#or therapy I guess but I mean I will have a mental break I fear ashdjsjs I do love my family but!!

[sanchoyo]

looking for a 2nd part time job because my current one, while really nice in a lot of aspects, swings wildly between giving me like 35 hr weeks and 10 hour weeks and that is so unsustainable bc I never know how much I’ll make on my next paycheck and that’s kinda scary… if I could find another really flexible remote job I could just swap between them when one is slow! Ideally. But finding a job like that that I’m qualified for is painful…I forgor job hunting Sucks Forever……

[haveateadude]

i should put it all behind me, shouldn't i?

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ where ellie and dina have been letting the past linger for too long

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ ptsd—it's not mentioned but it's definitely there. a little bit of angst and the rest is fluff, though. this is sweet with sad undertones i would say

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ sorry for not being active, i really wanted to post stuff but i had school (i'm finally on break!!) and my mental health got so bad i stopped enjoying literally everything lmao. but dw i'm going back to therapy and luckily i'm alright now and i have huge urges to write so. also the coffee i had is giving me so much anxiety🙄like fucking bitch can i enjoy one cup of coffee in peace?? damn, let a girl live. also i'm shaking ass to guess rn, literally best collab fucking EVER, the mv got me giggling and blushing and shit

Ellie is trying, Dina can see. She's trying to get better—better at whatever they have, whatever this is. Still, she's trying to become a better person, blend into the lives they now have, leave the past behind.

Dina can see it in the little things, in the little actions: when Ellie gets up to cradle JJ when he's crying, waking up earlier than she should to cook breakfast, water the plants, and helping Dina clean. It's subtle, but it's there. The effort. It's somewhere.

But you know what's also somewhere? Ellie leaving her. Ellie leaving for revenge. Ellie leaving. Ellie leaving. Ellie leaving. It creeps through the cracked floors and broken mirrors like the sun coming from a window. 

Dina trusts—maybe more than she should—Ellie. A lot. And it fucking scares her. Ellie is so predictable yet unreadable in a way that makes her bones itch. She knows it's not Ellie's fault. Because it isn't. Grief leads to places some of us can't reach, it plagues your mind like poison ivy—like an illness you cannot control, it leaves you stranded, wordless, sick to your stomach, knots in your throat; or like a friend, someone you don't know when they're going to leave or know when they're going to come back, if they ever do.

So, Dina, by default, is scared when she doesn't find Ellie anywhere in the house. She tries not to worry but fails at it. Fear fills her body from head to toe.

She left again, is her first thought. She left again, there's nothing I can do. Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?

Finally, she sees her. She sees Ellie, sitting at the outside stairs, playing the guitar—or trying to, at least. The sky is still dark, and the stars shine brighter than ever. Dina takes a second to calm down and breathe. When she feels ready and her beating heart has come back to normal, she opens the door.

"Ellie?" She asks, with her hand still on the doorknob.

Ellie turns around, and then breathes out, "Dina."

She puts the guitar aside like she's embarrassed. Her cheeks are flushed under the moonlight, Dina can see.

"You okay?" Dina asks as she sits next to Ellie. 

Ellie nods, crossing her arms and looking ahead, eyes staring into nothing. Dina's heart aches at the sight.

They sit in silence for a while. The sky is beautiful. Dina used to dread it because that was the way it looked when Ellie left—the moon looked lovely, and the constellations had seemed to wake up all of a sudden and they were all over the night sky. The wind was nice, also. That night she sat outside, hoping for Ellie to come back, and cried when she realized that Ellie wasn't coming back until she was gasping for air—until she ran out of tears. She then prayed for Ellie's safety and went to wake up JJ.

"It's never going to end, isn't it?" Ellie suddenly speaks. She isn't crossing her arms anymore, more so hugging herself. Dina frowns. "The fear you have… about me leaving, I mean."

Dina sighs because she thinks that might be true. 

"Well," she starts saying, "if it makes you feel better, I have a lot of fears."

Ellie nods, holding a guilty look as she looks at Dina, "Right."

"I do get…" She stops herself, trying to put into words what she's feeling in the best way—in a way that wouldn't sound mean. "I do get why you left, I just think it wasn't fair for me. We had a baby, for fuck's sake. And you were going to leave without saying anything!"

"I know," Ellie acknowledges it easily, like she has thought about it a lot. Her voice shakes.

"God, I'm not even mad at you," Dina lets the tears fall and lets the sadness and anger and all of the emotions she hasn't been allowing herself to feel sit with her. "I'm fucking pissed. And I love you, and it's fucking me up, Ellie."

Ellie looks down, fidgeting with her index finger. She sighs, looking guilty, and for a moment Dina enjoys it. She enjoys the fact that Ellie regrets leaving because a part of her was scared that Ellie didn't feel anything about abandoning her with a kid.

Ellie opens her mouth to say something, then closes it instantly. After shaking her head she decides to speak again. Her voice is less soft than it was in the whole conversation. "I'm so fucking sorry, Dina. I just—I had to do it. I wasn't gonna be capable of living with myself if I pretended that revenge wasn't all I thought about... I didn't kill Abby, by the way."

Dina sucks in a breath as she hears Ellie, even though she isn't in much shock. Alright, well, that's new. Ellie never talked about Abby ever since she had come back. Dina just guessed she was dead.

"Why?"

"It wasn't gonna change anything, was it?" Ellie answers, shrugging. 

Dina moves closer to Ellie, quietly wrapping her arms around her, and sniffling. Ellie hugs Dina back and takes a deep breath, as if she hadn't been letting herself breathe properly this past few weeks—her shoulders slump, the weight finally off her back.

"Promise me you'll never leave like that again?"

"I think leaving made me realize how much I love you," Ellie says, staring into Dina's eyes and pulling away gently, wiping Dina's tears with the pads of her thumbs. "I promise."

Ellie's forehead rests against Dina's and Dina's mind wanders to the day she left, but this feels so much different. This doesn't feel like Ellie's gonna leave and that everything is going fucking wrong; this feels like love, like real love—the type of love that you can feel and see and touch, the type of love that feels too real to be true, the type of love that makes you wanna rip out the skin on your chest and show the word that you've got a heart underneath and that that heart is capable of loving someone.

This feels like things can be okay again.

[incandescentflower]

I want Wandee Goodday to be about mental health.

I've been thinking about Dee mentioning Yak's nightmares and possibly seeking help. I'm not really into Dee trying to force him with an agreement. That kind of stuff doesn't work - mental health treatment is something people choose for themselves. But lots of people take convincing. And we've already seen Dee use leverage to get Yak to take care of himself, so not so surprising that's how they brought it up.

But the conversation finally started to broach what has been missing for me - the story of their mutual losses at young ages and how that can very much impact their fundamental remaining relationships. That kind of loss can be so transformative in how a person relates in significant relationships. It can impact attachment to others, create a pathological fear of loss, increase the level of guilt people carry in their life and even impact their developmental mind set - many people get kind of stuck at certain developmental milestones if they experience trauma at young ages.

(I am saying this as someone who has been trained in cognitive-behavioral trauma therapy as a therapist, but it was quite a while ago and I'm by no means an expert. This is just generalizing. And it definitely doesn't happen to everyone. It just feels like the show might want us to think it is happening for both Dee and Yak.)

The show seems to use these facts about them as short hand for some of their behaviors and choices without doing the work to make it clear and I wish they would delve into them more. I'm worried they are not doing so for drama sake later, but that remains to be seen. It also could be that they are punching above their weight when it comes to their understanding of these issues (yes, pun intended).

This is the first time they are implying that Yak's trauma about his mother's death actually bleeds into other aspects of his life. But that connection is not clearly made. I would have found it interesting if they spent the time to draw a vivid line between Yak's loss of his mother and his fear of loss of Wandee. (as an aside, I would say that would also have helped if they solidified Yak's feelings for Dee earlier so we truly understand the intensity of them. the lack of Yak pov makes it hard to know if his feelings are strong enough to instigate this reaction)

It's also hard to draw this conclusion because Yak is the one who is more willing to react by throwing it away - his fear response seems to be to run. It looks like a "time to get out before I care too much" action with him not acknowledging he already has those feelings. And so then after he breaks it off he feels this intensity of the loss in the form of his jealous feelings about Ter - who is taking Dee away.

He seems to carry a lot of guilt about *something* having to do with his mom's death and equates disappointing Dee with disappointing his mother. But without those details, it leaves us to guess. It isn't clear that Yak is melting down here not just from losing Dee, but over triggering those feelings of loss over his mom again, and possibly the expectation that he will lose everyone.

But that would be the most compelling reason to me.

