#i cant picture myself ever letting me be vulnerable around another person without feeling like a burden

[tcypionate]

the last time i actually was honest about my emotions to my mom she called me a selfish piece of shit and said i didnt know what suffering felt like because she has more trauma and ive found i internalized it despite my best efforts so now i can only be emotionally vulnerable on my semi-anonymous tumblr blog

[thequeenb]

Poppy x MC

I know what you are all thinking..How the hell did us two even start dating? Well i never said i dont like her she is just always irritating damn it. It all changed one starry night when we had our first kiss, at first everything was confusing but then everything made sense

Our little fights, our intense make-out sessions, our unexplainable anger, our big confession. That's how things were since day one and how could i complain? But everything have been so secretive that it made me question if this is even real anymore.

"Now you should leave darling, Chloe will be here at any minute" Poppy waves a hand dressing up and i frown trying to show no emotion. Maybe i thought we were something, who wouldn't to be honest? When i told her that i liked her i thought it was mutual but boy oh boy was i wrong?

I sigh as i pick up my stuff exiting the room. I don't dare to say any word because i know my sensitive side will take over. What's wrong with me? I shouldn't have said anything in the first place but for once i said yes to taking risks

I plug my airpods in playing Apocalypse by CAS, surprisingly it's her favourite song and you know me, how could i not melt for Queen Bee? I walk around the campus remembering all the times i pinned her against these walls kissing her until she couldn't breathe.

What's the point anyways? I don't want to be anyone's secret, does she feel ashamed to be with me? Who cares what this university says if you truly have feelings for someone? I sigh walking further into the campus, its past midnight and it seems that i am all alone lost in my thoughts

I open my phone clicking on Instagram and of course they uploaded a story. Poppy, Veronica and Chloe enjoying a bottle of Rosé what a blust, except you had steamy sex an hour ago on these sheets.

It was just a hookup wasn't it? This question takes over my mind that i dont notice Zoe walking towards me

"Girl i was worried! You didn't respond to my texts" she says wrapping her hands around me. I squeeze her tight needing comfort and she strokes my hair whispering "It is Poppy isn't it?"

I sigh pulling back, sitting on a nearby bench. Of course it's Poppy, her and her manipulative ways. Great in the sheets but strangers on the streets, how charming

"She kicked me out because the girls were coming over, she doesn't want anyone to know about us"

Zoe's eyes widen "Are you kidding who would keep this a secret?" She gestures at me and i chuckle, A+ for the effort Zo. And she is right, i shouldn't settle for less than i deserve

"You are right--"

"I can sense a but and i don't like it. If she wanted you truly why is she being so secretive? And don't start with the reputation bullshit" she places both of her hands on my cheeks wiping away the tears i didn't know i had

Aaaand there goes a bright light making me go blind "What the hell?" I cover my eyes and Zoe does the same

"Gosh these people have miserable lives" she rolls her eyes standing up "Get your cute butt up and let's go get some drinks shall we?"

I nod smiling thanking god i have my best friend by my side. Without her none of these situations would be handled right and oh well i find her veeeeery pretty if you ask me

___

I walk towards my class when a sudden buzz makes me stop my tracks. At first i thought its my ranking update but oh no its an update from The T

Hello loves,

I want to thank my amazing sources for blessing me with something interesting. Newbee has been trying to steal the crown months now and along the way everyone started to look at her like that heart eyes emoji. Yesterday our Queen to be was spotted getting closer to our one and only Zoe Wade. I am not surprised are you? They have been a dynamic duo since day one. #couplegoals

Here is an image of them last night, don't forget to 'awwww' everytime you see them

My congratulations to the cutest couple of Belvoire. Kisses, The T

Oh no, no no no this isn't good. If Poppy sees this she will.. actually she has no right to say anything. Despite that my heart starts racing at the thought of her reading this clearly false update. Aaaand there she is, across from me glaring at me with murderous eyes. Everyone looks at me whispering and its honestly very frustrating, trying to avoid the crowd all i focus on is getting on my class that until my phone buzz again

"Meet me behind the field" I froze reading what Poppy just sent me and my mind is drowning with all the possibilities. Did i just fuck up even this little something that we share? God damn this blog and fuck all these people that all they care about is juicy gossip.

Do i even have a choice? Poppy will try to confront me no matter what so i might as well skip class, i am sure Miss Kingsley will understand, right?

I see her standing against the wall as i approach closer. She is tapping her heel on the cement and honestly? I am a little scared

"Hello, fancy meeting you here" i say smiling trying not to look nervous

She doesn't answer instead she makes the most angry face i have ever seen shoving her phone in my face. I swear if that red angry emoji was an actual person that would be her right now.

"What is this bullshit?"

"Oh wow calm down is that why i am skipping class? To explain to you something I don't even have to?" I fold my arms looking at her dead in the eyes. I am not usually the person who will let her anger get the best of her but Poppy's behaviour hurt me so this time i just let it slide

For just a second she looks confused but then she regain her composure "Zoe? Are you serious? This girl is a wannabe, just because her mother has money she thinks--"

"Wow wow pause there. Not another word about Zoe" i place one finger against her lips and her breath catches. Jeez can't you not be horny for a second? I think to myself

"Why? Did i offend your girlfriend?" Her tone is ironic yet jealous and you know what? Jealous Poppy might be dangerous but she is also very sweet

"I am not in a relationship with her dumbass" i roll my eyes pulling slightly away from her

"But the photo--"

"Oh boo-hoo someone took a picture so what? Do you believe everything you see? She was fixing your mess because if you were clear towards me i wouldn't sit alone crying" these words escape my mouth without my consent and oh did i just admit how i feel?

Poppy looks stunned and actually speechless. Her eyes soften and i look away embarrassed "What do you mean?"

Yes what do i mean? I ask that question to myself all day and night. I have been trying to get her out of my mind but how could i? The way her perfume makes me dizzy, her soft kisses after each session, the way she looked at me like i am the only one in this world

"I don't know where we stand. You are so secretive that I start to believe this means nothing" i shrug trying not to let any form of vulnerability slip out

"Bea i- i thought i was clear. I mean i left you several hickeys on your neck--"

"Oh hold up! Do you really think hickeys mean we are dating?"

