#peace love and tranquility

[childofgod-3]

I am about to bare my soul to the world and be the most vulnerable ever and I do so with no fear, for this is my testimony of Gods unwavering and perfect love for all of his children. It is my prayer that I am able to articulate through my life’s journey that i know first hand that God exist, that he is the ultimate healer and that he keeps all his promises. I trust and believe that my story will help many hand over their lives over to the care of God, Amen.

I have to acknowledge that with out the matriarch of my family my maternal Grandmother Cipriana I would not have been able to reach this breakthrough. She was a woman of faith and She lifted up our family in prayer all alone. I learned from her actions (through her works of faith, she never forced fed us God nor demanded us to attend services) just observing her ways taught me the most valuable of life’s lessons and that is to trust in God and his plan.

I am in mourning and not well both in physical and mental health aspects as for my heart and soul i do not know if I will surpass this sudden and unimaginable loss. My loves passing has been the hardest blow I have received in life if i was a broken soul before his passing then I now merely exist isolated depressed and drug addicted (to meth) it feels as in my light is about to be extinguish.

As I laid in bed and weather it was all in my mind or if i saw it supernaturally i saw my light extinguishing. I felt like i as drifting down into darkness (it was day time) as i willing faded into the dark abyss. I heard my loves voice saying “all it takes is the faith of a mustard seed” that was our reminder to another that we have to have faith in God and his plan for us. In that instant, I turned to God and asked for understanding , i kept repeating in tears i don’t understand help me understand. I was back in bed with the light of day all around me no longer feeling like i was about to die of a broken heart. God answered me prayer and gave me a life time of understanding it came in a rush like wave after wave understanding not just regarding my love passing but a life time of understanding i was left overwghelmed doumbfounded and in disbelief.

My understanding is that i have been living a lie, i was a liar (what i hate the most is a liar). No wonder i had so much self hatred somewhere in subcontious i must have known I was a liar. I”ll only share at this point my understanding as it relates to the current season of my life.

All i ever wanted in my life was to find my other half and that to me would be sufficient for living a happy life. Knowing that at least one person loved me unconditionally and would have my back no matter what, that was my hearts desire. At forty nine years old i had lost my home, vehicles, employment all material things even the support of my family they all but one gave up on me. I ended up broke and homeless. (This was at the onset of the pandemic) At the same time i met my Dear Tony, so although i had lost everything i felt like i needed nothing i finally had my hearts desire my soulmate at my side and we both had faith in God.

I know of Gods perfect love, having had a visit from the holly spirit. So I could not coprehend why it was that after half a century had passed me by why he would grant me my hearts desire and then take it away so quickly. I’m so hard headed and set in my ways that the lie i created was that of a normal existence. God had to strip me down to nothing and silence me in order for me to understand that i was suffering from a form of mental illness. I was raped at five years old by my 15 year oldneighbor and as a result of that trauma i learned that the truth has consequences and its best to lie i lied so much that i started to believe my own lies. Tony my love had studied psychology while he was incarcerated and he was able to identify my issues after i disclosed to him my child hood trauma he tried many different ways of reaching me so that i can live an authenticate life but how does a normal human being convey to another that their insane. Well he did so he broke through once and i cherish that moment when i walked towards him he was laying on the living room floor and layed down at his side crying affirming that I am that person he described the liar with characteristics of a naracssits, a sadist a manipilautar etc he held me in his arms and in the most gentle and loving way ill cherish that memory forever. Even though he reached me and I recognized that my life was a lie so sever was my trauma that the first thing that freighted me and i went back to my fantasy world my safe place i had completely forgotten about that fact until God intervened and it is still a struggle I think about eleven times now I come out of make beleive world and back to reality. At the same time i see how God has incorporate it in to my healing as I am able to make sense of things and when i cant find answers, I just hand it over to God. That was the most important thing i learned on my spirtual journey even if I were all alone and my entire family parished even if the world hated me and wished me harm all that Matters is my believe and trust in God and so i forsake all others and place my trust in the most high my lord and savior Father God! The Holy Ghost and Jesus Christ

I’m free of the confines of my own mind, God is the ultimate healer, who else but he could have restored me back to sanity.

In the post to come i will write more in detail regarding the significance of meeting Tony, my childhood trauma as well as share more in detail some of the things i have finally after a life time have come to understand.

If i don’t make sense at times please bare in mind my fragil state. I have this unwavering need to share my story as well as my journey in my spirtual growth.

