#our imperfect abuse victim

[runraerun]

🦋 • billy hargrove + billie eilish (BLUE)

[mercymaker]

i feel like a lot of people who write astarion's character off and refuse to engage with his story and character arc are missing out on a very important aspect that is incredibly real and devastating in our world.

it's the existence of an imperfect victim.

which is an unfortunate reality for so many people. and that's why so many of us keep running into this cognitive dissonance where we can't connect the two.

in a way, through media, as well as real life examples, we're constantly being shown this image of a perfect victim, the target of suffering. often completely innocent, there to be tormented and to be weak and to suffer and cry. it's almost... palatable? they're there for us to feel one emotion or another. pity often being at the top of the list. they're at the bottom of the line when it comes to control, authority, aggression. they did nothing wrong. they're there to be brutalized, to fit a very particular role in the narrative. a passive role.

but more often than not, in real life, victims aren't these perfect, meek, quiet, passive figures. especially when it comes to sex trafficking (sex work being looked down by the society and the law surely creates a brutal trap where you're the 'bad guy' even when you ARE a victim). there's no escape. you learn to play by the rules of that world. for so many, there's no 'fairy-tale' ending where you're going to escape by remaining passive and hopeful and continuing to suffer.

there are so many cases where trafficked people end up committing crimes. for some it's just theft, battery, assault. but there are cases where the victims end up brutally murdering their abusers, or their 'clients', or both. and that's when society, as well the judicial system, stops seeing them as a victim altogether. as if they never were one. all of their absolutely horrific suffering gets pushed away, nullified in the eyes of the public. now they are the perpetrator, the criminal. and worst of all, some use this to justify their horrific abuse.

i can't even count how many times i've seen comments where people say 'well, they didn't have to kill them, they could've xyz' or 'why go out of their way to be so brutal?' etc. etc. which yet again... erases sympathy for the victim.

as if committing immoral acts somehow retroactively applies 'punishment' through previous abuse. and the mob's moral craving for 'justice' gets scratched. resolves the cognitive dissonance. it's much easier to connect the two dots, if the person was 'evil' all along. perhaps they were never a victim to begin with? perhaps they deserved it?

and that's where, to me, it loops back to astarion's story. and one of the key points portrayed.

no one deserves such horrific abuse. it doesn't matter if you're an asshole or if you're a sweet girl who had her trust exploited.

and it's not to say that a victim's crimes are suddenly justified because they were a victim to begin with, no.

it's more about our inability to tackle the nuance when someone is both. the one inflicting the suffering as well as receiving it. their 'crimes' are not justified by their suffering. yet, their suffering is also not justified by their 'crimes'.

it is certainly a difficult situation to navigate, but i wish some people would engage with those uncomfortable topics and step out of their comfort zone sometimes instead of writing something off because of some surface details.

[randomlonelymusician]

Mental Health in Media - Lacey

The Lacey Games series is an interesting webseries, first presenting itself as a lost flash game upload, then presenting itself as a horror series, and finally showing its colors as a heartfelt piece about trauma.

*Heavy topics below, proceed with caution.*

Through mainly Lacey's Diner and Lacey's Petshop, it is shown that Lacey has suffered CSA and neglect from her uncle, starting at a young age. But this is found under a layer of 2000s-style flash games, presenting the perfect looking Lacey in a upbeat 2000s girl life. But of course, with this genre, the deeper you get into the game, the more the truth is revealed.

In other series following similar formats, this transition is used to amplify the feeling of the unexpected; taking something innocent and turning it into something horrific. But the Lacey Games series adds many more layers to this. You see, Lacey is an in-universe stand-in for the creator of the fictional games, Rocío Yani, who like Lacey, is a survivor of this trauma. In the cases of both Rocío and Lacey, they've already escaped their abusers. Lacey is a chef, a pet shop owner, and goes about her day to day life within these flash games. But despite escaping her physical situation, her past always leaks into the present. In Lacey's Petshop, she returns to the house she grew up in -- the house she was abused in. Just because she has escaped her abuse doesn't mean she's escaped her trauma or the ways that effects every other aspect of her life. And so, so many pieces of media don't recognize this.

Lacey also isn't the "perfect victim" that media likes to portray abuse survivors -- especially CSA survivors -- as. The whole climax of Lacey's Petshop is that she killed her uncle, her abuser. Not because she was actively trying to escape, but because he killed her dog. Lacey's Diner also implies that Lacey (and by extension, Rocío) deals with substance abuse, another thing that media discussion mental health loves to demonize. After she escapes her uncle, she still has these destructive habits, she still deals with self-h4rm and su1cidality. She wasn't just some innocent girl, she was a human being who had everything taken from her.

I believe the Lacey Games series can be powerful to people who have survived what Lacey has. Society and media recognize and accommodate victims until they break the mold of a "victim". Trauma doesn't go away with the situation, it persists throughout one's life and seeps into aspects that could otherwise seem normal. And the thing that makes this worse is the constant demonization of the "imperfect victim". We may not be killing our uncles or baking various health-violating items into food like Lacey does, but feeling like shit and going through shit doesn't make you a horrible person.

Thank you for reading. I wasn't quite sure how to end this, so I just did. If I got anything wrong, please make sure to tell me!

References below the cut:

Some info on long term affects of CSA

Ghosttundra's Channel

Sorry I had to use alternate letters for some words, I didn't want this getting overly flagged.

