#please be kind to yourself - they don’t understand how difficult being disabled is

[nagichi-boop]

How it sounds when people tell a disabled person to “try harder”

(Or things akin to it)

Imagine there’s a fire in front of you. Okay, now put your hand in the fire. Go on, do it! You can’t? Why?

You wouldn’t, would you? You know from the experiences of others that forcing yourself to put your hand into the flame is dangerous and can cause lasting damage. There’s a reason your body hesitates to do it - your body is warning you that it’s dangerous. You only need to put your hand near a flame to know it’s hot and want to back off.

Now imagine the person tells you that you’ll never know you’ll get burned unless you try. You would think they’re stupid, right? You don’t need to put yourself in excruciating pain to know that it’s completely reckless. Not only would it hurt like hell in the moment, but you could permanently damage your hand.

The person then tells you that their friend put their hand into the flame and they were fine, so you should be fine too. This friend of their’s, however, was wearing fire-resistant gloves - you are not. It is not the same scenario. You are naturally going to be more susceptible to injury because you don’t have that added layer of protection.

How does this relate to being disabled?

People often get told that they are lazy or using their disability as an excuse not to do things, for example working. Logically speaking, a disabled person could potentially do those things, BUT the difference is they cannot do it safely. If you put your hand in a flame, you couldn’t keep it there long, but your hand will likely be ruined for a long time, even permanently. You could force yourself, as a disabled person, to do certain activities, but it wouldn’t be sustainable and you’ll probably end up making your health worse in the long run.

Your body warns you when you’re pushing yourself and (hopefully) you stop what you are doing because you know that continuing would be damaging. You also know that from either your own experience or the experiences of other disabled people. You don’t need to put your hand into a fire to know it’s dangerously hot. Sometimes well intentioned people, assuming that for whatever reason it’s encouraging to say it, will compare your situation to someone they know. But even if that person has the same conditions as you, everyone’s limitations and capabilities will be different. To have a one size fits all approach to disability is damaging. It’s like saying; “Well if Usain Bolt can run for the Olympics, why can’t you? You both have working legs - you just need to train harder!” Just because your situations are similar, it doesn’t mean you’re capable of the same things.

The flame is your tolerance for exertion. Some days the flame is dimmer and you can get closer to it. Other days it blazes and you have to avoid it entirely. You might be able, on most days, to creep up to the flame, but once you start feeling its heat you know to stop or back away.

Your disability and what you can do on a given day may change day to day, week to week, month to month. Don’t let anyone make you feel as though you’re not doing enough or that you should just push through the pain and symptoms. Listen to your body when it tells you enough is enough. Don’t burn yourself just to prove to others that you know what is best for yourself.

[multiplicity-positivity]

I kind of like being plural but omg I wanted to know so much what it feels like to not be dissociated... I really wanted to know what it feels like to feel something and feel like you are you and I wanted to know what it's like to have a strong sense of identity and I would give the world to have a consistent personality and feel like my body. I wanted so much. the worst part is that even when i was a kid i didnt feel different, i remember having so many problems with dissociation back in the day and even though i am thankful they are not strong, is it too much to ask to know what it feels like to NOT feel this way? Is it too much to ask if I want to know what it's like to be a single whole person?

sorry, I guess I'm just so tired of it...

Ahh, oh my goodness, we’re so sorry. We really are so very sorry, anon. And we truly wish we could offer some advice or reassurance… but our system is in an incredibly similar position!

In our system, nearly every part feels disconnected from themselves and out of touch with the world. Even those of us who interact with the world and are fronting regularly! Dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization can be incredibly serious, and struggling with these symptoms often can be a difficult, chronic battle.

It’s our goal that, through treatment, we’ll eventually be able to learn what it’s like to not be so dissociated, so disconnected and out of touch with everything. Honestly we don’t know how to go about getting rid of dissociation other than through, like, talk therapy and perhaps medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. Maybe there are natural remedies out there? But we really aren’t aware of them.

What’s helped us a little bit is understanding that we’re not alone in this. That other people are living their lives just as dissociated as we are. The blog @disassociation-culture-is and subreddits like r/DID and r/DPDR have been really helpful for us to see other people talking about things that we’ve been experiencing for decades. It helps us feel seen, which in turn can help us feel almost real.

Anon, it’s NOT too much to wish you weren’t constantly dissociating. It’s not too much to wish you were normal, to wish you could connect with your body and your personality and your life. We all deserve to experience this! It’s so sad and unfortunate that, for many of us, we have never had the proper opportunity to.

We have hope that things won’t be like this for you forever. We have faith that one day you will be able to see yourself and experience the world in clarity for what it is, as you are. It may take a long time, it may take lots of treatment or energy spent working on yourself. It may come at a time when you least expect it. But we’re truly wishing this for you, and hope that soon you can find a way to make peace with yourself and your life as you are.

Until then, please know that you’re not alone. We may not always show it here, but the truth is, we really do struggle with our DID and the intense dissociation and disconnection that comes with it. It is genuinely disabling and we often don’t know how to cope. But we’re trying to take things one day at a time! And we really wish the same for you.

Keep your chin up, if you can! You got this - we believe in you! Even and especially when it’s hard, we have faith that you’ll pull through! And we’re rooting for you through thick and thin! 💖

🌸 Margo and 💚 Ralsei

[ghooostbaby]

deeeep dive into why and how wei wuxian and lan wangji love each other, complete each other, are the inverse reflection of each other’s deeply hidden internal selves mirrored through the other’s external self, lan wangji’s inner wildness that he has to conceal and protect recognizing and loving wei wuxian’s outer wildness, wei wuxian’s deep, fuddy-duddy morality and values that he conceals with an elaborate subterfuge of jokes, mischief, and bravado, seeing and loving in lan wangji the ability to say no that it was never safe for him to express directly, “between you and me there is no need for thank you and sorry”

oh and a slight diversion midway through into a manifesto on WEI WUXIAN IS NOT INSECURE the whole story is about a society where being liked is ESSENTIAL for survival and it is actually completely perilous not to be liked, and his “people pleasing” is a skill and tool for his survival especially as an orphan and proven to be a necessary one when he stops doing it and STOPS SURVIVING

after the cut discussing the very interesting dynamics of consent in general in the novel, but not going into the consensual non-consent kink stuff till the last paragraph if you need to avoid for any reason.

I've been thinking about how Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian the exterior, unfettered expression of the wildness Lan WangJi holds in him and protects with rigid codes of conduct, propriety and outward dignity.

I have had this sense that these two are mirrors, either one reflecting the hidden, interior (and unallowed) self of the other. but it seemed more clear from Lan WangJi's side, especially knowing about his history with his mother and the spicy side that emerges when he drinks and in the extras.

I also - just... the way this whole story shows how romantic love is truly this longing for your self, to become yourself, to become the thing you're not allowed to be, seeing in that person the expression of whatever it is you can't become and longing for it, protecting it, joining with it as closely as you can without ever being able to let it live inside your own body.

On the surface it seems a lot more difficult for Wei WuXian to find a piece of his soul in Lan Wangji. I think its a bit too simplistic to see whatever draws Wei WuXian to Lan Wangji as a reverse-psychology sort of craving of acceptance from the only one who won't give it, pushing and pushing against this impenetrable boundary that he needs to break to feel assurance that no matter what he can make anyone accept him.

And he is SO drawn - in a mind boggling way, in the teenage flashbacks Lan WangJi rudely and aggressively throws him off over and over and Wei WuXian cannot keep away! Even when he talks about how boring Lan WangJi is, he never stops trying to be around him and talk to him.

I've seen discussions of the way Wei WuXian has always relied on the goodwill of others to survive, and that his placating of others to survive is a character flaw. Although that seems only halfway true. 

As a young child he didn't have anyone's goodwill for a while and he survived, and it seems like he can always find a way to survive from whatever means and sometimes very limited resources he has at his disposal. Doing what he has to do to become powerful enough to survive losing his core and being thrown into the burial mounds slowly costs him the goodwill of everyone around him - and what happens to him as a result shows how much placation was a truly necessary for someone without the protection of biological/hereditary family bonds.

(Don’t get me started on how his loss of his golden core and his development of demonic cultivation to give himself power by ‘unnatural methods’ through the use of a musical instrument is a metaphor for disability and the way ableist society sees the use of accessibility devices and tools. Actually please DO get my started haha.)

Wei WuXian is so charismatic and seems very used to getting what he wants and needs on the strength of that. He pushes a lot of boundaries and seems pretty confident and flexibly prepared to handle the consequences, whether beatings or harsh words. But he does work so hard to make others feel good, good with him, good with themselves.

When he is in the cave with Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian is described as "like one who forgets all past pain as soon as the wound heals". He can't resist coming up beside Lan WangJi and talking to him again and again after every time Lan WangJi pushes him off, only finally staying away when Lan WangJi bites him (and he still keeps trying to talk to him after a little bit!) and then calls him an awful person (!!! Bad Wangji! :(((( ). In the end, when Lan WangJi (very minimally) discloses what happened to his sect and his father, and even cries, because of all the defences/assaults Lan WangJi has put up Wei WuXian can't do anything or say anything to help and feels miserable.

Lan WangJi just absolutely refuses to allow Wei WuXian to take care of him - and I began to wonder maybe that’s what Wei WuXian actually really likes about him? Why he is unable to resist coming up to Lan WangJi again and again? Maybe because Lan WangJi refuses to let Wei WuXian appease him. He’s not trying to crack Lan WangJi to get to this impenetrable place of approval and acceptance. In a way he can’t quite understand, Lan WangJi is a respite for Wei WuXian from the constant work to be the one who pleases.

And  how different this is to how Wei WuXian is (or has to be) with Jiang Cheng when he wakes up in Lotus Pier after the cave. Jiang Cheng gets so down and really really needs Wei WuXian to do what he does so well (and wasn’t allowed to do with Lan WangJi) - chasing Jiang Cheng down while being injured and reassuring him about all his insecurities about his father's acceptance and becoming a sect leader and Wei WuXian's own abilities excelling his - and at first Jiang Cheng is pushing him away, but he really does need Wei WuXian to do all this to feel better.

Wei WuXian is described as not wanting to be lonely, and not wanting to see other people unhappy, and he keeps trying to push and pull with whatever he has to not be lonely and lift the mood for those around him. I don't think it's a kind of codependency or insecurity. It’s not that Wei WuXian is afraid to say no, in fact I would say he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, but he must always do it creatively, with humour. Similarly to Nie Huaisang, he uses a persona of foolishness to give himself a covert agency.

I also think I'm writing this because I don't like seeing this discussed as a sad bean character flaw for him to always need to be liked - its a strategy, its a tool, its how he survives and excels. Doesn’t the whole story prove how essential being liked is to a human’s survival? And he is so so good at being liked, in making others happy, even when he is refusing to do what others want from him that he doesn't want to do, he does it in a way that deflects criticism, with a smiling bravado that never says what it truly means and has people writing him off as shameless or foolish or just endearing himself toward them despite themselves.

He is always at work really, with jokes and flattery or mischief and teasing, to get the resources he wants and needs. Case and point, when he makes a big coquettish show for mianmian, definitely not being "people pleasing" for her, but the group of girls around them all find it funny and cute and in the end she gives him a perfume sachet which ends up being a valuable resource for later. Or the time he outright tells Jiang Cheng that if you give the girls some lotus seeds they'll remember you and return the favour in the future. (Also notice how his interactions with girls seen as flirtatious are actually strategic resource-gathering acts.) These are the skills he has developed to meet his own needs. (THIS IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. I REPEAT.) He takes what he needs and steals from the Lotus Pier markets knowing it'll be paid for, he lives like he never know when his next windfall will come from so he'll take what he can when he can find it. Like Jiang Fengmian said, if there is no guarantee of a meal in the future then today's meal should still be enjoyed. It’s how Wei WuXian said to Nie Huaisang at Cloud Recesses, you have to find ways to make your own fun out of whatever you have. So he gets kicked out of class, goes fishing, gets alcohol, he pursues his own pleasure. He actually is quite insistent of his own agency and right to choose, he just can never directly say no.

And that little detail that Wei WuXian always tucks coins into his clothes just in case, that makes him able to buy food when he and Jiang Cheng are on the run... breaks my heart and reveals so much about the way Wei WuXian is constantly at work on ensuring his own survival and never takes for granted whether he is safe (he knows he never is). 

I've seen some people talking about Wei WuXian sacrificing so much for his brother and sister out of a need to be accepted out of a chronic sense of insecurity. But isn’t this just true? Doesn't he live in a world where being accepted is absolutely essential for survival? Doesn’t this whole story show the cruelty of a social system based on networks of hereditary/biological family that closes out and scapegoats any outsiders, and that without biological family connections that can enclose around you, you can never truly be safe if not constantly working to earn acceptance? (And then beautifully ends with the way a gay romantic relationship that queers marriage/family/etc disrupts all this and creates safety and inclusion for Wei WuXian without needing a normative family.) (AKA romantic love does not resolve some internal personal problem in Wei WuXian but disrupts and refuses and rebels against the problem of SOCIETY.) (*breathes heavily*)

And that’s why Lan WangJi is magnetizing to Wei WuXian. Lan WangJi is always saying no. Although what Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian is an exterior wildness, Wei WuXian is not really out of control so much as he is playing and caring and supplicating and showing off and pleasing people to get the resources and the acceptance he needs to live his life. He has firm values and desires that he can never outwardly state, only creatively spinning plates to distract and deflect while he refuses what goes against his values, protects who he cares for, or takes what he needs to in order to survive/thrive. Lan WangJi embodies an exterior of resoluteness and direct agency that Wei WuXian doesn't have the luxury of. And he's so drawn to him for his ability to repeatedly say no, to refuse to get along, or make others laugh, make other people happy, but just simply follow what he thinks is right.

Wei WuXian’s outward wild movement protects an inward stillness. He is an exterior of people-pleasing around an interior of refusal. He is an exterior of youthful rebellion around an interior of unflinching morality. He sees in Lan WangJi the outward expression of his stillness, his morality, his resistance that he can't express, that he's had to protect.

FYI after the cut gets more into the dynamics of consent in the story, and the last paragraph directly talks about consensual non-consent kink play in wangxian’s relationship.

When Wei WuXian is with Lan WangJi, there is no work to be done. Lan WangJi cannot be swayed by him, and so there's no point vying for resources or favors. Lan WangJi will either give him everything or refuse him everything based on who he is, it does not matter what Wei WuXian does and he can't do anything that will change Lan WangJi’s mind. Someone he literally can't win over. After the resurrection, they are often in an adorable tug of war, where Wei WuXian tries to take care of Lan WangJi, while Lan WangJi won't allow him to but demands to care of Wei WuXian right back. Actually, Lan WangJi insists that Wei WuXian take everything he wants or needs from him and is even angry when he doesn't take or when Wei WuXian tries to offer a gesture in return, even something as simple as a thank you Lan WangJi won't accept. It’s kind of adorable how frustrated Wei WuXian is in doing this thing he's learned that he needs to do, and just... so confused by Lan WangJi, and has to find a way to please this person who aggressively refuses to be pleased and is ONLY pleased by Wei WuXian being pleased.

(Not to mention the way Wei WuXian delights in finding that Lan WangJi can’t say what he wants, and they have sort of these chaotic cohesive both-being-so-pleased-by-working-hard-to-please each-other moments where Wei WuXian is letting Lan WangJi please him by finding out what pleases Lan WangJi and giving it to him.)

The wildness Lan WangJi had always hidden within himself is something he sees as just as dangerous as Wei WuXian thinks of his desire to refuse. He saw his mother be socially alienated, shunned, and eventually die because of her wildness. His ability to survive in the world, aka to be accepted by his family, is contingent on him being able to control this inner wildness. From a young age (re: Phoenix Mountain kiss) he could only understand his sexual desires for Wei WuXian as something repulsive or dangerous that had to be repressed and controlled, and that the only way he could imagine his desires as possible was as non-consensual. His secret gay desires were never available to him as anything but something monstrous.

Importantly, it’s not like everyone else other than Lan WangJi are all vampires cruelly demanding Wei WuXian’s constant sacrifice. Wei WuXian is always vibrantly, charismatically offering so much, before anyone has asked. It’s Wei WuXian who creates this kind of relationship for himself again and again. It’s Lan WangJi who simply refuses - he refuses to charmed, to be cared for. And so in the end Lan WangJi becomes the one person who Wei WuXian feels doesn't need anything from him. When he says he's eating the corpse's fruit to save Lan WangJi money and Lan WangJi says that will never be necessary. Or when Wei WuXian asks what toy he should win for Lan WangJi at the market game, and Lan WangJi says anything Wei WuXian gets will be the one he wants. (XD stahhhhp it’s too sweet !!!) He really just wants Wei WuXian to be, to exist, to spend his life discovering his own desires and allow Lan WangJi to help satisfy them, he doesn't want anything from Wei WuXian other than him living - happy and safe.

It takes someone like Lan WangJi to refuse Wei WuXian’s aggressive generosity, it’s definitely not an easy thing to say no to Wei WuXian, dazzling or annoying people so chaotically before they even realize there’s something to say no to. The sacrifice he gives to Jiang Cheng, he never even offers a choice - and perhaps it would have been too much for Jiang Cheng to accept if he had the chance.

Lan WangJi’s statement "Between us there is no need for thank you and sorry" seems like one of the most important sentences in the novel, and you can’t help but noticed the way “sorry” and “thank you” is littered meaningfully through the book. What is owed, what the characters owe to each other, the give and take, touches every part of the story (down to wangxian's erotic explorations!).

When Jiang Cheng talks to Wei WuXian at the Guanyin temple he makes a lot of contradictory statements about what Wei WuXian owes, what he was given, what he took, what he (Wei WuXian still) is owed in return. Wei WuXian, according to Jiang Cheng, took everything from the Jiang clan, and paid them back with their deaths. The Jiang clan give him his life when they took him in, and he owed Jiang Cheng service for the rest of his life as the right hand to the sect leader, that’s what Wei WuXian had promised anyway. At the same time, Wei WuXian sacrificed everything (his golden core) to Jiang Cheng, by giving everything he was taking one more thing - Jiang Cheng’s right to even be angry at him. Jiang Cheng had taken everything from Wei WuXian. Everything that happened around Wei WuXian after could be said to be because of the loss of his golden core, which Jiang Cheng might be said to be responsible for. But he never asked for it, maybe he never would have wanted it. He wishes Wei WuXian told him, but Jiang Cheng never told Wei WuXian his golden core was melted while he was sacrificing himself to save Wei WuXian. He wants Wei wuxian to say sorry, but that makes him feel pathetic. And Jiang Cheng says sorry too. It’s a mess of paradoxes, and in the end somehow it seems like the scales are balanced in the most hollow, dismal way.

What is owed, what is given, what is taken ... Wei WuXian has never been part of a family. He has always had to say thank you and sorry for everything he's taken. Wei WuXian himself admits that he used "thank you" as a way to enforce distance between himself and Lan WangJi. Lan WangJi's point i think is that they belong to each other, Wei WuXian is his, and he is Wei WuXian's, unconditionally. The way that Jiang Cheng speaks of him in the Guanyin temple (admittedly I read a fan translation and this is very nuanced, related to slight variations of grammar), even when Jiang Cheng clearly is so broken by the loss of Wei WuXian from his life, he talks about Wei WuXian as an outsider. It is what MY family gave to YOU, never what you took from our family. But at one point Wei WuXian was part of their family - but he takes too much, and becomes an ex-disciple, not a brother. Wei WuXian’s inclusion as a Jiang was always conditional. 

Even when Wen Qing and Wen Ning leave him to go take the blame for qiongqing path they tell him "thank you and sorry", drawing a line between them and him, so he doesn’t even belong to these people who he sacrificed everything for. The way Wei WuXian acted when he was younger, he was always keenly aware of this - he always knew that he didn’t belong to anyone, no one is going to protect him unconditionally. And after first escaping the Burial Mounds, he is done pretending. When Lan WangJi warns him about what a demonic cultivation path will do to his heart, Wei WuXian replies: “After all, on the topic of how my heart is, what could other people know about it? Why should other people care about it?” He is done pleasing. Nothing has changed really, he still belongs to no one and is alone, but now he is angry about it, and instead of saying thank you and sorry he is going to become too powerful to be at anyone's mercy. And then we see in the story afterward what happens to people who don't say thank you and sorry.

The whole point I think is the impossibility of choice, the impossibility of consent in this society. If he didn't forgo the behaviour his social acceptance was conditional on, he wouldn't have survived the burial mounds. But once he becomes powerful enough to survive and get revenge on the Wens, he is socially outcast. Except he was already outcast from the beginning.

And so how do Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi find a way through all that to a life together where all their desires are possible, where Wei WuXian can say no while also being pleasing (safe) to others, and Lan WangJi can indulge in his wild desires while still being good? The answer is kinky sex!

It is kind of miraculous and beautiful how Wei WuXian finds a way to say no, while simultaneously pleasing Lan WangJi, giving pleasure, while taking it, saying no, and knowing his refusal is not just tolerated, but gives Lan WangJi pleasure, knowing Lan wangji and knowing the painful belief Lan WangJi holds within that his desires are unacceptable and unspeakable, and that Wei WuXian can take care of Lan Wangji in a secret little way and please him and give everything to him by craving this wildness in Lan WangJi while at the same time he gets to say no again and again , and it won't push Lan WangJi away, he can refuse everything while at the same time be totally pleasing and thus safe, and also for Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian's pleasure at saying "no" while still being held onto, that he genuinely wants to be fucked even while begging Lan WangJi to stop (and the many ways he does give his consent for this throughout, especially their first time), allows Lan WangJi the ecstatic feeling that this idea that his sexual desires are only possible through force are not just something his lover forgives him for but something his lover is SO turned on by, and that he has consent for his fantasies of non-consent, Wei WuXian has the same fantasies from the other side, he is doing what he is supposed to while doing what he shouldn't, and actually these monstrous feelings in him allow him to take care of Wei WuXian in a way that he needs - that they both need - and all these impulses that are so wrong with Wei WuXian become very right and a way to do good. And they are just both so perfect and perfect for each other and I love them and I am so happy for them to have a long kinky life together.

[lubdubsworld]

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is. 

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I’d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy  to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.  

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely.  She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while.  We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.  

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong.  She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.  

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements  and you have to have  a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth  always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and  I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have  a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is  give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice.  You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

 Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You’re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook  knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..”  She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.  

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone,  simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “  All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It’s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to. 

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg. 

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it. 

[echo-of-sounds]

pregnancy

Small headcanons of how Aizawa, Toshinori, Hizashi, Fatgum, Gang Orca, and Hound Dog would be through your pregnancy.

I don’t write about giving birth (as I’m mildly terrified of doing so) so I didn’t add anything about that. Please don’t ask for me to. And even though I’m not interested in getting pregnant, I think I’d be okay with it if Kugo or Ryo were the father.

EDIT: I love picturing all of these men with little girls. It’s just so cute!

Warnings: uh, pregnancy

Aizawa Shouta

Shouta isn’t one to jump for joy when you tell him. However, you will get to see his handsome smile when he grabs your waist, breathing out a light laugh of happiness as he tightly hugs you. His smile won’t disappear for a while. Every time he glances at you, one simply finds its way onto his face.

It may not be by a whole lot, but his behavior changes. Just a little. When you’re out and about, his hand finds its way to your back or elbow much more often, particularly in a crowd. It’s the paternal instincts kicking in. His favorite cuddling position, laying between your legs with his head on your stomach, becomes harder the farther along you are. He adjusts to laying behind you, keeping a hand on your tummy throughout the entire night.

Shouta hides his worries well. Even the people closest to him have a tough time telling what exactly is going on with him. Sometimes, it’s a good thing. He’s a stable person to lean on. But it’s difficult to deal with when you’re hormonal and emotional. He pushes himself so hard to speak more. There’s no way of him understanding everything you’re going through, but when he opens up, he can tell just how much you appreciate it during the tough times. So he does it near-daily, checking in with each other before bed.

He hates how busy his life is. Well, he’s always kind of hated it. Now it’s worse because his partner’s pregnant, and he’s stuck in a room with screaming children when he should be bringing you to your appointments. Shouta attempts to make up for the absence by heading home every night and helping around the house more. Step in. Explain how you value his help, but also need him to relax. If he gets overworked, that would only stress you more.

Shouta changes his eating habits and fitness routines. He wants you to eat well for yourself and your child. He wants you to keep exercising for yourself and your child. He simply wants your body to be healthy. Don’t grumble because he’ll throw your complaining back in your face when the Lamaze coach explains how important physical health is. But don’t worry, his cute smile makes up for the teasing.

Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori is starstruck. Too many thoughts flood and fight. He loves children and has always wanted a family. Being able to father one with you is indescribable. And he never thought the universe would grant any of that. On the flip side, his fear is also undefinable. People know who he is now; who knows what’s out there, waiting to expose All Might’s weakness. The rapid thoughts may bring a tear or two. Cup his face and kiss them away, reassuring him that everything’s okay.

The fears follow him throughout your pregnancy. Like all things (with you and him), there are good days and bad days. His emotions ramp-up during your emotional and physically unwell days. He tries his best to push them down to focus on you. But they eventually end up spilling over. It’ll be common for both of you to cry at the end of the day, snuggled together, talking about the future, worries, and anticipations.

In general, Toshinori isn’t that protective. He trusts you and your abilities. Just because you’re pregnant, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly disabled. You can still do things. Although, he does become a bit of a helicopter. Whenever you bend over to pick up a bag, he beats you to it. He swoops the laundry basket from your hands, claiming, ‘You shouldn’t be lifting heavy things,’ despite it not even being ten pounds. He’s just very watchful of your movements.

He’s very active in dieting, doctor’s appointments, and planning. He eats well, so it’s easy for him to aid you in that respect. For doctors, he has quite a lot of contacts and knows many doctors from his time in the hospital. He asks around, only accepting the best for you. Planning, shopping, and setting up the nursery are his favorite parts. He loves choosing the sweetest colors, softest blankets, and, of course, all the adorable All Might onesies, toys, and superhero books he can find. The nursery is set up perfectly.

