#or will it just live inside me until i die
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Spiderwebs & Red chaos
Peter was working on the Sandman cure, when he stops abruptly, eyes darting back and forth in nervous anticipation. Something—someone has triggered his spider-sense. He stood up, catching the attention of Otto Octavius, and Norman Osborn.
“Peter?” Otto asked.
“What’s wrong?” Norman asked.
Their voices were distant and disoriented as Peter walked towards Happy's kitchen/living room. “I don't know…” It was true. Peter didn't know exactly what he was sensing, all he knew was that it made his heart want to burst out of his chest, and made his breathing shallow.
“May? Y/N?” He calls out loud. Norman and Otto followed him into the living room kitchen area as Peter stands in the center of the villains. “What is it, Peter?” May asked, wondering why her nephew is so troubled. The young hero’s breath was hitched and shallow as he looked around the room, the tension in the air thick enough to cut through with a knife, getting to everyone.
“What's happening?” Flint Marko asked.
Peter looks at him, then at Otto and Norman, who moves around the room, and then at Max Dillon, who looks uneasy at the hero's eyes on him.”Why are you looking at me like that?” Peter searches, on alert. What is he sensing? Is one of
them about to betray him? Where is the threat? Was he losing his mind? All these questions buzzed inside his head like angry bees. He closed his eyes and focused his spider-sense. Reaching. Feeling. Until he…
THWIP!
Peter webs Norman's hand to the robot arm of DUM-E.
Norman smiles. “That’s some neat trick. That sense of yours.” His voice was low and ominous.
“Norman?” Otto asked.
“Norman’s on sabbatical, honey.” Norman said, a gleefully undertone in his smile.
“What the hell?” Max asked.
“Goblin…” Y/N whispered in realization. Peter and May share a look of concern.
“Surprise. No more darker half? Did you really think that I’d let that happen?” Aunt May slips quickly into the storage room, searching for the cures as Norman, aka, Goblin, continues his tirade. “That I’d let you take away my power just because you’re blind to what true power can bring you. Because you and Y/N squander the potential that you have.”
“You don't know us.” Peter said, staring Goblin down.
“Don’t I?” Goblin asked.
“No, you don't.” Y/N talked towards Peter's side, fingers twitching with power, but he wouldn't release it. Not just yet.
“Here's the real truth: the people of this city. There's one thing they love more than a hero... is to see a hero fail, fall, die trying. In spite of everything you've done for them, eventually they will hate you. Why bother?”
“Because it's right.” Peter said.
Meanwhile, May grabs the cures, one-by-one, and shoves them into her F.E.A.S.T. tote bag.“I saw how she trapped you two.” Goblin begins as May sneaks back into the kitchen from the storage room, clutching the bag of cures. She nods at Peter. She has them. “Fighting her holy moral mission. We don’t need you to save us... We don’t need to be “fixed!”
Sandman frowns as Goblin looks around the room of people he does, and doesn't know. “These are not curses.” Max looks down at his cure device. Beep! Another green light flashes on the device. Two more to go.
“Norman, no.” Otto protests.
“Quiet, lapdog!” Goblin snaps.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Peter said.
“I’ve watched you from deep behind Norman’s cowardly eyes. Struggling to have everything you want. While the world tries to make you choose. The Spider-Man and the brother of the Scarlet Witch, so desperate to have it all.” The device on Electro’s chest beeps once again. Only one more
light to go…
“Gods don’t have to choose.” Max looks at Norman, now really buying in… “We take.”
“You're no God, Goblin. You're sick.” Y/N said.
“Guess we'll find out…”
“May... RUN!” Peter said. May breaks for the door with the bag of cures. Electro takes the cure device off his chest, as Goblin tears free from the web holding him to DUM-E. Shooting electricity out, Electro reaches towards the storage room…
CRASH!
The Arc Reactor tears free from the Fabricator,
bursts through the kitchen wall, and flies into Electro’s hand as there is surgical electrical
contact happening. “Hey!” Y/N powered up his fist that glowed red with power, but Electro blasts him into the wall, crashing upon impact.
“Y/N!” Peter cried.
Goblin pounces on a distracted Peter, smashing him into the nearby stairs.Seeing this, Sandman disintegrates into a whirl of sand. Retreating. Down the hallway, May runs to the elevators, pressing the “down” button over and over again Electro surges with ARC Reactor power, supercharging his powers as he causes lights throughout the condo building to flicker on and off. May looks up, the hallway lights are flickering here too. As she pushes the elevator “down” button once more.
Doc Ock looks at Electro in horror. “Oh my God. What have you done?”
Electro scoffed. “I liked you better before.” He unleashes a Stark-grade cascade of electricity, blowing Otto back through the living room wall. Otto tears through glass and steel, plummeting to the ground below before finally coming to a
wrenching stop, his tentacle arms gripping the side of the building. Down in the plaza of the condo, J. Jonah directs his camera man upward.
“Up here, he’s up there!” The camera man points his camera towards the building just in time to capture Doc Ock climbing away, disappearing into the night. “It’s the guy from the bridge!”
In the stairwell, Aunt May heads for the emergency exit door, races downstairs.
Electro and the swirling cloud of sand that is Sandman approach the burst-open living room wall. Sandman propels himself forward, Electro following after he powers up with his new source of energy. The sand swirls around the police cars, rocking them back and forth as Max Dillon transforms into pure yellow lightning, hitching a ride on the tornado of sand. The shelter truck nearby rocks violently. The side of it being slashed, until the Lizard explodes out of the hole he cut open and runs off.
J. Jonah James looks at his camera guy. “...Did you see that?!” Police and bystanders scramble for cover as Electro and Sandman take to the wind and fly off.
Meanwhile, back in Happy’s apartment, Peter scrambled to help Y/N to his feet. Peter manages to get his boyfriend upward as they both turn to see Goblin staring at them, challenge in his eyes. “Y/N, find May. Protect her.” Peter said.
“No, not without you.” Y/N said. “We'll face him together.”
“No. Please, just do this for me. I need you to keep her safe. Promise?” Peter looks at him, vulnerability in his brown eyes. Y/N nods and begrudgingly heads for the door. “I promise.” He flies off, a red trail of energy behind him until he was gone.
