j-edwards

[j-edwards]

Dad,

I just have one question for you.

What's it like knowing my father in law, who I've known 6 years now, has been a better, more supportive, and more validating father than you ever were?

I have been shown more love from him in the past 2 years since I've been married than you gave me these last 30 years.

Well done, and fuck off.

[j-edwards]

Fathers Day

I grew up in a loving but odd household. I have two loving parents, my mom and step dad are honestly the greatest people alive. I’m so fortunate to have them in my life. My dad is pretty much non-existent, he has five kids with three different women, and has neglected to raise my older sister and I. He tries with my younger siblings, he cares, he’s involved. As much as I am happy they get his better side, and I like to think he learned from his mistakes (my older sister and I). I can’t help but be jealous that I never got that side of him, I feel selfish for feeling this because I already have two loving parents. Father’s day is not only a difficult day for me, but also very confusing. I feel like I owe so much to my step dad for choosing to be a father to me, and raising me to be the person I am, and I feel like I still need to call my biological dad on father’s day, just out of a technicality. For what though? He didn’t call me on my birthday or Christmas this past year, so why do I owe him the same courtesy? Is it because I still have three siblings under the age of ten in his care, and I continue to nurture a relationship for their sake? Is it because I know he’s has a lifetime of abuse that makes him distant to his family and he can’t help the way he is? I struggle every year on this day, and I thought it would get better as I got older, but it hasn’t. It still hurts, I still feel my depression kick in the week before, and I wonder why every time, and then I look at the calendar, and it makes sense.

[j-edwards]

Round 2

After the last update, I battled through the depression that hit like a ton of bricks. It dwindled but I could still feel it. Josh and I have moved in together and were almost at our one year anniversary. It's hard to believe we're almost 5 months into living together. He left for work this morning, he'll be gone until the end of the month. I'm having a hard time coping with the distance. All the pain my father left me with when I was younger about separation is bubbling up. We went to visit some friends in Edmonton this weekend and it was a great trip, but on the plane back home I had a panic attack the whole way. I had to get up and hyperventilate in the bathroom multiple times. People were staring. It's hard. Sleeping alone is something I never wanted to experience ever again. I know its temporary, and I know his job is important, but this will never be easy.

All of this is just in time for my seasonal depression to kick back in.

Granted, I've got a new job, and my god do I love it. I feel important, I make a difference, I feel rewarded at the end of my days. If I didnt have this, I don't know how I'd cope with this.

His family is reaching out and inviting me to spend time with them, which I appreciate more than anything in this world. They have accepted me as I am and made me one of them.

I don't know what I wanted to achieve from this post, maybe just to get my emotions out in any other way other than tears. Maybe I wanted to write about him to remind myself how much I adore this man, not that I need the reminder. Maybe I just need to write another letter to him to assure him I'll be home when he gets back.

My love,

I want you to be home with me every night, I want you to cuddle me to sleep, I want to make you dinner and make you laugh. But, I also want you to take which ever job you want. I don't want to hold you back, I don't want you to worry about me, I want you to miss me, and be excited to come home to me, but enjoy your time while you miss me. These next few months are going to be hard. I'm going to try my hardest so you don't have to worry about me. I know my depression and anxiety take a toll on you, but I don't want that.

I love you to the end of the earth, I'll love you more every day, I'll always be home to take care of you and make sure you're the happiest I can make you. I will cry, I'm going to hurt while you're gone, but this will make us closer, taking the time to miss each other will make us appreciate the time we do have together. One day, when were old, well look back on this and smile, we'll love and laugh and look forward to our future.

My love for you is endless.

[j-edwards]

Karli,

It's been about 2 months since we met. Obviously I say that loosely because I've never actually met you, touched you, or heard you. Somehow you're still a constant thought in my mind. I wonder about the what if's, what if we actually met, where would we be now? What if we kept communication? What if we agreed to be friends?