I think the same actually goes for Dee and his reactions to relationships. We've seen Dee have two trauma flashbacks without any explanation, but it's safe to assume he has his own baggage to deal with. Still, the show is unclear how much it impacts Dee's behavior. Since he has Plakao, a psychiatrist, as his friend it implies that if Dee was truly deeply struggling emotionally, we'd see Kao telling him ad nauseum to go to therapy, not telling him to just take the leap and confess to Yak.

Without Kao saying "Dee, this is more than just indecision"- it seems like the show is saying it isn't a behavior that needs professional help. But if you take it out of the way it is often played for humor, it sure seems like it to me.

If I had a friend who seemed to be struggling so hard with having feelings for someone and had so much fear of those feelings that it was making them a little miserable, and on top of that seemed to not be able to set firm boundaries with someone who had hurt them immensely, so much so that not letting go of that person was more important than how the other person treated them, you bet I'd think they should be talking to someone.

Kao is being played as the voice of reason, but he is very static right now. He's just kinda being the audience stand-in to say GAAAHHH stoppppp. But if I'd had the same conversation with a friend this many times, I'd start to ask - hey, why are you always doing this? why are you always making things complicated?? how is that serving you when you say it isn't?? That is the crux of therapy. Figuring that shit out. It feels like the show wants the character motivation without having to delve into it too seriously.

When Dee says to Yak maybe you should get some help - perhaps he should be putting on the oxygen mask first before he attempts to help anyone else.

And honestly, their mutual trauma being the reason they are having such a fucking hard time working this out would be so, so interesting to me.

I'm just not certain that is what the show wants us to think.

[the-crazy-echidna-lady]

Disability Pride Month - Narcissism

(red sentences are my particular thoughts/reactions to situations and not verified studies. Yeah, I guess I'ma be frank and let you see I'ma little fucking bitch. Enough with my mask.) Reminder that narcissism isn't a personality trait and that it's a disorder. A true narcissist cannot help it. It doesn't make our behavior okay, but just like a schizophrenic person can't help their delusional behavior, a narcissist can't help that we have an elevated sense of self worth. It's incredibly rude and hurtful to use the word as a quirky personality trait. Use our term correctly. Narcissistic people often seem extremely confident, but in reality we're highly unsure of ourselves and have extremely low self worth and break at the smallest nitpicks. We have a tendency to cling to people in a show off way, but mainly because we like these people and we want to impress them. Because we're trying to be "better" but also because we're so desperate to be good enough for them, that it comes across as being better than thou type of situation. Someone can say something like "I had ___ experience" and we try to one up it. Not just because we want to be better, but because we don't want you to lose interest. It's a fear factor of losing someone we care about because "we're not good enough/interesting enough." because they had a slightly more interesting situation. That leads onto the fear of rejection. If someone dislikes us, unlike most people being able to "oh well, they weren't worth my time anyways" and shrug it off, it becomes an end of the world situation for a narcissistic individual. Why wasn't I good enough? What haven't I done? Why am I not good enough? Just because narcissists are full of themselves and have elevated self worth, that doesn't mean they don't have guilt and shame for things. In fact, for me, guilt and shame takes up a LOT of my mental space and makes me feel the need to be BETTER than others to compensate for it. I find myself going "shit why'd I brag about that in that moment?" And I over react, and the cycle continues. We have a really hard time being vulnerable. We don't like to share our little secrets. We don't want to seem weak or imperfect, and what other way to do that than to say "Oh yeah I was just crying the other day because blah blah blah" no why would we say we were crying? Can't let you know we're crying, that lets you know that we finally broke down over something, and that gives you a chance to break us down more. It's our job to make you feel like you can break down into our arms and why we're your "only safe space" because we're a greedy bastard and we'll be jealous and honestly really hurt for some reason if you have any others. One thing I feel I don't have space to talk about along side other narcissists is emotions since despite being diagnosed with narcissism, I'm highly empathetic towards others and will literally sob over things people tell me even if I don't know what to do, so I'll speak from an entirely research based response here. (Though, my psychologist does say that empathetic narcissists are a thing, and that's what he diagnosed me as, so lol) Anyways, many narcissists have a hard time keeping up relationships because they lack empathy. I'd say that's the only reason I HAVE any decent relationships with anybody, because really, I'm a fucking bitch. I mean, I'd defend you or something, but the first thought through my head would also be "what about me though" Sorry about the long rant, but yeah. Stop misusing the word narcissist/narcissism. We may not be right, but we can't help it either. Best we can do is go the therapy. (also, I'm sure there's plenty of typos, if so I apologize.)

[melanatedkink]

Just a Little Reminder

Pairing: Ran x Y/N

Synopsis: Oh the sex is great with your boyfriend, even if he does play it safe just to keep from getting vulnerable with you. Though, tonight, you're not having it. I mean, guys deserve to be told that they're good boys, right? Tonight, you make him believe that sentiment.

Warnings: dom y/n, affirmations, mentions of good boy, I, again avoid gender defining genetalia and pronouns for y/n(let me know if I slip up), Ran says tits but it's gender neutral(everyone has tits), teasing an orgasm, Ran getting therapy in the middle fof sex

It had been another rough day for Ran. You could tell in the way his dry humour had become accented with a little chuckle that seemed to sour his face moreso than save it. It was typical for Ran to have days where things just did not seem to go very well at work. Sometimes rivals get too big for their britches and break contracts with him and his gang. Depending on how the betrayal goes down, you could get a smug bastard with a myriad of gruesome facts spilling out his lips like it was the weather. Or you could get what you currently had, a stiff and distracted Ran who could only manage absentmindedly caressing you, in place of his usual social self.

An hour after dinner, you finally found this personality change more than slightly confusing. No, you were effectively suffocating in the tension in the air. You broke the silence, gently leading his gaze to yours with a soft finger against his jaw.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

Again, the strained smirk popped up, souring your mood further.

"Nothin' baby. Whatever it is, it's gonna handled sooner or later,"

You tilted your head, trying a different approach," I'm feeling lonely. What can I do to get your attention on me?"

That seemed to do the trick. The light in Ran's eyes was almost criminal. Rarely did you ever have to ask for his attention, his gaze zeroing in on every movement you made as soon as you entered the room.

"Feeling lonely? I'm right here, babe," he whined, as he maneuvered you onto his lap," Don't worry, I'll fix it for you,"

You'd hoped he'd catch the hint with how distant he seemed all night. Luckily, the promise of sex could effectively break this man out of any mental turmoil he may have been going through. Once he'd carried you to the bedroom, he was all over you. Tender hands caressed and massaged their way down your body. His lavender gaze seared themselves into your memory, while he nibbled your thighs making you wish he'd just enter already.

"Looks like you're expecting somethin'."

You hummed, sitting up on the edge of the bed were he had layed you out. Ran straightened, allowing you to catch the tension in his shoulders and jaw. You hadn't seen him this nervous since you first did it as a couple. The only other time he'd gotten vulnerable during sex. He made a promise afterward, promising to keep you in the innerworkings of his brain as long as you were there to listen. You guessed he just needed a refresher course tonight.

You leaned forward, allowing your chest to captivate him while you steathily curled your fingers into his belt loop and wrenched him into your spread legs. Before Ran could get his bearings, you'd wrapped your legs around his waist.

"I think you're holding out on me, Ran,"

A twinge of fear shifted through his face. He absoutely loathed his name coming out of your mouth. You only did that if he made a big mistake. That tied with the current situation could only make for a special punishment just for him.

He raised his hands in defeat, hoping to get to the problem first and squash it before you went on a guilt trip.

"Alright, I admit that I've been a little distracted today. But, like, do we have to do this now? I mean, I was about to take my frustration out on that pretty little spot down there. You know it's basically therapy for me,"

His smile did a little more to ease your worries, but you were greedy. You wanted every little spot in his mind. And you were entering demon time trying to get it. His fingers walked themselves up your thigh, only to be stopped by your hand taking his and kissing it. You fluttered your lashes as you caressed the skin. He gulped. Here comes the guilt trip.

"When is a good time for you? Earlier on the couch or at dinner? After sex? Tomorrow night when sommething else happens at work? That's not fair, Ran," you whined.

He grunted as he squirmed under your puppy dog eyes. Man, you coud be evil sometimes, working up a love hate relationship with the way you spoke to him. It made him desperately want to give you everything he had.

"How about you listen to me, answer my questions and I'll let it go, hm?" you suggested.

You teased your fingers around his straining erection as he weighed the current options. This could be a trick to open up. But you were honest. Besides, this was a simple task. He'd dealt with worse interrogations before. How hard could this be?

"Alright, baby, I'm all ears,"

You chuckled, the sound acting like the bell beginning round one.

"What's your name?"

