#personally i dont like it but im out of ideas at the moment and its one of the few things that has stayed constant in this story | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ilynpilled · 3 months

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jaime turning women down constantly more bc he is very monogamous and in love with someone else right now for the first time and is also kinda scared of actually having sex with someone other than cersei is sm better to me than “i respect the kg vows of chastity so intensely rn actually because i changed into a good and serious person” or whatever lol

#i truly dgaf about that bffr jaime dude #like its a stupid vow that says nothing about u as a person lmfao #him in the bath with pia thinking of brienne like u r not fooling anybody honestly #like i truly do think its more copium and not being honest with himself tbfh #like he had a rationalization when pia came into his bed in asos too but then it was purely ‘i only love cers i would never’#and with cat it was so funny when he bluffing and was like uh i cant marry bc of my vows but i could still service u😉😉#he would have pissed himself if he was called on that bluff but only bc he would be cheating on cers and have sex with another woman #man that fucked his twins in a sept next to his sons dead body the moment he returned caring about chastity vows #his development isnt really about keeping every vow ever when most of it is fraudery anyway #like pls he is not keeping his vow to his king rn really 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i think the vows and respecting them has a deeper meaning thats the whole point which ones do u keep and prioritize and why #like weve been thru this 80x being a real vowhead is not what makes u a good person 😭#deleting ur individuality and personal life to be an honorpillhead lol #the vow to cat has meaning the elite bodyguard vow to never fuck has zero meaning 😭#he was ready to break the no marriage vow w cers pls #im not saying this bc of a shipper endgame in mind i find volcel jaime hilarious its just i dont like it as proof of his development #like ill be real guys sex positive warrior gurm is not pushing the idea that keeping ur chastity vows is what honor is about #like i get that he wants to be better and he is figuring out what that really means but

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drawnfamiliarfaces · 6 months

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i... wrote a smol fic (っ´▽`*)っ

also!!!!! If you haven't seen it - shoutout to first ever published fic in Ninja Showdown/My Immortal Soul tags - Lustrous Red by @missadmyre !!!

#ninja showdown #my immortal soul #first ninja x chase young #rc9gn first ninja #first ninja #rc9gn #chase young #xiaolin showdown #randy cunningham 9th grade ninja #rc9gn plop plop #well i say smol fic.... but those 4k words felt very long.#i did say i was going to direct my energy into writing >.> and now look at me ive gone insane #no actually dont look at me im just gonna go cry over my 20k words of rough drafts for like dozen ideas that are now going #to haunt my every waking moment like JESUS i woke up today and literally wrote out 1k words of an idea for a modern au for those two TToTT #its literally an au where its a meet cute turned meet violent and first is randy's sorta dad and chase wants to adopt omi #not to mention a different AU where its an epic mystery adventure AAAAAAA someone heeeelppppp meeeee #also. its been a month but im still staring so intently at missadmyre's fic hoping for another crumb. like thank you sm for the food!!!!#ive literally been rereading it several times after i went insane about it on my main blog and im still slurping at it like a starved perso #Ive been collecting my ideas like a dragon but after reading that fic i was like: I WANT TO READ MORE FICS ABOUT THEM #but i dont wanna be a whiny baby&beg others and be annoying about it. So i put on my big person pants and was like f it WE R WRITINg NOW #so i dont care how bad my writing will be. we gonna be balling on those ideas and YES it doesnt make sense im just v rambly rn

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spoopdeedoop · 1 year

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shitty quality spidersona doodles i did to flesh them out a lil more since he got a pretty positive reaction!!!

they’re straying more into oc territory than sona and honestly i think thats chill

#sorry you can see the phone shadow im in a hotel room rn and they dont have a lamp :(#my art #spidersona #across the spiderverse #atsv #across the spiderverse fanart #into the spiderverse fanart #saffron spider #hope to god that name hasnt been taken yet #its still subject to change but i do like saffron spider for a bame #its just the right amount of cutesy #into the spiderverse #thanks for being so nice to them btw tumblr knew you guys were chill ^^#these doodles were for me to figure out his general idea and personality and it was very spur of the moment decisions #hence the whip note lol #spiderverse #spiderverse fanart

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waterfallofspace · 8 months

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For the first time in a while, I had myself a snz dream~

Sadly wasn't completely focused on the snz, but it was starring D/azai (feat. C/huuya as a supporting role) and man... I'm gonna be replaying it for days in my mind... >//<

All the surrounding details aren't important but... let's just say D/azai chose to be tied to a suspect, and have his loyal assistant C/huuya (who did not care for that title) place the cat in his lap, D/azai's eyes watering within seconds.