She nods and thats when i laugh. Oh wow this girl is really unique i swear "That still doesn't explain why you have been secretive"

Poppy sighs heavily, clearly uncomfortable by my question. At this point I don't care, all i want is to know if i waste my energy and emotions on someone who doesn't feel the same

"I am not good with words okay? I just didn't knew what to say or do to show you that i want us to be official"

Surprised i smile taking her hand in mine "You are cute when you are jealous"

"Oh shut up, you aren't that special" she smiles back and it makes my heart melt

That's Poppy. She isn't good with words nor know how to handle emotions. She was taught to be heartless and competitive and i can see why she is being that way. Her way of words are insults and in this relationship that's how we communicate

"Come here" she says pulling out her phone

Without another word she leans against me planting a kiss on my cheek. She snaps a photo and for a minute i think she will upload it, a girl can dream right? Oh wait a minute..is she actually doing it??

"What are you doing?" I ask looking over at her phone

"Uploading a picture. I want everyone to know that you belong to me" she is typing so fast i cant read what the caption says but then i get a notification

"Mine" it says with three heart emojis, thats so adorable i can't help but actually say awww out loud

"Well i didn't expect that but i like being yours" i say winking at her

We kiss and this time its different. The minute our lips touch i can feel my knees go weak. We kissed many times and you way ask, whats different now? Well now i am hers and only and my mind can rest now knowing i have a powerful amazing woman by my side.

Tag list: @lolimugly @origmansello @greatestflirt-hero @mvalentine @otakufangirl-12 @sugarplumpnhoneybun @princessstellaris @coldbatfriendroad @indecisive-choices @i-loveeveryone @kiara-36 @ognenniyvolk @somewillwin @it-lives-in-braidwood-manor @ghalind @sergeant-pepper-loves-choices @dibberdipper @justastranger-passing @nydeiri @simpforpoppy

[wistfulcynic]

Another Brick In The Wall: Chapter 8

a/n: Effusive thanks to @hollyethecurious for the artwork! I love it so much! Thanks also to everyone for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, and reblogging! I'm so pleased by the way people have been engaging with this story. Love you all xxx

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with.

Rating: T

Read it on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 and @resident-of-storybrooke

Chapter 8: 

Killian was out of school for a week, for a “mental health break” he called it with a chuckle, apparently a term he’d gotten from Dr Hopper. He saw the psychiatrist daily during this break and spent the rest of his time at the harbour with Liam, working on their boat, reading, playing his guitar, and talking with his brother about everything that had happened. 

“We’ve hashed it all out in excruciating detail,” he told Emma as they sat together in the boat’s cabin, she working on her college essays while he practiced a new song. “It’s such a relief to be able to really talk to Liam again. There was a time when we had no secrets between us. He showed me all the information he had collected on Milah and her situation. Apparently her divorce is almost finalised and next month she’s starting a job teaching English in Japan.” He smiled. “She’ll like that, a chance to travel. What she always wanted.” 

“Hmmmph,” said Emma, glaring at the screen of her laptop as she typed rapidly. 

“Swan,” he admonished, giving her a mock scowl as he strummed a chord at her. 

Emma slammed her hands down on the keyboard. “Killian, I just don’t know how you can be so forgiving after what she did to you.” 

He set the guitar aside and his expression became serious. “I have to be, don’t you see?” he asked, looking at her intently. “I can’t hold on to my anger or it will eat me alive. I didn’t even realise how angry I was until Dr Hopper helped me see it, and how by not acknowledging it, allowing myself to feel it, and then letting it go, I was only hurting myself. Besides, I did genuinely care about Milah, and I’m glad she’s finally in a place where she can be happy.” 

“Hmmmmph.” Emma concentrated on deleting the gibberish she’d produced by her attack on the keyboard.

“A place that doesn’t include me,” said Killian brightly, picking up the guitar again and plucking out a cheery tune. “That’s good, isn’t it Swan?”

“I suppose so,” she grumbled. “Though I’d still prefer if the place was dark and scary and full of nettles.” He laughed heartily at that and she couldn’t hold back an answering smile. “Hey, I’m nearly done with this, will you read it over and make sure it’s okay? Just check my grammar and punctuation and stuff.”

“Of course, love, though I’m sure it’s already brilliant.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freed from the weight of his worry and guilt, Killian gradually began to smile more easily, and his witty, teasing nature (“cheeky git,” Liam called him, his voice irritated but with a relief so profound it bordered on joy in his eyes) came more readily to the fore. When he returned to school the following Monday, he moved through the halls with a swagger that Emma had never seen on him before. Unlike the arrogant, bullying one that Neal always had Killian’s evoked a simple self-assurance that she had to concede looked really good on him. Despite how much emotional baggage he still had to work through he clearly wasn’t burdened by shame anymore, and equally clearly did not intend to take any crap from anyone. 

This made itself evident that morning when he shut his locker and turned towards his first class, only to find himself confronted by Felix and Rufio. 

“Really, chaps?” he said, raising an eyebrow at them. “You couldn’t even wait until after school so you could chuck me into the bins, like proper high school bullies?”

This mockery went clean over the other boys’ heads, and they continued to block his path, trying to look intimidating while also trying not to be intimidated by Killian’s calm demeanor and his amused expression. 

Felix, the sligtly cleverer of the two, suspected he was being laughed at but couldn’t put his finger on why. He didn’t like it. 

Bristling, he sneered at Killian. “Bet you think you’ve won,” he snarled. “Now that Neal’s in jail and out of the way. Now you can move in on Emma like you did on that—” he broke off as Killian stepped into his space. There wasn’t much difference in height between them, but somehow Felix had the impression of Killian towering over him, his face calm but his eyes darkly furious, and for once in his life he felt a stab of genuine fear. 