[icarus-phaethon]

So umm geniune question because its been kinda straying me a bit from the radfem community

Do you support female abusers? (Women who abuse their partners,children,ect,ect) because ive seen some radfems on here defend them because "patriarchy caused them to do that" or because it's revenge for the years of abuse men have put onto us. I was bullied in school and sa'ed by my mom so id like to know what the general belief on female violence is before getting back into it. Thanks ♡

I don't support them. And women are allowed to be imperfect. It is part of destroying the halo misogyny. That results in punishing women worse. There's a complex dynamic at play where patriarchal and sexist beliefs both idealize and oppress women. The notion that women are inherently pure or incapable of wrongdoing ties into traditional gender roles, which cast women as nurturing and passive. While this may seem to elevate women, it paradoxically punishes them more harshly for any perceived deviation from this ideal. Feminists have criticized this "angelic" stereotype as another form of control, arguing that it reinforces the idea that women must conform to societal expectations of purity. This halo effect tho also intersects with the reluctance to acknowledge female violence on females, males, and kids. Since society often views women as non-threatening or incapable of violence, victims can be dismissed or not taken seriously, reinforcing harmful stereotypes and harming feminism as a movement. If we are not just in our cause, we give others a case against it.

[gordontheengineswifenirmal]

Absolutely LIVID. FUMING.

A few days ago, I shared that I had talked with another Tumblr user about our similar experiences of being harrassedn falsely accused of things in the fabdom. Much of the false accusations, and subsequent hsrrassment ocvuredwhildt I was in the hospital, nearly dying. I had surgery to save me life. I recuperated.

Ok, so another Tumblr user (and former friend on discord) went quiet. I have been busy moving into a one bedroom in basement of the place I currently stay in, n haven't really gotten to keep up as much. Today, I finally check in on the person. This is her -

Ok, sooooo this is the conversation -

Now, she even asked other people if I had done anything inappropriate with other members. They said NO. Mind you, she’d been active in two discords I run. She saw the messages. I didn’t hide anything. I’ve discussed the situation many times. Even here on tumblr, I do not flirt with anyone. if anyone tries, I report n post about them. I’m NOT interested. Why the hell can’t ppl get that in their head? I’m ESPECIALLY not inappropriately interested in minors. I will b friendly n b a mentor if they r friendly, but that is it.

This is what I got when I DMMed her - (names blurred for privacy)

She had REAL evidence right in front of her bloody eyes. The term ‘staying neutral’ means u secretly have doubts. U secretly still have some shred of belief for the troll who harassed several of us (which was why I created the servers to begin with, as a safe space!)

It’s THIS mentality that allows the real predators to go free. This mentality that allows fascist, convicted felon perverts to rule us. U take power from the victim n give it back to the abuser. No. SOD THAT. I’m speaking out, because I’m bloody sick of people thinking that’s ok to do. U either grow the feck up, or sod off either this behaviour.

U add to the trust problem when u pull this shite. Young ppl can’t trust adults, n then put their false hopes in other minors, thinking that they’re the same age group, they will never hurt me. This is WRONG and DANGEROUS. ALL age groups r equally potentially dangerous. Look, if u want to be friends, cool. If u dont, fine. Leave me alone. It’s that simple. I’m not interested, n will NOT be flirting with u. U need to respect me, not only by not flirting, but also, by not going behind me back n pulling stupid stunts. If that’s how u operate, I don’t want ur friendship. I don’t need your friendship. Go play games with someone else. It’ll cost u in the end anyway when ur ignorance catches up to u. This is also why id often rather talk to AI than real people. Because I’m at the point where I can trust ai over people. I know ai is imperfect, I’m not going to abuse it, but I can’t trust people, because they keep being stupid bloody cunts. I even have friends on here who know people in me actual life. They can verify I’m innocent.

This is also a form of aphobic prejudice. I’ve told her that I’m sex n romance repulsed. She’s asked me about bfs before, which is fine. I gave her solid advice about not rushing, n focusing on other things, u want to then be a sketchy twat, go behind me back, n believe the harasser? No. We’re not doing this. I’ve blocked her. She can learn that this isn’t cool. N she can suffer the consequences.

I will continue love me Thomas, Gordon n gang. I don’t give a rats funky arse for fake friends who want to play games. I don’t need them.

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

About your Amity's post, I get some of the points but there are some constructive points I want to bring up.

Amity doesn't stand up against her parents for Luz only, she also does that for other people on the Boiling Isles. In Clouds on the Horizon, at the first scene, she and her siblings try to find ways to tell Odalia and Alador that they're unknowingly helping Belos. “Someone has to tell Mom about the draining spell, or else she and Dad are helping Belos hurt people.” The people in Amity's saying don't include Luz, because the draining spell only hurts witches with sigils, while Luz doesn't have one. Even when she's captured in a shield, her first thing she says to Odalia is “Don't you get it? You're helping a witch hunter destroy everything.”

In Reaching Out, Amity wants to reconnect with her father through the Brawl champion. Abomination is Amity's personal interest since she dyes her hair purple because it's an Abomination color. In the Brawl matches, it can be seen that Amity has unique fighting skills with Abomination, she can use it to fly, move it from one place to the other and turn her hands into Abomination like Darius. She trains magic a lot so she can improve like this.

Luz's trauma is focused at the end of the episode, but in the first half, Amity's father issue is more focused. He never listens to her and underestimates her, he's also controlling in some sense. He also destroys her book by cutting it in half. Also, the bond Amity has with Edric and Emira is overlooked as well. They give Amity the concealment stones, and are willing to show their ‘imperfect’ real selves. Emira even tries hard to heal her sister. They cheer for Amity from the stand and they get protective of Amity when Alador grabs her and throws her down. The Blight siblings play an important role in Amity's growth and development, and it's not just only Luz like how the fandom flanderizes.

