#perhaps some of us could become friends if it wasnt for the fact that i know full well im not

[chestersbraincell]

Mann….out of all the things my brain could of brought up to wallow in RIGHT before going to sleep did it really have to be the realisation that I’m like. Completely alone in the world. I genuinely have no stable, healthy relationship like at all. Not even with myself. I know I don’t deserve nor am capable of forming and maintaining a relationship of any sort but like GOD DAMNNNN

[spumoniidraws]

I had this idea about Gale and his mortality.

And rather Gale and my Tav. Tavrina is an elf. A high elf at that, meaning she will live 700-1000 years. That fact alone would be enough to worry Tav. She would dread the thought of him passing before she does. In all the rush of fighting the netherbrain, then running off with him to Waterdeep, getting married and living domestic life, I doubt it would have occurred to her as she fell head over heels for him. Humans live such short lives by comparison. As the panic sets in, she wants to find a way to extend his life. Gale mentioned Elminster is 1300 years old. Maybe he can help. Or perhaps Astarion with his knowledge of immortality. She would ask. She would become increasingly desperate, toiling away hours while Gale sleeps trying to find an answer. She doesn't know anything about magic, but she does know monsters. Maybe Gale would be willing to become a Lich? Small anxiety fits and mindless research to a problem she made on herself. How could she love him properly? It would be like loving a dog? Was any of this even moral? There are plenty of half-elves in the world right? Proof an elf can properly love a human....right???

Finally Gale finds her notes. Mad scribblings of rituals and powerful spells. Notes about their vampire friend. Notes about Elminster. Weave manipulation. He reads over them with concern, particularly at the word "Lich" circled in the corner. He consigns to sit her down with some tea and have a chat about mortality. -G: My love, I found your notes. I worry something is troubling you. You know you can always unburden yourself with me. -T: It's...its just thoughts. -G: Seems to be more than thoughts. A growing obsession rather. Your scribbles are filled with fervor and worry. Questions of immortality? Wish spells? Lich rituals? My dear, I fear you may be dabbling in things you don't know, and while I have never questioned your intelligence, this is powerful magic you're looking into. Your skills with a blade are unrivaled, but you are no mage. If you needed help with something, I am here for you. -T: It....it wasnt something I could ask you for. -G: Why not? Whatever could you be looking into that your own husband can't help you? -T: I was looking for ways to extend your life. There is silence as Gale tries to ponder what she is saying. Tav's hands grip her cup nervously as she continues -T: I am ..most likely...going to outlive you. And that thought stirred something in me. A fear in my heart. The thought of going through all of this just to lose you so soon. Even in the best cases you maybe have 60 years left or so. Thats....nothing. Her tone is somber and filled with sadness. Gale set's down his cup, then removes her cup from her hands and takes her hands in his. -G: Is that all that this was about? You're worried about me dying? -T: N-no! I'm worried about living the rest of my life without you! I'm worried about whether or not its even right for us to be together! You should be able to grow old with someone! Not watch as you age and your wife remains unchanged. You should be able to live a normal human experience! And my selfishness in loving you...wanting to have you to myself....It would be like how long a dog lives to a human. You're only here for a short time. How could I love you appropriately, knowing I will blink, and you will be gone?

Gale's face twists through so many emotions. Concern, love, disagreement, and then confusion. Did she just call him a dog? With a deep inhale, he would begin. -G: Perhaps, you are thinking far too little of our time together. And I would request that you stop that right now. His voice is firm and scolding. -G: Even for a pet, the love we have for them is immense and it is the only thing they know of us. For us, they are only a small part of our lives, but to them we are their whole life. Immortal gods who meet their every need. Pets don't reflect on their mortality or worry about whether they are loved. They simply live every day as best they can. And we love them all the more for it. His words trail into a whisper as he grips Tav's hands tightly. -G: Yes...one day I will grow old and grey, and however unpleasant it is to think about, die. But every moment spent with you, however long or short it may be, I will cherish it with every fiber of my being. His thumbs roll over the back of Tav's hands as he looks at his own hands. -G: I won't lie and say it hasn't crossed my mind that I would become old and grey while you remain as beautiful and as youthful as the day we met. And as senility and babbling set in-...well I know I already babble, but you understand...I imagined you might tire of me. I questioned whether or not I should spare you that pain and release you. But I fear my time with you has made me a bit selfish, and I wasn't prepared to have that conversation. I don't know if I ever would be. He pulls Tav into a kiss and leans his forehead against hers. -G: After everything that we have been through, every moment with you is a gift. I have never thought otherwise. Your love for me is unparalleled to any other love I have ever known. I have never doubted it. Not once. And I will cherish every moment, waking or not. And I will cherish you as much on my deathbed as I did that first night we shared a moment of magic. And it will have to be enough, for both of us. Because I have no intention of becoming a Lich.

[bridgyrose]

Is it possible to get a reaction of the rest of team WBY for finding out that Ruby is in fact still alive and joined Salem after a news report of the fall of atlas in the vampire au where Ruby was turned by cinder? Or perhaps in the Salem’s vessel au where Ruby confronts Qrow about what he really does when he goes on missions like Salem suggested.

(Alright, some more of the Ruby turned vampire au. There's... a bit more set up I really should do for this)

Ruby stayed quiet as she walked through the Atlas streets, keeping to the shadows during the short hours the sun was around. Everything about Cinder’s plan to bring Atlas down felt off, almost as if there was information missing about how they were going to obtain the relic and how they were going to use it. And on top of all of that, she still wasnt sure how they were going to infiltrate the academy. Beacon wasnt hard for Cinder to get into, no one knew her. But Atlas… Cinder was known by face due to her actions at Beacon and Ruby, while she was able to clear her name a bit, was a dead woman as far as anyone was concerned. 

“What’s your position?” Cinder asked over her earpiece. “You know we dont have much time for this.” 

“I’m outside the academy now,” Ruby answered quietly, watching a group of soldiers leave Atlas Academy while another group entered. “This isnt going to work.” 

“As long as you follow my instructions, you’ll be fine. Besides, your job is to find the maiden in any way possible.” 

Ruby sighed and turned off her earpiece once Cinder went quiet, quietly going over her own part of the plan. Sure, Atlas Academy was busy enough that she could sneak in without issue and few people would recognize her. But on the other hand, if she was caught, then everything she was working for would fall apart. Her team could be hurt by Salem or even by Atlas once they found out her death was faked. 

Still, she didnt have much of an option if she wanted her friends and family to be safe. She closed her eyes to focus as Cinder taught her, shifting into a small bat and made her way into Atlas, keeping towards the ceiling to remain out of sight. After hours of flying around, listening to soldiers, desk workers, and Ironwood, she finally found where the winter maiden was being held. Though, following Winter through the hallways to slip into the room and hide until she was alone was much harder than she thought. 

Ruby shifted in a shadowed corner, turning her earpiece on once more, voice shaking as she spoke. “I… I found her. Now what?” 

“Turn on your scroll’s beacon and I’ll find you.” 

“And then what? She’s deep in the academy and the second you get those powers, we’ll get caught.” 

“Leave that to me.” 

“But Cinder-” 

“You will trust me and let me do my job. Do you understand?” 

“Fine…” Ruby said as she pulled out her scroll and turned on the beacon to let Cinder find her. Just one mission, that’s all she needed and she could be done. She could finally relax, watch her teammates in the shadows to keep them safe, and no longer have Salem breathing down her neck. She listened to the seconds tick on her scroll as she waited for Cinder to come, freezing as she watched the secure door open, coming face to face with a huntress with icy blue eyes and a scar across her left eye. 

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yang sighed as she put her daughter to bed, pausing as she saw a picture of herself, Ruby, and Blake on the wall above the crib. Her heart ached a bit as she stared at the picture of her sister, thinking back to how Ruby had acted just a few short years ago. Sure, Yang believed Ruby when she said that she wasnt part of why Beacon fell, it became harder to believe it over the years after watching Ruby pull away and become less present in their lives. 

“Everything okay, Yang?” Blake asked, putting a hand on her wife’s shoulder. “You said putting her down would be quick.” 

“She’s fast asleep and laid down without a fuss.” Yang finally looked away from the picture on the wall and to Blake, giving her a sad smile. “Just thinking about Ruby.” 

“I miss her too. We can go visit her grave-” 

“We both know it's empty.” 

“But it’ll help. Its been a few months since we’ve gone to see her anyway.” 

Yang let out a soft sigh, knowing Blake was right. Even if the grave was empty, it still helped to visit and talk to her like Ruby used to do with their mother. “We can go in the morning and take Bella with us.” 

Blake smiled a bit and leaned against Yang. “In that case, now that she’s asleep and we have a little time on our own, we can sit down and watch a few shows without getting interrupted.” 

Yang nodded and gently walked Blake back out to the front room, sitting down with her wife and trying to relax as her mind calmed. She flipped the tv back on with the remote, a small smile crossing her lips as she pulled Blake close and pulled a blanket over the two of them. It was finally going to be a quiet night, just the two of them. 

The tv flickered for a moment as the Emergency Broadcast system took over, cutting every channel off from its programming as Weiss came up on screen. Her hands shook as she held her side and the faint sound of grimm alarms could be heard behind her as she spoke. “People of Remnant, Atlas… Atlas needs help. Grimm are swarming the streets and our army isnt enough. We need help evacuating as many people as we can. I dont know if this message is getting out-��� she paused for a moment as she stumbled on camera, almost cursing under her breath as she caught herself. ��-and I dont know how much longer we have, but its time for the world to know about a war that has been taking place in the shadows. There’s a woman who controls the grimm, known as Salem, who orchestrated the fall of Beacon. Cinder, and the former huntress Ruby Rose are assisting her-” 

The broadcast cut out, going right back to the programming that was showing before. Yang slowly tried to relax herself as she felt her entire body clench at the idea of another city, another academy, falling to the grimm. The fingers on her mechanical hand clicked as she shook as she held Blake close. Hearing Ruby’s name casted more doubt into her, no longer sure what the truth was or what Ruby’s role was in all of this, but all of those memories of Beacon falling she had pushed away had started to come back. Ruby slicing into Pyrrha with her scythe, killing Penny to save Cinder… everything that could’ve been explained with Emerald’s semblance all now made more sense that Ruby had been working with Cinder the entire time. 

“Everything will be fine, I’m sure its just someone using Ruby’s name,” Blake said as she slowly got up. 

“You’re going to Atlas, arent you?” 

Blake nodded. “They need huntsmen. And if Ruby really is alive, is there helping bring down another school… I need to be there for Weiss.” 

Yang stood up and pulled Blake into a kiss, hugging her tightly. “Promise me you’ll come home in one piece. For me and our daughter.” 

Blake purred into the kiss. “Always. I’ll always come home to you.”

Prev

[emmacreatures]

HEALING WOUNDS ka'am c Quaritch

HEALING MOMENT KA-AM x QUARITCH

Quaritch got hurt on an expedition and Na'vi have special healing ways.. so as he comes in hurt but not like dying at all. just having some bigger wounds

Ka'am would be called, as he perhaps had a colleague of Quaritch look out for him while they'd go as they are still in the phase of 'is there trust or not'

"You. Blue monkey" one of the colleagues calling for Ka'am as he'd glare a little while approaching "Do you na'vi have special ways to get rid of wounds like these? They sting bad, and we're low on medical supplies" Lyle said as the colonel entered the room, but his tank top is quite drenched in blood "I know a thing or two-" "Well good, then you will help the colonel. He's the most wounded, even though he says he's not feeling any pain" one of quaritch' friends would say as Quaritch would be like 'shut up' before Ka'am would follow the colonel into this more calm room without others.. As Quaritch would just slowly sit down.

"What happened even.. it seems either a Thanator or either an viperwolf got a hold of you-" "Nah.. It was nothing. You should've seen the other one, barely held it together as I knocked it out" Quaritch bragged, as Ka'am grabbed some things like medicine he happened to grab a few days ago when they were in pandora. Knowing which leaves were helpful and what not. Luckily for quaritch he had them by hand. "Where did you go." Ka'am realized they might've ignored his advice, becoming a little threatening in his own way. "Watch your tone Ka-. Whatever. Its not for you to decide." "I told you not to go there, even for local na'vi that place is hard to get through." "What would you have done then?" quaritch asked annoyed, hearing Ka'am getting more annoyed back. "I would've STAYED away like I told you." as quaritch would groan. "If only you'd trust me" Ka'am whispered in na'vi, making Quaritch respond for he in fact understood and heard that "well excuse me for protecting myself since everyone, meaning all Na'vi's has tried to kill me so FAR" Quaritch got stingy.. Making Ka'am be silent as he eventually grabbed a seat behind Quaritch. "Besides, what if you take a run. Put us in a trap, we don't know you" "you barely give me a chance either, so thats your loss" Ka'am said rather dissapointed, almost angry at this point. He already wrnt along and didny try to escape, so why did Quaritch had to say that. "do not put such a tone towards me boy" Quaritch said threatening, standing up as he turned towards Ka'am who as well had his ears back out of feeling angry.. A slight hiss was hearable, but it didnt come out as harsh as it looked like. "Do you want my help. Or not. By all means, be my guest if you want to keep on bleeding" Ka'am said threatening as he leaned closer slowly, both furious at each other as Quaritch wanted to say no so bad right now... but he did feel his tank too sunken in his blood due to the deep wounds that still need to be cared for.

As their silence was big, Quaritch at last would glare over his shoulder as he sat back down, making Ka'am raise his head a little, wondering if he should still help.. but the man needed it, despite he was extremely stubborn to even accept it. "just be silent while I'll try to help you. Do not wince, or move.. And while you're at it, try and pretend you appreciate it" Ka'am said really pissed, before hearing this slight grunt come from the man, but more he didnt say.. Possibly for the better for the both.. Ka'am slowly put his mind more into a meditative trance, pushing the man's tank top up so it could be taken off, before he'd watch the wounds. They really were deep, but Quaritch wasnt aware that navi bodies can have special abilities to heal, when you know how to make it activate it.. Softly pushing Quaritch's braid over his shoulder, Ka'am grabbed some of the leaves, making them almost a liquid while massaging it into his hands.. Doing some sort of tribal ritual, he went around the wounds with the paint that he created of the leaves he had. Almost making circles around them. Speaking soft Na'vi.. Quaritch at first scoffed, rolling his eyes as he wanted to mock so bad. "So first we'll sing, and then.. you're going to de-flee me as well like you native monkeys do" Quaritch said, but Ka'am didnt reply.. He just focused, as much as he wanted to out his anger.. The man needed healing, whether he deserved it or not. Ka'am was a man of his word. As the colonel dared to mock some more, Ka'am hit him quite firm against his back, making him silent.. Before he continued. As Ka'am continued with the markings on the man's back.. He softly pushed his hands upon his back, gently going over the man's back, shoulders.. until his lower back.. Softly humming something he couldnt follow in na'vi. Eventually after a few specific touches, Ka'am inhaled strong before pushing his hand exactly on the man's spine, almost like tsaheylu, saying something strong in Na'vi before Quaritch felt a strong relief, almost as if the pain was almost gone. Before he realized, patterns on his skin started glowing softly. Like waves in the sea. Quaritch had never seen it happen before, especially to himself, which had made him silent. ka'am was in the middle of his ritual, so focused that he wouldnt be disturbed. He kept mumbling things in what seemed ancient Na'vi almost.. Before feeling that the man went over the thick wounds that.. barely seemed to be there again. Ka'am rubbed some more of the special medicine he made from the leaves onto the wounds, that were still there, but the deep ones into his skin had turned into small scratches that still hurt but nothing major anymore. As the silence would hit, and Ka'am would take his hand back, seperating himself from Quaritch' body completely, the man felt this healing and waves of energy leave him.. Making him for once not say anything back, as he stood up and turned around towards Ka'am who had already grabbed everything together.. "W.. What did you-" "Dont wash for a day as those wounds need all the medicine they can take to close. Dont let that ego of yours as well rip open the wounds by moving too much" the man said, before glaring at him. "Oh yeah and next time when you'll be so ungrateful and rather mocking. do not dare to ask me nor threaten me for help again" Ka'am said incredibly done, grabbing his things and leaving to his own room. Ka'am had learned a thing or two from the Tsahik, which was her mother. It wasnt common for anyone but that Tsahik to do such things.. But Ka'am wasnt with the tribe right now, so he made a few excuses through the time there.

