#really wish i could get one as a pet...
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#pokemon#Pokemon Fanart#SNAKES#arbok#Seviper#sandaconda#forgot to post it here too lul#i love snakes <3#really wish i could get one as a pet...#just a silly little corn snake aaww#but feeding it prob a pain#and i got a cat :c
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animal jam is a lot more fun when you're rich
#seriously notp is making me RICH on ajpw#i can get like. one corruption orb per hour of playing dungeons. the super sweets prizes?? got an alpha after like 5 rounds. got soo many#rares from that too.....#and now i'm like. oh i want to play as a dragon? don't have to wait two weeks to save the sapphires! i can buy it now!!#looking for a cool specific piece of clothing for my outfit? i can just buy it right now!! without worrying about the price!!!#i'm seriously considering buying an alpha. just like. snooping on explorer looking at the different wizard hats for when i sell mines#(i'm not That rich lol)#kind of disappointing anyways. like. it's easy to grind this stuff when you're not a kid but it must take so long for kids to do this!!#most of the people in this game get rich by paying money!! and like#i was always a nm on classic and while they are definitely more pay to play it was like. you could have so much fun and still be poor#play wild it's like. you do get all these features but so much of it is focused on Buying. like the only non purchase stuff i can think of#is crafting ???? and the phantom dungeons.. and the minigames. and talking to people i guess.#but like honestlyyy people only really care about the items and getting items and what items are coming out next month?? and what animals??#what new effects can i get for my pets for my items??? AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH#idk. idk. i know animal jam is far past its glory days and it needs to do this to survive. and i definitely do not want this game to die.#but it is really going full capitalism mode. and i think the content and the players and the devs are really suffering from that. idk.#jamblr#i do really enjoy doing the nonogram puzzles and i absolutely love the dungeons. i'm glad they give me stuff to sell. but man. i kind of ju#t wish it wasn't so much like this yknow#ramblings#bangers
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IM FREEEEEE
#(FROM PROJECTS)#personal#the engineering chronicles#WILL HOPEFULLY NEVER NEED TO SLEEP THREE NIGHTS ON THE FLOOR OF THE ENGINEERING BUILDING AGAIN!!!#one class the final project was to build a karaoke machine which my partner and i had planned on making look like actual speakers and#microphone but we couldn’t find the stuff in time and her mom made a joke abt singing into hairbrushes and we decided to take that and#run lol we used a pink sparkly makeup box to store our circuit and cut out holes for the speakers and decorated it with makeup and put the#hairbrush mics inside and it was very fun actually and our class voted us as one of the groups to go to project day which was pretty cool!!#project day did get canceled bc of. asnow day which was unfortunate especially considering we stayed up until 4am the night before#preparing our documents for it and trying to perfect the karaoke machine when we could have been putting that time toward project number#2 😐 but whatever we still get our extra credit and i can say i qualified for it so im happy enough#then project 2 was for another class but we’re lab partners in both (+ another guy for this project) and it was digital monster pet so we#made a dragon i was mostly on design so i hand CADed the whole thing which was living hell if i never want to lay eyes on solidworks#again but also he came out very cute after MUCH hasle putting him together with all the wires and components bc our wires from the kit are#so bad they’re constantly getting disconnected from each other which we didn’t know would happen bc the labs we usually do we don’t have to#connect them together like that since you’re not routing them thru bodies etc and they’ve worked great until now but anywya.#i did the lcd faces and the light sensor and a couple other things + a lot of the code was copy and paste from past labs and fitting it to#suit the project but for the most part it was a shit ton of hardware on my end while she and the other guy managed the rest of the code#which i really wish i could have been more involved with but oh well. as it is though he’s my baby i birthed him <3 we’re planning on#meeting up over weekends next semester to change some stuff and add other extra features that we missed we got a decent grade 85% but we#all agreed we don’t want to leave him like this we want to add the extra features we had come up with and also i think we should switch out#our motors for servos bc the motors we were required to use#instead suck they’re not strong at all compared to what a servo can do for you. also we want to make it so you can not only pet him which w#already have with light sensors but also wash him with a Hall effect sensor and magnet so like we’d stick the sensor inside and the magnet#inside a little cad brush or sponge is what im envisioning and i have an expression in mind for what we’d do then. also paint him and#redesign the platform he stands on bc it’s rlly cramped and also make a pcb bc we only have him with the microcontroller and breadboards rn#and i might mess with his face piece a bit too im not sure. oh and speakers!!! those were technically a requirement but we didn’t get them#done on time but i want to make him play music sooooo bad so definitely that. anyway want to be more involved in the software when we do#all this. pretty excited actually :]
