#mine give me vertigo lmao

[dont-lick-my-foot]

no because why did my brain do this

[lesbiancolumbo]

sending this on anon because i'm a bit embarrassed by it but thank you so much for introducing me to old movies, espec. the black and white films but old films in gen. (though i use this term lightly lmao). it's really helped me connect with my grandma- she didn't get to go to a lot of theaters when she was younger but later one when she worked she'd always spend her pocket money going to the movies. she also checked out a few plays apparently!! nothing that got big though LOL + she can't (1/2)

this message kind of hit me where i lived a little, anon, because i don’t know if you know this, but basically the entire reason i started watching more older, “classic” cinema was so i could bond more with MY grandma. my grandma was my best friend and my favorite person and growing up my parents did not give a shit about my relationship with media at all (like, they never showed me anything or talked about their favorite movies/tv shows at all) and that was fine, i devoured all 40 of the dvds in my small town’s library collection, but my grandma always took me to movies growing up. always.

and that never stopped when i stopped being her little baby, so in early 2012 we realized we were both interested in seeing the artist (and to this day i will defend it with my last breath and bite people who try to tell me it’s bad) and reader, we both loved it. oh my god, she would not stop talking about jean dujardin like for real, it was so cute. she kept saying he was like cary grant and i was thinking like idk who that is but yeah! and it was on that day that she realized she wanted to share more of these experiences with me, so every few weeks we would get together and i’d watch a “grandma movie” (her words) and she’d watch a “sydney movie” (admittedly some really stupid stuff but not once did she ever make me feel like what i’d picked was stupid - she always found something compelling about whatever i made her watch) and we did that for months. we watched stuff like vertigo (we both hate it ❤️), she showed me cary grant (love), we saw the apartment together (LOVE ❤️). and more.

anyways she passed away of cancer within the year, and we never got even remotely far enough into this project because she got so sick, but it had a huge impact on me and i think as i got older and went to college a big part of what made me start really turning to classic cinema was that i just wanted to keep her alive, i guess. she loved doris day, she loved rogers and astaire, she told me how sexy the from here to eternity beach scene is (grandma - you are RIGHT!!!!). we never got to watch citizen kane together, but i saw it in college for her. burt lancaster was for her. the musicals and grand romances were for her. rock hudson and cary grant and tony curtis were for her. (the noir is just for me - she hated them, thought they were depressing, but they’re sexy i can’t help it). this is a true story - before she died she told me to stop worrying about her so much because when she went to heaven she had cary grant and burt lancaster to keep her company until i could get there, so when i log on to this hellsite and objectify mr. lancAsster it is only because she raised me.

this turned into a whole post about MY grandma but anon, i think you are wonderful and a good grandchild, and to please hug her for me when you are able to. i’m also jealous that you watch columbo with her - i think mine used to watch him too but we never got the chance to talk about him when she was alive, sorry grandma :-(

keep me posted on what you guys watch if you want to (and my box is always open for recs and such) and i’ll be thinking of you both ❤️❤️❤️

[marscats37]

ranking the tma entities.

I wanted to examen the entities on the magnus archives and rank them based on how scary I found them, or how much they “get to me.” 

None of the low rankings are at the fault of the creators, it’s all my personal opinion and obviously what I was scared of or fascinated with before the podcast is what’s impacting my opinion. We’re all gonna have different opinions on this, and if you listen to the magnus archives, I’m so curious on which ones are your favorite.

To keep this fun, I’ll also list my favorite statement related to each entity. Also, I’m sorry, but I won’t include extinction on this ranking. It’s not really touched on until the end and I don’t have a solid enough opinion on that one.

We’re starting at the bottom.

14. The Hunt - I mean, the hunt is cool, but like canon says, it’s hard to relate to this one due to the fear of being hunted not amongst most people. I don’t have a strong enough opinion on this one to really give it any chance to be higher on the list. I’ll give credit to it being the entity for some of the coolest characters (Daisy, Trevor, the Montauks) 

Favorite Episode - 109 / Nightfall. Despite the low ranking of the hunt, I really love the montauk storyline, and it’s exciting to see julia and trevor team up

13. The Desolation - This one only ranks slightly higher because burning is the given for most painful way to go, but this one doesn’t get to me. It’s just, mean. Maybe if I worried about losing the things and people I love, but it’s not something I think about. 

Favorite Episode - 067 / Burning Desire. Not a scary episode, but I have a soft spot for Agnes, she comes across as a tragic character. I’m also biased because I associate this episode with a good atmosphere I was in when listening to it for the first time.

12. The Slaughter - I think I feel similar to the hunt as I do this one. It’s cool, but I don’t have a fear of violence. Plus, the slaughter is often associated with war, and I've never been a fan of war imagery. 

Favorite Episode - 042 / Grifter’s Bone. This is proof that I’m not put off by slaughter - related statements in general, because I freaking love this episode. 

11. The Web - Ranking this one so low may be unpopular since a lot of people seem to love this one, but it doesn’t get to me ! I’m not scared of spiders and to the metaphorical sense, not scared of manipulation or control. I dislike it as much as the next, but doesn’t hold a true space in my nerves. 

Favorite Episode - 081 / A Guest For Mr. Spider. I’m hard on the web, but there actually have been some spooky statements, especially the ones involving cocoons. But this episode is a special kind of creepy, and statement aside, showed us an even more vulnerable jon, which I loved.

10. The End - I think the statements that revolve around not being able to die are actually scarier than the ones about death itself, but I think I just have that natural fear of death, I think this is really just another neutral fear for me. I don’t really have much to add.

Favorite Episode - 121 / Far Away. Not a scary episode, but I really enjoy Oliver Banks, I love his statement, and you know, it was interesting to see him visit Jon. 

9. The Corruption - It doesn’t seem fair to rank this one so low, corruption is so cool and creepy ! But I kind of got over my fear of bugs and gross stuff (with the exception of roaches. I still scream at the sight of roaches.) so these episodes just mostly serve as really good visuals. I will emphasize that I really love the corruption, I just simply love the other ones more. 

Favorite Episode - 032 / Hive. The Flesh hive is my favorite aspect of corruption, and I really loved getting Jane’s side of the situation (sort of.) Plus, trypophobia is actually really unnerving. I just googled the word to make sure I spelt it right and now I have goosebumps. eeeesh... 