“Perfect. Just you…and me…” Goblin cackled.
Peter charged.
#x male reader#male reader insert#male x male#spiderman comics#spiderman x male reader#tom holland#no way home#spiderman no way home#peter parker#peter parker x male reader#lbgtq#Gay#Bi#the apartment scene
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AITA for trying to accomplish my father's dreams and hurting my best friend in the process?
Alright, here we go. So, I (30M) have been working on a pretty intense task for the last few years. I made a promise to someone very dear to me—my father, to be exact—that I would do whatever it takes to accomplish it. To do this, I had to take some drastic steps. We’re talking undercover stuff, working within a system that’s more rotten than an overripe jackfruit, all to get closer to taking down the enemy from the inside.
To accomplish this mission, I needed a special promotion. I have been putting myself through hell and back, but those racist assholes at higher up kept passing over me to promote Mediocre White Dude #57. Then a few months ago, I finally, FINALLY made some solid progress when my boss's wife guaranteed me the promotion if I could track down and arrest some anonymous dude who was proving to be a security issue for my boss. Pretty straightforward, right?
Now here’s the issue. At about the same time a few months ago, I met this guy; let’s call him A (26M) for now. My work-life balance had honestly been, well, shitty to say the least, thanks to my father's mission, and I barely had the time to socialize and make any meaningful connections in the city I moved in. Meeting with A had been a chance encounter too. Long story short, we clicked instantly and became fast friends. He is a great guy all around— smart, funny, passionate, good natured, kind, helpful— just about everything you can possibly wish for in a friend (although he could be a little naive sometimes).
But here’s the kicker: a few days earlier, I found out that A has been lying to me about... basically EVERYTHING! ALL this time. He is not from the city; the people he claimed to be his family are not even related to him. Even his name isn't A, it's B! But what's worse is that he is exactly the guy I was supposed to arrest. And he was on a mission too. Except his mission was not targeting my boss, it was to rescue someone— his sister M (9F) to be exact— my boss and his wife had kidnapped and enslaved (long story). Yup, that’s right, we were on opposite sides without even realizing it.
Things escalated quickly. I... well… I had to make a choice. I chose to betray him to keep up my own cover and stick with my father's mission. And yeah, it was brutal— there was a literal fight to the death involved. I tried to convince him at first to surrender without fighting, but of course B didn't listen and refused to back down. I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurt to turn on someone I came to respect, even love…. uhh…. like a brother, of course.
And then, to rub salt to the wound, once I arrested him, my boss (FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK DIE BITCH) ordered me to flog B publicly till he fell to his knees and begged for mercy. Yeah, those were his exact words, that bastard! I felt like I had no choice, so I did what I was told. And it was one of the worst days of my life. I kept asking B to kneel so I could end the torture, but he is one stubborn and tough motherfucker and decided he would rather suffer through a public torture session than kneel. My dickface boss and his bitch wife weren't satisfied with how little blood I was drawing out of B, so they kept escalating the torture until B couldn't take it anymore and fell unconscious.
I ended up hurting him so badly, both physically and emotionally. It is fucking me up, honestly. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even get out of my bed right now. I honestly feel like dying.
So, AITA for betraying and hurting my best friend to accomplish my father's mission? I did what I thought was necessary to save countless lives, but I can’t shake the feeling that maybe I went too far.
Edit: No, B did not know that I worked for the people who kidnapped his sister. He did not befriend me to take advantage of my position, as some of you have been implying. He did not, I repeat, he did NOT betray me. If anyone has betrayed and wronged him, it's me!
Edit 2: No, I didn't tell B my real intentions and my father's mission. Didn't you read the post? I am working UNDERCOVER!
#rrr#rise roar revolt#rama raju#alluri sitarama raju#komuram bheem#komaram bheem#rambheem#ram x bheem#bheem x ram#desiblr#desi#desi tag#desi tumblr#india#aita#am i the asshole#original post#not incorrect quotes#ram charan#nt rama rao jr#malli#scott buxton#catherine buxton#ray stevenson#alison doody
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Thanks for the tag @gioiaalbanoart! I'm adding a chapter from a separate story called Stage One. Same ocs in an AU! (Alina meeting Eris in the lab instead of after it escapes) not finished, just something I've been doing on and off because I enjoy different scenarios. This part is still canon to Malignant though, which is why I'm adding it.
Stage One - Chapter one
Content Warnings: Slight torture/mention of torture, mention of feasting on human flesh.
Shrieks of agony rang out, echoing eerily off of the sleek, metal walls of the small containment chamber.
The little one could do nothing against the orange-suited, cruel human that was currently slicing its carmine biomass open as if it were nothing but a soft fruit. It had no control over any of its cells anymore, and wouldn’t until the weaponized aerated chemical had worn off.
All of the test subjects knew something bad was going to happen anytime that the aerosolized chemicals shot out from the small vents in each corner of the containment cells, but they had never been able to stop themselves from succumbing to its power.
None of them knew why the humans had brought them there in the first place, besides using them for their own gain to cure something that they called cancer. The lifeforms had been compared to the disease on many occasions, and the scientists thought that they could learn how to combat it by using the extraterrestrials in their research.
They had even come up with a scientific name for the creatures, calling them Endoparasitum. The term SIL, sentient infectious lifeform, was used frequently as well, but certain researchers preferred calling them abominations, a blight to mankind, and cancer incarnate, as if the creatures weren’t there by the humans’ choice to begin with.
Eris, who was watching its offspring being tortured from its own confines across the room had learned as much as it could about the strange species that had locked them away.
It was close to living out its plans for escaping, but the timing had to be just right for it to properly work. The humans still hadn’t learned of all of the things that its species could do, and it couldn’t wait to see the shock on all of their faces when it was too late for them to save themselves.
The little one, still officially unnamed by the researchers, hadn’t even been created by Eris’s own will. The researchers had collected eggs from it, and the other subjects, and grew them inside of an incubator. The process was unnatural, and resulted in all but one of them not even making it to the neonatal stage due to the researcher’s ignorance.
The one that did survive was the unlucky one. Eris couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for the runt, and knew that its entire existence would be nothing but pain and suffering if it didn’t act soon. It had only known that the youngling was its creation due to the fact that the egg batches had been separated and labeled, but its feelings about the situation wouldn’t have changed much if it had been another’s.