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Font of Inspiration (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Many thoughts on this one! More lore!!!#For Charm specifically it's more the fun of the idea than necessarily how she Actually went about finding the things she likes haha#First set it easy enough - since all the JD Residents were crafted by the Queens (I really need to make Part 2 of that one...)#And all the JD Pets were crafted by their specific owner - that's all a pretty easy 1-to-1 haha#Charm had probably actually seen someone else craft their pet and/or been invited to do so by the Queens but setup punchline y'feel me#I think that was probably the status quo by the time she came to be#Which leads to the second thought! There she is admiring Marshmallow Fluff's sculpture work :D#I really need to give Aria a last name but my naming convention heghh I'll get to it eventually#Anyway lol admiring and being inspired by! In her own specific way#Again probably not Actually how it all panned out - maybe Aria inspired her to pick up sugar crystal polishing? They're more similar#Charm has been making candles for a while now ♪ But she could be inspired by specific pieces :D#It also got me thinking about which Residents were around for what and when! Charm's right in the middle of course#And the Queens were there before everyone else haha - but from there who was next and next and next!#I think the first batch was around six Residents and then there was a boom - but maybe that could be split into two batches for a total of 4#Marshmallow Fluff was from the first batch! As was Redvines&Pixi Stix and Ribbon Candy and Konpeito and the like#Charm was early into the second batch tho so she's definitely Batch 2 haha - plenty of others to look up to and be inspired by!#They all come into being fully adult already and have a kind of base understanding of things - but also learn and change and grow!#Friendships and hobbies and worries and wants and wishes ♪#Also you can't see it in the last one but she's Evil Timing behind those goggles haha <3#So excitable
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there are all sort of self-deprecating people with high standards for their niche activities i encounter on tumblr but the ones who really warn me off learning about their hobby the most are serious Dog People involved in the Dog World (constantly in some kind of hideous agony about their dog's tail being slightly too high in a way no casual observer would find possible to perceive). this is surmounted only by Dog People who also have a hobby of Semi-Serious Photography that they seem to have started while trying to get good at photographing the dog. those people can be miserable about the quality of the photograph and the quality of the dog simultaneously while still never making a single complaint over years that im even remotely capable of comprehending
areas where it seems actively self-defeating for your ability to enjoy the activity if you learn too much information about it
#lots of people are frustrated by things they have more technical background in and ability to evaluate than me#but somehow the dog photographers have really made it seem like a guaranteed recipe for disappointment to#learn too much information about either photography or dogs.#ive complained before about the thing where i get like secondhand dog body dysmorphia from this stuff#but i hadn't realized that i also find it pretty grim when they've simultaneously unlocked the ability to be sad about their dogs' unfixabl#physical traits AND their white balance.#they're always lovely-seeming people with pleasant interesting posts about their charming dogs. i wish i could... gift them#my interminable and unwavering ignorance and resulting positive feeling for their pets and creative output#just to try. just as a change of pace.#box opener#by contrast ive only encountered one knitting blogger with the same level of unswervably consistent unhappy self-deprecation#about their own knitting output. and even they aren't *also* publicly miserable about photographs#no idea why this is.
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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i really wanna work at a fish/aquarium store . i already know a lot and actually enjoy learning more about fishkeeping as well , do it as a hobby and it makes me very happy . id enjoy it way more than my current job and what i went to school for . maybe at some point ill get to do that
#an actually nice and educational fish store though#not like some shitty pet store whose employees are just there to sell and not actually care for whatever animals are there and –#– to educate whoever is looking to buy#the petstore i go to for my aquariums is really great and educational and i really wish i could work there#im not sure what it would take to get hired there though and i dont know if i can do that right now anyway#but one day i hope i get to#if i have to work i want to do something i enjoy and this would be really enjoyable i think#v. post#x. feesh#<- technically relates
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i told my mum i wanted to get a cat and she shut me down completely and now i kinda want to cry
#i know my apartment is small and it's also a temporary solution...#but like. i feel lonely now not in a year or two lol#i've been used to having cats since i was 8 and now it's been a year without one and i swear i miss it so much#i know it will sound dramatic but it feels like i'm missing a part of me#definitely doesn't help that the way we lost my last cat was really really painful#but just... sometimes i lie in my bed and start crying bc i wish a cat was curled up next to me lol#it's lame i know but i don't really get any physical affection and i didn't even before i moved out but when i had puccio it was like a#light in the darkness to be able to cuddle with him and feel his warmth...#and i just wish i had that again#i'm well aware it's a commitment a pet is not a toy it's a living being who needs care#but i've been thinking about it so much and it just keeps feeling more and more like it'd help me so much#and i know how to give a cat love and taking care of someone other than myself would also help i think...#idk. maybe my mum's right but it breaks my heart. i would also have to ask my landlord and he could say no#god lol once again no place feels like it's home which might sound unrelated but it's not#anyway too tired to explain that one i'll just go cry more
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maybe i am gods favourite little bitch after all..
