#panic attacks can have weird symptoms btw

[dont-lick-my-foot]

no because why did my brain do this

[tumblingclockwork]

BESTIE can you tell me more about your lovely lady Jo I like her a lot....

IM SOOOOOO FUCKING GLAD YOU ASKED so she’s like technically an SCP OC tho we’re not suuuper connected to that universe it’s more of a vessel to tell our story but she’s this middle aged lesbian who is PAST her prime. She never had a prime. This is a cringe woman. She’s like on the millennial gen x cusp and it’s like painfully obvious. She is not a cool woman. She hasn’t even really talked to a girl other than her sister since high school. She’s got no friends. She works a minimum wage job and then goes home to her little house she took from her elderly mom after her mom got moved to 24/7 care (Jo doesn’t visit her btw)

And then one day she wakes up with a ton of weird symptoms. They persist for weeks. She goes to a doctor. They have her take a pregnancy test even though she tries to explain to them she can’t Possibly be pregnant. It comes back positive. She takes several more. She is super pregnant. She panics. She assumes the worst. She cannot fathom how this could have happened. More tests are done. She gets an ultrasound done. There’s no baby. Every pregnancy test comes back positive. She experiences every symptom of pregnancy. Her body is reacting as if there is a baby. But there’s just no baby. Her womb is empty.

For a really long time she tries to find an answer. Doctors don’t take her seriously. They assume she has an extreme case of Pseudocyesis. They blame it on her parental problems. She sees therapists. Nothing helps, and she continues to appear more and more pregnant until her body stops at around the 7th month mark.

Eventually she gives up and for Four Years she exists in a body that is 7 months pregnant until eventually her case gets brought to a doctor who has ties to the SCP foundation and they immediately clock her as something anomalous. The foundation gets involved.

The SCP foundation sends in Agent Ainsley ( @ericka-the-worm ‘s character, If you were wondering) to pick her up. He’s a high level agent in the foundation. He’s well trusted to do an easy job like this. Except Ainsely has just come back from forced leave after his spouse, another agent at the foundation, was killed by an SCP. He’s freshly traumatized and his grief has made him angry. The sound of a lamp crashing on the ground when he breaks into her home sends him into a full on PTSD induced panic attack which he believes was not just a sign that he wasn’t ready to come back to work, but instead a mental attack from Jo, who he believes is a far more dangerous SCP than she’s letting on and able to manipulate his mind.

The foundation believes Ainsley and puts Jo in maximum containment. She’s left unattended for days. The isolation drives her crazy. She has been abducted from her home with no explanation and now sits in a silent white room every second of the day. She tries her best to stay sane but it’s near impossible. She deals with constant hallucinations and delusions. That’s when a scientist is assigned to her case. Doctor Zephyr Salem ( @kennydennys )

Dr Salem is driven by only one thing: knowledge. They learn very quickly that Ainsley’s report of Jo wasn’t accurate. And they are very easily attached to Jo for how interesting she is, both as an SCP, and as a human woman who has been driven out of her mind.

Jo IMMEDIATELY attaches to Salem as the only person who she’s in contact with. Finally being able to talk to another person and have a connection to the outside world, she relies on them, and believes them completely when they say they want to help her with her condition and eventually free her from containment.

Jo feels that she’s already been saved by Salem, because she finally has someone to talk to after being in isolation for so long. But the SCP foundation is Salem’s place of work, and Salem has to clock out eventually. They can’t stay with her all the time, and she still spends most of her time completely alone. She continues to get worse. Salem tells Jo that things won’t be like this forever, and she’ll get to leave some day. But in reality Salem has no real intention of ever letting their most interesting case yet leave them.

[bubacorn]

What if I asked you for your nd vessels hc's?

This is a photo of my brain worm, btw♡

Oh, gods, they are so scattered in my brain and I feel like I forgot most of them, but here's a few that come to mind right now:

rsd hits Vessel and III hard. Vessel shuts down and stops talking, and can take the wrong wording and tone really seriously, so it can happen that the others just worded something wrong when they weren't paying that much attention and Vessel thinks that he did something wrong. III sometimes feels that he is a bother and tries pulling away, then feels guilty for doing that and needs a lot of reassurance that he's not too much

my autistic!Vessel hc is that he can cook, but likes baking more. if he does cook, he needs straightforward instructions and when the others start throwing around 'pinch'es and 'some's, he quickly gives up and leaves it to them. maybe he gets a little sensitive about it and lets them cook most of the time, so they can season to their taste, but they try to transcribe their recipes so he can follow written measurements

at one point I was like: I bet Vessel has really bad misophonia, then I remembered Vore, so that hc is standing on a shaky foundation

plushies!!! the manor is a plushie household. I would say all of them have their own favorites that they squish/hug when watching TV or rub when in need of stimulation/soothing

II needs his spaces organized, otherwise he can't think. he's prone to taking on too much and getting intense anxiety/panic attacks from task-overwhelm and the others constantly have to gently remind him to take it easy

III has a bunch of fidget toys and rings he spins on his fingers (definitely not borrowed from Vessel. he also plays with the ones on Vessel's fingers, too, if they sit together)

Vessel is really good at pattern-recognition, and loves symmetry in most things. tapping fingers has to be to a certain rhythm and it has to be repeated an exact number of times or else it's off

III gets attached to objects, mostly things he found (cool stones and stuff) and gifts from the others

II taps his foot and plays an imaginary double bass sometimes

IV loves to-do lists and having tasks organized. it keeps his anxiety at bay, because it minimizes the chance that he forgot something

Vessel and IV like shopping the least out of the four. Vessel gets overwhelmed by choices and people, and feels anxious about lingering in the store, because he feels that he's in the way/looks weird. IV wears noise-cancelling headphones most times and gives Ves the shopping list so he can focus on that and they can get it done quickly. also they all encourage each other to get little treats and buy food if they get hungry, so no one is grouchy on the way home/if they still have to cook

also, shopping trip panic attacks mean at least one person goes to the car with the one panicking, and the others finish. if it's the two of them, they abandon shopping to make sure the other is okay. comfort and safety first. shopping can wait. there's no snapping/being annoyed about having to go back some other time

this became a bit rambly, sorry about that. I don't really hc specific conditions/disorders, rather symptoms, I guess and it seems most of the time I let my brain sneak in stuff unconsciously into my writing that I realize while editing/rereading and go 'wait a minute'

what if we kissed. and we were both worms on strings. *smooches you for this ask* 💖

[horce-divorce]

as someone who has been all but fucking abandoned by doctors to manage my extreme and severe nerve damage pain from my rare disorder on my own. every time someone brings up cannabis hyperemesis syndrome to me makes me more insulted and irate than the last.

especially because the last several times I wasn't talking about vomiting. I was talking about preprandial PAIN. that began when I was NINE YEARS OLD. ie pain after EATING. that is RELIEVED. by SMOKING.

1. onset of CHE must be AFTER several YEARS of continuous cannabis usage. the reverse is true in my case. I did not start smoking cannabis until several many years AFTER onset/worsening of pain and other symptoms like vomiting. cannabis RELIEVES these symptoms and is in fact THE ONLY THING THAT DOES THAT and NO! gabapentin didn't do fuck all for me!!!!!