The results were... itchy <3 and through some wonderful ~dream logic~, each time D/azai let another powerful, desperate, itchy sneeze out, the chains he'd tied himself to the suspect with would pull tight, and the suspect would find himself crashing into D/azai, powers being stripped each time (something that, in this dream world, was highly unpleasant)

A lot of it was fairly dream logic-oriented, so the plot itself doesn't make a ton of sense, but the image of a hitching, smirking, sneezy D/azai, with an eye-rolling, cursing, but slightly concerned C/huuya... yeah that's gonna be on repeat for awhile~

#waterfalltalks #waterfalldreams #that's now a tag- i dont know if I'll have many to share but I'm gonna share this one #I just... they were SO well voiced you guys like- that was literally a key moment in the dream #where even in my subconcious i recognized “wow- those are well voiced. i wonder if he was REALLY sn--zing??”#why did i censor snz when i didnt in the post? no idea i got self conscious i think #since its so dream logicy i probably wont attempt to fic or wav it or anything #but i am gonna share it just incase anyone wants!#my dreams are always SO intricate and vivid so this was a chapter in what must have been like a 20 chapter dream #but it's still the ONLY one i care to replay and will be replaying for dayyysssss #i also usually find myself watching my dreams either AS one of the characters (not myself)#or just a third person spectator point of view (like this one) so in the dream i didnt react but #ohhhhh i definitely have thoughts now that im out of it <3

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quietwingsinthesky · 7 months

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at some point i am going to have to force even to go back and deal with donna & tentoo & rose & all and everything they ran away from. and that will probably involve them losing tentoo’s chameleon arch watch by giving it back to its rightful owner, whether she chooses to open it or not. and that is. not going to be a very fun or stable time for them.

#this part is v vague and fuzzy because i want to watch the rest of 12 & 13 and finish the doctor/donna specials before i set anything in #stone about it. but i think i need to rearrange some things in the timeline here vis a vis when the doctor is also forced to go back and #deal with his baggage.#i dont think 14 exists in even’s universe for this reason. and for the reason of tentoo kind of taking on his role? the human part of the #doctor who can stay with donna & with rose.#she’s also trans to me because i love trans!tentoo. her name is johanna. i think it’s pretty. i make a singular exception to my rule of #never changing characters names when i trans them.#but i think. what im getting at here is that this cant be a happy ending. not so cleanly. its more bittersweet.#like i think this version of the story. what i have so far. donna does remember. (tentoo doesn’t but that’s because she’s become her own #person. the doctor is who she came from but she isn’t just the doctor anymore.) and rose knows her doctor is out there and loves her but #she has her wife at home.#and even. oh even. you can’t hold onto a heart that’s not yours forever. you have to give it back.#this. i think. is a moment of respite and recovery for the doctor. and a really really low point for even. however this works out.#its not perfect but there’s kindness in it. and there’s a home to go back to. if they can bear it. both of them.#but like i said. this is all preliminary based on what i might play around with here. and how watching more of the show changes my ideas.#but i think. whatever revelations come in 13’s arc. i think in even’s universe they have to come after donna. i’ll find a way to make it #work.#but mostly right now the important thing is forcing even to give up the watch because why would i let them have one single comfort object <3 #dw oc

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coridallasmultipass · 24 days