#work went well despite the craziness#saw upstairs neighbours fr a second and got wished happy holidays#another gooooood date w the guy. he seems to be wooing me fr im like ☺️💖#an hr and a half of sleep and i am Wakened by upstairs neighbour who is locked out of his place tryna get back in#i manage to help him out w the tools i got plus hear hes moving in february. dunno if mb theyre all going or??#rip i know theyre good people but id love to get some sleep#oh and also once he got the door open i got to pet their doggy. yayyy#hes still cleaning up up there so phone time fr me rn but after imma sleep again. yey#ALSO at the date i dropped my phone at the entrance of the place and it DIDNT get stolen once i realised i lost it it was still right THERE#also tmi i started my period halfway thru the day rip but didnt bleed thru my beautiful work clothes and was fine on the date so. yayy!#let me choose to think i had a Good Day bc i asked yall to pray fr me in the morning like damn......they REALLY did pull through..#ALSO how could i forget. solidarity in the womens bathroom when the lock was fucked but a stranger offered to Stand Guard fr me. yeah#anyway might make new year plans w the guy if he'd like to idk. heeheeheeeee#edit half an hour after posting this btw he is still rummaging away up there!! my god!! at least i dont have work later today mye godde..#just hanging wmy dad and his wife in the afternoon we were gonna do a christmas market but changed plans to board games and a movie#which considering 1. the period situation and 2. this being my one day off before having to do retail again on mon/tue. thank god! thank YOU
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I do wish that DATV would actually put your rook/inquisitors names that you take the time to type into the game just, in the text as the person speaking. Idk. They hardlocked us into last names too for??? Say it cowards. Say my last name if I can't change it. let me be like "ah ahhhh for safety please call me Rook. For your safety. For my safety." Like? Whats the POINT uuhhghh
** mourn watch gets a few mentions of theirs i do know that, congratulations crypt babies 👏💕
#i got really sad looking at my screenshots and Minnie's name was nowhere to be found. I don't think I saw Bishop's on any codex#on any missive#and it was disappointing#drage#datv#arlo speaks#i just wish as much love could have gone into veilguard as it deserved#if they had actually spent the full ten years perfecring it veilguard could have been a masterpiece but realisticly its a fine game#that probably only cooked for four/five#im happy it actually happened at all though im grateful for crumbs BUT will forever mourn what it could have been#i put in Minnie's full name Min'Esta because after dai after solas after having to rebuild herself no one gets to pet name her#and i was kinda excited to see the power in that for her. even if it was in my own mind in passing#her full name her new tattoos it was suppose to be more#idk
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Hello! I've recentlyl found your blog and it's made me so nostalgic. You've managed to find fanart that I thought was lost to time. I was in love with prowl back in 2009 and these days he's a platonic f/o! I ship to optimus and bulkhead now! I'd very much like to hear about your oc! (selfshipping-haven)
AW THANK YOU!! God yeah he was my first real love tbh. I'd had little baby crushes before but Prowl unlocked things in me I didn't even know I had when I discovered TFA in 2011. I didn't even really speak English back then, I didn't understand half of what those guys were even saying but he was everything to me.
I haven't thought about transformers in over a decade until I recently made a new friend who's a fan, and at some point TFA came up and I sort of mentioned that I used to be in love with Prowl, so then one thing led to another and I looked him up just for nostalgia and oh. I remember him. We were in love. Turns out those feelings never left. So here I am.
Thinking back now I realized that there's a lot of things about my personality/me as a person that connect back to Prowl, because kid me wanted to be more like him, and I did, but I completely forgot where it all started. I do love that I succeeded to grow into a person he would like, it means so much to me. Coming back to TFA honestly feels like coming home. Returning to my roots.
Anyway, excuse the autistic rambling <3 I much appreciate this ask, it means a lot that someone actually cares enough to ask!! Looking at your blog though, I don't think you'd like Trixie very much, since her ship/story is pretty fucked up lmao.