2. CHE is characterized by vomiting, pain & other symptoms occuring AFTER YOU SMOKE! and symptoms that get better when you stop! FUCKING FASCINATING! that is, again, the exact opposite of true for me!!!!

3. People with CHE find relief in hot showers???? Lmfao my POTS having ass could never but ESPECIALLY when I'm nauseous are you fucking kidding me? That would actually kill me!!! What is actually going on with cannabis hyperemesis???? like. that is weird as fuck.

(source btfw. since apparently doctors love referencing shit they cannot fucking read)

so not only do the 3 MAIN DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA blatantly not apply to my case, I have seen DOZENS UPON DOZENS of other doctors, do you really think none of them fucking thought of ibs, anxiety and cannabis hyperemesis syndrome? because lol, lmao, I promise you, each and every single doctor I've ever spoken to went out of their way to mention those each MORE than once.

The fucking university that diagnosed me with MALS, a rare disorder characterized by pain so severe it caused panic attacks, has a strict no opioids policy, and apparently I'm not a candidate for MALS surgery until I'm dying already (they literally told me id have to be on a feeding tube first. that is a whole separate posts worth of bad information). they literally told me to go smoke weed and fuck off. they left me on my fucking own. and it took me TEN (10) YEARS to get diagnosed. It took me a DECADE To get to the point where I was told "yeah we know exactly what you have and that it's insanely painful and causing a lot of nerve damage. umm smoke weed about it since you love doing that so much? bye"

so I do what they ask of me, I take my care entirely into my own fucking hands and I learn everything I can and *I* painstakingly stay in top of the latest research about my condition, and *I* find ways to manage the pain, and *I* document my results, and *I* am my own fucking full time carer since this pain is so disabling it cost me my 20s. Only to have every SINGLE fucking one of my doctors turn around and disrespect and disregard ALL of that fucking work I do to ask me "have you considered not smoking weed, in the interest of me doing a bad and lazy job?"

literally how fucking hard is it to give someone- WHO HAS ALREADY PROVEN THEY ARE COMPETENT ABOUT THEIR DIAGNOSES!!!!! Ok!!! So we are not talking fucking hypotheticals here, we are talking 'i have a piece of paper from the university next door that says I have this and I am actually explaining what it is TO the doctor' okay??- THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT ABOUT MY OWN EXPERIENCE. which btw, is the PRIMARY evidence you even HAVE to work with and do your job. basic lab results will only tell you so much.

why is it so FUCKING HARD to get medical professionals to treat disabled people like we are fucking people!!!!!! they act like it's so hard. like we're asking them to go fucking above and beyond or something with this shit.

this was far from being the worst thing about that visit btw I just am sitting here seething at 4am checking off every single box on the Shitty Healthcare Provider Bingo Card in my brain and I'm going "AND ANOTHER THING!" ableist as fuck, check- she literally called autistic people assholes in the context of, "not EVERYONE with autism is the stereotype, like, an asshole and into trains or whatever"- and then suggested to Bel that his widespread joint pain is probably from being clumsy and hurting himself bc he's autistic.........). disregarded everything we said, check. repeatedly recommended a bunch of irrelevant and ineffective medications or options (such as "quitting smoking weed") that we have already tried, check. brought up a legitimate related issue (hypoglycemia) that she then glossed over and told us nothing about, check. made HELLA assumptions instead of just fucking asking us things- she started going into this spiel about how, like, you know getting diagnosed doesn't mean you'll get a CURE, right? :/ And we both had to be like ummmmmmmmm. I have a vascular compression and fucking nerve damage I need to know about that shit happening inside my body. That's not about getting a cure it's about making sure all my organs get enough blood and that I GET ADEQUATE MEDICAL CARE, INCLUDING PAIN MANAGEMENT.

This is why Bel and I go to all our appointments together these days. I can't imagine how fucking awful this would've been if we'd met with her alone, so she could've just steamrolled over us 1-on-1 in private.

I fucking hate doctors this is why nobody ever wants to go to the hospital. Not only does it cost an arm and a leg, we are paying to get fucking disrespected and disregarded, and then they're all confused about why their patients have shitty dispositions. Fuck you

[crystalkleure]

Saying shit like "go to therapy" and "get help" as an insult is like, deeply fucked up lol

Don't fucking tell somebody to "seek mental help" as an equivalent to saying "I think you should be locked up in a psych ward until I deem you more palatable to exist around here in society with us Normal People," Jesus Christ??

I have DID, and thus also the severe PTSD that necessitated the development of it. I cannot tell you how many times someone has nastily told me to "get help/work on myself" for just visibly displaying symptoms of an incurable condition.

I talk to myself, out loud. I space out and stare at nothing sometimes. Things that seem benign can make me very visibly anxious/distressed, even if I manage to keep functioning anyway in spite of it and even tell people not to worry because I know my fear is irrational. I get confused, I don't remember things. I sometimes speak with irritation in my voice, though it's not directed at anything external, it is directed at the 10 other people in my head who won't shut up while I'm trying to focus on something. And yet, even if I explain this, the external people around me still get offended by my tone.

Sometimes I tell people I need space, and they tell me something like "Oh but I just want to tell you about this nice thing/I just want to show you something cool real quick!" and continue speaking to me when I am already too overwhelmed and trying to communicate this, leading to me snapping at them and possibly even shouting at them to stop, which offends them because they were "just being friendly." Me asking for space is perceived as unreasonable because they think I should not need it, because needing it for the reason[s] I've provided is "not normal."

I am told it is rude of me to just be visibly unwell, it's inconsiderate to other people because it's inconvenient to them, it's embarrassing to the people I'm with in public because "people are staring." Even if I know how to get through whatever problem I'm having, like to shut my eyes and cover my ears and stop for a minute, or to say something to myself out loud because I can't currently commit it to memory otherwise due to dissociating, it's still unacceptable.

I am told it is childish to carry a stuffed animal or other toy around in public at my age, even though the tactile sensation of fidgeting with the object gives me something to focus on other than my own thoughts, which makes the toy excellent anxiety-abatement.

I'm told it's inappropriate behaviour, because it's weirding people out. I'm told I need to be able to either 1. not have these problems in the first place, or 2. be unbothered enough by them to hide them completely, before it is acceptable for me to be around other human beings.

I had a panic attack in a car once, inconveniencing the person who was driving, because they had to pull over through heavy traffic due to the high chance I was about to vomit. I was harshly scolded and blamed for this, and told I ought to be pumped full of horse tranquilizers. I was compared to an animal and told I should be sedated against my will, NOT because it would make me feel better, but because it would make me more bearable to deal with. "You should have your autonomy taken away because you having autonomy inconveniences me." And that is only one example of the many times I have been told something like that. "Get help," "fix your life," "you need medication," "you need to be strapped down and sedated," said with disgust instead of concern when I am in acute distress.

And then I am told I cannot be offended by this because "What's there to be upset about?? It would be good for you. Do you just like wallowing in misery, do you just want pity without allowing anyone to help you? Do you not want to improve as a person?" [Hey it's fucked up that "no longer having a mental health condition" is considered "improving as a person" btw. Mental illness is not a fucking moral failure.]

