#im sick so I missed therapy today

[tr4sh-hive-3]

i need HELP pLEASE (& thank you)

fuck fuck fuck fuCK fUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

i need help.

I am simply in shambles.

hi! my name’s pan, I’m 13, and I’m failing all my classes. Fuck! I’m so lonely. Everyone’s disappointed in me. I can’t do anything. I can’t do anything. Please help me.

I want to do something. I need to do something, anything. I can write. I can go full fucking Hamilton on this bitch. Like tomorrow won’t arrive, like I’m running out of time, like it’s going out of style, all that jazz. that’s my only skill, but fuck it’s pretty goddamn useful. I can do five (5) things; read, write, think, talk, and love. last one probably wouldn’t be super useful for college.

okay, I think I’ve calmed down a bit. hear me out. I will post something on tumblr everyday. everyday. cause if I can’t do something regularly that actually takes consistent memory and planning and commitment and all that fucking jazz I’m gonna start having suicidal daydreams again. even if it’s a stupid shitpost, I need————fucking something. This post has been in my drafts for, probably, some amount of weeks. I didn’t even finish that last sentence, “I need-“. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Yeah, writing is not useful. Theoretically, it should be, right? I should be seducing teachers and colleges and all sorts of academics with essays, but I’m not. I’m not even that good at writing. Mama says I am but she’s fucking lying. She also says I’m beautiful and smart and hardworking. The only reason I don’t have suicidal fantasies is cause of my mama. I love my mama very much. But she’s a fucking liar.

I can’t write. (4).

The only thing I read is fanfiction. I’m just gonna be honest ‘bout that. I’ve read the first 5 chapters of Divergent and Jesus fucking Christ it’s boring as fuck. Hold on: reading test scores. I’m usually in the 99th percentile for reading comprehension/proficiency. And lemme tell you, every time I take one of those silly little tests, it does WONDERS for my ego. But I am unable to read regularly.

I can’t read. (3).

Pretty sure I have severe social anxiety. I’ve always thought I would be able to talk to and entertain and charm people easily. Because I can talk to myself. I’m always talking to myself in made-up scenarios. And I’m always charming and entertaining. It’s so annoying when I’m trying to socialize with actual humans and I keep stuttering and going quiet and covering my face in embarrassment. And at first I thought it wasn’t that bad. That I could make those annoying-ass mannerisms kinda cute, right? And I could lean into it and make “cute’n’shy” the selling point of my personality. I know that sounds super cringey. This whole post sounds super cringey. And my last post too. I’m so scared that everyone else thinks I’m cringey and annoying and obnoxious and too loud or too quiet and not worth talking to. Anyway, that selling point does not work. It just gives me more anxiety. And fuck if I know the impression it makes on anyone else.

I can’t talk (to other people). (2).

I think I might be cupioromantic. I’ve read about romance. I’ve heard it described as butterflies and ecstasy pills. Romantic, sexual attractions are supposed to be strong feelings. Or at least enjoyable ones. And heartbreak is supposed to feel physically painful. I’ve never felt any of those. I thought I was touch-starved, but there’s this guy that I don’t particularly like who says he has a crush on me and we cuddle at the bus stop and sure the cuddles are fine and I don’t mind his company but I am not attracted to him at all. For some reason, I thought cuddling with a tolerable person would be super nice? But it’s not. So now I’m kinda just doing it so he doesn’t feel rejected. Not that I’m leading him on! I’ve been very clear that I am very much not attracted to him. I guess we’re friends. He refers to me as his crush. I don’t like that. This love rant has gotten kind of off topic. Back on track; I keep having these fantasies with a nameless person in which I hold their hand, kiss their forehead, make them pancakes, sing them love songs, write them love letters, give them little romantic gifts, pet their hair till they fall asleep, etc. I’ve never actually felt that way about a real person. I might not ever feel that way about a real person. All this romance stuff is really confusing and annoying. I’ll just stick to platonic relationships for now. But I don’t have any friends. I really hope everyone’s indifferent towards me. It’s so much easier to be unknown than it is to be disliked. I’m not sure which one I am.

I can’t love. (1).

