#people who LOOK UP TO ME???
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just so you all know i am just straight up never going to be cool or perfect ever. im always going to be lame and a bit weird at times and im going to fuck up SO many times actually. i am also going to be a pussy and not stand up for shit, so please don’t get mad at me online ever cuz i cant assure you that if that happens i won’t delete every trace of my existence and never go online again out of fear
ok thank u!!i see people expecting wayyy too much of other people online and like…im not the person you wanna expect anything of. you all build an opinion of me that’s like 10000x better than the actual me and that’s great I’m not complaining but my line of good takes is going to end one day or another because i cannot believe ive gotten this far, and when i make a bad one i need you to not get mad at me thanks
#im so scared ill make a bad take and y’all will do a 180 on me#this is like the first time ive ever been even#SORT OF ‘popular’ online#(don’t consider myself it tbh but some do???)#and it’s SCARY#because by all definition I’m just some lame ass weirdo!!!!#and you think I’m so much cooler than i am!!!!#i used to be the person who butt into conversations others would have awkwardly#or who made posts that got 0 notes on average#with my biggest post being 18 notes#this is so weird and surreal and scary#having people like my stuff or care about me online#weird shit#people who LOOK UP TO ME???#insane.#i don’t get it!! or understand!!#I’m autistic (surprise surprise) and having people LIKE me is unheard of#willddd shit#it probably seems small to others#im not like. insanely popular#or highly well known#im not a figure by any means necessary#but#enough people like me to make a difference#a good one! but a scary one#idk aaa#this is gonna be an 8-noter boys i can tell#at best
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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Listen, I love the "XL helps HC to see how beautiful he is" scenario as much as the next person... But I also see it like this.
#tgcf#tian guan ci fu#hualian#heaven official's blessing#hob#myart#hua cheng#xie lian#I have a friend who's so pretty and confident the pretty privilege automotically applies to her#I've seen people treat her differently RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME#sometimes I look at her and wonder if this how people feel when hc talks to xl#anyway I think that hc needs the bing-qiu method of “not as beautiful as you yes I love you the most” too#also this xie lian took me 3 seconds to draw but 5 mins to sketch it's an art to come up with such a stupid face you know that?#hc my pretty princess <3 I want him on his knees
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still ruminating over Lost In the Book With Spooky Skeletons Part 1, so here's a selection of some of my favorite little bits! (...some more loosely paraphrased than others) (I just feel like Idia has no room to criticize in general, okay)
anyway, I'm sure we're just going to have a fun time celebrating Halloween and nothing bad is going to happen whatsoever! :)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#lost in the book with nightmare before christmas#hajimari no halloween#calling dibs on skeleton kisses as the name of my band#man scully is just a delightful little weirdo and i'm enjoying him immensely#(i'm going with scully until we get something official just because it makes me think of x-files)#(スカリー is also how the agent's name is transliterated and i don't know if it was intentional but i love it as a bonus reference)#(i want to believe™)#gosh though#'no one at school likes me because i won't shut up about halloween and jack skellington' i'm feeling VERY attacked right now twst#look scully your people are out there#just get on the forums and -- oh wait you're probably from like the 1800s or something#(my theory is that he's from the past and there's just some Book Magic going on to bring us together)#(LOOK they made a point of saying that the book fair has been held annually for a super long time)#a hot topic goth born before hot topic was invented...so sad 😔#i dunno i could be wrong but that feels like a good working theory for now#if it wasn't for mal sensing twsty ~magic~ on him i would think he's like. a christmas elf who's going to kidnap jack in a reverse-nmbc#(not ruling that out though because it would be amazing)#god all the sprites in this event look AMAZING. loving the desaturated colors and the extra drawn-on lines 😍#i'm genuinely kinda sad that we aren't gonna get to see every character like this#who knows...maybe halloweentown will be imperiled again next year...#come back and destroy my keys again please#(that said i'm doing weirdly well so far?)#(i promised i'd save for sebek and just do cursory pulls to get the SRs and not hope for the SSRs)#(...but then leona jumpscared me four coffins in anyway. halloween magic is REAL)
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Stop adapting the iliad and the Odyssey into movies. You'll never succeed. Adapt them into shounen anime, as is their god given right
#look at the amount of introspection in the Odyssey and tell me it doesnt call for an animated sequence of the character turning#to the screen with an exasperated and simplified scribble face#the Odyssey#the iliad#odysseus literally rips of his clothes before fighting people#nestor constantly complains about his age#hector literally tells paris to die#aphrodite tries to pick up aeneas and drops him after getting shot#and then apollo catches him#ares gets stabbed and goes whining to zeus who calls him a disappointment
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blink and you'll miss it moments around skyhold....