His eyebrows knitted," This a trick question?" You inched your hands away from his crotch forcing him to backtrack," Wait, wait. Ran Haitani,"

"Good," you slipped your thumb over his button, swiftly undoing it,"Who's your lover?"

Ran's amusement morphed into awe as you fished his dick from his pants, finding it drooling already.

"You- uh Y/N," he tugged his lip into his teeth,"That good?"

He'd never know how badly he'd just exposed himself. Nevermind you gave a soft "good job" and began masturbating him. Ran blew out a sigh of relief at the feels of your tight hand smearing slick up and down his needy shaft.

He rolled his head back," Oh yeah. That's good,"

You giggled at him slightly going dumb in front of you. His hips chased you ministrations, his breaths becoming ragged.

"Am I getting you off, love?" you teased.

His initial answer tapered off into a moan," Oh what kinda question is that? Of course you are,"

As Ran inched closer and closer to orgasm, more hushed curses mingled with his wet cock. You teased him with a moan of your own. Once again, you captured his eyes. You spread your thighs, exposing yourself and loosing a slutty moan just for him. His eyes nearly crossed at the mounting stimulation. It was getting to him. Your pretty voice. Your pretty hands. The way you encouraged his good behavior. Good God, you were a vice and he could only ever want more.

"Are you a good boy?"

His hips stuttered, as if your question hit a speed bump in his brain. He opted to just ignore it in favor of biting his lip. You shook your head. Oh no. No way he was trying to get an out in the middle of an out. You slowed your tempo, earning a frustrated growl from you man.

"Fuck wait! I'm sorry I'll fucking answer. Just say it one more time," he stammered.

That was new. You never thought you'd ever hear him beg so easily.

"Oh honey, all you had to do was answer," you said, slowing and loosening your hand around his shaft.

Another irritated sigh. That godforasken tone of yours was back with a vengence, making him twitch in your limp grip. "Fuck, baby. I-I'll answer it. Please, one more time."

"How bout this," you squeezed, testing his attention,"Where do you want to cum?"

His pupils dilated at the prospect.

"Oh fuck. Your tits. Shit I wanna mess em up so bad," he was practically vibrating in your grasp. A new wave on excitement crackled in the air, almost making you give in. Almost.

"I don't think you deserve it," you stated flatly.

"Wha- wait! I answered!" he squealed," You can't just leave me hanging!"

You dragged his hand from his hanging dick just to twist and play with your nipples. He swallowed a whimper. He was beginning to wonder what he did just to avoid this torture ever taking place in the future. Hell, he'd beg forgiveness now if you just let him cum.

"I said you answer my questions, you get out of telling me what's bothering you at work, honey," you shrugged," You were doing so well, too, baby,"

His fist balled up at his sides. It would be so easy just to jerk it right now, but seeing you on the brink of dispappointmnet already, he didn't want to see what you would turn into if he tested your kindness any longer.

"Alright baby, alright. How can I... I'm at your mercy; how do I fix it?" he pleaded.

You scanned his frame. His eyes shone with unabashed hope. You sighed, relenting.

"Be honest: do you think you deserve to cum on my tits?"

His brain short circuited. Ran slipped out his sex-crazed stupor to throw an incredulous look your way. You smirked as he silently went through all the possible answers. There was no need to over think this, right? Just be honest.

"I think I do,"

You slowly replaced your hand, making his dick twitch immediately from the pressure.

"Why?"

He swallowed hard. Why? Hell, he barely thought he desserved you just from the amount of danger he risked you getting in by selfishly keeping you in his life. Here he was twitching and squirming, just aching for release, and completely stumped at your question.

"Oh Ran," he flinched," You're a good boy. Do you believe that?"

"N-not really," he admitted.

That earned your pace doubled on his cock. The pressure nearly made him double over from how fast he chased your hand.

"Too bad, only good boys cum where they want,"

He whimpered. He couldn't tell if this was humiliating or tantalizing. One thing was for sure, though, if you stopped again, he was gonna have one.

"Fuck. I'm a good boy. I- oh God- I'm a good boy. Believe me I am. I do my best just for you. Just mm keep going,"

Over and over Ran repeated his "I'm a good boy mantra" slipping up as he began to shake. Something was holding him back, and this time, it wasn't work. It was you. Specifically your lack of permission. So, you leaned forward, pressing yourself into his leaking erection. Just before his eyes crossed, you teased him with one more question.

"Would like to be a good boy, now?"

His confirmation metled into a myriad of unintelligent fragments and curses as he released all over your chest. You got the brunt of how pent up he was as his orgasm seemed to go on longer than usual. He doubled over, trapping you in his arms as he came to. You ran fingers through his purple locks, listening him to him gasp and groan into your shoulder.

A light sniffle broke the silence. You gripped his face, inspecting it closely for any remnants of pain.

"Fuck, didn't know how much I needed the uh confidence boost there," he leaned into your hand," Reminds me of the promise I made ya, when we first got together,"

You smoothed your thumb over his cheekbone, swooning at his muted bashfulness.

"Let's clean up, and we can talk about it, okay?"

A smirk split his face, as Ran crept over your torso until you were forced to lay under him.

"Oh you're not hearing a damn thing, til you answer a few questions of my own, hm?"

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Finwe, Ingwe, Olwe, and Elwe (The -We’s) are all emotionally stunted and have untreated PTSD.

Seriously though, most of their subjects don’t realize it because they were born in valinor/the girdle, while the -we’s were born before the valar discovered the elves.

Let me tell you what indicates that the -we’s are emotionally stunted.

In the girdle/valinor, the elves were safe for the first time in existence. And this safety allowed them to focus on fostering positive and emotionally healthy relationships with one another because they no longer needed to fear death around every corner. For once, whole families could grow together with no chance of a member being killed due to the darkness. The elves even had time to foster skills and explore at their leisure, instead of being solely focused on “survive, survive, survive”.

All in all, this means that those who were born/grew up in valinor/the girdle were the first elves with the chance to grow up emotionally healthy, with proper communication and relationship skills. Because they actually have the time and energy needed to learn these skills.

The -we’s (finwe, ingwe, olwe, and elwe) however, were born and grew up during a time where they were in constant survive mode, fight or flight. Their priority was living to see another day, and they likely were surrounded by constant death/disappearances of their family members/people they cared about. AND while the elves may have spawned in cuvinan fully grown, they still have absolutely no life experience then, nor did they magically know how society and their fellow elves worked.

They essentially had the cognative function of an adult, yet were as dumb as babies, because they didn’t just immediatly know everything. They had to figure everything out. Like cave men, kinda. So yeah, these first elves are absolutely useless when it comes to being emotionally healthy and well developed. It wasn’t until they were safe (in the girdle/valinor) that they really started to develop society as a whole, with kings and queens and governments, etc. Before that, they had a loose-ish leadership going on. Heck, the -we’s only really became the leader bc they were the first to follow the valar.

Now, you’re probably wondering “well what about the other elves that went on the great journey? Are they emotionally stunted to?” Probably to some extent, but the -we’s are by far the worst. And the reason is because they are the kings (I guess Miriel probably also falls in this category).

No one’s going to go up to the leader of a nation and say “hey, you need therapy”. That and the pressure of being perfect leaders means that they never got the chance to really become emotionally healthy and be able to form healthy relationships with their family, because they couldn’t admit that they weren’t perfectly mentally healthy in the first place.

Now, why is it important that finwe, ingwe, olwe, and elwe are emotionally stunted? What affect does it have on the story/silmarillion? Well-

*points at Miriel breaking down and fading*

*points at finwe’s crap handling of his family*

*points at elwe’s crap handling of his family/people* *in all honesty, his refusal to make peace with the noldor might be a result of his pre-valar’s arrival all-or-nothing survival drive* (don’t get me wrong, I still think he was dumb for some acts, but somethings I understand)

*idk a lot about olwe or ingwe, but olwe’s fear of returning to the pre-great journey days would explain his refusal to allow feanor the boats*

So I guess what I’m saying is that finwe, ingwe, olwe, and elwe (and Miriel) are emotionally stunted and have untreated ptsd from the days before the valar arrived, and no one’s forcing them to go to therapy bc 1. They’re kings and 2. Most elves (especially those born in valinor/the girdle) probably don’t even realize they have it, and it resulted in a lot of problems.

Side note: this either means that the silvans/avari/cirdan’s people are either the most emotionally healthy as a whole OR the most emotionally stunted. For the sake of my feral silvan au, I’m going with stunted, yet acutely aware of other elves’ emotional needs.