While Quaritch did know his behavior was uncalled for, feeling his wounds were helped in an almost surreal way by Ka'am, especially for someone who put much effort into helping.. He knew something more was under that man's anger. and it was about to break worse..

[codes]

hello matthew!! :D this ask isnt related to the little game u made unfortunately but id like to ask for some advice from someone who probably has to read a lot for school!!

i finished reading a classic of literature recently, jane austens persuasion. having repeated myself many times today, it was a very good thought provoking book. except that i didnt really realise that until i read the introduction of the book where they discuss her techniques and how she handles the themes!! argh.. in fact while i was readin the whole thing i didnt even really know what to feel! i knew about the instances of titular persuasion but i wasnt even really sure what they were saying with nuance...

since im so troubled by my lack of sensitivity and find no help elsewhere on the interwebs, as someone who i find can parse the complex muddled text of enstars with clarity, what should i do to become a more sensitive reader! or rather how do u read matthew?

hi lab! im a lil honored that u hold me in such high regard bc honestly, i dont always feel that my literary analysis skills are up to par! though i think thats an opinion shared by many but i often end up in the same position as you and even my professors say the same thing where they have to reread books before they start to really delve into analysis. its p normal, honestly. a lot of themes in literature are largely opinionated so some people pick up patterns faster than others and sometimes two readings can conflict with one another. it happens! one reading may be more clearly supported by evidence within the text but analyzing literature usually takes a lot of practice more than anything, but sometimes going back to the basics rlly helps and focusing on which critical theory may be applicable. could you maybe analyze the text through a character? perhaps the psychoanalytic theory may help! are gender roles present within the text? maybe looking at it through a feminist critical lens may give you a good ledge to start off. theres also formalism, post-colonialist, Marxist theory, eco-criticism, etc... the world is your oyster and having trouble with analyzing a text is normal! we're not all-knowing and sometimes it helps to look at what other people have to say will help you most of all.

also i asked my friend @cupidneos who is insanely smart for her advice since i bet that she would have something to say (also shes also a jane austen fan) and this is what she said:

i do wanna say that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself since Persuasion is easily one of her hardest texts to really extend and make sense of so it’s no fault of your own … literature that uses free indirect discourse to hint towards our knowledge of character tends to be harder to understand bc of how limited that info can be! that being said, not being able to place our finger on something until it’s highlighted is completely okay! that’s what the introduction is there for; to help you out. there’s no set list of criteria to being a “more sensitive reader” since the phenomenon of reading itself is so mercurial. with practice i’m so certain that u will get a better sense of where to look for those literary themes. and don’t sell urself short in doing so either! if u find a passage important, pursue it!!! doesn’t matter what everyone else says abt it hehe

[angelicmichael]

What if Xavier had a kid he didn't know about and he meets them for the first time after he's already a ghost? Maybe there's a kindergarten group that takes a trip to the camp, and he just has this spirit intuition as soon as he sees them and KNOWS it's his child. Do you think you could expand on this idea? I'd love to see what you come up with!

A/N: This was so fun, thank you for this idea dear anon!! I'm sorry it's late but hopefully u like it 😶. Also, I apologize this is so dark and heavy- I didnt intend for it.. it just, kinda happened lmfao. I turned this into a 'x reader' and it starts with Xaviers POV and ends with readers perspective!! First few paragraphs are pretty dark and then the rest is weird.. angst fluff LOL.Hope yall enjoy 💖💖💖

Warnings: First few paragraphs discuss Xavier's thots about dying SO, it highkey gets dark yall I'm so sorry, mentions of anger?? issues, mentions of murder, stops getting dark roughly around paragraph 6 if u wanna skip all that, MAJOR ANGST, reuniting, very brief Xantana reference 😈, mention of kids, bit of fluff.. think that's it :)

In Xaviers eyes; the worst part of being killed in a desolate camp and having to reside there for the rest of eternity; wasnt the fact that he would have to handle Richard Rameriez and tolerate his peers for eons to come. Sure, both of those things required an adjustment period but.. the realization that his life with you was abruptly cut short, was what truly broke him.

It took him being stripped from everything he once knew to truly appreciate how heavenly life once was before Camp Redwood. He had a steady job, good friends, and a relationship with a actual living, breathing person.. Not to shade Montana or anything, of course. However he had taken all of those things for fucking granted; moving to Camp Redwood definetly had made him become humble- at the very least. He was now nothing but a mere shell of the person he once was; nothing to bring him out of this absolute living nightmare he found himself in.. At first this mindset nearly consumed him, it drove him to kill multiple times.

There was no point in trying to conceal the anger he felt, no way of trying to channel it out into a more socially appropriate way and at this point.. there really was no point in trying to do so. Out here in the forest, espically after he was killed, life outside of the forest soon seemed as if it was some type of myth or fairytale- something not real or attainable. Time in the redwood forest felt different- days quickly bled and melted into weeks, and then months.. trying to guess the date was something Xavier gave up on doing after about the first week.

As much as he tried to deny it, being dead and becoming trapped here had completly made him lose his grip on reality and his previous life. Soon enough, the thought that life even fully existed outside of the camp and that there was actual fucking laws against killing (something which was now a leisurely hobby) had completly slipped his mind momentarily in the beginning as well. Out here in the forest, nothing felt real execpt for his anger that he held onto so tightly.

It was really the only thing he had left; atleast for a while.

The pain of losing his partner, (y/n), still remained but letting that grief not consume him was easily the hardest battle he had fought in his life. Xavier realized he still had his friends - and if he really was going to live for eternity, he sure wasnt going to spend it angry.

After so many years of being 'cursed' to spend forever in this forest, keeping track of the time was something Xavier rarely bothered with, but - it was obvious by the suns posistion, and even the slight mist that made the grass wet that it was just starting to cut into morning. Xavier walked through the forest alone, nowhere in particular to go or to necessarily do, only a sudden need to go and be alone. Almost a beckoning, for him to go and be somewhere else. To witness something.

His days were more often than not purely mundane; he had absolutely no excuse to not listen to this odd and sudden attraction he felt toward a very particular spot in the camp.. so, that's what brought him to where he stood now. Close to the road that brought visitors (a nice word for victims) into Camp Redwood, right next to the mess hall which was rarely used close by.

Xavier felt wildly uncomfortable standing so close to the place which previously held so much trauma - and honestly still did.. The place where Chef Bertie died. Xavier paused, about to just say 'fuck it' and just give up and go back to where his friends resided (or atleast Montana) when.. he heard it.

His sign, the thing that seemingly enticed him in the first place.

It first sounded like the old, familar sounds of tires coming across a gravel road - Xaviers mind immeadietly jumped to perhaps this could be new people.. new vistors.. new victims.

His blood ran cold when he heard something else; an eerie ringing of chains hitting against the ground. Something that was mostly a associated with buses.. and hauntingly familar. He had little to no time to think or even act on his suspicion when he noticed that a yellow school bus full, and nearly combusting with children was pulling into the camp.

Xavier wasnt exactly certain the bounds that ghosts had when it came to certain bodily functions like vomiting, but hes sure that under normal circumstances he would certainly be sick by now. Nevertheless he could feel his body tense up and the other natural symptoms associated with anxiety also kicked in. Urging him to clumsily get out of vision; he stumbled behind a few trees that poorly blocked him from sight. He continued to watch in complete and utter horror as the bus came to a stop, and it didnt take long for kids to start pouring out of the bus. Xavier felt his heart drop and his blood run cold every time a kid exited the bus and stepped on the dirt soil of Camp Redwood.

Xavier whipped his head around; scanning the surrounding area to make sure no other ghosts were here to bear witness to this.. Xavier was nearly always down to commit murder, it was really the only thing that kept him from fully going insane from pure fucking boredom but - kids? There was no fucking way he would let anyone touch them.

While he thoroughly scanned the area, he noticed a few adults leave the bus out of his periphery vision. He thought nothing of it, chaperones were to be expected on elementary field trips but.. the strange beckoning feeling he felt ealier visited him again, urging him to turn his head fully and look at one of the chaperones more closely. Instantaneously, he then automatically realized why he felt so compelled to come to this spot.. Why he was meant to be here at this exact moment.. It was you.

At first he thought he was merely hallucinating; you definetly looked significantly different from the last time he had saw you but.. he knew it was you, his partner that he had before his life completly went to shit (minus the catastrophe that occured with Blake, of course). He knew instantly, it was your eyes, your stature and just.. your overall warm and familiar aura that gave your identity away. He couldnt believe that the person he had so fucking desperately wanted to see more than anyone or anything was only a few feet away - and now, that you were finally here... All he wanted for you to do was to leave.

As soon as he saw you he felt a sudden tightness posses his chest and throat which accompanied the formation of tears burning his eyes; hastily blurring his vision. He had to physically restrain himself from sobbing outloud; trying his best to just swallow down his tears. His whole body felt as if it was on fire with anxiety, but he chose to continue to stand still behind a few dainty trees - trying to pull himself together so he could actually have the chance to think critically and choose what the ever living fuck he was going to do next.

While he waited for his blurry vision to clear, he chose to focus on the semi distant figure that he knew was you. He took in the little details; like how the sun highlighted the colors in your hair and your simple but charming outfit. It took him several moments to think of why you would even be here in the first place, with a school bus- and thats when another dreadful realization hit him.

Only parents were mainly chaperones when it came to elementary field trips.. meaning-

No other thought crossed Xaviers mind as his eyes flicked down inhumanely fast to the child where (y/n) stood next too.. and immeadietly he knew.

The features the child shared of both you and Xavier were partially a giveaway, but most importantly.. it was the feeling he had that confirmed his belief. The initial anxiety he felt of the kids arriving still remained but was significantly muted and mostly replaced with a overwhelming sense of pure love. The feeling spread to every fiber of his being, and so did a odd urge to protect this small being which he knew was his.

Not ever in his entire life had he felt this way about someone (execpt for perhaps, you). He felt himself taking a few steps forward, at first completly involuntary but he knew he had to talk to you. Just the idea of reuniting tasted so fucking good but, he knew he couldnt get too greedy if he was going to talk to you. He knew confronting you had to be solely done in order to save you and his child, he couldnt get carried away. He wouldnt.

He tried his best to appear casual as he submerged from behind the trees, his hands held behind his back - the only way he could get them to stop shaking. He tried to relax his shoulders and appear confident as he strided up to you; your back turned toward him. He continued until he was directly behind you, he wanted to tap your shoulder but - touching you seemed out of the question. That would confirm everything, it would make it seem actually real and not like this just some torturous dream.

"(Y/n)"? He spoke.

Xaviers breath hitched as he watched you whip around to face him. He studied your features as you went from looking utterly confused to surprised beyond belief.

"Xavier, what-"

"We need to talk".

Xavier quickly grabbed your hand, leading you away from herd of kids and the few sparse chaperones that were amongst them. A few of them gave you two a few odd looks but neither you or Xavier particularly cared, after all this was the first time in years you two had seen eachother. You hastily followed his lead, feeling slightly embarrassed that it was obvious how nervous and simply caught off guard you currently were. Your palms (one of which was still holding onto Xaviers hand) were starting to moisten with sweat. These feelings only amplified once Xavier turned around to face you. The intensity that was in his eyes put you on edge - never in your time of dating or knowing him did he ever look so serious with you.

"What are you doing here"? Xavier spoke, his voice was still in a higher pitch, slightly breaking.

"What"?

After years of not being able to see you, in fact; years of you not even knowing where he went - this was how he chose to greet you?? Automatically your blood ran cold with the sudden realization that something was wrong. Seriously wrong.. but the feeling didnt just apply to your ex boyfriend. It was the entire camp.

"Its not safe here, you need to take the kids and leave". Xaviers voice more visibly shook this time as he spoke; as if his words physically pained him.

Your heart skipped a beat, the sudden pain and anguish starting to fully settle in. You couldnt believe it; after years of not seeing you - this was all he had to say? Was he fucking joking?

"What? A-are you kidding? Xavier, I havent seen you in years- I didnt even know you would be here-"

"I'm sorry (y/n). I'm so sorry but you have no idea what this place is like. You just need to go, and the kids. And promise me you wont come back".

It was torturous to watch tears gather in Xaviers eyes, and watch as they streaked down his cheeks. The sadness you previously felt was now washed away with red, hot rage. The feeling spread throughout your body like a wildfire that he was seemingly rejecting you.. but you knew now this wasnt some pathetic excuse. Something was seriously wrong here; and now it was starting to become too obvious to ignore.

Xavier looked hauntingly the exact same from the last time you saw him. He forever, looked as if he was still stuck in the same moment of time - like in the summer of 1984, which was when you last saw him.

You didnt realize you were still holding onto one of his hands until you reflexively tried to move it to brush away his tears that were still staining his cheeks; but awkwardly.. you chose to do so with your other hand. Squeezing the one hand you were still holding onto a bit tighter.

He winced as you touched him, and as much you tried your damn best to hold it together - you could feel tears starting to burn your eyes as well.

"I cant promise I wont ever come back, Xavier. I need to see you again, and what about-" you said softly, about to reference the child you two shared together.

"No, you'll see me again (y/n). I promise.. okay"?

He brought your hand up to his mouth to kiss your knuckles; the tears you trying so desperately to hold in were now sliding down your cheeks. Your breathing was now horribly choppy. You were on the brink of full on sobbing but you held yourself back - it was nearly time for you to go.

The fact you would have to go back to go the others and make up some bullshit excuse to leave, put a bitter taste in your mouth.. but your sure Xavier had a valid reason for ushering you to leave. Even if he didnt want to tell you right now; you trusted him with your life.

"Okay.. Fine. I'm coming back though, and I'm sorry I couldnt find you sooner". You admitted.

You dropped his hand that you were still holding in order to wrap your arms around him. To get one final touch to remember him by. You were desperate to fully touch him and to be wrapped in his embrace, something you had desperately and madly missed. As he held you; you tried to soak in his scent, his aura.. just the fact that he was even here seriously with you, in this moment.

You previously assumed Xavier had passed away; that was easier to come to terms with rather than thinking he willingly ran away or.. that something else more sinister had happened. A part of you wanted to be frustrated that you were leaving with more questions than answers but.. you didnt care. Your heart didnt care. You were just happy you were able to see your boyfriend.. no matter the circumstance or conditions it came with. Even though you were stupidly happy, your thoughts kept annoyingly circling back to the same question - how was Xavier here with you, living.. breathing.. in the flesh. How was this possible? You were about to speak your thoughts outloud when you first felt Xavier break away from you. You didnt get as much as a second glance just when you felt something soft on your cheek. Perhaps a goodbye kiss? and then.. just like he wasnt there at all, he was gone. Almost as if he completly disintegrated into the fresh, morning sky.

You felt your entire body stiffen as you realized he was gone.. again. It was difficult to pinpoint exactly how you felt. It was a nasty mix of both grief and anger that left you completly speechless and deathly still. You took a step back to combat the feeling, and attempted to look casual (and not like the person whom you were just hugging had completly fucking vanished). Sheepishly taking a look at the group you had arrived with and making sure none of them noticed your.. odd behavior.