I was in therapy for years. I would be in therapy right NOW, if not for transportation issues. Therapy is great. I love therapy and highly recommend it to anybody who is struggling. It will improve your quality of life significantly. It will bring you a lot of peace of mind.

Therapy did not magically cure me. Not all mental conditions CAN be cured. Therapy actually taught me to do the exact behaviours that people tell me I need to be institutionalized for, the talking to myself to help with the memory issues, the methods to calm down when distressed.

I've even been medicated before, nothing really helped and the side effects were too detrimental to my physical health. It was determined I actually do better unmedicated.

This has all made it pretty clear to me when somebody is suggesting I go back to therapy out of concern for my wellbeing, because they can see I am suffering and would like me to NOT be suffering, vs. when they are telling me "Go away until someone fixes you and makes you Not Weird, so I don't have to put up with you in the meantime."

HEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS, taught to me by a mental health professional, are met with disgust and admonishment for being Weird In Public. I DID go to therapy. This is what the therapist literally told me to do!

Hey, is the person covering their ears and humming to themself in a clearly distressed way actually causing harm to you at all, or are you just AFRAID they might attack you because some part of you thinks "mental condition" = "potentially dangerous"? Are you afraid FOR the suffering person, or are you afraid OF them? There is a big difference, and we can tell which one it is when you say shit like "you need help" with revulsion instead of worry in your voice.

[gingerteaonthetardis]

hi, I read your tags on your post about getting an allergic reaction (hope you're okay btw!) and they sounded familiar: the spike of anxiety, difficulty breathing and weird heartrate are things I've also had. the times it's happened i've always chalked it up to a panic attack despite there not being anything to trigger it. you mentioned something about blood pressure, and low blood pressure runs in my family. if ur comfortable could you explain a bit more? (feel free to ignore if not of course)

hey, nonny!

so, i am definitely not a doctor or in any way medically educated, and i can't comfortably give much in the way of advice. particularly not when it comes to low blood pressure, as i have the opposite problem.

i can really only say that i have had significant reactions (changes in heartrate, blurred vision, alternate shallow breathing and gasping for breath, a sense of impending doom, feeling like my throat is closing, numb/cold limbs, dizziness, mental fog) when i have taken certain medications and the common thread, historically, has been that those medications are known to cause a jump in blood pressure. i already have hypertension (high blood pressure), so it makes sense that things like decongestants, NSAIDs, bupropion (all things i have foolishly tried that are medically known to spike blood pressure) have caused... well, sometimes very scary reactions for me.

calling what was happening an 'allergic reaction' when it's actually just 'rare and dangerous side effects/overdose symptoms' (i'm not joking! i was apparently having overdose symptoms after two days of the standard regimen recommended on the bottle akdhskshdks)—ANYWAY, it was probably needlessly hyperbolic of me, but i was really just clowning on my own post, lol.

nonetheless, 0/10. pretty much identical symptoms to the time i literally—accidentally!!!—poisoned myself. and i hated that, too. also very similar to past panic attacks.

on that note: i also have a history of panic attacks and they can genuinely come out of nowhere and seemingly be triggered by nothing, in my experience. you might be experiencing them on a kind of delay, reacting in a way that feels almost disconnected from whatever caused the attack, because that's how long your body took to catch up. or they could relate to blood pressure! or they could relate to some other medical factor i'm not aware of. seriously, the possibilities are many and highly varied and i'm not qualified to comment, i'm so sorry.

if it's a serious concern for you, though, i highly recommend talking to your doctor about it and trying to suss out if there's something medical going on. or if you're in the u.s. and live near a pharmacy, some of them have those little pressure cuff machines where you can sit there and check your blood pressure for free. that could be a good starting point.

okay, i have to stop typing and close my eyes because i am so sleepy sooo very tired still. but thank you for your concern, dear nonny, and i hope this was even remotely helpful!

[gcldrvsh08]

@golbrocklovely i just made this a post because it’s way too many words for an ask box, also off anon btw! (like duh, me 🫠)

But yeah, that’s definitely weird.

having a screwed up schedule like yours at the time, basically all my life, and being forgetful (probs smthg undiagnosed on my end, where i’ve gotten weeks mixed up), I can write off ‘time being off’ if u have smthg similar to me, but benefit of the doubt that we’re not the same with deadlines and whatever because you can just check a calendar and have some many other reminders throughout the day and stuff. so how i understood the passage was indifferent, i don’t get the full scope but i’ll reread it again.

the flowers are odd, having those type of seasonal flowers and a rose bush (or peonie maybe?) at my house, you can obvi tell the diff btwn falling and being burned. and like a campus has no need to burn them 😭 if it was arson then gossip would be spreading and an email would exist.

the emotions with casting is weird too. like i get that feeling you’re describing, and feeling t h a t emotionally deep joy from nowhere would’ve probs had me panicking 😭 like it’s scary and sounds manic tbh. but (w/o knowing ur fam’s history), i dont think ppl can have manic symptoms without the disorder…? not a doc. maybe it was ur body’s failsafe to keep u from having a panic attack? idk. just throwing skeptic stuff out there. but did you ever ask the director why he didn’t pick you?

but the fact you and your mom experienced the same thing is definitely odd. and the fact that she said the date out loud first, so there’s no susceptibility there, leans towards shifting.

you can shift whenever and randomly btw!! tiktok just has people thinking it’s when you’re sleeping. but did you ever find out what was off? you could also try asking spirit guides if you believe in them.

[ohbae-me]

oh my goshhh I just saw the pregnancy headcannons and oml I cant😫

Can I request somefor a couple other brothers? Lucifer, belphie, and Levi??

I love your writings btw 😊❤️

Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy these as well 🥰

Lucifer;

When MC first tells him, he's just going to kinda stare at them in shock for a good 5 minutes

Internally, he's thinking about his own father, his relationship with Satan, and how unsafe the house is for a baby. But when MC places a hand on his cheek, he snaps out of it and gives them a tender kiss. If MC is by his side, it can only be perfect.

Really loves shopping for baby items? Can't help but picture his future with MC and baby as they shop and it warms his heart

The brothers have always been in charge of keeping the human safe, but Lucifer demands much stricter security measures for them throughout the entire pregnancy. He wishes he could do it himself more, but unfortunately it's not as feasible. However when he's around, he tends to hover over MC, not letting them strain in anyway.

Hes always been softer with MC, especially in private, but he just can't keep it to himself as easily once they're carrying his child. He will be much more likely to show PDA, especially lovingly rubbing their tummy as he speaks with them

Works hard in the early stages of the pregnancy so that he can take time off near the end. He wants to spend as much time with MC as he can in the last couple months.

Will do whatever he can to keep them healthy and comfortable, and is extra cautious about his own schedule and work habits now. Attends every single doctors appointment and would drop everything if MC needed something.

That initial fear comes back when MC goes into labor, but he stays calm for their sake. Almost gets kicked out of the delivery room because he's being snarky with the nurses since his MC is clearly in pain and they need to do something about it right this second.

But when he sees MC holding their child and smiling up at him, he thinks he might actually cry he's so happy. Lots of forehead kisses for MC and baby.

