#otp: two of us on the run

[anghraine]

I know it's well-understood at this point that Kirk/Spock is much more of a nerd4nerd ship than a nerd/jock thing, but it's just been kind of percolating around my mind that both of them aren't just space nerds but space nerds who were personally bullied.

Like, 18-year-old Kirk was targeted by an older bully who combines "total asshole" with "the most grating man in existence":

MCCOY: Well, yeah, I'm beginning to feel a little bit picked-on, if that's what you mean. KIRK: I know the feeling very well. I had it at the Academy. An upperclassman there. One practical joke after another, and always on me. My own personal devil. A guy by the name of Finnegan. MCCOY: And you being the very serious young— KIRK: Serious? I'll make a confession, Bones. I was absolutely grim, which delighted Finnegan no end.

This was five years after Kirk survived a genocide, btw, and likely well before his stint as an Academy instructor known to be strict and demanding (which is the period the "stack of books with legs" description of him comes from). By the time he's 33, fifteen years after all this, it turns out one of his deepest fantasies is just beating the shit out of his bully, but only if he can do it According To The Rules (the replica of Finnegan sneers, "Always fight fair, don't you? True officer and gentleman, you").

Spock, meanwhile, is viciously targeted by his Vulcan peers for being biracial from at least age 5; he's described as being tormented by other boys by that age, and "at home nowhere except Starfleet." I think he'd have been 18 or 19 when he left for Starfleet and it's... the least bad of his options, but he seems to have spent his entire career among humans and being persistently subjected to raw racism and profound disrespect for his culture at every turn.

Like, their histories of being metaphorically shoved into lockers are not identical or anything, but I think it's interesting that they both have them.

[recurring-polynya]

"Just do as you're told," Mogget said firmly. "Think of yourself as Abhorsen's sworn sword-hand, if it makes you feel better, though in this present era, you'll find common sense is more important than honor. "Very well", Touchstone muttered, humbly. He stood up and put on the underclothes and shirt, but couldn't get the trousers past his heavily muscled thighs. "There's a kilt and leggings in one of the chests back there," Mogget said after watching Touchstone hopping around on one leg, the other trapped in too-tight leather."

if you, as an author, aren't introducing your male love interests like this, what are you even doing with your life?

(from Sabriel, by Garth Nix)

[pinkiemachine]

Batman’s love interests 💕 OooohooHOO!

Okay, so in Gotham Files, it’s going to be canon that Bruce dated all of these women at some point in time, because he is a billionaire playboy philanthropist.

First off, there’s Zatanna, and they dated briefly back in high school. It didn’t work out because Bruce was still very much not in a good place, still grappling with the loss of his parents, being the “Prince of Gotham,” etc, etc. So they grew apart and went their separate ways. (This is Z when she was 18-20ish)

Vicki was his college flame. (Side note, this pic is Vicki when she’s an adult, in [current year] of the tv show.) Anyway, they had their fun, but Bruce was really just trying medicate his ✨ trauma ✨ and his ✨ feelings ✨ with good times, and it quickly became apparent that they weren’t a real solid couple in the ways that matter. So, by the time they graduated, they had already broken up. They both knew what paths in life they were taking, and they were going in two different directions.

Then there’s the fan-favourite, Talia Al Ghul. After college, Bruce went on his world travels, did a bunch of soul searching, learned a lot of skills, had a lot of teachers, vented a lot of his anger, and wound up learning under Ra’s Al Ghul in the League of Shadows, and wouldn’t you know it, he has a daughter and they kinda dig each other. It was probably the most passionate relationship Bruce had ever had up until that point, and he might have pursued her all the way… if it weren’t for the whole death cult thing… So, even though they had great chemistry, their moral codes were simply not aligned at all, and so it was destined to fail.

Theme: Clarity, covered by Sam Tsui

Then, when Bruce got back to Gotham, he wound up running into an old childhood friend of his, Silver St. Cloud. She’s a member of the Gotham upper class, they knew each other as kids, and I’m thinking it might be cute if she was always crushing on him back then, like that one girl who would just openly say things like, ���Marry me!” and it’s super cute, but the feelings are NOT reciprocated XD Anyway, this relationship will only last a short while, and I haven’t decided if I want to play it straight, or use it for comedic purposes, or do both, but it’ll be fun either way.

Theme: Crowded Room by Meghan Trainor

Finally, there’s Selina, who needs little introduction. She is the end game. She is my OTP. The bus stops here. I give you, Mrs. Wayne.

Theme: Never Not Love You by Michael Buble

[5sospenguinqueen]

Post Tension | Charles Leclerc x McLaren! Reader

Summary: Back in the same country, Charles realises that the most important thing isn't winning; it's that he was wrong.

Warnings: Swearing, female reader, Verstappen! Reader. Tooth-rotting fluff.

This is the final part!

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

Main Masterlist

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YourUserName just posted

liked by arthur_leclerc, kellypiquet and others

YourUserName something in the orange tells me we're not done

7,956 comments

user1 excuse me, miss thing?!?!

user2 not miss verstappen posting this on media day when charles and her were spotted in the background of each other's interviews

francisca.cgomes that silhoutte pic is serving 🔥

user3 just me or does that bear have a ferrari hoodie on

user4 he is not the love of your life. he is literally just a guy. hit him with your car

→ user1 nah 'cause does anyone else think charles would run her off the track if she got ahead of him again

→ user5 wtf that's his girlfriend? he wouldn't try and hurt her

→ user6 he did push max in a puddle once

lilymhe @/alex_albon why don't you buy me this stuff

→ alex_albon because you don't support mclaren

→ YourUserName excuse me?!?! what is this betrayal

→ lilymhe @/YourUserName i can explain

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user7 mum and dad putting those cheating rumours to rest

user8 y/n a stronger woman than me because i would've keyed his car for implying i was sleeping with my teammate

→ user9 actually it was arthur who implied that

→ user10 don't drag baby leclerc into this. he was fighting in the trenches alongside us for his otp

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scuderiaferrari just posted

liked by pierregasly, carlossainz55 and others

scuderiaferrari p4 and p8. a strong weekend for the tifosi 💪 tagged: charles_leclerc, carlossainz55

6,459 comments

user9 i can't decide what i want to ride more

user10 scoring some points in azerbaijan. well done, team

charles_leclerc why are you not posting the photos of me being #1 wag

→ YourUserName because this account doesn't post papaya, liefje

→ charles_leclerc no excuse

→ lilymhe because you are not #1 wag, clearly i am the only wag for @/YourUserName

→ charles_leclerc defamation

→ YourUserName @/lilymhe you tell 'em, bby

→ alex_albon i leave you alone for two seconds and you're stealing my girlfriend again

User 11 be still my beating heart

mclaren just posted

liked by charles_leclerc, georgerussell63 and others

mclaren p3 and p5. roll on the points for team papaya (ft mclaren's #1 wag) tagged: YourUserName

7,321 comments

mclaren we apologise for interrupting your regularly scheduled papaya posts with a splash of red but you'll never guess who this racer was looking at to make him smile like that

→ maxverstappen1 sickening

→ charles_leclerc i am honoured to be awarded such a prestigious title by team mclaren

→ landonorris does this mean i can stop pretending to like y/n now?

→ charles_ leclerc @/landonorris no

→ YourUserName @/landonorris no. you're my emotional support pookie

user11 so proud of our papayas. they did so good this weekend

user12 i'd let y/n hit me with her car

liked by charles_leclerc

victoriaverstappen couldn't be prouder of you! 💕

maxverstappen1 just posted

liked by victoriaverstappen, kellypiquet and others

maxverstappen1 a disappointing dnf but very pleased for the less-famous verstappen 🧡

8,066 comments

redbullracing still made us proud. we'll come back stronger in france

kellypiquet well done y/n. p was cheering you on

→ YourUserName tell her i'm coming over for a pizza party soon! 🥰

YourUserName i swear he loves me really, guys

→ charles_leclerc well he threatened to run me off the track if i didn't fix things so i'd say he does

→ maxverstappen1 for legal reasons, this is a joke

→ YourUserName ah, so that's why you apologised. not because of your undying love for me

landonorris feel like that should say the more talented verstappen liked by YourUserName liked by charles_leclerc

danielricciardo don't let this fool you. the man was close to tears when y/n was p1 with just one lap to go

→ danielricciardo and then cried when her tire burst

→ danielricciardo and then cried when she finished p3

→ maxverstappen1 i'll sue you for defemation

→ User13 the grid seemed to have learned a new word this week

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YourUserName just posted

liked by landonorris, maxverstappen1 and others

YourUserName ik houd van je tagged: charles_leclerc

6,124 comments

charles_lecerlc je sais

→ YourUserName never going to let me forget that one, are you

→ charles_leclerc no

→ maxverstappen1 no

→ danielricciardo no

→ landonorris no

→ arthur_leclerc no

→ pierregasly no

→ victoriaverstappen no

→ lilymhe no

YourUserName how about everybody get off my dick

→ YourUserName my only friends here are the lovely ladies thirsting over my hot boyfriend with me

→ user14 you tell 'em, honey

charles_leclerc just posted

liked by landonorris, redbullracing and others

charles_lecerlc as the people on twitter say, i would let y/n hit me with her car

8,593 comments

maxverstappen1 my eyes 🤮

→ charles_leclerc look away! i was going to block you for this

→ maxverstappen1 block me forever

YourUserName wow, not even a tag.

→ charles_leclerc everyone knows who you belong to, mon amour

→ YourUserName yeah, the guy who invented ice cream

→ landonorris @/charles_leclerc at least you know what to do if the racing thing doesn't work out

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Thank you for all the support shown on this series. I never expected such a response when I posted my silly little fic.

I've had so much fun making these. I have a few more ideas coming up but not loads so if you have any, please do request and I'll try my best to do them justice! <3

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Tag list: @mehrmonga @luvsforme @lemon-lav @missenclod @halleest @formula1mount @k4marina @evie-119 @letmeseeyougotowork @sleepybrokenmelle @eiaaasamantha @tinyhrry @janeholt3 @allywthsr @callsignwidow @raizelchrysanderoctavius @prudyhoo @valentinanappipage @leah-also-known-as-creatoronwp @delululeclerc @e-nonsense @scott-mccall-could-lift-mjolnir @butterfliesflyaroundmymind @bloodyymaryyy @kqliie @lifeless-firefly @woozarts @silverxxs-world @personwhoisther @eugene-emt-roe @anthonykatebridgerton @qualitygiantshoepsychic @entr4p3 @carpediem241108 @forevercaffeinated-lee @xyzstar @theendofthematerialgworl @geniusalpaca @chfiosr

[dangermousie]

First Half of 2025 Year In Review - cdrama edition...

I normally do these at the end of the year, but I have watched so many cdramas this year, I am going to have to split this in some way. This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2025 so far; if I watched it but it was made in a different year, it’s not on the list. As always, very subjective.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

(46) Serendipity - if boils were a drama, this would be it.

(45) A Prime Minister’s Disguise - it's stupid, it's cheap, it's a waste of anyone's time.

(44) Everlasting Longing - more like evelasting boring with some truly terrible acting and nonsense writing (at least they did us a mercy and put two equally wooden actors opposite each other.)

(43) The Seized Destiny - at one point a man wears cat ears. That's it, that's the highlight.

(42) Love Beyond the Curse - dumb even for a vampire mini and that's a low standard indeed.

(41) Destiny and Saving - sounds like a bank branch, would probably be more fun if it was.

(40) I am nobody 2 - I loved the first season but this just didn't click for me.

(39) Filter - I love you, Tan Jianci but not even for you. At one point, FL is a llama.

(38) Destiny of Love: and snoring.

(37) Phoenix's Gambit: Love or Crown - just like its name, couldn't make up its mind what it wanted to be.

(36) Love and Sword - Gao Weiguang is hot. Unfortunately not hot enough to melt one's brain which is what you'd need to enjoy this dumb mess.

(35) Les Belles - More like La Bete. Because it's la bete of a drama.

(34) Eat Run Love - tried to go for Lighter and Princess, Walmart edition, failed at even that.

(33) Love Never Fails - until it does.

(32) Youthful Glory - cute and harmless. So is a bunny and that's at least nice to pet.

(31) Dominion and Devotion - a mini tried to be a proper palace drama which is I suppose praiseworthy but not what I watch minis for.

(30) Si Jin - A girlbossing story that made me decide I'd rather watch a drama with not a single woman than this type of female centric story and also that Jing Tian is a beautiful woman who doesn't click for me and Zhang Wanyi really needs to stop playing the same role over and over.

(29) The Best Thing - fluffy and plotless but oddly soothing.

(28) Blazing Elegance - this is like the trashiest 1980s romance novel imaginable but set in 1930s China. I had so much fun but did I respect myself in the morning? Hmmm.

(27) Guardians of the Dafeng - too goofy for my liking for most of its run but that ending!!!!!!

(26) Flourished Peony - solidly acted but alas the narrative did not grab me and ML really made no sense as a period character.

(25) Moonlight Mystique - main story pointless, the palette vomit inducing but oh the secondary OTP stole the show and my heart.

(24) Bound by Sin - softcore with submissive ML and domme FL. Wild for most of its run until it tries to acquire respectability late in its run.

(23) Such a Good Love - tried to be artsy ended up just boring.

(22) To Love or To Defy - FL is an assassin getting distracted by an honorable prince. The logic is utterly absent but the fun is fun.

(21) Once Upon a Dream - fakecest is the flavor of the day - why date out of the family when your adopted brother is right there, has great hair and dubious notions of consent? This one is very pretty.

(20) The Prisoner of Love - he tortures her, then she tortures him and on and on and on - the usual. Featuring a couple where FL rides off into wedded bliss with the man who murdered her parents.

(19) Stolen Love - someone watched Kunning and decided to write a Yan Lin AU, honest. I liked it but it did get repetitive and FL is kinda brain dead.

(18) Sadistic Love - despite the name, a surprisingly not psychotic love story with fakecest and a lot of gay vibes.

(17) The First Frost - a modern about broken up lovers reconnecting, this was a masterpiece for 3/4 of its run and then made a narrative decision so stupid it ruined the drama for me.

(16) Hidden Love - not the ZLS flufffest, this is full on fakecest delight. FL's two choices are ML who she thinks is her half brother (he turns out not to be) and her actual half brother. As it goes.

(15) A Love Never Lost - I think, if I were objective, this is the best drama this year. It is not my favorite for very subjective reasons but God, what a masterpiece about an epoch. Bleak ending, characters who ranged from complex and controversial to complex and unlikable (still in awe of Li Xian taking on THAT role - Liang Xiang was complex, larger than life, driven, smart and a monster who was a rapist and a betrayer) and the death of Yang Kaizhi (Wei Daxun) a rare moment that made me cry when I rarely get this moved by dramas.

(14) Kill My Sins - a thoroughly adult story of loss and vengeance, with Liu Shi Shi and Shawn Dou sparking with each other as equally ruthless and equally damaged souls who find kinship (this is a drama where they never even kiss or confess but when they call each other "soulmate" you FELT it.) So good!

(13) Always My General - like some of my favorite web novels made into a drama. FL is a woman pretending to be a man and becoming a legendary general, ML is a prince who loves her either way - so delicious. My fave mini of the year.

(12) The Glory - a Gothic and female-centric tale of vengeance and dysfunctional families, this is a story with characters shockingly manipulative and dark. It made Chen Duling a bigger star and well-deservedly so - her abused, violent and brittle protagonist is the person who the show rests on. It did drag a little in the middle but then came back swinging in the end.

(11) A Moment But Forever - in a year that gave me a lot of awesome xianxias, this one does not disappoint. A depressed and abused philosophy major meets a literal and cheerful engineering major - xianxia style. Liu Xueyi is gorgeous and Tang Yan a delight but what really hits is a surprisingly solid story about divinity, life and forgiveness.

(10) Perfect Match - Jane Austen but frothier, this tale of a widow moving with her four marriageable daughters to the capital where the fifth married daughter lives, this is a souffle with a love story for every taste and delightful bit of sisterly love on top. Pick your favorite romance! (Mine is fourth sister and her judge husband.)

(9) Love of the Divine Tree - it's like someone watched TTEOTM and went "this is how it should go instead." Our heroine is a master who finds feral, hot, abuser demon child and cat hero and decides to give him therapy via a petting zoo and chores.

(8) The Demon Hunter's Romance - just a solid lovely tale that includes some genuinely adult, common sense interactions and characters and a wildly creative take on demons and their stories.

(7) The Prisoner of Beauty - finally released out of the dungeon, this story of arranged marriage between members of feuding clans turned to love is a delight, held mainly by sane interactions and insane chemistry between Liu Yuning and Song Zuer.

(6) Love in Pavilion - do you like gorgeous pain? Come right in. Do you like doomed love in many varieties and incredible visuals and a totally gonzo set up? This is everything Red Moon Pact should have been but was not.

(5) The Blossoming Love - the best xianxia of them all in a very solid xianxia year, this story of a demoness and the perfect saint of the cultivating world goes hard on an incredible OTP and some glorious destroy the pantheon energy. Our Male Lead is not an atheist who does not believe in gods. No, he knows they are real and he WILL end them.

(4) Under the Moonlight - came out of nowhere to own my heart. This tale of a former courtesan assisting in cases in the yamen, a sheltered noble son who gets involved and the upright commissioner is everything - smart and moving and with so many points about class and gender (that is not preachy in the least.) It's realistic in a way most dramas are not and deals with portions of society dramas often don't, but it makes you both think and feel.

(3) Eternal Brotherhood 2: second year in a row a season of this drama misses top spot by the skin of its teeth. This grim, smart feudal-world-at-war and the three sworn brothers who deal with it drama comes back with more hard choices, brotherhood, love kept and lost and some insane cinematography and acting

(1 tie) Legend of Zang Hai - sometimes a huge hit starring a big star IS actually all that and a bag of chips, and this is that rare example. Ostensibly a story about vengeance, this is actually a smart, emotionally riveting character study about selfishness and selflessness, damage, kindness and evil. The script is tight, the direction impeccable and the performances out of this world. Xiao Zhan as the containedly insane focus and maelstrom of all the madness gives a performance I will long remember.

