#orc friend

[davinawritings]

Monster Bestfiend Accidentally Finds Your Only Fans

Monster best friend that accidentally finds your only fans. As soon as he sees your face, he goes to get off your page, but when he sees the giant monster dildo in your hand, he pauses. His finger hovers over the play button, his mind at war with itself on whether to see more. His conscience screams at him to put the phone down and forget he saw you there, but everything else screams at him to see more.

He gives in and clicks on your page, and his cock throbs as he realizes that every video is of you playing with all different monster dildos. He starts a video and can’t help but moan as you bounce up and down on a very large dildo, clearly modeled after a werewolf cock. Your tiny cunt stretched more than he would have thought possible for a little human. 

His hand is immediately wrapped around his throbbing cock and stroking in time with your movements. He growls as he watches your face scrunch up in pleasure, feeling his own release getting closer, far faster than he would like. 

As you let out a scream and gush all over the dildo, he finally cums, shooting all over his hand and the floor. He releases a small moan as he glances at his phone and sees the cum covering the screen over your naked body. 

The guilt slowly creeps in as he comes down from his high, and he vows he will never do this again. And he continues to break that vow every night as he crawls into bed, his cock cumming hard as he watches your videos, only to swear it’s the last time all over again. 

And when he sees you next, and his cock starts hardening immediately, he knows he is truly fucked. He’s just going to have to find a way to claim you for himself. At least he knows you have a thing for monsters and riding monster cock. He can’t wait to see you bouncing on his. 

[cowboythewizard726]

beautiful orc girl leed helllOOOOO beautiful leed alert oh my GOD she's so cool WOOAHHHH beautiful siilly girl she was really pretty and awesome and so kind i think shes wonderful and there should be a statue made just for her thats really big and in the center of everything and she should get anything she wants ever smile face

[carionto]

Nope

Alien: Hey, Human Dave. I found this in your historical records, is this one of those animated shows?

Human Dave *takes one look at the image being shown*: ...no.

A: Oh, it isn't? The style doe-

HD: No!

A: Dave?

HD *getting up from his chair and moving to the door*: Nope!

A: Where are you going?

HD *putting on a space suit* :Nuh uh!

A: Umm...

HD *ejecting himself from the station* *Over the comms*: NOPE!

A: What is happening?

Human Janice *sipping coffee with an amused grin*: Pretty sure he got triggered. Whatcha got there anyway?

A: It is just an innocuous looking image with some text, I cannot possibly understand

HJ: "Happy Tree Friends" yeeeeah.... not something you wanna watch.

A: Is animation aimed at children not meant to be viewed by mature members of your species?

HJ: Normally, it is, but this is not for kids. That happy bunny is a lie. I think Dave got exposed to that as a kid and, well, you saw how he reacted to that.

HD *over all the comms*:

NOPE!!!!

[shroomiethefrogwhisperer]

Aliens And Chocolate

in a previous post, I stated that the only species that can eat chocolate safely is Humans! And we love our sweet, cocoa-y bars of the brown/white/black goodness.

but the thing is, everywhere else in the universe, it’s a carefully controlled, highly illegal substance. For some alien species, like the Penaconians and the Ahlmiws, it’s a hallucinogenic, intoxicating drug with severe side effects. For others like the Aakij and Zbbrk, it is a deadly poison.

The thing is, the illegal chocolatiers of the universe have refined their craft, and humans like it more than the chocolate we have. So you have groups of humans who go around to dealers, buying chocolate off of them for their hefty prices. And most aliens don’t know that humans are impervious to the dangers of cocoa! And the humans don’t know it’s illegal, so they’re not even trying to cover it up!

So, you know, there are thousands of intergalactic human criminals who are unknowingly on the run from the space police.

in a galactic jail somewhere

Burakkjian Serial Killer w/ a body count of 5000+: so, what’re you in for?

Literally just an average, everyday human: possession of highly illegal drugs and murder weapons

BONUS:

Karen, eating Nutella straight from the jar:

Steve: *chomps on Hershey bars*

Moss, elegantly eating ferrero rocher like the absolute royalty they are:

Zzgnaru: these are my idiots

Sunday: …they should all be dead or high

Boothill: Yeehaw they fuckin should

Ratio: the odds of them surviving are slim

Sampo: W H A T A R E T H E Y D O I N G A R E T H E Y S U I C I D A L S H O U L D I B E W O R R I E D

Aventurine: Oi, Karen, gimme

Karen, not really paying attention: sure

Ratio and Topaz, in unison: NO

[baddecisionsgoooo0]

Transformers X Haso

I need more transformers x Humans are space orcs.

