#otherwise im not going to survive
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I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.
#plz no sexyleon#life update basically#I’ll still be using tumblr and stuff and I’ll probably reply to things on here#but I likely wont be responding to direct messages#I just???? I’m too clingy and needy and I feel reliant on the people I talk to for any sort of social interaction to be happy#I gotta figure it out because my mental health is in the shit and I can’t be reliant on others for stability#and I didn’t even really notice that’s what was happening until all my friends were busy on the same day and I really just needed someone#anywyas sorry this is complicated I just needed to vent in the void#also for my mutuals who I talk to all the time this is why I’m afk and I’m sorry I love you very much I just have to figure it out#why am I insane and hoping people try to reach out to me anyways??? just to say they are here if I need anything?? like I do to them????#idk this is why I gotta stop#im the loneliest bitch in the world but I really can’t be anymore I gotta be alone in this bitch but not lonely#or I need to make friends with my loneliness and we can tackle the world together#otherwise im not going to survive#my anxiety is out of the roof and I constantly feel like I’m having heart palpitations#I literally think I’m going to die sometimes#I used to say I’d prefer the anxiety over the depression because I know how to navigate anxiety#well guess what my anxiety evolved like some sort of mega Pokémon and now it’s kicking my ass and I don’t have any idea how to defeat it#sorry for venting
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being back at school is such hell what the fuck do u mean I can't interact with my special interests all day and i have to talk to people about things OTHER than dan and phil, mcr and anime?????? do u want me dead???????????
#autism kicking my ass right now#i want to be home playing the sims 3 while listening to dan and phil stereo lives im not gonna survive#been speed running all my work so i have to draw and go on tumblr otherwise ill die from boredom#autism#actually autistic#dan and phil#mcr#dnp
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i think i could heal if people were more crazy about spydoc. btw
#guys u dont understanddd ☹️☹️☹️#they are so tragic#spy is like a fucking psychopath right (i can say that i have psychosis 😊)#and thirteen is too but she tries to push it away#spy reminds thirteen of everything she wants to forget#they bring up all this shit right?#but its also.#the way she treats him#its this thoschei thing but ESPECIALLY THEM#‘oh u think ur good? im going to get under ur skin until you realize how horribke u really are’#thats the plan but it doesnt work#she just goes further into their toxicity#i love theta sigma. theyre such a horrible person (meeee)#spydoc symbolizes this huge thing cause like.#they had been traveling with the fam for awhile right? usually the doctor doesnt have that many companions (which is an entire other#conversation)#everything was calm. it was GOOD#‘you think u can escape me. darling i will always come back when u hate it most’#spy wants to crawl under thetas skin until their souls are merged into one#which is why she killed her#tried.#koschei will forever try but the fact of the matter is#they WANT theta to survive#it would be no fun otherwise#and theta wants koschei to survive. ofc they do#(ie: tensimm)#u love him and u hate it. u love him and u hate yourself for it. u love him and he is always going to be the reason u die#ahauahh#anyway pls talk about spydoc. pretty pls and ty#spydoc
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Hi I just want to say that I absolutely adore your Caranthir thank u very much for ur contributions have a lovely day <3
Hi, I just wanted to say you just made sure my day was very lovely!! Waking up to this was everything♡♡♡
Have a lil Moryo!