(1) The White Olive Tree - a modern is my n1 drama of the year? The world is coming to an end. The story of a journalist and bomb disposal expert who meet, fall in love in, and are destroyed by trauma in a war zone is a masterpiece. It's delicate, it's hopeful, it's heartbreaking. It also is a vanishingly rare portrayal of trauma that does not have pat solutions or easy outs. It's a romance and a tragedy in the classic Greek sense of the word, especially for the ML whose very idealism and goodness are what make him both perfect and unsuitable for helping and that ultimately take him down.

FAVORITE DRAMA

It's a tie:

The White Olive Tree - for the first time in ever, since I first started watching cdramas in 2007 - my favorite cdrama is a modern. Yeah, I know. Flawless from beginning to end, with literally nothing I'd change, this love story and character story is unflinching in its portrayal of love and trauma. Everyone gives a great performance but it's anchored by a genuinely jaw dropping performance from CZY as shattered idealist Li Zan.

Legend of Zang Hai - that rare beast - both smart and emotional, with gorgeous cinematography and impeccable acting, this really shows the cost and burden of revenge and makes you hope against hope for happiness and healing.

WORST DRAMA

Serendipity - this is what eating a plastic bag must feel like. Dumb plot, terrible look, horrible acting, hideous ML etc etc. Where do I start.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Li Zan (Chen Zheyuan), The White Olive Tree - one of the three male performances and characters of the year for me. Li Zan starts the story as a shining light and ends a broken wreck and it's an epic performance throughout - it shows how uncomfortable it is to love a saint but it also shows this saint as human in all his complexity and drive; it makes idealism human - it's intense and haunting and you can't look away whether you are swooning or crying.

Zang Hai (Xiao Zhan), Legend of Zang Hai - I so rarely find actors with such huge and intense fanbases worth the hype, but XZ really is worth it. This performance of traumatized, vengeance-driven but unable to get rid of his soft heart Zang Hai was incredible - so many scenes that just had me jaw-droppingly in awe.

Liang Xiang (Li Xian), A Love Never Lost - Li Xian owns the role of a magnetic larger than life monstrous mover and shaker of the end of Qing. The man is a rapist and a murderer; he's also a filial son, a supremely competent leader and a terrifying kind of an idealist. This is not a role any idol-adjacent actor normally takes but Li Xian is incredible in the role.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Luo Shu (Hu Bingqing), Under the Moonlight - she is so complex, so strong, so haunted. Very much a gender swapped "haunted, tough man with a cause falls for a sheltered kind woman" set up for her and her OTP but what I love even more is she's not defined by romance.

Xiao Qiao (Song Zuer), The Prisoner of Beauty - she made a soft spoken, largely internalized character irresistible. I loved her from beginning to end.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

99% of the people in A Moment But Forever - I am Team Apocalypse for that one. Truly awful horrors, whether the torturing selfish immortal sect, the useless deities, the evil war demons who created the worst society possible or the gross humans. Kill them all!

Beast Kingdom people in Love in Pavilion - we would not have the tragedy without them.

And, as last year, City Lord from Eternal Brotherhood 2.

BEST BAD GUY

When Deng Wei's character in Tree, Zhang Bin Bin's in TBL or Liu Xueyi's in Moment go evil, they automatically become 10x hotter and seeing they were already hot to start with...but my favorite is Lord Jiuhuo (Charles Lin) in Love in Pavilion - that man was willing to wreck the world for love and he was epic doing it. My favorite part of LiP.

“HAROLD, THEY ARE LESBIANS” AWARD

And Chen Duling is in this one for the second year in a row - Zhuang Hanyan (CDL) x Chai Jing (Jinna Fu) in The Glory are 100% a couple, with frankly as many couple scenes and set ups as the ostensibly canon het OTP.

“HOW DID CENSORS NAP THROUGH THIS” AWARD

Honestly, any mini would be on this list (have you SEEN the sex scenes in Blazing Elegance?) but if we are talking "proper" dramas, let's go with The Glory, which let all sorts of awful, murdery characters get a happy ending.

MALE LEAD MOST LIKELY TO BE BROUGHT HOME TO MOTHER

No, thank you! The few modern ones she’d not approve of (Li Zan is likely to leave you a young widow and Sang Yan from TFF would never decouple from his girl anyway) and the period ones are no go since few moms would be keen on wild-eyed, bloodied sons in law however hot and long haired they may be.

FAVORITE SHIP

The White Olive Tree - idealists who love each other more than life but that love is not enough to fix them.

Kill My Sins - they don't kiss, they don't confess, they barely touch. And yet the soulmate compatibility and the chemistry just pour off the screen. I was feral whenever they were within two feet of each other.

Legend of Zang Hai - not a ship centric show and sometimes these make the best ships. I would lose it when they even touched palms. They are both damaged and wary (and he's borderline nuts from trauma) and watching them dance around and get their hearts broken and healed was...

The Blossoming Love - taking on Gods in any life and form and so ride or die and sexy and AAAAAAAA

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Many excellent choices this year (the cursed cultivators in The Blossoming Loves, all the secondary OTPs in Love in Pavilion, First and Fourth couples in Perfect Match) but the winner is the haunted, dysfunctional, intense, doomed secondary OTP of Moonlight Mystique. I finished that drama solely for them.

NOTP

Serendipity - I really don't want to waste more time on this toxic dump of a drama so all I am gonna say is they made fakecest, my fave trope, boring!

HOTTEST SCENE

Blazing Elegance - all their sex scenes are insane but also the aphrodisiac scenes in Love in Pavilion take the cake for sheer intensity and the baby making in ep 32 of The Prisoner of Beauty because phew boy!

FAVORITE SCENE

Li Zan's breakdown in the hospital and the aftermath when he tells FL the truth in The White Olive Tree. That scene? Shivers.

Zang Hai emerging out of the tomb in Legend of Zang Hai - the breakdown, the manipulation are epic. The epic Greek tragedy of the Marquis' death.

In Eternal Brotherhood 2, Di Lin arriving to rescue his brothers at Payu; or his kneeling to Xiujia's pregnant stomach, his hands gentle on it, promising to come back.

Liu Xueyi's madness in the hole in A Moment but Forever - LXY is an actor who's often too good for his dramas and this scene shows how good he can be as he's going mad and confronting his inner demons.

The First Frost ultimately fell apart for me, but the scene of teen Sang Yan watching Wen Yifan dance on the rooftop he equipped for her is what swooning over poetry feels like.

BIGGEST CRUSH

We are gonna go in the most opposite way possible: the law abiding, incredibly decent, rather rigid Fourth Husband, Perfect Match and Di Lin in Eternal Brotherhood 2 - the man is ideal husband, a terrifying beast in battle and just all around sex on legs.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Zhuang Zhixing (Zhou Qi), Legend of Zang Hai - the sole decent person in that family of monsters, he stole my heart and his arc OMG!

BEST COSTUMES AND WIGS

Costumes: Legend of Zang Hai - real embroidery, and costumes that look real.

Wigs: I am gonna be weird here and say Kill My Sins.

MOST EXTRA OUTFIT

Honestly, most have been fairly sane but Feud should fix it.

FAVORITE SECONDARY ML

General Yun in Eternal Brotherhood 2 - Si Yilin x Ka Dan were my n1 OTP in s1 and yet the man's honor and willingless to risk his life to protect Ka Dan without expecting anything has got me almost switching ships.

MOST BLATANT INNUENDO MOMENT

It hasn't aired yet but we all saw that poster for Feud, with Bai Lu fondling Zeng Shunxi's enormous...sword:

FAVORITE 2025 CDRAMA SONG

Chen Xueran's Moonlight Dance from The White Olive Tree. You have no idea how much I listened to it.

MVP OF THE YEAR

Song Zuer, who beat her tax allegations (already a miracle) and came back with two awesome dramas.

ACTING SURPRISE

So many great performances, but I am gonna go with Chen Zheyuan in The White Olive Tree. He's been solid in so many awful dramas but I never knew he could be such a revelation

NEEDS A SEQUEL

The Demon Hunter's Romance - not really but would be fun. And EB2 likely since I cannot see how they will wrap the novel's story in the remaining number of eps.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

Serendipity - in addition to all its other sins, this simply cannot support 40 eps.

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

Surprisingly none, I think dramas have adjusted to the 40 ep limit.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Same as last year - the emperor cannot be irredeemable. WTF, China, you are a communist country! Though they are nibbling at the edges this year. Also fake feminism - I am all for girl power but not when it’s ridiculously anachronistic for the period with no explanation at all. And finally NO MORE TRADE DRAMAS PLS PLS PLS

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Men (and women) knowingly fighting for a doomed cause because otherwise they’d cease to be who they are. Or if we are being shallow all the beautiful men in chains.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

The First Frost: it was so exquisite for about 2/3 and then the Hong Kong arc happened (and was not in the book; the adaptation was faithful so far so nothing heralded it) and ruined the whole drama. It negated the development, the themes, the characters - it made me dislike both leads and the way the narrative never addressed it made the whole story utterly fall apart.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The White Olive Tree, Under the Moonlight, A Moment but Forever, The Demon Hunter's Romance - this has been a year of surprises, so many of my top dramas weren't on my radar at all.

2025 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

I have honestly watched everything I wanted so far.

BEST NON-2025 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2025

Do you think I have the time? Ahahahaha

MOST ANTICIPATED

Love in the Clouds, Legend of the Female General, Moonlit Reunion, A Dream within a Dream, Hidden Shadow, Shadow Love, You Sheng You Ya, The Princess' Gambit, Feud, Fated Hearts, Love and Crown

[jevilowo]

MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS TF2 SHIPS

For funsies

SCIENCE PARTY:

fun ship, but they're GodComplex4GodComplex and I fear that would only end in disaster

TOASTED SANDVICH:

if there is one heavypyro fan on this stupid baka planet it is me. shout out to menacing quiet individuals who like violence but have a soft side fr.

BLOODY SUIT:

literally The Original toxic yaoi rivals to lovers red blue combo ship. speeding bullet and napoleon complex fans WISH they had our shared update and corresponding voice lines

BATTING HELMET: (scout n solly)

i just think it's really funny trust me on this one guys. have you seen them in the fourth comic it's a constant "yes, and" bit between the two of them. soldier's love language is choking people out.

HIT AND A MISS: (scout n pauling)

like most ms pauling ships, i'm only into it if scout's a cool lesbian. which he is not most of the time.

RED OKTOBERFEST:

AAAAAAAAAAAAA literally the ship of all time save me heavymedic save me. if they don't smooch in the next comic i will become jay pinkerton's personal sleep paralysis demon.

SPEEDING BULLET:

my feelings on it are Complicated. twas my first love (otp) in this fandom, but the overabundance of twinky uwu scout and daddy dom snoipah has built up some resentment on my part. call me back when people stop making up imaginary life problems for sniper to comfort scout over.

NAPOLEON COMPLEX: (Spy n Engie)

literally just rarjack if they were boys and not horses to me and i'm not even an mlp fan. it's alright, just doesn't really stick out to me.

SPYMA:

LITERALLY THE POWERCOUPLE EVER TRULY A LOVE STORY FOR THE AGES or at least the version that exists in my head is. i have so much made up spyma lore it's crazyyy. bonus points if they're polying up they cule with sniper it's quickly becoming my favourite genre of fanart (i have seen at maximum three)

SUPPORT SANDWICH: (spy n sniper n medic)

in my opinion, it is healthy for everyone to have at least one ship they just like bc they think it's hot. for me, that is support sandwich. not much else to say on that the fics are all banging go look them up.

SNIDOS: (sniper n GLaDOS)

hell yeah.

ADMINPAULING:

i used to like it a lot, but timelining implies ms pauling's been working for helen since her mid teens at the latest so i no longer like it. 4chan leaks my beloathed pleaseee don't make them kiss i think it would kill me in a bad way

URINE SAMPLE: (medic n sniper)

there's a lot of werewolf and vampire stuff for these two on ao3 which is pretty fun. and i'm way more likely to find sniper angst under the medicsniper tag than sb and bs which is always a plus.

FRENCH TOAST: (spyro)

have you seen that one animation where pyro gives birth to spy's child and gordon freeman is there at one point. yeahhhh. the ship's pretty cute tho spy would be sooo soft for pyro they'd light his cigarettes for him.

BOOTS AND BOMBS:

THE FORBIDDEN RED/BLU ROMANCE GOES CRAZY I ADORE IT. same team bnb is pretty banging too. bonus points if they're polying up they cule with zhanna.

SPYPAULING:

HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE. imagine. spy x pauling. yuri. that will be all.

SWORDVAN:

SWORDVAN MY LOVE!!! idk what it is about demo and sniper together but HELL YEAH TOP 5 SHIPS FR FR. shout out to the guy still writing monsterous intent, they're like single handedly carrying the swordvandom.

TEXAS TOAST:

I used to think "this is cute" but then my friend got really really into it and that hyped me up into "THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST SHIPS OF ALL TIME" territory. bonus points if they're yuri! shout out to Technicolor California, my current favourite fanfic of all time (it overtook running blind in the interal rankings). oh yeah insert mandatory "no hate to engie and pyro father son dynamic preferers" message here lol.

Ok that's enough I will cover more at some point maybe.

[sageandred]

*(These aren't for me.) I was bored and made 1 of my own of these (:

(made specifically for all who reblog) >>>

OTP + CHARACTER ASK

Send a ship + a number and get an answer.

1. Who is the better cook?

2. Who gets up to cook at 2am?

3. Are they into PDA? Who initiates most?

4. Their favorite show to watch together?

5. Who is the cheesier one of the two?

6. Who is always, always running late?

7. Who's clumsier?

8. Who is a morning person? Who is a night owl?

9. Who travels lighter?

10. Who is always reminding the other not to forget important documents/general things before leaving out the door?

11. Who leaves notes in the other one's lunch? (Bonus: what do they say?)

12. Who prefers calling to texting (& vice versa)? Bonus: Who is so bad at texting it made the other think they weren't interested when they first started hanging out? [This could be hypothetical as much as real].

13. Stay home/go-out? What are their date nights like?

14. Who falls asleep during a movie?

15. Who's the first to cry during movies that don't seem sad?

16. Who hogs the covers?

17. Who is more competitive?

18. What are they like when they're drunk? How do they act together? & when 1 is drunk, while the other one's sober?

19. What do they fight about most often? (Alternative: what was their biggest fight?)

20. Who randomly brings home a stray puppy/kitten to adopt?

21. Any routines one has that the other had to get used to (ex. morning, nighttime, sleeping habits)?

22. Love languages? How do they get around differences, if any?

23. Who initiates cuddling more?

24. Sleeping/cuddling positions? (Big spoon, little spoon, etc.)?

25. (a lil sappy, but..) What do they like about each other?

26. Who is prone to road rage?

27. Craziest place they had sex?

28. Who always steals the other's food? How does their partner react to it?

29. First date? (Give as much or little detail)

30. Pet names? Yes or no?

31. How do they spend their anniversary?

32. Who's so affectionate they can't stop touching the other?

33. What is their wedding day like?

34. How do they cheer the other one up during sad times?

35. What are their tastes in music?

36. Who is more protective?

37. Who wanted to see Oppenheimer; who Barbie? Did they switch opinions after?

38. If/when they have kids, what is their parenting style (or pets-who does what)?

39. Do they get along with the other's family? If not, how do they deal with the other's family?

40. Who is the skilled shopper for holidays? Who always waits 'til the last minute to get all of their gifts? (Which one gets stressed out easily)?

[wendichester]

hey gurl would you do a part 2 to a crush pls?? it may or may not have been me that requested it 🤣 could you maybe write it so he ends up asking her out on a date or they end up having a movie night in/home date kinda thing?? maybe they cook together or something?? i trust your decision because your writing is amazing 🩷

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚ a crush²,

summary. sam has a crush and finally has the guts to do something about it.

pairing. sam winchester x reader

wordcout. 701

notes. okay, but you're slowly but steadily becoming my otp. and I could see this turning out into a full-blown 50k fic

𓂃⋆.˚ part 1

Later that night, Sam finds himself pacing in the kitchen, trying to summon the courage to follow Dean’s advice. The idea of asking you out feels like standing at the edge of a cliff, heart pounding and unsure if the leap will end in flight or a crash.

“You’re overthinking it,” Dean says from the doorway, arms crossed as he leans casually against the frame. “Just do it already.”

Sam glares at him. “Could you not?”

Dean smirks but holds up his hands in surrender. “Fine. But if you wait too long, you’ll miss your shot.”

Sam groans, running a hand through his hair. He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and takes a deep breath. Before he can talk himself out of it, he heads to the library, where he finds you exactly where you were earlier—feet up on the couch, headphones back on, and nose buried in the journal.

This time, though, he doesn’t linger at the edge of the room. He clears his throat, and when you glance up, he flashes you a small, nervous smile.

“Hey,” he says. “Got a minute?”

You pull your headphones down, giving him your full attention. “What’s up, Sammy?”

He shifts awkwardly, his fingers gripping the water bottle like it’s a lifeline. “I was, uh, wondering if you wanted to… hang out tonight. Just the two of us.”

Your brow quirks, a teasing smile tugging at your lips. “Hang out? Like a date?”

The question catches him off guard, but he nods, swallowing hard. “Yeah. Like a date.”

Your smile softens, and you close the journal, setting it aside. “I’d like that.”

Relief floods him, and he offers a lopsided grin. “Great. How about we make dinner? Together?”

“Sounds perfect,” you say, standing and stretching. “But just so you know, I’m rubbish in the kitchen.”

He chuckles, the tension in his shoulders easing. “That’s okay. I’ll take the lead.”

A short while later, the two of you are in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and debating the proper way to season a sauce. Sam works with practiced ease, and you do your best to follow his instructions, though you can’t resist sneaking tastes or cracking jokes to keep things light.

“You’re surprisingly good at this,” you say, watching him stir a pot with effortless grace.

He glances at you, his cheeks faintly pink. “I had to learn. Dean and I didn’t exactly grow up eating gourmet meals.”

“Still,” you say, leaning against the counter, “you make it look easy.”

