#please tell me someone else knows what those are

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

THIS. THIS THIS THIS. i could talk a lot about how this kind of thing goes for me and how i use it--i might come back to do that in another reblog--but for now i wanted to pass it on because THIS. i am on a basis where i can literally ask my body, in words, what i'm feeling, and very quickly get an answer. it's fucking wild.

another extremely helpful step i'd like to add is: if you're trying to get in touch with and narrate to an emotion this way, ask it if it needs you to talk to someone else first. ('someone else' being 'another feeling you are having.')

if something happens that leaves me feeling kicked in the gut--even if i already know why it feels that way, and what caused it--trying to interrogate it too directly will just make it even worse, and it won't listen or tell me jack shit. if i ask if i need to talk to someone else first, i am almost certainly going to be directed straight to the parts of my body that are feeling anger; panic; sense of betrayal; sense that Something Urgently Must Be Done; and so on, and have to address those first, because my reaction to the trigger is going to involve layers of emotions and not just one. defeat my seven evil fight or flight responses etc.

and on top of that, many times more often than not, the emotion i'm going to be directed to is HOLY GOD I AM SO HUNGRY/THIRSTY/TIRED/HURTY, TAKE CARE OF IT PLEASE. i'll become immediately aware of bodily factors i'd completely failed to notice, which were stressing me the fuck out on top of the other emotional triggers. even if it's something i can't do much to mitigate at the time (my body's favorite hobby is randomly hurting like a bitch), it is insanely helpful to be able to go 'the toddler in my nervous system is hungry, exhausted, and in pain. they need a nap and a snack and to curl up in a blanket with a comfort movie for a while before we can talk productively about the meltdown they just had, no matter how gentle or understanding i am about it.'

once i've addressed those things, the vast majority of the time lump of lead in my gut will actually be ready to work with me. it's practically magic and i highly recommend.

on the validity of recognizing emotions

[mysteryshoptls]

SSR Malleus Draconia - New Year's Attire Vignette

"I should just pull this cord out once, correct?"

[Mister S's Mystery Shop]

[Malleus casts spells]

Malleus: Now then, I've used my magic to organize the shelves. What should I do next…?

Ignihyde Student A: Ooh. This laptop's pretty cheap. Though, I can't check how it'd operate, since it's got no power.

Ignihyde Student B: Apparently if you ask one of the guys working here, they'll power it up for you, so we should ask someone. Let's see if there's anyone free…

Malleus: Yes? Is there something I can do for you?

Ignihyde Student A: Eek... I just made eye contact with Malleus Draconia...! U-UH, NO, SIR! I WILL ASK SOMEONE ELSE!

Malleus: The others are currently busy with their own duties. I can assist you if there is something in the store you need.

Ignihyde Student B: Uhh… R-Right then, so… Could I get this computer booted up for a sec… Pretty please?

Malleus: This mechanical box, is it? …If I recall, the others would simply press this button here to turn it on.

[click]

Malleus: It isn't working. When this happens, I should pull this cord out once, correct? That is what Lilia once taught me.

Ignihyde Student A: Eh, you're going to completely unplug it!? But isn't it still in the process of starting up…?

[snap!! crackle, crackle!]

Ignihyde Student B: Eek! It sparked! That was a pretty strong yank…

Malleus: Alright. Now I simply have to do the same thing once more.

[click…THUD!!!]

[the power goes out]

Malleus: Hm? All the lights in the store seem to have turned off.

Sam: It's a power outage! I'll go check on the breakers, so I need all you little imps to stay right where you are for safety!

Heartslabyul Student A: It's so dark I can't see anything…! What's going on!?

Pomefiore Student A: I totally saw some sparks a second ago! Malleus Draconia must have done something! We need to run for our lives!!

Malleus: Wait. Sam said to stay right where you are.

Malleus: I warn each and every one of you… I will not allow anyone to take one step out of this store.

Students: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

[everyone runs way]

Floyd: Ahah. I can't believe you caused a power outage, Sea Slug-senpai. That cracks me up.

Malleus: I simply was attempting to turn on that mechanical box.

Sam: It seems you pulled out the plug while it was still one, didn't you, my little horned imp?

Sam: Because of that the plug shorted out, and when you plugged it back in, it tripped the breaker.

Sam: In a nutshell… That's what caused the store's lights to go out.

Jamil: At least the laptop is fine, and the power's restored once the breaker was flipped.

Jamil: But… Now we have another problem on our hands.

[cricket, cricket...]

Jack: Looks like it. The power's back on, but all the customers that left haven't come back in.

Floyd: Ain't it just 'cause Sea Slug-senpai scared 'em all off?

Malleus: I scared them? Perhaps I may have been the cause of the power outage, but all I did after that was caution those who would go against Sam's instructions.

Jamil: Well, that's… I mean, if they heard your voice echoing in the darkness like that… You know…

Sam: Now, now. I know none of this was done with any malicious intent.

Sam: But we're a business, after all. We can't lose customers and lose sales, now can we? There needs to be some kind of penalty.

Sam: So, I'll just deduct points from your total score towards the special bonus.

Jamil: A point deduction because we caused a decrease in customers, hm. Now that's a serious blow.

Malleus: …I neither intend to lose this competition, nor do I wish to be held in disdain.

Malleus: Whatever the outcome, I must take responsibility for my actions.

Malleus: I shall see our customers returned, and our sales up once more.

Sam: Oh? You're talking a big game there. I see that glint in your eyes… I can tell you mean it.

Sam: Nyeheehee! Alright then, I'll give you a change.

Sam: If you can make more sales today than you did yesterday before we close, then I'll waive everything that happened earlier! How's that?

Malleus: I understand. I shall see it done.

[Mister S's Mystery Shop]

Malleus: My apologies. I seem to have been a burden, Viper.

Jamil: Please, no need to say that. If anyone from Diasomnia learned that I had you apologizing to me, I'd never hear the end of it!

Jamil: However, will it even be possible to increase sales to more than we earned yesterday in the time we have remaining today…?

Malleus: We only need to draw back in the customers that left. Wait here.

[Beside Mister S's Mystery Shop]

[Heartslabyul students chatter]

Malleus: Ah, perfect, there are some humans milling about. You all there, have you purchased what you need from the New Year's Sale?

Malleus: Now is your chance to peruse our wares at your leisure. You would do well to come in.

Heartslabyul Student B: ACK… IT'S MALLEUS DRACONIA!

Heartslabyul Student C: I heard a rumor… His magic brought down a streak of lightning crashing down into the store and it knocked out all the lights!

Malleus: What?

Heartslabyul Student B: I-I even heard that he tried to forcefully drag customers back into the dark shop… I'm too scared!

Students: R-RUN AWAY―――!!

[they run away]

[Mister S's Mystery Shop]

Malleus: I don't recall that happening whatsoever.

Jamil: It seems the incident has been embellished beyond reason.

Jamil: Perhaps we need to do something to reverse this frightening impression you've seem to have left on people.

Jamil: For example, what if we were to fix how you interact with customers? That is… Maybe try to be a bit less stiff…

Jack: I just saw a bunch of guys in front of the shop that looked like they had all the blood drained from their face… Oh, I see, it was just Malleus-senpai.

Floyd: Oh, right, just Malleus-senpai.

Malleus: What do you mean, "oh"? What are you implying?

Jack: Nothing, just thought they looked real put out.

Malleus: What is that supposed to mean? Certainly, the power outage from before may have caused some sort of misunderstanding…

Malleus: However, I've never received a single complaint on how I interact with customers.

Floyd: I mean, isn't that just 'cause you just bein' there puts immense pressure on 'em?

Malleus: I've only ever treated them as I would anyone else…

Sam: Oh me, oh my, it looks like we only have our staff inside the store. How about we try to bring some customers in?

Malleus: You're right. Allow me.

Jamil: YOU CAN STAY RIGHT HERE, MALLEUS-SENPAI!

Jack: Sam-san, you're carrying something pretty big there. Is that some new product?

Sam: Oh, this? Another shop sent it to me out of the blue.

Malleus: Hm, it has a bright red face and some magnificent golden teeth. And these… aren't horns, but ears, yes? What a curious creature.

Jamil: What kind of beast is this creature supposed to resemble? It sort of resembles a lion.

Sam: You're right! This big guy is a ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ, a legendary beast from the east that resembles a lion.

Sam: It is a talisman that brings good fortune during the New Year's over there. It may give the impression of being an unapproachable creature…

Sam: But these guys'll show up at New Year festivals and go around blessing people with luck in the coming year by chomping on their heads!

Jack: Eh? Are those people alright after getting their heads bit!?

Sam: Oh, oops, I didn't mean for you to misunderstand. It's merely a play bite, they're not really harming them.

Sam: We have these set up at the entrance to the eastern branch of our shop, so another shop tried to also put them out.

Sam: But it seems many customers find how they look scary. These got shipped over to us, to see if there was something we can do with them.

Malleus: I see. Although it is a creature specifically for ringing in the new year, people are frightened and avoid it��

Malleus: …Sam, I will be borrowing this ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ for a moment. I shall use my magic to puppeteer it and bring customers back in.

Floyd: What, the guy everyone's scared of is gonna use a bit of decoration that everyone's also scared of to try and bring people in? Ain't that gonna just scare 'em off even more?

Malleus: A talisman from a far-off land should pique their curiosity.

Malleus: It will be enough if I simply use my magic to manipulate it to move as if it were alive, to garner the people's eye.

Malleus: I will test how it moves. I shall leave my post for a moment, I leave you all to take of things.

Jamil: Uh… Malleus-senpai?

[Courtyard]

Malleus: Hm… I consulted some eastern resources… Is this how it should be moving?

Jamil: Ah, I thought you'd be here.

Malleus: Viper. How did you know where to find me?

Jamil: I assumed that you'd be in a pretty open space if you were going to try to maneuver something that big.

Jamil: Is there anything I may help you with?

Jamil: It's not like there's any use sticking around the shop when business is slow, after all…

Jamil: I can't just stand around while our team's special bonus and the shop's profit are in jeopardy.