Toshinori doesn’t admit how incredibly your pregnant body enchants him. It isn’t always a horny, sexual need. It’s about admiring your body and what it’s creating. He just wonders at you. All the time. Sometimes the changes may make you feel insecure. He’s always there to listen and assure you how amazing your body is. If you want cuddles and kisses, he’ll give them with a smile. If you want gentle lovemaking, he guides you onto your back and gives you exactly what you want.

Yamada Hizashi

Expect a loud song of love, a bear hug, and jumping for joy when you tell him. Hizashi loves kids. He thinks they’re amazing and say some of the greatest things. And he’s beyond excited to see their quirk. Of course, it doesn’t mean he’ll love them any less if they’re born quirkless. He just loves imagining a little one with a similar quirk running around your place.

He is all about redecorating and planning. The entire apartment is getting babyfied and rearranged. The nursery will be beautifully painted. He regularly comes home with cute outfits and stuffed animals. Partly, it’s because he’s just so excited. The other part is he wants you to relax through the pregnancy. No stress, pressure, and unnecessary burden on your shoulders. He’s there to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible.

Hizashi doesn’t just spoil your unborn child; he spoils you, buying you those pregnancy pillows, your favorite ice cream, driving you everywhere, etc… He just hates how much time his jobs take. He’d rather spend his time with you. To help, he’ll ask for time off of patrols, choosing to be closer with you, physically, mentally, and emotionally, during your pregnancy.

In the later months, Hizashi is all over you. Seriously, he will not leave you alone. He’s very handsy, kneading and licking your swollen, sore breasts, and stroking your belly. Your body, and everything it’s doing, is utterly gorgeous to him. He’ll suck away, gently nursing on your nipple while dozing off to Tv, occasionally switching to the other so it isn’t left needy.

Toyomitsu Taishiro

When you tell Taishiro, you’ll only be able to get out a few words before you’re lifted off your feet and spun around. He smooches all over your face, laughing and cheering about how amazing and perfect and stunning you are. You’ll have to ask to be put down lest you get sick from all his spinning. But his compliments keep coming. They won’t dwindle for a while. There’s just too much love in his body to keep inside.

Whatever you’re craving, no matter if it’s pineapple dipped in ketchup, he gives without complaint. He may try some of your odd combinations. Who knows? You could be on to something new. At the same time, he also watches out for your health. The cravings suck. He understands that. He truly does. But if you ate something sweet/not as healthy for lunch, then he plans a healthy dinner for you. Your body’s going crazy. It needs its nutrients.

Your worries are always taken seriously. It could be the most absurd thing to be anxious over. Tai always listens. His cute smile and never-ending positivity help a ton. Your body and brain are going through a lot. He’ll do his part to validate all your feelings. He talks down the anxieties as you eat pickles on ice cream, making sure you are and feel heard.

Since he works one job compared to the others, he’s able to be with you much more, notably during the hard-to-handle days and at appointments. And he picks up extra chores so you can rest through aches and pains. Any choices you make regarding your pregnancy and birth, he supports. He may not agree with everything, but he loves you, and it’s your body. He’ll always put your comfort and wishes first.

Tai treasured your tummy before. But now, seeing you growing with his child, he’s absolutely enraptured. He places nightly and morning kisses on your belly. When he wakes you up, his kisses trail down to the bump. Every night, he rubs lotion into your tummy, kissing and cooing to his child. It doesn’t matter if you’re only one week pregnant, and it’s just a clump of cells in there. Tai still sings to them.

Gang Orca

Kugo is in disbelief when you tell him. He freezes, staring, hardly hearing your words. Give him five minutes. He���ll process what you said and snap back to the present. Watch out because you’re going to get lifted high into the air and maybe tossed like a father does a baby. He’s just practicing. It’ll only take one or two days for him to slip into paternal mode. It’s damn near instinct for him.

As per usual, he’s a gentle paragon behind closed doors. Throughout your pregnancy, he melts into a puddle of sweet honey. His overall affection skyrockets. His hands and claws are as tender as possible whenever they touch you, doing whatever you need him to: massaging your back and legs, rubbing lotion all over, or brushing your hair. He reassures you through tears. He prepares healthy meals that satisfy your cravings. And he holds you all night, keeping you safe on his chest and in his arms.

Kugo goes to every single checkup and appointment. It doesn’t matter if it’s just an ordinary visit to your primary care doctor; he calls out of work and goes with you. At any ultrasounds, expect a few tears, especially when you hear the heartbeat for the first time. He holds them in until you’re alone. The second the door closes, his forehead is nudging yours as small, loved-filled tears fall. He never thought he’d get a family. Part of him thought he didn’t deserve a family, but you’ve proven that false repeatedly.

The farther along you are, the more he watches out for you. He checks in every morning to make sure you took your medicine and vitamins. He washes you so you don’t strain yourself. If you’re waddling, he offers his arm for support and helps you stand. If your back hurts, he applies a heating patch to your lower back and puts your shoes on for you. If you need it, he can carry you to the car and into where you’re going.

As does everyone, Kugo has doubts about his quirk and abilities. People have always viewed those with mutations differently. And it can affect their health, leading to numerous doctor visits and tests. He doesn’t want his baby to deal with the staring, whispers, self-doubts, and distress he did. To support him, talk in detail about his fears and help him realize he’s never disappointed you or hurt anyone. Kugo’s exactly how he should be.

Hound Dog

Ryo doesn’t have a tail, but you’ll definitely see a little happy wiggly before he hugs you. The following week, he keeps you close as he acts differently: rubbing up against you to ensure you smell like him, touching your nose with his, lapping along your neck, sleeping incredibly close, and occasionally smelling between your legs, licking the air around there to smell better. It’s awkward, almost weird, since it isn’t average ‘human’ behavior. But if you love him, let him do it. Please. Understand his nose works differently. It reassures and comforts him to smell you, checking in to see if anything’s changed.

Ryo gets protective when you’re on your period: When you’re pregnant, it’s so, so incredibly worse. He hovers, grumbling low at those walking by. Others barely hear it. It’s intense enough for you to feel it when he’s behind you. He doesn’t like people running up to you, or startling you, or roughhousing or playing in any way. He’s lenient with children, less with teens. Women get a deep growl and scowl. God help any man that approaches you. You might have to have him wear his Hero outfit’s muzzle until you give birth. Though, that might not help because then he’d be protective of two people.

It’s only the teensiest amount better at home. He makes you rest, almost too much. After work or some time outside, he shuffles you to the couch so you can’t overwork yourself. He’s a pleasant change of pace from his typical gruff self. However, as great as he is at the physical needs, he still struggles with the emotional aspects. You can cry on his shoulder, complain, and talk about your worries all you need to. He’s just a bit clunky when it comes to reciprocating the soft emotions. But he puts all his heart into it, and it’s easy to tell.

Ryo is also one who loves pregnancy sexy. You’re swollen and sensitive, and he loves watching your breasts bounce, maybe even leak a little depending on how far along you are. And since you’re already pregnant, he releases and stays inside. After, he lays behind you, keeping himself deep in you despite being flaccid, just feeling how wet and aroused and full you are because of him. When the heated moment is finally done, he licks you clean, nearly getting drunk off your smell.

[catboyantichrist]

Hi there! Can you please do relationship headcanons of a gender neutral MC with autism and ADHD dating the seven brothers? I’d love to see more positive writing of a neurodivergent MC and how each of the brothers would love and respect them regardless of their disabilities. Feel free to do this if you want to. If not, that’s ok! Have a great day! 😁👍🌷🌹🌺🌸🌼🌻🌷🌹🌻🌼🌸🌺

This ask literally made me squeal- my neurodivergent ass is gonna have way too much fun with this- LMAO Just a warning, I'm basing this mainly off of my personal experiences (I have ADHD and am possibly getting tested for atypical autism in the future.). Ill try to be as broad as possible but I'd just like to give a heads up.

Just know that if you don't relate to this post or something in it, that doesn't mean you aren't valid! Everyone experiences neurodivergencey differently ^^

☆The Brothers Dating A GN!MC With Autism & ADHD☆

Day-to-day life has always been a struggle. As it feels like no human truly understands why you function the way you do. From bosses, to teachers, to neurotypical friends. Life can feel draining and like a chore when you're living in a world that doesn't function the way you do.

Then your world literally changes. You're in the devildom now. Most people would be terrified that they're living in a house full of demons. But you weren't. You felt like you finally belonged, and eventually you finally found love. Something that people assumed you'd never be able to find. Well jokes on them because your lover treats you with so much respect and kindness, and of course you do the same. This is some of what your lover does that just makes your heart spin:

Lucifer:

-Much to your dismay, before Lucifer started to get to know you he was similar to the humans you've encountered in the past. This doesn't last long though as one of the brothers (most likely Leviathan or Mammon) try to explain. He begins to go a bit easier on you, and also falls for you.

-When you guys start dating, he makes it his goal to help make your day-to-day life easier. Dare I say, he takes pride in it. (Hahahah aren't I funny?)

-He notices how you need a schedule to function, but how much you hate schedules. So with your permission, he makes a loose schedule and follows it WITH you. It simultaneously helps you function more than usual, and it helps Lucifer take breaks when he needs to.

-You two begin to do everything together, as doing stuff together and holding each other accountable is a lot easier than doing it alone

-If someone ever dares to make a rude comment about you Lucifer will um... "take care of them".

-If you ever get overstimulated from the environment you're in, Lucifer keeps his office wide open as a quiet place for you. He keeps a weighted blanket, some headphones and any stim toys you usually use in a corner of his office. If you're not comfortable with them out in the open he'll keep them in a special box somewhere in his office that others can't get into.

Mammon:

-Executive Dysfunction gang! The both of you are relieved that you understand each other and some dumbass wont just go "jUsT gEt Up aNd dO iT!"

-If you guys are struggling with it at different times, you'll try to help each other do small tasks that require very limited effort so that one of you don't get overwhelmed and stressed out. If its a particularly difficult day, you'll just stay there to support the other if they want that.

-If both of you are struggling that day, you do nothing ✨together✨ and just vibe with each others company.

-This man brings you shiny things. They don't even have to be worth anything, they're just shiny. You proceed to do the same. You two now have a designated spot for shiny things you bring each other. If you have an interest in art, you and him will probably end up using the shiny objects as art projects.

-A LOT of impulse shopping. You guys enable each other. Although you quickly realize that you impulse shop for each other. Every second day you end up bringing each other gifts and laughing about it after.

Leviathan:

-Y'know that arm thing two neurodivergent people do when they find out that the other person is neurodivergent? Yeah you two did that. And still continue to do that. It's your greeting now.

-You two spend tons of time either cuddling and talking about your special interests together, or both of you are pacing around Levi's room talking about your special interests together.

-And if you end up having the same special interest?? Oh man the serotonin you two both get just being AROUND each other.

-If you have a hard time around tons of people (in general or just at certain times) he's more than willing to share his room with you and for you two to do online school together. I mean hey, doing school by yourself online is difficult. (Even if it's more comfortable for you both)

-Will he get you a matching pair of noise cancelling headphones if you have auditory sensory issues, or if you just like the pressure on your head. (I don't know if that's a neurodivergent thing but I will wear my headphones just so that I feel some sort of pressure on my head)

-You both communicate what you need, and whether you need alone time or not. Making sure not to trigger any form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria for eachother.

Satan:

-If you were one of those neurodivergent kids that spent all of their time in the library, going through books like wildfire in middle school, get ready for that to be reignited.

-You two will read together all the time, and if you're having a day where you're more fidgety and don't wanna stay still, Satan is more than happy reading to you while you pace around.

-Satan has a natural curiosity, and loves to learn about anything that he doesn't already know about. So if you have a special interest about your own neurodivergency, he is more than happy to listen to you ramble about your life experiences and symptoms.

-Honestly, it doesn't even have to be about neurodivergency, Satan is happy to listen and learn about anything you're interested currently.

-If you aren't big on physical affection from humans or, well... humanoid people, that's perfectly fine! That's what animals are for! He'll take you to a cat cafe and will enjoy spending time with the animals with you.

-Similar to Lucifer, if anyone makes a comment about the way you act, they wont live to see another day. Unlike Lucifer, the demons who say these comments don't even finish their sentence. They're dead before MC blinks.

Asmodeus:

-When Asmodeus finds out that you have sensory issues that affect what you wear, he decides to hand-make clothes with fabrics of your choice. He has no issue with you prioritizing comfort over appearance, but if you want to put effort into your appearance and texture is stopping you, he's more than happy to design some stuff for you.

-Asmodeus has always been a touchy person, but if you aren't comfortable with that he'd never force you to cuddle. If you are interested in physical affection one of his favourite things to do is put makeup on your face, or just touch your face.

-Speaking of which, if you ever impulsively cut your hair whether it be from breakdown, normal impulsivity, or sensory issues with your hair being longer. He'll always help you cut your hair. He wants to make sure that once you cut it, you wont regret it the next day.

-Depending on whether you like going outside or not (or if its depending on the day) he's more than happy to take you to the fall! He'll make sure you're always comfortable and if you need the attention diverted from you if you need a break!

-If you don't like going outside, Asmo will dedicate certain nights for just you two to hang out. He can always energy match you. Hyperactive? Oh he's right there with you bouncing of the walls. Calmer? He doesn't mind just vibing with you. Comfort? Oh you've come to the right guy.

-Asmodeus is very emotionally intelligent, it may have originally been for the wrong purposes (charming others) but now he can use it to help you work through issues with socializing with others, past traumas from other people, he'll always do his best to support you as long as you'd do the same for him!

Beelzebub:

-Beel is always well meaning, but whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical, communication is key with him. So, if you're unintentionally blunt to neurotypical people, that's exactly what Beel needs and wants. He knows you don't mean it out of harm, you're just trying to state your boundaries.

-Do you need a weighted blanket? This man will become the weighted blanket. He wants to make sure you're comfortable at all times!

-If you have trouble eating, Beel is here to help. If you take meds for ADHD and they make you lose your appetite, or just general forgetfulness, he'll remind you to have at least some sort of small snack throughout the day. Nothing too filling, just enough so that you aren't running on zero food throughout the day.

-All the go-to and comfort foods that you had in the human world? Beel would make it his MISSION to get them, and TONS of it too. It's the only food in the house he wont eat because he knows how important it is to you. He will tear up a bit if you offer to share though.

-If you're in a hyperactive mood, or anxious, Beel will convince you to do some light exercise with him to help calm you down

Belphegor:

-If you have trouble sleeping, Belphie will definitely try and help. Ranging from cuddling, aroma therapy, getting Beel to do exercise with you. To more magical means (if you're comfortable with it) like sleeping powder.

-If you just have a different internal clock than the average person, that's fine too! It may be permanent but that's okay- Belphie will sleep at any time with you.

-Isn't generally a social person so if you're not that big of a fan of social interaction you don't have to worry. Belphie would even do online school with you!

-He would let you use his pillows and blankets to stim if that's something you're interested in. He'd also listen to you ramble about your interests while doing so! As long as you don't mind him talking about the stars afterwards.

-Definitely the most blunt out of his brothers, so communication wouldn't be an issue between you two. If his bluntness is a bit too harsh for you he'll try to tone it down a bit, but it would probably just end up as him trying to explain the reasoning behind the bluntness and how it's not out of harm.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Ok i got an monster tom x scientist reader au universe thing and no it does not take place in the red army base

Reader is a scientist and is asked to run some tests on a new specimen/monster they found, and when reader sees the specimen/monster they actually think it's kinda cute but then some other scientists shock him and even stick some needles in him and reader just feels bad for the specimen/monster at this point so nighttime rolls around and they hack into the cameras to shut them off and wear a mask so they won't get caught and go to the main room where the specimen/monster is they the reader introduces themselves to the monster the monster, thinking they're gonna hurt them, immediately backs off obviously scared and reader convinces the monster that they're not gonna hurt them and the monster shrinks as he's mostly human and says "your not gonna hurt me?" And they reassure him that they're not gonna hurt him and they sneak into the readers car and drives off the lab that the monster was in and reader asks what the "monsters" name is and says their name is "tom". Then reader makes a pit stop to a store real quick to get tom some clothes and then reader drives to they're home and introduces tom to their room and asks if they want some food/ take out or not an he says yes and they get some chinese food and watch some TV, after eating they both go to bed and reader suddenly finds themselves in Toms arms whimpering a little, and reader just kinda decides to pet his hair and rub his horns a little bit which make him purr then tom wraps his tail around reader and asks them to do it more and they do do that untill they notice that he's asleep then they both fall asleep.

Whew, I enjoyed writing this one ^^

Summary: Reader, a scientist, rescues Monster Tom from the lab that experimented on him and brings him home

...............

"Dr. [L/n], I'll let you oversee today's tests on TR-03."

"Alright, chief." You smiled awkwardly as your supervisor handed you the clipboard. It contained the subject's information: a one-eyed horned monster of an unknown species, though your colleagues have theorized it to be a demon. "What kind of tests are we running on it?"

"Resistance to electric shocks. There's evidence of uranium possibly circulating in its blood, so you'll be watching them extract samples as well."

As he explained, your smile gradually dropped as you looked over the information, seeing a ton of redacted information, including several incidents of the destruction it caused prior to its capture.

"So it's gonna be shocked and stuck with needles? Sounds painful."

"Its armor is thick, so it shouldn't feel a thing. Besides...I don't think you need to worry about whether it'll be painful for it." Your supervisor spoke in a rather condescending tone. "After all it's just an animal."

"I...yes, sir. I'll go oversee the tests right away." Not wanting to argue further, you just left his office and wandered through the building.

You were eager yet anxious to meet this monster.

Eventually you reached the area where the creature was being held, climbing up the stairs that led to the skybridge so you could look down into its holding chambers.

It was a massive dark purple creature, with two bright violet horns and a single black eye. Surprisingly it was allowed full movement, though judging from the many claw marks on the walls...it wouldn't surprise you if one day it was chained up to restrict such behavior.

You actually thought it was..kind of cute? It looked scary in pictures, but up-close it didn't seem as terrifying.

That only made you feel more pity for it as other scientists entered the chamber, clad in protective suits, with electric prongs and needles.

Almost immediately the monster seemed aware of what they were going to do, its eye widening as it stood on both feet and cowered in the corner. It growled in warning, only for a scientist to jab its leg with a prong in response, eliciting a roar of pain.

You physically flinched, feeling bad for the creature. But you took notes on its response to electric shocks.

Subject recognized equipment immediately, perceiving them as danger. Responded painfully to electricity.

Soon after being tortured, the monster seemed dazed, allowing another scientist in a hazmat suit to approach it and stick a needle into its hip. The vial of blood collected turned out to be red, with a glowing green aura.

As you took more notes, you heard a small whimper and looked down, seeing that the monster wasn't putting up a fight.

Instead it was...crying?

Sure enough, tears leaked from its eye as more of its blood was drawn, being electrocuted as some sick form of "sedation". It was hard to tell whether the people inside felt any sort of sympathy, but they just took their leave without saying a word to each other. Only a mere nod.

You didn't want to be here any longer than you needed to, so you finished your report and began heading back to your office.

Though you noticed the monster looking up at you, and you couldn't help but frown and murmur a simple:

"I'm sorry."

.............

After your shift was over, normally you'd go home for the night.

But on the ride home...you kept thinking of TR-03 and couldn't shake the images and sounds of its pain.

The way it responded to just seeing the prongs, and the way it looked at you as though it was begging for help, seemed far too human for it to be just a mindless animal.

Of course, you never questioned the secrets this lab kept--not wanting to be fired. But they seemed to be hiding a lot of stuff about this specimen, never speaking about its origins or even what it was capable of.

You may have only seen it for the first time today, but you wanted to know more about it. And you had a feeling that you won't get the answers you wanted by asking around.

Oh no..you were going to free it in order to find out the truth.

Not just to satisfy your own curiosity, but also because...the way it was being treated was far too cruel. To the point where it was crying.

You couldn't stand for this unethical treatment any longer. You had to do something..and be smart about it lest you got killed or worse.

After making a quick stop at a store, you found a mask and changed your clothes, completely disguising yourself. Then you got back in your car and returned to the lab, parking it somewhere far away so that you can sneak inside.

Fortunately you had security access in case any of the specimen breached their chambers. Thanks to your hacking skills you were able to disable every security camera you could find, putting them all on timers so they'd turn on later in the morning. You didn't want to rouse any suspicion.

That was the easy part.

The most important and difficult task lied ahead.

...........

As soon as you entered the monster's chamber, it woke up and grumbled with annoyance. Clearly it didn't like its rest being disturbed.

Though upon seeing you and the mask you wore, it tilted its head. "Grrrah..?"

"Shhh, it's okay." You whispered, removing the mask so it could see your face. While you were awestruck to actually see it up close and personal, you knew you had to keep calm.

But that might've been a mistake as it seemed to recognize you--the one who was watching it earlier today. It immediately backed into a corner, terrified as its chest began heaving with anxiety.

You couldn't blame it for its reaction, though your gently put your hands up and hushed it. "Please don't panic. I'm not here to hurt you. I wanna get you out of here."

"Hrrgrah?"

"Mhm." Smiling, you just pretended you could understand it. "I don't like how they treat you here. They call you an animal but..I know you're more than that."

The monster calmed down a little, before glancing up to the opposite corner. He made a noise of confusion upon seeing that the security camera's annoying red light wasn't blinking.

"I shut that off so nobody can hear or see us."

"H...ack..?"

You blinked, surprised that it could speak some English, but the fact it wasn't cowering like before was a sign it was trusting you. "Yep, I hacked the whole security complex. Now's our chance to escape, but..ah shit."

Suddenly, it never occurred to you: your mission was focused on getting to the monster, but you never considered how you'll get out with the monster.

"Damn..I'm not sure how we'll sneak you out without...." However, you trailed off as you saw it changing into a smaller form.

But it wasn't just shrinking, it was actually turning partially human.

How curious, nobody told you about that. Maybe that was part of the redacted information.

The monster turned out to be a human male, who still retained his horns, tail, and dark scales and fur, which covered his body. His brown hair was messy and spiky, and interestingly enough he had two black eyes.

He didn't have any clothes, obviously, so you took off your coat and put it around him. "So you're human, huh?"

"Your stupid friends' experiments wouldn't let me turn back for a while..." He grumbled in a slight British accent. "You sure you're not gonna hurt me?"

Understandably he got defensive, knowing you were working for the people who tortured him. But you shook your head. "No, I won't. I'm quitting this shithole and I'll take you with me." You took his hand reassuringly, noting that it was still clawed.

He gave you the tiniest of smiles in return. "Heh, glad we're both in agreement."

Soon you both quickly made your escape, luckily not running into any trouble. Your car was still parked right where you left it, so you got in and drove off.

You definitely won't miss working for that lab.

The roads were mostly empty at this time of night, so you were able to breathe easy knowing nobody's gonna chase you. Now seemed to be the best time to talk with the monster.

"So uh..do you have a name?" You spoke up. "I know they call you TR-03 but it doesn't feel right to call you that anymore."

"Tom." He answered as he looked out the window. "My name's Tom Ridges."

'Huh, that explains his code name.'

"I'm [y/n]." After noticing a nearby plaza, you saw a clothing store and decided to make a quick stop there. Tom seemed to be confused, and a bit worried when you left him in the car all alone, though you reassured him you were just buying some clothes for him.

He waited, trying to keep himself out-of-view in case any strangers got too nosy. But before long you were back, opening the driver's side as you peered in and sighed with relief, seeing him halfway out of the chair.

"Jeez, you scared me..thought somebody got you." You sighed, shaking your head.

"S-Sorry, not trying to get any unwanted attention. It's the last thing I need.." He sat upright, though he was surprised when you handed him a bag. Inside was a blue hoodie, boxers, and gray sweatpants. "Oh, cool."

'That's all he has to say?' His reaction was a bit underwhelming. 'Then again..maybe he hasn't processed that he's never going back to that hell chamber yet.'

You just shut the door and waited for him to get dressed, and when he tapped on the window you got back into the car. He definitely looked more comfortable now.

After giving him a smile, you continued on your way home, feeling glad that you rescued him from that place. You had no idea if he had any place to go, granted you don't recall seeing any information on his address nor any relationships.

So he'll stay with you.

...........

"Luckily I got a spare room. Excuse the mess." You chuckled as you showed Tom the extra room in your house, turning on the light. "You can stay here for as long as you'd like."

He nodded as he looked around, before feeling his stomach grumble. In embarrassment he put a hand over it, glancing at you. "Sorry..the food they had was shitty, I'm sure you knew."

"Yeah...you want takeout?" You took out your phone. "I don't feel like cooking tonight so I was gonna order some anyway."

"Sounds good."

"Alrighty, I'll call in the order. We can go watch TV while we wait."

Once more Tom nodded, following you into the living room space where you both sat down on the sofa. He sighed and leaned back, turning on the TV while you ordered some Chinese food.

This situation felt so...comforting and familiar..

For a moment he gazed at you, seeing you look through the menu.

He knew he wasn't the only prisoner back in that lab. So he couldn't understand why you'd choose him, of everyone you could've helped, but...he considered himself lucky.

For once he felt like he could let his guard down a little.

Some time later the food arrived to your house, and you both ate it while watching various TV programs. You asked Tom a bit more about his home life, though he didn't have much to talk about.

Whether he didn't want to say anything or forgot it thanks to the experiments was a mystery, but you wouldn't pry. You'll get your answers sooner or later, though not tonight.

Tonight you both deserved a good rest.

Afterwards you headed off to your own room, letting him know that he can knock on your door if he ever needed anything.

You got into your pajamas and crawled into bed, yawning.

It had definitely been an eventful day. You were eager to sleep in, knowing that you won't ever go back to your boring (and unethical) job.

But just as you had turned off the lights and dozed off, you heard your door creak open. With a slightly annoyed sigh, you sat up and turned on the lamp beside you, before seeing it was Tom.

"Tom? Your room is..."

Though you fell silent when you heard him...whimper? His eyes were white, indicating he was in some kind of distress.