Several crimson tendrils slammed against the thick glass that separated Eris from the rest of the facility, keeping the humans safe for now. Its daily attempts at breaking the barrier had been futile. None of the other four adult subjects had successfully escaped either, but Eris had been formulating a plan.
It didn’t get along with any of the others, and was basically an outcast, due to reasons that the humans didn’t understand yet, but it still wasn’t going to leave them here to die when the time came to leave the place behind.
Troy tossed the steel blade to the side as he looked deep inside of the paralyzed youngling. “I know there’s something about you fucking abominations that we haven’t discovered yet, and I’m going to find it…you all seem to possess a higher intelligence than I originally thought, and I have a feeling that you all can understand me. Must be the human flesh scraps I’ve been tossing in there. Heh.”, he spoke loudly, making sure all of the extraterrestrials could hear his grating voice.
Eris felt an ounce of smugness at the fact that Troy still hadn’t figured it out yet. He hadn’t been entirely wrong; feeding them human remains had allowed them all to internally study the DNA that was brought into their biomasses.
Some used it to gain size, while others, like Eris, just converted the meat into energy, but they all stored the genetic codes in their system, waiting until the right time to use it properly. Troy never fed any of them enough for Eris to be able to even properly mimic something the size of a human, at least not yet. Gaining energy was the priority, then the mass.
Learning the behaviors of other lifeforms came as second nature to this foreign species. Humans were complex, especially their language, but it wasn’t impossible to study it from a distance, and understand what they were saying, especially after processing their varied DNA.
Eris had no idea what it was going to do once it actually left its sterile prison, or if the environment outside of the facility was even livable. The researchers had done an excellent job at not speaking about such things around the amorphous carnivores, but Eris would try to find out as much as it could before leaving in order to secure its own future.
It could hardly wait to sink its barbed tendrils into the large man’s supple flesh, and hear his screams for mercy. Soon, Troy would be nothing but a unrecognizable mess on the floor, it thought, as it menacingly stared ahead with many atramentous eyes.
---
Idk who to tag who hasn't been tagged yet, feel free to share anyways!
Xena’s Share Day
todays a free day! have something you wanna share? here’s your chance, doesn’t matter what it is!! lemme see it!
#this could have been written better but Im at work. just edited what I wrote a year ago.#.mine#.malignant#writing#my writing#writeblr#horror
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This is what Taako remembers, later:
He remembers the attic, small, dusty, claustrophobic. Things stacked up in corners, becoming looming shadows in the low light of the candles. Dust that kicked up from every surface, over books and papers and wood.
He remembers the circle, lines of white chalk that curve around in delicate strokes erased and redrawn many times by hesitant hands. Symbols along the edges; the dragons entwined, male and female, symbolizing the perfect human, drawn upside down to depict God being summoned to earth; the lion with its jaw wide open as if to swallow the sun, the souls returning to the world from where they reside.
He remembers fear and excitement and anticipation, all rolled up into one feeling exploding out of his heart, a feeling too big for his body. It's a feeling of satisfaction; he's brilliant and he knows it, they're brilliant, and anyone who says otherwise is selling something.
He remembers light, white at first, blinding as it rises up from the edges of the circle where his hands rest, around the materials they had gathered for the transmutation, and he remembers knowing they've cracked the code. He remembers light, the way it had suddenly dimmed into a deep purple, casting dark shadows over his face and hers, and that had been his first indication that something had gone wrong.
He remembers the way his body is unmade, he remembers standing and then falling as his left leg unwraps like a ribbon falling away from him, all the way up past his knee. Then there is blood and blood and blood, and he remembers crying out as the pain hits him like a freight train. He sees the truth and he won't remember it right away later, but it has his leg now.
He remembers Lup, hand outstretched and screaming as she too falls away, spiraling, unmade, into nothing, nothing, nothing.
He remembers being alone.
He remembers knowing the answer now of how to get her back, of the old set of armor under the deep red cloak. He draws the circle in his own blood, still pooling underneath his untidily wrapped stump of a leg, and there is no hesitation in his hands this time. There is no tremor in his finger as he traces the circle on the cloak, almost invisible in color; no fear as he faces the truth a second time. It takes his hand that time, his arm, up to his shoulder (right hand, no more drawing circles for him, he thinks, but he doesn't mind as long as he has his sister back).
He remembers the cloak lifting off the suit of armor like a specter, a single pinpoint of glowing white light where the face would be. He remembers his sister's voice calling his name as he bleeds out on the floor.
He doesn't remember much after that.
#taz/fma au#i have so much more of this#does anyone care about it though is the question#or will it just live inside me until i die#z writes
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Chapter 89
I just finished Chapter 89
#I just finished Chapter 89… I don’t know what else to say… I have a lot to say… but… like… no. Just no.#Kingdom of Ash spoilers in tag and I guess kinda post but not really#90s only gonna hurt more with Abraxos & Narene & I hate reading reactions & Dorian’s not there & Manon my love like what do we do now what#first read#reading reacts#live updates#read with me#cry with me die with me idk cause why with me all I have now is bad rhymes cause my brain has been evaporated too (too soon?)#read along#Chapter 89#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah Jessica Maas why did you do this to me#I miss ACOTAR where no one dies#I mean it’s well written#and I’m fangirl heartbroken#but also real world crying#cathartic read world grief Maasverse moments and love and loving and hope and destruction and despair and fangirling and feels and agh#this better have a happy ending#I can’t keep calm but I guess I’ll read on#I don’t know the last time a book made me actually cry this much and broke my heart so deeply… I miss you already Asterin… Vesta… Sorrel… 13#stupid tag letter count cut off stopping me from listing them all but my loves … always … until the darkness claims us… and even then…#I am not okay#I am dead inside#I will never recover#KoA actually stands for Killed Off All of my soul that’s what the KOA part means#SARAH WHAT DID YOU DO#I wish I could hug fictional characters#haven’t finished the book yet just the chapter that finished me#once 13 always 13#I prefered live Fenrys since it ACTUALLY INVOLVED LIVING
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@djsouled asked:
[ sms ] what are the odds you can cover for my english class today, eh? say one of our favorite blonds ('sides you, of course) started coming down with something. :)
[Unprompted. || Accepting!]
