#and im like. where . where. wherewherewherewhere

[inkskinned]

oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.

oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.

oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.

which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.

but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.

which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.

and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!

and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.

the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!

and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -

what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.

and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.

[p1nkwitch]

⌘ and ✿ for Lonely Eyes with Elias in pain

Aww you know me so well <3

Little bit of an au where his attempted ritual fails and everything goes wrong, plus Peter lives cause I want him to. Lonelyeyes is the ship that keeps on giving.

So enjoy.

✿: feeling so out of it, they need constant attention

⌘: being picked up

It failed-

No.

No,nonon. His life work-

Jonah Magnus, aka Elias Bouchard has the sudden feeling of vertigo hit him and his body slumps on his office. While he twitches in place, the sheer pressure of being seen is so much that it leaves him completely breathless.

He can't move, or think, only feel the metaphorical eye stare him down like a physical force.

The last time he felt this was when he attempted his ritual in the panopticon so long ago.

Elias feels ill all of a sudden, very ill. So with shaky legs he gets up and manages to run off, Rosie stands up to ask, but he shakes his head and tells her she is dismissed. Then he goes.

His mind was doubling itself trying to comprehend, but as if in a fog, everything slipped away. Elias could not focus on anything, he could see but not understand, as if that was being stripped away. With that he realized he did not know what to do, where to go, his boy was on fire and he must look terrible because-

Because people were staring, whispering, knowing and watching and judging and-

Run-

Where-

Wherewherewherewhere-

Where does he go, where is he, who is he-

His mind was spinning and a person tries to approach him, when suddenly he feels-

Blanketed somehow, muffled. The people stop watching and he is left alone and his mind can think straight for a few minutes before it becomes impossible. He needs to go home, needs to go back and-

And rest.

To plan, to get better and find a loophole or something, he has to, Elias needs to find something. He hasn't come this far for it to fail now, but his body betrays him and his knees give out on him, making him fall to the floor. His temperature raises, and he feels himself start to weep slightly all of it for nothing? Is this how it goes? How it ends…

With him slumped on the street, with his archivist running amok-

Him alone….

Jonah lets a few tears in his feverish state and starts to pass out, when he hears something distorted and familiar.

The impossibility makes his shriveled heart ache. Peter Lukas died, and even if he was alive he would not come back for him, not after letting him go to face Jon.

He manages to mumble his name and knows no more.

Elias wakes up again, a miracle, maybe the police found him and got him to a hospital before sending him back again-

Yet he sees his room. He is in bed, wrapped up in sheets, his sluggish mind cant comprehend fully what is going on, but he latches on the familiarity, latches on the safety of the place and what it means.

So slowly he closes his eyes again and sleeps once more.

The next time he wakes up to someone lifting him in a bridal carry, he tries to move away now afraid, but he hears grunting and his eyes open slightly. He blurrily sees a bearded, pale face stare him down. He sniffles and feels his eyes wet against his wishes.

“Please don't start again, I can't keep watching you cry Elias” He doesn't understand. In all honesty his mind is nothing but syrup, the only thing it latches on is on this man that he is sure is gone and yet he is here looking after him.

“Please” He is not sure what he is asking for, but Peter sighs and just stares at him. He can see his face look uncomfortable, but Elias-? Jonah? Which one is it? Feels a spark of recognition. He wants him to keep looking at him.

His mind slips away again and he presses his cheek to his chest before passing out.

The next time, he still feels lost, he makes a few noises of discomfort and Peter comes out of the door and starts to check on him. Touches his forehead, mumbles something and gives a quick caress to his cheek. Then he moves to go, but he makes a quite honest pathetic noise that if he were in a better frame of mind, Jonah would be appalled to be making.

Still it serves his purpose well, Peter hesitates and he tries to mumble his name, even if it feels like pulling teeth.

“P-ter?” The man pulls his hair back and sighs before sitting next to him, his body aches still, and he feels hot, but he still turns around to press himself closer to him. Peter slowly starts to play with his damp hair and mumbles words that he can't bring himself to understand. Elias just wants him to stay and watch over him, he feels so bad, its impossible to think of anything else than that.

Eventually it lulls him enough to doze off.

And so it goes like that.

Elias just… wakes up and demands for Peter attention to be kept on him for as long as he can. Slowly he gains enough awareness to feel the fear of him leaving him.