[thegreenhordes]

Survivor Diaries - Princess's Orders

Princess Twilight has pushed me to seek writing my feelings as a form of therapy. She said that writing to Celestia about her lessons in friendship was therapeutic for her, and she knows that to journal is a valid method in general. I don't really know, I mean, I trust the Princess! I just worry that this won't work for me. And if it doesn't, I don't really have many other options. The only ponies with therapy-related jobs here in the Castle are focusing their efforts on the foals and the severely distressed. As in, on the verge of a mental break distressed. But I guess I should at least try. I've been struggling, lately, with a lot of things. Sleep, focusing on tasks, my moods have been everywhere. Sometimes I hear the roars of those Growlers. Other times I look out a window just to find glowing green eyes staring back at me from a distance. We're packed in like a can of pickled pears, with little contact with the outside, and as far as we know most of Equestria is entrenched in this aggressive infection. The Princesses are all still alive, but the morale that knowledge gives has been waning over these few months. We aren't even half a year into this apocalypse and already the world has crumbled. So few safe havens, and the Princesses struggle to understand or combat this danger. If Twilight could stop Discord's chaotic reign when she was still just a Unicorn- But her and the other Alicorns combined can't stop this madness? Well, I've heard whispers that we're all doomed, and the royals are just delaying the inevitable. I admit to being scared, frustrated, and just generally upset. I want to go home, for things to be normal again, for familiar faces to not be deformed and made monstrous. I want to enjoy the day and not fear that which goes bump in the night. I want peace. I do feel a little better writing this down. It almost feels... I wouldn't say cathartic. But, like getting a little bit of what ails me lifted from my shoulders. I think I'll keep doing this. And thank the Princess for suggesting it. I know she means well, they all do, and I can't really be truly angry at her for not having a solution- we all see the tired look in her eyes, the sorrow at every bit of news she receives from the other princesses. Frustration and fear just builds up and clouds my judgement so easily. Maybe writing my feelings really will help?

[novafire-is-thinking]

bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

ghost: Who or what haunts your OC? What happened? How do they live with their ghosts?

torture: Has your OC ever been tortured? Would your OC ever torture someone else

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

Since you didn’t specify which OCs these are for, I get to choose >:)

bound - Strake

Strake has found himself in several situations where he’s made narrow escapes. A few of those times involved imprisonment, yes.

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed both MacGyver (1985) and The Pretender series, and I’ve been awed by a few real-life stories of seemingly superhuman individuals who navigated some of the weirdest situations and pulled off some remarkable feats of escape and evasion.

Being partially inspired by these individuals, Strake has had his fair share of adventures. He may have Getaway-level jail breaking skills, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t come away unscathed every time. He’s like that stereotype of the grandpa with crazy war stories, except he’s not that old…yet. lol

break - Talyx

It’s very difficult to break Talyx. She’s had millions of years to forge cognitive and emotional tools that give her a mental fortitude only a highly-skilled mnemosurgeon would have. She’s also very private and doesn’t usually allow others to see her at her lowest moments. To her, it’s unnecessary and illogical to bring others into her issues when she’s capable of fixing things herself most of the time.

However, Talyx is keenly aware of how quickly her complex “toolbox” can be rendered useless if she comes into contact with something she’s not equipped to handle.

If she ever goes over the edge, she will never be the same, and she doesn’t plan on intentionally allowing anyone to see her when it happens, unless she finally finds someone she trusts more than herself.

ghost - Specter Zeta

As a functionally immortal being, Zeta has known loss in a way very few have. He’s haunted by memories of all those he’s loved and lost due to nature being nature. He does struggle with feeling as if it’s unfair that his flame burns forever while the flames of those he deems deserving of more time burn out far quicker.

I often dwell on the Cybertronian-Human lifespan gap and the unique experiences of grief and memory that come with it, but Zeta has his own unique experience as someone who has a say in when his time is up. He’s a bit removed from the whole fear-of-time-running-out thing that normal Cybertronians experience, but it still affects him deeply to see life and death through the eyes of those who don’t have the same freedom he does.

It both fascinates and haunts him.

torture - Zenith

Yes and…yes.

However, Zenith does NOT believe in the infliction of needless violence or cruelty. Her definition of “necessary” cruelty is a story for another day.

I’ve never read or watched V is for Vendetta, but when I was first introduced to the character of V in a Cinema Therapy video, I was intrigued. The philosophy behind his torturing of Evey strikes me as being very similar to Zenith’s way of seeing life.

She did not come into a kind world, and while she doesn’t usually inflict the exact same experiences she lived through, she has some…interesting ways of ensuring that those under her care will be well-equipped to face the brutalities of the world.

wound - The Rival Companion

The Rival Companion spends a lot of time under Zenith’s care. Based on what I said above, I think you can guess how this character’s childhood formative years have gone…

The Companion isn’t as bad off as Evey, but there are wounds—some physical, but mostly emotional. It’s difficult to say which of them is the worst.

For this ask game

[rin-and-jade]

it's pop, once again.

urggggg, one of us blabbed a bit to one of our friends. I had all that under wraps, and they BLABBED GAH!

I do that stuff to protect us, because like I don't want anyone finding out about just anything. the friend was like "go get therapy, that's not good." and like the other one kept blabbing, I had said previously that I was getting some sorta help (it was true, the ai psychologist is actually a good bandaid solution for me. though literally every other moment I'm working towards my goal.) AND THEY BLABBED we weren't and just AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

I tried to explain it away, butttttttt I just got defensive and I think I just made things worse. I know I shouldn't have been mean to the other one (idk she's kinda like L? but Not?? she's doesn't know about us, I doubt she'll remember I talked to her.) and I feel bad, but it's just not it.

I don't know if these people are safe to share that info with, I know they'll be like "we will listen" but like I don't think they are even prepared for half the things I'm gonna say. mostly the whole "oh, yeahhhh. I'm not (insert name) I'm pop. please no I'm not saying my username, that's my actual name. I'm not joking, please just understand." and they'll be confused. I doubt I can just casually drop I might have a trauma disorder, after like knowing one of my friends for like 2 years and the other a good 4 months.

but the other one has already dropped enough info for them to suspect literally anything now, and I'm just scared if they try to reach out to my parents or my siblings or something. because I cannot handle that, I just can't.

idkkkkkkkkkk, I might just come clean and see what happens?? they'll be confused and I can't grantee to myself or just the rest of us that it's going to be okay, but the bandaid is half ripped off so maybe it's time for me to pull it all the way??

idkkkkkkkkkkkk, why must these things HAPPEN. I try so hard to keep us all safe and under the radar, but I just guess that's not something that will happen. GAH, I don't blame the other one. it's not her fault she's just confused and scared, and I'm not being helpful really. it's just so far it's been okay, but I just can't if they take it badly.

idk.

tldr what do I do, I'm pretty sure one of my friends is tipped off to the fact we are a system??? aaaaaa.

yours pop

Ok to summarize the things that happened is one of your parts blabbered enough things to make your friends suspicious and you're not quite sure if it is safe to tell or not. Correct? If so, we gotta break to two options here.. 'come out' or 'cover it up' ;

How to decide:

I don't suggest telling about your plurality without thinking as to avoid telling to the wrong one which could be potentially worse,, and because sudden topics will confuses people even more. So, if you think the friend has affinity for you and is not the type to play down or challenge or negatively questions/make remarks, but listen and try to understand,, you can come clean. If it isn't good with understanding struggles, no attempt in supporting, or just in general not a safe type when it comes to more sensitive things (i bet you tried a topic on that at least but i may be wrong) then.. just cover it up.

Coming out:

First rule.. Take. It. Slow. You. might want to plan what things you want to say, how, and when. i suggest you doing by this format i made and used for my irl friends,,

Prepping a script (mentally or physically) on what you want to say so when anxiety or fear comes up, your mind will not shut down as because some guidance have been provided for that case. This prevents the part where people are likely to drop it fast.

Gathering a few links (and you have to read thoroughly first) and keep that as a little homework for them to read. If links are overwhelming for them then revise in a paragraph or two in your own words.

Pick a time where both of you are currently calm and not busy/occupied. Make sure to hint the person about wanting to talk bout something important so they know and take it more serious than usual.

Tell everything, slowly, with clarity and avoid being vague. Tell how the certain thing got blurted out and what it actually meant, tell why you were scared of hiding it and what ugly expectations you had, tell how the disorder forms and works and give the links, tell properly how they can help/support you,, tell anything you want. And wait for results.

Covering up:

Search the likeliest accepted disorder that has similar things that was blurted out, or probably tell it was said when you're sleepy or anything else that has to do with tampering focus but i doubt that one works when enough info has been outted so hmm.

Thats all i have sadly, and, imo,, i never saw any of my friends tell how suspicious we were to our parents for like, most of the semester in school (just graduated) because i doubt they want to be involved or have enough commitment to actually tell. Unless its relatives like aunts, it could. Sorry for not responding as fast as i can, I hope this is not too late and its still redeemable.