8. The Spiral - To be honest, these episodes aren’t super intense, I don’t have a fear of going mad. It’s ranked high enough because of how much I love the distortion. I’m giving the creators’ credit for this one, the distortion is really the only reason the spiral has any impact on me.

Favorite Episode - 101/ Another Twist - see above.

7. The Buried - Now we’re getting to my fears. I got claustrophobia, babey ! Also I have asthma so the feeling of not being able to breath is a familiar one lmao. 

Favorite Episode - 015 / Lost Johns’ Cave - I think this is a popular one amongst the fans. It’s such a good episode and I think about it a lot still. 

6. The Eye - If we’re getting personal, I’m a private and paranoid person. So naturally this one is a bigger fear of mine. If I really think about it, I can scare myself over intense eye contact too. In a visual sense, I have a bias towards eye imagery. 

Favorite Episode - 120 / Eye Contact. this is hard to answer, there aren’t many eye-centric episodes, although technically every episode involved the eye. But I like the references in this episode, and story-wise, the finale of season 3 is my favorite. 

5. The Vast - It’s not fair to rank the vast higher than the buried, since I’m more scared of the latter, but the vast is just so fascinating to me. The only negative part is that I get vertigo, but I find the empty cosmos and the large ocean almost comforting. Idk, I like this one ! 

Favorite Episode - 051 / High Pressure. I just think this a neat statement ! I also like how being underwater does had an element of the buried, so best of both worlds.

4. The Lonely - I feel.. conflicted on ranking this one so high. On one hand, it’s not that scary, it’s just the fear of being alone, but on the other hadn't, when the statements hit me, they hit me the most. I love isolation and being alone, but these episodes make me feel like I’m only conditioned to love those things due to them being my comfort. 

Favorite Episode - 170 / Recollection. This episode made me cry. I know it’s centered around Martin, but I also found myself relating to it too. Also, I love Martin.

3. The Dark - I can stand being in total darkness, unless I think about it long enough. I think that goes for many, but I still think about the dream where I saw a completely black patch growing on my ceiling and I actually screamed myself awake. I don’t recall another time I’ve had a scream-induced nightmare like that. Especially at my old age. I also think the creators do a good job making this one scary. I remember one Q & A where the writer said this was the hardest entity to write for. 

Favorite Episode - 086 / Tucked In. By the way, I had that nightmare months before I heard this episode. This statement naturally stuck with me due to the familiarity.

2. The Stranger - Another popular entity, and rightfully so, the stranger has so many opportunities to be scary !! No wonder two of the season finales involve this one. I don’t think I can add much to it that’s not a given, I love how creative these statements can be. We have the “not them” we have nikola, the angler fish, etc. 

Favorite Episode - 034 / Anatomy Class. I mean, as good as many of the stranger episodes are, this is my all-time favorite statement. The students are like an innocent form of uncanny and the professor’s fear is really felt. 

1. The Flesh - if you follow my twitter, you might have expected this one. The visuals are so gross and interesting, I’m biased towards body horror. I even like the meat statements, I was surprised there were so many of them when I listened to the podcast for the first time (and tbh it’s helping me towards my path of not eating meat lol)  I don’t have deeper reasoning for making this one my favorite, I just think it’s neat (and gross.)

Favorite Episode - 171 / The Gardener. Yes, the newest episode to the date of me making this post. So far season five has been really exciting and I love the format it takes. But oh my god guys, the visuals for this one ?!?! The metaphors of negative body obsessions to something so grotesque yet fascinating to imagine. It’s not an episode I can listen to over and over (remember, this is a horror podcast and my nerves need a break) but it’s one that I’ll remember. It’s right up my alley in terms of horror content. 

ANYWAY. This is not a final list, Most of the episodes I’ve only listened to once so I’m sure if I had a chance to revisit more of them I’ll change my mind on rankings and favorites. I genuinely like how everything is categorized, but these are based on my preexisting fears and fascinations, as mentioned above. The statements in the podcast only amplify them. so yeah, this list is very subject to change. 

[nicoalkaysani]

1,7,13,16,18,38,83,88,100

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thanks for the hug and validation yesterday btw i needed it again today and going back and seeing it was, like, Good

1. The meaning behind my url: MERTHUR prat= Arthur and his= bc they’re married lionheart= Merlin! I’ve been itching to change my url for a while but I’m just so attached to this one and I honestly don’t know which of my dozens of saved urls to use lmao

7. Biggest turn offs: tbh in this country it’s almost impossible to find people who have similar ideals to mine, so that! My mind is going blank after that tho

13. Life goal: to finish learning portuguese and german! and to move out of my parents house! to finish a degree! and onto less depressingly common goals... I’d love to live in either England or the Netherlands, most specifically Amsterdam

16. Favourite movie: Les Misérables (2012), The Emperor’s New Groove which is one of very few movies that I prefer to watch dubbed bc it’s funnier in Spanish tbqh, The Lion King, Brave (my brother just told me this movie reminds them of me aww) i can’t jUST PICK ONE

18. Phobia: cockroaches. I generally don’t even write the name, that’s how much they upset me. I’ve had panic attacks bc of them and if I’ve seen one in my room and I couldn’t kill it, I can’t sleep. Only in the last five or so years I’ve developed some kind of vertigo like fear to heights. Going to Abasto Mall is kind of hard if I have to walk on the balcony side lol also any and all social interaction, but that’s the anxiety lmao

38. Have you ever stolen money from a friend? Nope, but I used to steal coins from my parents when I was really little!

83. Have you ever glued your hand to something? Does it count if I did that thing where I glued my fingers together? Mostly so I can spend hours peeling off the glue from them when I unstick them

88. Have you ever brushed your teeth? Every day! For a few months last year I was so depressed it was difficult to remember to do it and some days I didn’t, but I’m not bad to that point again and I hate that an-animal-just-died-in-your-mouth taste lol

100. Give us one thing about you that no one knows. This is hard because I’m generally a really open person and, as you see, I don’t have much trouble talking about myself and oversharing. Mmmm, I don’t know if it counts bc I published a fic here many years ago and also a few poems, but I used to write a lot? To the point that I wanted to be a writer. I still write down little poems if they come to me and I have a Harry Potter fic saved somewhere I haven’t published and I think two fics I put up in ff.net, dunno if that counts as something that no one knows though!