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#hhhhhh reread the flashback chapter i wrote w d/dirk and just hooh boy i love it so much ugh #im tempted to post it on its own but i want to save that bomb of a scene for the middle of the larger fic its in #just ughhhhhhh i love everything about how i wrote d #im going nuts bc i have been working on it since like december? ish? but the past couple months have been hell for me personally #fuck like i remember going thru an entire calendar of movie release dates for that historical year and found the perfect spot #to where it accounts for historical events and events in canon and has its own special date and how the release of the movie...#...effects how d managed to make it a success and just #fuck man i researched the hell out of that and only had to put one anachronism to grease a moment in it #like #this fic is so big for me and i am so scared that i wont finish it bc i have so many things planned out for it and so many ...#...annotations i keep adding to modify things i wrote earlier in it (which is why im not publishing any of it yet)#i want to share it w the world so fucking badly but i keep getting amazing ideas to weave in from an earlier point i already wrote #cries lol #ughhh this is why im so tempted to post the flashback as a standalone chapter/separate posting #but #i wrote it to match a scene from both the previous and next chapter so i dont wanna ruin that either #fucking writers block man ahhhh wish my life wasnt shit rn bc i need to finish it #tag edit: i used the wrong spelling of affects earlier lol #but yeah ughhhh so frustrated w life rn i have such bigger problems going on rn but #rereading my fave chapter kinda just made my day at least lmao #personal #vent #kinda i guess #delete later / /#maybe idk lol #ShitPost.exe #like this wip is over 33k words and its probably not even halfway done in terms of event points i want to happen in it lmao fml #all bc i wanted to make one punchline happen which happened a long time ago before i wanted to write all that backstory into the fic

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toastsnaffler · 2 months

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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together #i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week #all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds #also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn #ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself #but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates #gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard #but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh #and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism #like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since #n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on #its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it #and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions #+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf #so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead #its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths #just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea #but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke #so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close #ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual #happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all #and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves #like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me #and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway #doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3 #but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately #but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that #.diaries #okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo

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carcarrot · 1 year

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i did tell you people i met a they might be giant right.

#I DONT THINK I DIDDDDDD like an insane person i left out one of the most bonkers moments of my california vacation #saying it now makes it seem like im making this up and the following story will seem made up but dude just trust me.#im fucking. ok sunday morning the morning of Thee Concert and i (used to waking up at 4-5 am) have been awake on and off since like 6 am #my friend? asleep.#now i enjoy waking up and falling back asleep for a couple of hours however by like 9:30 im starving i need BREAKFAST #like the very nice friend that i am i dont wake my friend up i let him sleep and leave him a message on my open laptop screen #because the fucking hotel room doesnt have a pad of paper?? so i leave my modern post it note of a message #saying that im going out for croissants and coffee #because im an idiot i severely misjudge how hot it's already gotten in los angeles in july #ive chosen to wear jeans (bad idea) and a long sleeve flowy black shirt (worse idea)#i also dont look my Greatest because my friend had been telling me dont wash ur hair before we curl it for the concert!!!#so this is my hair after flying in and everything the day before (It Needs To Be Washed)#im following google maps to the coffee place as i brave the streets of los angeles on a sunday morning #hollywood boulevard around the chinese theatre is insane btw. insane. but being from new york i am unfazed (well. a little fazed)#i am Sweating. its already gotta be 80 degrees. im also reaching critical hunger levels. but i continue on my journey #google maps leads me down a sidestreet and tells me to turn down some alley and im like well thats not right.#so i turn to go back the way i was headed and find another way to get to the coffee place #as i turn and head back up theres a guy going down this same block heading in my direction #i look at him and im like hey that guy kinda looks like oh my god it actually is him. mr john l of tmbg fame #and so i have a split second decision of like do i sayyyyyy something do i just ignore him while geeking out #somehow i decide to be bold and im just like gdjgmm hi excuse me i recognize you uh do you mind if i could get a photo #he was very nice and suggested we move into the shade and i took the photo trying to turn off google maps before i did #and i was like aa im seeing you in concert 2nite love your music thank u! and we went on our way.#i think i kinda like. stopped for a moment before i went on to the cafe and was like. that just happened??????? insane. but it gets better #i do finally get the coffees n croissants btw and get back to the hotel after melting in the heat #and my friend who likes tmbg better was losing his mind once i finally told him #so the following morning after our spars concert insanity we have breakfast at a diner and then head back to our hotel #and he's wearing a tmbg shirt he got and im in a spars shirt and as we're walking back a car horn honks near us #AND ITS BOTH THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS IN A CAR and they say hi and are like we like your shirts!#and my friend and i are like losing it but trying to be cool and like oh thabk you we loved your show hi! so theres my insane story