My grandfather patented a medical imaging thingamajig. He was pretty smart. He’s dead now. I’m actually typing this from one of his three phones that I inherited cause my old one got stolen. I always liked the bastard. My dad yelled at him a lot but he didn’t give a shit. He never got upset or offended or quiet or loud back when my dad was an ass to him. Maybe he wasn’t the best parent. His kids (my dad and tia) turned out to be some nasty pieces of work. Actually, just my dad. Tia’s fine—just kinda loopy and alcoholic. She’s really nice. Her husband’s an ass, though. And her son. I can’t really blame the son. His parents are a little subpar. I got off topic again. Sorry. It’s kinda late and I’ve been dreadfully sick these last few days. You’ve got an attention span of steel if you’ve made it this far. Sorry again, back on track:

Following the pattern of this text post, I am now going to prove my state of <no thoughts head empty>.

I overthink things. A lot. I think there’s something wrong with me. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe my thoughts are completely normal. Maybe this is what it’s like inside everyone’s head. But if I’m the same as everyone else, why is it that the average “everyone else” can function as a human being? I can’t function. I can barely brush my teeth everyday. Let alone exist bearably in a school setting. Grades are the only things that matter right now. And mine are shit. So I don’t matter. I can’t even force myself to try. All of it is so fucking boring. AND I’M OFF TOPIC. AGAIN. FUCKING CHRIST. MY GRADES? SHIT. GRADES DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS. INTELLIGENCE AND MANAGEMENT SKILLS DIRECTLY CORRELATE TO? THINKING. ABILITY TO THINK. ABILITY TO BRAIN PROPERLY. BRAINING. BRAINING WELL. ZAPPING THE FUCKING BRAIN CELLS IN PROPER FUCKING ORDER. ALL THE BRAIN CELLS. FUCKING. BRAIN CELL ORGY. HOTEL? MOTHERFUCKING TRIVAGO.

Think? I cannot. Can’t think. I cannot think. (0).

Okay! That’s all five! I have zero (0) skills! Yay! Shit! I have provided evidence and reasoning. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve finally gotten to the end of this godforsaken text post. This bitch has been in the drafts for weeks. What was even the point of this? Is this what is feels like to finish something? To accomplish a task?

If you’re actually reading this, congratulations. You’re ready to kill god. If you haven’t already. You have the focus of a goddamn hawk.

I. Am. Going. To. Stop. Rambling

I. Am. Going. To. Post. Everyday.

(insert clever sign-off here)

[real-life-cloud]

im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[macybay947]

why do i alienate my friends when im depressed just to be depressed that we're not talking? the World May Never Know

[publicuniversalenemy]

everything is perfect and everything is horrible

[http-bee]

not sure what comes next

[yippie-madness]

can my mum please stop being an asshole for one second.

idk what anyone did but shes so pissed off all the time at everyone for everything and she won't stop fucking complaining. shes having some kind o mid life crisis and going through menopause and shes like a stupid teenager from a movie with the whole mood swing thing. we know your going through menopause but your 50, fucking handle it. its all the time thats she does this. when i showed her what i did in biology she found a way to complain and make it about her self. im sorry you had to live in Trinidad, the place you choose to live in. wow it must of been sooo hard for you being the only white person their. wow you got called whitey twice in the like year you lived their. horrific. im sorry dad had a job and was away making money so you could fucking live. shes so fucking lazy too all if a sudden and selfish. all she dies is go for stupid fucking hikes and she need to get it out her system or whatever but can you please please please take care of the house a little? i haven't had a proper meal in weeks. maybe over a month now. we have take away or ready meals every day because she never cooks. their was some kind of fungus(?) growing in the sink and the fridge smells of rotting food and no one is doing anything. she is so ungrateful complaining and complaining and taking everything out on everyone else. and shes so petty. made a pie today instead of real food and then refused to cut dad a slice because he won't buy her a new car for her. buy your own fucking car. your 50, not 15. me and my dad are having to manage all of my medical stuff because she just gets angry if you ask her to do ANYTHING. i have like 3 days left of my med that i need to take daily, i cannot miss a day, and she only just got the refill to the pharmacy. my dad had to fix the main issue with it because she refused to call the hospital and she just keeps lying and dramatising everything. i don't know what her problem is. shes so incapable of doing things, the only way she has gotten this far is because other people just pander to her. she never had to think as a kid in her big fucking house and her posh primary school. she doesn't know how to make a single decision and she is so fucking mean to me. she doesn't mean it but please please stop making me feel bad for being so sick. i cant go in hikes with you im sorry i want to im sorry im so fucking tired. ive been asking for months now and because she refuses to take shit seriously or do anything for anyone else beyond sticking a packet in the microwave. and even then my dad did it for her because apparently shes incapable of making a doctors appointment. all i asked for was one appointment with my gp. but no. i don't even get that. i think therapy is pretty bullshity, over prescribed, and pseudoscience but i just wish she went to therapy so someone anyone could call her an asshole with all the polite padding. but she never would because she wont take criticism. you can't be in control of everything if you want do shit.

i probably sound like a spoilt brat.