I've taken a step back from dating since you, talking to other people seemed dull, empty, and draining. It just felt like I wouldn't have had the same fulfillment that you gave me. I have talked, thought, felt, and processed deeply about you. What the future holds, I don't know, but somehow, a large part of me still wants you.

Josh is unconvinced. It seems that the shared door with you is closed to him. I can't blame him.

I can't help but be sad, I can't help but miss you in some convoluted way. Whatever you gave me, I still deeply want, and right now, I only want it from you.

You're on my mind, but you knew this.

[j-edwards]

Sammi,

I don't even know where to begin to describe what our friendship means to me. My whole life, I wanted to be understood, valued, respected, and loved by my friends. I never got that as a child, I barely got it as a teenager. I have wanted to have a bond that exceeds us, and you've given me that by trusting me as an aunt and now a god parent to your daughter. Our friendship is slowly healing my inner child, watching you love Mckenna and treat her how step children should be treated is what gives me hope that there is still good in this world. I don't feel the need to mask myself. You see and love my true authentic self as it is, scattered and all.

I believe that people can have many soul mates, not always romantic, some for a certain period of time, some for life. I have been so fortunate to have found a few in my life, and you are one of them. I just want you to know how grateful I am that you came into my life when you did.

I've spent a lot of my life alone, always the minority, always have to justify who I am, and what I believe. For the first time, I don't feel alone, I don't feel the need to explain myself. I can just be, and it is one of the most calming experiences.

I truly and deeply thank you for allowing me to be me and choosing my friendship every day. Having a friendship that only has intentions of enjoyment and company is something I didn't think I would ever have, and honestly, I didn't even know existed.

With all that being said, as I near 30, I spend time reflecting on my 20s and my healing journey, and I realize I have what I need in life. I have unconditional love and support, and that's earned in time and trust. That is truly the greatest gift. I never thought I would have that in life, and as you are a large part of that, I reflect on my time with you, and the only way I can describe it is with the utmost gratitute.

Thank you for being you, showing me it's okay to be me and for loving me as I am.

[j-edwards]

Kath's wedding speach.

Hi everyone,

Those of you that don't know me, I'm Jess, other than Kath's family, I'm probably the one person that's known her the longest. What I can tell you is that we absolutely hated each other as kids. She was this beautiful, bubbly personality that was always singing, and I was the weird, awkward kid. Some of you may also hear me call her Kath, and I'm going to age myself when I say this, but I pre-date Rina. Believe it or not, there was a lifetime before Rina existed. To me, Kath is my best friend, she lived 3 doors down from me, she was the one that was glued to my side for most of high school, she loved me even though I was weird and awkward. We came from completely different social circles, but what I can tell you is that I've never felt so accepted as who I am, as I do when I'm around her. That being said, Rina is an adult. She's grown up. She's hard working, she's dedicated, she's intelligent, and she's charismatic. It's not that Kath wasn't all those things. It's just that Kath worked hard on all that, so Rina could thrive. That's what I see her doing. She's thriving. So, even though 90% of you call her Rina, I'll continue to call her Kath because I don't think I'll ever be ready to let go of that best friend I knew.

What some of you may not know is that I'm very protective of those that I love. The health and happiness of my friends and family are my biggest priorities, and I have a hard time letting people take over that role for me. So, what I can say is through all the years of knowing Kath, there wasn't a single person I thought was worthy of her. She was too good, she was too loving. That is, until she met Avery. I may not have spent much time with him, and I may not know him as well as most people in this room, but what I do know, is that he is a man that was raised to be worthy of Kath, and I can honestly say, I don't believe there is anyone else on this planet that stands up to him. Avery, I thank you for loving her so deeply and unconditionally. For always protecting her, and I will always admire you for seeing her the same way I see her.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for including me on such an intimate day. Being a part of your wedding is something I will always cherish and be grateful for.

[j-edwards]

Ross,

I spent a good 15 years of my life begging you to love me. In return, I got less and less effort from you as I grew. You lied to my face when you said you would be at my high school graduation, you didn't even have the courage to tell me ahead of time, I found out day of, after I bought you a ticket. I think that was the final day I gave up on you. That was the nail in the coffin.

