#im sick so I missed therapy today

[tr4sh-hive-3]

i need HELP pLEASE (& thank you)

fuck fuck fuck fuCK fUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

i need help.

I am simply in shambles.

hi! my name’s pan, I’m 13, and I’m failing all my classes. Fuck! I’m so lonely. Everyone’s disappointed in me. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything. Please help me.

I want to do something. I need to do something, anything. I can write. I can go full fucking Hamilton on this bitch. Like tomorrow won’t arrive, like I’m running out of time, like it’s going out of style, all that jazz. that’s my only skill, but fuck it’s pretty goddamn useful. I can do five (5) things; read, write, think, talk, and love. last one probably wouldn’t be super useful for college.

okay, I think I’ve calmed down a bit. hear me out. I will post something on tumblr everyday. everyday. cause if I can’t do something regularly that actually takes consistent memory and planning and commitment and all that fucking jazz I’m gonna start having suicidal daydreams again. even if it’s a stupid shitpost, I need————fucking something. This post has been in my drafts for, probably, some amount of weeks. I didn’t even finish that last sentence, “I need-“. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Yeah, writing is not useful. Theoretically, it should be, right? I should be seducing teachers and colleges and all sorts of academics with essays, but I’m not. I’m not even that good at writing. Mama says I am but she’s fucking lying. She also says I’m beautiful and smart and hardworking. The only reason I don’t have suicidal fantasies is cause of my mama. I love my mama very much. But she’s a fucking liar.

I can’t write. (4).

The only thing I read is fanfiction. I’m just gonna be honest ‘bout that. I’ve read the first 5 chapters of Divergent and Jesus fucking Christ it’s boring as fuck. Hold on: reading test scores. I’m usually in the 99th percentile for reading comprehension/proficiency. And lemme tell you, every time I take one of those silly little tests, it does WONDERS for my ego. But I am unable to read regularly.

I can’t read. (3).

Pretty sure I have severe social anxiety. I’ve always thought I would be able to talk to and entertain and charm people easily. Because I can talk to myself. I’m always talking to myself in made-up scenarios. And I’m always charming and entertaining. It’s so annoying when I’m trying to socialize with actual humans and I keep stuttering and going quiet and covering my face in embarrassment. And at first I thought it wasn’t that bad. That I could make those annoying-ass mannerisms kinda cute, right? And I could lean into it and make “cute’n’shy” the selling point of my personality. I know that sounds super cringey. This whole post sounds super cringey. And my last post too. I’m so scared that everyone else thinks I’m cringey and annoying and obnoxious and too loud or too quiet and not worth talking to. Anyway, that selling point does not work. It just gives me more anxiety. And fuck if I know the impression it makes on anyone else.

I can’t talk (to other people). (2).

I think I might be cupioromantic. I’ve read about romance. I’ve heard it described as butterflies and ecstasy pills. Romantic, sexual attractions are supposed to be strong feelings. Or at least enjoyable ones. And heartbreak is supposed to feel physically painful. I’ve never felt any of those. I thought I was touch-starved, but there’s this guy that I don’t particularly like who says he has a crush on me and we cuddle at the bus stop and sure the cuddles are fine and I don’t mind his company but I am not attracted to him at all. For some reason, I thought cuddling with a tolerable person would be super nice? But it’s not. So now I’m kinda just doing it so he doesn’t feel rejected. Not that I’m leading him on! I’ve been very clear that I am very much not attracted to him. I guess we’re friends. He refers to me as his crush. I don’t like that. This love rant has gotten kind of off topic. Back on track; I keep having these fantasies with a nameless person in which I hold their hand, kiss their forehead, make them pancakes, sing them love songs, write them love letters, give them little romantic gifts, pet their hair till they fall asleep, etc. I’ve never actually felt that way about a real person. I might not ever feel that way about a real person. All this romance stuff is really confusing and annoying. I’ll just stick to platonic relationships for now. But I don’t have any friends. I really hope everyone’s indifferent towards me. It’s so much easier to be unknown than it is to be disliked. I’m not sure which one I am.

I can’t love. (1).

My grandfather patented a medical imaging thingamajig. He was pretty smart. He’s dead now. I’m actually typing this from one of his three phones that I inherited cause my old one got stolen. I always liked the bastard. My dad yelled at him a lot but he didn’t give a shit. He never got upset or offended or quiet or loud back when my dad was an ass to him. Maybe he wasn’t the best parent. His kids (my dad and tia) turned out to be some nasty pieces of work. Actually, just my dad. Tia’s fine—just kinda loopy and alcoholic. She’s really nice. Her husband’s an ass, though. And her son. I can’t really blame the son. His parents are a little subpar. I got off topic again. Sorry. It’s kinda late and I’ve been dreadfully sick these last few days. You’ve got an attention span of steel if you’ve made it this far. Sorry again, back on track:

Following the pattern of this text post, I am now going to prove my state of <no thoughts head empty>.