“I’m only going to say this once,” growled Killian in the new, lower register his voice had taken on more often of late, “So you’d better listen carefully. Your mate Neal is a criminal, and not even a good one. He’s in jail because he’s stupid, and that’s nothing to do with me. I have no doubt it’s where he’d always have ended up eventually. Bit of advice: If you’re going to steal confidential information, don’t take pictures of the evidence on your phone, and definitely don’t then show those pictures to the sheriff’s daughter. Neal got what he deserved. I now consider this matter closed, and if you or anyone else—” he raised his voice so that the rapidly assmbling crowd of onlookers could all hear, “—tries to take it any further, you will not care for the repercussions.” 

Felix wasn’t sure what “repercussions” were, but the hint of repressed violence in Killian’s manner made him keen not to find out. He had always been content to follow Neal, less out of respect for the other boy than a simple unwillingness to make a thing out of Neal’s belligerent insistence that he should be the one in charge, but he’d always sensed that there wasn’t much substance underneath Neal’s bluster. Killian however didn’t bluster. He simply stated facts, and Felix could tell that he was not the sort of person to make a threat he couldn’t back up with action. Perhaps it was time to step out of Neal’s shadow, thought Felix, and take over leadership of their little gang. He certainly couldn’t do a worse job of it than Neal had, and escalating a pointless conflict with a guy who looked prepared to fight dirty if necessary was much more Neal’s style than Felix’s. He nodded at Killian, and stepped back. Rufio looked surprised but followed his lead. 

Killian nodded back then transferred his glare to the crowd of onlookers, which had grown considerably in the past thirty seconds and now included Emma and Ruby, he could see out of the corner of his eye. “As for what you may have heard about me,” he said, loudly enough for all to hear. “It’s all true.” He smirked for a moment as a gasp went through the crowd, then his expression hardened. “It’s also no one’s business but mine, and those in whom I choose to confide. This is all I have to say on the subject. Now, if you’ll all excuse me I don’t wish to be late for class.” He slung his satchel over his shoulder and headed down the hall, turning his head briefly to shoot Emma a wink. People moved aside to let him pass and as soon as he had turned the corner furious whispering erupted in his wake. 

Ruby pursed her lips. “I may have underestimated him,” she remarked. 

Emma’s heart was pounding, a familiar occurrence where Killian was concerned, but this time it felt different. She’d been worried about how he would react to the ineveitable curiosity and questions from their classmates, but this smooth handling of a potentially explosive situation instead of calming her fears instead filled her with the wild desire to run after him, to fling herself into his arms and kiss them both breathless. 

“He’s just so wonderful,” she sighed, and Ruby laughed. 

“Down, girl,” she teased. “I’ll grant you this one’s worth your time, unlike the douchemaster general, but remember we’re in school. No one wants to see that.” 

Emma rolled her eyes and gave her friend a shove, but the butterflies continued rhumba-ing around her insides, this time accompanied by an odd, hollow sort of ache as she remembered her resolution not to pursue Killian anymore. She was now all but certain that she loved him, that beyond the hot, tingly sensation she always felt in his presence lay a profound devotion. She would do anything for him, sacrifice anything to give him what he needed, and that terrified her. For the first time in her life Emma felt vulnerable, exposed, as though her chest were torn open and her heart lain bare to the mercies of fate and one gorgeous, troubled boy. She hated it. Even knowing that Killian would never intentionally hurt her was no consolation when the truth was that he could hurt her simply by caring deeply for her as a friend. If that was all she could ever have from him she would take it, she knew, without pushing for more, but it would be a wound on her heart that would never heal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s a bully,” shrugged Killian at lunchtime, when Emma, this time accompanied by a very inquisitive Ruby, found him in the library. “Bullies are just cowards at their core, and cowards are easy to intimidate. He won’t do anything because he won’t want to call my bluff. I might not be able to back it up but he’ll be too scared to risk finding out.” 

“And what would you have done if he had called your bluff?” inquired Ruby. 

Killian shrugged again. “Probably got the shit kicked out of me.” 

“Would you have, though?” Ruby pressed, watching him through narrowed eyes.

He returned her stare with a look of wide-eyed innocence. “There were two of them to only one of me. Seems inevitable.” 

“Does it?” Ruby’s disbelief was almost palpable, and having fenced with Killian for months now Emma shared her friend’s suspicion that he was deliberately underplaying his fighting skills.

“Let’s hope we never have to find out,” said Killian with a small smile, in a tone of voice that made it clear he would answer no more questions on the subject. “I quite like my face arranged the way it is.” 

“It is a nice face,” said Ruby with a wolfish grin that widened as Killian’s ears turned pink. “But I didn’t come here just to flatter you. Victor asked me to ask you if he could have your phone number.”

“My number?” Killian blinked in surprise. 

“Yeah, there’s some concert in Portland and he doesn’t have anyone to go with and he thought you might be interested.” 

“Um, sure, I guess.” Killian rattled off the number and Ruby sent Victor a text. A minute later his phone buzzed and he looked at it, snorting as he read the message. “Bit of a wanker, your boyfriend,” he remarked to Ruby. 

“I don’t know what that is but I’m somehow sure that Victor is one,” smirked Ruby. “Is that gonna be a problem?”

“Not at all, I’m rather fond of wankers,” said Killian absently as he typed his reply. “My brother is one, after all.” His phone buzzed again almost instantly and he raised an eyebrow at what he read on it. 

“Ems, I think maybe we should leave the boys to their chat,” said Ruby, and as much as she hated to sacrifice free time with Killian, from the way he was fixated on his phone, his expression almost gleeful as he typed rapidly, Emma had to admit she was probably right. 

“Okay,” she said. “See you in class in a few minutes, Killian. And maybe hang out after school?”

“Hmmm? Oh, I have an appointment with Dr Hopper at four, but I can text you when I’m done.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him but his attention was back on his phone, so she followed Ruby out of the library trying not to feel too disgruntled. Killian should have other friends, she told herelf firmly, male ones who shared his interests. That was normal, and he could use some normal in his life right now.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, things at school settled back into a routine, albeit one that was markedly different than it had been. Neal had been officially arrested after David’s investigation, charged with burglary, theft, and theft of a medical record, and was facing up to five years in prison. His parents had put up their house as collateral to pay his bail, but weren’t allowing him to return to school. 