Leviathan;

Thinks MC is joking and is expecting Mammon to jump out and yell GOTCHA at every second.

Literally takes him until the first ultrasound to finally get it though his head that he's going to be a father. He's going to be a dad?! Has a full on panic attack when they get home. It's probably going to take a lot of comfort and reassuring from MC to calm him down.

MC manages to find lots of animes about families with babies and he finally starts coming around and getting excited. He is terrified, but knows it'll be okay with MC there with him.

Always in awe of MCs baby bump once it starts showing. Cannot keep his hands off of it. Honestly, he's going to talk to the baby more than he talks to MC. He reads it TSL, tells it about his favorite games and series, and how much fun they're going to have as a family soon.

Buys all sorts of games and series for children. He's so excited to teach his kid all about his interests! The brothers are going to constantly complain about how many Akuzon packages are being delivered, but when they see the cute baby stuff and MCs belly they drop it. Honestly they're buying just as much for the little one, such proud, doting uncles!

He's not as overbearing during the pregnancy as some of the other brothers, but when he's alone with MC he talks a lot about their future family, his worries, his excitement and his love for MC and their unborn child.

Is both terrified and in awe when baby starts to kick and move around. After he's sure MC isn't hurt, he tells all his brothers that his baby is going to be the super strong protagonist that can kick everyone's butts.

Goes very quiet when MC goes into labor, he's terrified and anxious and doesn't really want to have to experience this part, but he really wants to be there with MC and to see his baby. He hates that he can't help more than just holding their hand through it and is definitely crying, but he holds them tight and tells MC how amazing and strong they are.

Is still crying when MC passes him their baby, and holds it more tenderly than any of his most prized merchandise. He knows then that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for this little one.

Belphegor;

Is shocked when MC tells him, but is actually one of the quickest to come around to it. He's all smiles as he kisses MC and tells them that they need to go tell Beel, then the rest of the brothers right away.

He's a family person, and starting a family with MC is one of his favorite dreams

Hates to admit it, but while he's nervous about it, he has a good family that will be there to help if they ever needed it. Knows this baby will have the most protective uncles and be the most spoiled child in all three realms.

He's so smug about it and takes any chance he can to rub it in that MC is pregnant with his child

Becomes very delicate with his nap cuddles. He doesn't cling so tight for fear of hurting them, and likes to have an arm over MCs middle, keeping his human and child safe and close.

Buys MC a pregnancy pillow and regrets it because now that pillow gets more cuddles than he does. But will buy so many pillows, blankets and soft things to keep MC comfortable throughout the pregnancy.

Hums soft lullabies to their belly when he thinks MC is asleep and is surprisingly diligent with making sure the nursery is all set up for baby, and making sure the house in general is child safe

Is the most calm during the labour, soothes MC and keeps them as comfy as he possibly can. Has Beel handy with some comfort snacks and ice chips if MC needs it. His smile and gaze is nothing but loving as he watches MC bring their child into this world

Adores his child the second he gets to hold them. He never thought it was possible to love so much and was proved wrong with MC, then all over again with their baby. Will definitely only let Beel hold them at first, but is actually really happy that all his brothers are there too.

Solomon;

Can't stop grinning and hugging and smooching MC when he finds out. He had never planned on starting a family until he met MC, and now he feels like it's the best possible future for him.

Definitely passively aggressively rubs it in to all the brothers any chance he gets, and is way too smug when they get jealous and annoyed

Definitely looking up protective spells to keep MC safe and potions to help ease any symptoms NC might suffer throughout the pregnancy.

Reads lots of books on parenting with MC, and really enjoys shopping for baby items together. Also signs them up for those birthing and parenting classes

Gives in to MCs pleas to please take genuine cooking lessons from Barabatos after he offers to cook MC some weird food he heard was good for baby development. MC just begs Barbatos to make it instead because they don't trust it at all even after the cooking lessons

Doesn't hover too much unless they are visiting the Devildom. Then he makes sure he's always holding their hand or is close by in some way.

Teaches MC any magic he feels would be useful to them and baby. Healing spells, protection spells, funny ones to make baby laugh, etc.

Finds them the cutest house in the human world, big enough for all the guests they will inevitably have as well and becomes the ultimate house husband. Minus cooking. He'll make sure everything is clean and tidy, that the nursery is out together and ready, that MC attends all their appointments. Especially towards my the end of the pregnancy, Solomon makes sure that MC can relax and take it as easy as possible before baby comes.

He is very prepared for the labor. Hospital bag ready in hand and he helps MC get to the car, timing contractions and gives the doctor a perfect medical history when they check in. Has MC in the comfiest clothes and keeps them so calm through the whole thing. Talks them through it and praises them while they push.

Is ecstatic to finally hold his baby. His smile is huge as he rocks the little bundle of joy. He picks out all the features that are identical to MC and himself and can't believe that they made something so beautiful together

[whateverthedragonswant]

Holy crap this episode was funny as hell until it wasn't and then we were plunged right back into the intensity. But great episode!!! I don't lb so I don't get spoilers but man I had a lot of reactions as I watched. Ngl, a lot of cursing and caps ahead but damn was this such a good episode:

“One minute before the blackout” - now we’re to 1 minute from 1 week last week

“The place where this heart’s from, it was a tragedy. But once we land, it’s gonna turn into a miracle, right?” “Yeah, I like that” -- so once we land and settle after all of this craziness, a tragedy will turn into a miracle? I like that *looking at you Eddie*

EDDIE GET OUT OF THAT CHOPPER RN, DO NOT DO THIS TO ME AFTER SEASON 4, DO NOT!!!

Bobby going in to save the heart, hmm...

Oh, thank God - Eddie, Hen, and Bobby are all safe

Dr. Salazar - we need more of her. I love her so much.

4 Days later - hmm...

Wow, they’re really bringing Harry to the forefront here, this whole kidnapping thing is going to happen isn't it?

Harry charging neighbors and Michael and David in a sort of co-parent situation - first of all, Harry you are a GENIUS and love that Michael and David with Harry are being focused on in this episode, ahem, is there possibly a reason...?

Lou survived!!!! THANK GOD

Nearly 5 days Lou was in hospital

5 day head start for Hudson - is there something with 1, 3, 4 and now 5? I'm keeping track here, Tim

Buck is the power czar LOL - omg I love this man so much

Ravi!!! We need MORE Ravi!!! but where is Albert???

CHIMNEY!!!!! OMG I LOVE YOU - "Give me a charger or Uncle Buck will never see his niece again" - "Give him a charger" - "Well played" - "Let this be a lesson, never give that man a clipboard" - "Excuse me for being efficient" - "That’s one word for what you are" - okay #1 I will forever be in love with Chimney, probably one of my top favorite characters on this show & #2 LOVE this whole brothers interaction, Albert may not be there but Buck and Chim are still going with the whole older-brother-is-exasperated-with-the-younger-brother's-shit vibe

Oh God, here comes more cringe, yay... not so much

Eddie kisses Ana on the cheek AGAIN (Eddie, can you hear me? This is your subconscious speaking, when are you going to end this, my man?)