I was angry for a very long time. I carried a lot of hurt in my soul because of the love I wanted from you, but never received. I spent a long time grieving you, grieving what I wanted from you. That grief followed me everywhere I went. It met every person I met and held me back from loving with every ounce of effort I had.

Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine hurting a child how you did. I grew up wishing you were an addict, an alcoholic or even dead, I felt the need to blame our strained relationship on something, something a little more simple than the reason that's true. How does one explain that you were abused in every form for many years, ostracized from your family, stripped of your culture, and was victim to one of the most horrific genocides the world has ever seen? It's not simple. From your trauma, you had many routes you could have taken. You could have fallen into addiction. You could have turned into the abuser. You could have risen from the ashes and stopped the cycle of abuse. The route you unconsciously chose was to become a narcissist. That's right, you're a narcissist. After a year of consistent therapy, I finally have something to blame. "Why don't you have a relationship with your father?" Because he's a narcissist.

I decided about a year ago that I was going to delete our last form of connection and communication, I haven't done it yet, but I think today is the day. I'm ready to let you go. You let me go a long time ago, but I held on for dear life, hoping you would love me, but you never did. I think I've completed my grieving process. I think I'm done loving you and hoping you'll reciprocate.

I'm not sure how to feel, I don't know if I feel anyway to the matter anymore. Maybe freedom? A very sad type of freedom. I feel free not needing you to love me anymore. I have gained other father figures in my life who did your job better than you could, even if you put in the effort. My father in law told me he was proud of me. He was proud of the effort I was putting in to stop the cycle of abuse, and in 29 years, that was the first time I had ever heard that from a father. Hearing it makes me appreciate my new family even more than I did, and I'm so very lucky to have another dad and mom who love me, a sister who wants a relationship with me, and a cousin who fills the hole that has been empty for a long while. It makes me sad you'll never feel that deep, unconditional love, to give or receive.

Even though I've been an Edwards for a year now, after today, I will no longer be a Wilson, I will not ever recognize that name, and I don't believe it to be a part of my past.

I feel sorry you missed out. You missed out on knowing me. You missed out on my dark, stupid humor, my home cooked meals, my utter loyalty, and above all else, you missed out on how deeply I can love when I'm loved back.

I would go to the pitts of hell for those that I love. There's nothing I wouldn't do to protect them, and you missed out on that.

I hope for your sake, one day you find peace. You find the path of healing, and even though it's a long tough road, it's worth being on.

I wish you all the best, but from here on, I want nothing to do with your journey. I don't believe that will ever change, and that's something you'll have to live with.

Goodbye, Ross.

[j-edwards]

Dad,

You don't deserve to be called that, but what else do I call you? Ross? Father? Sperm donor? I guess dad will have to do for now, just know that I don't hold the same meaning to dad as the general population does. How could I?

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this to you. Life update? Tell you how I feel? Call you out for being a shit dad? Fuck, I don't know.

I want you to hear from me, I got married. I have officially changed my last name, and in the eyes of the government, social media, and in my personal life, we no longer share a last name. I've been waiting 20 years to change my name and to have a last name to be proud of. No, you were not invited. We had a small ceremony of family and friends, and everyone who was there had a personal relationship to the both of us. You did not have that with either of us. You gave almost zero effort to get to know me, spend time with me, and love me as I am my whole life and you gave less effort into getting to know the man that I would eventually marry. You did not deserve an invitation, and I have no regrets about that.

I'm almost 30, I'm more than halfway through my last year in my 20s, and I've learned a lot. I learned about my undiagnosed mental disorders and how to cope with them. I've learned about my toxic and unhealthy habits and traits in relationships and how to shift my mindset to be more productive. I've started to heal, I started therapy, and I'm actively fixing what you broke, what you failed to even put together. I've put in an incredible amount of work, more work than if you just did your damn job right. But no, you couldn't break the cycle. You couldn't put your ego aside and admit you needed help to move past your trauma. Instead, you willingly gave me yours, and now I'm forced to deal with something that shouldn't be my responsibility. You have 5 kids, and you failed all of us, every single one. I have zero relationship with any of them, and with other facors aside, I blame you the most for that. I don't believe you're capable of love, to give or receive. I believe you are far too emotionally detached to even comprehend what unconditional love is.

