know teh in particular, is just not ready yet. like the hug scene made my heart leap, BUT they did it in hiding (under the staircase). all their big intimate scenes are in hiding and that just :(((

teh saying that he loves the seawater on his back bc it holds him up, and oh-aew saying but you have to hold your breath in that posture and it gets uncomfortable so he likes letting it go and just sinking sometimes instead (obv paraphrasing but you get the drift)?? THE WRITING IN THIS. it says so much without telling the audience directly...so poetic. everything about this show is so poetic. the way they sink into the ocean and into that space of oh-aew’s where you can just let yourself go without holding back, and then and only THEN does teh finally kiss oh-aew. and it’s beautiful, after holding back for so long, but it’s also painful bc he’s let go but only within this tiny pocket of space and time. in hiding again. that bird’s eye view shot where you can’t see them at all sealed it for me. like you want to be happy, but you can’t really bc you know that they’ve still got so much more to go...like when teh’s hand grazes oh-aew’s chest and you see oh-aew realise again...like that’s partly what stopped teh the first time in ep 3. when his hands stopped at oh-aew’s chest like it hit in for him that he was a boy. anyway, love that they gave us a skam kiss but i’m also very sad. on another note, how the hell did they hold their breath for that long?????

love that they gave us a further 2 more seconds of teh/oh-aew being cute (CONSTANTLY thinking about teh’s fingers dancing across oh-aew’s face and smushing his face in his hands...oh-aew holding the back of teh’s head...just a brief moment of carefreeness) before they went for the jugular. watching teh fight against himself in this way is what hurts. oh-aew begging him to just let go and accept what they are (the way he keeps going “what did i do wrong?? you feel it too!!”) but he’s so tortured he can’t do it. it’s downright fucking heartbreaking. the “one day i’ll stop feeling this way”...could have just stabbed oh-aew and it would have hurt less. all i know is i’m hurting for the both of them. the repression is real, and it just sucks. this whole thing fucking sucks for both of them (and tarn and bas too at that). idk it just gets me that oh-aew is coming out of this having been rejected once again bc teh isn’t ready yet. and i know this but it doesn’t make me any less upset. not at any of them bc it’s hard i know it’s hard...just at the situation. sometimes it feels like teh’s taking a step forward but then he takes two more back instead. the look on teh’s face when oh-aew was like let’s stop being friends...total devastation. i’m done. don’t want to think about it anymore.

i’m glad that oh-aew’s parents are so supportive of him though. i wasn’t sure how close they were based on their previous interaction but they really love him and i’m glad he has that stability to help him through this.

THE SCENE WITH OH-AEW AND THE BRA FUCKING BLEW ME AWAY. this show is always keeping me guessing, and again yet another thing that i wasn’t expecting but it was so visceral. the red of the bra in comparison to tarn’s bra with the purple hibiscus flowers on it...everything connects. oh-aew looking into the mirror with that bra on and thinking about how things would have been different if only :((( and then his breakdown when he realises that it’s not and that’s the reality of the situation. the feeling that gave me sits so deep within my chest i can’t even begin to carve it out.

teh masturbating when he sees that picture of oh-aew and to that picture of yongjian on his wall (idk why it only now just occurred to me that yongjian is always in red too)?? the self-hatred in this scene. the internalised homophobia. my heart feels so heavy.

he KEEPS reaching and it’s going nowhere bc it won’t ever be enough, and that’s not fair on himself and it’s not fair on tarn. like i understand what he’s going through, and i get that he’s extremely confused and needs the clarification, but when he asks tarn to tell her she loves him and he can’t do the same back for her...i just feel so, so, so fucking bad for tarn.

oh-aew hoping that the worksheets left for him were from teh (which would be very on brand of him), but then seeing bas :( maybe in another world, in another life (like teh and tarn)...but he’s such a sweetheart. bas, best boy ;;;

legit as soon as the gang came to see teh off to bangkok and talk to him about how oh-aew was doing terribly (and wasn’t planning on going to the admission exams) i knew where this was going to go. there’s been so much foreshadowing leading up to this, and this was also one of (if not my main theory) with how things were going to eventually play out. but tbh for some reason i thought it was going to play out later in ep 5...but like damn. damn. the way i understand but at the same time i kept going OH TEH :( throughout this. the utter STRESS this bit put me through. THE MISCOMMUNICATION.

anyway, teh’s love language is clearly acts of service. but it can really be to his detriment when he does things impulsively (albeit with care and good intentions), but he doesn’t use his words so things get lost in translation. sometimes actions just aren’t enough and you really do need words to communicate.

the confirmation scene was so tense...even now i’m just sitting here thinking about it and there’s a hole in my stomach at the thought of what teh must be going through and what he ends up doing. like when that last person on the list shows up and you KNOW it’s going to happen but at the same time it’s like a punch to the chest bc there’s just no doubt that teh’s going to turn it down for oh-aew...OF COURSE he would. oh-aew’s split moment of happiness before realising what teh’s done...the absolute dread i still have in me at the realisation of this.

the tension really kept increasing from here on in...teh coming home and his mum just being so fucking proud of him and telling everyone in the restaurant about how happy she is for him (all while teh is absolutely depleted), then tarn coming in and everything bubbling over when she realises what teh’s done too. realises that teh’s in love with oh-aew (smile is so great in this btw like WOW). the “you hurt me and i’m alright with that, teh, but right now you’re hurting yourself” broke my heart. absolutely love tarn as a character and only ever want the best for her.

when he tells his mum :((((((((((( and his mum just goes on about how hard he’s worked and how much he’s already sacrificed only for him to throw that away. he wanted her to be proud of him SO BAD, wanted to not be compared to his brother for once, only for him to give away his place bc he loves oh-aew more than he wants his mother’s praise. more than he wants to compete and ‘win’ against his brother. when she points to hoon and goes “why can’t you be more like him?” and he just loses it. like rubbing salt in the wound. i’m so glad hoon finally hugged him the way i’ve been wanting to this whole time. the banner congratulating him that teh’s mum made with all his materials from before :((( hoon giving him money for uni :((( you ever watch some things and feel like you’ll never be happy again...

okay the way that everything spiralled during the ig story fight?????? what gets me is that teh sacrificed his place thinking that oh-aew wasn’t going to sit the exam at all (he could have just talked to him and convinced him instead but ughhh i understand i get it). oh-aew thinks he did it bc teh didn’t believe he could get in himself (which of course then spurs him to give it up so he can get in through the exam instead). and when teh sees that, it’s like a smack in the face, like he went through all that only for oh-aew to reject it (him). it’s just layers upon layers of miscommunication and the anxiety of it all absolutely guts me. and then the anger mixing into devastation when he opens his book and sees how it’s all cut up. the remnants a reminder of everything he’s done for oh-aew. this boy that he adores but can’t accept he has feelings for. it’s just this mix of anger and sorrow and what have i fucking done?????? and how could he????? the cast were all fantastic but billkin really had to go above and beyond in this one and i could absolutely feel his pain throughout this.

TO PIGGY BACK ON THIS, like i said before, teh has always used studying/tutoring as a tool to get closer to oh-aew, but seeing that book with all the words gone was in part also him realising he doesn’t have that anymore. he can’t use that tool to get close to oh-aew anymore. the only way forward would be to actually get close to oh-aew without the pretences. and the saddest part of this all is that oh-aew doesn’t even NEED all of that (the tutoring, the book of idioms, the relinquishing of his uni spot)...the only thing he wants is for teh to ADMIT his feelings out loud. to admit that he feels the same way about oh-aew that oh-aew feels about him.

it’s funny bc in the last ep, the conversation that had me feeling the most nervous was when they’re talking at the cape, and oh-aew’s telling teh that he’s a rival and inspiration to him. i always KNEW this was going to come back to haunt them. like a constant circle. friends to rivals to friends to more than friends(?) to rivals. it’s a fine line. narratively, it always had to happen, and now they’re back to competing against one another yet again, and it’s going to be so tough bc they’ll have so much more competition on top of that as well.

next ep is going to be very, very hard on teh, but somehow after this ep, i just feel a lot more hopeful about it? i’m pretty convinced at this point that it won’t end in tragedy (which was the thing that i wanted least of all). of course i want both teh and oh-aew to end up together, but i can understand if they don’t. if this ends with them rekindling their friendship again, that’ll be enough for me. their relationship has been so turbulent and passionate that it needs some stability, and hopefully when teh’s in a better state of mind, when he’s at a place when he’s finally accepted all parts of himself, they’ll get there. so if that means it ends on them running to the cape together (even if they’re not technically together) fulfilling their promise to one another in the sunset, then that’s fine with me. i don’t mind an open ending if it makes sense in the context of the story, and i think something like that would. it’s like after such an angsty episode, you need a slight reprieve from it. i have no doubt in my mind that ep 5 will contain darkness, but i do think that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. so for once i feel truly hopeful about it.

i can’t believe we only have one more ep left to go...

[quickspinner]

Killer Combo - Ch 8 Epilogue

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 Epilogue | Bonus Tidbits | ART inspired by this story! |  AO3 | Fiction Master Post

Luka sat cross-legged on his bed, eyes closed, as he played the song again, listening hard for that wrong note, that chord that was just a little bit off, or whatever it was that he needed to fix. He shook his head slightly as he finished it, pressing his lips together. All the songs he’d written in the months since he’d gotten Claire back, some that he’d even been able to record in the studio thanks to his tournament winnings, and this had to be the one that didn’t want to come together. He’d been working on it the longest and it still wasn’t right, but he couldn’t figure out why. 

“I like this lovesick tune so much better than the last one,” Juleka sighed from where she was fussing with her hair in her mirror. 

“Color me shocked,” Luka chuckled, slipping Claire off and setting her carefully in her stand. “You and Casey never did get along.” 

“Yeah, well,” Juleka muttered, not looking at him. “This is why.” 

Luka raised his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t follow.”

Juleka sighed and fidgeted, nervously rearranging the things on her table. “Because I know you didn’t feel like this with her. And this is what you deserve to feel. I felt like you were settling for less than you deserved and I didn’t want that for you.”

Luka paused, considering that. She was right, he knew. He’d been happy enough with Casey, but even the best parts of his relationship with Casey paled in comparison with the things he felt for Marinette. 

He wasn’t going to admit it to Juleka’s face though. “Since when did you become the love expert?” Luka asked instead, one corner of his mouth quirking up. 

Juleka tossed her hair over her shoulder and put her nose in the air. “We all have our talents.” She shrugged. “Or maybe I’m just lying and I thought from the beginning that she was a high-maintenance, over-dramatic bitch who thought having a hot potential rock star boyfriend doting on her made her look good to her friends.” 

Luka barked a laugh and turned away to cover the sting he still felt at her words, pulling off his shirt and dropping it on his bed as he dug through his drawers for a clean one. The one he wasn’t wearing wasn’t bad, but he’d been working on deck in the sun. If he hurried, he still had enough time to shower before he went to see Marinette. He grinned stupidly at the thought.

“Are you going to play it for her?” Juleka asked, leaning her chin on one hand and giving him a knowing look. 

“I will,” he said, still smiling. “When it’s right. It’s just...not there yet. I don’t know, something’s just not quite right, it just...needs something. I’ll figure it out though.” 

“You’re going to see her now, aren’t you?” Juleka snickered, and Luka rolled his eyes. 

“She asked me to come by,” he shrugged, hoping he wasn’t blushing too much.  

“I’ll bet she did,” Juleka leered. “I bet she loves it when you come.” 

Luka rolled his eyes, snatching up the shirt he’d just changed out of and throwing it at her. “What are you, twelve?”

“Ew,” she complained, pulling off his shirt with two fingers and dropping it on the floor with an expression of disgust. 

“I’m going to shower,” he huffed on his way out the door, and shut the door quickly before Juleka could make any comment on his shower temperature or activities. He was starting to think the benefits of his own place would start to outweigh the money he was saving living at home. 