I need these smol, delicate humans the autobots have to protect to pull out Molotov cocktails and destroy decipticon joints.

I need a teacher to mix up a swimming pool size batch of oobleck and trap a cybertronian in it to protect his students.

I need humans using acid, or throwing rocks in joints, or otherwise inconveniencing decepticons while the autobots get more and more concerned.

I need Optimus or Ratchet to morosely bring up something that happened in the war, and a human to be like, "Oh that. Yeah, we made that illegal, it wasn't considered sporting." or "Wait, you guys have been fighting for how long, and that's the most extreme thing you did?"

I need a bot or a con to get curious and open a history book, and the next morning be traumatized by the shit humanity has done.

I need Humans that get tired of the whole, "Humanity is smol and fragile" shtick, and decide to go kill decipticons so they stop attacking the autobots.

I need Optimus to slowly realize we are not cute, fluffy little creatures, but agents of chaos and destruction. Beings who will destroy anyone and anything that threatens our family, and we consider the bots family.

[jimvasta]

Humans will eat anything

But maybe they shouldn't

"Susie, can I ask you a question? I need a human translation."

Susie smiled softly at the small feathered Craksol who reminded her so much of the bantam chickens that ran around the farm she grew up on. They had the small coloured plumage and bouncy stride, all for standing four feet tall and being highly intelligent spacefarers. "Go for it."

"One of the newcomers complimented me, they said I looked delicious," it always pleased Craksols to receive compliments, they worked hard to maintain their feathers. Preening was huge part of their social structure. "But I did not understand the next part. They said they 'have 11 herbs and spices and an air fryer with my name on.' I never exchanged titles with them and we are not at the stage of gifting, did I- Susie, is that your anger face? Why is your warrior waking? Susie?"

"Which of them said that?" Susie glowered at the new human crew lounging by the bar oblivious to the interest as they enjoyed their drinks.

"The one with long face hair."

Susie nodded. "Lukas."

Her fellow human, the towering male who made all the Craksols automatically nervous, had been silent during the exchange but was stood nearby. "I've got it. He'll have a zinger of a black eye when done with him."

"Whatever you do, just make sure it's original recipe regret."

The Craksol took a step back as they witnessed Lukas calmly walk over to his fellows, the first other humans they had seen in months, and swing a punch that knocked the man who gave the mysterious compliment to the ground. "What- Why-?"

"It's better if you don't know. You go back to the ship. Lukas and I need to give some etiquette lessons to the newbie astronauts."

[marlynnofmany]

One More Earth Animal -- Part Two

(Part One is here)

Fernando Hwan Tengku-Jones was expecting a cat. His friend on the colony world had said they were sending one that somebody’d left behind — poor thing! —and Fern couldn’t wait to give it a good home. He’d already cat-proofed his quarters as best he could. Fragile things were put away, his reading lamp was secured to the bedside table, and he’d grabbed a few cardboard boxes from the recycle stash that would make good hidey-holes. A litter box should be available somewhere in this space station’s commerce sector — he’d been here before. He could check after the drop-off. As much as he would have liked to get that set up first, he wasn’t in charge of the schedule.

His Frillian crewmates were curious about the companion animal that the captain was allowing him to bring onboard. He’d spent the last half of the trip telling them every story about cats he could think of. Each of them rippled their frills in patient disinterest, but he didn’t mind. They’d be won over by the adorable kitty soon enough.

When the ship docked at their usual berth, Fern did his part in helping unload the usual shipment. The specialty maintenance shop here always ordered the same stuff at this time of the rotation. Everything was normal. But then Fern got to dash off to meet another ship, and he was more excited than he’d been in a long time.

He called ahead, and was told to meet at the cargo bay door. When he arrived, he saw that this ship was unloading boxes as well. He didn’t see any logos anywhere, and the boxes weren’t even all the same kind, plus the crew wasn’t wearing uniforms.

Looks like one of those freelance setups, he thought while he patiently waited at a distance. That always sounded like such an unreliable way to make a living. But at least they get to travel to interesting places. Where there are cats!

When the crew finished handing the motley assortment of boxes off to a motley assortment of customers, the one with the tablet waved him over. This was a cute little lizard who probably wouldn’t want to be described that way. As yellow as a very serious banana. She called into the ship for somebody else to come out, and Fern was delighted to see another human carrying a cat-sized cage.