Sure enough, none of them did. They all stood, and continued on conversing just like they were before you had broke away from them. Smiling and laughing as if nothing was wrong; just like they didnt have a care in the world - just as if the love of their life wasnt ripped away from them for a second time.

Even though Xavier was now gone, that odd, unsettling feeling still lingered with you. Like something was terribly wrong here, in Camp Redwood. The feeling wasn't entirely bad though; sure - the overall air in this place reeked of something terrible but.. now you felt something else mixed into it. A comforting essence of safety; Xaviers presence. You knew he wasnt directly beside you anymore but he was somewhere.. lurking. Watching you, as you begrudgingly walked over to the group you came with. Making up a bullshit excuse in your head so you could escape whatever this place was pretending to be.

Taglist: @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakewaterxx @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @instincts-baby let me know if u would like to be added!! :)

[brelione]

4 times the pogues interupt you and JJ+ the 1 time you get to be alone.

Request:Hi!! Could I please request a fic with JJ? I was thinking “4 times the pogues interupt JJ and y/n’s alone time. And the 1 time they get to be alone. Maybe some smut if you are comfortable with that❤️ I hope this request make sense haha❤️❤️

Warnings:Smut,not proof read.

It had taken JJ a year and two months to finally get you to like him.Flirting with you at parties, making sure not to look in the direction of any other girl and stealing you candy bars.

You began to see him everywhere, at the beach where you went to collect seashells,sometimes coming up next to you and asking if he could help you collect them.He would show up at the coffee shop you worked at, a big grin on his face when you’d roll your eyes.

That eye roll eventually turned into an equally as happy grin, preparing his iced coffee for him before he even ordered it.You were a kook which meant he had to work extra hard.You werent one of the rude, stuck up kooks that were disgusted by pogues.

That was what originally made him so attracted to you.It wasnt until six months of not hooking up with any tourons, only talking about you that the pogues realized how serious he was and decided to help him out on his mission to get you to like him.

They didnt exactly like you,mainly because you were a kook but at the end of the day they really just wanted to see him happy.If another boy was flirting with you John.B would come up and start talking to the boy,most likely knowing him.JJ would then swoop in,offering you a gummy worm and asking how you were.

And now that he had finally got you he wanted to enjoy every moment he had with you.It took three months of the two of you dating for The Pogues to finally like you.It wasnt you yourself that Kiara didnt like, it was the fact that she had walked in on you and JJ.

JJ had you under him, your hands pinned over your head, his lips moving against yours as he grinded against you,trying his best not to start moaning.He chuckled at your quiet moans, kissing your forehead lightly before moving down to your neck, nipping at the sensitive skin and sucking at the flesh.

 “I love you.”He muttered,unbuttoning your cropped,flowy white shirt.You bit your lip as he began to leave kisses down your chest,holding your wrists down with one hand,using the other to unclip your bra and pulling it off of you completely,leaning back to admire you.

 “You’re so pretty, how did I get you?”He asked softly, still not understand.You grinned,slowly pulling your wrists from his grip.He let you, not forcing them to stay there.You leaned up,kissing him. “Because you’re fucking fantastic, even if you are a whore.”You giggled,kissing the tip of his nose.He squinted,pushing you back down.

 “Oh, youre gonna pay for that.”He smirked,licking a stripe down your chest,approaching your underwear. “JJ...please.”You pouted, watching as a smile tugged at his lip. “Its cute when you beg.”He licked his bottom lip,the skin staying between his teeth as he quickly looked you up and down,pulling off his shirt so you two were equal.

He sighed,about to tug on your underwear when Kiara opened the door,freezing when she realised what was going on.JJ threw a blanket over you, shouting for his friend to get out.Kiara closed the door,hand over her mouth. “What?”Pope asked, confused.They had just told her to go see if the two of you wanted to join them when they went surfing, not understand why Kie was so embarrassed. 

“I just saw shit that I never thought id see.”She whispered in disgust.JJ pulled the blanket off of you, laughing. “Oh my god.”You covered your face with your hands, feeling like you were about to cry. “I guess we should see what they want.”He frowned,getting his shirt back on,handing you your bra and shirt. “We’ll finish this later.”He winked at you,stepping out of the room.

Kiara never shut up about that,always finding ways to bring it up. “You guys are so gross.”She laughed, sipping her beer.JJ shrugged, not really caring as he threw his arm over your shoulders, pulling you close to him. “Shut up….”You grumbled,leaning into JJ’s touch. “You guys were going to do it while we were here!That’s so much worse!”She laughed, almost dropping her beer.

You looked down at your boyfriend,able to feel his boner even through yours and his pants, a grin on your face. “You’re so hard.”You leaned down to kiss him,squeezing his jaw. “Of course, pretty girl.You always make me hard.”He replied,his hands wresting on your hips. 

“Do I?”You questioned him,kissing his neck.He nodded,his hands slipping under your shirt and onto your waist,holding you against him.He closed his eyes so he could enjoy the feeling of you against him,your warm hands tugging at the hem of his shirt,pulling it off of him.

You gulped,staring down at his abs.You had seen him in swimsuits and his boxers but looking at him always amazed you.He was built like a renaissance statue or perhaps even a greek god.You pulled off your own shirt,watching his eyes widen and jaw drop.

Your body always amazed him despite seeing it dozens of times.He kissed your collarbones,moving down to your cleavage to leave kisses and hickeys,a smile on his face as he bit at your skin lightly. “You think they’ll hear us?”You asked,suddenly being pushed into the mattress,JJ now on top of you.

He shrugged,kissing you gently. “Just be quiet.”He told you,kissing you rougher this time away,biting at your bottom lip,slipping his tongue in your mouth,tugging lightly at your hair.“God,youre so fucking hot.”He whispered,tugging down your underwear,kneeling at the end of the mattress,beginning the teasing.

Licking a stripe through your fold,moaning when he tasted you.He let you place your hands in his hair,helping him set a good pace,trying to hold back your moans. “So pretty…”he whispered,watching your reaction as he pumped his fingers in and out of you.

You could feel the cold metal of his rings inside of you,the sensation odd but good. “JJ.”You whispered,needing more than just his fingers.He grinned at your eagerness,unzipping his pants.

Everything was fine until Pope burst in the room,screaming in horror before slamming the door,making loud gagging sounds. “Are you serious?”JJ yelled,huffing.You groaned,tired of this happening,hiding yourself under the blankets,allowing Pope to ask the question that he had come to ask in the first place.

 “Um...do you guys want to split a pizza with us?”He asked,embarrassed. “Really?That was the question that was so important?”JJ asked,becoming annoyed with every second that passed.Pope assumed that you guys wanted to split the pizza,closing the door again. 

“Maybe you should just come over my house.”You muttered,running your fingers through his hair.He chuckled,looking up at you. “yeah?You might love me but your rich ass parents dont,didnt they try to set you up with Topper?”He asked,remembering you complaining about it a couple months back.

You sighed, knowing that he was right.You knew that your parents would be gone for the weekend next week,a small grin on your face. “I mean...they’re going to the mainland next weekend.You should come over.”You suggested,watching a smile come across his face. “Next weekend you’re going to have the best night of your life.”He promised,excited.

Later that night after eating some pizza with the pogues you decided to tease JJ a bit.They decided that they wanted to get icecream,the five of you loading into the van to go to the icecream shop.You obviously sat on JJ’s lap as usual,his head on your shoulder,his hand creeping onto your thigh,squeezing lightly.

 “When we get back…”He whispered into your ear,smiling when John.B parked in the icecream shops parking lot,all of you getting out and ordering your icecream.JJ got his usual,a pineapple orange sundae with rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream while you decided on the green tea honey comb cream.

JJ was appalled by it,not understanding why you enjoyed it so much.He felt your hand on his thigh as you talked to Kiara,the two of you talking about the horrors of climate change.He didnt think anything of it at first utnil you began to palm him through his pants,unbuttoning them before pulling down the zipper.

As much as he hated the power you had over him he didnt want you to stop, wanting to see how far you’d go.He watched you eat your icecream,licking some of the melted dessert off the side of it.He shifted, gulping.You probably werent even trying,the thoughts mixed with your hand becoming too much for him when you suddenly pulled away,his eyes widening.

When you guys got back to John.B’s it was pretty dark,Kie,Pope and John.B deciding to have a fire while you and JJ decided to go to bed.He pressed you up against the door,glaring at you. “Why would you tease me?Did you want me to fall apart in front of them?”He asked,clearly upset by your actions.

You grinned,his hands on your shoulders and pushing you to the floor,on your knees. “Please be good to me,princess.”He requested,unbuttoning his pants,letting you tug them down along with his boxers,taking him in your mouth. “shit…”He whimpered,his hands going to the back of your head,his cock shoved half way down your throat,moans coming out of his mouth against his own will,eyes clenched shut as he fucked your mouth.

 “Fuck,you feel so good.”He praised you,trying not to be too rough on you,feeling you gag on his length,tears pricking at your eyes.He loosened his grip,worried that he would accidentally hurt you. “Good girl.”He whispered,his liquids spilling down your throat.

You swallowed it,pulling off of him,taking in deep breaths that you had been deprived of.He pushed you back onto the bed,pulling your shorts off of you,peeling off your panties,about to push into you when there was a knock on the door.His jaw clenched,staring down at you. “Fuck dammit.”He got off of you,getting his boxers on quickly.

 “What?”He called out,watching you hide your lower half under the blanket,scrolling through your phone casually. “Uh….do you wanna come to the fire with us?”He asked you guys, looking between the two of you.JJ shrugged,pulling on a pair of pajama pants,telling POpe you two would be out in a moment,handing you your underwear and shorts. “Cockblocks.”He muttered.

He was becom ing excited for the weekend that your parents would be gone,thinking of all the things he could do to you in one night.You two had never gone past blowjobs,fingering and hit eating you out no matter how often you tried.

He had never even been inside your bedroom before,nervous for a new location.He wasnt sure how often you had had sex or how much dick you could take,sure that it was fine and he’d figure it out that weekend.The morning after the fire he had turned on his side,wrapping an arm around your waist,placing sloppy,wet kisses along your neck,earning a giggle from you. 

“I love you.”He smiled,kissing your cheek.He groaned when John.B knocked on the door,telling you guys it was time to get up and get ready to go on the boat.JJ grinned,remembering what day at was,knowing he’d be able to take his time with you tonight.

The day took forever to pass,both of you becoming more and mor excited as the hours passed,finally getting to the dock that was attached to your backyard. “See you guys on Sunday.”JJ grinned,taking your hand and getting on the dock,seeing the confused looks on his friends faces.

They chose to ignore it,waving by to you guys and going off,creating ripples behind them.You and JJ were giggling quietly,finally getting inside your empty house,seeing three hundred dollars on the kitchen counter for dinner.

He licked his lips,glancing around the large room,seeing two staircases that lead to the same doors.You held his hand,leading him up the stairs,through the first set of doors,down one of three halls to your large bedroom.

The walls were white but covered with posters,photos and canvases,your bed was queen sized and made not too long ago from the looks of it.He saw your desk and your large tv on the wall,your closet and your little tray of plants. “What?”You asked,beginning to take off your shirt only for him to stop you,taking it off himself instead. 

“Nothing.”He answered,kissing you gently.He backed you up,pinning you to your bed,knowing that you probably wouldnt be up for a good couple of hours.He placed delicate kisses down your neck,pausing to pull off his own shirt.

He went slow,glad he could finally take time to enjoy the experience,knowing the pogues wouldnt walk in this time. “How far have you gone?”He asked,realizing he had never asked before. “Ive done it once or twice...never good though.”You admitted.

He grinned,unbuttoning your pants. “I’ll be good.”He started by sucking on you clit,hearing your moans.He was determined to make you finish at least once tonight,pushing his fingers inside of you,moving them quick.

Your moans were loud,not holding back now that the two of you were completely alone.He grinned,continuing to suck on you,curling his finger inside of you before adding another,commenting on how absolutely soaked you were. 

“Good girl.”He whispered,feeling you clench around his fingers,your fluids leaking out all over his fingers,a satisfied smile at his face now that he accomplished his goal,setting a new one for himself,licking his fingers clean.

 “JJ-please,I cant wait any longer.Please,just fuck me.”You whimpered desperately,feeding his confidence.He was quick to pull down his pants and boxers,just as desperate as you were. “Are you ready?”He asked,his elbows on either side of your head,lining himself up with your entrance.You nodded,trying not to look down,knowing you’d moan at the sight.

He kissed your forehead,pushing into you and reaching spots that had never been touched before.Your nails dug into his back,scratching angry red lines. “You okay?”He asked,realizing how deep your scratches went.

You nodded,urging him to keep going.He pulled out half way before plunging back into you,fingertips pushing into your hips,probably going to leave bruises the next day.You moaned with every thrust,his thumb rolling over your clit,making figure eights,biting his lip at the sounds of your loud moans,trying not to cum before you.

 “Gonna cum for me?”He asked,pouting when you shook your head. “Cant.”You answered,not quite there yet but you could feel yourself getting close.He chuckled,speeding up,grabbing the head board,his knuckles turning white by how hard he was gripping it,feeling you clench around him,moaning at the feeling. 

“You’re so good.”He praised you,continuing his thrusts but you werent complaining,still wanting more. He came inside of you,the wetness of both your fluids only making him go faster,grunting as he tried his best to hit your g spot every time,obsessed with the way you felt. “So tight….I wish I had come over sooner.”He kissed you again,gentle and soft unlike his thrusts.

 “I love you.”You bit down on his collarbone,making him smile. “Love you too.”He replied,thrusting into you one more time before you came undone for the third time that night,him following close behind you. “Round two later?”He asked,laying down next to you.

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[shoezuki]

Tommy's prison/revival arc isnt well written actually

Anyways ive been wanting to talk on it a while for a bit here but havent had the Time or like. The thought to. But im gonna go off now.

First off im gonna say im ASSUMING this stream and plot of tommy being in the prison with dream is written entirely by tommy and dream. Wilbur May be involved in the latest stream but im not sure.

Bringing tommy back to life after only three days of him being dead did practically nothing to progress plot, the characters, or audience's understanding. In fact i feel that it damaged Other characters' potential and plot and already established plotlines.

The 'development' aspect

A really, really easy way to see if anything has changed or developed through an arc or plotline is to straightup just compare the 'beginning' to the 'end' in terms of the barebones situation. So;

Beginning: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream, his own abuser who has hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. He's terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

End: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream after being killed then revived by him, his own abuser whos hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. Hes terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

Okay. This is simplified obvious. But the point stands. ALTHOUGH the troupe of 'going back to the beginning' is common in the heroes journey its. It doesnt work here. Has tommy learned anything? Has he changed as a character? Is the severity of their situation any different? Have we, as the audience, learned anything new?

Im going to expand on that last point because i think it has the strongest potential argument. Technically for progression in literature and development of plot/characters, things can Change without them being Aware as characters. It can change just by the audience's perception changing or being challenge.

Slight example: i've been reading a webcomic called Your Throne. Its a fantasy/political drama about a noble lady who entered a competition with another noble lady to become the empress. The main lady lost despite her being a better fit, and the comic starts with the main lady trying to assassinate the empress. Its assumed and stated by the main lady that she 'ruined her life' and so thats all the readers know. However, later in the novel we see flashbacks to the competition itself and find that the two ladies were extremely close friends, neither wanting anything bad for the other, but it was the emperor himself who manipulated both of them for his own agenda. Those flashbacks gave us an entirely different idea of who the real antagonist is and completely changed the two main ladies' relationship. THAT is how the audience's understanding of the plot and novel can be used to change the entire story. We dont get such here though

Some things that were brought to light during tommy being dead/revived:

Dream is capable of reviving people infinitely

This was already implicated and assumed. The book dream has being a means of reviving people has been around Technically since schlatt's death. This just 'confirmed' what was known

Time works differently/feels longer in the afterlife

This doesnt really impact much beyond emotions and implications. If we had more insight into what the 'afterlife' is like beyond nothingness perhaps so. But really it just makes it so wilbur being dead for what feels like 9 years and tommy having been dead for 2 months appeal to emotions.

