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and-claudia · 27 days

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Against All Odds pt. 12 (Joel Miller x fem! reader)

General Warnings for later on: The main story will have an age gap between Joel and the reader (Reader will be 25 once we get to the main storyline), this will also be your warning that it will eventually be an x pregnant reader (if that’s not your jam, I’m sorry) there is also going to be more graphic/trigger parts later on so please always to be sure to read the warnings BEFORE reading. This story will also be 18+ and TO BE ON THE TAGLIST YOU CAN NOT BE AN AGELESS BLOG (i do actually check that) also there first hand full of parts are all prologue so Joel won’t actually be in it for a bit

warnings for this part: mentions of suicide, mentions of coming out (it's not all super heavy, I promise!!)

ALSO!!! I am making a decision that kinda contradicts an earlier part... I am adding this note so you know, earlier I was going off Joel's age based off the show, I am now changing it to be his age in the game just to make a few things work a little better... SORRY FOR ANY CONFUSION!!!!!!!

word count: 2800+

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gif not mine

Ellie’s PoV

Once I was sure Yn was out of earshot, I turned to Joel.

“I want to talk about what happens after we find your brother in Wyoming.” I said seriously.

He gave me a weird look, “Okay…”

I took a deep breath before starting, “What’s your plan for me once we get there?”

“Well… Marleen didn’t exactly give us the address of where you were going. So I was gonna ask Tommy if he knew where those Fireflies might be. Get you there… then… I don’t know. Timeline really depends on how long we’re out here, how close Yn is to havin’ the baby.” He explained.

I nodded and was quiet for a moment.

“What if I don’t want to go to Fireflies…” I asked quietly.

“Do you not want to?” Joel asked.

I took a deep breath, “I don’t know…I didn’t want to tell Yn because I don’t want it to stress her out in any way since she’s already pregnant… but I don’t think I want to find the Fireflies anymore…” I watched him to gauge his reaction, but he gave none, “It’s just… I’ve been told I am special, that I am the key to the cure… but I don’t think I am… not anymore. I tried to save Sam… it didn’t work. If I can’t save one person, how am I expected to save thousands?”

I paused.

“And I know this sounds selfish, and I know I am not anything really to either of you, but I don’t want to leave you two behind… you three behind. I want to be here when Yn has the baby and watch it grow into a tiny person.”

I looked at him, trying to fight the tears brimming in my eyes. All I could do was give a small nod.

“That’s not selfish, Ellie. It’s human.” Joel said after a moment, “Yn and I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. And you don’t have to decide anything right now. Trust me, we will have plenty of time before now and Wyoming for you to think and make up your mind.”

I nodded before whispering, “Thank you, Joel. For everything.”

He only nodded back, “Go get some rest. I’ll nudge you in a couple of hours to take a watch shift.” he said, nodding off to where Yn had fallen asleep against a tree.

I nodded and stood up. My mind was still reeling with what the hell I wanted to do. But Joel was right, nothing needed to be decided tonight. We were still far away from Wyoming, I would have plenty of time to decide by then… right?

Yn’s PoV

The following days were fairly uneventful. We walked for hours on end and would rest at night. The sun was setting on our fifth day of straight walking. To say that my feet hurt would be a severe understatement. Joel had said something to me the other day about how I should start showing here soon since I was around 15 weeks now, but currently, the only getting bigger were my feet. I tried not to say anything, though, because I knew their feet must be getting sore, too. But every step we took sent a jolt of pain up my leg.

“Shouldn’t we stop soon?” I asked.

“Eh, the sun’s just now starting to set. We can probably go another hour.” Joel said.

He was a few paces ahead of me when he said it, so he couldn’t see the sour face I made… but Ellie did.

“You okay?” She asked quietly.

“Hm? Yeah, fine.” I said.

She nodded before speeding up to be in step with Joel.

“Damn it, Ellie.” I mumbled to myself as I watched her talk to Joel.

They both stopped walking, which allowed me to catch up with them.

“On second thought, let's just stop for the night. This is a decent clearing. There’s a creek nearby to get some water from. We can stay here for the night.” He said.

“Joel, I’m fine. Let’s go another hour, then stop. It’ll let us get another mile or so under our belt.” I said.

He said nothing but glanced down to where I had undone my boots earlier. They were completely undone to where they would come off, but they were clearly loosened.

“Why’re your boots undone?” He asked, standing with his hands on his hips.

“Forgot to relace them… pregnancy brain. Let’s go. We’re losing daylight.” I said.

“Nope, sit.” He nodded to a large rock beside a tree.

I sighed and did as he said. He followed me over and squatted down in front of me. Once I was sitting, he began undoing my boots. I winced slightly as he pulled the first one off.

“M’sorry.” He said, grabbing the second one and sliding it off gently.

“How long have they been like this?” He asked.

“Started about halfway through the day yesterday. I didn’t want to say anything and slow us down.” I explained.

“You need to speak up when you’re in pain. We’re not traveling tomorrow. We’ll take a day to rest.” He said.

“No, I don’t want to slow us down.” I tried to argue.

“Not resting will slow us down even more. Tomorrow, I want you on your feet as little as possible, okay?” He said.

I nodded, “Can you go fill my water for me?” I asked, leaning over to grab it out of my pack that I had dropped beside me.

“Yeah. Ellie, give me your water, I’ll go fill them. When I get back, I’ll set a trap to try and get us some dinner.” Joel said, standing up and walking over to her.

Once he was gone, Ellie came over and sat down beside me on the ground.

“You didn’t have to say anything to Joel, you know.” I said.

I wasn’t actually mad at her in any way; I was more just frustrated with myself for being the reason why we were taking a break. Deep down, I knew it was out of my control, but it still didn’t help make me feel any better about it.

“I know. But I also know you weren’t going to. Plus, I could tell you were in pain.” She said.

“Thank you… sorry that I’m slowing us down.” I said.

“Eh, it’s not your fault, it’s the rugrat’s.” She said, making me smile.

“I guess you’re right. I just want to make sure we can get you to the Fireflies as soon as possible. I don’t know if they’re on a timeline or something.” I explained.

I noticed that she stiffened up slightly at the mention of the Fireflies.

She let out a nervous laugh, “About that… I talked to Joel a few nights ago… I am having second thoughts on finding them.” She said, looking at me clearly trying to watch for my reaction.

“Okay… any particular reason why?” I asked.

“I am not certain that I am the cure… I just don’t know if it’s worth leaving you and Joel… and the baby for something that’s not a guarantee. And I know I at least want to stay with you until the baby gets here… but then thinking about leaving after that doesn’t feel right either. I just don’t know what to do. I told Joel that part of me feels guilty for even considering staying because I could be potentially saving thousands… but I may not even be the cure.”

“That’s a decision only you can make, Ellie. But it doesn’t have to be soon. We’ll have plenty of time before we even get to Wyoming. Only you know what is best for you… I will say that I would love to have you here when I have the baby. I want them to meet you for sure. But if and when the time comes that you decide to go find the Fireflies, I won’t hold you back. I’ll support you in any decision you make. Come here.” I said, scooting over to make room for her on the rock.

She got up and sat beside me. I hugged her to my side.

“Thank you.” She said.

I only nodded.

“You know, you’re pretty good at the whole mom thing.” She said suddenly, making me look at her.

“What?”

“I don’t know… you just have something that makes me feel like I can share anything with you… like I don’t have to hide anything.” She explained.

“Well, I’m glad. And you really can tell me anything.” I said.

“Okay, well… do you remember how y’all mentioned a boyfriend when asking if anyone would come looking for me?”

“Yeah.” I nodded for her to continue.

“Well, truth is, I’ve never had a boyfriend… and I honestly don’t see myself ever having a boyfriend. If you know what I mean…” She said, glancing over at me.

“I get what you mean.” I said, smiling and nodding.

“You’re okay with that?” She asked, almost shocked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? You’re not the first gay person I’ve met.” I said with a small laugh.

She nodded as she let out a breath, “Do you think Joel will be okay with it?” She asked.

“Oh yeah.”

“Really, even at his age?” She asked, making us both laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Joel asked as he walked back up with our water canteens filled.

“Nothing.” Ellie said.

“Okay…” He said, clearly not convinced, “I am going to go try and trap something for dinner.”

He collected some supplies before heading off once again.

“So… if there wasn’t a boyfriend, has there ever been a girlfriend? Sorry if that’s too personal, just curious about your life before all of this.”

She hesitated, and I was scared that I had crossed the line. But then she began to speak.

“I don’t know if I would call her a girlfriend… but there was a girl I liked… Riley.”

The way she said told me everything I needed to know at that moment. Riley was dead, and she clearly wasn’t over it yet.

“Hey, it’s okay,” I shook my head, “You don’t have to talk about if you’re not ready. I get it. I lost the last of my brothers years ago, and I still don’t like talking about it. It’s okay.” I said, hugging her close once again.

“I miss her… does that ever go away?” She asked.

I shook my head sadly, “No… it gets easier. Eventually, you get to where you don’t even think about it anymore until something reminds you of them, then hurts again, not as bad as it originally did, but still hurts. Then again, you eventually stop thinking about it until you get reminded again. It hurts, but it's even less than last time. And it continues. It always hurts just a little bit.” I explained the best I could.

She nodded.

“Whatever happened though, it wasn’t your fault… and neither was Sam.” She snapped her head to look at me, “I don’t know what happened with you and him, but Joel mentioned you tried to save him, and it didn’t work… that’s not your fault. I know it’s hard, but don’t blame yourself. And trust me, I know that’s easier said than done. Hell, it’s been over ten years, and I still blame myself for my brother’s death…”

“What happened?” She asked.

“He hung himself… I am the one who found him. He had just done it. I tried to cut him down. I just wasn’t fast enough… My father blamed me for it until the day he died… and I still carry that with me. Like I said, the pain never fully goes away…”

“How old were you?” She asked.

“Doesn’t matter… no one should have to experience that… I was younger than you were.” I said, staring off.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t pry.” She said.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll share more about my brothers later if you want. Some of the better memories.” I offered, and she smiled.

“I’d like that. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to have siblings, even just one.” She said.

I couldn’t help but think about how if she chose to stay, then she would definitely be getting one. Although I wasn’t much older than her, just around ten years, I could see her becoming like a daughter to me. And I had a feeling the same was happening to Joel.

small time jump

Within the next three days, we finally found ourselves entering Nebraska. We hadn’t gotten the chance to clean up in a while because the creekbeds were too low, so when Joel informed us of a creek that was deep enough to rinse off in, I was overjoyed.

“You two go ahead and go. I’ll try to trap a rabbit or something.” Ellie said, nodding us off towards the creek.

Joel had recently shown her how to trap things, and she actually gotten pretty good in the couple of days she’s been practicing.

As we walked, I turned to Joel, “As much as I love you, I have only one thing on my mind, and that is to scrub the grime off of me and go sit down and get off my feet.” I said, making my intentions clear.

“Got it. Give me your clothes, and I’ll rinse them with mine.” He said as we got to the creek.

I nodded as I slipped my boots off and then peeled my socks off of my feet. The ground beneath me was cool to the touch and felt like heaven against my swollen feet. I finished getting undressed, tossing my clothes over to Joel, and soon I was in the cool water.

As great as it felt, I was soon getting out and getting my “clean” clothes from Joel. Once again, I was forgoing putting my bra back on for the night and was just about to pull my shirt over my head when Joel stopped me.

“Hey, wait, turn back around.” He called out to me.

I turned to face him, “What?” I asked, confused.

“Just turn to the side again…” He said, staring at me intently.

“What?”

“Just do it, please.” He wasn’t being pushy. Instead, he seemed oddly curious.

I did it and looked at him expectantly.

“When did that show up?” He asked, in slight awe.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“That.” He emphasized, nodding to my stomach.

“Joel, it’s nothing. I’m just a little bloated. I don’t think it’s what you think it is.” I said.

“I don’t think so… no offense, but we haven’t really eaten anything that would be making you bloated. I think you’re starting to show.”

I honestly hadn’t really considered that as a possibility. My mind just jumped to it being bloated.

“Really?” I asked, looking down, it was just barely there, but there was definitely a small bump forming.

“I mean, I’m no doctor, but that’s what it looks like to me. Here, come sit while I rinse off, and we can talk about it more afterward, okay? I’ll be quick.” He promised, standing up and beginning to undress.

Once he was done, he rinsed our old clothes, and we began walking back to our camp. Ellie had managed to catch two squirrels that Joel quickly prepared and began cooking. Then he came and sat by me.

“Sorry if I made you self-conscious or anything… I just wasn’t really prepared for this part of all of it.” He explained.

“Were you not…” I trailed off, knowing that his daughter was a touchy subject for him.

He shook his head, “No, her mom and I were like an on-again-off-again type of thing. Then, at some point, we were off again for a while, and then she showed up at my door out of nowhere with a baby. She was gone the next morning. So, I am a little inexperienced in this part of things… I do vaguely remember my mom being pregnant with Tommy, but that’s about it.” He said with a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood from when he started talking.

“Well, you got more than I do. I was the youngest, so…” I said, and he nodded.

“Also, you really remember your mom being pregnant with Tommy… that was so long ago…” I teased.

“I am only 52. I’m not that old, you know.” He shot back, nudging me with his shoulder.

“I know, I just like giving you shit.” I said, looking over at him with a smile.

“You’re lucky I love you. You know that, right?” He said.

“Yeah, I know. I love you too.” I said, leaning over to kiss him.

“You better not be letting those squirrels burn.” Ellie’s voice made me jump slightly.

“They’re not.” Joel said, rolling his eyes, though he wasn’t really upset.

He finished cooking them before dividing up the small amount of meat from them to all of us. After we ate, we settled in for the night. We had one more day of traveling before we would rest for a day. It was slow progress, but it would work. I knew the cold would set in soon, and the cool breeze that blew through the trees just as the thought crossed my mind only confirmed that.

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juunobox · 1 year

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──★ ˙ ̟ "PERFECT TIMING!"

you're nikolai's intimate friend (nikolai gogol x gn! reader) and he wants to 'free' you

summary : you're nikolai's friend and he wants to give you a taste of freedom (which of course means, he wants to kill you) ur like fyodor to him in this fic, kinda warnings : implied mental disorders, graphic depictions of violence, suicidal ideation, assisted suicide. you have a complicated relationship w him please do not take this seriously, fr i wrote this for coping purposes lol and sorry if it's kinda OOC this is the first ever nikolai x reader i wrote... dont beat my ass and english isnt my native i suck at grammar

Your days has always been mundane. You woke up and work on your laptop all day, then go back to sleep. However, there was a moment when your days became a bit more colorful, thanks to Nikolai's presence. He's an eccentric man who dressed like a clown and spoke theatrically. How did you meet someone like him in the first place? That's a story for another day.

With the time you both had, usually in the evening, he had developed a habit of visiting your place. By that hour, you'd be done with your day job, and you'd have the time to focus all your attention on him. It started as something casual, but as time went by, the two of you realized just how much you understood each other, at least to some extent.

His philosophy about freedom. The belief that being human itself is akin to being in a prison, it speaks to you. And the moment you expressed to him that you too shared the same belief, something changed between you two.

“Because you’re my…

Dear, intimate friend.”

He was fun to spend time with, so much so that it made you forget that he's a terrorist, a member of DOA. He brought colors to your uneventful, colorless life, and you didn't understand why.

“I guess you're sane in an insane way, Kolya.”

The clown laughed at the way you worded it. “Hilarious way to put it, [y/n]! You’d make for a talented comedian. You shouldn’t let this talent of yours go to waste! Don’t you think so?”

You sighed at his remark. “I’m way too anxious to do that. I can't stand in front of the stage and speak in theatrics like you do.” You eyed him playfully, and he giggled at that.

“Is that so? My dear friend can't handle the stage? How adorable, you’re intimidated by your own kind!” He scooted closer and cupped your chin in his hand. Your cheeks warmed up a bit at his touch, and you attempted to hide it. “You talk as if you're not a human yourself,” you said in return.

Nikolai’s grin grew even wider at your comment. “But I am one, I am a perfectly sane human being.” He tilted your head slightly to the side as he leaned even closer, his hot breath caressing your cheek. You swallowed nervously and darted your gaze away, unable to bring yourself to meet the silver haired clown's mismatched eyes.

And then he kissed you. It was a tender, loving kiss. Nikolai attempted to deepen the kiss, but you managed to push him away. He didn't try to force himself on you; however, he simply stared down at you with a smile. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

“Did you just kiss me? What was that even for?”

“Because… I’m looking for an answer.”

“What?”

“I’m looking for an answer.”

You didn't quite understand what he meant at that moment.

This wouldn’t end well, you knew it. Yet, you couldn't resist him.

The relationship between you two was something that words couldn't quite explain. You two weren’t exactly lovers, but you weren’t exactly friends, either. An undefined one, dancing between the lines of friendship and romance. But did you want it to end? Of course not. You never questioned it, despite the uncertainty gnawing at you.

You had always been good at hiding your emotions after all, or at least, that's what you think. Good at fooling others into believing that you were okay when you were not, because you felt far too shameful to express them freely. You beat yourself up inside your head. You couldn't feel things normally, you either feel nothing or everything at once. It's too much. Nauseating. You hated those feelings. But one day, at the worst possible moment, the clown appeared before you. As you were grappling with your breakdown, you found yourself pouring out your thoughts and feelings to him. Nikolai was present with his vacant facet, silently listening to every word.

"I just want to be free. I hate feeling things. I hate this. I hate everything. I want everything to stop!" Your voice was laced with desperation, and you continued, "If I had a gun, I probably would've done it already. I'm so tired of all of this. My mind is telling me to stop, but I can't do it! I keep doing it, I can't stop myself. I wish my body would just give up. All the things I've done to my body, I've tried inflicting all sorts of damage to it, yet somehow, the heart still tries to beat, and so I remain alive."

In the midst of your distraught state, Nikolai's face held sympathy for a moment. He approached you and pulled you into a tight embrace. He didn't say anything, he kept silent— only his grip gradually tightening as if he wanted to crush your pain away.

—

Just like any other evening, you were in your room with Nikolai. He had brought you something new - a small variety of Ukrainian sweets. He said he wanted you to taste a piece of his homeland. It was unusual because Nikolai had never brought you food before despite his frequent visits, but he seemed eager, so you decided to show your appreciation by giving it a try.

In mere minutes, your stomach began to twist and turn, forcing you to curl up in pain at the edge of the bed. “Aren’t you going to help me?" you cried out, struggling to make sense of the situation.

"...."