I have two OCs I ship with Prowl (HEAR ME OUT LOL) mom said i could have two Prowl ships
So. The first one, Ash, I made when I was 13, and they were a very made-by-autistic-child-esque overpowered self-insert. They had a different name and gender back then because I did too but the concept remains sort of the same: Prowl falls in love with a human, all is good for a while, and then there is an accident that results in Ash nearly dying, becoming techno-organic to save their life, and sporting a huge scar. I thought it was awesome, then later decided it was cringe, and now I realized it's actually based af so I revived them. I am cringe but I am free. Ash is great.
Enjoy a preview. Kitty cat. I love cats more than anything and this is a self insert so of COURSE they have kittycat ears!! Probably processor over matter'd them into existence too through sheer willpower. Because they're neat.
But I did have a phase in I think 2019 where I briefly got back into TFA (but not deeply) and wanted a new OC, because I was in a very sad "noooo you can't ever make anything ✨️cringe✨️" phase. Dark times. I don't know why I let people convince me there could ever be harm in my joy. So I scrapped Ash and made a bot OC instead, because the whole humanxbot thing felt too self-indulgent to be allowed. And thus came Bird. (She also had a different name, but I revamped her completely in the past weeks).
I love Bird. She's honestly my main transformers oc. Bird starts out as a decepticon named PHANTOM-2918-4 (aka Phantom), who's tasked to spy on the Autobots, but over time she instead falls in love with Earth's nature and critters and realizes she wants to protect them, not harm them. Prowl decides to take a chance on her and train her (since Yoketron took a chance on him too). She changes her name to Bird because she loves birds most, since they can fly like her, but the ability isn't associated with evil.
Unlike Ash though, Bird x Prowl doesn't have a good ending because in Bird!canon, the finale still happens. She stays behind on Earth alone after everyone else leaves to protect it and honor Prowl's memory, but he's very much gone. She gets Yoketron's helmet. Their ship song is actually what this blog is named after (Saturn from Sleeping at Last).
#answered asks#two talks#two's ocs#oc: rise from the ashes#idk what the protocol is for if i'm in your dni but you're the one interacting first#but i HAD to get this ramble out it made my entire day that someone asked <3#i promise i'm just some guy. if that helps#i really wish we could be friends genuinely. i think Ash and your tfa s/i would get along so well#but you're free to block me if you prefer i'll respect that#i just don't support harassing people even over things i personally dislike. This is a no-hate zone we're all friends here#i'm very firm in my do whatever you want forever stance#the world is messed up enough we don't need to make it worse. take your hate elsewhere (general you; not you anon!)#seeing people spread hate and negativity makes me sad and i will never do that#also i'm gonna be honest with you. i'm a villain enjoyer and I love angst. i will not hide this#but i will spare you the trixie evil pet play arc lmfaoo#oc: the courage of stars
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I know this is kinda silly and doesn't seem as serious as it is for me but it genuinely hurts me that I can't casually tell people that I'm a therian. I can't even say I'm a furry unless I'm certain I won't be judged. It's becoming an increasingly important part of my identity and I wish I could just tell people "I'm a dog btw ^-^" when I meet them the same way I can tell them I'm queer or an artist or a gamer or whatever. It's just who I am and I hate how it's not really accepted, or even understood by most people
#i think it would really benefit my relationships with people if i could tell them that and know they're cool with it#and i don't just mean the fact that being understood and accepted is important in relationships with people. because yeah duh#i mean if someone truly understood it they would change the way they interact with me#like in my last post i said i wish to be touched the way you touch a dog#no thoughts or motives behind that. just pets or scratches#right now if someone pet me or if i request being pet there would probably be some other motives in that#like flirting for example#and like these can coexist it could be both mindless petting and flirting in certain circumstances#but i mean i wish i could get the pure affection for the sake of it from people#like honestly that sounds nice even from people i don't know too well#if i trust you enough to want to interact with you im okay with you petting me in a dog way#but then I can't tell people this so i can't get that#and yknow there is other stuff that goes with being perceived as something other than human#the way i express my emotions feels animal to me. it just does. but no one can get that without me explaining every detail of my mind#i said this before in sone other post but i wish people would just know im a dog without having to tell them#because i can't tell anyone#except for yknow. the internet where no one really knows me#well#therianposting#bee buzz
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my cats pepper and kenny are getting older and frailer despite our best efforts to keep them healthy…… poor little guys