Ana says going to visit was Christopher’s idea since he missed Eddie and thought he was hungry - muy interesante

Buck rushing over to greet Christopher and hugging him tight is a moment I live for - outside of the whole Buck and Eddie story, I LOVE this relationship with all of my heart, I am so glad Christopher has Buck, he really is his second dad (with or without Eddie being involved)

Eddie not introducing Ana to Ravi (nor Buck saying hi) - Buck’s expression - “You must be Eddie’s wife” Christopher: “Not yet” I FUCKING LOVE THIS KID, OKAY!!!! Buck’s smile, he loves Christopher, too - love how Ana and Eddie don't say anything to dispel or clarify this

SAME FUCKING TRIGGER AND THIS TIME BUCK SEES IT!!!! OMG (Eddie, this is your subconscious again, you need to listen! The universe and I are trying to tell you something, please before any more shit hits the fan like me having to watch more uncomfortable interactions between you and your placeholder friend!)

Eddie sending Ana and Christopher on a tour with Ravi IN THE DARK at his work place so he can put SALADS AWAY

Buck’s expressions the entire time - Buck knows something's up

Ana’s expressions the entire time - she KNOWS

Thank God Bobby wasn’t around - hear me out, I have a reason for this that I am still working on in this long ass meta

Buck makes sure to not make eye contact with Ana (except quickly when Ravi is waiting to be introduced), even when Ana laughs at his “Constantly”

Eddie being a probie when Shannon came back in season 2 (and Eddie pulled her into the locker room to talk) & Ana being left to tour the station house with Ravi aka Probie - hello parallels & contrasts, my old friend

“I don’t want these things to wilt” - interesting choice of wording there, Eddie (newsflash, it's already wilting, Eddie)

I almost feel a little bad for Ana here because she did do something nice and she gets the brushoff and some discomfort/embarrassment in return (I mean the woman brought three salads in the middle of a blackout that she most likely made herself, come on - I'm sure some people think salads are easy to make but to those of us in the inexperienced/uninitiated cooks' club, it's not that simple)

Lila dead - hmm...are we surprised? (Hudson didn't give a fig about her and what's sad is Lou would have saved her)

“I think she was smitten like those other fools. I think she saw him being led away in cuffs and she intervened on his behalf” - interesting line there, Athena...

I need more scenes with Athena and Elaine - I know Elaine is the captain and Athena is on her own with no partner but I gotta say I am enjoying this

Athena! Why are you not warning the survivors!!! I mean I get it but still!!!

OMG “He takes Christopher all the time, he’s got the place memorized” - BUCK LISTENED TO EDDIE IN 3x03 - OMG!!!

Oh Buck my poor baby, he knows what they’re walking into - I LOVE Hen’s line of “Just smile, Buck” and then Eddie and Chim both smile wide at him - OMG I AM LIVING FOR THESE SCENES WITH THE 118

“Welcome to the Jungle” - nice touch 911

OMG Buck you are cracking me up - no animals are getting past him

1 hawk or eagle or raptor maybe? I’m not good with bird species okay!!!

3 emus again

1 bird I have no idea what kind (wondering if that’s what we saw the back of last episode near the emus)

Giraffe again

3 wolves

3 camels

Elephant

“The animal makes a move, control it” - YOU GOT THIS BUCK (yes we are finally getting that scene we saw filmed!!!)

Buck’s expression when the camel runs by is KILLING ME 'yeah, that's right Camel, back up, back up, you don't want any of this, yeah that's right'

Stuffed animals in the souvenir store, interesting

2 for $5 sign - even more interesting

1 alpaca

I guess I kind of wonder why Hen didn’t become a vet at one point in her life? Like I’m glad she’s a first responder and about to be a doctor but damn she knows so much about animals, she’s like the 118’s resident animal expert, that’s my girl

“We were gonna get one” - um...what? Hen...

“I wouldn’t” LOL oh Bobby you slay me

Is it just me or do we hear ET almost type music in the background as Hen lays chips down for the alpaca? Bobby mentioning the Reese’s Pieces, the flashlight shining on the Alpaca when it steps into view...are we getting an ET reference?

“It’s calling its friend!” *another Alpaca appears through coats “Clever girl” - a Jurassic Park reference - It’s a fucking Steven Spielberg reference, holy shit!!!!

Okay so that scene was Eddie looking over at Bobby, got it, near the fire trucks

Oh Buck I love you so much “So you ran from an Alpaca?” “Two Alpacas and no one was running” - both Buck’s and Eddie’s faces and then laughter are freaking hilarious

Chimney: “After careful consideration, I have decided not to endorse this park” - OMG I have not stopped laughing for like five minutes straight, can you imagine a Jurassic Park AU for this team? - shot of T-rex above Ripley’s Believe It Or Not (nice one, 911)

Weird looking bird that I've never seen before and 2 emus and 2 vulture, 1 hawk/raptor bird, 1 rhino

May is awesome!!! And so are those neighbors!!!!

Eddie in the tank top!!! Buck with a clipboard!!!

“Hey are you sleeping or just pretending?” Buck is taking no prisoners today

Buck is trying to make sure he’s not having any symptoms, omg, seriously how do you not love this guy???? Eddie you better make an honest man out of him soon, I'm not sure how much longer I can take this

“You don’t give up, do you?” Oh Eddie you did not just say that, to Buck of all people, come on man (hello season 3 Eddie, my old friend)

Get him, Buck! Get him!

“Since when do you panic?” “That’s what I said, I don’t panic” Buck once again out there proving that he knows Eddie better than anyone else

Oh wow!!! Eddie came right out and said it “If I’m being honest with myself I think it was Ana”

And there it is folks “She’s been a constant through all of this, staying with Christopher”

“Somehow we became a ready made family and I don’t know if I’m ready for that” - wow, this is an excellent scene, he’s totally letting that wall down to talk candidly with Buck, nice - and him being stripped down to a tank top for this scene just reiterates that fact, he's baring some things

“I think I’m gonna stick it out. Ana’s the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon” - oh Eddie, you really need to shit or get off the pot my friend, this isn’t good for you, Christopher or Ana - how can you sentence all three of you to this? come on

“My kid loves her” but YOU DON'T - okay my heart is breaking, Eddie is making the same goddamn mistake all over again just like we predicted - Eddie please, what did Carla just say to you three episodes ago? Where the hell is Carla btw????

“Stick it out? That’s not the way you talk about someone you’re in love with” “That enough?” - thank you Buck, seriously THANK YOU

Okay my heart just broke again but for Buck this time “Eddie, I have been Ana” - aww =( I love my chaotic firefighter son with all of my heart

And of course Denial!Eddie aka repressed!Eddie are back, sigh - 5x03 has to be where it all comes to a head, it has to be, now even Buck is forcing him to face what he's trying so hard not to - word of advice Eddie, my repressed firefighter son, you can try to deny it mentally/emotionally all you want but it will come out one way or another, just like it's coming out in panic attack symptoms and anxiety - you have to end this, sweetie

And I think it’s very interesting that Eddie looks right at Buck during “If I’m being honest with myself” *looks away then right back at Buck* “I think it was Ana”, “staying with Christopher”, then right after “I don’t know if I’m ready for that”, “I think I’m gonna stick it out”, “Ana’s the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon” “My kid loves her”

OMG Eddie’s expression when Buck says “I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s not all the way in and deep down you know it and it hurts. It hurts worse than the truth” — RYAN WHERE IS YOUR GODDAMN EMMY??? If anyone ever doubted that Eddie was in love with Buck, there’s the freaking proof written all over Eddie’s face at Buck’s line!!! It’s not something he thinks he can have and it hurts

Okay seriously, Eddie saying “Ana’s the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with Shannon” — VERY PURPOSEFUL MENTION OF A WOMAN HE’S WANTED TO SPEND TIME WITH, EDDIE PLEASE, CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!!