"Oh, wait." "You're not going to help me because you intended to do this, right?” You managed to say as you writhed in agony.

Nikolai seemed momentarily disconnected from reality but soon snapped out of it and burst into laughter. “Oh, dove! Does it hurt? Yes, you’re a smart one, aren’t you? I did slipped a liiittle bit something into this dessert,” he placed his own food aside and peered over you. “But I didn’t use enough to kill you, what do you think!” He exclaimed loudly in his usual antics. You always thought you understood him, but there were moments when you couldn’t quite wrap your head around his thinking. This was one of those moments.

“After all we've been through, you’re trying to kill me now?”

For a moment, the silver-haired man appeared taken aback. “Why do you ask? That's precisely why I want to kill you. To prove my freedom. Don't you yearn for the same?”

"You wish to be liberated from your emotions, don't you?"

It didn’t take long for you to grasp the meaning of that. You both shared the same understanding, after all. That emotions made you feel imprisoned, but you never thought Nikolai would express it this way. Before you could respond, he continued.

“Because you’re my... intimate friend… it pains me to witness your struggle to break free, just as I am.” He mumbled, his eyes empty and distant. “You’re my dove. My dearest. My angel.” By each words spoken, his voice turned softer, and he sounded genuine for once.

After a trail of endearment terms rolled off his tongue, you spoke. “Perfect timing,” you whispered, managing a grin despite the aching pain in your stomach.

“Then, why don’t we find freedom together, Kolya?”

—

"Nikolai,” you whispered, caressing his cheek. You knew this would be the last time you'd see him. “How do you feel right now? You look happy. If you were to look in the mirror, your grin is so wide I didn't even know someone could smile like that.

“Hahahahahaha! I am indeed feeling ECSTATIC!” He pulled colorful balls out of his coat, along with a couple of knives, and began juggling them in his hands. “Now, it's time for a quiz! Which weapon will I use to end your life? I have knives, guns, bombs, oh, a wide variety of choices! This is going to be super thrilling! So exciting that words couldn’t do justice!” You could only manage a faint chuckle at this. “All of those weapons, because you like torturing people to death. Right?”

Nikolai took a couple of steps closer to you, continuing to speak in his theatrics. “Ding dong! You are—” He reached for a small knife and aimed it at your throat. “WRONG! You're wrong! Thought you answered that right, didn't you?! Gotcha!” He giggled to himself, his eyes not leaving your figure as his other hand reached into his overcoat, pulling out another knife.

“Because you are my dear friend, [y/n], I will grant you the honor of receiving special treatment. I'll make it quick for you because I want you to be free as quickly as possible!”

You had agreed to Nikolai taking your life.

You saw it as a two-way street, a mutual exchange. He could attain the sense of freedom he so desperately sought, and you could be liberated from your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

Your miserable existence.

“Ready to take off, my dear?” Nikolai questioned, his grin stretching from ear to ear. He was smiling, but it appeared more like a manic one, instead of genuine happiness. It made you wonder what sort of expression you were wearing. A whirlwind of emotions are surging within you.

You are going to die. In Nikolai’s hands.

Slowly, you nodded. “I am.” Nikolai's grin widened even further, it appeared almost unsettling. Before you could utter another word, Nikolai had already plunged two knives deep into your chest. Your eyes widened, and you collapsed to the ground. Nikolai swiftly straddled you, and he didn't cease his stabbing. “Scream! Shout! Let me hear your cry of freedom, granted by the great Gogol himself! Hahahaha!” Laughter consumed him as he continued to relentlessly stab your neck and chest.

The pain was unbearable, but you couldn’t quite scream properly. Everything happened so quickly. Only disjointed sounds escaped your lips, drowned out by Nikolai's increasingly intense laughter as he continued to stab you.

"Freedom! Oh, this is what I've been searching for! I feel nothing!" He yelled hysterically. His mismatched eyes locked onto yours, your vision starts to blur, yet you could still see Nikolai wearing the same grin and glaring eyes. "My dear friend! Tell me! You feel free as well, just as much as I do right now, correct? Don't let my effort in killing you be in vain! You are free! Free from that prison you've been in! Say yes! Say yes!" He continued his rapid speech, almost matching the rhythm of the stabs.

Feeling your body growing cold, you could only muster a faint smile in response, sensing your blood seeping from your chest and neck. It felt oddly calming. The pain had lessened. Your body turned colder and colder, but the blood oozing from your wounds felt warm.

With the last bit of your strength, you managed to touch his cheek. You weren't sure if it was a hallucination or not, but Nikolai appeared to flinch in surprise when your hand made contact with his skin. Your body temperature was plummeting rapidly.

“...Kolya..” you managed to croak out, before closing your eyes and falling limp.

The floor was now painted red. The silver-haired clown’s once monochrome attire had almost turned crimson; stained with your own blood. There was a moment of silence, so profound that Nikolai could hear his own breathing. But then his breathing quickened, and his smile broadened once more.

“Hahaha!” He laughed out loud, “Oh! My dear friend is finally free now!” He picked up his knife again and lunged over your lifeless body. You were no longer breathing, but Nikolai continued to stab you. “The freedom we've desperately sought! Liberated from this thing called brainwashing!” The clown's eyes remained wide with trembling irises, an impression of madness. Unlike before, his voice now bore a subtle crack, as his gestures also became unsteady.

The same expression remained on his face, but tears started streaming down his cheeks. Nikolai seemed unaware of his own tears. “My dear friend! Tell me that I've achieved this freedom! You can confirm it because you understand me, right? You're the only one who understands me, after all!” His tone grew almost frantic, and his voice continued to break with each word. He pulled the knives from your chest and threw them aside, squeezing your cold, lifeless hand tighter in his warm ones.

“Because you’re… my dear friend… and you’re the only one who understands me…”

#vent writing #nikolai gogol x reader #bsd x reader #bsd x gender neutral reader #nikolai x you #cw violence #nikolai bsd x reader #nikolai gogol bsd #nikolai bsd

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missacidburn928s-heathenhideaway · 5 months

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The Perks Of Being A Fiend

Alpha!Jax Teller x Omega!POC!Reader "LuLu"

Summary:

Alpha!Jax Teller x Omega!POC!Reader "LuLu" There's no in-between, we only do extremes. He can get on my LAST nerve, but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Warnings:

Smut, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha Jax Teller, Accidental Voyeurism, Oral Sex, Sex, Rough Sex, Marriage, Pregnancy

Notes:

Hello Heathens! This is my first Jax fic although I'm a massive SOA fan. So be kind. (This was my first Jax fic 😊) Happy Reading!

Banner by @cafekitsune Divider by @firefly-graphics

5 Missed Calls from JT 🐺

🌖Little Moon🌔 : I'm working Jackson. Why on earth are you blowing up my phone? JT 🐺 : I'm Sorry LM: Okay JT: Just okay? That's it? LM: What do you want a medal or something for doing the bare minimum when you did wrong? JT: C'mon dont be like that darlin'. LM: Don't. I know you're bored at the club house. So what is it you really want? What are you trying to sweet talk me into? JT: Just wanted to see my pretty Omega and since I'm stuck here I thought a picture or two might tide me over. LM: Seriously? JT: You know I’m serious. LM: Find some Beta crow eater to feed your need to see flesh. You’ve always been good at that. JT: That won’t satisfy the craving. I’m fiending for you. Always you. LM: I don't have time for this. JT: Just one picture. Take a bathroom break. JT: Where did you go? JT: I just want to see my Omega. Please, darlin’. I’ll do that thing with my tongue later. LM:

Now leave me be. And you would have done that thing with your tongue anyway. I set up the couch for you tonight if you decide to come home.

JT: Damn. It’s like that? LM: It’s like that. Balls in your court Teller. I’m not the one needing to earn forgiveness.

“I know that face.” Opie said with a smirk. “Someone is in the doghouse again. What’d you do this time?”

“Terra stopped by the house this morning to thank me for helping her with her flat tire last night.” He mumbles out as he lights up a cigarette.

“And?” Opie asks.

“And I may not have told Lulu about it when I got home late because of it.” He exhales a breath of smoke.

“Ooh.” Op winces. “That was a really dumb move man.” He shakes his head. “She’s the chillest woman you’ve ever been with it. But that only works when you don’t blindside her. Tara knew what she was doing showing up this morning like that. What’d Lu do?”

“She’s the one that opened the door and let her in when she asked for me with damn coffee and donuts in her hand.” He stomps out his cigarette. “She stayed calm and went about her normal morning routine while Tara thanked me and I escorted her out.”

“She was calm?”

“Yup.”

“Fuck man. What happened when the door closed?”

“She sat at the table with her coffee and grabbed a donut. She then told me ‘Such a gentleman and a baddass. Lucky me to have snagged such an Alpha. If only he knew to keep me up to date on happenings with his crazy exes.’ Gave me a kiss and then rushed off to get ready for the day.”

“Why the fuck are you here then?” Opie Inquires.

“She’s working. Told me the couch is ready for me tonight if I come home.”

“Damn I do not wish I were you right now. You have some groveling to do Prez.”

“Don’t I know it. Thankfully I know just how to diffuse her.”

You're getting ready to leave work and head home when your besties number shows up on your phone. You pick up and before you can even say hello she's going a mile a minute.

"You're still coming tonight. No excuses. Dress hot as shit too. Get Jax back for that Tara bullshit. I know for a fact that Ari is in town."

“Hello to you too Diamond.” You finally get out as you climb into your Chevelle. “I wasn’t going to bail on you tonight. I just wanted something low key but if you have a plan in mind I’m all for it. You know petty is my love language.”

“I’m thinking, O’ Sheas.”

“We always go to O’ Sheas.”

“Duh. But tonight Ari will be there. I’m sure he’ll be looking for an Omega to get lost in.” She remarks. “He is the idiot that let you get away. If he spots you I’m sure he’ll be begging for another piece.”

“I know you didn't forget that Jax is in fact my Alpha.”

“Of course I didn’t.” She replies. “I’m just saying give the Prez a taste of his own medicine. You don’t have to sleep with him. Just be your charming self is all.”

“I’m only agreeing to go because a drink is just what I need to forget this day.” You say as you pull into your driveway. “I’m not entertaining this Ari nonsense. If he’s there, then he’s there. I’m just looking to get inebriated enough to just knock straight out when I get home. Lord knows I sleep like shit when I’m alone.”

“Jax not coming home tonight?”

“More like I relegated him to the couch.”

“Understandable. I’ll let you get ready. Pick you up in like an hour or so.”

“Sounds good.”

You’re leaning over your built-in vanity, applying highlighter to your cheeks, clad in an olive green lingerie set, your favorite thigh high knit stockings keeping you warm, singing along to Mary J Blige. “My whole world’s, Up. Side. Dooooown.” Your hips sway to the beat as you really get into the song. You glance up into the mirror and spot Jax leaning against the door frame, just admiring the view.

“Singing ‘bout me, little moon?” He husks out.

“I plead the fifth.” You deadpan, turning your eyes back to your reflection.

He steps up behind you, ghosting his fingers along your exposed skin. “Got plans tonight, Omega?” He whispers into your ear.

You swallow but attempt to hold your ground. “Just hitting O’ Sheas with Diamond. Nothing special.” You shrug.

“Hmm.” He takes a step back. “I better get to it then.”

“Get to what?” You turn on your heel towards him as he cages you in.

"These panties have got to go.” He tugs on the waistband against your hip. “Hold on to the counter and lift your ass up for me." You instinctively follow his command.

Not wasting a second Jax practically rips the fabric from your skin. “Much better.”

He sinks down to his knees so that his handsome face and your glistening folds are level with each other. Eyes hooded, pupils dilated, he scents your arousal in the air, licking his lips. “Fuck. Look at you Omega. Perfect little pussy leaking all this slick for me.” He licks a stripe up your folds to your swollen clit, moaning in delight at the sweetness flowing onto his tongue. “God, I missed the taste of you on my tongue.”

"It hasn't even been a day since your last meal." You whimper out.

"Too long. Plus I have an apology to make." He growls out.

You find yourself threading your fingers through his golden locks for balance as he begins to really go to town. Feasting on you as if he’ll perish if he does not consume every ounce of you. He sinks two fingers into your center. You can’t help but grind against his face, fucking yourself with his fingers. He curls them just so, hitting that sweet spongy spot that has you seeing stars. Eliciting a long guttural moan as your sweet nectar spills, making quite the mess all over the lower half of his face.

You release his hair as he lifts his face from between your thighs, lips shining and beard covered in your juices, looking like the cat that got the cream. You wanted to allow your anger to persist, but the endorphin high with an oxytocin chaser that you just experienced is wavering your resolve.

You place your palms on his cheeks, pulling him up to grace him with a deep kiss, enjoying the taste of yourself on his tongue. “Get up Alpha.” You speak against his lips.

Once he is standing between your open thighs you undo his belt and zipper. You reach in, wrapping your hand around his base, giving him a slow pump, granting you a low groan, before pulling out his beautifully thick cock.

"Turn around ‘mega. Hands on the sink. Eyes on me in the mirror. I want you to watch me ruin you baby." You turn around, taking your time placing your hands on the counter. He smacks your ass once, in warning.

You push your hips back as you lean forward. This is when he chooses to tease you, rubbing his dick up and down your soaked folds. Tapping his head against your clit several times before sinking in slowly until his tip kisses your cervix, giving you a moment to adjust to his size stretching you out.

Feeling full of your Alpha you subconsciously begin to undulate your hips, looking for friction, as you lock eyes with him in the mirror. "Alpha, please. Fuck me. I don't think I can stand this much longer. Feels too good when you're so deep inside me."

He growls at your plea, fisting your hair and pulling. Forcing you to arch you back further to keep your eyes locked in the mirror.

He pulls back, slamming in as he begins a punishing pace, fucking you hard and deep. His balls slap against your swollen clit with every thrust making you see spots from the pure ecstasy of it all. Your staring into the mirror, watching his face as he grunts, swears and groans while he fucks all the tension and anger from you from behind.

You watch as he throws his head back, letting out a growl you can feel vibrate against your skin. "Fuck Omega, your pussy is just so damn tight. Feel so good wrapped around my dick. Ready to cum for me again? I need to feel ya squeezin’ me, trying to pop my knot and milk me dry."

"Yes.” You whimper out. “Please, Alpha. I’m close. So, so close." You’re uncaring of how needy you sound at the moment. The man really had a knack for turning you into a hormonal mess whenever he felt the need.

Your plea’s add fuel to his need to consume you, driving him to fuck you even harder. You know you'll most likely be sporting bruises on your hips from the counter, but you’ll deal with that fun little reminder later. Hand still wrapped up in your hair, his grip tightens, the pleasured pain sending you head first over the edge into the bliss of another orgasm.

"Don't close your eyes, ‘mega. Look at yourself.” He grits out. “See how gorgeous you look when you come undone for me." You let out a primal wailing moan as your pussy clamps down on his cock and your legs begin to shake. He smacks your ass with his free hand before taking hold of your hip, continuing to fuck you as you ride the waves of your orgasm.

When your walls stop their rhythmic suffocation of his cock, he slows down, taking his time to fuck you nice and deep. Hitting all your sweet spots. Cresting into the zone of overstimulation you begin to squirm against him again.

He watches, as his cock sinks in and out of your swollen and dripping folds. Hypnotized by how well you take his dick and still remain so goddamn tight. His hips instinctively pick up the pace, once again. "I'm close, Omega. Gonna fill ya up so good, you’ll still be leaking for days" He grunts out, accompanied by harsh thrusts.

"FUCK!” You shout. “Yes. Please, yes. Want all of you Alpha." Is all you can manage to mumble out as you arch your back deeper, preparing to take his seed deep into your womb.

He continues on, setting a pace that just makes your brain go fuzzy and every nerve-ending sing in pleasure.

“Fuuuck.” He grunts out. “My cock drunk little omega. Pussy’s gripping me so damn tight baby. She doesn't want to let me go.”

You just nod and whisper out. “Please. Full.” Lost in a sea of sensation, your mind is not able to formulate more than two words in your current state, other than moans, whimpers and wails of pleasure. You’re flying a serotonin high you are not ready to come down from yet.

That was all the validation he needed to hear to stop holding back and pop his knot, releasing his seed deep into your waiting womb. Painting the walls white with rope after rope of his spend.

Locked tight on his knot, time seemed to stand still, it felt like he was pouring everything he had into you, his cock gave it’s final twitch and he collapsed onto your back. Caging you in as he rains kisses along your shoulders.

That’s when you hear a round of applause come from the doorway. “GOTDAMN Girl! Now I get why he gets away with so much."

You burst into laughter at the situation. Unashamed over what they caught you doing in the comfort of your home. No one told her to let herself in with the key you gave her for emergencies.

“That was the hottest shit I have ever seen and we produce porn.” Juice blurts out.

“Hope you took some notes than, Juicy.” Jax snarks. “Now get the fuck out of my house so I can fully finish apologizing to my woman. Sorry Diamond but she’s staying in tonight.”

“Come on Juice.” Diamond turns to the still gawking biker. “Looks like your my date for tonight. I’m not wasting this outfit cus my girl is so easily dickmatized by her Alpha.”

She latches on to his Kutte and drags him back down the hall out of the house.

Jax knot has gone down enough at this point for him to tenderly slip out of you. A trail of his cum begins leaking down your thigh. He collects it on his fingers and pushes it back inside, making you moan and push back against him.

“I’m going to keep you full until I am fully forgiven for my stupidity.” He pulls his fingers out and places them before you face. You open your mouth and clean them of your combined essences.

“I hope you carbo loaded at the Club then Alpha.” You tease. “You have a ways to go to remain out of the dog house.”

He lifts you up into his arms and walks into your bedroom. “I’ll be sure to do my worst.”

That night took a turn you could not have expected. You want to blame it on the hormone high but that would be a weak cop out when in reality you always would have said yes.

While recovering from your escapades, enjoying all the lovely chemicals coursing through your veins, Jax asked you to be his old lady in every way. “You’re already my mate” He runs his fingers along the freshly renewed bite along your collarbone. “Let’s make this all the way official and head down to the courthouse and make it legal.”

“You’re serious.”

“100%”

“Okay. We’re going to need witnesses though.” You reply

“Easy. Op and Diamond.” He reaches for his phone and calls Op. You pick up yours to text D to meet you at the courthouse in the morning.

That’s how you found yourself in a sundress with a newly signed marriage license cuddled up with your now husband in the kitchen, waiting for Happy to show up to tattoo your ring finger.

“Gemma is gonna flip when she finds out.” Opie states calmly as he takes a puff of his cigarette.