[your-queer-dad]

Hi dad,

Today I had a panic attack.

I was overwhelmed, because my mom so sick, my migraines and dizziness and other stuff have been getting worse, algebra 2 is overwhelming sometimes, and I just feel drained because of it.

I didn’t lash out or anything, but I kinda just cried quietly and tried to eat dinner. I ate half of it, which was hard, but I threw the rest away.

I wanted to sh so bad, and the urges have been getting worse.

I’ve been finding new coping mechanisms, so that’s good, and they’ve been working.

I was able to lock myself in the bathroom and calm down, but I kinda just feel drained and somehow still anxious from it. I don’t know what to do. I have an awesome mom and older sister I can talk to, but it’s really hard to talk about stuff sometimes, and I really don’t want to bother anyone. I’m in therapy and on meds, but it’s just so hard sometimes, and everything just feels like to much sometimes. And I always feel like I’m faking it. Like my stimming is fakes. Like my interests are fake. Like my emotions are fake. Like my whole sense of self is fake. And like, I know it’s not true. I know I am autistic (diagnosed when I was 8), I know I’m passionate about infectious pathology, I know I feel stuff, I know I’m a guy, and that living as a girl was hell for me, but my emotions always feel fake and distant and numb, and I always doubt myself. I need to cry a lot, like breakdown and sob and scream, but I can’t, and it just feels so frustrating.

And I’ve just been having so many memories come up from my childhood, and it just makes me so sad.

I had a dream last night that I was shopping with my cousin (who helped me through a lot, and was my best friend during tough situations. I haven’t seen her in 5 years), and I just miss her so much. It made me so sad and happy at the same time, and I just wish I could see her again.

I miss my older brother (I haven’t seen him in 5 years either), and I just want to make sure he’s ok, and give him a hug.

I keep getting random memories of an old neighbor we used to live by, who was so seeet and kind. We trusted him a lot, and played in his backyard and porch area frequently. He always had those little popsicles that are in the plastic tube thingy, and he always gave me the blue ones cause he knew they were my favorite. And though we haven’t seen him in years (we moved a lot), I miss him, and hope he’s doing ok.

I always want to help out more, and feel like I’m not doing enough. I just want to be more useful and see people smile. I like being helpful, and it hurts when I can’t do something on my own.

I feel stupid and lazy all the time. I suck at math, and can’t focus. It’s just so hard to focus, and my brain has been fogging more often in the past few years, and I just want to do something right for once.

I don’t know how to tell my mom about this, but I know that I really need to, because I don’t want to relapse again, and I don’t want to scare anyone.

Do you have any advice?

Also, I hope this ask finds you well.

Please make sure to drink some water, eat something, shower/bathe, and get some rest

Thanks for reading this :)

Hey kiddo! That sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself bud. Im so proud of you for resisting the urge to self harm. I know personally how hard that is but I'm so proud of you. No matter how fake it feels, it isn't. It sounds to me like you're invalidating your own feelings there bud. However you're feeling is true. You aren't stupid or lazy, you have so much going on right now and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes. Life is crazy and loud and a whirlwind and calm and warm and painful- it's so many things, it's natural to be overwhelmed by it sometimes. I would really really recommend talking to someone if you feel like you're gonna self harm. It isn't a burden to them, they care about you as much as you care about them.