#hes very happy you like him just a bit shy#yeah i woke up hoursssss ago but this was kinda an almost finished sketch and i was never going to finish it completely#so why not just add some hands hair and colors to it#rich boy chek#my emotional elf disasters#ask#tolkien#silmarillion#jrr tolkien#caranthir#carnistir#morifinwe#silm art#digital art#my art#literally this comment made sure i came through the day in one piece#we have been making theater all week and will perform tomorrow and im tiiiired#i have to get on stage when the piece is done so ill see if my angst survives that but otherwise i have helped with the props and such
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💙
#I am not gonna let what happened take away my passion and innate desire to help people because I can't ignore that#if I learned to trust humans before I can re-learn and give people a chance again#Just because I've had a bad streak of dealing with people who see me as less than were abusive or otherwise#doesn't mean that everyone is a heartless bastard wanting to set me up to fail or want to personally hurt me#I am not gonna stoop to the level of those who have hurt me#whether they fucking like it or not I'm gonna be a therapist#I'm already a PSS they can't take that from me#I'm gonna be my authentic self I am not going to change my mold for anybody not for these dated policies and archaic fucking beliefs#that are designed to keep people sick and trapped#I can't save everyone I can't click with everybody but damn it I'm gonna fucking try and be present for people that don't have support#even if people hate me for whatever damn reasons they have cause everybody deserves a shot#may everything that has already been done to me be given back to by those that dealt it#I'm gonna wrap up my finals for this week and then open up my kofi shop for business#i still don't know wtf im gonna do to survive but im laying out the stones#thank you to everyone that has and continues to check in on me i love you a lot
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i think im so nervous about finishing my contract because i wont know what to do with myself afterwards. like, sure theyve forgotten about me and nearly abandoned me, and im quite literally being used then thrown away, but after i get my discharge papers im going to be without purpose again and i dont know if i can do it a second time
#i dont want to stay in cause fuuuuuck that#if im gonna be a meat shield for corporate interest i might as well go private sector and get paid out the ass for it#but i know im not wanted in those spaces either simply due to being support crew rather than sf or infantry#forced into being a weapon then being expected to be normal#doesnt help that being transgender on top of that means that Nobody wants me around#im scared that im going to be broken and NHP forever even when ive earned my humanity back#i already feel like i never emotionally matured past high school#cause all ive ever known was being property of religious zealots and property of the government#i think i had a two year gap of being a person but otherwise ive just been trying to survive and it shows#at this point the best i can hope for is to distract myself until i keel over from the abuse ive let my body take#which i guess isnt the absolute worst thing ever#like between working with a carcinogen and spilling jp8 on myself and the malnutrition and heavy metal exposure and multiple deaths lol#theres no way im going to be able to grow old#and its going to be painful and slow the whole way down#a part of me wishes that drone turned me into paste#being the lucky survivor is worse i think#im useless and unwanted and that kinda blows?#trying so hard to cling to life but im tired of surviving. i want to live. but im not allowed to#maybe things will improve once my contract expires and i get to have a real name again#i thought these antidepressants were supposed to make me feel better why arent they working
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i tried to be the strong one at age 17 and my alters were trying to be the strong one for me, they always thought i was weak. and now i'm vulnerable and stupid and incapable of doing much at all, i'm so much weaker mentally than my friends. and i just think they'd be disappointed if they saw me. or maybe proud but like, it's not like i can ask. but i have a party tonight. and some work i should do. and i don't want to be a fucking downer. me and klavier always felt like we were both late to the party, to our own party, and i guess in his stead i have to get my shit together and get us there. because some time ago he might have really liked that. and i'll never know.
#neg#i think im going to throw up#i wish i was strong. i wish i was fucking strong.#and my friends ask me why i throw myself into work and my mom asks me if 18 credits plus a job is a good idea#and it's never enough none of it is. none of what i do is ever going to be enough because i'm supposed to withstand it#they taught me everything they knew and i have to believe they knew more than me because otherwise why would they have been there#i have to believe that no matter what happens to me now i can survive it because if i didn't they would come back to save me#sometimes i want to forgive my seventeen year old self and sometimes i want to beat her dead but whenever i think of her like that#i don't see me i see a blonde girl. i see klav. i see klav and i'm beating him to death.#because i wanted to be strong but i never was so i was just angry instead.
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I'm brainstorming some more from the top au scenes and I've decided it'd be funny if even though Odile never learns to access to menues to equip them she still obtains memories throughout the game without realizing because Loop never pops up to tell her like they do with Siffrin. Just Loop and Siffrin at the favor tree chatting when suddenly time rewinds and Loop is like stardust wtf? Until a few moments later the new memory pops up and they go oh. Odile. What The Fuck.