Yagi tilted his head. It wasn't often that his phone went off for reasons other than missions- so to see Yamada's contact flash on the screen caused him a small deal of worry. He was quick to unlock the device, heading to the chat in question--- and relaxing slightly, though his concern was not fully abated.
[Present Mic] [what are the odds you can cover for my english class today, eh? say one of our favorite blonds ('sides you, of course) started coming down with something. :)]
A small chuckle escaped him at that.
[Self] [The odds are one in one. Just send me whatever lesson plans you have, and I'll look them over when I have the chance. Do you want me to pick up anything later? I can make a rather nice soup for the funniest blond, if you want.]
He could let Nezu know that he'd be taking over Yamada's English courses for the day. Of course, Yagi had already spent all of his hours...- He couldn't just let villains slide!- But at least he'd be able to teach as his True Form. Another day as 'All Might's personal assistant', it would seem...and slightly, this time, Yamada's.
That caused another soft chuckle.
[Self] [There isn't a quiz today, is there?]
#Through many battles/I have been tested/I’ve never failed/Never have been bested || Toshinori Yagi#Taking all my will just to run alone/Until I bring you home || Verse | Main#Cause I've been living life right/Like I/Could just die any minute || Yamada Hizashi#I can’t put this behind me/Or just pretend || Asks#//man doesn't even look at his schedule just 'you got it'#//personal hc but I do think N3zu limited his classes because 'you're supposed to be retired' which kills him a bit inside#//so he has a few more free periods than any other teacher and as such...#//when he gets requests like these he just *snaps them up*#//but yeah now he's worried about the blond#//sickness be evillll
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whenever i think/talk abt a "you" it's at least 5 different people usually
#ive been thinking about how you separated the star of david into triangles and taught me about the equilibrium about as above so below#are we in equilibrium? ive been thinking about the star of david and the rest in peace beneath it#fuck the fascists and fuck how they took you and fuck how theyll take everyone. am i good at analysis?#it turns out weve all been lying a lot. it turns out the person weve all lied the most to was ourselves.#ive been thinking about your 5 journals and a whole week of crying just to realise our sin. you felt like a nucleus inside a fuzz of#electrons and i felt like the fuzz of electrons. we caught a ribbon and followed it past the point of discomfort#this is how you breathe so that you dont die and this is how you breathe so that you do. on your own terms.#i am going to be a good architect. i am going to be a good engineer. i am going to be a good neuroscientist. i am going to be good.#i reserve the label for being a let-go-of-labels person. i am going to be the one who lets go of identifiers#and make it my identity. how do you achieve constant bliss? separate the nucleus and the fuzz.#suffering from the impact of the self and the self-image، you told me about the bliss of separation.#okay. let them hate the cloud. youre inside of it all. i am nothing. this is not a label for the self. mereology is a lovely thing.#baby you are ripping through all these spiderwebs just to live. this is part of the normal developmental process. i am surrounded by people#who throw sums of millions out of their mouths like any other lovely word. i cant stand the thought of your loss#except only in theory. ive been thinking about the bird with the broken wing in florence and how we stood around it until#two friends picked it up and took it home in hopes of nursing him back to flight. ive been thinking about how we are designed to care#for each other. tomorrow you will have your dreams crushed. the day after you will keep going. we are sharing#in the wonders of being perceiving beings. isnt that enough? why do you need to perceive the monstrosity of your own soul? is it#because i love you? is it because you love yourself? you love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel the terrible corners of you.#you can finally stand on your own. you can only stumble forward until you walk for the first time.
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ok but this animatic is gonna be so good if i actually make it
#my post#now i just have to. draw it.#but like!! it goes through all 3 episodes right. it starts w ranboo opening his eyes and waking up in the cabin#he goes through the cooking show and when the audio distorts on the word ‘decimal’ the slime turns red!#then all the sneeg stuff and at ‘condemn him to the infirmary’ rnab walks through the door and gets snatched by rats! then its the key room#from ep 2. gets through thst quick and its the surgery room! when audio distorts on ‘trouble’ the slime turns red AGAIN! and then the#‘scattering sparks of thought energy’ bit is the 3rd room w all the people! ‘here in my kingdom-cower and pray’ is sneeg being mind wiped.#the crazy bit is when we go through all the other rooms and the ending of it is hitw. then rnab going through puzzlers office. the ‘sososo’#is rnab seeing the cameras and walking off set! ‘spiralling down thy majesty’ is when hes staring at the showfall logo! then hes following#hutchs instructions and then he finds charlie and drags him along on ‘i was just a boy you see’#and on ‘i plead of you have sympathy for me’ theyre running and ranboo hits the button on ‘me’. he turns and the camera spins with him. and#he gets kidnapped again. ‘see how the serfs work the ground’ is hutch. ‘see how they’ has the lights slowly coming up#‘see’ shows a few… employees? then ‘how’ is a bit more and ‘they’ a spotlight shines on rnab all crucified yknow. and ‘see how the brain#plays around’ is mr squiggles! ‘and you fall inside a hole you didnt see’ both. then the die/live vote pops up. it goes back and forth until#‘someone help me’ on ranboo struggling against the restraints. ‘understand’ on the red lights of the mask. ‘whats going on’ on the symbol on#the back. ‘inside my mind’ is the vote struggling around the 50/50 mark. ‘doctor i cant tell if im not me’ is a wider shot of ran and then#the box snaps shut and the screen fades to black.#but! but then! on ‘when it grows bright’ the same animation from the beginnibg plays!#ranboo wakes up in the cabin and looks around!#:) ‘when it grows bright the particles start to marvel having made it through the night#never they ponder whether electric calming if you look at it right’#yeah. abywahs i like this animatic so far
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🥲
#literally laid in bed all day#I mean from the moment I woke up at 9am until even now#didn't even eat#just too fucking bogged down by the misery of it all#stuck somewhere between desperately needing to cry and wanting to punch myself repeatedly in the face#broken foot? idk her#how could I possibly when I was incapable of summoning the will to live for even a single moment?#dear god I just want to die so bad#anything not to feel this fucking heavy ass icy hole in my chest anymore#makes me feel physically ill to be stuck with all the fucking TIME#how can something so HEAVY feel so EMPTY at the same time?#it weighs me down constantly and makes near impossible to breathe or sleep#I actually like going to work because it's the only time feel able to beat the weight#it's some sort of inexplicable mixture of gut-wrenching loneliness and inescapable self-loathing and all-consuming desolation#not to mention the hopelessness#I desperately want to be with and talk to someone but at the same time don't want anything to do with anyone#it hurts so goddamn bad inside all the fucking time that even these broken bones feel like a blissful change#i LIKE being physically hurt because it feels real and light and and forgiving compared to whatever the FUCK is in my chest these days#god i can't take this much longer