More than 15 years ago, I told you I felt indifferent toward you, and that is still the same. I don't believe I love you, I think you took that away every time you failed to show up for me.

More than anything, though, I pity you. I feel sorry for you, I see through your tough guy act, I see past the cold, and I see a scared, sad, hurt little boy who was severely abused. Your abuse and your past was not your fault. Going to residential school was not your fault. Having your mom die while away at residential school was not your fault. What was your fault, was passing down your demons to innocent children who just wanted to be loved by their dad.

I think this letter is my final piece to you. I've spent far too many years contemplating this, but I believe open-ended communication is no longer beneficial to me. I don't believe you deserve a window into my life anymore. I don't believe you deserve to have a means to contact me. Not that it really changes all that much. You haven't reached out in years. I mean, you asked me what my birthday was a couple of years ago, but I don't believe that counts. It's a sad day when a child has to parent the parent, but it's even sadder when a little girl is just begging for her dad to show up. You are the reason I don't want kids. I fear turning into you, I fear my trauma would be passed on, and I don't believe that's fair. I could not live with myself if I had a child, and they felt how I felt because of me. I had to teach myself how to be loved and cared for by a man. A job that was supposed to fall on you, and instead I, again held that responsibility. I experienced trauma because I was never taught to be loved, not in healthy ways.

I hope for the sake of your younger children, you seek help one day. Renée and I are on our own now, were adults, but the younger 3 still have a chance of having a healthy relationship with you. You just need to heal yourself first.

Jess

[j-edwards]

I'm feeling angry today. I'm 29 years old, and I've lived my life the same way for 28 of those years. For 28 years, I thought struggle, pain, numbness, and just a lack of desire for life were normal. What do you mean people wake up in a good mood? People FEEL things other than negativity? I'm not saying I've never felt happiness, but outside situational emotions, I didn't know people still felt things. I thought emotions were brought on when something happened. What I'm learning now is that through YEARS of emotional neglect, trauma, and undiagnosed ADHD which then triggered some heavy bouts of depression is a lack of emotional regulation. ND folks can already have an uphill battle with emotional regulation, so I believe my body saw numbness in survival mode and kept me there. It didn't know how to regulate what it was feeling and just decided not to feel at all. Feeling emotions for what I believe is the first time in my life is hard to battle. I feel like I'm a gangly giraffe learning to walk for the first time, tripping and falling, unaware of where my limbs are. It's really hard not to revert back to the toxic ways I know, the yelling and screaming, calling people names, threatening to leave if no change is made, and completely stone walling. It's hard, really hard, not to break down when expressing emotions because it triggers feelings of vulnerability. Talking through things with the help of my husband has given me a safe space to allow my feelings to be heard and to feel validated. He grew up in a home that regulated emotions, apologized, and checked in with one another. He has more practice than I do. He never yells, he listens, sometimes he says the wrong thing (wrong in the sense that it may not be what I wanted to hear) and we've been working on communicating what we need in that moment. I feel late to the party. I feel like Cady from Mean Girls, she shows up late, walks into a room full of people in slutty costumes and they're all stairing at her in her "ex-wife" costume. She's confused, feels like she sticks out, feels left out. Ultimately, I feel failed. Completely and utterly failed. I have 2 biological parents who had absolutely no business having children, one step dad that is completely checked out and unaware, and thankfully an ex step mom who literally didn't give one single shit about me or my well being. I feel like I showed up to work, and everything's in diseray, a complete and utter mess, and everyone's just sitting there on their phone. I walk in like "hellooooo?!" What the fuck happened here? Why is this place a disaster, and why is no one working? They just shrug, "eh" we wanted to try doing it, didn't work out like we thought, so you can do it now, but we're not cleaning it up or keeping ourselves accountable. I'm just standing there thinking what the fuck. I just feel so neglected. Growing up, I had this idea of my mom that I idolized, I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to grow up to be strong, independent, driven, and self-sufficient. Now, this is the last thing I want. When I (emotionally) grow up, I want to be loved, accepted, safe, and unmasked. I feel betrayed. I feel let down. I'm just so, so angry. I think this has a large influence on why I don't want kids. I think back to my childhood and remember how lonely I was. I could never, and would never want to put a child through what I have experienced in life. I don't believe that I could give a child the life they deserved. Not a life I would enjoy simultaneously. Seeing what supportive parents are supposed to look like has been a very eye-opening experience for me. Feeling love and support from my in-laws has allowed me to heal a part in my trauma. Having a supportive family in general. A sister who loves, supports, and trusts me is just a feeling I could never explain. Having that support has been one of the biggest helping hands through my healing journey. For once, I'm starting to feel valued for who I am, not what I bring or do.