[hinamie]

long way home

[honeytonedhottie]

how to embrace being alone⋆.ೃ࿔*:･✍🏽🎀

learning to be alone is such a crucial thing to learn at all times during your life, but especially during your youth. and something to understand is that sometimes, protecting your peace comes at the cost of being alone but being alone is peaceful! and not as bad as you might think that it is.

being alone offers an opportunity for self discovery and growth and rest and relaxation and reflection and the list goes ON. being able to enjoy your own company is a SUPER power bcuz it genuinely nourishes you so much.

ENJOYING UR OWN COMPANY ;

you dont have to be codependent on someone else to make yourself happy or to make yourself feel good. what fulfills you and nourishes you isnt the relationships that u have with others. although that is an amazing and fulfilling thing, the most fulfilling thing is learning yourself. being alone REPLENISHES you, its like, hydration for the soul.

dont wait on someone else to do something that you wanna do!! if u dont have anyone to go with, just go on your own. you dont have to wait on others to be happy…💬🎀

PRACTICE BEING ALONE ;

go on solo dates, practice planning to do something fun and just doing it by yourself. once you start doing things alone and you see how nice it feels, you'll want to do it more bcuz its so easy to enjoy your own company, you just have to get over your fear of judgement or of being alone and learn to enjoy and embrace it.

♡ have a spa day

♡ learn to cook a new dish

♡ read a book

♡ have a journalling session

♡ schedule appointments for urself

♡ go on a long drive

SOME BENEFITS OF ENJOYING UR OWN COMPANY ;

♡ u can be urself without filter

♡ less distractions and u give urself time to ponder and look internally

♡ ur in control of ur space and time

♡ u can be creative and imaginative without reference

♡ its peaceful

BEING UR OWN BESTFRIEND ;

treat yourself how you'd treat someone that you valued a lot. be compassionate and understanding and respectful. dont talk badly about yourself and dont be mean to/punish yourself bcuz u wouldn't do that to someone that u loved and cherished…💬🎀

dont abandon yourself in times where life can become stressful. focus on being present and dont forget your worth. your self worth and value doesn’t come from how useful you are to others, your valuable simply because you are you. a human being who is deserving of love. your worth doesnt come from how productive you are or what you’ve achieved, instead your worth is already done and your valuable because of your existence. 

COPING WITHOUT FRIENDS ;

everything is temporary and meaningful relationships will always find their way to you. just understand that some ppl are here temporarily and some ppl are here for a lifetime but only you are here for all of it which is why its important to be alone and be comfy with that.

not everyone is gonna like you or wanna be your friend and thats okay. it has nothing to do with you and is almost always simply because of different personalities and its not personal

brush off rejections bcuz rejection is just redirection. when you dont take everything personally you'll notice how much happier you'll be overall.

know that the meaningful relationships and connections that u crave will come!! no one is here to be alone forever so you'll meet the people who pour into you and you'll meet ppl that u can pour into and you'll be okay!!

overall, enjoying your own company does wonders for your mental and physical health and its a useful skill to learn in general because it brings so much peace from being able to sit with your thoughts…💬🎀

[suave1foru]

Just us

[holistichealingg]

[shelovesplants]

Forget your pain, blaze it all away🤟🏝⛰️🏝🌊💨

[amy---pearson]

There is something that calls softly and deeply in the mossy forest...

[mcnultyocorcoran]

[zeezeebum]

How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

[848ellie]

Sin all week. Repent on Sunday 🙏

[usefulquotes7]

When love finds you again, I wish for you that is kind, gentle, loving, peaceful and tranquil. May it make you smile again, laugh often, dance like no one’s watching, and support your true self without condition.

[thejourneyoflifewords]

I no longer allow people to cause chaos within my life. I learned that I am deserving of peace. That I do not have to ask for love. I learned that I am allowed to choose who I want around me, and who I never want near me. This life is the only thing that is truly mine, and I refuse to feel guilty for wanting tranquility.

[suave1foru]

Risk it

[downfalldestiny]

Peaceful moment 🔥 !.

[sheismo]

The New Year Is OTW. Let’s Prepare! 🤎✨🤞🏾

[worldbuildingwanderlust]

Don't chase that next stimulation Savor the scarcity of time's Sacred silence Peppered between Each deluge of despair And stressing agitations Ever gnawing At the edges of our minds

Peace is a moment A drop of rain In the amorphous bucket Of our hearts

Collect it Shape it Into the mirror Of a placid lake