Sam shrugs, a shy smile playing on his lips. “It’s nice to share it with someone.”

Your eyes meet, and for a moment, the air between you feels heavier.

After dinner is ready, you settle in the living room, plates balanced on your laps as a movie plays softly in the background. You’ve both kicked off your boots, and somewhere along the way, you ended up leaning against him, your head resting on his shoulder.

“This is nice,” you murmur, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah,” Sam agrees, his hand resting lightly on your knee. “It is.”

When the movie ends, neither of you moves. The warmth of his presence, the way his fingers trace absent patterns over your leg—it’s all too comforting to break.

“Sam?” you say after a while.

“Yeah?”

You tilt your head to look at him, your lips curving into a soft smile. “Thanks for tonight. I needed this.”

He smiles back, his hazel eyes warm and tender. “Me too.”

Before you can overthink it, you lean up and press a gentle kiss to his cheek. His breath catches, and when you pull back, he’s staring at you like he can’t quite believe you’re real.

“I really like you,” he says suddenly, the words tumbling out in a rush.

Your grin widens, and you tug him closer, your foreheads touching. “Good,” you whisper. “Because I really like you too.”

He kisses you then, slow and sweet, and it feels like the world has finally clicked into place.

That night, as you both clean up the kitchen and settle back on the couch for another movie, it’s clear that this is just the beginning of something good—something real.

want be part of the taglist.ᐣ ⋆.˚ ★— @iloveeveryoneyoureamazing ⋆ @deans-daydream ⋆ @ariasong11 ⋆ @ambiguous-avery ⋆ @itsdearapril ⋆ @whereiwakewarm ⋆ @nymphet-quenn ⋆ @bluemerakis ⋆ @titsout4jackles ⋆ @hauntedrose555 ⋆ @chevroletdean ⋆ @dulcescorderitas ⋆ @blackmarketfruitrollups

[expectiations]

She knew she wouldn't be surviving that expedition when the Doctor asked her who she was. Prior to that, she had been fairly upbeat and familiar with 10. Familiar enough to flirt with him. Familiar enough to be unbothered when he just coldly snapped at her to get out in response to her sweet greeting.

POTENTIAL SPOILERS BELOW!

I'm trying to remember which moot (and which site) I had yapped about over the familiarity with which River initially greeted 10 with in Silence in the Library coupled with the familiarity 11 had with River jumping out of spaceships. How that quietly points out the fact that 10 had spent a considerable amount of time with River between Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead and his subsequent regeneration into 11 and the 2nd time we, the audience, see her and the Doctor meet again in Time of Angels/Flesh of Stone.

We have the privileged glimpse into the 10River dynamic in the Name of the Doctor novelization, where we see 10 being at ease enough with River that he slipped into a bath (there were no bubbles[!!] in that bath despite popular illustrations depicting otherwise) with her. I would also like to bring to the table that he spent about seven hours with her doing Gallifrey knows what before leaving to solve the Zygon issue.

Why did I start yapping about this again? Oh yes, this version of River is, to me, the softest, most mature, and most alive (see what I did there) one. She's seen all the previous (and a few future) faces of the Doctor already (yes we include the ones she was forced to forget as well). She's spent 24 something years of precious downtime with her Doctor (the one who knows who she is to him, not a specific regeneration, as is the unfortunately usual misconception).

We see her diary and their screwdrivers a few feet away from where 10 was handcuffed (why does she even have handcuffs).

SHET. Enough. I can't be crying over this shit again.

Wait. I can make you sob with me. These lyrics are particularly fitting for that scene.

And the years passed Like scenes of a show The Professor said to write what you know Lookin' backwards Might be the only way to move forward Then the actors Were hitting their marks And the slow dance Was alight with the sparks And the tears fell In synchronicity with the score And at last She knew what the agony had been for

The only thing that's left is the manuscript One last souvenir from my trip to your shores Now and then I reread the manuscript But the story isn't mine anymore

– The Manuscript, Taylor Swift

Crying screaming shaking throwing up imagine being married to a time traveler and the younger version of him is an asshole to you because he hasn’t met you yet

I’d actually hit him over the head River has patience that I don’t

[eemamminy-art]