[j-edwards]

I just want to add one last thing for today.

With getting married, I also adopted a new family. I was welcomed with open arms and acceptance by my in-laws. My mother and father-in-law have become my own parents, showing me what support looks like, I have nothing but love and gratitude towards them.

One thing I never got to experience growing up was a sibling relationship. I have 3 half-sisters and 1 half-brother who barely know I exist. My husband, on the other hand, has an incredible relationship with his sister. A sister, who is now also my sister.

I don't even know the words to describe the feelings I have for our relationship. She fully looks at me like I am her older sister, she confides in me, comes to me for advice and support, and trusts me. I love my adopted family, whole heartedly, but the appreciation I have for my sister-in-law is something I never thought I'd experience in life.

[j-edwards]

Where do I start? I just passed 7 whole years since I left an abusive relationship. 7 whole years! Those first 6 years were rough, I'm not going to lie. It's been an uphill battle trying to heal myself, it's something I struggle with on a daily basis, but I'm writing this out to remind myself of the things I've overcome in just shy of a year.

June 25, 2022 Josh and I got married, I'm officially not a Wilson, I'm an Edwards. Changing my name came with a flood of emotions I didn't know how to process. It was incredible to share the last name of a man who truly and unconditionally loves me, but it was also a grief process for me. I did not invite my father to my wedding, and I knew that would be the end of any relationship I shared with him. Changing my name was symbolic of that. Getting married also came with a looming thought that I was now trapped, feelings that my previous relationship brainwashed into me. Seeing my struggles affected my now husband, and I could no longer let that continue. I started therapy, and my god, the help that it brought was so freeing and liberating. I have a session every week, and I see 2 different therapists that help me in very different ways. Recently, I've been diagnosed with ADHD, which I didn't know causes a low level of dopamine in your brain, which comes with a mirad of different symptoms that affect your day to day life. In the last week , I started a new medication, Vyvanse, and the difference is incredible. What I was not aware of is that your brain can be quiet. I've been learning to not supress my emotions, I thought ignoring emotions was a sign of strength, but boy, was I wrong. With vulnerability comes strength, and allowing myself to feel my emotions as they come give me peace, they help me to my end goal.

With the tools I've learned, I'm slowly healing myself and, in turn, healing my marriage. I was under the impression that my struggles were mine to deal with. They only affected me, but that's not true. They affect everyone who cares for me. I've spent years feeling alone, and honestly, for the first time in my life, I feel safe, I feel supported, I feel loved and cherished for WHO I am, not what I can do or bring.

Starting therapy, it's open up a new trauma for me that I never realized. I feel failed not only by my dad but by my mom. I grew up in such an emotionally neglected house that I was never taught how to deal with my emotions, and with ADHD, those emotions come in extreme highs and lows and your dopamine levels rise and fall. Things that parents are supposed to recognize and help with were swept under the rug, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces and heal myself, my inner child and teach myself what should have been taught growing up.