Wilbur is evil

This one fuckin sucks i cant lie HSKSHSISSGEGDV. Like i was gon go on bout it and i will but it jus sucks. We have nothing to go on besides tommy's word, no examlles of what Horrible things wilbur said could make tommy assume this, etcetc. Ill most likely make a seperate post on how this feels like we're just going to get 'wilbur is a horrible villain' type with him. But still. I feel wilbur Not Being Good isnt a new development.

Dream is going to revive wilbur

This doesnt feel new either, part because phil had wanted to revive wilbur before (ill get to that more later) and that tommy had kept dream alive/initially imprisoned him with the idea of him reviving wilbur.

Dream believes wilbur will break him out of prison

Okau this makes no sense to me actually. I cwnt understand How exactly wilbur would be able to do this? Or why dream believes he even Could? Mans been dead for like 9 years and all we Know of the afterlife is that its black... nothingness. How would 9 years of that make wilbur capable of busting the prison open?

So. Yeah. All in all this plotline hasnt done anything new, developed things, or altered people's perceptions. We just ended up back at square one. Back to tommy being traumatized, dream being 'evil' and horrible and doing villain monologues, and them being stuck together.

Other characters and plotlines

Im pretty damn sure tommy's revival fucked up a LOT of other characters' plotlines and potential development. Honestly i feel this has a lot to do with the writers not communicating with other ccs well enough. But Ill talk about specific characters from least to most fucked over in my opinion:

Sam

He's the best off. He hqd been there during tommy's death, had been close to tommy, had majorly blamed himself and his own mistakes for tommy's death. His grief and self hatred was actually really heartbreaking and well done. The attached character of Sam Nook being unaware of tommy's death and simply waiting for tommy to return was a really good parallel to sam's own grief and anger. like it really snapped sam the guy who cares for tommy and wants to do Right by him back together with him as the Warden of the prison. Mixed personal life with 'just business'.

I feel it wouldve been nice to have him like. Have more time to grieve properly and come to terms eith tommy's death and his own involvement/influence over the events. Him finding tommy alive again Could be a means of him like. Facing his own grief head on if done well.

Ranboo

Mostly in the context of him and sam's argument do i feel it got screwed over. The weight of them yelling at each other and trying to find who to blame and the implications that Maybe ranboo was the one who caused the security breach that closed down the prison on tommy just.... doesnt hit so hard anymore. Because how can there be blame and arguments and a 'who done it' mystery when tommy popped up all fine again?

Puffy

I dony know much of her involvement or how she found out tommy died (besides metagaming shhhhh) but i saw her monologuing of how they 'failed' tommy and like. Her whole 'he was so young we the Adults failed him' spiel is like........... inconsequential? Now??? Like no dont worry he died but hes alright now.

Philza

BET YOU DIDNY EXPECT TO SEE THIS FUCKER!!!!!! But actually though i want to talk bout how this ties into phil. A LOT. for Zalbr ❤. But also because i see ppl tying phil to tommy's death n like nah shutup u doin it wrong. Ill go off more in a Wilbur Post. But essentially: i dont like that dream is now going to revive wilbur. I feel they arent going to tie philza into this Despite phil having originally been trying to revive his son and studying on it and Attempting and Failing. But now suddenly dream can just. Say some magic words and Poof wilbur lives? So we're just going to Kill philza's revival attempts plotline and leave that hanging? This made his efforts seem pointless and Wack like oh why didnt you just Say The Magic Words phil????

Niki

I feel really bad for niki. She hasnt been able to do a lore stream during tommy's 'death' (she tweeted she wanted to but her computer wasnt working) and considering her entire character.... that shit is important. We seen it with Jack Manifold how tommy's death impacted Him considering he literally wanted tommy dead. And since niki is in a similar boat to jack of trying to kill tommy and it being her Only goal...... thats extremely important.

BUT. i feel there wasnt any communication. Did she or anyone even know tommy would be revived? Did no one consider they could At Least let her do a single stream on it? Like jack manifold????

We couldve gotten a Really good niki lore stream. I genuinely was so excited for it and i dont regularly watch her. But we seen it with jack manifold which is why i dont feel he got screwed because mans genuinely did So Good he could pop off with anything n i think it works in His favour. But now........ for niki. Canonically she never even knew tommy was Dead. So its like nothing even happened for her. Is she just supposed to continue on trying to kill tommy with no progression?

What i think would work

This is more me being like 'hey @ the dsmp writers let me in' type speculation sbosegussgs. But i was thinkin on a Really easy way to 'fix' this without rewriting lore and the streams.

Dream should kill tommy again now that he's been revived and Leave Him Dead.

More development for the characters who are affected by his death Especially niki. More time for grief and self reflection and development

A chance for the audience to figure out what the 'afterlife' really is.

Dream is supposed to be smart and a master manipulator or something right? Why doesnt he use being able to revive tommy as a bargaining chip with sam for his own freedom?

The audience would now Know dream's intentions with tommy better, that this death isnt 'final', but we could still see other characters' grief and reactions and coping without it feeling cheap. Ive seen some 'but people dont know tommy is alive so hes still dead in their mind' but that sucks imo.

We'd know more on dream's ability to revive people and that he can just Do It on a whim (which i think sucks but hey im trying) but no one else would know this canonically

Okay. Im done. If you read this. Thankyou. I love you. Hmu.

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Tommy’s (and Tubbo’s) Character /rp /dSMP

This is a bit of a rant so like be warned. I have nothing against any CCs mentioned in this, this is all roleplay, lighthearted, and just a bit of fun analysis. Mostly this is a ramble about how I see certain people analysing Tommy’s character on tumblr and twt, and why I think they’re wrong. This isn’t directed at anyone specific, just a trend I’ve been seeing that kinda irks me. I don’t dislike the fandom, just a few ‘takes’ have been really weird for me.

TW for everything below: analysing the effects of trauma, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of therapy.

I’m not really liking how victim-blamey everyone is getting currently in the dSMP, both in fandom and canon. In canon with certain characters but especially in fan analysis posts and especially about Tommy and Tubbo. People legitimately celebrating that Tommy might start ‘apologising’ for his actions more and 'growing as a person' somehow don’t realise that hes been made this way through a tonne of negative reinforcement. abuse, and gaslighting. And people blaming Tubbo for actions he had no choice in, rather than the actions he did choose.

Currently, as I see it, Tommy is so scared that anyone would find a reason to be pissed off at him that his fighting spirit has been completely crushed. He was exiled and abused when he should have been helped and given an understanding figure to guide him and teach him how to deal with things non-violently. In everyone’s eyes, the problem was that Tommy was creating violence with no real reason, acting recklessly and commiting crimes. Tubbo, having made him a part of his cabinet, knew that this would only harm the country. So instead of talking to him reasonably, he got angry, put him on trial, and punished him with the logbook (humiliating him by making him report back to Fundy, which he obviously hated). Tommy’s actions were, of course, bad, but did he deserve everyone ganging up on him? No. Especially when Tubbo was supposed to be in his corner, helping him out like he always said he would (”It’s me and you vs Dream” etc). This is the first betrayal of trust from Tommy’s POV. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong to its full extent, and no one can explain it to him. 

However, Tubbo was under a lot of pressure from Dream and George, and he’s a literal child President, so his ‘safety over friendship’ actions are understandable. I don’t believe Tubbo is solely to blame for anything he’s done in season 2, but it can’t all be excused. If you are to blame Tommy for his recklessness, you have to blame Tubbo, at least partially, for his disregard for Tommy’s feelings and mental state. There were other ways to go about the entire thing, including the trial, which was just horrible to watch, and agreeing to give Dream the disc, something Tommy gave him in pure confidence that it would be safe with Tubbo. Yikes moment.

At that time, Tubbo knew a lot of things about Tommy. In fact, he probably knew the most about Tommy out of anyone on the server. He knew the discs were incredibly important and a comfort item for Tommy. He knew Tommy had trauma from being exiled in the past. He knew Tommy was abused, or at least manipulated by Wilbur, in addition to growing up in war. Wilbur once told Tommy to stop being reckless, and Tommy listened, changing his attitude because he looked up to Wilbur so much. Then Wilbur said ‘let’s be the bad guys’ and stopped trying to mentor Tommy. There’s a conflict here, because Tommy was told by Wilbur that he wasn’t good enough to be President (links to the idea of ‘not being strong enough’) but he knows that Wilbur was a bad person. But Tommy is never given the chance to reconsile his feelings surrounding Wilbur, both because of Ghostbur and because of the conflict he starts with George. So he is harbouring a mixture of emotions about his mentor and brother, not understanding how to untangle the ‘real Tommy’ from the manipulated boy he became. 

What was going through his head when he stole from George and griefed him? Perhaps the thought that he needed to show he was still the same old Tommy. Maybe the need to ‘prove himself’ as a strong person? It could have just been an outlet for his trauma. He’s grown up in a world where everyone is either a friend or an enemy. George isn’t a friend. How was he supposed to know that hurting him was bad?

Tubbo was pressured into the actions he took against Tommy, but he was pressured far too easily. There is no moment where Tubbo turns to Tommy and makes sure he’s okay, he views him as ‘selfish’ and overdramatic, and sees his actions that way. This makes sense from Tubbo’s POV, he’s struggling to be President in ways that Wilbur *knew* he would, but in Tommy’s eyes this is the worst betrayal he’s ever known. The moment Tubbo (rightfully, but poorly executed) defies Tommy’s plan to hire Technoblade (ahem, seeing Techno as a weapon again) and exiles Tommy is the moment their friendship shatters. They’re two people who don’t understand each other anymore. Two people who are technically in the right, but only hurt each other. 

What Tommy needed was a therapist, instead he had Dream, who put out the fire of rebellion that made him so strong, and Techno, who was trying to help but doing it in the wrong way. 

People see tommy's change post-exile as a good thing because he's not as rebellious anymore and he’s thinking things through a lot before he does them, but they will soon realise that his rebellion was one of his best traits and the fact that no one saw it as anything but a problem really shows. He now second-guesses himself so much and is so scared of being wrong that everything seems too difficult and too dangerous. Every trait can have a positive and negative side. Tommy's defiant nature would have made him the perfect negotiator with a little practise. In fact, he had plenty of good ideas before he was exiled (using spirit against Dream, though it didnt work in the end, for example). The negative side of this was recklessness and the desire to cause problems on purpose, but what he needed was a friend (looking at you Tubbo) who understood that hes been through several wars, was manipulated by Wilbur, and hasnt known a time of peace where everyone who wasnt on his side was out to kill him. Now that ‘fight’ is gone he's just become easier to manipulate.

He may be getting better (see: telling Dream to go fuck himself) but there hasn't been any long-term growth because he was never told what kind of rebellion was good and what was bad. He was just told it was all bad. By Dream (and by Tubbo). Who he doesn't trust. So he's just going to revert back to his old ways because no one told him what was bad in a way that didn't make him feel like everyone was against him. Dream is the enemy (though Tommy’s feelings towards him are complicated, they make his brain go all ‘flippy floppy’) and Dream told him that rebellion was bad, so rebellion must be good always, right? 

And then there's Techno. Techno did nothing wrong except for when he did. Techno is 100% right except for when he isn’t. He doesn't understand Tommy because Tommy was never fully open about what Dream had done and how it affected him. That's not Tommys fault though, because who the fuck openly talks about their trauma? So neither of them are to blame for pretty much anything up until the confrontation at the community house. 

However, Techno's methods and ideology were not what Tommy needed. He was thrown from one extreme to another over and over again, from complete subservience to total rebellion. Neither of these inforce good attitudes in Tommy. One, as stated before, makes it so that he will regain his negative traits again. The other reinforces those violent traits as good, just like Wilbur did. The only difference is that Techno had good intentions, he wasnt trying to use Tommy, which is why he feels so used when Tommy 'betrays' him (Techno doesnt realise that he himself betrayed Tommy by teaming with Dream, he sees it more as a transaction than a personal thing). Techno feels so hurt by Tommy ‘viewing him as a weapon’ that he goes on with his no-mercy attack, completely dropping Tommy at his lowest point. 

Tommy says he doesn't want to be like everyone he's hated. In fact, he say's he is 'worse' than all the villains. This is very obviously untrue, though he was clearly going down a dangerous path with Techno's influence (see: bullying Fundy, spawning wither, kidnapping Connor, and saying that the discs are more important than Tubbo, more on that later). He's not a villain but who exactly has said he's not a villain. Dream? Techno? Neither of them can be trusted in his eyes. They say he's a good guy, Wilbur wanted to be the bad guy, who's right? He doesn't know. He has a crisis of morality. 

And? Some people want to point at that and say 'aha! Character development! He's finally realising his actions have a negative affect on others!' OH GOD NO??? He's a *child* who thinks that he is worse than his abuser. Does that sound like positive character growth to you? 

Lastly, the discs. We know theyre a comfort item blahblahblah. He hates himself for valuing them more than he values Tubbo. He's literally innocent in this. He’s been horribly manipulated by Dream to believe that the discs are worth anything. Theyre really not worth anything if they are being used as tools rather than, yknow, discs. My poor boy. He doesnt trust people, so what can he trust? The discs. But then he says it out loud and realises he misses Tubbo and he wants to be with his best friend again and and and WAHHHH. This also isnt really character growth its just fucking sad leave me alone. 

Anyways what the fuck guys. @ Niki and Jack what the fuck. Yeah we get it it’s miscommunication but wtf. Kinda worried that the actual lore will make Niki and Jack’s hatred of Tommy justified in some way and take on a big victim-blamey vibe, but I’m hoping that everyone is smart enough to not do that. I cannot praise Tommy enough for how he’s portrayed his character. I’m currently hoping that he himself understands the true complexity of it all. I’m sure he does.

Mostly though im actually pissed off at all the people praising tommy's character for 'maturing' when hes literally just got trauma. Nice one, tumblr and twt users. Thanks. Great job. He hasnt 'learnt his lesson', he’s traumatised. What the fuck.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, leave your responses in the reblogs and comments.

[floralkittygambler]

RadioDust is the Healthiest Toxic Ship for Angel so far

@honesthazbinarchives​ Briefly. I’d like to go into this more in the future BUT these are the main points I said I’d do. Heh ‘stay tuned’ for why HuskerDust is toxic [haaaa funny fuckin reference n shit like Viv herself aint overdone it]. Yer dont even wanna know the lack of enthusiasm in tryna do a playful ‘cringetopia’ joke - wasnt as fun as anticipated. Anyfuckinways, the shit. Before we begin, disclaimers n whatnot, no hate intended, dni if you’re a bit of a knobhead [either stan or extreme anti], an all that nonsense. I dont own the characters no shit.  In this I’ll discuss how RadioDust aka SpiDEER (thats right, yer stuck w my shit humour now) is both the healthiest ship for Angel we’ve seen so far but still rather toxic. Idc if you hate me for it but dont fuckin waste yer time telling me. Great. I dont care. Yer fuckin hard n whatnot for harassin strangers online. Big dick energy to you. This will be slightly messy, my apologies, it’s a quick summary of many points.

