tunawithsoysauce

[tunawithsoysauce]

GOD I FUCKING HATE MYSELF SO GOD DAMN MUCH.

Get this; MY THIGHS ARE FUCKING FILLED WITH WOUNDS. I HATE MY MIND, I HATE MY THOUGHTS, I HATE MY BODY, I HATE MY FAMILY, I HATE HIDING, I HATE PEOPLE WHO TRY TO HELP ME. I DONT WANT HELP. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO JUST BE FORGOTTEN SO EVERYONE CAN STOP PRETENDING TO LOVE ME.

[tunawithsoysauce]

Relapse

[tunawithsoysauce]

Date: 21/4/24

IM BACK AGAIN!!!

Okay quick update becus im very much not in the mood to write.

My parents found out. About the harming. Thursday.

Long, and i mean very long, story short - its all okay now. They're now talking to my school and they're coming with me to therapy.

Three days clean so far. The urges are strong, but i haven't given in so far.

Hopefully i wont die before the end of this week.

Yippee!

Today I mostly bedrotted. But Otto convinced me to go to the movies with him.

We watched a movie about ww2. I cried. It was horribly sad, honestly.

It was fun hanging with him. He cheered me up. I even managed to clean my room.

The ss thoughts are still there tho. I think i'm gonna talk to someone about it.

I have to.

I think.

[tunawithsoysauce]

Day: 3???

17/4/24

Hiya!!!! Sorry i didnt write. Ive decided the most i'll pause the blog is three days. Also, shoutout to my sister that now reads this! Gonna be careful with what I put her now, haha. That's a joke. Er.

So! Hi. Been busy. With tests n stuff. Also kind of relapsed. 17 days and I throw it away. I c-t myself like an hour ago writing this too haha.

Well, I wont be pessimistic. I'll be fine. Its just a blip. I hope so, at least.

Enough about not-today-days. Here's my day today!!!

Woke up at six. Mentally prepared me for in total four hours of english exams. UGH. It sucked, but I did good. Anyways.

C-t myself in the morning. It was to prepare myself. I think. Yeah, it was.

I took the bus. I listened to some Weezer (Pinkerton, blue album, and green album!!!) And met Leija on my way from the bus station. She cheered me up so much. GOD I love her.

We settled in in the testroom thingie, and started. I got done super early (duh) and read Solitare (Alice oseman) for like 50 minutes. ITS SO GOOD. Ive read it at least eight times by now. But still. Epic. Book. (Sprolden AJSKSJDJ)

Me n Leija ate lunch. I actually ate (unlike any other day lmao) and it was fish burgers. Yuck. No im kidding. It actually tasted okay.

The rest of the break i just ran around with Leija. And Deim. I think I yelled so much my lungs would collapse. (Outside ofc)

And then the next test. It was super slow since we had to listen to some guy talking. BORING ASF. Anyways I fell asleep afterwards while the writing time was still going and Elsa woke me up.

I jumped around agressively and climbed a tree out of exitement. I scraped my knee falling from it :[

Anyways. We had homeroom (YUCK) and I was kind of riled up. Anxious. Whatever. My teacher looked at me and used his serious voice telling me to breathe. I rolled my eyes at him. But I was thankful.

Me and Leija just goofed off that lesson, lol. Not being annoying to anyone else ofc, just yk.

Then we had P.E. or well, I didn't. My wounds where fucking BOLTING and it hurt like HELL. I told my teacher. She looked at my wrist, looked at me, took me to another room and asked the standard stuff.

I answer truthfully.

(I downplayed it)

Anyways. She said a bunch of sentimental pitying stuff but then said:

"Nobody wants you to be gone."

And I resisted crying at that.

I spent the rest of the lesson watching Doctor who. Specifically any episode with Amy and River.

It was fun.

When It was over Leija asked if I wanted to walk around in the mall for a bit. Of course i said yes.

Deim came too.

Before we left i gave Sofia a hug.

She's practically my mum at this point.

Anyways. We sat in the mall for a while. We talked about pointless stuff. Leija gave me a cookie. I said I loved her. It was supposed to be a sort of joke.

She said it back.

Deim said they loved me too.

I hugged them and said it back.

Anyways. I went home. Bus. I took the pencil sharpener I stole from school and..

..figure out the rest.

Yep. I called my sister. I freaked out because I made it too deep. I got it to stop bleeding.

I don't have anymore urges right now, so ill be fine tonight.

Anyways. Orchestra tonight. Fun.

It'll be fun.

[tunawithsoysauce]

Hiya!

Date: 14/4/24

Today I did barely anything. I slept until twelve, ate lunch, skipped breakfast and then just packed a bag and took the nearest bus.