Is it my parents' fault? Maybe, but they are a product of their trauma and environment. I'm working on letting go of resentment, but it's hard not to feel neglected and to want to point blame.

To my husband, Josh, you are the light in my darkness. Without your unconditional love and support, I would not be who or where I am today. You push me, you support me, you see a vaule in me that I had never seen before. You have allowed me to see me how you see me. The gratitude I feel by being your wife, feeling your support is the true meaning of life.

[j-edwards]

And then...

Almost 4 years have past since Colin and I have split up. Life has changed so much, I feel so full in every aspect of my life, but the pain still lingers in some ways.

About a month ago I finally took the step, I covered Colin's initals on my hip, that tattoo is now a solid black void of an empty eye ball. I can deal with the matching birds, I can change that into something for me when I'm ready, but his writing on my body had to go, and now it's gone forever and I can't express how happy I am to look in the mirror now.

When Colin and I were together there was a year where we did LSD every Friday, it was our thing, we fucked, we drank, we holed up in our bedroom staring at the lava lamp. It was one of the only things I looked forward to. I fell in love with LSD more than I did him. The association of that magical drug was always with him. A few weeks ago I went up to my parents cabin with my best friend, her boyfriend, Josh and our good friend. The boys went fishing and I set up camp on a beautiful sunny beach with my soul sister and dropped for the first time in years. I took back that magical drug I fell in love with and made it mine and my besties thing. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we talked, we bonded. I told her how much that day meant to me and how freeing it was to have her with me to share it, we shared our unconditional love for each other and how much our bond meant. I took it back, it's one less thing Colin has his slimey fingers on.

Yesterday Josh and I started watching Californication, we both watched it years ago and forgot how much we loved it. At the end of every episode there's a script on a type writer that pops up and says "and then..." Colin wanted it tattooed on him forever and he loved that little blurb, I'm not sure why but he did. I forgot all about it until I saw that and holy shit did that sting. But now, I'm rewatching an epic show with the love of my life and creating new memories with a positive light in my life, one less thing for him to have his fingers on.

I've discovered in this long journey of recovery from an abusive, manipulative, controlling and ultimately grooming situation you can hardly call a man, that you have to create a new life he has not touched. You have to relearn how not be what he wanted. You have to learn to be exactly what you want to be and only that. For 3 years I turned into exactly what he wanted and lost every aspect of my life. What he saw was a mold of a young girl that fit a good enough description of what he needed and slowly turned me into play-doh and formed me into a cookie cutter of what he needed. If I didn't make the right choices he talked down to me, he judged my every waking move, and he would make me feel awful about myself. Someone you love should never treat you like you're lesser, but to him I was, I wasn't as good as his first wife and I would never be, but it was like "eh, she's aight, good enough". Now that enough time has passed, I see it for what it was, the healing process is still taking time but I've felt so much progress in such a short time and it's so liberating.

I just wanted to share my freedom and express how wonderful it feels, and I hope everyone can feel this, or I inspire someone to leave an unhealthy situation and rediscover your wonder.

[j-edwards]

To the man that made me change my mind about love.

Josh,

Do you ever wonder why I tell you I love you multiple times in a row, or why I kiss you a hundred times until I get the perfect kiss? Because there's no words that can explain how greatful I am of you. I am so deeply in love with who you are and what you believe in. Your passion, your drive, your morals, your laugh, your smile, your eyes give me the purest joy. I want to spend every single morning waking up to you, and every single night in your arms. When I hear you snore, I laugh, when you roll over and hug me from a dead sleep I feel the safest, when you're being goofy to make me laugh I feel no pain. Here we are 5 months into the rest of our lives, and I've never been so sure of something. I vow to do everything in my power to make you happy. There is no mine or yours anymore, it's ours. What I have I will share with you every day for the rest of my life. I will stand by you everyday and push you to achieve your goals, I will hold you when you hurt, I will remain yours and only yours through the days we aren't together and I will build our future.