#solavellan#solas#gotta put out some tender stuff to balance the chaos target team leader solas has caused.#look i just need to go feral in the tags for a moment#okay the fucking. what's he call himself? the great adversary of her people's mythology....falls in love w a woman being forced into a role#not unlike his own#i t makes me c r a z y#like at one point he's all ooooh we're elves need to make sure the humans trust us to ensure safety. gives them a castle......#then he's all ''ooh you cant change the way your legend is getting out of hand. might as well accept it''#but he disapproves if you lean into it/call yourself the herald.#he approves of you fighting against the status quo. encourages sera to sow chaos and has a VERY interesting convo w her about power#''what lop of the top?'' ''yes.'' ''well what's that do except make room for a new top to come and fuck it all up?''#at which point he fuckin STUTTERS and is like. oh fuck. you're right. my bad. and then he shuts up in quiet contemplation#he's clearly wrestling w himself. and Ohmygod the felassanstuff.#like the Guilt. the Regret.#haunting that fucking rotunda.#and yet he's so in love w lavellan if they go that route.#like clearly some stuff was missing/fumbled in game. but like#how he fuckin screams for the inquisitor at the well?????!?! OK BOI?!#im just. the dread wolf. great adversary of the dalish pantheon.#turns out to be some somber grim guy with a fatalistic sense of humor who hates tea and greatly values free will#pina art
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#this will settle it! this will settle the private conversation between two people who barely cook !!!!#weve said stove so many times that it ceases to look and sound like a word#i grew up with electric stoves like#yeah they WORK differently but cooking on the stove is cooking on the stove#ur not special or better than me bc u have a gas stove 😌#i hope ur gas leaks and morgan freeman has to shooy u thru a pint of milk 😌 /jk#up to something#polls#edit: *Mickey mouse voice* ha ha! I’ve made a mistake!#This post was not supposed to escape !!!!!! Fuck !!#my brother: lol is this about the political shit that happened a few months ago? me: THE WHAT??????
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people-watching and gossiping 💅
(more older seblora brainrot bc of my oneshot)
#they look like they're sassily judging peoples fits and im here for it 💁♀️#i have so many wips of them older bc i was just sketching them nonstop after i finished writing my oneshot BAHAHA i was manic🤪#now that im replaying HL tho i also wanna draw more school moments LMAO im never satisfied...#and to the anon who sent me yandere seb ideas I SEE YOU🫵🫵AND THANK YOU!! I GOT SOME IDEAS#idek if ill end up drawing halloween stuff at this point i have too many ongoing wips😩#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian x mc#clora clemons#choccyart
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What if I told you that RoobrickMarine went and wrote an entire novella starring my 16th century dog couple? It's very canon-adjacent, well researched and thoughtfully put together, has inspired me a ton during these past months and it's now publicly available at AO3. I highly recommend it.
✦ Separation ✦
#content warnings for sex violence self harm and general angst#six chapters 41K words#people who have asked for longer stories of these two please give this one a look#I've watched this unfold since late may? early july? and it's been an exciting experience#I'm not a writer I think it's better than what I could've come up with#honestly though the way he managed to get inside Machete's and Vasco's heads was uncanny their mannerisms and thought processes are spot on#some of the events aren't canon but they might as well be#and most of the background details and backstory tidbits are accurate believe me he's very well versed on their lore#big history nerd so the worldbuilding is intense#you get to meet the dog pope#there's saint sebastian#roommate hijinks#it gets kind of bleak at times though so be mindful of that#it's not all fluff and good feelings#Separation#Heinaven#RoobrickMarine#own characters#own art#artists on tumblr#CanisAlbus#Vasco#Machete#anthro#sighthound#dogs#canine#animals#if you end up reading the whole thing it would be really sweet if you left a little comment as a thanks for his hard work
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Prompt 318
Danny is learning how to shapeshift. It’s fun, really, and he honestly thinks it’s more than a little cool. Plus it’s not a learn or you fully die sort of thing, which is pretty cool too. He just erm, might’ve also made a mistake. A little oopsie. An uh-oh.
Erm. So. Apparently stuff stays when you go from ghost to human form. Just erm. More… permanent? Look he panicked, okay! And it wouldn’t have been that bad if not for the fact erm… his friends might’ve done it too…?
Okay, okay, this is fine erm. Oh hi Mom, Dad I- O-oh yeah! D-definitely! Psst, Tucker, what’s a meta…? Oh. Okay yeah- wait can they use this to avoid the GIW thing? They definitely could, right? Like they definitely can- Sam we need the corkboard!
