#regretting and not regretting at the same time. i dont want to think
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skadoosh
#soy talks#had a meltdown. took a shower. cried in the shower. cried on the phone. went to work. ignored the potentially not subtle hints abt my#coworker liking to check up on ppl and making sure theyre doing ok...#stayed up the whole night#when alone i barely eat#took the 5:35am bus home#and now here i am. lying in the worn single ive slept in most my life#regretting and not regretting at the same time. i dont want to think#my knuckles have cold burns
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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"Listen, I love seeing you get into it after the whistle, too, man. Because you'll throw down—Like, you and [Steven] Stamkos went at it... you been going at it with a lot of different guys, but Evan Bouchard—" "I'm not tough! I'm not tough! No! I felt bad about that, man..." "I gotta ask about the chokehold, though! With Evan and he's like tapping out! Is he making any noises? Do you even know that he's in a compromised position? That maybe he can't breathe or whatever? What was going through your mind when this happened? And what was your reaction when you saw it afterwards?" "Yeah, I mean, listen some guys like to keep up the persona... I'm not the toughest guy in the league, I'll never claim to be that. I don't fight often. I haven't—I don't think I did last year at all, but I do believe in protecting yourself. You know, I saw Barkov get hit, and it was pretty dirty hit in my mind—in the moment, right?...before and after replay, and stuff like that. You understand the league made the right call, and what not... But, I see him, he's vulnerable, he's one of their better players, one of our better players on the ice, that was all it was, right? Just grab him and do something. You know, I felt bad about it, I apologised to him in the handshake line on the way out, right? It's all part of the game."
"What did he say? 'No problem'?" "'Go fuck yourself!'" "No, he said, 'All good, no issue.' I'm sure I'll get hit from behind next year or something so..." "'See, I got 45 points in playoffs...'" "Hey, but I'm with ya! I said it at the time! The Draisaitl hit on Barkov—Like, he knew what he was doing, he went straight through his head...I don't know..." "It's—No doubt, no doubt." "...In regular season he's probably getting suspended. You know, if that's the regular season..." "Yeah, and you know what? It all ended well, and Barkov was fine so... the league made the right call obviously, right?" "Yeah..." "Whatever...but when Max Domi—years ago...and he's kind-of like pressuring you, pressuring you, and you're like, 'What?' And you didn't get your guard up and he catches you with one...he catches you right in the jaw, you ate one! Were you thinking afterwards like, 'Man, I know I'm drawing a penalty here, but I gotta protect myself so I don't eat a fucking punch again like this, and set myself back with concussions'?" "Yeah, that obviously taught me a lot about protecting myself, for sure. For sure. You'd rather be the first one in there than the last one so...Yeah, it's not about dropping the gloves or anything, but getting your guard up and—definitely being the first guy to separate yourself, I think, is important. Yeah, I mean, that's all I'm gonna say about that."
The Cam & Strick Podcast | 7.30.24 (x)
hey diddle diddle the cat with the fiddle...
"im not tough im not tough noooooo i felt bad about that man 😣😣🫣" dear god our players are acting like theyre not war criminals...ekky notoriously not a fighter hes just here for a fun time its not his fault he manages to get involved in every single scrum and starts ragdolling bodies guys
#aaron ekblad#aleksander barkov#florida panthers#i cant believe we got ekky to talk about the sasha hit...oh my god OH MY GOD#ekky absolutely resolute in his own conclusion but then trying to be as neutral as possible when talking about the way the league handled i#babygirl has his job on the line#“it was a dirty hit” “he aimed straight through his head” “if it was regular season it wouldve been a suspension”#“but also the league made the right decision at the end of the day ig”#i felt that “whatever” in my soul i went oh yeah im sure ekky#i know its your job or whatever to not light this league on fire but i dont have the same qualms the league shouldve been harsher :)#your feet left the ground dont “im not someone who plays wanting to injure” me :)#that may be true at other points in time but in that fucking moment your intent was to injure#i thought id be over this by now but no im still very much not#im still gonna be fucking petty over this shit till the day i die you hear me#do you ever think about ekky essentially admitting he felt so antsy that it pushed him to do something he later regrets because he just fel#so powerless and wanted to regain an ounce of control back in a 1 for 1 nightmare scenario#he talks a lot with his hands so yeah it is certainly something to see him start to fiddle with them as he starts to remember the sasha hit#this is just a fascinating study on ekkys habits and mannerisms when he starts to feel restless#also whyd you have to whine out the “im not tough im not tough noooooo”#man haunted by his past sins but would do them again if it mean sasha would be okay by the end of it#or however that goes
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Jayce telling vi she won't make it on her own.... okay mr. projector...