Year Of The OTP 2025 - June: “I can't get you out of my mind” Taken from a scene in chapter 22 of my fanfic, Coming Around Again.

~~~

“I think the wine made me sleepy…” Mallory pouted.

“Mhmm, another good reason for me not to drink it,” Alex shook his head with another small laugh.

“I said you don’t have to,” Mallory countered with fake offense.

“It makes me feel warm and fuzzy, like a little blanket wrapping around me from the inside out,” Mallory cooed sleepily, pulling his legs up onto the couch and leaning into Alex.

“What are you doing?” Alex asked hesitantly, his shoulders tensing up as Mallory melted into him.

“I said I feel sleepy,” he reminded with a small smile, his eyes half-lidded and dreamy. “And you look like a nice pillow if I ever saw one.”

“Yeah? Well you look like a dork to me,” Alex countered with a grin.

“I’m not hearing a ‘no’, so… I think I’ll sleep here, since you don’t mind,” Mallory said playfully, his voice soft as his drowsiness began to claim him.

Nuzzling into Alex’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around his thick waist, he let his eyes fall closed.

Alex was paralyzed, his muscles stiff as if any movement would shatter him and ruin everything. The movie still played on the TV, illuminating the room while both Alex and Mallory ignored it completely.

Within only minutes Mallory was asleep, breathing softly against Alex’s shoulder. Up close like this, Alex could appreciate his features better than ever— even if it was so dark in the room.

His lips were parted slightly, the faint scent of wine sweetly emanating from his mouth. His droopy eyes looked less sad when closed, more like the needles on an evergreen tree with how his eyelashes laid so uniformly across the tops of his cheeks. His nose was upturned and lightly freckled across the bridge of it from all the summer sun soaking into his skin. The season would change soon and they would fade, and Alex felt privileged to be able to see a fleeting glimpse of the blemishes on his cute face while they lasted.

It all felt so natural. Not just because they used to fall asleep on each other as kids, either. Something about it was different now, yet also the same. Familiar, but better.

As much as Alex had been overwhelmed with sexual thoughts about Mallory over the past couple of weeks, he had just as many that were tender too. Shifting his position carefully so as to not wake him, Alex adjusted himself so that he sat sideways on the couch too, leaning Mallory into his chest.

His breath was hot against his shirt, Mallory’s cheek pressed into his pec as he settled into the new position comfortably. Alex petted his hair and his back, finding Mallory’s sleeping form far more interesting than whatever was happening on the screen.

Maybe it was time to stop resisting his feelings and to be brave enough to tell Mallory how he felt. This all felt so right, it was harder to believe the voice in his head that told him it was wrong.

Certain that Mallory was asleep, Alex sighed softly and murmured to himself.

“I’m so scared to say it… but I think I’m in love with you, Mal,” Alex admitted, almost too quietly to hear.

There was no reply, only the gentle and slow breathing as Mallory slept, peaceful and unaware of any love confessions.

“I don't know what to do,” Alex hummed, still petting Mallory's hair gently. “You're always the one who knows what to do.”

Alex sat awake watching Mallory sleep for another hour or two at least, the tape long since running out and ejecting itself from the player, Alex eventually drifting off to sleep too.

[yukidragon]

Sunny Day Jack - Sins, Stripping, Sex Work, and Shame

I’ve got a hankering for some adults only OTP indulgence. Specifically I think it’s time to indulge in the stripper Joseph idea I mentioned a while back.

Now, before we begin, I want to emphasize that sex work can be quite a complicated issue. I initially came into this ramble with the goal of writing some Joseph and Mary fluff with the added spice of stripping and lap dancing on top. I even used this picrew to make a sweet and spicy picture of Joseph seducing Mary while she’s wearing his tank top to get in the spirit of fun and flirty sexy times.

Just another fun, silly, and sexy AU idea, you know?

However… when I started getting into the darker shades to make the lighter colors stand out more, well…

Let’s just say I couldn’t stop myself from digging into Joseph’s psyche and why he has such a negative view of the man he used to be in the present day as Jack. So this ramble stopped really being about an AU - let alone a lighthearted one - and instead delves into the backstory I’ve given Joseph for Sunshine in Hell before he got the role of Sunny Day Jack. There’s just an additional little bit of what if canon divergence thrown in on top.

Sometimes rambles just wind up running away with me like that. Once I started thinking about what led Joseph to a life of stripping and prostitution, things just kept progressing from there. So I wound up painting a much darker picture than I initially intended it to be. Be sure to heed the content warnings in this mature post before proceeding further.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur @kurokrisps

Content Warning: This post contains talk about sex, sex work, childhood trauma, child neglect, abusive relationships, bullying, cheating, chronic illness, drug usage, body shaming, slut shaming, religious guilt, suicide, homelessness, internalized homophobia, and other such heavy topics.

Don’t worry though, there’s a little sweet and spicy short story of OTP goodness in the final part of this ramble. Feel free to skip straight to the fluffy NSFW finale if you want to give the heavier topics a pass. There’s also a few more quick short story snippets throughout.

As some of you may remember from previous rambles, in the timeline for Sunshine in Hell, Mary (Alice’s past life incarnation and Joseph’s childhood friend/first love) has a surprising reunion with Joseph as an adult while he’s a homeless drifter hitchhiking along the side of the road. I even wrote a short story about it a while back. It was pure chance, a cosmic happenstance that brought these two lonely souls back together again that they both treated as a miracle, resulting in a reunion filled with tears, kisses, and laughter.

Before the pair were reunited, Joseph made a lot of choices that he’s not proud of, both for love and for money, which includes sex work and toxic relationships. Mary knew about his past as a young and dumb kid, even getting swept up in his rule breaking at times like sneaking into a movie theater, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her just how low he had fallen after they were separated.

Joseph Cullman believed himself to be flawed, filthy, and unworthy of love. That’s why he tried so hard to remake himself into someone new, someone better. When Mary found him, he was between jobs, so he was able to hide his dirtiest secrets from her.

No one had to ever know, especially not his sunshine.

But if the time and place of their reunion shifted just a bit, Joseph would be totally exposed in more ways than one.

The Empty Space Where Love Used to Live

Okay, I know everyone (including me) wants to get down to the sexy stripper Joseph seducing Mary stuff right away, but my mind just wouldn’t jump there without exploring how we got here in the first place. Becoming a stripper or sex worker wasn’t exactly something Joseph wanted to become or took pride in.

After running away from home, Joseph had to make his way in life all alone, with no one to support him, and no one to care whether he lived or died. All he had was the clothes on his back, an incomplete education from teachers who constantly called him worthless, and his body to scrape some sort of living together. He had to do a lot of hard labor in order to get by, in more than one sense of the word. His heart was scarred and heavy, both from the things done to him and the things he did. His sense of self-worth was pitiful, and he was so very, very lonely. The only person who ever truly loved him was gone… stolen from him first by her uncaring parents, then by death itself.

Though the rumors of Mary’s death were quite exaggerated at the time. Not that poor Joseph knew that.

If it had only been a rumor that Mary had died, Joseph would’ve refused to believe it. He was a stubborn kid, and school was a hellscape full of rumors, vicious slander, and fighting. But rumors weren’t his only evidence. Even years on, he still vividly remembered that moment in her bedroom that brought him such sorrow and joy all at once. She told him herself while in tears how her doctor was certain that she wouldn’t live to see adulthood.

Mary didn’t want to die with regrets, so she confessed her feelings for Joseph, and he reciprocated. She had been hiding her feelings for a while before that, as she was worried about ruining their friendship. Perhaps she could have continued to hide her feelings to spare him the pain when she died, but she didn’t want to waste the time she had left denying her feelings any longer.

Joseph wanted to fight that death sentence, but how? They were just teens, scared and confused. Even doctors with years of education didn’t know how to help Mary. They couldn’t even give a name to whatever was killing her. There was no internet to search for symptoms back then, and no trusted adult in his life with sage advice. The most he had was just a library with pages and pages of medical books that he would have to flip through one by one, each page packed to the brim with terms that he didn’t understand.

Joseph couldn’t even fight back against her parents when they forbade Mary from seeing him again. They flipped out at him, threatening to shoot him with a shotgun if he snuck into their home ever again, or even just set foot on their lawn. They went so far as calling the police on him, though fortunately nothing more came of it than a stern lecture from a couple cops.

Joseph did try to see Mary again despite these threats, but they never amounted to anything in the end. Adults saw him as a punk, a misbehaving brat, and even if he sought out help, they simply told him to leave her alone. The Phoenix family didn’t want a “worthless” troublemaker “corrupting” their daughter. His own parents didn’t want to deal with the hassle of his “teenage drama,” since he would “just get over it” and find someone new soon enough.

No one understood just how much Joseph loved and wanted to be with Mary, or vice-versa. They were seen as just two stupid kids with a silly crush in the eyes of adults, just a bout of puppy love that would fade out sooner or later. High school romance was rarely more than a fleeting thing. To their parents, young love was more like fireworks, an explosion of hormones that create an exciting thrill that quickly fades and draws the immature and inexperienced teen to seek out that spark again in someone new.

Joseph resented such condescending attitudes and metaphors. He knew damn well what he felt for Mary was far deeper than that. He would never just forget her so easily, as if her presence in his life meant nothing. Just because he was young didn’t mean that what he felt wasn’t love.

Joseph knew what shallow, empty love looked like. He saw it every time his parents bothered to remember to say that they loved him. Their version of love was nothing more than a performance, a lie to appease themselves and whoever might have been watching. Such fake love could never fill the hole left in his heart.

What Joseph and Mary shared was nothing like the hollow “love” his parents showed him all his life.

This led to Joseph lashing out at home, at school, against his parents, teachers, authority figures, his peers, and even random people. The world was cruel and unfair. He had been shown this fact time and time again. When he found one bright spot of light in his life, the world tore it away from him and snuffed it out like a candle.

Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much if Joseph never knew love at all. The cold can’t bite as hard if you’ve never known what it feels like to be warm.

The thought that Mary was dead broke something in Joseph. While he had gotten into trouble and acted out at times to get attention, up until this point, he had simply been a reckless class clown that didn’t know when to quit. Sure he had gotten into fights before, mostly taunting bullies that threw insults his way or Mary’s, but his troublemaking behavior was mostly just a cry for attention. It was childish and obnoxious, not malicious or vindictive.

When Joseph was finally forced to accept the idea that his sunshine was gone forever and that no one cared about her passing or how much it hurt him, his anger bubbled over and no one could reach his heart again. He was violent, insulting, and downright cruel. He hurt, so the world deserved to hurt. He stopped trying anymore with his parents. He wanted their love all his life, but it was always empty, and their dismissiveness over his grief and the loss of Mary made him give up on that love too.

After all, it was hard for Joseph to believe that a person was even capable of love at all when they treated his pain as nothing more than an annoyance in their lives.

“What? You’re still hung up about that girl dying? It’s been a month already. You have to get over it if you’re going to get anywhere in life. You can’t keep using this as an excuse to keep whining and slack off.”

“For goodness sake, stop crying. Real men don’t cry. Sigh… When will you finally grow up already? It’s not as if she was family.”

And so on and so forth. The house Joseph grew up in never truly felt like home.

Joseph did try to find love again even after that. It was only natural for humans to seek happiness and affection. We’re social creatures after all. The things he used to do for fun didn’t bring him the joy they once had, so he looked elsewhere. The rules he circumvented were more easily broken now, as were laws. The vices he gained during his teenage years - smoking, alcohol, bullying those who he felt wronged him, rebelling against authority, picking fights, tattoos to express the bottled up feelings he couldn’t really put into words - they offered him rushes of pleasure that distracted him from feeling so empty. Sure, much of the things he turned to during this time were destructive, but they made him hurt just a little less.

Why should Joseph care about what other people thought or felt about what he did? They certainly never cared about him even when he was trying to earn their approval. Who cared if he destroyed himself?

Tragically, Joseph did destroy someone in the end, but it wasn’t himself.

Joseph never meant for things to spiral so far out of control. He had known firsthand the trauma that bullying inflicted. He took it a bit far at times… but a certain student at school made him burn with rage.

In elementary school, Mary was the target of bullying. One person in particular took great delight in making her life miserable, and constantly left her in tears when they were children.

Joseph put a stop to it years ago in a playground brawl. Mary wasn’t happy that he got into a fight, especially since he got roughed up in the process, but she was grateful that he protected her. After that fight, her bully never dared come after her again.

That day, Joseph felt like a hero. He rescued Mary and defeated her wicked arch nemesis with his own brand of vigilante justice. He was the knight in shining armor that saved the princess from the wicked dragon.

The roles changed in high school. Joseph played the part of the villain now, but he didn’t care. He knew full well what he was doing now wasn’t heroic or noble. He couldn’t help but lash out at this former bully and anyone else who had hurt his beloved sunshine in the past. He went after kids that used to make fun of him even if they had long forgotten about such slights against him, or even forgot his name. He antagonized anyone who so much as looked at him wrong, dealing out damage with his fists and poisonous words. He took any excuse to lash out, goading others into a fight whenever he saw an opportunity.

Joseph was an avenger desperately seeking revenge without a real target to claim victory over, and no way to find true satisfaction.

Unfortunately that former bully understood that using Mary’s memory was the best way to hurt Joseph. When they retaliated against his bullying, they painted a blood red target on themselves when they outright taunted him about her death. They told him that they were happy that Mary died and that the world was better off without her.

This foolish teenager didn’t realize the hell they unleashed upon themselves until it was already far too late.

From that day onward, Joseph had it out for Mary’s former bully in particular. He still lashed out at anyone in his path, but he wanted this person to suffer. He wanted them to feel his pain a thousand fold. Day after day, he tormented them, beat them up, insulted them, sabotaged them, and did everything he could to make them hurt far more than he or Mary ever did. He was relentless, and only grew more incensed every time the bully used his sunshine’s name and memory to retaliate against him.

At first it was a war - bully vs bully - but Joseph was far worse than his opponent ever was, and the war wore down Mary’s former bully over time. Teachers didn’t want to get involved and just let the kids sort things out between them. So long as the kids kept the fights out of their sight, the teachers could look the other way. They only had to intervene when it interfered with classes or they couldn’t get away with ignoring it without getting into trouble themselves. Sure there were disciplinary reports, detentions, and lectures, but these things barely slowed Joseph down from his mission of revenge.

Joseph soon learned how to deal out more pain with his words than his fists. Sure his fists did damage, even if it left him with bruised knuckles, but it wasn’t enough. But words… oh words seem so innocent, so deceptively simple and childish when compared to spilling blood or leaving bruises, but if used correctly, the pain words inflicted was far more devastating than any cut or broken bone.

Over time, Joseph figured out what truly hurt his classmate psychologically and dug into their head. Soon his voice was echoing in their thoughts even at home, in their sleep. His well placed attacks on their vulnerabilities seeped into them like a poison.

Even when his opponent no longer had the will to fight back, Joseph did not relent. He ignored stern or desperate pleas for him to leave them alone, no matter who told him. Punishment from adults did not deter him. The defense of friends just gave him more enemies to fight. Tears did not move him, especially when they came from someone who was his enemy, someone who he only saw as cruel and unforgiving. Without love, he had no mercy to give anyone.

For the rest of his life, Joseph wished that he did.

They were gone from school for at least a week before the announcement was made over the school public address system. Tragic news. Suicide. Anyone who knew the deceased were highly encouraged to see the school counselor immediately.

Once the shock wore off, Joseph finally understood the damage he had done… as did many of his peers.

“Murderer!” was the final word Joseph heard shouted at his back when he fled from Haberdae High for the final time. He had nothing but a half-empty backpack and some fresh bruises to take with him when he ran away. He ran and ran and ran with no destination in mind. He kept running long after he stopped being pursued.

Unfortunately, Joseph could never outrun the sins he had committed and the stains they left upon his soul.

Once upon a time, Joseph was the hero who saved the kind soul who brought light into his world. Then he became an avenger seeking justice where there was none to be found. Now he was the villain, fleeing from the punishment he knew that he richly deserved.

Although running away like he did was a spur of the moment thing, Joseph had considered leaving for a while now. There wasn’t much there for him in his hometown anyway. His parents didn’t want him, the teachers hated dealing with him, and his peers didn’t care about him. He never fit in there. People preferred to forget he even existed when they weren’t talking down to him. The only good thing to ever come from his hometown was Mary, and she was gone. Forever.

So even after the surge of panic and adrenaline calmed down, Joseph kept walking. He walked and walked and walked until his body just couldn’t take it anymore. He wound up sleeping in a ditch that first night.

It was the first of many nights sleeping in a ditch.

Joseph couldn’t go back. His parents’ house had never been home to him anyway. The only home he ever knew was in the moments he shared with Mary, where he felt accepted and loved. He had no family who would support him, no friends to rely on. He doubted anyone would care that he was gone. In fact, they’d most likely be relieved.

All Joseph could do was wander, searching for a new home. A new life.

Joseph Cullman was a monster, a murderer. He was worthless, useless, and unwanted. He was someone filthy and unworthy of love.

He never did stop running from what he had done. He left it all behind him, his sins and even his name. He reinvented himself, taking different names, different attitudes to try and turn himself into someone new, someone better.

Joseph Cullman was better off dead anyway.

There wasn’t a goal strictly in his mind, but there were some fanciful dreams leftover from his childhood. If he made it all the way to Hollywood, maybe he could get spotted by a talent agent and make it big on TV or in the movies. He could become someone new in such a big city, someone who would shine like a star. He could be someone everyone admired and adored, someone worthy of friendship and love.

Maybe then love like he once found in his sunshine might find him again someday.

Hard Labor

Reality wasn’t as kind as his fantasies. Joseph could only make it so far on foot, and hitchhiking brought its own risks and costs. He ran away with little more than the clothes on his back, and only his body to pay for his food and shelter.

Joseph took whatever job he could get that didn’t ask too many questions or require an education, even if it might have been sketchy. At first, this was mostly hard manual labor like digging ditches, washing cars, yard work, and the like. Such jobs took advantage of the desperate and were soul crushing. He was overworked and underpaid. Every day left him exhausted and sore.. He barely made enough to eat and have a place to sleep at night.

An unexpected bonus to all his backbreaking work were the muscles Joseph built over time. He was always active and fit, but this constant physical labor day in and day out was more demanding than any workout routine.

Unfortunately, a muscular physique didn’t get him any closer to those lofty dreams of a better life.

As Joseph bulked up, he started to experience another unexpected perk to physical labor. He noticed eyes always wandering across his body, especially when he would go shirtless in the hot sun. It was attention that he wasn’t used to, both alluring and a bit uncomfortable.

The stares and catcalls could get a bit much at times, involving degrading language along with unexpected and unwanted touches. It was dehumanizing at times. Some people made him feel less like a human and more like a piece of meat for them to drool over.

At the same time, it was more attention than Joseph used to get, and he was starved for it. He felt so painfully alone. Being harassed was a small price to pay to not be invisible and ignored. He was strong enough to fend off anyone who took things too far, and he knew how to fight, so he could overlook the downsides of all the attention. He tried to see if he could turn that attraction to him into something more meaningful and lasting. When someone with a nice smile flirted with him, he flirted back. He tried to be charming to those who were kind and friendly with him. He went out on many dates, searching for someone, anyone who could see that there was more to him than just his body.

Joseph wanted to be more than just a piece of meat to someone. He wanted real love.

It didn’t go well. Joseph was still getting used to his new identity, how to behave, and how to really connect with people. However, it can be difficult to connect authentically when someone is hiding who they are, lying about their background, and hiding many secrets. His relationship with Mary came so easily. He could be open and vulnerable with her, but with others he struggled. He misread warning signs and took words of love at face value without realizing that they were just as performative as the new name and identity that he gave himself.

Even though he learned that “I love you” can be a lie from his parents, his desperation to be loved still made him want to believe it when someone new who actually paid attention to him said it.

Romantic relationships rarely ever lasted. Joseph never seemed to be good enough, no matter what he called himself. He let himself fall in love hard and fast when he was treated kindly and showered with sweet words of love and flattery. He was an easy target for people who knew how to manipulate others to get what they want, which usually was just sex with him. His heart was crushed again and again as he kept giving it away to just about anyone who gave him positive attention and told him what he wanted to hear.