Malleus: Then, perhaps you could provide me your opinions on how the ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ should move.

Malleus: I've no trouble manipulating it with my magic, yes…

Malleus: However, I require a solution in order for it to move smooth enough to draw in customers.

Jamil: I understand. Then, I will observe your movements and support you to the best of my abilities.

[Courtyard]

[ZOOM!!]

Malleus: How did that movement seem?

Jamil: It was so fast I couldn't see anything!

Jamil: It may be a legendary beast, but I can't imagine it would move that fast… I think it would be better for it to move slower.

Malleus: I thought perhaps that would give it more life… Then, I suppose this time I will attempt to move it more serenely.

Malleus: I should tilt and turn its head slowly… Have it dance in the heavens as if rising from the earth…

[GRAH!!]

Jamil: …!? What was that move just now…!?

Malleus: Oh, did it seem alive?

Jamil: No, not at all.

Jamil: It was just moving in an unnatural way for a real, living creature… So I imagined a terrifying monster instead.

Malleus: Terrifying? Well, that would just cause the people to flee even more.

Malleus: It seems there is still much room for improvement. I'll focus on how the joints move next. Let's see, now…

Malleus: …This was a failure as well. Moving it with my magic may be simple enough, and yet it is attempting to give it life that is eluding me.

Malleus: What must I do to have it move with an elegance that will draw the humans back in?

Jamil: …......

Malleus: What is it, Viper? You've been silent for some while now. Have you exhausted yourself?

Jamil: Ah, no…

Jamil: I just couldn't get out of my head how terrifying the ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ was as it moved.

Jamil: It almost seemed as though it could swallow us whole… It left a pretty big impact on me.

Malleus: So, you say it left an unforgettable impression on you?

Malleus: Hm…

Jamil: What's wrong? Is something the matter?

Malleus: I've just had a good idea… I think I know what would attract the people.

[Beside Mister S's Mystery Shop]

A few hours later―

Scarabia Student A: I want to go see the sales at the Mystery Shop…

Students: BUT MALLEUS DRACONIA'S TOO SCARY!!

Scarabia Student A: Is it true that he got mad during his shift and fired down lightning bolts? Maybe we should just go home…

Savanaclaw Student A: Hey, something is coming.

[rustle, rustle, ROOOAR!!]   

Savanaclaw Student A: Ack, what's that monster!? There's a huge lion-lookin' thing floating in the air.

Scarabia Student A: It's creepy with how it's wiggling like that… Why's there a terrifying monster like that on campus?

[drifts away]

Savanaclaw Student A: Oh, it's going back towards the Mystery Shop.

Students: …

Scarabia Student A: That was scary, but… Why do I feel like checking it out?

Savanaclaw Student A: I totally get you! I'd never seen anything like that…

Savanaclaw Student A: …Let's go after it!

[Mister S's Mystery Shop]

Scarabia Student A: Huh? It's pitch black in here… Where'd that thing from earlier go?

Malleus: Welcome.

Savanaclaw Student A: AAAAH, IT'S MALLEUS DRACONIA!!

Malleus: You've come for this, have you not? Heh, I am not surprised it piqued your curiosity.

Malleus: This is called a ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ, and it is considered a talisman of good fortune in the east.

Savanaclaw Student A: A talisman? So, basically, you're saying…

Malleus: That's correct, I am making it move with my magic.

[GWAK!]

Savanaclaw Student A: The  just raised its head up high and gave a howl before dancing in the air again! It's really got spirit…!

Pomefiore Student B: Seeing a strange unearthly creature next to Draconia like this… It gives me chills.

Pomefiore Student C: I-It's scary… Just lookin' at it feels overwhelming.

Students: BUT… I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF IT. I JUST KEEP GETTING SUCKED IN…!

Sam: Ｆｌｙ! You did good, my horned imp!

Sam: We've got twice the number of customers and profits from before the slump. I was worried there for a moment, but it looks like it was a blessing in disguise!

Jamil: Right now, there is a sight that cannot be witnessed anywhere else…

Jamil: Once that rumor got out, it became a grand success that's packed this shop full of customers.

Floyd: Looks like even the miniature ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ are all gettin' sold, too. These morons're too easy.

Malleus: I simply took Viper's advice and suggested we sell them. He said that for occasions such as these, a memento would be highly sought after.

Jamil: To be perfectly honestly, I didn't actually think they'd sell this well. All this must be due to Malleus-senpai's influence.

Malleus: My influence, hm. Well, I do admit that I thought long and hard about that because of this incident.

Jack: Hm? What does that mean?

Malleus: Viper said that the way the ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ moved was unforgettable and terrifying…

Malleus: So I thought to myself. Why is the ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ considered a legendary beast, although it is feared by many?

Malleus: When humans fear something, it means that they are in awe of its power.

Malleus: Whether they are frightened or entranced by it, there is a fine line between fear and reverence.

Malleus: Thus, wouldn't it make sense drawing out the feelings of reverence from the thing that evokes fear, and gain the attention of those people?

Sam: I see… Did you come up with that because of what you experienced?

Sam: I'd expect nothing less from you, my horned imp. I'm sure the ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ are also happy to have their moment in the spotlight, as well.

Sam: Just as I promised, I'll consider that slump earlier completely forgotten. If anything else, I'll consider it bonus points towards your special bonus!

[knock, knock, knock]

Diasomnia Student A: Um! Do you guys still have some of those mini ＳＨＩＳＨＩＭＡＩ for sale!?

Octavinelle Student A: I hear that if we buy that, we'd gain awesome magical power just like Malleus Draconia. I absolutely need one!

Sam: Oh, my. They're still coming, even though we're supposed to be closed… Tomorrow may be just as busy as today, at this rate.

Jamil: Malleus-senpai, looks like you were a hit. …Although, I feel like their reactions are still kind of self-centered.

Malleus: I'm paying it no mind. I consider the work I have done here to simply be another experience that dots my brief time as a student here.

Malleus: I want to be able to enjoy myself until the very end. I shall overlook any minor issues.

Sam: You said it. Keep those vibes going all the way 'til the last day for me.

Malleus: Naturally. You may leave it to me.

Malleus: I shall use my awe-inspiring power that toes the line of fear to continue to bring in even more customers.

Requested by Anonymous.

[mmso-notlikethat]

ten years (so sad) …. now what’s that you said about him dying and no one knows for 20-30 years…. 👀

(please please please i need more angst 🙏)

honestly i have no excuse except i wanted to write Tommy's pov and you wanted a longer coma-ish sorry no death (i couldn't)... but this is still way too sad even for me :)...

No MCD, but there is an OC death. / Heavy Angst :)

The first time Tommy realized he wasn’t dead—really knew he was still alive—was after what must have been weeks. Maybe a month. A nurse brushed his arm during a bed change, and he felt it. Faint, like a whisper on his skin, but enough to flood him with hope. He tried to speak, tried to move, but his body betrayed him. His voice was a phantom, his muscles silent.

The nurse left, oblivious.

He wanted to scream. He tried to scream.

Nothing.

After some time—Tommy couldn’t know exactly how much, a couple of months, maybe less or more—Buck showed up. Tommy thought, How…? But the question faded as quickly as it came. Instead, a warmth spread through him, a quiet, desperate relief.

Buck showed up almost every day. Tommy figured Buck must come whenever he wasn’t on shift. He could hear Buck’s voice, steady and warm, as he talked about everything and anything to fill the silence. He talked about Maddie having another baby, about Eddie moving back to El Paso for a while, and then coming back with Christopher.

Sometimes Buck would cry, his voice breaking as he whispered, “Please, Tommy, just wake up. Please.”

Those moments tore Tommy apart. He wanted nothing more than to reach out, to wipe away Buck’s tears, to tell him he was still here. But his body refused to cooperate. All he could do was listen, helpless, as Buck poured his heart out beside him.

A year passed.

Tommy didn’t know how he kept track of time, but he felt it move around him.

The nurses would mention dates in passing, news reports played faintly on TV screens in the hallway, and Buck still came. Once or twice a week, like clockwork, Buck sat by his side, talking about the firehouse, Maddie, Jee-Yun, her sister, and the world outside. Tommy tried to listen, to hang on to those words. They were all he had.

But he also noticed the changes. Buck didn’t stay as long as he used to. Sometimes his visits were rushed, his words distracted. Tommy wanted to shout, Don’t go yet. I’m here! I’m still here!

But he couldn’t.

Five years passed.

The visits became less frequent. Buck came once a month now, bringing flowers that always wilted before the next visit. Tommy learned to brace himself for the quiet. He spent his days locked inside his own mind, desperate for some way to communicate, to show anyone that he wasn’t gone. The staff—the nurses, physical therapists, doctors—anyone… But especially Buck.

Whenever Buck came, he brought a presence to the room that Tommy clung to. He talked about everything: the 118’s updates, Maddie’s growing family, Eddie and Chris, and especially Alex, the little boy he had adopted last year. Buck’s voice lit up when he spoke about Alex—how he was starting to babble, how he smiled the brightest at bedtime stories, how he loved to play with his stuffed animals.

Tommy loved hearing about him. He loved Alex, even though he’d never met him. He clung to those stories like lifelines.

One day, Buck sat down heavily in the chair beside him, his voice quieter than usual. “I met someone,” he said, his words hesitant. “Her name is Amelia. She’s… she’s great Tommy. You’d like her.”

Tommy’s heart shattered, but he couldn’t blame Buck. What else was he supposed to do? They weren’t together when this happened. They hadn’t been for months. He shouldn’t have even hoped. Buck deserved happiness, even if it wasn’t with him. And Tommy had no right to feel like this—no right to feel the ache that settled deep in his chest.

Still, the words haunted him long after Buck left.

Ten years passed.

Buck came every three months now, sometimes less. Tommy had given up trying to track the days. He spent most of his time floating in and out of awareness, only rousing when someone touched him or adjusted his position. The staff rarely spoke to him except to comment on his care. He was just another body to them.