Half an hour later Luka stepped off the boat and headed toward the bakery with a grin on his face that he couldn’t have suppressed if he tried. 

Luka Couffaine had never been a big believer in fate. He didn’t believe in predetermined destinies or that he was bound to adhere to some kind of cosmic will.

He did believe he was one damn lucky bastard.

Even in the depths of frustration and betrayal and heartbreak, he’d known that. Maybe things weren’t going his way, but he was lucky in so many ways. Luka was lucky to have a family that loved and supported him. He was lucky to have grown out of his lanky teenage ugly duckling stage into a young man that many people found attractive. He was lucky to have a talent and the means and passion to pursue it. He was lucky to have connections and friends all over the local music scene who helped him out when he needed it.

He was lucky to have met Marinette.

Luka had spent a long time wondering after his plans to tour with the band went to hell in a handbasket. About whether his friends had ever really been friends. About how much of his relationship with Casey had been a lie. Had they all been users from the start, and he just hadn’t seen it? Or had their friendship been sincere, had they been content with the plan, until Xavier had come in and dazzled them with promises of something greater? Had Casey been satisfied in their relationship until Xavier was whispering in her ear about what she deserved, how she ought to be treated, and who knew what else Luka hadn’t been around to hear?

It took a lot of thinking, a lot of sad and angry songs played on borrowed guitars that never sounded quite right, a lot of long talks with his mother, and even a few with his sister, to get him out of the spiral of self-recrimination and get his focus back on the future, on what he had to do next. 

Luka hadn’t been thinking about fate or destiny or karma or even luck when he looked into Ladybug’s stunning blue eyes for the first time and shook her small hand. Oh, he’d been impressed with her from the beginning. Her entire vibe was intense and alive and she was sassy and competitive without being cruel, and she was really, really cute. But romance couldn’t have been farther from his mind at that moment. 

Then she kept being thrown in his way, spirited and determined and clearly attracted to him. Marinette had a terrible poker face, and some part of him was delighted by her blushes and glances, but he squashed down the remnant of that ugly duckling teenage boy and kept his cool. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he wasn’t interested in a fling, and he wasn’t about to lead her on just to flatter his vanity. She dealt with enough bullshit already, so he tried to show her he liked and respected her without letting it go any further. 

Luka kept his cool right up until she was standing there, tough as nails, cute as a button, trying and utterly failing to cover up what a blow it was to have to forfeit an entire event’s worth of matches, knowing it would more than likely knock them out of the running for the finals. Marinette’s frustration was obvious, as was her care for her friend and her determination not to blame him. 

In hindsight Luka wasn’t sure if Marinette was lucky, or he was, that he was there in that moment, ready to swoop in and save the day with his impulsive decision to stand in for Max. He’d had no idea what he was getting into. Playing with her was a blast, but he already knew she was smart and capable and powerful. He could handle Ladybug. 

He was completely unprepared for Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the beating heart and passionate spirit behind that tough gamer girl front she put on. 

Luka knew he was in trouble when he left the bakery with weak knees and a frantically beating heart. 

He knew he was in deep trouble when she was sewing his hoodie on the Liberty and he began thoughtlessly composing a song to fit her. 

He knew he was doomed when she stood on the gangplank practically glowing with the sun behind her, looking at him with those big gorgeous eyes, her perfect lips curved into a sweet smile, and all the warmth of their easy companionship still fresh in his heart. 

Still, Luka had hesitated, willing to explore a tentative friendship with her but telling himself he wasn’t ready for anything more. He didn’t trust the attraction he felt towards her. Her crush on him might not even be that serious. He shouldn’t read too much into it. He would just go and compete and they would go back to being casual acquaintances and…

And then she’d taken that first step after him, reached out to him despite her obvious fear, almost expectation that he would reject her, and opened the door to so much more. 

And now he had a beautiful, impossibly sweet, deliciously passionate, insanely brilliant girlfriend with a creative mind like nothing he’d ever seen, and he was the most lovestruck, useless sap on the planet. Marinette was as dramatic as Casey had ever been, but even her drama was comfortable, accommodating, nothing she ever expected him to solve or eliminate. He just stood back and sympathized as she ranted and fumed and had her dramatic movement and then she moved on to actually solving the problem. She was incredibly driven, incredibly kind, and no matter how much time they spent together, he never wished it was less. Maybe Marinette wasn’t a musician but she was an artist, and she always seemed to know how to give him the space to pursue his own passions without ever being out of reach and every time he was with her he felt like the luckiest dumbass on the planet, whether they were doing something together or just existing near each other as they did their own thing. 

 Or making out. Oh Marinette was a fantastic kisser, sweet and attentive and exciting, tuned in to his every reaction. The height difference took some getting used to, but before long he found that he loved the way she fitted against him, the way he could curl around her, how small her hands were in his, how big his own looked on her hips or her back. She had learned impressively quickly how to tempt him into taking charge or reduce him to a pile of goo. And she made the best sounds when he returned the favor.

Focus, Luka , he told himself as he opened the door to the bakery. He’d already been on the receiving end of one gentle, if mildly embarrassing, reminder from her mother that Marinette was eighteen and could make her own choices, but that she was still younger than him and he should be cautious about pushing her into things she might not be ready for. Sabine had been so mild about it that Luka couldn’t really feel insulted, though Marinette would probably be mortified if she knew her mother had said any such thing to him. 

Still. Better not to have those kinds of thoughts in his mind just now. Luka always came into the house through the bakery so that they knew he was there, mostly as a courtesy (and partly so they would know to knock before barging into Marinette’s room). He greeted Sabine and waved at Tom in the back, then went on up the stairs.

Luka knocked on the apartment door but went ahead and let himself in, not expecting her to hear him if she was up in her room. 

Marinette wasn’t in her room, as it turned out, but in the kitchen, singing to herself as she flitted back and forth in the small space. She waved at him and he grinned, setting his bag down on the couch and coming over to her. “You came,” she smiled, stretching up on her toes as he leaned down to meet her for a quick kiss.

“You asked me to,” he pointed out, choking back a laugh at the memory of Juleka’s teasing. 

Marinette ignored him, and Luka waited until she had set down whatever mysterious baking implements she was holding before catching her wrist and pulling her close. Marinette hummed happily as he leaned down to kiss her more fully, resting her forearms on his shoulders but keeping her flour-covered hands away from him. 

Not that he would have cared. He was more than happy to let her cover him in flour paste if it meant she was holding him. This was good enough for now, though, as long as her plush lips were under his. She’d clearly been nibbling on whatever she was making and she tasted amazing. 

Marinette pulled back a little when he tried to press close to her. “Don’t, I’m dirty,” she whispered, and Luka couldn’t help laughing even as a twinge of heat shot through him. Marinette backed away from him and raised an eyebrow. 

“Sorry,” he grinned at her. “Juleka was picking on me before I left and it’s got my mind in the gutter.” 

Marinette’s eyes widened slightly and then she blushed and pouted as she thought back to what she’d said. “Juleka should keep her mouth shut,” she grumbled, turning away from him to wash her hands. 

“I couldn’t agree more,” Luka chuckled, putting his hands on her hips and stepping up so her back, which was mostly clean, was against his chest. “Why are you stress baking?” he asked, and leaned down to trail kisses along the side of her neck.

“What makes you think I’m stress b-baking?” she asked, tilting her head, breath hitching slightly as she reached blindly for a towel that was well out of her reach. 

“Mmm.” Luka reached out and snagged the towel off of the oven handle easily, putting it in her hand. Then he lifted his face and looked pointedly at the mess around them, and then back down at her. “When you’re baking from a project, you’re super organized and everything is set out carefully. You only make this kind of a mess—” He gestured down at the pile of baking dishes in the sink and then at the haphazard collection of ingredients crowded on the small counter. “—when you’re stress baking.” He returned to her neck, pressing a kiss to the hinge of her jaw. “So tell me why you’re stressed, and how I can help make it better.” 

Marinette huffed and shoved an elbow back into him. “It’s your fault to begin with,” she muttered, and Luka straightened immediately, frowning. 

“Me?” 

Marinette sighed. “Yeah, I—” She blew out a sigh and pulled away from him, turning around to face him. “I just, I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“That sounds ominous,” Luka said slowly, shifting back a little.

Marinette put her hands over her face and made a frustrated noise. “No, it’s not that bad, I’m—I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”

Luka coughed to cover the laugh that he couldn’t quite keep in, and it was a supreme act of will to say nothing.

Marinette dropped her hands and glared at him, clearly knowing what he was thinking, and reached back to untie her apron with quick, decisive movements (which shouldn’t have affected him the way it did, damnit Juleka). Once it was off, she grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the kitchen behind her. “Shouldn’t we clean up?” he asked, glancing back with concern. 

“We’ll do it later,” Marinette said. 

“But your baking—” 

“I just put the dough in the fridge to chill, it’s fine,” she said, pulling him up the stairs to her room. 

Luka couldn’t say he hated where this was going but he was pretty confused. He followed Marinette up into her room, where she let go of his hand and kept walking. Taking that as his cue to stay put, Luka shut the trapdoor gently behind them and nudged the lock into place with his foot. Just in case.

“Well. I, um...I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this,” Marinette was saying, bending over a large chest in the corner of her room to get at something behind it, and Luka had to look at the floor. “And I want you to know I had nothing to do with it—well, I mean not nothing, because I did tell Jagged something about what happened with, you know, before, with XY and how he stole your music, but I didn’t use any names and I kept everything really general, it’s just I was thinking about it while I was working on his fitting and I guess I was making a mad face and he wanted to know what I was thinking about and, well I know it’s not my story to tell so I—but Jagged is so—so—” she paused, making a grunt of effort as she hauled something up and over the chest. 

“Okay, I only followed about half of that,” Luka said as evenly as he could, glancing up from his determined study of the toes of his boots just as Marinette turned to him, both hands wrapped around the handle of a heavy black case that was...very familiar in shape.

Luka looked from the guitar case in her hands to her face, uncomprehending. Marinette shrugged, and bit her lip, shuffling across the floor towards him. “It’s for you. From Jagged. Take it,” she muttered, blushing. 

That stunned him speechless. Luka took the case from her on autopilot, crossing the room to lay it on the chaise and flip up the latches as Marinette began babbling again, insisting that she didn’t deserve the credit (or the blame) for this, and then he opened the case lid and felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.

Marinette shoved a chair under him just in time as his knees went weak and he sat down, bringing one hand to cover his mouth as he stared down at the sleek professional quality acoustic guitar in front of him. It was black, with Jagged Stone’s logo emblazoned off-center on the lower half in purple.

“It’s from the new line he’s sponsoring,” Marinette said uncomfortably, shifting her feet. “Not released yet,” she added quickly, before he could gather his wits enough to question her. “They sent it to him to demo and approve, and well...once he played it and decided it was good enough he gave it to me, to give to you. He said a pro should have both kinds. Which is weird, really, because I’ve never seen him play anything but an electric, but...” She cringed as Luka’s fingers hovered over the unmistakable signature scrawled up one side in some kind of glitter ink. “He insisted on signing it. I hope that’s okay.” She reached forward and plucked a note tucked into a pocket of the case and handed it to him.

Luka took it absently, still staring. He touched the guitar lightly, taking in the silky texture of the finish and the quality of the wood, the elegant shape, the gleaming hardware. It was beautiful. He loved Claire, he really did, but sometimes you needed a different sound for different songs— 

His brain screeched to a halt. A different sound. A different sound.

Marinette nudged him, startling him out of his thoughts. He unfolded the note. 

Hey kid, he read, I heard your story. Wanna be’s always hate the real deal, and you’re it. I wouldn’t blame you if you want to keep things to yourself for a while, but I’d love to hear what those songs were meant to sound like before that baby-faced nobody murdered them. If you’ve got more to share, Marinette’s got my number. 

Rock ‘n roll!

Jagged Stone

P.S. Fuck with my girl and I’ll stick this guitar where the sun don’t shine, and that’s just for starters. 

He looked up at Marinette, and she fidgeted. “You don’t have to take it,” she said weakly. 