#viktor just turned his body into the arcane and you dont even know!!! his leg is purple!!!!#im not going to excuse vi for saying the kid knew what he was getting into bc he didn't bc he is a kid (here we have ms. projector)#but telling jayce he has always been complicit of this he just didnt have to see it... yeah exactly.#and like she obviousky regrets the kid dying but it was jayces fault lmao why does he blow up on her??? the name calling got to him#jayce thinking omg he is going to off himself and viktor just trying to hide the evidence of his murder akdhsksj well yes he does want to...#i was wondering why the council was so Flabbergasted about the nation of zaun?? like they dont care and basically dont intervene#in the undercity bc they don't have any interest or profit in there. they don't gain anything at all from there.#so of course when silco asks jayce says sure fuck it. the only thing the council needs from zaun is the gemstone and its not even theirs#it's probably just fear of agression towards piltover as another nation and not something they can control or repress#silcos reaction to cait being wheeled in akdhaksj it sounds like he said 'what' he probably didnt know the girlfriend part... understandable#i forgor about her bringing the platter out... like ofc i didnt forget it but i didnt see it coming there. with bad memory you can be#surprised every time you watch the same show 👍🏻#i haven't cried because well the foruth time is a stretch now to cry but i still got chills at the end with the missile impacting....#and like whay would have happened if cait didn't free herself.... like ofc she would have bc everyone in that room could have killed her#not vi etc etc but she did just leave her so who knows really#anyways the monsters appearing in jinxs vision when vi mentions her past family is so poignant to her change.... they dont have the intended#reaction vi meant.... and silco is trying to shut her up for jinx's sake and look what happened to him. like vi really couldn't understand#her sister now and maybe back then either.... like not to be a silco apologist but it seems like he was the only one who could handle her#maybe im exaggerating but it would have gone wrong either way i think like no matger how much love there is in between them#idk man its so bad. like maybe this could have been avoided but it would have gone wrong in a different way for sure#and this couldn't have been avoided#talking tag#watching arcane#three weeks away still.... what now....
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scrolling back through my liveblogging of the day of the nyc concert because of recent notifications and its such a fun mixed bag of emotions to relive it all again
#helloooooo pineapple in my notes i do not mind the likes and reblogs <3#but it was such a crazy day that day of the show. so much happened#i also didn't remember that the day before the concert is when my bus got messed up and was taking me back to ny#and i had to get a car service home and everything#and then there was the concert the next day!#and what i had done was worked monday. took all of tuesday off for the concert. got like maybe 4 hour of sleep if that#and then went back to work wednesday. stupid#it worked out fine lol but i dont think id do it that way again idk#other remembrances of the day:#my biggest regret is getting all worked up abt my stupid letter that never got to them anyway like jeez. obviously i still enjoyed the show#but still. OH and i missed out on getting the latte pinback buttons#not the biggest deal but i did want those. i was just awkwardly standing around before the nyc show#and the merch line was always super long anyway#what else. oh i wish i could have met those of you that were there. but next time! im cooler now so next time.#the show itself was crazyyyy. again so fun and surreal#one of the tags on my original review was something along the lines of me having not been this excited since i was a kid#and it was really like that. like it really was that absolute pure overjoyed excitement that i haven't felt for a long time#i felt the same at the hollywood bowl. just having so much fun (missing it now lol 🥲)#cant remember if i mentioned this before but when i was standing outside the stage door i saw both spike lee and adam driver leave backstage#adam driver is Tall. i didnt even recognize him at first fdhgkgkg#anyway. some thoughts almost a year later wow!