[raccooncityaliens]

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you finish tag 5 people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

Tagged by @soundlessrooms!

1: Are you named after someone? Actually no I think? My grandmother shares my deadname but apparently that wasn’t the reason for it.

2: When was the last time you cried? I don’t remember if I cried today but yesterday YEs.

3: Do you like your handwriting? Actually yes. Not the prettiest but it’s unique to me.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? Lunch....meat? Ah okay, googled that. Most of air dried ones. Jamon Serrano takes the crown. And smoked stuff. Horse and reindeer are the best but pretty expensive.

5: Do you have kids? Nope, and probably will never have whether I want or not.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? If I was a similar person in case of values and crap then yeah, probably.

7: Do you use sarcasm? Very rarely and very obviously.

8: Do you still have your tonsils? Yup.

9: Would you bungee jump? Absolutely not. Just looking at that gives me that fear of heights vertigo.

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? Umm recently that Lidl ripoff from the kellogs tiger cereals. Also the ~~fitness cereal~~ things that have yogurt covered things are pretty nice! Have almost exactly the same amount of calories so lmao.

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Depends on shoes, some I just can’t get off without untying.

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? Strong but fragile.

13: What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Ummm normally like vanilla, mango, something...... Salmiakki too. With Ben and Jerry’s I pretty much love everything else but cookie dough.

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? The energy/vibe they give off. Hair, clothing etc. style. How they move and talk. Stuff like that.

15: Red or pink? Red usually.

16: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? So thing I like but is at the bottom of my list?? Uhhh maybe my legs.

17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? Black jeans, no shoes.

18: What was the last thing you ate? Liquorice.......... why 19: What are you listening to right now? 90′s grunge and alternative playlist

20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple?

21: Favorite smell? My partner’s smell. Some incense, like cinnamon and myrrh. Summer evening after rain. Lavender. Onion and garlic cooking in olive oil! Books in general. Wet dog, a bit weirdly, but hey associations.

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Umm either sis or the crisis center person.

23: Favorite sport to watch? FIGURE SKATING. Dance, different types. Gymnastics. Things that require strength, skill, and grace, smoothness.

24: Hair color? Currently pretty much black.

25: Eye color? Amber.

26: Do you wear contacts? Colored, but very rarely.

27: Favorite food to eat? Varies a lot. I just love pasta, parmesan, broccoli etc random things. Basmati rice. Cooked carrots, sweet corn. Well made fresh sushi is gr8. Tortilla wraps/burritos. Bunch of

28: Scary movies or comedy? I’m much pickier with comedy, so horror I guess.

29: Last movie you watched? STAR WARS EPISODE 1 that was painfully long and weirdly paced and dfuakshlagksjaf jar jar binks

30: What colour of shirt are you wearing? Uhh, black white and grey.

31: Summer or winter? Summer.

32: Hugs or kisses? Preference for hugs.

33: What book are you currently reading? I’m not even going to try to answer

34: Who do you miss right now? Sis, my previous psychologist

35: What is on your mouse pad? I haven’t found mine, but it had that famous Japanese work of the waves..... the material was pretty crappy tho

36: What is the last TV program you watched? Twin Peaks

37: What is the best sound? My partner’s sleep breathing when it sounds normal, peaceful and effortless.

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Blaaaaaaag

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Japan

40: Do you have a special talent? Ability to do magic? I’m an empath too.

41: Where were you born? Lappeenranta

42: People you expect to participate in this survey? Do if you want

[youarenotwelcomedhere]

Day 3: A great day // 10.20.18 0055

Today was a LONG day, but it felt like a good day. Initially, was supposed to come in from 1500-2330, but there was a skills competency day for the nurses, and my preceptor asked me if I wanted to go. I agreed since I thought I would learn a lot, and I did. It was from 1130-1500. 3-4 hours. So, total I was at the hospital for like 12 hours. 

Training: It was really helpful. We learned splinting, heparin/insulin drips, sepsis protocol (case studies), NIHSS stroke scale, and code/rapid response charting. It was all informative for me, but for the nurses, it was a snooze fest. My fave was the case study for sepsis because it helped make it seem real, and for me to practice identifying sepsis risk and what to do. I learned a lot from that.

It was actually OK, there were times when I yawned, but it was busy so I kept moving. I didn’t get in the IVs I tried today, but I felt like their veins were especially hard to stick, so I didn’t feel TOO bad about it. 

There were a lot of patients today, and I honestly don’t even remember like 1/2 of them. But I’ll give you the highlights: 

Weed girl: She was a girl in her 20s, room reeked of weed, and she came in for N/V after eating a steak. Me and my nurse was in there while the doctor assessed her. The girl was really wanting to know why this was happening to her, and the doctor was like, “well, do you take any substances?” lolol and the girl literally was like “well sometimes”, when obviously the room smelled like weed. Anywho, I got the chance to discharge her. I was nervous about it, since I think she was the first one I d/ced. I was always nervous about discharging patients since you have to do teaching, and I’m scared they’ll ask me something I don’t know. But it turned out OK, and I was proud of myself for that. 

Car accident guy: This guy got rear ended and had some neck sprain. I went in, and my nurse was just like go ahead, assess him. And I was like shit I don’t know what to do LOL. So I just asked him what happened, and if he was feeling pain now, is it radiating anywhere, pain level, etc. Then, I checked his pupils (which I’m not sure if that was right to do). I felt like the patient laughed because I was a little girl, but whatever, it didn’t phase me. My nurse jumped in and was like “with these situations, we usually ask if police was called, etc. etc. and if ETOH was involved”. And I felt hella dumb. But whatever lol. I got to d/c him and it was great. LOL. 

Meth User: This guy came in with vertigo and used meth a week ago. He was complaining about the Kaiser nurses because he was hospitalized for like 8 days for vertigo...and he had phlebitis on his arm. He couldn’t even stand up..and walk. When he was being discharged, he went up to the nurse’s station with his friend, and he was HIGH AF. He was so happy, and it was hella annoying because you know he high AF. My nurse was just like whatever he needs to go. He was like tryna get her # or something. Ugh so weird. He was clearly not really fine, but he just wanted to leave, so he should just leave. LOL. 