I drew some jelly fish with my pastels. A Lady walked past me. She smiled so lovingly. I felt a tinge of happiness at that.

I bought groceries for the fam. Then I climbed up onto a little roof thingie.

Two security guards told me to get down. I ran away from them :3

I went home and just layed in my bed and cried. Idk. I can barely see my floor. I really wanted to cut myself, somehow I managed not to.

Skipped dinner, too.

Now here I am in my disgusting room.

Wtf is wrong with me?

[tunawithsoysauce]

Date: 12/5/24

Hiya to nobody in particular! Today was kind of normal. I'm getting ahead of my self.

I woke up like six, and I drank tea. Chamomille. It was quite lovely, actually. It costed like 6€, which isn't that much. Anyways. I ate a sandwich for breakfast. My mum forced me. I didn't really want to. I wasn't really hungry. She sounded mad. I might have cried a bit because I got upset when I thought she was. She became nicer after that.

I took the bus (ofcourse) to school, and bought a monster. It tasted like mango. It wasn't amazing, and I got anxious becus of it. But it wasn’t that much, and I added the can to my collection. Anyways.

I had history first. It was fun, I think? I mostly just fiddled with Leija's hands and kicked my feet.

Then we had P.E. It sucked. I almost had a panic attack through half of it, and I left. I really hope my mum didn't get a notif about that.

I sat in the restroom and read "The graveyard book" (Neil gaiman). I only have a swedish copy. I don't remember who gave it to me. I think Anna did? She's a swedish teacher. And I wouldn't be despicable enough to buy a translated book.

It was nice, anyway. A character is called Jack. It made me think about my girlfriend. And Jack harkness. Mostly my gf, though.

I kept re-reading a chapter. I didn't get it into my head.

I don't think I payed much attention.

Then I had swedish. I mostly just watched Torchwood with Leija. I read some stuff for the project im doing. Writing about a country. I picked Finland. Leija said Mämmi looked like it tasted yucky. I pretended to be offended.

I wasn't really.

Then I ate lunch. Well, I didn't really. I tasted the weird school food, gagged, and then talked with my friends.

I had some spare time. Me and Leija sat in the empty corridor and yelled The smiths together. It was fun.

I had french, after. I think my teacher saw my cut scars. The ones I made, I mean.

I cheated off of my friend on the test thingie. She offered to help me, since I haven't been in class the last four french lessons.

My friend suggested we go hang out after school. I reminded her I had an extra hour music afterwards. She said she'd wait for me. I hugged her so hard she almost fell over.

We played piano. It was fun. My parents taught me the basics a year ago or so. I didn't complain.

I talked to my music teacher about music theory.

Leija had waited for me.

We stayed in the music block for a bit. As always.

Then we walked around a mall. I stole two monsters. I gave one to my friend. She said i was cool.

I don't even like energy drinks.

Then I took a buss home. I talked with Otto for a bit. He said he was dissapointed in me.

I said sorry.

I told my sister about it. She said I wasn't allowed.

I said sorry.

I dont think she believed me.

I promised I wouldn't steal anything more. She knows best. She’s my sister, after all.

Now im home.

[tunawithsoysauce]

Stuff you might wanna know :3

about ~me~

Name: Finn/Todd Henriksson

Age: 13 (2011)

Swedish, third generation Finnish

Weird

Transboy

Bisexual

👆 the main stuff. Scroll for a bit more detailed bullshit.

▪︎I LOVE MUSIC!!! I go to a music highschool, my parents are musicians and I love singing and playing french horn. Fun thing, right!?

▪︎I'M TRANS (wow!) I'm transmasc, and have been as long as I can remember (I came out at eight, I believe?) And my pronouns are he/him! I'm a boy. Only boy.

▪︎I USUALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING (wha) I don't know what im doing. Most of the time. Id like to believe im kind and try to be good, but you know. It is what it is.

▪︎HAIR DYE AND ROCKS! (lmao what) i love dying my hair. And rocks. Not cool rocks. Just... rocks.

▪︎ART!!!! (YIPPIE !) I love drawing and writing and stuff like that. Very fun. Its like the only thing I do haha

▪︎NERD!!! (OFc) I love fixating on stuff. Which leads me to our next segment...

▪︎Interests (online)

The main ones AREEEE: *drumroll*

1. Doctor who! (My sister used to love it. She showed me it all and now im as big a nerd as she is.)

2. Sherlock holmes! (Or Sherlock & co. Both. Mostly just the novels. The BBC show if you make me.)

3. Good omens! Or Neil gaiman in general! (He's very cool)

Eeeeh otherwise im very obsessed with loads of stuffs. Just. Ask me if ive seen something, ill probably have.