“Who cares what Gemma thinks.” You shrug. “She was always on team, not me, anyway. This was for us not her.”

“She’s just going to have to get over it whenever the news hits her.” Jax adds.

“She might have forgiven you Jackson. But your still on shit list. I’m not so easily swayed.” Diamond declares. “Though this move has given you some points. Making her glow like that will always get you points with me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Jax responds.

Twelve weeks after your Alpha’s apology and your subsequent nuptials thereafter, the club was dealing with some backlash from a new MC trying to make a name for themselves in the streets. Wanting to keep his men and their families safe, Jax has called a lockdown.

The compound and clubhouse was filled with families, children trying to find a way to deal with the boredom, running around making nuisances of themselves. The volume of so many voices alone was overwhelming, not to mention the haze of cigarette smoke that permeates the air. You’d been feeling queasy for days and the stench of bad perfume wafting off the crow eaters as you tried to make lunch had bile slowly rising up your throat.

“You doin okay there Sweetheart?” Gemma asks, watching you waver slightly on your feet.

“I’ll be fine.” You reply. “Just not feeling my best today. It’ll pass. I think I might go lay down for a bit though if I’m not needed here.”

“We got it Sug.” Luann blurts out before Gemma could give you the third degree. “These crow eaters need to learn to be useful for something other than sucking dick anyway.”

“Thanks.” You give her a tight smile. “If you need any more help, please don't hesitate to come get me.” You rush out of the kitchen before anyone can object and head down the hall to Jax’s room. You’ve unbuttoned your tight jeans and are in the process of sliding the denim down your legs when the door opens.

“Everything okay ‘mega?” Are the first words out of Jax’s mouth. “Op saw you booking it pretty fast out the kitchen.” He closes the door behind him, walking up to you as you're stepping out of your pants.

“I’m fine now.” You wrap your arms around his shoulders. “Just needed to get away from the stench of Crow Eater.”

He places his hands on your hips, pushing up your loose shirt, one of his old beat up SAM CROW’s, thumbs tracing your lower stomach. “They still given you a hard time with smells?” He asks.

“They are.” You nod your head. “It’s mainly the perfume that sets me off. Thankfully it’s supposed to ease up soon. I don’t think I could handle a full nine months of feeling like this.”

He lowers himself to his knees, where his head is in line with your non-existent bump. “Listen here pup. You’re already causing your mama problems and I can’t have that. I’mma need ya to calm your shit down or we’re both gonna be in for it when you get out.” You chuckle at his antics as he reprimands his progeny growing in your womb.

He has been nothing short of amazing since you found out last week that you were expecting your first pup. His apology sure left its mark. It’s a bit sooner than you both were expecting but it’s exciting nonetheless.

“Such a big strong Alpha, on his knees, pleading with his unborn child. Whatever shall I do with you.” You run your fingers through his hair as the door is slammed open. You both turn to find Gemma standing in the doorway, Opie behind her with a look of defeat on his face.

“Sorry guys. I caught her snooping near the door and before I could get a chance to shoo her away she gasped and threw open the door.” He shakes his head.

“You're pregnant?!” She hollers at you. “I knew something was up. That why you marked her?”

“Mom.” Jax stands up. “I’m gonna need ya to calm the fuck down. That’s not only my Omega, but my wife and the mother of your unborn grandchild, your screeching at. She’s already feeling like crap. I’m not about to have you stressing her out too. Either accept this and be happy or get out our faces.” He huffs.

Stunned not only that her son is speaking to her like this but that somehow he got married and didn't even inform her. “You got married? Was that before or after you knocked her up?”

“Watch it.” He growls. “Not that it is really any of your business but we just recently found out she was pregnant. Must have happened around our wedding day. Not that it matters. She was always going to be mine. Knew it from the moment her scent hit my nose.”

“Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?” She asks.

“Because I knew how you’d act and I didn't want you pulling any of your tricks.” Jax deadpans.

“I know what you think about me Gemma.” You speak up. “And you're wrong. I have only ever wanted what was best for your son. My Alpha. Now that we’ve started our own family, you can choose to let your misconceptions of me go and be a part of this little pups life when they arrive. Or you can double down and miss out on all the wonders a new life brings to a family. The decision is yours.”

“Damn.” You hear Opie mutter out.

“If you think for one second I’m risking not being in my first grandbabies life, you're sorely mistaken honey.” Gemma states. “I’ll behave. I’d say welcome to the family but you’ve already been here awhile apparently.”

“See that wasn't that hard.” Jax teases before turning to you. “Can we tell everybody now. I think they all could use some good news.”

You sigh. “Fine. But can I get a nap first.” You negotiate. “I know they’ll want to celebrate and chit chat. If I don’t get some rest I may just snap at the first person to try and touch my belly.”

They all laugh. “Alright, little moon. We can take a nap.” He kisses your forehead, then turns to his mother. “Don’t say a word until we come out later. I mean it mom.”

“I’m not gonna blab.” She relents. “Wouldn’t want to deal with your wrath having upset your Omega. Been there with your father when I was pregnant with John. Wouldn’t wish that on anybody.”

“C’mon Gemma.” Opie pulls her out the room, slowly closing the door. “I’ll keep an eye out Prez.”

“Thanks Op.” He pulls you close, giving you a loving kiss. “I love you Omega.”

“Love ya too Alpha.” You kiss him back, pulling him towards the bed where you had previously made a haphazard nest, so you could cuddle up and get some much needed rest with your perfect pain the ass Alpha.

#poc reader #jax teller x reader #jax teller smut #alpha jax teller

35 notes · View notes

xxwritemeastoryxx · 2 years

Note

*chants* Bucky, Bucky, Bucky

18. Just pretend we’re okay, just for tonight, just for show. I’ll be gone by sunrise.

(Pretty please)

Compromised

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

Word Count: 5873

Warnings: Betrayal, weapon usage/violence, angst galore. Canon timeline doesn't exist to make this fic work.

Author’s Note: Okay, hear me out before this one gets started. I'm sorry (That's a lie) for whatever pain comes from this one. But I also couldn't help myself and added a second prompt because it JUST FIT PERFECTLY and I couldn't help myself. I added prompt 10. You started this. The least you can do is finish ripping my heart out by telling the damn truth. The beginning of this fic is a bit misleading. Do not jump to conclusions! Also, I want to say that I'm still getting used to writing for Bucky, so any constructive critiques are welcome. Please note that Make it Angsty Requests are now closed. I'm posting them after the fact cause I fail at posting things in a timely manner. The divider is by the lovely @firefly-graphics ♥

I do not and will not ever give permission for my fics to be copied and posted on other sites. Don’t do it. Don’t be that person that ruins it for me and everyone else.

Feedback gives me life and motivation for future things. While likes are appreciated, reblogs are gold. Seriously, if you enjoyed this in the slightest, please reblog ♥

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It was almost a typical Stark party. However for once it wasn’t for his benefit of any kind. For the first time since Y/N had joined the avengers, they were celebrating her birthday. While it may seem odd that they hadn’t done so before, it was because Y/N didn’t want them to fuss over her. For years they had attempted to throw her a party, but she never wanted it and reminded them every time they had tried.

At first she refused to give up the date when she first joined to allow them to throw some kind of celebration. After FRIDAY gave up the day, Y/N always found out about the details that allowed her to evade every get together or surprise party they attempted. They’d throw the party and she’d never show until she was sure they had given up. Or she’d take on missions to avoid the compound altogether.

In truth, Y/N felt as though she didn’t deserve the party they had been so desperately wanting her to be a part of. She couldn’t ever recall a time where her birth had been celebrated. There weren’t an increasing amount of candles to blow out. After years of having nothing, it had become just another day to her. And now that several people wanted to celebrate her birthday, it was overwhelming.

That was until a few months ago that Bucky had been volunteered to convince his girlfriend to actually have a birthday party. If anyone could convince her, it’d be Bucky. He couldn’t get out of the small parties that Steve insisted they have for him. Unlike Y/N, he couldn’t escape his best friends tatics from it.

And after weeks of convincing and reassuring Y/N that it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to have a party thrown for her, she finally agreed to it. It also didn’t hurt to add in that any time he was forced to attend a party for his, she was a willing participant that helped him enjoy the night. For once he wanted to be able to see her enjoy herself on her birthday.

That was how she currently found herself surrounded by plenty of people that she knew and didn’t know. Many of them had been staff within the compound that she hardly ever talked to. If it hadn’t been for the conversations and words of encouragement from Bucky and her teammates, she would have bolted for the door hours ago.

But now, she was beginning to feel ansty and the one person that promised he’d by her side the majority of the night was nowhere to be seen. Even as her eyes scanned the crowd she couldn’t find Bucky. Usually she could pick him out rather easy in any room, but right now she couldn’t.

As her eyes finished her scan, she found Steve and Sam talking across the way causing her to start making her way over. As she had, her eyes kept looking for Bucky the whole time hoping he’d pop up.

“Have you seen Bucky?” She asked as she came up to them.

They had stopped mid conversation the moment she spoke. They both hadn’t missed the anxiousness that was visible in her eyes. While they hardly ever seen that side of her before, they both knew that this was a first for her. They expected there to be some hesitancy on her part.

Steve tilted his head towards the hall at the other end of the room. “He got a phone call a few minutes ago. Couldn’t hear over the music.”

She didn’t blame him. The music levels were just loud enough that some people had to speak louder just to be heard. Any louder and she was sure people would have to be mouth to ear in this place to hear anything.

“Thanks.” She said giving him a smile.

“We’re going to be bringing out the cake soon.” Sam added. “Don’t take too long.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No promises!” She said before she turned and started making her way towards the hall.

When she reached the hall, her eyes began scanning each room as she walked past them, looking for Bucky. She soon realized that only one room, at the very end of the hall had been closed. A small smile pulled at her lips once more as she made her way over to that door.

Her thoughts instantly going to the playful things she could say to him as she walked into the door. She could joke about how he was hiding away when he promised he’d be there. She could also joke that when his birthday came around, she would be able to hide away. The many things she could say just to help ease the anxiety that was bubbling within her.

“Hey Buck-” As she opened the door, she froze. The playful question about him hiding away never got the chance to pass her lips.

Bucky stood at the opposite side of the desk with a file opened and papers scattered. Several pictures were mixed in with the pages that had been on the desk. A document was in his hand as if he had been reading it moments before she had opened the door.

Curiosity should have filled her with what he currently had his eyes trained on, but it wasn’t. Fear filled her as she recognized the contents of the file he had been going through. All of the information in that file she had tried her hardest to destroy. The life she no longer wished to be a part of was contained within that file. The lies to her life laid out on display.

Taking a shuddering breath, she stepped into the room and closed the door. She kept her back to the door, with her hands on the handle. The simple need to grasp onto it just in case she needed to make a quick getaway.

“I need you to let me explain.”

The instant the words left her mouth, Bucky’s eyes snapped to her. He had heard her when she opened the door, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. Not when his eyes were still scanning the document in his hand, taking in the information.

His heart had been in his stomach from the moment he opened the file. Before he opened it, he felt as though he shouldn’t and trust Y/N. He wanted to believe that there was no reason to worry and whatever was in that file was going to prove his recent suspicions to be wrong. But they weren’t.

Being free from the memories tied to it makes it easier to get the job done.

A simple phrase she had said weeks ago had stuck with him. A siren going off within his mind that felt wrong. For someone such as Y/N, who joined from SHIELD, shouldn’t know what it’s like to have her memories wiped. Then again, he had no idea what SHIELD was capable of doing behind closed doors.

It didn’t stop Bucky from wanting the answers himself without dropping a thousand questions on Y/N. He knew the sudden interest in her past would raise questions. While Bucky knew as much about Y/N as she was willing to give, she still had walls up and Bucky respected some of those walls. Just as she had with some of his. But now he had the answers directly in front of him and he hated himself for not seeing it sooner.

“Who are you?” His voice was loud enough for her to hear. His voice hardly held any emotion even though his expressions conveyed everything he was feeling.

“You know who I am.” She responded as she lifted her head up a little higher. Almost as if she was bracing herself for the blow.

“Obviously I don’t.” His right hand gestured towards the desk. “Your background was pretty extensive, I’m amazed that you made it through Tony’s security checks with how much I have sitting on this desk.”

“It’s not that hard for Hydra to create a false identity when you don’t exactly have one.” Much like the calmness in his voice, her’s matched. On the inside, her heart was racing. She was sure her eyes had displayed the fear and guilt she was currently feeling. Her eyes took in every bit of him. Studying him and keeping herself ready for anything she hoped wouldn’t happen. “The person in that file is dead. Has been for several years.”

A scoff passed his lips as he shook his head. “If she’s dead, who’s birthday are they currenty out there celebrating?”

They. He hadn’t included himself in that scentence and Y/N had picked up on that right away. There was a change from earlier this morning when he took her out to breakfast and left a gift on her bed side table to wake up to. She assumed that the time he took to celebrate her birthday ended when he got his phone call, no doubt signalling the arrival of the file.

“Still mine.” There was the slightest nod of her head as she tried to enure his questions were answered as quickly as she could without them seeming rehearsed, even though there were times where she practiced for the day she would tell him. “They-” She stopped herself. There was no use in avoiding the truth. “Hydra believed that if I had no ties to my former life, I would do as they pleased. But when creating a backstory, they used my real birth date. It was only after I left that I found out it was the right date. Everything else was different.”

His eyes took her in as she finished. He could see how she was almost in a defensive stance. Her arm behind her back no doubt holding the handle on the door. The defensive reflex reminding him of many times he had seen other soldiers hold that stance in a room that he was in. An easier way to leave when the opportunity presented itself.

He wondered how many other times there was something that had seemed so familiar to him that had gone unnoticed. For every memory that had been returned to him, he never knew who she was when they first met. He would have known if she was mixed in the sea of memories, but she never encountered him while he was under Hydra’s hold.

But now he kew that brief moment of a gut feeling when he met her for the first time was an actual warning he should have listened to. But it had been Steve, and occasionally Sam, that reminded him that once she opened up, she wasn't as guarded and neither of them had felt off about her presence. It turns out they had been wrong.

"I get it." She said a moment later when he hadn’t said anything. “This is a bunch of new information that you're taking in. Maybe you need a little more time to process." Her hand on the knob slowly turned. This would be the only chance she'd have to leave the room. While she didn't fear him, she was afraid of the emotions that would come from this conversation. She knew, without a doubt, he'd hate her afterwards. "I'll head back to the party and we can talk later. Just please don't say anything to anyone. At least not yet."

She had barely turned around and opened the door a little more than an inch or two before the swish of a blade flying through the air was loud in her ears. It was followed by a thud that caused the door to slam shut just as quickly as she had opened it. She looked up to see the knife barely above her head.

"We are far from finished."

When she turned back around, she found him standing within arms reach. His eyes were narrowed at her. Her heart aches that he had been looking at her like he was instead of the caring looks she had been used to. In the span of a an hour, she had become the enemy in his eyes.

Bucky could have aimed anywhere. He had half a mind to aim for the space right beside her hand or even right by her cheek. Something close enough to knick the skin as a warning not to leave. But the part of him that cared way too deeply for her couldn't bring himself to bring the knife that close to her.

He couldn't deny what was in front of him. The way she had been so calm about this had further proved the evidence. It was almost as if he could no longer recognize who she was. That the woman he loved was completely different from the woman who's life had been spread out on the desk behind him. Even the words leaving her lips that now came out so easily were foreign to him in the way their conversations usually went. Hydra was never spoken of and now it had been mentioned more times in the last few minutes than they had been in the few years they had known each other.

“How long?” He asked a moment later.

“Since before we met.” The words came out easily.

"What was your mission?"

Her eyes scanned his face for a moment. Just enough for her to collect her thoughts. She could lie, but she knew that would get her nowhere. She could tell the truth, and they could possibly find themselves at each other's throats.

“To infiltrate the Avengers." His features hadn't changed as she continued. "I was to gain their trust while I observed and reported anything of interest. When the time came I was to take down my target.”

“Who is your target?” He asked with a raised brow.

“Doesn’t matter, I couldn’t go through with it.” She said with a shake of her head.

That detail she couldn’t bring herself to give up. It caused her heart to ache just thinking about it. She never voiced it before and she didn’t want this to be the first time she did. Any other time she could redirect the questions onto something else. But this wasn’t just a casual conversation to be had anymore. This was Bucky interrogating her.

There weren't any playful conversations or plans for the rest of the night. There wasn’t the comfortable stance between them. Instead they both were on edge and the tension in the air thick.

“It does matter. You came here under false pretenses. Lied to everyone who believed to be your friend. I think it’s only fair that you own up to who it was.” It was no longer about knowing her past and what she had done. It was now about if she still posed as threat while still here within the walls of the compound.

“They’re still breathing.” She noted. “I almost went through with it. But I learned I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So it doesn’t matter who it was, Bucky. All that matters is that I turned my back on Hydra and never looked back.”

“And what’s to stop you from changing your mind and going after them?” He asked taking a step closer to her.

“What stopped you from killing Steve?” With his step forward, she began remembering the layout of the room. The details she could use to her advantage from being pinned against the door as she now was.

“Why can’t you just answer the question?” He shot back as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Because it isn’t necessary!” Her voice raised slightly. The emotions within her growing and she hated the fact that her eyes threatened to tear up. “I left. I made the choice to be better. You got to do the same. Why is it any different with me?”

“Because I don’t know how I can trust you without knowing all of the facts.” He took in a deep breath trying to calm himself. “I let you in. How do I know that everything you’ve told me isn’t a lie? I don’t know how much of it was you actually being you or if you were doing your job and just using me to get close to-”

He stopped himself when something clicked in his mind. The missing pieces of the puzzle being found as he watched the tears well up in her eyes and the words he had just said brought everything into perspective. He looked up at the knife that was still embedded in the door above her head before looking back at her.

“I’m only going to ask this one more time.” There was hurt in his voice and every part of him hoped that the answer he now had in his mind was wrong. “Who is your mission?”

The moment Bucky had cut himself off, Y/N knew he had pieced it together. It was written in his face and in his eyes. It had made her heart ache as she watched him piece it together. She knew this is where he would hate her. Even if she tried and denied it again, he still knew and there was nothing that could change that.

“You.” That was when the first tear fell from her eyes. His hands dropped to his sides as he took a step back. When she reached out to him, he hit her hand away. “Bucky-”

“Everything was a lie, wasn’t it?” His head shook as he looked at her. His heart ached in a way he believed he never felt before. He had felt and done many things during his lifetime. He regretted many things and several of them he wished on everything he could take them back. But the one thing he never regretted was meeting and falling in love with Y/N. At least that was until now. “You are pretty good at your job sweetheart, I’ll give you that.”