Drunk 76 yo: This guy was brought in by ambulance, and he was found in the bushes at a park drunk AF, and literally had a tequila/vodka bottle next to him. He was reported missing apparently. He literally just came in and was metabolizing to function. He was knocked the ef out. Ate a sandwich once, and knock the ef up. He even had neurogenic bladder, which we cathed him for (another nurse did it), but yeah...he just slept the whole time. Then at the end when he was gonna get discharged, he fell......here we go. Even though the wife was right there, she just let him fall....and the wife was trying to go home so she kept asking if he can stay the night in the ED. While there are many other patients trying to be seen.....DOT DOT DOT.

94 yo w/ suspected sepsis (I messed up): There was a darling little old lady, who had a birthday one day before mine! She had a peridot birthstone ring on her finger. So cute. She came in with abdominal pain, had diarrhea or something like that and wasn’t eating. She was a sepsis alert, but was caught later on. We also got flu test on her (the nasal ones), and I freaking messed up. So you know how you snap it open at the top of the q-tip after you obtained the specimen. I snapped it too hard and the whole q-tip fell on the damn floor. I was freaking out. And I just went to my nurse, that left the room, and I was like uh it just fell on the floor. I could tell she wasn’t happy, but she was like it’s okay whatever. I think at the time, there was other stuff going on. But anyways, she said she knew it would be (-) anyway, so it wouldn’t matter. Thank God...I freaking messed up....I hate that feeling. 

Other highlights: I got to see a cardioversion!! 

This lady that was being cardioverted wasn’t my patient, but I got to see the whole thing and actually had small talk with her before the actual procedure. She was super talkative, and her husband was there in the room as well. The new traveler nurse had her, so I talked to him too, and he was teaching me things about cardioversion, etc. The doctor was also super welcoming. Anyways, this patient was so nice and funny. She talked about how her husband had 3 cancers, but girl......he looked fine. LOL. He was a good looking old man. He look like he didn’t go through none of that, looked strong & healthy. Then, she asked me questions like, why I wanted to be a nurse, my program, etc. She talked about her sister being a midwife. She talked about how her and her husband met LOL. And how he bumped into her at skating for 2 weeks. And I kept telling her, he was purposely trying to bump into her :) it was the cutest story. And then she was like, “I’m always there when he does his procedures, and I always tell him, if you’re gonna die, i’m gonna kill you” and I was like wow that’s what I say to Arthur. LOL. She’s like “imagine 55 years together” LOL. She’s so cute. The cardioversion was cool, she shook, and later started twitching from after effects of the sedation. They had the ETCO2 on her, and normal was 35-45 (just a note for myself) lmao. By the end of it, she hugged all of us. She hugged this nurse, me, and then the traveler nurse :) it was the cutest thing ever......I never got a hug from a patient and it was nice :) Probably made my night, talking to her. It didn’t feel awkward, and it felt warm. Makes me feel glad of why I’m doing this whole thing...:) 

Flight pilot: So there’s a guy named Richard at the hospital that does finance or something like that. He registers patients, basically. He’s puerto rican and super talkative. I was on my 2nd break, and he came in for his break as well. He started asking me about nursing and what field I want to get into. Then, he started talking about all these things he does - went to aviation school, guitar, singing, etc...It was cool, he started talking about flying and his experiences and how it’s hella scary when you don’t know where you’re going LOL. It was nice, because I felt like someone was talking to me, and I didn’t feel as out of place. 

OH & Also at dinner, this other staff (unit coordinator, Margaret) started talking to me about school and how she’s in an accelerated Master’s program. It was just nice that people were talking to me and welcoming honestly. And the warm smiles from different nurses was just nice and welcoming. There was also a nurse that went to SMU that took after our patients when we ended our shift. She was SO nice and warm. I wanted to follow her, but hell no am I gonna stay for another 4 hours...LOL. There was also another nurse, I believe her name is Dawn, but she was SUPER nice as well. She’s really open and encouraging. She was near us, and I was in her way, so I said sorry. She was like “oh no honey don’t say sorry there’s just not enough places to stand” “don’t apologize too much in your career”. And i’m like yeah that’s so true, I apologize way too much. And she was like yeah stop it LOL. And I appreciated that, because yes, I don’t have to say sorry for every little thing. I just always do!! I need to get out of that habit!!! UGH. Anyways, today was a good day overall. 

[aquarianlights]

Hey Killian, it’s been a good minute huh? That one strangers back from a long stay in an institution. I’m sorry for not being around to give you the kind words I wanted to. You’re a beautiful man my dear. I love that you can go into long flowing monologues over the littlest things. The way you put words together is unlike anybody I’ve met before. Keep being you, my dear Killian. You’re stronger than you know and I believe you can be anything you want. You can do it!

It’s okay. You need to take care of yourself, too, okay? I’m going through a major, major rough patch in my life and honestly the only place I can vent is on a completely anonymous site where no one can find me. It’s the one and only place I keep anonymity. Which is very weird. I mean, I’m transparent about who I am and everything but the site is so... small and unknown that no one would ever trace me back to anything like the normal social media sites. It’s unreal. I’ve used it a lot in the past, but I was never really, er... anonymous on it. I stretch the truth a bit on there to make me feel more comfortable. Nothing about my life. Everything about my life on there is true. More-so facts about me. For instance, I don’t disclose my transgender status and pass myself off as cisgender very blatantly. Little things about myself like that that would make a reader NOT connect it to ME. Lies about Killian not being my first name. Lies about my initials. As my initials are KQR. Stuff like that so if someone WERE to find me outside of that site, they wouldn’t so much be able to connect the dots unless they were to find this answer right here, which is highly unlikely. But honestly... if it does come to light, I wouldn’t be that upset about it. Because the lies aren’t big and it’s not like I’m forming friendships or bonds with anyone there. And no one looks up to me or forms bonds with me like they do on social media. It’s more of a ....follow my journal entries and send me messages if you want. I can make certain entries private if I want. Blah blah blah. Like. I don’t make anything private, obviously. Anyone who knows me would know that. In fact, anyone who knew me WAY back in the day would actually know what site I’m talking about and yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re thinking about a certain site that I used to be very popular on a long time ago anonymously in the top most popular diaries/journals section for... gosh, months, years? I don’t even know. But if you’re thinking of it, you’re right and yes I’m back there and yes feel free to go find me. I’m p easy to find if you know what to look for. My entries are all true to my life so if you know what site I’m talking about, then you’d be p intimately involved in my life in some way (or... a stalker of some sort LOL) so you’d instantly be able to read even ONE of my entries and know it was mine either from my writing style or from the content of my life that I write about.