I overthink things. A lot. I think there’s something wrong with me. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe my thoughts are completely normal. Maybe this is what it’s like inside everyone’s head. But if I’m the same as everyone else, why is it that the average “everyone else” can function as a human being? I can’t function. I can barely brush my teeth everyday. Let alone exist bearably in a school setting. Grades are the only things that matter right now. And mine are shit. So I don’t matter. I can’t even force myself to try. All of it is so fucking boring. AND I’M OFF TOPIC. AGAIN. FUCKING CHRIST. MY GRADES? SHIT. GRADES DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS. INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? THINKING. ABILITY TO THINK. ABILITY TO BRAIN PROPERLY. BRAINING. BRAINING WELL. ZAPPING THE FUCKING BRAIN CELLS IN PROPER FUCKING ORDER. ALL THE BRAIN CELLS. FUCKING. BRAIN CELL ORGY. HOTEL? MOTHERFUCKING TRIVAGO.

Think? I cannot. Can’t think. I cannot think. (0).

Okay! That’s all five! I have zero (0) skills! Yay! Shit! I have provided evidence and reasoning. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally gotten to the end of this godforsaken text post. This bitch has been in the drafts for weeks. What was even the point of this? Is this what is feels like to finish something? To accomplish a task?

If you’re actually reading this, congratulations. You’re ready to kill god. If you haven’t already. You have the focus of a goddamn hawk.

I. Am. Going. To. Stop. Rambling

I. Am. Going. To. Post. Everyday.

(insert clever sign-off here)

[your-queer-dad]

Hi dad,

Today I had a panic attack.

I was overwhelmed, because my mom so sick, my migraines and dizziness and other stuff have been getting worse, algebra 2 is overwhelming sometimes, and I just feel drained because of it.

I didn’t lash out or anything, but I kinda just cried quietly and tried to eat dinner. I ate half of it, which was hard, but I threw the rest away.

I wanted to sh so bad, and the urges have been getting worse.

I’ve been finding new coping mechanisms, so that’s good, and they’ve been working.

I was able to lock myself in the bathroom and calm down, but I kinda just feel drained and somehow still anxious from it. I don’t know what to do. I have an awesome mom and older sister I can talk to, but it’s really hard to talk about stuff sometimes, and I really don’t want to bother anyone. I’m in therapy and on meds, but it’s just so hard sometimes, and everything just feels like to much sometimes. And I always feel like I’m faking it. Like my stimming is fakes. Like my interests are fake. Like my emotions are fake. Like my whole sense of self is fake. And like, I know it’s not true. I know I am autistic (diagnosed when I was 8), I know I’m passionate about infectious pathology, I know I feel stuff, I know I’m a guy, and that living as a girl was hell for me, but my emotions always feel fake and distant and numb, and I always doubt myself. I need to cry a lot, like breakdown and sob and scream, but I can’t, and it just feels so frustrating.

And I’ve just been having so many memories come up from my childhood, and it just makes me so sad.

I had a dream last night that I was shopping with my cousin (who helped me through a lot, and was my best friend during tough situations. I haven’t seen her in 5 years), and I just miss her so much. It made me so sad and happy at the same time, and I just wish I could see her again.

I miss my older brother (I haven’t seen him in 5 years either), and I just want to make sure he’s ok, and give him a hug.

I keep getting random memories of an old neighbor we used to live by, who was so seeet and kind. We trusted him a lot, and played in his backyard and porch area frequently. He always had those little popsicles that are in the plastic tube thingy, and he always gave me the blue ones cause he knew they were my favorite. And though we haven’t seen him in years (we moved a lot), I miss him, and hope he’s doing ok.

I always want to help out more, and feel like I’m not doing enough. I just want to be more useful and see people smile. I like being helpful, and it hurts when I can’t do something on my own.

I feel stupid and lazy all the time. I suck at math, and can’t focus. It’s just so hard to focus, and my brain has been fogging more often in the past few years, and I just want to do something right for once.

I don’t know how to tell my mom about this, but I know that I really need to, because I don’t want to relapse again, and I don’t want to scare anyone.

Do you have any advice?

Also, I hope this ask finds you well.

Please make sure to drink some water, eat something, shower/bathe, and get some rest

Thanks for reading this :)

Hey kiddo! That sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself bud. Im so proud of you for resisting the urge to self harm. I know personally how hard that is but I'm so proud of you. No matter how fake it feels, it isn't. It sounds to me like you're invalidating your own feelings there bud. However you're feeling is true. You aren't stupid or lazy, you have so much going on right now and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes. Life is crazy and loud and a whirlwind and calm and warm and painful- it's so many things, it's natural to be overwhelmed by it sometimes. I would really really recommend talking to someone if you feel like you're gonna self harm. It isn't a burden to them, they care about you as much as you care about them.