“I have lied about plenty of things, but my feelings for you weren’t one of them.” Y/N needed him to understand that.

Her confessions of care and love towards him hadn’t been faked at any point. Her annoyance in the beginning had been clear. It took months for them to warm up to each other, let alone work well together on missions. And while she was the double agent, it was only until her feelings had shifted, right along with Bucky’s, that she realized she couldn’t go through with her mission.

“Don’t feed me that bullshit.” His eyes narrowed at her. “Everything I have known about you has been a lie. From the moment I met you I should have listened to my gut.” He shook his head before running his fleshed hand down his face. “You started this by taking the mission.” He said as he looked into her eyes. “The least you can do is finish ripping my heart out by telling the damn truth for once.”

Her eyes widdened slightly as she took in his words. She knew that this was a justified reaction from him. But it didn’t hurt anyless to hear that she was breaking him. The first relationship he had away from Hydra and she was tormenting him by not telling him the truth.

She looked elsewhere for a moment as she tried to get her emotions in check. After all those years of training, she found them to be useless in that moment. Tears were falling freely with no intent to stop. They were silent and didn’t affect her in the way it would to someone else.

“You want the whole truth? Okay. Here it is.” If it would help in some way to either ease things between them or get them going for the inevitable reveal to the others, she’d give it all up. “Hydra caught wind that you were having your programming removed.” His eyes widened for a moment as he took in her words. “For the right price, there are no secrets, even in closed borders, you know that. Agents were trying to find their place after the fall of SHIELD. It was easy to have a background created for me and I was tossed in with the potentials. It didn’t take long for my skillsets to be noticed and I was brought in rather quickly. I was to observe and report what was necessary to my superiors. And when the time came I was to assess if the Winter Soldier could be returned and utilized or put down.

"I played my role and mingled with everyone. I reported back when necessary. Much like you with the hesitancy towards me, I had the same with you. Yes, I feared that you’d figure it out early on and kill me. I expected it from the moment you returned from Wakanda. I stayed on edge waiting for the moment that you would figure it out. But you never did. And when you managaged to actually hold a conversation with me for longer than two seconds, I knew I had my way in.” She watched as a glare formed on his face and when he opened his mouth to speak she quickly continued.

“Things started to change between us. I fought it because I was supposed to be doing my job and not falling for you. Your death was supposed to come that first mission alone together after it was agreed by my superiors that you were to be put down. You were so eager to get the mission done that you never realized you had a gun pointed at your head several times.” She wiped the tears from her cheek. Bucky had shook his head at her words. No doubt hating himself for not realizing it then. “Nor did you see how I struggled to get myself to pull the trigger. Because every time you looked back to check on me, all I could see was Bucky and not the asset that I was meant to put down. All I could see was the freedom and relationship that I craved and I couldn’t do it.

“The moment we got back from that mission I left for a few days. I said it was because I had a family emergency that I needed to take care of. That was the last lie I told you. Because I couldn’t tell you that I was going to either get myself killed or I was going to take down the base that not even the Avengers knew about.”

The moment she mentioned it, Bucky remembered that night. He remembered, for the first time in a long while, being anxious waiting for Y/N to return home from checking in on her family. The night she had left he was going to tell her how he felt. The feelings that had been developing for her, he needed her to know.

Bucky had been working up the courage the week leading up to the mission. But he couldn’t get himself to. And when they got back, he was on his way to her room to tell her when he caught word she had left rather quickly. The only thing anyone knew was something was going on with her family. So Bucky waited a little longer to tell her.

After almost a week and a half, Bucky woke up in the middle of the night to find Y/N sitting in the doorway to his room. At first he believed he was dreaming until he got up and walked over to her. He had expected to see some kind of smirk on her lips or some kind of joke about her being a lurker. Instead he found her face and neck covered in yellowing bruises.

“What happened?” He asked, quickly moving to sit beside her and take in the damage.

“Some times checking in on your family means getting your ass beat in the process.” It was a horrible joke but it had made her chuckle slightly as tears formed in her eyes.

He brought his hand under her chin and lifted it slightly, angling her face up and to the side to get a better look at her neck. “Should have called in for some back up. I gladly would have stepped in.” They chuckled and she shook her head.

“I assure you, they wouldn’t be able to touch anyone again.”

Her words caused an eyebrow to raise on his face. “Am I being sworn to secrecy with that statement? Cause I can-”

“You wont have to worry about anything.” She promised. “I’m free from anything incriminating.” She looked down the hall towards where her room was. “I’ve only been back a few minutes, I didn’t want to wake you. You actually looked like you were sleeping peacefully tonight. I just needed-”

“It’s okay.” He assured her. He stayed with her in that spot for a little longer before she excused herself to go to her room.

The next morning they received the news that a hydra base had been taken down with no idea who had done it. No mission had been scheduled. They didn't even know that particular base had existed. Yet it had been up in flames without anyone alive to explain what was going on. Local authorities had been the ones to find the base in shambles and it took some time to reach the compound.

“I should kill you right now.” His voice had been calm. The words had even shocked him as they left his lips. Maybe it was the mix of emotions, but there was no stopping them once they left his lips.

Without any hesitation, Y/N shot her hand up above her head, grabbing the hilt of the knife, pulling it free. The moment she had it free, Bucky had his vibranium hand wrapped around hers. He thought she had been attempting to use it against him, and as he tried to keep it from meeting him, she easily brought it closer to her, letting the tip of the blade meet her shirt right above her heart.

“Do it, you’d be doing both of us a favor.” For a brief moment she saw the way his eyes softened at her words and actions before they hardened just as they had moments before. “I never intended to fall for you. But you made me care and I couldn’t stop myself. You want to kill me, go ahead. I deserve it for what I’ve done.”

Bucky pulled the blade away from her and brought it down to his side. “You should have told me the truth sooner. When you knew you couldn’t go through with it. Or even that night. We sat up for hours, you should have told me. I would have let you go then instead of having to find out this way when you slipped up.”

“I know, and I understand that I should have. But you-”

“Leave.” He couldn’t let her finish what she was about to say. While he didn’t know it word for word, he knew she would say along the lines of ‘now he knew and they could start over, now he knew and once she told the others they could make their way past this’. Part of him wanted to let her be that selfish. But the other part that now saw her only as someone that used him, he couldn’t bring himself to allow her any of it.

She nodded her head. “Okay, I’ll give you some space.”

“I meant leave here completely. I don’t want to see you around here anymore. In fact I expect you to be somewhere across the world by morning.”

“What? No-”

“If you don’t leave, I will gladly walk out of this room and alert everyone that Hydra is within their walls.” He would quickly do it if it allowed him the peace of her being gone. He couldn’t stand to look at her right now.

"I am not Hydra anymore!" She was glad the music had been blasting down the hall or else she would have given herself away with how loudly she had yelled it at him. “If you’re going to take anything away from this, please let that be it.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head. He moved towards the door to leave. As his flesh hand grabbed the door knob, she placed hers on top of his, causing him to look over at her with a glare.

“I know you don’t owe me any favors, and I definitely don’t deserve this, but please. Just pretend we’re okay, just for tonight, just for show.” She watched as his eyes hadn’t changed as he kept them on her. “Please. The others don’t need to hear about this right now and I promise that I’ll be gone by sunrise.”

He stood there for a moment, taking her in one last time. For the briefest of moments, this was his Y/N that he was looking at. The woman he had loved with everythin he could give. She wasn’t the enemy that had been standing in front of him. Nor was she the woman that broke his heart several times within their conversation tonight.

The pain in his chest shattered the illusion a moment later and all he could see and feel was the betrayal from her. The lies he had heard over the years on a loop in his mind as he looked into her eyes. He couldn’t give her the whole night she was asking for. He didn’t even know if he’d be capable of giving her any time longer than him walking out of this room.

“I’ll give you until your candles are out.” He said as he shook her hand off of his and opened the door. “That’s the only time you’ll get. After that it’s fair game.”

As the door slammed shut behind him, she closed her eyes and let a shakey breath out. She had expected him to say no. To tell her to leave once more before he left the room. She had expected to be running to their shared room and packing a bag to slip out under the radar. But he gave her smallest window of nothing being wrong.

Leaving the room, she quickly ducked into the nearest bathroom to collect herself. Thankfully there hadn’t been many people in the hall and there wasn’t someone already in the bathroom. Making quick use of her time, she ensured that not a single evidence of tears had been on her face and made sure her eyes didn’t hold the emotions she had been feeling. With one last deep breath, she walked back out to the party.

“There she is!” Clint yelled out, catching her attention. “We’ve been trying to keep Thor off of the cake.”

In the last few moments the music had been lowered significantly, to a decent volume. Thankfully they hadn’t decided to do so before she and Bucky had walked out of the room. If they had, she was sure she’d be greeted differently.

“Didn’t I tell you it wouldn’t be long before cake?” Sam teased.

“Someone couldn’t keep their hands off.”

Bucky’s voice had surprised her. As her eyes snapped to his, there wasn’t the playful gleam within his eyes. If anything, he was hiding the glare that wanted to form. He sent a wink her way before he brought the beer bottle up to his lips. The subtle message that he agreed and wouldn’t take it back. He’d keep the new charade up as long as she left just as he asked.

“Enough of that!” Nat said before Y/N could respond. She came over to Y/N and began leading her to stand in front of the cake. “Let’s sing and cut the cake before they decide to disappear again.”

The instant Y/N was in place, Nat began to light the candles on the cake quickly. But her eyes never left Bucky as he moved to stand closer to her for the time being. The others gathered around and it wasn’t long before a countdown started and the singing began. Taking Y/N’s full attention.

From the opposite side of the cake, she watched as the people who had become her friends over the last several years sing to her. The smiles on their faces as they had were something she’d never forget. And as her eyes landed on Bucky, he too had been participating just as she asked him too. The sparkler candles adding the right touch to the memory she was creating in her mind. The memory she’d keep with her for as long as she could after she left. The and only birthday celebrated with them all.

As the song came to an end, she could see the way Bucky’s eyes had been on anywhere else but her. He had even stopped singing mid song before the others had even finished singing. The ‘normal’ coming to an end.

While every one told her to make some kind of wish, Y/N couldn’t bring herself to. While she could wish for anything and everything to take back today, and even the last few years she would. But the damage had been done. There was no going back now.

I’m sorry. She thought as she blew out the candles.

In the midst of the cheers and the cake being moved away, Y/N was gone from sight. The only one who noticed it at first was Bucky. He watched her the whole entire time. He watched as she manuevored out of sight from the others and down towards the hall.

The moment she was gone from sight, Bucky’s body slumped slightly. The tension in his body leaving as he sat himself down in the nearest chair. The action hadn’t go unnoticed by some of his friends.

“You alright Buck?” Steve’s voice filled his ears as caught his movement in his peripheral taking a seat next to him.

“Give me the rest of tonight to give you an answer to that.” He said even though his eyes never left the hallway.

He had hardly got a grip on the situation himself. He was still processing the information, her words on a loop in his head, along with the hurt he was feeling had his mind spinning. Because how could he begin to explain that the woman they all cared for had been lying for years?

“Where’d Y/N go?” Steve asked keeping his attention on Bucky.

Bucky shrugged his shoulders, trying to keep his emotions at bay. “Your guess is as good as mine.” He finally brought his attention to Steve. “I just need time to give you the ‘why’ of it all.”

After years of freedom from the organization that manipulated, used, and tormented him, Hydra sure had a way of making its presence known in his life even after being destroyed. The relief of freedom he felt had been taken away from him the moment he had opened that file. And the genuine happiness he felt had been shattered to pieces the moment she confirmed his thoughts.

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georgiapeach30513 · 2 years

Text

Misguided Ghosts, Part 7

Summary: It’s time for little Rosewyn Penelope Jensen

Pairings: Jake Jensen X Reader, Jake Jensen X Charles Blackwood

Rating: mature

Warnings: language, childbirth, mentions of going mad, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 2.5K

Series Masterlist

*dividers by @firefly-graphics

Strawberries. It’s all your little Rosewyn wanted to eat. Strawberry anything. Jake had made sure that there was a fresh stock of strawberry ice cream, strawberry yogurt, strawberry lollipops, strawberry wafers, strawberry Kit Kats, strawberry jam, strawberry preserves, and of course all the strawberries you could want. Varying different sizes, and colors, and something called pine berries that definitely looked like pink strawberries to you. Rosewyn Penelope loved those the most.

You stop your cutting of the pine berries to rub over your belly, “You better quit it,” you warn her. “I know you want a bite to eat, but if you don’t stop hurting mommy, you’re not getting anything,” your little angel quits kicking for a moment, and you pop one of the pink berries into your mouth.

“I’m making a strawberry, er, pine berry pie for us for tonight’s dessert. We’ll have some whipped cream, and…oh,” you grab at your stomach again, “Rosewyn, darling, please, the oven is nearly preheated.”

She won’t talk to you, ya know? Charles rolls his eyes, but still watches you curiously. There was a beauty to the way you moved around with just you and your bump. You loved the thought of being pregnant. Adored her already. I just don’t understand why you do the things you do. Even when she comes out of you, she’ll be dumb.

Your head perks up, and you turn to look behind you, staring directly at Charles who freezes. Did you hear me? Rosewyn, I apologize, but babies are dumb.

Taking a deep breath, because you felt yourself going crazy in this house. You swore you heard something. You start humming Brahms lullaby, ignoring whatever it was you heard. You have heard more voices since being pregnant. More reason to think you and Jake weren’t alone. That portrait had to go. You didn’t care if it was burned or taken to a museum, he had to go.

“Ugh,” you squeeze at your stomach again, slamming the knife on the counter, “Little lady if you don’t…oh shit,” trickles of liquid start drifting down your leg, and your lip starts to tremble. “J-J-Jake,” you squeak out, knowing that there was no way that he heard that. “Shit, ahh!” Crumpling up from the pain that lights up your body.

Charles stares at you dumbfounded for a moment, about to curse you for peeing on the floor. Oh shit! Your water broke.

“I’m seriously going crazy. Ahh!” You scream, starting to sink to the floor.

Jake! Jacob Jensen! Charles jumps from the counter, ready to find your boyfriend who was still sleeping away.

“I wanted to surprise, daddy!” You cry out, getting upset that the pie was most definitely put on hold. “Rosewyn, you love the pink strawberries.”

“Jake!” Charles materializes, starting to shake Jake awake. “Jacob!”

“Only my mother calls me that,” he mumbles, flopping over on the other side. “Go away. I’m mad at you.”

“Be mad, but,” he didn’t have to say anything when you scream again, and Jake jolts awake on the bed. “Yeah, she’s in labor.”

“You could have said something. Damn…how long?”

“That mucus plug you two were talking about is in my kitchen.”

“Really? You’re going to complain about something like that?” Jake asks, grabbing at his glasses. “These are dirty.”

“Jake! Jake, I think the baby is coming!”

“Damn. Shit! Fuck! Asshole,” he points a finger at Charles. “I’m putting clothes on! Uh,” Jake didn’t have time to think as he grabs up what he wore yesterday, and Charles turns up his nose, “I’ve got clothes in the bag beside the door…did I put it beside the door? Is it in the car? In the closet?”

“That monstrosity of yours, hers, and my daughter’s clothes is beside the door. You tripped over it, remember? Because it’s too big. Why do you need so many things?” Jake nods his head, slipping on some boots, without tying them. “Wait?”

“A baby is going to be coming out of my girlfriend, and you’re asking me to wait? Seriously? Timing, dude.”

“I’m not your dude. I just…” Jake’s eyes go wide, urging Charles to hurry with whatever he was wanting to ask, “Can I try and enter your body, and leave? There is a strong possibility she’s mine or at least both of ours. I want to be there.”

“Huh?”

“I know I’m an ass.”

“Yeah, threatening us. That’s my girlfriend, and my daughter, and you…you’re a meanie.”

“Jake! Hurry!”

“But I did help you land your girl, I should be there. I want to be there, and it might not even work,” staring with an irritated face, Jake holds his hands open wide, lifting his head to the ceiling. “Is this an invitation?”

“Are you a vampire? You have my permission to enter my body.”

“Jake!” You growl as Charles steps into Jake’s body, and Jake runs down the stairs, and into the kitchen where you were doubled over, trying to breathe steadily. “What. The. Hell. Took you so long?”

“I was…breathing?” You look up at him, and if looks could kill, Jake would be as dead as Charles. “I’m sorry, I’m kind of a…new man right now, and…wow, honey, you were making us a pine berry pie? Rosewyn would have been so happy.”

“Rosewyn is clawing her way out of my vagina.”

“Really?” He quips; his voice going up an octave.

“No, not really. But your daughter is also…ugh…” your eyes roll into the back of your head, as you grunt through the contraction. “She’s impatient Jake…can we?”

“Yeah, right. Right…oh can I look?” Your head jerks up to look at him so fast, and you curl your lip up at him. “Like, am I allowed to look when she’s playing peek-a-boo with your vagina?”

“Are you going to fuck me again?” You ask, directing Jake to walk you out the door.

Why would you want to see that?

“I like seeing your cunt stretched out,” he shrugs.

I worry about you. This is weird.

“It’s not weird. It’s beautiful. Sometimes it’s sexual, but this is beautiful. Our daughter is going to be squeezing out of your vagina. Yes, I’ll continue to have sex with you, Giggles, I’ve wanted this since we became friends.”

“You have?” You sweetly ask, stopping just to look up at him. He nods, smiling and gives you a kiss, “Jake, we’re about to be….ah! We gotta go. Let’s go.”

“Wish us luck,” Jake mumbles, hoping that he doesn’t feel Charles get jerked out of his body after he walks out of the house. Or leaves the property. Or…Jake wasn’t exactly sure where Charles was going to be cut off. He was thankful that for once Charles was quiet. Letting Jake fully be present with you.

He tries to flip his eyes to the back of his head, wondering if he could spy Charles. Would he know if he was still even with him? Would Rosewyn pop out of your body, and she glowed like how Charles sometimes did? He was starting to worry. He had too many questions.

“Yes!” Charles screams through Jake’s voice, and both you and Jake jolt at the scream. You turn to look at him confused, as he straightens the car back out.

Sorry. Just thought I’d let you know, I’m still very much present. And I wasn’t poofed back into my chair. Is it because that really is my daughter and I’m able to be with her.

Could you enter into the baby?

What?