I mean, I’m definitely not suppressing emotions like I used to. That’s stupid and immature and the most childish thing anyone can do. Like, no, I’m not a fucking teenager. I’m 26. I’m not suppressing anything. I express my emotions freely and let them flow however and whenever I want or need them to in whatever way I desire wherever I desire. But it’s also nice to have a place where I can be completely anonymous to every single goddamn person on that site and just... be able to vent nonstop and not bother anyone because of my chronic pain issues and the psych issues that come with having severe chronic pain and the stress that goes along with my life and my majors in my two schools. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s been scientifically proven that bitching and whining and being loud and noisy about your issues when they’re severe and interfering with your daily life can help... but it has ALWAYS helped me. ESPECIALLY when they’re physical. I feel like that’d be a neuroscientific view of triggering the active distraction mode versus the passive distraction mode in your brain when you literally cannot do anything because of the physical pain and there are no pills or IM or IV meds to help anymore and all the physical therapy, electrode therapy, gels, creams, patches, and anything else will not help. The only thing left is a neurologist... and for that, I have to wait for my insurance to transfer. Sigh. LONG fucking wait and who knows if it even will, tbh. Fuck the government. Fuck america.

Anyways... I’m just having a really rough time because that’s the biggest issue right now and that’s just overshadowing all the other “major” issues which would be like... the major issues in a normal person’s life that would p much shut down even the most neurotypical of people, but I seem to be handling it like a boss. So idk. I’m a fucking demi-god, though, so that’s why probably. Pfft.

I cannot even BEGIN to list the amount of adulting things I am doing on the daily that people are not even slightly seeing because it’s all overshadowed by the fact I need really long breaks and need to be laying down a lot because of the fact I now have the prodromal symptoms to scoliosis and need an MRI stat. So that would just be fucking FANTASTIC to add on top of fibro and ehlers danlos. Fucking shoot me, tbh. I’d take death over this chronic pain any day. ANY DAY.

The pain is so bad that I’d take all the years of suicidal MDD where I was attempting suicide every other day and slicing myself to shreds all the time, barely existing as just a pile of apathy and lethargy, unable to even function as a normal human being coz I was too busy trying to die all the time and fighting with all the people who were forcing me to stay alive.

I literally stabbed myself with a pen just to try to take my mind off of chronic pain and see if acute pain would make it better. Wanted to stab myself with a steak knife but couldn’t do it... coz my A&P classes have me freaked out I might hit something... ugh. And I begged my roommates to hit me over the head with heavy objects or punch me as hard as they could in the temple or strangle me or rip a chunk of my hair out or stab me for me or ANYTHING that would cause major acute injury/pain. They wouldn’t do it. And the pen stab felt like a mosquito bite for about 2 seconds. And all my very serious migraines that impair me to the point of being unable to function at all just feel like pressure now. My joint and muscle pain from fibro and ehlers danlos... are practically gone because of how bad my spinal pain is. And when they examined it, sure enough, ligaments were out of place and either popped out or inflamed...very badly. And the lumbar region ... that part of the spine was just... too far down. It was reaching way too far down into me and sharply pressing onto or into something. And it’s twisted. The wrong way. And it’s fucking agonizing. Thank fuck the doctor was like “Jesus christ, fuck the opioid epidemic... you need this.” Because everything I have been using---voltaren gel, tens machine electrode therapy, lidocaine patches, oral nsaids at the maximum dosage, tylenol at the maximum dosage switched every two days with nsaids, lyrica, physical therapy, valium, who knows what else at this point---hasn’t done a single thing and it is only getting worse and worse every single day. And it’s getting to the point where my gait and my speech and my gestures and my vision and my concentration are..... gone, so to speak. And I’m experiencing the worst sense of vertigo ever and I’ve almost blacked out so many times that it’s terrifying because I have to lay on the nearest object---NOT lean, but LAY. The floor, a bed, a table, a chair.. LAY down on it. Otherwise, I would black out. And I have absolutely NO idea why.

A neurologist is my last and final hope... coz I’ve seen every single other fucking major specialist, barring a chiropractor which is a LAST resort option. If anyone is medical... you’ll all know why and I know you’re all snickering and nodding along with me.

ANYWAYS

Life is fucking painful and I am playing Dark Souls on nightmare mode. I thought living with crippling suicidal depression and a ton of psychotic disorders was daunting and impossible to live with. HAHA. Fucking hell, man. I look back at all those years and fucking LAUGH thinking about it compared to the pain I feel right now. NOTHING compares to it and I would take it all back and get off my medications if someone would just take all of this pain and these physical issues away. For fucks sake. ...thought it was impossible to live with... thought it was the worst thing in the world... I was such a child. Lmao.

So..... that’s the major thing that’s overshadowing everything else that would break a normal, neurotypical person and would probably break neurodivergents just thinking about it, nevertheless doing it, so idk how the fuck I’m functioning. I really don’t know. Here I am at 6am writing this reply because the pain is always too intense to sleep with. Even with these pain killers. Sigh. Fuck this.

Ahem... Rant over. I really go on rants about the most random of things. Jeeze. But that’s why I love myself. And why a lot of people love me. Or hate me. Either or. Doesn’t matter which. Haha.