There were about a thousand things he could have said at that moment, but what came out was, “Is this why you asked me not to bring Claire?”

Marinette shrugged, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “I didn’t know if she was the jealous type.”

Luka chuckled. Marinette always seemed fondly exasperated with his tendency to anthropomorphize his instruments, skeptical but indulgent, willing to play along without actually trying to compete with an inanimate object (one of Casey’s more annoying habits). 

“So...is it okay? You’re not...mad?” she asked, and Luka laughed weakly.

“I’m not mad,” he said, leaning back and reaching for her. She let him pull her over and sit her on his knee. “It’s amazing, Marinette, really.” He squeezed her, and trying hard not to sound like a total fanboy, asked, “Jagged really played it himself?”

“He did,” Marinette confirmed. “For over an hour. First time I’ve ever heard him play an acoustic, actually.”

“Yeah, I’m kinda sorry I missed that,” he said, leaning into her as she put her arms around him. “Jagged Stone.” He looked at the paper in his hand and shook his head slightly. “He wants to hear my music? Wow, Marinette, this is just...I’m speechless.”

“I told you, I didn’t do anything,” she mumbled, pressing her face into his neck. “I shouldn’t even have said anything to him without your permission, I just...I was distracted fitting the jacket, and I didn’t even realize I’d said it until he screamed ‘I knew that little shit didn’t have that kind of talent!’ and I nearly jumped out of my skin.” 

Luka laughed and kissed her hair, and he felt her lips curve against his skin. “Did he really say that?” 

“Mmhm,” she said, responding to his nudges against her temple by lifting her face so he could kiss her. He took his time about it, savoring her soft lips and the smooth, soft skin under his thumb as he stroked her cheek. Marinette’s hands slipped under his hoodie and he gladly shifted so she could push it down his arms and off, feeling more than a little warm as it was. His hand went to her waist instead of her face, slipping under her shirt to settle against her abs where he could feel the rippling muscle beneath the slight softness as she moved. He didn’t even know that was a thing for him until he met Marinette and now he couldn’t get enough of it. It was just more luck for him that she liked his rough hands against her skin. Her hands slid up and down his chest and over his shoulders and arms and he pressed into her touch with a little moan.

Luka loved that she understood that about him, how much he craved the connection of touch. Even before they were together, it had been a struggle to keep his hands to himself as they grew closer. The night of the party, up on the roof, he’d been so lost in a confusing whirl of emotion that he nearly felt sick, and her small, strong arms around him had grounded him, soothed him, without him even having to ask. She’d been amazing that night, beautiful and fun and temptation itself as they danced, and fire and fury as she defended him and Juleka both, and gentle and comforting when he needed her. 

Somewhere in that confusing ball of emotion it had suddenly dawned on him, with the clarity and sharpness of cut glass, that he would be an idiot to let her go, if she still wanted him. He was so lucky that she’d waited for him, that she’d had the patience to let him go and settle things with Casey, that she’d decided he was worth steeling her courage and facing up to the memory of whatever idiot had hurt her in the past. It was hard, waiting that last week, unsure and nervous but choosing to trust her, and choosing to trust his own instincts again—instincts that were telling him whatever you do, don’t let this one go. But she’d waited on him for far longer, so he could hardly refuse to wait for her. And it was...so worth it.

He was so, so lucky. 

“So, are you going to try it out?” Marinette asked, bringing him back to the moment. Her hands were still flexing against him and she was kiss-bruised and ruffled and breathless and God he had never been less interested in a new guitar, he was so stupid for her, he half-expected violins and rose petals and fucking rainbows and unicorns every time they were together. She blinked slowly, smile shifting into a smirk, and Luka swallowed hard. 

Focus.

“Only if you get off my lap,” he told her, voice a little rougher than he intended. He cleared his throat as Marinette giggled and slid off his knee. 

“What are you going to call this one?” Marinette asked, amusement plain in her face.

“I don’t know,” Luka said, lifting the guitar out of the case. He noticed with amusement the strap, and glanced knowingly up at Marinette. She blushed and shrugged, looking away.

“It had that skinny kind you don’t like,” she mumbled, “So I made a new one.” 

“I love it,” Luka grinned, unreasonably pleased by her fancy signature in gold embroidery on the inside of the strap. It took him a moment to get his stupid grin under control and slip the strap over his shoulder. 

He ran long fingers over the neck and body lightly. “I have to get to know them before I can name them,” he continued. Luka set his fingers and then strummed slowly down the strings, but he winced at the sound. He worked on the tuning, noting the silky feel of the wood under his hands, the way he hardly had to adjust his hands at all, like the guitar had been made for him. When the strings were in tune he strummed slowly down them again, and this time the sound was…

His pulse increased, and he glanced up at Marinette. “I’ve been working on something,” he said. “I wanted you to hear it, but it wasn’t quite right. I think I’d like to try it now, if that’s okay.”  

“Oh,” Marinette blinked, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “Of course.”

Luka moved the guitar case and slid onto the chaise, patting the spot next to him. Marinette sat down, fidgeting with her fingers and watching him with gratifying anticipation. It always gave him a thrill, to see how eager she was to hear him play.

Luka set his fingers on the fretboard again, took a settling breath, and played the song he’d been crafting and refining in his mind since the day she came to practice at the boat. 

Marinette gasped quietly, and laid her hand over her heart, closing her eyes. Luka let his own lids fall as he played, though the instrument wasn’t quite familiar enough yet for him to close them all the way. 

He knew as soon as he began that he wasn’t wrong, that this was what he’d been missing and trying to find all this time. The melody was just right, but the sound had been off. Ladybug might be the jangling twang and sassy attitude of the electric, flashy and exciting, but Marinette...Marinette was the mellow, sweet sound of the acoustic, authentic and sincere. Simple, but quality, resonating with craftsmanship and passion and warmth. He took a shaky breath as he listened to the last chord resonate and fade away, and then lifted his eyes to hers.  

She swallowed at the look he was giving her, and then whispered, “How was it?” 

“Perfect,” he breathed, gazing at her with all the wonder and love she inspired in him. “Absolutely perfect.” 

“Great,” she said breathlessly. “Now put it down.” 

Luka did, setting it carefully in its case, and before he’d even straightened up all the way Marinette was crawling onto him. She straddled his lap and took his face in her hands, as she kissed him hard, drawing an answering passion from him. Luka wrapped his arms around her, drawing her as close as he could get her, overwhelmed and overflowing with feelings he couldn’t contain or ignore. 

He wanted to be sure she understood, though. He’d been told before that some things had to be said out loud, and Luka didn’t want to mess this up. 

“Hey,” he mumbled, as soon as he had space to, but Marinette was kissing him again before he could get any more out. She made an inquisitive noise, moving her kisses to his jaw so he could speak, but Luka pulled back gently, just enough to be able to look her in the eye—in those beautiful, breathtaking eyes, and he had to swallow hard before he could speak. “I love you,” he breathed, and Marinette’s smile shone like the sun.

“I know, silly,” she said, rubbing her nose along his, and then she nodded at the guitar. “I heard you the first time.”

He felt the slow, stupid grin spreading across his face. 

It made Marinette blush from her collar to her hairline, and she kissed him again fiercely. “I can’t say it as beautifully as you did,” she whispered against his lips, “But I love you too.” Then she yelped as Luka moved suddenly, dumping her off his lap back onto the chaise. Marinette moved back against the arm, shifting to accommodate him automatically as he crawled over her; by now they had plenty of practice arranging themselves in the small space.

“Is this all right?” Luka asked, even as she was running her hands appreciatively over his arms braced on either side of her.

“It’s perfect,” she sighed, leaning up to meet him as he kissed her, intent on showing her just how lucky he felt to know her, to hold her, to love her.

It was totally worth the lecture they got from Tom for leaving a mess in the kitchen.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Give them what they want ch. 4

"Rajah can be base!" Fahran crowed as he grabbed the pet tiger's tale.

It was the final day of vacation before heading back to Auradon Prep, and Jordan was spending it to play tag with Aladdin and Jasmine's youngest children, 7 year old Asha and 5 year old Fahran. Not that there was much to do with the eldest, Zahrat Alquamar and her husband going cradle shopping while Aziz, Cassima, and Jay practicing R.O.A.R. moves.

But it was nice, after all the kids were adorable and all the work of keeping them out of trouble kept her mind off things for awhile.

She felt that everything was so hopeless whereas her love life was concerned, and she couldn't think of what to do. She searched any information she could on the Internet. But sites devoted to specific genie love problems were nonexistent. Which was only proving her idea that maybe she would never find love. She was never meant to.

So she tried to go on with her life and take breaks to reflect on her self worth by listening to her soundtrack of heartbreak an despair.

She had thought of asking her parents about it, but quickly discarded the idea. Genie and Eden, helpful advice. Never went well. Parenting was not their strong suit at all. They had gotten a bit restless with all the changing diapers and catering to needs and paying attention. There was a whole new world to explore, parties to start and having fun with their newfound freedom. So they turned over their parenting duties to Aladdin and Jasmine from 3 years old on. While she still visited them and spent vacations, the majority of the time, she called Jasmine and Aladdin her parents.

She had been bitter about it. But she understood that it was better she had been raised by Jasmine and Aladdin. They were dependable, they cared about her grades at school, and social life, and were the best people to call in a stressed situation. No where near as flighty, oblivious, or forgetful as her biological ones.

Okay, maybe she was still a little bitter about the abandonment.

She had asked advice from them before, specifically on how to deal with her love life and her friends using her. All she got was that in a few years, give it a couple of centuries or so, she'll find someone. Play along with it. If you really wanna forget your troubles, have some wine.

They never really felt the pain of being used. All they had were masters, they expected to give wishes, if they happened t find love, bonus. It never really bothered them because they had lived for years in a world where people didn't value them for their personalities.

Auradon was SUPPOSE to care for people for their individuality and inner beauty. If only, she could find someone that had that same idea when dating her.

"How about the fountain as base?" Jordan suggested as she gently pried Fahran's hand from his death grip on the tail. "The fountain doesn't feel pain if you jump on it too hard." As if agreeing with Jordan's statement, Rajah yanked his tail away, swatting Fahran on the cheek as he did so.

"Jordan just the person I wanted to see." Jasmine called as she and Aladdin walked out to the courtyard.

"Uh yes?" Jordan moved away to the garden path Jasmine was walking on while Aladdin went off to play with the kids.

Jasmine leaned closer to her, "Aziz told me about Pierce." When Jordan didn't answer, she continued talking with a low, calm voice, "He told me the same day you told him. I was hoping you would come to me on your own during this vacation, but since tomorrow you're leaving again, I wanted to bring it up."

Jordan felt her stomach sink. She had so much wanted to ignore the event that had happened.

"When Aziz told you about Pierce, did he tell you, how I told him that I would deal with it? That I was over it." Jordan said

"I know you don't like talking about it..." Jasmine said softly, "But I wasn't going to suggest that. I just wanted to know if you wanted me to do something with the administration. Maybe take a few days off. I know it hurts since you were telling me how.. How great he was when you were dating."

Jordan couldn't help but think of lyrics from her soundtrack of heartbreak and despair. "I loved him but only on my own."

"It's okay mom. I've been dating other people." Jordan tried to plaster a smile on her face but Jasmine's thoughtful, knowing look made her drop it.

"Which hasn't ended well. Jay told me about the limo turned python. He was impressed."

Dina had been furious with Jordan replacing the limo with a python, but hadn't reported her use of magic. Although it was against the ban for Jordan to use her magic, it had been against the Anti-Magic Ban for Dina to wish for it in the first place. So tough for her.

"Am I getting punished for that?" Jordan sighed

"No, I can imagine why you decided to do that if she had wished for that limo in the first place. Right now, I want to talk about Pierce." Jasmine answered.

"I can't do anything about that. People date me for their reasons to date me." Jordan replied.

"When it comes to me, their kisses come free but they never give all the heart."