“Well, wouldn’t it be neat to feel birth as a baby, but you were conscious as an adult,” trying to breathe through another contraction, you glare at Jake. “I mean, imagine seeing the vagina from the inside out.”

“Our baby is not interested in my vagina, Jake!”

“Oh,” he sheepishly says, apologizing to you. “I’m going to drive a bit faster.”

You’re an idiot. I’m not going to enter into the baby. It’s gross. The only part of me I want in her pussy is my fingers, my tongue, or my fat cock.

Or just use me to fuck her while she’s awake.

Are you ever going to tell her?

Are you?

Both men sit quietly, and Jake offers his hand over to you, and you grab it immediately. Squeezing the life out of his hand, while he grimaces. He didn’t even know what pain was. Didn’t know that you were enduring this for your precious angel.

Is she going to glow?

Who?

The baby. Let’s say the baby is in fact yours or at least a mix of us, will she glow?

I have no clue. I’ve never done this or even know if it’s possible. I saw her looking like a fucking goddess and she was flirting with my portrait, and I wanted to fuck her. Mid fuck I got the bright idea of knocking her up, and then YOU came into the picture. You were never meant to be there.

But…you have no idea what you’re doing? What if there’s like ghost STIs or…

I don’t have a disease! My cock is clean.

But…you just…you don’t know what you’re doing, and you’re testing out a theory.

That’s how all good scientists do their research.

Are you a scientist?

No.

I hate you.

I abhor you as well.

“Jake! Slow down, there’s the entrance to the damn hospital! Jake, are you freaking out because you’re about to be a dad?” You were starting to get worried. He was so distracted. It was weird, and made you nervous.

No, he’s just having a conversation with me in his head. Maybe I’m not even really here. Maybe you have descended into madness, and this is all a figment of your imagination.

“I’m so happy about being parents, and more happy because it’s with you. Our Rosewyn Penelope Jensen is going to be so spoiled,” and I hate you!

Ehh, I do think you really have gone mad.

“Oh, she’s…she’s giving birth right now,” the doctor lifts up your blanket, giving an awkward laugh up to you and Jake. “You weren’t lying dad. Look,” he smiles back at a nurse pointing towards you, “Hair.”

“Could you maybe fucking deliver our baby?”

“No need to cuss dad. We gotta wait on a contraction. Yep. There it is,” you hated this place. The doctor was a fucking weirdo. The nurses even looked at him like he was a pariah in his own hospital. They were disgusted by the way he was acting. “Dad, you want to watch?”

You give him a head nod as he steps down to you. His eyebrows go to the top of his head, and he looks back up with an awkward grin, “You feel that?”

“I feel everything,” you groan, pushing again. “Is she out yet?” You pant, getting a moment of rest while you wait. And here comes another one.

“She’s…uh, that’s my baby’s head. Oh! Giggles, keep going, baby. Keep…oh,” he looks up at you confused. And then back down to the doctor fully pulling Rosewyn out of you.

“She’s not crying. Jake, why isn’t crying? Is there something wrong with my baby,” the tears of pain were now worried cries, but then you see her fingers start to bend, “Why isn’t she crying?”

“She’s breathing,” Charles makes Jake turn to glare at the doctor. He had kept his eyes closed inside of Jake. He didn’t need to see you pushing out a baby. But then the doctor brought up the fact she was breathing. She looked a little blue to him. Blue meant ghostling. He was sure of that. “She’s just…she’s very calm. Rosewyn.”

“Don’t you pinch my baby!” Jake screams at him, ready to grab the baby and hold her close to his chest.

“I squeezed her arm,” he gives Jake a shrug, and looks over at you, “Overprotective dad, am I right? So…you guys live at Blackwood Manor?”

“It’s a castle!” Charles shouts through Jake, and Jake retches.

Man stop doing that. It’s making me sick.

“Yeah…so is that where you two live?”

“Can you give me my baby!” What was wrong with this man? You just wanted to hold your daughter, and he was asking about where you lived. “Once I have her, then we can discuss my place of living.”

“Doctor, the baby, she needs her mom,” a nurse looks between you and the doctor. “The mother and baby need each other.”

“Oh, yeah. Won’t have to pinch her anymore. You got a, um,” he stops talking long enough for the nurse to get you situated. “Yeah, uh…my mom always told me that my dad was the illegitimate son of Charles Blackwood.”

What did he just say?

“For real? Like, you’ve got Blackwood blood in you? That creepy…handsome portrait of Charles is in our formal living room,” you couldn’t stop staring at this precious baby. Her eyes blink up at you, and you can't stop your tears. She was perfect. So soft, so beautiful, and she was yours and Jake’s.

“That’s the rumor. Oh, here comes the after birth.”

Please, don’t watch that.

I’m going to watch my baby.

“Jake,” you whine, picking up your daughter who was wide eyed and sight looking around the room. “She never cries. Have you heard her cry?”

“No.”

Because she’s a ghostling. You see a bit of blue in her skin color? Haunting blue.

“She’s fine,” he squeaks, reaching out to hold her. “Are you sleeping?”

“No,” you admit. You couldn’t relax. “I’m afraid that she’ll starve to death. Am I nursing her too much? And then I think she’s always got a dirty diaper, but she just doesn’t cry. She doesn’t whine, doesn’t make a peep. And…something is wrong. Rosewyn, won’t you cry for mommy?”

Oh, my god, Charles rolls his eyes. He walks over to Jake, leaning over Rosewyn, and she sneezes. Looking directly at him, before her mouth turns up into a smile. Most parents would kill to be in your position. A baby that never cries sounds like a walk in the park. And she smiles at me.

“I just feel that there’s something wrong with her.”

“She doesn't look blue,” Jake says too loudly. “She’s perfect. Look at her. She’s a little princess. No! A little angel.”

A little ghost.

“A perfect little angel,” he repeats, pulling you over onto his arms. “And I got the best girls in the world.”

And you're the best delusional step father I’ve ever met. Have you figured out if I’m a ghost or if you’re just going crazy? It’s kinda funny to get into your thoughts, replying to everything. Maybe Jakey Jakey is a bit crazy? Haha…you don’t even know what is real.

“She’s real, Giggles. And she’s really ours.”

You’re going to pretend I don’t exist now aren’t you? Have me in your thoughts for the rest of your life. But ignore me. Ignore my every word as you sink further into your darkness. Your little blue tinted baby that’s really mine, saw me. Do you even know what’s real anymore? Are you even here? Is she even here? Have you created this reality because you couldn’t face the real one? Weren’t you captured in war? Can you be sure what’s real?

“I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted. Right in my arms.”

Live in denial. You and I both know what’s really going on here, don’t we?

Don’t we?

Masterlist

Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @sstan-hoe @infatuatedharleys @peaches1958 @pono-pura-vida @feyfantome @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @seitmai @stronginawayjbb @smile1318 @avengersalways @toozmanykids @elrw24 @lavender-annd-lilac @xcaptain-winterx @redbloodedgurl @andydrysdalerogers @bambamwolf87 @cjand10

#misguided ghosts #jake jensen #jake jensen x reader #jake jensen x fem!reader #jake jensen x y/n #jake jensen x you #charles blackwood #ghost!charles blackwood #charles blackwood x reader #charles blackwood x fem!reader #charles blackwood x y/n #charles blackwood x you #jake jensen x reader x charles blackwood #jake jensen fanfiction #jake jensen fics #jake jensen fic #charles blackwood fanfiction #charles blackwood fics #charles blackwood fic

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nekoannie-chan · 2 years

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Secrets Chapter 2: The Beginning or The End of Everything? part I

Pairing: Steve Rogers X OFC, Brock Rumlow X OFC.

Word count: 1095 words.

Summary: Sometimes keeping secrets can be dangerous or a heavy burden, which is what Kathleen has been doing for years. She will also be in charge of guiding Steve Rogers into this century; meanwhile, S.H.I.E.L.D. will be looking for a way to kick-start the Avengers Initiative by integrating her as one of the superheroes, but that won't be the only danger they face.

Warnings: Mutual pinning.

You can read it on Wattpad and Ao3 too.

A/N: After long time working on this longfic, I finally post it. If you wanna be added to the taglist, let me know.

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics to be posted on other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and are not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

Add yourself to my taglist here.

My other media where I publish: Ao3, Wattpad, ffnet, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter.

If you like it, please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

You can read it on Wattpad and Ao3 too. Secrets masterlist. Previous chapter. Next chapter.

The first thing Brock taught her was how to pilot one of the organization's ships. Kath was very surprised at all of his skills.

"After you set the coordinates, you press this button," he explained.

"Brockie, is there anything you don't know how to do?" she asked curiously.

"Create energy fields, move things with your mind, open portals, and read your mind," Brock replied, making her laugh.

"I think we make a good team," Kath said, doing what the other had instructed her to do.

Brock nodded with a smile and turned to see her. He liked that she was happy; he thought she was beautiful, and more so when she laughed. He wanted to kiss her, but it was not the best place, and he did not want them to have an accident.

For the next three months, Brock trained her in the gym in hand-to-hand combat, but he always tried not to hurt her to the extent that she thought he did not take her seriously.

"Brock, what's wrong with you? Do you think I'm weak or what?" she complained, annoyed.

"No, I just don't want to hurt you," Brock answered.

"In the missions, they won't care about that, if we don't train seriously, it won't do any good," Kath exploded as she threw a punch to provoke him, and he stopped her.

"I know, but I'm not going to let anyone hurt you and I don't want to hurt you," he approached her and caressed her cheek, "Come on, I'll buy you lunch," he invited her, and she accepted.

He couldn't stop thinking about her; after these months, he realized that he had fallen in love with her. Suni had told him to go on with his life, so the only thing he was worried about now was losing Kath.

One day he saw Kath chatting animatedly with Klein, and the first thing he thought was that the technician wanted something with her; he simply was not going to allow it; he would not let any agent, technician, or anyone flirt with her; somehow he was going to conquer her, and she was going to be his. When he saw the boy alone, he pulled him from behind, making him crash against the wall.

"What the hell were you doing with Kathleen?" Brock asked him angrily while threatening him with the gun.

"Nothing, we were talking about work "Cameron cowered while he avoided looking at the Commander, terror was invading him, he knew the least about handling weapons because his job didn't include missions or anything where he needed them, so he knew he had no chance against Brock, who was an expert in handling different weapons.

"You better not go near him or talk to him if it's not about work, or else you'll have to deal with me," Brock threatened as he put the gun closer to him.

"Yes, sir," the technician stammered, and Brock pushed him away.

Kathleen never found out what had happened; Cameron was too afraid of Brock, so he only talked to her about work. Rumlow, on the other hand, had to maintain a certain image with her, especially since he wouldn't tell her his big secret, for everyone's sake, especially hers, since she wasn't going to let Pierce hurt her.

They had already had several missions together, sometimes in conjunction with the STRIKE team or with other agents.

Brock loved spending time with Kath, and vice versa. Not to mention that Brock had been there at various times when she had needed him and the other way around. Brock knew everything about Kath, and Kath knew almost everything about Brock, except for one big secret he kept—something she couldn't find out.

Nevertheless, Jack realized the situation; Brock would be in trouble, but now his dilemma was whether to warn his friend or keep quiet.

"Are you okay?" Leah asked her brother.

"Yeah, I was just thinking," Jack replied, pretending not to care.

"I know you, and I know you're lying to me. Oh, I know! You're in love. "

"No, you're crazy; you'd better tell me, is your wheelchair fixed?" Jack tried to tell his sister as little as possible about his job; he didn't want to put her in any more danger.

"Well, it works well, can't you tell? But don't ignore me; who is she?"

Jack left the kitchen; he wouldn't explain himself, and besides, he still had to finish some documents he had been asked to finish, and later they had a meeting with Pierce.

"Hey, even if you walk fast, you know I'll catch up with you. Don't go, Jack; tell your sister; you're such an idiot that you'll ruin everything for sure. I can give you some tips so she'll agree to go out with you, and I'll tell you so you can see how much I love you for being my brother."

"There is no girlfriend," Jack exclaimed in desperation, stopping and turning to face her.

"Well, boyfriend, whatever it is, I don't care, but I can give you tips."

"Leah, shut up; there's no one special," Jack scolded her.

Leah squinted her eyes analyzing her brother, she didn't remember him having any girlfriends, or if he had, he probably had ruined everything, though he rather seemed worried about something or someone, she was fine then, there was only one person left...

"Now what did idiot Brock do?" Leah asked.

"What? "Jack frowned; she was sure her sister wasn't a mind reader.

"I know you both; what did he do?" she asked again. "Ah, he's the one in love, and I'm sure he asked you for some tips, and you don't know what to tell him."

"Did he?" Jack was confused; he realized what was going on, but Brock never told him anything.

"Tell him he can come over and I'll give him some tips, and she won't be able to say no," Leah assured with a smile. She also saw Brock as a big brother, so she was happy that he had found someone.

"She's the daughter of someone from S.H.I.E.L.D.," Jack commented.

"What, she's an agent too?" Leah thought differently.

"By the way, what do you mean, tips?" Jack barely noticed his little sister's words.

"I'm popular in college," she replied without giving it a thought.

"Popular... then we'll talk seriously, young lady," Jack threatened.

"Jack."

"Leah. "

"I want to meet Brock's girl."

"No, you don't."

"I do, so fix that," Leah said, turning around to go back to her bedroom.

Ꭲꭺꮐꮮꮖꮪꭲ:

@saiyanprincessswanie @sinceimetyou @unnuevosoltransformalarealidad @navybrat817 @angrythingstarlight @shield-agent78 @charmed-asylum @pandaxnienke @real-fbi @smokeandnailz @white-wolf1940 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @xoxonotme @bluemusickid @leyannrae @harrysthiccthighss @marvelatthisone @caplanbuckybarnes @sapphire-rogers @lizzieolseniskinda @notyourtypicalrose @hallecarey1 @nana1000night @talia-rumlow @mylifeispainandiloveit @writingshae @alexxavicry @azulatodoryuga @daemonslittlebitch @sweater-daddiesdumbdork @jtargaryen18 @chaoticcollectivenightmare @endlesstwanted

#Secrets #Steve Rogers x OFC #brock rumlow x ofc

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somelazyassartist · 2 years

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I'm. Not going to go into a huge ramble right now because I've done it before and I'll probably do it again later but I am running off of zero sleep and a sonic the hedgehog g fuel so if I talk a lot now it WILL end up incomprehensible but. Just a tiny post since I am thinking about it.

[Edit: it became a huge incomprehensible ramble anyways. It's under the cut if you want to see opinions on the TAZ graphic novel (and sorta the fanon) versions of Taako. But please dear Istus do not think I'm talking about the entire fandom it is just one specific brand of fanon-interpretation I'm talking about, NOT the fandom as a whole please I know enough about Tumblr's reading comprehension to know I should probably put a warning here now that I am talking about a specific trend and not an entire group of people who all have different opinions and also that this is ALSO just my own opinion myself. Oh and also this isn't meant to be like an attack on anyone it's just a personal peeve so if I sound frustrated that's just a Me Thing not me being like mad at anyone in particular Thank you very much genuinely for reading this and understanding]

But like,,,, does it bother anyone else or is it just me that the fandom's perception of Taako has become like. WAY more of a stuck-up ass than he ever really was in the podcast ever since the graphic novels came out? Like don't get me wrong he is a dick but he's never been, like, cruel for the most part.

But like, putting on HtbG (podcast) and then putting him next to the gn version of him is like.... Almost not the same character to me? It's like most people forget podcast Taako started out as the "dumb but sweet joke character" who was constantly slow to pick up on social cues and who the other characters repeatedly would take pity on and make fun of for being "the idiot of the group". And again he is a dick but he's not, like, Seriously a Mean Person!!

Also a decent chunk of the "antagonistic" stuff later on is still a continuation of him not getting social cues like in the beginning (for example, his bit where he threatens Angus for potentially becoming a better wizard than he is, realizing afterwards that his tone didn't come across the way he intended and that Angus interpreted that as being serious, and backtracked to try to clear up that he didn't mean to come off as serious and only meant it as a joke. And also says very explicitly in the same episode that he intends for most of his "mean" behavior throughout the series to come off as joking between equals and he doesn't mean for other people to take it seriously. He just says that.).

And he has, like, unspoken morality about what "harmful" things he does too, especially when it comes to like stealing stuff. If you listen to the podcast he (with very VERY VERY few exceptions) only ever steals from people who are dead- who will no longer be using those items and would be letting them go to waste unmoved- and people who have directly wronged him or his loved ones from his point of view. He actively tries to stop the other two from stealing from innocent people!! There's a whole scene where he establishes he isn't comfortable taking from people who don't deserve it and who need that money!! And then you go into the exact same scene in the graphic novel and.... He's exclaiming that he's going to steal a bunch of shit. Not just any shit, the exact shit he was trying to STOP the others from stealing in the podcast.

Which just doesn't feel like Taako at all!! In fact when he stole and sold Angus' grandfather's silverware and realized Angus really didn't deserve that, he felt guilty about it and tried giving some of it back for him and making up for the rest with quality time and magic lessons! but now when I look at fandom stuff (at least what I've come across) it seems a lot more people lean towards the more kleptomania-fueled dickhead Taako than the much tamer original version, and I have to say I prefer the original more!! He has so much more dimension to me in the podcast- not even because there's more time to flesh him out there than in the gn- but because while he is rude and foul-mouthed at times he has pretty explicit limits and will get upset if people try to force him to cross it! (Also seen with his elevator-related PTSD and him having a very reasonable breakdown when his emotional limits were repeatedly crossed with fair warning from him he'd freak out if forced into going in there..... which got cut from the graphic novels as well because of course it did).

And going forward, with gn Taako being so much more selfish and inhospitable than the original version, I feel like they might cut out his "I'm not a piece of meat" scene in TSG, because if they DO keep it in there's no way to me personally that it'll feel earned in any regard- tell me when in the graphic novels has he pretty much ever shown the genuine humility that the original version carries under his standoffish persona. I don't see it, and I don't think whatever happens between Crystal Kingdom's gn and The Suffering Game's gn will be enough to make that scene feel genuine to me. I really, honestly believe that.