- j

[notyourparentstherapist]

First Entry

Honestly,

I have not posted on here for many years, I was an avid Tumblr consumer since being in high school. I am now in my 30's working as a licensed mental health counselor. This will be a place for me to maybe get my shit together. I found blogging helpful in the past and my life got away from me.

I am hoping this will be a positive experience for me to process post therapy content and lived experience for someone with complex mental health needs who is also a provider. Which means I need to start by acknowledging my privilege and a white, mostly cisgender, well educated human. I have access to a network that a lot of people do not have. Yet live in fear of for the day for me to finally need a higher level of care and for me to be sitting across from another client or being treated by a colleague. There are always pro's and con's to things I guess.

For now this will be an experiment for me to document my life, as journaling has been hard and difficult and I will explain further at some point.

I will do my best to always tag my content and CW/TW anything specific. I will also not be going into graphic details about anything. I will also only be talking about me and people in my life that are not my clients. I will not be breaking HIPPA or disclosing anything about them. Their privacy is important not to just them but to me as well. As I would hope no other provider discusses my shit online. Only I want to be talking about my stuff online.

All you need to know right now is I have my masters degree in holistic mental health counseling. I am a huge nerd for psychological theories especially feminist and existential content. I also love other nerd shit like video games and board games. I also struggle with complex PTSD and ongoing dissociative symptoms. It has never been made super clear to me if I fall in the OSDD or DID category. While I wish to all the gods that my therapist would just tell me his thoughts on the matter I professionally understand why he has stayed away from pathologizing my experiences under a diagnostic code. I get it. I truly do. However, that does not mean I am mad about it. I will also not be disclosing my therapists name. I will simply be referring to him as My/Our therapist, the therapist, or simply N.

I will be sharing post therapy thoughts, possibly things I have written or made for art. I write, or one of us, writes a lot of poetry so that may make it on here if they feel like sharing. I suspect for the most part this will be a place for therapist me to process stuff.

That's it for now I think.

PS I swear like a sailor. Sorry.

[j-edwards]

Dad,

You don't deserve to be called that, but what else do I call you? Ross? Father? Sperm donor? I guess dad will have to do for now, just know that I don't hold the same meaning to dad as the general population does. How could I?

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this to you. Life update? Tell you how I feel? Call you out for being a shit dad? Fuck, I don't know.

I want you to hear from me, I got married. I have officially changed my last name, and in the eyes of the government, social media, and in my personal life, we no longer share a last name. I've been waiting 20 years to change my name and to have a last name to be proud of. No, you were not invited. We had a small ceremony of family and friends, and everyone who was there had a personal relationship to the both of us. You did not have that with either of us. You gave almost zero effort to get to know me, spend time with me, and love me as I am my whole life and you gave less effort into getting to know the man that I would eventually marry. You did not deserve an invitation, and I have no regrets about that.

I'm almost 30, I'm more than halfway through my last year in my 20s, and I've learned a lot. I learned about my undiagnosed mental disorders and how to cope with them. I've learned about my toxic and unhealthy habits and traits in relationships and how to shift my mindset to be more productive. I've started to heal, I started therapy, and I'm actively fixing what you broke, what you failed to even put together. I've put in an incredible amount of work, more work than if you just did your damn job right. But no, you couldn't break the cycle. You couldn't put your ego aside and admit you needed help to move past your trauma. Instead, you willingly gave me yours, and now I'm forced to deal with something that shouldn't be my responsibility. You have 5 kids, and you failed all of us, every single one. I have zero relationship with any of them, and with other facors aside, I blame you the most for that. I don't believe you're capable of love, to give or receive. I believe you are far too emotionally detached to even comprehend what unconditional love is.

More than 15 years ago, I told you I felt indifferent toward you, and that is still the same. I don't believe I love you, I think you took that away every time you failed to show up for me.

More than anything, though, I pity you. I feel sorry for you, I see through your tough guy act, I see past the cold, and I see a scared, sad, hurt little boy who was severely abused. Your abuse and your past was not your fault. Going to residential school was not your fault. Having your mom die while away at residential school was not your fault. What was your fault, was passing down your demons to innocent children who just wanted to be loved by their dad.

I think this letter is my final piece to you. I've spent far too many years contemplating this, but I believe open-ended communication is no longer beneficial to me. I don't believe you deserve a window into my life anymore. I don't believe you deserve to have a means to contact me. Not that it really changes all that much. You haven't reached out in years. I mean, you asked me what my birthday was a couple of years ago, but I don't believe that counts. It's a sad day when a child has to parent the parent, but it's even sadder when a little girl is just begging for her dad to show up. You are the reason I don't want kids. I fear turning into you, I fear my trauma would be passed on, and I don't believe that's fair. I could not live with myself if I had a child, and they felt how I felt because of me. I had to teach myself how to be loved and cared for by a man. A job that was supposed to fall on you, and instead I, again held that responsibility. I experienced trauma because I was never taught to be loved, not in healthy ways.

I hope for the sake of your younger children, you seek help one day. Ren��e and I are on our own now, were adults, but the younger 3 still have a chance of having a healthy relationship with you. You just need to heal yourself first.

Jess

[cloudsoffire]

kept for context

so i’ve been batting around a couple ways to do this. at first i just wasn’t gonna say anything. just go dark. then i thought, well, i guess if anyone cared they should be able to know what happened, right? so i decided to go a step further and post a song that i thought sounded dejected and how i was feeling and stuff. but then again, too vague. at the very best it would be confusing. so i drafted up a note that i planned to schedule for an hour after the song. but that note really just didn’t work for me. it felt too… “oh, and by the way-” for me. then i made a not-so-amazing song of my own, and even drew art for it. and while sure, it works to let youtube know i won’t be uploading anymore, it would once again mean nothing to tumblr. it just wouldn't work for the platform.

so, if it wasn’t obvious, i’m horrible at saying anything directly. in conversation, in writing, even in therapy.

you may have noticed that as of late my blog has been absolutely dominated by negative self-talk and less-than-positive posts. i apologize for that. but maybe because of that, this will come as less of a shock to you.

my original message stated the following:

i want to be as unspecific as possible, but the long and short of it is that i do not plan on returning to tumblr. or any social media, for that matter. i will cease production of both art and music, and all current projects, from the sonic obscurity opposition to my youtube channel, are now forfeit. this is very much the end of my presence.

what i meant to say was this.

on wednesday, june 28th, 2023, at around 10 pm pst (or right after this post), i will be taking my own life.

it’s something i’ve put a lot of thought into, something i’ve been planning ever since i first said i would be taking a break on that date. it’s not something new, either. i have attempted at least 3 times that i remember, and i have stayed at a “mental wellness center” in the past. two of those times i was simply overcome with fear, and the remaining time my mom caught me. but i’m older now. the only thing i fear is going back to the hospital, and i have taken steps to ensure that my family doesn’t find out until it’s done.

i would like to give my sincere gratitude to anyone who put up with me over the years. i know just how draining i can be, and i understand that i’m not a good person.

this is my goodbye. i hope you live your life better than i did mine.

- skyla

[lost-in-prose]

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

Okay, my loves. If you’ve been reading my posts in this universe of The Truth of Childhood Trauma, you know that this one is going to be a long haul. Like the previous posts, if you see stars (☆☆☆☆) that means there is a break in information, and you can take a little break. 

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING- READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION⚠️

!!This should in no way be used as a diagnosis tool!!

Where it all begins: 

Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, are a collection of traumatic events that happen within someone’s life before they turn 18. These could include:

experiencing at least one of the following: physical neglect, emotional neglect, emotional/physical abuse, or sexual abuse 

having a parent who abused substances

watching your parents go through divorce 

having a parent with mental illness 

having a parent who was incarcerated

experiencing homelessness, domestic violence, familial death, neighborhood violence, economic hardship, or unfair treatment based on race or ethnicity 

These could also add onto Adverse Community Environments, increasing the effect that ACEs could have on the brain. These Adverse Community Environments include, but aren't limited to:

Poverty, poor quality housing, and affordability

Lack of opportunity & economic mobility

Discrimination

Community disruption

Violence

☆☆☆☆

Consequences of ACEs:

Some of these are ones a personally expetienced while others are ones I have read about/researched

These traumatic events occur during the developmental years of someone's life, leading to interference with the person's health, opportunities for growth, and stability throughout their life. These affects could impact future generations if not dealt with properly (AKA generational trauma). Also, those who experience abuse in their childhood are more likely to commit violence in their adulthood ( abusing and/or neglecting their own children).