"You can do something about Pierce." Jasmine said. "He should not be allowed at that school. Taking advantage of your magic like that. Allah, forbid that he wants seconds. You don't have to say anything, I will do the talking."

"No, Mom" Jordan grabbed her shoulder, stopping Jasmine mid-rant. "I would have done it myself. But seriously, I don't care what happened to me. It doesn't matter. It's only going to happen again."

"Not if I report him." Jasmine answered stonily, "I'm more than willing to press charges."

"Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn. But that wouldn't change the fact, that wouldn't speed the time. Once the foundation's cracked, and I'm still hurting."

"Not just him. From anyone. If one person can wish that, another person can. They already did." Jordan whispered, remembering the first time that event had happened. "Relationships, strangers. It's happened centuries before, and I'll have to deal with it in the future. After all, I'm a genie. People expect me to give them pleasure..."

Jasmine took a hard look at Jordan, maving her stare directly into her eyes. "I do NOT want to hear that explanation ever again. That is asinine and I will not have it. Just because you are a genie, that is no reason to allow them to abuse you or take advantage of you or rape you. You are a person as anyone else. The idea that you are "meant" to do it means nothing. You do not have a master,you are no one's genie, and you never will. "

"The world has no right to my heart, the world has no place in my bed"

Jordan wanted to cry into Jasmine's chest like she used to do when she was younger and had nightmares about those situations. "I still can't do anything though. I..you see. Pierce's third wish was that no one could get revenge on him for this. Not by physical means or through reputation. Even if you put a report, it wouldn't go through or maybe backfire. Belive me, I tried to throw a case at him and it only hit me."

Jasmine's face transformed from righteous fury to pained understanding. It only made Jordan feel worse to see it. Jasmine, her adoptive mother cared so much for her well-being. And here, she had gotten raped and she was helpless to get justice or find closure in some way.

"Mom.." Jordan ventured to tell what had been haunting her thoughts lately, "All people want from me are wishes."

"I don't. None of your family does." Jasmine inturrupted.

"But what about everyone else do. They dump me if I don't. And so far no one has dated me for any other reason, and it's been like this for years. I was wondering if anyone ever would. No one, no one cares for me otherwise.."

"They see me for what I am. Which is a horrible, stupid, dumb and ugly, fat, and stupid, simple, self-hating bitch."

"There are people who care more than about wishes." Jasmine insisted. Jordan thought of Calix, but he didn't see her in that way. Her family didn't see her that way for obvious reasons. Her parents would never but...they had left her. Her stomachs felt hollow as she had a sudden gripping fear that her relationship with the rest of her adoptive family might change. Her parents obviously thought she was a handful and gave her to someone else.

"When you once unafraid wore your heart on your sleeve, and the ones that you loved, chose to just turn and leave."

Jordan straightened her back and took a deep breath, "You're right, Mom." She said quickly, "Thank you for the talk. I better pack up before going." She gave a brief hug and speed walked to the palace. The next day, she avoided any further conversation than the goodbyes and was soon off to Auradon.

Her thoughts swirled around desperately, as she imagined what she would be left without her adoptive family. The inevitable day that they died and she was still living or worse, they see her as everyone else does and reject her.

She wanted assurance but didn't want to broach the subject with anyone. What if she brought it up, and with some thinking they do realize her bad points if they hadn't already.

"Only when you're left alone does it get sad."

At first it seemed irrational but the more she thought, the more it made sense. Clearly something was wrong with her. Why else would everyone leave her? She had to be good. She had to be perfect and nice and do everything they wanted. Say anything they wanted to hear. Be anything they wanted. Anything to keep them from leaving her. She had to give them everything they could want from her.

"Cause everybody, they love a winner. So nobody love me. Lady peaceful, Lady happy. That's what I long to be. All the odds are, they're in my favor, Something's bound to begin. It's gonna happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time, maybe this time I'll win!"

Author's Note: And it slowly comes back to the title.

So yet another chapter in this story has been completed. Whew. Things are still going down from here. Don't know when I'll update but the movie is coming! Woo!

Anyway some miscellaneous notes.

Zahrat Alquamar means Moonflower in Arabic. I thought it would be nice, since Yasmin would be so unoriginal.

Cassim was the name of Aladdin's dad so that is where Cassima comes from.

Eden was Genie's girlfriend in the Aladdin series. Until proof is shown, I firmly believe that Eden is his wife and Jordan's mom.

So soundtrack of heartbreak and despair songs,

"I loved him, but only on my own" ~On my own (Les Miserables)

"When it comes to me, their kisses come free but they never give all the heart" ~Never give all the heart (Smash)

"Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn, but that wouldn't change the fact. That wouldn't speed the time. Once the foundation's cracked and I'm still hurting." ~Still hurting (The Last Five Years)

"The world has no right to my heart, the world has no place in my bed" ~Burn (Hamilton)

"They see me for what I am. Which is a horrible, stupid, dumb and ugly, fat and stupid, simple, self hating bitch." ~You, Stupid Bitch (Crazy Ex Girlfriend)

"When you once unafraid wore your heart on your sleeve, and the ones that you love chose to just turn and leave." ~Safer (First Date)

"Only when you're left alone does it get sad." ~Dying ain't so bad (Bonnie and Clyde)

"Cause everybody, they love a winner. So nobody love me. Lady peaceful, Lady happy. That's what I long to be. All the odds are, they're in my favor, Something's bound to begin. It's gonna happen, happen sometime. Maybe this time, maybe this time I'll win!" ~Maybe this time (Cabernet)

All grammatical and spelling mistakes are mine. Sometimes Autocorrect, depending how ridiculous it is.

[cometsweepandleonidsfly]

"Game of Thrones" had a woman problem. And it always will. 

This isn't anything new. Against a backdrop of gratuitous female nudity and frequent rape scenes, "Thrones" has always struggled to fully define the women who play its game. It's had trouble with the men, too (character consistency is one of the writers' biggest weaknesses), after the final episode of the TV juggernaut, its mistreatment of the women who once made the series great will be remembered as its original sin. 

The last two episode of "Thrones" were a particular insult to some of its most beloved female characters. The remaining women (and those recently departed) have been ill-served by a mad dash to the finish line with little regard how to get there. Now that the smoke has cleared on the series, one of the many mixed morals of "Thrones" is that women are just too darn crazy. Groundbreaking, I know.

In this final season, "Thrones" has wasted Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey), once its most engaging villain, giving her little screen time and an anticlimactic death. It also featured Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) expressing gratitude for enduring rape and torture; the death of Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel), its only woman of color; turned Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) into a sappy rom-com character more concerned with her lover's destiny than her own; and Daenerys Targaryen's (Emilia Clarke) hurried transformation into a "mad queen," as the woman who once freed thousands of slaves became a murderer of countless innocents because her best friend died, her boyfriend/nephew rejected her and she's angry no one loves her. And when it came time for Dany to meet her fate, it was as anticlimactic as Cersei's death, and shedied while begging Jon (Kit Harington) to take her back.

Dany's heel turn into megalomaniacal villain is one of the most controversial decisions in the whole series, perhaps even with the decision for Bran to rule Westeros at the series' end. Many fans felt that Dany's choice to murder thousands came out of nowhere, and while the writers planted seeds of her so-called madness over the years, foreshadowing isn't the same as character development. Sure, writers made her seem cruel over the years, but there has to be a reason why. Coupled with a scene in Episode 4 in which Varys (Conleth Hill) extolled Jon Snow (Kit Harington) as a leader just because he's a Targaryen and a man, and claimed that Dany is too unstable and too strong of a woman to rule, the writers seem like trolls who rant online about "crazy" ex-girlfriends.

Had the series taken time to make Dany's descent to villainy a slow slide instead of an air drop from 50,000 feet, it would feel more earned and far less stereotypical. Women don't have to be virtuous heroes to be great characters. They just have to make sense.

Cersei, Sansa and Brienne didn't make much sense this year, either. The smart, diabolical Queen Cersei turned into a spluttering mess in her final episode, which was a huge disservice to one of the series' best characters.

The Cersei who destroyed the Sept of Baelor would have had an exit strategy from The Red Keep during Dany's siege. The Cersei who almost committed suicide to save herself and her son from failure at the Blackwater never would have cried about dying in her brother/lover's arms. The Cersei who killed Robert Baratheon with a well-placed flask of wine would never have been dense enough to think her Lannister soldiers were so loyal and strong they'd defeat a dragon.

The Cersei we knew would have done more than stand still and stare off into the distance in her last hurrah. But the writers weren't interested in Cersei making sense. In Season 8, Cersei was a glorified roadblock to Dany's war crime. And so, in service of a hasty and ill-conceived plot, Cersei was dispatched as indiscriminately as she once eliminated her enemies.

In the middle of a race to the happy ever after finish line, the show somehow found time to get in one last turn of the screw when it came to the series' depiction of sexual violence. Sansa has been the woman abused most often over the years. The series drew its harshest criticism for the Season 5 storyline in which she married Ramsay Bolton and suffered repeated rape and torture at his hands.

To add insult to a very raw injury, in Episode 4 this season, Sansa expressed gratitude for her abuse, claiming it strengthened her. It's an offensive, inaccurate portrayal of trauma that undervalues Sansa as a character. But the writers had to justify that rape scene somehow, right? Sure, she got her own throne in the North in the end, but only after the lords of Westeros picked her robot brother to rule the other six kingdoms because he was the least objectionable man around.

The disservice done to Brienne is perhaps the most heartbreaking, considering her arc over the course of the series has been so strong, and Christie's performance so consistently brilliant. But the independent warrior spent most of the final season pining over a man, in a wild turn. Yes, it was nice to see Brienne's vulnerable side when she slept with Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), but the writers took it too far. She gets her dream job in the finale just like everyone else, now lord commander of the Kingsguard, but instead of writing her own history into the order's historical record, we see her update Jaime's. Brienne deserved better.

"Thrones" is just one big missed opportunity when it comes to women. George R.R. Martin's novels feature several complex and fascinating female characters, but many of the supporting women in the TV series have been completely wasted. The Sand Snakes were boring sex objects with whips instead of personalities. Yara (Gemma Whelan) popped up only when we need to be reminded that the Greyjoys exist. Fan-favorite Arianne Martell from the novels was cut out of the series entirely.

For 73 episodes and eight seasons, "Thrones" has credited just two women, Jane Espenson and Vanessa Taylor, as writers, with four episodes between them dating back to the show's first three seasons. Only one woman, Michelle MacLaren, has directed episodes (four of them), but not since 2014. It's painfully clear that "Thrones" was a series created by (and in large part written for) men.

Sunday's final episode was a mess for many reasons, but in particular it will be infamous for cementing the series' reputation for failing its women. We probably should have known "Thrones" would disappoint back in the very first episode, in which Drogo (Jason Momoa) raped his new wife Dany, which never happened in the books.

But as a TV series, the women are props for spectacle and shock just as much as the dragons and white walkers.

[firelxdykatara]

🔥 tvd. unleash the salt.

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF MEEKS

-cough-

no but ok, my biggest unpopular opinion re: tvd? (judging mostly from what i’ve seen come out of what’s left of the ‘fandom’ since s6 when 99% of it jumped fuckin’ ship, but anyway)

the show turning to shit had absolutely nothing to do with delena becoming canon

like, i’ll be reading someone’s anti tvd post, and i’ll see something like ‘it started going downhill in s4′ and nod along, but then ‘when dullena became canon’ and it’s like -record scratch-

no. hold up. -squirts with a waterbottle-

anyone who didn’t realize that damon and elena were being set up to become canon down the line as early as season one were either in denial or just weren’t paying attention. i could write for days about all the signs and all the ways their relationship developed and how they each developed as characters, but i don’t have the energy to focus on the good about tvd anymore so i don’t feel like it. (i always have energy for salt, though. must be my high-sodium diet.)

there are a couple things we know for a fact about early tvd. one is that kevin williamson was largely in charge of the show as head showrunner for the first three seasons. another is that williamson left the show after season three–his name was still on it, but he moved onto another project, and julie plec was left in charge. given those two facts, and my belief that the show’s decline in s4 was far more gradual and less visible than it was in s5, when the show jumped the shark and over a fucking cliff, we (or at least i do, you don’t have to agree but it’s the story that makes the most sense to me so i’m sticking to it) can infer that kevin williamson left at least something of an outline behind for the season following his departure, and the rest was left up to julie as she meandered her way through three more seasons–two of which the show should never have had–with only the vaguest idea of an endpoint in mind.