- dad x

[jacebeleren]

im soooo fucking mad i missed my ADHD medication evaluation appointment today because i have ADHD and i fucking forgot. i cant stop crying because i feel so stupid and im so angry. i literally requested today off work so i could have this appointment and i still fucking missed it. god fucking damn it. im so sick of how life-ruining ADHD has been for me. ive been stuck in several dead-end jobs because i barely graduated high school and i dropped out of college. ive wasted so much money paying for things and then forgetting about them or paying late fees for important things ive forgotten. i literally have a stack of several years of daily planners that ive never written in in my desk that my therapists / doctors kept telling me to buy instead of JUST GIVING ME THE FUCKING MEDICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant get anything done i cant remember anything i literally dont have object permanence like a newborn baby. i got diagnosed in 2021 and im only now getting around to having an evaluation for medication because ITS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO KEEP A CALENDAR AND REMEMBER APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and getting diagnosed was genuinely so embarrassing to me because of the tiktok quirkification of adult ADHD diagnosis. and while im glad i know now so i can at least try to get help i sometimes wish id never found out i have ADHD because thinking about how different my life couldve been if id gotten help sooner pisses me off so bad. and its not like im a person who didnt have access to get diagnosed until recently. ive been privileged enough to have really good healthcare my entire life and ive been in and out of therapy seeing therapists and psychiatrists since i was 10 years old and i got diagnosed autistic when i was 11. but no one ever fucking thought to have me evaluated for ADHD and i didnt know i could ask back then. they just looked at all my problems and said "youre clearly struggling but youre also too smart to need help. just do it." and then they watched me crash and burn instead of FUCKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have a lifelong history of having so many mental illnesses and disorders but literally none of them make me violently hate myself as much as my adult ADHD diagnosis does. im so sick and tired of this. can they find a fucking cure for this shit. quickly

[storiesofsvu]

Happy Thursday hoes, let’s get to it!

Todays pros: citytv thinks im in TO so I’m getting it started at six!

Cons: no subtitles.

Alright, OG up first.

Love this new detective that’s a fanboy of everyone, makes me miss rollins lol

Pls let it be a female perp. We love a good female perp.

Okay seriously, this very subtle shaky cam is fucking terrible and hurts my head.

The GROAN I let out at the sight of Samantha in her well fitted pants suit sitting there like a fucking badass pissed off look on her face. Ma’am. Please. (yes, she is the only reason I watch this show)

Okay, the pedo may be the only eye witness, but they still have blood on the murderers pants, don’t they? Would that not tie it together enough? Or is it because the eye witness was the one who lead them to him? God I hate the legal system.

I REALLY wish this show would show more of the arguing between Nolan and Sam, like these two do NOT see eye to eye or have the same opinions on basically anything. And while I know major fighting would be called unprofessional, we at least used to see the lawyers get into it, or bantering. There’s so many times that you can tell just by the look of her face that Sam’s pissed, that she doesn’t think highly of him or his decisions on cases, like she hates him. I wanna see that play out on screen LOL

SVU time!

Let’s see if this week is any better than the last ones

Liv back in therapy, we love to see it.

A crumb of EO? Will that keep the crazies at bay? (like, I don’t even ship it but fuck am I sick of it now, the baiting is hella annoying and terrible, make it happen or not, don’t keep leading the actual ship fans on…)

Uhhh… is there not some kind of patient dr confidentiality? Like this bitch could have just lost her job (esp with someone like mcgrath involved… wtf..)

ITS THIS KIND OF SHIT THAT MAKES ME FERAL. In previous episodes they’ve had situations where shrinks couldn’t testify when they were the ONE witness, and like the entire case went into the trash because of it based off this exact type of situation… where TF is the continuity??

Okay… so she’s a minor so I can see the loophole here, BUT the therapist should have told her parents….

I knew it wasn’t the math tutor…

Ok… so mcgrath threatens to kill the math tutor, but when they’re picking up the son across the street he goes rage on benson?? And the iab captain? Shouldn’t you be attempting to punch the kid or something? God I really hope this ep is his last…

“can you drop that to me?” good thing Bruno’s there cause fin would have ZERO ideas on how to do that…

“until the age of 25 the male brain is about as useful as an electrified meatball” jfc… that wins for best line of the night.

Where the fuck is Velasco? Like.. man deserves his paycheques too..

Okay, mcgrath’s wife needs to shut the fuck up, liv’s trying to help her daughter and she accuses liv of gunning for mcgrath’s job.. jfc..