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#the exhaustion gets worse. this fatigue i wont ever escape#i keep thinking about things that happened and past and present blur so heavily it dims my vision#I have a friend whos quitting their job and becoming a stay at home partner. just gardening and being with their cats#i think it hit me recently that we will never cease. even as everything gets worse and worse and worse and so much worse for us#we wont be able to stop. we will quite literally work until we die#4 hours of sleep per night and not being able to stomach food anymore has made us struggle#i feel every day like we are living on borrowed time. i look healthy. i seem healthy#im rotting from inside out. something is *happening* to us i can feel it
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ADAIR WE HAVENT DONE MERMAID PIRATE STUFF IN SO LONG WHATS WRONG W US
and if you vote for ME this NOVEMBER I WILL remedy this
#⌜❝ 𝙾𝙾𝙲. until next song. i will live until you die. ❞ ⌟#maljefe#SOBS#WE JUST HAVE SO MANY AUS#AND THEY ALL SLAP#expect me in ur inbox the moment i'm back inside after errands n chores tonight mark my WORDS
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i have rough, calloused fingers but not because i've been working the earth or have learned to play the guitar but bc i have very strong compulsions to hit really hard at random places on my phone screen or computer keyboard when the vibes under the surface of them feel off
#shady websites are my greatest enemy bc i have to slam down on the mouse very hard many many times per minute to find peace#and that's where the evil ads wait for me#i also can't stalk people on instagram and so on bc i WILL have to hit the screen vv hard many times at random and that's how you get caugh#my fingers hurt really bad if i've spent a whole day on the computer bc i have banged on it many many times every minute very very hard#this started months ago#it's also soo annoying when watching videos on my phone bc i keep pausing the video and skipping around accidentally#i once tried to not do it i watched a music video and the Feeling came over me that there is something wrong and imbalanced under the scree#and i said No. i will not slam hard at the screen. i am strong. i will simply watch the video and the feeling will go away. it doesnt matte#the feeling did not go away and i did not simply watch the video and i was not strong. i did slam hard at the screen#it felt HORRIBLE! i couldn't live like that. my whole body was goddamn screaming until i gave in. i couldn't even focus on the video#anyway. my fingers hurt and the pads of them are harder than they should be all things considered#i can't even describe the Feeling. it waits just under the surface of the phyical object. and i have to hit it#the only way to not his it. for example the computer keyboard. is to simply press on the button instead of slamming it#press on it for a really long time and in the exact right place so the energies become balanced again#lowkey it takes me longer to write anything bc i have to rub at my fingertips with my other fingers bc the vibes feel off inside the finger#bc they touch the evil keyboard with strange energies hiding under the keys#RRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHH#i don't even have ocd. it's not like i have obsessive thoughts that i try to control by doing compulsions#there's no ''my parents will die and i will get a disease and i'll burn the house down''. it just feels. Bad. and Wrong. and i can't let it#can't let it be#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#pickapost
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To be aware you might be trans but unwilling to do anything about it is to create endlessly bigger boxes within which to contain yourself. When you are a child, that box might encompass only yourself and your parents. By the time you are a gainfully employed adult, that box will contain multitudes, and the thought of disrupting it will grow ever more unthinkable. So you cease to think of yourself as a person on some level; you think not of what you want but what everybody expects from you. You do your best not to make waves, and you apologize, if only implicitly, for existing. You stop being real and start being a construct, and eventually, you decide the construct is just who you are, and you swaddle yourself up in it, and maybe you die there. There is still time until there isn’t.
This reading of TV Glow’s deliberately anticlimactic, noncathartic ending cuts against the transition narrative you typically see in movies and TV, in which a trans person self-accepts, transitions, and lives a happier life. Owen gets trapped in a space where he knows what he must do to live an authentic life but simply refuses to take those steps because, well, burying yourself alive is a terrifying thing to do. The transition narrative posits a trans existence as, effectively, a binary switch between “man” and “woman” that gets flipped one way or another, but to make our lives so binary is to miss how trans existences possess an inherent liminality.
Humans’ lives unfold in a constant state of becoming until death, but trans people are uniquely keyed in to what this means thanks to the simple fact of our identities. You can get lost in that liminality, too, forever trapped in a midnight realm of your own making, stuck between what you believe is true (I am a nice man with a good family and a good job, and I love my life) and what you know, deep in your most terrified heart of hearts, is real (I am a girl suffocating in a box).
And yet if you want to read the film as being about the dangerous allure of nostalgia, you’re not wrong. I Saw the TV Glow totally supports that interpretation, too! But in tempting you with that reading, the film creates a trap for cis viewers that will be all too familiar to trans viewers. Somewhere in the middle of Maddy’s story about The Pink Opaque being real, you will make a choice between “This kid has lost it!” and “No. Go with her, Owen,” and in asking you to make that choice, TV Glow is simulating the act of self-accepting a trans identity.
See, the grimmer read of the film’s ending truly is a nihilistic one. It leaves no hope, no potential for growth, no exit. Yet you must actively choose to read that ending as nihilistic. If you are cis and the end of I Saw the TV Glow left you with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction, a weird but hard-to-pin-down feeling that something had broken, and a melancholy bordering on horror — congratulations, this movie gave you contact-high gender dysphoria.
In an infinite number of possible universes, there is at least one where I am still living “as a man,” embracing my fictionality, avoiding looking at how much more raw and real I feel when I “pretend” to be a woman. I think about that guy sometimes. I hope he’s okay.