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if an artist says their turnaround time is usually a week and that they should be done with your specific commission by the end of the week, then goes nearly three weeks without saying something, is it OK to ask them for an update on your commission? I'm a bit torn on whether I should wait a whole month
#as someone who takes comms myself if i were me i would have sent an update after being unable to finish it within my turnaround time#just to be like hey heres what ive got so far sorry that this isnt the turnaround time i said it would be in my comms listing#but also im NOT them so 🤷 idk. literally anything could have happened and maybe they cant even use their phone right now#i dont wanna send them an email (even the very politely worded one ive been drafting) bc i dont want to be rude like at all#but also this person didnt get back to me for over a month when i first reached out to commission them so#im starting to see that for the red flag it was#and not like. a sign that they just have so many commissions to do. because it doesnt take long to send an email that says#'sorry im a bit too busy with other comms right now to take yours/work on yours'#i wouldnt have been mad. i would have either waited to comm them or taken my business elsewhere#i also wanna be clear i dont mind long turnarund times ive waited literal months for a comm with no complaints#its just the fact that they promised to finished it (completely unprompted) and then havent... said ANYTHING for WEEKS that seems sus to me#its crossed my mind i may have been scammed since they havent shown me anything more than a sketch#edit: part of the im really regretting comming them is because ive already waited a month to even like finish the TAKING my comm process#since they randomly didnt email me back for weeks right as we were finalizing the details#like i waited a LONG time to even be like 'are you still taking my comm?' bc in my head i was like#'they must have other comms that they havent mentioned (totally valid btw) if i wait the queue will be clear'#and then... yea idk i just dont think that was the case if their turnaround time is actually a week#which is a really short turnaround time anyway imo theyre making it too hard on themself#(funnily enough i have the same turnaround time which is why i know it can be challenging to do it in a week but its also completely doable)#anyway back to the fact i probably got scammed. their 'sketch' though i didnt wamna say it looked VERY much like#they just traced my concept sketch#which 😰
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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here
#its like#im not not eating yk#ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri#and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out#i think its a combo of like#a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like#shit when you get home#b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk#c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes#i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me#d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that#e. i just forget food is a thing i need#idk im bad with food in general#hashtag autism thingss#but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this#(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill#regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels#like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows#probably overthinking. and oversharing#lol. lmao even#idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig#drinks are fucking incredible tho#and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get#imngonna. shut up jow#me.txt
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now that ive gone home from vacation, im starting to question why ive been studying so much
#i know its because i want to enter this university with free tuition. but why would i go to a university that expects me to study that much#its all memorization and theres so many to study like if it wasnt for the exam i know a million other things more productive that i could d#i could read books. i could learn a new skill. i could get exercise#except before my vacation ive been spending almost every waking hour studying#and it isnt hard for me. thats not why im questioning why im doing it#but its my break and i thought i would regret it more if i studied less#but after doing nothing but swimming and sleeping in a hammock and snorkeling and watching the trees i think ill regret studying so much#but at the same time im also so scared that i wont be able to pass the exam and that i dont have enough time to study#even if i used to do so around 7 hours a day#and i dont know what to do. i dont know whats the best course of action. but whatever ill just leave it for today im so tired
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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🗺🐐⭐️ for the motogp ask game
Thank u 4 de questions pookie
As I already answered all the questions I will give my second opinions on them >:)))
!!!!!!!! This post has very long tags b warned!!!!!!
🗺️ fav circuit (og answer Lusail+Philip Island)
I know it's 50/50 as to whether the race gets gapped and is boring but I do adore Aragon <33333 it held my fav 2020 rounds and ofc in 2022 Acosta won the M2 race there <3
🐐 GOAT rider (og answer; objectively Rossi but I think Stoner was a bit mental too)
Don't have a new answer but I want to say Jeremy Burgess [[a mechanic who worked w Wayne Gardner big man Doohan and ofc Rossi]] was a beast !!! I'm biased BC my dad absolutely adores him but I genuinely believe without him Rossi wouldn't have been as successful as he ended up being !