I was expecting mcgrath to throw hands not pull out his fucking GUN jfc… and like.. that was infront of two cars, that’s gonna be on a dash cam somewhere…

This is one of those one case turns into 4 but there’s only 5 mins left of the episode… cmon…

“I guess I didn’t see it in myself…” THANK YOU I was just gonna bring up the whole half assed back plot of mcgrath being abusive… (which is on par for cops, and ironic that the woman playing his wife was the wife of a cop who abused/raped her in 1.o)

This very much seems like a good bye. Pls let it be a good bye. Petition to bring back Garland!

Okay… im confused, I looked at my phone for 5 seconds and lost track of what was happening. Is the iab captain joining svu, cause that doesn’t work…theyre both captains. Or is she saying she’ll be filling in for mcgrath in the meantime??

Onto OC!

Okay, I am incredibly thankful for carisi on oc, but he’s the *sex crimes* ada.. not the only Manhattan ada, he wouldn’t be prosecuting this case… lol

Me: “wait I thought he was an officer.”

Reyes: “detective?” *side eye*

Me: ah yes, okay he was promoted the writers didn’t forget between weeks.

God this entitled pos teenager… wtf… its not *your* house bitch.

Ah, thank god, here’s the arguing that was missing in OG, not surprised its Elliot. Lol.

Oh god..the bratty teen overheard that didn’t she? Fuck..

God… this girl is gonna blow the entire thing, isn’t she? Like, in todays day and age with all the social media and how teenagers (and some adults) don’t know how to go without it, there’s no way they’d cut contact with everyone and delete socials and keep things quiet.

Aaaaaannd here we go. 5 seconds in and she’s blown their new location. (also WHY would the cops even tell them the location? That seems like something they wouldn’t do until they were halfway there…)

Okay… we’re missing a daughter.. I don’t know if this is supposed to be Maureen or elizabeth but I’m assuming liz as it looks like her kids are twins and she was the twin… Also where’s dickie? (I know the brother said something about someone not being able to get a flight? Im just deaf and without subtitles I couldn’t tell ya what exactly was said lol)

How old is this younger brother supposed to be? The only info online I can find is the actor is 50 which im not sure I believe.

Okay there’s dickie he’s in the background!

These guys KNEW they were in a high risk situation and none of them have a vest anywhere near them? ARE WE DUMB?! IS IT OUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB?

Okay, there’s the other kid.

Maureen and Kathleen giving side eye while sipping their drinks while the tea is being spilt is the highlight of this moment.

This is SOOO awkward for everyone else at the table jfc… ESPECIALLY Eli’s poor girlfriend.. like. Welcome to the family drama, don’t worry we never have to come back…

Why the fuck did jet not grab the other gun?!

Me: unfazed at Elliot body slamming a teenager.

Bell: *casually* “I’m shot”

Me: ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL RIGHT NOW

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING IF WE FUCKING LOSE HER I WILL ACTUALLY RIOT.

(BUT ALSO MAY WE STEP BACK TO 8 LINES EARLIER WHERE I WAS YELLING ABOUT THEM NOT HAVING VESTS ON?!)

I knew this other captain was going to be coming more into play, but im pissed its cause bell’s out with a gunshot wound.

Christ.

Okay well, another week and OC is continuing it’s reign as superior of the three!

Some pics for context/hilarity

[n1ghthr1ver]

🍂An actual studyblr-like post?!🍂

---------------------------------------------------

With semi-vague descriptors on the assignments

🍂Monday:

I had BioAnth class in the morning and then Anthropology club in the afternoon. I spent the few hours in between getting a few readings done for film and Bioanth. Club day is Wednesday, so we will have a booth(which im not going to-not hating just busy) and then (Redacted City)'s Archaeology day is on Saturday which we have also have a booth at!! I AM going to that and it's gonna be sick.

🍂Tuesday:

-Bioanth class

spontaneous coffee on campus with someone from anth club

-Met with my Prof/Advisor about lab I missed the week before. She showed me the bones we are looking at in class, focusing on the clavicle, skull, spine, and longbones. They were all real, except the spine is a cast.

🍂Wednesday:

Did 5 Bioanthropology class Readings

-1 on general human anatomy

-1 on Osteology

-1 on Descent Modification, Coevolution, evolutionary topics, etc.

-1 on Phylogenetic Systematics

-1 to prep for a lab we did Thursday

(For reference, this is about a weeks worth of readings so..should I have been behind on readings? No, but I did them and now I'm caught up 💪)

🍂 Thursday:

-Had Bioanth lab in class

Went to the library to study

-Finished readings for the week for Film class(had 2 left, I think?)