But he crawled onto your bed, practically situating himself in your arms while making sure he didn't jab you with his horns. You were perplexed by his actions, though you finally realized..

He was just scared.

You held him in your arms, rubbing his horns soothingly and petting his hair, murmuring promises that he was safe. In response he nuzzled up to you, tail wrapping around your body as you both laid down.

You only stopped for a moment as he started purring, which made you chuckle softly. "Purring, huh? That's new."

"Can you keep doing that?" He grumbled, closing his eyes. "It was nice till you stopped."

"O-Oh right, sorry." You continued the previous motions, deciding to hum a small song as well to help him sleep.

Eventually you stopped once he dozed off completely, and your cheeks felt warm upon seeing how adorable he looked. 'And to think I was afraid of this guy?' You mused, before turning off the lamp light.

Soon enough you fell asleep as well.

If this is how Tom expressed his thanks...you'll take it.

[jarofstyles]

Teacher’s Pet

A/N: As requested, here is the first part of our professor!harry series. As usual, this we put our little twist on things and we hope that you enjoy! - n+d

send feedback and requests here

If you like this, check out our Patreon!

masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warning: smut, mutual masturbation, use of sex toys

word count: 6.2k

While Harry tried not to show favoritism in his courses, it was hard not to be caring towards the students that showed effort but struggled. That was the case with little Y/N. She was young, pretty, had a bit of an edge to her. From what he had noticed she was kind and often let people borrow pens and once gave a diabetic classmate her muffin when she saw he was a bit pale and taking his blood sugar. 

He wasn’t everyone’s favorite professor. He was a tough grader, had a bit of a resting ‘bitch’ face, and he wasn’t necessarily warm and fuzzy. It wasn’t what Harry wanted at all— but it had to be done so that the students wouldn’t just see him as a peer. He had learned that early in. He had to be strict and get respect or he would be stuck with slackers or people who thought he would ‘do them a solid’ as one student had tried to ask with a fist bump. But when it came to sweet students with dyed hair, a devastated little pout, and even watery eyes, he knew he would have to say something. 

‘If you would like some help, please come to my office any time after 4. I would be happy to assist in figuring out the material.’

It was written next to a poor grade. He could tell that she had potential— she just wasn’t getting it. He also worried about her word usage. If what he thought of was correct, it would make sense why she was struggling.

School was never one of Y/N’s strong suits. From the beginning of her school career she struggled with getting the hang of concepts and her teachers grew a distaste for her because they thought she wasn’t trying. Y/N was a hard worker though, she did genuinely try, but her best was never enough. A few teachers pointed out that she might have a learning disability, but her parents denied that ever being a case. Her other siblings, both older and younger, were able to grasp concepts easily and were all incredible book smart in addition to being talented outside of school. It seemed that Y/N was just the bad apple of the bunch. Her parents would joke, but of course it hurt. She didn’t even want to go to college originally, but her parents forced her to at least try and get a degree so she wouldn’t be a low life. Y/N only agreed because they said they’d keep paying for her band. Of course, you can only really go to college if you pass though and Y/N wasn’t doing too well. 

Professor Styles had always intimidated her, but he just took his job seriously. She could tell by the way he talked about everything that he was passionate about making sure people understood the deeper meaning behind these books and Y/N could appreciate that. It was just a shame that she struggled so much in his class. There were students that excelled in his classes and he was always giving them praise, little surprised smiles and nods, a small ‘good job’ or ‘correct, yes’ here and there. Y/N found herself wanting to try harder in his classes just to get a praise out of him, but she was too nervous to raise her hand even when she did know the answer. This was her third time getting a not so passing grade in this class and Y/N was growing more and more frustrated. She understood the material, or she felt like she did, but whenever it came to reading and remembering, she found herself getting stuck. Little frustrated tears formed in her eyes but she blinked them away, thinking she wasn’t going to muster up the courage to see him today. 

But she did.

He had a soft spot for the students that he helped. It was human nature to care for those you spent time with. It wasn’t like how he thought about Y/N though. Okay— he knew it was bad. But he was intrigued by her. Why? He wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly what it was. Maybe her edgy look, maybe it was because she was seemingly submissive and every time he caught her eye she looked like a deer in headlights. She stares at him a lot, he could notice that. But he likes it. So he was pleasantly surprised when she came to his office, looking skittish but also curious. She needed help and he would offer it to her. 

“Y/N, it’s nice to see you.” Harry adjusted his glasses and sat up straighter, putting the final mark on a test before looking back up at her with a gentle smile. He had to approach with caution, she already looked like she was going to shit herself. “I’m glad you got my note and weren’t offended. But I was wondering if you’d like some help.” He didn’t say what because he wanted her to tell him what exactly she was struggling with.

Y/N was very nervous, mostly because she didn’t like asking for help from anyone. She didn’t like to seem unintelligent in front of men, especially when they were as attractive as Professor Styles. All the girls on campus talked about how hot he was, how his dominance was a turn on and how none of them were properly able to focus in class. At least they were getting passing grades. 

“Hi, professor...” Y/N said softly and closed the door behind her before taking a seat. “I, um... I’m not really good with asking for help.” She explained, pushing a few pieces of hair behind her ear before fixing her septum piercing. Y/N was playing with the hem of her skirt, one of her fingers playing with the fishnet stockings she had on. “I feel like I understand when you’re explaining it and then I go and take the test and it’s like I can’t remember anything you said. But I’m not good at academics anyway so...” Y/N let out a sad chuckle. Her self confidence was pretty low in all aspects, it was a shame because she was a pretty girl. She didn’t seem to think so, hence why she dressed up. At least her clothes she could control.

“Now, don’t say that.” Harry tutted. “I’m sure that’s not true. I bet you just have a different way of learning. If you understand verbally, but freeze when it’s written, that may be the case.” He hummed, flipping through the last work she had handed in. “My question is... it isn’t meant to offend you at all. But do you find difficulty in reading itself?” He approached it gently. You’d be surprised how many adults realize later on in life that they have dyslexia. They were labeled as not the smartest but he was because it took so long for them to understand because the words and numbers get jumbled up. “I’m asking because I notice in your writings, you spell things in a unique way. Or it seems the letters are flipped. This isn’t to embarrass you so please don’t be upset— we just need to figure out why it is that you struggle with the tests.” He leaned forward on his desk, licking over his bottom lip. She was beautiful. In that way when women didn’t know they were beautiful. He wished he could see more of her body— fuck, not going there. Absolutely not. Even though technically it wasn’t like he would be fired, seeing as half the damn staff fucks students. It was always that forbidden element. Either way, he was far too much for this sweet thing to handle. “I would like to help you if you would let me do so.”

Y/N felt really anxious, bouncing her leg to try and keep her composure. She didn’t think she was smart. She wasn’t good at math, wasn’t good at science, she was decent at English but even that seemed to be difficult now that she was reading classics that were barely in modern English. She just decided that learning wasn’t for her. 

“I’m not a reader, no.” She shook her head, Y/N found herself having trouble focusing for a long time and when it came to reading words get jumbled up and she struggled a lot. Especially when she started thinking about it too much. Of course Y/N was embarrassed even though he said he wasn’t trying to embarrass her. It was more just her feeling incompetent. She didn’t like making eye contact with him for too long because she felt like he was staring straight into her soul. She was a bit shy and timid when it came to new people. She appreciated that he wasn’t judging her though. “I don’t know what you could do to help, but if you’d like to try we can? I—I don’t want to waste your time.”

“There’s no wasting time if it helps improve your learning, yeah? Please don’t think of yourself like that. You are an important person, just as important as my other students. I want you to succeed.” Harry promised. It kind of broke his heart that she was so sure that her time with him would be wasted. It made him sad that she felt that way. Why? “How about we set up a time... let’s say two days a week? I have time around now, so 4:15 to 5 where I can help you.” He normally wouldn’t do it for most  but he wasn’t going to let her suffer. A passion project, so to speak. “I don’t know your schedule but I would be here during that time normally. I basically live in this office anyways.” He smiled in a joking way. “We can work on understanding first what was wrong and then we can have time to work on the new material.”

Y/N nodded her head in agreement, but it did make her worry. Of course she could only try her best but she was so used to failing that she wasn’t sure how much harder she could try. She was barely passing her other classes and frankly she was thinking about dropping out all together. Maybe she was the lowlife her parents made her out to be? 

“Can do... Monday’s and Thursday’s..” Y/N told him, “if that’s okay, I have band practice on Wednesday’s.” She wasn’t sure why’s she told him but part of it was to show that she wasn’t just a stupid girl that she did have some talent or at least she thought she did. “It’s um... it’s really nice of you to do this, thank you.” She told him genuinely, though she was terrified of letting him down. He seemed so cool. He wasn’t like this in his classes, he seemed much more approachable this way. Maybe in another life they could have been friends or more than that... no, he probably wasn’t into girls like her. She needed a cigarette.

“Of course. You have my email if you need to reschedule.” But he could see right through her. Of course he could. “But... if you’re nervous, tell me. I can soothe the worries. I’ll be awfully disappointed if you don’t show up and don’t let me know.” He knew she was skittish. He didn’t want her to back out and not take the time to try at the very least. “Let’s just work on it a day at a time. I hope to see you soon.” 

When she walked out, he was ashamed to say he was entranced by her ass. He was such a bastard for thinking about a student like that. So bad. But it didn’t stop him from seeing her eyes when he fucked his fist later that night.

----

The next couple of days left Y/N worried. Coming out of professor Styles’ office had left her feeling on edge, wondering if it was even worth trying. She felt like nothing would save her at this point but this was going to be her last attempt. If it didn’t work out she’d just drop out and couch surf. But she didn’t want to have to do that, her kitty Jinx would have to find a new home and that was something she certainly didn’t want. It was Monday and Y/N didn’t go to her classes today, feeling like it was justified because she was meeting with Professor Styles today. 

If she was going to work on herself she wanted to be in the best shape possible, so she smoked some weed in the morning to get her day off right and got her things together before getting her skateboard and making her way to his office.

Harry was pleased when she actually showed up at his office. He was half expecting her to drop his class with how terrified she had seemed the past time, and he was curious to see how she had thought about what her grades and his revisions on her test. He had worn a dark red button up today with suspenders, his blazer off and hair a tiny bit messy. His glasses hung off the end of his nose while he looked up at her with surprise, before a smile came on his face. 

“Y/N! I’m very glad to see you’ve come.” He hummed, sitting up and leaning back in his chair. “Go ahead and make yourself comfortable on the couch. Would you like a water?”  He had a mini fridge in his office. Without listening to an answer, he pulled one out anyways and handed it to her, rounding the desk so he seemed less scary. The desk was a position of power. One he loved, but also didn’t want to take advantage of when Y/N obviously was terrified of it. “Alright. So... you’ve seen my revisions?” He sat on the other arm chair across from the couch, glasses pushed up now with his copy of her paper. “Good. What do you think about your mistakes? Were they because you didn’t understand the material, or didn’t know what to say in paper?”

Y/N gave him a small smile, setting her skate board up against the side wall before taking a seat on the couch. No amount of weed could have calmed her down, she wasn’t even that high anymore it was just the residual feeling. Right now, she was more concerned about having to tell him what was going on inside her mind when she was working on assignments. 

“I—I um... both?” She felt a blush creeping in on her cheeks. “I tried to like... watch videos about it, cause whenever I try to read I just get frustrated.” Y/N explained fiddling with the paper. She didn’t like this feeling, it was obvious that it was something that made her emotional which was why she didn’t really talk about it. She let out a breath, looking over what she wrote and seeing all the red pen. It made her want to crawl up into a ball despite how nice he was being. He was trying and so she would also try her best to keep it together. “I find it really hard to focus..”

“I don’t doubt that you do, Y/N. I’m thinking that maybe this isn’t something to do with your focus, but maybe it’s with your reading? You could learn differently than other people and that's absolutely alright.” Harry felt poorly that she was so sad and embarrassed about it. “Look at me.” When she didn’t respond he was trying a different tactic. Soft but very obviously meaning business. “There we are. Now, this doesn’t mean you’re stupid or unable to learn or do well in my class. You just may need to learn differently.” He stood up and grabbed a book from his shelf. “So this book— I got it online. It has some illustrations in it, and I find they’re pretty self explanatory. Maybe this will help you understand it better. Having an image opposed to words in your mind.” He handed it to her. She didn’t need to know he had bought it himself.

Y/N glanced up at him as he told her to look at him, seeing his face go much softer but his eyes still held that same intensity. She followed his with her eyes as he went to get the book. It was much thicker than the others due to all the illustrations but of course it made her feel like a little kid again. She just wished she could be normal. 

“Okay...” She said softly, willing to try anything at this point. Of course she was nervous about going forward with his class seeing as she knew things would only get more difficult. Y/N gave him a small thank you as she looked through the book but part of her felt like it wasn’t going to work. No one was determined in helping her learn, they never have been. She’d always gotten very poor, passing grades because she assumed teachers felt bad for her or knew her siblings and assumed maybe she was just the rebellious one. “Sometimes I feel like I do better on the essays, cause I feel like I get it... but I end up getting better grades on the tests than the essays and it’s... disheartening.” She explained with a small frown, “cause I guess on the tests a lot of the time.”

He furrowed his brows, listening to what Y/N had to say. It made sense if she had dyslexia that she would be frustrated and upset with learning altogether but it was important to her and him as well, that she was able to do what she was meant to do. Whatever it was she had wanted. 

“I think you should outline your essays more. Each body paragraph, with reasoning and thought. Come up with 4 to 6 reasons for each, word them how it makes sense to you, and write it that way. The structure taught isn’t the only way to do it.” He explained. Writing down on a piece of notebook paper an example of how she could do it. “I know it must be very frustrating— especially if it’s been years that you’ve had to deal with this. I understand. But I do have faith that you’re able to do this. You are intelligent, Y/N. You just have to figure out the right way to show it.”

Y/N let out a sigh, swallowing thickly as he gave her some advice on how to structure her essays in a way that would make more sense. She would try her best, especially with knowing that he was going to be grading things knowing what her situation was. Y/N was going to try her best to sound smart or collected, but she will admit she hadn’t been paying attention for years. 

She pulled out a folder of her English work, pulled out the notes she had taken and the lay out for her essays and bit the inside of her lip. Y/N handed it to him and immediately went to pay with her own fingers. Observing him as he looked through what she had done previously. 

“I—I try my best, I really do.. but anytime I get the courage to try it just gets worse and I go back to not trying at all because at least then I know I’m failing cause I’m doing it on purpose and not cause I’m stupid.” Y/N was trying to share her feelings to try and make him understand. “‘s really intimidating being in class with people who pick up information easily and I end up just tuning out cause it’s too fast for me to follow... and I don’t want to be that one girl that holds up the whole class with a stupid question.”

“You aren’t. If you have a question that you aren’t comfortable asking in front of everyone, you are always welcome to email me or come to my office at any time I’m here.” Harry promised. Poor girl. Jesus, what happened to her to make her self esteem like this? “You are very capable. Very much a smart girl. You need to tap into different areas of your brain. I promise, we can get your grade up together, alright?” He felt softness and fondness because he knew that sometimes professors weren’t the most understanding. Granted, he was only like this towards students that came for help— and oddly, even more so towards her, but still. “You don’t have to stop trying. You just need a different approach and we can help you find the right one. Do you like movies?” He suddenly remembered that. At her confused look, he continued. “Movies are scripts. Books. Visual. Do you find it easy to follow along with movies?”

She found it hard to believe him because no one really called her smart, ever. Y/N gave him a small smile and nodded her head, pushing pieces of hair away from her face before nodding and realizing she reversed the work she’d just done. He was a very nice man, it was clear that he was committed to helping her and it was definitely appreciated. She just didn’t know why he believed in her so much when no one else did? 

“Well yeah... I can follow conversation and stuff.” Y/N let out a small chuckle, sniffling a bit before she continued. “I think another problem is I get too confused about things like.. the deeper meaning stuff in books. Like the themes and whatever you call it. Cause in my head I know what I think it means but then it’s meant to mean something else and then I think I just didn’t understand correctly.” Y/N was definitely more of a creative. She didn’t like following set rules, she liked going with the flow and following her own thing. It worked when it came to her music, she was able to focus then. But she taught herself guitar.

“I think that you need to first take the book at face value. Don’t look for the hidden meanings the first time you read because it will confuse you more.” Harry cleared his throat. She smelled really good. Like peaches and citrus. He wondered if her bed smelled like that, but stronger. 

“Tell me some things you like.” He leaned back into the seat. “Things you think we can connect to projects. You said you’re in a band? Have a band?” He remembered that from last time. At her nod he continued. “You can find a song or make a playlist of songs that connect your head to the book. Say... Romeo and Juliet. Hmm.. check yes Juliet, We The Kings. If you’ve heard of that. You can find songs that help you remember.”

“Yeah, I’m in a band.” Y/N nodded her head a bit at him, “it’s like a indie punk thing...” She wasn’t sure what kind of music he listened to but he seemed young enough to think that indie music was good. Who knows, maybe he was one of those jazz guys with all the sweaters he wears. Y/N wasn’t one to judge though. The check yes Juliet reference made her chuckle, remembering middle school and highschool momentarily. He couldn’t be that much older then. “Yeah, I know that song.” She giggled and shook her head, “but yeah, I understand.” She spoke and took note of that in her mind. Y/N didn’t know how she was meant to explain to him that she spent the rest of her free time doing drugs. Tripping and writing music, hanging out with her kitty. That’s about it. Skating, going out in nature. Fucking. She definitely was a bit of a nympho. She assumed it was because of her need for attention.

“Okay. That’s good then. Use that to try and correlate.” He had felt weird watching her leave the room, seemingly in a better mood than she had been before but still nervous. It didn’t help that he hadn’t gotten laid and didn’t really want to have sex with someone else right now. God, if only he could spread her open and dip his cock into her soft cunt. That’s something he was dreaming of. 

He thought about it the next night too. So, with his bored and needy thoughts, he went home and did his chores he needed to do, before he went to lay in his bed with his laptop. To be honest. Most porn didn’t do it for him. He much preferred erotic writing or even more so, cam girls. Sex workers deserved support and he always tipped well, though rarely talking in any of them. He was scrolling down the alternative tab when he found what he was looking for. Tattoos and plump lips, tits for a profile photo and a tongue sticking out. Interesting— and she was live. 

He just never expected the exact woman in his head to be placed on the screen, smoke coming from her mouth. 

Fuck.

Y/N wasn’t exactly sure how she thought about starting camming but it all sort of just fell into place. She started off just selling her nudes and videos for attention and money but then she realized that people would pay really good money to watch live stuff. It’s a good thing too because Y/N loved being watched. Her cams were usually regularly scheduled, but other times they were spontaneous because she was really horny. bbybunnie was her username, most people just called her pet names though, never by her actual name for obvious security reasons. She had quite the following too. People seemed to love her content. She was fun and bubbly and she felt like she put in a great show both literally and physically. Y/N had just done a bong rip, having her windows open to let the smoke out. She didn’t like smoking around Jinx so she’d let her in once she was properly stoned. She was dressed in a black crop top that said princess on it in gothic font, fishnets, and little black panties. 

“Been really stressed lately with college and stuff...” Y/N answered a previous question as to what she’d been up to. “Working on assignments in stuff but it gets hard.” She pouted, turning her head when she heard Jinx scratching at the door. “One second.” She giggled and went to grab Jinx, leaving the door open so she could roam. “Here she is, say hi to everyone.” Y/N cooed in a baby voice. It was quite the sight. An alternative girl all soft with her cat, just starting the broadcast. Her vibrator was clearly in frame, already plugged in. A subscriber bought a heavy duty one for her.

And Harry should have clicked off. Right away, he should have exited the screen and said ‘gotta go’ because this was his student. His student he tutored and had fucking come on here to jerk off to a look alike. But he couldn’t. Not finally getting a look at her body. Soft and curved and delicious. Her tits strained the tank top and little tiny panties, some fishnets. Jesus fucking Christ. He let out an audible moan as he watched her sit back on the bed, talking back and forth with some of the comments.

He wasn’t sure what made him comment. 

DaddyH: you look beautiful. I love the fishnets.

She did. And he loved them. A lot of the comments were dirtier but not to the point he could see it turning a woman on. He didn’t get an associates in sexology for nothing.

Y/N was pretty good with responding to comments, they were paying after all, but a lot of them were much nicer than most would think. Her community was used to her streams taking a bit to get going because she liked to get super horny, so once she was properly high she usually talked with her comments about things she’s been fantasizing about and what they’d like to see her do. 

DaddyH. He was new. 

“Hi daddyh, thank you! You’re new aren’t you?” Y/N said with an excited smile, she liked newcomers. It meant someone was interested in her. “Well we’ve got a special show on our hands then.” Her viewers loved when new people came because the shows were always better. She was visibly hornier. She shifted a little bit so she was leaning farther back on her pillows, bringing her legs up and out so she was spreading like a little butterfly. Of course the panties kept things covered but not much. Y/N pulled them up so they were tight on her, “Gotta get me real wet first, yeah?” She hummed, “love knowing you’re watching me... love when you tell me what you like...” It was strategic to talk dirty as if she was talking to one specific person.

Fuck shit motherfucker. Fuck. 

Harry didn’t even see her pussy fully yet and he was nearly drooling. What the fuck had he done in what past life to get this type of luck? He wasn’t sure but he did know that whatever he did, he was thankful. He got a good look at her, her lusty eyes. He was a dirty talker. He loved to sex— fuck the English teacher in him. He loved making women a mess of whines and slick and speaking their darkest fantasies into their ears as the writhe underneath him. Y/N would be a fun one to play with. For sure. 

DaddyH: you could play over the panties. They’re cute.

He had a thing for panties and fishnets, and she was going right to his kinks.

“But that’s no fun.” Y/N pouted at the comment, wiggling her panties a little bit so she could rub against her clit some. She let out a tiny moan and hummed, letting her hands move up her body to squeeze her tits through her shirt. She was properly eye fucking the camera too, teasing as she started to pull up her shirt. “I’m frustrated, daddy...” Usually she waited till she got a certain number of tips before she took her clothes off, but she was only a few dollars away so she pulled off her shirt revealing that she wasn’t wearing a bra. The tightness of the tank top kept them up, but these men seemed to love natural tits. Her hand slipped down to start rubbing over her clit over top her panties, letting out little breathy moans of pleasure. “Really want to be fucked...” She explained, “Wanna be full...” Y/N pouted and quickened her pace. 

“Bent over a desk.”

Harry had a big oak desk he could bend her over and absolutely destroy her. If that’s something she would want. Harry would wreck her. His hand palmed Over his cock as he took her in and looked at her tits. He was an everything man but tits? He could happily suck on hers for an hour and make marks all over, just to listen to her mewl and feel her on his tongue. He squeezed over his sweatpants, feeling himself heat up as he watched her. She was topless, his student. His student was topless and rubbing her clit over tiny little panties, giving a pout and looking at the camera too fucking similar to the way she looked at him in his office today. And while his rational mind knew he wouldn’t be able to look at her the same— he would want to fuck her even more than he had— he couldn’t stop watching.

It was clear that Y/N’s interactions with Harry had spilt over into her mind while she was getting into it. It was that intense stare that he had, his ringed hands, of course there was also the tone of his voice. How he asked her to look at him that one time. She could only imagine him asking her much rougher and in a deeper voice. 

“Daddy...” She whimpered out, teasing her own self over her panties as she read over the comments. Y/N giggled are some, loving he praise if men calling her cute and telling her she was pretty and her moans were turning them on. She went and took off her panties cause she really couldn’t take it anymore, revealing her fishnet covered cunt. “Want a better view, hmm?” Y/N smirked, moving to rip them right over the crotch so everyone could see. “I’m so fuck wet for you... look..” She said all excited, pulling her fingers back to show the strings of wetness on her fingers.

Harry was in heaven. Truly. Or hell, because he wasn’t able to be the one ripping the fishnets up and fucking her in them. Her thighs looked soft and delicate and probably so easily bruised. He could do some incredible work down there. 

DaddyH: Lick it clean, sweetheart. I know it’s sweet.

There was no way she wasn’t so sweet that his teeth would fill with cavities. No way. He wanted her taste all over his tongue. He was a very giving dom, very much eager to make his lovers cum again and again and again so long as they complied with his soft rules. It wasn’t difficult.

Y/N’s stomach filled with warmth as she read over the comment, bringing her fingers to her mouth and sucking on them properly as if they were a cock. She was starting to like the Daddyh character. He was so sweet and polite in his choice of words, paid well. What was there not to like? She removed her fingers from her mouth giggling a little bit as she decided to show off some more. Y/N pushed the laptop back a bit, turning so they could see her ass and how she arched her back for them relieving that she’d had a butt plug in the whole time. Sleek and black with a little gem at the end. A lot of the things she had were gifts from subscribers. She had an Amazon wishlist specifically set up for them as well as a regular P.O. Box that then routed to her home. She had tons of back up fishnets, some used ones she sold online as well. Lots of other things. She quite enjoyed it.

When did she put that in? Harry needed to know. Was she wearing that when she was sat on his fucking couch? He would surely lose his goddamn mind if that was the case. 

He tipped her $50, asking the question he needed the answer to. 

DaddyH: Have you been wearing that all day, pretty girl?

The idea of her squirming in class occurred to him. And then the idea of a little vibrator inside of her that he had the remote to, pressing it on to see her reactions. He would buy her one, fuck. He would buy this girl anything if it meant getting to see her squirm and hear her beg him to let her cum.

Y/N wiggled her bum a bit, turning on her back again with a hum. “I’ve been wearing it all day...” She nodded, reaching over for her vibrator because she really couldn’t wait anymore. Everyone who streamed her knew she was impatient, sometimes if they paid a good amount she’d wait and tease herself first but she was needy today. She just kept thinking about professor Styles. “‘m so needy... been so horny lately, might be on for a while.” Y/N blushed, “or I’ll film some special requests on my onlyfans...” She smirked because she knew she would get lots of money for men begging her to stay but loads for custom content too. Y/N turned the vibrator on it’s lowest setting, starting to move it down on to her cunt where she let out a pleaser sigh. “I wanna cum so bad... just wanna cum.” She pleaded, reading to see what everyone was saying. Y/N turned it up a few notches, letting out a content sigh as she moved it over a specific spot. The feeling was indescribable and the noises that left her just showed how relieved she was.