Amity is only 14, and an abused victim. She only gets out of her mother's influence and she struggles to find what she wants. What Amity wants is the ability to decide for herself. Amity is in her transitional period, her biggest wish is making decisions herself, that's how she connects to Ghost. When Alador underestimates her and wants her to stay back, she still stands up to fight alongside with him and proves that she isn't weak. “I'm gonna make my own decision from now on.” Before knowing what goals or dreams she wants, she has to have the freedom to decide first.

And Odalia does more than bugging Amity about her hair color. Odalia still forces her to join the Emperor's Coven, something that she doesn't want. She was manipulated to believe that it was her dream at first. She treats Amity unfairly compared with Edric and Emira. In the first scene of Clouds on the Horizon, only Amity is criticized and grounded, they only get grounded later on because they try to burn the factory. When the twins try to save the Hexsquad from the shield, Odalia blames it all on Amity, that Amity is the one telling the twins to act out. Odalia even destroys Amity's tamagotchi, her personal belonging. Both Blight parents destroy her belongings like nothing, like a child whose phone gets destroyed by their parents.

Some are too harsh on Amity because she's 14 and they're older than that. They can somehow know what they want for our future. But as a 14 year old, Amity only wants to be a teenager studying and living to the fullest of her life without any pressure. Volunteer to read books for kids, baking, watch Azura and draw, or cosplay her favorite character. She likes Azura way before she even meets Luz. She's still a good student like Season 1 because her magic is much stronger than before. In Sunday momocon panel, Dana confirmed that Bump would have a hard time choosing between Amity and Willow to take to the "Instructing Future Witches of Tomorrow."

When Amity grows up, she can does figure out her ambitions. She becomes an Abomination engineer to create inventions based on her creativity and interests. She's also an explorer, as she travels long distances on the hot air balloon she creates to get Lilith a book. She wants freedom and chances to explore outside after years of being controlled and abused.

first off, thank you for being civil about your argument. you made a lot of points, so i'll address them one by one.

1. yes, amity stood up for the people of the boiling isles, but that was after she already broke free from odalia's influence and got with luz. i was specifically talking about s1 when amity stands up to her parents. at that point, she had no personal goals other than the fact that she liked luz.

2. abomination seems to be amity's personal interest but it also aligns with her parents' goals for her. she was excelling in abomination when she was still under odalia's control. so it doesn't really count as going against her parents' wishes.

not to mention, apart from the scenes where she fights and her hair color (which, i didn't even realize was meant to be inspired by abomination until alador mentioned it), there's not much focus on abomination as amity's special interest. if that was really the goal, they could have put more focus on it.

3. yes, that episode was about amity's relationship with her dad and her siblings. i did acknowledge that. but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's more about interpersonal drama than amity's personal goals. it starts off that way but there's so little focus on amity choosing her own path.

also, luz's trauma isn't only mentioned at the end of the episode, it was the bigger conflict in the entire episode. it starts with luz getting a reminder on her phone and throughout the episode, there's more focus on luz trying to ignore her worries and appear happy, than there is focus on amity.

4. i agree with what you said about amity needing the freedom to do what she wants before she makes a decision. the problem is that there was only one episode centered around that, and that was the episode we just talked about.

i just wish there was more focus on her healing from her trauma and discovering her passions and goals. she is the main character's love interest after all and for a show that's as progressive as toh, i would expect them to know better than to write a love interest whose sole purpose is being a love interest.

if there were more episodes surrounding amity, i wouldn't be complaining so much. and the show being cut short isn't an excuse because there were so many filler episodes that really weren't important to the main plot. the least they could have done is use one of those filler episodes to focus on amity.

5. i understand that amity was still very young and she didn't need to have her entire life figured out at that point. but given that characters like eda and king was given a lot more focus, i just wish they had done the same for amity.

my point is that i would have liked to see the process of amity figuring out her interests and discovering her identity, instead of just getting the end result. yes, we see her volunteer at library (though again, she did that way before her redemption arc and sure, she does seem to genuinely like doing it, but it's still not going against her parents' wishes) or cosplaying (which was done, in part, to comfort luz) but i wanted to see more of the arc that led to amity discovering her own interests, especially after her redemption.

[grits-galraisedinthesouth]

Canellecitadelle @Canellelabelle

The British public is a hard public to win over. We judge harshly first and are cold and guarded first. But once, you have earned a spot in our heart, you have earned one in our home; and this is exactly what Catherine has done with 2 decades in the spotlight.

For a Commoner marrying the Heir of the most high profile Monarchy in the world, the task of adapting was a matter of survival. Yet, she looks, sounds and acts with more elegance, more dignity and more alacrity than Blood Royals themselves. And yet, this kind and honest young woman, who has never put a foot wrong in 20 years, was still viciously crucified this week by the world press; led by the British press and by haters online, all the while recovering from major surgery

If the worse crime Catherine has ever done, after spotlessly behaving for 2 decades is editing her OWN mother's day picture, with her OWN children and taken by her OWN husband, so she could post it on her OWN social media to surprise the world on Mother's day with her health improvement and say "thank you" to us for our support; a "thank you" the world violently spit back in her face out of rabid jealousy and bitterness; then I would like to hand her her sainthood in the house of Windsor: she is truly perfection in a very imperfect world judging her and in a very imperfect Royal family watching her