#rat rambles#stars posting#from the top au#this wouldn't rly happen like this specifically until much later in the story but once it does happen? loop is in shambles#Ive been thinking abt one scene in particular and its very much so a situation loop does Not know how to deal with#memory of survival my beloved <3#just loop getting the info for that and going from uh oh to no no no no no no no NO so fucking fast#because while they were not paying attention to odile during the scene itself the memory gives enough context clues#as in Im being kind enough to give loop the memory quote because otherwise itd be a smidge less obvious#odile vc well since trying to deal with this in a healthy way isnt helping lets deal with it in the most unhealthy way possible instead#and then odile turns right back around and continues to fight for her life to keep siffrin from getting the same idea#its only ok when She does it she clearly has more experience with the consequences than siffrin does and as such she will be fine obviously#<- incorrect information that absolutely bites her in the ass later (and by later I mean the absolute millisecond she starts believing it)
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I think I’m going to explode
#I’m the bad way#the first variation of my schedule just came in and im#I feel like im going to die#now I need to wait until like#before school actually starts to look and see if they changed it#otherwise I need to do the thing of actually figuring out how to get a meeting with my counselor so I can change it#I#I really don’t want to go back to school#I just have to survive 2 more years and then I’m free to do what I please#but currently I now have to live with feeling like I’m going to fucking die
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I completely understand if the whole QSMP team has a plotline that they want to keep.
But when your players manage to create such compelling bonds and an amazing storyline by themselves, I think it's only logical to work WITH instead of against.
Sure, maybe the eggs were all supposed to die the first week and be like a "lol" thing, they didn't, people got attached to them, the eggs shaped their little corners or gigantic caves in the island, they gave the players a tangible reason to work together and interact (in a particular case Leo was the only interaction Vegetta had sometimes)
Why would you want to throw away such an amazing thing in favor of... What.
#qsmp#grabted this may have been the plan all along#maybe the eggs were supposed to survive and everything#but the code being immortal is. like philza said: FUCKING STUPID#MAKE IT SUPER HARD TO BEAT#MAKE IT REVIVE#bit give the players a chance. otherwise its not even a game. its just a powerplay#QSMP rant#im starting to deattach myself from the eggs AND the players#cant imagine a lot of them going Liam Neeson if the eggs all die#i would just leave#on a more personal note: there should be more respect towards the players stories and lore that they create idk#if they wanted to railroad they should have given them a script
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ah hello sun
#i did not sleep <3#my eyes hurt from still being awake#but the sun is rising now which means i can go back to being immortal and unafraid#by that i mean im immortal until proven otherwise except i am not immune to nighttime lol#now i can try to sleep only for my medicine alarm to go off in *squints at clock* 3 hours! :')#im so not falling asleep before 8 i know me. sob#still being on tumblr will Not help tho so off to bed#tylting out loud#Dizzy Survived the Night Edition
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Begging people to stop asking me how work is as a small talk topic. Bad. It's bad. I hate it and don't want to talk about it.
#sara speaks#please im so tired. work is bad and its not going to be better for a long ass time#talking wont change it. if i want to talk about it i will come to YOU#but otherwise I literally cannot handle thinking about work outside of work hours#keeping a strict 'not in work do not think about work at all' mentality is the only way im surviving#please i know it comes from a place of care and concern but i WILL FUCKING BITE YOU#this aint about anyone here
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I've been really busy this week so I haven't interacted here much, but holy shit am I having the worst day by far. Can't wait to just go back home and cry again 🥲
#personal rant#this day is absolutely terrible#i need a badge saying “survived february 1st#i dont think anyone's gonna see this#its gonna be really embarrassing otherwise#man just lemme go to sleep#im not strong enough for this
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got the badges for gone fission evp 400 + evp 600 yesterday! .52 gal, l-3 nozzlenose, dread wringer, and squiffer make for quite the synergistic team!
my peak was EVP 810 (appx 300-310% HL). my high score of 151 eggs was obtained somewhere in evp 300...? i'm pretty satisfied with how it went, even if i didn't get HLM or 9s.
some thoughts/reflections on good freelancing teams/traits to develop when trying to rank up in evp under the cut:
i think grinding this rotation was pretty fun- all of the weapons have excellent mobility and i think they cover for each other really well! the l-3 was not my favorite weapon going into it but i think i really enjoyed the accuracy and mobility of it, so it's a bit more favorable for me now :)
i ended up reaching a skill wall in EVP 760-780 where i could not get past wave 2 or 3 (usually for quota related reasons, the quota is BRUTAL! we'd miss it by like 4-5 ish... ofc this partially relates to how well bosses are handled).