Harry nearly fell over. Her ass was stuffed when she sat on his couch— and it wasn’t from his cock. Harry particularly loved anal, it was a very hot thing to him and the fact she hadn’t been warming his cock like that was near criminal. Truly. 

“Sweet Jesus.” He breathed, finally taking himself out of his pants. Spitting thick on to the head, he spread it over his cock and waited for her to continue. She had an onlyfans? He would be subscribing and buying content. He didn’t give a fuck. He wanted it and it would be the best way to keep her close but far. He was watching how her legs trembled and her mouth fell open at the feeling, her body arching into the buzzing of the vibrator. Oh, how he would hold it against her and finger her until she squirted all over the bed and make her clean it up with her tongue. He was a sexual man but kinky more than anything. The idea of it all... it was so hot and wrong and taboo and it was even better in his cock’s mind that she was a no go zone. Made it hotter. 

DaddyH: you’ve got such a pretty pussy. How many times can you cum?

Y/N read his comment and let out a whine, turning up the vibrator a few settings higher once again so she could get even closer to her brink of orgasm. “Let’s find out.” She breathed out and continued to crank up the settings. The closer she got the more she thrashed and bucked her hips both up and away from the vibrator. She was very enjoyable to watch she’s been told, specifically because she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut and that she was willing to take a lot. Y/N must have sat there for a few hours just making herself cum over and over again, both with the vibrator and the dildo she had. Once she was all fucked out, 5 orgasms deep, she just laid there and watched the comments roll in. She giggled at a few, breathing heavily as she slowly walked herself down from the blissful headspace she was in. “Thank you, I’m feeling so much better...” Y/N cooed, giving them a smile. “Have a good day or night!” And with that she’d logged off, happy that she had made a new regular.

-------------------------------------------

[part 2]

A/N: bet you weren’t expecting that huh? 😈 and yes!! punk!y/n - n + d

let us know what you think!

masterlist

[chaotically-cas]

29 Things I Think Allistic People Need To Hear

From an autistic person

Not my usual content but I felt it needed to be said.

Saying “everyone is a little autistic” is really hurtful. Yes, everyone has their struggles but these struggles are far different for autistic people. Saying everyone experiences it is invalidating & harmful.

Being graded on eye contact & standing still is wrong. I’m pretty sure at one point or another we’ve had a project we were graded on & one of the grades was eye contact & not fidgeting. These things are extremely hard for autistic people & they are practically second nature. It’s like holding in a sneeze.

Stim & figget toys in schools. Of course fidget spinner’s & stim cubes can be bought & should be bought by anyone. If you want one, get one. But the way schools are banning them is crazy. They are very necessary for autistic people & it’s so much harder for them when schools ban their use.

QUITTTTT BABYING US!! We aren’t ‘uwu babies’. We are humans. We are perfectly capable of functioning without allistic people’s pity & looking down on us. We are our own people that don’t need a hand to hold in every damn situation. We aren’t cute because of it. 

Listen to autistic people. Everyone is all for advocating for people until that group of people want to advocate for themselves. So shut up & listen once & maybe you can learn something you didn’t know.

Creative writing in class is difficult. You don’t know how many bad grades I’ve gotten on because I can’t think of a good story out of my ass. It’s extremely hard for autistic people. Please give us a prompt it’s more helpful than you know.

Role playing in class. I think we’ve all had to do something where we research a famous person & have to assume their identity. This is again, so hard for autistic people. It’s hard enough for us to be ourselves. Most of us can’t understand these actives enough.

Slurs. Quit saying retard. It’s not an insult. It’s not funny. It’s offensive & every time you use it you’re hurting a disabled person & spreading harmful stereotypes. It’s not just a word. It’s not just a bad word. It’s a slur. Same as the f word or any other slur. Don’t use it.

People talking over us. No I dont mean just in conversations. Although that is another issue. I mean organizations like autism speaks that put words into autistic peoples mouths instead of letting them speak for themselves.

Stop making fun of our special interests. Whether you find anime cringey or think an adult loving Aladdin is childish just stop it. These things being extreme joy to us. They make us happy in a word that we don’t understand. So just leave us alone & let us be happy.

Don’t stare at us if we’re stimming. Especially in public. If you see me flapping my hands. Don’t stare. If you hear me humming quietly, don’t judge. These activities aren’t for your viewing pleasure. They’re for autistic people to regulate & express how they’re feeling.

Normalizing ableism. It’s so normalized. Whether it’s phrased like “suffers from autism” or how regularly ‘retard’ is used in classe; ableism is so often over looked especially by adults. There are no many micro aggressions they are just passed off as us not having a thick enough skin. When in reality it’s really damaging.

People first language. If you ever correct someone by saying “no, they’re a PERSON with autism. Not an autistic person”. Literally shut up. We’re autistic. We’re people. Being autistic doesn’t make us any less human so you don’t need to make it seem like it does. We’re still human no matter our disably. People don’t have to be reminded of this.

Using words like psychopath & sociopath. Calling autistic people these things just because you don’t understand us is disgusting. If you don’t understand these terms don’t use them. Just because we aren’t good at showing empathy in some cases doesn’t make us ‘psychopaths’.

Tone indicators. This is both the over use & not using them that’s an issue. Saying things like “/j /hj /sarcasm /srs /lh” all in one post defeats the whole damn purpose of them. & not using any at all especially when joking around or using sarcasm can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. It’s not that hard to use one or two at the end of a post. /srs

Picky eating. Literally stop making fun of autistic people for not liking a lot of foods or ordering the same thing at every restaurant. A lot of textures & flavors are very bothersome to autistic people. They can cause overstimulation or even panic. Just let us be. So I eat mac & cheese 4 times a week. I didn’t know it effected you so much.

“Ugh you’re so annoying you can’t ever get a joke”. No hearing that is what’s annoying. Tones are hard for us to understand so while most people pick up on it autistic people are more likely to read too much into it or take it seriously. It’s simple to use tone indicators in text or even to say “I’m joking”. It won’t make your joke less funny. It’ll just help us understand more.

Be specific if you want things from us. Don’t just say “hey I need a pencil”. Or “the dishwasher needs put away”. Most likely we’ll just be like, yeah, ok, and? Be specific please. Say things like “can I borrow a pencil?” or “can you undo the dishwasher?”.

Faces seeming to look weird. A lot of us having facial stims that can alter our faces. Whether it’s excessive blinking, eyebrow raising, or face scrunches. Don’t ask us what’s wrong with our face or what we are doing. For me, because of my facial stims & tics my eyes/eyebrows are permanently uneven. Don’t bring it up.

Classroom behavior charts are horrible. Autistic people don’t behave the same as allistic people. Simple as that. What they see as ok behavior, others don’t. & some times they don’t realize these behaviors will get them in trouble.

Police brutality. Especially in black or brown autistic people. It’s so common that people call the police on autistic people stimming in public because they are seen as dangerous. & when these autistic people can’t understand what’s going on or can’t make eye contact they are labeled as more suspicious. Especially black autistic people. Just look at Elijah McLean.

Feeling dumb. Especially in schools or other scholarly conversations. Some autistic people aren’t able to keep up or fully understand everything that’s being said or presented. Which leads to us feeling dumb. Give us time to process or aso questions please.

Feeling robotic. You’ve most likely heard autistic people being compared to robots at one point or another. Whether that’s for the impaired ability to establish empathy or something else it’s an extremely negative & hurtful stereotype. Especially in media.

Saying ‘I forgot’ is a valid excuse. There is so much going on in our heads. So much to process & remember. We forget things. Everyone forgets things. Especially autistic people. Please don’t yell at us for always forgetting to do the dishes. It’s not like we chose to forget.

The harmful effects of the vaccines cause autism jokes. Aside from the whole anti vaxers debate, perpetually the idea that we shouldn’t be vaccinated because it causes autism is disgusting. It’s treating autism like a disease. Like the person who has it isn’t worthy. Or that autism is so chronic it will ruin everything. It’s like people avoiding cheese burgers because it’s rumored they make you ginger. It’s preposterous. 

Yelling at autistic people for struggling to want to learn new concepts/concepts at all. This not only goes for in school but in just normal conversation. It’s hard for autistic people to grasp things they don’t have an interest in learning. So please don’t yell at us for not understanding everything about a band that we don’t care about, we would if we could. It might not seem like a big issue but it happens more than you’d think.

Intrusive thoughts. (Tw: rape mention & violence) Most of the time autistic people experience extreme spells of intrusive thoughts “omg he’s going to rape you image him raping you” or “stab yourself in the side right now” or much worse. & when autistic (and other) people try to talk about it they are labeled crazy or insane. It’s a normal occurrence to have these kinds of thoughts. We don’t want to. But they happen. That’s why they’re called intrusive.

Executive disfunction. This is basically when autistic people are views as lazy but we physically & mentally just can’t. Where tasks as seemingly simple as going to get a glass of water feels like a mountain to autistic people. It’s not that we are lazy. We physically & mentally can’t work up to it.

Class rank & graduation requirements are unfair. Autistic people socialize differently. It’s just a fact. Our brains work differently in classes & outside of it. We could be working our asses off to understand our English class book, but we get an F. Not to mention how most schools require community service hours to graduate. Yes community service is good but it can be very hard for autistic people.

Please feel free to add on but a lot of these are drawn from personal frustrations. Please listen to autistic & other disabled people more. All these also applies to those with ADHD/ADD or any other mental illness where the situations apply. You’re all valid & amazing.

I love you all. 💕

[summahsunlight]

Perhaps It’s Fate, Part 18

Rating: T, to be safe

Word Count: 2031

Summary: After joining the Resistance as a mechanic, you were happy to keep to yourself, until a little orange and white bb unit and his master wander into your workshop one day.

Pairings: Poe Dameron x Mechanic!Reader

Taglist: @ms-dont-care​, @starless-eyes-remain​, @elmoakepoke​, @marvelobsessiononastick​, @kiaralein​, @softly-sad​, @totalpoedameron, @ordinarymom1​, @sevvysaurus​, @spider-starry​, @liadamerondjarin​, @jingyuhearteu​, @dream-alittlebiggerdarling​

It’s here! The next part! Hope you enjoy it. I didn’t get to proof read this too much before posting, I’m too excited for you to be able to read it!🥰 Remember if you want to be added to the taglist, just let me know!

Finn left you in the med bay with the medics and promised to go find Poe. You were concerned that he hadn’t showed up to hover over you and make sure that the medics were taking good care of you. Finn figured that Poe was busy, after all the Raddus was now attempting to outrun the First Order fleet--he was surprised to find Poe tucked away in an abandoned part of the ship. 

Poe’s head was cast downward, his shoulders slumped, with his face buried his hands. BB-8 was sitting by his side, every once and while beeping sounds of what Finn interpreted as comfort. “Poe?”

When the commander looked up at him, Finn was taken aback by his appearance. There was a dull looking in his brown eyes, he’d obviously been crying and he just looked--defeated. “Hey, you’re awake. How... how are you feeling?”

“It’s sore... but I supposed it could have been worse,” Finn replied.

“I dunno, buddy; you’re trapped on a ship being pursued by the First Order,” Poe said, tightly. “Seems like it is worse; we’d probably all be better off dead anyways. at this point.”

BB-8 moaned, sadly, his photoreceptor looking over at Finn. 

Finn stood there, dumbstruck. It was like the fire and passion had been sucked right out of Poe. “Are you okay, Poe?”

Poe chuckled, angrily. “No. I took that dreadnaught out to protect us, to save the people on this ship--and it didn’t matter. The First Order managed to track us, they killed my friends.” He sucked in a large breath, trying to stifle a sob, “they killed her. I just wanted to keep her safe... keep her away from anymore pain they could inflict upon her. I failed her.”

It took Finn a few seconds to realize that Poe was talking about you. No wonder he hadn’t come by the med bay to find you--he thought you had been in the hanger--he thought you were dead. “Poe-”

“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault. I’ve heard that enough already.”

“But Poe...”

“Finn, I know you think you’re helping...” “Dameron! Shut up for a second! She’s fine.”

BB-8 rolled back and forth in excitement, wildly twilling and beeping at Poe--who sat there looking at Finn with wide, shocked eyes. “But she was working in the hanger--the First Order blew the hanger up.”

Finn shook his head. “She wasn’t in the hanger. They couldn’t find you when I woke up, so they called her. She came to see me. We were going back to the hanger when the ship was hit. Poe--she’s in the med bay wondering where the hell you are.”

Poe scrambled to his feet, wiping at the tears in his eyes. “I didn’t... I didn’t know--I thought she was dead, Finn. I thought I had lost her.”

“She’s a little banged up, but she’ll live.”

“Banged up?”

“Yeah, she hit her head--but like I said--she’s fine, Poe.”

BB-8 nudged Poe in the legs. He couldn’t figure out why the pilot was still standing there--the little droid wanted to go see you. He had been sad just like Poe when he thought you had died. 

Poe suddenly snapped back to life, pushing passed Finn and heading towards the med bay with both BB-8 and Finn trailing behind him. You were alive; you were alive and suddenly the galaxy was aligned again--suddenly Poe realized the dire situation they were in.  If they didn’t figure out a plan soon, they were all going to be dead in just a few hours. 

Heart racing, he burst into the med bay, startling the medics and calling for you. Poe could worry about the Resistance in a minute--he just needed to see you first, needed to see you with his own eyes. When he came around a corner and saw you, sitting on a cot, asleep, his heart leapt into his throat. 

Gently he went to cup your neck and ease you into a comfortable sleeping position. The movement stirred you and you looked at him, sleepily with a smile. “There you are. I thought you forgot about me,” you teased him. 

“Never,” Poe sighed, tears springing to his eyes. “I could never forget.”

“Poe?” you questioned, seeing the tears. “What’s wrong?”

His arms were around you, drawing you towards him and holding onto you tightly. “I thought I lost you,” Poe cried, “I thought you were in the hanger when it was blown up and...my world crumbled, Y/N. There was nothing left for me to fight for, to care about--I love you.”

You pressed your face into his neck and let him hold you, your heart breaking at the grief he must have endured for the last couple of hours. If only you had known... you would have sent Finn to find Poe much sooner. 

BB-8 rolled into your room then, happy to see you. Looking down at him over Poe’s shoulder, you smiled. 

Poe pulled back, taking your face between his hands. He inspected the cut on your head, that the medics had done a nice job stitching up, and then he kissed you, tenderly. “Don’t scare me like that again, sweetheart.” 

“I’ll try not too.”

“Guess I know how it feels to be you now--whenever I leave.”

“Sucks, doesn’t it?”

He stroked his thumbs over your cheeks. “Yeah... a lot.”

You smiled, lovingly. “I’ll try not to scare you again.”

Poe pulled you into his arms once again, burying his face into your hair and taking a deep breath. He knew he loved you, he just never knew how much until he thought he’d lost you. The cool metal of his mother’s ring pressed against his chest while he pressed you against him. He was going to give it to you, when this whole thing was over--when they had found away to get to the new base safely. 

Finn cleared his throat; BB-8 beeped, reminding you that you were not alone. Softly pressing a kiss to your forehead, Poe pulled away from you. 

“General Organa is looking for you,” Finn announced. 

“Are you going to be okay, sweetheart?” Poe asked you.

“I’ll be fine,” you insisted. “It’s just a bump on the head.”

“Hey, Bee, stay with her okay?”

“Poe...”

“I’ll check in on you later.”

Finn smiled at you, awkwardly, and then leaving BB-8 behind to watch over you, he followed after Poe. Once they were out of the med bay and on their way to the bridge, he spoke. “You said that the First Order tracked us?”

Poe nodded. “Yeah... some kind of light speed tracker. When...when I left the bridge before you found me... one of our top mechanics was working on finding a way to disable it. But first, we need to get access codes and a shuttle to get on to the Supremacy.” 

His eyes went wide. “Supreme Leader Snoke’s ship?” Finn sputtered. This was very, very serious if Snoke had shown up. 

The pilot grimly nodded. “Yep. We learned that the tracker is generating from that ship, it’s only tracking the Raddus, which means the rest of the fleet made it to the next base safely. But we can’t jump to light speed and join them without the First Order following us.”

“Can you warn them?”

“Leia’s nervous that a transmission to them might be traced as well--I don’t blame her.”

“So... what’s the plan?”

“Once we know how to disable the tracker, we’re sneaking onboard that ship.”

Finn stopped walking. “You’re insane!”

Poe turned on his heel. “My dad jokes that’s my middle name.”

Shaking his head, Finn sighed, “Do you know what will happen to any of you if you sneak onboard that ship? Poe, you’d be executed. It would probably be broadcast for public display to scare the reset of the galaxy into submission.”

Placing his hands on his hips, Poe set his jaw. “I know that, Finn. It’s a risk I’m willing to take--it’s a risk a lot of us are willing to take. We might be the galaxy’s last hope at freedom, at restoring the Republic. There are a lot of lives depending on us.” He saw the fear flash in Finn’s eyes and dropped his hands. “Listen, I understand why you’re nervous. They took your identify from you--your life from you--but you’re here with us now, where you belong.”

-----

You wanted to get up; BB-8 ratted you out every time and the medics made you stay in bed. You were seriously cursing Poe for having his droid stay by your side while he went to speak to Leia. “BeeBee, I’m fine. Please, I need to get out of here. I’m bored.”

BB-8 firmly blurted no. You wondered if the little droid had ever said no to Poe a day in his life. You hated to just sit idly around--BB-8 probably knew that better than anyone. Of course, there wasn���t like there was much for you to do around the ship. The hanger was gone--all those people were gone. You feel the panic begin to bubble up inside of you as that familiar feeling of survivor’s guilt washed over you. 

Slamming your eyes shut you did the breathing exercises that Poe had taught you for when he was away on missions. Deep breath in, count to ten, deep breath out. Repeat. You did this several times before you finally felt some what calm. When you opened your eyes, you saw that BB-8 was still standing loyally by you, watching you closely. “Okay, since you’re insisting on staying here--why not tell me a story, Bee?”

“No time for stories, Bee,” Poe said, sweeping into your room. 

“What’s going on?” you asked, noticing that Finn wasn’t with him.

“We figured out how to disable that tracker.”

“Tracker?”

Poe recalled that you had not been present when he told Finn about the First Order tracking the ship at light speed. “Somehow, General Hux is tracking us even through light speed.”

You nodded. “Yeah, they can easily install one through a spy I’m sure--disabling them is the hard part--usually they’re heavily encrypted and can only be disabled from the Supreme Leader’s ship. The codes are incredibly difficult to decipher--when the First Order took over my planet I was forced to work on creating those codes.”

He smiled at you, his eyes filling with affection. “I told Leia you were the one.”

Confused, you looked at BB-8. “The one for what?”

“Our codebreaker.”

“Me? You want me to be the codebreaker?”

“Yes. Leia’s contacting Maz Kanata now--to see if she knows someone that can get us on the Supreme Leader’s ship.”

BB-8 whistled, lowly. You swallowed--you’d never left the safety of the base before getting on the Raddus, now Poe was asking you to go on a mission.

Poe saw the anxiety that ran through your eyes. He sat down on the cot with you and took your chin in his hand, forcing you to look at him. “Y/N, I trust you with my life--you can do this. And I’ll be right there. I won’t let them hurt you. I promise.”

Leaning into his touch, you closed your eyes. You had no doubt that Poe would protect you--with his life if he had too--but that didn’t make you any less terrified of the potential of sneaking on board the Supreme Leader’s ship to disable that tracker. And if you couldn’t disable it? The people on the Raddus were doomed. 

You felt Poe’s lips brush against your temple. “Darling, you can do this. I know you can. You’re braver than you give yourself credit for, you know that?”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do; you fled the First Order with nothing but the clothes on your back to join the Resistance. That takes guts, sweetheart.”

“This is our only chance, right?”

“We have a back-up plan, but yes, this could be our only chance.”

Opening your eyes, you set your jaw. “Then I’ll do it, Poe. I’ll crack that code to save the Raddus.”

[hansols-yoda-boxers]

Thoughts

Below the cut is just some thoughts about recent events with my disability. And thus TW talk of disability and ableism

I’m gonna put everything under the cut so it stays out of the way and the post doesn’t get long which is so ironic y’all do not even know and just get some thoughts out. I don’t expect anyone to read this. You can of course read if you like but it’s random and off topic to most of what I post here lmao it ain’t smut just me expressing feelings on complicated things.

I had a not great day with my friend and it had me thinking about being disabled. Because it’s hard. And its hard on everyone around you and it makes working and living and doing things hard.

From what I know from myself and from some other stories I’ve heard it can be inconsistent as well. Mental illness does this too. It might affect you more one day than others. Multiple triggers or situations can make it worse than a singular one. You can’t always predict what will happen and what will make you suddenly feel way worse.

It’s scary to have a disability. It’s scary to have an invisible disability. It’s a lot of work to do what is easy for others and it makes you feel lesser. You want to just be able to do those things too of you feel like you should. Sometimes people get mad at you when you can’t. Sometimes people infantilise you and treat you like you can’t do things that you can or don’t let you attempt things on your own.

I find that people are really nice. Like most kind, well meaning people when you tell them about your disability they’re really nice. They want to be helpful. They’re sympathetic and caring and listen when you tell them what might be helpful and are understanding when you tell them that you might not know everything yet or it might be unpredictable.

But if you’re able bodied and you’re reading this, please understand that it is hard. It’s very easy to be kind and tell them you care. It’s hard to be there for a medical emergency. It’s hard to have to handle it or watch it. It’s hard to know that sometimes there is nothing you can do or very little you can do other then be there and be supportive.

But it is also so easy to make a person feel like a burden. I bet we’ve all felt that at times and it sucks. Your words are important. How you react is important. When you talk about something they can’t control and tell you how it made you upset and you don’t like it or it ruined the day or is stressing you out you put your feelings on them and you ask them to control something uncontrollable. You make them into a burden for having a disability. And that’s kinda ableist.

I’m finding that it’s really really easy for people to be supportive when I tell them at first but as soon as it affects them negatively they start to turn on me. They tell me about how much this affects them, how much it upsets them, how much it stresses them out, and how much I need to fix it, not for myself but to make them more comfortable because me being disabled is difficult for them.

And these are good people. Like the people saying these things aren’t assholes at all. They are otherwise lovely people who get frustrated because the reality of a disability is it’s hard. They want to be supportive but they underestimate what having a disabled person in their life means and when they do experience that stress they lament the fact that I have a problem that is hard for them. They never acknowledge or ask about my feelings. They never apologize. They state their feelings without realizing that they’re devaluing me as a person because I’m not as able as they would like me to be.

If you read this far you are very cool and I wish I could give you a sticker. If you are disabled, if you have chronic illness, if you have mental illness, you’re not a burden. You’re wonderful and valuable. Your worth does not lie in the functioning of your body or your brain. Your worth is inherent because you are a person and you are you and that alone makes you worthy of respect and dignity and anyone who tells you otherwise is being an asshole. If you’re able bodied (but also disabled because we can do this to each other) be careful of your words. Know your limits and if you can’t handle some situations or giving care then learn that about yourself. But when you express that a certain situation may be out of your capacity please use self focused language (”I can’t help you deal with this because...” NOT “Your disability makes me feel x and you need to fix it”) and express your own feelings without invalidating the other person. If you do invalidate them apologize and look back at your words, apologize if you word things really poorly. Do you best and listen to your friends needs and most of all be kind and willing to learn and change and grow.

[anxietysroomsupport]

my sister's been sick. she has crps in her hand, and recently her head started hurting a lot and she keeps falling. after the second all day doctor visit, their best guess is that her crps migrated/spread to her head, and her brain's reaction to the pain is to hide. on the floor. by falling to the floor. so now i just keep going between feeling so bad for her because she's a senior this year and she's so close to independence but now whenever (1/?)

(2/?) she wants to move she has to wait for someone or ask someone to help her in case she falls. and she's in so much pain and i just want her to be okay. but my other feeling, is that earlier i was listening to music, and i heard my name, so i asked they were talking about (my sister had already looked upset from what i saw of the conversation) and something about cleaning our room up, they said "you'd have to move to the top bunk if she got a wheelchair". (2/?)

(3/?) like. if she got a wheelchair?? if she can't live independently because this never stops?? because what if it doesn't? what if it wasn't a side affect of the medicine? i'd have to get rid of the normalcy of my room, i'd have to see my sister in a wheelchair for pretty much till whenever this stops, if it does, i'd have to change bunks even though every time i've slept on the top bunk i fall off and injure myself. i'm so so so tired and i'm in so much pain too (3/?)

(4/?) but i can't put any more stress on anyone. i can't even help her, keep her standing up, because i can barely keep myself standing up. i'm just a kid. i'm just a kid. i'm so so tired and i'm too emotional and i can't help feeling so selfish even though i know that it's okay to be hurting too because this is jarring and this is scary but i can't afford to do it right now and i can't take anymore change and i'm so so so tired (4/?)

(5/?) and i'm so so worried and i just want everything to be okay again. but it's not, and if it wasn't a reaction to the medicine that helped her use her feet again, then it never will be okay again. and it's only a month before the anniversary of quarantine, less than that i think so i'm already emotional and i watched a production of my show that we didn't get to perform in person and i'm in so much pain and nothing is certain anymore and it's too too much change (5/?)

(6/?) and i've been crying nearly this entire time but i need to wash my makeup off anyways but i'm too tired and i just don't want anyone to find me. it feels like everything is dying and i know i'm just emotional right now i'm so stupid but that's how it feels it's all just hopeless and i don't want to deal with it anymore please i'm so fragile now i'm breaking apart and i shouldn't be because she's suffering so much i'm shoving myself further into the breakdown i have to stop (6/7)

(7/7) there's still good things there's still good things. they just seem so overshadowed. i'm so tired. i'm sorry i'm so dramatic, thank you for being here, and being willing to listen. to everyone, not just be. i've just had so much going on inside recently and i don't know what to do with it all. i have responsibilities though and i have to stick to them. this is enough wallowing. thank you again.