But I really hope you were put on the “good” side and not the “bad” side or the “bad” building so that you don’t have ward induced PTSD or came out worse than going in. I’ve never been on the good side, but everyone who has are the people who are always the ones who are the ones saying “No omg wards saved my life and they are great whine whine wards are amazing and I’m gonna voluntarily commit myself every time I’m feeling anxious now hahah they’re so good for the soul!” and stupid stuff like that. Maybe not to that extreme NORMALLY, but I damn well HAVE seen it to that extreme quite a few times and dear god it’s annoying because they are the ones who are set in their ways and won’t listen because they’ve been in wards so, obviously, there’s no such thing as a “bad” side or they would know. So they call to find out or ask at their next voluntary admission and see if there’s such a thing and when they get the answer of “no” on the good side, they come back adamant that there’s no such thing because they don’t know how that works, how the laws work, and what the entire purpose of the “good” versus “bad” sides are and how they came about in an historical context and they don’t even bother to listen attentively for the slight codes over the speakers or the hushed phone calls to and from each side. Or, if they’re lucky, it’s COMPLETELY out of sight and out of mind because it’ll be a completely different building instead of a different floor or different wing. And then they get REALLYYYYYYYYYYY set in their fucking ways. In that case, it’s fucking IMPOSSIBLE to talk them out of it because “Well what you said didn’t happen, so it’s wrong. Duh.” Yikes. Just... yikes. Like, hello, hi, yes, I’m Killian and I stopped counting my institutionalizations at 20 times so I don’t know how many I’ve been in now but I’m p sure I know how it works now. Not to mention I dated someone who worked at one. So you can just, uh, fuck the hell off, yeah? (That’s usually some snarky response I have in my head when I’m flabbergasted at the ignorance these people have, honestly, to not know of the existence of the separation of the two and WHY they are separate and WHY it’s all hush hush when you’re on the good side and you don’t hear about it and WHY you have a grand fucking jolly good time on the good side and feel it genuinely helped, WHITE BECKY. ugh. Me at these people, seen below, as a corgi.)

.

..

...

BUT ER YEAH SO UH

I really hope you were on the good side so that you actually got help and so that you didn’t come out worse and with a huge extra shot of PTSD attached to your already very valid issues. And I’m so sorry if you got accidentally or purposefully thrown on the bad side. It happens accidentally a lot. Hell, an older woman with Alzheimer’s was on my unit once. It helped everyone, though. There wasn’t any blood spilled while she was there because everyone was doing their best to help her. She didn’t belong there at all and it was just her grandkids fucking her over for some reason we weren’t privy to and ... oh jesus christ, man, like thank fuck I have a heavy medical background. Came in handy. Really did. Ofc, as soon as she left, it was back to the blood and nonstop fights and lockdowns and thorazine cocktails and getting strapped down for nothing more than a sarcastic comment and all the physical and verbal abuse from staff and patients alike and the not getting seen or heard and this and that blah blah blah I could go on for hours.

But ahhhhhhh......... Just really hoping they purposefully (or even accidentally... either way is perfect) put you on the good side and you came out either the same, okay, or better for it. Take care of yourself and heed your own advice.

I want you to do something for me, okay nons? I want you to take every bit of those kind words you say to me and I want you to imprint them on yourself. Can you do that for me? Take all those words and internalize them and make them your own. If it helps, imagine I’m saying them to you. Okay?

I mean, in the end, you do you. Coz you’re an awesome person and a loved person. So... if that means ward time, then okay. That’s fine. You do you. I had to learn that the hard way. It’s not a bad thing. The only bad thing is the PTSD associated with it all and ofc all the things associated with PTSD... which is uh... you know... kind of er.. LIFE CHANGING IN THE WORST OF WAYS.

SO take care of yourself, okay? Dw about me. If I die, then it’s a purely good thing. If I live, then it’s an equally good thing and bad thing. Either way, I win in both scenarios. Since there is no getting rid of chronic pain. Especially the two chronic conditions I’ve been diagnosed with and now THIS spinal thing that I have no idea what it is except the prodromal to scoliosis or possibly actually scoliosis. . .which could and WOULD destroy my life. So. Right now, I have no reason to live, tbh, The pain is THAT intense. Yes, I have reasons but they’re overshadowed by how intense the pain is... Except for Echo. He’s the only thing thing I’d have a hard time leaving. I’d have to find someone I know and trust with steady finances throughout their entire adult life who knows how to handle spitz breeds and can properly take care of a neurotic 17lb pomeranian and really has the time to devote to him and all.

Most people cannot handle a pomeranian or spitz breeds in general and I honestly did not know that until I got Echo and owned him. I thought I knew what I was getting into just from extensive research and my grooming parlour history and my volunteering history and my pet sitting history. But... no... I had no fucking idea the extent at which you have to go for spitz breeds. And double coats. It’s... WAY above and beyond. And then on top of that, he’s diagnosed neurotic which is a little different in terms of what that means in dogs than in humans. So he’s, er... snappy and he’s very... adversarial. 

“A neurotic dog can be defined as a dog that is excessively anxious and highly emotionally upset.”“If your dog seems moody, in need of constant reassurance, and excessively suspicious of other dogs or cats in the house, or even of human beings then chances are you've a neurotic dog.”Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1113508

That’s a pretty damn good and concise article on canine neurosis. Echo is more extreme in his neurosis than most. It happened before we got him. That’s why they called him “The Bully” and told us “Oh no, you don’t want him” when I was adamant that “Uh yes. That is going to be my dog and you cannot tell me otherwise. I don’t want the others. I want him. He is my dog. He is MY dog. I am HIS human. We are family. . .” I have never had a connection wth an animal like I do with my son.

...which is why I cannot die for him. And why I DO have one reason to live for that DOES overrule the pain and how intense it is.

The rest of my reasons... some come close, some are right at the border... some are right ON the border... but none are above it. If you get my drift. Echo is the only thing keeping me here.

...and honestly? It sucks. It sucks that I have to remain here because that’s how bad the pain is. My dreams to stick with pre-med and follow it through all the way to my dream residency program and one day be an attending at that hospital and take on a fellowship.... That is one of the VERY few things that are so close to the top of the border that it’s almost bursting through to Echo level... but not quite. And that kills me. Because I finally found my purpose and I may be knocked out of the game before I can even find out if I can make it there. Because of my body and because of physical disabilities that I cannot help and could never foresee. It had nothing to do with genetics. Nothing to do with my drug use or my alcoholism. Nothing to do with any of my habits. It was all completely fucking random. It was literally... Ehlers Danlos and fibro? “Some people are just born with it.” That is verbatim what my rheumatologist said to me when I begged him for answers on why this was happening to me, holding back tears. “Is it genetics? Is it what I did in the past? I used to do a TON of illegal drugs and drink a ton, too. Usually at the same time. All day and all night. It was terrible. For years upon years. And I’ve been anorexic for a long time. And this and that and... I don’t know. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?” “Some people are just born with it.”

Fucking hell.

Alright, I’m gonna shut up.

But, man, that felt good to rant.

Thank you for being my muse. Lol.

And I appreciate the encouragement so much.