- dad x

[jacebeleren]

im soooo fucking mad i missed my ADHD medication evaluation appointment today because i have ADHD and i fucking forgot. i cant stop crying because i feel so stupid and im so angry. i literally requested today off work so i could have this appointment and i still fucking missed it. god fucking damn it. im so sick of how life-ruining ADHD has been for me. ive been stuck in several dead-end jobs because i barely graduated high school and i dropped out of college. ive wasted so much money paying for things and then forgetting about them or paying late fees for important things ive forgotten. i literally have a stack of several years of daily planners that ive never written in in my desk that my therapists / doctors kept telling me to buy instead of JUST GIVING ME THE FUCKING MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant get anything done i cant remember anything i literally dont have object permanence like a newborn baby. i got diagnosed in 2021 and im only now getting around to having an evaluation for medication because ITS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO KEEP A CALENDAR AND REMEMBER APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and getting diagnosed was genuinely so embarrassing to me because of the tiktok quirkification of adult ADHD diagnosis. and while im glad i know now so i can at least try to get help i sometimes wish id never found out i have ADHD because thinking about how different my life couldve been if id gotten help sooner pisses me off so bad. and its not like im a person who didnt have access to get diagnosed until recently. ive been privileged enough to have really good healthcare my entire life and ive been in and out of therapy seeing therapists and psychiatrists since i was 10 years old and i got diagnosed autistic when i was 11. but no one ever fucking thought to have me evaluated for ADHD and i didnt know i could ask back then. they just looked at all my problems and said "youre clearly struggling but youre also too smart to need help. just do it." and then they watched me crash and burn instead of FUCKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have a lifelong history of having so many mental illnesses and disorders but literally none of them make me violently hate myself as much as my adult ADHD diagnosis does. im so sick and tired of this. can they find a fucking cure for this shit. quickly

[gabapentinblues]

journal update 3.13.2025

hii morning coffee gang, lol. i need a pink coffee divider. also i know no one really reads these and i think im fine w that. really i just like the process of typing them up and then theyre there for me to look back at. i feel like i used to include every little detail of my day.

slept a lotttt last night, i went to bed at like 7:30pm maybe actually fell asleep at 8 something and woke up at 9am today. i spend more time asleep every day than i do awake, like easily.

i was really sad and depressy yesterday, didnt really talk to anyone. i napped for like two hours and just stayed in my room all day. i wasnt really moved to make any kind of art but i tried.

i still feel phlegmy and sick which is so gross and i think its going to hang around for a while.

i opened instagram this morning and honestly it just depresses me. seeing all the fun things people are doing. saw a lot of pics of my old coworkers who i miss, and of course the girl i dated for a short time. i explained to her that i moved away and she never messaged me back and it made me really sad. so many clumsy broken off endings, i hate having to deal w them. i could just mourn and mourn and mourn.

i did have a dream w someone in it who i havent seen for years and when i was looking at insta they had messaged me like two weeks ago that we should hang out. so that was a positive. and there were months of funny reels that i had been sent, didnt watch all of them bc even that was starting to make me sad.

im sad that my friend i reached out to never texted me back when i invited her to a show thats tomorrow night now. im just not going to hear from her. im just not important enough.

i just feel so behind in life. i dont know where im going and i guess its just my place to be stalled out and left behind. i dont know when i'll ever find something that feels like peace and stable growth. its all just desolation and storms to weather, sleeping life away bc i cant be dead, or crying like its going to kill me.

there are a lot of birds singing outside right now. spring is really almost truly here. were also about to have mercury retrograde. and im just letting things be.

i feel less compelled to say something about my crush bc now its only about two weeks away that we will be able to hang out in person and maybe i can say something then. im still wondering if it will come as too big of a surprise. best case scenario maybe weve all been drinking a bit and i admit it like truth or dare sleepover style.

i think i might get to have that moment.

i think i can have a lot of pretty decent moments. things have just been totally normal. low level flirting and also not being totally sure how to read my friends gf. like its really 50/50 from my perspective whether shed be into it. but like im just going to have to take those odds.

just being able to hang out up there w them will be nice. spring and summer days are coming. i just want to forget that all this badness ever happened. i really want to celebrate pride this year, just a random thought.

i dont know what my plans are for this weekend. i might not take a trip out of town w my sister. we might not decide until tomorrow. whatever happens is okay w me.

maybe i'll be able to do something today. im going to actually get dressed and maybe work on the piles of stuff in my room. basically everything i own is chaotically piled in boxes in the center of my room and its just a nightmare ive been avoiding. but i might work on it today. definitely going to get dressed and get cleaned up.

i'll probably call a couple friends and catch up. i had texted my friend who doesnt even know i moved but didnt call him yesterday bc i felt too depressed. i want to push against my depression today. i have a lot of friends that i can catch up with. dont want to overwhelm myself though.

im keeping a journal for my therapist, just my mood and what i do in a day. idk im trying to be optimistic about therapy but we'll see. trying to be optimistic when the days all feel the same is so hard.

finishing my coffee now, texting w my fp, feels like today can maybe be okay

[homicidal-lingonberry]

this isnt funny AT ALL but its so funny. I typed "what if I kill myself bc there are no jobs" into indeed and it said there were no matches. and then it was like "you might like this job working sales at a garbage collection company that pays 50 cents more than minimum wage and only offers 18 hours per week!"

also btw this is after missing several therapy sessions (due to the holidays and my therapist being sick + her baby having appointments) I finally get to chat with her today just for my assessment to be due and so we did that and then I lost the other 30 mins of my appointment bc the assessment has to be approved first. splendid timing.

if Ive been venty as hell on here lately just remember Ive gone like. 4x longer without therapy than usual and Im being so fucking cool and brave right now.