#kenny has some sort of chronic skin condition and it’s flaring up pretty badly and he’s lost muscle tone#pepper is mostly okay but i worry he may just have had an episode of incontinence……..#and once he licked anti-flea medicine off the back of my dog’s neck and went into some sort of allergic shock like he was having a stroke#so it may have had some sort of long-lasting effect on him#I’m not sure#they’re both acting as happy as usual but kenny in particular is very resilient so he doesn’t really show his pain#he sustained a lot of injuries as a young one before we took him in and we were warned he would probably have skin problems down the line#hence the lesions and irritated patches that appear once in awhile#we always patch him up but there’s only so much we can do#I wish i could do more to help both my family and my pets but i’m so busy trying to keep track of both#that i can’t get much done on my own or for myself
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I have this tea cup I made in highschool (it’s really cute and was designed more like those Japanese ones without a handle than it was those fancy English style with even more elements to them) but I never actually asked if the glaze we used was food safe (we all used the same glaze on those cups specifically because the teacher glazed those ones in particular and I don’t remember checking. I glazed and painted every other project but only one of them was something you would use for food and that thing broke a few years ago and was honestly more decorative) and this has haunted me ever since. It’s a super cute cup and I adore it, but I have no idea if I can use it for its intended purpose and while I could buy a lead testing kit I’m not sure how I would check for anything else that might have been in that glaze. I know the color used but not the brand, so that’s not really a help either. The teacher I had left the district after that year because our school district paid art teachers a shit wage and we rotated through them like elementary school kids needing new shoes every year. I’m not entirely sure how I would contact her, but even if I did track her down (something not entirely impossible from what I know about her life outside of teaching us for a year, I would feel slightly weird about it though, even though she was my favorite art teacher) but I highly doubt she would remember something like the glaze she used on one project her students made at a school she taught at for one year. I’m not sure what other testing kits I would need besides lead to confidently say it’s safe enough for my personal use, and it’s annoyed me for several years now.
#emma posts#it was peacock. peacock green I believe#and do you have any idea how many brands produce a peacock named glaze?#I could maybe narrow it down by looking for one that tended to be more forest green to dark blue#but that’s not really a great way to get a definitive answer#I also wish i could make more ceramic stuff right now! I’ve been hooked ever since yhat class#polymer clay sculpting isn’t quite the same (though better than nothing) and air dry clay often feels crumbly#neither of those could be used for cups and stuff#but even just making clay sculptures (my favorite) hits different with clay#I miss the smell and the feel and the way it worked#the closest I’ve gotten to the experience was digging up clay near my parents house and trying to fire it in the bonfire#it was only a half success#I tried to learn how ancient people made stone wear with raw clay and other materials added#but i just can’t seem to fire it the same way and it ends up slightly ashy on the surface from the soot#it’s also a bit more prone to cracking and I know I can’t expect the same as what it’s like working with the good stuff#and I know the clay on the farm is at least decent but not modern quality#also it doesn’t get fired all the way so if I get water on it it starts to dissolve a bit again#I should try to study ancient clay methods#it would be really fun to try to recreate some stuff in the area behind the lilacs#but it isn’t as good as modern clay#I’m getting really side tracked though#art problems#I wish I had an actual studio. I don’t see that happening any time soon though#my dream is to live on one of those houses in the woods north of town and have an art studio and room for more pets and gardens#i don’t think that’s ever gonna happen though#right now I’m just trying to figure out the local buses and stay in government housing#I can’t drive. I dropped out of college because of health problems. I’m living on disability and foodstamps. my health inssues make my#schedule and availability unreliable for a regular schedule#keeping up with the dishes is my worst enemy (aside from everything else)#i just don’t see myself doing much outside of my desk in the corner of my small living room any time soon
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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It’s soooo easy to post those “healing isn’t linear” and “it’s okay to have bad days!” Platitudes until you’re regressing a bit on some of the healing you’ve done and all of a sudden you feel like a failure
#I wish my neurosis could be consistent at least#yesterday I was talking myself up about how budget wise I’m making more than I spend every month with plenty to put in savings maybe I could#get a pet and feel comfortable with that financial burden and then today I nearly had an anxiety attack over the idea of maybe treating#myself to dinner (because the gobblers back bitches lmao) and maybe buying new tennis shoes on Sunday because I’ve been working out and my#old ones are falling apart and also I’ve recently been having a lot of trouble with being hypervigilant in the dark for some reason? really#thought I had gotten past that with the handful of medications I’m taking#and the thing is is that I’m just complaining and I’ll probably delete this tomorrow and I know life’s not fair blah blah blah#but I really am trying and it hurts when it feels like my body and mind are betraying me#don’t you know we’re in this together
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