Negative effects:

Greater risk of developing chronic disease and behavioral changes, including obesity, autoimmune disease, depression, alcoholism, respiratory and heart disease, cancer, and suicide

Negative effects with associated TOXIC STRESS:

Toxic stress is prolonged stress that no longer cultivates positive results. Toxic stress is prolonged and can cause detrimental effects on both the body and the brain:

Alters the expression of DNA, leaving lasting effects on the endocrine system, nervous system, and immune system (like anxiety, the cortisol release can limit the effectiveness in which your immune system acts)

Lasting effect on attention, behavior, decision making, and response to stress throughout lifetime

Memory loss

Trouble with relationships (because of instability within the home, you crave what you've always known)

Dissociation

Constant state of fear & anxiety

Thyroid problems

IBS

PCOS (for you AFAB people, sorry :()

Significant problems going asleep and staying asleep (body can't ever be relaxed)

Hyperviligance

Keen ability to read people

Second-guessing yourself

☆☆☆☆

Positive effects???:

Some of these are ones a personally expetienced while others are ones I have read about/researched

Ability to be calm in large moments of crisis

Beacon of calm for people

Very trustworthy (normally)

People confide in you

Ability to overcome adversity (AKA resilience)

☆☆☆☆

Statistics:

How common are people to have an ACE? (Must experience at least 1):

*note: EVERYONE has an ACE score, even if it's 0*

61% of black children

51% of Hispanic children

40% of white children

23% of Asian children

30% of people do not have a single ACE

16% have 4+ ACEs

☆☆☆☆

Healing from ACEs:

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Prolonged exposure therapy (PE)

Art therapy

Behavioral therapy

Cognitive processing therapy (CPT)

Letting your inner child heal (I'm a big softie when it comes to this. I dance in front of my mirror. I binge watch Disney movies. I make funny voices to myself. I cuddle pillows. Whatever it looks like for you, give your inner child the attention it never got)

☆☆☆☆

Resources:

Suicide and crisis lifeline: 988

SAMHSA'S national helpline: 1-800-662-4357

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453

☆☆☆☆

Quizzes

THIS IS NOT A DIAGNOSTIC TEST!! DO NOT TAKE YOUR RESULTS AS A SURE-SIGN THAT YOU HAVE ACES!!

American SPCC

☆☆☆☆

Relationship to CPTSD

Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged trauma that warps a person's sense of self. Often, this trauma happens during a person's formative years- in their adolescence. These Adverse Childhood Experiences are the foundational building blocks for years of trauma responses that a person will be deal with for the rest of their lives.

☆☆☆☆

Works Cited

https://www.ncsl.org/research/health/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces.aspx#:~:text=1%20ACEs%20101.%20What%20Are%20ACEs%3F%20Adverse%20childhood,explore%20two%20critical%20components%20of%20a%20child%E2%80%99s%20development.

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/index.html

https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/aces/index.html

If you have any questions, let me know. I'll be glad to answer them as best as I can :)

Main post can be found here.

[beyondspaceandstars]

While You Sleep

Chapter 18

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: angst Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you’re given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can’t relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier.

A/N: so sorry I’ve been slow with updating Tumblr - my blog was shadowbanned (basically Tumblr hid my blog in searches, notifications, tags, etc.) and it just got fixed so I’m working to update here!

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

“You’re back,” Dr. G smiled as you plopped down in the seat across from her. 

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes and instead forced a tight smile. “I’m back,” you confirmed with a dramatic nod for emphasis. You didn’t know why you were feeling so hostile. You had shown up here willingly this time. 

Bucky didn’t even know you were seeing your therapist again. But it wasn’t exactly like he was around to find out. He had left for his mission yesterday in the very early morning and you were now on constant edge. You didn’t know what he would encounter. You knew none of it was at your clearance level seeing as you had no government clearance level to begin with but still… You didn’t like that anything that went wrong would come back to you in the depths of your sleep. Even if Bucky had shared everything step-by-step, any mishap was another blow. Even if everything went right, you feared you were bound to see something. 

“Would you like to share anything?” Your therapist asked, disrupting your spiraling thoughts. It was like she knew and, well, maybe she did. You really did kind of suck at hiding your emotions. You could practically feel your face darkening with worry. 

“Bucky and I learned something about us recently,” you said a bit nervously but Dr. G nodded in encouragement. You tried to steady your breathing and continued, “Our soulmate bond has been disrupted. It happened when he was part of Hydra — I mean, not like part of. That makes it sound like he joined willingly which he absolutely did not—,”

Your therapist said your name sharply, cutting off your words. “I know what you meant,” she said.

You nodded briefly, recomposing yourself, and began again, “While under Hydra, he was brainwashed and in that process, they thought they had rid him of his soulmate. But, turns out, all they were doing was tampering with the transmission lines. This means any sort of trauma or… or really emotional occurrences in Bucky’s life gets passed along to me, intercepting any, well, normal dreams. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“Nothing?”

You glanced away. “Well, I’ve asked him to retire to maybe… minimize the damage.”

Dr. G nodded as she scribbled something on her notepad. She let out an interesting hum. “How did Bucky respond to that?”

You fought back the urge to roll your eyes. You weren’t really upset with him, more angered by the situation. “It took him a second to come around to the idea and, sure, eventually he did but then he was given another mission. A mission he couldn’t turn down.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Another feeling of annoyance flashed across you at the cliche therapist speak but you could also recognize the question for its worth. Someone was actually asking you how you felt about the new, and last, mission. Lord knows Bucky hadn’t.

You bit your lip, feeling tears already threatening to run down your cheeks. “It made me feel bad, to put it simply. I just felt horrible and scared. I know that with time it’ll go away and maybe we’ll find some peace but I’m just really hurt it has to be this way.”

More notes were scribbled. “How did Bucky react to hearing that?” Dr. G asked without looking up. You shifted awkwardly in your seat, fiddling with your fingers out of habit. Your therapist glanced up once her writing has finished. Her brows raised as you struggled to find an answer.

“He doesn’t really know.”

Your therapist placed her pen on her notepad and leaned forward in her chair, eyeing you a bit upsettingly. “Do you remember what I told you during your last session?”

Talking. Talking, talking, talking. Just let it out. How could you forget? That’s exactly what you had done and while it made some kind of progress, you were still stuck at this godforsaken dead end for the time being. 

You picked at the chair cushion. “He didn’t ask,” you sighed. “Besides, what good was it going to do? I couldn’t have stopped the mission.”

Dr. G shrugged. “No, I doubt you could’ve, but that’s not the point. The point is you’re hurting and your soulmate needs to know this, especially when it involves him. You can’t beat around the bush or try to sidestep this kind of stuff. Be gentle, yes, but little progress can be made if everything is bottled in.”

“Well, doc, I’m sorry to break it to you, but I’m sure he knows very well how I feel about all of this,” you snapped back. “Think I made myself super clear during our first conversation about retirement.”

“Fine,” she shrugged. “Assume he did. Assume Bucky knew everything that was going through your mind. Did it open any conversation?”

Your shoulders slumped. You looked away. 

Dr. G continued, “My point exactly. Of course, you don’t want to hurt him but you can’t hurt yourself in the process. How many people actually knew about the nightmares to begin with?”

“None,” you mumbled. And it was, sadly, the truth. Your coworker was the first to know. You hadn’t even had the guts to tell your parents. 

“I’m sure I make it sound easier than it really is but there are some benefits to it over time,” your therapist said after a moment. 

You let out a dramatic sigh. “You’re kind of annoying, you know that?”

Your therapist laughed. “You’ve been wanting to bite back for a while, haven’t you?” You didn’t answer. She shrugged. “Already testing out those communication skills I see.”

You let yourself roll your eyes this time.

***

It was nearing midnight when your cell phone rang. You jumped, suddenly disturbed by the ringtone as you laid on your couch watching some sitcom reruns. You frowned in confusion as you stretched to reach your phone on the coffee table. You weren’t expecting any calls.

You turned the screen around and were greeted by one name: Bucky. You just about yelped when it registered he was calling you -- and from his mission, amazingly. You sat up quickly and answered.

“Hi, Buck,” you greeted, hopefully sounding a bit more cheerful than you felt. Your therapy session from the morning still had you a bit shaken. 

“Hey, doll,” Bucky responded, his voice a bit hoarse. He sounded exhausted and...defeated. 

You sink into the couch. “Is everything going okay?” You guessed it wasn’t too weird he was reaching out while away but something was off in his voice. You thought you had already mentally prepared for the worst.

“For the most part,” he mumbled. “I have to tell you, sweetheart, it wasn’t smooth sailing. We… We all had to do some things we aren’t proud of.”