The next time Buck visited, his smile was softer, his voice lighter. “I married her,” he said, raising his hand instinctively to show the ring, even though Tommy couldn’t see it. But somehow, Tommy felt it. “Amelia. She’s amazing, Tommy. She’s good for me.”

Tommy’s chest ached, but also, he was happy for Buck. Genuinely happy. Buck deserved this, deserved someone who could be there for him—though he couldn’t move a muscle to show it. He wondered what Amelia was like, what it would feel like to meet her. But all he could do was listen as Buck described a life he would never be part of.

Buck stayed longer this time, the warmth in his voice pulling Tommy out of the haze he lived in most days. “Oh, and uh… I’m a captain now,” Buck said, almost shyly, as though he didn’t want to brag. “Took me long enough, huh? Bobby always said I’d get there. I wish you could’ve been there, Tommy. You would’ve laughed at the whole thing. I was so nervous.” He chuckled softly, the sound tugging at something deep inside Tommy.

Tommy wanted to tell him, Good job, Evan. You deserve that. I’m so proud of you. The words sat heavy in his chest, unsaid and unheard.

A few visits later, Buck shared something that lit up the room. “Amelia’s pregnant,” he said, his happiness spilling into the space like sunlight. “We’re having a baby, Tommy. Can you believe it? Me—a dad again.” He laughed lightly, and Tommy could almost picture the sparkle in his eyes. “I hope the kid turns out as awesome as Alex.”

Tommy was happy for Buck. He truly was. He just wanted to be part of it somehow, maybe in some small way he already was. But he wanted Buck to know—really know—how happy Tommy was for him. How much he wished he could say it, could share in this joy with him.

Fifteen years passed.

Buck’s visits came twice a year now. He still talked, but not as much. There were longer silences as he sat by the bed, looking at Tommy with guilt in his eyes. “Amelia and I… we had a little girl,” he said during one visit. “Her name’s Emma. She’s five now.”

Emma. Tommy committed the name to memory, repeating it over and over in his mind like a prayer. He imagined her laugh, her tiny hands. Did she have Evan’s eyes? His curls? Or maybe she had a birthmark just like him… His thoughts lingered. Maybe she looked like her mother.

He wanted to say, Tell me more. Don’t stop talking about her. But Buck’s voice trailed off, and the silence stretched between them.

Years continued to pass, and when Buck visited again, his voice carried the weight of something Tommy couldn’t place. Alex was 14 now, and Emma was 8. Buck sat heavily in the chair beside him, his words slow and uneven. “She left, Tommy,” he said quietly, his hands wringing together. “Another person left me. I know this time it isn’t anyone’s fault… but this hurts.”

Tommy’s heart twisted, confusion and worry gnawing at him. Who left? Buck didn’t say, and the silence that followed felt different—deeper, darker. He tried to reach out, to say anything, but his body stayed still, his voice trapped.

Frustration bubbled up in Tommy’s chest, followed by a wave of hot, searing anger. Why? Why can’t I move? Why can’t I tell him I’m here? He raged silently, cursing his own body, the years of silence, the cruel trap he was locked in. He wanted to scream, to reach out and shake Buck, to demand answers, to comfort him, to do something. But there was nothing he could do. Nothing.

The anger simmered as Buck sat there, quiet and heavy with grief. Who left, Evan? he thought frantically. What happened? I’m so sorry, Evan. Please, talk to me. Over and over, Tommy repeated the words in his mind, desperately wishing Buck could hear them. He didn’t understand what had happened, but he wanted to comfort Buck, to take away even a fraction of the pain he could feel radiating off him.

But Buck didn’t say anything more. He sat quietly for a while, then stood and placed a hand gently on Tommy’s shoulder. “I’ll see you soon,” he said softly before walking out of the room.

Tommy was left with his thoughts, his heart breaking for Buck. Whatever had happened, Tommy wanted Buck to know he wasn’t alone—even if he couldn’t tell him.

And then, as always, the helplessness crept back in, wrapping around him like chains. He was powerless, and that hurt almost as much as whatever Buck was going through.

Twenty-two years passed.

When Tommy finally woke up, it wasn’t dramatic—no gasp of air or miraculous surge of energy. His eyes simply opened, his body heavy and alien, and his first breath was shallow and labored. The nurse beside him gasped, calling for a doctor as Tommy’s gaze slowly wandered around the room. It was brighter than he imagined, and the world felt distant, blurry.

It took days for Tommy to understand just how much time had passed. He couldn’t walk. His muscles were too weak, his body unrecognizable. His reflection in the mirror was a stranger—lines etched deep into his face, his hair thin and gray.

The days that followed were a blur of tests and therapies. His muscles were too weak to move much, and his voice cracked like old paper when he tried to speak.

The doctor explained everything—how long he’d been in the care facility, the complications, and how much time had passed.

It wasn’t until the door opened, and Buck stepped inside, that it truly sank in.

Buck was older now, his face lined and his shoulders broader. His hair had streaks of silver, and his movements were slower but steady. He carried himself with a confidence that hadn’t been there before, though his eyes carried something else—something heavier. He looked just as Tommy knew he would—familiar in a way that was both comforting and heartbreaking.

Tommy couldn’t speak much yet, his throat raw from disuse. But he mustered all the strength he had, letting a faint smile curl across his lips. “Hey,” he rasped, the words barely audible.

Buck froze, his eyes wide, his breath catching in his chest. He blinked rapidly, his hands trembling as they curled into fists at his sides. “H-hey,” he whispered back, his voice thick with emotion. He was holding back tears, but Tommy could see how close he was to breaking.

For a moment, they just looked at each other, two men who had been separated by time and silence. Buck pulled a chair closer and sat down, reaching out to rest a hand lightly on the edge of Tommy’s bed. The room was quiet, save for the faint hum and beeps of the machines tommy still needed.

After a long pause, Tommy rasped out, “She… left?”

Buck frowned slightly, confused. “What?” he asked, his voice unsure, like he didn’t quite remember. For him, he said that line years ago—he couldn’t know that for Tommy, it was as vivid as yesterday.

Tommy hummed softly, gathering strength. “You said… she left. Who?”

The realization hit Buck slowly, he sat back slightly, as though reaching into a distant memory. “Oh…” His shoulders sank, and his eyes grew impossibly sad. “Amelia—uh… my wife,” he said quietly, almost stumbling over the words, his voice hollow. “She died… a car accident.”

Tommy’s eyes softened, filled with sorrow. His throat ached as he struggled to speak, his voice hardly above a whisper. “Sorry,” he said hoarsely. “Must’ve been… hard.”

Buck’s head shot up at that, his brows furrowing. He stared at Tommy, almost disbelieving, his lips parting in surprise. It was hard. It had been one of the hardest things he’d ever gone through. Losing Amelia had left him a widower, his kids without their mother. It had left a hole he still carried, even now. But for a moment, he couldn’t process that Tommy—frail and still recovering from decades of silence—was the one trying to comfort him.

A faint, disbelieving laugh escaped him, almost reflexive. He shook his head, his voice soft and tinged with disbelief. “Are you really saying that?” he whispered, a sad smile tugging at his lips.

And then he froze, his breath catching as his eyes widened. His voice faltered when he spoke again. “Wait… y-you… you heard?”

Tommy nodded faintly, a small, almost fragile smile on his lips. “Everything,” he rasped, the word carrying the weight of decades.

And it hit Buck—all at once. Everything. Tommy had heard it all. The stories about Alex and Emma, the confessions, the heartbreak, the joy, the grief. Twenty-two years of words poured into a void Buck had thought was empty, but Tommy had been there the whole time, trapped and silent. Listening. Always listening.

The realization broke something in Buck. His face crumpled as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees, one hand covering his mouth as the first sob escaped him. His shoulders shook as he cried, the weight of twenty-two years crashing down on him in a way he hadn’t expected.

Tommy wanted to reach out, to tell him it was okay, but his body still wouldn’t cooperate. All he could do was whisper again, “Evan, it’s okay. I’m here now.”

But for Buck, the guilt and pain of all those years spent talking to someone he thought couldn’t hear him—and the thought of what Tommy must have felt, locked inside his own body—was too much. He thought how he had left Tommy alone longer and longer over the years, how his visits had decreased while Tommy was still there, still listening, still waiting.

He stayed there for a moment, head in his hands, as Tommy lay quietly, his faint smile never wavering.

Then Buck quickly wiped his face, taking a deep, steadying breath. He began to talk to Tommy about things—about Alex, about Emma, about life in general. He spoke softly, a little hesitantly, like he wasn’t quite sure where to start or how much Tommy could take. But he kept going, filling the space with the sound of his voice, just like he always had.

As Buck stood to leave, he turned back toward Tommy and leaned down slightly. “I’ll help you,” he said firmly. “No matter what, I’ll be here whenever I can. I promise.” He paused, his voice softening. “I’ll bring Alex and Emma to visit. They know you, Tommy. They love you.”

That lit something small in Tommy’s face—a faint glimmer in his eyes, the tiniest upward curve of his lips. He nodded weakly, his voice hoarse as he whispered, “Thanks.”

But later, when the room was empty again, and he was alone again… Tommy stared at the ceiling, his chest aching, tears slipping silently down his cheeks. He thought about the years he’d spent hiding behind lies, about the fleeting years when he’d finally embraced who he was, and about the decades he’d spent trapped in silence, invisible to the world.

He’d lost so much time. Too much time.

And now he didn’t know if he’d ever get any of it back.

Thirty-three years pretending. Seven years living. Twenty-two years lost.

What was left for him now?