Then they go right to Chim calling Maddie, uh huh, I see you 911

I really love Hen’s full support of Maddie btw & I love how Chim is able to talk to Hen about it all

Oh no!!! Maddie please don’t fall asleep!!!

Oh thank God!!!! It’s going to be okay, Maddie, you got her, it’s going to be okay - I seriously want to give my girl a hug and tell her it's going to be okay

Omg Jee-Yun is so cute!!!

Day 4 or day 5 hmmm - I'm still keeping track, Tim

“Why is it every time the world ends, it ends some more?” “It just keeps us on our toes” “More like knocks us on our asses” - Universe is that you?

Awww Bobby just called Athena “baby” <3 I'm not crying, you're crying

YES more Athena and Elaine

Lou is awake!!!!

Awww Lou =( I may or may not be ugly crying rn

I cannot tell you how relieved I am that Lou is alive

Oh God!!!! Athena get the cops there now!!!!

Yeah you should have let Harry charge them Michael lol, of course they were there to just use the generator power (though I love and appreciate the contrast they gave us in the neighbors who helped the boy with the ventilator so we know not all people take advantage)

OH NO GET AWAY FROM HARRY YOU BASTARD!!!!

On a side note, it’s nice to see more Michael and David but at what cost, Tim? Can we please get more of them and especially David in a more lighthearted episode for crying out loud? Is that too much to ask???

Go Bobby!!!!

Good for you, Athena!!!

Omg this is practically Athena’s nightmare come to life, shit

Omg Hudson unplugged the goddamn generator, THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

HARRY!!!!!!

I’M SORRY BUT ARE YOU TELLING ME THERE’S NO BOLO WITH A PICTURE ON THIS GUY?!!? - oh right, no power, but STILL

Okay that was super intense, I really hope Athena is the one to take Hudson down, just like Bobby said

I have a few more rewatches to do before breaking things down but damn, I think I need a drink after that one.

[shattered-catalyst]

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[jacfletch]

so idk if this is a silly question but I've been reading your fics (which are amazing btw) and I was wondering how do you see Jac's mental health? or how do you think Fletch sees it (ik he doesn't know enough to really know but he was there when she her anxiety attack)

thank you!

my very first instinct to this question is to say that i don’t think jac has a “diagnosable illness” like depression or anxiety. personally, i don’t think she displays any of the usual symptoms of either besides her one on screen panic attack, but having only one doesn’t justify a whole diagnosis imo. i think it’s possible that she has some kind of personality disorder but i only have about 2 semesters worth of psych classes under my belt and i’m really not comfortable throwing words around like i know what i’m talking about, so i won’t do that. 

that being said, 100% its possible to talk about mental health without putting a specific label on it. i’d say that jac has bad mental health, which i believe is due to her traumatic childhood (where she lacked the resources to learn things like emotional maturity (and just to be clear, i dont think she lacks maturity in general or that i think shes emotionally immature, just that she’s bad at identifying her emotions and expressing them in healthy ways) which isn’t to say that i think all kids with absent/neglectful/abusive parents and/or guardians are that way, but we have contextual evidence to support jac’s lack of emotional support from her guardians). i do think she has some symptoms that coincide with “diagnosable illnesses” like a lack of self worth & grandiosity, general mood swings, irritability, fear of abandonment, self destructive behavior, etc etc etc. a lot of things have gotten better over time (like, in earlier seasons she had wildly erratic behavior with little care as to how it affected her and the people around her, but now she has permanent relationships with emma, sacha, fletch, etc. and knows that if she’s doing something dangerous, that its not just her that deals with the consequences or even facing consequences at all.) 

speaking for jac as she is now in 2019, i think that lack of self worth combined with narcissism is her biggest struggle. Professionally, she believes that she’s the best that there ever was or will be, but personally, i don’t think she likes herself. for the past year or so, we’ve seen more as a patient than we have as a doctor, which has taken a massive toll on her. if she believes that her worth comes from her surgical skills, then removing herself from it will— and has— made her feel worse emotionally. we’ve seen a couple of scenes where she says she thinks that being a good doctor is all that she has and that if she can’t operate, then she’s worthless. she knows that shes a great doctor, which is where her narcissism comes in, but she also hates herself personally, which i think feeds into the narcissism as well. you ever heard that saying thats like “i think that i’m the worst, so i act like i’m the best”? That’s how i would describe her.

now, i’m having difficulty forming my thoughts into a concrete statement, but i think it’s possible that somewhere along the way growing up, she learned that being the best at academia and succeeding professionally made her worthy of love and would, eventually, result in people needing her, which is where i think her fear of abandonment comes in. her narcissism makes her hard to work with as a person, but she knows that she’ll never be “unworthy” of people’s time because she’s good at her job. yes, she’s mean and yes, she pushes people to their limit, but the hospital needs her because she’s the best that there is and, subsequently, she will never be abandoned by her job. she will always be jac naylor, M.D., and she thinks that she will always be at the top of her field, which is why when other people come in and challenge how good she is, she takes it to heart and acts irrationally in order to compete with them and show off her skills to prove that shes better than them.

right now, she’s in a weird place because she’s just gotten off her year long stint as a patient and now has/had frieda, zosia, and kian (i assume) coming in and telling her that she’s not as ahead of the game as she used to be, so i think she’s struggling

there are obviously other complexities at play here. she has a child and her fears of abandonment are both upscaled and downscaled. upscaled, because she worries that emma will love jonny & his new wife more than she loves her. downscaled because she intrinsically knows that emma will always love her and will, hopefully, never abandon her. she also has her relationship with sacha and though at first she pushed him away, he’s proven that her fear of him abandoning her is unfounded because she’s pulled some pretty wack shit while he’s been around and he’s still her best friend. and fletch, whom she pushes away because she’s afraid that she’ll ruin their relationship if they become romantic, and she doesn’t want to be left again. 

there are some other things i wanted to mention but i lost an entire train of thought, so unfortunately all i can say about that is that she pushes people away before they can push her away, like in the case of jonny and jasmine. you can’t get hurt if no ones around to hurt you lol. 

in regards to how fletch sees jac’s mental health, i think he sees her as a (forgive me for being corny) strong independent woman. he’s said that he’s seen her at her lowest and watched her pick herself up in ways he didn’t think was possible and put her life back together. he saw her panic attack and helped her through it. he also saw her recover after being shot and then recover after all of her subsequent surgeries. and i think he does know that jac puts on a brave face and acts like shes the best because she’s covering up her own insecurities, but hes not worried about her in the sense that he feels the need keep a watchful on her, but maybe he checks in with her every once in awhile to make sure she’s not in a bad place or just to be someone to lean on in case she needs it

[loxxxlay]

@wisdomandthesea replied to your post “General consensus seems to be that y’all hate major character death as...”

wait why do people hate major character death?

in retrospect, “hate” was probably the wrong word choice on my part. More just, I, and many others, get triggered or distressed reading it.