Alright. Firstly, out of the entire male cast Angel interacts with over all platforms, Al is given a fair bit of mercy in terms of sexual advances. In fact, a swift ‘no’ and Angel doesn’t do it again - unlike most of the other cast [pent’s is covert, husks is overt]. One thing I like is that Angel himself admits to their chemistry (claiming that whilst he thinks Al’s a prick, he thinks Al dislikes him which saddens him as he’d at least like to be friends as he feels they have good chemistry - according to the VA via Hunicast’s 1yr anniversary), there’s no further efforts to jump on his dick but a clear curiosity/interest in what Al can do.  Lets go to the basics, both are of similar age [allegedly in their 30s, though Ive heard Al may be up to mid 40s] as well as created near the same-ISH time (as in, Viv’s oldest characters, at least for HH). Likewise, Viv admitted to knowing fuck all on either of their eras (and to make that public wasn’t really a wise choice BUUUT if you felt the need, it’s better worded with interest “Right now I’m working towards educating myself more on their time periods to improve their portrayals” <-- crucial if yer want that ‘realism’). Because of their real-world ages, Viv confesses they’re her favourites (even if you didnt know, she makes it pretty clear). It could be a nice ‘homage’ to their impact in her life but not too relevant otherwise. It could fulfil the need for self indulgence that she’s unhealthily leaking into the canon - which will ultimately make the series shit. No sugarcoating there.  As for their ages, a relationship can work whether the gap is large or small HOWEVER there are many ethics and conflicts to each. And being an adult into kids is always fucked up. With that being said, studies have shown that closer ages often work better due to the often similarities in mindset, maturity and life goals (older folks are more likely to want to settle, younger often have more ambitions), likewise there tends to be an unbalanced power-dynamic if the ages are too far, which can lead to various types of abuse. Dont get me wrong, being with someone much older (AS LONG AS NONE OF YALL ARE KIDS) very much CAN work - but rarely. There’s much more hardwork needed as well as being in the right mindset for both, otherwise it’s bad. More on that in HD. Long story short, both are closer in age meaning both are more ‘relatable’ to one another. There’s common grounds, even in the eras there’s some higher understanding of one another. Notice how Vaggie and Charlie are similar in age? (Even though Charlie is far older, her appearance and mentality for her race is on par with Vaggie’s, making it far more likely to work out positively) One of the most prominent out of all of this however is their actual interests. So listing; Both like action/chaos/having fun (often at the expense of others), both love cooking and can be food snobs in their own right, both have sadistic AND masochistic tendencies, Al likes performance and theatre whilst Angel loves *to* perform, on that last point Angel was very intrigued and enjoyed Al’s song number/performance naturally, both really enjoy pranks and both enjoy liquor (neither show an actual addiction, but rather an interest in social drinking - no dependencies on it). Again, close eras mean both have a higher probability of understanding the other and their lifestyles better. Both are high on appearance and love themselves, implying self confident mindset (healthy BUT the narcissism isnt) yet enough consideration for how they are viewed. On the parent system, one adores his mama whilst the other hates his pops.  Now Ive gone on about how they’re similar. But similarities ALONE is not enough. If it was, then fandom’s would be a lil more harmonious~ A HEALTHY relationship needs compatibility, POSITIVE conversation flow, common grounds, trust, openness and understanding. Even then, some people click and some just dont. It’s like how you can just hate someone for no reason. It just IS. Common grounds and similarity is scientifically proven to be attractive to someone - be it good or BAD. People are drawn to those like their parents in some way usually, likewise we look for people similar to ourselves (from our interests, to humour, beliefs, goals, etc). Science itself states that ‘opposites attract’ solemnly applies in the real world successfully. Though similiarity plays a large role, there has to be some differences too - that person is STILL an individual separate to yourself. Too similar and it’s boring. Too similar and you’ll do everything together without some ‘you’ time. Both Vaggie and Charlie have similar interests/hobbies in dance and music, yet still have enough differences to be identifiable when together. Vaggie is more grounded than Charlie. Charlie gives some optimism and fun to Vaggie. Remember, a partner does NOT complete you - that’s a toxic mindset when taken too seriously, You complete YOURSELF. Whether you have someone or not, you must feel complete in yourself as to not slip into toxic dependency on a lover - to become them, a shadow of them or feel like you’ve lost your identity without them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Chaggie compliments each other without a dependency. You stand alone yet uplift one another. You don’t always agree but in the end you always have each other’s backs. Love is often butchered in a toxic light in the media.  So taking that into consideration, how does spideer work? Well, here’s some examples of good, bad and neutral: - Angel loves animals, Al fears/dislikes dogs. Perhaps Angel could assist him in overcoming this? - Al hates being touched, Angel dislikes being squeezed. Maybe this could help them reach an understanding... Or cause a rift? - Angel was the only one to break Al’s composure, either Angel is the *key* to delving further into Al’s more raw self... Or just another obVOXious pest? (yeah, I said it-) - Neither respect other’s boundaries, meaning both may fuel the other to be overly disrespectful in this area. Not good. - Angel is a sarky/sarcastic fuck, Al loves dry humour. Both seek amusement and chaos. In relationships one needs to see how conversation flows and in the hunicasts, both keep up some good as well as toxic banter. Both could roast the fuck out of an opponent however. - Al is acro/ace, Angel is hypersexual (appears like a sex addict - now I say this as his book has a crossed out ‘fun stuff’ with ‘work shit’ written on it. He’s always fixed on sex from his job to his humour), this could either aid Angel ease up on the sex stuff OR make him overly push it onto Al causing major rifts and discomfort (aces can have sex, ref to ace posts that real asexuals put to understand more but no one wants to be forced into sex is the point here). And we��ve already discussed their lack of respect for boundaries. The positive is that maybe this will make Angel understand how Val is rubbing off on his own behaviour towards men [again, more on that in the HD post]. - Both similar yet different in a way that does suit their compatibility chances but that doesnt mean they will click, it just improves the odds. - Both have similar enemies in Val and Vox, they’re on common terms. Likewise, Al is against the ‘sexual deviance’ of hell meaning he may be oddly supportive and protective of Angel in terms of Val. I dont even think his sadism will override this either. - Al dislikes modern tech, Angel seems to use it as his job requires it. A nice little menial difference. - Only ONE is an addict. Take it from an expert, you NEVER put two addicts together. They’re very vulnerable and prone to slipping deeper into their addictions as well as depending on each other too much that they essentially become very clingy, suffocating and toxic to each other. Seen it in action, it’s ugly.  - Both could have a lot of fun and calm moments with each other. - He isn’t immediately smitten with Al but immediately shows a natural interest in Al’s powers and performance, embracing it openly. Leads for a good friendship turned lovers plot. - In Viv’s patreon, she confirmed Angel loves confident guys [sounds exactly like Al] We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea.  Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict.  Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both.  Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate. I live with an ‘Angel Dust’ like person. It used to feel like life gave her everything and most times it did. Everyone loved her and she could get away with murder if she wanted to. But now she’s had to struggle and grow, let go of some ‘wants’ because they werent good for her and she’s becoming better for it. She has a long way but she’s more humble for it now [still got self confidence but it’s less narcissism now, which is more healthy for her]. Also, they make the word anal lol

[yami-writes]

BabyCat

(header by me)

Summary: Todoroki's s/o gets hit by a quirk that not only turns her into a baby, but also~ a cat. It is now his job to take care of her until she turns back.

Word count: 1.6k

warnings: fluff (sprinkled angst tehe)

a/n: hello! its been a while since ive actually finished a fic, but here’s my entry(?) for @mha_random_thoughts ‘s ShouCat week! <3

Todoroki’s eyes widened when he saw yaoyorozu holding what seemed to be a mini version of his girlfriend and Mr. Aizawa standing behind her. “She got hit by a quirk.” he firmly stated. “To be specific, the quirk turned her into what seems to be a 3 year old child….” yaoyorozu she said, as she closely examined you “and…… a cat…”  “Yeah whatever, just take care of her until she turns back. Yaoyorozu can answer your questions on how to take care of her.” Aizawa walked away, mumbling something about it being too early. Yaoyorozu carefully sets you down on the floor and watches as you latch onto her leg “i'm- im not really sure how you would go about taking care of her~ so you on your own, sorry, todoroki……” she says, as she places you on the couch beside her and walks off, presumably to her room. Todoroki took a glance at you, then at his phone; 7:35am. “How do you get yourself into these situations, y/n…?” he sighed, as he looked back at you. He took a good look at you; you seemed like a normal 3 year old as yaoyorozu said, but you had cat ears on the top of your head. His heart instantly melted at the sight of you. Two things he loves in one! He reached out his hand before immediately pulling back, like he was scared. Scared of burning or freezing you, perhaps? He certainly didn't know how to go about holding you, which would be essential in taking care of you, luckily that debate with himself didn't last long, as you had gotten up and latched on his left leg while he was distracted. You felt him flinch before immediately picking you up with his left hand “so you like my left side, huh?” he asked, but you obviously didn't answer, instead you made yourself comfortable against his chest, feeling the warmth emitting from him. “I'll take that as a yes.” 

~

Todoroki decided it would be best to stay in his dorm until it was time to get ready for classes, just so he wouldn't have you taking everyone’s attention. He tried to get himself together and figure out how to take care of you, but he was having difficulty, all he could see was his father. He didn't want to be like him, he wanted to be caring, he wanted to be a good parent, but he didnt know how. All he could see was his past abuse and it was starting to get to him. Any simple mistake he made would affect you one way or another, but he didn’t know how to prevent those mistakes from happening. He didn't have anything to go off of and it was slowly tearing him apart. He wasn't even sure how to pick you up, all he knew was that you liked his left side, but what if he burns you? He knows you're probably sensitive to temperatures, but he doesn't know how hot or cold it could get until it's unhealthy. Todoroki’s inner panic was put to a pause when he felt your small body cuddle on his left side yet again. Just having your body so close to his put him at ease. He went with his instincts and picked you up and held you close. Any worries he had before melted away at the sight of you falling asleep almost instantly in his arms.

~

Todoroki took a glance down at his phone; 8:15am. Seems like a good time to head down to the common room. He got up and made his way over, the sudden movement waking you. There surprisingly weren’t a lot of people, but fair considering it was an early Friday morning. He walked over to the kitchen to get you some breakfast “uhm….. What do you eat?” he asked, as he carefully places you on the kitchen island. The two of you basically have a staring contest until he decides to take a look around the kitchen for something you would be able to eat. As he was rummaging around in the fridge, he placed a very red, shiny, ripe apple right beside you. Your little cat ears pointed upwards as you reached for the very appealing fruit. but In that moment, Todoroki spun around and grabbed the fruit before you could even lay a finger on it. reflexes? You pouted as he took the apple you desired and put it out of reach. “I'll cut the apple so you can eat it. Do you want some milk with that?” he asked, as he got out a knife, to which you nodded.

~

Todoroki put down a plate of beautifully sliced apples and a small glass of milk for you to enjoy. He watched as your face instantly lit up before picking up a slice of apple. Your small baby fangs(?) bit into the apple slice, as he watched you enjoy the small meal he prepared for you. “Oh hey, todoroki!” he heard a familiar voice say “ah, Midoriya….” he responded, not taking your eyes off you. “Uhm… is that a child..?” the green-haired boy asked “w-wait… Y/N!?” He inspected you closely, taking note of every detail while your boyfriend stands behind him, very silent. “Interesting, this is probably the result of quirks merging and becoming more complex…” he continued his incoherent rambling as todoroki picked you up and brought you away from him.

~

Todoroki sat down on a couch and sat you down on his lap. He took out his phone to check the time; 8:50am. “We have some extra time, what do you wanna do?” he asked. He listened intently to your incoherent babbling, remembering your current state. “Todoroki!” he heard another familiar voice say “what are you doing? You're going to be late!” iida said, chopping the air. “Uhm, its not time yet.” todoroki responded, taking note that iida seemed to not notice you. “At this rate you are going to be late! As class rep i cannot allow that!” “.....ok.”

~

Todoroki got up and began to make his way out the door and to class, carrying you in his arms. The two of you watched as iida used his engines to get him to class faster.

~

When the two of you got to class, not surprisingly, there werent alot of people. Todorki took his seat and placed you on his lap. He held you with his left hand as he took out his stuff with his other. You sat in silence throughout class, taking note of every little thing thats happening around you. The two of you went through your first half of classes without any problems, now it was lunchtime. Midoriya had suggested for him to give you fish for lunch, considering your a cat, so he did. He sat you on top the lunch table and watched as the dekusquad entertained you. His mixed matched eyes only had you in sight, quite creepy honestly.

~

The two of you made it to your last class of the day, the last 5 minutes before going back to the dorms spent doing anything but work. Todoroki had allowed the girls to play with you until he left, but he wasn't happy about it. “Todoroki, you need to calm down, its not a big deal. Their just playing with y/n, its fine!” midoriya said, noticing his friend staring at you enjoying yourself with the girls “...its not that simple.” he bluntly said, his soul piercing eyes still staring right at you. Midoriya let out a defeated sigh, knowing he wasnt gonna convince him. 

~

The end of class came and todoroki gladly swept you away from the 1-A girls with a huff. He didn't even give a warning, just took you.

~ 

When you two made it back to the dorms, he went straight to his room. Just knowing such a fragile, innocent child was currently in his possession and in need of protection was stressful. He lied down in bed with a groan and placed you beside him. He didn't have any plans for what to do next. He continued to think about how the day went. Sure, it went without any casualties but, how could it have gone better? Sure he cant change the past, but he felt guilty for whatever reason. I could’ve tried harder, He thought. He continued to try and think of something the two of you could do until you turned back. 

~

purrrrr purrrrrrrr~ todoroki looked down only to see you had crawled onto his chest and fell asleep. His heart melted at the sight of you looking so peaceful. At that point, he allowed your quiet purring to lure him to sleep.

~

Todoroki woke up to a feeling of emptiness, like something was missing... “y/n?” he called out. He looked beside him, only to see you almost on the edge of the bed, asleep. “y/n.” he said, sitting up and bringing you into his arms “wake up,” “huhh??” you said, slowly opening you eyes “oh, shouto…” 

“hello, love. Do you remember anything?” 

“i remember everything!” you smiled. “And i have come to one conclusion” you said, as you sat up in the bed, you watched todoroki’s face very closely, trying to find a hint of emotion. None. “i think you’d be a great father to our children, shouto” you continued to scan his face, his eyed slightly widened at your statement, catching him off guard. It surprised him, but it made him happy at the same time, the fact that you wanted to have his children. He pulled you into a hug, resting his forehead on your shoulder “im glad you see me that way, y/n.” he whispered 

“nothing would make me happier.”

thank you for reading! <3

[pastellipanic]

Junkenstein's Legend

It isnt a secret that I like Overwatch. It isnt a secret that my favourite event is the Halloween event of Junkensteins revenge. It also isnt a secret that I get hyperfixated onto uncommon things or parts of things. So today, presented by my hyperfixating grey brainmatter, I bring you:

The Full Tale of Junkensteins Revenge

Or, you know, the The Full Tale of Junkensteins Revenge as Theorized by Pastelli During Sleepless Nights. Anyway, we shall start at the beginning!

(Everything in this story is theorized upon the tidbits of canon information from the game, the comics and details of skins, sprays and maps. You are entitled to disagree with my theorization and I will gladly take on any opposing theories if they are given to me with a constructive and positive vibe. I will also gladly have a chat with anyone who is interested in the subject or has ideas I hadnt considered. That being said, Enjoy!)

Chapter 1: The sad beginnings of a mad doctor and his first step onto the battlefield.