Of course there's some things I do like about the graphic novels and I'm more than willing to give the next ones a fair shot (Crystal Kingdom was a lot better than I expected it to be!) but I really, really, REALLY don't like how the graphic novels (and to a small extent, the fandom) really over-emphasize how mean he is to people when if you listen back to the original in a lot of cases he's much more mellow and kind or is just not picking up on other people's tones/social cues and is being misinterpreted (both by other characters in-fiction and/or certain listeners) because it's established in the text he's bad at picking up that sort of thing

#anyways. you can pry Autistic Taako out of my cold dead fucking hands #not picking up/expressing tone and social cues well?? showing affection in 'weird' ways????#having trouble with things he 'should know at his age' like math but being very smart in more niche subjects like aphorisms and cooking????#anyways. not entirely related to my rant but I'm sleep deprived and would ramble more about how fucking autistic Taako is #if i didn't already write a whole essay right now about other things about him and also wasn't sleep deprived as shit lmao #but maybe I'll write more about him being autistic later <3 #taako taaco #Taako #taako adventurezone #taz taako #taako taz #graphic novel taako die 100000000 deaths #<- was my first (and only) suggested tag regarding that version of him and i still stand by it

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catsconflictscopicsandchamomile · 1 year

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Serious Post For Once. MAJOR trigger warning for some fully-mask-off discussions of (mostly my own internal) racism, generally Actually Talking Abt Real Shit For Once.

ok, so..hm

I don't have the energy to try to write this academically rn so I'm just going to word-vomit it out.

I am really having....Feelings... about the characters of Grendel and Grendel's Mother, specifically re: race and BIPOC identities.

I personally am white as the driven snow (though Jewish, whatever that counts for in 2023. still 'wtf' abt all that personally).

I have been putting my heart and soul into a story centering modern/reincarnated versions of Grendel and Grendel's Mother for about three years now. they are some form of shapeshifter, usually take animalistic/monstrous/hybrid forms, often eat humans, and are canonically descended from Cain (kinda. its complicated but basically they are). they are also both EXTREMELY white.

I'd actually made this choice with an intentional eye on race, way back when this story started outgrowing its roots as a supernatural fanfiction (please dont ask). no longer limited to spn's Genuinely Concerningly White Actor Pool, I had to really look at these characters re: race and decide what I was doing going forward. At the time, I was already looking into Maria Dahvana Headley's "The Mere Wife", and its centering of race both intrigued and really repelled me. At first, the (lbr) graphic depictions of how this story's Grendel's nonwhiteness informs the violence against him shocked me in the way I think they were "supposed" to, and made me really take a step back and reconsider the entire narrative of Beowulf (though to b clear I was already pro-Grendel's side of things at this point) in terms of how closely it matched more modern treatments of BIPOC and specifically young men.

...and then I went "wait. isn't Maria Dahvana Headley white???"

after a LOT of research failed to provide any contradicting evidence, my self-reflection and serious though turned to genuine strong disgust. It felt, and still feels, VERY weird that a white woman with (afaik) white kids wrote a lot of the sentiments in this novel. if you've read it, you know the ones that I mean.

I attempted to research racial themes re: Grendel further and ended up in a rabbit hole about Cain, Ham, Mormons & Bigfoot (seriously.) and all of this, along with some other research, eventually led to the following conclusions:

narratives placing Grendel and His Mother as victims of racialized violence/heroic or sympathetic figures in a racially- and/or socially-conscious work are both amazing and necessary

not if they're written by white people. there's probably some exceptions but honestly that's just weird and makes my hair stand up(derogatory).

I am White People. I should not try to do this.

given the association (certain modern media almost bafflingly aside) between Cain/Ham and justifications for SLAVERY, I, a white author, should not only NOT make these characters BIPOC, but should lean pretty damn hard into their whiteness- it's not "reclaiming" exactly, it's like... "reclaiming"(derogatory)(ironic)

given the current political movements around Viking Shit, and SPECIFICALLY pseudopagan, christian-based anglo-saxon warrior male social orders, the figures of Grendel & His Mother can and maybe even SHOULD serve as symbols of active and violent resistance from within the communities (White As Shit) that the current alt-right claims to represent.

given ALL of that, the best way for me to write these characters is how I'm currently writing them- very white, very monstrous, would probably state their race as "fae" if asked and "white" and/or "european" if specified for human racial terms, explicitly monstrous, symbolic of both (my own) queer/disabled/neurodivergent rage, feeling of incompatibility with most/all friend groups or communities, as well as a larger theme of a "KILL ALL VIKINGS" fantasy enabled by them being Big Scary Creature Beasts.

However... its been a few years. I've been drowing myself in Anglo-Saxon Everything but fully ignoring racial and diversity issues, a huge part of this admittedly being irl stressors in my life that, shall we say, EXTREMELY reduced my capacity for basic empathy & Current Events Awareness to a degree that I'm only starting to repair. as part of this repair, I'm really questioning this. I've read some super fascinating stuff about Grendel & race recently, and yet.

...and yet

I can't shake the feeling that

as a white author, making this a race-centric narrative isn't just not my job/not my turft, its actually kinda pretty racist

however, refusing to write these characters for that reason then involves (at least internally) saying that "this kind of archetype" is ONLY "meant" to be written by BIPOC ppl, because "they're the only ones who really Get The Experience", and HOO BOY. THAT IS RACIST. that is me doing a great big racism right there.

...so what do I do? I really love my take on these characters. I've grown really attached to them. It seems like everything is actually pretty well in order for me in terms of why I made the choices I did- I've looked at the other things I could have done with these themes and they're Extremely Problematic At Best...

but I can't shake the feeling that I'm still missing something, fucking up somehow.

I'd genuinely welcome discussion on this, I'm not going to be offended or defensive about ANYTHING, legit if you want to tear this whole post apart via critique re: art or just my own biases, please do. I'm just trying to figure this shit out.

and possibly overthinking it. that is also definitely a possiblity.

*to be clear I don't hate or dislike Headley. I just don't GET her. I'm not sure WHAT to think.

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aeori-o · 2 years

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2022 Get Outta Here

Last year I started my post by talking about COVID-19 and it is wild that that thing is still around and people STILL aren’t taking it seriously. I guess if people start off not taking something seriously there’s no reason to then take something seriously later as it has become the dreaded “new normal.” Awful. I’m moving to Pluto.

Let’s talk about the usual stuff, as is tradition.

I know I have that graphic for goodreads (and I now have a secondary goodreads for graphic novels so there’s two now) but worth mentioning is I also have a storygraph account if any of you are on there! Please friend me or however that works.

So far storygraph has some issues (sometimes the website seems to crash and nothing loads or things I do don’t save to my profile) and it looks a little barren (though goodreads doesn’t exactly look good, either) but I really like that there’s the ability to see the community submitted content warnings and that a book is ranked not just by stars but by things like pace, focus, and vibe. Also it’s not owned by amazon (which goodreads is) so that’s a bonus. For now I have both accounts but hopefully storygraph keeps getting better and can eventually replace goodreads for me (I think the main things is adoption—I still like to see what friends and acquaintances are reading and if they’ve read what I’ve read so that’s currently missing for me and the other main thing is a “books by authors you’ve read” section, it is so handy to have that in one place).

I finished 37 novels and 10 graphic novels this year which brings me to 47 total books! I am much preferring 30 minutes of reading a day over an hour, it’s much easier to commit to and much less stressful and I still get a lot read in a year. It also feels really good to be able to fully fill out one of these calendars (I think I’ve managed it for the past few years) which is also nice. I know the calendar is totally arbitrary but there’s something nice feeling about having something that shows how much you’ve done at a glance.

As always I would really recommend doing this, but you can make your goal completely different (it could be ten minutes of reading a day, or a chapter a day, or a certain number of pages a day. Start with something where the bar is on the floor to make it easy to get into!). Doesn’t even need to be reading! Can be exercise or learning something or creative stuff! Sometimes calendars can be hard to find where they’re easy to fill in, I just started making my own in excel (google sheets would work, too) but I’ll put in a blank one at the end jic anyone wants to try. Gotta make the barrier to entry as low as possible! Anyway here’s my reading one:

And then of course I love the little year-recap from goodreads!

Really enjoy that I manage to read a very barely read book on goodreads every year.

Again we’re up! This year my average has gone from 4.1 to 4.2 but still. I think overall I am reading better books. I’ve changed how I rate books on goodreads a little as well. I am in an eternal struggle with how ultimately meaningless rating systems are so I’m trying to rate things more on a scale of if-I-would-recommend-it and how many caveats I have with that. So more books wind up five stars than not. It feels much easier to rate things consistently, as well.

My own personal rating system (in my excel doc) tends to differ a little from how I rate things online (so despite rating Many books five stars this year only one book hit my favourites and most of those other five stars are in my ‘Excellent’, ‘Splendid’, and ‘Good’ categories. And then I have ‘Meh’, ‘Not Worth Reading’, and ‘Why does this exist?’). That’s just for me, and maybe friends, though.

So! Of the 37 books I read this year I’m going to once again recommend a few.

The Green Bone Saga by Fonda Lee

I recommended the first book last year and now that I’ve read the rest of the series I want to reinforce the recommendation: These books are thick, they’re door stoppers, and the first book is a little slow to start but once they get going they are phenomenal. Everything just goes, there are incredible high points in this series. I didn’t think the second book could be outdone but the third book did it. The series goes from conflicts inside a community to global conflicts that that community has to deal with and manipulate.

Basically: The series is about a family of ‘Green Bones’ (who are people who are able to control bioenergetic jade to enhance their strength, resilience, and speed) and how they deal with a territory war with another Green Bone Clan and eventually how they deal with foreign powers trying to extract and study bioenergetic jade for war purposes. Really great series.

Mistakes Were Made (But not by me)

by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson

This one is non-fiction but I found it incredibly interesting. Most of it I feel is things most of us kind of intuitively know just by existing in the world and dealing with people being infuriating (especially in the context of jobs and managers passing the blame) but it’s interesting seeing the research and the various ways it comes into play. I’m not sure if I’m weird but I also found it a very fast, easy read as well? It was just too interesting for me to find boring. So if you’re looking for an interesting non-fiction check it out!

Even Though I Knew The End by C.L. Polk

This is a novella so I can’t say too much without spoiling a lot but if you’re looking for a lesbian noir with magic, demons, and angels then definitely check this one out. The ending is maybe a little rushed but I loved the setting and the characters despite the very short amount of time with them (the curse of novellas).

The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty

I didn’t actually like the first book at all! There were a lot of things in the first book that bugged me but I felt compelled to read the second anyway. I saw this book all over the place (and heard about it all over the place) and I have a thing for seeing djinn in books and media. Despite my issues there were nuggets of potential in the first book. And then the second book was shockingly good and I devoured the rest. A very fun fantasy romp about family and duty and the things we choose and how hard and disastrous it can be to try and do your own thing.

I especially liked the fourth book though which is a collection of short little scenes with various characters. They weren’t short-stories exactly they were just things that either didn’t fit in the main series or ultimately no longer belonged in it with how things went but I really enjoyed reading it. It felt very nostalgic and I wish more authors would do something similar. I don’t necessarily want plots and entire side stories to see more of characters sometimes I just want to see little things with the characters. I know that’s what a lot of people use fanfiction for but I’d love it from the original author. Really delighted by these and I’m really glad the publisher went for it! This kind of thing could easily have never seen the light of day or, best case in most instances, been relegated to some dusty page on the author’s website.

A lot of the other books I would recommend are parts of a series so I won’t get into them now, but I’m keeping an eye on Iron Widow, Children of Ragnarok, Book of Night, and Not Even Bones. Most of those don’t have sequels out yet, but one of them does so hopefully I can recommend it on next year’s round up.

Additionally some friends and I pass around books and write in them, and so far our library has six books in it! (There’s more on stand-by but they haven’t been written in yet.) It’s such a fun thing to do and makes some truly terrible books fun to read. One of the series we’re reading we’re hoping gets better (as promised by the fans of that series) and we might be adding the series that inspired that series to the list. (I am being intentionally vague.)

Once again I’m going to keep my goal at 30 books, half an hour of reading a day (catch up days allowed). I have enjoyed being much more relaxed about reading. Unlike last year I currently only have four books out from the library (instead of last year’s thirteen) but that said I think all the books I read last year (including the graphic novels) except for four were from the library. So out of 47 books (total) 43 were from the library. I love the library, but I also need to get a proper start on my owned to-be-read pile. Once I’m through these four books I’m going to try to only take out a library book for every owned book I finish. So hopefully I can at least make it half and half.

But! Here’s the ten graphic novels I read! One of which I own. I really enjoyed all of them and can happily recommend them all. Lore Olympus I finished the second volume and for whatever reason was just hooked and binged the rest online. Heartstopper is also really cute and sweet, I tried a little bit of the show and it wasn’t doing it for me but I am so, so happy it exists I’ve seen that it means a lot to a lot of people (but I’ll stick with the graphic novels).

Film and TV I finished 45 things this year, which so far it seems like I watch a fairly consistent amount of stuff? 2020 my count was 43, last year was 41, this year is 45! Funny how that works out. Some of my highlights from this year are old goodies—we just recently watched the first two Lord of the Rings films (we were trying to marathon but it did not work out), and I re-watch Ghibli films periodically, but of the things I had never watched before? Everything in the image really stands out for me.

Love and Leashes was just incredibly cute, another delightful Korean film. I forgot I had watched that this year so I’m glad I’ve started tracking this stuff because this movie is just really cute. It’s on Netflix and I would wholeheartedly recommend checking it out!

Turning Red made me cry, and then when I walked in on family watching it I almost just cried again just knowing what scene they were on (they did not feel very invested in the movie so it was kind of awkward).

Everything Everywhere All At Once was incredible. I know everyone is saying that and has been saying that but if for whatever reason you haven’t watched it it is really good. It feels really ‘fresh’ in a way? It’s unhinged but also sincere, I really liked it.

Severance was really creepy and tense, and yet somehow very compelling despite the monotony of the environments the characters spend most of their time in. I’m so curious to see where it goes it ended on such a tense note.

Our Flag Means Death was a really heartwarming romp, I think the first few episodes I wasn’t crazy about but it got very good very fast and it also had a very tense ending.

Nope I watched twice back to back (and then a third time some months later to show family). It’s such a fun movie and there’s a lot to interpret and talk about in it, I think this is my favourite Jordan Peele movie yet.

And finally: House of the Dragon though this one is on thin ice. There’s a lot of weird and uncomfortable things in this series, which I guess is to be expected, but overall I found it really interesting and that last episode, hoo boy. I want to see it develop and I am hoping it does not go the way of Game of Thrones but I guess we’ll see.

Video games!

Okay so Nintendo sent me my yearly recap weirdly early this year? And then Steam just sent one. The steam one is very fun.

Unfortunately the Nintendo one this year didn’t have that much info? Last year it gave total games, for how many hours, and even compared the previous year and because the switch doesn’t have the built-in tracker anymore (like the 3DS has) I can’t even check myself. Like I know I played my Switch for at least 130hrs this year in total (compared to 23 total hours last year) but that’s just looking at the games I know came out this year so I could have only played this year (being Arceus, Scarlet, and Splatoon 3) but for games I’ve played in the past like Shield, Pokemon Snap, Okami, Smash Bros, etc. I only can see total time, not time spent this year. I still really miss the tracking the 3DS has. Oh well at least Steam has an in-depth one this year:

I love to see random little facts!! I’m surprised I hit even 20% with controller to be honest, I feel like I almost exclusively used keyboard and mouse this year.

As you can see: I love to play new games.

AND THIS is the kind of thing I like to see! I think that drop of in gaming is more or less universal across all platforms for me.

Okay so here’s everything I started this year and have yet to finish:

And I actually am feeling very optimistic about finishing all of these! Two (Haunting Ground and Fahrenheit Indigo Prophecy) I’m playing for friends and both have been very fun to stream. One is a genuinely good game and one is Fahrenheit Indigo Prophecy (which is very fun to experience with friends but oh it’s not good, it is especially bad on PC because this “remaster” is garbage. I said RE4 on PC last year was bad but it’s an amazing port compared to this one.)

Haunting Ground is still a really delightful game. It makes me miss the days of costumes being fun unlockable bonuses instead of DLC. I’m mostly impressed (so far) by how good the game is at making sure you always know where to go despite how otherwise cryptic the plot is. The only time I’ve gotten lost/stuck was when I unlocked the room, ran into the stalker immediately in that room and ran, and then I guess I got startled so badly that the newly unlocked room just deleted itself from my short term memory. So that’s on me, not the game.

Pokemon Scarlet I’m chugging along steadily in (despite my many, many problems with the game) and Pokemon Legends Arceus I was thoroughly enjoying but the controls were too similar to Horizon Forbidden West so I’ll get back to it once I’m done Horizon. But hoo boy Horizon is taking a while. I know there’s a large group of people who want more game-play-time for their dollar and I largely disagree with that idea in general but this game is wild in that I am enjoying all the time I’m spending in it but also kind of exhausted by how huge it is.

The only one here I might not finish anytime soon is .hack, because I started playing it with Vin and would like to continue showing them it.

I think of all the games in my Unfinished Picture from last year the only one I actually finished was Tell Me Why—Dishonored I still kind of pick at, Pokemon Snap I haven’t gotten back to despite meaning to, Resident Evil Village I want to continue but haven’t gotten to either, same goes for Resident Evil 5. And Prey I officially decided I was done with. So I’m much more optimistic about finishing this year’s batch of unfinished games.

And with Hades 2 being announced I extra want to get back to and finish the first Hades (I got to the credits but I need to do everything).

And then the games I DID finish this year:

All but one of these I played for/with friends! (Steph did most of the playing of Fatal Frame 3, though.) I finished up Tell Me Why on my own but all the rest were friend-experiences! Disco Elysium is unhinged (we would all lay down our lives for Kim). Lighthouse I have thought was “the dark beginning” forever and only right at the end of our play-through did I realize it was “being” not “beginning” and it was also entirely wild. Fatty Bear’s Birthday Surprise was charming and also kind of a lot. And then Pajama Sam in No Need to Hide when it’s Dark Outside was surprisingly well-written and charming? The last two games took almost no time to play all the way through (despite them being huge time sinks when I was a kid) but they hold up really well! Very intuitive, simple puzzles (which makes sense for a kid’s game but is still fluid-feeling as an adult as opposed to escape-room-esq logic puzzles ‘adult’ puzzle games require) and very fun writing that actually got some laughs out of us at points. Good stuff, we’re excited to play more from Humongous Entertainment.

I did start another fill-in-the-squares calendar in June. It mostly came from days feeling like they blur together and I couldn’t really remember what I had done on certain days and wasn’t sure if I had done anything “productive”. I’m really good at warping my own memory to downgrade the things I do so I tried to start marking off when I did anything, at all, that I consider some sort of productive. So that could be cleaning, writing, helping my sister with something, or one of the various little side-projects I take on. I haven’t been super consistent with it, I keep forgetting to fill in days, but overall it has been really helpful for even if I don’t remember what I did I can look back and see all the filled in squares and be sure I did at least something that I consider worthwhile. I just keep a little list under it of kind of ‘ongoing’ things that count or add on things that I finished and that has, in turn, made it easier to remember some neat stuff I did this year!