[storiesofsvu]

Happy Thursday hoes, let’s get to it!

Todays pros: citytv thinks im in TO so I’m getting it started at six!

Cons: no subtitles.

Alright, OG up first.

Love this new detective that’s a fanboy of everyone, makes me miss rollins lol

Pls let it be a female perp. We love a good female perp.

Okay seriously, this very subtle shaky cam is fucking terrible and hurts my head.

The GROAN I let out at the sight of Samantha in her well fitted pants suit sitting there like a fucking badass pissed off look on her face. Ma’am. Please. (yes, she is the only reason I watch this show)

Okay, the pedo may be the only eye witness, but they still have blood on the murderers pants, don’t they? Would that not tie it together enough? Or is it because the eye witness was the one who lead them to him? God I hate the legal system.

I REALLY wish this show would show more of the arguing between Nolan and Sam, like these two do NOT see eye to eye or have the same opinions on basically anything. And while I know major fighting would be called unprofessional, we at least used to see the lawyers get into it, or bantering. There’s so many times that you can tell just by the look of her face that Sam’s pissed, that she doesn’t think highly of him or his decisions on cases, like she hates him. I wanna see that play out on screen LOL

SVU time!

Let’s see if this week is any better than the last ones

Liv back in therapy, we love to see it.

A crumb of EO? Will that keep the crazies at bay? (like, I don’t even ship it but fuck am I sick of it now, the baiting is hella annoying and terrible, make it happen or not, don’t keep leading the actual ship fans on…)

Uhhh… is there not some kind of patient dr confidentiality? Like this bitch could have just lost her job (esp with someone like mcgrath involved… wtf..)

ITS THIS KIND OF SHIT THAT MAKES ME FERAL. In previous episodes they’ve had situations where shrinks couldn’t testify when they were the ONE witness, and like the entire case went into the trash because of it based off this exact type of situation… where TF is the continuity??

Okay… so she’s a minor so I can see the loophole here, BUT the therapist should have told her parents….

I knew it wasn’t the math tutor…

Ok… so mcgrath threatens to kill the math tutor, but when they’re picking up the son across the street he goes rage on benson?? And the iab captain? Shouldn’t you be attempting to punch the kid or something? God I really hope this ep is his last…

“can you drop that to me?” good thing Bruno’s there cause fin would have ZERO ideas on how to do that…

“until the age of 25 the male brain is about as useful as an electrified meatball” jfc… that wins for best line of the night.

Where the fuck is Velasco? Like.. man deserves his paycheques too..

Okay, mcgrath’s wife needs to shut the fuck up, liv’s trying to help her daughter and she accuses liv of gunning for mcgrath’s job.. jfc..

I was expecting mcgrath to throw hands not pull out his fucking GUN jfc… and like.. that was infront of two cars, that’s gonna be on a dash cam somewhere…

This is one of those one case turns into 4 but there’s only 5 mins left of the episode… cmon…

“I guess I didn’t see it in myself…” THANK YOU I was just gonna bring up the whole half assed back plot of mcgrath being abusive… (which is on par for cops, and ironic that the woman playing his wife was the wife of a cop who abused/raped her in 1.o)

This very much seems like a good bye. Pls let it be a good bye. Petition to bring back Garland!

Okay… im confused, I looked at my phone for 5 seconds and lost track of what was happening. Is the iab captain joining svu, cause that doesn’t work…theyre both captains. Or is she saying she’ll be filling in for mcgrath in the meantime??

Onto OC!

Okay, I am incredibly thankful for carisi on oc, but he’s the *sex crimes* ada.. not the only Manhattan ada, he wouldn’t be prosecuting this case… lol

Me: “wait I thought he was an officer.”

Reyes: “detective?” *side eye*

Me: ah yes, okay he was promoted the writers didn’t forget between weeks.

God this entitled pos teenager… wtf… its not *your* house bitch.

Ah, thank god, here’s the arguing that was missing in OG, not surprised its Elliot. Lol.

Oh god..the bratty teen overheard that didn’t she? Fuck..

God… this girl is gonna blow the entire thing, isn’t she? Like, in todays day and age with all the social media and how teenagers (and some adults) don’t know how to go without it, there’s no way they’d cut contact with everyone and delete socials and keep things quiet.

Aaaaaannd here we go. 5 seconds in and she’s blown their new location. (also WHY would the cops even tell them the location? That seems like something they wouldn’t do until they were halfway there…)

Okay… we’re missing a daughter.. I don’t know if this is supposed to be Maureen or elizabeth but I’m assuming liz as it looks like her kids are twins and she was the twin… Also where’s dickie? (I know the brother said something about someone not being able to get a flight? Im just deaf and without subtitles I couldn’t tell ya what exactly was said lol)

How old is this younger brother supposed to be? The only info online I can find is the actor is 50 which im not sure I believe.