I can’t speak for others, but for me, it’s very specifically tied to mental illness. I have a pretty decent phobia about death/mortality in general. I think a lot of the time I’m only suicidal because I want my death to be under my control. It’s sometimes easier that way. When I’m not suicidal, I’m like... constantly hypersensitive to any change in my body (which has led to severe panic attacks recently) and I can get paralyzed with the idea that my loved ones (particularly my cat) will die before me (which manifests in fears of earthquakes, freak accidents, and weird shit like that). I spend hours in bed some days thinking about what I would do if an earthquake or a forest fire happened and how I would protect/evacuate my cat.

So because I’m super sensitive to any reminder of mortality (because it leads to ^ symptoms), I tend to avoid any major character death in fiction too. In movies, I’m a bit more flexible (unless it is animal harm or death or even distress). But in fic, when a huge part of my identity is reflected by my love for characters, I just cannot cope with a beloved character dying. It wrecks me.

In RL, I joke that Jacob and Esau say their Goodbyes by LadyCharity was the Inciting Incident of this aversion lol, but I think it was already there and I just didn’t realize it until I read a fic that was really good in which a character died (p.s. I’m not kidding btw, that fic is Really Good and I’m glad I read it and I will Rec it forever, but it’s not for my weak ass heart lol).

Anyway even though I can’t say for sure, I imagine that probably a lot of my reasoning is similar and not uncommon to other people. :)

[punkclowngod]

Punkclowngod (very nice name btw....)

The lego people form all. You are one of them. Your body is many of them. You think you're the one breathing? They move your lungs just as they beat your heart. You think you're the one thinking and judging these words you're reading? They whisper the thoughts into your head.

And the lego people in turn are made of lego people. It's lego people controlling lego people "all the way down" with no beginning and no end and you're sandwiched somewhere in between eternity and forever.

And you're not just one of the lego people, you're all of them. They are your mirror reflections scattered across spacetime. Your past, your future, and your potential.

The nature of reality is to ask what should be experienced within the void of nothing. That question is all there is.

"In the beginning there was the word."

Then when that question is asked, you ask what that question is. Then you ask what THAT new question is.

So we are constantly asking "what is this question? " when we look out at the world around us. The world is always tempting us to figure it out and to develop our own idea of it.

But the source of the world comes from the very first question: "what should exist in the void", or "what Am I" which in a way are the same questions if you're in a void with nothing but your self.

This recursive seeking creates the infinite YOUs that have been called lego people. They've been called elves and gnomes too. Sometimes people see them as repeated versions of their bodies.

As for the jester, I have less experience with him, though I believe he's an amalgamation of lego people just as everything else is. He's a higher order one. Sort of the mind and the hive of the hivemind. It's possible we each have a jester. It's also possible he's us before we jumped into this multiverse. Us before we asked the question "who am i in a void?", kicking off a Big Bang of self-recursive discovery. He seems to play a managing role, so i could see him as the us before this reality, conducting the lego people to form our experience.

He's trapped in the same loop of questioning that we are. His questions pertain to our entire reality and what happens when he moves it.

If it helps, you can see the lego people as embodiments of the question they are currently asking within spacetime, and how the answer of your current question looks when factoring their question into account.

this is very weird and funny. almost sent me in a psychotic episode but i’m too much of a dumbass to think. i don’t believe anything is that deep. what we are doesn’t matter, i’m just vibing, i don’t have to torment myself with questions lol. i am very confused as to what the purpose of this ask is, but tbh i think it’s funnier like this lmao.

i know ppl say that those who question everything are the smartest, but i actually think they’re the dumbest. all this doesn’t make me think about any questions, i’m just imagining little clown lego toys living in my body which is kinda cute and motivating to keep myself healthy and alive lol. but maybe that was the point? idk, i thinks it’s funny, but also i think it’s very inconsiderate to send this to people, especially openly mentally ill ppl, it’s kinda shitty actually. this could make someone fall into a psychotic episode, or give someone a panic attack, make someone dissociate, etc. i’ve talked a few times about experiencing psychosis as a symptom of my disorders, and this ask almost got me ngl, until i retreated myself and decided that i didn’t care.

so by sending this you didn’t make me think about anything, you just showed me you’re not careful about the safety of mentally ill ppl. the whole “who are we” “what is life” thing is very boring and repetitive and i don’t have much thought for it. i’m more concerned about the fact that you sent this without the thought that it could send me in a dangerous episode.

i don’t have a problem with people making posts like this, the issue is that you sent it to me, on my blog.

i have no idea what is expected from me in this ask lol so i’m just saying whatever comes to mind

[nazzzzzirah-blog]

suffering from anxiety.

real and personal.

hi it’s naz. this is my first written post here.

well, it’s been 2 years that i’ve been diagnosed with anxiety disorder but i’ve been having the symptoms since i was 13. i had ZERO knowledge about mental health until i’m 18. i thought people with mental health issues are just orang gila yang kena duduk hospital tanjung rambutan, yknow. but it’s totally not just that. mental health is more than that. it’s vast and unpredictable; made into a stigma and a myth by a lot of people in the world. we live in a society;)

the first person i’ve ever told about my disorder is my best friend, Natasha. well, she’s the only one who knows the MOST about my life and always there for me. i trust her the most out of everyone. now, some of my friends knows about this. but one of my best friend(internet best friend, precisely) do NOT know about this. well, we fought a lot and i never told him about this because i don’t want him to see it as me blaming my behavior fully on my mental health. *sigh* he’s so close to me but most of the time, it’s like he can never understand me:/ but that’s another story.

when i was diagnosed, i just knew that i don’t act a certain way because of nothing. i react differently. i knew that my sleepless nights, wandering the corridors of my dormitory is not me being weird. i knew that when my voice were shaky when i have to talk to people, is not me being afraid of them. i knew that every awful and suicidal thoughts i’ve had in my head, is not because i’m trying so hard to be emo. i knew why sometimes so suddenly; my heart would beat so fast, my hands shaky, my feet turned cold and breathing becomes voluntary(btw the term is panic attack. people with severe anxiety disorder get that A LOT). i have anxiety for fuck’s sake.

people can’t see that. i didn’t see that. all of us are just a bunch of ignorant people who knows nothing about mental health and how to deal with people who have that issue. it’s just sad and disappointing.

WELL, there is actually a lot to say about this and i wanna share everything about my experience here. i’ll continue this post by part. stay tuned for the life of the miserable nazirah:)

[lokgifsandmusings]

You've talked about having anxiety before. Do you have any tips on how to cope that actually work?

I do, I actually do! I wrote about it a bit in my “Korra Alone” meta, but very happy to reiterate and add some more to it. Just as a note, this is what works for me, and where I’ve landed having made it to 25 before I realizing I had anxiety, and now being 3 years down the road of that process. This is uh…going to be long. 