“Hello!” the other human said, waving her free hand. “I have something important to tell you about your new friend here.”

Fern was immediately worried. “Is it injured? Or pregnant?” His captain had approved a single animal, not a litter.

“Thankfully, no!” she replied, setting down the cage with the front turned away from him. “First of all, he’s perfectly healthy and perfectly tame. And he’s been fixed. But most importantly, his stink gland has been removed.”

“His what?” Fern thought of his aunt’s cat who had stunk up the house by scent-marking the walls. Wasn’t that just pee, not a gland?

“Congratulations,” the other human said. “You are the proud owner of a non-spraying skunk.”

“A what?” Fern said on reflex, processing her words.

She lifted the cage and turned it so he could see inside. “This is the friendliest little snuggle buddy, and he likes being brushed.”

Fern stared. A very fluffy skunk stared back. While most of his brain was still circling in shock, the thought surfaced that the animal really did seem tame: not threatening to spray even though its gland had been removed. Theoretically.

He asked, “You’re sure it’s completely de-stinked?”

“Yes.” The other human nodded. “Our medscanner is top-notch. And I spent a lot of time with him on the trip here; I’m certain he was hand-raised as a pet. No idea how the poor guy ended up in the middle of nowhere, but he more than deserves a loving home. Think you can give him that?”

Fern’s heart twinged, and he shook himself. “Yes, absolutely. Did he come with a name?”

The other human smiled. “Nope! That’s up to you. I’ve been calling him Fluffy, but that’s just a placeholder.”

“Seems pretty accurate,” Fern said, gazing through the bars.

The yellow lizard stepped forward with the digital paperwork. Fern signed for the skunk, his thoughts in a whirl.

“If you’re already set up with cat food, good news: skunks will eat that,” the other human told him. “They’re omnivores, so this guy will eat a lot of the same stuff you do, just try to keep it as close to nature as you can out in space: plain and not overly processed. He’ll love peanut butter and chicken eggs if you can get them. Oh, and keep him away from the usual list of Crazy Human Toxic Foods! No chocolate, onions, garlic, or caffeine. Or hot peppers, though that’s more unpleasant than poisonous for him.”

“Right,” Fern said, handing the tablet back. “Good to know; thank you.”

“Sure thing! I hope you guys have a long and happy life together.” She presented him with the cage and gave his uniform a look. “Merchant ship, right?”

“Talented Toolmakers, of Frillian Pride,” Fern recited automatically as he accepted the armload of skunk. “I got hired when the route changed to spend more time in human territory. But then it changed back, and I haven’t seen much from home lately.”

“Well this guy’s glad to have you,” the other human said. The lizard was already walking back into the ship. “We have to rush off to another delivery, but good luck! Skunks can get into places they shouldn’t, and claw things open that a cat wouldn’t be able to, so keep him away from the engine room.”

“Got it!” Fern waved goodbye as the other human trotted back onto her ship. While the bay doors closed, Fern took careful steps back toward his own.

He expected his crewmates to react in alarm at the news that his cat was a skunk … but he’d forgotten that they were unfamiliar with Earth animals.

“If it can’t make that smell, and it isn’t going to bite anyone, then I don’t see a problem,” the captain said. “Just keep it in your quarters while it gets settled in. You can bring it out under supervision later.”

“It really is as fluffy as you said,” remarked the engineer.

“What does it eat?” asked the pilot.

Fern replied, “A lot of the same things I do.”

“That’s convenient!” the pilot said. The others agreed.

And that was that. Fern took the skunk into his quarters, let it waddle around and sniff everything, then fed it a messy plate of cat food. He put a folded hand towel in the cage and gently stuffed the skunk back in so he could run off to buy a litter box without worrying about what it would do while he was gone.

He splurged on a fancy litter box with a covered top and an auto-scooper, designed for ship’s cats. When he set it up and opened the cage, the skunk went right for it, which was a relief.

Probably a relief for him too, Fern thought. He’s been in that cage a while.

The captain announced that they were taking off. Fern settled down to socialize with his new pet, confident that he wouldn’t be needed for a while yet. Their route was predictable, after all, and this next part involved a lot of empty space before they reached the warehouse.

A lot of empty space, and pirates.