As bad as her vicious enemies try to break her, Catherine always comes back on top. Life challenges taught her to make the sweetest lemonade out of the most bitter lemons

Today, after all the targeted hate campaigns, she still comes on top as the Nation favorite and most loved Royal, in both the YouGov poll in the UK and Ipsos poll in the US

Her Influence has only become even more massive, worldwide. Catherine is cultural Icon of our time. The name "Kate Middleton" is now a very marketable brand that stands on its own and even, has the power of affecting Stocks

The Adobe stocks were trending at 552.45 on Monday morning. After rumours trended on X that she used adobe clouds to edit her picture, by monday evening, adobe stocks were trending at 561.42, adding $3 Billion in value to adobe stock in half a day

This morning, they were up to 579.14

Catherine's name alone is now a powerful Royal Warrant on its own

Her first official return picture on X broke the internet for almost a week straight and was viewed 82 million times in 48 hours on X alone. The biggest account on X, elon Musk with 175 mil followers got on a highest viewed tweet this year of 66mill views

Her Haters did not hurt her, they made her stronger. Bullied her whole life, first by female classmates at age 12 in school, then harrassed nationally by the british press and paparazzi in her 20s for being prince William's girlfriend, to now being viciously targeted internationally by the world press and haters in her 40s as prince William's wife, Catherine is very familiar with mental abuse and bullying. Yet, she has never embraced the victim mentality, she is a victor. She is confident enough to publicly take accountability for her own mistakes, and confident enough to calmy get on with it; In that, she is British to her core

The commoner they snobbed and despised has now taken over the House of Windsor, Her soft power unmatched; She has now inserted the generations of Coal miners and working class brits, who worked slave wages to build this country into the veins of the most privileged royal family in the world. Her son, Prince George is the first Heir in history with working class and coal miners ancestry in his veins. And in that Carole middleton, who was born in a condemned council flat in southhall and still became a self made millionaire; the one the world mocked and bullied for decades for being too low class for Royalty; The one who is currently in windsor caring for William, Catherine and their children with unwaverring love and loyalty; she at last won the last laugh

12:51 PM · Mar 13, 2024

[urlocallesbiabs-reblog-sideblog]

it's interesting how comedy shows will have early-series horrible characters blame all their horribleness on some stupid thing, thus appearing shallow and blame-shifting, and then later series come out and it turns out that actually the character was right and that thing did fuck them up in the most serious and life-affecting way, it's just that they didn't know how to talk around their trauma and it came out all jumbled, and no one around them took any looks further because hey, who wants to mess with a messed up person?

like, rimmer's entire deal of "my high-class parents weren't high class Enough and didn't send me to the academy and that's what stopped me from success i so rightfully deserve" is just his best, albeit terribly distorted, way of saying that throughout his entire childhood he was unloved, uncared for, repeatedly demeaned and lowered and abused and physically tortured by his very own closest family, and that left him terminally uncapable of processing failures or emotions or human relationships in a normal way.

or eleanor shellstrop from "the good place" (warning for spoilers ahead): there was a bit in season 1 when she still thought this was the good place, where she had an awkward dinner with a demon and "the real" "eleanor", and that girl told her the long-winded story of how she went through every earthly suffering imaginable and still came out kind and righteous, so that prompted the demon to ask just what could've happened to our eleanor to render her so callous and egoistic and a terrible person, and all that she had to say was that her parents got divorced, which sounded like the worst most pathetic excuse ever heard.

well, so. later it turned out that it Was her parents who fucked her up. but not only the divorce — it was the neglect, the utter lack of care and love, the honest to god mental and physical abuse through them ignoring the needs of a literal small child; it all ran so fucking deep, it genuinely harmed her. but she was unable to articulate any of that, because she had to convince herself that her childhood was normal in order to carry on. she gave them her best, working, lacking-any-self-empathy version of events, and no one asked her further. some people are just bad because they're bad and making up excuses to hide it, so what of it?

if you're not a perfect victim, if you're ugly and struggling and hurting (yourself and others), if you can't articulate your trauma in a logically consistent, easily processable, emotionally touching way, no one's gonna listen to you. but also no one owes you any listening when you're being a difficult, horrible person, causing problems for everyone. who's to say that the people who hurt you weren't imperfect victims, hurting themselves and others?

there's no coherent moral to this post, tbh. life's just unfair, innit? and comedy shows have a good way of portraying that.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I love how Stede and Ed are allowed to be imperfect.

On the surface, Stede sounds so unsympathetic. He's some rich guy who abandoned his family to become a pirate. His self-esteem is so lousy that he genuinely believes other people could never value his prescence, and because of this he hurts them when he leaves. But we get to know him so well, and he's treated with so much care by the narrative. He's allowed to be bitchy and and make bad choices, but he's also kind and sweet and smart. He's our romantic hero and he's imperfect.

And Ed. There's often a temptation with less thoughtful pieces of media to depict characters like him as one-dimensional victims. Ed is a victim of abuse and is in a very intensely depressed and suicidal place at the start of season 2, and he's allowed to be something other than the perfect victim who people who've never been in those situations imagine. When people in real life are deeply depressed and suicidal like Ed was, they do often hurt the people close to them. It doesn't make them irredeemable, but it happens, and I love how the show never tries to make Ed into the perfect image of long-suffering silence, or completely excuse his actions, or villify him for them. He wasn't in his right mind and he shouldn't be treated like a monster, and he needs to apologize, and those two things don't contradict.