People either LOVE my little novellas to death... or they’re like “What the fuck is with you ranting about absolutely nothing when someone just says “hey” to you? Completely unnecessary.” I’m like “Uh, FIRST OF ALL” and then I complete that WITH A NOVELLA LMAOOOOOOO. And usually get the answer “Uh, okay, professor. I’m not reading that.” And it’s great because I usually didn’t write it for them. I usually write it for me. So I know they’re not gonna read it ahead of time because of hat comment.. so I just write about a ton of stuff that I’ve been needing to vent about for a long fucking time and get it out and no one will read it because they think it’s a furious, passive aggressive rebuttal to some nice guy(tm) telling me he hates the way I go into tirades like this. HAHA. So it’s a win-win situation for me when people like that pop up in my life. The simpletons who give me one word introductions or one line phrases. I get to respond with huge novellas and they get SUPER offended about it for some reason and feel it’s necessary to tell me how offended they are in that passive aggressive manner and it’s just... ahh, it’s so refreshing to me because it feels like my weekly debt collector calls. I absolutely LOVE my debt collector calls. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, if it’s a debt collector, I stop what I’m doing to answer it. It’s just so much fun. I feel bad for one of them, though, coz it’s the same guy who has been assigned to my case and I end up changing my spiel to him every time. So now LAST TIME HE ASKED ME “Is your name [birth name]?” as per usual to confirm it was me before going into “This is a call to attempt to collect a debt” spiel. And I answered with “You know, I’m actually not sure. You tell me.” And he FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME AND I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE. Every debt collector call I get brings so much joy into my day that I just... even if I’m having the worst day and I’m sobbing on the couch about to slice my forearm open... if I debt collector calls me, I will answer and pretend to be a forlorn widow, twice abandoned, which is obviously why I’m crying because my partner just ran out on me. TRAGIC, AMIRITE. I like it when they have enough heart to ask me “What’s wrong” when I say “I just... don’t know if that’s my name... I’m in such dissarray right now that I don’t even know who I am anymore.” And they say “Maybe I should call back later.” And I say “OH no no, this is a fine time. I need a distraction. Desperately. Please. You’re all I have.” Which then normally chimes the hesitant “This is a call to collect a .... actually... I just... what’s wrong?” And then I have to force myself to keep crying as I put my 10 blade down and go “Well, you see, it all started when...” and I make up some super elaborate story, choking and voice shaking all the way. Improving on the spot. It’s SOOOOOOO much fun. Jesus fucking christ. And by the time I get off the phone, I’M NOT SAD ANYMORE AND I DON’T WANT TO KILL MYSELF ANYMORE!

But the ones where I can just... answer EVERYTHING they ask me with a question... and then when they FINALLY (very frustrated at this point, ofc) get to the end in double or triple the time that they should have, I’m guessing, and can ask me “What would you like to do about x amount of money/How would you like to pay/take care of this?”, I instantly drop whatever facade I had going to say something like “Bitch please, you can send that bill to the orange in the whitehouse. He’s the one who is forcing it to continue happening in the first place.” I keep that one as concise as possible. It has a major variation of that every time, though. Telling them to send it to Trump with the implication of how opposed I am to our healthcare system and how angry I am about my exorbitant medical debt and how completely unnecessary it is that I have it and how the 1% should be fucking paying it until the ones in power fix it to the right system, with absolutely bitterness seething from every fucking syllable like fucking poison. And then, ofc, they stutter on the end of the line: “I, uh... we... we can’t do that, so, uh... how do you want us, to, uh...” “Well, dear, let me spell it out for you. No, I really will spell it out for you. Are you ready? I have the address to the white house. Got a pen and paper handy? Computer?” “What? No, you can’t jus-” “Okay good. So the address is-” And I go on to speak OVER THEM with whatever address is listed online that I can find in the moment through a quick google search and as they try to cut me off, I just talk as loudly as I can. And every time they try to cut me off or tell me they can’t, I just get this super chipper, sadistic tone and go “Awe, thank you so much for sending it for me! I’m super excited to hear the response from a piece of fruit! Don’t think those tiny hands are big enough to hold a pencil, but we’ll see, eh?” And the jokes just go ON AND ON and I have a fucking MILLION of em and they don’t STOP and they’re terrible and I DO NOT STOP until the debt collector on the other end is so frustrated that they finally say “I’m going to put it down that you’re not going to pay.” And I just keep responding with. “You’re such a sweetheart for getting that payment taken care of for me! Now, where did you say you worked out of again? What’s the weather like? Super hot here in New Orleans... gonna be one HELL of a summer. GET IT!? HELL!? HAHA” Click. Line dead. And then I’m just fucking howling as I drop my phone.

And my POINT is (yes, I actually have a point, wow haha) that when good guys(tm) feel the need to point out their unnecessary opinion about my completely unnecessary novellas of ramblings, I like to respond with one paragraph of a “FIRST OF ALL” message so they think the ENTIRE message is going to just be a passive aggressive rebuttal... and then I have a bunch of fun with the response and get to vent a fuckton about what’s going on and get to also have a ton of fun and throw in “did you know” facts and horrible, horrible puns and dad jokes and then end it with a paragraph that seems like it would be fitting to a rebuttal that was started in the first paragraph because I legit do want to write a rebuttal but I don’t care enough to say much but I love to use the opportunity to vent in a public space (usually here on tumblr when a nice guy anon sends me a question I deem stupid or in a threat on fb that I deem stupid and a nice guy(tm) is mistreating my friends and I have to sigh to myself and step in and make everything better, as per usual, because confusing the masses with doublespeak and making people question whether or not they’re absolute correct information and absolutely wrong information alike is right or wrong is my specialty). 

Public venting is the only way that things make me feel better because I need an anonymous audience. I don’t want to force people to listen to me whine, but I need a platform where people CAN listen to me whine if they WANT TO (and surprisingly a LOT of people do lol) and get feedback and help and similar stories and advice and such of their own free will without me prompting anyone or asking for it. Helps a fuckton. Just writing stuff down in a journal or notebook? Doesn’t do a fucking thing for as a coping mechanism. Forcing people to listen to me? Boring and defeats the purpose and isn’t a coping mechanism for me coz that means they’re not actively listening. Like psychologists. People who are fucking paid to listen. I don’t trust people who are active listeners. I need passive listeners. People who will overhear a conversation in a coffee shop I have on the phone with someone in a corner while there’s a group of perfect looking, white, trust fund, fraternity and sorority people chatting and laughing loudly in their expensive brand name clothes in the middle of the shop and have that one person come over to me after I’m done with my phone call to say something about how they like this or that about how I talk or was interested in what I was saying and wanted to know more about x or y. Or something else about a topic or the way I spoke and gestured or something weird like that that really intrigues me and makes me feel heard and appreciated and loved because I never prompted anyone into coming to me. Never.