“Not much point when he’ll just go straight back to the slammer after he’s sentenced,” said Ruby viciously. “So much for that football scholarship he was so cocky about.”

Emma tried to find some compassion for Neal and what was basically the wreck and ruin of his future, but couldn’t dredge up a single particle of it. He had committed several felonies for no other reason than to stick it to Killian for outsmarting him and for becoming her friend, and he’d committed them flagrantly and with no thought to the consequences. He’d probably thought there wouldn’t be any consequences. Killian was right: Neal deserved everything that was coming to him, if only for being so colossally, arrogantly stupid. 

People still whispered about Killian as he walked through the halls but true to character he paid little attention. He did, however, gradually began to open up more and allow more of himself to show through his defences, willingly participating in classes and talking to people other than Emma and Ruby. By the time finals week arrived had actually made a few friends. 

Killian reflected wryly that in a twisted sort of way Neal had done him a favour. With all his secrets now out on the open he was free to embrace the opportunity for a new life he’d found in Storybrooke. Not that there had been anything particularly wrong with the old life, at least since his father had finally left. He’d been a mean old drunk, Brennan Jones, and by the time he’d been forced to flee his creditors for good, stealing a boat from Bristol harbour and melting into the offshore underworld, his sons had been glad to see the back of him. Killian thought about what he himself had been like back then, before Milah, and even though it had only been about a year since he’d first become involved with her so much had changed both in his circumstances and in himself, he feared that hopeful, enthusiastic boy was lost forever. Who exactly had taken his place was the question Killian had asked himself daily for weeks now, and he still wasn’t sure how to answer it. He’d become so used to holding everything in, to keeping such a tight rein on his thoughts and feelings that letting them out, accepting that it was okay to express them had become almost unbelievably difficult. The only person he felt even remotely comfortable being fully himself with aside from Liam was Emma, whose support and friendship remained unwavering as he bumbled and struggled thorough the reclamation of his life, and he remained intensely grateful for it. 

Only one thing about Emma troubled him-- that she no longer seemed to be interested in anything beyond his friendship. All the little hints and cues she had been giving him since they’d met were suddenly gone, and while he was relieved to be free of the added stress of constantly resisting something that part of him desperately wanted, he couldn’t help wondering if there was a darker motivation for this abrupt about-face. Perhaps, whispered an evil little voice in his head, Emma was actually more disgusted by his past than she let on and was simply too kind to tell him directly. Maybe the thought of him touching her turned her stomach now. He certainly couldn’t blame her if it did.   

“What do you want from your relationship with Emma?” asked Dr Hopper one afternoon, after Killian had finally brought himself to mention the change in her behaviour. “Do you want it to be romantic?”

Killian frowned, struggling to sort through the complex tangle of his feelings about and for Emma. “I don’t want a romantic relationship with anyone,” he said finally. “I still feel too messed up for anything like that. But I— I’m still really attracted to her. I think about her all the time, about how we kissed at her party, and I want to kiss her again pretty much constantly, but then I remember Milah and how I thought I felt about her, and I just—” 

“You don’t trust your judgement.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Killian, it’s important for you to remember that you have a much more equal relationship with Emma than you ever did with Milah.”

“Equal, with Emma?” Killian snorted. “You have met her, right?”

Dr Hopper smiled patiently. “I understand that you feel she’s beyond your reach, and that’s a separate issue, but what I mean by equal is that she’s your age and at your stage of life. With Milah you were constantly struggling to relate to her life and her experiences, and when you couldn’t you attempted to make up for that by offering her the affection and sexual attention she craved. You forced yourself to offer these things even though you didn’t genuinely feel them because you feared the consequences of not offering them. But with Emma there is no need to manufacture anything. She is placing no demands on you and therefore any attraction and affection you feel for her is genuine.”

“But what should I do about it?”

“Why should you have to do anything? You said you’re not ready for a romantic relationship, and that’s fine. Let yourself heal. The process is slow and frustrating, but believe me you are making progress. Let your feelings for Emma and your relationship with her develop at a pace that is comfortable for you. From what you’ve said it sounds like she will still be there when, if, you’re ready for more.” 

“It’s more than likely she no longer wants more. And even if she did, what happens when she meets someone who isn’t so hopelessly fucked up? Then where does that leave me?”

“Why don’t you worry about that if —not when— it happens?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the last day before winter break, Emma nervously approached Killian’s locker and handed him an invitation to her parents’ annual Christmas party addressed to him and Liam. 

“It’s just a thing they do every year for their friends and our neighbours,” she began to ramble as he examined the card, certain he would refuse and wanting to delay that painful moment. “My mom loves to entertain, and my dad says it’s good for building a rapport between law enforcement and the community, and—”

“Swan,” interrupted Killian, giving her that soft, indulgent look that said he knew exactly what she was thinking. “I’m sure we’d love to attend. Thank you for inviting us.” 

The butterflies soared in a grand jeté, and she felt like she was flying with them. “Great,” she said trying to keep her voice calm, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

Her delighted smile made his breath catch, and his answering grin set her heart galloping. Their eyes met and held, and as the end of semester chaos whirled around them they stood a breath apart, swathed in frustrated yearning and brittle tension, the only two people in the world.  

Then the final bell rang, and they leapt apart, Emma smoothing her skirt with shaking hands while Killian ran his own trembling fingers through his hair. 

“So, onion rings at Granny’s?” ventured Emma, wanting to kick herself for making him nervous again, after all her resolutions, hoping desperately he wouldn’t pull away. 

Killian sighed in relief, tinged with a hint of disappointment. Granny’s was safe. “Sounds perfect, love,” he said. 

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday. 

[nuttmegg]

This is Jeremy, This is also me feeling it. I promised my friends that I wouldn’t hold it in, I wouldn’t pretend i wasn’t hurting and that I would let my heart feel it. So this is me, trying to feel it. The way I do that is through writing. I guess right now is the perfect time too, I’m vulnerable. My friends who know me, know that “feelings” aren’t my strong suit. It’s currently 3am and Im just getting home. I went out for a drink with friends and instead of going straight home I drove to my grandpa’s ranch(he doesn’t own it anymore so technically I was trespassing). I sat on the hood of the car and just watched the stars and I cried my fucking eyes out. Not just for Jeremy but for literally everything that is overwhelming me. But more about that later in another post. 