[genderqueerdykes]

tired transmasc from earlier. My discomfort with those who believe in "transandrophobia" is not from self-hate nor from radfems. It’s from listening to transfems. And I don’t believe men or masculinity are bad at all!! I am in community with with men and mascs and with women + fems all the time. It’s just plain ignorant to say we don’t have male privilege and are actually oppressed for being men. We do have privilege. The whole "everyone is saying men are evil!!" thing sounds so much like incel behaviour it’s really off putting.

hello again! thanks for dropping by, let me see if i can help explain things better, and as to why it's not okay to put down other trans men and deny that they are experience oppression just because you, one person, believes they are not. dont take this personally, but much like gravity, you not believing in it doesn't mean it's not happening. it's happening, you're just refusing to acknowledge it. this is the equivalent of plugging one's ears and humming when someone else starts talking

i'm gonna call this behavior for what it is, because yourself & every other self-flagellating trans man & transmasc who says transandrophobia doesn't exist because it belittles trans women are just hurting people ON PURPOSE with a thin guise of saying "listen to trans women!!!!!" i really hope you understand that trans women can see through that. we can tell that you're doing this specifically to hurt people, not to give trans women a platform to stand on. you think you are telling people to listen to trans women, but what you are doing is SILENCING trans men & mascs in order to do that. you can't do that to your own gender. you're silencing yourself in the process. you're participating in transmasculine erasure and this is not a good thing. don't be proud of that. don't be proud of erasing the things your siblings go through.

I have to be really, really honest with you and tell you that this kissing up to trans women for brownie points stuff is really, really obvious and none of us like it. Like I'm not being mean. Please don't take this in a sarcastic tone. I am stock serious when I say that trans women & transfems can tell when you are doing things to pander to us to act like you care about transfems and transfemininity. We can tell this is desperate virtue signalling to not look transmisogynistic and nothing else. I'm serious. You are hating people on purpose with the guise of trying to help trans women. You do not have to silence someone else in order to let trans women talk and listen to them.

If you do not want transfems & trans women to be silenced: do not silence someone else. You do not solve this problem by silencing someone else. We solve the problem by listening to each other, not forcing the other to sit in silence while only one person talks. You don't solve the problem by doing that exact thing to someone else. You're creating a new problem.

privilege is a power structure, trans men do not suddenly shoot up from oppressed woman to neurotypical cishet white able bodied man in terms of status in society. i need people to get this into their heads that trans men do not and will not ever shoot directly up the privilege ladder and instantly become abusive and predator and holding power over all the other queers. like this is completely fabricated. you can stop believing that now, it's quite literally made up by trans/rad fems because they do not interact with trans men irl to see that they struggle.

trans men are not oppressed for being men: they're oppressed for being TRANS men. the trans part is what they're being oppressed for. do you not see transmascs and trans men as trans? because if so that is highly disturbing. and don't call that "regular transphobia" because that's not true and you know it isn't trans men and mascs are oppressed... for being TRANS men. seriously. you gotta stop focusing on "men bad" so hard that you literally forget that trans men are trans. back it up. like seriously i'm dead serious. back it up one step. before you focus on the "man" part, think about the "trans" part and how you're basically denying that trans men are trans because you are so wrapped up in radfem hate. TRANS men do not become cis men after they come out. they don't become cis men after transitioning. this, quite literally, is transandrophobia. what you said right there is an example of transandrophobia. sober up, you are not thinking clearly.

the thing is that we do not have male privilege wholesale as a group. that is a lie you have been told. you have to realize most trans men never gain any form of cishet male privilege. some trans men may pass well, but if the word gets out that they're trans, they are no longer respected or viewed as a man at all. especially if you're a man of color. trans men may have an amount of privilege depending on the situation, like being someone's manager, but it is not male privilege in every situation, nor is it anywhere near the privilege that cishet perisex white abled men have.

when we have this type of conversation, we are assuming that all trans men are 100% cis passing who will never be questioned. which happens, but that does not mean those trans men do not struggle. in fact, trans men like that suffer greatly in terms of reproductive care. cis passing trans men are often outright denied reproductive care, and some need that to live. some need to see a gynecologist for a variety of reasons, and being a cis passing man can shoot you in the foot. trans men struggle in health care almost universally. trans men are constantly misgendered in medical settings, and are very often treated as though they are cis women by medical staff no matter what. trans men and mascs are also very commonly assaulted by doctors and other medical professionals

most trans men do not get paid more at their jobs. trans men struggle to get promotions. trans men struggle to get employment in male dominated fields. most trans men still deal with homelessness, sexual assault, physical assault, domestic violence, addiction, misogyny and more. trans men deal with corrective rape. trans men deal with stalking. trans men do not magically have it better in society the second they come out. it creates a whole new host of problems

gaslighting strangers and telling them they're not being abused and oppressed isn't helping anyone. i'm serious. please stop this behavior because you are the one hurting people. care about trans men and mascs. you don't have to throw transmascs and trans men under the bus in order for trans women to be heard. we don't need to be pandered to like this. it's not flattering or helping anyone. you don't need to kiss up to people who literally hate your gender.

i need you to understand that people who talk like this hate transmascs and trans men. they don't like you. they don't care about you. leave those kinds of environments. you're going to regret it if you don't. if you're thinking about your oppression aaalllll day long its all you're ever gonna see and eventually, it's gonna crush you under its weight. be careful. that's dangerous thinking.

[rhiannonsknife]

rhiannon lewis finds out that reader is pregnant and gets super duper protective and ends up killing someone that gets wayyy to close to reader?

─ pregnant!reader & rhiannon.

i kind of changed the plot a little, i hope you don’t mind anon! <3 (otherwise i can always write some more for you!!)

when you first tell rhiannon you’re pregnant, she promises to be better…

…for you, for the baby, for the future you’re building together. “no more losing my temper. no more…you know,” she promises, her hand over yours. “it’s not just me anymore. i get that!”

and she’s true to her word-at first: rhiannon keeps her head down, biting her tongue even when someone at work is being condescending or some random guy brushes too close to you in public. you can tell it’s hard for her, but she’s genuinely trying. “for you and the baby,” she murmurs, giving you a tight smile whenever she reins herself in.

but rhiannon never quite loses those extremely protective instincts of hers. they only worsen over the course of your pregnancy.

one day, she overhears a coworker talking about your pregnancy in a way that immediately sets her on edge: it starts innocently enough, but then they mutter something under their breath, something dismissive like: ‘i don’t know how they’re going to handle a kid. people like them never do’

the sheer audacity of someone questioning your ability to be a good parent makes her blood boil. rhiannon grips the edge of her desk, trying to stay calm, but her hands are trembling. “you don’t get to decide what she’s ready for,” she snaps. the coworker turns, startled, but she’s already stepping closer. “she’s going to be the best mom, better than anyone you know! so don’t- don’t talk like you know anything about her!”

the coworker tries to brush past her, muttering, “whatever, psycho.” under his breath.

that night, rhiannon comes home late.

she tries to slip into the bathroom unnoticed, but you catch her: she’s still breathing heavily and there’s blood on her shirt. someone else’s, you realize, not hers. “rhiannon,” you say, your voice thick with worry. even though you can already imagine at this rate, you ask: “what happened?”

“i didn’t mean for it to happen,” she says the moment she sees you, her voice breaking. “i swear, i tried to walk away. i was doing so good, wasn’t i? but they-“ rhiannon cuts herself off, swallowing hard. “they were saying awful things about you and the baby, and i couldn’t…i couldn’t just let it go!”

you gently take her hands, inspecting the bruises, and she winces under your touch. “rhiannon, what did you do?” “they said you couldn’t do this! that you wouldn’t be a good mom,” she whispers. “i couldn’t let them get away with it, and-” rhiannon looks down, ashamed. “i know i promised. i know i said i’d stop…”

honestly, you’re torn between frustration and understanding. you hate that she let herself lose control, but a part of you is touched by just how determined rhiannon defends you. “rhee, you can’t keep doing this,” you mumble, gently cupping her face. “not for me, not for the baby. we need you here. do you understand that?”

she nods, clutching your hand like it’s the only thing grounding her. “i’m sorry,” she whispers, her voice cracking. “i’ll fix it. i’ll fix everything!”

— nsfw below the cut. mdni.

alternatively: rhiannon who instantly begs for your forgiveness.

she drops to her knees in front of you as she grabs for your hands. “i’ll do better,” she pleads, pressing the side of her face to your stomach. “please. i’ll do better, i’ll do better, i’ll do better”

you can see how much she’s struggling with this, how scared she is of losing you, and it does soften your heart.

but it also gives you a fluttering sensation that shoots through your abdomen as rhiannon presses kisses to your hands, all the way up your wrists, murmuring ‘i can be good’ over and over again. “i’ll be so good for you. please let me prove it.”

“rhee,” you manage to whisper, but whatever you were about to say vanishes when she presses another kiss to your palm, then nuzzles her face into it. blame the pregnancy hormones. either way, she doesn’t have to chance to wash off before you fall into bed together, the incident momentarily forgotten.

her apologies spill from her lips as she undresses you, her hands tracing patterns over your skin. “i’m sorry,” she husks. “for everything. for scaring you. i’m so sorry, baby.”

you cup her face, trying to silence her, but she presses kisses to every inch of you: your hands, the curve of your shoulder, the swell of your belly…when her mouth finally finds its way lower, your breath catches and you grab the bedsheets tightly.

rhiannon has never been like this before, so unguarded and openly apologetic, muttering soft sorries to every inch of your skin she touches.

that night, for reasons beyond you, she makes you cum harder than you ever have before, muttering apologies even with her tongue inside you.

when rhiannon puts her mouth on you, her hands leave bloody prints on either side of your stomach. the sight sends a thrill to you. a thrill you’re surprised to find you enjoy. this would normally be rhiannon’s thing, but oh well!!

she notices the way your breathing changes and glances up at you, past the bump to meet your eyes. “you okay?”

you nod, biting your lip. “don’t stop,”

when you’re both tangled together in the sheets afterwards, rhiannon holds you close, running a hand through your hair as she whispers, “i’ll be good. i’ll be the woman you need me to be.”

you snuggle against her, your head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. “i know,” you reply softly, pressing a kiss to her skin. “i know, rhiannon.”

[wlwsoccerfics]

We always have eachother(AlessiaRussoXEllaTooneXBronzeReader)

Warnings: mental health struggles, Breakup, Asthma

Summary: it's always the three of you. whatever happens you always protect one another.

