#or maybe that's just me - this might be a bit of a vent post
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please don’t be sad little sprout, you are loved 🌱 🖤
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#🌱Thank you<33🌱#I guess my latest vent art post made some of you guys worried. I'm sorry ;;n;; )#but I'm alright. well.. kind of? Like I haven't done anything to myself kind of alright?#maybe I should explain bit about my situation but at the same time I don't feel comfortable to open up too much#but simply said it's about doing art as a job and mental health#Things haven't been going well but I am getting help for my mental health#This is all what I will say for now about my situation#I apologize again that I made you guys worried#but I do warn that I might post more vent art if I get enough energy to draw#this is just one way how I deal with my emotions#but if you don't like vent art I suggest to block the words vent and vent art#I remember tumblr has this option somewhere??#and uhh.. I don't really know how to end this post but thank you everyone who has been sending support<33#I might not know how to reply to them but I have read them all and I'm very thankful for all the support what you guys have given me🌱#Thank you🌱#ask#anon#me talking
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Demetrius Desmond is very relatable in that he so perfectly encapsulates the isolation of the burden of the expectations of an eldest child of a parent he has started to realize is not right but not being articulate enough yet to voice that.
And how his sibling is young enough that he is still chasing his father's expectations so Demetrius can't speak frankly with him without repercussions. And how he can't speak to his mother because at some level he knows his mother is forced to play the role of good wife and can't commiserate with him because his father has too much money and power (and maybe might loathe him too for how similar he himself is to the person suppressing them both).
So he is alone and no one around him makes any sense, and he moves forward pursuing academic success on autopilot because what else can he do in this situation.
#spy x family#demetrius desmond#melinda desmond#damian desmond#donovan desmond#or maybe that's just me - this might be a bit of a vent post
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Guys, I'm trying - but FUCK I can't draw Bruce or anything
#I've been futzing with this for the last 34 minutes and 32 seconds#(I was watching a drawfee video)#I think I've tried to draw his hair about 6 times#I just#I'm struggling so hard and it's making my heart beat faster as I get more stressed and I just wanna cry#why is this happening#art never used to be like this for me#it was something I could do for hours#it was fun and relaxing#why is it now such a source of stress#I could cry#maybe I am tearing up a bit who could say#this started off as a joke post but it's also a vent now I guess lol#back to drawfee#or animal crossing I might give up#sigh#wip
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I really need to stop going into the general 911 tag bc some of y’all are so stupid and that’s ok but you’re also really mean and I’d like you to please keep it away from me (I have blocked so many people already)
#911 abc#anti bucktommy#<- in case anyone wondered what I was talking about#and also so they don’t see this#is there an anti tag for straight eddie diaz truthers too?#bc that was what really inspired this post#venting#tw vent#like the man who had panic attacks bc he imagined a woman (that he was dating) coparenting his child??? that man??? is straight???????#the man who said ‘it’s just that Christopher loves you so much I just thought that maybe [eventually I would too]’#that man??????????#heterosexual?????????#you’re joking right????#the man who said relationships (with women) are like sinking into molten chocolate and yeah it’ll eventually suffocate you but it’s familiar#that man??????#sorry I’m more mad about this than I thought#like sure it might never be canon but you cannot look me in the eye and understand eddie even a little bit and say he isn’t queer coded#like he is frankly the most queer coded character in that show (apart from hen who has been an out married lesbian for the whole show)#his whole breakdown???#gay#the shooting arc???????#the will?????????#but no yeah he’s like so clearly the straightest man ever and those who think he’s queer are delusional totally 100% right of course#anyways#if you’re a streddie truther please block me and also maybe rewatch the show and also what are you even doing???#no hate to y’all but we are watching different shows and I don’t think it would be productive to interact lmao
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how it feels having to unfollow a beloved mutual cuz they reblogged proship content and are apparently okay with that kind of shit
#vent i might delete later#kurt.txt#this is unrelated to my selfship mutuals but I also didn’t want to post this on my main so.#god i thought they were pretty cool. maybe i should have just left them alone in the first place#their blog wasnt very minor friendly after all. they did post quite a bit of kink content and make aus of it#and they still follow me too.#☹️.