Joseph learned how to use his body well, both in work and in the bedroom. He took more stock in his appearance and kept trim but muscular so that his lover’s eyes hopefully wouldn’t wander to someone new. Some of his relationships shamed him if he “let himself go” by gaining a few pounds when he finally started eating well, so he would add a workout routine on top of all the hard work he was doing. He got better at sex to entice his lovers to stay just a bit longer, but wound up in toxic relationships that were built off lust instead of love.

Joseph just wanted to be loved, desired, needed, but he was always left feeling used in the end.

Accepting money in exchange for sex was a gradual progression. Joseph loved receiving gifts from his dates. It made him feel special and important, and it was even more meaningful to him when he was struggling to keep himself fed, clothed, and sheltered. Unfortunately, his dates didn’t actually put any real meaning into the gifts, as they were just “playing the game” when it came to dating.

Give the right gift and say the right words to the person they’re interested in, and they’ll get sex at the end of the date. Then they move on to the next person and repeat the process. Maybe they would take him on a second date sometime when they were feeling horny again.

Joseph caught onto the pattern, but he still kept falling for it anyway. He hoped that if he was just so charming and seductive, so unforgettable that they would stay... that maybe desire could turn into something more.

This was what led to Joseph unintentionally becoming a sugar baby to a closeted gay man who was terrified of being outed. The 70s and 80s weren’t exactly known for being open and accepting of any sexuality but straight after all. Money, presents, and empty but addictingly sweet words of love were used to make up for treating Joseph like a dirty secret. What made him feel even more filthy was discovering that lover was actually married, and he was the affair partner.

Despite all the problems and red flags waving in his face, Joseph struggled to leave the relationship. It was the longest relationship he had since he was with Mary. He didn’t want to lose someone close to him like that again. He wanted to believe that what the two of them had was really love. He opened himself up to his lover and gave so much of himself, trying desperately to make it work between them. He told his lover things that he previously held back then dating others. He let more truth about his past slip in among the backstory he crafted for his current identity. That vulnerability made him cling to the relationship longer than he should. He wanted so badly to have a love that would actually last.

The excuses his lover gave to placate Joseph were flimsy when scrutinized. In retrospect, Joseph wished that he didn’t ignore the warning signs. But his lover seemed so sincere, and those sweet lies were told so convincingly with so much emotion that he let himself believe them again and again.

His lover promised him the moon and all the stars, and he did it so well.

His lover might have been a cheater, but the man insisted that he and his wife were in the final stages of a divorce. In fact, she was already seeing someone else too. His wife was abusive, and he needed to leave her for his safety. She was unhinged. She was terrible. He was pressured into the marriage by his heavily religious family in the first place. He didn’t love her. He never loved her. He only loved Joseph. Joseph was handsome, sweet, attractive, wonderful, and every other beautiful word in the book. He only wanted Joseph. This whole mess would be resolved soon and then it would be just the two of them forever. All Joseph had to do was just be patient and trust him.

And on and on and on the excuses went…

It was nice having money and an otherwise comfortable life, but Joseph couldn’t stay in the relationship. It wasn’t good for him, and he couldn’t live in denial forever. While the nights of passion were intense and his lover’s words were so alluring, the mornings were always empty, with only a wad of cash and a note on the nightstand left behind to keep him company.

For as desperate as he was to be loved, Joseph eventually was forced to face the fact that he was nothing more than a plaything for a rich older man.

The beginning of the end came when Joseph overheard his lover talking to someone else. To his horror, he learned that he wasn’t the only one the man seduced into an affair. There were other people who also fell for this cheater’s honeyed words of love. He even met some of them when his lover convinced him to participate in orgies. He thought that they were an acquaintance joining him and his lover to spice up their love life. At the same time, the other people were led to believe the same thing about him.

The more Joseph pulled at the threads to find the truth, the more it all unraveled. There was no divorce. There never was one. The wife was actually a lovely, sweet woman who was good to their kids. Kids. There were kids involved in this mess, and Joseph never even knew that they existed this entire time! It was hard enough to deal with the fact that his lying, cheating lover had a wife, even with all the excuses, but it made Joseph feel sick that he participated in creating a broken home for those kids.

It reminded him uncomfortably of his own childhood.

The wife and kids didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Neither did Joseph.

The fallout wasn’t pretty. Not that Joseph stuck around long after he burned everything down to the ground. He left that town and the name he made there behind him, running away from the entire messy affair and his heartbreak.

Though Joseph did make sure to leave evidence of the affair for his ex’s wife to find. It was both a way to atone for what he did and to get revenge on a cheating scumbag who played them all for fools with empty promises and lies about love. He hoped that the wife would take the kids and find someone new who would give them the love and respect that they deserved.

Joseph hoped to find someone like that too.

Fortunately Joseph learned from the last time he ran away, and he took as much of his sugar daddy’s money and gifts with him as he could. He sold whatever he couldn’t fit in his backpack and started over from scratch yet again.

Joseph was a bit more jaded about other peoples’ intentions after that when they showed interest in him. He still made an effort to be friendly and even flirty, but he was more guarded with his heart when he eventually tried dating again.

Sex without love wasn’t fulfilling, but it was fun, and it could pay the bills. A quick handjob was cheaper than paying for a taxi cab. A sweet smile, even sweeter words, and a choice glimpse of cleavage and a tight tank top could entice a kind soul to let him bum a cigarette or an extra cup of coffee.

Sex also had a way of distracting Joseph from his loneliness. In those moments of passion, he could convince himself that he didn’t need anything more than this pleasure. He could convince himself that what he was sharing with the person he was dating was love, or at least just as good as love. He tried to be satisfied with pleasures of the flesh and the hope that maybe he might find real love someday. He finally had attention, admiration, approval. He was desired, wanted, needed. The rush was addicting, even if the highs never lasted long.

Digging ditches didn’t pay nearly as well as strip joints, and there were plenty of seedy places in every town. Respectable strip clubs don’t have the strippers moonlight as prostitutes, but Joseph wasn’t really taking jobs at any respectable places. The places he found work at least allowed him to vet out the customers who would pay good money for a private show versus the ones who were just looking for a cheap thrill. It was safer than looking for a john at a bar or on a street corner. He took advice from his coworkers with more experience in the business about how to spot good clients and how to protect himself when things got dangerous.

It wasn’t the life Joseph ever imagined for himself. It all finally hit him just how far things had gone when he was watching his copy of a porno he starred in. Watching himself have sex with a bunch of strangers he barely knew in exchange for money made it sink in that he had become a prostitute.

Joseph never thought his life would turn out this way. A few years ago, the very idea was completely unthinkable. He wanted to be a star, but not like this! Sure, the porno was a small-scale affair, not even with an actual porn studio, but seeing himself like that on his TV made him realize that strangers were going to watch him, judge him, and get off on it.

When did things get so out of hand? Joseph got swept up in the rush of sex and attention. Things never seemed so bad in the moment. The next step never seemed quite as far as he would’ve thought. He accepted gifts, then he accepted cash. He stripped for attention then a job. He had sex to feel love, then to forget his loneliness, then to gain the security only money could give in a capitalist society. He got swept up in things, the idea of lots of easy money for a fun time, and a chance of finding love through attraction and pleasure.

Watching himself from the outside and knowing that countless other people would only ever see him as just a piece of meat and nothing more finally made him realize what he had become.

It wasn’t an entirely negative experience. Joseph found that he enjoyed being watched and watching others. It was a shameful, but thrilling feeling, exciting and even addicting. Sex was fun, exhilarating, and even liberating. He loved to show himself off and be the person everyone looked at with admiration and desire.

But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t love.

At the end of the day, that was what Joseph really wanted. He wanted someone to love with his whole heart who loved him just as fiercely. He wanted to bring these intense pleasures that he discovered into a relationship that was built on more than just fleeting moments of passion. He wanted that lingering satisfaction and security that only love ever gave him.

Society shames sex workers, and Joseph wasn’t immune to that internalized shame. The fact that he enjoyed it so much, even if only in the moment, just made him feel even more shameful when the high faded. It made him feel dirty and worthless when he wasn’t lost in those exhilarating rushes of pleasure and attention. He constantly tried to distract himself from such negative thoughts, but he couldn’t escape them when he was left alone with only his thoughts for company.

Selling his body was thrilling and profitable, but it left Joseph feeling ashamed, unfulfilled, and empty inside.

When was the last time he had gone to church? His parents used to drag him there every Sunday when he was a kid. It was never a fun experience. He didn’t buy all the bullshit that the priests were always selling, but he wasn’t free of the internalized shame that was hammered into him and the rest of the congregation. Shouldn’t he feel ashamed for that too?

Then again, what was the point of going back now? He was probably damned to hell either way.

Joseph couldn’t exactly afford shame when he was homeless. Sex paid the bills without breaking his back. Sure, he had to get regular checkups to make sure that he didn’t catch anything. Sure he had to worry about stalkers, potential pregnancies, and he hadn’t had a good relationship since…

Mary. Joseph never found someone who made him feel as happy as Mary. For all the excitement, pleasure, and attention he achieved now, it was always so empty in comparison to the time he spent with her. Sex alone never gave him that contentment, peace, and love that he craved so, so badly.

It was funny. For all the rush sex gave him, even the new exciting kinks he discovered, none of it compared to that sunny smile of hers and those sweet kisses she gave that filled him up to the brim with love.

It all made Joseph that much more desperate to find love again, and sometimes he convinced himself that he did, only to realize that he was being used yet again. He didn’t realize that his desperation for love was obvious enough to make him an easy target for people looking to take advantage of the caring and vulnerable. Every failed relationship made him feel just that little bit more jaded and unlovable.

It made him wonder if he could ever find love again.

Joseph went by so many names, reinvented himself so many times. He started over in town after town, working his way towards Hollywood and that nebulous idea of becoming something better than he was. He wanted, needed to be something more than a piece of meat to be devoured, used, and then discarded like trash.

He wanted to become somebody who didn’t have to use pleasure and excitement to distract himself from feeling so worthless and unlovable.

Love and Self-Loathing

Joseph was ashamed of being a sex worker, though he respected others in the business, and he would fight anyone who dared to insult the few friends he made there. Some people genuinely loved the job and made it work… but he never could find that same love for it that they did. He, like so many others, got into that line of work due to a lack of options and wanted something better as soon as possible.

Sex work isn’t an inherently shameful job, but society plays a big part in projecting strong feelings of shame and disgust onto it. It’s also a dangerous job due to laws that are broken and lack of protection for sex workers. Joseph was not immune to the negative feelings society impressed upon the profession even as he participated in it. This perception only added to all the ways authority figures and his peers ground him down over the years with feelings of worthlessness.

Joseph felt disgusted by how much he enjoyed selling his body, at least in the moment. Once the rush of lust and euphoria was over and he was left in the afterglow, he felt cheap and used. Filthy. It was as much of a damaging rush as the nicotine he kept smoking or the coffee he drank too much of… or the “party favors” he sometimes partook in with partners or clients.

As filthy as sex without real love made Joseph feel, it was also the best way for him to make a living and distract himself from how much he hated his life and himself.

A big theme behind the 1984 incident is Joseph getting exposed. The mask of Sunny Day Jack was torn away and all the dirty secrets that he desperately tried to hide were laid bare before the nation and Mary. Everything he didn’t want anyone to know, especially not his sunshine, was revealed in the most damning way possible.

Hiding these shameful parts of his past played a large part in Joseph losing himself in the character of Sunny Day Jack, both in life and in death. He could forget the man underneath the makeup in the rush that stardom gave him, but this time the euphoria came with a squeaky clean image that he didn’t have to feel ashamed of. As Jack, he was finally someone admirable, famous, and adored. Sunny Day Jack was the type of person Joseph always wanted to be as a child, with the love that he always wished for.

It was also tied to the miracle of finding his sunshine once again.

Fortune smiled on Joseph when Mary spotted him hitchhiking on the highway. She knew the name he was born with and some of his past shame, but those were innocent misdeeds, nothing more than the rambunctiousness of youth. Compared to everything else that came after their separation, the child he used to be was positively charming. It wasn’t that hard for him to bury his deepest shames in the past and pretend those years without her never happened at all.

Joseph hid so many secrets from Mary, while she shared just about everything with him. He felt guilty for not being as open as she was with him. She still loved him, still wanted him even after so many years apart. She was so accepting of him and his flaws. She was drawn to him as a person, not as a tempting hunk of meat. His body was just another part of him, but it wasn’t the main attraction for her. Being on the asexual spectrum, sex was never a priority for her. It didn’t matter to her if he had a six-pack or if he was a scrawny twig. She encouraged him to eat well and take care of his health first. It was his heart and soul that drew her to him. She loved him even when he had nothing to offer her but his own love in return.

Joseph hated himself. He hated himself so much. But he loved Mary far, far more than he could ever hate himself. He was convinced that she deserved better than him. He knew that the noblest thing he could do would be to let her find love with someone who wasn’t carrying so much baggage, who didn’t do so many scummy things, who didn’t crave her love like a junkie in withdrawal.

If Mary had been in a new relationship with someone else, maybe Joseph could’ve stepped back and let her go. Maybe he could lie and pretend that he was happy for her. Maybe.

Or maybe he was only lying to himself to think that he could ever let her go again even if there was someone else in her life.

The relief Joseph experienced when Mary ran into his arms and kissed him was a kind of euphoria that put all his sexual encounters to shame. She remembered him. She missed him. She loved him. All the hurt and years they went through weren’t strong enough to destroy this bond between them. She still longed for his love just as much as he did hers.

There was no chance of Joseph making a noble sacrifice after that kiss. Just hearing Mary use that cherished nickname she gave him, yer eyes bright and brimming with tears as she wore the most gorgeous smile ruined any possibility that he might stay away from her. He might not deserve her after everything he had done, but he couldn’t let her go again. He wasn’t strong enough.

That was why Joseph wanted to give Mary only the best version of himself. He needed to become someone worthy of all the love she gave him, or at least act the part. She deserved the very best in everything. She deserved the world. She filled his life with love in a way no one else could. After losing her once, after trying and failing so many times to find love again, he now knew for sure that there was only one person in the world who could ever make him feel complete.

Joseph tried to be whatever Mary wanted or needed him to be, though he never said as much out loud. He quit smoking because of her health issues, even though the withdrawal was hard on him. He tried to speak more gently and smile more. He tried to be more mindful. He took all the lessons he learned about charming people to be more sociable and romantic, and his psychology classes helped him better understand how to handle people. He learned from all the mistakes he made with his many failed attempts at romance. He wanted to be the best partner possible, the ideal lover. He wanted to be someone who could never be replaced.

Sunny Day Jack served as a fantastic template for the type of person Joseph wanted to be. Everyone loved the character. He loved the character.

Mary always said that Sunny Day Jack was inspired by Joseph. She and others told him that was perfect for the role and really brought the character to life. The kids showed him so much admiration and love too when he interacted with them in person. Joseph could never quite see himself in Sunny Day Jack, though he wanted to very much. He wished that he could be half as good as Sunny Day Jack. The character was so good, so pure, so worthy of love. To him, Sunny Day Jack was everything Joseph Cullman wasn’t.

Even still, Joseph tried everything in his power to become the best Sunny Day Jack there ever was. He refused to disappoint his sunshine and all the kids who loved him so much.

Joseph wasn’t perfect, despite all his efforts. Every time he slipped up, got a little too loud, a little too abrasive, fear crept in. He couldn’t shake the doubts that he didn’t deserve Mary and everything she brought to his life, and in those moments the fear whispered poison in his ears. It pushed him to try harder. Too hard.

Mary didn’t just bring her love into his life. Through her, Joseph got the part of Sunny Day Jack at LambsWorks. He got the chance to become a star, just like he dreamed of since he was a child. He had a new opportunity to reinvent himself as the actor James Haberdae. He had a clean slate with new people, a new chance to make friends, a chance to make a name for himself. He had fame, adoration, and respect.  He had the opportunity to be someone better.

It was like a dream… and Joseph was terrified that someday he might wake up.

Over time, in a world where the incident of 1984 never ended in tragedy, where Mary and Joseph got to grow old together, he would learn that he didn’t need to be afraid of his sunshine learning the truth about his past. She accepted him whenever his perfect mask slipped, comforted him and supported him when he was at his lowest. He lived to face the aftermath of his secrets being so cruelly exposed, and he wasn’t rejected for all his failings.

Despite his fears, Mary showed Joseph that he was never unworthy of love.

Not that Mary was happy with what Joseph did. It was all a lot to take in. Prostitution, bullying, drugs, dating a married person, and so on… but what bothered her more was how much he hid from her. It hurt that he couldn’t trust her with these parts of his story that made him the man she knew and loved.

She understood though. These secrets weren’t easy to tell. They were painful and messy. Mary and Joseph talked things through in the aftermath. There was a lot of talking and tears.

They made it work. Despite everything, in the end, they came together stronger than ever.

It also allowed Joseph to finally accept himself as someone worthy of love. He didn’t have to be perfect. He didn’t have to be flawless without a speck of filth on his soul. He didn’t even have to be Sunny Day Jack anymore. All he had to do was to keep choosing to do the best he could for himself and for Mary and be open and honest with her. That was all she ever really wanted from him.

Sadly, Joseph never got to experience this kind of closure in the main timeline of Sunshine in Hell. He died at his absolute lowest moment. The liar was exposed in front of everyone. They all knew the filthy, worthless man known as Joseph Cullman hiding behind all the masks and names he wore to hide his shame.

He lost everything. He lost his fame, his reputation, his love, his life, and then his sanity.

Is it any wonder why he’s now so desperate to convince himself that he really was Sunny Day Jack?

Exposed Early

Now, with all that buildup of backstory and how it connects to the main continuity of Sunshine in Hell, let’s see what would happen if Joseph couldn’t hide a part of his shameful past from Mary when they reunited.

Funny thing is I wound up writing out a short story about it instead of just a summary of events. It just goes to show that inspiration can sneak up on you.

…

Under normal circumstances, Mary would have no interest in a strip club. Being on the demisexual side of the asexual spectrum, seeing random people in states of undress never did anything for her. Plus there was also the internalized shame that her parents hammered into her about behaving like a “good Christian girl” and what not. They would bring down the thunder if they ever learned that she went to such a place, no matter how old she was or if she was living on her own.

However, sometimes people had to push themselves out of their comfort zone for the sake of friendship. This is especially true for people who struggled to make friends and didn’t want to lose the few they managed to get.

What her parents didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, right?

Besides, this was a special occasion. A person only got married once (hopefully), so they should live it up for their bachelorette party.

Of course, Mary didn’t understand why the bride-to-be was so keen on watching men strip when in a committed monogamous relationship. It kind of felt like cheating to her, even if they weren’t married yet. The bride-to-be blew off any concerns, acting as though it was only natural. Even still, she told the soon-to-be-groom that the party would just consist of dinner, drinks, and chatting together at the maid of honor’s house.

It didn’t feel right, but Mary didn’t want to cause trouble. She didn’t know if it was her place to say anything and meddle in their relationship. She hadn’t dated anyone since she was a teenager, so she had no idea what it was like to get married. She didn’t want to risk the tenuous friendships on misgivings. She just did her best to swallow her discomfort and went along with the rest of the bridal party.

Even if the other members of the party got a bit too rowdy at times when they finally got to see the strippers perform. Even if the person getting the most hands on with the strippers was the bride-to-be herself.

Mary was mostly a wallflower watching as the rest of the bridal party cut loose, cat calling at strippers and waving dollar bills in the air. She hid awkwardly behind her glass of soda much of the time and tried to focus more on the club decor and the music rather than its scantily dressed employees or excited patrons.

At least she didn’t have to worry about making small talk while the others were fixated on the performers.

The performances were… fine? Not that Mary was a good judge of such things. The performances consisted mostly of muscular men gyrating to the music while undressing and giving the audience suggestive looks. Sometimes there was a gimmick involved like a costume, a pole, or juggling bottles of alcohol. Sure the men were objectively good looking, but watching them strut their stuff didn’t do anything for her except make her uncomfortable when things got a bit too raunchy at times.