So I met Jeremy on tinder, Go figure right?! I honestly found him so extremely handsome, and thought I was being catfished so I put off meeting him for probably a whole month, lol. When I did finally decide to meet up with him, it was spur of the moment too. I was about to start my fantasy football draft, but something told me to go. So I told my cousins I was auto-drafting because date was greater then draft, haha. I meet him at the beach and we walked and talked for a good two/three hours, the sun went down on us and he kissed me on the beach. I was a good first date, we had a lot in common, football, sarcasm, etc, He even helped me finish my fantasy draft, and then got mad at my for avoiding him for so long. He told me how he was desperately looking for another person in his league and I would have been a perfect addition. “A cute girl, who can talk shit and knows football, you would’ve been perfect.” So after that football was our thing, we made a couple bets on the season and swore we would hang out once a week to set lineups, watch football or just talk shit on each others teams. And we did, maybe not every week, but we did manage to talk FF lineups and strategy every week.

We hung out a couple times in public but he was always so worried about his ex seeing him that it just complicated. I think I always kept him at a distance because I knew he wasn’t over her, and I didn’t want to be anyones rebound. I already told the story about how he ran around my apartment pretending he was getting ready for a fight, that night I watched Superbad with him, it was the first time I ever watched that movie. He gave me so much shit for it too. After that, any time he wanted to hang out he would text me “super bad and chill?” It was a joke between us, because i would sent it to him on occasion, I pretty sure we both knew what we were to each other. But we’re people with feelings as much as we tried to hide them, every time we would hang out he would stay longer, he would talk more, or when I would get up to leave he’d pull me back to him or tell me to spend the night. I only did once, that night I woke up to him wrapped around me. Mind you, he was 6′3″ and I’m 5′2″ he was literally suffocating me lol. I remember trying to be so quiet about leaving but I woke him up anyway, he told me as i was leaving “Stay with me kid, just once, don’t go to school.”  I think that was the same night he asked me if i loved him. I think that was when I started pulling away from him too. I begin seeing him less and less. That obviously didn’t stop him from bugging me constantly to hang out.(as per the snaps above) 

I got a text or snap from him pretty much every day. Even when I was in Vegas he bugged me. Thats the “you’re in love with me” snap. I remember being super drunk and responding with “you wish,” and he wrote back in a text saying “just you wait kid, you’re gonna fall in love with me.” I didn’t write back to that. I remember why too. I think after Vegas I saw him once, we went out for coffee and he told me how his ex was spreading rumors about him again. He talked to me about how he didn’t know where he wanted to move to but he wanted to leave, he even joked about following me to LA when I leave in December…”I’ll be your roommate kid, It’ll be great” ha. He seemed so lost that time I saw him, lost and heart broken. I didn’t know what to do, when we left I remember his hug hurt. It was one of those vulnerable hugs that last a long time and you can just feel it. That was the last time I kissed him. 

A couple days later The Hipster asked me to be exclusive, oh have i not mentioned that yet? The Hipster and I are exclusive! The last time I saw Jeremy was the day I was suppose to go to the Halsey concert. I didn’t go because I had been studying for exam and was on like 3 hrs of sleep, so I didn’t want to  to drive to Oakland by myself(its a 5-ish-hour drive). I walked with my lab partner to his house to hang out for a bit. I knocked out in his room, while my lab partner and him hung out. I woke up to Jeremy and Prince(his dog) making a bunch of noise. He was so sweet, “you knocked out kid! want dinner?” We ate dinner and I told him about the Hipster. He looked a little sad but sat across the table from me and asked me questions about him. He was teased me a little, tried joking about still “hanging out” even used air quotes too. Then took it back and said, “Nah Kid if you’re happy I wont fuck it up.” That was night I took my friends dog for a run, because he(my friend) was in a study group and Duke(the dog) was being an ass. lol. After my run I asked Jeremy if he could give me a ride home cause I was beat and my friend was still in class. 

He pulled his TC to the back of my apartment complex and when I was about to get out of the car he pulled me back in and hugged me. Again it was one of those hugs that you feel, like your soul hurts. He kissed my cheek and said “stick around kid? I want you to be happy, but we get along. Lets stay friends yeah?” I looked him straight in the eyes(something told to look him straight in the eyes), i didn’t realize then that was the last time i was going to see his green eyes and said “promise, promise.” I meant it too, I would’ve stayed his friend, we had even talked about being gym buddies. 

The next night I slept at the Hipsters and I woke up at like 2am from a text from Jeremy saying “wake up!” I didn’t respond cause I was with The Hipster and it was 2am! Not going to lie I was a little annoyed with him, I honestly thought i was a booty text. The next day in class I wrote back to him telling him that no one is up that late, he told me i should have been. I asked him what was up and he said he couldn’t sleep and just wanted someone to talk to. Then he asked me if I wanted to go on a hike………..I couldn’t I was in class. 

That was the day he…oh fuck I cant even type it….that was the day. He fucking went hiking and slipped off a 60ft cliff, survived the fall only to get swept away by the god damn ocean. They still haven’t found his body. Fuck this I am mess……if this is what feeling it is suppose to be. I don’t want to feel it. I could have been there!! Everyone keeps telling me that I cant blame myself, and I don’t but what if!! Im afraid of heights, i wouldn’t have let him climb up there, I wouldn’t have let him get so close to the edge. I could’ve convinced him to go to a different beach. And people keep throwing the word suicide around still, that he did it on purpose. What if me telling him about The Hipster was the straw that did it. I knew he was lost, I could tell, but I just thought he was lost becasue he was still a little heartbroken. 