Okay there’s dickie he’s in the background!

These guys KNEW they were in a high risk situation and none of them have a vest anywhere near them? ARE WE DUMB?! IS IT OUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?

Okay, there’s the other kid.

Maureen and Kathleen giving side eye while sipping their drinks while the tea is being spilt is the highlight of this moment.

This is SOOO awkward for everyone else at the table jfc… ESPECIALLY Eli’s poor girlfriend.. like. Welcome to the family drama, don’t worry we never have to come back…

Why the fuck did jet not grab the other gun?!

Me: unfazed at Elliot body slamming a teenager.

Bell: *casually* “I’m shot”

Me: ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING IF WE FUCKING LOSE HER I WILL ACTUALLY RIOT.

(BUT ALSO MAY WE STEP BACK TO 8 LINES EARLIER WHERE I WAS YELLING ABOUT THEM NOT HAVING VESTS ON?!)

I knew this other captain was going to be coming more into play, but im pissed its cause bell’s out with a gunshot wound.

Christ.

Okay well, another week and OC is continuing it’s reign as superior of the three!

Some pics for context/hilarity

[n1ghthr1ver]

🍂An actual studyblr-like post?!🍂

---------------------------------------------------

With semi-vague descriptors on the assignments

🍂Monday:

I had BioAnth class in the morning and then Anthropology club in the afternoon. I spent the few hours in between getting a few readings done for film and Bioanth. Club day is Wednesday, so we will have a booth(which im not going to-not hating just busy) and then (Redacted City)'s Archaeology day is on Saturday which we have also have a booth at!! I AM going to that and it's gonna be sick.

🍂Tuesday:

-Bioanth class

spontaneous coffee on campus with someone from anth club

-Met with my Prof/Advisor about lab I missed the week before. She showed me the bones we are looking at in class, focusing on the clavicle, skull, spine, and longbones. They were all real, except the spine is a cast.

🍂Wednesday:

Did 5 Bioanthropology class Readings

-1 on general human anatomy

-1 on Osteology

-1 on Descent Modification, Coevolution, evolutionary topics, etc.

-1 on Phylogenetic Systematics

-1 to prep for a lab we did Thursday

(For reference, this is about a weeks worth of readings so..should I have been behind on readings? No, but I did them and now I'm caught up 💪)

🍂 Thursday:

-Had Bioanth lab in class

Went to the library to study

-Finished readings for the week for Film class(had 2 left, I think?)

-Did 4 discussion posts for foreign film class(we do 6 a week 😅 It's a no test/quiz class. Our grades are based only on discussions on the film)

- 1 response for Foreign Film class

- 2 Discussion posts for Bioanth class

-1 quiz for Bioanth

-Had therapy ✌️

🍂Today's Friday and I did nothing. It's been nice. I'll be tabling at Archaeology Day tomorrow at the museum and then have some film classwork due and a math test to prep for. Because as shown, no math has been done since last Sunday.

Thanks for reading! 📚🌿🍂🕯

[tunawithsoysauce]

Blog: 1!!!

Date: 04/11/24

Hiya to nobody in particular!!! Today I was originally gonna stay home from school becus i was sort of sick (not really but yk), but my friend messaged me saying she really wanted to see me and that she missed me so I went to school to see her!!!

It was only two lessons left when I got there. History and Arts. Two very fun subjects, I may add. I've been sick since thursday so, it was fun meeting the gang again!!! They were all so happy to see me. I love my friends.

I had a therapy appointment, too! It went well. I talked about how im two weeks clean (yay!) And some good coping mechanisms for this weekend. She laughed when I showed her what my friends wrote on my new converse. I thought that was nice.

The bus ride was long from the therapist office to school. I read "The house in the cerulean sea" (TJ klune) on the way there. That was also fun.

I got a monster from my friend (yayyyy!!) And in arts class i drew some silly sketches and painted some stars on my converse!

Then I went to eat!!! I had a file-o-fish and a milkshake. And another monster. The lemonade flavour. It was kind of yucky but whatever.

I met Otto, and he ate some weird shaker fries (I said they tasted weird and he said they didn't) then we headed off to TSS. (Free-time thingie.)

There i met Jack again. He's lovely. I drew on his shoes.

They're bootleg converse. Lol.

Anyways, I had fun. Then I drank another monster. (Ouch)

I took the bus home and drank some little cranberry stuff. It was nice.

Baii!!

[bluecardigan-13]

Today I was so #absent minded. Cooking for my husband’s #christmas party which now caused me to miss my virtual #therapy appointment. And I don’t miss appointments!

I have been feeling so #pathetic. Such a #loser. And that as a #mom and #wife I should be doing #more of everything.

I run my #youtube channel, #take care of my cats, #make sure that my kids get to their appointments, # do all the grocery shopping, #cook dinner, #make the grocery list and #dinner menu. I make #the appointments for my husband and the kids, and myself. And yes today - I could remember my oldest son’s appointment but couldn’t remember mine! And now it’s going to cost me $119!!!!!!! I don’t have that kind of money.