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sonknuxadow · 2 years

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i remember hearing that the writers for the sonic boom tv show said that shadow was a very difficult character to write because sega is so picky about how he should be portrayed and thats why they saved him for season finale episodes only. so he could still be in the show but they wouldnt have to go back and forth with sega about what they can and cant do with him as much as they would have if he was a main character. anyway maybe thats part of the reason theres no alternate shadows in sonic prime. because sega was annoying about it and the writers didnt feel like dealing with it lmao

#but then again part of what made it so hard i think is because sonic boom was a comedy show and sega didnt think #shadow should be a very funny character? or something like that? and while sonic prime does have its jokey moments #comedy isnt the main focus unlike sonic boom #so maybe it would be easier to get a lot of shadow screentime in sonic prime than it would be in sonic boom #and they planned for there to be no alternate shadows from the start? idk im just saying stuff #personally i dont really like the way shadow is written in sonic boom. like some of the jokes involving him are funny but #overall. that is NOT my friend shadow the hedgehog #so im hoping if the next sonic prime episodes have more shadow than the first batch #then he is Nothing like he was in sonic boom #currently i am still on the fence about prime shadow. like they at least gave him a reason to be mad this time #instead of just having him fight with sonic all the time for no reason. which is a good start. but im still unsure #since hes had so little screentime so far #and they also pulled the ''put shadow in a bunch of the promotional stuff only for him to barely be there at all'' thing Again #but. to be fair. we're only on episode 8 out of what. 24? theres plenty more time for him to make more appearances #see i am also very picky about how shadow should be portrayed but me and whoever is in charge of him rn have very different ideas #of what the Right portrayal of shadow is #so while shadow is one of my favorite characters. whenever i see hes gonna be in some new thing #im more concerned about if theyre gonna fuck everything up again than i am excited to see him

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botseeksbot · 1 year

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#need to get this out #oh the ideas i am cooking #M would quit the OSI at the start of s6 bc she would be reassigned so she said fuck this .#<- really have been thinking on this SgH personality and whatnot would so fit w her better than like his total character change #like the parental advice . the overstepping . the everything she would own that .#JVS i think would become the new vd in that i think they would just put his head where the BM's head was #and he gets a new frame so hes back to his old self but its slightly taller than how he used to be #torn between idea of R is hired by the OSI to revive him similar to vstein but i like the idea of JVS taking over vd because of what #that adds to TM arching him #i think it would play out like JVS kills VD in that moment and billy as a dr has to choose to save him via replacing VD -> JVS is alive now #world if s6 and s7 had more eps and s6 didnt have to be finished in s7 and then tossed aside bc it really felt like they just had those eps #there to finish off s6 #thing to think abt is the weirdness of JVS being alive again and how that affects the world i think the OSI would tell TV to keep it under #wraps for now so he is mostly kept inside the home and it pisses everyone off #my art #i almost feel like i need to tag my rewrite stuff sorry i love the women so much and also dont think brock is more boring than hatred so #im rewriting all that shit

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years

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...

#Jesus. just finished my interview. no idea how it went #i think it was much too rambling on my part and they asked almost exclusively sciency questions #ugh hopefully i didn't look like a completle moron. the guy was sorta inscrutable so no idea what he thought #and he was like hmm whats ur competition here? and i dont give a fuck abt competition and also it doesnt really matter #fuck. i should have said. it would b fine if they were doing the exact same project bc we would b evolving different strains and it would b #interesting if they evolved even the exact same traits. fuck #i think objectively i probably looked like someone who halfway knows what theyre doing without the specific knowledge #which is exactly true. like mother fuckers ive got a full time job to be overworked in. i dont have time to memorize details of every #pathway change in every desert cyano #uuuuugh its just annoying bc my brain doesnt work well in the moment. i need time to process and knit together an answer #so i wouldnt b surprised if i was ranked low. oh god i was told the interview was prob a formality unless it goes terribly #itll b real embarrassing if i dont get passed this stage now #whatever it was a bit chaotic on their end too bc one guy didnt show up until halfway thru so i kinda had to go back and say things twice #uuuuuuuuuuggh. well that kinda sucked. at least its done. out of my hands now.#i was getting too excited abt it anyway. this will reaffirm my: obviously im not gonna get it vibes #i mean thats what i get for trying to join a very competitive program. like i am not a competitive person #rip to my lab mate who im gonna whine at all day abt this. i have to meet him in less than an hour #welp. there r other schools. god i hope at least one of them accepts me #ugh i just think its kinda annoying they they want u to be perfectly qualified for things lol. like i would need someone to step thru the #lab process with me literally once or twice and then id be good to go #like maybe a couple hours of someones time to remind me. thats it. humans r adaptable #i can obviously carry out a project to its conclusion and i have a lot of passion. not that they asked. but yeah #oh well. i should have breakfast before i freeze in the desert all day #unrelated