⭐ fav world champion (og answer; Mir)
My top fav riders are Mir n Acosta n they are both WDC's I could say loads about their titles but nothing actually worth reading so I shall talk about Mr F.Bag : F.Bag's title was so wonderful??? Breaking records and being the first non Japanese manufacturer rider to win a title in MotoGP for FIFTEEN (15!!!) Years????? Love to see it!!
Also not to sound like a loser on main but I do like listening to Omen by The Prodigy n think about everything Stoner+Pecco's titles !!
#i need everyone to know I dont think i actually needed to clarify who Jeremy Burgess is#i just wanted to make sure every knew !!#i aint tryna sound like *oh u wouldn't know them theyre super underground theyre called tame impala* dudes u know !#i do like shitty ?? whatever music genre the prodigy are music thank u!!#i also like listening to Omen n thinking about Mr Simoncelli and Bezzecchi! tho it always feels a bit mean to both those guys idk#it works with them u know *♪the writings on the walls♪ it won't go away ♪ its an omen♪*#and u have a guy everyone says would've made it as a champ had he not died#and a guy trying his damnest to be a wdc who has the same first name as other guy AND looks enough like him its a bit bizarre??? uncanny?#OH ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME on the topic of Simoncelli#saddest bit of Pedrosa lore is that part of the reason hes a lot less grudgy than the other aliens IS bc of Simoncelli#at the time of Simoncelli's death he and Pedrosa weren't on the best terms#Simoncelli had made an aggressive overtake on pedrosa and caused him to crash (dont rmr if pedrosa got injured in the crash but i think yes#and Simoncelli had apologised to pedrosa but Pedrosa never shook his hand and accepted the apology#ill never be able to forget the interview#where pedrosa talks about regretting never accepting the apology before Simoncelli died#and how obviously he'll now never be able to shake hands and accept it :((#tho im sure most here are already familiar with that story!#motogp
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i think ive finally hit that point where ive accepted that i need to Allow myself to enjoy genshin more casually otherwise it wont be long before i stop enjoying it altogether
#personal#its taken so long bc when i started the game i skipped through a lot of sidequests just to get the rewards/whatever they unlock#and later on i regretted it bc i was retroactively interested in lore and there was nothing left to do so wished id taken my time w those#and its rly that same reason i held off on doing a ton of content these past few months#telling myself i shouldnt do them until i had the time and attention span to rly absorb everything#but its rly time i let myself just go for it and enjoy what i Want to enjoy and not dwell too much on what i need to skip to achieve that#not just bc i dont think i'll ever go back to being as hyperfixated on genshin as ive been before (and therefore wont regret it)#but also because i dont really... want to#im at a slowly turning point in my life where i want to do other things with it too#and if i want to make room for those other things#i have to accept that i'll never again be one of those players who take the time to fully consume 100% of the content this game puts out#and thats Good#and i wish id realized sooner skgkslg#i rly have a bad tendency to put arbitrary restrictions on myself and forget why i put them there in the first place#like i played sm of totk with a 'no teleporting' rule bc i wanted to rly gove myself an excuse to explore#and it wasnt until recently that i realized id gotten to a point where it was taking away from my enjoyment more than adding to it#and so that it was ok to just discard that rule atp#i need to try being more conscious of that in general bc im realizing its hindering me in weird places irl too
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#my posts#you know how this usually goes#i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao#... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better#maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more#2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao#. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao#like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general#what i do isnt good enough#what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently#or at least not this bad#but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao#also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me#but like.. more than usual#and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem#idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse#or they i will regret lmao#i. wont do any of those#also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die#not against it but its not the only option#just lay there and float..... also not against it#i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is#like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao#... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired#.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao#like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah#its kinda worse than i thought lmao
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any postgrad tips?