What is wrong with me?! I spent 6 hrs cooking my husband’s pot contribution. Which I don’t I don’t mind cause I love to #cook. But what is wrong with me?

I keep telling myself I need to contribute more. Since I’m fully #disabled, and can’t work. I used to be a successful insurance underwriter. I used to write about $50M in premium, but I can’t remember now my therapy appointment. Pathetic.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? Last night I got upset cause I went grocery shopping and was so disappointed that my husband didn’t like the dang yogurt I picked for him. How sad is that?

The other night I keep waking up at 2 am screaming that my dad who died in 2021 due to a massive heart attack is still alive - who used to tell me I wasn’t good enough - and that I wasn’t sick. I wake up and I start crying. And saying I’m sick. I promise I’m sick.

Yet no one believes me. It reminds me of @taylorswift’s song #antihero and the line

“It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero”

The funny thing is I NEVER look at myself in the mirror. No one would ever look at me, including me.

I need to do more and better. The upside this is what distracted me from my therapy.

Pot Stickers and Filipino Lumpia. Hey @taylorswift would you like to share some with me?

#cooking #taylor swift #therapy #therapy session #self care #self hate #anti hero #lumpia #pot stickers #im tired #chronic pain #fibromyalgia

[tuliplips]

I had my first therapy session today.. my therapist says I have to get out of the survival mode so I can get better.  that ive been running on empty for a really long time, trying to do everything with only 5% battery left. its so true. im exhausted. she says I need to get in sick leave or sth. idk how. I miss being alive

[dearies-diary]

today's goals, as a disabled person (so no shaming if i dont do all/any of them today... the "no shaming" is me @.me btw, i doubt anyone reading gives a fuck lol):

(edited now that today is over)

🧥 ● pick up my jacket from the mall ("ship to home" wasnt an option for this particular item 🥲) ❌️ (didn't happen, place takes 30 to 40 minutes to get there and i woke up ~30 minutes before they closed) (HOWEVER, i was prepared to go out today and proceeded to do my mom a favor and got her groceries for her. so i failed to get my jacket today, but i succeeded in the general Pick Up Purchase task) ✅️

🫧 ● attempt picking up new laundry detergent and stain remover ✅️ (got to do that in tandem with my mom's groceries! fuck yeah!!)

🧺 ● keep washing stains out (i have a really bad one in a couple items, i dont wanna hear it) ✅️ (it's increasingly coming out, hopefully ill be done soon)

🎨 ● finish rendering one of my project's walk-cycles ❌️ (did not do, dinner made me sick)

💻 ● update or ready a resume ❌️ (did not do, dinner made me sick)

yesterday's completed goals: (shut up, i need this celebrated)

🧺 ● began washing stains out ✅️

🛌 ● make bed ✅️

🎨 ● do half of one walk-cycle's rendering ✅️

🔍 ● search for places i want to work at ✅️

🧼 ● do either a 3/4s or full shower-day (aka: not just shampoo+conditioner, but also body-wash, shave, and other hygiene-care) ✅️ i did 90% of one!! i just missed one thing that i went "..actually, idgaf this time. i know i did pre-shower. but Actually Nah". so im docking -10% since i did wanna do it until i actually started showering. next time!

miscellaneous goals to remember next time:

☎️ ● set up physical therapy

⏰️ ● set up shower-clock

🧼 ● ask mama if i can dump some of the laundry room shelf stuff, bc it looks overwhelming and i dont think we use 80, 90% of it?? ✅️ (i asked! and she let me! it is much clearer now!)

🐈 ● cat litter (🤢) ✅️ (i did it today, yay!)

💊 ● set up my medications

🥱 ● set up sleep-therapy thing, since the amount i sleep and how wacky that schedule of sleep is has been concerning

[hikkimae]

So I'm writing this at about 2 am on a school night because I can't sleep at all I think I'm going crazy or at least my family thinks so almost all the teachers at my school knows about what's going on with me and I had therapy today and I just find it annoying I hate talking about my feelings and I don't really wanna feel better I've been like this for so long it's just kinda normal you know? It's like an addiction but not with drugs but with staying inside all day and being prescribed meds that's why this entre is called "hell is a teenage girl" it really is I got diagnosed with clinical depression in December I believe I don't even know much about what's going on with the meds and stuff and the meds are for me so you think I would know about them because their supposed to help me but the ones Ive been prescribed so far aren't helping sure maybe theres small differences but it's not very noticeable sure im trying more at school and my teacher knows everything because she had to meet with my mother about my chronic absence from school I miss a lot because of mental health and the fact I get sick a lot so that brings me back to today in therapy after school I had told my therapist I didn't want to come here anymore so she called my mom back and me and my mom just argued about me not wanting to get better I'm getting a full phycological evaluation on the 27th of March so about a month from now and she said if I don't do anything after that she admit me to a hospital it kinda reminds me of the book girl interrupted where their trapped in the ward except I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind like a maze which reminds me in reading the book for girl interrupted whenever I have fry time at school I wanna get the book the virgin suicides idk what it is about that genre of books/movies the sad girl trope is kinda comforting I guess it's because it's these young girls who struggle with mental health just like me so I guess I can find comfort in the fact I relate to these fictional people in truth I do want to get better but I don't have the Energy to do so on a lighter note I have a math test on Friday and a history text that starts today and ends next Wednesday I'm trying to at least get a good grade on the history test math is just annoying to me that's why I'm never going to get a job that involves math maybe I can get something to do with phycology or music Im starting piano lessons next Thursday and I might start doing song writing lessons to so I guess I have that going for me anyways it's late and I'm tired Mae chan signing off