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wheresmulder · 2 years

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This is way too personal for tumblr but I think I wanna leave my fiancé lmfao

#even typing this gives me anxiety lmao #ive never experienced 'cold feet' before but im guessing this is it #we were talking and they casually brought up getting the license soon and my whole body went cold #like. it felt like the beginning of a panic attack but it went away after a second so yeah lol im uhh not doing great #this sounds so ridiculous like why is this happening and why now all of a sudden literally out of nowhere #i dont know if i want to marry him. after all this time. what the fuck is happening to me the thought of being married used to feel like #security? but in that moment i felt like i was suffocating like in a literal physical sense like my throat closed up #and now every time ive thought about getting married since then my stomach immediately hurts #like i feel sick rn #this is insane to me #nothing has changed #what the fuck is this #they're my best friend as fucking trite as it sounds #i dont even want to leave him????????? i just #this all sounds so fucking stupid. i love them but the idea of making it legally binding has me in tears AND FOR WHAT ima fucking #ima fucking anarchist idgaf about the government or their paperwork so why does this suddenly feel like the worst decision i could make #im afraid if i talk to them if i tell him how i feel and how scared i am it will hurt him so much #the worst part is i think i know what im rly afraid of #and its like. its so bad i cant even post about it anonymously on the internet #i think im actually a rly bad person #i cant do this like i feel fucking paralyzed and everyone is treating me weird bc they know im freaking out #and i know theyre all talking about me trying to decide whats wrong and what to do #but i cant fucking tell them bc then they'll know #my sister my mom my friends even my brother in law is like 👀 and hes fucking oblivious so obvs my sister is talking to him about me #joe has no clue tho #i told him im spending the day w my friend so he wouldnt reach out but im hiding in my room tryin to decide #if this is rly just cold feet or what bc it seems a little fucking extreme like is this what ppl talk about #i wish it was cold feet #it's not #personal

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waywardsalt · 16 days

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tbh it is looking like bellum x linebeck confession chapter is gonna be around chapter 40

#like somewhere between 40 and 45 at least for this draft #i miiiight shorten things- try to merge some chapters bc yeah its slow burn but christ #bellum x linebeck fic #i might as well own rhat tag tbh. in hindsight kinda sucks that im tagging every fic post with it #might be worthwhile to change the tag at some point #anyways #salty talks #in other news edited some summaries today and i thiiiink #ive got a decent idea of how they figure out feelings?#in that bellum doesn’t necessarily have a romantic revelation its more of an oh shit i really like this guy #and linebeck is just yknow. a lil dense. doesnt realize for a bit that he think of bellum romantically bc it kinda just happens #he has a realization moment and spends like an hour thinking abt it and coming to that realization and then wait a bit to admit it #thats personally my experience with romantic love? i dont really notice that its happened and its kinda just a smooth like #transition into ‘hey do you wanna date?’#bc like. the feelings in this case are mutual and after fuckin. abt 40 chapters theyre pretty comfortable with each other

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puppmeo · 27 days

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Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody

#had someone's husband in my dms going on about how i want this bitch romantically and frankly if i hadn't been so busy crying i would've #actually thrown up . absolutely disgusting idea . vile even . horrid concept #anyway tldr im down a best friend because he didn't tell me anything i was doing was wrong after telling me that everything was okay and #then sent his husband after me to call me a creep that was obsessed with him that also apparently tried to make out w him #the same trip that my best friend of five years told me he hated having me in his hometown to see him graduate.#this was after i found out my cat had been murdered and mutilated and thrown in my granma's garden . that day happened to be my birthday #because my ma was kind enough to drive me and my lil brother down there to go see him graduate bc he was also supposed to move in w us the #month after . and he told me right after i got home that he 'didn't think it would be good for our relationship' and apparently #just didn't know how to tell me until a month before it was supposed to happen . bonkers times over here #anyway i didn't want to make out with him . he cried after i wouldn't have sex w him just last december . which i specifically got high as #shit to avoid . and i dont even have like. actual examples of what i was doing wrong to go off of so now i just get to live in mystery #forever ig. like shocker that the person that's been my best friend for five years would tell his husband to say that to me and not say that #shit to me himself . this is a wild to me . i feel like im going insane . can anybody even hear me what's going on #you know its bad when your mama gets so sick of you crying over a friend that she hugs you for the first time in years #also i cant sleep my head hurts . crying is evil . devils liquid . might watch rpdr or something . still nauseous over the idea of being #into him romantically btw . like still nauseous over that . like what a fucking insult to our entire friendship #does saying that we may as well have been made of the same atoms mean like . nothing . does nothing ive said to or about him not mean anythi #ng if its not romantic in nature . what did i do that wasnt enough for him. i fucking told him he outgrew me and that was fine i just #wanted to know if we were still friends or not and he said we were and i believed him. if he told me the sky was green i would make it so #ripping my hair out . am i being dramatic . am i the only person that wasn't expecting this . am i the only one that didn't know #when i had to tell people who knew about the moving plans that he changed his mind the first fucking thing i was told was “i thought it migh #t happen.“ WELL I FUCKINH DIDN'T . AND NOBODY TOLD ME #this is like . the second most humiliating moment of my life . aside from movinggate because at least nobody irl has to know about this #anyway . this boy could've taken my blood and i'd sit there and smile while he did it because he was my best friend .#i was so glad we got to grow up together. i miss him already. im taking my little brother to school my myself for the first time and all im #gonna wanna do is tell him about it . im tired . i want to sleep . im still so nauseous . did none of it mean anything just because ive #never and will never like him romantically. does that make everything less worthy somehow #i hope he never talks to me again. i dont think i could handle this again. he let is fucking husband say that shit to me. not him.#puppmeo misery

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tcypionate · 5 months

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the last time i actually was honest about my emotions to my mom she called me a selfish piece of shit and said i didnt know what suffering felt like because she has more trauma and ive found i internalized it despite my best efforts so now i can only be emotionally vulnerable on my semi-anonymous tumblr blog

#vent #so much of her issues are a result of trauma but also her unwillingness to even attempt at healing #because it's easier to offload everything onto her child than actually develop self awareness #im not allowed to have close friends because she's convinced the moment im not isolated ill start to hate her #i cant hang out with other people at all or she gets jealous #like im going insane but because im not actively suffering in the moment i cant convince myself this is bad #i cant even feel sad or angry because it comes with so much guilt so its better to just feel nothing at all #and like im so fucked. i have no other family that would ever help me. i dont have social skills. i dont have friends at all #and the idea of making friends sounds so exhausting because thats just 1 more person thats going to rely on me #i cant picture myself ever letting me be vulnerable around another person without feeling like a burden #and it all can be tracked back to my mom lol

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raksh-writes · 8 months

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I have the second of the worst exams ever tomorrow and I SHould be studying and making more notes for it rn, but instead I can barely focus bcs my brain's being squeezed into a pulp in my head with the migraine that's been inching on me since yesterday's evening. I hate it here ;_;

#personal #vent #Im wavering between trying to push through #and just going to bed for an hour or two #hoping that'd help enough so I can study in the evening #like - I can't even force myself to read anything rn #and I even printed some papers to at least not have to look at my monitor #but still all our notes are in a doc and some papers I only have photos of so #ughhhhh I dont know #I have moments when I feel mostly fine but then the headache/oversensitivity skyrockets and I can barely think #this is awful #if not for the anxiety nipping at my chest Id say fuck it and just rely on the notes we compiled as a group for tomorrow #its not like I'll have enough time to properly answer all those exam questions which is beyond ridiculous on its own #hope is I'll get the ones where I Do remember smth from the classes or have some of my own ideas/thoughts the prof apparently wants to read #does she really tho? no idea but I might just go fuck it and write whatever #ugh anyway I think Im gonna go lay down #and try to sort through/make more notes later in the evening #worst case scenario I'll have to retake the exam in a few weeks and risk dropping out oh well #it is what it is I guess

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