Hi Anon,

I am so sorry to hear your sister is struggling with CRPS and also that it’s hard for you and your family, too.  Conditions like that are so complex and difficult, because they can affect literally every aspect of your life, whether you’re the person who has it, or living with the person.  

You are just a kid and it’s not fair.  You’re being asked to make sacrifices, and will probably be asked for more in the future, that you shouldn’t have to do.  It’s okay that you can’t personally help her stand up, you can’t do anything about that fact.  

It’s also 100% understandable to still have selfish thoughts.  You’re allowed and encouraged to let yourself have whatever thoughts and feelings come to you.  You can feel that selfishness and recognize it.  Your feelings are useful information.  Because even though she’s struggling, so are you.  You can do things and make decisions that help her out more now, but don’t forget to address your own needs too, and stand up for yourself when you need accommodations.  

Try not to look so far into the unknown future.  There’s too much uncertainty and you really can’t control things so far away, like whether or not your sister will have to use a wheelchair for life.  Instead, focus on the month, week, or day just ahead.  It’s one step at a time.  You work on the things you can control and plan for, and just deal with the rest when it gets here.  Hard to practice, but it helps.

Quarantine and the pandemic have been a huge struggle.  A year+ is a long time for anything, but for something like a world-wide virus, it can feel unbearable.  But for as long as the virus has been going on, that means you’ve made fighting through it for just as much time, and you should be proud of that.  

It’s okay to breakdown sometimes.  This situation definitely warrants that.  There are still good things, but you don’t have to try to force yourself to look at the positive.  Sometimes it’s okay to just let yourself be upset, because the situation is legitimately upsetting.  

For practical advice, look at getting a railing of some kind attached to the top bunk so that you don’t have to worry about falling out.  You could also literally tie yourself in, like rock climbers sometimes do when they sleep overnight on a ledge.

If there are responsibilities you can step away from, even temporarily, it could be helpful for you to take the time to let yourself process things.  Throwing yourself full speed into work can get you through for a while, but at some point, take a break and let yourself rest.

There are CRPS support groups that can also be helpful, because it’s full of people who are going through the same things you are.  

The doctors are going to keep helping your sister and working with her to manage the pain and fainting.  And using a wheelchair isn’t as much of a struggle as it used to be.  For one, they’re a lot lighter weight now.  And services for disabled people continue to be expanded in more and more cities.  Here are some top rated places to live for people who use wheelchair some or all of the time.  And above all that, the Americans with Disabilities Act means that disable people have a lot more power than they used to, to get access to the same resources, jobs, and functionality that able-bodied people enjoy.  It’s not perfect by any means, but it’s getting better.

Nobody really lives completely independently; we all depend on each other for support at one point or another.  She going to be okay, and just as importantly, you’re going to be okay.  You will make it through this, and I’m so proud of how far you’ve already gotten.  

-bun

[hecohansen31]

The Perks Of Quarantine:

Modern! Ivar+Tinder Date! Reader

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

This is a ‘thank you’ fic for @youbloodymadgenius, who donated to my Ko-Fi.

I obviously understand that this is an hard time for everyone, so I just wanted to thank you everyon who has been donating something to help me continue my passion of writing.

Please don’t feel pressured in any way in buying me a ko-fi; it isn’t the only way to support a writer (you can always reblog, comment and let people know how much you liked their stuff).

Thank you for everyone who has been supporting me!

I truly apprecciate it!

And as always: feedback is food for our writers’ minds, so please don’t forget to leave your own feedback!

WARNINGS: Mention of Sex, Quarantine, Covid-19, Disability.

Hey guys!

Have you been wondering what our two favorite idiots have been doing in quarantine?

Well, now get ready to figure it out!

And let’s start from a few questions that might arise:

THE FIGHTS:

As you might know Ivar and Tinder Date (which we’ll call TD from now on, because it is easier) they have recently moved in together and two months after that… COVID-19 hit and they were forced to discover further their compatibility and problematics.

Which might have been a pretty difficult situation.

Living with people other than yourself is already hard… think with somebody who is your lover but yet you don’t know as well as your family, all incased in an almost apocalyptic world, where anxiety is at its maximum levels,

The situation certainly wasn’t the best.

But I think that Ivar and TD would try their best to handle it, mostly through setting up two different routines, in order not to be constantly in each other’s presence, alongside setting up ‘time outs’ moments for fights.

Any fight with Ivar has the promise of being explosive, but whereas previously TD had the possibility to avoid him through going to work or taking a breather outside, this is now denied.

So, they try to avoid any fight from getting too aggressive with ‘time outs’.

Basically if either of them is dealing badly with something and TD can see that they are coming to the breaking point, they push themselves away, removing them from the situation, either moving to another room or doing something to calm themselves, in order to break the outburst from growing too big and explosive, confronting the other when they both feel calmer.

It doesn’t always work, mostly during the first times, but they are both determined to make this work out and no matter what you won’t run out or give up easily.

BOREDOM:

They deal with boredom quite well, honestly.

It’d certainly help that they both work, probably remotely, even more for Ivar, who is actually used to it, because before the entire COVID-19 many times when the pain to his legs was pretty debilitating, he tended to work from home and not go in the office with the other brothers.

I do think that he’d also be pretty nice in helping TD settling in, although she would soon know better than to invade his own ‘private office’ (like not to annoy you, but I feel like he’d be the type to have a psychotic breakdown if she accidentally brushed his elbow against his).

But he’d try his best to be helpful.

I also think that he’d drown in his work to avoid boredom, and probably the most fun he’d have (other than you know… the kinky stuff) would be rewatching his favorite movie sagas, probably wrestling with TD which movie to watch each night, although she’d probably give up, because he is the cutest geek as he does the Dark Vather’s voice.

I personally think that TD would try her best to learn new skills (me before quarantine: ‘OH LOT OF TIME TO LEARN THINGS’, me right now ‘the only thing I learned is that I can’t respect good thoughts’) and involve a rather annoyed Ivar in them, which would undoubtedly result in him learning some obscure and cool skills (such as his magical tricks or fucking origami, he’d just be so happy and calm doing origami).

And he’d hate it when TD accidentally sat on his perfect swan.

As two rather active young people, they’d also do your best to properly exercise, even more Ivar since he kind of need physical therapy so he does some small exercises on videochat with his physical therapist, unless his legs hurt pretty badly and she has to come home to him.

He’d have the time of his life, instead, watching TD train.

All those flexes and squats… he very much gets distracted every time she set up her own training moment, hence he does his best to avoid having truly busy evenings when he knows you’ll train (also because, although TD might call him a pervert, they always do a different kind of ‘exercise’, before the shower, if this one isn’t shared).

INTIMACY:

Their sex drive hasn’t in the slightest accelerated.

(I mean not that it wasn’t pretty high already).

As much as they might have more time at hands together, they aren’t that free from things to do that they can spend the entire day in bed just learning the newest aerobic moves (you spend the entire morning in bed still) (… what can you do when Ivar rolls over with those pretty pleading eyes).

It certainly does help that they can both tease each other meanwhile, working next to each other.

Although it lowers their work efficiency and Hvitserk does have a few ideas on why Ivar sometimes fakes that his connection doesn’t work.

It certainly does help instead with the intimacy part, because Ivar tends to be quite more affectionate at home, because he feels more at ease, so it is something that certainly has grown, mostly in his own willingness to start it.

Like it isn’t unusual for TD to hug him from behind if he is checking some documents and doesn’t have the webcam on, but it is certainly unusual for him to just simply grab her hand over the table, and maybe play a bit with her fingers or hair or to try to convince her to cuddle, together during one pause from work..

It certainly does help with making the dork lovey-dovey.

GOING OUT:

Exiting the house for the basic necessity is actually the most common source of fights between them, mostly at the start of the entire quarantine.

TD prefers to avoid Ivar going out of home, not because she doubt his integrity and attentiveness about all the matter (he is a clean freak so you have nothing to worry) but you are more worried by the thought that he might end up breaking a bone and might need some help, something that not many people in this time of need and rush might not be able to give him.

And to Ivar this is slightly humiliating, because he is the man of the house and he shouldn’t be afraid of anything or show any kind of weakness.

He should protect you.

Alongside this, he is truly concerned about TD’s wellbeing.

Like the only people he’d truly worry for in this pandemic would be her and his mother, because they are the sole ones that loves him freely, so he would be devastated to know one of the two sick because of him.

It’d just destroy him.

But at the same time, he just can’t fight her for ever, even more when he knows that she doesn’t mean to insult him, but she is simply stating the truth that sadly going out for him wouldn’t be as easy as for you.

He’d try to avoid this through online shopping and avoiding any problematics, but it’d scare him like hell to see you go out and he’d just hold you a bit tighter when you came back.

FAMILY:

As previously stated, Ivar misses his mother extremely.

He honestly is worried sick for her and as the complete momma’s boy he is, he’d absolutely call her daily, maybe more, although I do admit that Aslaug would do the exact same, so Td has set up a routine with the daily calls.

The fact that Aslaug always makes sure to suggest her how to care for Ivar, is a bit too noisy, but she is also very sweet in thanking TD for taking care of her ‘babyboy’ (and TD has  now enough backmail material for a lifetime, with all the stories Aslaug has told her about child! Ivar).

He also low key misses his brothers, mostly Hvitserk, since they were both used to live with each other, but he deals with it better, mostly because they still work together, hence it doesn’t trouble him too much so they see daily although through a computer screens, instead I do think that some of his interactions might be healthier.

It is nice when you can’t stab your brother through the computer.

About TD, she misses her family dearly and Ivar can see it sadly, knowing when he has to cuddle her a bit closer that night, because she misses her mom’s sweet words or her father’s boisterous laugh.

Although he might not seem it, he is every inch the attentive lover she needs in these harsh times of need.

THE END OF IT:

Ivar wouldn’t believe it, truly.

He’d have the hardest time going back to reality, mostly because he is worried that the quick lift of some regulations might push people to act recklessly, so he’d be on his best behavior and would absolutely make sure TD did the same.

He’d be quite severe (constantly carrying extra-masks and hand sanitizer in every bag) but he’d also lift all his own ‘regulations’ to meet his mother and family, although he’d try his best to do it safely, being sure to avoid physical contact, although he’d wish nothing more.

He’d also keep the visits short and make sure to set up most of his work still at home, coming to the office solely if extremely needed, coming to the nearest one.

It’d take him quite some time to calm himself, but eventually he’d be happy (I hope).

@youbloodymadgenius​ @alexhandersenx​ @peaceisadirtyword​ @madamholmes​ @flowers-in-your-hayr​ @ justananotherlazzyperson  @ thespottedcreature  @ amy8220  @peakygroupie​ @ where-are-you-everywhere  @emmyrosee​ @crys-1029 @avengers-fixation​ @ bagpipes606 @mac5323 @ serafina21 @lost-soul-was-taken​​ @maggiescarborough​​ @a-mess-of-fandoms​  @lonewolf471​ @ fuckindiva 

[elsarah]

Hearing loss and the world of the d/Deaf

First of all, many thanks to @thelouistiti​ for your question about resources on hearing loss. I decided it would be better to write everything myself rather than sharing a compilation of links.

Deafness/hearing loss is huge topic and it's two-fold: there's the medical aspect and the cultural one. When talking about Deaf culture and community, I'll capitalize the "d" as is customary to make the distinction. I'll talk from a French perspective, and as a person with severe acquired hearing loss, who is currently learning sign language and making her first steps into the Deaf community.

If you feel I'm too vague, that I need to amend things, or if you just would like to chime in and talk about your experience, my ask box is open and I'll share your input.

For the Frenchies and French speakers here, I also suggest this episode of "C'est pas sorcier" which is about the d/Deaf world. It's old as balls (late 90s) and many things have evolved since (FSL is now considered an official language in France), but they talk about the different types of hearing loss (conductive and sensorineural), how the ear works, hearings aids, and they tackle a bit Deaf History in France. It's a good introduction.

Now let’s begin if you’re ready!

What's hearing loss, how is it measured and what are the different thresholds?

Hearing loss generally refers to the loss of acuity in one or both ears. A person with hearing loss will have difficulties singling out sounds in a noisy environment, understanding speech and pinpointing where a sound originates, hearing a TV and making phone calls. There are a number of factors that can cause hearing loss such as: exposure to noise, ageing, genetics, medication, infections, ear trauma, etc.

Hearing loss is measured by the number of decibels necessary to perceive a sound on a scale of 0 to 8000 Hz (low to high frequencies). One will be considered hearing impaired when unable to perceive a sound under 25 dB. There are 4 thresholds, or degrees of hearing impairment: mild (25 to 40 dB), moderate (41 to 70 dB), severe (71 to 90 dB) and profound (greater than 90 dB). At 120 dB, the loss is considered total.

Hearing loss isn't necessary uniform across all frequencies: some people will have no trouble hearing low frequencies without being able to perceive anything higher-pitched than 1000 Hz.

Someone shared this great picture showing where the sounds of everyday life fall on an audiogram:

Other than severity, hearing loss is also categorized in 3 main types: conductive, sensorineural and mixed (the latter being a combination of conductive and sensorineural).

Conductive hearing loss: the sound doesn’t reach the cochlea (the inner ear). The causes can be infections, a damaged eardrum, malformations, impacted earwax among others.

Sensorineural hearing loss: dysfunction of the inner ear. The sound is able to reach the cochlea, but isn't handled properly. The most common cause is the destruction of the hair cells in the cochlea.

There is another auditory disability that isn't exactly hearing loss but hinders one's ability to understand sounds: auditory processing disorder. People with APD have normal hearing and no damage to the inner ear, but the sound isn't processed properly by the brain.

I'm keeping this short, but the corresponding Wikipedia pages are quite exhaustive, with statistics and all.

How to tell if one is deaf or hard of hearing (HOH)?

Well, it's actually complicated and depends on the person. I've noticed everyone has their own definition of deaf and HOH. According to some people, only people with profound to total hearing loss should be called deaf. Medically, it seems that people with severe hearing loss can also be considered deaf. I've seen people say that you have to be born deaf to call yourself so. And I guess that among hearing people, many think deaf people are simply the ones  communicating in sign language.

And there's my personal take: you call yourself what you feel best describes your hearing abilities and problems. I feel that if hearing loss severely hinders your social and professional life, you may call yourself deaf. The degree of your loss doesn't matter that much if you feel isolated by your disability.

And to hearing people: you don't get to have a say if one is deaf or HOH. Period.

What are hearing aids?

There are actually 2 kinds of hearing devices: hearing aids and cochlear implants.

Hearing aids:

They improve hearing by making sounds audible, for example by amplification. Their settings are custom-made for the wearer by an audiologist. They come in all shapes and sizes but there are 2 main families: Behind the ear (BTE) and In the ear (ITE) hearing aids. The former are composed of a case attached to an earpiece that fits inside the ear. The case rests behind the ear and contains the electronics, controls, battery, and microphone, while the loudspeaker, or receiver, may be housed either in the case or in the earpiece These are particularly recommended for more severe hearing losses, but they're very versatile. In the ear hearing aids devices fit completely in the ear bowl (no case behind the ear) and are more discrete. They're usually recommended for mild to some severe hearing losses

Hearing aids can't completely correct hearing loss. Sensorineural hearing loss reduces the sensitivity to sound and aids can only partially compensate by amplifying sounds. Conductive hearing losses tend to be better treated by hearing aids; the amplified sound is able to reach the cochlea, and the signals are transmitted normally to the brain.

Cochlear implants:

You know how I said sensorineural hearing loss was generally caused by the destruction of hair cells inside the cochlea? These hair cells are sensory receptors that trigger nerve signals when detecting sound waves. The cochlea then converts those sound waves into electric signals that travel to the brain through the auditory nerve. So with damaged hair cells, the signals can't properly reach the brain and the information will be incomplete.

A cochlear implant bypasses the outer, middle and inner ear and generates the electric signals. It doesn't produce noise and unlike hearing aids, it doesn't amplify it. The outer part is composed of a microphone, a sound processor and a coil. The mic takes in sound, then passes it to the processor that crunches the data into electric signals called "channels", which correspond to different sound frequencies. The data is transmitted to the coil, placed on the scalp. The signals are then transmitted as wireless signals to a receiver and electrode array surgically implanted into the cochlea. The receiver converts the waves into electric impulses and when the signals reach the electrodes, they trigger the hearing nerve connected to the brain.

(source: Blausen.com staff, 2014)

What an implanted person hears is what the brain interprets from the combination of these signals. The limited number of channels in a cochlear implant means the sounds are very different from natural hearing and it is necessary to teach the brain to hear after the surgery. It typically takes months of auditory training. The implant doesn't replace hair cells and can't relay pitch and timbre. Implantation is also irreversible. But it allows people with a very low level of hearing to hear speech and pick up different types of sound. When one doesn’t benefit enough from hearing aids, it’s often the last alternative.

It is believed that implanting congenitally deaf children at a young age gives better results, but this is a very controversial topic and I'll get back to it later.

In France, hearing aids are expensive and cochlear implants even more so, but partially reimbursed (fully for children) by social security.

Are deaf people mute?

It’s a common misconception. When you have hearing loss, your vocal cords aren’t impacted. Deaf people can speak, and some really well; they sometimes just choose not to because it can be difficult to regulate volume and pitch. Some deaf people get discriminated for their accent.

So please, ditch the word deaf mute (”sourd-muet” in French).

Can deaf people listen to music?

Yes, but not with the same accuracy. People with profound to total hearing loss will mostly feel the beat and vibrations. There are backpacks and vibrating floors specifically designed for this purpose. People with hearing aids can link them to their music devices with Bluetooth or just wear headphones. The only exception, I believe, is cochlear implants. As they can’t relay pitch and timbre, music isn’t perceived as accurately. It gets better once the ear is trained.

By the way, try to be mindful with deaf people about music and don't imply we miss out on something great. Some don't care, some are perfectly content with what little they can hear and feel. And those who lost their hearing later in life don't need reminding.

How do you manage in your daily life with hearing loss?

Firstly, I would like to stress that most of the issues faced by deaf and hard-of-hearing people are social, not medical, we don’t usually suffer physically from our condition.

Regarding adjustment, it's different for everyone. How the person copes depends on lots of factors, including early vs. late hearing loss, gradual vs. sudden, as well as the severity, the communication needs and the personality (acceptance vs. aversion to change). Hearing loss is also linked to feelings of depression, anxiety, frustration, social isolation and fatigue.

Hearing loss hinders access to education and job opportunities due to impaired communication. In France, the unemployment rate of people with severe hearing loss is almost 4 times the national average. There are extremely few universities which offer proper higher education in sign language. Much of the available higher education adapted to the deaf and hard-of-hearing is short-termed and still very oriented towards manual jobs. And it's not necessarily easier for mainstreamed oralist deaf/hard-of-hearing people who attend universities. As a consequence, deaf people have lower levels of education, with only 10% getting a higher education diploma compared to 30% of the general population.

Access to services, infrastructure and culture is also still a problem. A very important law was passed in France in 2005 in favor of people with disabilities. It guaranteed, among other things, access to all areas of social life: education, employment, housing, transportation and culture. But progress has been very slow. In France, in 2020 for instance, it's next to impossible to find French movies with French captions in cinemas. However, almost all foreign productions in theaters here are available in their original version with French subtitles. Close captions are subtitles specifically designed for the deaf and hard-of-hearing. They supplement the dialog with all the other audio cues: ringtones, music, languages, and so on. They're also more expensive and there are few sessions offering them. Regarding telecommunications, we had to wait until October 2018 for a national telecommunications relay service that allows us to make phone calls with communications operators (FSL interpreters) and speech recognition.

Social integration is extremely important to our well-being. A lack of accessibility may be the cause of a drop in self-esteem and confidence, as well as social withdrawal. Hearing loss has been linked to Alzheimer's disease and dementia, especially among isolated individuals. Prejudice and discrimination are also a problem, probably more towards signing deaf people because both “slurred” speech and the inability to speak are perceived as alien.

Look, lack of accessibility is a pain, but it really shouldn’t prevent us from living our lives to the fullest. The important thing is to not stay alone, even though it's sometimes easier said than done. There is a lot of systemic pressure to make hearing loss invisible. Invisibility is even a selling point for hearing aids, while implanting children at an early age is encouraged to raise them in the hearing world… Many HOH people don't get access to the community simply because they don't know it exists! 

Do you have to learn sign language when you become deaf?

No, you don't have to. The later you become deaf, the more you'll tend to continue using speech. But in my opinion, it's worth considering learning sign language for people with acquired hearing loss, especially children, even if they are fitted with hearing aids. Why? Because hearing aids can't do everything and their performance is very limited in noisy environments. It's great to have another ace up your sleeve to communicate. Also, and it's my personal experience, it's comforting to be in touch with the deaf community and people who share your joys and problems alike.

This is a very sensitive and controversial topic within the Deaf community, which is why I choose to give my opinion on acquired and not prelingual hearing loss. Prelingual hearing loss refers to people who were born deaf or became deaf in their infancy, before the acquisition of language. It means parents must choose how they will educate their children, if they will have them fitted with hearing aids or implanted, follow a mainstream education or go to a deaf school…

Deaf and hard-of-hearing people may also use cued speech (”Langue Parlée Complétée” or “LPC” in French). Cued speech is a visual rendering of spoken words. Some phonemes like "t" and "d" or "p" and "b" can't be differentiated when reading lips (which deaf and HOH people often do automatically). Cued speech renders all phonemes visible through handshapes, known as cues. They are 8 handshapes to represent consonants and 5 positions around the face to represent vowels. Associating one handshape with one position will cue a whole syllable.

Why is there a Deaf culture? What does it entail?

Now, it gets complicated. And fascinating. I won't dwell too much on the subject because I'm basically a baby Deaf gal and I'm not qualified. But my ask box is open if you would like to chime in.

From the moment people share a language and a history, they'll also share a set of experiences and issues, values, good practices, and basically a mindset. So naturally, with sign language being a real language, taught from generation to generation - as well as surviving a century-long ban from schools in France - a whole culture emerged.

And I should even say cultures… every country has its own Deaf culture because it's also tightly connected to the host country's culture and local sign language. The word "house" isn't signed the same way in French and Chinese sign language for instance because architecture isn't the same.

Deaf culture is very militant as Deaf people don't think of hearing loss as a disability. Deaf people typically don't speak of hearing loss but of "Deaf gain". I mentioned that there is systemic pressure to make hearing loss disappear. For instance by implanting deaf children at a young age to teach them to speak and integrate them into the hearing community. Deaf people see this as the death of their culture and language. For many people with hearing loss, Deaf culture means comfort, pride and community. From the Deaf perspective, hearing societies often fail to understand Deaf people's abilities and culture. From this point of view, the lack of communication stems as much from the inability of most hearing people to use sign language as from deaf people's inability to hear.

Deaf culture is however an open culture, you can join at any point in your life, you don't need to be born into it. It usually starts when you learn sign language and get acquainted to other d/Deaf people. A lot of people with late hearing loss are unaware such a culture exists and it often results in a lower self-esteem, as they don't find support in the hearing world. Some hearing people, especially relatives who learned sign language or interpreters, may be considered part of the Deaf community.

I'm not enough of an expert to write a full paragraph on the subject, but just know that just as in any culture, the arts are also very important in Deaf culture, especially visual performances, like drama and sign singing (chansigne in French). 

For instance:

Where can you learn sign language in France? Where can you practice? Do you have any online resources?

First things first, sign language isn't universal. There are almost as many sign languages as countries in the world, though some are more closely related than others. American Sign Language (ASL) and British Sign Language (BSL) differ widely as they use different basic signing systems. There is something called International Sign Language (ISL), but it is only used when Deaf people from different cultures meet, for instance during international competitions.

Regarding French Sign Language (FSL), there are a lot of organizations and associations which offer lessons such as l'Académie de la Langue des Signes Française, International Visual Theatre, 2LPE, Visuel-LSF, etc. Unfortunately, many (especially cultural ones) are located in Paris, and more sparsely in big cities like Lyon or Toulouse. If you're lucky, some high schools offer sign language as a third language, which allows you to gain extra credit for your baccalauréat.

Learning French Sign Language is very expensive, around 220€ for 30 hours. Financing for sign language can be hard to find and there are hardly any discounts or reimbursement schemes for people with hearing loss. Obviously, you may learn sign language through less expensive options, such as meetings at Cafés signes, which are small gatherings in a bar and welcome hearing people as well as deaf and HOH people. It's best to know at least the basics and to avoid Signed French (sign language has a different syntax) and several Cafés are limited to people with a certain level, but several associations like La Parole aux Sourds welcome everyone.

Some libraries in Paris have a dedicated section for sign language and Deaf culture such as Bibliothèque Louise Walser-Gaillard (next to the International Visual Theatre), Bibliothèque Saint-Eloi, La Canopée, Bibliothèque André Malraux and Bibliothèque Fessart. Books are great and may include a lot of signs, but they don't render movements very well.

There are plenty of online resources. I personally use Elix when I need to find a sign. It's a participative dictionary and still a work in progress, so all signs aren't referenced. What I find nice is that they provide variations of the same word. For instance, the word "mom" has a lot of “synonym” signs, depending on the area you live in.

Youtubers are an option BUT make sure you choose channels managed by a member of the Deaf community, a certified teacher and not a student learning sign language. It's important. I like Mélanie Lemaistre who has 2 channels. Her main one is MélanieDeaf, where she raises awareness on culture and sign language. On Signe2mains, she teaches a lot of vocabulary. You may also be interested in Lucas Wild's videos in which he signs and provides captions. It's good for training. And finally, I discovered this channel when typing this post and found it really, really good. It teaches idiomatic expressions in FSL.

But the most important thing when you want to learn sign language, like any living language, is to meet actual deaf people to practice. You have to learn to express yourself with your body and your face, and it's not easy for everyone. When you take lessons, the first hours are usually dedicated to mimes. Sign language is different than mimes as the frame is limited to your upper body but you still need to work on it at first. Signing people typically don't appreciate when you finger spell a word to learn its sign, it's more respectful to mime it.