The shows certainly worked on the other patrons, even if Mary didn’t quite get it. She was at least happy that her friends were having fun, even if she could do without the high pitched screams of excitement. Whenever a customer tipped especially well, the dancers would offer an extra special service. Sometimes it was a kiss on the lips, while other times it was guiding the customer’s hand to grope along the dancer’s chest. The really big spenders got to enjoy a lap dance or straddle the dancer’s hips and dry hump them.

At one point a customer was led away into the back by one of the dancers, much to the hooting and hollering of the crowd. Mary tried not to speculate what that meant, but it wasn’t hard to figure out anyway.

The big rule of the strip club was that the patrons couldn’t do anything unless guided by the dancer. The customers could only make requests, sometimes shouted, as they waved their money around in a desperate bid to draw the dancer towards them. Sometimes, the strippers would make something of a bidding war for their attention, teasing the customers by coming in close, only to be “lured” away by someone else waving around a larger bill in the air.

Money talked in this place, and a lot of it was flowing straight into some very tiny underwear that was fighting for its life to support both the cash and the large bulge the dancers would sway about.

Mary wasn’t exactly comfortable in the strip club, but it wasn’t as bad as her parents or church made it out to be. The place was mostly clean and security was pretty good about keeping the patrons from getting out of control. Though she did feel embarrassed when a security guard stopped by their table to give a warning when a couple members of the bridal party got a bit handsy with one of the servers after a few too many drinks.

The experience was awkward and a bit uncomfortable for Mary, but overall the strip club wasn’t a den of debauchery, drugs, and sin where the devil liked to play. It was just a place where people paid to show off the sexual side of themselves that they hid from polite society. Even if she didn’t understand the appeal of stripping like the rest of the audience, she could focus on being happy that her friends were having fun.

Though Mary could do without other members of the bridal party trying to goad her into stuffing her hard earned money into some stranger’s thong. Peer pressure might’ve brought her through the doors and pushed her to buy the overpriced soda she’d been nursing all evening, but even the power of friendship had its limits.

Not that Mary was especially close to anyone in the bridal party yet, but she hoped stepping out of her comfort zone like this might change that.

Mary came to the strip club hoping to deepen her new friendships. She wasn’t expecting to see an old friend who she could never forget.

Of course, Mary didn’t quite recognize Joseph right away. He was introduced to the crowd under a different name after all, and she wasn’t really focusing on the dancers. When she finally noticed and recognized him, the realization caused her to spit out her soda and do a double-take.

…

I’m thinking that Joseph should have a fun and suggestive stage name like Randy Ryder, Chase Hardcock, Maxx Climax, or something like that. I went back and forth for quite a while about what stripper name feels most fitting or gives me giggles the most. In the end, I decided on going with Diablo as his stage name and Adam Lovegood as his “real” name. Though I am still open to changing the names if something else strikes my fancy more later on down the line.

…

Needless to say, Mary did not expect the muscular man with the tattoos who was sliding along a pole and stripping down to his underwear to the tune of sultry disco music to be her long lost first love.

Joseph, or rather Diablo as the crowd knew him, was lost in the excitement of the show, just as he was every time he performed. So many people were clamoring for his attention, desperately screaming “his” name while waving their money to lure him their way. They wanted him so badly he could taste it. In these moments, he forgot himself and who he was outside of the shows. He could enjoy the lustful eyes hungrily devouring his body and feel as if he was truly wanted and adored.

Mary spitting her soda got the attention of others in the bridal party, and some odd stares her way. Once again she was goaded and teased to participate, especially since she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the man pole dancing on stage.

In so many ways, the moment was as surreal as a dream to Mary. She couldn’t be sure this Diablo person was her Joseph, but what if. What if?

Then again… Diablo was reveling in the attention, the lust and intense energy of the club. He drew some of those in the front row close to touch him, to run their hands along his glistening body as he exposed more and more of his skin.

This Diablo person looked like Joseph, so much so that it made Mary’s heart ache, but he was so different from the Joseph she remembered.

Even still, maybe spurred by the goading of other members of the party, or maybe she couldn’t keep herself away because of the pull of what if, Mary finally stepped out of the shadows she hid in and approached the stage.

The showstopper Diablo was in full form that night. The crowd loved him. He took his time teasing customers who begged him for a kiss, drawing them close, only to get “distracted” by someone else’s desperate bid for his attention. He wanted them to need him so badly that it drove them insane. Only when the excitement was at a fever pitch would he finally choose his favorite for the evening and give them a taste of his temptation.

Diablo eventually selected a pretty thing with a big wad of cash and a nice smile. Their shameless begging drew him to them. He was inches away from giving them what they wanted when he caught a glimpse of sunshine.

Joseph froze when he saw her. Even after all these years, even with the glare of the spotlight in his eyes, he still recognized Mary. How could he not? She was older now, her body filled out with soft and inviting curves.

But what struck him the most were those eyes, those familiar beautiful blue eyes as bright as the sky at dawn. He remembered those eyes alight with joy or filled to the brim with tears. He could never forget the way she looked at him with so much love.

Joseph couldn’t quite place the emotion he saw in those wide eyes of her now, but her gaze pierced him right down to his soul.

“Diablo” hadn’t fumbled a performance since he was still a newbie, but he wound up losing his grip on the pole and the customer’s chin, and he hit the stage floor with a thump. The onlookers were confused by the disruption, and that unease pushed him back to his feet.

If there was one thing Joseph learned from performing, it was that no matter what happened, the show had to go on.

Besides, if the show fell apart, Joseph would get rushed off the stage, and he couldn’t let that happen, not before he got closer to Mary.

Maybe he was mistaken. Maybe this was just someone who simply looked like his sunshine. Maybe this was just his wishful thinking. Maybe he was hallucinating after so many times he lost himself to the memories of his first love. Maybe any or all of these things were true, but Joseph would never forgive himself if he lost this chance to be with Mary just one more time.

Diablo locked eyes with Mary. Normally he gave the patrons seductive, teasing smiles, but the smile he gave her was far gentler. There was so much emotion there in his smile and in his dark eyes that refused to look away from her to any of the crowd screaming for his attention. He brought up a hand and gestured for her to come closer.

Mary moved as if reeled in by an invisible string tied to his beckoning finger. She held some bills in her tightly clenched, sweaty palm, but she didn’t look too closely at how much was there. She just did as she was expected to do in this place and pulled out a wad of cash in order to catch the dancer’s attention. She whispered the name he abandoned long ago, but all the other voices drowned her out. There were so many people who wanted Diablo’s attention, but he only had eyes for her.

The show’s tone shifted subtly as Mary reached the edge of the stage, though most patrons didn’t really notice, too caught up in the usual atmosphere of the strip club and their own frenzied attempts to get “Diablo” to notice them. They didn’t notice how gently he touched this particular customer compared to everyone else, or the fact that he didn’t immediately take her offered money to do so.

Mary could hear her heart beating louder than the club music. His gentle touch blazed across her already burning skin. She struggled to speak, still caught between wanting to believe that this man was really Joseph and being afraid that she might be merely projecting his memory onto a stranger. The surroundings were alien to her, and the atmosphere so different from the moments they shared years ago, but the tenderness in the way he held her cheek and the longing in his eyes was so familiar. He made her want to believe.

“Starlight…?”

Despite the chaos around them, Joseph heard her soft voice, and that single word dispelled all his doubts. Joy, excitement, relief, shame, embarrassment, and countless other emotions created a chaotic mess inside of his mind. It was all he could do not to pull Mary up onto the stage and into his arms, but he managed to keep his composure… for now at least. He had gotten good at pushing his feelings away to focus on the energy of the moment, in playing the role he was given.

So “Diablo” kept the show going, flashing Mary a crooked, slightly teasing smile. “Hey there, Sunshine,” he said, and for a moment it was like they were kids again. He was back to being the rule breaking punk with that same cheeky smile who snuck in through her bedroom window to hang out behind their parents’ backs.

The memory struck Mary like lightning, and relief sent a shudder through her body. Emotions started to overflow her heart, brimming in her eyes as tears.

Joseph leaned in to speak softly into her ear so only Mary could hear him. “Come with me. We’ll talk somewhere more private.”

The reminder made Mary more aware of their audience and the mounting frustration of the other customers ignored by “Diablo.” She barely had time to nod before Joseph hopped off stage then scooped her up into his arms, eliciting a shriek of surprise.

“Diablo” smiled cheekily at Mary before regarding the audience. “Pardon me for stopping early tonight, sweethearts, but this lucky customer just bought a private show from me tonight.”

The crowd erupted in a mixture of hooting, jeers, and groans. It wasn’t unusual for a dancer to make a show of sweeping a customer up in their arms and making such an announcement in this particular club. It just usually happened after the dancer played to the crowd for a while and gave several individuals a more public show with kisses, groping, or lap dances.

The whole thing was too much for Mary to handle, especially since the bridal party were shouting the loudest of the crowd, cheering her on to “finally get laid” and how much of a  “lucky whore” she was. She had to cover her face in a vain attempt to hide as Joseph whisked her away backstage where the private rooms were.

…

Okay, I’ll admit, I didn’t expect to write 8 pages of a short story about the scene, but it just happened naturally as I was describing the scene and emotions. Gotta love these sudden bouts of inspiration in these rambles.

Despite the implication that Joseph gave to the crowd that he and Mary were going to have some sexy times backstage, what they did back there was anything but sexy. Emotions were running high and they were both relieved to be reunited, even if things were awkward and embarrassing for both of them.

Joseph couldn’t escape the question of how he wound up working in a place like this. He also couldn’t avoid his feelings of guilt and shame. Even though they had been apart for years and he believed that Mary was dead, he felt like he cheated on her. He feels that way to some extent in the main timeline too, but it hits harder when he was literally inviting other people to grope and kiss him right in front of her.

Sadly, there’s no immediate greeting kiss and hug in this AU. Things are too awkward and uncertain at the start of this sort of reunion.

Joseph never imagined that something like this could happen. He had been trying to heal from his sunshine’s death for years. He lost hope that he would ever see Mary again. Being with her again was an impossible wish of his, but now it came true in probably one of the worst ways ever.

Well, maybe not the absolute worst way ever, but this is still pretty bad.

Mary hoped to find Joseph again someday. They talked about their personal dreams for the future since they were kids, and she always liked to hope that he was out chasing one or more of those dreams. Most of all, she hoped that he was happy.

Well he was. Or at least he looked that way to her. Becoming a stripper was nothing Mary never imagined for Joseph, but it was clear that he was enjoying himself when he was up on stage. He obviously loved the attention, the flirting, the touching…

It seemed as if Joseph had moved on without her. He had grown into someone sexually liberated while she… more or less stayed the same. He was off exploring himself in ways she never dreamed, doing things that she would never dare. Meanwhile she never got comfortable with anyone else the way she did with him.

They had finally reunited after all these years, but weirdly it felt like there was this divide between them that was never there before.

Really, both of them would be spinning their wheels a bit once they’re alone together, trying to figure out what to say to one another. I can see Joseph being the one to speak up first, just feeling a desperate need to explain himself before Mary got the wrong idea about him. Of course, what initially blurts out of him is probably going to be awkward as hell and maybe a bit misleading.

This isn’t going to lead to a dramatic misunderstanding between them though. They’re just going to have some very uncomfortable conversation, and Joseph is going to have to explain some things that led him here. This means exposing a few more skeletons he wanted to leave buried forever in his closet.

Not all of them of course. Heavens no. Joseph isn’t going to unload everything on Mary after they’ve finally reunited. He just feels the need to explain things, to somehow soften what he did right in front of her…

He just needs to somehow stop himself from feeling so filthy and ashamed.

It’s funny that the initial idea of this AU was mostly lighthearted and silly images of Joseph pole dancing and stripping for Mary before giving her a lap dance as she gets incredibly flustered and turned on. While it’d be fun to imagine her being shocked and just going along with it all, it’d be a bit too intense for either of them to handle. There’s a lot of heavy emotions and scarring they both carry all hitting them at once without any warning.

Even if Joseph and Mary had an AU where they met for the first time at the strip club, Mary would be even less keen to just go along with sexy times. She’d hide in her shadowy corner, trying not to get anyone’s attention until the bachelorette party is over. There’d need to be some real shenanigans to get them to interact and bond.

Perhaps I could explore that possibility sometime, but that’s a potential post for another day.

Anyway, Joseph has been caught with his pants down here, both figuratively and literally. Even his attempts to explain and smooth things over would be awkward and affected by so many intense emotions. It might even lead to him breaking down as the shame overwhelms him.

Mary is alive. Joseph thought she was dead. He mourned for her. So many sleepless nights he missed her in his life. She left this void behind when she was gone, one he tried so hard to fill again and again and again… and now she’s here to see him when he’s been reduced to… this!

Mary was the one person in the world Joseph could bear his soul to. She’s also the one person he can’t bear to disappoint. He disappoints himself every single day, and her discomfort is obvious. He ruined himself in her eyes. He ruined their reunion, their love…

Joseph doesn’t know when he fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands, but he does notice Mary embrace him.

For as strange and uncomfortable as the circumstances of their reunion were, Mary doesn’t see Joseph the way he sees himself in that moment. She knows that he’s changed, that much is obvious, but it’s only natural. It’s been years and they’re adults now. They lived different lives than the ones they led as children.

Men shouldn’t cry. It’s something hammered into all boys’ heads thanks to society, and Joseph was always told the same by his parents. Realizing that he started crying and having a breakdown in front of Mary seemed to him like yet another reason to feel ashamed of himself. It’s another sign to show that he failed to become someone worthy of love.

Yet Mary chose to keep holding him. She chose to stroke his back and head so tenderly, telling him gently that it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.

Joseph did mutter some things under his breath during his breakdown. It was mostly just fragments of his attempts to explain himself, but also the crushing feelings that he ruined everything. Mary didn’t understand all of it, but she got the gist.

“It’s okay, Starlight. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

And just like that, Joseph can’t hold back anymore. All the shame and sadness he buried beneath hate and temporary pleasures finally come rushing out of him in a bout of tears and desperate need. He clings to Mary like a lifeline, terrified that the world will take her away from him again.

It’s the most vulnerable Joseph has ever been. He’s on his knees in a seedy backroom with a bed where he slept with untold numbers of people for money, wearing only a tiny thong stuffed with dollar bills. There’s no distractions, no high to chase and lose himself in. Instead, he has the miracle that is Mary and the comfort she gives him despite everything he’s done and what he’s become. He can’t help but unload all the years of shame that had been eating him alive.

Mary can’t help but cry as well for Joseph, for the years they’ve lost, and for all the hurts they had to hold onto alone all this time.

There’s nothing like a good cry to unload so many pent up emotions. Eventually as the tears run dry, Joseph is left feeling spent, but just a little bit lighter.

…

“If this is a dream… I hope I don’t wake up ever again,” Joseph muttered.

Mary let out a small chuckle. It was clear to her that he didn’t mean to give voice to that thought, but she answered him anyway. “If you’re dreaming, I’ll just wake you up, sleeping beauty.”

Joseph caught the reference to one of their many old inside jokes. It was silly and reassuring, though not as reassuring as those arms wrapped around him, or the unexpected feel of her lips pressed against his crown. Instantly he lifted his head to see her flushed face as his sunshine had to look away.

“O-oh, uh… sorry,” Mary stammered, flustered. “I should’ve asked before doing that, shouldn’t I?”

This time it was Joseph’s turn to chuckle wryly. “You never have to apologize for kissing me, Sunshine.”

Mary struggled to look Joseph in the eye as he straightened up to face her properly. That crooked smile he wore sent her heart racing, and she was quickly reminded of not just their closeness, but his state of undress.

…

Needless to say, after they have a long talk about what they both really want, among other things, these two get back together. They’ve missed each other all this time, and they still love each other in spite of everything. They owe it to themselves and each other to at least try again.

Fortunately, things do work out between them… at least until the 1984 incident.

Perhaps they managed to somehow grow old together in this canon divergence. The butterfly effect and me being mushy for my OTP can do some pretty crazy things after all.

Regardless, Joseph quits all forms of sex work. It doesn’t feel right when they’re together again, and he doesn’t need anyone like he needs his sunshine. Instead he leaves with Mary to start over again with a new identity. He still has secrets that he holds back from her, but those will come out slowly over time when he’s ready.

After all, Mary saw Joseph in a state that made him feel so much shame, but still chose to be with him. She still loves him, flaws and all.

There’s plenty of conversations to be had between them in the future, but Joseph finds security in knowing that he can talk with Mary about the parts of himself that he dislikes so much. It’s never easy to talk about the mistakes that he’s made, but he finally has someone who loves him and wants to help him bear his burdens. He’ll bear hers too. It’s the least he can do to repay her for bringing love back to his scarred heart.

The fear of shattering the image Mary has of him is lessened by this exposure. She saw him when he felt so ashamed, so worthless, so filthy… and despite how much Joseph hated what he had become, she still loved him anyway.

It taught Joseph that he doesn’t have to hide his mistakes from Mary in order not to lose her.

Joseph still wants to change. He wants to be a better person, both for Mary and for himself. However, now he can see that maybe, just maybe he’s not as awful as he always believed himself to be.

When he starts over again with Mary, he gives himself the surname of Haberdae. It’s a reminder of his mistakes and a promise to himself to be better. Only in this AU, instead of using the name James, he decides to go by Joseph again.

While there’s nothing left he wants to keep of the Cullman name, Mary helped him see that there was still some worth in Joseph. Somehow she always saw worth in him when no one else could.

Even if it’s only in his sunshine’s eyes, her feelings for him are enough to weaken the hatred Joseph has for himself. In spite of everything he’s done, Mary has shown him that he is worthy of love, and he’ll forever be grateful for her.

Of course, once emotions calm a bit and things settle down, the two of them can turn his stripper days into another of their inside jokes. Joseph has plenty of dance moves to tease and tantalize his sunshine with. Mary certainly is going to get to enjoy plenty of private shows and lap dances with her beloved starlight.

When the topic becomes something a bit more comfortable, Mary even asks Joseph to teach her some of his dance moves. After all, even a retired stripper deserves to enjoy his own private show now and again~

The Sexy and Fluffy Finale

On that note, let’s jump into one last snippet and bring this post back to the fluffy, sexy, and silly idea it originally started out as. I think someone is owed a lap dance, don’t you?

…

“Watch closely, Sunshine,” Joseph practically purred as he sauntered towards her. He moved in time with the music, matching its deep bassy rhythm with the way he shifted his hips and ran his hands along his barely clothed body.

Mary swallowed hard as she followed his every movement with wide eyes. When he came close to her, she reached out for him instinctively. “Joseph…”

Joseph took a hold of her hands and clucked his tongue in faint disapproval. “Nuh, uh, uh. Touching the dancers isn’t allowed during the performance, Sunshine.” He brought her hands to his lips and kissed along her fingers as he locked eyes with her. “Try to keep your hands to yourself a little while longer. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.”

“O-okay,” Mary murmured as she watched Joseph guide her hands behind her back. She shivered when he then glided his fingers up along her arms before straightening up again.

It had been years since Joseph had put on such a seductive performance, but he found it easy to recapture that familiar rhythm. In fact, his movements came far more easily now and with a greater rush of excitement. The eyes watching his every move now weren’t just filled with lust. He could feel the affection in his sunshine’s gaze as well, the deep love and trust she had for him. The small, flustered smiles Mary wore as he drew in close to her were nothing but loving and warm.

Joseph adored the squeak Mary made as he rolled his hips against her lap. He ground himself lightly into one of her thighs, then the other, just giving a small taste of him to start. He wore his skimpiest pair of underwear, which couldn’t quite contain his cock as he became erect. He made sure to let her feel him grow harder by the moment, adding a bit more pressure to his gyrations against her thighs.

Mary gripped the chair’s backing tightly as she tried to keep still. Her body shook with each increasingly rapid breath, and she couldn’t help but squirm as her starlight ground his heat against her.

A small squeak escaped Mary as Joseph took a hold of her thighs and squeezed. He gave her one of his maddeningly sexy smirks before he leaned in to brush his lips against her. It was the softest of touches, barely more than the brush of a butterfly’s wing, and it only made her ache for more. Her lips chased after him reflexively to fall into a deeper kiss, but he remained maddeningly just out of reach save for the barest of touches.

“Not yet, Sunshine,” Joseph teased, hovering close enough that she could feel his lips shape the words against her mouth. “Soon, I promise. Just be patient a little longer.” He chuckled at the small, frustrated sound that escaped Mary as she tried to keep her back firmly pressed against the chair. “That’s it. Good girl.”

“Joseph…,” Mary said, his name coming out as a whine, unintended. That just got another chuckle out of Joseph and a slow roll of his hips against her already burning body. “Starlight…”