(as early as season 2, julie said that she and kevin already knew how they wanted the show to end–or at least, they knew what they wanted the last words to be. given that the series finale ended the same way the pilot episode did, with damon showing up on stefan’s porch wearing his trademark smirk and saying ‘hello brother’, i can buy that they had this particular scene in mind when initially planning the overall series arc. i also think that julie plec went mad with the power she suddenly had over the story once williamson left, and any other tentative plans that may have been made were either forgotten or discarded in favor of magic vampire uteruses and pointless romantic arcs and killing characters off right before the end of the show for no real reason. but anyway, i digress.)

I THINK I’VE GOTTEN A LITTLE OFF TOPIC. anyway. if delena wasn’t the beginning of the end (we’ve established that delena–if not as an endgame, but certainly as a relationship that would need to be explored–was in the cards from the very beginning, and had achieved most of its crucial relationship beats by the s3 finale [all that remained was elena gaining closure for her decaying relationship with stefan before she could fully move on]), what was?

two things, primarily: the sire bond, and the cure.

now, neither of these things seemed particularly egregious at first. in fact, up until the end of the season, i was convinced the sire bond would be revealed to have never actually existed, because the ‘signs’ were so badly contrived that they had to be red herrings designed to make the characters doubt themselves and their feelings. in hindsight, i realize the piss poor writing surrounding the bond was emblematic of issues that would plague, and eventually destroy, the rest of the series. and until it came back in season six and undid literal years worth of character development for the central character of the fucking series, i actually thought the cure plotline in s4 was a stroke of brilliance–shoddily handled in a few places, but still solid enough in execution to make up for it.

because elena, having become a vampire, needed to have the option to become human again presented to her–and then she needed to reject it. Which she did, twice, at the end of the season–first when she offered it to Stefan without a second thought, and second when she shoved it down Katherine’s throat, again without a moment of hesitation. (Technically three times, if you count the fact that she was ready to force it on Damon, but that, at least, was motivated by her desire to save his life, since he was dying from werewolf venom at the time.)

elena’s arc throughout season 4 (and that’s another of my unpopular opinions–elena didn’t change into an unrecognizable monster when she became a vampire, becoming a vampire allowed her to let go of the gloomy graveyard girl and finally learn to love LIVING again, and the fandom was so used to her as the suicidal martyr ready to sacrifice anything and everything without a second’s hesitation that they turned on her, en masse, when she realized it was actually ok to want things for herself but…. that’s a different rant altogether, ahem ANYWAY) was about learning how to be herself again.

not herself as she was immediately pre-vamping–herself as she was before her parents died. it’s no coincidence, i think, that the s3 finale (when she was being turned) and then s4 were some of the only real glimpses we got of elena’s parents, and her life with them before they died. she literally hallucinated her mother, in one of the most heartbreaking scenes of the entire show, trying to convince her to kill herself because of what she’d become–but this, notably, was a curse enacted on her by a vampire hunter. (here’s another unpopular opinion–elena killing connor had nothing to do with the sire bond. she would have killed him anyway, because he was threatening her brother’s life. am i the only one who remembers that elena, as a human, went to denver with the sole purpose of figuring out which original sired mary, so she’d know which ones it was safe to kill to protect her family? she was a human and willing to kill 75% of all remaining vampires on the planet. girl could be fucking ruthless when it came to protecting the people she loved, especially after losing so many.)

“mommy, i never meant to disappoint you.”

and then the sun came up. and just as the light hit her and began to burn, because she’d thrown her ring into the river, she looked to damon and whispered his name, panic in her eyes–because she suddenly realized she didn’t want to die. she wanted to LIVE. she DESERVED to live. and damon did what he always did best–he saved elena gilbert’s life. and that’s when she realized she couldn’t keep ignoring the things she felt for him, the way her feelings for stefan had never really recovered, the fact that she wanted to learn to enjoy the life she had instead of subscribing to stefan’s tortured broody vampire bullshit.

(ok, in fairness to stefan [loathe as i am to be fair to mister Hero Hair], i don’t think he actually realized what he was doing to elena. i don’t think he quite understood just how badly he was feeding into her self-loathing and how much he was making her think she would become a monster just like him–just like ripper!stefan if she didn’t take to the bunny diet and make like a good little vampire who never stepped a toe out of line. but i do think that as those first few episodes wore on, elena realized, more and more, that she would not survive being a vampire if she had to do things stefan’s way. and it became clear that the elena stefan was in love with was the idealized, human version of elena who’d died going over that bridge–the elena who could remind stefan of his own humanity and be his anchor to non-ripperness. she couldn’t be his sober companion/humanity anchor if she wasn’t subscribing to his bunny blood ideals.)

the bottom line being, season 4 was about elena not only becoming a vampire, but learning to enjoy her life AS a vampire. no, it wasn’t something she’d chosen for herself, and maybe it wasn’t something she ever would have chosen for herself–considering that even as far back as the end of s2, when the possibility of turning was first presented to her as a real possibility, she was talking about a future where she grew old and maybe even had kids and started a family, things she wouldn’t be able to do with stefan, meaning that even then, in the back of her mind, their relationship came with a potential expiry date (and then we got ‘i can’t think about always, i can only think about right now‘ in the s3 finale, further cementing that)–but while she’d gotten exposed to so much of the darkness inherent in being a vampire throughout the first three seasons and then her own vampiric awakening, she also got to see the good.

her no-humanity arc was kind of essential for this, btw. (is this an unpopular opinion? probably. i’m gonna pretend it is so it doesn’t seem like i’ve gone too far afield here.) which is another reason i hated that stupid fucking sire bond, after i gave up the idea it’d be revealed to be fake, and choose to ignore it in my own interpretation of canon–because there was no need for it. elena just lost her brother, the one remaining member of her immediate family, the one she’d gone to extraordinary lengths the entire season to protect. she was in unimaginable fucking pain. she was in agony, because not only was her brother dead, but she was still a very new vampire and her emotions were spiraling out of fucking control.

she would have absolutely destroyed herself in her grief, if she hadn’t been presented with an outlet. something she absolutely would have chosen for herself, in that moment–damon talking to her softly, reminding her that there was a way she could just be without needing to feel everything, and elena latching onto that one tiny bit of hope, that maybe for now she didn’t have to be in so much pain she thought she might actually fucking die on the spot from it. elena making that choice for herself–actually, you know, having some fucking agency as the central character of the series–would have been a much better choice, both from a narrative and character perspective. BUT ANYWAY.

it was during her stint with the switch turned off that elena first got a real taste of how fun and how freeing being a vampire could be. if the Idiot Brothers hadn’t banded together to try and force elena to be human again against her will, i really don’t doubt that the worst she would’ve done was snatch-eat-erase a whole bunch of people and live it up in the seedier unberbellies of various big party cities for a while. but whatever, the damage was done and eventually elena had her switch turned on by watching matt die, and feeling the relief at seeing him wearing the gilbert ring, and etc.

she largely had vengeance in mind once she was back to her more or less ‘normal’ self, but a crucial part of her development over that particular arc was the fact that she no longer hated herself for existing.

that was huge. it wasn’t given the focus or prominence it should have had, and i’ll again blame that on the weaker writing that was filling the gaps left by kevin williamson’s departure, but elena was no longer the suicidal martyr she’d been since the beginning of the show. she enjoyed living. she reveled in the strength she had, in the fact that she was no longer the Token Human, the doppelganger whose blood attracted all kinds of atrocities. she could protect herself now. she got closure with her brother, when the ghosts came back for a while, and with alaric, and she basically gave herself permission to want to have forever with the man she loved.

(and the fandom villified her, for it. because of fucking course they did. because she was a teenage girl who’d spent most of the previous four seasons dying or preparing to die or literally ready to slit her own throat without a second’s hesitation when it came to protecting people she cared about, but now that she’d decided it was ok to want to be selfish for a while and be with who she wanted without feeling guilty, suddenly it was open fucking season. but ANYWAY.)

where was i?

oh. yeah. season 5.

like i said, season 4 was a little shaky, but more or less solid–it wasn’t until after season 6 that i realized the signs of the show’s downfall had started in s4, with the cure and the sire bond heralding much worse things to come. it was s5 where the show really went off the rails.

here’s another unpopular opinion–it was absolutely character regression to have damon acting out the way he did that season. yes, in seasons past, damon acting out was a big part of his progression–two steps forward, one step back, but still slowly but steadily moving forward. but by the time we get to s5, damon had literally everything he wanted. he was BLISSFULLY happy, with the woman of his dreams, living in utter domestic bliss for an entire summer before she went off to university. and this trashfire of a show actually tried to convince me that he would’ve left their bedroom for more than five minutes, let alone long enough to drive across the state and murder some innocent human woman over a sixty-year-old grudge he’d never so much as thought about the entire time he was in mystic falls????? really?????

as if that weren’t enough, this man who witnessed, first hand, elena’s love for her brother, and who had grown to love him too–who was desperate to save his life on more than one occasion, including VERY RECENTLY in the show–would let enzo waltz in and nearly murder him??? i’m????? god

and then katherine stole elena’s body, and i was fucking done.

 literally ragequit the show once elena got her body back, because i was that fucking pissed. they literally had to do so much character regression and assassination to even make it work???? they had to put bonnie on a bus to ‘away from the main plot’ville just so that she couldn’t tell anyone that katherine hadn’t actually crossed over–even though she was right fucking there in the living room with them when she saw katherine’s ghost, and she would have known immediately that something was wrong because katherine disappeared rather than crossing over. and then they had to make damon devolve so he wouldn’t be in a position to realize elena wasn’t herself. and then everyone else carried the fucking idiot ball, except matt who was promptly compelled, and TYLER who nearly died about it, ALL so that no one would notice what had happened until damon was right there with katherine!elena trying to get him to kill her so she could kill him so he wouldn’t reveal what she’d done, and i JUST.

anyway. the awful thing is, the last few episodes of season 5 were really fucking good. it felt like the show had gone back to circa s3 levels of writing. and then s6 was ok for two episodes and then…. fucking nosedived off a cliff and into the abyss.

elena losing all her good memories of damon just so she could fall in love with him all over again was one of the worst writing decisions ever made. just, in history. completely. we didn’t need to see them fall in love in a rushed and half-assed manner when we’d already gotten a beautiful four-season arc of their love story. at the VERY LEAST, they could have had her just lose all her memories, similar to stefan’s s5 memory wipe, so that it wouldn’t seem weird that she thought he was a monster and loved him anyway because something something toxic bullshit. (oh, yeah, i’m still bitter af that they had to beat us over the head with DELENA IS TOXIC YOU GAIZ as if they didn’t have one of the healthier relationships in the show until it was decided that there wasn’t enough drama so they had to make damon regress and elena excuse it in a series of increasingly ooc writing decisions)

UH. ANYWAY YEAH.

as a sidenote, tyler and elena’s friendship had a lot of potential to be something kind of fucking amazing, and it’s one of the most underrated friendships in the fandom, which is a fucking shame because i would have loved to see them get closer and have a real bond as supernatural orphans who’d had almost everything and everyone they cared about torn away at one point or another.

god. ugh. TL;DR: delena was planned from the beginning and was in no way responsible for the show going to shit, it just had the unfortunate timing of becoming canon right before the show became terrible; elena gilbert was an amazing protagonist and character in general, who should not have been hated for daring to be a teenage girl who wasn’t always fully aware or in control of her own feelings, and who dealt with so much grief and trauma in such a short time that it’s nothing short of a miracle that she eventually found her way back to the girl she’d been before, happy and sure of herself, and people just couldn’t recognize elena when she was happy so they decided she randomly changed when she became a vampire and it was All Damon’s and Delena’s Fault; stefan was a terrible boyfriend for most of their relationship; damon was wildly out of character for most of season 5; and the memory loss arc in s6 was pathetic and actively harmful to the show as a whole and especially damon and elena’s relationship and perception in fandom; oh, and tyler and elena had an amazing and horribly underrated friendship that should have gotten a lot more focus than it did. (i’m still mad tyler was put on a bus so much rather than allowed to be like, present in the lives of his only remaining friends lmfao.)