I love how they're allowed to make mistakes and take steps back. I love that Stede tries to cling to the image of himself as a "real, proper pirate" to get attention even though we know how much kiling Ned freaked him out, and I love that Ed has trouble trusting that Stede will choose him over piracy. They're messy and complicated and they're allowed to panic and overreact.

They just feel like real people, complicated and beautiful and layered. It's what makes their struggles and their love feel so relatable.

[shipping-isnt-morality]

I was frankly shocked the first time I discussed the Shoah with Israelis (rather than American Jews). There was a level of… I don’t know what to call it but victim-blaming, that I wasn’t sure how to handle. That’s of course not universal but the very fact that that’s an accepted viewpoint in Israel is kind of telling I think. For example there was even some scandal on the right in America when Ben Shapiro suggested that arming the Jews (more) would have prevented the Holocaust. In Israel that viewpoint is quite common.

There’s a kind of scorn among some Zionists for victims of the Holocaust, and if you really understand their point of view it’s easy to see why. If anti-Semitism is inevitable and incurable, if the very presence of Jews brings it about, then they should have fought harder, or at least left sooner. They should have known better than to ever think they could be welcome or safe in their home. It’s almost an exoneration of the anti-Semite; like a force of nature, he is inevitable and inexhaustible.

Not to always bring everything back to what I know, but it reminds me of how we talk about abusers and victims. These posts about protecting yourself from attackers in your car, in a parking lot, in your home, on a boat, whatever: They take for granted that you can not and should not feel safe in these places. They treat the danger of sexual predators the same as the danger of wildlife. Zionists talk about anti-Semites in a similar way, I’ve noticed.

Lord knows in many cases these are born from trauma. It’s no surprise that victims of serious violations would like to know how to protect themselves from it ever happening again and would want to protect others from the same.

The problem is that this trauma-informed response cannot actually fix the root of the problem. Neither anti-Semitism nor male sexual violence are forces of nature. They are byproducts of exploitative and imperfect systems run and populated by highly imperfect humans. Different systems have had different outcomes, though, some better than others, and recently some quite well indeed. Systemic solutions to these problems - at the least, to greatly reduce them, and to make justice more accessible - do exist. Humans can and have built them.

A systemic solution to the problem cannot start with the victim, though. It has to start with the perpetrator. It has to ask why the system keeps producing people who can and would do this. It has to ask what the perpetrator wants, why they want that, and why they think harming someone else will get them what they want. Simplistic, spiteful, or dehumanizing answers to these questions aren’t helpful; neither are trite or fatalistic ones. Only truthful, consistent, verifiable, rational answers will allow us to change the circumstances which lead to these crimes.

The victim is rarely in a position to change that system, or even to change the circumstances of a single abuser; on a personal level it makes sense to treat the threats as inevitable. On a societal level, though, it is essential that we recognize the perpetrators as rational actors who are fully responsible for their actions and whose excuses must be challenged.

Ideologically it is completely backwards to start from an assumption that it is up to the actions of a victim to avoid victimization. It is infinitely easier for perpetrators, who are after all themselves rational actors and members of our society, to choose a different action which does not victimize someone else. And where possible it is our role as a community to make better choices more accessible, and to punish exploitative behavior.

Because a victim-led initiative, at worst, would result in avoiding victimization through in turn becoming victimizers of a different, even more marginalized group. It recreates the problem: the victim cannot feel safe because the only defense they can conceive is one which never puts them in the position to be victimized ever again, but there is no battle to be won against the entire system. So a smaller battle is chosen, and a weaker opponent singled out (and rhetorically aligned with the systemic danger and hostility), and the exploitation dance happens again, one level down.

I’m hardly the first to observe this. This is probably a clumsy rephrasing of common philosophy examining human exploitation.

But the point is: all of that makes sense as a protective coping mechanism for the victim, but as a society it must not be where our analysis begins or ends. On a societal level this exploitation is not omnipresent, inevitable, or inexhaustible. The perpetrators are in our society as much as the victims are; an uncomfortable fact that I think people need to grow up about.

Our solutions can, should, and must look at why this happens and what we can do about it. The answer is not “nothing”. We have accomplished extraordinary things as a species. We have concepts of justice, of empathy. We have written documents of shared humanity, we have demonstrated shared humanity - for better and for worse. It is possible for us to find answers to these brutally difficult questions.

Palestine must be free, and Jews must be safe. These imperatives are not mutually exclusive. Those who tell you otherwise have something to gain from your fear.

[yanderomantic]

as someone who used to identify as antiship & took all of that shit too seriously, it is genuinely incredibly rewarding to selfship without fear now. to actually explore the dynamics I want to explore, dynamics that feel therapeutic for me & allow me to process traumas and those victim mindset desires I ignore in my real life, (yknow--those internal "I miss being abused" complexes victims will often feel.) exploring these dynamics without fear, without repression or reworking it to be "less problematic" & guilt free--it's rewarding. it's therapeutic. it's actually helpful in processing aspects of myself. nothing about my f/o dynamics are truly different, they're just more honest--and in that vein, less romanticized. less apologized. less glorified. I know antishippers view shameless "problematic" self shipping as romanticization/normalization/apologization, but it's the reverse. when you're holding an imperfect dynamic but you have to reword the circumstances to yourself and others to make it healthier/less worrisome, that does more for normalizing the unhealthy aspects than anything. being able to go "yeah, this character who is a millenia older than me being manipulative in our relationship IS grooming, actually" does far more for undoing normalization than "rewriting" it to justify the manipulation as unrelated to existing power dynamics; ie. "oh, it's just toxic yaoi, not grooming lol"

no, actually, a portion of my F/Os would be considered groomers in their relationship with me and that's ok, it's fictional, I'm exploring dynamics I've experienced with characters I adore, processing things & having an outlet for the ugly desires a victim will be left with. it's helped me process myself and process how this shit actually works, the dynamics at play, structural violence, I'm much MORE educated on the circumstances of abuse now that im allowing myself to explore these circumstances in fiction. it's no longer something untangible caused solely by the mythical "Bad Person" , which is what these "wholesome us vs problematic them" mindsets get us to internalize