-Did 4 discussion posts for foreign film class(we do 6 a week 😅 It's a no test/quiz class. Our grades are based only on discussions on the film)

- 1 response for Foreign Film class

- 2 Discussion posts for Bioanth class

-1 quiz for Bioanth

-Had therapy ✌️

🍂Today's Friday and I did nothing. It's been nice. I'll be tabling at Archaeology Day tomorrow at the museum and then have some film classwork due and a math test to prep for. Because as shown, no math has been done since last Sunday.

Thanks for reading! 📚🌿🍂🕯

[tunawithsoysauce]

Blog: 1!!!

Date: 04/11/24

Hiya to nobody in particular!!! Today I was originally gonna stay home from school becus i was sort of sick (not really but yk), but my friend messaged me saying she really wanted to see me and that she missed me so I went to school to see her!!!

It was only two lessons left when I got there. History and Arts. Two very fun subjects, I may add. I've been sick since thursday so, it was fun meeting the gang again!!! They were all so happy to see me. I love my friends.

I had a therapy appointment, too! It went well. I talked about how im two weeks clean (yay!) And some good coping mechanisms for this weekend. She laughed when I showed her what my friends wrote on my new converse. I thought that was nice.

The bus ride was long from the therapist office to school. I read "The house in the cerulean sea" (TJ klune) on the way there. That was also fun.

I got a monster from my friend (yayyyy!!) And in arts class i drew some silly sketches and painted some stars on my converse!

Then I went to eat!!! I had a file-o-fish and a milkshake. And another monster. The lemonade flavour. It was kind of yucky but whatever.

I met Otto, and he ate some weird shaker fries (I said they tasted weird and he said they didn't) then we headed off to TSS. (Free-time thingie.)

There i met Jack again. He's lovely. I drew on his shoes.

They're bootleg converse. Lol.

Anyways, I had fun. Then I drank another monster. (Ouch)

I took the bus home and drank some little cranberry stuff. It was nice.

Baii!!

[pr0an4]

to get to know me,

i developed ed (bulimic anorexia, more of anorexia) in 2019, when my weight was 56kg and my height 174cm (the height is the same now, i stopped growing when i started to starve myself). I did instagram pro ana profile where i had my society in 2020. My weight was going up and down, between 2019 and 2022 it could be 62kg, but it also could be 45kg.

2022, 1st of January, around 49kg, my parents found out about everything - first was neurological treatment, then psychward, then private ed treatment, after which i relapsed and went to psychward again (all in poland, im polish).

2022, August, around 57kg, i got out of psychward and was all time controlled by my parents, they would control how much i eat, how often i eat etc. There was no place for cheating, no place for starving or purging.

2022, November-December, around 60kg, got really bad antideprestants and other "mental health meds" that werent ok for me so my weight got up to 73kg. (Still controlled by parents)

2023, april, around 69kg, i said i dont want meds or therapy anymore, i said i love myself and im all good now, i said that its definitely end of my recovery journey. I lied to everyone. I stopped going to therapy and psychodietitian and taking meds, but my parents were still controlling me. Somehow i managed to lost weight and at the end of summer 2023 i was around 60kg. Everyone was thiking im doing so well.

2023, august-december, I was really depressend about everything and wanted to kill myself more tyan ever so i started to drink and do drugs and whatever not to remember. I was missing my 45kg body, i loved it. I dont really remember much from 2023aug-dec., I know it was a crazy fucked up alcoholic season, I would go to school drunk or high, but my parents never found out about it.

2024, January to now, march.

January was bad, still depressed and started to cut myself again, I would starve for fun, lose 2-3kg, gain it back and starve again, just to feel something. I was really sick all february so I mostly spent it in home. Today, march 19th im sick again, still at home. My body is so sick after the august2023-January2024 period of time.

What I wrote here seems to be so long, but in reality its just a few things that happened so you can understand better what im doing here. The worst time was in 2019-2022 but i cant really even think of it, i always start crying and just generally fuckaround because i miss my sick times and sick body when parents didnt know, anyone didnt know. Sometimes when i think about i think that this period of time gave me a kind of trauma or ptsd. I almost lost my life. Fun time.