It was the first day of national camp. you arrived together with Alessia, which made sense. You were best friends and Arsenal teammates after all. She told you a joke which made you laugh. "Having fun without me, i See!" Ella said as she jumped right in your way. The two of you laugh and you pull her in for a hug. "Barely!" You told her. "We missed you!" Alessia answered. "That was the right answer, losers!" Ella replied. You and Alessia couldn't help but laugh.

The two would be rooming together while you were rooming with Beth. Which you didn't mind at all. You two were good friends after all. Altough you are a bit surprised that you are not sharing a room with your older sister Lucy. "Baby Bronze!" You hear someone yell, turning around you saw that it was Beth. "Meado! Hey. Looks like we are roommates!" You tell her, and hug her. She hugged you back. "I know! Great News! But please have your little Girl group meeting somewhere else! In the room these two weirdos share!" She pointed at Ella & Lessi, grinning softly. Of course she was only joking. "Hey!" They both yell out at the same time, which made you giggle. "Promise! But those weirdos are my best friends! And i am a weirdo as well! Normal is boring!" You told her. Placing an arm around both of your best friends. "They are my Lifeline!" You said. "We can't survive without eachother! Alessia answered. "Everyone knows, kiddo! And i agree! Normal is indeed boring!" Beth replied.

You went to put your stuff in your room while Less & Toone did the same and you promised to meet up in an hour in the gaming room to hang out with the rest of the team. Beth already went there so it was just you in there. You were about to put away your sneakers when you got a Text Message from your girlfriend:

Hey y/n,

I am breaking up with you.

Have been seeing someone new.

You are free to do whatever now.

So am i.

Bye.

You stare at the heartless message of your now ex girlfriend. When you tried to call her you found out that she had blocked you. Tears were forming in your eyes. You really thought she was the one and even had brought a ring cause after Camp you wanted to propose to her. 3 years down the drain. You texted Less & Ella right away. Sending am SOS in your group Chat cause you could feel a Panic Attack coming. Or possibly an Asthma attack. All you knew was that you struggled with your breathing. Your chest hurt, every single breath you took felt like you just ran a marathon.

Your two best Friends were alarmed and dropped everything as soon as they saw your text. running to your room. Pushing the door open to find you sitting on the floor, leaned against the bed. Holding your chest, your breathing was more like a wheezing sound now. "Y/n!" Ella yelled out. "Where is your inhaler?!" Alessia asked, the Panic in her voice was evident, cause she knew what your Asthma attacks looked like. Both of them did cause they have witnessed a few of those. "Can't find." You somehow managed to get out. "I have one in my Backpack!" Ella replied and went to grab it from the room she shared with Lessi. Alessia tried to help you. Making sure you don't freak out even further and that you were sitting up as straight as possible cause anything else could make breathing even harder for you. "It all will be okay, y/n! I promise! I won't let anything happen to you." She said softly. You were quite thankful for your best friends. They are your platonic soulmates that's for sure. Ella came back running in. Kneeling down in front of you, placing the inhaler in your mouth, pushing down on it while you sucked in some air, thankfully the inhaler was working cause If that wouldn't have worked anymore you would have had to go to the hospital, which probably was your least favorite place on earth.

Alessia and Ella helped you to sit down on the bed a few minutes later because you still were quite weak on your knees after the asthma attack. "Good thing you have one of my inhalers for emergencies in your bags or that would have been a hospital trip!"you tell Ella. "I am glad you don't have to go to the hospital. We both know how much you hate them!" Ella replied. "Yeah and we can't really blame you for that! But y/n? What caused this Asthma attack?" Alessia wanted to know. You looked down and started biting down on your bottom lip. Trying to keep the tears in. Handing your two best friends your phone to show them the text from your ex. They read them while you tear up again. Alessia pulling you close and into a hug. Running a hand over your back gently. The two knew about your plan of proposing and how much you Love your now ex. You were hurt right now and they could feel your pain. "She doesn't deserve you!" Ella answered. "You are the best girlfriend anyone could ask for and it's her loss because she won't ever find someone as funny, cool and pretty as you! Not to mention your talent! You are one of the best football players of this generation!" Lessi told you. "hell yes to what Lessi said!" Ella stated. "You two really are the best." You answered.

You laid inbetween your two best friends. They were holding you, you were sleeping. Beth walked in with Lucy though cause they wondered why the three of you were missing out on team hangout in the gaming room. Both Beth and Lucy could tell that something had happened. Because of you sleeping in the middle of the day and your best friends being awake. Cause you did nap together sometimes. But usually you would all be asleep. The Situation right now obviously was them being protective of you. "Hey, what's wrong with Y/n?" Your older sister asked, she was quite concerned. "She had an Asthma attack." Lessi told her. "Oh my god, why didn't you tell me?" Lucy wanted to know. "We handled things. She is resting now!" Ella answered. "Thanks for helping her. Next time please let me know though?" Lucy stated. Alessia nodded her head in agreement ."What caused this asthma attack?" Beth was curious, wanting to make sure to keep whatever trigger it was away from you. "She needs to tell the two of you on her own!" Toone explained.

You did tell people the story about what was going on and explained everything to them, including the planned proposal. Before you told the whole Team you had a private talk with Lucy & Beth about it.

The next few weeks have been good for you. Everyone helped to cheer you up. Your biggest supporters have been your two best Friends. Like always...well and a certain blonde, tattoo loving FC Bayern Munich player. Georgia was really putting in the work to make you feel better. She got you flowers, went on walks with you, partnered with you during drills...little did you know that by the next Camp you two would already be together as a couple. Lessi & Ella did see it coming though.

[ivoryrebellionmess]

Spooky remorses IV

Part I Part 2 Part 3

Summary: You dated Jax for a year and a half, it was great. You fought sure, but that's a given if you´re both stubborn (and he's constantly in danger). Gemma didn't like the relationship, and she made sure that it ended. Now, months after the breakup, your friend takes you to a Halloween party that just happens to be SAMCRO´s.

warnings: 18+, mdni

A/N: I hope you like it, I´m so thankfull for every interaction with my posts. I love you guys so much <3

tw: foul language, kinda hooking up with your ex, jealous jax, smoking,a little bit of spice, alcohol, gemma being mean af

Word count: 5k

Staying alone in Jax´s room would only bring overthinking and second-guessing your presence there, so you decided to go search for a friendly face to distract you from every mistake you´d made in the last three hours.

The party was decaying fast, a few members still around drinking and chatting. You spotted Chibs sitting at the bar, and smiled to yourself, knowing he'd give you shit for…well, everything. 

Chibs looked up from his beer when you sat down next to him, brows raising in curiosity and mischief. But he said nothing, waiting for you to set the tone of the conversation.

So, with a defeated sigh, you did exactly that, ¨Go ahead, lay it on me¨. 

The scot laughed, but did not miss his chance. ¨Ya two were putting on quite the show out there, I thought you were gonna rip each other's clothes off on the spot¨.

You just laughed, what else was there to do?. ¨That bad huh?¨

The scot had a look in his eyes that could only be matched by a kid on Christmas morning, he had clearly missed having you around to give you a hard time. And he clearly had some more to add, ¨Oh, it was damn near pornographic. The way-¨

¨Oookay okay, i know i was there, remember?¨, he seemed pleased with himself watching your face redden under the dim lighting of the clubhouse. 

He turned a bit more serious, even if still wearing a shit-eating grin on his face. He hesitated before speaking again.

¨Seriously, though? I thought I was watching one of those cheesy movies you like. Next thing I know you´ll be confessin´your true love on a beach at night¨

You scoffed a laugh, but answered nothing. This was his way of telling you there was more than sexual tension there, and that he did not think it was a bad idea to pursue whatever else was brewing between you tonight. But of course Chibs liked you together, they all did, because you leveled Jax. When you dated he got into fewer fights, he didn't make reckless decisions, and he was in a better mood, which everyone thanked. The other side wasn't so pretty, knowing you'd always come second to his brothers, worrying about him whenever he was on a run, patching him up after, learning how to shoot and defend yourself `just in case`,...

Did you love him? Of course you did, that was the only reason you put up with it, until it became too much. You couldn't let yourself get dragged back into all of it. 

Jax was the kind of guy everyone wants to date: charming, hot, loving, all that mixed with the rush of the danger that came along with being a part of the club. Everyone doesn't know what it feels like, alone in your bed at 3 am, wondering if the cops got them, or the deal went wrong and they´re in a fight, or if he's dead on the side of the road. 

Chibs could almost hear your brain whirring and clicking, so he mentioned someone he knew you wouldn't resist talking about. ¨Gemma was about ready to explode¨.

You tried, and failed, not to laugh, ¨She burst in the room while I was cleaning Jax up¨.

Chibs matched your vibe instantly. No matter how much he loved Gemma, she'd been awful to you since day one, playing a main role in your breakup. So yeah, he´d relish a bit in her misery.

¨Wish I could've seen her face¨, he laughed, ¨What'd she say?¨.

You straightened your back, imitating her body language, ¨I'm his mother and I know what's best for him¨. A quick laugh flew from your throat before speaking again, in your own voice this time. ¨ You know, the usual¨.

A silly smile, a gentle one, invaded your face. Chibs just gave you your own time to say whatever caused it. And you did, in a lower voice, as if saying it aloud would make it not be real.

¨He actually stood up to her, he defended me¨, biting your lip, as much as you tried, did nothing to hide the stupid grin plastered on your face. And for the bare fucking minimum that is.

A look of respect crossed his face, eyebrows rising in surprise. Before saying anything else, he took a sip of his beer, letting the revelation sink in.

¨Did he now? That takes some serious balls¨. You nodded, looking down at your hands with that stupid lovesick look still on your face. 

Only then you realized, you´d been patching him up, he was beat and he´d need meds. ¨Hey you got some painkillers? big guns, he's messed up¨.

His stare got serious for a second, going over what he had. After a few seconds he dug in the inside pocket of his kutte and handed you a plastic bag with around ten pills inside. As he opened his mouth to give you the indications, you got up, interrupting him. 

¨Bed rest, no alcohol, what else doc?¨. You felt like a student again, eagerly answering questions about what should be done with patients. 