Consider, then, my cis reader, that TV Glow is for both you and me, but it is maybe most of all for him. I hope he sees it. I hope he breaks down crying in the bathroom afterward. I hope he, after so many years locked inside himself, hears the promise of more life through the hiss of TV static.
Emily St. James, “I Saw the TV Glow’s Ending Is Full of Hope, If You Want It to Be,” Vulture. June 4, 2024.
#i saw the tv glow#jane schoenbrun#isttvg#isttvg spoilers#i saw the tv glow spoilers#reading#emily st james
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maybe i WILL get to move back home
#the bin#i talked to my mom and things might go ok but idk#i just have to wait and see but i desperately hope i can move. i need to see a doctor so bad. my whole body feels horrible all the time#and my tooth has gotten so much worse. i can deal with it if thres an end date. i cant deal with it indefinitely. and i cant afford to get#it fixed without insurance. i would rather die than deal with this shit for another however long i have to i CAN NOT do that#esp bc i would need to go to work while experiencing it. idk. im shaky literally ALL the time and my insides alwyas hurt and my joints#hurt so much too. and half the time im at work my chest hurts and i cant see straight. i cant fuckin do this anymorew.#apparently my dad might be getting a new job so their landlord might be more willing to renew but idk. she said she should know on april 1st#which isnt that far away but idk. i mean. its not impossible theyll renew. who knows. i hope so.#i know at keast thst i have a way to get there if there is a place for me to live so thats good. my health cant take this anymore. and im#also not able to emotionally. idk what other option i have but. god. its hard enough as is. im having like a perpetual panic attack since i#found out i probs wont get to move. im tryna be optimistic. i dont think im physically capable of staying here any longer#it was hard enough to stay herenthis extra yearm ive been having breakdowns repeatedly over it. and my physical health keeps worsening#i miss my little sister. i wanna be able to see the people i care about. theres so few people in the world i enjoy being around and i dont#get to see them ever. instead i have to see my second least favorite person in the world in order to even just get groceries#hhhh. i want the time to pass so i can know for sure but i also desperately dont wnat it to cause im so scared itll be bad news#whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up#and figure out moving there later on but like. i was really happy to NOT have to worry abt rent or working so i could focus on my health and#then i could go back that that stuff. oh well
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an. part two of this | masterlist
You tell him you broke up with your boyfriend while he’s away for work, bunked up in a safe house in the middle of nowhere with shit reception, hearing your words as clear as day as if they weren’t the chopped-up version coming through his burner phone.
“It just…didn’t work out.”
It didn’t work out.
He pretends his stomach doesn’t pleasantly twist because he’d expected it to happen eventually. He’s not happy about it—although it does make the desert heat more bearable in his heavy tactical gear—and tells Soap to fuck off when he comments on it.
It was a one-time fuck because Simon doesn’t date. He’s tried in the past before he met you—the flowers, the late-night dinners—but with him being gone almost every other month (sometimes longer, shorter if he’s lucky), it never works out in the end. Sleeping with you twice would fall under that category, the quasi-relationship kind, and make everything messier than it needs to be.
Just some fun, no strings, those are the words he promised.
If only he believed them.
He does, for all of two weeks until he’s home again, and it’s summer, so you’re wearing a flowy dress that shows off the long expanse of your legs.
(He’s a goner—not even sure why he tried to think otherwise.)
That one time he’d promised turns into a second, both of you stumbling into your apartment after a night out. The music from the pub still thumping loudly underneath your floor as he pushes you against the front door, hands in your hair—on your waist, underneath your skirt, down your thigh to hitch it over his waist—teasing your mouth open with a swipe of his tongue across your bottom lip.
You make this delighted little noise in the back of your throat, arching into him, and his hand spans down your stomach, beneath your underwear, to nudge your messy clit with his knuckle, wanting to hear all the sounds you make now that he has you alone.
A whiny cry of his name rewards him—jeans tightening around his waist at the sound—when his fingers go down, down until they press against your tight little hole, one finger pressing inside slowly. "If I make you cum, I get to fuck you here.”
You smile prettily, and it disarms him. “If you make me cum, you can fuck me however you want.”
Neither of you makes it to the bed, falling asleep on the living room floor instead, the blanket from the couch draped haphazardly over both of you with his arm curled over your waist.
That night had been a slip of judgment, a product of wanting something warm and soft after several months of only having his hand for company.
It happens again and again, and he keeps letting it happen until there’s no more hiding under the guise of just fun because it somehow turns into a lot more than that.
Simon can’t explain how it happens—maybe becoming something he can touch and hold and think about often—but he finds himself in an exclusive relationship with you that isn’t exactly a relationship because he’s unsure of the ins and outs that they entail.
(Always has been.)
His father was a shit role model, and it was always easier finding someone new who didn’t know his name or care about his scars and only wanted a nice fuck. There had never been any point in shooting for something serious when it was always out of the question for him, until now, that is.
He takes you to that over-rated restaurant overlooking the Thames Marcus never brought you to. A picture of you and him with the sunset in the background—your smile almost blinding in the photo—becomes his home screen, and he finds he doesn’t care when Soap has something to say about it.
He lets you do nonsensical shit, like buying small plants for his house that are surely going to die from him being gone before he comes up with the great idea to give you a key. It’s just a key.
(It’s more than just a key.)
Simon finds himself asking if he can come over more often throughout the week, which slowly moulds and shifts into nights filled with things other than sex—sleeping after a long day of work, cuddling on the couch, cooking together, going to the movies—he doesn’t try to make a big deal out of it because you used to hang out all the time without sex.
(Somewhere, there’s a but in there.)
There’s still no label to whatever this is, and he wonders if you want him to be the first to say the thing you’ve both been dancing around for a little over…he can’t remember, but he knows it’s been long enough for your things to mix in with his at his house.
Be with me because I’m yours, and you’re mine, that’s what he’s trying to say, and it’s never the right time. Men like him—a little broken, rough, and jagged around the edges sharp enough to cut—aren’t good with words like that.
(That’s what he thought.)
If he hadn’t seen you talking to a guy at the pub, eyes crinkling in that same sweet way whenever Simon makes you laugh, he wonders if he would’ve been the first to break from the start. He knows it’s your job as a bartender to be nice, but his jaw clicks at the sight of the guy leaning over the bar and into your space, almost too close.
