#or worse i feel like im being pitied
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do i need help and comfort? yes
do i desperately want to gouge my eyes out when i receive it? also very much yes
#did i not sleep a wink crying? yup#did i break down at work and start sobbing in front of the strictest senior doc after he yelled at me? my WORST NIGHTMARE in residency? yup#was everyone actually really nice about it which made me feel WORSE? yes#senior doc sat me down and talked about setting boundaries and helped me a lot even if hes not my supervisor#the nurses who i snapped at and felt horrible were so understanding one nurse just chatted w me over an hour bout games n stuff to cheer up#my work wife stayed w me until 11pm! at my night shift and helped me so much and supported me#i appreciate it all to hell and back but boy getting help feels like shit 😭 i feel like im being babied#or worse i feel like im being pitied#and worst is i still feel like crap and tired and all cry-ish. my brains dumb as shit#vent tw#delete later#idk i need time off but cant have any 🫠#everyone said i should call in sick after my next shift#maybe i should orz#burrito talks
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I can imagine anything guy image: “I can spiral into tears and convince myself I’m the worst person alive over anything”
#it’s soooooo easy#‘hey that thing you said was kind of insensitive’ -> feel awful and apologize immediately ->#try to explain that I’m a flawed human being in hopes that they don’t hate me as much -> realize I’m using it as an excuse -> feel worse ->#want to explain that I feel bad in hopes that it makes my apology sound genuine -> realize if I do I’m starting a pity party ->#Devil on my shoulder says that I SHOULD start a pity party bc then people have to console me even though I’m the one who fucked up ->#realize that if the devil on my shoulder thinks that that some part of me must think that. thinking that is kind of terrible ->#feel like I’m terrible -> start crying -> realize that crying will turn it into a pity party anyway ->#realize that I don’t want to feel like I’m terrible. that I do actually want people to console me -> realize I don’t deserve it ->#admit that I am truly horrible for trying to turn my fuck up into a way to make people comfort me ->#post about it on tumblr to vent (?) -> realize now I’m starting a pity party in front of almost 8k people ->#realize that makes me even worse. -> break down in tears feeling sorry for myself when. again. IM the one who fucked up#repeat at and slight inconvenience or mistake. feel like a piece of shit forever :)#it’s a flawless system. if someone sees me struggling and tries to console me I can redirect that to confirm that I’m a horrible person#try and tell myself that I’m spiraling bc of mental illness -> that’s an excuse ->#excuse = horrible person bc I’m not willing to own up to my mistakes -> return to spiral
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#vent post#suicide tw#my go to response to everything can not be “i want to die.” like great#its not like I actually want to or will follow through on it but fuck.#years worth of character growth and here I am back in fucking a middle school mindset.#like what even is the fucking point.#why am i trying to hard for people wuo do not care.#i feel so stupid.#and like I dont know what to do.#i tried to fix things and it just made them worse.#and i'm still in so much pain!!!!!!!!#just the funky little cherry on goddamned top.#its almost worse than highschool because at least then I didnt know what i was missing yet. and i didnt hurt all the time.#i could sleep for a day straight.#what is the point of getting up each day#being in more pain#and not able to find anything fun.#and being just a massive wet blanket to all my friends. for zero reason.#and then it just isolates me further.#and how stupid and petty and self fucking pitying it all is. like either get over it#have a massive spiral and get ACTUALLY in a dangerous situation#or just continue to sit and feel miserable for no reason and with no resolution.#like im not good at my job right now#im barely keeping my head above water.#like im so fucking done.#i dont know what to do or where to turn.#and im terrified that im going to fully dislocate my spine and be paralyzed.#it should not be floppy!!! it should not look like a patient with whiplash!#there is nothing to prevent it from moving out of place#so i just go about my life and hope that looking over my shoulder doesnt send me to the hospital.