There’s two major ones but first: I really got into re-shelling controllers last year. Unfortunately I’ve kind of run out of controllers to re-shell. I did get to take apart a friend’s joycon recently to put in a new analogue stick to stop that pesky drift but otherwise I don’t do much shell-stuff these days.

But I did wrap my entire car.

Before and after! Steph helped me with the hardest parts (the bumpers and roof) and my stepmom helped with some bits (which, despite our struggles, she says she’s glad she did because she never would have understood how much work I was putting in otherwise) and my partner helped a little with the doors when they were visiting! I’m especially happy with the headlights. I ground all the UV damaged plastic off, polished them up, and then put a clear, glossy, paint-protective film over top. They look brand-new! I love seeing side-by-sides of the lenses before and after. I used to think the ‘before’ state of the lenses looked good! Wild! Some people have lamented the colour (a lot of people really like bright red cars?) but I love the blue/purple colour shift and my clear-coat was coming off anyway (she’s an old car) so I had to do something to protect it. Bless and curse the co-worker who talked me into this (bless because I love it, curse because it was hard as hell).

I haven’t posted progress shots in one big block anywhere so I’m gonna do that here! And then I realized there were just WAY too many progress shots so here’s just a few:

I mostly like the super wrinkly shots and then seeing it all smoothed out, it’s so satisfying (the work in between those shots is brutal) like these (with a mid-lens-fixing thrown in to see a polished one next to what I had before for funsies):

It was so satisfying to have this come together and I am so happy with how she looks. I am extremely grateful to everyone who helped me along the way, some pieces would have been impossible with just one person (and in the case of the roof that seemed impossible even with two people). Considering it was my first time doing this and I was working in less-than-ideal circumstances (being: outside, where bugs and dust and leaves and weather are an issue) I think it turned out extremely well.

I think when I counted the actual total days this took it was like 11-14? I had work, and then we kept getting rain (the day we did the front bumper it actually rained in the middle of the day so in retrospect I’m amazed that one came together). I also did a little on some other cars. My stepmom’s car is also old so we did some protective stuff where the paint was having a hard time, did the hood of my sister’s car and her lenses as a birthday gift, and then did a co-workers car because its clear coat was having a really rough time. Lots of wrapping! I should redo this one in 4ish years (or that’s what the vinyl manufacturers say, anyway) so we’ll see how it goes.

I also made my dice displays nice this year. At some point I had gotten a shot-glass display to put my dice in, but it wasn’t the nicest looking. Better than having them not on display at all but not by much. For whatever reason I can’t find a proper picture of how it looked before but:

And then once the glass was closed on top of that the ones in their cubes were pretty obscured and the other dice just, didn’t look great in their heaps. So I got some foam core, some washi tape, and a box cutter and spruced it up:

Which I am super happy with! I was so happy with it I got a second one and fitted it the same way. It’s especially nice for my glow in the dark dice, I get to see them glow every time I turn the lights off now.It was a very time consuming little project but I’m really happy (and kind of amazed) at how it came together!

In terms of my more regular creative pursuits I didn’t really write anything creative except to completely re-structure a book series I was reading. It went from me ranting to just completely unhinged going IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS and then I rewrote a scene from the book based on that premise. That was fun. I still need to touch that up and edit it some but then I fully intend to rip the book open and rebind it with my addition. (It’s one of our pass-around-and-comment-in books.) Still RPing, of course, and it’s a mix of god/furry Anir and Lelia with some modern Lelia and my spirit-folk thrown into the mix. And I didn’t really do much drawing this year but I did do a little to help my sister with some stuff. And that’s better than nothing! I will post none of that here, though.

Once again, though, I have been extremely blessed to receive some wonderful art!

Art by @monsterranchersteph,@phantomeus, and @auyamx!

Hopefully 2023 proves to be better than 2022! I’m ending the year with a cold (not COVID, luckily, though I did have that during the summer and it was awful. I can only imagine how much worse it would’ve been if I weren’t vaccinated.) which I’m not sure is a great summary of the year but it’s unusual for me to get sick twice in one year. Having just a regular cold is surreal, though, the last two times I got sick (COVID and then some sort of flu) were both completely terrible, so having just kind of a stuffed up and runny nose, a teeny cough (like, barely), and then just extreme fatigue is more of an annoyance than anything. I am very glad to not be that sick but I also forgot very mild sickness is a thing. (And it’s annoying.)

Anyway, as stated above I’m going to keep my reading goal the same this year as last. 30 books, half an hour reading a day with catch-ups allowed. I’m going to try to get into the habit more of using my other general ‘productivity’ calendar because I have been finding that helpful for my mental health if nothing else. And if anyone else wants to try these calendars here’s the one I’ll be using:

And I think that’s it! Happy new year! If you make any sort of yearly round-up or recap and you’ve made it this far please let me know and I’ll check it out! I am not consistently on tumblr so I miss stuff all the time. I log on, I sigh and block/report the bots that have followed me, I see a little of my dash, I add stuff to my queue, and that’s about it. So please let me know or link me!

#new year get better do better

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flamingbluepanda · 1 year

Text

Cam watches Shameless UK (so you don't have to)

Oh yeah it's happening. There's 11 seasons. 10 episodes each. Gonna tag them all with CWSUK so if you're not interested blacklist that.

I'm also gonna do some tldr stats because these are gonna get long every time I think and I doubt people will want to read all my ramblings.

Similarity to shameless US: 97%

Did we see Mickey in this episode? No

McAvoy count: 5

Who was the main Gallagher this episode? Fiona

Who was MY favorite character this episode? Liam

Frank speeches: 2

Anyway, ONWARD!

Season 1 Episode 1

They warn you so many times about the mature content on channel 4 lmao

They keep Carl bald so his hair doesnt stand on end. He looks like a demon sorry Carl.

I wouldn't trust this version of Ian with a single thing.

You need subtitles with this show. Need em.

I've heard that a lot of the plot is the same, but we're starting strong with Karen Jackson lmao

Oh Veronica is here!!! Can't wait to see her

MCAVOY x1

Vee is blonde. And white. Liam is also white. This is like a fascinating science experiment

I love this version of jimmy Steve more than American jimmy Steve

Okay I still don't trust this version of Ian but he has HUGE eyes

Awww no okay he's just a beby I trust him I take it back baby I'm sorry he's crying lip look what you did

MCAVOY x2

Carl STILL looks like a demon

No Kevin yet .....

THERES A LOT OF SIDEWAYS CAMERA ANGLES ITS WEIRD

There's Kev!! He has a gold chain and short hair.

Instead of the infamous fridge calender, they have a big ole pinboard.

Oh damn jimmy Steve is a smooth talker

I was gonna make a joke about all those graphic scene warnings being just for kissing but then they cut to the sezys

TONY MARKOVICH IS A BABEY

LIL BABEY LIAM IS REALLY CUTE and he told Jimmy Steve to go away as his first line. Im obsessed with him favorite character.

Lmao all her siblings watching jimmy Steve get in his car and judging

Hi Frank. You scare me more than William Macy does.

MCAVOY x3

I appreciate channel 4 using different subtitle colors for different characters talking. Makes it easy to track whos talking and I love it

There has been no k*sh so far and I am hoping and praying he never shows up

At least lip told Ian he was taking him to see Karen in this version.

rip Ian he looks so unhappy.

Everyone is so freckled in this show.

"HES GONNA KILL HIM!" *Music pauses, thump* "he's killed him 0-0" Karen sounds horrified

Okay I'm coming around to Ian and lip they're such dumbasses.

OKAY THERES KEVS DICK THEY NEVER SHOWED US STEVE HOWIES DICK HEJSJEKAJAKA

Other than his infamous opening speech Frank hasn't spoken yet

Apparently instead of clowns Eddie Jackson collects owls

MCAVOY x4

Ugh noooooo please no kash nooooooooooooooooooo please just let him be a dick don't make them fuck pleaseeeeee

Frank STiLL hasn't talked and it's creepy as shit

Nvm he talked

I miss joan cusack

Ugh nooooo dammit where's Mickey do I have to wait I'll episode 3 to see him

PUNCH HIM LIP PUNCH HIM KICK HIS ASS

At least Ian's not doing army shit ig

MCAVOY x5

Debbie has had a single line telling Liam to go to bed.

Okay seriously jimmy Steve needs to stop winning my heart when I know he's gonna be a turd again.

Nvm Debbies had two lines

MCAVOY x6

Three lines for Debbie!!

They show us a lil snippy of bloopers after the credits lmao.

#CWSUK #shameless uk #shameless

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weebsinstash · 2 years

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Hi I love your work!!! You're super talented! I was wondering do you have any advice for someone who's considering starting a writing/dark content blog? Especially someone who's very new to this whole writing thing and um super self-conscious 😅 how do you break through the insecurity and negative self-talk to post something? Do I just make a blog and start writing or are there other tricks of the trade I need to know to put my work out there? Any advice is super appreciated 😊

I think one thing I did before I took the plunge and started my own writing blog was, well I was already writing fanfiction for myself and in my free time, and what I would do was send in prompts and ideas to writing blogs and stuff like that? And when it seemed like people likes those ideas, I eventually thought "why not just post them outright and start creating a following/little area for myself?"

One thing you have to tell yourself with dark content is, the most important thing is that you tag your stuff. People will always have their ethical and moral inclinations and you can't force other people to do or think whatever but it IS in your power to just say "hey make sure to read the tags, if there's something here that upsets you, stay away" although if you want me to be blunt there are still plenty of people who deliberately interact with media that upsets rhem and will blame you for creating it, rather than accept that they chose to read it, and that's something you kind of have to get a thick skin over. For example with me writing noncon the biggest objection is that it's immoral or whatever, but a lot of people consuming this content either have that fetish or are even survivors themselves. People have their preferences and kinks and fetishes and my opinion is as long as you are not literally harming someone without their consent, you're basically fine.

Like for real, that's why ao3 and most sites have content warnings. Even watching body cam footage on YouTube will often you a "this is graphic, do you wish to proceed?". Every single person who uses the internet needs to be responsible for their own safety and as long as you at least tag your stuff it gives them that option. It is generally not a good idea to not tag things and try and blindside people, although on ao3 the "author chose not to use warnings" is actually an umbrella meaning "go in at your own risk" because some tags can be spoilers and such idk, at least that's the reasoning I used for not tagging Doubt on ao3.

Kind of one aspect of breaking through the insecurity is, posting content in of itself? Because when you start receiving feedback and support, that's encouragement to keep going! Although be careful not to fall into the trap where you feel obligated to please people and give them what THEY want over what YOU want, since you're the one taking time to create content for free and that's your work, your time, your mental energy. Seriously there were a lot of times I considered dropping The Storm before I eventually decided, no, this is something I do want to finish for myself

I guess the last thing I would say is, things are just naturally hits and misses, or it's posted at a time where not a lot of people see it, or sometimes it's just that like, you didn't have a huge following and when you go back to something later, people like it just as much as your newer stuff? And there's also whatever personal growth you'll be making as an author, whatever improvements and new skills or different t writing styles you adapt

And I guess the final and objectively most important form of advice is to never give too much personally identifying information about yourself, just for internet safety and also because dark content can contain topics people get EXTREMELY heated over. Your name and age maybe, but try not to give much more. Never hook anything to anything personal like Facebook or reveal your full name or things like that, never connect anything to things your family may see. Like not that im blaming her by any means but the first thing that comes to mind is when kazooli gave out her Instagram I think it was and a bunch of freaks started harassing her little sister. Like. People are in fact malicious enough that they'll say "ugh you're such a freak, im gonna find your family and tell them everything you've done" which is, child mentality but whatever

All in all, don't be discouraged if you don't have immediate success, and don't quit if you have any pushback although you are entitled to take mental health breaks and deep back when things are bugging you. Hell, I've been staying in my own lane this whole time and I still have the occasional "controversy". Sometimes you just gotta say "hah, internet", shrug your shoulders, and go back to your life :) good luck and hope you have fun! That's the most important thing.

Oh also I dunno if you'd consider this a trick but in my fics and on my ao3 I also sometimes include "hey you can also find me on my tumblr at xyz" or having your writing tumblr say in your bio what your ao3 is. But also try and keep a separate blog for your writing maybe as it can just be easier and more simple especially for any friends you have that might not always be comfortable. And in reverse, if I reblogged a bunch of non-writing related stuff here, it would be harder to find my works and more annoying for people looking for that stuff specifically

Anyways I think that's the gist of the advice I have to give :) you do you, and make sure to have fun!

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booksandwords · 1 year

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The Kite by N.R. Walker

Read time: 1 Day Rating: 5/5 Stars

The Quote: “You and me; double hit. They want us dead. You’re a kite, and your government just cut you loose.” — Asher Garin

Warnings: N.R. provides two in The Kite. “on-page physical and gun violence. Reader discretion advised." and "This book is intended for an adult audience. It contains graphic language, explicit content, and adult situations.”

Let me say the story of Asher Garin and Tim “Harry” Harrigan is not cute and fluffy despite the grump/sunshine trope, okay it is cute. N.R. Walker provides readers of The Kte with two different warnings. "Caution: on-page physical and gun violence. Reader discretion advised." and "This book is intended for an adult audience. It contains graphic language, explicit content, and adult situations." Note the character's jobs before reading, an Australian government mercenary and a nomadic assassin. These are strong, hard, ruthless men, who have absolutely few qualms with taking lives for money and certainly none for self-preservation. Asher isn't entirely hard, Harry kinda is. They are great characters. Suiting their tropes, societal positions and feel like Walker's writing as I have come to know it. That said even if you like N.R Walker's writing this may not be for you. I do recommend this if you want your grump/sunshine dynamic with a little more bite. It's a pleasing take on assassins in love.

Asher Garin is an enigma. The more information he reveals about himself the less it feels like you know. His lack of history and his statelessness are both intriguing. Four is devoted to him, loyal to a fault. He almost feels like a prism, he shows you only what he or maybe you want to see. His natural charm and charisma are offputting, they prevent both characters and readers from thinking too much. I do have two favourite elements of him he was a language prodigy (be still my heart) and his guns are his family. There are two great moments of Asher with guns. “Hello, pretty baby,” he said. “Christ,” Harry mumbled. “You always talk to your guns like that?” (Asher and Harry). This is Asher talking to his MP7, which is a whole other thing, that is not a small gun. "He handled those weapons like a well-versed lover. It was hot." (Harry) I may not like guns, but I do love competency. I usually have a preferred hero in novels, in this one it was Asher, he made me think as such I can write much more on him than Harry. sorry not sorry

Tim “Harry” Harrigan (referred to nearly exclusively as Harry) is an Australian mercenary. He is angry, and hurting and just wants revenge. He wouldn't mind some answers as to why he's been doing the kills he's been doing for the last handful of years but he can take or leave them but he wants revenge on whomever he can get his hands on for making him work for the bad guys. He grew up in a decent family until the inevitable happened... homophobic parents + gay son = disowned and beaten son. The funniest moment to me as an Australian was the moment with Harry, Asher and the tattoo. “Is that some kind of kite tattoo?” Asher asked. Harry, with his permanent scowl, looked down at his chest. “It’s not a kite. It’s the Southern Cross, the stars on the Australian flag. And I’m not a kite. For fuck’s sake.” The Southern Cross made sense. “You are a kite,” Asher said. “Whether you like it or not.” Only an Australian author would write this. Southern Crosses are a big thing in Australia a sign of pride or rebellion (or both). Honestly, he kinda feels like everything an angry Australian fighter should, just with some brains and an eye for short-term strategy. told you this would be so much shorter than Ashers

Their grump/sunshine dynamic is fun and goes to places I didn't expect. Asher knows how to push buttons and likes to do it just to provoke a response. Honestly, there is something seriously fitting though perhaps bizarre in his lovemap. Arguments and violence as foreplay and almost brutally violent sex, at least the first time he's with Harry. This is so confronting for Harry especially when he caves and just gives Asher what he wants, the guilt is immense. I appreciate the contrasts in support bases, family lives and backgrounds. With Asher, I'm not sure I've ever read a true nomad or stateless character, what we do see of his background is heartbreaking. Those who are close to him he trusts with his life. Harry similarly has few people in his life but trusts no one, his family are awful. I find the choice to make Asher the more measured one, the cold one, the distance shooter is right. Harry has the emotion to burn, is that an Australian thing? That passion we picked up over the years. He is suited to closer combat, not a brawler per se which implies a loss of control, but just a more personal style. Even their take on the endgame reflects their personalities.

Some quotes and comments and there are a lot of them.

It had been so long since he’d set foot on Australian soil, he’d almost forgotten what home felt like. He longed for a life that wasn’t his. Wasn’t this. At first the longing was fleeting, no more than a whisper, but it sang a little louder now. In the quiet darkness of night or the patient wait for a kill. — This is such pretty phrasing. Harry and his slight homesickness is one side of their home coin. But this is also quite an Australian vibe to me. (Harry)

Seeing his eyes flash with recognition, with steel, had been unexpected. Pressing him against the wall in the dark was another bonus. Dangerous, exciting. Hot. — This is Asher's response to Harry's reaction to being saved. He does admit he's always found Harry attractive (feeling mutual). Asher has a slightly seemed up lovemap. But to be honest Harry's was "The fact he was pointing a gun at Harry’s head didn’t help. Harry shouldn’t have found that so hot . . .". These are men who live around guns, who are comfortable with them. Honestly again on the whole competency thing that is what I find attractive.