And you what kills me even more! The fucking guilt I feel for grieving! Like you have no idea how stupid happy the Hipster makes me! I care about him so much, way more then I ever thought I was going to. I’ve been away from him for 5 days now and it hurts because I just want to be around him! I want to lay next to him, I want to study while he draws. I want to hold him and just breath in the mixture of smells, smoke and coffee. But how?? How am I suppose to grieve over another lover when, for lack of a better word, my boyfriend is laying next to me?? Some one please explain to me how I’m not suppose to feel guilty about that!!!!! Like Jeremy and I were never going to be a thing, The Hipster was always going to be the better man for me, but I still cared about Jeremy. He was right when he said we got along, we did. I just don’t know how to grieve without feeling so guilty. I don’t want to hurt the Hipster with my grief. Jeremy was someone I talked to almost daily, theres a void there now. That void hurts. 

I know its going to hurt for a while, but since Im home Im gonna let it hurt me. Because Night Hawk was right, I don’t want to hold it in and then have it come crashing down on me during finals. The one thing I keep wishing for is, I hope they find him. I have this spiritual connection with the Ocean, and I just cant feel the same way about it when it still has him. Just give him up, his family needs him. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about grieving with The Hipster around, that Jeremy would’ve wanted me to be happy. I know this, he told me himself the last time I saw him. I think the only person who can ease my guilt is The Hipster, and I’m never gonna tell him so I just let time heal that wound too. 

Oh so the pictures, the first one is a cropped picture of him after practice or something. Its one of the first pictures he sent me.  The second one is this one I found on his FB, and I think its perfect, it shows his silly nature. The 3rd is another one he sent me when we first started talking(he sent me a bunch but the rest are not really appropriate so those stay off the interwebs, not gonna lie I’m probably gonna delete them) Its also his contact photo lol. The last one is of course the save msg on snap. The 1st msg is him being hella aggressive becasue I kept turning him down. I have pictures of the rest of the things he sent me, he was actually being funny about it, said he would develop a stutter if i kept avoiding him lol. I already told you the “youre in love with me” story. And the last one had me rolling laughing when he sent that to me!! He had sent me a picture of him totally scene kid from HS right after that. I couldnt help but laugh. Thats the kind of friendship we would’ve had, more nonsense of that sort. 

So This is my story about Jeremy. This is also my way of grieving. 

This was Jeremy 

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 4

7 april 2017 3:55am i can’t help but feel like you don’t give a shit about us anymore. idk. i texted u last night about the adex thing, even though u didn’t have mine u were just being helpful. by searching and all. idk i just can’t help but feel u don’t give a shit about us anymore. is your decision really no? is your decision really for us to go our separate ways? did u really give up on me?

4:17am i find myself alternating between moments of being needy or indifferent to you. i think i’m getting bipolar.

help

. idk what to feel anymore. what’s wrong with me. why am i feeling this way??

4:28am i thought i heard someone fall and my door opening wtf i got so scared. i looked out of the covers and didn’t see anything but i’m still fucking scared. ugh i hate it when i hear something in the middle of the night. holy shit it makes me paranoid. i wish u we’re here with me now.

7:43am i dreamt of u again. i couldn’t remember much, but we were happy

9:53am some days i feel nothing at all, some days i feel everything a little harder. and today’s one of those days.  let me slip into a coma and wake up when all these is over.

some vs guy called me over to assist bc he thought the tulips were all falling over and he said they looked like they were in bad condition. so i went over to see what he was on about. LOL there was nothing wrong with the plants and bc they were so tall, they were just flopping over. i guess he thought they were dying or broken and was hoping that i could cut some off and he could take some home. sorz dude. they just look like that. 

the tall flopping tulips reminded me of u being so tall that u started hunching over. and i teared up again.  yesterday i felt nothing at all, i felt fine. i thought i was slowy getting better. i was wrong. im feeling everything today. everything is rushing back to me so fast and hard i cant hold back my tears. idk. i need u even more today. but i don’t think u feel like you need me anymore.

12:31pm we went to marina sq to eat. we passed by the carls junior that we ate on the day u POP. idk why i felt even more depressed like i just felt super empty suddenly. now while waiting for the rest to draw money, we went into the korean shop, and the first thing i saw was your fav onion rings that i promised i would buy for u if i chanced upon it. i took it without thinking and then only realized that i won’t be seeing you anytime soon when i was going to pay at the counter. i was trying so hard to keep my tears in bc everyone was with me. idk i feel terrible.

2:59pm holy shit this visitor had a gopro hero 5 and WTF HE SAID GO PRO TAKE A PICTURE AND IT RLLY DID. IT HAS VOICE RECOGNITION WTF COOL BEANS. omg is that why u wanted a gopro hero 5???

5:30pm tho bought magkoli and it didn’t taste as nice as i thought it would. we drank a little in office and everyone didn’t rlly like it. and tho asked me to ta it and finish the whole bottle. honestly, if it tasted better i would have. bc i think i really need a drink rn. i’ve been feeling super shitty today. everyone asked about u. everything reminded me of u. i miss u so much.

8pm the urge to drink is real. i need a strong drink to knock me out so i wouldn’t have to deal with my late night thoughts. i bought rice beer from cheers. i would prefer vodka or breezes or sth but i would need more than 10 bottles of that to make me drunk. the rice beer was the only one which had the largest amount but q low alcohol level. oh wells i guess it works. as long as there is alcohol in my system i guess i can cope. i can’t wait for my parents cell group to leave before i can go down and drink. times like this, i wish i still had our soju and beer in my fridge, then i would be q drunk i think. idk. i wished i was drinking and smoking with you instead of alone. even though i love being alone, i would still prefer your company over being alone, even in silence.

8:45pm saw this on snapchat

How To Know If You Have Found Your Soul Mate

1. An Inner Knowing

Call it love at first sight or just a moment of intuition, a lot of people know when they have found “the one”.

If you feel comfortable, energized and intimate with someone even though you’ve only just met them, there’s a good chance the r/s will go the distance.

2. Mutual Respect

R/s often fall apart when the two people try to change each other.

Soul mates, however, accept one another (flaws and all) and when they step back see a partner they are very proud to be with.

They don’t want to change each other, so they tend to be less critical of each other, even when they disagree. they want to be the best partner possible to support the person that you are.

3. Being On The Same Page When It Matters

Soul mates don’t agree on everything. However, when it comes to the most important things in life like your values, goals, core beliefs and priorities, you are totally on the same page.