Human ones according to the intercom, which just made the whole thing more insulting. This was NOT the taste of home he’d been missing. The captain’s announcement held a lot of profanity, and Fern could see why. It was bad enough to be shaken down when they had cargo they could be reimbursed for, but right now their hold was empty. And the pirates wouldn’t accept that.

They’ll want our own tools, Fern thought, looking around his quarters. And food, and fuel, and… His gaze fell on the skunk nosing about his bookshelf.

And fuck them.

He lunged for the intercom button. “Captain, if you’re sure they’re human, I have an idea.”

Several minutes later, the pirate ship locked onto the merchant vessel, and clamped an adapter over the airlock. Pirates gathered, ready to board, armed with guns and knives and vicious grins.

Those grins evaporated when the first pirate looked through the airlock porthole at what waited for them on the other side.

One lone human, wearing a breather helmet and carrying a fluffy, agitated skunk.

The pirates detached immediately and took off with enough thrust to rock the ship.

The pilot got the merchant vessel back on course, while the captain sang praises over the intercom, and Fern brought Fluffy the Fearsome back to his room for some well-earned brushing.

The next time that particular merchant ship passed through the area, it had a large emblem of a skunk pasted next to the company logo.

~~~

These are the ongoing backstory adventures of the main character from this book.

Shared early on Patreon! There’s even a free tier to get them on the same day as the rest of the world.

The sequel novel is in progress (and will include characters from these stories. I hadn’t thought all of them up when I wrote the first book, but they’re too much fun to leave out of the second).

[brooke-hart]

Humans Are Weird: Adrenaline

“I’m coming, Steve!”

“Adam, I’m okay. I swear, man.” Steve’s voice sounded like he was breathing much too hard.

Adam shook his head. “You are a filthy liar. Faradae?”

“He’s not looking too hot. I need to see what was sliced.” At least that human seemed to be logical.

Adam grunted and moved the rock even farther at Faradae’s words. He pulled harder, yelling as it slid across the terrain. 

Knycuz watched, stunned. He did not see how this was physically possible. Klyls were three times as strong as humans, and he could not move the rock.

But Adam managed to create a space large enough for him to crawl through. There were sounds of a slight struggle, a strangled noise, and then Adam emerged holding Steve in his arms.

Faradae followed them out, immediately kneeling to pull out items from his pack as Adam set Steve down. Faradae quickly ripped open Steve’s pants to clean the fluids off of his extremity. Adam stood over him the whole time, watching carefully, urging Steve to drink clear liquid.

“How is this possible?” Knycuz was looking at Kai next to him. “How could Adam move something I could not? I am stronger.”

“It’s called adrenaline. In some circumstances when we really need to be able to do things like lift heavy stuff, our body pumps out this chemical that can allow us to do impressive feats. Adam really cares about Steve. He needed to get to him. You tried, but you were not frantic. You did not need to get to Steve. Adam needed to, and his body supplied him the energy to do it.”

“Your body has the ability to perform these feats, but you can only access it in rare circumstances?”

Kai nodded. “Yeah. It’s usually to save ourselves or someone we care about.”

Knycuz nodded, too. It was quite an interesting way to respond to these situations. He continued to watch as Adam lifted Steve to his feet, carefully helping him to the carrier. Adam kept watching Steve in a way Knycuz had not observed humans look at each other before.

If you liked this excerpt, you’ll like the full story! Now updated and edited.

Get Humans Are Weird on Amazon! And FREE with Kindle Unlimited!

[thedragonboi]

Humans evolved to be friend!!!

Probably stupid but hear me out:

• We try to pet/make friend with everything

• several different species are documented to have raised abandoned/lost humans (famously wolves, but monkeys, parrots, cats and more have raised humans)

• animals that can harm/kill us typically leave us alone (cougars don’t tend to attack unless there’s kittens around, black bears are small but they can 100% kill you if they wanted but they just kinda go away, orcas are smart enough and big enough to hunt us if they wanted to but there’s 0 wild cases of death by orca)

• there are species that are so chill with humans they literally domesticated themselves

• humans get an oxytocin boost when we see cute things, we want to be friend!!!! (Cute is subjective, some people see bugs as creepy some see bugs as friend, there’s always someone who sees something as friend!!)