A smirk played on his lips, wanting to get back at you for cutting him off. ¨I wouldn't encourage any `physical activities´ tonight, let the boy rest¨. Once again, the familiarity of being in a situation you´d been in a dozen times before stirred something inside you.

It was comforting in a way, it felt like home. 

And, as so many times in the past, you promised it wouldn't happen. The difference was that you meant it. Chibs´s knowing look followed you, he sensed the tension that still lingered between the two of you. He also knew you were more than capable of handling Jax, which meant he could go to bed and not give a fuck. At least for tonight.

You made your way to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water and looked around for something to eat. You were tired and not in the mood for cooking, or a full meal, but Jax needed to eat something. He'd try to resist, he was awfully stubborn and he hated depending on people.

It was ironic really, he got himself into needing to be looked after. There was chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer, so after grabbing two spoons, you made your way back to Jax´s room. 

Chibs was no longer by the bar when you passed it, so you breathed deep and continued on your way. The shower was still running as you set the ice cream and water on the bedside table. It had been a long time, Jax was most likely standing there, letting the hot water soothe his aching muscles. Instead of disturbing him, you decided to lay on the bed. So you took off your shoes and closed your eyes, letting the humming of the shower relax you. 

After a good ten minutes the water stopped flowing, and shuffling sounds made their way to your ears.

Jax came out of the bathroom and stood on the doorway, honest surprise in his face at the sight in front of him. It had been a long time since you´d laid on his bed, especially so relaxed. 

Betting that he´d only be wearing a towel, you did not dare open your eyes, knowing the sight could be enough to send you into an early grave. His toned body wet, water dripping from his hair and beard onto his chest, down his abs, the towel low on his hips, a very visible happy trail,...

¨So you didn't fall down and drown¨, you simply stated.

Jax´s chuckle turned into a wince rather quickly, you furrowed your brows. You did not get a chance to ask how he was feeling when he retorted jokingly, ¨Managed to stay upright, darlin´, thanks for your concern¨

You felt it when he sat by your feet at the end of the bed, you also heard him groan. Finally opening your eyes, you offered some help. ¨Need a hand? Getting dressed?¨. The forming bruises on his back looked weirdly good, complimenting his tattoo.

Your question was met with silence as he glanced down at his body, probably trying to figure out a way to do it on his own.

There wasn't one, he was battered.

Jax chuckled wryly, admitting defeat. ¨My arms are sore and my ribs are killing me¨.

Of course he wouldn't admit to needing help, god he was like a kid sometimes. So you stood up and walked to his closet, hoping a little joke would make him feel better .

¨What are you feeling? casual chic? eleganza extravaganza? cocktail attire?¨. His dry laugh once again led to a wince, but his humour didn't falter, ¨I ain't´exactly feelin´up to a fashion show at the moment¨.

You shrugged, ¨As you like¨, grabbing grey sweatpants and a white shirt, ¨You ready?¨. He looked up at you when you made your way back to him, nodding slowly.

He took a deep breath as he sat straighter, ¨Ready as I´m gonna be¨. When he looked up at you, the vulnerability in his eyes got to your heart. You would've done anything to make him feel better, that had always been the issue. 

So you smiled at him, you couldn't help yourself. The cold nurse was long gone, you now were the girl that had fallen hard for him. ¨You´ve been worse, right? This is a walk in the park¨. Jax chuckled through the pain.

¨Been worse, I´ll give you that. A walk in the park might be an exaggeration¨, you caressed his shoulder as he kept talking, ¨I´m trying my best not to pass out and you´re here all smiles like you don't have a care in the world¨. 

¨You are what I care about right now¨. And before you could stop yourself, you were leaning in and pecking the side of his mouth. Sure, it wasn't a proper kiss, but still, what the fuck were you doing?.

Jax was clearly caught off guard, and when you stepped back a smile was tugging at the corner you´d just pecked.

¨You can't just go around doin´that¨, his voice was a bit hoarse, ¨I aint supposed to get excited right now, darlin´¨

The fact that he was joking was a good sign, but had nothing to do with the smile lingering on your face. ¨Okay, whatever, you know it wasn't like that¨, you laughed, handing him the sweatpants.

You kept on bossing him around as you made your way back to his closet, ¨Put those on and I´ll help you with the shirt¨, you looked over your shoulder at the bruise on his ribs and muttered under your breath, ¨That´ll be trickier¨.

You paid more attention to his groans than the clothes you were picking to change into, and decided he was fine. As fine as he could, given the circumstances. 

Jax finally managed to get the sweatpants over his hips, not missing a chance to rile you up when he noticed what you were doing. ¨You´re not stealing my clothes when I am on the verge of death, are you?¨.

The amusement in his voice made you smile, ¨Well I'm not sleeping like this¨, you vaguely gestured to your dress.

He loved the idea of you sleeping next to him, wearing his clothes. ¨You could always sleep naked¨. He spoke low enough that you had to make an effort to hear him, turning around to see his grin. And that may have been a bad move, a flash of the past crossing your mind…Jax, giving you that same grin, from between your thighs. 

Somehow you managed to answer casually, not letting your true feelings show, ¨You´re not supposed to get excited, remember?¨

¨´course I remember, it doesn't mean i can appreciate the view¨. Something more important than the banter between you came up, a pair of leggings. Not any pair, your favourite ones. The ones you haven't been able to find since the breakup. ¨They were here all this time?¨

Jax chuckled, knowing how much you loved them. ¨Found ´em a few months ago¨, the ghost of a smile danced on his face, ¨Looks like they found their way back to you¨

You bit your lip, pleased with your finding, and pulled out a zip-up hoodie, ¨I think this will be easier to put on¨

You walked up to him, ¨Okay let's go¨, and put his right arm through the sleeve. He didn't complain, so you did the other one. ¨Want me to zip it up?¨.

Jax just nodded, breathing through the pain in his ribs. 

When you were done, you opened his side of the bed, ¨Get in, I´ll be right back¨

You watched as he slowly laid down, playfully pouting at you. ¨You really gonna leave me all alone?¨

You hummed, ¨Yeah, give you some time to think about what you did¨. You heard his chuckle as you went in the bathroom and closed the door.

You changed into your leggings and the shirt you´d originally gotten for him and looked in the mirror. You honestly looked way better than you expected, so you washed your face and took the fangs off. 

Jax looked up when he heard the doorknob twisted, and he had to stop himself from smiling when he saw you. His heart ached to have you back in his life. He nodded at the space next to him and you made your way over, grabbing the ice cream on the way. He didn't need to hear it to know you wanted him to eat something, even if he did not feel like it, so he took that to his advantage. He grabbed the ice cream and patted the bed next to him. ¨I´ll eat if you lay down with me¨

You both knew you couldn't say no to him, so why even try? You sat next to him, handing Jax one of the spoons and burying your own on the ice cream tub. He kissed your temple, ¨Thanks for taking care of me, I know I can be stubborn¨.

Finally you accepted it , you were in too deep, and you didn't care. Maybe tomorrow morning you would, you'd regret everything. ¨You really are insufferable, baby¨.

Both of your hearts jumped at the pet name, yet decided to play it nonchalant, focusing on the ice cream. 

¨I aint that bad, just a little stubborn is all¨. His playful look was met with your incredulous one, ¨A bit-?¨.

He laughed, knowing he was an absolute ass at times, ¨Dont lie, you love it¨.

Shaking your head at his smugness, you handed him two pills.  ¨Please, knock yourself out¨.

A little while after taking them, Jax felt the pain starting to dull and his head getting drowsy. Still, he tried to stay awake, to enjoy five more minutes of your company. Even if that was just laying next to you while you ate the whole ice cream. 

¨You really think I´m that bad, huh?¨. He mumbled, a smile on his face.

You placed the empty container on the bedside table and laid on your side, looking at him. ¨Not at all¨, your voice was barely above a whisper.  

Jax´s eyelids were heavy, the meds really starting to work, you could tell he was making an effort to keep his eyes from closing. 

¨I'd hate to have you think I am an insufferable ass¨.

You´d already fucked up by ending in his bed, so what was another tiny mistake? You leaned in and softly kissed him, whispering against his lips. ¨Well yeah, but you´re my insufferable ass¨.

His heart skipped a beat, he gently kissed you, one of his hands softly grazing your hip. ¨Damn you¨. What he wanted to damn, more than you, was the effect you still had on him.

You bumped your nose against his, teasing him. ¨Nice thing to say after I took care of you¨.

He snorted, now laying on his back. ¨You know what I mean¨, he gave you a lazy smile, ¨Not fair, kissin´me when I'm high and can't do nothin´about it¨.

He looked relaxed from the side, you could tell he was almost asleep, ¨You got bigger things to worry about¨.

The ever-present smirk on his face did not falter, ¨Do I now, like what?¨.

God, how he managed to still be so cocky you would never understand. You were a close second though, only giving him a pointed look for an answer. And he knew what you meant, of course he did, but how could he not tease you a little?

He put the best innocent facade he could muster before side eyeing you, ¨You´re gonna have to be a little more specific, darlin´¨ .

You just laughed under your breath, ¨What a fucking ass¨.

He was a sucker for you, living for moments like these, living for you. ¨Aren't you supposed to be nursing me back to health?¨, you were scooting closer before you knew it, ¨And here I thought you were doing it because you care about me or somethin´¨.

¨Oh my god how long do these meds take to work¨, you playfully teased, ¨there are no laws against insulting you while I heal you, baby¨.

¨You´re a real piece of work, y´know that?¨, he was slurring, the pills finally getting to him. 

You just shushed him, caressing his face, ¨Sleep now¨.

Jax could barely fight it, but he found the strength to ask you one last thing. ¨You´re not gonna disappear on me while I sleep, are you?¨.

You didn't let yourself think about it for too long before reassuring him that you'd stay. He finally fell into a deep, medicated sleep. When the stress was finally gone, you realized how tired you actually felt. It did not take long for you to close your eyes and drift off next to him.

About six hours later, a pair of blue eyes slowly opened under furrowed brows. The first thing Jax had felt when consciousness returned to him had been pain. It wouldve been very romantic that you were the first thing on his mind, sure, but that´s just not how life works sometimes. 