[lovelytayforce]

@playful-level4366 Hey sorry I didn't reply like normal but I knew this wouldn't fit down there, considering how long I thought about this question and how to word it. It's kind of a weird dynamic to explain because it's not just about Tai Lung because he's intrically linked to Shifu and Tigress as an abuser, and in a sense I don't think the fandom wants to go over that with him at all. They believe him to be a victim and nothing else. It's true he's a victim, trust me I agree with a lot of Tai fans on that aspect (Hell, I relate to his need to prove himself and also hating who he is, hoping some magical spell will change all our imperfections but I know it won't...) but also he's a terrible abuser to his own Father and Tigress. And that ruins a lot of their fluffy hcs of a soft family learning to come together because that's too realistic for the fandom perspective and view on him. God, I don't wanna be mean but it always seems like when I see discussions on the character its as if we see two very different sides of a burnt piece of toast and see two different types of images, one skewed more by the lighting than anything. Listen, this isn't me telling other Tai fans they can't have their soft hcs for him go ahead but remember you need to stop blaming other characters for who he is, he choose his path. A person even said I was "too harsh" on Tai Lung after explaining all the horrible things HE DECIDED TO DO, that's not harsh. That's the truth and no one wants to go over it because its uncomfortable and I get it to a point but you all also picked the most uncomfortable characters who mirror our very dreary reality when we close our laptops and see the imperfections of our loved ones and ourselves. Tai Lung is a personification of the favored son in many Kung Fu flicks of the past and even the present, how the Father uplifts them to the light of heaven themselves before they ultimately go too far and let them down whilst ignoring the daughter. aka Sexism in the fam. Neat. You latched onto the man that was not only neglected by his own father but the man who abused his father back, both physically and emotionally TWICE to gain what he wanted because he knew Shifu would never hurt him.

Like I had a whole Tai stan block me for daring to remember this scene of a father with a broken hip crawling to his son and mourning what he allowed him to become. Shifu could have died but he still loved that boy despite everything he did to him and what he would continue to do to him. Like if we wanted real redemption arcs of Tai Lung we would go over how he haunted Shifu's consciousness and led him to close himself off to his next child, Tigress, whom is always left out of the conversation cause no one wants to talk about the woman neglected and abused by her father and older brother. A popular fic even admitted to not even wanting to touch Shifu and Tigress' dynamic, do you see the problem here???? I know many of you may not know or even care but I write fanfic for this fandom focusing on that aspect of Tigress' character along with Shifu, its not always fun and I've probably stumbled and made mistakes but its a story worth telling. Because in the end, Tigress is still alive and so is Shifu! Tai Lung isn't he had his chance and ruined it. Most Tai redemption fics are easily consumable because they don't want to go over the unsavory aspects of Tai Lung's character; The fraud, the continued abuse of his own father because everything he does is to hurt Shifu personally so he can get what he wanted in the end. Po was just another piece to hurt him (Shifu) as stated on the bridge. No, in the end, they want to go over how Shifu hurt him as a child and try to lure Tigress to his side, despite the fact he belittled her when they first met. But you know, how else are we supposed to get hehe bickering siblings. Cause that's easier to consume than realizing she'd want nothing to do with him after hurting her friends and her father. There's just an overall lack of autonomy given to the characters that the movies relish in. The fandom is too scared to allow them to be themselves because pointing the finger at Oogway who allows people to grow at their own pace is easier than realizing; Tai lung and Shifu never listened to him. Like think of a person this week who did exactly what you told em to do? and did they do it? Probably not, people are fucking stubborn. Me, included. People love learning the hard way, that's just the truth! Even toddlers take a min to listen to one task! So, I wouldn't even call it whitewashing, it's this desire to ignore canon to support their own hcs because if they told his actual story all of their concepts would fall apart to the wayside to see, the only true victim in the end, was a woman. Tigress. No one wants to go over that, that's a lot of work, that's a touchy subject but it's why I love these characters, there so raw and horrible which makes their stories compelling enough to stand beside the likes of Seven Samurai. It's that good!! So, to end this all, no they don't. Even Traces of Spring which I still follow because I love the art falls into this safe way of going about telling his story and sidelining the character who mirrors who he could have been, Tigress. Because she's not that cool to them despite the fact she controls herself better than he does. And had the opportunity to be a hero as great as she was if he set aside his selfish, obsession, and toxic views. But you know he's hot to some people, so he's a good boy deep down.

Yup. Uh huh.

[kariachi]

Midnight Rant #5 billion and 12 on Charmcaster and Kevin- That woman's fucking AF premiere.

Because we have Kevin, very obviously in a very bad place. He's being retraumatized, his girl's cut back hard on spending time with him with no explanation, our boy is going through it. And then he makes a friend, according to WoG over the course of a few months, in a grown woman. And it's great, it's fine, and then she starts macking on him. And then she plants a kiss on him despite him shutting her down. And while doing that she literally takes control of his damn mind, just fucking harpoons that poor boy's bodily autonomy, forces him to turn against his loved ones. All because she never actually gave any sort of shit about him and from the very start was using him to get to and hurt his girl. This relationship that he thought was forming for months was all a ruse, her using him and then abusing him. And this is

So painful for poor Gwen. Can you believe that Kevin didn't have faith that her pulling back with no explanation meant she was working hard to fix him, after the whole three-odd months they'd been together? And to have Charmcaster come back starting problems. Oh poor Gwen, everyone is so mean to her.