I have both general anxiety, and a very specific anxiety related to driving cars thanks to an [admittedly mild] traumatic event where I ended up stranding myself in the middle of one of the worst cities in the country because I was having a panic attack (and ended up needing my friends to bail me out of that). My general anxiety also comes hand-in-hand with intrusive thoughts (a manifestation of some OCD), so usually when I get anxious, I get these intrusive thoughts (usually quite dark ones), and in turn those thoughts make me more anxious. This is certainly not how anxiety will present in everyone.

Similarly, my panic attacks involve a tightness in the throat, a drier mouth, and a racing heart. Some people get different symptoms. However what it does is that if I experience these symptoms outside of the context of a panic attack (let’s say I ate some really salty pizza or something), I might whip myself up into a panic attack for thinking I’m having one.

The thing about anxiety is that once you get into a cycle of having anxiety and panic attacks, it begets more anxiety. Anxiety about having *future* anxiety. Which is actually what anxiety is. You don’t like feeling like that, so you worry about feeling like that, and then start to feel like that. It’s for that reason that anxiety can kind of be thought of as a verb. You’re anxietying, but it doesn’t mean you’re this stupid moron who’s letting your head “get the better of you.” It means you’re conditioned to trigger a flight-or-fright mode in the body.

That’s probably the piece of coping that’s helped me understand the most: what is anxiety and what does it do? Why do you have it at all?

Well…as backwards as it seems, since you feel like shit, can’t do anything, and may have overly morbid racing thoughts, it’s your brain’s way of protecting you. Your response to a scary stimuli, whatever it may be and why-ever you find it unsettling, is to THINK.

Anxiety’s function is to stop you in your tracks, so that you can assess EVERY DETAIL and accurately understand the risk to your person. Some people jump into a fighty-mode, some people are more avoidant (there’s also no absolute scale here and you can have all of these reactions at times, btw), but the experience of anxietying is to make you stop functioning, essentially, and consider everything.

Why can’t you get out of your head? Why can’t your brain shut up? Because instinctively, your body wants you to listen to your brain.

Now…we’re not living in situations where there’s predators charging to get us, and more likely than not your anxiety isn’t related to an immediate, physical danger. So this flight-or-fright mode that you get stuck in isn’t super helpful, right? You want to stop having it as a response, and for it to go away.

Well, the thing is, fighting it only makes it worse. It makes you angry with yourself for not being able to “knock it out”, and overall it makes you more anxious about feeling anxious because you *can’t* snap it away. It’s like the devil’s snare in Harry Potter. So what’s the solution?

1. You learn to recognize it.

It doesn’t mean you ever *like* it, it doesn’t mean you ever *prefer* it, but you just learn to have an awareness that this is what you’re experiencing. It becomes something like, “huh, I’m hungry.” “Huh, I’m anxietying.” It’s okay. It won’t hurt you, and it’s your body thinking you need protection.

2. You learn to sit next to it.

Once you can recognize what it is, you can kind of hang out with it. I know this sounds funky, but think of it outside of you. One trick is to interview it, believe it or not. “Hi, Kylie’s anxiety. What is making you feel powerful today?” It feels silly at first, but…it’s just this weird thing hanging out with you. You are not your anxiety, but your anxiety is not your enemy, either.

I’ve said it before, but I’ve come to look at my anxiety/intrusive thoughts as a very badly behaved cat. The cat is weirdly trying to protect me, and truly thinks this is what will help keep me safe, but well…it’s an idiot:

However, it’s MY dumb cat, and don’t you dare tell me I should get rid of her. This fucking moron of a creature is why I’m me. She helped me survive more chaotic forces in my life, and even if she’s a bit over-the-top with her reactions now, she’s doing her best.

If I feel anxious at work, I picture her swatting my pen cup off the desk. If I’m in my car, she’s chewing on my gear shift. And…she’ll go to sleep too, eventually. She always does.

3. You learn to lean into it.

This is the hardest aspect, but there’s first awareness of what you’re experiencing, there’s acceptance that…you will experience it and it’s okay, and finally, there’s the removal of fear of experiencing it.

Don’t get me wrong: anxiety is not *pleasant* to experience, just like extreme hunger. But there’s a point in moving closer to it. That physical feeling you hate? Think about it, sit with it, consider it; is it *that* bad? It’s not nice, okay, but what’s truly going to happen?

This is…exposure therapy in a way. And it’s certainly not something you have to do every time you feel anxious, especially if you’re trying to be productive. But a good introduction into it is to play the “why” game.

“I’m scared I’m going to have a panic attack in the car.” “Why?” “Because I’m scared I will get myself stranded again.” “Why?” “Because I’m scared I won’t have my friends to come pick me up this time.” “Why?” “Because something could happen to me if I’m stuck.” And so, and so, and so. Usually your answers will get a little more and more ridiculous, since you’re worrying about scenarios that just…aren’t going to happen.

But this also helps you figure out scenarios to mitigate. If I’m going on a long car ride, I like to talk to friends and family ahead of time and let them know, so if I panic on the side of the road, I know what phone call I can make if I have to. Sometimes I’ll chat with someone for the whole two hours I’m driving (thanks, Julia). Sometimes I purposely won’t tell anyone I’m going so I can feel like a badass for managing it (for very large definitions of “badass”). You just can’t see those pathways to help if you don’t have the ability to sit with your anxiety long enough to find the roots.

Alrighty, all that said, also try the following (while keeping in mind that “yes, this is what I’m feeling, and it’s OKAY”):

Change your body energy! Your brain is getting stuck in a certain mode, so move around and do something else. If you have anxiety about not being able to fall asleep on a Sunday night (if I had a dollar for every time this happened…), fucking get out of bed! Go sit on your couch and be like “I’m just going to pull an all-nighter, whatever.” Then find yourself a book, and you’re going to fall asleep over it. Do jumping-jacks. Literally anything to change up the energy flow.

Focus on something mundane or weird. If I have trouble sleeping, I try and list as many episode names to shows I like as possible. Bonus points if it’s in order! Don’t make yourself plunge on through. You can stop the task you’re doing and find a different way to shake your brain.

Ground your senses. This is a trick for PTSD too, but anxiety snaps your brain into a heightened state in a similar way. Look around and name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you smell, 2 things you feel, 1 thing you taste. Rinse and repeat.

Tell someone who you trust with this that you’re experiencing anxiety. You’re not alone, and just having that validation/lifeline can help.

Do not take your pulse. Just…there’s no reason. Yeah, your heart rate will be elevated. The physical symptoms you have are very, very real, but physiologically, they will *have* to dissipate. This is a survival mechanism. You will be fine.

Find a calming mantra or song. There’s a reason Rebecca Sugar wrote “Here Comes A Thought” like she did. On exhale, “it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.” The stuff that works best for *me* are very repetitive, chiller beats. My go-to? “Wa-Do-Dem” by Eek a Mouse (or that whole album, honestly).

Hopefully this helps? I’m still figuring it all out, of course, and learning how to cope/understand isn’t this clear, linear thing. But you’ve got it. It’s just a stupid cat.