Where can I meet Deaf people and learn more about their culture?

You may learn more about Deaf history and culture during Open Door Days, when organizations like the INJS (Institut National des Jeunes Sourds, one of the oldest schools for the d/Deaf in Paris) organize guided tours.

In Paris, there is also an amazing center called International Visual Theatre, which is dedicated to visual arts. I take sign language lessons there (they're excellent) and often go and see their plays, which are in both French and FSL.

Every two years, the city of Reims holds a huge international Deaf culture festival named Clin d'Oeil. Thousands of d/Deaf people come from all around the world to meet during 3-4 days (usually in July). It’s dedicated to sign language and visual arts: drama, dance, sign singing (chansigne in French), cinema, mimes, street performances… The next edition will be held in 2021.

Deaf people also organize gatherings, for instance during the World Day of the Deaf, every year in September, when we march for our rights.

Regarding the media, France Télévisions has a program called "L'Œil et la Main". It's in FSL and subtitled in French. They address current news (#MeToo, Youtubers, gene therapy, etc.) from a deaf perspective. There's also a news website entirely designed for signing deaf people called Media'Pi. In FSL, "Pi" means everything that's typical or related to a situation or a person and there's no exact translation in French. If you understand French, this subtitled video explains what "Pi" means.

Do you have any movies, series, books, etc. to recommend?

To be perfectly honest, I have yet to find entertainment media about deafness and hearing loss that I like. But I do like when movies or series include deaf characters and d/Deaf actors into their ensemble. I haven't watched Switched at Birth, but I liked Sean Berdy in what I've seen of The Society so far. There's another young deaf actress, Millicent Simmonds, who was recently in 2 movies: A Quiet Place and Wonderstruck (I'd like to see the latter one). Marvel's The Eternals will also feature the first deaf superhero, played by Lauren Ridloff. But none of them really address deafness and Deaf culture. Which is also totally valid, it's nice to have characters where aren't defined by their disability. It's just that yes, sign language is nice, aesthetic through the roof, but what about the culture?

I didn't like Children of a Lesser God (a movie based on a play), which is supposedly one of the most famous representation of deaf people in movies. I think it didn't age well. But it made Marlee Matlin famous and allowed her to talk about Deaf issues and to give the community visibility. It's a must-see, basically, but you might not enjoy it.

In France, we have hardly any representation in the mainstream media, which is why I have high hopes about Skam France and I hope I can soon add it to the list. I however recommend this documentary: J'avancerai vers toi avec les yeux d'un sourd, which the director dedicated to the friend who had taught her sign language and who sadly passed. I don't think this was distributed in English but I could be wrong! There's also Marie Heurtin, a movie about a young deafblind girl who is sent to a convent, where Sister Sainte-Marguerite decides to take care of her.

The only popular movie with deaf characters that came out in theatres recently in our country was La Famille Bélier. It's quite infamous within the Deaf community as hearing actors who were specially trained in FSL for the movie played two out of the three main deaf characters. We're used to having our roles played by hearing actors, the same happened to the recent theatre production of Children of a Lesser God where two hearies played the main characters.

I know that many people think cinema and drama are all about the performance and that it's ok when hearing people play minority roles. It's not. Have you ever seen a deaf actor play a hearing character?

I'm short on fiction works about hearing loss and Deaf culture though; feel free to chime in if you have recs. In France, Emmanuel Laborit, a French Deaf icon who won a Molière in the 90s for her performance as Sarah Norman (the main character of Children of a Lesser God), wrote an autobiography, le Cri de la Mouette where she addresses her childhood memories and the shaping of her identity though sign language.

What would help d/Deaf people?

First and foremost: visibility! Let d/Deaf people speak for themselves, demand from production companies that they cast deaf people for deaf roles. If you are not seen, you are not known. Invisibility plays a big role in the negative perception hearing people have of hearing loss. I've seen people here saying that becoming deaf was their worst fear in the world. How sad.

Many people with hearing loss will spend their whole life with it. We have a long road before us and we don't want to fight it through. Give us positive representation, people to admire and to support. Give us good stories. Giving us visibility will also shine a light on our issues and our needs regarding accessibility. Keep that in mind and be proactive. You don't realize how tiring it is, when you are deaf, to organize your own accessibility at an event because nobody thought about it. Equal opportunities don't mean you have to treat us like you would treat abled people and just let us be (you know we are already aware we have the right to exist?). It means giving us the tools we need to thrive because we start with a pretty big impediment.

Don't let deaf people bear the brunt of the lack of communication, especially if they choose not to talk. You wouldn't do it with a foreigner. Use voice recognition or type your sentence on your smartphone, use mimes, but just try. A conversation goes both ways and we are the disabled ones, not you.

 So that's it. That's the post. If you have questions, I beg you to ask them, my ask box will ALWAYS be open for his purpose. I had to keep this as short as possible and left many things aside, but I hope this will give you a good insight into hearing loss and the d/Deaf world.

[imaginaryelle]

Wei Wuxian, Mutism and Non-Verbal Communication

I am making a fresh post because I’ve been having issues with asks and especially read mores in asks, and this post is definitely going to require that. So. (edit: this is now also available to read on AO3!)

@tamyourue​​​ asked:

For the prompt request thingy - I'm a Sign nerd, and I've read quite a few mute!lwj, which is not that surprising. But what about a mute!wwx? I think it would be interesting to explore that with the way his family and lwj would handle it, if he was either born this way or acquired a disability later in life. How would HE handle it, being such a lively and talkative person? I planned on writing a fic of the sort but you do awesome meta, and another person's pov would be really fascinating to me.

Thank very much for asking! This immediately grabbed my brain and yanked me face-first into headcanons and possibility permutations. I’m going to try to focus on something more meta-style since you mention that (and aw <3 thank you! I have lots of fun writing my meta so I’m glad you like it!), but if you write fic on this topic I would love to see it. I am 100% certain you know more about sign language than me (I know very little but this whole thing has rekindled my interest in learning, if you have suggestions for resources!) so please do correct me if I make some erroneous statements or assumptions here. Also, I feel like I should note here that I got a little carried away (this is ~7k folks) and some of the things here are probably ideas you’ve already thought about as general concepts of non-verbal communication. I’ve included them anyway because they helped me process all my other thoughts. As always, I welcome additional input on my meta.

Okay so first off, I did some research, because I love research. (Possibly this should go without saying, and I’m sure you yourself already know this, but just in case, for general context and because this is a public post: I do think it’s important to treat things like this—any form of disability or illness or othering—with respect for the real life people who deal with it every day. Let’s not romanticize these things, right? Or just use it to woobify or infantilize characters or write disability tragedy porn? And let’s do make sure we’re doing our research and consuming media (essays, blog posts, videos, etc) created by those people about their experience? Good? Good.) Some non-comprehensive sources I consulted:

This masterlist of resources (includes deaf, mute and blind character writing resources compiled from real life experiences—trigger warning on the “21 People Reveal” link: trauma, depression, rape mention)

This I Am Mute AMA on reddit

This British Psychological Society Research Digest on adults who experience selective mutism (in their own words)

Wikipedia’s Mutism page (I promise the link is there), which lists various conditions that can lead to someone not being able to speak

I also attempted to research a bit about the history of sign language in China, but most of what I found was either comparison to ASL (here’s a video on family terms) or the fact that there are two different sign languages: a literary sign language that reflects written Chinese, and a natural sign language. Also most of what I found was focused more on the Deaf community. The history of mute people in China turned up even fewer results, unfortunately, so if anyone knows good sources for that, let me know!

Jumping off all of that, things that matter for writing a Wei Wuxian who is mute: is Wei Wuxian the only mute person he knows? Are there other mute or deaf people around who use any kind of sign language? When did he become mute? How? Is it physical or psychological? Full-on cannot speak at all or selective based on environment? And is this more novel-verse, or more drama-based? (This meta is going to reference the drama more than the novel, primarily because we get to see body language and some relationships are more fleshed out, but I believe most points should work for both canons.) Questions to be answered on an individual fic basis, of course, but let’s consider some possibilities.

Character-wise, one of the biggest things here for me is that Wei Wuxian hates being ignored. It’s not exactly that he needs to be the center of attention at every single moment, but he’s a showman. Even if the protagonist of the story was someone else, he’d still be there, attracting attention and calling people out on unfairness and generally being that combination of nuisance and talented genius that we love. And he already lives in a world where he can be silenced and isolated—people drown him out, talk over him and dismiss him on a regular basis in canon, and of course there’s the Lan Clan silencing spell.

Multiple people (especially various Jin family members, but also Madam Yu and a few others) use social class and rumor and perceptions of power to shut him down throughout the story, even though he is entirely capable of speaking and often doesn’t keep quiet when it might be beneficial for him to do so. Being mute is only going to exaggerate that ability for others to disregard him, but he’s still going to be that dramatic, fiercely opinionated guy, even if he can’t communicate verbally. He tries to talk through the silencing spell practically every time it’s put on him as it is (and really, what is the Lan Clan going to do to him if he already can’t speak? That spell now becomes a totally useless punishment for him). He’s still going to disrupt Lan Qiren’s class and volunteer to show off and make noise and draw attention to himself. He might be ignored more easily, and consequently get frustrated more often, but he’s still going to do it, because being dutifully silent or nonreactive for more than a single conversation pretty much means just not being Wei Wuxian. So how does he communicate?

I do think it matters here, when he becomes mute and whether it’s selective or not. If he’s born unable to speak, or develops muteness in early childhood (say, after his parents die but before Jiang Fengmian takes him in), I think he’d develop his methods of communication in different ways than if it were to happen later. In the case of childhood mutism I think he’s more likely to use (or develop) actual sign language, and to depend on other people (such as his siblings) to speak aloud for him in some situations. I mostly base that on 1) the trust-building between him, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli in those early-life flashbacks 2) how much more often he talks to merchants than anyone else (more on that later) and 3) how much nonverbal communication he uses already (it’s a lot. He’s very expressive). If he becomes mute as a teen or adult, I think he’ll deal with a lot more like he deals with the loss of his golden core: deflection of worry, insistence on independence as much as possible, and lots of inventive solutions (but still lots of body language, of course).

Okay, with those trends in mind, here are some general possibilities (in no particular order) that mix real world tactics and mdzs setting specifics and can be applied to a variety of situations:

1. As mentioned above, he might use expressions, body language, generally understood gestures or actions. Wei Wuxian tends to be pretty physically expressive in canon already, so this is likely to be his first instinct when he reaches for communication tools. Let’s look at another silencing spell gif.

Wei Wuxian is extremely expressive every time this is used on him. He makes faces. He waves his arms. He stomps and grabs at people. Where other people hit with this technique frown and look confused and touch their lips or neck, Wei Wuxian complains. He pouts. He makes a production out of how much he hates it. His moods, in general, tend to involve his entire body. So I take that as pretty strong evidence that gestures, facial expressions and miming are going to play a pretty big role in his communication style. Here is a fun youtube video for CSL of the Tortoise and the Hare story, which I think has bearing on how much he could get away with just using his face and miming. Making faces and grabbing Lan Wangji’s wrist or sleeve isn’t going to change here, and he might in fact get even handsier, if that’s possible. As a cultivator, Wei Wuxian would have access to a level of physical adroitness that most people don’t, which could also tie in to how he uses his body to communicate. In general, these are things that are going to make it difficult for him to hide his identity after his resurrection if he’s mute beforehand, but they help a lot with conveying basic ideas so they’re definitely going to be involved somehow, no matter what else he does. Something of a contrast to stories about Lan Wangji and muteness, perhaps.

2. He might communicate through his siblings/other people. Jin Zixuan gets by with saying extremely little because he almost always has other people around who are more than willing to speak for him. Jiang Cheng, pre-Sunshot Campaign, does some of the same (he’s so surprised to be called on and have to speak for himself during that first victory banquet), and of course we sometimes see this play out between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in canon already: Wei Wuxian will voice things that Lan Wangji is feeling or agrees with, but is unwilling to actually say. So it’s conceivable that Wei Wuxian could get a lot of communication done by having his siblings or close friends (depending on where in the timeline the story takes place) speak for him, as he communicated with them via some other method (at its most basic just an understanding of his pov and what he would want to say, extending into body language, personal signs or sign language, notes, etc.). The best candidate for this is going to be Jiang Yanli, as we do see her stand up and speak for him in drama canon, when people start questioning whether their being alone together is appropriate. I think Jiang Cheng would do his best, but he’d also be inconsistent about it sometimes in situations where he didn’t think it was important or didn’t agree with Wei Wuxian, because he can be a moody dick when he wants to be and he’s not that great at talking himself. I forsee lots of brotherly shoulder punches and slaps upside the head. So many. More than usual. Jiang Fengmian might do a little, as might other Jiang Clan disciples (they certainly seem to like Wei Wuxian well enough to try).

As you might be able to tell, I think this method of communication is much more likely to be used if he’s mute while growing up. If he’s injured as an adult, or loses the ability to speak after he’s resurrected, he’s going to have to build all this context from scratch and it’s going to be much more difficult for this method to work smoothly. It could still work to a certain extent, but it probably won’t be as fluid. On the other hand, if Wei Wuxian was mute as a child, he’d likely be almost immediately recognizable to anyone who regularly interacted with him before his death, especially in the drama, where he has the same body. Jiang Cheng won’t have a moment of doubt when Zidian fails to banish Wei Wuxian’s invading spirit from Mo Xuanyu’s body, because he’ll have had that particular flick of two fingers or turn of a hand with accompanying scowl, etc., acted out in front of him every day for over a decade, and Wei Wuxian will have a much more difficult time hiding that, because it’s muscle memory as well as a form of communication. Which could be a very interesting plot development!

Another possible plot divergence is that if Jiang Yanli starts speaking for her brother at a younger age that might influence her to speak up more just in general, which could hugely affect the story. If she gets used to speaking for Wei Wuxian and herself (and even Jiang Cheng!) rather than letting Wei Wuxian step in as we often see him do, she might involve herself more actively in Sect politics. Which means that she’d likely be attending cultivation conferences more often. Which means that she could be in an incredibly powerful position when stuff starts going down with Wei Wuxian and the Wens. Jiang Cheng is young and stressed and insecure about his place. He doesn’t know how to say “yes, these people helped us, and they don’t deserve what you’re doing to them.” His instinct is to curl around what’s his and protect it, which is exactly what he was raised to do as the future Sect Leader of Lotus Pier. But Jiang Yanli cares about people because they’re people, in much the same way Wei Wuxian does (see: her treatment of Wen Ning during the wedding dress visit, as one example). If she’s at that conference and used to speaking out? She’s going to make a difference, because she has an excellent relationship with Jin Guangshan’s wife and his heir. Jin Zixuan is actively pursuing her at that point. She’s gentry, from a good family (unlike MianMian). She is right on the cusp of marrying into the Jin clan. If nothing else, she has enough influence that if she speaks out, Jiang Cheng will support her, and possibly others (such as Lan Xichen, sitting there looking uncomfortable but not saying anything as long as Wei Wuxian stands on his own). That could be a fun ripple effect to see played out.

3. He might communicate through music. This would be a fantastic place to use the Chinese literature technique of poetry allusions. Different songs or melodies might be associated with different lyrics, or plays, or poems, and so just a short musical phrase could convey a fairly complex (if sometimes more allegorical or symbolic) meaning. This particular method of communication might be most effective in conjunction with the Lans and Nie Huaisang just because they’d be more likely to make quick connections and respond to them without further explanation necessary, but in the right circumstances it could work for most cultivators, since they seem to pride themselves on their literacy. I’m still just barely dipping my toes into this stuff so I don’t have any concrete examples here, but I think it could be a lot of fun to incorporate more music into Wei Wuxian’s life before Chenqing, since he certainly learned to play the dizi somewhere before that whole coreless-in-a-death-trap adventure, and also I think travels with Lan Wangji and the juniors might be fun with some musical references peppered in. Which I might keep in mind even for fics where Wei Wuxian is not mute.

This next song compares Jin Zixun to all the fools of history and legend and finds him lacking.

4. Talismans! Wei Wuxian, being Wei Wuxian, seems to like to use talismans both to get attention and to convey meaning even when he doesn’t have any particular difficulty speaking in canon (I adore the butterfly talisman, okay, I will never be over it). And using talismans doesn’t necessarily mean conveying ideas in words, even though magical glowy writing can very cool.

[insert image of Wei Wuxian writing on his palm, clapping his hands together and then separating them reveal a glowy orange insult to Jin Zixuan’s ego held between them because he’s blunt like that sometimes]

Again, symbols and poetic allusions could be used. Whole landscapes, steaming bowls of soup, he could run wild with his artistic talents. Also he’d probably be able to figure out a sort of magical white-board situation with writing and erasing and re-writing script easily, though it would consume spiritual power of one type or another so it might be more difficult for him to pull off for a longer conversation, or after he’s lost his golden core (there’s another fun plot hook to play with: figuring out new ways to communicate as well as necromancy during the Sunshot Campaign). We do see him erase a talisman in the drama during the Yi City stuff, so that’s very nearly canon already. Basic writing would also be an option here (as we see Song Lan use) but I think the frustrations of needing ink and a brush or writing on the ground and everything would get to him pretty fast—Wei Wuxian is not a very patient person most of the time, so unless it’s actual letter-writing or a book of pre-set phrases he carries with him (probably a good idea for emergencies anyway) I don’t think that’s going to be his go-to.

Another talisman option is: let’s not forget that Wei Wuxian is a genius inventor! He could do so many things with cultivation. To pull from a real world technology example: Maybe he makes a talisman he can wrap around his throat that will convey the vibrations of his vocal chords (provided he has fully developed ones of course). Maybe he combines talismans and fireworks to get attention and write sparkly messages at the same time. To pull from things already in the canon: Maybe he uses Empathy for really important situations. Maybe he can literally steal other people’s voices momentarily, as he does control of bodies, or, post-Burial Mounds, maybe he can speak through the voices of spirits and fierce corpses. How freaking creepy would those be? One is like the reverse of the Lan Clan silencing spell: you can’t speak, but I can use your voice, potentially out of your own mouth. The other is just going to make traditional cultivators break out in hives: Wei Wuxian showing up to the war and every time he wants to speak he summons a fierce corpse or a ghost to scream his thoughts into annoying people’s faces.

Those last two aren’t going to win him any friends but oh wow do they look fun.

Imagine Wei Wuxian roasting Su She and exposing his whole plan in Su She’s own voice.

One last thing here that just occurred to me: Wei Wuxian has on at least one occasion in the drama used the paperman to talk to someone. He does it with Wen Qing, to ask if there’s any way she can arrange a break for Lan Wangji when he’s walking on a broken leg. Is that a telepathy thing? Or a voice thing? And would his ability to do it be affected by his relationship with spoken words? Food for thought.

5. Context or partner-based signs. These would be signs he makes up or develops in conjunction with friends and family, but which are based on shared experience and reference points rather than a full sign language. Could be pretty much anything as long as they mean something to his audience, but are going to be useful mostly for those cases where he’s having a one-on-one conversation or trying to get someone else to verbalize for him in a larger group. Counting on fingers, waving, summoning, the three-finger swear Wei Wuxian uses on that rooftop during the Sunshot Campaign etc. would be examples of generally socially known gestures so this is mostly just an extension of that. I would like to think that he would have personalized sign nick-names for people, probably related to puns or in-jokes. This is a fun place to play with context and relationship complexity, because different people are going to have different levels of fluency in “Wei Wuxian.” Perhaps that’s part of the wedge that drives itself between him and Jiang Cheng even: after months on end with the Wens, Wei Wuxian has mannerisms and signs Jiang Cheng doesn’t know, which just make him feel even more distant from his brother.

6. He might use an actual established sign language of some kind, probably one usually used in trade contexts (because there are many dialects and languages in Ancient China so trade sign could very easily be a thing) unless you build more of a social network (and more general social acceptance) for mute and deaf people into the world. Which could totally happen! But if you don’t tweak the world-building then sign language as a language beyond trade sign is going to be minimally useful to most individuals who would need it, because they’re mostly going to be communicating with people who don’t use it (as can often happen in the real world, of course). I think a general-use sign language or trade sign + personal signs could be a lot of fun, especially between close family and friends (how much would especially drama!Wen Ning love that added level of connection and communication?)

Look at them. Look at this ridiculousness.

But outside of that it’s probably not going to be something anyone but especially kind souls will actually use with him beyond actual monetary transactions. This is not a canon that’s generally kind to people who are marked as different. Most of the big cultivators probably wouldn’t even learn much trade sign, especially not the Jins and Wens, because they have servants to negotiate prices for them if necessary, but the Jiangs might learn both because they’re closer to their trade-port commoners and for Wei Wuxian’s sake. Anyone who travels alone would want to know some, at least. Lan Wangji might know a little and learn more specifically to communicate with Wei Wuxian? Could go a lot of directions.

7. Clapping, tapping things together, stomping, whistling, and maybe laughter, vocal crying or screaming, humming and whispers. These methods of communication will depend a lot on why a character is mute and whether it’s physically or psychologically-based. Clapping, tapping, stomping and whistling should be generally possible; the rest depend on vocal chord development and certain nerves being functional. Interestingly, this means that Wei Wuxian still has total control over simple fierce corpses and spirits even if his vocal chords don’t work or are damaged. Which is cool. Clapping/tapping/stomping would allow him to engage in morse/chinese telegraph/tapping code styles of communication too, if such a thing exists in Ancient Fantasy China (Why not? They already have chilies and potatoes and fly on swords). A whistle code for night hunting would just be a useful thing in general, for everyone. Limited speech might also be a thing. In some cases of selective mutism people can speak with certain people (a feeling of safety seems to be a big factor, though sometimes I saw reports of people saying they could speak just fine if it was on stage/part of a theatre production but not for day-to-day stuff too), or at low volumes. This might be more taxing than other forms of communication, or not, depending on the specific situation. It might lead to things like Wei Wuxian being able to talk to his family and possibly close friends like Lan Wangji, but not in large groups or to “outsiders,” which might in turn lead to more resentment on some people’s parts and more accusations that he’s just being rude or arrogant, etc.

8. Fan code. Because it should exist, why is Nie Huaisang the only person in this canon with a fan. Should be remedied, obviously.

Think of the things he could be saying if he had anyone to talk to this way!

9. The telepathy spell from fighting the Tortoise of Slaughter. This is a drama-exclusive thing, and I love it! So much! But. Telepathy is a very common workaround for characters who are unable to use verbal language and personally I think it’s often used to just totally erase that non-verbal communication or any of the difficulties actual mute people experience. So. It might be more interesting, and more respectful for real people’s lived experience, to introduce some further obstacles. What are the spell’s limits? Distance? Duration? Can it involve more than two people? Does it consume energy from all parties or only the person who initiates it? Who knows it? Is it a Lan Clan specialty? Is it only for highly ranked disciples? Did Lan Wangji invent it? Do the Lan juniors know this spell? If they do, would they use it? If yes to both those last two questions, that eliminates a lot of barriers for resurrected Wei Wuxian. Both Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi seem like they would willingly (with varying levels of sass of course) take on the task of relaying Wei Wuxian’s thoughts, at least sometimes. But again, it matters when Wei Wuxian becomes mute, because language and how you communicate shapes how you think. What if one of them or Lan Wangji uses the spell, and Wei Wuxian’s thoughts don’t come across as direct words? How does that impact their ability to communicate in this way?

Also, I invite you to picture: Wei Wuxian is back from the dead. He has been reunited with Lan Wangji. He can’t talk, verbally, but he can speak with Lan Wangji telepathically. This is a new development related to his resurrection. Lan Wangji is now faced with a dilemma, because he kind of depends on Wei Wuxian to do all the talking in a number of situations as the plot moves forward. How do they maneuver those situations now? The confrontation of the second Burial Mounds siege? The reveal of Jin Guangyao’s crimes? Also, depending on how the spell works and their communication style before Wei Wuxian died, it’s totally possible that he now just has Wei Wuxian chattering at him inside his head rather constantly, to make up for the fact that he suddenly can’t speak aloud. How does that affect their changing relationship as they go on adventures?

A possible example of this scenario.

Okay, time for some character implications. You know that thing Wei Wuxian does where he has to prove that he is at least as good and usually better than everyone else at whatever he can manage even though he’s an orphaned child of non-gentry parents? Yeah. That’s probably going to get cranked up all the way past 11 to like, 17 or something. A lot. Because if Wei Wuxian can’t verbally speak in a culture where oratory is such an ingrained part of daily life and cultivator culture, a lot of people are going to use that to assume he’s also stupid or unskilled. We see repeated examples of Wen Ning and Jiang Cheng being disregarded or manipulated through their inability to give speeches the way other people do, and the ability to speak well is mentioned as a distinct and admirable ability in reference to both Jin Guangyao and Ouyang Zizhen. It’s something cultivator politics pretty much requires, after a certain point: the ability to speak, clearly and with authority. Not being able to is going to tick Wei Wuxian off to no end. Frequently. And also (I believe) add even more fuel to his “I’m better than you” antics.

He’s still going to be this dramatic asshole, and he’s still going to be better than Jin Zixuan.

Speech doesn’t affect any of those gentlemanly skills he’s learned (provided we assume he still ahs the opportunity to learn them). It doesn’t affect his archery, or his swordsmanship, or his cultivational power. I don’t think it would affect horsemanship, but it might depend on how the horse was trained and what sounds Wei Wuxian is able to make. But either way, with the skills he does have I think it’s possible he would flaunt them even more, especially in front of people he thinks look down on him. He might also get into more physical fights, since he already has a tendency to do that as is when he’s offended enough (most obviously illustrated by his Cloud Recesses confrontation of Jin Zixuan). He might just walk out of more conversations, as we saw him do during the Sunshot Campaign, even before he loses his gold core. He might get even more unconventional in his ideas even more quickly, because he doesn’t fit in as well from the start and never will. The appeal of becoming a rogue cultivator or trying to seek out Baoshan Sanren on his own might be pretty strong. Lots of canon divergence and AU possibilities there.