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ima tell u this now : if u hate on x reader fics, block me cus by doing that you r doing us both a great favour 🤚🏽 ion need any of ur negativity on my blog because this is a safe space for people who do enjoy x reader fics goodbye
#𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆.#im gonna vent a bit in tags so ignore#bcs ive seen like two hate posts on x reader w a lot of interaction#and ima say this#leave ppl alone … maybe.. idk? like to each their own#its not that hard to block people if you don’t like their content#i swear we x reader writers wont even mind or notice if u do#we’d be so glad if u just block us completely#like god bless u for taking out the negativity (you) from our blog#i might not like oc fics but do u see me hating on them?? no bcs i just scroll past them#sometimes i even read them bcs thers no harm in trying out different things#and some of them are rlly good !!!#but ay just leave ppl be and stop acting stupid n pathetic 😟…#ofc everyone should tag their posts accordingly#i do too#but can u blame ppl for enjoying what they read?#ik some of u dislike it bcs reader is most likely written as a petite white female#but the x reader fics im reading dont have such descriptions added at all#yall just looking at the wrong stuff#but maybe its bcs i follow mainly poc / black writers 🤷🏽♀️#anyway i love when i can insert myself in fics and feel appreciated idk abt yall#but hating on ppls enjoyments is a bit.. childish#i thought we left that behind#and grew up#but okk!! do what u gotta do ig#main point: block x reader tags + the writers you come across#u r doing both of us a HUGE favour 😋 !#tw discourse#tw vent#cw vent
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probably going to rework my human bellum design again
#surprise surprise im still not satisfied with it but i think i have the base down#might just rework his clothing a liiiiitle and maybe like. give him at least slightly darker skin#he still comes off as edgy or some shit to me. i still want to stick with the violent delinquent sorta angle#i just feel like its a bit much or whatever. he just seems too unremarkable but also too detailed#or something. with the scars all over. maybe its bc i cant picture him v well in the game artstyle? but ive never cared much abt that#tho looking at the comms ive gotten of him. he seems fine. the x on the eyepatch might be a bit much#maybe he can customize it when he materializes it idk and the x is a default. its made of sand when you inspect it#it might also help to write him more. force myself to think abt him in situations#in other news im thinking abt damien possible post ph healing magic. i like the idea i have#i really need to fiure out more defined post ph arcs it does bother me how aimless it is#i know vague stuff but very little specifics. it needs a fucking plot#i do want to keep bellums human form making him look closely related to link. i like that#its funny if nothing else#salty talks#damiens fine hes just a guy he doesnt need anything too fancy. if i think abt it too long my certainty dissolves#wow i love being insecure ablut my ideas. i love rsd. ohhhhhhhhh boyyy#now its a minor vent. w/e. at rhis rate im. gonna start talking abt how my job scheduled me on a shift#with the literal bare minimum number of scheduled workers so if its slightly busy its going to be a living hell#at least i get paid for closing so when closing inevitably takes over an hour bc i have to do it alone im getting paid more#if i wasnt motivated by money itd be so fucking over for me in the workforce
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trying desperately to keep up w how all the moots are doing but i feel like so many ppl keep disappearing when im not around and i feel very sad about it :(
#i just thought of one person i havent seen on the dash in a bit#and was like ''oh I'll go to their blog directly to see how they've been doing! i probably just havent been active enough to see them''#but their blog was gone so i check my DMs history list bc i figure maybe theyve changed urls and. no they've deactivated D:#I just hope theyre okay 😭😭 the woes of being busy w life stuff and not seeing what ppl say before they disappear :'(#if u ever think ''nobody will notice if i disappear''... if i like a lot of ur posts i personally will definitely notice!!!#it just might take me like. a week or two dhdksl bc im so scattered. but i do eventually realize ''hey wait whered my moot go D:''#anyways. i hope everyone is doing as okay as they can be and taking care of themselves to the extent that they can 🫶#i care abt yall inasmuch as a tumblr mutual can care fjdkdl which is... quite a lot in my case LOL#i get a little nauseous when i see ppl have deactivated or suddenly gone AWOL for an extended period of time#bc i always worry smth bad has happened fjdksl i am always hoping everyone is doing okay#dandy.cmd#vent //
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on the off chance anyone on here followed me for my jonmartin fake dating au, currently standing tragically unfinished at 7 out of 8 chapters: i'm still working on the last chapter! i would love to have it up this year, but unfortunately i can't make any promises, because i've started a new medication and the side effects are wreaking havoc on my mind and body. haha isn't chronic illness fun. but rest assured the fic is the beating heart under my floorboards, and i WILL finish it one day
#i feel pretty bad about it because my update schedule has been really inconsistent for the whole fic :///#and now the final chapter is going to be even more epically delayed than the other ones#should've probably finished the whole thing properly before i started posting it but you live and learn i guess#my chronic illness really messed with my ability to write and i hate it#like the chapter is almost done. under normal circumstances it wouldn't take me long to finish it#but it's like my brain has forgotten how to make words happen. ugh.#i don't want to let people down by making them wait so long for an update#but i also don't want to let them down by giving them a mediocre chapter y'know#if all goes well the new meds might help with both the chronic fatigue *and* the depression which would be an absolute godsend#but ngl. the side effects are rough. and they can apparently last for up to six weeks#and i've only been taking the meds for about 2 1/2 weeks so i've still got a long road ahead of me#i also started my period yesterday which certainly doesn't help lmao#delete later maybe#just needed to vent for a lil bit. and as everyone knows there's no better place to discuss your private business than tumblr dot com
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😶🌫️hm.