i am an undergrad w no qualifiactions x ♡
#i do postgrad research so i can conjecture some tips from what ive experienced and seen:#make connections as much as you can go to conferences whenever possible#listen to ur supervisors and try ur hardest to stay on good terms w them it makes life a lot harder otherwise#befriend other postgrads ! ik its hard but it can be a lonely time and its good to share the chaos sometimes#i think most postgrads start to feel irreparably behind at some point but remember that everyone is sort of in#the same boat. while working on ur own projects/reaearch do not neglect reading around ur discipline even if not 100% related to ur research#its ok to change your mind abt what you want to. there is no paper that you will write that#ruins or resolves your career. dont forget to do things that allow you to fall in love#w your discipline of choice over and over again#get in contact w the top ppl in what ur doing never ever think they will be too busy for you#regret is worse than failure#etc etc
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why do women's lemon scented hygiene products smell different from men's lemon scented hygiene products?
#i needed a new deodorant. in the supermarket i usually go they have only like 3 options so i get one of those#today i went to a different supermarket and it had so many options and i was looking at them for maybe 10 minutes#and like theyre so expensive. what do you mean 120€/lt??#anyway i bought a men's deodorant that is lemon scented bc i like lemon scented things and it also said it was for sports and it was on#the cheaper side (only about 50€/lt which still sounds like too much but whatever)#anyway after i got home i opened it to see how it smells and it smells like men's cologne 😖#and okay ngl it kinda gives me some gender euphoria but at the same time i dont want people to think i smell like men's cologne#i should have just bought a neutral scent like i always do or maybe a flower one#see this is why i dont like having too many options. i panic and buy something i regret#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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I hope my brother can arrange something so he can bear me part of the journey home after this week is all over and done because I am starting to suspect I will not be a safe driver and it could pose an unacceptably high risk that I'll semi-accidentally drive off the road.
#when will this pain end#i hope to discuss it and hopefully minimise the fallout and at least we won't see each other for a week or two. hopefully by then he might#at least be not avoiding me :/#ridiculous and foolish to care so much about any single thing or any single person#i was already nearing the end of my tether socially for this week in any case#and is that a surprise? ive barely eaten and barely slept during this time#i want to talk to his mother who suffered almost identically the same thing at the same age but i dont know if i can bear it or not#i just want to clear this up with him somehow#and now - finally - ten hours after i was first told this - the tears are coming but they cannot#if they do i dont think they will stop#i just need to get through today and then i can break down#maybe i wont help with packing up tomorrow i might not be up for it i dont know#this week has been such a mix of so so good and so terrible#the talks have been really good and all#and i do not regret spending time with him#altho one problem was one time he apparently would have liked me to go away and didn't say but oh! i would have preferred if he had#i feel terrible for not realising that i should've gone away at that point bc it should have been obvious#except it's not to an idiot like me :/
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i dont know if i made a mistake but i’m so stressed out right now damn it
#there’s the most beautiful sounding queer early 1900s love story set in the countryside filming in early august and they’re looking for a co#stumer with the costume design being done already and i just asked about it because i’ve just been so interested in that project from afar s#ince i heard the pitch and my thinking is since the project i’ve already attached myself to is planning filming for november - i have good t#ime until this new one starts filming where i dont yet have to so urgently be working on the nov. one#AND even after filming this new one if i do it i’ll still have good-ish time. i think. maybe. so yeah.#because my biggest nightmare is doing two things at the same time even the slightest so#and like to reiterate: this new one already has the planning done so i’d only have to source the costumes and do the fittings + filming and.#get this. WITH NOT ONE BUT TWO ASSISTANTS which is also a luxury i have NEVER had during all of school#so like??#idfk but i’m anxious as hell now#and absolutely won’t be sad if i dont get it lmao#it talks#janna’s film school diaries#idk which way i want this to go but at least i won’t have to regret not making a move which i was a little. so now i’m equally as happy with#any outcome
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