Er. And inform their parents too… even if it’s more than a little obvious. Maybe they shouldn’t have been trying to mix and match���
#DCxDP#DPxDC#Prompts#My art#Halfa Trio#Team Feline Au#Nekomata Sam#Sphinx Tucker#Griffin Danny#”Excuse me we’re not ghosts we’re metas thanks >:/”#The rest of the class might go a bit wild over the loser trio apparently being metas now#They post so many pictures- not that the trio is aware at first#Tucker is the first to find out & realizes they can Use This#Look me in the eyes and tell me the internet WOULDN’T go wild over trio of cat people#They weren’t expecting any of this#The moment they ever go to another city the local hero who goes online is zeroing in#Why yes the trio snuggle up together in a purring pile on the bus#Also yes they do go to Frostbite & other not-so human looking ghosts for help with clothing#And shoes for paws#space core danny#storm core tucker#life core sam#ironic with what nekomata are associated with
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DEAD POETS SOCIETY (1989) dir. Peter Weir
#dpsedit#deadpoetssocietyedit#toddandersonedit#john keating#todd anderson#dps#dead poets society#useraish#tuserkaren#mialook#usernivi#tusermiles#userrlaura#dailyflicks#*mine#*mygifs#todd is literally so brave for dealing with that#and he came up with a banger of a poem#who is doing it like him ?#like todd anderson is literally my bestie and i love him so much and i love his arc so much within this movie#cupping his face in my hands and giving him a kiss on the forehead <3 <3 <3#also what if i said todd anderson is literally me !#very reminiscent of that time my theatre 101 (or whatever the class was) sub was talking about body language#and he was all like shy people tend to make themselves seem smaller and hide themselves with their body#and he like looked over at me and i was like all scrunched up in the chair with my knees to my chest#also i was like fourteen and it was like a month into the class and i wanted to die right there and then#it was honestly really embarrassing and i still think about it like six years later !
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i’d say they’re going on a road trip but they don’t even have a car smh
#*paul mccartney voice* boy / you’re gonna baldur that gate / baldur that gate / a long time#looking up refs of their OG outfits while drawing this made me realize that half of them wear the same boots#how peculiar!#first thing on my mind while drawing this was the wyllstarion agenda#second thing was lae’zel is the dad who didn’t want tav to adopt an owlbear#but now she’s best friends with the owlbear#also important: gale has shy tall guy energy#and astarion has rambunctious short king energy#canon bends to my will#people on insta yelled at me for not including halsin but this is the OG companions ok :(#im actually working on a halsin piece rn!#artists on tumblr#bg3#bg3 fanart#baldurs gate 3#bg3 astarion#bg3 gale#bg3 karlach#bg3 lae'zel#bg3 wyll#bg3 shadowheart#one day ill add a background to this#noah.jpg
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Nobody is as excited about the preview as I am. I have paragraphs.
#very bad doodle I just need to get this out there#don’t look at it too hard I’m begging#someone please talk to me about the blood rush breakup before the world explodes#it is not that serious but I will do anything for twenty seconds of them arguing#the episode hasn’t come out but I am shaking#every time they talk I become a little more evil and fucked up#genuinely though aside from the silliness of the conversation being about sports I have some very strong feelings about the little bits we-#-got to see in the preview#like I will inevitably talk about it but just because I know people are gonna beat me to it I just want to express how excited I am#fantasy high#d20#d20 fantasy high#dimension 20#gorgug thistlespring#fabian seacaster#thistlecaster#<- yeah fuck it why not#for my one mutual who likes them#this is for you and you only#fhjy spoilers#my art
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I just love these idiots, your honor...
#deadpool#wolverine#wade wilson#logan howlett#deadclaws#poolverine#deadpool x wolverine#comic accurate wolverine my beloved...#I just like that he's the same height as me u_u#my art#also comic ??? deadpool??#specifically from Secret Wars#I really like how he looks in secret secret wars u_u#As someone who is 5'3 with cousins who are 6'+... yeah it does actually look like this thanks#I don't actually?? like the ship names but that's because i came up with my own years ago and... no... I shan't say it...#^u^ well fed now that the movie has convinced people to come around to this rarepair#the dinghy is now a whole sloop?? maybe even bigger...
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Spider-Society and The Day of Lots of Involuntary Trips to Earth-19999. (Finally finished this, god damn.)
I hadn’t seen any takes on what Spider-Society was like during Spider-man: No Way Home (2021), so I thought about it too hard.
I.e. I pulled up a clip of No Way Home to see what the Peter-abduction spell would look like from Miguel’s POV, then realized he'd have no idea what he's looking at and would probably mistake it for something else.
#Peter B Parker x Casual disregard for his own mortality is my OTP#Settle down Mayday Uncle Miggy thinks he just killed your dad#PeBer gets sent to Disney+#Always funny how easy getting out of the wrong dimension is for everyone who isn't Miles Morales#Peter you can’t say that about live-action people that’s racist#big man is an easy target for dramatic irony#my art#across the spiderverse#spider man no way home#spider man 2099#miguel o'hara#spiderman#atsv#atsv fanart#peter b parker#peter parker#mayday parker#spider girl#spider man#marvel mcu#spider man across the spider verse#atsv spoilers#no way home#spiderman no way home#No way home spoilers#I'm sorry I don't know why the horrified man holding a giggling baby is getting me so bad#The main reason this got done was every time I looked in my drafts I would see that panel and crack up.#into the spider verse#into the spiderverse#Spider man
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
#writeblr#warm up#my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky#i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles#yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help#for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT#and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen#than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say#''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help#i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't#actually offer fair support to everyone#we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help#bc i DID have it better than other people#and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn#instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself
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