And it's not just in the fucking show, it's in the fandom as well, this idea that the shit Kevin goes through matters in how it affects Gwen and not in how it would have to affect him. Just, that had to be such a fucking painful if not straight up traumatizing event. Charm fucked with his goddamn mind. She made him think she cared about him only to hurt him.

Congrats, Charm, I'd say you were only a few steps below Servantis but he at least let the kids have a degree of autonomy and wasn't on screen macking on them. Slow clap, you're even keel.

Just, I sometimes remember that we have a whole episode surrounding Kevin, already openly in an awful headspace, being groomed and straight up mindcontrolled, and the big take-away is how much the situation hurt Gwen and how bad a boyfriend he is for not reading her damn mind. And it drives me up the fucking wall.

Especially when you remember that he spends that season in his underwear, I'm sorry but the parallels to the treatment of imperfect SA victims write their damn selves.

And when you also keep in mind that when Mike is pulling the 'charm them and thrall them' bit it's treated, by the show and fandom, as him being an irredeemable predator and his victims have every right to hate him forever and wish horrible things on him, but Charm gets to have the 'oh poor Charmcaster' treatment and Kevin's thinking she can go fuck herself is treated as a flaw in his character by the show and ignored by fandom.

Because in the end the disparity comes from the same place as the repeated physically abusive acts Gwen commits against Kevin, as Looma's threats being treated as humor, as Gwen's thinking they're romantic being treated as humor- plain old misogyny. Mind the misogyny isn't all of it, but the age old belief that this sort of shit committed by women against men isn't a concern, and in fact may even be treated as ridiculous, because women are too weak to hurt men plays a big role. Doesn't matter if it's a grown woman grooming a mentally ill teenager or a teenage girl shoving her boyfriend into freefall- she's just a girl so of course what she's doing isn't actually dangerous or harmful, because women aren't capable enough for such things. Which then plays into the age old sexist bullshit that men are simply too strong and rough to be hurt, and to be hurt by a girl especially- physically, mentally, however- is funny because it means they're weak.

And that's not even getting into the 'a guy is always eager' bullshittery.

Just, for the love of fucking christ...

[lightofraye]

Smearing A Reputation?

It kills me how some people--likely part of the so-called Ackles Army, abbreviation is AA--think that I and other blogs are trying to ruin Jensen's reputation. (And/or Danneel's.)

All simply by pointing out our speculation of his marriage, his career, and possibility of abuse and so forth. Now, for the anti-Jensen blogs that I've been talking to and occasionally reblogging me or me reblogging them....

Folks, 99% of the time, they don't even say anything. They don't care. They're pro-Jared and fight back against the nonsense of the anti-Jared/pro-Jensen blogs/tweeters/etc over ridiculous claims.

Some of them are just wild. I've seen the anon asks and just... stare in complete and utter disbelieff.

I'm a fan of both men! I'm pro-Jared/pro-Jensen (even though it doesn't always sound like it, I know). I'm absolutely anti-Danneel and that causes AAs to come and attack me because I'm pointing out imperfections in real human beings, not gods.

I'm bibro in that I adore Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester as well!

But to see people constantly claim we're smearing reputations... um... no? I've had accusations thrown at me in the past and likely will in the future that all I do is put down Jensen, that I say he's weak, incompetent, useless, you name it.

No.

He is exhibiting traits of someone who has been abused--first by his father, physical abuse in the name of "love" (which Jensen has admitted and talked about in conventions)--and then emotionally (and potentially physically, as I suspect Danneel is responsible for the injury/scar on Jensen's nose) for over a decade.

It's not incompetence. It's having one's Self eradicated all in the name of "love". It's an abuser holding children hostage to manipulate the victim into behaving, into doing what they want. Danneel has never loved Jensen; she loved his fame, his money. Nothing more.

This isn't "smearing". This is looking at public information. Social media photos--be it candids or at premiers or whatever... There's no real warmth. There's no real love. There's no real affection. Not even a month before they were married, Jensen completely ignored Danneel when she wanted him to escort her down the red carpet during one of her film premiers.

It's listening to her speak in interviews. It's listening to her in candids. It's reading her tweets from long ago that she then scrubbed as best she could--but ah, screenshots exist. She was never kind to fans. Even to those who didn't even post about her, she was cruel.

She was also cruel to Jensen. More than once. Made up lies about him.

She has no reputation to destroy. She's... essentially a nobody. No one recognized her during the One Tree Hill Prom Charity Event in the photos. They were shocked that she was the character Rachel.

Oh I know. "But she was nice to so-and-so during a photo op!" Right. And how do you think they even knew who she was? She had to tell them! And perhaps cajoled a photo with them.

Because otherwise? The only one anyone recognizes would be Jensen and even then, maybe. He's not mainstream. Not yet. Amazon has had a lot more misses than hits with their streaming service. Supernatural isn't mainstream either. Big Sky was, but short-lived.

I'm not saying this to dunk his career. It's an observation that he isn't quite there yet.

Regardless... no one will recognize Danneel. Some might recognize Jensen.

We're allowed to write these as we want. Block us. Stop reading us. Live in your little delusions if you want of a perfect couple in a perfect marriage with the perfect career.