As far as inter-character relationships go, if he’s mute from childhood I don’t think his relationships with his adopted family would change a whole lot. Madam Yu is going to throw his muteness in his and everyone else’s faces on a regular basis because it’s another handle she can grab onto. Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli might be more protective of him, but I think their personal dynamic with him would remain largely the same. Same with Jiang Fengmian. Jiang Yanli might speak up more often and Jiang Cheng might be forced to develop more patience and eloquence at a younger age, which could certainly ripple out into bigger things over time if you wanted to go that direction. Similarly, Lan Sizhui might have vague memories/ an increased ability to pick up the meaning behind “Mo Xuanyu’s” gestures and signs, which in turn could lead to his own identity being revealed sooner as well. It really depends on how deep you want to go, and how far you want to spin things.

Wei Wuxian’s relationships with the rest of the cultivation world, on the other hand, might be drastically different from a younger age because there’s always going to be that hint there that he’s lacking something, even more than he already gets with his birth status. I could absolutely see it being used in a very similar way to how mentions of Jin Guangyao’s parentage are used. In addition, Wei Wuxian’s going to have a harder time charming his way through situations, because the pacing of his conversations is going to be different. A lot of people are going to avoid him even before he turns to demonic cultivation because they don’t want to deal with learning new ways to communicate, which might contribute to his desire to show off more often and more drastically. (Some people of course are going to hate him even more because of this, and say things that involve phrases like “despite his shortcomings” but they hate him anyway. So how much that increase in irritation affects plot would depend on how far you wanted to take it.) Many relationships (especially more superficial ones) might have to be built a little bit slower, or a little more indirectly. A single first meeting will make less of an immediate positive impact unless he develops some specific strategies. Is he going to be remembered? Absolutely. But he’ll have to work harder to be remembered as “that charming, skilled Wei kid” instead of “that mute guy from Yunmeng Jiang.” It’s definitely a challenge.

This pun-and-flirting-based conversation, for example, would be very difficult to pull off.

With Lan Wangji specifically… I think it could go a lot of directions. I do like to think that one of the things that he finds attractive about Wei Wuxian is that Wei Wuxian makes it obvious he wants to be around, and be friends, but he accommodates Lan Wangji’s moods and actions without the need for very many verbal cues. He pays attention. All the time. He reacts to everything Lan Wangji does, whether Lan Wangji is talking or not, and he wants Lan Wangji’s attention in return. They actually have a lot of non-verbal communication going on already. They click, on a certain level, especially in combat situations, and can convey a lot of communication without very many words. So I don’t think that part would change much. Maybe more whistles and gestures and music, but it already involves a lot of touching. Nor would that aspect of Lan Wangji trying to figure Wei Wuxian out change a lot—the puzzle part might even be intensified, which could be fun to play with and lead them to be closer from an earlier time, especially in the novel setting. What might change is that Lan Wangi might start picking up more of Wei Wuxian’s ways of expressing himself, because another part of what I personally see in their relationship is that Wei Wuxian is often a catalyst for Lan Wangji realizing he can approach a problem from a totally different angle. If Wei Wuxian uses music to communicate as well as in cultivation, Lan Wangji might pick that up, or he might pick up certain gestures (signs can sometimes be more efficient than spoken words, especially if someone is used to them, and I think that would appeal to Lan Wangji’s economy of expression), or ways to use talismans (as we see him use one of Wei Wuxian’s talismans as a distraction in the drama). So yeah, if Wei Wuxian is mute when they first meet I think they would develop some slightly different lines of communication, but overall the shape of their relationship would remain largely the same. (Exploring those slightly different lines could be a lot of fun, even so :D)

A lot of the things I’ve written here are primarily based in the idea that Wei Wuxian is mute in childhood. If Wei Wuxian lost the ability to speak as a teen or adult, that would be pretty different. His frustration levels would be even higher than if he was dealing with it most of his life, especially since, as I noted above, I don’t think he would have as much of a chance to build a working knowledge of signs with very many people, if anyone at all. If his reaction to being trapped at Burial Mounds and becoming first a war hero and then a social pariah are any indication, he’d be dramatic and angry about it, and probably actively use it as a blind to disguise his lack of a golden core as much as possible. I think in any case where he became mute after growing up speaking, his chosen methods of communication would be a lot more direct and voice- or writing-based, whether through use of resentment-fueled voice-borrowing or talismans and glowy writing, or inventions like the vocal chord vibration thing. He’s going to be much more resistant to relying on other people if he can at all avoid it, and much more impatient about round-about methods of communication like music. He’d probably also employ a lot of exaggerated facial expressions and emphatic (and probably often rude) gestures. His adulthood is pretty stressful to begin with, and this is only going to make it moreso.

For character reactions in that situation—I think there would be a lot of concern from his siblings and Lan Wangji, and depending on when it happened there might be a lot of connections drawn between his inability to speak and his adoption of demonic cultivation. (I see four major points where he might become mute as a teen/adult before his death, and they’re all pretty close together: 1) during the Wen indoctrination camp, 2) when he wakes up from his coma after fighting the Tortoise of Slaughter 3) when Lotus Pier is invaded and destroyed, 4) When Wen Chao captures him and throws him into the Burial Mounds. Potential option #5: in a battle during the Sunshot Campaign.) On the one hand, in these situations Wei Wuxian already has established relationships based mostly in respect with a lot of people, so he might meet with more patience (but also more pity) for a while. On the other, people like Jin Guangshan are absolutely not above using something like this to shut him out of politics entirely.

But okay, among people he actually likes: I think Jiang Yanli and Lan Wangji would put in the most effort for actually communicating with him and helping him find ways to cope, as we see them do in the drama with the golden core situation. They and Jiang Cheng might possibly also narrow in focus pretty hard on finding a cure, if possible, since that falls in line with their reactions to his giving up the sword (something to be careful about in writing, as the difference between “magical cure” and “recovery through speech therapy” can be pretty important on a sensitivity level).

In a case of selective mutism—I think only Jiang Yanli would react well at first.

I cry over their relationship so much.

At this point Jiang Cheng is well and truly into his “why are you making my life harder” phase so Wei Wuxian being able to speak with him in private but not in public might start as a relief and then quickly become annoying as fuck. It might take Lan Wangji a while to figure out it’s even happening, especially if he’s one of the people Wei Wuxian still speaks aloud with. He might just think for a while that Wei Wuxian is trying to be better about controlling his mouth in public settings. But once he did figure it out, he’d probably adjust pretty quickly because he can relate to it a bit—we see him speak in small groups or one on one way more often than in more public stage situations, even though he is generally fully capable of speaking. I do think there would still be an undercurrent of worry there though, especially since at that point in his life Wei Wuxian is pretty close to spiraling out of control at the drop of a hat.

This sort of thing might be a lot more common.

Post-resurrection, Wei Wuxian himself would probably be really, really confused to suddenly be alive again but unable to speak. I think he’d spend some time going “wtf??” and then shoving his way into situations with wild hand gestures and body language and facial expressions. Think about that first confrontation in Mo Village, where he’s acting “mad”? That sort of exaggeration, and deliberately provocative physical contact maybe. He might play really annoying noises on grass or his poorly-made flute to get people’s attention. Whistling is highly probable. There’d probably also be some related depression, too. All of these things are obviously possibilities for if he developed mutism earlier of course, but I think if it came with the resurrection he’d have a lot more questions about it, and focus a lot more on being able to make noise at first.

I will make everyone else aware of my personal annoyance in any way possible.

He might end up doing more instead of trying to lead the Lan juniors to the correct conclusions, because he’s going to have way fewer communication tools than he would under other circumstances. He’d be less able to immediately insult Jin Ling at their first meeting, and less recognizable to Jiang Cheng. And once he met up with Lan Wangji, I think Lan Wangji would worry a lot about his silence in this case, because it’s so unlike him and they don’t know why it’s happened (unless Mo Xuanyu was already known to be mute). Finding a cure or a way to practice and build up speech again would be pretty high in both their priorities, I think, and Lan Wangji would watch Wei Wuxian a bit more closely, to make sure he stayed safe (because if this has changed, what else has changed?).

That oversight could influence the plot a fair amount. It might mean that they don’t catch Nie Huaisang at the Tomb of Blades. It might mean that Wei Wuxian tries to run away more often, or more determinedly, because he feels like he’s being smothered. It might significantly impact their ability to communicate during the Yi City fights in the fog, unless they’ve developed or adopted a whistle or clapping code by then. Wei Wuxian picks up on A-Qing’s tapping quickly enough that he’d probably come up with something a little more sophisticated, given time. They might spend a lot more time in the evenings and while traveling working on ways to communicate. Writing. Music. Empathy-the-technique. Establishing gestures and tapping codes, designing new talismans, etc. but for a while there Wei Wuxian is going to be extremely dependent on Lan Wangji (and possibly sometimes Lan Sizhui) to interpret and speak for him, which is a major change in their relationship that could be really interesting to explore. Does Lan Wangji start speaking out more often? Or does he employ intimidation or position or the silencing spell to make others wait for Wei Wuxian to communicate in other ways? How does that effect Wei Wuxian’s hidden identity? Does this experience resolve their friendship-to-lovers plot faster, or does it provide just provide even more opportunities for miscommunication?

The possibilities for fic are very nearly endless, I think, but my personal favorite options would be either something with the voice stealing and fierce-corpse-yelling (the consequences would be huge but individual moments could be very satisfying) or a fic focused on Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian working together, building new communication tools and deepening their relationship through shared context, because I am a Wangxian sap at heart <3.

[mermaidxatxheart]

Crazy in Love

So, it’s been a hot minute since I posted anything. I was having trouble with my external hard drive and even now I have to use my old, slow as shit laptop to post this. This one came from a story prompt given to me by @everythingisoverrated​ I hope you like it.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 8,681

Summary: An attack is coming from outer space. Big surprise. Another day, another dollar. Team Cap and Team Iron Man are joining forces, but Steve calls in someone from Bucky’s past to help with this particular mission. And Bucky isn’t happy about it at all.

Warning: Smut, anger, angst, violence, deadly injuries, and obviously swearing because it’s me.

IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, DON’T READ ANY FURTHER

“I dunno, Steve. This is crazy, even for you.” Bucky mutters, rolling up his scouting maps. 

“That’s why I’ve brought in help.” Steve has a wicked glint in his eye and Bucky doesn’t like it one bit.  

“By help you mean... Natasha? Or Wanda?” He asks, tucking his maps away. 

“Uh, close.” Steve focuses on someone behind him. Bucky half turns and groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“You have got to be kidding me.” He starts to turn back to his best friend. “Steven-“  

Shockingly, Steve is nowhere to be seen.  

“Damn it, Rogers,” Bucky mutters. You approach and Bucky isn’t sure if he wants to take a swing at you or push you against the wall and kiss you like his life depends on it. You always have that effect on him.  

Completely infuriating, but stupidly attractive. 

“Hey, Buck.” You grin, your eyes dipping down over his body slowly before coming back up to his face.  

“Y/N.” He replies through clenched teeth. Better to just stay stock still before his body does something his mind doesn’t approve of.  

See, he knows you’re crazy. He knows that being around you is bad for his health, you’re gonna kill him one of these days. Either through stress or just straight putting a bullet in him. But that doesn’t stop him from wanting you every time he sees you. He had to end your relationship months ago when he realized that while his mind said ‘stay away she’s nine pounds of crazy in a five-pound bag’ his body said ‘but the sex is amazing. She’s everything you want.’  You can’t have that kind of conflict in a healthy relationship. 

And so he ended it.  

And regrets it every day since.  

“Looks like we’re gonna be work together.” You say, leaning against the table next to him. Your arm is touching his and he can feel the electricity between you two. 

“Look, you just stay on your side of the field and I’ll stay on mine.” He grumbles. He doesn’t want to be any closer to you than he has to. He can already feel his willpower crumbling.  “

If that’s how you want to play it.” You shrug and he feels a trap coming. He can feel it hanging in the air, he’s not sure what it’s going to be yet, but he just knows you’re going to trap him, you love your games. 

“Great. That’s settled.” He turns and stomps away, making his escape before you can trick him. 

“Any spare long-distance rifles I can borrow?” You ask, appearing right next to him. He tries not to flinch, to keep control at least outwardly. You don’t need to know that you startled him.  

“In the armory,” Bucky mutters, having no intention of taking you there. You can find your own way. 

“I love the armory.” You hum, stretching your arms above your head so your stomach is exposed. 

Damn it, he’s not supposed to look.  

He snaps his eyes forward. 

“Remember the first time you took me there?” You purr, your fingers creeping up his metal arm. “You bent me over the table in the middle-“ 

“Stop.” Bucky clenches his jaw. His blood is simmering in his veins and he doesn’t want to remember that day, how fucking good you felt all wrapped around him, panting and crying out his name. 

Shit. 

“What will you give me?” You tease and his heart skips a beat in his chest. 

“To stop talking? An-“ he cuts off, knowing he has to be careful with his words. “What do you want?” 

“A little contest.”  

There it is. 

He fucking walked right into it and didn’t even see it coming. 

“A contest?” He repeats. 

“Yeah. We’re going to be killing alien bad guys all day, might as well make it interesting. Whoever kills the most wins.” You shrug like it’s the simplest thing in the whole world. 

“And the winner gets what?” Bucky sighs. 

“Anything he or she may want. Within reason, obviously.” You amend and he knows you threw that in for his benefit.  

Once you win, and he has no doubt you will, you know he’ll be putty in your talented hands. He could just say no, walk away and that’s the end of it. He opens his mouth to say those little words, but what comes out is so fucked up, he can’t believe his brain actually allowed it. 

“You’re on. May the best man win.” Bucky says confidently, already hating his life. 

“I’m sure you will.” You purr, rising up on your tiptoes, kissing his cheek and opening the door to the armory. 

How the fuck did he end up walking you here? The silver table in the middle is empty, so very empty. He knows where the camera switches are, he could easily disable them and show you once and for all just how dangerous it is for you two to be together, just like he tried showing you that first day in the very same room. 

But it’s like you have no sense of fear or self- preservation. He’s not sure if he loves that about you, or if it terrifies him. He watches you walk into the room and you slide up onto the table, lithe and graceful like a cat and god damn it, he has to walk away before he bends you over it again.  

He marches off to find Steve. What the fuck was he thinking? Inviting you here? He could just punch him in his perfect stupid face.  

“Rogers!” He shouts, spotting his friend up ahead. 

“Shit.” He hears Steve mutter, but the big blond knows he’s been caught. “Hey, buddy.” Steve smiles widely. 

“Why her?” Bucky demands. 

“Because next to you, she’s the best. And I need the best for this.” Steve says calmly. “You’re both adults, you can get along.”  

“You don’t understand-“ 

“Buck, it’s done. I’m sorry but I can’t back down on this. You’re just gonna have to deal with it. Now, I have to go see Natasha. Go play nice.” Steve turns Bucky around and pushes him back to the armory.  

“Jerk,” Bucky mutters. 

“I heard that, punk,” Steve calls over his shoulder.  

Bucky grumbles under his breath and heads back to the armory, his stomach churning into nervous knots. He hates that you make him feel this way and he hates how much he still likes you.  

He enters the armory to see you sitting on the table. You’re leaning back, swinging your shapely legs, eyes closed like you’re soaking up rays at the beach. 

“I miss your cologne.” You sigh as he enters.  

He grabs a duffle bag, loading his ammo of choice. He’s determined to ignore you, to keep his head on straight. He hears you slide off the table, the creaking bringing back memories and he squeezes his eyes shut. 

You step up behind him, your slender arms wrapping around his waist and shit, if you don’t fit perfectly. You seem to mold to him from any angle and he shouldn’t like that as much as he does. 

“Stop.” He huffs, grabbing your wrists. 

“I miss you.” You hum against his back, your fingers curling into his shirt.  

“Y/N,”  

“No one can ever treat me the way you do. They don’t even come close.” You moan, burying your face in his shoulder. Your nails dig into his skin and god help him, he loves the sting of it.  He shakes his head, pulling your hands away from his body. 

“Where’s your rifle?” He snaps, moving away. He can feel the scratches you’ve left under his shirt. 

“The cabinet is locked.” You pout. He sighs and pulls out his keys, unlocking the rifle cabinet. You hover behind him, a grin spreading wide across your beautiful face. "Oh, look at these sweet babies!” You gasp, pushing past him and pulling out his rifle. He takes it from your hands, a scowl crossing his face. 

This is the problem with you, no sense of propriety. “Can you please stop talking about assault rifles like they’re puppies?" 

“How many can I have?” You beg, turning to him and grabbing his shirt. 

“You can only use one at a time, babe.” He says, the pet name slipping out before he can stop himself. You don’t even argue and he knows he’s gonna regret that. 

“I think I’ll go with the ArmaLite AR-50.” You say, lifting the massive thing out of its holding bracket. 

“Are you kidding? That thing’s a cannon! Look at the fluted end.” Bucky scoffs. 

“That end minimizes the recoil.” You say pointedly, but setting it back in its brackets. “You’re thinking too much about stealth. This mission isn’t about stealth, it’s about defending a city.” 

“That’s a fair point. Well, what about the Barrett Model 98B?” 

“The Bravo? Yeah, I like that one.” You lift it up and brace it against your shoulder. “Yeah, I like the way this one fits.” You say with a look at him. 

“Don’t go there.” He turns his back on you, just as difficult this time as it was when he said goodbye to you the first time.  

“Why?” You snap and he turns around. “I don’t get it, Bucky. I let you go before, thinking you’d get over your little tantrum and come back to me. You know it’s the right thing. But it’s been months. You can’t tell me you don’t miss me. No one can understand like me. Even Steve can’t.” 

Bucky clenches his jaw, working the muscles there as he struggles to maintain some sort of semblance of control. He can feel it disintegrating as you speak. He knows you’re right, fuck, he knows it. It sits heavy in his chest, prickling at his nerves. And he can’t deny it anymore. It was easy to pretend he didn’t care, that he was mad at you while you weren’t here in front of him.  

Fuck it. 

He sets his rifle down at moves to the door. He hears you sigh loudly as he locks the door, disabling the cameras at the same time. He turns back to you and you’re right in front of him. 

“Coward. You can’t even admit the truth to yourself!” You shove him back a step. Something inside him snaps, as it always does when you fight him. He shoves you back against the cage and, not giving you a chance to recover, kisses you. His lips are harsh and hungry against yours as he grabs your arms, keeping you in place. He growls low in his chest as you kiss him back fiercely.  

You tug against his shirt, pull it off over his head, breaking the kiss for a split second. More clothes are discarded, your hands pull at his hair and he grips your thighs, lifting you up easily. You wrap your legs around his hips as he sets you on the table, kissing down your neck. One of your hands is braced against the cold table and the other is knotted in his hair.  

You breathe heavily in his ear and the sound drives him crazy. He was stupid to think he could just walk away from you. He pulls you off the table and spins you around. Your hands brace against the table, your bare ass pushing back against him.  

“Such a tease.” He snarls, pushing on the back of your neck and bending you over the metal table. He gently kicks your feet apart and lines his throbbing cock up with your slit. You bend your arm behind your back, grasping for his hand.  He laces his fingers with yours and slams home. The table creaks loudly and you moan, arching back off the table. Damn it, you’re still so tight and fit perfectly around him. He holds still for a moment, adjusting to your grip and giving you a chance to adjust. You squeeze his hand, ready to keep going. He pulls his hips back and snaps forward, bottoming out. 

You groan, resting your cheek on the table. He picks up speed, thrusting faster and faster. Your tight, silken walls spasm around him and he groans. 

Fuck, you feel so good. A perfect fit.  

“Harder.” You gasp, squeezing his hand hard.  

Just like him, you like the pain, need it even.  

He leans forward a little, his other hand fisting in your hair and pulling your head back. Your soft moans drive him insane.  

The rest of the time you’re loud and brash and crazy, but here, despite the aggression between you, in this intimate moment-you’re soft and quiet. He could spend the rest of forever trying to figure you out and it still won’t be long enough. He growls quietly, a menacing sound and you clamp down around his cock, your mouth parted, breaths fogging up the metal table. 

“Bucky,” You whisper, your nails digging into the flesh of his hand.  

You’re close, he can feel it as you tremble around him. He switches up his rhythm, hard and deep, fast and hard.  

Your entire body locks into place, muscles tensing as your legs shake, barely supporting you. Your breathing stops and you squeeze your eyes shut. Your cunt walls feel like they’re trying to force his member out, searing pleasure racing up his spine and burning across his chest.  

He slams in, hilting inside you completely, his own orgasm rocking through him. His breathing is heavy as he hovers over you. He guides your arm back around under you and you clutch his hand to your chest.  

After a few minutes, you both come down enough for him to pull out of you.  

“Contest is called off, right?” Bucky asks, scooping up your bra. You laugh, taking it from him. 

“Afraid you’ll lose?” You tease, retrieving your various clothes.  

“Definitely. You’re way more competitive.” Bucky smirks, pulling on his pants. 

“We were designed to be killing machines, sometimes the only way to survive is to make a game out of it.” You lean against his chest and press a kiss to his lips. “That’s something you always had a problem with. You have such a big soul.” You sigh, pulling your shirt on. 

“You have a soul, too, you know.” 

“Agree to disagree.” You shrug, gesturing to the door.  

He grabs his bag and rifle with a huff and unlocks the door. He walks out to the hangar, feeling annoyed at you.  

How can you say you don’t have a soul? He knows you don’t believe that, but after everything you both had been through, you just found it easier to shut out your emotions, even your relationship with him never felt... true. You were just having fun with him. He was crazy about you, and you just toyed with him.  He marches onto the aircraft to find Steve and Natasha chatting at the front. 

“You two work it out?” Steve asks. 

“We’ll be working it out when we're two hundred.” He rolls his eyes. “Are we ready?” 

“Almost. Tony, Rhodey and the others will meet us on site.” Steve says as you and Sam come on board.  

Bucky avoids looking at you, settling into the pilot’s seat. Natasha takes her seat next to him, getting ready. He likes Nat, there’s an easy familiarity between them, both having such strong Russian influences in their lives. 

“Who’s your friend?” She asks quietly.  

Bucky glances over his shoulder at you; you’re watching him with Nat, and you don’t look pleased. “An old friend. We were in Siberia together.” 

“I didn’t think any of the others survived.” 

“She was out of cryo at the time.” Steve approaches them and rests his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. While he and Nat had been talking, a squadron of T’Challa’s warriors had boarded along with the king himself.  

“We’re ready,” Steve says. Bucky and Natasha ready for take-off. 

“Wish we could fit a couple of those rhinos on here,” Natasha says with a smirk and Bucky laughs. 

“Right? Where’s that shrinking guy when you need him?” 

“That would have been genius!” Nat punches him in the arm as they lift into the sky.  

It’s not long to the abandoned city way on the outskirts of Egypt. They park out of the way of the field, Bucky setting down gently.  

“When are you gonna help me find Rogers a girlfriend?” Natasha asks him as they get out of their seats. 

“I don’t think I’m the best one to help with that. People aren’t really my thing anymore.” 

“I dunno, Barnes. You’re still relatively charming.” Natasha winks as she heads for the exit ramp.  

Bucky rolls his eyes, following after her. He slings his rifle bag over his shoulder and is about to step down into the sand when you brush past him roughly. He watches you jog ahead, tilting his head. He catches up to you, knowing he’s going to regret this. 

“You okay? It’s a good thing to be nervous. Or, so they tell me.” He starts and you don’t reply. Not even a chuckle. “Y/N,” he starts, grabbing your arm.  

You shrug him off, not even looking in his direction. “I’m fine, Buck. No nerves here. Just the heartless bitch.” You say coldly, pulling ahead. He slows down, your rejection stings more than he would like to admit. But what he can’t figure out is why you’re acting like that in the first place.  

Steve stops in the center of the old square, tucking away his GPS. “This is the spot.” 

“How do you know?” You ask, falling next to him. 

“Two of our contacts figured it out. They’re good with this stuff.” He says. “I figure you and Bucky take positions on some of these taller buildings, Clint can find wherever he’s comfortable. We’ll take the ground. When Tony shows up, we’ll coordinate with them.”  

“You trust this guy?” You ask and there’s an underlying tone in your voice. Bucky feels like maybe you aren’t really asking about Tony. He still gets a knot in his stomach when Stark is mentioned. 

“As much as I trust Bucky. You two work it out who wants where.” Steve says with a slight nod to his best friend. Bucky glances at the tallest building, already crumbling from the raging winds and sand and heads off for that direction, you knock shoulders with him, heading the same way. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Bucky snaps. 

“Heading for my spot.” You snap back, gesturing for his building. 

“That’s my position. Go pick a different one.” He pushes you away.  

You stiffen and punch him in the arm. “That’s a better spot for me. You go find a different one.” You demand.  

“Bucky.” Natasha comes in over the earpieces. “Look to your right.” She says and you glare at the redhead across the plaza. 

“Why?” You grumble, but Bucky looks and grins. 

“Oh, good eye, Romanoff.” He says, moving behind you and off towards a better position for him. “You’re right, Y/N, that one has you written all over it.” He calls, heading for the new perch. His last sight is of you crossing your arms and scowling. He breaks down the door and makes his way up the tilting, winding staircases, his mind wandering to you. You seem to be extra difficult since take off. When he left you in the armory, you were still smiling and joking, but now you’re in a mood.  

He doesn’t ever know what to expect from you. 

He gets his rifle set up and swivels his scope over to where you are and checks you over. You seem to have gotten settled just fine. He flashes his scope and you reply. You’re good to go and his chest loosens slightly.  

“Stark’s here,” Steve says over the comms and Bucky is glad he’s already in the shadows.  

“Good. Because it’s starting.” Nat replies.  

Bucky aims his rifle towards the sky and the brilliant blue turns to a dark, angry purple. Lightning streaks across the sky, thunder clouds rumble, and the sky splits open, revealing a whole new sky, purple clouds, bright stars, and thousands of spaceships.  

Bucky’s stomach plummets and he looks over at you. A manic grin crosses your face and you look back at him. 

-.. --- -. -     ..-. --- .-. --. . -     -... . -

You flash your scope at him and he rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about the damn bet.” He mutters.  