Doctor Jamison Junkenstein was a young lad who worked for the local Lord Reinhardt in a town of Adlersbrunn located in the outskirts of Black Forest. He was a brilliant mechanic, engineer and had no fear of working with electricity, hence he had gotten the job in the first place. While his social skills were limited and his fame in the town stained, he was a hard worker and a genius in his own field. At some point during his career, he got bored of the same old electricity and piping, and began to experiment in robotics. His first one was a crude little thing but he was proud of it, so he decided to continue on this path. He began to dream of building live automatons, creatures that could think and feel for themselves. Perhaps it was the fact that he yearned for someone to befriend whilst the townspeople mistreated and disrespected him for his oddities, or perhaps it was his pride towards his own intelligence. However it may be, he started spending more time upon making the automatons, "omnics" as he called them or "Zomnics" as they were later called by the townspeople for their ghastly slow movements. Lord Reinhardt was displeased by him giving his time to such silly things, even more so when Junkenstein came to his door to show them. Every time he made adjustments and showed them to the Lord, he waved the "useless trinkets" away, and everytime his already feeble fame deteriorated in peoples rumours. Madman, lunatic and fool were quickly becoming synonyms for his name. This only spurred him on in his quest to prove them wrong. The metal husks laying in his laboratory soon turned to dug up corpses, the wires he used to put inside turned to stitches on the flesh and what he couldnt understand in anatomy he changed into machinery. Soon he had a body, half organic half inorganic, and all he needed was to make it come alive. Bloodpumping didnt work. Watershocks didnt work. Exchanging the heart into a running motor didnt work. Atlast he tried using electricity to bring his creation to life, unsuccessfully. Junkenstein was exhausted, abused and even his trust in his skills had failed him. He was on the brink of quitting and burying that stupid project, until...

Witch of the Wilds appeared!

The Witch of the Wilds was a well known individual, feared by all near and far for her magic. It was rumoured she could turn coal into gold, make waterfalls run upwards and burn a castle with the flick of her wrist. She was also known from her coming to people at their darkest hour and offering a solution... for a price. And thats exactly what she offered Junkenstein, a solution to his problems; the spark of life. She only asked for a favor, one she would come collect in a nearby future and one that he couldnt refuse. He accepted. He had nothing to lose. Applying the spark of life onto his machine, he started the creatures heart and mind. There were a lot of things that went through its mind when it woke, curiosity and giddiness, but most importantly: Panic. In a furious frenzy it tore itself from its bindings and ran out, into the streets of Adlersbrunn. The townspeople, upon seeing the monster, immediately screamed, cried, yelled, attacked and fled. The monster had no sympathy for people so cruel as the baker who hit it or the children kicking its shins, so he let out his rage onto the masses. It was carnage.

Junkenstein was happy. He had succeeded! His monster was doing exactly what he wanted; avenging the years of societal neglect and bullying Junkenstein had gone through. Yet he had no control over the monster, and no idea how to get it to the Lords doorstep. A couple of hours of manipulating the routes and trying to get the monster where he wanted, he finally got to the door.... Only to find that while he was busy, so was the Lord. He had hired a few wanderers to protect him when he had heard of the happenings in the town. An old soldier searching for a fight, an alchemist practizing her talent, an archer running from the past and a gunslinger hunting for easy money. Only four they were against the doctor, his monster and his minions, and against the Witch of the Wilds and her fearsome ally; a cursed pumpkinheaded man by the name of Reaper. And only four they were who beat him, leaving his corpse battered onto the rocktiles of the yard. His monster was perished, the Witch had fled and the Reaper had gone with her. The wanderers went inside to claim their prize.

Chapter 2: How to tame a monster and revive a doctor.

As the wanderers left the scene, Witch of the Wilds saw her chance to do her work. She quickly used the spark of life to revive Junkenstein, giving his bruised flesh some tidying up whilst doing it, and watched as he sat up. Safe to say, he was pissed to have lost. He wanted to charge right back into fight, but was stopped by the Witch. She managed to make him change his mind, to wait for a year and build his army before trying again, and give her some time to get allies. Gathering what he could of the broken zomnics, Junkenstein found the corpse of his monster and decided to take it back to his lab for revival. He wasnt sure if the creature would run out again or stay, but he wanted to still show the town that he could make something living. This time, when rising from the cold metal table, the monster sat still and stared at Junkenstein. During the fight it had noted that the doctor didnt attack him, even defending him from the attacking gunslinger. It decided to stay near him, for no other reason than that it trusted him. Junkenstein was thrilled to have a friend, even if it did smell of decay a bit.

11 months went by in peace. The town healed, forgot about the incident and, assuming that the wrecked corpse of a homeless man was Junkensteins, buried the past with it. Meanwhile the doctor had other things to think about. He had built an army of zomnics, had tamed the monster and befriended it, had taught it to speak a little and had served the Witch on a few occasions. On some days he still liked to venture into town to see how life was going there. At one point he had almost forgiven the town, before he had come to learn of a new game for the children based after the mocking of his person. Thats when his short temper blew into pieces and he jumped to make an announcement in the middle of the town. He raged, mocked, spat at the townspeople, before revealing his identity and announcing that all of them would perish under his boot. Seeing a dead man back from the grave gave quite a scare to the town, making them panickedly run to the local Lords. They decided that a meeting was to be held to consider this new threat. Some voted to kill Junkenstein again, yet it was deemed to be an ineffective solution due to him coming back the last time. Some voted to trap him and enslave him for the rest of his days, but it was a futile idea for someone like him to be trapped. He would just squirm his way out like the vermin he was. It was decided that Adlersbrunn was to be evacuated. All people were to be gathered into Lord Reinhardts castle, to have few protectors stay behind until they could safely escape. Lord Reinhardt sent word to three people in order to get protection for this event. A Countess from a family of Hunters that had shut herself from the world. An old friend of the Lord who traveled the world, hunting dragons. And a Monk with his Apprentice, answering to a higher calling than human.

Meanwhile the Witch of the Wilds was gathering her allies, having gotten an interesting offer from a dragon in the Black Forest. The dragon offered to lend one of their servants the powers of a dragon and give that servant into the Witches hands for the battle. The Witch was intrigued but suspicious, so she asked what the dragon wanted in return. Nothing. It wanted the greater good and it knew that the Witch wanted that too. Adlersbrunn was filled with people and people were filled with fears of the unknown. The Black Forest was filled with the unknown, and therefore they were hunted. Silver bullet battles, witch burnings and burials of the undead had plagued the creatures of the forest for long enough, and it was time for the people to leave them alone. If not by peace, then by force. Junkenstein was a great tool for the Witches cause, but she still needed more power, therefore she agreed to take the servant of the dragon onto the battlefield as her ally.

Chapter 3: Junkensteins Revenge 2, Electric Boogaloo

The fight happens almost the same as last, but this time the tables have turned. The wanderers struggle to keep up with the Summoners dragonfire blasts, the bombs lobbed by Junkenstein and the gunfire from Reapers guns. While they dont win the fight, they manage to hold them off just enough time for the townspeople to flee far away from Junkensteins grasp. Instead of a petrified Lord, Junkenstein is greeted by an empty castle. At first he seems gleeful, running to hop on the throne. Once he sits down and looks around, he bursts into tears. After all these years of pain, he doesnt even get his revenge. He doesnt get to have his victory even at his brightest moment. The monster tries to comfort its creator, succeeding just to quiet him enough for the Witch to speak. Its time for the favor he owes her.

Before, she wanted him to leave the town as well, but seeing how he was alone already she wanted something else. She wanted him to be a guardian for the black forest. No town would ever become of Adlersbrunn ever again and no one would step a foot into Black forest while the doctor was alive, to ensure that the creatures could live in peace.

He accepted, as he was to do, and remained the only human left.

Chapter 4: The time that we dont speak too much about because honestly nothing happens

Some hundred years passed in quiet. Adlersbrunn collapsed and became ruins of what it once was. Junkenstein guarded the forest and helped the creatures inside it, at one point building a bride for his monster. (Nothing too much is said about what happened to her or where she went) The monster learned and lived, helping Junkenstein with his work. Due to both of them having been revived with the spark of life, they had become immortal. (Unless killed) Witch of the Wilds passed peacefully after a long life. Reaper found his head and his curse was lifted. Life was good.

Chapter 5: Junkenstein of Eichenwalde

One day Junkenstein realizes that where Adlersbrunn once was, is now something new. People have come and started building a town, so he disguises himself and goes to investigate. These people have migrated here from the north, calling this place Eichenwalde, and seem to be very nice. They offer him food and water, the kids want to play with him and the grown ups tell stories of the North to him. He doesnt see an issue with them coming here to stay, since they seem nice and the forest has few creatures left to protect. When a little girl tries to run into the woods, Junkenstein holds her back and tells her not to go. Intrigued, the little girl asks why. The doctor starts telling about monsters and creatures to scare the kids, but they are more interested in hearing his ghost stories, so he obliges to tell them one. He tells about a mad scientist who created a monster and how the monster now lurks in the woods. The kids are excited and the adults think of it as a great legend. It becomes a habit for Junkenstein to come into the town to tell ghost stories to kids. One day, when its Halloween, he notices a difference. The town has changed their style into old fashioned clothes, their mechanical cars to wooden carriage and posters of a fake Mad scientist and a Monster litter the walls. The kids are playing as the characters from his stories and running around with mouths filled with candy. The legend has come into a tradition of a reenactment.

One day, a man arrives into the town, and raises some questions in Junkenstein. The man looks like the Lord. Speaks like the Lord. Walks like the Lord. Has the same mannerisms as the Lord. He even introduces himself as Reinhardt to the disguised Junkenstein. The Lord escaped. It would make sense for him to have started again somewhere else. This could be his descendant, without knowledge of the legend. Who would want such an odd story to be passed down to their descendants? Who would even believe it? Junkenstein keeps an eye on the man and, even when he leaves, the monster follows him for a while. It doesnt seem like he is a threat of any kind. The life goes on in Eichenwalde, with Junkenstein telling stories and living his life with the monster. Every year his story is celebrated in front of him, without any idea that it is truer than any other tale told.

The End.

It took me 3 hours to write this down and I know it starts showing at the end. Also, there are still some mysteries in the story that have absolutely no canon to even start theorizing from. (Aka The Sombra Situation. Theres literally only one spray and a skin where she is linked in any way.)

Also, some very fun theories that I didnt know how to incorporate into the story are:

McCree gets bitten by a werewolf after the first fight

The first fight is the original Junkensteins revenge-gamemode. The second fight is the Endless gamemode.

Canonically the countess killed the Monks master, and I like to think its because of this they lost. They couldnt trust eachother.

When Summoner is close by the air gets heated.(Almost Canon. It is implied in voicelines)

Junkenstein is implied to be so chatty that he keeps talking/laughing during the fight

The Countess is from a family of Vampire hunters, who was bitten by a vampire and was ashamed. The reason she joins the battle is to honor her familys name and hunt for one last time.

It took me 3 separate days to research the canon elements, put them onto a paper and theorize around them and now I finally got this written down in here.

If you are interested in the notes I have, here you can read them: (Mostly in english, but might have some finnish words in there)

Now go my children! Hyperfixate onto this and share my pain!

(Also I would appreciate that if you take this theory and post it somewhere else, that you would credit me and tell your friends I said Hi!)

[barryjeanblues]

taako meets death (again)

(also posted to my ao3)

taako has met two raven queens in his life before now.

well, close enough, at least. most - though not all - of the worlds the starblaster had traveled to had gods, and surprisingly enough, those gods were usually - though not always - strikingly similar to their homeworlds gods. (this was useful, because one of the crews number relied very heavily on a certain nature god for his magic. luckily, the nature or life god of each world always seemed to have a soft spot for little old merle, even if they werent merles traditional cloven-hoofed pan.)

twice, taako had met the death god - someone equivalent to faeruns raven queen. 

this had led to taakos understandable trepidation upon kravitz finally putting his foot down and insisting taako meet his mother boss. 

the first time taako had met a raven queen, she had been… overwhelming. the light of creation had fallen into a forest dedicated to her and her followers, and the head acolyte refused to give the wandering crew the light unless they first received permission from the queen.

the crew had agreed, with no other option, bracing themselves to firmly explain the direness of the situation. surely a goddess would be intelligent enough to understand. 

that raven queen had burst into a forest cleaning in an explosion of black feathers, half illusion, half steel, so that when lup brushed the smoky feathers from her eyes they blurred and dissipated, but when magnus tried the same thing he yelped and brought his hand back bleeding. 

that raven queens laughter had been eerie and echoing, almost but not quite mocking, almost but not quite infectious, almost but not quite joyous. the crew had stood firm and offered their argument, and the queen had given them tests and tokens and bargains and tricky promises with too many clauses and loopholes and at the end of it all the ipres numbers had been halved and the rest were weary and worn as they caught the light of creation and fled with only minutes to spare, the faelike laughter of death following them terribly even through the overwhelming cacophony of the hungers assault. 

that laughter had trailed after them longer, if only in their heads. taako would be making stir fry, planning outfits, swapping merles shampoo for hair-loss potions, when hed have to sit down suddenly and breathe through the musical trills of the raven queens cruel pleasure. it had seemed to bounce in his head the way a rubber ball might, ricocheting off thoughts and feelings until it rolled under a couch to be forgotten about, till some slight movement sent it rolling and bouncing about once more. 

davenport had died in an illusion, thinking he was saving his crew. poor merle had been choked by his own plants, betrayal writ across hos face. barrys skin had grown sickly purple with poison - ten to one odds arent very good odds. taako doesnt forget easily. he decides the goddess of death can go fuck herself. 

the second raven queen taako had met much later in their journey, and taako had met her alone. 

lup and barry had become liches a few cycles back. it was something taako had still been coming to terms with. 

taako loves lup. this is an immutable fact of any and every universe. taako loves lup and lup loves taako and not death or memory or space can separate them, not for long. but seeing your sister die, and then… go beyond death, to twist herself and latch on to a chance that she may never return except in madness and spite - thats a hard thing to grasp, even when she succeeds. taako had still found himself shivering when his sister forgot she had a body again and grabbed a hot pan off the stove, crying out in pain. taako still woke sweating from nightmares in which his sister and his friend flew apart and reformed as cackling red robed horrors of insanity and cruelty, too far for him to reach. 

until that cycle, though, barry and lups choice had only been an asset. 

but some raven queens do not take kindly to anything they see as a perversion of their domain. 

barely a week into that cycle, taako had awoken from the guilty non-elven pleasure of a nap only to find himself in some cold, hard court, fashioned seemingly of steel and silver and concrete, onyx lining the floor and the only color coming from sparse sapphires sparkled throughout the long echoing hall. 

at the end of it - and taako had known his eyes must have played tricks on him, because at first the being at the end of the hall seemed, while large, not much larger than a giant, but when hed called a nervous greeting his voice had echoed so awfully he knew the hall stretched much farther than hed thought and the goddess at the end of it must have been unimaginably huge. 

her eyes had glinted a flinty sapphire in her carven steel face when she ordered him to defend the existence of his sister and his sisters lover. 

taako had tried. he truly, truly had. but while taako is a being of preservation and caution, full of intelligence and cleverness, he is not one of cold hard logic. perhaps lucretia could have convinced this raven queen, the only of their number who had ever been able to grasp true hard reason… but taako doubts it. he had doubted it then and he doubts it even more these days. 

the point is, taako, for all his love for his family and his brilliant wit and devotion (probably, in fact, because of it) taakos arguments couldnt convince that raven queen. she saw past his genuine belief that lup and barry had made a good decision, and into his fears for her, and the goddess of death had based her own argument on those. she won. taako never had a chance. 

he, lup, and barry had woken up in the next cycle, newly resurrected. taako never stops feeling guilty about it. 

so. yes. 

taako is more than a little nervous about meeting the goddess his boyfriend serves so devotedly. but, and youd be hard pressed to convince him to admit it, taako would do anything for kravitz. and despite it all he does actually want to see what the deal is with his sister and his best friends boss, and his patron gods… friend? lover? girlfriend? taako isnt quite sure what fate and death are to each other, but its definitely something.

kravitz lays a warm hand on taakos shoulder, but taako squares them up. he can do this, for fucks sake - hes died a shitton of times, he can meet death. 

the doors open and taakos breath - the only breath in this realm of the dead - catches in his throat.

taako is a die hard istus fan, and shell always be his goddess. but if taako wasnt a taken elf, hed follow the raven queen, he realizes with a startle.

shes beautiful, yes. shes gorgeous, and taakos always been weak for beauty, but hers isnt the cold hard beauty of gemstones and gold, thinks his nimble fingers snatch up and hoard in his endless pockets. the raven queen is beautiful in a way that taako cant describe as anything other than simple.

he cant pin down any features. she has a kind face, gentle hands, bright eyes, but taako can tell she is a goddess because despite staying still the image of her flicks and shifts in his head. at once she seems to have every kind face hes ever seen, even if he doesnt recognize anyone. her hands reach out to comfort him - no more than comfort - but she stands without moving in front of taako and kravitz. her eyes glitter and sparkle and crinkle up with cheerful laughter, except taako isnt entirely sure she has eyes at all, or maybe she has too many. 

he thinks… he thinks maybe she has wings, or maybe theyre arms, or maybe theyre black fabric, draped around and behind and below and above her, shifting with the last breaths of every mortal in the universe. its darkness but its not scary, taako realizes, its solacing, healing, the way that he feels when dusk passes to night and the sky is huge and warm and the brush of lups hand against his as she says goodbye for the night is a relief and a love. 

hello, taako, death says. its lovely to meet you. 

she means it, taako knows. he can tell, somehow. shes just happy to meet him. nothing more, nothing less. 