[prettytoxicrevolver]

Why Won’t You Love Me | Ashton Irwin

Requested? Yup! 

Warnings? None 

Word Count: 1,584

Flashbacks are in italics 

Part 2 is here 

“Do you have to go?” You ask sadly. Ashton holds your hands in his and sighs tiredly. He wanted to stay. Wanted to sit and talk about the past 24 hrs and what it all meant but of course he had to leave.

“You know I’d stay if I could.” He responds finally. You nod and Ashton leans forward and places a light kiss on your cheek.

You watch as he slowly let’s go of your hands and turns away from you. It broke your heart to not be able to spend more time with him. To have him leave after last night.

Ashton didn’t process everything until he got onto the plane. He instinctively lays his head in the small airplane windows and stares into the distance. The scene of last night replaying in his head.

“Where are we going?” You asked not recognizing this part of the city. Ashton doesn’t answer, just continues to walk while heading to the unknown destination.

You end up walking for a few more minutes before coming to a gorgeous hill overlooking the beach. The two of you had decided to have a beach day together, suntanning and swimming together.

After eating dinner, you hiked up the small hill in which Ashton wouldn’t tell you where you were going. But now you understood why he wanted to come up here.

You stop at the top of the hill, standing and admiring the beauty before you. You see out of the corner or your eye, Ashton staring at you causing you to smile and lean over to peck his lips.

“I love you.” He whispers and your heart goes soaring. You loved hearing those words out of his mouth.

“I love you too.” He takes your hand and pulls lightly so you’re facing him.

“You’re the light of my life. The one I want to come home to after touring. My first thought in the morning and my last before I go to bed. You are my life.” He says and bends down on one knee. He pulls out  small black box before flipping it open. You’re frozen in your place as he says those four words.

“Will you marry me?” Your heart sank instantly and your response caused the same reaction out of Ashton.

“Ash,” You whisper and feel light tears drip from your eyes. “I can’t.”

Three words. It was crazy how three words could make Ashton either extremely happy, or in the worst mood he has ever been in. Those three words haunted him from the moment you uttered them. He didn’t know if he would ever get over the feeling that came with those words.

He watches as the plane takes off into the clouds and the ground disappears underneath him. He feels tears threaten to spill over as he relives one of the worst moments of his life. He flicks his phone on one last time to see your smiling face before putting it away and slowly slipping into a deep sleep.

It had been a few days since Ashton flew back to Australia for the second part of the Meet You There tour. His heart still aches like the days before but now he had a new round of questions to clog his brain.

Did she ever really love him? Had she ever even though of a future with him? Was she going to break up with him soon? Somehow every question was worse than the last.

He tried to throw his all into every performance, knowing it’s what the fans deserved. More than anything he always wanted to make them happy no matter what the cost. He had just got done performing at the Perth show when he heard his phone ringing. He picked it up to hear your quiet voice on the other end.

“Hey. What’s up?” He greets. He doesn’t hear anything at first, almost expecting you might have butt dialed him until he hears a quiet sigh.

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“What time is it there?” He asks knowing it’s probably either super late or super early in the morning for you.

“It’s almost 4.” There’s a heartbreaking long silence after that answer. Even after you had rejected Ashtons proposal, the two of you decided to still date each other. You never wanted the relationship to end and the proposal wasn’t going to change anything.

“How did the show go?” You ask hoping to get something, anything, out of the older boy. Your heart broke knowing you hurt Ashton but you knew deep down you couldn’t get married right now. You just can’t.

“It was good. Can I call you later? We have to do the encore.” Before you can respond, Ashton hangs up.

Your phone call after the show didn’t help Ashtons shattered heart any further. He felt like he was being dramatic but you were the love of his life. He wanted nothing else except to spend the rest of his days with you, and you refused. It might as well have been a break up.

He decides to head to the closest bar to the venue and sit there for the night. Maybe he could get some clarity and figure out what to do about your relationship. Maybe he got super drunk to forget about the pain. Either one sounded better than sitting  in his room moping around.

Just as Ashton downs his fourth beer of the night, he checks the time to see it’s almost two am. He dials your number, disregarding what time it is for you and waits for you to answer. The only thing he hears is your familiar voicemail message and hangs up. He calls twice more with no answer once again.

Ashton makes it home that night with no further healing and no answer back from you. In fact he doesn’t hear from you for a couple of days until he’s flying back to the United States for tour once again. When he sees your name on his phone, he’s not sure if he wants to answer but eventually caves in.

“Hello?”

“Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t answer the other day.” You say instantly. Ashton wanted to roll his eyes. He knew you always kept your phone ringer on no matter what and to miss a call three times was completely unlike you.

“It’s no big deal.” He decides not wanting to fight. “Are you back in michigan?”

“Yeah. I’ll be here for the show.” You answer without him having to ask. He was used to your laughter and talkative self over the phone, not this quiet version of you.

“What’s wrong?”

“Abby got engaged the other day.” You respond and Ashton is taken aback. Abby was your longtime best friend and for you to be upset about her engagement was beyond confusing.

Not only did he know you would support Abby to the ends of this earth, he knew you supported her relationship too. Why were you upset about her and her boyfriend getting engaged? Clearly, you didn’t want to be engaged or get married anytime soon, so why was this bothering you? Ashton waits for you to say something else but when you don’t, he speaks again.

“And?”

“And I feel like I’m falling behind. Everyone is doing these great things in their life and I feel like I haven’t done anything at all.” You sigh and now Ashton was mad.

He had proposed to you almost two weeks ago and you shot him down without a reason. How can she be mad about something like this? Saying she needs a change or something big to happen. With or without the proposal the whole conversation would have pissed Ashton off either way.

“I’ll see you at the show.” Ashton ends the call with. He couldn’t bear to listen to you talk like that anymore. The whole thing was unfair.

The show went fairly quick the next day and while Ashton was looking forward to seeing you, he was also nervous. It would be the first time since the proposal and he really couldn’t tell if things would change in real life.

“Hello my love.” Ashton greets you when you meet up at the green room. You had missed him more than anything and you couldn’t help but feel like your relationship has changed causing your anxiety to rise.

“Hi babe.” You walk up and place a light kiss on his lips.

“Still sad?” He asks. You can tell there’s a bit of an edge to that question. It makes you step back from his embrace and give him a concerned look.

“What’s up?”

That one question sent Ashton through the roof. Did you really have no clue?

“You really have the nerve to complain about Abby?” He bursts out and you step back.

“What?”

“You complain about Abby getting engaged, and then say you need a change, something big to happen, and then shut down my proposal days before?” Ashton wanted to continue. Wanted to rant and scream but he knew he couldn’t go off without at least trying to hear your side.

“Ash I just can’t get married right now.” You whisper.

“Why? I want to get engaged! I love you so much why won’t you love me?” He asks exhausted. Ashton was tired. Tired of never receiving the love he deserved. The love he craved.

“I love you more than anything in the world.” You sigh tiredly.

“Please start acting like it.”

[bonesgadh]

My opinion on what the future may hold for Gendrya (or a shipper’s desperate rant).

This is a very long post. It basically consists of me analizing evidence that points to Arya and Gendry being endgame. The reason why I decided to write this is because I want to give hope to some Gendrya shippers out there who were left pretty devastated after what happened on Sunday. Of course I can’t know for sure if all this shit will mean anything in the end, for all I know the failed proposal was Gendrya’s last scene and we are facing a bigger heartbreak. Still I wanted to share with you the reasons why I’m feeling optimistic and I really hope I can make you feel optimistic as well. Please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes because, although I do my best, english is not my first language :)

First, some shout-outs:

To @chocolatecarstairs for this wonderful post that points out how Arya and Gendry are pretty much redoing their story. You gave me the idea to write this :)

To @captainfangirlll for reminding me we still haven’t seen Gendry addressing Arya’s scars. I had forgotten that very important detail.

To @miladyaryastark for proving nothing is more effective than a fan with a quest and providing evidence that the show will go back to Storm’s End at some point.

To every fan who has mentioned how this recent turn of events is basically a live action version of “My Featherbed”, especially @ladywolfandbastardbull and @forehead451 for these two wonderful analysis.

 Last but not least to my mom™ for ranting with me every day of this damn week. Love you mom :)

Okay, let’s begin:

The “I reject you not because I don’t love you, but because I’m not ready to be with you” scene

I was born in the Bones fandom. Those of you who have followed me since I first got into this hellfire of a website know it. Temperance Brennan is my life guru and there’s no show, book or movie that has taught me more about love and life than Bones. 

When the now infamous episode 4 aired I saw a striking similitude between the Gendrya scene and a scene from the 100th episode of Bones. I don’t know if you have ever seen the show but the main couple are Booth & Brennan. He has been in love with her for a while and on that episode he finally makes his move and tells her he wants to give their relationship a shot. Brennan rejects him but you can tell she is suffering because she also has feelings for him, although she doesn’t want to risk ruining their relationship and she doesn’t want to take a leap of faith because her life is basically shit and she has been burnt before. Eventually and after some angst —him getting into a relationship with someone else, jealous Brennan— she realizes she loves him too and decides to give her relationship with Booth a shot and they have a baby and get married —although she said she would never do it— and they live happily ever after.

The Gendrya scene follows a very similar path. There’s an undeniable attraction between Arya and Gendry, an attraction that is years in the making. Although Arya was the first one to make her move with the whole “we are probably going to die” line, you could say them having sex only happened because it was an extreme situation and because of the threat of imminent death. Now that they have left that behind Gendry makes his move and confesses his love to Arya *sobs*, only to be rejected by her in a kind but still very sad way, and his heart clearly shatters in a million pieces.

I’m gonna take a risk here and say I know Arya pretty well —I identify with her a lot, actually—, and I’m certain one of the reasons behind her rejection is her fear of giving her heart to Gendry only to lose him as she has lost everything she has ever loved. Every person who has suffered loss, especially catastrophic loss develops a fear of attachment because they know firsthand that nothing lasts forever, and they are scared of being hurt again. Like they said in Grey’s Anatomy (back when it was good): “Fears means you have something to lose”; it was obvious Arya was terrified during the Battle of Winterfell and there were also traces of fear in her face as Gendry word-vomited his feelings for her. This has been said a lot in other posts so it might come across as repetitive, but Arya has lost so much and she is not willing to lose anything else (ironically by rejecting Gendry she is “losing him”, but at least she believes he still has a chance of finding happiness with another woman like @apiratecalledav mentions here.  Selflessness with a bit of the good ole self destruction).

Still, I firmly believe Arya will recapacitate and something will happen that will make her realize what she feels for Gendry is worth fighting for. My guess is it’ll have something to do with The Hound (you can read my theory below), and whatever happens will show her that it’s okay to be scared of loss, but that life is better when you are with those you love, even if it’s just for a little while. When she comes to this realization she will feel comfortable enough to let Gendry know how she really feels about him, how afraid she is of losing him again and how she is willing to fight her own demons in order to find peace and happiness with him, something that is long overdue (just like it happens on Bones. Seriously, you should watch it if you haven’t already. It’s full of life lessons).

Arya’s final lesson

I already wrote this in another post, you can read it here. The Hound will be crucial for our ship to stay alive.