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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dysphoria is awful and i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy
#ash.txt#feeling terrible after trying to help my dad and brother in the garden and almost immediately being physically unable to do so#because im 7 n a half stone soaking wet and can barely lift the pickaxe they were swinging around with ease#and that shouldnt get to me because they both have physically intensive jobs#and theres tons of cis men who also couldnt keep up with them#but logic doesnt rly help me when all i wanna do is cry because ill never ever ever feel like the man i want to be#3 years ago i might have had a chance because i Also had a labour intensive job#and was digging holes and throwing around huge signs and scaffolding every week#but ive been stagnent for all that time inbetween and it just makes me feel worse#trying not to wallow in self pity is hard team fghj#AND i have a blister so just bad times all around smh
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im in a fuckimg shit mood
#ive been working my ass off and im so fkn tired#and i cant eat bc ed and it cant sleep bc i work late and its been so hard on my body#and i feel like no one cares or no one realizes how hard this is on me#ik rn im just so tired that everything feels worse and i feel self pitying ajd angry#i just wish someone would take me in their arms and tell me good job#i just feel like being alone i dont want to talk to anyone but i live w my family n rn they r fkn annoying#going to see a friend but idk how im going to find the energy to be nice#i start school in 2 days#kinda excited for that#anyways thanks for listening whoever got to the end of this#angie's little think thoughts
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This will probably be the only drawing ever where I'll draw Solomon this obviously despaired
#like i was thinking abt just giving him his normal “umm nothing's wrong im 100% not experiencing the downsides of immortality” attitude#but i feel like when maxwell goes thru immortality wise is like 100 times worse than whatever sol has experienced#being bound to a torture chair where you cannot move an inch or even die for all eternity while the same song loudly plays and your only#hope is using your powers to kidnap other people in hopes that they find you and grant pity and free you/kill you before they are put in#the same position you were in and the cycle continues on like that forever would break anyone's spirit#and then ur brought back to life in place of one of your own victims and ur reminded that hey#your best friend fucking hates you for essentially taking them down with you to eternal-torture-ville and they're trying to kill you ovrnov
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god fucking dammit it’s my cousin’s birthday tomorrow and i had plans with my bf but now i probably have to suffer thru hanging out with her and our mutual cousin
#it’s not that i don’t like them but essentially tagging along in the background makes me feel like shit#bc i fucking know when im not important in a particular situation. just exclude me from the start and i won’t come off like the 3rd wheel#like jesus christ i know when im included out of pity. and it feels worse than just straight up being forgotten about#GOD i wish i had my fucking antidepressants so i could pretend to be excited abt this but here i am unmedicated for a fucking month#riley speaks
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Also my non stop anxious chatter is definitely partly because of giving up nicotine but I'm worried that it's not going to go away once it's been a while and I've just fucked myself forever because I let all my fears become self fulfilling prophecies instead of working to actually change as a person so I can be a healthy and safe person to be around and continue to change for the rest of my life so that I can do right by myself and those around me
#obviously haven't fucked myself over forever regarding being able to change i mean there's no way for me to take back what ive already done#retroactive awareness does nothing#i can only use it as a lesson moving forward#but i feel insane#im really really scared#the insanity is just this absolute certainty that my worst fears are true#but i also can't think about it because I don't know what id do and it's just so scary#my whole body goes numb#and i have to stop before it gets worse#but its the only thing i can think about#i don't even really know for sure that they are. but my anxiety and me have a lot of reasons it is#also i hate getting on here feeling bad for myself#because i shouldn't be pitied#and i did it#+ because i did#idk im still coping with feeling like i can't control myself#not like i didn't do it and choose to