Joseph could help but bite his lower lip as he struggled to hold himself back from taking her right now. Driving Mary to this state, making her all but beg for his love gave him a rush that no crowd at any club he worked at could ever hope to replicate. The thong felt far too tight now to contain his excitement, and he needed to feel more of her. He made a show of rolling his hips  again before he moved to finally discard his final article of clothing.

“You’re doing so good for me, Sunshine,” Joseph all but purred. He could see Mary practically quaking in an effort not to squirm or reach out to him. He was drunk off her need, her love for him. It was all he could ever ask for. “Here’s your reward.”

Mary held her breath as Joseph took her hands and guided them to his chest. He didn’t have to do much prompting to encourage her to play with his body. She was only too eager to show how much she appreciated her one and only starlight.

Joseph groaned softly as Mary squeezed his pecs before teasingly tracing his nipples. He slid his hands along her arms before drawing her in closer to him, and she took that as an invitation to kiss his chest. “Yes, that’s it, Mary,” he cooed encouragingly before letting out a low moan as she flicked her tongue across his skin. “You’re doing so well.”

Mary let out a sound that was somewhere between a squeak and a whimper as she felt Joseph grind his hardness along her thighs and then her stomach. She tried to keep focus on leaving kisses all along his chest even as he ground himself against her. He was so careful not to put his full weight on her as he hovered over her lap, but he made sure that she could feel the pressure of his rock hard cock prodding her with his every movement.

Joseph let out a low moan of appreciation as he felt Mary’s hands work their way to his hips and grip him tightly. She started to use her tongue on him too, teasing and sucking his nipples each in turn. He loved the attention. He loved just how enthusiastic and eager he made his sunshine with just a little teasing, but he wasn’t about to give up the lead in this dance of his just yet.

Gently, Joseph grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled Mary back from his chest, taking great care not to be too rough. She made a small noise of protest, but thankfully not pain. He smiled triumphantly at her flushed face as she panted for breath and turned her beautiful blue eyes towards him.

“Mary,” Joseph said, his thick voice filled with so much emotion. “I love you so much.”

Mary smiled, and the sight of her just about made Joseph ready to melt. “I love you too, Joseph,” she said breathlessly. “So, so much…”

Joseph couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He seized her lips in a hungry kiss that claimed her as his, shivering in delight as she returned it with equal passion. Her tongue met his eagerly, and followed his lead in this sultry dance. He swallowed the small noises she made into his mouth as his hands wandered across her body to strip away her clothes. The kiss only ended with some reluctance to allow him to cast aside the last piece of cloth that separated them, which he flung across the room with a small note of spite.

They weren’t separated for long, as Mary wound her arms around his neck and pulled him back. She leaned in for another kiss, only to be thwarted when Joseph suddenly straightened up. Before she realized what was happening, she suddenly found herself scooped up into his arms, and she let out a squeal as she instinctively tightened her grip on him. “Starlight!”

Though Mary tried to sound alarmed or maybe offended at being picked up without warning, the note of laughter in her voice gave away her mock protest, and Joseph couldn’t help but laugh along with her.

Joseph gave his sunshine a crooked smile, his eyes smoldering with a hunger for her that he couldn’t contain. “I think it’s about time to switch from a lap dance to a private show, don’t you think?”

Instead of answering with words, Mary pulled Joseph in for another kiss, which he was only too happy to return.

[kwamiwayzz]

Why Jeckole (Jecka/Nicole) is the Most Popular Ship of Class of '09 - Part I

Or: Part I should be renamed to why is Aricole or Emicole not as popular as Jeckole?

After being in this community for sometime, and even waffling in-between thinking whether I still like this ship versus thinking they're just a repackaged, white American-version of another ship I love - that's another discussion for later, dear lord, I wanted to put all my thoughts down somewhere to why I think Jecka and Nicole have dominated as the most popular pairing within the Class of '09 fandom.

Disclaimer: I don't want this to be a whole post saying, "Jeckole is the best4eva, Emicole and Aricole sUX XD" but more of an explanation breaking down why this ship in particular is one that most of the fandom has gravitated towards when getting into Class of'09. After all, there has to be some reason to why it's still persisted among fans (old and new). There was even a Jeckole Week 2025 despite the fandom slowly fizzling out after Flip Side's release.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, time to dig into the popularity of SBN's most hated pairing. I haven't been in an English/Writing class since college, and it's been so long since I've ever written an essay, so let's hope (all my jumbled thoughts) everything I try to explain sounds coherent enough.

To the fans surprise (at least if you didn't know anything about SBN), he never wrote the interactions among all the girls with any queer subtext in mind. He mostly did it for 1) money, and 2) a way to get his fixation on teenage girls/lesbians out somewhere...The guy is a freak (and not in a good way). It's only a miracle that his game got this much traction and popularity.

He ended up playing himself because what else should he expect when his most hated pairing is one that the fandom loves. People can come up with all sorts of arguments as to how this game blowing up on TikTok led to teenage lesbians missing the point of the games or running off everything out of context and yadda, yadda, yadda...And maybe there is some validity in those arguments as well.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that Jecka and Nicole became the most popular ship even after SBN was "baiting" fans.

Shipping isn’t an unpredictable beast that grows completely independently of its source material. The ways writers craft interactions between their characters–and the places where they invest the most and infuse the most life–are powerful tools that impact how fans view and come to love seeing characters both separately and in romantic relationships. (Why Do Non-Canon Ships Become So Popular - And Why Should Writers Rethink When They Do? by sarehptar on AO3)

Fanart numbers is a completely different story, so I'm going to put that aside for now.

Starting with AO3 stats, Jeckole overshadows the other ships as one of the "Big 3" (Big 3 being Jeckole, Aricole, Emicole). On the left, it's the general numbers of pairs you could filter from. While on the right, it's after filtering the tags with "otp: true"

But wait...why are Ari and Nicole fics so criminally low compared to the monster of a ship that is Jeckole, when Aricole is considered canon? This same question can be applied to Emily and Nicole. Why does Jecka and Nicole still overshadow the other two pairs even though both Ari and Emily have canonically expressed romantic interest in Nicole in their respective routes?

[Full Text of Emily's Message Below]

you wont see this cuz they make us turn our phones off but i just want to write this for me. I'm glad we are dying together it just feels right and I can't think of anyone i would rather do it with. I may as well write this too... i am super fucking gay for you sorry i lied in the hallway and didn't tell u before we shared a bed and changed in front of each other. idk if that's rape or whatever but if it is sorry lol. i can die fulfilled cuz dying together with another girl is a bigger commitment than some soft ass bitch getting married to jack the construction worker or some other boring white guy who cant pronounce Beanie Sigel. but ya if you pass out first I'm gonna try to fall over on you so it looks like were cuddling <3

I think one explanation for this is that Ari and Emily's canonical romantic interest in Nicole, along with most of their interactions with her, are primarily isolated into one route. For Ari, this is through the Hate Crime/Abusive Exes Ending. While for Emily, this is through the Suicide Pact Ending. That's not to say that shippers can't fuel themselves off crumbs and scraps until the end of time--look at one of Aricole's most well-known artists, Misan. But when taking a peek into the Class of '09 fandom from an outside perspective, the first ship you'll most likely come across is Jeckole. Even some people who like Aricole, Emicole, or some rarepairs, tend to be multishippers who universally think Jeckole is a good pairing.

As I've mentioned in previous discussions with a few people on Tumblr, Jecka and Nicole's interactions span throughout all three games in multiple routes. Nicole's interactions with Jecka aren't confined to just one or two routes. It's understandable why others would see their interactions as that of your typical best friends trope. And that's completely fine too--I actually initially saw them as just that until I decided to try the game out on a whim one day.

However, after reading an essay from sarehptar (Echodrops on Tumblr), they mention something about "emotional energy" within a story:

When I talk about “emotional energy,” I don’t necessarily mean romantic emotions (and in fact, in the case of most non-canon ships, I don’t mean romantic emotions at all!). Rather, what I mean is the weight, power, and dynamism of the myriad emotions characters express for one another, including friendship/camaraderie, trust, reliance, frustration, anger, hatred, sadness, etc. For the purposes of this discussion, emotional energy is any of the meaningful emotional interactions that two characters share–especially those which drive the main plot of a story.

I figured in the context of Nicole and Jecka in the VNs, it made sense as to why many fans gravitated towards them compared to the side pairings. This isn't to say that Nicole doesn't have emotional energy with Emily or Ari. There's a reason why Aricole and Emicole are one of the main pairings of the fandom. However, among the three main leads that Nicole interacts with, there's only one person who she centers herself around (and vice versa to an extent).

And that's Jecka.

(Screenshot from the Anime Pilot because look how much of a wet cat Nicole is trying to win Jecka's favor back)

In every single route from the original game, Jecka is always introduced to Nicole no matter what choice she makes. Whether this is after talking to Crispin or Jeffery at the beginning of the game, she always ends up running into Jecka either way.

(Screenshots Below - On the left is on Nicole's first day of school. On the right is on Nicole's second day of school if she didn't meet Jecka on the first day.)

In both instances of her first meeting with Jecka, Nicole was readily available to give out her name to this girl she just met despite having the mindset that any bonds she makes will be completely pointless. She even goes on to talk about herself and her issues with her brother to Jecka within the first two days she's met her.

"But Nicole is probably just doing that because Jecka is a more tolerable option!"

That could be true, but the player doesn't get the same kind of introduction between Nicole and Emily, Nicole and Ari, or Nicole and any other student. With Jeffery, she was only messing with him. By the time Nicole interacts with Emily in Re-Up, they're already friends. I think they're already somewhat-acquainted before the Remedial English (Suicide Pact/Get Ms. Ames Fired) Route.

By the time Nicole interacts with Ari in Re-Up, they already know each other (though, Nicole finds her a bit of an annoyance). Ari also falls for Nicole quickly after their session with the counselor while Nicole is primarily in power once they start to date.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm dismissing the other two pairings when I bring up other scenes and interactions between Jecka and Nicole. You can view them as just best friends (or even friends-of-convenience), while seeing Nicole's relationship with Ari or Emily as a more valid romantic option, and that's okay. But the examples I'm going to talk about are to give insight on why this non-canon ship is so popular within the fandom despite never canonically expressing any romantic feelings towards one another.

(Side Note: I've probably re-read sarehptar/Echodrops's essay more times than I can count in the past few days)

To get this out of the way, I'm going to get into why Aricole and Emicole are often overshadowed by Jeckole.

You can argue that Nicole does center herself around Ari or Emily, depending on which route you choose in Re-Up. In the Date Ari Route, Nicole is constantly with her girlfriend (mostly abusing her), but that sense of push-and-pull isn't exactly as apparent. It's more of Nicole pulling, and Ari being pulled.

While I've seen arguments that Ari's more manipulative side can be seen from the Rejection Route, it still has the same vibe as the Date Ari Route except Ari is the one pulling, while Nicole is being pulled. I've seen fans love this aspect of this ship, and it all boils down to preferences. But that lack of push-pull within canon is probably why it's not on the same level of popularity as Jeckole. (That doesn't make Aricole a bad ship. Do not come for me!) Ari and Nicole aren't shown in canon to be equally on par in keeping up with one another.

The tension between them either leans more towards one character or the other, depending on which route the player goes for (Hate Crime or Abusive Exes). This is why some fans do the work themselves and combine aspects of both of these routes to get a more "equal playing-field" Aricole.

Okay, so if Aricole feels like a pull-and-be-pulled dynamic, then wouldn't Emily and Nicole be on more equal ground? They both have similar backgrounds with mental health issues and are both pretty unhinged people. Like others have said, they're the epitome of, "They make each other worse."

During Suicide Pact in Re-Up, Emily mentions how she planned to flush all her Seroquel down the toilet after feeling the adrenaline rush of everything she did when spending time with Nicole. This entire route has them fucking around, skipping remedial, making Jeffery's life worse--and they both get a rush from that. But when Nicole starts to see how unmedicated/unfiltered Emily actually is, she starts to get a little scared of her.

This duo starts out as if they're on equal ground, but the moment Emily turns into her unmedicated BPD-self, Nicole just gets pulled into whatever Emily does so that she doesn't piss her off. And I figure that Nicole's fear (and respect) of Emily is why she didn't try to save her, and only saved herself when they both planned to overdose in Ms. Ames class.

What is it that both Emily and Ari have in common despite having canonical romantic feelings for Nicole? Both of their dynamic with Nicole feel almost one-sided. I don’t just mean with their romantic feelings, I also mean with their dynamic in general.

“The games aren’t meant to be a dating sim!”

Yeah I know. But when Nicole doesn’t interact with Ari all that much, they’re neither focal points to each other’ narratives at all. The same can be said for Emily.

With Jecka, Nicole is almost always with her. They skip class together, they do drugs together, they got into a situation where they pissed off a mall cop, etc, etc. I also want to point out that Jecka is often the first person that Nicole goes to when she’s bored, wants someone to talk to, or wants to hang around, and is willing to (kinda of) change for. However, while the part about Nicole “changing” is a stretch, canonically-speaking, I was going to try and go more in-depth with that in Part II.

When Nicole isn’t around Jecka, Jecka ends up going back to her shallow high school friendships (like with Kelly), but admits to Nicole that she only sat with Kelly so she isn't alone. So…they’re both in the same boat and drive each other’s narratives of trying to survive the bullshit of high school through each other.

Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be a formal analysis at all, but I think I went a bit too far to the point where my brain feels absolutely fried now. I’m just hoping this doesn’t come across as ship-bashing when comparing Nicole’s dynamic with both Ari and Emily.

Who knows how long Part II will take me lol.

[thechildofshadows]

A DAY FOR LOVE

Avery Grambs/Jameson Hawthorne - 2k

Alright!!! This is my sad, sad attempt at fluff, and I also haven't written since like June, so I've had about half a year to lose my writing skills to the mess that is social media. This fic happens between The Hawthorne Legacy and the Final Gambit. When we first see our OTP, they've just told the world that they're dating, and they're preparing for a charity gala. (anyone can read- I rated this General Audiences on Ao3) have fun!

T-MINUS FOUR HOURS (BEFORE THE GALA)

“You’re nervous.” The statement came from Jameson, who saw right through her rapid finger-tapping as more than just an outlet for boredom.

Out of all of the things Avery needed to do that day, filling out forms seemed like the least stressful- and yet, it didn’t seem to curb her anxiety.

She looked up from her desk, and watched Jameson lean his back against the doorframe, putting her in the center of his field of vision.

“Of course I’m nervous! The Hawthorne Foundation Gala is today, and for some reason I’m doing taxes-“

“-and for your pain and suffering, you deserve at least a year’s worth of chocolate donuts!” Xander burst into the room, bearing said chocolate donuts and nearly knocking over Jameson. He tossed his brother a donut before taking a better look at Avery. “I fear you may require a stronger source of sugar with the amount of stress coming from you.” he placed the donuts on her desk.

When Avery didn’t take a donut, he raised an eyebrow. “Does this have nothing to do with taxes and everything to do with an upcoming press release involving the two of you?”

Avery looked at him, seeming close to panic, and both of Xander’s eyebrows went up. “I will take that as a yes, leave this room, and strongly recommend you lovebirds speak to each other.”

Jameson left the door and stood against her desk, facing away. “Do you regret this, Heiress?”

Avery stood and braced herself on the desk. “Of course not. You know that, I know that, but does everyone else know?”

Jameson looked at her. “We’re doing this so that everyone knows. I don’t know if they’ll believe us, but they’ll be informed.”

Avery turned around, and leaned against Jameson. “They’re never going to believe or accept it. This community is weird, Jameson. They hate me enough as is, they’re never going to accept us together.”

Jameson raised an amused eyebrow. “Is that what you think?”

“What?”

“Look, you gave Alisa the picture and the caption yesterday. She posted it about two minutes ago-“

“-when the donuts came?” Avery’s shock was mixed with anger and relief and it caused Jameson to give her a small smirk.

“-yes, when the donuts came. I think you’re prepared for the worst, Heiress, but maybe not as prepared for the reception we’re truly receiving.” He handed her her phone.

Avery rapidly opened up Instagram and found her phone filled with notifications. She checked her latest post and found a picture of herself and Jameson covered in paint, from the day the two had built and painted her desk. In the photo, she gave Jameson a kiss on the cheek and it was captioned ‘first love ❤️❤️’.

It had over a million likes.

“Wait, a million?” Jameson leaned over her shoulder to look at her phone. It felt oddly domestic and she embraced the feeling. “Alisa said it had 10,000. It’s been less than five minutes, how is the app still running?”

Avery shrugged, a smile finding its way onto her lips. She opened up the comment section.

angel_face222 THEYRE SO CUTE

SONICSCREAMS people date this guy?

reply from lia-eliza dude imagine the kids 😍���

HOT_TO_GO OPPOSITES ATTRACT CONFIRMED?????

      reply from SONICSCREAMS didn't she date his brother 😭 like that one interview

laffytaffyhappy does this mean he’ll stop being all law-breaky or will she start doing illegal shit.

my-name-is-slim-shaky wait, I lwk never imagined this, but they work so well together, it's my new OTP

theCALENDARRR oh to be young and in love.

      reply from I_is_calculator you're like 16

      reply from theCALENDARR shut up Jessica

      reply from I_is_calculator my name is Elena 😭

Jameson stopped her from scrolling further. "Look, the reception isn't all going to be puppies and chocolate donuts. But I think you're doing pretty good if Instagram thinks it’s not propaganda.”

"Jameson, that was five people out of-" she checked the phone again. "nine thousand comments."

Jameson shrugged. "I highly doubt they're the only five positive ones, Heiress, you would've had a harder time finding it otherwise."

Alisa, who Avery hadn't seen since that morning, walked into the room holding a large garment bag, followed by a makeup artist. "Congratulations, Avery. That's one of the most positively recieved posts I've ever seen on your account."

Jameson raised an eyebrow at Avery, giving her a look that said I told you so, and Avery let go of a breath she didn't even know she had been holding. "You're not joking?"

"Have you ever known Alisa to joke?" Alisa glared at Jameson, who punctuated the statement with a smirk.

Alisa turned to Avery. "About 95% of the general public reacted well, and out of that 5% that didn't, most were teenage girls."

Avery sighed. "As expected."

With the problem mostly settled, Alisa clapped her hands. "Okay, then, onto the rest of our duties. Avery, you have a gala in about four hours. Jameson, get out."

Jameson opened his mouth to protest and then decided against it, for he closed his mouth and dropped a kiss on the top of Avery's head before leaving.

Avery turned to Alisa. "You didn't have to kick him out."

Alisa closed the door behind Jameson, before ushering Avery to the bathroom. "Once you figure out how to get your makeup on while holding a conversation with him, he'll be allowed to stay. We need you both there on time, and you take significantly longer to get ready than he does."

T-MINUS ONE HOUR (Before the gala)

Jameson wasn’t exactly one to panic, but neither was Avery. He began tapping his foot and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down.

Alisa had left him a selection of four ties and matching pocket squares, and Jameson assumed he was supposed to wear them with a tuxedo. He pulled out the garment bag containing the black one, and began slowly buttoning his shirt.

The sounds of Hakuna Matata filled the room while he tucked his shirt in, and Jameson sighed before picking up his phone. Xander had set his ringtone over two weeks ago; Jameson hadn't gotten around to hacking it yet.

"How are ya doin', Jamie?"

"You live three doors down, why don't you tell me?" he hung up the call.

Not two seconds later, Nash strolled into his room, wearing flannel over jeans and a band t-shirt.

"You look like a waiter. Didn’t Grayson ever teach you to dress yourself?” he took a look toward the rest of the clothing Jameson had set out to wear.

Jameson ran a hand through his hair. “I look the same. I wore this last week.” 

“And then someone asked you for champagne. And you socked them in the face.”

He then proceeded to walk into Jameson's closet -"There’s nothing wrong with what I'm wearing!" "People are gonna ask you for more caviar; Grayson told me to not let you leave the house like that."- and after rummaging for two minutes, found a waistcoat that he didn't even know existed. It was the exact color of the tie Jameson wanted to pick, but Nash procured a black tie and pocket square.

"I think this is the same color as her dress, but honestly, it's gonna be dark, who's gonna see?" Nash held up the waistcoat, as if the nonexistant light would help him see better. 

Jameson took it from him. "Have I ever worn this?"

"Maybe. You were also drinking a lot, so I doubt you or the news remembers." Nash sniffed the cloth. "You would never even know. It doesn't even smell like bourbon."

Jameson raised an unimpressed eyebrow as he began to put his tie on.. “Don’t tell me you’re being serious.”

Nash crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “I couldn’t tell you whether it was true or not, Jamie, you wouldn’t believe me no matter what I said.”

Jameson buttoned up his waistcoat. “A wise man takes all truths with a grain of salt.” 

“Bullshit.” Nash drew out the first syllable.

Jameson gave his brother a smirk. “Don’t you know it.” He grabbed the suit jacket and left.

1.5 HOURS IN

“Oh hello dear!” The sound of posh over-confidence crept up behind Avery, who quickly turned.

“Mrs. Anderson!” The woman was one of the slightly pushy heads of a charity created to support budding culinary minds. While incredibly specific, the charity had sent over a thousand students to culinary school, who went on to open restaurants that were all doing pretty well. Avery didn’t mind the woman; she was a lot nicer than most of the attendees, and used her reach to benefit the people who needed it. “How are you, ma’am?”

“I’m doing great, darling, but we need to talk about that dress. You look stunning!”