Of Peter dropping him due to this and going to the Tundra. His body is wrecked with shivers and his eyes get blurry with tears. The man is holding him while trying to calm him down, even if Elias can't say why he is like this.

“Shh, why? You were doing so well, why did you start to cry again?? What's wrong, Elias I don't know what to do you little bastard-” He cant stop. He weeps.

Its as if he was letting out something he had lodged inside himself and now he could not make himself stop, he didn't know how to do it. It was tearing at him, but it also felt somewhat relieving?

It was unfair.

Peter just held him closer and hushed him. Elias just wept for this surely would make him leave.

So stupid and clingy and empty headed that he was, nothing like himself whatever that meant. Just ill and pathetic like he had never been before.

“Shhh, no, no listen its not just-” His ears are ringing and he just presses his face closer before blacking out.

The next few times he wakes up only to throw up. Peter has to lift him to take him to the bathroom to clean his mouth, he barely manages to catch the black thing he threw up before the man quickly picks him up.

He is dying isn't he?

He is going to die-

“No, no you aren't i swear” He mumbles it and weep and when he tries to lift his hands to clean his face the man stops him and shakes it.

“Careful” Why? What is wrong-

He looks down and sees black spots on his clothes where the tears should have fell. Is he-

“Its ok, it will pass-” He pulls at his arms and draws him closer.

“Sorry-” Elias just presses himself against Peter and keeps mumbling it. Not even knowing what he is sorry for. Only that he feels it from the bottom of his heart.

He refuses to eat, or tries to, must of the time he merely is so out of it, that Peter just offers food and he opens his mouth, but when he is a little bit more himself he refuses. Why? What does it matter-

“Please just a little bit, cmon once you are ok, you can help im sure you will know what happened-” He has no way to know what he means and honestly? He doesn't care.

Leave he wants to say, like always.

What comes out instead is-

“Stay please-” He shivers under the covers and Peter hums while playing with his hair. He is odd, usually he should have left and yet.

“Ok, i don't- there is nowhere else to go Elias. Whatever happened… it left everyone adrift” He feels a tentative kiss to his forehead.

“So please, please get better” His arms tightened and it's so… unlike him and yet its everything Elias has ever wanted from the man. He buries his face on the crook of his neck and breathes. He doesn't know what is happening, but he wants Peter to stay with him, the only person who knows him and yet comes back.

Who came back despite everything.

“How are you here….” A chuckle.

“Took you long enough… I don't know, I remember sort of dying, yet also… not? Sort of like I dispersed in the lonely, almost… would have just disappeared” He nods even if it feels weird.

“But-?”

“But i felt someone-” And he kisses his head “Being lonely and it was enough to appear”

“... mmSo-” Peter shakes his head.

“No, no you're not and i don't want you to, we both tried to hurt the other, lets call it even ok?”

“Kay, Peter i cant… i don't know if i can be better-” His mind starts to slip away again so he grabs onto the man, he seems to be the only thing keeping him together at this rate. He is so dazed he can't notice him stiffening and taking a deep breath.

“You will, im- im sure of it, you are definitely better than when i found you! Can stay, stay awake for longer, so that's ok? We are talking” And they are, yet..

“Don't think it will last… was too much beholding i can't-” Peter sounds more strained.

“You will be fine, you have to. I don't know what to do Elias, i- forsaken left- everything is too much you have to be fine, i don't think i could- could deal with you g-gone” His eyes are already closing so he looks up. Peter looks sick too, less than him, but still he has bags under his eyes, they are red and puffy as if he cried too. He was pale by nature but now its concerning.

“Sorry…”

“Elias?”

“Mm” He can't keep himself up anymore.

He wishes he could stay, he would love to see how Peter would be now.

When he wakes up this time, its to someone holding his hand and the muffled sounds of crying, he blinks up and feels…. ok.

Not perfect, but not terrible either. His mind is far more awake than it has been in… god knows how long.

When he turns around he sees Peter is holding his hand and pressing his face to it.

He is the one crying.

It makes something that he thinks he buried a long time ago surface.

He feels sympathy for him, feels… that he very much would want him to stop crying and be the odd and charming man he married several times.

Elias does not like to see him sad, what a weird concept.

So he squeezes his hand and Peter jolts as if shocked looking up at him. He smiles tiredly.

“You look like shit captain” It startles him and for a second he stares with his mouth slightly open until he snorts and starts laughing.

Soon it turns into more tears but he kind of ignores it since he feels his own start to come out.