You shut your eyes, trying to reel in your panicked brain before you said something you’d regret. This couldn’t all fall on Bucky, it wasn’t fair. He had a job, one final job, and you were going to have to accept that. 

Regaining your voice, you said, “What… What things, Bucky?”

He fell silent on the other end. All you could hear was some soft breathing and others talking in the background. The rest of the team you could guess. You said his name into the receiver again.

“Just know I didn’t like what I had to do and I can’t wait to put this life behind me.”

If that was all you were getting from him, you’d have to accept it. “Okay,” you said, your voice cracking slightly. “I-I understand.” You didn’t really but you knew after tonight you definitely would.

Bucky took another pause. “You deserve so much better than this.”

“Bucky-,”

“You really do, sweetheart.”

“Bucky, please, listen,” you sighed. “While this isn’t ideal and I was very upset you just jumped on this assignment without speaking to me, I know it won’t be like this forever, right? 

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about the assignment before leaving,” Bucky responded. “I-I knew I couldn’t do anything about it but that’s still not fair to you. You deserve to be heard.”

“It’s okay, honey,” you said, fighting back some tears getting ready to start again. “You’re almost done, you’re almost back home.”

Bucky hummed. “I am,” he confirmed. “And when I get back I’m going to make up for all of this, I promise.”

You let out a weak laugh through the tears. “You can make it up to me by getting home safely.”

Bucky was about to say something else but was then cut off by someone yelling at him in the background. He gave a curt response before turning his attention back to you. “Sorry, doll, but I have to go. We have some debriefing to do.”

“Of course,” you said, waving a hand in the air like he could see you. “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“See you soon, sweetheart,” he said. “Love you.”

The line cut before you had the chance to say the words back. You held your phone out in front of you, staring at your lit homescreen, shocked and overwhelmed. He loved you. And he had said it.

***

You were dreading getting ready to go to sleep but, at the same time, your body was practically begging for it. You were finally getting back into the swing of working and now with therapy sessions on top, you couldn’t believe how exhausting life was. As if you had forgotten at some point. 

But with that craved moment of relaxation, an unnerving threat lurked. 

You practically moved with caution when it came to your nighttime routine now. You washed your face carefully and precisely. You scrubbed every tooth again and again for a good minute. Even combing out your hair seemed to be tedious. 

It was all sad attempts at procrastination and you knew it but what could you do? It wasn’t like you were jumping into bed happily no matter how much your body screamed. 

When there was no more to do in your routine, you had to accept it. You had to finally lay down in your bed, let your head hit the pillow, curl up under the duvet, and welcome whatever kind of sleep was going to greet you. 

Almost immediately, you were hit with everything.

As always, you’re seeing it in glimpses from Bucky’s eyes, from his mind. In this instance, he appears to be located in some kind of warehouse. It almost reminded you of where you had been taken to but abandoned.

At first, Bucky seems pretty calm and collected. He’s assessing his surroundings and mapping out a plan. He says something to the person next to them. You can’t see them and possibly you don’t want to. 

They agree with whatever Bucky has suggested but before their plan can commence, they’re both attacked. Guns blazing, doors busting, a whole goddamn ambush. You’re panicking, you feel Bucky panicking. But it doesn’t last long for him. No, within seconds he’s in destruction mode, stomping towards the pop-up army - you don’t even know what they’re part of - dodging bullets and taking them down one by one. 

Some others are helping out it seems but you’re only allowed to be consumed with Bucky’s take on the situation. Despite how much you don’t want to be, especially when he… You see the glint of his metal arm rush past. They’re dying. Being killed. These soldiers or whatever are dropping left and right around him. You feel Bucky’s pulsing anger. He has no plans of slowing down. You feel the tension in his arm as he strangles another and another and another. At one point, he even throws some across the room.

They’re finished. No more men pour in. The rest of the team has stopped. They’re all looking at Bucky, wide-eyed and nervous. You feel his fury turn to shame. You didn’t know the mission’s expectations but you could guess they didn’t exactly involve this much death. No one says anything as they move on. 

The images fade but the feelings don’t. You suddenly want to cry in your sleep feeling Bucky’s distraught and embarrassment. 

Unable to deal with it anymore, you force yourself awake, everything vanishing as your eyes open. You look around your dark room. The clock beside your bed reads just past three a.m. 

You curl back into your blanket and face the wall. You stare at it for the rest of the night, heart pounding and hands shaking.

[runninguplenorahills]

Ayyeee, I missed you too!!💗💓💕💗💓💕💗

So glad you’re doing good🌷

Ohhh, a friend of mine is taking driving classes rn as well! Most of my other friends already have their driver’s license but only one/two of them actually drive regularly. As for me….. I’m actually terrified of cars and traffic so I won’t be getting my driver’s license ever I think 🥶. The evening classes do sound inconvenient af so I’m wishing you an extra amount of luck for your those and the tests!💕

My sleep schedule is also out of this world in the worst possible way so I feel you sm! It’s always easier to fuck it up more than to even just make it okay again. Uni starts again on Tuesday and my sleep schedule is not prepared but maybe that’ll be my motivation to improve it hahaha. I want to be hopeful and say we’re both gonna fix our sleep schedules🥲💞

Nothing is getting done in this house either if I’m not the one doing it 💀. My mom had a week off work and planned to clean up our little balcony which kinda has been used as storage space for the past five years but she didn’t so we’re gonna do it together tomorrow. Or I guess I will do it.

Sorry but your grandma’s cat sounds like a demon😭. I hate when cats scratch because I actually love cats and I adore patting and playing with them but I’m fucking allergic and there’s only so much I can endure 😀. Burning cuts and breaking out in hives is where I draw the line. I hope you can give her all the cuddles she needs without having to suffer too many injuries 💀. Death by cat is what we want to avoid hahhaha.

OMG! I just applied to a job and I left my phone number and my email address…. so tell me why they insisted on calling me instead of just sending an email?!? I HATE phone calls 🥶. Death by phone call is more likely it seems but I hope you can exposure therapy your way through this! I believe in you!💞💕💗💓

Oh yes, I noticed you were tumblrina-ing less than usual hahah. I would say I’ll update you if anything big happens but as Uni starts again next week I will probably dip again 😗👍.

I’ve been doing pretty great though! My finals went well (except for biology which I didn’t take) and I applied for art school which is incredibly exciting!!!!! Haven’t heard anything from the school yet but I can wait (as of rn but in a month I’ll probably rip out my hair over not having received anything yet haha). I already thought about posting the stuff I drew for my art portfolio on tumblr but idk how smart of a choice that is (I mean, my current banner is one of the works I put into my portfolio so I guess I already kinda crossed that line but I think I’ll wait with the other drawings). I’ll do it after the school has contacted me again :))!

I’m also finally seeing the sun again (give me all the vitamin D please) so my mental health is improving as well🌞. Im also actually so excited for Uni to start again with the lack of biology courses and the insane amount of English courses I’ll be taking and the fact that it’s gonna be good weather again and I’ll be able to meet up with people from Uni at the city’s central park and anywhere really and I hope I’ll make friends eventually 🌷. I already met some cool peeps but I haven’t had the courage to ask anyone to spend time outside of Uni yet :/. Been doing some reflecting on why that is and damn, past friendships really fucked me up big time💀. So I’m planning to be more open and take more initiative with friendships next semester and I’m very excited about that!

Oh and I’ve been reading more again!! Matter of fact, I should probably keep reading “Persuasion” now because I fear I’m headed into a reading slump as a result of being on tumblr again 💀. But it’s also so so nice to be back and interact with people💕💞💓💗💕💞💓💗💕

Hello, how are you doing?🌷💓🌞

omgggg lenora you're backkkk hiiiii 🥰🥰💞💗 i missed seeing you on the dash the past weeks so much 💕💕💕🫂

i'm doing good right now actually! (putting a read more here in hindsight because of the ramble lmaoooo)

i'm doing a course to start taking driving classes. which... happens to be in the evening so that does kind of suck actually. but yk exciting to finally get it out of the way! and i'm also almost done with it by now, there's only this week (including the weekend uhm) and part of next week left and then i'll have a normal schedule again akdfhad