Avery was draped in dark red silk, covering one arm, and hugging her body until it hit her hips, where it flowed in waves, just shy of reaching the ground. The asymmetrical neckline and bottom of the skirt were covered in minimal silver embroidery-visible when the light hit just so. Alisa had shoved her in a pair of black stilettos, and curled her hair, painting her lips with the same red as her dress. A silver choker was clasped around her throat, matching her earrings and the bracelets on her left hand.

She thanked the woman, handing her a glass of champagne, and asked, “Have you heard about the charity we’re sponsoring today?”

Avery and the woman chatted for a couple of minutes as Avery convinced her to donate thousands of dollars out of pocket.

“Cancer truly is a scary thing.” Mrs. Anderson smiled softly. “I lost my husband to lung cancer. I doubt the majority of these people consider the research worth funding.”

“They think they’re untouchable.” Avery said.

“Precisely, my dear.” The woman grabbed another glass of champagne before looking behind Avery. “Oh, I must add, you and Jameson Hawthorne are a beautiful couple.”

Avery felt her cheeks heat and she looked down, but Mrs. Anderson hadn’t finished. “The amount of love you two have for each other is simply incredible. Just being in the same room as you two makes me feel like an outsider; your bond is so sweet.”

Avery paused. Same room? She turned and saw an incredibly familiar face.

Jameson Hawthorne had finally showed up. He wore a dark grey suit-so dark it was nearly black, with a waistcoat the color of wine and silver chains. His tie matched his suit jacket and his hair was artfully arranged, neat with enough personality such that he still looked like himself.

Mrs. Anderson gave Avery a soft smile. “You two look at each other like a man seeing the stars for the first time in years. If this isn’t true love, I don’t know what is!”

Avery’s lips parted. “Really?”

“Oh trust me darling, you and Jameson are something that happens once in a lifetime.” The woman winked and walked away, exchanging greetings with Jameson, who was headed Avery’s way.

She motioned towards the side of the room, and he showed up a minute later with two wineglasses.

She leaned on a pillar and he stood her to her. “You look beautiful, Heiress.” Jameson handed her the wineglass as he said the statement.

Avery smiled. “And yet, you still upstage me by millions. How has this gala gone so far?”

Jameson grimaced and drained the wineglass like a shot. “All people want to talk about is the fact that I’m ‘off the market and it’s such a shame and won’t I please put in a good word for Grayson’ - if I hear another woman tell me any of that, I’m going through the old man’s whiskey stash.”

Avery suppressed a smile and switched their glasses. She doubted she would drink the wine, and Jameson seemed like he needed it more than she did. Jameson wasn’t usually this open, and she wondered if the wine wasn’t his first drink of the night. “You seem like you’ve had fun.”

Jameson shot her a smirk. “And you should be prepared for more, Heiress,” he clinked his glass against hers, “because I believe the slow dances just started.”

For the few hours, Jameson and Avery alternated between spinning around the dance floor and resting at the bar. Their routine was occasionally interrupted by a speech, a person or both, but by the end of the night, they had raised over a million dollars to charity. The venue closed, but they stayed for an additional thirty minutes to supervise cleanup.

  It took about forty minutes to get back to Hawthorne House and once they made it to Avery’s room, she tossed her heels into her closet and sat on the nearest chair.

Avery sighed. “I am never doing this again.” She stood up and began removing her jewelry, shedding her media persona for the sake of comfort.

Jameson unzipped her dress. “I highly doubt that.”

Avery shot him a look and she had to stifle a laugh when he mirrored it.

Once they were both changed and under the covers, Avery turned to Jameson and propped her head on a hand. “Do you know what day it is?”

Jameson’s eyes glittered and Avery knew he knew the answer. “The fourteenth?”

Avery rolled her eyes. “Valentine’s Day.”

Jameson smirked. “An astute observation, Heiress. And while one AM is a perfectly reasonable time to exchange gifts and other things, I don’t think you want to leave this bed right now.”

Avery nodded. “Definitely not.”

“Then Happy Valentine’s Day, Heiress, and I’ll see you when we inevitably wake up in six hours.”

Avery laughed and pulled him in for a kiss. When they broke apart, she whispered, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jameson.”

And if she woke up the next day with several news articles focusing on the gala (or rather its hosts), well, she was going to ignore it all and spend the entire day with her amazing boyfriend.

fin.

Alright- 2.5 thousand words later, I wish you a happy Valentine’s Day!

(or just a happy Friday if you don’t have plans like me 😄)

(dividers are from @/cafekitsune)

please like, reblog and leave feedback in the comments. Or just throw tomatoes at me. Anything works.

I also realize now that im going to keep writing even if the reception is negative, so if you want to be added to the taglist, let me know!

expect another fic in 1-2 weeks, more likely 2 than one.

[icyg4l]

PAC: Energy Check-In

Hello beautiful people! I have been so inconsistent with posting. Thank you all for your patience. But anyway, tonight's reading will consist of an energy check-in. We all need one, even me! Also, the Five Dollar Friday Sale will still happen! It will take place from 12 AM-11PM. Thank you guys so much for your support! Don't forget to check out the guidelines before booking with me. Dm me privately if you have any questions. Without further ado, please select your pile!

Left-to-Right: (1-3)

Pile One: I feel like you are currently trying to figure out what to do with yourself. I heard "I got so much energy!" in my head. Your sacral chakra is booming. I feel like you could be super horny or feeling like you need to create something. But you are trying to figure out a way to do this in an appropriate manner. The solution will come quick. There could be a partnership coming your way that will allow you to be more free flowing. It is essential at this time that you find ways to express yourself. Do not feed into self-limiting beliefs. You are prone to making impulsive decisions like dying your hair late at night or buying clothes that you won't even put on a year from now. Focus on what will fulfill you in the long run and stop trying to scratch an unscratchable itch. It will make you see things much easier.

Cards Used: 8 of Swords, 5 of Swords, The Hierophant, Ace of Wands, 8 of Wands, Queen of Wands.

Pile Two: Someone has you feeling real good. Princess treatment will do that to you. When you have the right people around you, you feel unstoppable. I heard "Who you feeling like?" in my head. Right now, you could be receiving lots of compliments, which boost your morale as a result. I am seeing a young girl toss her hair from side to side with her fingertips. In the back of your mind, you may worry about how long this version of you will last. You need to not allow the past comments of hate get to you at this time. Do not self-sabotage yourself because people could not see the light in you. Let the haters do the hating for you. You could have Saturn in the 12th house which relates to the subconscious. You need to have conversations with your inner child to heal. Move forward from the angst and the hurt people have caused you. Start anew. And most importantly, forgive yourself.

Cards Used: Ace of Wands, 2 of Cups, 10 of Cups, King of Discs, 4 of Cups, The Devil, 6 of Cups.

Pile Three: You are in this lover girl energy. It almost feels familiar --- the scenario that you have found yourself to be in. You need to look closer with this person. Everyone will pass your test if you don't do any further investigation. You have the tendency to get "stuck on" crushes for a long time. You could be prone to limerence. You are going to get the answer that you are looking for, a reality check. But it will be in your best interest, don't worry. You are trying to investigate from afar but this won't really benefit you. You need to pay close attention and start being less lenient. You're a cute girl and you know that, don't you? But what is cute if it means you lose your mind every time you find someone attractive? Part of your lesson in this life is to be more comfortable with accepting your beauty as is. You are not incomplete if you are not in an "OTP", love.

Cards Used: The Moon, The Empress, 4 of Discs, 4 of Wands, 10 of Cups, 5 of Wands, Justice, 2 of Discs

[gydima]

Paddy/Eoin fic: Fancy running into you here

I'm a simple girl. I see a funny tumblr post, imagine it happening to my OTP, and write a quick fic about it. (Also posted to AO3.)

"What the fuck is wrong with—"

Paddy comes out of his car blazing, anger exacerbated by the pain in his shoulder and the rush of adrenaline. He cuts his oncoming tirade short when he sees the other driver exit his car, wide-eyed and horrified.

"Oh, god, are you all right?" the man asks, rushing to Paddy's side without sparing a glance at either vehicle. "I'm so sorry, I can't believe I hit you." He reaches out abortively, stopping short of touching Paddy.

"I'm, um." Paddy flounders; there's no mistaking Eoin McGonigal, who Paddy spent hours ogling at university. He's older, obviously, and somehow more handsome, lanky body wrapped in smart trousers and a dress shirt, with the top two buttons open and sleeves rolled up far enough to expose the lean but strong forearms that starred in many of Paddy's fantasies. "I'm fine," he says when his brain comes back online.

Eoin's expression changes from worry to disbelief. "You're fine? I don't think your arm is meant to look like that!"

"What?" Paddy asks, looking down. He's not nearly so well-dressed as Eoin, wearing joggers, trainers and a vest that clearly reveals his dislocated shoulder. "Oh, that. You mean this doesn't happen to you all the time?" he asks, bracing himself against the side of his car and using the force of his body to push his shoulder back into socket.

"Fuck me!" Eoin says, looking a bit green.

Those are words Paddy never thought he'd hear Eoin say, and they're certainly not said in the way he'd ever imagined. Ah, well.

"It's truly no big deal," Paddy explains, holding the arm close to his body and bracing it there with his other hand. "It's Ehlers-Danlos."

"Is... is that your name?" Eoin asks.

"Oh. No. Paddy Mayne. I'd shake your hand, but— " He nods toward his shoulder, although he can barely feel the pain now through the excitement/terror of seeing Eoin again.

"Of course! I'm so sorry, again. I don't know if you saw it, but a dog ran across the road, so I swerved to avoid it and my car skidded. I should have known better than to do that when the roads are this slick. I'm rambling, sorry. Eoin McGonigal."

Paddy nods. "I know. We were in the same Law & Ethics course a few years ago."

"Oh!" Eoin says, warm brown eyes brightening. "Blair!"

"Aye, that's what the professor called me. I mostly go by Paddy, though," he says, taken aback that Eoin remembers him. Eoin was surrounded by friends in the course they shared — and everywhere else on university grounds. They had a few exhilarating debates in the lecture hall that term, but only ever exchanged hellos and some quick pleasantries outside of class.

"Paddy, then. Are you OK other than the shoulder?"

"I think so. Are you?"

Eoin nods. "The dog made it across unscathed, or else I'd be an emotional disaster right now."

"Priorities," Paddy says with a smile. "Speaking of, shall we check the damage?"

They each take stock of their own vehicle and the other's. Luckily, the damage appears to be mostly limited to their bumpers.

"Not too bad," Eoin says. "I have good insurance, so coverage shouldn't be a problem. Unless you're feeling litigious?"

"Not particularly," Paddy replies. "But shouldn't you have known better than to admit fault, as someone who was at the top of our class?"

"Near the top," Eoin corrects him. "Not quite at the top."

"Aye, I know," Paddy says with a smirk.

Eoin laughs. "Did you know my goal that entire term was to best you on just one exam? I never did get there."

"Me?" Paddy asks, raising his eyebrows. "I didn't think you even remembered me."

Eoin looks down, scuffing one of his shiny Oxfords across the pavement before glancing back up through his eyelashes. "I might have been pretending not to recognize you, until you said you remembered me."

"Is that so," Paddy says. "I wouldn't have guessed that."

"Really?" Eoin asks with a soft, lovely smile. "You were the prize law student and rugby player. I'm more surprised you recognized me."

"You shouldn't be," Paddy says, emboldened by Eoin's signals. "You were one of the only other out lads at uni. And the handsomest."

Eoin flushes, cheeks going that sweet, blotchy red Paddy always found so endearing. "Well, I was too shy to ask you then, but maybe we could exchange numbers now? For insurance purposes, if nothing else."

"I wouldn't mind that," Paddy says, rattling off his number after Eoin pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens a new text. He watches Eoin tap in his number with long, elegant fingers (which also figured heavily into Paddy's fantasies) and keeps watching for a good minute longer while Eoin types out what looks to be an awfully long message.

"There," Eoin says at last, and Paddy's phone vibrates. "I just sent you a text."

Paddy reaches for his own phone and opens up his latest message, from an unsaved number.

"Hey it's Eoin, the guy who hit you with his car. Sorry if this is inappropriate but would you wanna get dinner or coffee or lunch or a drink or something where l open doors for you & buy you consumable goods sometime? I promise not to run over you ever again 🥺 I just don't know many guys who can pop their own shoulder back in & make a joke while doing it. Ur very cute."

Paddy looks back up, squinting at Eoin's hopeful smile as if in thought. "Hmmm, I suppose so," Paddy says teasingly. Then, more seriously: "You don't know how disappointed I would have been if you only wanted to exchange insurance details."

Eoin laughs, the sound just as enchanting as it was at uni. "I think I have some idea," he says.

Paddy starts to shrug, then winces as the pain in his shoulder surges back to the forefront. "If you really want to open doors for me, could you start with your car? I probably shouldn't drive until I can get home and get my arm in a sling."

"Oh, of course! I can't believe I've stood here flirting with you while you were hurting," Eoin says. "Do you want me to drive your car instead? I can catch the bus back this direction to pick mine up after we get you home."

"Sure, all right," Paddy agrees, pleased at Eoin's thoughtfulness and admission of flirting. He gives Eoin his keys, and sure enough Eoin opens the passenger door for him, helps him fasten his seat belt, then closes the door behind him.

"I'm surprised you trust me to drive you after all this," Eoin says once he's in the driver's side, adjusting the seat and mirrors to account for his height.

"As long as we don't come across any rogue dogs, I think I can trust you," Paddy says.

Eoin wraps those long fingers around the steering wheel and grins over at Paddy. "I won't let you down," he says.

Paddy doesn't doubt him for a moment.

end.

A couple of notes: If you were worried, Paddy and Eoin had already pulled their cars off the road and into a parking lot or something before the fic starts. They're not in the middle of the road having a chat with traffic all around them.

Also, should Paddy have been playing rugby at university if he had Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome? Absolutely not. But he would have anyway, and he definitely would have been the guy who popped his own joints back into socket once he got tired of seeing doctors for it all the time.

[scarareg]

From 0 to 10, which grades would you give to PJO ships?

Hi anon! This is such a fun question! Thanks for sending it! I tried to choose the most popular ships because there are so many variations of them, but if you are curious about a specific one that I didn't mention, feel free to ask!

Percabeth (Percy x Annabeth)

3/10 I give it a 3 only because in PJO they are cute but in HOO they are full of red flags and I hate what Rick did with them. I feel like their goals for the future do not align at all, and it is as if they together because that is what they are used to and not because they are in love. It seems like Percy is always trying to accommodate to what Annabeth wants and I think in the long run that would make him miserable, and those feeling will make worst a relationship that is already fragile.

In the future he is going to resent her so bad, because we already see that he doesn't feel comfortable joking/talking about some topics because Annabeth gets mad, now add him feeling like he has to follow everything she says or do just to be "the perfect boyfriend". It is a recipe for disaster

AnnieLuke (Annabeth x Luke)

1/10 this one is complicated. The thing is that I understand the appeal of a childhood besfrieds to lovers, I love those, BUT Luke never saw Annabeth as anything but a little sister. That + the fact that their relationship became toxic, it just make me uncomfortable. Sorry Annie, but this one is not the one, at least in my opinion (and in Luke's lmao)

Perluke (Percy x Luke)

4/10 I see you fans of friends to enemies to lovers or friends to lovers to enemies, I get it, but to me this one lacks that je ne sais quoi to make it appealing. But I can understand why some people like it. And I am part of the team "Percy had a crush on Luke yet he was the last to know"

Percico (Percy x Nico)

10/10 they are my OTP. I like how they complement each other. They have the history, the angst, the complexity. I like the dynamic of two characters who went through a lot, but deal with trauma in opposite ways.

They are ride or die for each other, but they keep that information a secret from each other, which makes their relationship really fun.

Most importantly Nico thinks Percy is cool AF and he adores him just the way he is. Percy is one of the few people who tried to get close to Nico and to understand him.

Their empathetic nature would make this relationship super sweet, tender and calm. For example, if one of them need to rest or are stressed out, they can go to the other and they will know if they need to talk or just want to nap.

Bonus points because their relationship with each other's parents would make their relationship even more interesting and fun!

Perachel (Percy x Rachel)

9/10 love this one! My second fave Percy ship! This is Percy's loss, to be honest. Their chemistry is super natural and they are always having fun! Rachel seems like a low-maintenance partner, so being with her must be pretty easy. She would not make drama if Percy can't be there with her for some time because he has to save the world or whatever. I think he can chill with her, and just like with Nico, Percy just being Percy is enough

Valgrace (Leo x Jason)

9/10 What I like about them is that both are insecure about themselves but always see the best in each other. Jason is Leo's hype man and Leo is always thinking about how impressive Jason is. Where Leo is chaotic, Jason is calm. Where Jason is anxious, Leo is chill. They just screams healthy couple

Jiper (Jason x Piper)

2/10 the problem here is how the relationship started. Both of them are really kind to each other, but their romance is based on a lie, which neither of them is to blame for, but it just feels wrong. To me, after knowing how their relationship started, Piper seems to like Jason enough to stay a couple, and Jason was too kind and just rolled with it, and that is not good reason to stay with someone in my opinion.

Liper (Leo x Piper)

9/10 shout out to @maygirlsposts to make me see the light with this one! Before, it never crossed my mind they could be a couple, but gosh! They are so cute together!

Piper and Leo genuinely have a connection, they share sense of humor, they have been through difficult stuff together and are empathetic towards the other's problems. They have a healthy balance between being chaotic when they are chilling, and having the ability to have honest conversations when necessary. They are overall wholesome AF!

Extra points for being the healthy version of Hephaestus x Aphrodite

Jasico (Jason x Nico)

10/10 this one is not my ship,only because I prefer them as besties, but I see the vision of their shippers; and I give them a 10 because they are probably the healthiest ship Nico has, to be honest.

Jason is always so patient with Nico, and sincere yet kind. Is great to see Nico feeling at ease with him. Jason has the stability Nico needs in a relationship.

Both bring the best of each other, and push the other to do and be the best they can be!

Jeyna (Jason x Reyna)

8/10 oh what could have been! The tragedy of the lost potential! They were too powerful together and Rick couldn't handle that.

They have history together and understand each other deeply. They are both strong mentally and physically, so they could be the standard of a demigod couple. They are both healthy people on their own, so their relationship would naturally be nice.

Their love story could have been so interesting, like: separated by war and the gods, reunited by fate!

To tell you a secret, I see them as Nico's unofficial parents/older siblings. Basically, they both adopted him separately, protect him, and genuinely care about him. They would have been one hell of parents lmao

Jercy (Jason x Percy)

6/10 this one is fun! Again it is not my ship, but I like their dynamic. They give "Two bros,chilling in the hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay" energy

Frazel (Frank x Hazel)

9/10 this is the only canon ship I like! Frank is super sweet and Hazel is always so kind, both are just wholesome AF! Like two teddy bears! I like that they started out as friends and both were seen as the "weird kids", that makes me think their bond is just genuine!

Lazel (Leo x Hazel)

5/10 they are cute, I just prefer them as friends. And not gonna lie, the fact that Hazel's ex is Leo's grandpa makes them kinda weird to me as a couple.

As friends will give them a 8/10, they need more time to get closer, but they already are super fun!

Fraleo (Frank x Leo)

6/10 They are funny! Like wholesome-awkward meets wholesome-chaotic. They just make me laugh because of how cute they would be, completely adorable! Too pure for this world!

I like this, but personally I like my ships with more angst, so I prefer them as friends. But you guys, their shippers, you must be the cutest, most wholesome people out there!

Leo x Frank x Hazel

7/10 I see the vision, but as you can see, I like Leo being their bestie instead of in a romance. But I understand! What's better than a love triangle? An OT3!

Pipabeth (Piper x Annabeth)

8/10 I like them a lot! This is the ship I like for Annabeth. In general I think Annabeth seems more comfortable with women. It feels like Rick wrote her as a lesbian-who-doesn't-know-she-is-one, but did so whithout realizing. Her chemistry with Piper (and with Reyna) just comes naturally and she looks like she is having fun!

Piper's fun personality complements Annabeth's logical one. Piper is all feelings, Annabeth is all brains, love that!

Also, just imagine their mothers' reactions when they find out they are dating!

Pipercy (Piper x Percy)

5/10 this is fun! But it needs that something else to make it super appealing to me, you know. Both are crack heads so they would be hilarious and a menace together! I can see the appeal! For me, I just prefer them as besties, like "Prepare for trouble! And make it double!"

Solangelo (Nico x Will)

3/10 in canon, 10/10 in fanon

First of all, can we talk about how fucking ethereal their ship name is? The ship name gets an ∞/10!

Now, the ship. I will start saying that I LOVE ships that are opposites attracts, but sadly this ship is a bit like Percabeth, but better. Let me explain. The concept is there, but at the moment of writing their romance, Rick kinda sucks. Genuinely think fic writers do a better job writing them.

For starters I have a problem with Nico being outed by Cupid. And I do not like at all that he doesn't have time to process that trauma, neither his crush on Percy and the heartbreak that comes after his rejection. Will is shoehorned into the narrative because "Nico needs a boyfriend" and Will is the only character available. He was a glorified extra.

This takes me to that I feel Rick thinks a relationship will solve all of your problems. I firmly believe that Nico needed time alone to recover from all of his trauma, which is a lot. But Rick's solution for this kind of stuff is "get a partner!". (Leo and Piper also suffered of this)

Is like: "Did you live through World War II? Your mom died and you were immediately stuck in an hotel for maybe one or two months? When you finally got out, were you in another century? Your sister died one week later? Years passed and you lived on your own for a while and felt scared and isolated from everyone you knew? Did you fight another war? Went to Tartarus and came back and then get kidnapped? You almost died, again? Had to fight again? Don't worry, having a boyfriend will solve all your problems!"

And I HATE IT! This is not Will's fault, it's Rick's. So I feel bad for not loving Solangelo in canon, but I really think Nico needs time for himself, he will have time for boyfriends in the future after he gets in a better head space.

Conclusion Will and Nico deserve better writers.

Once again thanks Anon! Would love to know what you think about this!