If anyone would want to, i can text here about the 2019-2022

Im here on tumblr to start again. To be 45kg again, to be less than 45kg. I dont have my IG pro ana society, I dont have my sick body but i can grow there.

Im not going to fuck around and do some kpop diets or mymelody stuff, im going to do it in old and my favorite way, to just starve. Tbh if you just skip breakfast and dont eat sweets - its fucking around to get attention, the same thing with all the kpop diets or fasting. Just starve yourself, do it until you cant breathe because of the little amount of power for living.

Health isnt really as important as your weight. I did so much things to my body and im still alive.

If someone even read this to this point please give me a sign!

Later im going to post more here.

[bluecardigan-13]

Today I was so #absent minded. Cooking for my husband’s #christmas party which now caused me to miss my virtual #therapy appointment. And I don’t miss appointments!

I have been feeling so #pathetic. Such a #loser. And that as a #mom and #wife I should be doing #more of everything.

I run my #youtube channel, #take care of my cats, #make sure that my kids get to their appointments, # do all the grocery shopping, #cook dinner, #make the grocery list and #dinner menu. I make #the appointments for my husband and the kids, and myself. And yes today - I could remember my oldest son’s appointment but couldn’t remember mine! And now it’s going to cost me $119!!!!!!! I don’t have that kind of money.

What is wrong with me?! I spent 6 hrs cooking my husband’s pot contribution. Which I don’t I don’t mind cause I love to #cook. But what is wrong with me?

I keep telling myself I need to contribute more. Since I’m fully #disabled, and can’t work. I used to be a successful insurance underwriter. I used to write about $50M in premium, but I can’t remember now my therapy appointment. Pathetic.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? Last night I got upset cause I went grocery shopping and was so disappointed that my husband didn’t like the dang yogurt I picked for him. How sad is that?

The other night I keep waking up at 2 am screaming that my dad who died in 2021 due to a massive heart attack is still alive - who used to tell me I wasn’t good enough - and that I wasn’t sick. I wake up and I start crying. And saying I’m sick. I promise I’m sick.

Yet no one believes me. It reminds me of @taylorswift’s song #antihero and the line

“It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero”

The funny thing is I NEVER look at myself in the mirror. No one would ever look at me, including me.

I need to do more and better. The upside this is what distracted me from my therapy.

Pot Stickers and Filipino Lumpia. Hey @taylorswift would you like to share some with me?

#cooking #taylor swift #therapy #therapy session #self care #self hate #anti hero #lumpia #pot stickers #im tired #chronic pain #fibromyalgia

[tuliplips]

I had my first therapy session today.. my therapist says I have to get out of the survival mode so I can get better.  that ive been running on empty for a really long time, trying to do everything with only 5% battery left. its so true. im exhausted. she says I need to get in sick leave or sth. idk how. I miss being alive

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[fuckkklyfe]

Sunday November 19, 2023

Today is one. YEAR.

You've missed out on so much. There are so many things I wanted to tell you about!

- firstly, my damn relationship. Lol. You two were friends, i would say. You always put in an effort to come spend time with us and to make a connection with Matthew. I know what happened between us also hurt you as well. I know it was shock coming from him. Teto, were. So. Fucking. Good. Now. Hahahha. Its so wild. Going through all THOSE emotions while dealing with loosing you. Fuck. But we made it through. And you would be so happy for us for where we are now.

-work has been wild. So many people getting fired. my environment actually impreoved because of it. Hahaha.

-im going back to school!!! "school"! Hahahahaha. I have something to achieve and im ready.

-the babes have been good! No one has been sick all year! Roscoe got hurt and came on vacation with us. He actually had alot of fun. He ran around everywhere.

-im spending way more time with family. Im trying to make sure family is everywhere. Same with Matthews family. I want us to be close. Loosing you taught me, work and isolation is not priority. Family and quality time are.

-I've been working on my self as well. You would be so proud of my progress with communication!!!! It's so damn good! Lololol

-my friendship with everyone has taken a weird turn. BUT through the wonders of therapy, lmao, ive been learning that friendships dont need constant communication or presence. If effort is coming from both parties. It doesnt matter where anyone is.

-ive learnt to protect my self more. Ive been learning to keep my peace protected.

-im trying to build a family. And i wish so much you were to watch it flourish.

I miss you every day. I think about you all the time. I love remembering our memories and telling people about them. I love you lots cousin. 💕🕊️