The feeling doesn’t go away until he has you spread out on your mattress under him—clothes haphazardly peeled out of the way for him to put his mouth on you—your lips pursed tight around two of his fingers to give you something to focus on as his other hand works between your thighs, pressing down on your tongue when gurgled little sounds slip out.
He teases you with a small, pink vibrator he found inside your bedside table, your legs kicking out and toes curling into his calves.
“Mine. This is mine, love,” he groans, pressing you further into the bed with his weight. “Do you understand?”
You nod, tears pearling and leaking from the corner of your eyes.
“Lemme cum,” you whine, words muffled. “Simon, I want to cum. Please.”
He won’t lie that he’s close after jerking into his fist to the sight of you writhing on the sheets—swears he can feel his heartbeat throbbing against the back of his fingers—takes in your surprised expression when he pushes forward, impaling you on the first few inches of his cock.
His stomach twists from the squeal that escapes your throat, and fuck, your cunt, so hot and tight with little pulses that drive him crazy, only growing tighter when he turns up the speed on the vibrator.
“‘Mm, gonna cum. I’m—”
He grits his teeth as you start to flutter around his cock once he’s rooted inside you. “Go on—fuck—go on, love. Let me feel it.”
You look so perfect like this, like a dream: lips parted into an enticing little O with his name tumbling out in breathy mewls, tits hanging out from the bra he shoved to the side, eyes glassy and unfocused.
“So fucking pretty.” He kisses your throat, panting into your sweat-slick skin, and it’s not long before he’s falling over the edge with you.
Next time, he’ll have the courage to tell you: that you’re not someone he calls for a meaningless fuck on the weekend, that Simon misses you when he’s gone and can’t wait to come home, that he wants to try with you—except not when he’s balls deep and trembling inside your heavenly cunt.
But the smile he feels against his shoulder makes him think that maybe…
Maybe you already know.
#simon riley smut#simon riley imagine#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost x reader#simon riley x reader#cod smut#cod imagine#cod x reader#mw2 smut#mw2 x reader#mw2 imagine#ghost x reader#ghost imagine#ghost smut#.things i write
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Hey I want to request something since I saw your request was open. So can you do a fic where five and y/n ( they are already married) end up in the deli with the other fives.
Basically there are only few fives that have a y/n but she's died in their timeline. So basically it's just the other fives wanting to know more about her abd the fives telling their stories of their y/n
Y/n absolutely loves the attention she almost sequeled when she saw the other fives lol.
a/n: so this actually ended up turning into a more depressing piece than i planned LOL but the original intention is there
warnings: language, angst, mentions of death, light amount of fluff
summary: your search for answers leads you to a deli with multiple versions of your husband inside
As the danger of the impending apocalypse finally begins to sink in for Five, he realizes he needs to get you somewhere safe until he figures out a way to stop the world from ending. Thus, while his siblings continued to fight off the monstrous cleanse that was Ben and Jennifer, Five quickly grabbed hold of you and jumped you both to the only place he could think of.
You stumble over your own feet as your body adjusts to being dropped into a new setting, your hand quickly raising to shield your eyes from the bright neons that hang above you as you take in your surroundings. A subway car comes to a screeching halt in front you, and before you can protest Five is quickly ushering you inside.
“Five, where are we?” You demand, completely disoriented from having been transported away from the fight without warning and preoccupied with worry at the thought of your family fighting against the Cleanse without you both present. “Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you somewhere safe where you can stay until I figure out how to undo this mess,” he instructs you hastily, his lips pulling back into an exasperated frown at your resistance to enter the subway car. He doesn’t have time for you to fight him on this, his siblings need him, and he needs you away from the fight. Though you’re skilled at combat and wickedly smart, you don’t have powers, and Five can’t risk something happening to you while he’s preoccupied with saving the world.
“You’re leaving me?!” You exclaim in distress as panic immediately begins to take over your rational mind. You push against him harder to move away from the train, but despite all your efforts the boy doesn’t budge.
“It’s only temporary, I promise you,” he assures you, and when you shove him hard in the chest once more he tightly takes hold of your hands and brings them to his lips to comfort you. “I’ll take you somewhere nice, somewhere with a beautiful house and a garden full of strawberry bushes. I found it while exploring other timelines in search of clues on how to prevent the apocalypse, I know it’s safe because I went there alone. You can stay in the house until this is all over and I’ll come back for you.”
“Five, what if…” you swallow harshly as tears begin to well in your eyes, your emotions overtaking you at the thought of this being goodbye, “…what if you don’t come back?”
Five refuses to meet your gaze when the question leaves your lips. He’d never lie to you, and he knows he can’t guarantee he’ll live long enough to join you in the peaceful timeline he’d found, but he doesn’t have the heart to voice this to you. How can he look you in your tear filled eyes and tell you that this might be the last time you’ll be together as husband and wife?
Sighing, he releases your hands in exchange for cupping your face so that he may brush away the tears that slide down your warm cheeks. He hopes that one day you’ll be able to understand that every moment leading up to this has been for you, and he would happily die a hundred times over if it meant keeping you safe. “You’re just going to have to trust me.”
You open your mouth to argue only to snap it shut when your gaze falls over his shoulder and lands on another figure in the subway. You blink away your tears to get a better view and are left speechless when you realize you’re staring back at the face of your husband.
But how can that be when he’s standing right in front of you?
Noticing your change in demeanor, Five follows your gaze and spots the lookalike that stands across the way from you both. His features contort into confusion as you both watch the second Five offer you a wave in greeting before disappearing down the stairs. Exchanging looks of uncertainty, Five and yourself immediately rush after the doppelgänger to figure out just what exactly is going on.
Your quick chase leads you both to the front doors of a deli, the dazzling sign above welcoming you warmly as you cautiously open the doors and set foot into Max’s despite Five’s protests to wait. If this other Five has the answers you need to return home safely together, then you’ll stop at nothing to get them.
Your originally confident demeanor quickly dwindles when the restaurant becomes deathly silent upon your entry. While you only expected to see one Five, you now find about twenty of them staring intently at you as you slowly walk towards the lookalike from the subway that waves you over to his table. Five is quick to rush after you and place a protective arm around your waist; you’re not the only one unsettled by their stares, and he feels uncharacteristically territorial in the presence of himself.