(i usually have an atrocious sleep schedule but somehow being out until almost 10 and having to eat dinner then is fucking it up even more. good to know a bad sleep schedule can always be worse if you try hard enough🙏, maybe that'll finally motivate me to improve it when i'm done with the course crying)

and i'm also crossing some things off the list of chores no one in the family has done in ages since i've accepted they're not happening otherwise. like taking my grandma's cat who didn't see a vet in almost 10 years to one last week and she shockingly didn't try to kill me!! (surprising because she's genuinely insane. there's baby photos of her trying to bite people's arteries open. i love her and she has issues. she's cute too, no matter how many of my relatives think she's butt ugly, it adds to her charm. she does look weird tho i admit that. also really fat, big girl, i had to buy a whole new carrier to even fit her into it 😭) big fat cat who hunts mice for fun, looks weird as hell, loves biting people and is also the most touch starved cuddly cat i know, she contains multitudes

she's fine but i'll have to take her again in a few weeks, i'm convinced she'll return to her killer roots now that she remembers what a transport carrier looks like. but i'll just be optimistic about it until her teeth are in my arm 👍

byproduct of that is also that i'm trying to exposure therapy my way through my crippling fear of making phone calls to officials and doctors and so on. thanks insane cat of my grandma 💗 it's a process but it's definitely getting easier

also side effect from all that is that i haven't really been on tumblr much the past 2 weeks either (i mean i say that, i am actually still on here but i usually just scroll and don't have time to reblog/post when i'm on the go. tumblrina is a chronic condition for me i fear)

but there's also not been that much production news for ST or anything i could have missed out on so good timing :D

this is kind of a ramble of what i've been up to adfkjadfj how are You?💞 it's so nice to have you back on the dashhhh

[art-i-know-yes]

AHH I'M EXCITED LET'S GO

Spoilers Ep.66

The dEscRiption because like a WHAT to WHAAT WITH GLENNNNN

I'm sorry literally one of the only things I've wanted to see is emotionally open Glenn

not the spotify ads

Darryl plays Matt

Hot Take: Darryl hates the environment

That's an oof, Henry

Biiiiig therapy

Horses vs Henry and Cows vs Ron

oooohhhmygahwdbeth

"I know what you said and I ignored it"

WOOOOOOOOO RON THERAPY

Imagine going to therapy

Awww Ron

I was just high key thinking about them listening outside the door

geeEENETIC TIMELINE

"That's depressing"

Those are liike good rollssssss

mmmnnnnn nevermind

Kinda wanna dig up clams

I-I mean why not

I guess that's a good idea to teach them how to drive huh

"No, that's ok"

WHY'D HE SAY IT LIKE THAT

They're too emotional right now

The keyword they didn't use is HOPEFULLY THEIR DADS SHOOT AT IT

Excuse me too young some countries learned by like 8

Hiiiissss voice

Noooo

"11, that's sounds like it's gonna be sad" "Oooo that tracks for you"

Really!! Glenn followimg laws!!

Kids have these neat abilities called vroom vroom speed vehicle where they get self control

YEEEE KIDS GET TO DRIVE

Ehhh come on Darryl you're making this so depressing

Henry shut up please

"Doooope" "Definitely Lark or Sparrow"

I remember seeing someone call Sparrow a furry

I think that is good idea for flexibility because I did not think if that because if I'm honest I only trust TJ to drive we saw what Lark and Sparrow driving was like

Can TJ still like use magic

THE LAUGHTER THAT THAT CAME OUT OF ME I CAN NOT DESCRIBE NEAR TEARS IM TELLING YOU NEAR TEARS

"I'm sure Grant is gonna be fine, but if ya know, Lark dies or something-" "WHAT THE FVCK DARRYL" DARRYL YOU CAN'T USE THEEEEEM AS AN EXAMPLE

But also my second thought was Nick and I made myself lose it

"Ok so Terry dies-" "NOOOOO-" "Ok fine you have two kids. Let's say Sparrow dies-"

THEY COULD JUST BE INJURED WE DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THE WORST SITUATIONS

We should camouflage it again, both of them

Toooo thhhee raaaaaat

A LITTLE CONCERNED

Well I'm already in tears so

Real Nick Jr.? It's just Nick

Don't bring the Lawwrdd into this

Accidentally teaching him to dRIIIVVEEE HE CAN BARELY REACH THE WHEEL LET ALONE THE BRAKE OR GAS

But like literally watch Nick Jr. have to drive and does it perfectly

They are way to into the crab mech

He immediately started yelling-I'm just making noises at this point

Not the escape static I mean USEFUL but like the reverse j-turn is a little later

What did your dad teach you Glenn

This is why they're doing different sections

...I can barely do a regular reverse turn...

"I'M ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE I WAANT TO FATHER"

Straight cut to "A few quick things in no specific order"

This is about what I expected with Willy as his father

Terry Jr. is having an existential crisis

Roooonnn

Understeer????

GlArK

"My son's name is not Glark" "HAVE YOU BEEN CALLING ME GLARK AND I JUST HAVEN'T NOTICED"

Not quoting the handbook

W-was Ron used as a getaway driver

TJ is big brain

"Use morse code" "Ok anyone wanna teach me morse code"

I just imagine Glenn turning around and like the Office "Quite an imagination on this kid"

"I'm in a dark place" respectable. thanks for being honest.

Honestly that's what I was thinking. Actually very close to that tune.

AWWWWWWW

CYCLISTS

I love you so much Sparrow

"*sniffle* you run 'em over son"

I... am so scared to see who's getting this roll

I desperately hope that twins aren't 1 and 2

This is a competition to them. I know it.

A 23!!!

Awwwwwwww poor baby nonononono

AWWWWW RONNN COMFORTING TJ

I'm not sure if you can tell who's my favorite father-son duo (or characters im general)

Noooooo Terrrryyyy (but like honestly SAME)

A VESPA

HE'S NOT THE DRIVER BUT LIKE STILL I KINDA THINK IT'S THE BEST CHOICE

"I know!"

"I purely know maps I'm the advocate"

CALLOUTS

This is the perfect team up

"And then also Sparrow"

"Idk we can tie them to like a stick or something"

Oh yeah the pillars

Doug is better than literally all philosophers

NONONONO

Is...Ron meta?

Not Elizabeth Warden

OH FVCK

That...doesn't sound good cause like...the underground part

mnnnmmnnnmmmnnn bombssss

"There was this show called Chernobyl" PFFT-

Yesss Bomb shelter beer

Ron's a genius

Hesoundsalittlesalty

"Sounds like somebody cares"

It doesn't sound like we'll make it to ep. 69

The humming is so funny to me

Ron *is* meta

I would LOVE to figure out what Glenn is actually thinking about Nick

YA KNOW WHAT THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM

I don't think mentally I'm ready for what is going to come out

I SCREAMED emotionally i am not recovered from loosing Nick hypothetically I am completely very ok it

*Cooooool*

Just the way he said it Hennrrrryyyyy

"Well, that sounds healthy"

He's really switching this conversation at them

We love Ron-Glenn solidarity

ahhhhh Henry rants

TOLERANT, SORT OF AFFECTION AHHHHAHAHHAHAHAHA

"We are Olive Garden"

Sir, that's a ring of self-sacrifice if you're willing

oooooo that hurts

I..dont know what to say. I'm in shock. My body literally has like tingles all over and my heart dropped. Is Erin ok? How'd he get there? How much does he know? I can't feel anything right now so much and many emotions

~20 minites of sitting in silence and shock later~

I WAS THINKING WHY WOULD THE DRAGON BE AFTER HIM CAUSE HE TOLD RADIOLAB WHAT HE WAS DOING AND WHY AHHH HE MADE HIM ROLL TWICE FOR THAT TO FUKIN WEAKEN HIM I KNEW IT WAS FUKING WEIRD THERE WAS NO WAY GOD

THE GASPS THEY KNEW IT THE MINUTE HE SAID IT

WTFWTFWTF IM SHAKING

CAN YOU HEAL THIS?! NO YOU CAN'T WHAT DO WE DO?! THE COUNTING! THE REMOTE REWIND? THE NEW ITEMS? 15SECONDS15SECONDS15SECONDS. WE CAN NOT LOSE GLENN RIGHT NOW CAN WE PAUSE. CAN WE BREAK THE SPELL LIKE THAT? WHAT IF IT DOESNT WORK? HE SOUNDS SO SERIOUS. IM SO SCARED BUT LIKE FUVK. HE'S GOOD BUT LIKE NOT THAT GOOD RIGHT BECAUSE GLENN WAS ALREADY WHAT 3 LEVELS ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE? YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!!!AHHHHHH GLENN! NOOOOOOOO GODDAMIT HE PROBABLY HAS LEGENDARY ACTIONS I FUKIN THOUGHT ABOUT IT! OMGAWWD SLIGHT OF HAND SNEAK ATTACK. AHHHHG MODIFIERS SCARE ME.

I KNEW I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR YES HAHAHAHAHHA FVCK YOU

OH GAWD HENRY HEALED HIM

YOU FVKING SLVT ANTHONY

they were sooooooooo close

I swear to god we better see Glenn again or I'm killing someone

I'm having a late reaction tears are coming once I fully process.

BUT REALLY *RIGHT* AFTER THE HEART TO HEART