Your favourite,

Jess.

[j-edwards]

Moving on

So in 21 days it will be 2 years since Colin and I separated. A lot has happened since I left. I've dated, had one night stands, rekindled relationships, became an aunt again, got a new job and promotion, and most importantly fell deeply madly in love. About 5 months ago I met the man of my dreams, he treats me like a queen, spoils me, takes care of me, shows me he loves me deeply and makes me laugh everyday. I've not felt this way in over 10 years, not even about Colin. This is a healthy, functioning relationship with a future. In about 2 weeks Josh and I will be flying to Mexico for my birthday, which he paid for, just because he wanted to. We have plans to move in together, travel the world and have funny matching Halloween costumes. We have the same goals, morals, and drive at work. We make love, we eat, we laugh, my relationship is my version of perfection. I have never felt this kind of love in my life.

In the last month or so, I have felt depression like I have never felt before. I'm crying out of the blue, I'm having panic attacks, nightmares, I'm lashing out, I'm isolating myself from people I care about. I have no reason to feel like this, granted I don't have a perfect life, but I'm happy. I've never had to fight depression like this. I keep thinking Josh will leave me because I'm too much to handle, or I'm losing the person he fell in love with. I'm insecure for the first time in years, and I don't know how to handle it.

At the end of the day, all my insecurities that Colin gave me are bubbling back up into my new relationship and I can't let them go. I thought the judgment and abuse he put me through had left with the relationship but I was wrong.

I think I need help, I think I need medication and counselling but I can't accept it. I've always prided myself in taking care of my mental health on my own but I can't do it this time and it makes it worse.

[j-edwards]

Update.

So, it’s been about 7 months since Colin and I officially split up. I spent my 23rd birthday moving. It was a nasty break up, that led me to only have 24 hours to get everything out of my home of 3 years. A home that I had built for us, a home that would have never been half as welcoming if I hadn’t put the time and effort in. We’ve had our ups and downs since we split, we’ve tried to see if we can rekindle, and in all honesty, there was so much pain in the separation that I won’t let myself love him as much as I used to. We’ve shared moments, kisses and texts that made me remember why I fell in love with him, but at the end of the day, we ended because we were no longer happy, healthy and functioning. I’ve had a few short relationships in the time since we split. Dating casually, but as it stands, nothing that’s made me change my mind about kids and marriage in the future. I’ve seen the girls once since our split and that was about 2 months ago. Mouon contacted me, and so I picked them up for fries and milkshakes. I had a lot of nerves and anxiety about this. I love those girls like they were mine, and I always will, but our split made me feel like I let them down. I didn’t want them to feel like I abandoned them. I was so nervous that they hated me or that they were mad, but when I picked them up we stood there hugging and crying for 10 mins before we left. It was such a beautiful moment that I’ll never forget.

[j-edwards]

Finished.

Here am I am trying to make sense of my life choices. After 2 years of carrying this feeling I finally voiced how I felt. I ended our relationship. Just days shy of our 3 year anniversary. I feel like I'm a failure. I feel like I wasted his time. But I also feel relief. That is until I have to move. I'm so sad I feel this way. I would do anything to not feel this.

[j-edwards]

Feeling unappreciated.

I work hard, I cook, I clean, I love, I try to do everything. I put myself second because putting my family first makes me happy. I recently inherited a large amount of money from my dad. After being broke for so long, it's nice to feel like I have a back up. I've saved almost all of it. I payed off some debt, but that's it. So I decided to take my girls out for a date, I spoiled them and took them shopping and for lunch. All I got out of it were unappreciative kids who expect anything. It pissed me off. I work hard for them. So I snapped. I told them to stop being brats and have some damn respect. I expect Colin to back me up, but all I got out of him was "they're just kids, go easy on them". After countless times he's snapped on them, I always back up his parenting, but the one fucking time I do, I get jack squat. I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I feel like I'm not appreciated for how much I put into this family, that isn't my damn responsibility.