'oh,' taako says aloud, and kravitz laughs his quiet sweet dorky laugh, and the raven queen laughs too, and its just that. its just a laugh, and its a nice one.

'oh indeed,' kravitz says. 'taako, did you really think id serve a monster or a cruel master?'

'well,' taako replies hesitantly, 'honestly, homie, i kind of thought you were, and id, like, have to start some quest to slay death itself and rescue you.'

the anthropomorphic personification of death laughs again, a note of delight in her tender voice. i like him, my kravitz, she says, good job.

kravitz does the dead-reaper equivalent of blushing. taako grins a little because its very cute. 

'death is different here,' taako hums. 'its… it wasnt like this anywhere else i went. it was cold, or cruel, or empty. i dunno why its different in your world.'

'then i guess we're the lucky ones, huh?' kravitz asks. taako leans up against him and murmurs an agreement. 'its why i love my job so much, why it means so much to me. its not that im some hardass, i just…'

'yea, cha'boy gets it now,' assures taako. 'still.' he looks at the ever-shifting, ever-stable face of death again. 'you better treat my boy kravitz and my lady istus well, capiche? or we will have issues.'

its a deal, taako, the raven queen says, smiling. 

when taako opens his eyes, hes in his home in the material plane, and kravitz is next to him, and theyre both smiling. 

[flowerslightning]

(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

[publickoccurances]

Female companions react to Sole breaking up with them out of the blue: Part 1 ‘the break up’

Cait: Cait tapped her foot impatiently as she stared at Sole who was just walking through the front door. They were late. They had made such a big deal about seeing her to talk about something important and they were late.

“It’s rude to keep a girl waitin’ ye know?” She was joking of course. But the way Sole didn’t laugh or react worried her a bit. They looked rather serious. “What ye got a face like a slapped arse for?”

Sole sighed as they took a seat opposite Cait at the table, running a hand through their hair. “Sorry it’s been a long day... I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

Okay this was worrying. Sole and Cait had been together for around a year now. And they never had serious interactions. The way Sole was speaking was odd. She didn’t like it.

She rose an eyebrow, her confusion was clear by the look on her face. “I were only joking love... is everything grand?”

Sole shifted slightly in their seat, eyes on their hands as they were unable to bring themself to make eye contact with Cait. This wasn’t a conversation they wanted to have. Yet they didn’t see any other choice.

See it wasnt that Cait had done anything wrong. She was perfect in Sole’s eyes. Rough around the edges but deep down she was good for them. But Sole just couldn’t keep this facade up anymore. Couldn’t pretend like they were content.

Their heart had been broken by the loss of their spouse and then the loss of Shaun. Cait had been helping heal them ever since. It had developed into a relationship. And a year later here they were. But they couldn’t lie to her anymore. It was time to be honest.

“Cait. I just... I need to get something off my chest, you know?” Sole began, finally looking up to meet her eyes.

Cait nodded slowly, suddenly she didn’t feel so good. She didn’t have anything witty to say. Not yet at least. She just watched carefully. “Spit it out then.”

Sole reached for her hand across the table. Resting theirs on top of it. “The time we’ve spent together has been amazing. I’ve enjoyed every second of it. Even when we’ve been getting shot at by raiders.”

Cait chuckled slightly at that. Yeah, Sole had seemed to enjoy their interactions with raiders a little too much. “Oh yeah? ye’ looked all serious just to tell me ye’ve enjoyed spending time with me?”

“No. No that’s not it.” Sole could feel a tightening in their throat. God they didn’t want to say this. But they had to. “I’ve been using you as a crutch Cait.” They admitted finally.

“What the feck are ye on about?” Cait blurted out, clearly very confused. She pulled her hand away, sitting up a little straighter, eyes narrowing. “How the fuck have ye been using me as a crutch?”

Sole took a deep breath. Here it goes. “Because I have. Since we got you off the drugs I’ve been using you to hold myself up. Okay?”

Cait suddenly stood up, eyes burning as she stared down at Sole. “Ye better start making some fecking sense here. Stop speaking in riddles and spit it out.”

“I’ve been using you Cait!” Sole finally snapped, pushing themself onto their feet. “I’ve been using you to keep me distracted from the fact my life fell apart okay? I was married. I had a kid. That all got taken away from me within the blink of an eye. And I’ve been using you to forget about them. To keep me standing. But I can’t anymore.”

Had that really been all she was to them? Had she spent a year of her life being a post for someone to lean on? Had every second been a lie?

“Ye’ve been using me?!” Cait demanded, rounding on Sole. It was taking every ounce of her energy not to swing at them. Using her? “Just like every other fucker in my life, ye’ve been using me?”

Sole knew what she was thinking. Knew there was a good chance she was going to start throwing punches. And in all honesty they deserved it.

“I’ve gone through hell and back with ye, and now yer telling me it’s meant fuck all?” At this point Cait was used to disappointment in people. But Sole? She really had thought they were different.

Sole nodded slowly. “Pretty much. Yeah. It meant nothing okay? You- you meant nothing.” It was breaking their heart to do this. They didn’t mean that. But maybe the easiest way to let Cait walk away from them was to be cruel. She was a person. Not a crutch. And if she stayed Sole would just keep leaning on her.

Caits jaw clenched, hands balled up into fists. That’s really how Sole wanted to act? Fine. Fuck em’. She didn’t need them anyway.

“Aye well... you enjoy yer pathetic life out here Sole.” She basically hissed, storming right past them.

She was done. She was leaving. She was out the door.

Curie: Curie hummed as she tapped away at the keys of her terminal. She was pretty entranced by the research notes she was making, but out of the corner of her eye she couldn’t help but notice her lover looking rather tense as they sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hmm Ma/Mon Cherie, you look tense.” She commented nonchalantly as she continued on with her work.

Sole sighed softly, rubbing the back of their head. Oh Curie. She was so sweet and caring, but she was definitely oblivious to the worries Sole had.

“Yeah I didn’t sleep very well last night.” They replied, standing up from where they had been sitting and proceeding to pace around the room slightly.

Curie frowned. Turning away from her terminal and watching Sole carefully. They were pacing. She had learnt that pacing was a sign of stress or nervousness, among many other mostly negative things.

“As’ something upset you?” She asked curiously, head tilting to the side as she watched Sole. She had been in her human form for over a year now, most of that time spent with Sole. But she was still learning how to be human. And one of the most effective methods of learning she had found was watching Sole.

“I-well...” Sole rubbed the back of their head again. It was a nervous tick of sorts.

Curie stood up, moving to stand in front of her lover. She was beginning to feel concerned. “Pacing around zhe room, inability to construct a sentence... this is signs of nerves, no?”

Oh god. She’d picked up on how they were feeling hadn’t she? Sole felt awful. She looked so concerned for them. They had to talk to her about what was bothering them. They had to talk to her now before it got worse.

“Curie I think we need to speak... about something important.”

Curie nodded her head, a smile spread across her lips. Yes speaking about important things was imperative. She was rather curious about what it was Sole hsd to tell her. Perhaps about an experiment?

“Of course mon amour.”

Sole gently took Curie’s hands and lead her to sit with them on the edge of the bed. God they didn’t want to do this. Curie had made them so happy. And now they had to end that.

“I think it’s safe to say we both live very busy lives.” Sole began to explain, looking down at the floor as they did so. “And we’ve pretty much been able to coexist with this.”

“I agree.” Curie nodded her head. Unaware that there was a subtle hint in what Sole was saying. “You are a busy protector of the people, and I am busy with my research.”

“Exactly.” Sole nodded. Assuming that Curie understood what they were getting at. “And well... a protector of the people should be out there. Wandering about to find people in need. Snd a researcher... should well... be doing what you do.”

She didn’t want to admit it. But what Sole was saying was rather lost on her. But she nodded her head regardless. “I agree... one cannot help protect others from danger if they are inside all day. And I cannot make advancements in science if I am not working.”

Sole let out a sigh of relief, assuming Curie had understood what they had been hinting at completely. “Oh thank god... I’m so glad you understand.” They wrapoed their arms around her. “And even though we won’t be a couple any more I hope we can stay friends.”

Curie suddenly felt an emotion she had never experienced before. Her whole body went cold. Stomach dropped. Her heart was racing. It was a little harder to breathe.

“I-yes.” She nodded slowly. Her and Sole were no longer a couple? Okay. That was a new development for her. But she just nodded again. “Yes.”

Piper: “Nat! Nat could you turn the radio down?! I can barely hear myself think!” The reporter called down to her little sister. She was upstairs working on a new article.

‘Ransom: First Hand Experience.’

The title was in the works but Piper was excited about what she was writing regardless. She had been held hostage by a group of raiders the other week. They demanded a 2000 cap ransom. But of course Blue had stormed the place and rescued her. She had found the situation extremely exciting, even when fearing for her life. Plus it was going to make a great article.

“Hmmm... maybe that bit is too explicit- but then again. A raider getting beaten to a pulp. Something romantic about it.” Piper thought outloud to herself, trying to figure out how to make this piece as captivating as possible.

Downstairs the front door opened, Sole walking inside.

Nat was the first to great her sisters partner. She had become fond of Sole, they were good to her and Piper. Plus they made her feel safe.

“You’re back!” Nat exclaimed, rushing over to give them a hug. She’d neve admit it but she was always scared when Sole went out to do a job they wouldn’t return.

Sole chuckled softly, giving the young girl a big squeeze. “Of course I’m back Kiddo. I was just delivering some supplies to Bunker Hill.”

Nat didn’t care what they had been doing. She was just glad they were back. “Piper told me all about how you kicked those raiders asses! I can’t believe it- well I can but still! You’re so cool!”

Sole smiled and shook their head. God she really wss turning into her sister. “She tell you about that huh?”

Piper smiled as she watched the exchange, walking down the stairs slowly. “Hey you... do I not get a hug?”

Sole smiled a little, moving over to press a kiss to her cheek, giving her a quick hug. “Hey- have you got a minute so we can talk?” Sole murmured, giving her the look that said ‘this is really important.’

Piper nodded immediately. “Yeah- of course Blue.. I’ll be upstairs in a minute.”

Sole nodded and headed up the stairs as they waited for Piper to come up with some sort of excuse to get her little sister out of the house for a little while so they could speak.

A few moments later Piper was joining Sole in her room, frowning slightly. “Why’d you look so serious Blue? What’s happened?”

Sole sighed softly, chewing on their lip. “It’s about what happened last week-.” They couldn’t even finish their sentence without Piper interrupting.

“Yeah? Great because I’m writing the article and I could use a statement from you!” She had suddenly forgot the intensity of Soles voice as she got distracted by the paper.

Sole shook their head, sighing softly. “No Pipes. This is important yeah?”

A slight frown spread across Pipers lips. Sole had never said no about her paper before. Never put something in front of it. This must have been serious.

“Okay...” She nodded slowly, sitting down on her desk chair. “Shoot. What’s up?”

“Last week. Getting that note. Having to find you.” Sole felt their eyes begin to tear up slightly. “Piper I thought they’d killed you. Thought I was gonna walk in there to find you dead.”

Piper sighed softly, rubbing her temples. It had been intense. But she hadn’t realised the situation had troubled Blue so much. “I can imagine- but it worked out fine. I came out of there without a scratch on me.”

Sole sighed, shaking their head. “Pipes that’s not the point. You were targeted because of me. What if it happens again? What if next time you’re not so lucky... what if next time they take Nat?”

Piper felt her heart twinge. She hadn’t thought about the fact that Nat could become a target just like she had been. But it wasn’t Blues fault. She didn’t blame them. “Come on now Blue- don’t think like that.”

Sole took a deep breath. “Piper I think it would be better for you and Nat if I were to leave. I love you. I love the life we’re building together. But I can’t risk you being hurt because of me.”

That had come as a shock. Piper had never thought Blue would be so scared for her safety they would leave. No. This was crazy. “Blue come on. Don’t be so drastic.”

Sole shook their head and began to walk down the stairs. “Piper I’m serious. I can’t do this. I can’t lose you to death too. I need to leave.”

Piper followed behind, starting to feel a bit frantic. “What? Come on Blue- can we talk about this?!”

“Piper I can’t. Look it’s over okay?”

Piper shook her head, grabbing their wrist. “Blue dont you dare walk out that door. You are not walking out on us like this- please.”

Sole pulled their wrist free of Pipers grip. Not even looking back at her as they opened the door. “I’m sorry Piper. I really am.”

All Piper could do was watch. Her heart breaking right there and then. “Blue if you leave me now, like this, I’ll never forgive you.”

[the-awkward-outlaw]

I was in Saint Denis and was doing the rob 5 town people challenge, when some woman started sassing me. Arthur grabbed her so her back was against his chest and put the gun to her head, saying "I wasnt gonna rob you but now I am." Could you write Arthur/reader where a few months later she ends up falling in with the camp and recognises his voice?

Woo boy, this one was fun and honestly could be the start of a multi-chapter fic! Great prompt! Also, Arthur is hilarious when he comes up with stuff like this. 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You watch as the ferry floats away from the pier. Your hand lowers as it would be impossible for your cousin to see you at this point. Part of you still wishes you could have gotten a ticket for this ferry, but at the same time, you’re glad you couldn’t. For the last few days, you’ve gotten a bad feeling about the boat. You doubted it was nothing, that you were just being silly, so you said nothing to your cousin. 

As you turn and look down the street at the town of Blackwater, you begin lightly humming to yourself. It couldn’t be a more beautiful day. You’ll miss your cousin, the two of you are good friends, but she lives in Saint Denis with her parents. You live here alone, but you don’t want to leave. Blackwater is all you’ve ever known. It’s where your parents are buried and where you grew up. 