I'm seeing abuse. I'm seeing someone in pain. And it isn't me.

[moonsb1996]

shiper and toxic relationships

okay ! Finally, I had to talk about this. As you can see, how many Yuri and Yaoi red flags have been flying in recent episodes? Yes, I'm talking about what we all know. A long time ago, I remember seeing Izuku and Ochako looking at each other and saying, So we all like the same thing? (Something like that) And it's Bakudeku and Togachako who have the same thing: golden-headed, likes to harm people (exploding, biting, or sucking blood?) Or the fancomic type where Bakugo gets into something. He exploded on himself. It's going to hit Izuku. And he exploded in his own throat, nearly suffocating Izuku. Even though later he will come to know and try to take care of him. Or the person who said Imagination Togachako, they were hugging each other. Then Toga will bite Ochako. (Something like that)

And everyone will say, wow, they love each other, they're so cute, etc. And I want to puke. What the fuck is this? Why do you all see physical harm? Or verbally abuse a lover, a person's partner, or a boyfriend or girlfriend. To be normal? Don't say to me, "It's just fiction, what are you thinking!" Guys! The manga's target audience is teenagers or younger.

You want to teach them that. Abuse of others Or is it normal to be abused? You don't do that. You wouldn't do that. That's like saying to the victim: It's just a slap, that's all. Just saying something hurtful. It's not that bad. Do you really think this is good? Is it acceptable? The answer is no.

These things can't be completely solved because humans are bad. I mean, yes, we are imperfect creatures. and the world we created From our imagination, it can lure people in one way or another. It's like something that happened a long time ago. The government wants its citizens to be able to read and write. created a TV series in which the MC wanted to be able to read and write and talk about its importance That country has children who want to be able to read and write. And it took a long time to reach the goals that their leaders wanted them to achieve. But you see, it can be done. And now you want to think Toxic relationships are good. Do you listen to yourself? Being fantasy isn't bad. But choose to express it appropriately.

Fantasy isn't bad. But you should show both sides. Like, is this kind of relationship good? If you make everyone feel like Even if people abuse you, no matter how bad, they do it because they love you. And you are at fault. Isn't it like we let him die? We adults know what is good and what is bad. But children perceive information differently than us. Even in this era, they say they're smart. But that doesn't mean they know everything like adults. And not all adults know everything either.

As I said Fantasy isn't bad. No matter how you fantasize, it's not wrong. But to scream at people who disagree with you Because he doesn't like your ship and then tries to put it in people's mouths and say, "You must like the toxic relationship too." It doesn't work. Scream, giving you satisfaction, but not too much. It's not difficult, right?

[teasdays]

Hi hello I'm your friendly neighbourhood ghost, can I pretty please have the context about Wilbur abuse??? If you are ok with it of course , And thank you, I hope you are having a great day

hi hello ghost! Yeah no worries, I bet it's... difficult to wade through everything that's been going on

So last week, Shubble (streamer, she/they) hosted a stream about their experiences with an unnamed abuser. You can watch it here (if you prefer to read, turn on CC & read the transcript). It's a pretty hard-hitting video, and people pretty immediately guessed that it was, in fact, Wilbur Soot. He's since confirmed it himself in a statement/kind of apology (?) which u can find on his twitter... Shubble has, understandably, rejected it.

That's the short answer!

Uh for a longer one lol, there's more info here: this is an EXCELLENT conversation Shubble had (before W*lbur was officially named) with her friend lexiemariex. They both talk about the abuse and misogyny they've faced as women dating within the streaming community. Neither of them named anyone at this point either, and I actually haven't had time to watch the whole thing yet !! But about 45 minutes in so far they have both shared a lot of really important perspectives on domestic abuse, their experiences as victims (in their words) during & in recovery from those relationships, and about the really harmful norms within streaming.

Just to add a couple comments of my own: if a community is MAINLY dominated by white cis men, that's usually NOT a coincidence; it's usually (at least partly) because the environment is hostile to diversity. Several other people have also come forward about negative experiences with Shubble's ex in particular, but I REALLY think--personally--that it is a mistake to focus just on him. He is, for better or worse, Just Some Guy: it REALLY sounds like his behaviours reflect a deeply harmful culture within streaming. We can't and should not try to cancel all streamers, obviously! But... if we REALLY want to centre survivors? We need to hold the whole community accountable for the CULTURE they've gotten comfortable with.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that all white men in streaming are malicious people, who only want to hurt/abuse/have power over the weak & helpless women in their sphere. But there's been writing on the wall for a long time: there's a lot of casual misogyny that we HAVE seen streamers ignore, even if they wouldn't (necessarily...) make those jokes themselves. I do NOT have receipts on hand lol, but that's been my observation over the years. So I think it's... too simplistic to say that Shubble's ex, and lexie's, were just outliers. A couple of bad eggs.

We can cancel them, and exile them from streaming, sure--fine. We certainly don't owe anyone a platform. But we also NEED to look beyond the individual people & understand that every single one of them is a product of their culture and community.

tl;dr Shubble's ex is shitty, for sure, but he's not the whole problem! He's a symptom.

oh omg last thing actually: as people navigate how to respond to unfeminist/antifeminist content creators, I'd like to recommend Roxane Gay's perspective in Bad Feminist (excerpt here). As people who consume media, we have to understand that our consumption will always be imperfect, because (again) the problems are deeply embedded in like. the whole culture . We can & will continue to work for a better future, but in the meantime we've gotta forgive ourselves & our comrades for being imperfect <3