[onkort]

12/27/24 (7:52p)

today was another feel it to heal it kind of day. i woke up and immediately got ready to go to kohl’s to make returns for christmas stuff. things that didn’t work, were too big / long (my LEDs for the tv :,( ).

i went to the mall after for some gift cards. i ended up crying on the way to the mall cause an olivia rodrigo song came on & i just got hit with WAVES of emotion. some negative. some positive. it wasn’t enough for me to have to pull over but i definitely let out a nice long cry.

i was supposed to go out with someone i adore today, but due to her being sick we planned to reschedule, for monday actually :3. i got her a gift card for bath & body due to the endless amounts of scents and every time i was with her shopping at the mall, we almost ALWAYS went there. i got her other half a gift card. i always appreciated our talks about food so i’m giving him a free lunch on me. it isn’t much but i appreciate them and everything they’ve done for me. so just something small to let them both know i’m still thinking of them from time to time.

since i was at the mall i ended up getting my necklace cleaned. i had nothing better to do after

from there i basically went home. i turned on the playstation for the first time in a while & i started playing epic mickey for a while. if i’m being honest while i was waiting for it to copy / download i was watching some videos stored on my history. i watched some clips from when i played stick fight with my old s.o, i actually got a good laugh & i was hit by the memory of us laughing together and playing. for the first time i looked back on my old relationship & i didn’t feel pain. and for the first time it sparked a sense of hope in me that one day ill be able to look at it and not feel upset but smile instead.

it made me miss my old s.o though. but we’re doing what’s best. part of me wants to check in from time to time or compliment him in a photo he may post but i know i shouldn’t. i don’t want to hurt him or remind him that im here. i know he knows. i just wish we could talk sometimes, but he needs time.

i also got into touch with an APN who i will be seeing for my mental health regarding my medication management. i’ll be seeing her in january. my therapy has been pretty good. lots of self reflecting. maybe not so much today since today was an

“in my feelings kinda day”

but thats okay. because im not running or distracting myself & im facing the feelings as they come. its hard but im proud of myself

i ended up at grandma’s to eat dinner & to open a gift from her. she actually got me some cute stuff! i’ll have to write about it tomorrow and what not.

always,

-b

[fuckkklyfe]

Sunday November 19, 2023

Today is one. YEAR.

You've missed out on so much. There are so many things I wanted to tell you about!

- firstly, my damn relationship. Lol. You two were friends, i would say. You always put in an effort to come spend time with us and to make a connection with Matthew. I know what happened between us also hurt you as well. I know it was shock coming from him. Teto, were. So. Fucking. Good. Now. Hahahha. Its so wild. Going through all THOSE emotions while dealing with loosing you. Fuck. But we made it through. And you would be so happy for us for where we are now.

-work has been wild. So many people getting fired. my environment actually impreoved because of it. Hahaha.

-im going back to school!!! "school"! Hahahahaha. I have something to achieve and im ready.

-the babes have been good! No one has been sick all year! Roscoe got hurt and came on vacation with us. He actually had alot of fun. He ran around everywhere.

-im spending way more time with family. Im trying to make sure family is everywhere. Same with Matthews family. I want us to be close. Loosing you taught me, work and isolation is not priority. Family and quality time are.

-I've been working on my self as well. You would be so proud of my progress with communication!!!! It's so damn good! Lololol

-my friendship with everyone has taken a weird turn. BUT through the wonders of therapy, lmao, ive been learning that friendships dont need constant communication or presence. If effort is coming from both parties. It doesnt matter where anyone is.

-ive learnt to protect my self more. Ive been learning to keep my peace protected.

-im trying to build a family. And i wish so much you were to watch it flourish.

I miss you every day. I think about you all the time. I love remembering our memories and telling people about them. I love you lots cousin. 💕🕊️

[borom1r]

I wlllld just like to hear whatever you want to talk abt regarding lizard! like a fun fact, an aspect of his design you're super passionate abt, stuff like that! as for lawyers: favourite miles moment so far & maybe (if yr feeling up to it) how you see phoenix & miles getting together!! (I'm abt to be high too in like an hour I have edibles bfjejehr I hope you're having fun!!! you can save this ask for later if you want also)

BESTIE i get. drinks from the local vape shop and theyre usually rlly good (the purple lemonade had a weird grassy flavor and i mean duh but it was REALLY noticeable but otherwise. gr8 luck) but the uh. the major problem is they dont have consistent stock EXCEPT the purple lemonade. so i uh. like last time was a super mellow chill high and today was. waaaaaaaaaaaayy more than i was banking on. fully zonked.