The ribs on his left side, his fists, the back of his head, it was as if every single part of him was hurting.

Your stirring finally reminded him of…well, everything that had happened. Its not that he didnt remember what had happened, but considering he hit his head Jax just assumed it had been a dream. 

It hadnt though.

You looked peaceful, the ghost of a smile gracing your lips. You´d looked beautiful last night, but this was better. No worry lines on your face, no furrowed brows, just a smile. 

Cute as this moment was, his body had other plans. Jax slowly sat up, trying not to wake you. It was hard, even through his gritted theet, he could not help but groan. 

You rubbed your eyes, barely able to get words out of yourself. ¨Hey, hey, hey dont move¨.

All his feelings of gratitude and desire to prove he was a better man were quickly overrun by annoyance at his own aching body, ¨I know¨, his back was facing you. 

¨But I gotta piss¨. His voice was rough and a little aggressive, you just sighed and laid back on the bed.

The blond may not have evolved, but you sure had. You matched his passive aggression and just stayed there, eyes closed, pretending to sleep. Some time ago, you´d have force fed him painkillers and treated him carefully, but that wasnt you anymore. Not the sober you anyways.

So, after a couple tries, he had no choice but to ask for your assistance. ¨Help me up?¨. A few second of deafening silence. ¨Please¨

Your lips stil sealed and half asleep, you went to his side and let him use you as a crouch. Jax heavily leaned on you, trying hard to keep silent. Determined to pretend he was fine. 

There was a flaw on his plan, he needed your help to make it to the bathroom.

Based on experience this was just his body warming up, after a little movement he´d be all right on his own. Almost.

¨Feels like a truck run me over¨, he tried to joke. His shitty morning attitude had bothered you so you kept quiet. 

That was until you were halfway to the bathroom and all of his weight was on you, risking his mood worsening, you asked. ¨Want me to get one of the boys?¨

That struck a nerve, someone seeing him weak? No way. He tensed up and stopped walking. 

¨I can do it myself¨, you could barely hear him through his gritted teeth. 

Fearing your reaction if you pushed it, you scoffed and urged him to keep moving. He played it tough, stubborn as he was. Anyone couldve been able to tell that he was in a lot of pain.

Jax looked at your face for the first time when he leaned on the doorframe, his voice was soft when he spoke, even if his words were not. ¨I can take it from here¨.

Raising your hands in surrender, you took a step back. Your voice was cold when you said he had more pills on the bedside table.

You left, mad at him, mad at you. Mad. Just plain mad. 

The biker grunted, closing the door and leaning on the sink, knowing had pissed you off. He did look like shit, pale skin and tired eyes. Jax cursed under his breath, he couldnt bear the thought of anyone seeing him like this, not even you. 

Especially not you.

That´s something you´d never been truly quite grasped. It wasnt so much a macho thing, not with you. When it came to you, it wasnt about bravado. It was about making someone he loved suffer, the hurt in your eyes when they went over his bruises, … A hurt he did not know how to comfort. 

You made your way to the kitchen, expecting it to be empty. If the beginning of the morning had been bad, what would come after was way worse. Gemma was sitting down having a coffee, and you couldn´t stop the groan that crossed your lips.

Gemma smiled slyly, the battle you´d won the prior night fresh in her mind. Fake sweetness laces her voice as you made your way to the coffee maker, ¨Well, well, look who it is¨.

¨Yeah, yeah¨. You didnt even bother wasting energy on her, knowing you´d need it with her hot headed son. 

She sipped her coffee as you put sugar on your own. Her sharp eyes studied your every move, looking for the perfect way to get under your skin, to gather the information she needed. 

If you hadnt known her, you´d have thought the concern in her voice was sincere. 

¨You look tired, sweetheart¨.

Again, no fight in you, everything about you was neutral, even your tone. ¨He just woke up¨, you dryly added.

She wanted to know what had happened, where your relationship stood. You wanted to erase the past night from your brain. 

Gemma´s eyes gleamed as she sensed the tension coming off of you. There was no doubt as far as whose fault that was.

¨And how is he?¨. You sat up on the counter, leaning your head back against the cabinets. ¨You know how he is¨.

 She just smirked, sipping from her mug. ¨Stubborn as a damn mule¨.

Silently, you nodded. Eyes closed, head thrown back, you almost felt calm. Almost. The matriarch studied you quietly. If your eyes had been open you would have seen something close to pride on them. Gemma herself had never been able to pinpoint what exactly she disliked about you. Because it was not you . Your personality, she liked, you were fiery. You could handle her son and you perfectly managed with the rest of the men of the club. Had she been honest with herself, you were too good for this life, it dimmed your light. She had seen you around town with your friends, you looked happier when you didnt have a criminal to worry about constantly.

She rested her forearms on the table, cocking her head as she spoke. ¨Can I ask you something?¨.

There was no spite in her words, and her face seemed softer than you could remember ever seeing it.

For a second you played with the idea of her liking you, being there for you when Jax was being an immature jerk or putting himself in danger. You quickly dismissed it, it wouldnt do you any good to dwell on that. 

You sounded almost playful when you answered, ¨I have a feeling youre gonna ask anyways¨.

She chuckled, you both knew each other all too well to be playing this game. ¨Why are you back?¨.

Once again, no bite behind her question, just plain curiosity. You straightened your position on the counter so you could have a proper conversation. ¨Whats your point?¨. No bite didnt mean you were friends of course, you were still weary.

¨Jax´s better off without you¨, she did not seem as sure of this statement as a few seconds before. Your brows furrowed, defending her son was a pivotal point of Gemma. ¨You two arent good for each other…¨.

It felt like she was holding something back, yet you couldnt figure out what it could possibly be. Gemma´s voice was soft when she finished her sentence, ¨…he makes you into something you´re not¨.

She quickly went back to her usual demeanour, leaning back on her chair, ¨You know it and so do I¨.

It somehow felt like you were walking into something, but not a trap, not exactly. You moved from your spot on the counter to a chair in front of Gemma, and took a sip of coffee before giving into whatever was happening. 

¨What´s that supposed to mean? He makes me into something I´m not?¨. You knew, you agreed, and your eyes reflected it.

But this could not be played as a bonding moment between the two of you, neither of you were ready to navigate that type of relationship. 

¨My boy turns you into a mess, all upset and emotional¨, she eyed your face up and down, ¨exhausted¨. 

Well, yeah, you were stressing over Jax, you´d done that for the whole time you´d dated. What else were you supposed to do when your boyfriend was VP of a literal gang? You worry, that's what you do.

On the other hand, she was right and you couldnt deny it. He turned you into an unstable version of yourself, a not-so-cheery you, … No one could deny that after the initial shock when the breakup happened, you´d had a glow up. It wasnt something physicall, it was all of you. You were relaxed, you were happier. Even if you missed Jax and the bad days felt like absolute shit. If you were honest with youself, that was normal after losing someone important in your life, not a sign that you truly wanted to get back with him.

Gemma could see the turmoil of doubt in your eyes, and maye a little bit of her in you? Getting pregnant had played an important part on her staying with her first husband but what wouldve happened if she hadn´t? And what would happen to you if you stayed? She knew how the club corrupted everyone it touched, and you had managed to escape that once.  Would you be lucky enough to do it twice?

She got up and, before leaving, she added, ¨You already spend your days nursing people back to health¨. You didnt need to be doing it as an extracurricular activity too…

Alone in the kitchen, you finished your coffee, a million thoughts racing in your head. It got too much and you needed space from anything to do with the club. Rushing to the room, you mentally checked where you had left your clothes and purse the night before. 

The room was not empty, he was in the bed. It didnt take long to notice he was asleep. Thank god. 

The pills were nowhere to be seen, so he would not wake up. You hopped in the shower, the hot water numbing your thoughts. Alone in the bathroom, Gemma´s words resonated with you. You forcefully tried to stop that train of thought when your heart started to beat faster and faster. 

Somewhere deeep inside you, you wanted to push Jax away, to protect yourself. He still had a grip on your heart, but that only meant he could still hurt you. What had ahppened last night after all? What had happened this morning?

You dry yourself and put your leggings back on, the shirt still smells like Jax when it goes over your head. You pretend it doesn´t affect you. You grab a gym bag from Jax´s closet and put all of your things inside it.

The tought that leaving with so much of his stuff would probably mean at least another call does cross your mind. You quickly banish it as you put on your heels, not having another shoe option. 

Jax looks innocent when he´s sleeping, no tension on his face, you place a kiss on his cheek. A goodbye? You did not know. 

You chuckle when you look at your outfit on the mirror, the true definition of a walk of shame.

Breathing deeply, you look at him one last time, and walk out. On your way to look for a taxi, you come across Gemma.

No words are exanged, but your eyes are enough. For both of you. It was never about hatred. 

Anxiety swarms your mind as you exit the Sons´ property, would you ever be sure that this had been the right decision? 

[lucy---lou]

Heyi, so update time. So I met up with Miss Duralis at her hab. Imagine my shock as I nervously walk into the hab and get tackle hugged by a floret I don't know about. They were saying something to me but I was just out of it at that moment.

After a while a manage to stutter:" H-He-Hey, I-I didn't knowyouhadafloret."

"I thought you wouldn't come if you knew I had a floret. Btw I tould her not to tackle you but she didn't listen. - Petal introduce yourself."

"Hiiiiiiiii I'm Elena Duralis first floret she/her. You can also call me Ellie. I'm really sorry that I tackled you, but not really you were so cute afterwards. "

"Sure Heyi Elena. Anyways what's for dinner", trying to steer the conversation somewhere into safety.

"We're making pasta from scratch. It will be fun trust me. If you two would follow me into the kitchen please"

"Ok", I answer noticing a certain Ellie basically bouncing alongside me.

As we arrive Ellie blurts out:" Soo we're gone take some flourandeggsandsaltandthen we slowlymicfudjabdbffh"

I just stare at her

"I'm sorry she gets really excited when she's with someone she finds hot. Anyways I don't think Lucy understood anything, Ellie could you please repeat I again but slooowly"

I continue to just stare and now also blushing HARD.