“Have a seat,” the subway lookalike offers with a gesture towards the empty space across from him, and you’re both quick to slide into the cushions at his command. “I’m glad you found me.”
“What is this place?” Your husband demands impatiently as another Five dressed in a waiter’s uniform approaches your table with three cups of coffee in hand.
“This is where all the Fives come after they decide to give up on figuring out a way to stop the apocalypse.”
As he speaks, a plate of pie is suddenly placed in front of you, and before you can even open your mouth to question it, the waiter offers you wink and assures you, “It’s on the house.”
Picking up the fork, your eyes widen in surprise as you realize what specific dessert has been given to you. Looking up at the Five across from you, you ask, “How did he know that-“
“Pumpkin pie is your favorite?” The lookalike finishes for you with an amused smile before leaning back to take a drink of his coffee. “We all know that, because we all know you.”
“Me?” You repeat quietly, brows drawn together in confusion as you look to your husband who seems rather displeased with all of the attention you’re getting. He never once thought to think of himself as potential competition over you, but it figures. Who better than himself to sweep you off your feet?
“Mind telling me why you all seem to have such a great interest in my wife?” Five demands with a wry smile, eyes blazing with annoyance and a subtle hint of jealousy.
“‘Your’ wife?” The Five behind the deli counter scoffs in amusement. “Take a number, pal.”
“What deli Five means to say is that each and every one of us has our own y/n in our own perspective timelines,” the boy across from you clarifies before gesturing to the the back of the shop. Your eyes widen in shock as you take in all the various pictures of yourself that line the wall from top to bottom, and it takes you a moment to process the fact that various versions of you have existed throughout time unbeknownst to you.
“My y/n was a trained assassin,” the Five at the table next to you describes with a dreamy smile before biting into his sandwich.
“Mine was sent alongside Hazel and Cha Cha to kill me,” another voices while pulling down the collar of his shirt to showcase the ghastly scar on his chest. “She gave me this along with three beautiful kids before I screwed it all up with this end of the world bullshit.”
“If you all care so much about her then why did you give up trying to save the world?” Your husband protests in agitation. Your search for answers is going absolutely nowhere, and you’re both left with more questions than solutions. If these doppelgängers were really meant to be him from different timelines, then why did they quit so easily? His sole purpose, his entire being, was doing everything in his power to ensure the safety of his family. Come hell or high water, Five would always be willing to get his hands dirty if it meant you and his siblings lived to see another day. So why weren’t they doing the same? “Why come here instead of preventing the apocalypse so she has the chance to live a safe and happy life even if it means you can’t be in it?”
A forlorn silence fills the deli at his question, and now none of the Fives can find it in themselves to look at you. Their features are almost shameful, their eyes full of guilt and their shoulders full of tension as no one dares to answer.
“When us Fives find a way to save the world, y/n is the one that pays the price,” the boy across from you discloses somberly before tilting his head to meet your gaze. Looking at you is like looking at a ghost, and he has to stop himself from reaching out to you as if you are his own. “The Handler killed my y/n after discovering my betrayal of the Commission.”
Another Five raises a woeful hand before announcing, “Viktor killed my y/n on accident with his bow after he discovered his powers.”
“My wife took a bullet for me because she thought my life was worth more than her own.”
“Dad had y/n disposed of in my timeline because he saw her as a distraction to me and my siblings.”
“Cha Cha tracked us down, found our home, and burned it to the ground with y/n still in it while I was away trying to save the world.”
You swallow harshly and ignore the knots in your stomach at hearing all the violent ways in which other versions of you had met their end. Your heart aches at learning what these men have been through and how much they’ve lost, but it also makes you begin to wonder if your fate will be worse than any story they can come up with. Sensing your discomfort, Five wraps a comforting arm around your figure and pulls you closer into his side.
“No matter how many times I traveled back to make it right, the result was the same,” the boy across from you relents in a desolate tone. “If I couldn’t even keep the most important woman in my life safe then how could I expect myself to save the world?”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” you murmur softly, taking it upon yourself to reach across for his hand and offer your comfort. “I’m sorry for all of your losses. But as a y/n myself, I don’t think she would have wanted you to give up. She would have wanted you to keep going in spite of her death because that’s what she loved about you- your strength and your resilience when it comes to saving the people you care about.”
“God, you sound just like her,” he comments with a doleful laugh before shaking his head and pulling his hand away. “Believe me, I did everything I could. But no matter what we do, there’s no escaping the apocalypse.”
“So that’s it? There’s nothing we can do?” Five retorts in disbelief. This was all a complete waste of his time. He’s nowhere near close to preventing the Cleanse, and you’re still not somewhere safe away from the impending apocalypse.
“You can enjoy the time you have left with your y/n,” the lookalike instructs firmly, the other Fives in the deli nodding along. “You got lucky, you still have your wife, so why don’t you do us all a favor and take her somewhere nice?”
“I’m not giving up on this,” your husband argues before hastily rising from his seat in the booth. “There has to be a way to save the world, and I won’t stop until I figure it out myself.”
You watch him stalk out of the deli with purpose as he slams the door open and begins to formulate his next move. The room is silent other than the bell that jingles above the door, and you take this as your cue to leave.
“I should probably go after him,” you admit with a meek smile before scooting your way out of the booth. The Five from the subway rises to meet you, and he can’t help but to carefully cup your face in his hands and admire your features for just a moment. This might be the last time he’ll ever get to see you in person, and he’d like to commit every detail of you to memory from the reflection of the light in your eye to the smell of your perfume.
“If he ever gives you any trouble, you know where to find us,” he instructs you firmly before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head and releasing you from his hold. Smiling faintly, you return the gesture by chastely pressing your lips to his cheek before rushing off after your husband.
Who would have guessed that in every timeline, in every possible version of himself to exist, Five’s love for you knows no bounds.
#request#the umbrella academy#five hargreeves#number five#five#five hargreeves x reader#five hargreeves imagine#number five x reader#number five imagine#five x reader#five imagine#tua#tua x reader#tua imagine
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