Arya’s issue with letting go/Being “torn”

When Gendry tells Arya she is beautiful and that he loves her, her face is a very interesting mix of surprise, fear and awe. She is clearly so overwhelmed with what he just said that she can’t bring herself to say a word, because he literally took her breath away with his kiss. It’s quite an unusual reaction on Arya’s part as she always seems to be so calm and prepared for anything, which says a lot of how much Gendry’s lovely speech caught her off guard. I can’t help but wonder what she would’ve said if he hadn’t proposed, if his speech had ended with “None of it will be worth anything if you are not with me”.

One of Arya’s main traits is her issue with letting go. She can’t let go of her desire of returning to Winterfell, she can’t let go of Needle when Jaqen asks her to, she can’t let go of her identity as Arya Stark, she can’t let go of her list and her thirst of revenge even though she defeated the personification of death and a man gave his life for her to live. But if there’s one thing Arya hasn’t been able to let go as well is her feelings for Gendry. Maisie said it herself, the moment Arya reconnects with him she can’t help but remember the girl she used to be and how she was so in love with Gendry she was willing to follow him to the end of the world. Back in seasons 2 and 3 Arya was still a girl who wanted to be with Gendry but his mind was clearly set on something else. Now it’s the other way around, Gendry is head over heels in love with Arya but her mind is set on something else. 

Now that Arya’s old feelings for Gendry have risen to the surface, my guess is they will be addressed on the next two episodes because his proposal clearly shook her to her foundations. She will be torn —as Maisie said she would— between her thirst for revenge and her desire of being with Gendry and fulfilling a dream she had when she was thirteen years old. This will obviously be very hard for her because her list is what kept her alive all those years she spent away from home, it’s like giving up your lifesaver because you are ready to learn how to swim. And I want my girl to give that step, to chose life (yes I know you are tired of reading that expression everywhere but I can’t think of a better way to describe her options).

The three acts

This fucking show loves foreshadowing and mirroring scenes. Thanks to @chocolatecarstairs amazing post I noticed we have seen Gendrya complete two full cycles.

Cycle #1  

Arya and Gendry meet in King’s Landing.

Gendry defends Arya from Hot Pie.

Arya tells Gendry about her real identity.

Arya shows traces of being attracted to Gendry.

Arya asks Gendry to go with her to Winterfell and says she can be his family.

Gendry refuses her proposal in a very gentile way because he believes his fate to be somewhere else, and because he isn’t drawn to serving others forever.

Gendry leaves (unintentionally but still) and she goes with The Hound to Winterfell.

End of the first act.

Cycle #2

Arya and Gendry meet again in Winterfell.

Arya defends Gendry from The Hound.

Gendry tells Arya about his real identity.

Gendry shows traces of being attracted to Arya.

Gendry asks Arya to marry him and to be the Lady of Storm’s End.

Arya refuses his proposal in a very gentile way because (we assume) she believes her fate to be somewhere else, and because she isn’t drawn to the life he is offering her as a lord.

Arya leaves and she goes with The Hound to King’s Landing.

End of the second act.

At this point they are pretty much even. Now some people would take this as proof they have come full circle and that their story is over, but I disagree. Cycle #3 is still yet to unfold and I’m betting a large sum of money they will repeat the process one last time. If my analysis of @chocolatecarstairs analysis (Lol) is correct, my guess is their story is following the A-B-A structure.

They meet in King’s Landing (his birthplace)—they see each other again in Winterfell (her birthplace) —therefore they will reunite in King’s Landing (back to his birthplace and where their relationship began).

She is shown to be attracted to him—he is shown to be attracted to her—she will be shown to be attracted to him (although they kind of already showed that but work with me).

She told him she loved him (or that’s how I interpret the “I can be your family” quote)—he told her he loved her—now she will be the one to tell him she loves him.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome, right? Well, if they actually want to be together, they will need to do something to disrupt the pattern (something Bones also taught me). Now, how will they do it?

Let’s play attention to this scene that has already been referenced:

She asks him to come with her to Winterfell but he refuses—He asks her to come with him to Storm’s End but she refuses—?

AHA! Here’s where the pattern will break!

My guess is the key is in the final moment that will be mirrored:

“Last time you saw me you wanted me to come to Winterfell. Took the long road, but…”

(I don’t know if he says “road” or something that sounds very similar. If I’m wrong feel free to correct me).

Thanks to @miladyaryastark’s post I learned they filmed some stuff in the Cushendun Caves, which was used as location for Storm’s End back in season 2. It was actually the last known location for season 8 although I don’t think we have any idea who filmed there (logic points to Joe because Gendry is the new Lord but who knows?) Anyway, let’s suspend reality for a second and suppose both Joe and Maisie filmed there. I would love a callback to Gendry’s quote but this time Arya is the one who delivers it:

“Last time you saw me you wanted me to come to Storm’s End. Took the long road, but…”

And this is how this scene would bring an end to the third act of their story:

Gendry leaves Arya—Gendry returns to her—Arya leaves Gendry—Arya returns to him.

It would even be a different structurem from A-B-A to A-B-A-B. 

Full circle.

I would die if a scene like that makes it to the finale.

The symbolism of Arya’s target practice

We have seen Arya practicing her archery and being interrupted by Gendry twice now. First time in episode 2 and then in episode 4. My mom™ says both scenes are extremely symbolic and perfectly represent their relationship. Let me elaborate:

Arya’s archery practice is meant to represent her goal of killing Cersei. Why? Because when you are practicing archery you are basically aiming for a target. You need to concentrate in order to hit it, and a little distraction can cause you to miss. Arya’s main desire is to kill Cersei, she is her target. That’s why she looks so concentrated as she shoots and why she pretty much hides to practice, she is not willing to let anything or anyone distract her from her objective. She kills the Night King and instead of celebrating with the others, she chooses to go back to focus on her target instead. The Long Night was a distraction, but now she’s ready to return to her goal.

Along comes Gendry.

As I just mentioned, the first time he interrupts her is in episode 2 when he delivers her weapon. She makes a pause in her practice (a.k.a. her mission) to talk to him and, you know, ride him. The second time happens in episode 4, when Gendry literally comes between her and her target and she almost pierces his head with an arrow. This time she also makes a pause to listen to what he is saying to her, she even puts down the bow for a moment as she kisses him. After she rejects his proposal she goes back to shooting arrows, which symbolizes her returning to her target.

What can we conclude from this? That Gendry is the only one who can literally make her turn away from her target (wow I’m using the world “literally” too much). He can get her to forget about her objective, even if it’s only for a little while. He is her distraction, and I believe he will be the reason why she won’t be the one to kill Cersei.

Arya’s scars

Another thing my mom™ pointed out regarding Arya’s scars (thanks @captainfangirlll for reminding us the director said they will be important) is the fact that no one else besides Gendry has seen them. She noticed this, which probably caught her off guard because he is the first person she shows them to. You look at Arya and the first thing that catches your eye is her cold demeanor and seemingly overconfident attitude, you would never imagine her body is full of scars that remind her all the time someone tried to kill her and almost succeeds. Her scars represent her vulnerability, that she can be hurt, that’s why she hasn’t shown them to anybody. But Gendry saw them. The moment she catches him staring at them she demands him to take his pants off. She doesn’t want him to stare because that gives him an intel of how vulnerable she really is, and she doesn’t like that. He literally saw her scars which is very symbolic. I don’t think anyone has seen her that naked since she was a baby tbh.

The live action version of “My Featherbed”

I don’t have much to say about this because other fans have made a much better job than me (@ladywolfandbastardbull and @forehead451 for example). What I can say is I’m certain the lyrics of the song will play an important part :) 

I honestly have no idea how Gendrya will end the show. Will they marry? I have no idea. Will Gendry give up his newfound fame and fortune to sail west of Westeros with her? Probably. Will Arya realize she doesn’t have to be a traditional lady and that Gendry would never ask her to be something she is not? Hopefully. Will Gendry be crowned King and Arya will go back to Winterfell, never to see each other again? God, I hope not. 

But what I believe, in my heart, is that they will be endgame. How? If only I knew. Maisie said Arya’s arc this season revolves around her regaining her humanity and finding herself after years of misery. Joe said Gendry’s arc is very tightly linked to Arya’s. They brought Gendry back to make a statement, for us to see a side of Arya we hadn’t really seen before. For her to remember the person she used to be and the one she could still be. Remember this until May 19th. Don’t give into despair. For the love of God, get the fuck away from reddit and spoilers. Trust in the story they have told us since season 1.

Feel free to share your opinions with me. I only ask you, for the love of all that is holy, to NOT post spoilers or pseudo leaks. I don’t want to know and there are others who don’t want to know either. Please respect our decision :)

*Don’t Stop Believing plays in the background*

[quietlysomethingalso]

What makes Chuck the bad guy?

AKA, some extremely disjointed, overly-long, informal and fever-dream-esque thoughts about Jimmy and Chuck’s relationship. AKA a big rant-y meta post of the sort that I have said in the past that I was too lazy to actually make. And yet here I am. Spoilers for BCS season 4 (and earlier) ahead.

I also, though I know I probably shouldn’t, feel the need to point out that all of this is just my interpretation, and I’m not trying to say my take on things is perfect or (least of all) better than anybody else’s. Just tossing in my two cents is all.

So, first things first, I... don’t actually think Chuck is the “bad guy”, not exactly. That characterization is way too simplistic and I definitely do not think that is meant to be the ultimate takeaway from Jimmy and Chuck’s relationship. There is a scene at the end of season 3 where Kim makes it clear that she is wracked with guilt about the events of the bar hearing. Jimmy has no such scene- instead, not long after this, we get the scene where Jimmy sabotages Chuck with the insurance company. Not as a strategy, but just to lash out, out of spite. In the aftermath of Chuck’s death, as Jimmy and Kim grow more distant, we see Kim’s lingering humanity being juxtaposed with Jimmy’s stubborn refusal to accept any responsibility, or feel any remorse, for what he did to Chuck. It is the spark for Jimmy’s incredible season 4 descent into total, Saul Goodman moral bankruptcy. And I think this is evidence of the fact that Jimmy mishandled his relationship with Chuck.

But with that said, to say that Chuck mishandled his relationship with Jimmy in turn would be an understatement, and I do personally believe that he bears the brunt of the responsibility for the conflict the two of them had.

Chuck is a widely hated character across a lot of the Better Call Saul fandom (and yes, there is definitely a part of me that irrationally hates him, too), so it feels weird to be saying that lately I have been feeling like Jimmy needs someone to go to bat for him against his brother. Recently hollenius has made some incredibly insightful and well-articulated posts describing the nuance in Jimmy and Chuck’s relationship and explaining their reasons for identifying with and sympathizing with Chuck as a character. I’m absolutely not trying to call them out; they made really good points which I am not trying to criticize or “debunk” or anything (or even really directly address). But they did get me thinking more about my own thoughts on Jimmy and Chuck. I have never found Chuck to be more sympathetic than Jimmy- not by a long shot- and I think I just wanted to articulate some of my reasons for that. Partly just to get it down on paper, but also because I think it might help me to better understand my own thoughts on the show.

Better Call Saul is, just as Breaking Bad was, all about how characters change. In BCS, a major part of that is the characters’ attitudes about how people can change, if at all. The final scene of season 4 is so heartbreaking because it is the culmination of something we have seen over and over again in Jimmy and Kim’s dynamic- Kim believes that Jimmy can change, and that he can be a good person, and Jimmy is ignorant to it, and squandering it. (I have said before and I will say again, the tragedy of their relationship is that Jimmy has from Kim what he always wanted from Chuck, and he is just too stubborn to realize it.) We know what Chuck thinks about change, too. He puts it in as plain terms as possible. “People don’t change! You’re Slippin’ Jimmy!” In Chuck’s eyes, Jimmy was bad once, and so that’s all he will ever be, no matter what, full stop.