"Ellie to Lucy anybody there? Luuucy answer me did you get it?"

"Hmm? I-I'm sorry", I stammer.

"Oh don't worry. I'll just show you step by step and try not to fry your brain. Come here and slowly mix in the eggs with the flour "

I nod doing what she said.

***********

The rest of the meal prep went fine. Now it's time to eat. I turn to the really tall table and bench and:"aaheeeeeep" Well that solves the issue i think to me self, apparently blushing again.

"Sorry should've thought better than to just pick a kitten up", Duralis said with a grin.

Ellie is deposited next to me, smiling widely. "You didn't tell me I could call you kittennnn that's soso-SO cute"

"I-I ehm em do-", trying to defend my self before being interrupted.

"Well she makes those cute noises and wiggles like one, so I called her one and I think she likes it"

My cheeks are red and I stare a hole into the table. I whisper:"fo-food?"

"Aww kitten is hungry lets eat", Miss Duralis graciously saves me. Thats what I think.

I should have know, but was still surprised as she started feeding Ellie.

"If you keep staring with your mouth open like that. You're going to be feed aswell"

"NO, sorry no need I'll manage myself", answering a alot more aggressive than I wanted to.

"Alright, but you just have to ask"

I nod.

The rest of the meal went by peacefully, without them teasing me.

"Anything else you have planned this evening, would you like me to leave?", I ask as I feel my social battery is basically empty. An attempt to leave, but I know they would never want me to leave. As soon as I finished my sentence Ellie nearly shouts:

"No we haven't cuddled yet, let's watch a movie"

Aaaand this story telling has already gotten way longer than planned. See you in the next blog.

-Lucy

[mirroringdust]

Lucy works on her listening talent during the black winter and finds an unusual way back to Portland Row. A Lockwood and co fic with mind palace and little lotr vibes 😊

When the skull had first told her about it, she had straight up laughed at him. When he hadn’t stopped telling her more, Lucy had no choice but to listen.

After all, there was little distraction and no one else to talk to during this long, meaningless winter she had barricaded herself in. The flat she had lived in since leaving the place she had called home and the people she had belonged to was just that, flat and devoid of light and any sense of comfort. She just stayed here after a job, ate and waited until the next job could distract her. In all the grey fog she tried not to think about, talking to Skull was actually a delight. And during all those days of brooding and aimless gazing out of the window, she was more than grateful to have someone to talk to. Usually, it was his sarcastic comments that got her through the day, making her laugh and forgetting for a moment that she was far from the place that had brought her joy for the first time in her life. Perhaps the skull had noticed, if a floating skull in a jar could notice such trivial things, but sometimes Lucy thought he knew her better than anyone else and knew what and who she was missing.

He mocked her for it, but lately his words had been more serious than usual. He must have watched her stare into the void once too often, or maybe he was bored by her growing silence, but one day in the cold of that winter, he had told her about the concept for the first time. Surely he had wanted to help her, but after she had laughed, Lucy had just raised an eyebrow.

“Locis anthoenius?”

The green flicker in the jar floated angrily. “Don’t play dumb, you can’t be that language numb. Can’t believe I’m even rhyming now. This requires change!”

“I’m not a hundred years old like you. Please enlighten me.” Lucy replied with a tired look.

There was a sort of eye roll. At least that’s what Lucy could interpret by now.

“Lo-cus A-moe-nus.” The skull emphasised each syllable in her mind as if talking to a little child.

Lucy moved across the bed and closer to the windowsill the jar was standing on.

“And what does that mean?”

“It’s something I've heard of. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it.”

Now Lucy got curious, which was probably exactly his intention. “I know it’s like you to play around like that, but I’m really not in the mood.”

“You should be. It’s the only thing that might get us out of this senseless hole, if only for a distracting while.”

“This isn’t a hole!” Lucy rose with a look of indignation.

“It's definitely a mess. There are clothes all over this place.”

“It is not!” She narrowed her eyes, adjusted her position on the bed and looked at her room for what must have been the first time in weeks. She swallowed, it really did look horrible. Clothes lying around everywhere, old parcels from deliveries, a couple of used teacups, shoes scattered around and not in pairs, her equipment - and it did not stop there. The chaos in the other place she had escaped from had been somehow charming, but this was far from it. No wonder she was not feeling well. She made a mental note to clean up this mess later and sighed. "Fine. What is this thing?"

The skull didn’t wait a second for his reply, "a kind of concept. Or some kind of sense that can only be furthered by those who are able to listen, and as you’re someone who can talk to me, perhaps you can do it."

"Do what?" she asked, her voice demanding and annoyed, not sure if this conversation would lead anywhere, but if it could bring some colour to this grey mass, what harm could it do? No more than the weight on her shoulders anyway.

"You can return to a place of… joy, that’s how you’d name it. You need to recall a feeling of a place that feels very strong to you, and you need to remember some details." He paused for a moment. "And I know very well which place you'd like to return to."

[Continue on AO3]

[inkskinned]

oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.

oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.

oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.

which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.

but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.

which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.

and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!

and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.

the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!

and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -

what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.

and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.

[moeblob]

What Deacon thinks: what did that mean? did he want me to wear a collar too? why else would he mention my neck? i mean, if he /asked/ me i would wear one but he didn't so would wearing one be weird?

What Ymber meant: It's nice to be near someone who isn't tethered to this world to serve it with a physical reminder for all to see.

[good-beanswrites]

Just wanted to plant an idea if you wanted a bit of fuel: Mahiru asking Yuno to come to her cell before everything goes down.

Edit: I forgot the ask didn't say it but this is part of Kyanako's incredible Order Of Attack AU!

Didn't mean for this to become a mini Mappi study but here we are ✨ Thank you for the request! I fully intended to write them hanging out, but it's more right before they hang out lol. Went a bit on-the-nose with foreshadowing, but isn't that the fun part? It has become Emotional Over Mahiru Hour...

I kept things vague, but TW for mentioning her boyfriend's state of potential self-harm

Mahiru tried not to act superstitious, she really did. As much as she loved the idea of little luck charms, or avoided easy signs of misfortune, it was easier to keep quiet about such ridiculous things.

Maybe catching a bride’s bouquet meant no guarantees; maybe there was no real harm in stepping underneath ladders, maybe a coin tossed into a fountain had no real magic to its wish. However, the one thing she knew for sure held power was a lucky presence. Being in the right place at the right time could alter everything. And today was the right time for something. There was this waiting in the air. The prison had been holding its breath. Mahiru knew it was time to release it all.

“You must be so lonely, why don’t you let big sis Mahiru keep you company?” She beamed at Amane.

She often recalled the good fortune that she and a certain young man had crossed paths on the university terrace. She used to laugh with him about the wonderful coincidence of bumping into each other outside of the bakery, then the convenience store. 

Though she’d never spoken about it to him, she was also grateful for many occasions where she walked in on him at the precise moment to talk him out of something reckless. She always told him that they’d do everything together. He didn’t need to be alone anymore. 

“I wish to be alone. I need peace of mind to think.” Amane turned away from the cell door.

It was a good thing, too. Mahiru’s smile wasn’t as convincing as she said, “o-oh. Of course.”

She made her way around the panopticon, hearing Fuuta pace his cell in anticipation. He must have felt it too, this holding of breath. 

Or perhaps not. He turned down her offer for a bit of company, including a few more colorful words than Amane had. Mahiru just apologized for bothering him and headed back to her cell. She wasn’t sure where Mikoto was at this hour, but she didn’t feel like smiling through a third rejection.

She shook her head back and forth. She wished the motion could rattle the voices inside, she wished she could shake them all away. With her arms secured in place she could no longer cover her ears. She used to hum to keep them at bay, but lately they’d been too loud to stifle. They just kept on talking.

Their words told her the two were right. Nobody needed her company. No – nobody wanted it. Being together hadn’t helped her boyfriend. In fact, being together had been the very thing that got him killed. No wonder Amane and Fuuta wanted to avoid her. 

So then, this was for the best. She would rather deal with the brief sting of refusal than stumble in one day to find them hurt… or worse. As much as she tried to avoid the superstition of it all, the voices reminded her that her very presence could mean life or death. 

“Mappi, are you alright?” Mahiru hadn’t realized a tear had slipped down her cheek until she hurried to swipe it away in front of Yuno. 

“Hah, I’m fine! Just fine.” It was impossible to fool her, Mahiru had learned, but that never stopped her from trying. 

At least she always spoke tactfully. “Rough morning?”

Mahiru shifted her arms in her uniform, making a small sound of agreement.

“Can I do anything to help? What if I stay with you for a bit? I can do your hair, and…”

The voices were right. Amane and Fuuta knew it, too. Presences did hold power, and Mahiru’s was cursed.

But she would sound foolish admitting such a fear to Yuno. She'd heard plenty from the voices about how stupid and airheaded she was, there was no use in getting the same lecture from someone as grounded as her.

Mahiru managed a weak protest, unable to explain her real reasoning. Yuno was insistent. She didn’t give much of a choice. Could she feel the strangeness of the prison, as well? 

At last, Mahiru allowed her shoulders to sag. Yuno was lucky. And kind. Having her nearby would do her good. Amane and Fuuta would be alright. Mahiru had tried spending more time with them after verdicts were announced. Now, she made a mental note to pull back. If her love couldn’t save anyone, at least she could spare them from her curse. They would be safe. 

“Yes. Please stay. The truth is... I don't want to be alone.”

[nexus-nebulae]

ppl always say that autistics don't get jokes but honestly when has a neurotypical person ever clocked the fact that I've told a clearly telegraphed joke like. I'm the one who takes everything too seriously?

[obnoxiousarcade]

I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think

[zemnarihah]

my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....

[formulapisces]

shamelessly vagueing here and this sounds harsh but jesus some people really need to start realising not everything is about them.

not in a stuck up, the world revolves around me, arrogant way. but in a they’re not laughing about you, they’re not gossiping about you, you’re just insecure, reading into every little thing, hurt and need help type of way.