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#delete later#am i wildly researching where i may end up living at 2am awake bc of pain? yes. should i be? absolutely not#theres a dry spell of properties and obvs i know itll improve again but eurgh. there were some nice places that have gone abd now theyre al#student accommodation and im not doing that. that isnt me seeing students as below me i just cant function in a shared#place with strangers. i will lose it and stop functioning. im just. stressed. and i can't do anything bc im in pain so thw stress is just#sitting there#its. having a chronic health condition that can get worse seemingly randomly sucks. how can i plan for anything. my current fear#is how can i view places to live if i cant leave the flat. my hands will improve but if im not carefil they will keep flaring up#but tine doesn't wait for health to stabilise. im just tired of it all. i need to future plan but whats tge point when idek#when I'm next gonna be able to go outside without fucking myself up. im gonna have to bc i feel so fucking claustrophobic rn#im having a pity party. i gotta sometimes. just. kinda miserable. i hate being in limbo. on the upside all friends gifts arrived. gonna try#figure out how to wrap them one handed. or find a bag. we'll see which i can do lol. feel kinda bad ive just been like hiding for the#past couple weeks but im in pain. not much to be done abd i need ro frequently lie down and just control my breathing#not conducive to fun. its 2am i need to sleep. i hurt#i know im whining a bunch lately. ahit just is. overwhelming and deeply upsetting. and im in too much pain to do anything but#lie here and think about it. and that sucks
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i am okay tho i just have momeys sometimrs . please do not ever worry abt me guys
#i rly rly rly appreciate any asks u guys send me truly i usually hold onto then bc i dont know how to respond and rheyre good to see#sometimes#but im not in any danger i rly am. safe. i have a lot of things keeping me from doing That so. i am safe. dw.#i just get sad a lot. and its my fault i need 2 judt stop it and suck it uo and Work on it all but its so. insurmountable. and it judt#doesnt get easier yk. it never does. whatsver.#but. anyways i am safe i am okif it got to the point i was like. fearful for my life thatd either be The delusion (which is actually good#for me i cant explain it but its good for me) or i coulf talk to my family abt it and theyd help#i just cant talk to them abt This. stuff. the like. the being broken stuff and just not being right#i cant talk to any of them abt that. but if i said hey im genuinely faarful i miggjt do something they would um. help. so its okay#idk. i hope the posts dont seem like i make them for pity i rly dont this blog is just my stream of consciousness#ik i just shouldnt post them and i should judtkeeo a diary but i dont um. how to explain thid#even if nobody sees it it feels better to make a tumblr post bc then it feels like. a performance i guess. its not its real but its like#if i put it somewhere other ppl can see it then that means i exist. thats not quite right but i dont know how to articulate like#i dont nexessarily want ppl to see them i find it embarassing i guess. but it feels dishonest to not post them#since i post everything else. bc i like being open online it makes me think im real. does that make sense#and there are timestamps so i know when things happen. thsts modtly how i remember things#is looking at my blog and checking dates and timestamps. and for older stuff i have to check my dms with ykw. which. is not good for.me at#all. but ihave no other way to remember dayes#i dont know. im rly sry i hate podting vents but i dont like deleting posts eithrr so j dont know oike. idk.#just idk know they arent like. They are serious they are how i feel and i usually make them ehen im in distress#but its not dangerous distress i judt get hopeless. yk? i dont wanr anybody to worry abt me ever im not supposed to be a burden#i dont knoe. i havent articulated anything well. basicallt i dont do rhem for attention i dont do them for like. guilttripping or pity#i dont rly do them for any reason other than irs pure word vomit. i suppose. and tumblr is my wordvomit website. i judt get on here and yap#and it makes me feel so much worse but i get better eventually so its fine.