the grind for evp was a mix of freelance and grouping up (freelance for 230 -> 440s, grouping up for 440 - 750~, and then testing myself in freelance for that last bit).
i enjoyed the bits of freelance i did, and from my playtime i think these were some of the key traits/practices that indicate "good salmon run skills" to me:
players that know their weapons role(s) and target the appropriate salmonid (but also being willing to break that when priority targets haven't been taken care of)
knowing when a teammate needs help (with a boss or being revived) or when the teammate has a situation under control (e.g. someone's already on the fishstick, you can do something else)
proactive use of specials when problem targets appear, preferably with no overlap (e.g. tri-strike and inkjet activated on the same flyfishes is not the best)
using specials like booyah bomb, triple splashdown, and reefslider to clear basket area in the last 30 seconds to help eggs get in (especially important past evp 600)
teams that paint the walls first thing (especially whoever had the dread wringer). all interior walls for fission can be painted within the first 10 seconds imo
forwarding eggs closer to the basket after splatting static bosses (throwing one egg, and then swimming up with one)
players with good judgment; knowing when to lure (mostly for initial boss spawns), and knowing when to leave the big shot cannon
being able to figure out which directions snatchers come from and what eggs they can help you collect
i think these practices all stem from having good awareness and being able to collect information about the shift. it helps with making snappy quick-fire decisions, and it just gets more important the higher up in EVP you go. camera positioning/control is essential for this (you can't figure out where bosses/teammates are if your back is turned to them).
for me, every 7-10 seconds, i like to rotate my camera around to the opposite side of where i'm currently looking to make sure there isn't any bosses i'm missing. i'm hardly in one place longer than 5-10 seconds and i try to always be on the move. the spawn direction where salmonids come from are always changing, so it's essential to rotate around the map proactively rather than reactively. i think this also helps a lot with shotcalling in groups too (since you can be someone else's pair of eyes).
other than boss spawns/teammate locations (for revives), i think it's also important to notice when certain bosses haven't been taken care of for prolonged periods of time too, so that a special can be popped. to me it's usually a sign that someone whose ill equipped to deal with that boss has been forced to deal with them because the people with the "right" weapon are focused on something else... (no fault to them, of course, everyone has different priorities and you can't always communicate clearly in freelance)
in situations where squiffers were chased by a pack of scrappers, perhaps a booyah bomb or splashdown can be popped to help if you don't have the time to stun and splat them manually. maybe the fish sticks were left unattended by the shooters, so a triple inkstrike or a crab/inkjet shot can help clear them out.
awareness also extends to meeting quota, which imo involves paying attention to the timer + where eggs are located. i find that it's nice to check in with the timer/quota at 50s and 30s respectively so that you can start forwarding eggs closer to basket. and when everyone's going crazy about quota not being met i try to make sure i'm not overstepping anyone else's egg pile so that no one goes "wait no thats the egg that i wanted to pick up fuck i have to go back and get a different one."
i think this is why sometimes playing in groups is easier. if you have more sets of eyes that you can communicate with, it alleviates the need to have awareness of "everything" (provided that you can comms effectively). someone can be attuned to different things (e.g. my friend always tells us where snatchers come from and if they're good, i'm personally attuned to where people need to be revived, etc.). you also know what specials you have access to, unlike in freelance where you're not sure what others have until they use them.
the other part of completing shifts successfully (to me) is being mechanically sound with your movement, mostly in regards to how you use the terrain (walls) to get around the map and escape situations. the more you play a map the more you'll figure out how you can move around on it.
some examples, using the location callouts from salmonrun.ink: there were a few times i'd go on the harbor but i could escape any salmonids in the bridge area by climbing the walls there and squidrolling out as needed. sometimes on high tide i would swim from the perch to the left plat.
sub-strafing is also good to know too, especially when you want to rapidly collect the basket eggs at the end. i still need to integrate it into other parts of my gameplay, but it's helpful!
uh. this was way longer than intended because i have WAY too many thoughts about salmon run. TL;DR: The key to succeeding your shifts is having good awareness which comes from good information collecting practices, and having the mechanical skill to act on that awareness without hesitation.