And that, my friend, is the story of why the grinch stole christmas.

No, that’s the story of why Killian literally needs a public platform to vent on.

Okay now I’m REALLY done. I swear. I promise. I fucking PROMISE lmaaaaoooooo. Sorrryyyy.

Nah, I really hope you’re okay, fam. Coz I certainly most definitely 200% am NOT haha.

Live long and prosper.

[bekicotwrites]

Not so quick update

Hey everyone!

I’m sorry I haven’t updated a lot of original posts lately, especially ones of my bullet journal (since I usually post a pic of my weekly spread every week). A lot of things has happened recently and I’m sad to say that I’m not really in my best condition right now. I mean I am okay, but I’ve been better (for the anon who sent me a message, thank you so much though. Your instincts were actually spot on ;;3;;). I usually keep these things to myself but since it’s impacting the frequency of my updates here and I’ve just been putting posts on queue (if anyone actually noticed lmao), I guess I owe you guys some explanation.

There are some internal problems regarding trust and/or relationship issues among my group of friends that impacted everyone inside. It was noticed around the beginning of this month but finally blew up just a few days ago. The person that was most impacted is in their lowest point now but we honestly really don’t know what to do. We told them to go seek professional help, go to a doctor, etc, but they’re really not budging and refused to do so. What’s worse is it’s that bad.

Realistically speaking, my friends and I are just college students. We’re not professional psychologist and/or doctors, who would know how to deal with severe insomnia due to depression/anxiety, what to do when your friend do self harm, when they say their heart hurts in the midst of insomnia and suddenly said they have a family history of heart problems, and is spitting out suicidal threats to us. So however selfish this may sound, even if we listen to them and calm them down, even if we do our research, in the end we know jack shit about dealing with them. And that doesn’t mean we don’t have our own shit to deal with and it just accumulates our stress. We can’t be with them 24/7, especially because we’re all studying in different countries too. A friend of mine even had a breakdown because it was just too much to handle for them, and I cried in campus because of it as well. We really want to help them, but what can we do at this point?

That, and I’ve not been feeling great mentally and physically this month.

As you guys might know, I’m in my last pre-clinic semester, which is why I’m working on my bachelor’s thesis and that also means I’m going to intern/start clinic next year (that means I’m going to be dealing with real patients and not just practice phantoms/model jaws like I’ve always been doing). The pressure of being in the last semester has been getting to me, especially with the work load this module and all the “you guys are in your last pre-clinic semester, how can you say that you don’t know XXX?!” from my professors during lectures just made me realize how I’m lacking in dentistry/medical theories and wow I really don’t know shit and I’m not ready to deal with living humans next year. What if my treatment later doesn’t go well just because I’m lacking in background knowledge and hand skills? What if I fuck up giving meds to my future patient and it would result in a fatal complication? What if I didn’t do proper anamnesis and I missed an important info that could be fatal to the patient? All the what-ifs is really making me frustrated, it’s getting to me, and it just. Stresses me out. Like, a hell lot. 

Speaking about my thesis, I guess all this stress and everything is making me even more unwilling to revise my proposal to submit to the ethical board and continue with my research. I’m kind of scared going to my advisor because it’s been almost a month since I met up with him lmao I mean he’s really nice it’s a blessing that I was assigned with him, but still. The thing is, if I don’t revise my proposal quickly, I can’t submit it to the campus ethical board, and if I don’t get an ethical clearance I can’t continue with my research. It’s really just a spiral but it’s making me super anxious hhhh

Basically I’m just really unmotivated to do not only my thesis revision, but also basic stuff like actually attending class, waking up in the morning, even brushing my teeth hAHAHA a dentist-to-be not brushing their teeth heh  I made a list of classes and/or lectures I need to catch up on, though. So I guess that’s kind of a progress, even if it’s... not a lot... This is also related to why I’m unmotivated to post stuff here, since I haven’t been in the (right) mood to take pictures and edit them. Especially bujo pics since I need to blur some of my personal stuff, unlike my study notes where I can just edit them with my phone. So yeah, there’s that.

Then about my physical condition, I’ve been getting more vertigo episodes and earaches more often than a few months ago, and it’s been getting to me since I really want to hide it from the people in my class but I had to go back to my dorm early sometimes because it was too much and NSAIDs just doesn’t calm it down. One thing I hate about Indonesians is that they talk a lot behind other people’s back despite smiling a lot in front of you, so I don’t want them to know about my health condition (both physical and mental). The thing is, sometimes it shows whenever I don’t talk a lot in class, I get super pissy about the smallest things, or if I need to excuse myself to the lecturer/class leader to go out of the class when I’m not feeling well.

On the up side (?), I know what’s going on with me and my parents finally allowed me to go check to the dentist—I have TMD (Temporomandibular Disorder) because I have a severe (?) case of jaw clenching, my TMJ has clicking, and I also have bruxism. I think all the tension from there builds up (plus all the stress this semester), hence the tension type headaches (earache, migraine, vertigo). It’s that tense to the point where this conversation happened during the check up:

“Okay, relax your jaw.”

“Okay.”

“Relax your jaw, Asa.”

“I’m doing it, doc.”

“...what do you mean you’re relaxing it, it’s really tense!”

“This is the most relaxed I can manage...”

“Oh wow... you don’t know what relaxed muscles feel like do you... Your so called ‘relaxed’ position is still tense. Very tensed, actually.”

“...I’ve been living a lie, I see.”

I’m going to start physiotherapy next week since the dentist said I need to learn how to relax my muscles. My dentist gave me ‘homework’ to learn how to relax my face/masticatory muscles and learning to open my mouth wider but then again how am I supposed to know if it’s already relaxed or not haha

Ah well, that’s what’s been happening to me recently. I’m just trying to take a break and focusing on destressing as much as I can while still doing important stuff that I really have to do. Again, I apologize for the inactivity and if reading this bothers you.

Please stay healthy and I hope you have an awesome day today everyone!