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tbd and if you read this kill yourself immediately after
#bloodletting#need reassurance cant ask for it or its fake. like ik our arts shit why ask and feel worse after. but the mood wont improve w/o outside#help so i think ill just work up the motivation to cut and then wallow after work. maybe before if i wanna suffer abt it#i should eat and dont want to. whatever. i hope i die in my fucking sleep#really debating just not going into work but ill take the extra fucking idk 20#fucking useless ass dollars#ill try and go extra slow or something idfk too late to go#get food and eat it there#and just. whatever i cant say this right.#i want someone to try for me but i also dont want that at all. i hate pity i hate it#idek what try means. whatever. im so close to the headspace of being in canon its dangerous#in more than one way
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#feel like im being annoying tonight#but i feel like i already know how its gonna go down. im gonna say i feel like shit. hes gonna ask if i wanna talk about it#hes gonna say ''man that really fuckin sucks'' in response if i do talk about it and im gonna feel pitied (AKA worse)#or ill feel like a dicm of i say that i dont want to talk about it. though tbh i wish hed either change the way he empathizes with me#(like ive spoken to him about doing before#)#or just assume i dont want to talk about it and try to comfort me some other way that doesnt involve pitying me like im#a worm stranded on the sidewalk after the rain
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Vent
#i got such an insane inferiority complex#i feel less than anyone else and its making me desperately try to be better but im failing#and its making me so mad#i am so frustrated at being worse than others#i want to be like them. i want to be smart and learn easily and be fun and hot and popular and nice and a good person#i wanna be someone that change peoples lives i wanna be someone good#i wanna be someone that people look up to i wanna be better i wanna be better#i will never be on the same level as that one but i dont mind that. i have somehow managed to lock them into my phone mentally#theyre not real and i will never meet them or get their love anyway so who cares lol but i still want to be someone#i want to be. better#i want to be better#i want to do better#i want to be someone important#i want to be someone that makes a change#i want to be beautiful#i want to be smart and cool and competent#but instead im locked into my little apartment reading about depressing environmental studies and crying over the red list#i dont want to be less than#i dont like being powerless i hate being looked down on and pity makes my blood boil#there's nothing worse than being pitied#or being infantilized or made to feel powerless and small#i get so angry and frustrated and hopeless and sad and ugh#i want to be someone you cant look down on#i want to be special#i want to stop comparing myself#i dont know how#i get jealous and i get frustrated and i get desperate#i feel so fucking useless right now#i feel so pathetic#i hate feeling pathetic
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I hate that the internet uses "trolling" in place of the word bullying in order to get out of taking responsibility for hurting others. it's the same as calling it "joking" irl. it's still bullying and isn't funny. it's never some cutesy, innocent thing you do to make everyone laugh. it's always malicious and meant to hurt another person. internet "trolls" are just bullies that hide behind a screen to avoid the consequences of their words and actions. it's even proved by someone calling you a "troll" if you happen say something they don't like. "trolling" is nothing more than a mask for bullying. they're synonymous. but no one seems to want to have that conversation. everyone wants to defend "trolling" as harmless innocent jokes but I've never once seen innocent "trolling" and only seem bullies hiding behind anonymous internet names.
if you're going to be a shitty person, own up to it instead of hiding and avoiding responsibility and consequences for your words and actions. stop being cowards, you nasty freaks.
#lee rambles#another saga of Lee Doesnt Understand People#I GENUINELY DONT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE GET JOY OUT OF MAKING OTHERS MISERABLE#ive been told “their lives suck so they feel better making other peoples suck” BUT MINE SUCKS AND THAT DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER#in fact it makes me feel worse!!!#maybe im just better than all you disgusting bullies. your life sucks poor you. im better than you too so add that to your pity list#if i were to bully anyone id bully bullies because even if their lives are so bad supposedly they choose to be pieces of shit#so why do they bully innocent people? bully each other you freaks. see someone being shit? bully them instead. they deserve it#why do you bully people who dont?? I DONT GET IT FBFBBDDHFVDNSDNDNSFBDNDNFB#ill never get people but i still study them like weird giant bugs
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#yknow i dont think he realises what he's doing to himself#keeps going on about how he's depressed and anxious all the time but the very moment something makes him uncomfortable he just leaves#drops people without even trying to fix things#and instead of thinking “hey maybe thats making me feel worse” he just wallows in his own self pity#i dont think he realises what it does to other people too#ive spoken with mutual friends - theyre scared like i was#and apparently being scared is enough to make him uncomfortable and not want to *bother* with me anymore#but i swear to fuck if he hurts them im making him fucking apologise#he hasnt blocked my accounts only unfollowed them and ive kept distance out of respect for the inital block but if he fucking hurts them???#too fucking bad#i'll let him know how severely he's fucked up#the thing is i TRIED to cheer him up#tried to bring him a little happiness#only for him to shove me away and claim that its weird to try#as if decent friends arent supposed to do that#my only regret was that i tired being gentle with him to the end even as he spoke to me like it was all my fault#needs to get his head out his own ass
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