Soul mates tend to see the world through the same lens which makes their connection so much deeper because they understand one another.

4. Support And Nurture Each Other Soul mates celebrate each other’s success and help each other when the going gets tough. Soul mates are always rooting for each other and are proud to support their partner in everything they do.

Soul mates can help support you to great heights of personal and professional success.

5. Best Friends Forever

Soul mates just “get” each other. They can understand each other on a very deep level, even if they’ve only known each other for a short amount of time.

if you find someone who very quickly becomes your number one support, your partner in crime, and the first person you text when you have good or bad news, there’s a good chance that you’ve met your soul mate.

6. A Shared Version For The Future You share the same key values and what the same sort of things out of life, otherwise resentments grow and the r/s begins to sour.

To share a life that you both love, you first have to agree on what life will look like.

7. You Challenge Each Other

This can be challenging, because it will mean that the two of you are often encouraging one another to move out of your comfort zones.

The unique combination of challenges and support provided by a soul mate is a major catalyst for personal growth - and in the future, you’re sure to be grateful to each other for all the encouragement.

8. Sex Is Mind Blowing

Because they have such deep connection, sex between soul mates is destined to be unlike anything has either of them has ever experienced.

Soul mates profound love for each other combined with their ability to be honest and vulnerable creates a level of sexual chemistry that is off the charts.

9. You Both Fight To Make Your R/S Work

No matter how deep your connection, soul mates will inevitably run into bumps in the road - whether it be difficulties with family members, illnesses or financial troubles.

True soul mates find ways to fight together in order to make things better, because you’ll both want the r/s to survive more than you’ll want to defend your own egos.

10. You Feel Comfortable

You feel so comfortable around each other from the start. Even in the emotional whirlwind of falling in love. soul mates will find that they’ve never felt more secure in opening up to someone and showing their true self.

Soul mates delight in each other’s little quirks and feel great empathy for each other’s flaws and vulnerability.

11. You Can Spend Time Apart

Soul mates are able to strike the right balance between time together and time apart. they trust each other and still feel close when they are doing separate things, rather than being consumed with jealousy or anxiety.

They are able to let each other do what’s best for their individual lives yet at the same time also know that you’re happiest and more fulfilled when you’re enjoying quality time as a couple.

even though we do majority of wtv that has been said here, there are some things we still have to improve on. and i am willing to work on that with you. as long as you are willing to continue working on us with me

11:19 high but not enough to text you or call you. i miss u i wish u we’re here with me rn. i always associate the feeling of being high and drunk with you bc you’re the person i always drink with. and maybe bc of us always coming back to my place to have drunk sex after clubbing in the past. i just want to feel your skin against mine. i just want to feel your body heat against me. i just want to feel your arms around me. i just want to be taken care of by you like in the past when i'm high and drunk.

idk i'm tired. i miss u. i need u here in bed with me rn.

[thequeenb]

Enemies With Benefits

Poppy x MC

This fic is inspired by @nerdy-twin post.

Warning: Smut

My, my did i heard right? My sources have been telling me all day about the hilarious fights between Queen Bee and our new starlet

Newbee proved to us since day one that she isn't one to be messed with but don't let her charms blind you. Yesterday Chlo-- i mean Poppy's dog got humiliated Infront of our eyes loves so grab your snacks because this is going to be a long semester isn't that right Bea?

Kisses, The T

Oh that's great. Another post from The T and everyone is looking at me again. Why do people care about this stupid blog anyways? Its so irrelevant and so--

"Oh my god Bea!!" Zoe runs up to me basically jumping from excitement

"Wow slow down what happened?" Seriously she can't even catch her breath

"Girl you are top 15 material now!!" she shoves her phone on my face and i gasp. Alright now i love this blog. Everyone around me whisper and after a moment i can hear cheers from every direction of the pathway

"Woooo B-E-A, B-E-A" they all chant my name and i bow laughing at my sweet victory, i cant wait to wipe Poppy's smirk off her face

Everything stops as i hear clapping behind my back, Aaaaand there she is. "Congratulations you managed to get pass the emo wannabes and the bimbos"

"Big words coming from a bitch like you" it feels like i am in a movie because everyone gasps not knowing how to react to that. Poppy stare at me long enough to kind of worry

"Listen here you ugly pathetic idiot--"

"That's not what you told me last night" i say kinda proud of myself and that's when basically everyone looks shocked. Zoe covers her giggles because she knows alllll about it and Miss Regina George over here have gone completely pink

"I would never not even in a million years touch someone as cheap as you, Chloe go fetch me a latte, ta ta garbage" and she walks away just like that

"Wow you really have an effect on her" Zoe comes behind me laughing and i roll my eyes brushing off another stupid fight

"Do you want to watch a movie and eat our feelings?"

"Girl you know me so well"

___

"Okay but do you want to watch Mean Girls, or the finale of Gossip girl?" I ask shuffling through Netflix

"Bea this school is the definition of Gossip girl and dont get me started on Mean girls, Poppy is--" And that's when we hear a knock on the door

"It must be Penelope i invited her" Zoe yells from the kitchen pouring us both a glass of wine

I walk to the door opening it wide and thats when i see my dear enemy

"What can i do for you?" I say smirking

"For starters buy better clothes, this shirt is hideous" she gestures at my Deadpool shirt, excuse me? How dare she?

"If i wanted to deal with your attitude i would have..oh wait yes you stalk me so you are always on my way"

"Agh can you just stop talking"

I roll my eyes so hard my brain hurts. What the school doesn't know is that we have our secret fights in the bedroom. Of course i was shocked as well but here i am kinda liking Poppy, gosh i probably hit rock bottom

"Goodnight boo" i smile slamming the door shut continuing my night drinking wine and gossiping with Zoe.

___

"I will see you after class, those new burritos are to die for" Zoe says as she kisses my cheek goodbye, i love this woman

I walk freely around the empty campus. One thing that i love about Mondays is that on third period i can just have five minutes to myself and collect my thoughts, that until i find my self pinned against a wall

"Never do that again" Poppy says pointing her finger to my chest

I gasp at the surprise and she looks amused, her and her little games "Do what exactly? Exist?"