Is he wrong? Everything Chuck says about Jimmy seems to be true. Jimmy breaks the rules all the time even when he says he will try to change, and you can hardly pin that directly on Chuck (Chuck didn’t make him take a bribe from the Kettlemans, or go around Cliff’s back at D&M, etc. etc.). I believe it’s perfectly reasonable to look at the two of them and determine that Chuck simply knows Jimmy better than Jimmy knows himself, and is right not to trust him. But that’s not how I interpret it. In fact, I believe that Chuck’s beliefs about Jimmy have virtually nothing to do with Jimmy’s behavior in the first place. And I also believe that Chuck’s prophecy for Jimmy is self-fulfilling.

Here’s what I think: I think that Chuck hates Jimmy. Hates him not for his deeds, but hates him as a person. And he uses Jimmy’s troubled past as an excuse to let himself off the hook for it. I am actually extremely confident that this is what is going on with them. Chuck has a deep-seeded resentment of Jimmy. Mistrusting him is a foregone conclusion, and a crutch.

I think it’s really about jealousy. Specifically, Jimmy is good at making people like him, and Chuck is bad at it, and Chuck resents that. I don’t have any interviews to pull from off the cuff but I believe there are quotes from people involved with the show to this effect. It’s also really apparent in the flashbacks we get. Chuck is deeply disturbed by Jimmy’s platonic chemistry with Rebecca. And he resents Jimmy for being the favorite child of their parents. It goes hand in hand with Chuck constantly expressing his frustration that people have affection for Jimmy. This personal struggle that Chuck has with relationships is actually an incredibly sad and moving story that, in a certain way, makes me very sympathetic to him. What I find unacceptable is that he turns around and resents Jimmy for this. He blames Jimmy for being more loved than he is- after all, Jimmy is the “bad” one and he is the “good” one.

To answer the question of what makes Chuck the “bad guy”... well, really, a better question would really be, what do I think Chuck did wrong? In my opinion, it’s not really about what Chuck does to Jimmy, exactly, but how Chuck treats Jimmy. Was Jimmy entitled to a job at HHM just because he passed the bar? I certainly don’t think so. Not even after bringing in the Sandpiper case. (Although it obviously proves Jimmy could potentially be a major asset to the company, that doesn’t oblige Howard or Chuck to actually hire him; even if he were a flawless candidate, which he isn’t, that’s a decision they have the discretion to make.) The reason those decisions of Chuck’s are wrong isn’t because of the decisions themselves but the reasoning behind them. Chuck doesn’t reject Jimmy from HHM just because he doesn’t think Jimmy is qualified for the job (that’s something two brothers with a healthy relationship would be capable of having a rational conversation about, for goodness’s sakes!)- he does it because he actively wants to avoid giving Jimmy a chance to succeed. If Jimmy ever actually did succeed and improve himself, that would invalidate Chuck’s justification for resenting Jimmy. That would take away his crutch. And that is unacceptable to him.

Why did Chuck continue to pretend that he believed in Jimmy? Why did he make Howard take responsibility for him? Why did he allow Jimmy to idolize him and attach to him? I believe it is because Chuck knows on some level that his beliefs about Jimmy are wrong, and that’s what he is trying to hide.

I think the tragedy of Jimmy’s devolution into Saul- what we are meant to take away from his relationship with Chuck- is that Jimmy was, at one point, able to change, and Chuck prevented it. Not that Jimmy is flawless, but that his motivation was genuinely to be a better person. Would Slippin’ Jimmy have ever been concerned about whether it was ethical to take a bribe? Would Saul? Jimmy is ashamed of himself for it. The same way he is ashamed of himself for the billboard stunt to the point where he hides Chuck’s newspaper, just because he knows Chuck will be disappointed in him.

After Jimmy learns the truth about what Chuck thinks of him, he has a complete crisis of confidence and returns to Cicero. As Slippin’ Jimmy, he believed that trying to do the right thing just made you vulnerable (wolves and sheep!). He let his guard down when he tried to change for Chuck, and he got burned because of it. I don’t think Jimmy could ever get over that (again- the tragedy of Kim and Jimmy’s relationship!) Ever since, Jimmy slowly stopped questioning the ethics of his actions, and committed to his “the ends justify the means” mentality. And now he has found security in the old Slippin’ Jimmy mindset. Every man for himself.

Once again, to be clear, I’m not trying to say that I think Jimmy is free from blame, or that Jimmy was right to do what he did to Chuck. Absolutely not. Jimmy is incredibly flawed, and he makes bad decisions constantly, virtually nonstop; it’s one of his defining character traits. But I do believe that Chuck’s mistreatment of him is the reason for Jimmy’s downfall. And in that sense, it does make Chuck the “bad guy” of Better Call Saul- the reason that Jimmy went down the path to becoming Saul, in the end.

There’s that scene near the end of season 2, when Chuck is trying to convince Kim that Jimmy sabotaged him. Kim knows that Chuck is right- she knows that it is exactly the kind of thing that Jimmy would do, and that Chuck knows that, too. But she defends Jimmy anyway. And she lays into Chuck.

“I know he’s not perfect. And I know he cuts corners. But you’re the one who made him this way. He idolizes you. He accepts you. He takes care of you. And all he ever wanted was your love and support. But all you’ve ever done is judge him. You never believed in him. You never wanted him to succeed. And you know what? I feel sorry for him. And I feel sorry for you.”

I think it’s the single most important exchange in the entire show.

[itsamalfoy-potterthing]

I don’t usually (ever) post my fics... but here we are

I figured it was time to put one out there. 

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15632505

Harry sighed. He had been looking all afternoon, but his book is nowhere to be found. He suddenly wished he had let Hermione talk him into a shelf for his office. It had been 4 years since Hogwarts, and still Hermione was hardly ever wrong. He glanced up at the clock by the door. 'Eight already. Ron is probably gone by now. I wonder if-' Harry's thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a sudden presence in the room. "Can I help you?" He asked, suddenly wishing to leave his office and make his way to his apartment. He hates having stay longer than he absolutely has to, and he had already wasted so long looking for his book. "Why yes, you can. So kind of you to offer." The man smirked at Harry in a way only he could. Harry let a small smile fall into place. "Malfoy. Haven't seen you in a while. Almost forgot that you worked here." That was a lie. Harry thought about Draco all day. He seemed to always have him on his mind. Of course, it didn't help that Draco worked just across the hall. Harry saw him every morning at 11:15. He convinced himself that it was a coincidence that he happened to pass by Draco's office at the exact moment that Draco leaves for a coffee break. Harry called it chance when they happened to pass each other and stop to engage in friendly conversation. "Oh please, Potter. I'd hardly say that this morning qualifies as 'a while'. Do try not to be too dramatic." Despite his snarky tone, Harry knew that Draco was only joking. Draco's odd 'sense of humour' took him quite a while to get used to, but he learned that the man meant well. Harry grinned, joining in on the playful banter. "Honestly, Malfoy. Who do you think I am? I've never been dramatic. You on the other hand.." Draco smiled and shrugged. "I never said I wasn't. At least I admit my faults." "Whatever," Harry said still grinning. He found his eyes drawn to the smile on Draco's face. His smile was relaxed and genuine. His lips looked soft. The smile once again shifted into a smirk. Harry suddenly realized what he was doing and awkwardly asked, "What is it you wanted?" Draco's smirk was replaced with a nervous expression. He almost looked unsure. Harry had never seen Draco look so vulnerable before. He looked so...cute. After a few moments, Draco spoke timidly, "I want you to...Harry Potter, would you please... Harry, would you like to maybe go for dinner sometime?...Maybe?" Draco rested his gaze on the floor. Harry froze. "Like a date?" He asked quietly. 'This cannot be happening. There is no way Draco Malfoy just asked me on a date'. "Yes? I.." He sighed, "...Harry, I really like you. I have for years. I mean, why wouldn't I? You're Harry Potter, the hottest man in the Europe. The point is: Yes, I would to take you out for dinner... on a date." He smiled nervously. Even in the dim lighting of Harry's Ministry office, Draco looked incredible. Not even seconds after, Draco coughed and spoke quickly. "Of course, you don't have to say yes. I understand if you don't want to...You know, actually, just forget I even came in here." Draco, blushing like mad, quickly spun around and rushed to the door. "Draco! Wait! Draco!" Harry grabbed his hand and pulled Draco back into the large room. Draco expertly avoided Harry's eyes at all costs, blushing harder at the contact. "Draco, please look at me?" Harry huffed a small sigh and gently lifted Draco's chin to look at him. "Draco. I would love to go on a date with you." "Really? Are you sure? What am I saying? Of course you'd love to go on a date with me. I'm gorgeous." Draco grinned, quickly returning to his usual playful and confident self. "Exactly! You're easily the most handsome man in this room." Draco laughed. Harry loved his laugh. It immediately brightened his day, giving him a strange feeling in his gut. "I'm not going to argue with you, git. Does Friday work for you?" "Definitely. Be ready at eight?" "Sure. And Potter, do try to be presentable. I have a reputation to uphold." Draco snickered, clearly poking fun at his past priorities. "Being an arse doesn't qualify as a reputation, but I suppose I will try for your sake. Wouldn't want to damage your enormous ego." "I'm glad that we're on the same page then." Draco once again turned towards the door, only this time with a large grin spread across his face. "Oh, one more thing." Draco turned around to say something, but Harry cut him off with a swift kiss. "I've been wanting to do that since sixth year." Draco went silent, and, for a moment, Harry thought he had done something wrong. "Sorry! I shouldn't have done that without asking first! I'm so sorry, Draco! I-" "I love you." He spoke so softly that Harry almost didn't hear it. "I love you, Harry. I have loved you for a long time now, and I hated that I couldn't have you. You have no idea how hard it was for me to come in here, and you ruined it all. We were going to have a splendid time on our date. I was going to ask you to be my boyfriend. You were going to say yes. We were going to be the best couple the wizarding world has seen. I was going to be the best boyfriend you've ever had. I was going to treat you to whatever you asked of me. You were going to fall in love with me. I was going to ask you to move in, and eventually, we would've gotten married." Tears began to roll down Draco's face, silently accentuating his pain. "We would've had a wonderful life together, and each day l would love you more. You would have loved me. I would have finally been happy. I would finally have the one thing I ever needed. I would have had a life full of love and happiness and you, Harry. I could have finally been able to have peace knowing that at least one person cared about me, and you ruined it all. You had to make me say it. You had to use my greatest weakness against me, Harry, you had to kiss me and make me feel safe and happy. You are the only man l will ever love and now I've frightened you off all because you couldn't be satisfied with dinner." Draco, who had gradually gotten louder throughout his rant, stood silent and vulnerable before Harry. "Well, it's a good thing I ruined your plans then," Harry softly whispered, as he pulls Draco closer. "What?" Draco tilted his head in confusion. Although he was anticipating Harry's rejection, he hadn't expected him to make light of his heartbreak. "I mean, it just seems like a waste of time to me. In theory, your plan is great, but it doesn't quite work when applied to the two of us, you know?" "I'm not sure I do know. Why wouldn't it work with us? We could be great. I don't see why you aren't even considering it. I mean, I know we've had our fair share of disagreements but-" "It wouldn't work because I can't fall in love you, Draco. It's impossible." "Oh. I-I understand. That's alright. Uhm, well, I guess I'd better go then. I apologize for wasting your time." "Draco, I can't fall in love with you if I already love you." "What?! That's great! This worked out better than I had planned!" Draco hesitated and thought over what just happened. "You utter twat! I fucking hate you, right now! I can't believe you did that! You fucking prick! I thought I had lost my only chance with the love of my life and you decide to not inform me that it was requited?! Leave me alone, Potter! I can't look at you!" Draco yelled and fled from the room. Harry sat on his cluttered desk, regretting his actions. He suddenly grinned when a blonde head peaks into the doorway. "Friday at eight. I expect you not to be late....I'm still mad at you." As soon as he had finished, he chucked something at Harry's head and disappeared. Harry rubbed his head and looked at the offending object resting on his lap. "Fucking Slytherin," he muttered, smiling at the book he had been looking for. He picked up the book from his lap and grabbed his wand. Harry spent the rest of the day (the rest of his life) appreciating the genius of Malfoy's plan.