there's definitely a lot that goes on in sensory overload the game™, so it will take time to build these muscles and reaction times. i think while at every rank of salmon run you may face a wall of "i'm overwhelmed by the bosses," the exact fix needed to get past it usually varies, so it's important to figure out what information you were missing or what actions you could've taken (more efficient movement or special usage, usually).
or if you're struggling with quota, try to practice forwarding eggs or take a look where snatchers come from (even if people splat them, it's still a good practice 2 develop for later evp. source: i don't fucking do it and it's biting me in the ass)
and most importantly, recognize when you're in the midst of a loss streak/skill wall, so that you can take a break and focus on other things that energize you! even if there's a certain goal you want to meet, grinding for higher levels of EVP and getting better at the game can be a very exhausting process. you can always come back to the grind later, whether if it's after a 30 minute break, or just a different rotation!
#splatoon 3#lizz.jpg#lizz.txt#i did like 93 jobs of this rotation if anyone is curious. average waves cleared 2.2. point card was 31315p#im so normal about salmon run this is my favorite mode in the game that even though i have 2x the hours of my friend she's higher leveled-#in the pvp multiplayer than i am (but also she uses exp tickets and i dont because im a money enjoyer)#honestly i do wonder what i could've done differently with evp 740ish bc i could NOT stick around with a group WHICH IS SO FAIR#though it is a little disorienting to go between 300 to 320 HL with every new group of people HAHA#i do think it's the snatchers i gotta pay more attention to but damn idk when they spawn lol#and maybe my specials could get more value for them. i never go a shift without using them but idk#i think there's also been a lot of dying in general. like 3-5 deaths for everyone so it's def a movement/not keeping up with boss issue#in some form...? so maybe if i get to the point where my specials are back to proactive use and not 'for surviving this first wave'#i'll be golden and good to go for 9s... still very valuable learning experience though!#it would have definitely been easier to get to 9s if i reached certain evp ranks earlier to play with more experienced people but#where is the learning in that? LOL. i just feel like you're really forced 2 confront what you suck at when all the 'good people' are-#already at 9s or some higher VP y'know. and then when you get booted down to a lower VP for the next roto. it feels so much easier#and its like wait! maybe i'm okay at this game actually#anyway i don't think i'll be playing salmon for extended period of time for the next week otherwise im gonna be tetris effect'd LOL
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I'm literally on s8 now I can't believe this, what the fuck
#house md#this show has made me ILL idk how will i survive without it 😭😭😭#i need to see that rat man commit medical malpractice and i need to see him with his doe eyed boyfriend ughhhhhhhhhhhh#😭😭😭😭😭#also the way the first half of s7 tanked when cuddy and house got together like ive never seen a pairing go down so bad especially AFTER#they got together#like they put two very interesting characters together to make a very boring couple :p#anyway lowkey glad lisa had to leave the show in the last season because im so sure otherwise house and cuddy wouldve been endgame 😭😭😭#sorry they were SO bland together i canttttt
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oh my god ... i made it through the holidays with pmdd going on at the same time. christ. i should win an award or something honestly. someone should give me money for this. that's a fucking feat and a half.
#we're not celebrating Actual new years bc of work schedules#we did our new years family party tonight instead fhdjfkl#so i am freeee except for a family video call tomorrow for an hourish but thats tolerable usually#anyways YAY YIPPEE WAHOO I AM NOT DEAD !!!! I DID IT !!! I SURVIVED!!! ALL WHILE DEALING WITH PMDD AT THE SAME TIME !!!#im a fucking legend for that truly fhdkdl honestly it wasnt looking good there for a bit but by god i made it thru#and with no new split-offs afaik which is great fjdkdl maybe we have enough parts in the brain to handle this shit finally#please please please no more fjdksl#but goddamn im actually rly impressed i made it thru god fucking damn !!!!! thats crazy!!!! lowkey didnt think i would!!! yay!!!#idk if i actually feel happy abt it tbh but i am amazed at my ability to cling on i guess#okay i gotta stop thinking abt this now otherwise we're going to get into rocky territory and i dont wanna deal w that at 1am#but yay yippee wahoo hurray etc good for me way 2 go gold star on my nametag etc etc etc#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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