She rolls her eyes but i can see how hard she is trying to hide her smile "No one slams the door at me Newbee" and she poke her finger once

"Oh please you are always being an asshole"

"Listen here, just because i let you kiss me once doesn't mean anything, you are still garbage to me and you will always be" and another poke

She tries to do it again but i grab her finger looking at her deep into her eyes

"No you listen Poppy, i am tired of your manipulative games, you are the most awful person i have ever met!" I am glad the campus is empty, if people were here they would probably record or take pictures for The T

"Oh please Hughes you play tough but you really aren't, maybe you were important back in pig town, but here? You are just another pawn" her glare is dangerous, her eyes on fire, our tension so thick you can feel it through your bones

So i did what every logical person would do, i lean in and i capture her lips before she can say anything else that will ruin the mood. At first she tries to deny and make a surprised sound but soon her tongue is dancing against mine.

I pin her against the wall taking a quick glance around to make sure we are alone. I should be in Miss Kingsley class right now but oh god am i distracted

She places her hands around my neck pulling me closer to her, didn't i tell you? She really likes me deep inside this cold heart of hers

"Am i tough now?" i ask, our lips so close, our breaths ghosting on eachother's faces. She swallows hard "Not enough"

And as these words escape her mouth i pin her hands above her head with my one hand effortlessly as my other travel from her waist down her thighs. Poppy always wears a mini skirt enough to ignite my fire

I dig my nails slightly into her flesh and ask once again "I said, am i tough now?"

Poppy moans against my mouth and i start kissing her neck, something that drives her crazy. She wont admit it, she never does but she knows well how much i turn her on and it annoys her

"Let me hear it" i say sucking at the sensitive spot underneath her ear

"Yes you are!" she says holding onto me tight like her life depends on it

My hand now goes beneath her skirt and my oh my do i make her excited. My fingers brush slightly against her underwear and thats when the bell rings, ugh cockblocker

We both immediately separate adjusting our clothes watching the campus slowly getting crowded. Poppy's cheeks are red and i can already imagine what she is thinking of. I smile to myself watching her walk away

And that's when my phone buzz, of course a notification from The T

Hello loves,

Another day another drama. My rising star is now top 10 material, i am proud of you girl but i wouldn't count on it because we all know Miss perfect always gets what she wants. I love drama and Hughes is providing me with the best one yet. Good luck, you will need it

Kisses, The T

I still cant believe what i am reading. Top 10?!! I am here almost two months and i have outsmarted most of Poppy's moves. I smile as Zoe approach me screaming

"I knew you had it in you!!" she hugs me tight spinning me around

"Suck it Poppy" i yell as students around us are cheering. It feels good knowing that people are on my side finally seeing who they are bowing to years now

Someone tugs my hand and as i turn around i see Chloe crossing her arms

"So you managed to reach top 10 i see"

"Oh do you want an autograph? Thats so sweet" i say smirking

"Poppy is waiting for you behind the field"

"And who says that i am going?" I practically laugh but her face remains the same

"Listen i dont have all day Channel is having--"

"Alright dog, good girl! You earned a treat" and like that i give her head a pat walking towards hell basically.

I am sure Pops is mad at me, maybe she likes me but she is serious when it comes to her reputation. I approach her enjoying how nervous she looks

"If you wanted a date we could have arranged it" i say sitting next to her

Her expression is cold and distant and i sigh defeated "okay what is it? Is it the fact that i am top-"

"That list isn't that important Hughes, i can drag you down to the bottom within seconds" Wow okay i get it thats not the reason you are grumpy

"Why did you asked your dog to fetch me?"

Poppy rolls her eyes clearly annoyed by every word i say. Again i sigh not knowing what to do exactly. Sometimes i like to take her in. The way her foot is jiggling, the way she flips her hair when she is awkward. Everything about her is so perfect when all the eyes are laid on her but when we are alone i see another version of her

"I hate how entitled you feel" she finally says standing up "since you got here the only thing that you want is to ruin me!"

I feel my blood boiling as i stand up to get on her level "Excuse me? You attacked me the first moment i laid my foot in here!"

"That's because you love to shove your nose where it doesn't belong!" she now takes a step closer, anger written all over her features

"Oh give me a break, you were always cruel, people just now start to realise it" i take a step closer as well trying to intimidate her

"I run this school Newbee, you like it or not so go back to your little town where you were important because here? You are nothing" she spats out coldly and all i can do is stare at her. Her mask now falls completely

I can see the worry in her eyes,regret. Her posture isn't radiating power, instead i can see how uncomfortable she is. Aw are emotions a new thing for her? How charming.

Without missing a beat i kiss her letting all this anger turn into passion. "I hate you" i say kissing her neck desperately trying to find an inch of bare skin to touch

"I hate you more" she tries to say but her voice trails off when my hand goes underneath her skirt. I smile between our kiss when i feel how wet she is

"Did our fight made you excited?" I ask teasingly

"More kissing less talking" she says capturing my lips into a passionate kiss. I push her against a wall as my hand connects with her center

"Oh Bea.." she whispers against my lips and thats when i increase the pace just to hear her moan. Only i can watch her like this, so vulnerable so real

With each stroke i can hear her shouting my name digging her nails onto my back. Finally her body shakes as she has a violent release and i hold her tight against me

I bring my fingers to my lips and i lick them clean locking eyes with her. For a moment all we can do is stare at eachother and i think we are both questioning what did we just do? I smile trying to reach for her hand but she pulls away

Great she turned on her bitchy mode. "I will see you tomorrow?"

"I will ruin your entire life Hughes!!" She yells while walking away. Well that wasn't what she was saying seconds ago, oh wait yes she was busy screaming my name

"And yes you will, now go fuck yourself!" She yells again and i flip her off smiling

Thats how the rest of the semester went down. Infront of the eyes of the school we hated eachother's guts but behind closed doors we did the craziest things in the bedroom. Overall i do hate Poppy Min-Sinclair but i have to admit, this woman knows her stuff, enough to wonder how many layers does she really has?

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