“Hey”

“You miserable excuse of a watcher” He grins.

“I love you too” Peter gets up from the chair he was sitting on, lifts the covers making him curse him and picks him up easily before kissing him. He clumsily reciprocates, but soon starts to kiss him with little pecks making the taller man nuzzle his nose.

“I love you” Elias freezes waiting for the yet, however there is nothing. Peter just lowers him slowly and gets in next to him.

“Why?” He did not mean to say that, yet he sees him smile amusedly and that fits far much more on his face than the sadness.

“Because- if you didn't notice our gods dropped the ball on us and i think… I think it would hurt too much if you were gone. Far more than I could bear with. I thought it would be fine before, but i… was wrong. The past 3 weeks proved it”

Elias parses through all of it. He hates that he knows. That he can feel the hole in his awareness. That he has spent 3 weeks purging 150 years worth of power. Its frightening and he is sure that the terror will settle later on, But now…

Now he wants to stay like this longer, to remain in this little bubble for a little bit longer until he has to face this new reality.

“I felt relieved when I thought you survived before passing out the first time. It felt… good to think you were still there, even if I didn't understand why you would help me” Peter traces shapes on his arm causing goosebumps on his skin.

“Did not know either, figured you would have answers, thought i could be angry later. But you were so out of it… kept crying in your sleep it was terrifying. So pale and sick… did not want that at all. Then you-” He seems to be at a loss of words.

“Peter?”

“You stopped breathing.” Elias blinks and has a moment of pure distilled panic.

“I-”

“That's why I was holding your- you stopped breathing I thought you were…” He swallows.

“Clearly you were wrong huh?”

“Yes… yes i was i guess” He pulls him closer and he rests against him.

“We will figure it out” Peter just nods. “We will Peter, just… just trust me on that” A deep breath, he is asking for too much-

“Just this once” But it's enough it seems.

“I'm still- i don't feel perfect, but i feel better…” They tangle their legs and Peter talks.

About having to look for medicine, making sure he was well, feeding him, calling Simon to asks what to do-

And Elias eats all of it, but especially all the moments where he was semi lucid and Peter seemed to do everything to keep him happy, to make him stop crying. Apparently if he ever wanted for Peter to just do as he said he should have just cried, it seems he can't deal with it at all.

Some things in bed make far more sense now in retrospect. Smiling he listens and when he is done asks for something to eat. Nodding he gets up, but before Elias can attempt to try and go with him, Peter merely picks him up and takes him to the kitchen.

“Hey-! I can do it on my own Peter!! What are you-”

“You will probably face plant, quicker like this, plus… I sort of…” He sees him blush and he raises an eyebrow.

“Yes…?”

“You will mock me!” He starts to smirk slightly.

“Depends on what it is love” That makes him flush brighter and Elias looks amazed at it, Peter hardly ever blushed let alone at any of his terms of endearment.

“I missed having you look at me cooking” He mumbles it so slowly he can barely hear it but it settles snugly somewhere near his heart.

“Oh”

Once seated Peter goes to make food and he starts asking questions until three animals jump to the table and his lap asking for attention.

“My lovelies!” Duchess and Empress purr and rub themselves against him while the captain sort of plays with his hand.

“Yes, had to keep them away from the room, they would cling to you and mewl like crazy. It was… sort of sad to watch” He can imagine it. So he holds his cats and kisses their little heads while cooing.

They eat and Elias wants to take a bath, he asks the man to prepare it and take him there.

“You know i feel like you are now abusing this”

“Not one bit, i'm still ill, keep me well, love, and i will be up in no time” He sees him hide his flustered face slightly and Elias chuckles.

He has no idea what to do now, but he will figure it out like usual, for now he has Peter looking over him and the cats. And.

If he is not wrong, a bunch of ex avatars are very pissed off at his archivist and associates for ruining things, so at least he can get rid of them at the very least.

Recovering the institute after the whole fiasco with the hunters will be a nightmare, along with technically escaping prison, but Peter said he already looked into it a little bit. So it could be worse. For now he will rest and ask for his husbands caretaking for as long as he can get away with it.

And Peter seems to be rather happy now that he can fight him back a little bit and he is no longer on the verge of death.

Elias… Elias thinks he loves him. More than he ever did before.

Wonders about it, however… for now he is ok with not knowing the why’s. Happy with just enjoying the moment for what it is worth.