ANYWAYS. LIZARD. obvs hes a juggalo (miracles came on shuffle and im so. yea the world IS fuckin beautiful thank u violent j and shaggy 2 dope) uhhh fun facts! his face paint is actually that. face paint. you uh. think abt trying to use greasepaint on fur lol. he is also ACTIVELY DECAYING. for the most part hes holding up alright and nothing would really kill him. he's Undead. but he just. doesnt heal anymore.his eye is scarred bc he was missing it before he died but what his fur conceals is the fact that his arm is just. fully a fresh wound. 2 skin flaps stitched over what boils down to a mushy scab. he literally only stitched it up bc he was Sick of Bleeding everywhere. it's gross. hes gross.

aspect of his design im passionate abt— his CLOTHES!!!!! ofc for his design i used a base but the clothes were modified + ofc colored by me :3 his hoodie is based off this one + his shirt is Also a real shirt!! also ofc his facepaint. idk if i ever posted the mockup of it so here:

anyways like i think i said earlier he'd be more likely to rep Yum Yum Bedlam bc she represents punishment for corrupt desires and he was a lot lizard (which is the reason for his name— he chose it after he died and figured he needed sth a lil more... fitting for a an undead juggalo werewolf lmfao). but on the flip side, he'd be more likely to be judged by Fred Fury since while he was alive he would just roll with the punches and didn't ever really make a stand for himself or fight back. he was much better at laughing things off even if it wasnt sth he really.. should've.

+ NOW. LAWYER TIME~~

favorite Miles momentttttttt

HIS CONSTIPATED LIL SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHGH!!!!! BESTIE IM WRAPPING HIM UP IN A TOWEL LIKE AN UNRULY KITTEN AND TORMENTING HIM WITH AFFECTION. SUFFER. IM MAKING HIM TEA AND LETTING HIM INFODUMP ABT STEEL SAMURAI AND LAW SHIT.

yeeeeeaaaa im feeling up to or at least im on the edge of being super paranoid sooo im just gonna answer lolol. ANYWAYZ.

like weve been talking abt in dms at the start we r dealing with. Miles "so unused to expressing genuine emotion that if i say anything remotely affectionate i will experience all 5 stages of grief simultaneously + flee" Edgeworth and Phoenix "shockingly oblivious for being a defense attorney/investigator, also with the like. worst sense of humor" Wright. Phoenix would need it spelled out to him like like yr teaching a baby how to spell "cat." and alternatively you couldnt pry Miles' real feelings from his cold dead lips. feelings r messy and imperfect after all. it gets so bad Maya starts googling "how to introduce cats to each other" half-jokingly bc between Miles' need for emotional exposure therapy and Nick being. Nick. she's gonna HAVE to coordinate their meal times and slowly let them get used to spending time in the same space for them to ever get anywhere.

part of me is like. Maya HAS to help in some capacity n i think at bare minimum shes EXCELLENT council for Phoenix when he bolts upright at 3am one morning when it hits his unconscious mind like a ton of bricks that the reason hes been having shoujo anime intro ass dreams abt Miles for months is bc he MIGHT be gay. big of heart dumb of ass. YET. on the other hand. 3-Hour Steel Samurai Lore Deep Dive (she nd Miles would be BESTIES. she slow-blinks at him enough to develop a bond. they need to hang out more. HE PAYS HER BAIL!!!!!! mission critical that they drive Phoenix insane Together)

yet at the same time. n what i think is so sweet, is that it just. happens. frustrating 4 everyone that for like. a whole entire fuckin year u could find Phoenix bringing Edgeworth tea, sitting w/ their knees touch while they discuss notes, Phoenix playing w/ Miles' fingers or hair, Miles asleep on Phoenix's shoulder after a long day— and if anyone asks if they’re dating they’ll get a very cheerful "nope haha ^_^" from Phoenix and maybe just a little huff from Miles so LIKE. Phoenix slowly and gently dismantles Miles' walls and could be sitting there holding his hand staring dreamily at him while Miles flips through a book w/ his free hand and inside Phoenix' head is just MACINTOSH PLUS - リサフランク420 / 現代のコンピュー 10 Hour Loop until again, bolt upright in bed sweating bullets speed dialing Maya's number to as her if she thinks hes gay.

so by the time they label anything Miles already has a toothbrush in Phoenix's apartment and has FORCED him to at LEAST buy a 2+1 shampoo/conditioner with a Separate body wash. please Phoenix he is BEGGING. and then they're dating. and Miles realizes the thing Phoenix has been saying when he does things like. buy a bathroom organizer and everything he needs for his Exact skincare routine as a surprise for when Miles spends the night next time is "i love you" and that he must've loved Miles for a very, very long time even if they are both Oh So Dense (extremely affectionate)