Family!

▪︎Mum & dad! (My mum's mean sometimes. Not all the time. She can be good. She’s just... she has a diffrent way of loving.) (Dad! He's amazing. I love him.)

▪︎ main siblings! (I have two fully bio siblings. Otto, and Ruben. Otto is 6 and Ruben is 14. Otto is silly, my big brother is amazing. He's my true rolemodel :))

▪︎ half siblings (I DONT ACTUALLY CALL THEM HALF SIBLINGS)

A) -Anna!! She's the one im closest to. She’s the youngest (26) and has a cat and a fiancee (Jim.) Jim's cool. Very silly. He's also sort of a role model, for me. He's been in my life for all of it, I think? My sister had a boyfriend before that. He was very quiet. Anna is very nice and I love having sleepovers with her. She was also the one who introduced me to Doctor who!! We always have so much fun. She really likes the beatles. Don't know why I put that there. She just really likes them. Felt important.

B) Malin!! My middle big sister. She’s awesome, and She’s got a whole family. A husband (He's amazing and so so so smart i literally think he's so cool) which i think is very rad, and my neice !!! He's called Einar. He's 3. He calls me "uncle Todd" (AJSKSJJDKD)

C) My biggest brother Mattias. He's quiet, but also very awesome. His girlfriend is very nice too. She has green hairdye in her hair. :3)

▪︎FRIENDS!!!

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!

This includes:

1. Leija! We met in the beginning of fourth grade. She’s weird like me. And awesome. I love her.

2. Elsa!!! She's been my best friend all my life. Our mums know eachother. She’s kind and beautiful and always makes me happy.

3. Elvira!!! My mandatory lesbian friend. That's a joke. She’s cool. And very nice. She never speaks ill of anyone. She’s truly the kindest human ever.

4. Sofie!!! A non-binary chaos machine. I love them. They're always a joy to be around.

5. Max!!! My absolute best friend. He's amazing even though we barely met even a year ago. I visit him frequently.

5. Jack!!! (Love interest? Kind of dating?)

Side characters (wtf)

▪︎My therapist!! She's called Emma. Uh.

▪︎My father figure!!! Otto. Not to be confused with my little brother.

▪︎ My Swedish teacher!! I just think she's awesome. She’s also called Anna. Not to be confused with my sister.

▪︎ All my finnish friends! Jesus christ if I named all of the finnish blokes ive befriended id die typing.

▪︎ this random dude I met on reddit i haven't talked to for two months :D

▪︎Sofia!! A lady at my school. She’s awesome. She’s practically my step mum. She’s held me while I cried in the nurses office more than I can think.

▪︎ uhm

Hobbies!!

Mondays: french horn B)

Tuesdays: dancing!! (With Elvira:))

Wednesdays: orchestra!! (French horn)

Thursdays: TSS!! (A place you can hang out at)

Fridays: bugging my music teacher and playing drums with my bassist friend until I get kicked out!

School

As previously mentioned i go to a music school. We have music everyday. Its awesome.

I love swedish, music, art, english, french, and history.

I hate P.E, math, science and homeroom.

Bye :33

[tunawithsoysauce]

Blog: 1!!!

Date: 04/11/24

Hiya to nobody in particular!!! Today I was originally gonna stay home from school becus i was sort of sick (not really but yk), but my friend messaged me saying she really wanted to see me and that she missed me so I went to school to see her!!!

It was only two lessons left when I got there. History and Arts. Two very fun subjects, I may add. I've been sick since thursday so, it was fun meeting the gang again!!! They were all so happy to see me. I love my friends.

I had a therapy appointment, too! It went well. I talked about how im two weeks clean (yay!) And some good coping mechanisms for this weekend. She laughed when I showed her what my friends wrote on my new converse. I thought that was nice.

The bus ride was long from the therapist office to school. I read "The house in the cerulean sea" (TJ klune) on the way there. That was also fun.

I got a monster from my friend (yayyyy!!) And in arts class i drew some silly sketches and painted some stars on my converse!

Then I went to eat!!! I had a file-o-fish and a milkshake. And another monster. The lemonade flavour. It was kind of yucky but whatever.

I met Otto, and he ate some weird shaker fries (I said they tasted weird and he said they didn't) then we headed off to TSS. (Free-time thingie.)

There i met Jack again. He's lovely. I drew on his shoes.

They're bootleg converse. Lol.

Anyways, I had fun. Then I drank another monster. (Ouch)

I took the bus home and drank some little cranberry stuff. It was nice.

Baii!!