You pass the barber’s shop and you get a sudden sense of dread, like there’s a heavy anticipation settling over the town. You can’t put your finger on as to why. Nothing seems wrong or out of place, plenty of people are milling about the town. It seems like a regular day. 

As you walk down the street, trying to ignore the unsettling feeling, you suddenly hear shouts and screams. A police officer on his horse runs past you, heading for the lake. He yells out “Ferry’s being robbed!” 

You watch in terror as people begin fleeing, cops swarming the streets and heading for the lake. Gun shots ring out. You begin backing up quickly and slam into someone hard. 

“Watch it, buddy,” you say, glaring at the man. Of course it wasn’t his fault, more yours than his really, but you’ve never been known for apologizing. Without warning, the man suddenly grabs you, pins your back to his chest, and he whips out his gun, pointing it to your temple. In the chaos surrounding you, no one stops to rescue you. 

“Now you listen here, miss,” he growls in your ear, his voice mixing with your heartbeats. “I wasn’t gonna rob ya, I was here to rob someone else. But now I have ya, hand over whatever ya got.” 

“Please, mister, I don’t have anything,” you plead, your hands scratching at his arm wrapped around your shoulders, but seem to have no effect. 

“Bullshit. You damn city folk always got somethin’. Now hand it over!” 

“Okay, okay!” You reach into your pocket and pull out the fifty dollars you had. You’d intended to use the money to pay down your house for this month. You stuff the bills into his hand.

“There, that weren’t so hard. Now get outta here, and don’t mention me!” He shoves you hard and runs towards the lake, following the footsteps of the officers. You don’t get a good look at his face. 

The incident of the double robbery terrifies you so much you stay out of Blackwater for the next few weeks. It’s alright anyways as the town is now swarmed by bounty hunters, officers and even Pinkertons, looking for the criminals. They wouldn’t be so bad, until the Governor declared that the town was going into complete lockdown. This meant that all businesses would be shut down until further notice and all residents must stay inside and even open their homes up to be searched in case anyone was housing fugitives. 

This turns out to be devastating for you. Your home sits on the outlying border of Blackwater where you run a very small dairy farm. You’ve always managed to make a decent living as everyone buys milk, but with this lockdown, no one comes. The government has even sent in supplies to the residents, such as milk and eggs, in order to keep everyone alive for the meantime. 

Blackwater, however, is not a cheap place to live anymore. Not ever since it stopped being a simple trading post, and it’s getting even more expensive now that the train station is being built. Even though businesses have stopped, bills haven’t. You still have to pay for the loan on your home as it wasn’t paid off when your parents died, and with no incoming money, your savings quickly dry up. 

Things go on this way for weeks, and your situation goes from bad to worse. The criminals have not been caught yet and there’s been no word on their whereabouts either, so the Pinkertons and bounty hunters haven’t left yet. Your situation is growing dire. Just last week, someone from the bank stopped by to remind you to pay this month’s amount towards your property. You tried to explain that with the lockdown, you no longer have the money. He claimed it wasn’t the bank’s problem and they expected their payment by the end of the month otherwise you risk losing the property. 

You would start selling milk again. Hell, these past few weeks all your supplies have basically been thrown away (the cows haven’t stopped milking after all). However, with the government giving out free milk and supplies, no one will pay for yours. You even try to sell the fact that the milk’s as fresh as it can be, but then the Pinkertons catch wind of your business and threaten to imprison you for it as all businesses are still shut down. They don’t care either when you explain your predicament. 

The month ends and on the first day, officials from the bank come and seize your property. It doesn’t matter how much you scream and fight, claiming it’s the city government’s fault as you could have paid if you’d been allowed to run your business. They don’t care and by the end of the day, you’re left sobbing in the dirt with the few possessions you could carry. How will you be able to survive? 

It’s clear that you can’t stay in Blackwater. There’s nothing left for you here except bad memories. It’s impossible to say how long this situation will last either. Instead of living on the streets, you decide to move to Valentine. Perhaps you can get a job as a waitress. You still have enough money that, even though you couldn’t pay for your house, maybe you can buy a cheaper property up there. Maybe even some cows and you can start over again. Besides, Valentine is a livestock town. You know livestock. 

However, when you get to Valentine, things don’t go as you planned. Sure, you got a job as a waitress in the saloon, but it doesn’t pay very much and there are no properties for sale near the town. The few that are for sale are far away and too much for you to afford. You ask the manager of the saloon (who’s also the bartender) if you can live in one of the rooms upstairs until your situation is sorted out.

“Unless you’re working in one of those rooms, I can’t afford to let you live there.” 

You know what he means by working in those rooms and you won’t stoop that low. You still have standards, after all. In the end, you have no choice but to sleep outside and work as much as possible during the days. You think things have hit an all time low. 

One afternoon, you’re waiting tables. A particularly rowdy group of ranch hands comes in and gets a table. They immediately flag you down and you sigh. These types of men are the worst, but if you play your cards right, they can pay some of the highest tips. Especially if you’re quick on refilling their drinks. 

Usually ranch hands don’t stay too long, but this group seems to want to stay. It’s been well over an hour and all of them have had their fair share of drinks, making them even louder and rowdier. As you approach them with more shots of whiskey, one man puts an arm around your waist and pulls you close. 

“Hey, how much for a night, missy?” he asks. 

“I don’t do that,” you say flatly. 

“Oh come on. Bet you’d do it for someone like me,” he says. 

“Why would I?” you glare down at him. 

“Because I’m the sheriff’s son, miss. I can get you anythin’ you want.” 

“Become the governor’s son and maybe I’ll think about it. And maybe think about becoming more than some ranch hand,” you snap and try pulling away. He just clenches your hips harder. 

“You hear how this girl talks to fellers like us?” he laughs to his friends. They guffaw and point at you. “Seriously, girl, I’ve made all the other women in this saloon swoon before.” 

“Well then go back to swooning them.” 

“Nah, been there, done that. I want you.” 

“Let go of me! I ain’t that kinda girl! Now take your drinks and get lost. All of you!” 

“Hey, you can’t talk to us like that!” one man says. “We’re patrons!” 

“I can, and I’m telling you all to get out!” You march over to the bar and tell the bartender your problem. He recognizes the man who was hitting on you and says that the sheriff’s cleaning his slate for some gambling problems, so he has to let his son stay. However, he doesn’t want you getting harassed, so he has one of the other girls cover for you. 

When your shift is done, you head outside to have a smoke and dreading the fact that it looks like it might rain tonight. You’re still sleeping practically on the streets, so it’ll be a bad night. As you stand and smoke, lost in thought, you don’t hear the footsteps behind you. 

Someone grabs you hard from behind, pinning you to their body. The sheriff’s son’s voice hisses in your ear, wreaking of alcohol. 

“Hey there, missy. Just the two of us now. How about we skip talk of pay and just get down to business, hmm?” 

His hand suddenly gropes you and you kick him in the shin. He yelps in pain and you push away from him. “I told you I ain’t that kind of girl! Now get lost before I tell your daddy what you do to women.” 

His face scrunches in rage and he lunges at you, knocking you onto your back. You try fighting him but he’s much stronger and he’s got the upper hand. His hands pin your arms down as he tries kissing you, so you headbutt him. One hand releases your arm to press on his bleeding nose and you take the opportunity, grabbing his cattleman revolver, pointing it at his gut, and firing. 

The bang echoes against the building, and you quickly throw him off of you. He writhes for a few seconds, a gurgling coming out of his mouth. You watch in shock as he draws his last breath. You certainly hadn’t meant to kill him. 

The door to the saloon slams open and the bartender steps out. He looks at the body, you standing over it with the gun still in your hand. 

“I…. I…” you stammer, not knowing what to say. 

“My God, Y/N! You killed him!”

“He attacked me!” you say. 

“Sheriff’s gonna lose his mind about this! He’s not one to mess around with the law, but when he hears about his boy… oh, Y/N, this is bad!” 

“But he attacked me! I didn’t mean to kill him!” 

The bartender comes over and smacks the pistol out of your hand. “You best get out of here, Y/N. I weren’t the only one who heard that gunshot. Sheriff or one of his deputies will be here any second and if they find you like this…. You’ll be hung by the end of the week. Go on, get outta here. I’ll come up with something.” 

Without hesitating, you run off. He’s right of course, now that you’ve killed a man you can’t stay here. You run as fast as you can, heading south, but it doesn’t take long for you to lose your breath. By the time you hunker down, a painful stitch in your side, you realize how bad things have gotten. As the reality of it all sets in, you begin to sob. 

You killed a man. Sure, he’d been attacking you and if he’d lived, he’d surely have done something truly terrible, but the fact remains. A man is dead because of you. Not only that, but the likelihood of the sheriff discovering the truth is a guaranteed problem. His son’s friends surely must have seen him coming after you. They’d know you’re his most likely killer, and they won’t have a problem telling the sheriff. You’re in big trouble. 

The weight of this all forces you down to your knees and you sob harder. What can you possibly do? Should you head on to another town? But which one? So far, you haven’t had any luck being able to afford a new home. You just can’t seem to dig yourself out of this hole. 

You hear a voice. “Ma’am? Ma’am, you okay?” 

You look up and see an elderly man. His clothes are rough, dirty and torn in places. He’s got a bulbous nose and a thick gray beard and a wide belly. His eyes, though dark, have a kind look to them. 

“I… I killed him.” The words slip out of your mouth. 

“Killed who?” he asks. 

“The sheriff’s son. I… I killed him. It was an accident.” 

“Oh so you’re the one they’re looking for.” Fear stabs you in the stomach. This quick and you already have a bounty on you. He straightens up and looks down the road at Valentine. “You say it was an accident?” 

You nod, getting to your feet and preparing to run. He’s an old man, he won’t be able to catch you easily. “Yeah. Bastard was trying to rape me, so I shot him.” 

The man blinks. “Sounds like you’re in a bad way. Heard he was the sheriff’s son. Say, I don’t do this for everyone, but why don’t you come with me? I got a place you can stay until you get things figured out.” 

“You aren’t planning on raping me too, are you? No offense, but I’m not in the mood to trust many men right now.” 

“Don’t be thick, come on now. I live with a big group. Sure, there’s quite a few men, but I promise ain’t one of ‘em gonna touch ya. Especially when they hear you’ve already killed the man who tried to get ya.” 

Instead of feeling suspicious, you can’t help but trust this man. He leads you down the trail towards a large copse of trees. As he walks into them, he turns to you. 

“Think you’ll fit right in with us, miss. Everyone I live with has got a record behind ‘em. Hell, some of ‘em have killed more people than I’m even capable of counting, but don’t tell ‘em I said that.” 

“So, you run with a gang of outlaws?” you say, feeling nervous again. 

“That’s how you might choose to see it, but they’re alright really. Come on, I’ll introduce you.” 

The old man leads you into a clearing. There you see several wagons and a few tents. Despite the hour, there’s still plenty of people milling about. A man sits at a round table with two women, a guitar in his hand and he’s singing in Spanish. Around one of the fire’s further away is a man in a plaid shirt talking to some other men. Not too far, near a tent, a woman sits next to a small boy, who’s playing in the dirt with a stick. 

“Uncle!” a loud voice calls out. It seems to be directed to the man guiding you in. You look to see the owner of the voice. A tall, well groomed man with dark hair marches over to you, followed by a thin, gangling man with gray hair and a thoughtful face. “Uncle, what the hell are you doing? I said no more passengers!” 

“Hey, hey, relax Dutch! Just a girl, got in a spot of trouble in town, figured she needed some help.” 

“We can’t afford to feed any more mouths, you old goat!” 

“What kind of trouble?” says the gray haired man. The two men look at you curiously. You realize they’re waiting for you to say something. 

“I…. I killed the sheriff’s son. He was attacking me, so I shot him. It was an accident.” 

Another man saunters over. He’s a broad man with curious blue eyes, a leather hat and a blue striped shirt. He smokes a cigarette, the other hand on his gun belt. 

“What’s goin’ on?” he asks. His voice sounds horribly familiar. You try to pin down where you recognize it from. 

“Uncle brought this girl in, says she killed the sheriff’s son,” the gray haired man says. 

“That so?” the blue eyed man says. “Well, we got enough trouble, Uncle. Think you better take her back there. Let the sheriff deal with her.” 

It suddenly clicks where you know him from. “You! You’re the man who robbed me in Blackwater!” 

The man blinks and lowers his brow, clearly confused. “What?” 

“You robbed me in Blackwater! The day that ferry got robbed! You’re the reason I lost my house!” 

“I didn’t make you lose your house, miss.” 

“Bullshit! You pointed a gun at my head and made me hand over everything I had. That money was gonna pay for my house for the next month! I’d still be living there if it weren’t for you!” 

Anger courses through you and you want to hit this man. The dark haired man, Dutch you think Uncle called him, looks at the man. 

“Is this true, Arthur?” 

“Well, sure I robbed a gal down in Blackwater. She was sassin’ me, so I robbed her.”

“I lost everything. Everything because of you!” 

“All you had was fifty bucks, hardly anything.” 

“That was my month’s payment on my house! Then the goddamn town went into lockdown and I couldn’t make money, so the bank took my house back! Way I see it, you owe me, buddy!” 

You’re shaking and quite a few people in the gang have gathered, drawn to your yelling. 

“Wait, explain the situation in Blackwater,” the gray haired man asks. You tell him. Dutch and the man trade almost remorseful looks. You stand there, waiting for them to tell you to get lost. Instead, Dutch turns to the man he addressed as Arthur. 

“You heard her, son. We owe her. Miss Grimshaw? Please show her a place to stay. What’s your name, girl?” 

You’re shocked by this turn of events, but you tell him. A middle aged woman with a stern face comes over. She gestures for you to come over to her and then she puts a comforting hand on your shoulder. 

“Come along, dear. We can get you settled. Sounds like you’ve had quite the ordeal.” 

She doesn’t ask you for further details nor does she explain anything about her gang. She just shows you to a spot under a canvas where three other girls sleep. They pull out a bedroll and spread it, allowing you to lie down. When you do, you realize how exhausted you are. Despite all the things that have happened, you fall quickly to sleep.

*********************************************

The next few days are a confusing blur. Most of the members are curious, especially when they hear that you lived in Blackwater and had an unfortunate run in with Arthur, who you’re still convinced is the one who sent you on this downward spiral. 

Grimshaw explains that this gang cannot carry people who don’t work (which is odd because you haven’t seen Uncle do a thing besides drink and play his banjo), so she sets you to work at a wagon run by a man named Pearson, the camp cook. As you set down to chopping vegetables, Arthur walks over, looking sheepish. 

“Um, ma’am, I uh I wanted to apologize. For robbin’ you. Guess… guess I been robbin’ folk so long it just comes natural.” 

“I heard Dutch sayin’ you folks only rob from the rich in order to help the poor. I was never a rich woman, Mr. Morgan.” 

He lowers his head. “I know. I figured since you was in Blackwater you had money to spare. I’m sorry. I know that if I hadn’t taken your money, you’d probably still have a home. You wouldn’t be in this mess. But I got you this. I know it won’t get you your house back, but maybe it can help somehow.” 

He hands you a wad of cash. After counting it, you find it’s well over sixty dollars. You look up at him. “You’re right, it won’t get me my life back, Arthur. But I appreciate the gesture.” 

He swallows a bit. “Well, I just wanted to let you know, you’re welcome to stay with us for as long as you want. I’m gonna vouch for ya, I at least owe you that. And if there’s anything else you need, let me know.” 

You thank him and he walks away. You feel a great weight lift from your shoulders. Your crimes from the other night won’t be erased, but at least you’re not having to be alone to deal with it. You have the possibility of making friends here with this gang out outlaws. After all, you are one yourself it seems. You suddenly wonder where your life might lead now that you’ve started down this path.