• we don’t have the best natural defence or offence meaning we ride a lot on “you don’t bother me I don’t bother you” cause idk about you but I got nothing if a horse decides it’s my time to go (yeah we can build armor and weapons but we have to actively make and use them, we don’t come ready made with a suit of metal armor)

In conclusion, I’m very convinced that if we find sentient alien life either they’d find us non threatening at worst, actively adorable and cuddly at best

[stubz]

"Human Kim's mate is dead?!" cries Calis.

"What?! Kim has a mate?!" cries Max

"She is your comrade! How did you not know she has-had a mate?!?"

"But what about Fenrir-wait is Fenrir dead???"

"Human Kim had her bonding band before courting Fenrir, I'm talking about her other mate."

"She's cheating?? Fenrir is the other man...orc???"

"Do humans not have multiple mates?"

"I mean...not usually no...but wait lets back up a minute. How do you know Kim's mate is dead and what do you mean by bonding band, do you mean a ring that goes on a finger?"

"I cannot believe you, her comrade of 5 years, have not noticed her longing rubbing her ankle. How she no longer has the bright orange band on her left ankle. How she looks at her communication device...phone? and looks at what I guess is a photo."

"...wait the orange band? Made out of fabric? Like string?"

"So you have noticed, why have you not consoled her then??"

"...hold on a sec. I'll be back in a moment."

"Are you getting her? Bring her to the command room then, we shall have something for her."

"....how many people think her mate is dead!?"

.

"Why are we going to the command room?"

"Just keep walking. I have a question for you but I need you to answer in front of a lot of people."

"Ookay?" the humans enter the command room and see it decorated dark and somber. Friends and close co-workers are there dressed in black or their respective mourning attire. Calis steps forward.

"Hu-Kim...Kim we are so very sorry for the loss of your mate...may they join the galaxy as a brilliant star and may you both reunite someday in the great beyond..." They slowly grab her five fingered hand with their four fingered hand.

"...If anything were to happen to Gala...I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. If there's anything you need, anything at all, just ask."

"...Calis...thank you so much...but I don't have a mate?"

"That's what I was saying!" exclaims Max. "If she did then she would've told me, her work best friend!!"

"...but the band on your ankle and your sadness?"

"...Kay I did not notice that but yeah what's up? You alright?" he turns to his short friend

"Ohhh, you mean my friendship anklet?"

"Friend-ship anklet? ...not a bonding band?"

"It was made by my best friend, no offense Max, on Earth the last time I saw her in person 'bout...almost 2 years ago? Anyways it finally fell off since its string and I just miss having it."

"None taken."

"So no one died? She's still alive?"

"Yeah, I just texted her yesterday about the anklet and she said she'll just tattoo one on me cause it'll ward off Max...no offense Max...she just can't accept that I have more than one best friend."

"Again none taken...wait is this the friend who hated you at first and you didn't know so you kept being friendly to her until eventually she accepted you and you've been best friends for like almost 10 years?"

"She...hated you?"

"Oh yeah, she thought I was really annoying but I'm pretty dense so I just kept being nice and going to eat lunch with her throughout high school until after like...2-3 months she gave up and accepted my friendship. Oh! and I didn't know any of this until like this year." she grins

"That's a beautiful friendship right there...makes me jealous about how boringly we met and bonded over anime and musicals."

"On most planets beings would maul you over your annoyance...would you like some of the cake we got you before we knew no one died?"

"Yes please! Also thank you everybody but sadly...and luckily no one died!!" she calls out to the dozen or so aliens and humans in the command room.

"...wait you thought I was having an affair with Fenrir!?" cries a horrified Kim

"That's what I was saying!!" screams Max

[bacchuschucklefuck]

species medley ft. gorgug and riz

[wildwren]

#i would die for them

[sleepyorc]

ORC FACTS

Orcs go crazy over labour rights. Are you not getting paid overtime? Why not tell an Orc and they'll give your employer a bit of... Gentle Persuasion...

[braxix]

Maglor: I'm actually starting to get concerned about what Elrond brings home.

Maedhros: About time. What clues you in? The warg pup or the sixteen orcs he has befriended and folded into society?

Maglor: He came home with a baby dragon this time. Elros said no for us, don't worry.

[chaoticcomposition]

a (slightly belated) evie dressed as the 2004 van helsing for halloween!

[not-an-alien-scientist]

Human: Hi Buddy!! AWWW DRAGON! COME ON DRAGON!! *gives all the pets*

Alien: ..... that is a carnivore that can bite at 1,100 psi force .... why are you calling it buddy

Human: Oh hooo hoo what is that *scritches* huh?

Hyena: *jumps*

Alien: *alarmed* !!!!!!

Human: >:( no you can't have the camera