“When we got old.” Harry’s gaze cut to Asher’s. “Old? I’m thirty-six. How old are you?” Asher shrugged. “Thirty-three.” More or less. “We’re not old.” “That’s retirement age in our industry.” “Is that why they’re retiring us?” “Probably.” Asher sighed. “Been in the game too long. Know too much, seen too much. We don’t move like we used to. We become a liability.” — I don't know why I like this line so much but I do. It just feels like a brutal truth that is hitting them. Though Asher feels older than he is, he doesn't even know how old he is. (Asher and Harry)

“Are you done checking me out?” Asher looked him over once more. “No. Damn.” Harry cocked his head. “You like what you see?” “The fuck is not to like?” — Asher is shameless and I love him. But seriously down boy. Inappropriate timing. (Harry and Asher)

And yet, there was Asher sampling every country’s culture that he visited. In between sniping people, that was. Harry was having a little trouble reconciling the two personas: touristy Asher, the guy who loved the food and the people, and the Asher who could pop a target from a mile away with a twenty-knot side wind. — The dichotomy of Asher. The gorgeous tourist and the seriously competent killer. Not to mention he can switch languages like most people change shoes. Honestly, it's all kinds of appealing to me as a reader. (Harry)

Harry was every bit his type. And he didn’t mind playing flirty games with Harry. He was easy to rankle, and it excited Asher to have Harry glare at him the way he did. He could just imagine Harry stalking toward him, furious and demanding . . . Asher had to wonder just how far he had to push Harry to make that happen. He was thinking it wasn’t far at all. — Asher's mind. I like the way in which Walker has chosen to write him. Light playful and loving life. Teasing. (Asher)

“To, čo by som ti dovolila, aby si mi urobil.” Harry fumed. “I don’t even know what fucking language that was, let alone what you said.” Asher grinned. “Want me to translate?” “No.” “I can.” “I want you to shut the fuck up.” — This is made so fun by the Slovak phrase Asher actually says. It translates as "What I would let you do to me". This after Asher has riled Harry up...again. Asher loves to say things like this in languages he knows Harry won't understand. (Asher and Harry)

He risked a look at Asher, his face pressed against Harry’s shoulder. His olive skin, his dark lashes, his pink lips . . . God, Asher’s mouth was nothing but trouble. Beautiful, talented trouble. — I'm a woman of simple pleasures... this visual is one of them. *sigh of appreciation* (Harry)

As he watched Asher sleep, Harry could feel something under his ribs, something he’d never felt before. A need, an ember to begin with but beginning to burn a little warmer. The need to protect him. — This and the previous quote are actually one after the other. This protective side of Harry is something I didn't expect, they are solo workers. And given how we meet Harry? This was unexpected. (Harry)

Harry wasn’t sure if this was fun or insane. Maybe a little of both. It was also turning him on. The push and pull, the challenge. The physicality. The way Asher smirked, the way he seethed. The way fighting turned Asher on. It was all hot. So yeah, it was definitely both. Fun and insane. — I keep saying Asher's lovemap is a little warped, I think Harry's is too. But unlike Asher, I can't figure out the potential source for it. (Harry)

“Vigilantism, extortion, blackmail. Pretty sure that makes you the bad guys.” Asher laughed. “We’re all bad guys, Harry. You and me, we are the bad guys.” He shook his head, amused. “You kill for your government. I kill for anyone’s government. They might call it service or honourable duty, but it’s all murder.” — One of the two ethical quotes I've included. Both of them are kinda dark but still, the ethical questioning and the idea that they are human is a welcome near necessary inclusion. (Harry and Asher)

“You would let me go in by myself?” Asher almost sounded offended. “Solo. You’d be more solo than Han and the lemon drink combined.” — This is their couple humour, jokes and references and teasing. By this point, Harry is not letting Asher go. No matter what he says. (Asher and Harry)

“Do you think guys like us will ever be allowed to live a normal life? Do we even deserve it?” “What we deserve is up to our makers. It’s not for us to decide. Anyway, who is responsible for the puppet’s behaviour? The puppet or those who work the strings?” “We’re the ones who pull the trigger.” “If we didn’t, someone else would. Always. This game we play has been played for thousands of years. Only the field changes, that’s all. It’s political and dirty.” Asher sighed. “And there are rarely any winners.” — I like the voice Asher has been given. The mind he's been given it iare so appealing to me. These are the two sides of the coin in a way. That we all know this really happens makes me kinda depressed. (Harry and Asher)

🤦🏼‍♀️This review is a hot mess. Thank you to anyone who reads it. But suffice to say I adore this book and I think it may be my fave N.R. to date. 😘

#the kite #n.r. walker #read 2022 #ktreviews #book review #readaustralian #spoilers on goodreads #tw guns #booklr

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blueathens · 2 years

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SERENDIPITY - Masterlist

OC x Rúben Dias AU - Scooby Doo Universe Dylan Phoenix x Rúben Dias

Also Features: Mason Mount x Dylan Phoenix (platonic), Dani Stewart (played by Fivel Stewart), Scooby Doo (played by a Great Dane)

Writing Rule||Character List||Navigation||Masterlist

Series Masterlist

synopsis ⇢ In which a group of friends become very known mystery solvers at the age of 20, however the group started crime solving at the age of 16, but all took a step back due to a relationship falling apart within their group and the stress of school. Now they are out of school, and have already solved quite a few crimes to make a name for themselves. In this alternative universe, the group fight and reveal the truth about the monsters under the masks.

The group consists of a two girls who were the first to befriend one another in primary school, then one of this girls dated the so called ‘leader’ of the group, before they fell apart and decided it be best to be friends - and then there was her cousin and his talking dog - together, though, they were Mystery Incorporated. Most didn’t take them seriously, still saw them as kids, and kids who were not skilled in the crime world, some took them seriously and would call them whenever they had suspicions.Now we follow them as the venture through another mystery - The Black Knight.

(summary is subject to change).

main genres ⇢ found family, friends to lovers, exes to lovers, alternative universe,

↳ fluff, angst, and smut are all included into this series

warning ⇢ explicit content, graphic violence, gore, violence, mature themes, strong language, death, mental health and injuries, alcohol/drugs/smoking

↳ please refrain if you are sensitive to any of these themes. Please also keep in mind that not all warnings may be listed above - all warnings fit into the series though.

note ⇢ updates will be once a week, the day of the week has not yet been decided or what time it will come out on those days. Those will be sorted once planning is completed. I’m hoping this along with a few other things will help me get out my many months worth of writer’s block :)

↳ to be informed when there’s an update, you can either turn @blueathens notifications on, or ask to be in this series’ taglist.

status ⇢ planning

o. character profiles - arriving soon!

i. act one

ii. act two - arriving after act one

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danniswrites · 5 months

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Hate Speech Kills

It is time to take #toxicspeech seriously when #onlinegaming and report #bullying when you see it in chat while #gaming. Don't ignore it. You might save a life. #hatespeech is never okay and leads to #abuse.

I included a lot of links, so scan through and find one that interests you, but I hope you will read them all. Bullying and abuse go hand in hand, and if we all speak up, we can make the Internet a less toxic place. Knowing something more about the problem than your encounters with rude people is a good start.

Gamingaddiction is a serious problem among adolescents

https://ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9961121/…

Here is a study on trashtalk and abuse in #worldofwarcraft. Warning, there is bad language from examples given.

Gaming Companies Need to Do More

Please do more to stop this. Gaming should be #safeforwomen Please report abuse in your games! https://tcjournal.org/vol8/jackson/

@blizzardentertainment If enough of us stand up to #bullying we can stop this.

Why I Am Posting About This

I am a 65 year old woman gamer. I play World Of Warcraft among other games. I was in World Of Warcraft Classic Wrath Of The Lich King this morning. Was in a pretty good mood.

I am getting used to a new server. You see, I was on Myzrael, but WOW is coming out with the Classic Cataclysm Expansion this month, and they are consolidating servers. So I got free transfers for all my toons from Myzrael to Atiesh, and my first day on Atiesh was pretty pleasant. After all, the guild that I'm a member of moved there and they are a bunch of really nice people I've known for years.

So, I was moving some things around in my bank when I noticed LookingForGroup chat was getting really raunchy. Someone started spouting obvious hate speech against women, using the phrase Be A Man repeatedly and saying things from tell her she's fat to things I cannot repeat here. I was very upset and still am. I feel that there should be protections for women like me, women who were abused and trigger on things like this. It's not enough to be able to /ignore the person who's talking. It's not enough to get a free addon to mask comments like these from my chat. People like this should be stopped. Bullies run in families, yet they are often admired because they are perceived as strong. Read this article for more info. It's eye-opening.

So, bullying in schools is breeding psychosis in children. Who may grow up to be social problems. It's not just a problem in gaming, but in schools and workplaces. They need #mentalhealth care. And, the problem may push depressed teens into suicide. We need to all stand up and make our voices heard. This is my problem, and I am going to own it and speak up wherever I am online. I hope this post inspires you to do the same.

#hate speech against #Women #minoritiesmatter If you like my graphic, please post it on your social media. Find it on Canva here, this link brings up my free template.

You may alter it in the template. I want to make a difference, and so can you! Photo by Khoa Võ: https://www.pexels.com/photo/unhappy-thoughtful-teen-girl-arms-crossed-in-rainy-day-5430077/ Description for speech readers: Sad woman viewed through rainy window with text: Hate Speech Kills. Report It. Speak Up. Online games should be fun, not traumatic. Report abuse. You might save a life.

#adolescents #trashtalk #abuse #toxicspeech #toxic people #hatespeech #bullying #suicideprevention #GamingCommunity #worldofwarcraft #@Microsoft

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veggiefritterz · 7 months

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i have words to say. if you know me irl either dont read this or just dont mention it to me. everyone else go ham but dont say i didnt warn you

i just cant. its both that simple and far more complicated. i dont know what or how to feel. i dont know why i feel anything.

i cant just stop talking to people because i always have something i want to say, so just know if i vanish one day odds are im full on dead/in a hospital somewhere.

i dont want to think about the future, its unlikely and uncertain. do i have a future? not at this rate. its too hard to fucking think for me to learn anything.

i do not think i will finish highschool at this rate. if i do it will be with low low marks. and i will be a faliure. so i have less than two years to prepare for that.

i was smart in prep, why couldn't that continue past year 6?

i know why, actually. theres probably a few reasons. one of thems the (until recently, undiagnosed) autism.

the other reason is her.

i fucking hate her. i genuinely hope she dies. i tried to strangle her once. it was both fun and not at the same time, if that makes sense.

before you judge me for attemped murder that i have not been charged with please know that it was rather called for.

because she fucking. i dont know. ill use my big boy words. it'll be hard for me to do but honestly what does it matter, im already fucking upset.

this is your big old warning for s/a. will mark off section end with more red text.

fucking hell i feel sick. seriously sick. but uts like this every time i remember. like my stomachs burning. and i can tell im on the verge of tears, too. or maybe im just really fucking tired.

she essentially sexually abused me for about a year. give or take a month or two, i cant fucking remember. theres things i havent told anyone about, and never will.

i think i want to try and describe it. youre not obligated to read it, so. dont do that if its going to upset you.

october 31st, 2020 hardly counts as anything in my opinion. but it still feels gross. she decided that an appropriate game for her to play was "truth or dare but if you dont wanna do it you strip". these are twelve year olds at the time, mind you. so she had her boyfriend on the phone, on a video call, and did that. i, naturally, was obligated to engage. i did not enjoy it. i said plenty that i dont wanna but you know, i was fucking stupid. i let her convince me. I couldve walked home.

the second time i dont havs a date for, but it was mid november 2020. we were on a school camp. the entire thing sucked, i had terrible hayfever one day and was declined medicine for several hours. they also tried to feed us meat wrapped in bread that was then deep fried. thats not really relevent. moving on from shit camp food. while i was trying to go to bed (note. my bunk ladder was in the back corner of the room) she managed to (mostly undressed for her, as in just her undies. not to be graphic but thats how it is) she managed to pin me in the corner. she was a few inches taller than me, so i could hardly just move. i can only vaguely remember beyond that. it wasnt bad bad that time.

there were other people in the room for part of it. they dont remember. i havent said anything because i dont want them to feel to blame. but holy shit. why didnt they do anything.

then theres very early december 2020. this one was just. yeah. the one, i guess. the big bad or something.

(side note if my phrasing disintegrates its because yours truly is having some kind of intense anxiety attack. i think. either way i would love to kill myself right about now. whatever. but its really vivid in my mind right now so i might as well put it down.)

i just dunno. how do i even put this, really. she uh. okay. if someones wearing lovely thin cotton pyjamas lets not ruin the fabric for them, for starters. i liked those pyjamas. its a real shame. i just fucking cant.

she just. yeah. i dont think i even have to say. she did stuff, she made me do stuff, all while i made it perfectly obvious how unhappy i was. i couldnt do anything about it, much as i wish i couldve. because im too pathetic to fight. i basically froze up. she held my head down. so that i had to do it. i didnt say that was okay. i didnt say any of it was omay.

and to the other person who was there, i dont blame you. you were thirteen. you couldn't have done anything. besides, i think you were playing BATIM so like. beat those ink demons (i havent played bendy).

i didnt sleep that night. until about 3 in the morning. i dont know man.

she "tried" to kill herself the next night. i use quotations because im fully convinced she was manipulating me. she said she felt bad and couldnt live with herself. so why do it again, huh? she fucking lied to me, didnt she. im gonna be honest im just realising this and im so fucking mad. i contacted her mother to make sure she was okay.

theres more examples. just smaller things like publicly grabbing my tits in front of a group of people encouraging her to do so but theyre just numbers now. numbers and occasionally vivid memories. including shit like trying to fuck me in a school bathroom. more than once mind you.

i also fucking hate the girl who decided to be all touchy in the middle of class and i couldn't move where i was sat because it was a partners activity and we were paired up. but eh, she just generally sucks. its whatever.

end section you are safe (?) from here or something

even if you didnt read that section. its just long okay. so damned long. im so done.

look at me. or dont. i actually look like shit. if i had facial hair id be classed as a Wet Cat™. i kinda wish i was tbh... wild. i havent washed my hair in a couple weeks, havent brushed it is i think three days. i have not showered properly because i dont have the fucking energy. its one of those bath-shower hybrids and i turn the water up high and lie down in it because i cant even find the energy to fucking sit up. i havent brushed my teeth in days, maybe weeks, i cant remember. it doesnt matter if i take my meds or not. yet i still apparently "look nice" or something but people lie all the time.

the main reason i cut my hair so short is because i cant fucking maintain it. believe me, i wanted it long. i wanted to plait it and feel pretty. but i just couldn't. i didnt brush it or wash it, i pulled it out, like always. so now i have a mullet and theyre notoriously shit in my town dare i say whole country so noone seems to care.

i think the only times ive slept well recently are after being incredibly drunk. which is concerning. i mean. im sixteen, i know i shouldnt be drunk ever, but if it works, it works. i think i sleep on average about 6 or 7 hours a night, which is not necessarily bad, but its all just fucking abstract nightmares.

at least i dont vape though. thats a win. i have before, do not recommend, very yuk burnt my lungs i think. real talk though if you do i feel ya man everyone does something they shouldn't.

lore drop or something, tumblr user veggiefritters got soft-expelled once! i was suspended forever! all i did was physically fight a few teachers and another student. but she deserved it. and so did they, i daresay.

what did i do after that day? i rode home like usual. i went to my sisters room (she doesnt live here so i slept in there while my old room was being renovated to a lounge room) and i watched youtube until my dad got called by school. then i talked to him. it sucked. then i ate a few nuggets for dinner and tried to kill myself. then, upon that failing, i went to sleep.

i didnt go to school for two months. like. i wasnt enrolled anywhere. family law or some shit, my parents need to hurry up and divorce.

i went to a new school, it was fine, fine, fine, then it wasn't, so i left. i went to a new school, its still fine, thats irrelevant. besides, i have to go there. only public 11/12 school in the town.

but you know what? nothings fine. nothings okay. i just want to be okay, you know? i just want to be innocent. i don't want the past to be the way it is. i with i remembered it all, because while some might say its good that i dont? its terrifying to not know for sure whats happened to you.

i dont like smelling something specific and remembering shit like the eevee themed lunch we made, or the pancakes we made in a saucepan, or the time we tried to solve cicada 3301 for the hell of it. i dont want to sound bittersweet, i dont want to sound like i miss it, but i do, in some weird way.

even though it was clearly manipulation i miss the way she trusted me.

its probably my fault, too, i shouldnt be such an easy target.

if like to tell all of this to my cousin, because i know he'd listen. i know he wouldnt laugh at me. but how does one go about that? i guess i cant. whatever.

shit, man. i dont even know. i went i think a year s/h free? and i was so damn proud of myself. then i dont know what happened. i just broke. and im still not better.

i just think to myself maybe this will be the one that kills me. maybe this one will hit an artery and i can just fucking die.

in my mind, dying feels okay if its on accident. but im seriously considering it at this point because what the fuck else am i meant to do man. im wandering around aimlessly in my own head most of the time. hardly even thinking, just trying to will myself out of existence.

im nothing more than a fucking marionette and whoevers pulling the strings is a sadist.

theres your obligatory shit poetry. i should get that printed on a cap.

ive just moved slightly wrong and its like im tearing my own skin apart. yeow.

ive been writing this at least an hour, i think ive used up 20% of my phones charge! but thats irrelevant. i dont use my pjone much, contrary to peoples belief. i rot my mind with The Computer instead. sometimes the little screen hurts and i need the big screen.

im sorry this is so long. i have a lot of thoughts going on tonight. have a break with a photo of my cat before i keep sobbing. or 4 i guess lucky you. this is shego shes one and shes a little shit. the ants got to her food so she ate them. she refuses to let me take a nice picture of her.

cats, man.

back to me literally crying now.

im scared. im scared of the future but thats common so it doesn't matter. im scared of the past but thats irrelevant. im scared right now because im in bed and its dark so there might be someone there that i cant see.

im scared people will socially exile me again for the things i like, im scared i dont really know any of my friends, im scared ill make a mistake big enough to get me in prison even though technically i already have a few times and nothing happened, im scared people hate me as much as i hate myself.

and fuck, do i hate myself.

what am i good for? i guess people like my writing but what if theyre making that up. sometimes i like my writing too and i go batshit insane over my own characters. but it feels so selfish, i guess.

(i intrude upon myself. i would like a scone right about now)

anyway. what else do i do that people like. im in charge of kids clothing visual merchandising at work. i work in a second hand store, the options for outfits are many. but i dont know. im the youngest person who works there, so what if theyre lying to me?

im creative, apparently. hey, sure, id like to tell myself that but i dunno if i can. i really think i peaked in year two with that.

what have i got about me that people like so much they want to talk to me, because i know damn well its not my appearance. i am fucking ugly. in a weird way. not that my eyes are too far apart or anything i just look dead.

i dont know. i need to let myself live life to the fullest or something but i cant.

i cant just live. its weird.i want to be alive but at the same time its tiring, too tiring, and i dont know what to do about it other that just give in.

you know. give up, and die. how is irrelevant. im so fucking tired, okay.

i dunno. i guess i wonder if anyone would really miss me if i died. but it feels like a selfish thing to wonder. im not sure.

if you want me at my weakest and you want to make me suffer, its your time to shine because right now i am at the lowest ive been in a while.

#vent #sui ideation #i dunno man just let me be sad

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