“Holy shit.” 

“Parker! Watch your mouth, don’t make me tell May.” 

“Sorry, Mr. Stark.” There’s a moment of stillness as if the entire desert is holding its breath. The wind doesn’t blow, the sand doesn’t rattle against broken glass. The spaceships hover in the air for a count of thirty, Bucky counts them in his breaths. Then chaos breaks loose and Bucky doesn’t even have a moment to think. He burns through an entire box of ammo in ten minutes. You’re counting in his ear, racking up numbers, laughing so loud he can hear you across the square over the immense noise.  

All of Bucky’s friends, and maybe some not friends, are taking on their own battles. There’s plenty of enemies to spare and more coming with every second.  

He’s in the middle of dumping out a new box when he realizes he can’t remember when he heard your laugh last. What number had you been on? When did you stop counting out loud? He aims his scope over towards your post but he can’t see you. Your rifle is gone from the window and his heart slams to a stop in his chest. 

“Y/N?” He calls on the comms. He gives you a few seconds to reply, loading his rifle again. “Y/N, sound off.” He orders, sweeping his scope over his teammates. He takes out a few stragglers, hating that he’s actually keeping a mental record. Still no answer.  

He scans over your window again and sees you throw yourself out of the window, down the six stories to the sand and cobblestone below. His heart tumbles as the sparks of a pre-explosion catch his eye in the window above you. The actual explosion decimates the building and rubble falls down around everyone. 

“Did you need something, Barnes?” You ask with a smirk up towards him. He rolls his eyes and continues firing. 

“This isn’t gonna work. They’re just gonna keep coming unless we find a way to take them all out at once.” Tony says. 

“Anyone have a nuke handy?” Steve asks sarcastically. 

“Very funny,” Tony mutters.  

There’s no more conversation for a minute and then Bucky hears footsteps behind him. He turns, pistol already pulled out and aimed at Natasha. 

“Jesus, Nat.” He sighs, tucking it back in his holster. 

“I have an idea.” She says, coming over to him. 

“Oh yeah? On a scale of one to Australia, how dangerous are we talking?" He asks and she grins. 

“Well, you won’t like it, but your girlfriend might.” She gestures out the window and Bucky looks down to see you staring up at them, your face eerily calm.  

“Alright, let’s regroup with the others. Tell them your crazy plan.” He sighs, packing up his rifle. 

“So, she is your girlfriend?” Nat presses. 

“Not anymore. Let it go, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Bucky says, following her down. 

“You broke up with her, right?” She guesses. Bucky slings an arm around her shoulders. 

“Don’t worry about my relationship with Y/N and I’ll get everyone off your back about Banner.” He says quietly and she elbows him in the ribs. 

“Fine.”  

You, along with everyone else able to, gather in the square. “Okay, we’re here. What’s your big idea?” You snap, crossing your arms.  

“They all seem to be centered around that big blue ship. I bet if you take that one out, the rest will fall, like bees or ants.” 

“Didn’t realize you avidly studied bees.” You mutter and Bucky gives you a warning look. 

“Makes sense,” Steve mutters. “As much as anything else, I suppose. Who goes in?” 

“Me and Y/N,” Bucky says with a shrug.  

You snap your head over to look at him, your scowl getting bigger.  

“Why you two?” Tony asks accusingly. 

“It’s the most logical. We can do it easily. In and out, no big deal.” He shrugs again. 

“Fine. Go. How do you plan on getting up there?”  

“Leave that to us. You just keep them contained.” Bucky says, turning away. He can feel Nat’s eyes on him.  

“You know that’s a one-way trip.” She says quietly to him. 

“Yeah but maybe not for both of us.” He mutters, glancing back at you over his shoulder. 

“I’m gonna be pissed if you don’t come back. Who else is gonna play pranks on Sam with me?” She says quietly.  

He chuckles. “That last one was pretty good, wasn’t it?” 

“Any idea how you’re gonna get up there?” She asks. One of the hover crafts they use zooms by and Bucky suddenly has an idea. 

“Steve!” He calls, jogging over and grabbing your wrist along the way. “We’re gonna need a lift.” He says, nodding his head upward. Steve studies it for a minute before readying his shield. 

“You sure about this?” He asks. 

“Yeah. It’ll be fun.” Bucky lies. It’s not going to be fun, but it will be worth it to keep you at least somewhat safe. 

“You got it.” Steve shrugs and hefts his shield.  

Bucky doesn’t give you a choice, he pulls you onto his back and you tangle yourself around him with a huff in his ear. 

“Worst idea you’ve ever had.” You whisper, sending shivers down his spine. 

“Really? I thought you’d like it.” He grins, taking off at a run at Steve, leaping onto the shield at the same time that Steve pushes up. You cling right around his neck as he catches onto the bottom of a hovercraft. He grits his teeth as it pulls on his metal arm, the joint straining as he holds both your weights. He finds handholds and works his way back towards the end of the craft. 

“You good?” He calls over the roaring wind. 

“Good. Go faster.” You reply, gripping the front of his shirt. 

“Go faster.” He grumbles. “You carry two super soldiers on a flying car as it weaves around.” 

“I heard that.” You dig your nails in and he hisses. He hauls you both up onto the back and you climb over him, your boots digging into his back, his shoulders, his face. 

“Oh, I hate you.” He groans, heaving himself up and over.  

You’ve already kicked one off and you’re in the middle of fighting off the other one. You drag it away from the steering system and Bucky lets you handle it, slipping in front of the joysticks.  

“I thought I was driving!” You shout, ducking a swinging limb. 

“I’m a better driver!” He shouts back. 

“That’s a bald-faced lie!”  

“Remember Germany? ‘77! You drove us into a lake!” 

“I took a wrong turn!” You kick it over the edge and move next to him. 

“I distinctly remember you laughing!” He looks at you and you grin with a shrug. 

“It was fun.”  

He steers towards the big spaceship, flying low, hoping to avoid any kind of radar. He glides through a small opening and landing quickly off to the side. You leap over the side, not making any effort to hide or go unnoticed. 

“What way?” You ask, glancing at him. Your tone is cold. You’ve never spoken to him like that. 

“Are you okay?” He asks, taking your arm.  

You jerk it roughly out of his grasp, turning away from him. “I’m fine. Worry about yourself.” You snap. 

“Y/N, did I do something?” 

“No, you were predictably perfectly you.” You mutter, pulling out a small baton and flicking it down and out to the side. Silver metal plates link together to form a sleek, dangerous-looking Katana, your favorite weapon. It had been a gift from your previous Hydra handler, and as far as Bucky knows, you were the only Soldat to receive a gift, ever.  

“I don’t understand.” He says finally. He’s leading you down a series of tunnels, looking for something to tell him the way.  A door opens behind you and you shove your way inside, slamming behind you. Bucky tried to open the door, but it’s solidly locked, even his metal arm isn’t getting through. How can you be so reckless? He should be in there, having your back. That’s the whole point of being here together. Screeching noises and thuds of things hitting the walls are muffled as they come through the door and he has mental images of you slumped against the wall, one of the creatures towering over you, about to finish you off. The door hisses open and you step out, your katana and face covered in speckles of blood, guts, and gore. 

“What the fuck, Y/N? You can be so reckless.” 

You shove him back, your blade nicking his arm. “I don’t need your protection. I certainly didn’t ask for it. Just mind your own fucking business, Barnes. Stay out of my life!” You shout, taking off down the hallway.  

His heart crumples in his chest, feeling hollow like a useless tin can, but he follows you nonetheless, doing everything he can to keep you safe as you grow more and more reckless.  

You’re leading them further into the labyrinth, not heading for anything obviously useful. His stomach turns into knots, making him sick with each slice of your wicked blade. 

“Y/N, stop, we have to find a way to destroy the ship.” He says finally, trying to get you to listen.  

You’re beyond listening, your face a mask of rage and hatred. You clear out a room and Bucky glances inside, seeing something he can use to start a chain reaction. He darts inside and starts to quickly assemble a homemade bomb, quick and dirty. He can hear you outside, getting further down the hall and he knows he has to hurry. His heart is hammering in his chest as he messes up and has to start over. 

Finally, it’s done and he rushes out to find you. He just follows the trail of bodies to find you surrounded by at least seven of the towering beasts. Even at your best, you can’t handle that many at once.  

Without even thinking, he charges in, shooting the ones that he can. You cry out and he’s momentarily distracted, turning towards you to see you drop to one knee for just a moment.  

“Y/N!” He shouts, and then there’s a moment.  

Your eyes are on him and they widen slightly. He can’t hear any sounds at all, it’s like the volume has been turned off on the world. He’s sluggish, body reacting too slowly as he turns in front of him. A creature is there, a massive blade at the end of its arm. He can feel his body jolt on impact but there’s no pain.  

He doesn’t understand. There should be pain. His eyes slide slowly down the creature’s face, torso, to its arm embedded in his body. His feet aren’t even touching the floor, dangling in the air.  

He looks back up at it and suddenly, its head is gone. It crashes to its knees, jarring Bucky as his feet touch, but he still doesn’t feel any pain. And he can’t figure out what happened to its head. Then you’re there, tears streaming down your face as you cradle his head. 

“Bucky,”  

He can hear your voice again and he thinks it’s perfect this way. The one person he loves more than anything should be the last person he sees before he dies. The way it’s supposed to be. 

“I’m so sorry.” You gasp and he tries to take your hand but he’s holding something. 

The bomb. 

“Engines.” He mumbles, trying to hand it to you. 

“Bucky, please don’t leave me.” You cry and he smiles slightly. 

“I love you. I’ve always loved you.” His eyes flutter closed, but he wants to keep them open, to see your face until the very last second. “The engines. You need... to stop it... the assault...” he forces out, his breathing is shallow now. 

“I can’t leave you.” You plead and he struggles to find your hand.  

“For me? A last request.” He manages a weak chuckle.  

“You’re not dying. You can’t die.” You demand. 

“We’ll discuss your terms after...” he trails off. “After all, you win the bet.” 

“After.” You repeat, pressing a kiss to his lips. “I love you, Bucky Barnes. Don’t you dare die on me or I’ll kill you myself.” 

His heart swells painfully in his chest. “You love me?” He repeats slowly. He’s waited for years for you to admit that.  

“You better still be alive when I get back.” You warn and he can’t help the smile on his face. 

“Yes, ma’am.” He says tiredly. He’s so tired. He feels the pressure of your hand on his, a squeeze and then you’re gone.

 *** 

Your heart is breaking slowly in your chest, like someone tearing strips of paper just to listen to the riiiip. You had been so stupid, so careless, just wanting to die at seeing Bucky, your Bucky, flirting with that red-headed tramp. Then he has the nerve to bring you up here on this suicide mission and you could just throttle him.  

You were pissed and hurt and looking for any reason to get away from him, maybe get a little injured so he would be worried about you instead. But your half-baked idea backfired big time and now Bucky is dying.  

Dying. 

And it’s all your fault. A sob racks through your chest as you find the engine room. You take out the creature in the back easily and set up the bomb. Damn, he’s good. He left a port to attach it to as many charges as you can find or make. You rush around, grabbing things you would need, rigging up extra explosives to all the engine blocks.  

Finally done, you run back over to the original one and look at how to set it up. Thankfully, he had installed a timer.  

Unfortunately, he had set it for five minutes.  

It had taken you ten just to get here. 

“Oh, I could just kill you for getting hurt.” You mutter. You have no choice but to set the timer. Before the first second even ticks off, you’re bolting back to the hallway where you left Bucky. Your muscles are burning as you push them faster than you’ve ever had to before.  

You might be super, but it’s still painful. You round the corner and see Bucky still there and you sigh with relief. You slid next to him and take his hand. 

“Bucky?” You gasp. Your chest is painfully tight as you struggle to catch your breath. He doesn’t answer you and you freeze. None of your training prepared you for this. You weren’t ever designed to feel this way. You tentatively reach and hand out, checking for a pulse. Your hand is trembling and you force yourself to stay calm. Panicking won’t do him any good.  

You feel a pulse, it’s weak, but it’s there. You only have a minute to get him away.  

“Bucky? Can you help at all?” You ask, standing back up and tugging on his arm.  He doesn’t respond and your heart sinks. You’re never gonna make it. It’s too far, he’s too heavy, you’re too tired.  

You could just stay here with him, let this be the end. He’s almost there, you know you can’t do this in this world without him. Just let there be peace for you two at last.  

But what about Steve? His best friend that went through hell and back several times to save Bucky? Could you really do that to Steve? Bucky’s still alive, and so are you. So you’re going to live. You heave on his arm and support his as best you can. 

Shit, he weighs a ton. It never feels like this much when he’s on top of you. You’ve nearly made it back to your stolen ship when you feel something sharp in your side. You stumble, losing your grip on him as pain blooms up your side. You look down to see a slit. It matches Bucky’s but smaller. You glance behind you as your knees give out just in time. A blade whistles over your head as a creature stands over you.  

You don’t have time for this. You pull out your handgun and shoot, aiming for what looks like the face. It goes down and doesn’t move. With a groan you get back to your feet, pulling Bucky with you. Just a little further. A little longer and Steve can save him.  

Steve always saves him.  

You shove Bucky over the side of the stolen craft, letting him sprawl on the floor. You can feel the explosions vibrating through the ship, ripping metal apart.  

You pull yourself up and struggle to turn the hover around. How had he made this look so easy? You bump into another craft, a wall, some columns, and a dozen creatures before making your way out of the exit. You don’t have time to think, you’re running on pure adrenaline. You know as soon as you stop, you’re gonna crash. The analytical side of your brain knows you’re losing too much blood, but your body just keeps pumping it.  

The shockwaves from the explosions shake your hover as you rocket back to the desert, the rip in space closing fast.  

Looks like the redhead was right, this was the mother ship. It doesn’t make you like her any more.  

You try not to crash the craft, but it’s like steering a refrigerator. One explosion of sand later, you’re flying through the air, tumbling into the earth.  

“Son of a bitch.” You hear Steve mutter, heading for you. You can’t see him with all the sand in your eyes, but you point in the direction you think the craft is in. 

“Get Bucky.” You say, knowing he’ll hear you. You carefully brush the sand out of your eyes and eyelashes, before trudging yourself to your feet.  

“What happened to him?” Steve snaps as he and a guy with wings struggle to lift him out. 

“It’s my fault, I went ahead, he tried to save me.” You stammer. You know Steve deserves the full story, but you’re so tired. 

“He didn’t want you here,” Steve mutters as they carry him onto the ship. The redhead is there, helping. “I should have listened to him. I should never have forced him to work with you.” He says harshly, pushing you out of the way of the platform.  

His words are like a knife in your chest. You know he’s right, Bucky hadn’t wanted you around, but you were so selfish and so one-track-minded that you didn’t care about what he wanted.  

“I’m sorry, Steve.” You say quietly.  

“You’re damn right you are.” He snaps. “Nat, take us home.” He says to the redhead. The platform door closes in front of your face and someone pulls you back gently out of the way as it takes off.  

“He will forgive, as soon as Barnes is okay.” A man says in your ear. His accent is African, the King of Wakanda. 

“Maybe I don’t deserve to be forgiven.” You mumble. “He should save it for someone with a soul.” You traipse back through the sand to retrieve Bucky’s rifle, ducking inside the building he had used for cover.  

If you close your eyes and pretend really hard, you can almost catch whiffs of his cologne. You know it’s not real, you know it’s all in your head, but it makes you feel better.  

Just like it had on those nights when Hydra fought so hard to break you. When you could hear his screams five floors down and couldn’t do a thing to help. Just like when you’d see him after a mission and he wouldn’t recognize you, the Soldat firmly back in place. You sink against the wall, sliding to the floor as tears slide down your face. You close your eyes, pressing his rifle against your face.  

Soldat, your Bucky, the man who got you through sixty years of a never-ending nightmare, and this is all you’ll ever have left of him. And so you cry. You cry in the privacy of the abandoned building. No one comes looking for you, you’re not even sure they saw where you went. Your heart shatters like broken glass as you realize Steve won’t ever trust you now, won’t ever let you near them.  

You’d be better off just letting it end here. Bucky knows how you feel, that’s enough. You need to let him move on with someone who isn’t crazy.  As long as it isn’t the redhead. 

Anyone but her. 

Your legs slide out and you can feel your pulse slow as your adrenaline runs out of gas. You close your eyes, finally able to see peace at the end of a very dark, very long tunnel. 

Okoye 

“How long are we going to let her mope?” She asks T’Challa. 

“She just needs some privacy.” He pulls another alien carcass to the pyre. 

“She’s been in there for twenty minutes, while we work!” 

“Some emotions take longer to work through, especially if they are unfamiliar.” He raises an eyebrow. “While we work? Okoye.” He tsks.  

“I am keeping my King safe.” Okoye grins.  

“If you are so worried, go get her,” T’Challa says, waving her away.  

Okoye scoffs and heads over to the building. She knocks respectfully as she pokes her head in, but you don’t look up.  

In fact, you don’t even move. Okoye’s pulse stutters as she realizes something is very wrong. She nudges you with her foot and that’s when she notices all the blood pooling under you. She curses silently to herself. 

“My King!” She shouts, kneeling down and checking for your pulse. It’s so weak she can barely feel it. T’Challa runs over, his brown eyes going wide. 

“She’s not-“ 

“Not yet, but soon.” 

“We need to get her back to Wakanda.” He says. 

“I’ll take her,” Stark says. How he appeared behind them unnoticed will forever remain a mystery to Okoye. 

“You can carry her?” Okoye asks doubtfully. 

“Should be no problem.” He scoops you up, Bucky’s rifle slipping out of your fingers.  

“Just a moment,” T’Challa says, removing two beads from his bracelet and pressing them into your wounds. “That will stabilize her for the flight.”  

Tony backs out of the doorway and takes off into the sky. Okoye looks at her king with a frown. “Why wouldn’t she say something?” She asks. 

“Maybe she didn’t know?” He shrugs and walks back to continue cleaning up. 

Bucky 

He slowly becomes aware of noises around him before his eyes open. He doesn’t want to open them at all. He was having the best dream he’s ever had and who would want to wake up from that? You had been over him, your hands so soft and gentle on his face. He was prepared to say goodbye, to let you move on as he floated somewhere, but then you told him you loved him and he didn’t want to leave.  

He wanted to stay in this dream forever, here with you.  

“Are you gonna tell him?” He hears hushed whispers somewhere far away. 

 “Are you kidding? He’d kill me. It would break him.” Comes the reply. It takes him a long time to realize that he knows those voices. 

Sam has spoken first, then Steve. 

“He loved her and now she’s... she’s just gone. How am I gonna break that news to him?” Steve says. 

Gone?  

Are they talking about you? Steve’s tone sounds so final. 

No. 

No!  

You can’t be dead.  

His chest hurts. He can’t breathe. His eyes fly open as he grabs his chest, feeling like his muscles are seizing up. 

Heart attack. 

Good, if you’re dead he doesn’t want to be here anymore. It was supposed to be him that didn’t survive, not you. You deserved a chance. 

“Shit, he’s awake.” Steve curses and there’s a commotion. “Bucky! Breathe.” 

He gasps in air, but his chest feels like it’s caving in. Steve grasps his hand, squeezing it just like you had, but for a different reason. 

“Buck, come on, man.”  

“Y/N-“ Bucky chokes. 

“She left, she’s gone,” Steve says. 

“Alive?” 

“Very much so.” Steve sighs. “I’m sorry, Buck. I didn’t want you to find out like this.” 

Bucky feels his chest ease, but only slightly. He still needs to see you, to feel you in his arms. He finally looks around him, realizing he’s in a hospital wing. “How did I get here?” He closes his eyes, the memories flooding back. “She did it. She set off the bomb.” 

“Yeah. She did it, and got you both home.” Steve grumbles. 

“Where is she? I wanna see her” 

“She left, two days ago. As soon as she found out you were gonna be okay, and after she healed.” 

“Healed? She was injured?” Bucky sits up straight, ignoring the dull throb in his midsection.  

“Easy, she’s fine now.” 

“Steve, please? You told me to work it out. I have.” 

Steve is silent for a few minutes, eyes closed, head hanging while he did some deep breathing. “Okay, where would she go?” 

“How long before we can leave?” 

“You need at least two days before you can get the all-clear. I won’t allow less than that. You were nearly cut in half.” 

Bucky rolls his eyes. “I fell down a mountain. I’m pretty sure we can survive anything.” 

Sam gives a low chuckle. “I see why you two are friends now. I get it.” He grins. “Makes perfect sense.” 

“Anything I can get you in the meantime?” 

“Morse transmitter. An old one.” Bucky says instantly. He has a sickening feeling as to where you’d go and he wants to get you out of there as quick as possible.  

It takes Steve forever to find the transmitter and even longer for Bucky to set it up. “Where did you find this dinosaur?” Bucky asks, climbing carefully out of bed despite Steve’s protests. 

“I’m not telling. You’ll just laugh at me. Just do what you have to do. We’ll leave tomorrow afternoon.” Steve leaves him to it, giving him privacy. He finds the right dial, his heart hammering in his chest. 

“Y/N, I know you’re there.” He taps out. He gives it a moment for you to reply, but he gets nothing but silence back. “Come on, answer me.” He grumbles, rubbing his forehead.  

“Fine. Don’t answer. You won’t like the consequences.” He sends, pushing the machine away. His heart is sinking but he knows he can find you. 

*** 

“Shit. It’s fucking cold.” Steve’s teeth are chattering. 

“You get used to it,” Bucky says darkly. He jumps down from the snow tank, his landing making little puffs of snow.  

“You’re sure she’s here? She never answered.” Steve says. His nose and cheeks are red from the bitter cold, but to Bucky, it’s painfully familiar.  

The way the wind bites into his skin, the cold leeches the heat from his joints and his metal arm aches where steel meets flesh. But the cold fresh air feels good, giving him some clarity. He’s been worried sick about you, about what he’d find when he finally makes it home to Siberia. Would you have healed from your injury? Or did you bleed out on the cold abandoned floors of your nightmare?  

He forces himself to be smart, you would have booby-trapped the place to ensure you remained alone. He eases the heavy metal door open, catching the tripwire you have just inside. He disables it and moves on. Steve smartly stays behind him, letting the person who knows you best deal with it.  

Twenty minutes later, he’s disabled at least fifteen intricately designed traps and saved Steve at least twice. 

“Where are we going?” Steve whispers and it sounds so loud in the silence. 

“Officer’s quarters. Always the nicest. No speaking from here on out. And watch where you put your feet.”  

Moving forward is slow when he has to stop and disable traps every five feet. Finally, he disables the last one outside the biggest room. He can hear water running inside, you’re in the private showers. He vividly remembers the man who lived here. He always paid special attention to you and even back then it would make Bucky sick to see anyone touching you that way. And the fact that you chose this room over all the others pisses him off.  

He motions for Steve to stay outside as he picks the lock. He moves silently across the room, he can see the steam billowing from under the door. He eases the door open, the heat washes over him, filled with your scent and his blood boils.  

You have your back to him, clearly, you haven’t gotten in yet. Your pants are still on, you’ve pulled off your shirt and are examining your wound. The scar is ugly, jagged and red.  

“Ow, fuck.” You hiss as he props his shoulder against the door frame. He watches you for a minute, relieved that you’re alive and okay. But then he’s pissed that you left. 

“I’m hurt that you didn’t even wait for me to wake up before you left.” He says and you visibly jump, falling into the sink as you whirl around, covering your bare chest.  

“Bucky!” You shout, slamming your hands down against your thighs. 

“Really offended.” He repeats, his eyes trailing over you. “Especially now that I know you’re okay.” 

“Yeah, well. Your best friend made it pretty clear I wasn’t welcome.” You shrug, rubbing your arm. 

“He was just pissed. He’s over that now. Come here.” He holds out his hand for you. You, however, don’t step closer. 

“He was right, Bucky. I’ve messed up everything for you. I almost got you killed. He was right to be mad.” You say quietly. “I bet he wasn’t even very happy that you came here to get me. Or did you sneak out?” 

“He’s outside, actually. Now, get over here.” He demands, pushing himself off the frame.  

“Bucky,” You sigh.  

He grabs your wrist and pulls you gently against him. “So, while we were on the spaceship, I told you I loved you. And I think I fell asleep because in my dream you said it back and I just have to ask,” 

“I love you, you beautiful idiot. Shut up and kiss me.” You grumble and he grins, his heart feeling lighter than it has in 75 years.  

He wraps his arms around you and picks you up, kissing you deeply. He will never get over the feel of your lips on his. He knows now he was stupid to ever think he could just walk away from you.  

He will never make that mistake again. 

“Marry me.” He whispers, breaking away and pressing his forehead against yours.  

“You’re crazy.” 

“No. You were right. We make sense, we’re perfect together, meant to be. I won’t lose you again. I love you, I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you. Marry me.” 

“Finally.” You kiss him back and he grins against your mouth. 

“Is it safe to come in?” Steve calls from the hallway and Bucky laughs. 

“Yeah. You’re good, Steve.” He pokes his head in the door and smiles tentatively. 

“Hi, Y/N.” He says. 

“Hey, Steve.” 

“So, what’s the word? Staying here? Going home?” He asks, rubbing his hands together. Bucky looks down at you and you smile back up at him. 

“Let’s go home.” You say softly. 

Tags:@everythingisoverrated​ @dsakita​ @shreddedparchment​ @bitsandbobsandstuff​ @after-avenging-hours​ @alexblrus​ @thinkingsofamadwoman​ @i-dont-want-to-be-called​ @thefridgeismybestie​ @fortheloveofallthatsholy​ @crazychaotic​ @pleasureoftheguiltiestvariety​ @redstarstan​ @septic-boye​ @justreadingfics​ @themistsofmyavalon​ @sebastianstanslefteyebrow​ @wkemeup​ @thiccbinch​ @glide-thru​ @moli1497​ @ellaenchanted91​ @part-time-patronus​ @janeyboo​ @jensensjaredsandmishaslover​ @thirstybitchqueen​ @xxloki81xx​ @uncledaddykelbo