#im trying so hard to distract myself#im blasting music in my ears to the point i might end up with tinnitus one day#im replaying some of my favorite songs#im playing my comfort songs#but im ngl im still a bit nervous#the urge to just grab my pocket knife and just. slit my wrist open where a major artery is or smthin or down a bunch of pills is SO strong#im tired of living. im tired of suffering everyday and being too scared to message anyone abt it bc i hate bothering people#not to mention when i finally DO have the guts to msg someone theyre already going through sht and i dont wanna put more on them#its not the first and it wont be the last time that i have the urge to just fuckign kill myself but.#i genuinely just dont see the point in me living.#people on here only see the brighter sides of me bc i only post the best of my days usually#but ive been in an abusive relationship. i have religious trauma. i have trauma from when i was a child that gave me ptsd.#i have serious depression. and i cant even take anti depressants because im on seizure meds.#life has always been nothing but shit and im sick of trying to be positive for everyone only to be called all sorts of names and abandoned#idk. maybe dying really wont be so bad. maybe it wont be painful. i dont know. i really dont.#im typing everything here bc i dont want to post this openly and ik 99.9% of people dont read my tags anyway so its...a nice way of venting#i think.
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Gosh, it really does suck the way an aching joint can derail your whole day and/or mood, oof...
#personal#vent#my right shoulder had been bothering me since morning#it was manageable at first but it got way worse#and my knees and wrists are having their moments too#fortunately not as bad#but this fucking shoulder#already took a painkiller but it did absolutely nothing#I mean does seem to help with these bone deep dull aches 😣#I laid a heatpad over it for a bit but it didnt do much#tho maybe it was more manageable with it? hmm#I'll change the cooled off water for hot again and see#maybe at least then I'll be able to do Something#kinda just wanna cry now#hate those aches so much ugh#might delete this post later#I just gotta vent for a bit#hopefully it'll help my mood somewhat 😪#ehhh....
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I've been trying to get myself to revise all weekend but im clearly burnt out and clearly struggling with my executive dysfunction so I know I should just give myself a break, but I left my revision till the last minute again, so if i don't revise now then I'll have to go into a test having done no revision, so I'll probably fail, and like, yeah it's only finance, but thats the problem, it's only finance, and its gonna make me sound like a stuck up bitch but thats why i can't fucking fail it, like failing any of my subjects already makes me want the ground to swallow me up, but failing finance??? Failing arguably the easiest fucking subject i do, the one thats nowhere near as important and difficult as the others? I think I'd throw up, I'd cry and I'd throw up and I'd be so mortifyingly embarrassed, but now i don't know if I'll pass or fail or what because i didn't do any fucking revision because I'm burnt out because I've had so many fucking tests for no reason and I'm so fucking tired and fuck
#moss mumbles#moss vents#tonight on moss has a fucking breakdown#im gonna shower. and then I'm gonna try and skim read the textbook. and then im just gonna sit and pray i have good luck tomorrow#(i am not religious—)#and when it hits 10 oclock im going to sit and draw for a bit#and maybe I'll try and get up early so i can do a little revision then who knows#with how its going now. i might wake up tomorrow and immediately have a panic attck. wouldn't that be fun <33#also im sorry this post makes me sound so fucking stuck up. like i know school isn't *that* important#but its also sort of the only consistent thing I've had going for me for my whole life so uh. yeah#if I'm not clever then who the fuck am i or whatever
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Y'know considering that I actually like Marina & Florence + The Machine & quite a few Billie Eillish songs, I might actually like Lana Del Ray's music if I listened to it, but I also just categorically refuse to do so because by this point she's become so intertwined with some of the most insufferable views of "feminity" I've ever seen that I literally just cannot do it.
#also her music seems a bit slow and percussionless#and i'm a strong beat type of gal#her lyrics also just seem kind of meh but again that might just be because i've viewed them almost entirely#via snapshots given to me by people who frankly don't seem to be the sorts of fans who will dig deeper#than a superficial knowledge of a discography so. maybe some of her songs have lyrics i might vibe with.#sorry this post comes off so r/imnotlikeothergirls#but its not the embracement of feminity itself that's bad#it's this fetishsisation of feminity as defined by victimhood#filtered through this weird sexualisation of delicate waifs and chiffon and mental illness and suicide#in a way that would have given the pre-raphaelites a run for their money#combined with a glorification of the 'i hate men because they're inherently different from me because im a woman#but i also need men because im a woman'#as if that's everything womanhood is#it's also (dare i say it) a very affluent white teenager way of looking at it#and i say this as an affluent white female teenager#and as someone of that identity whose had legitimate struggles with anger issues & self-harm & suicidal ideation & fears of abandonment#i just *really* don't appreciate people sanitising and objectifying frankly very ugly parts of human suffering#sorry that was a WHOLE tangent but just. like. that's why i can't stand this lana del ray shit and its probably quite subjective#but there it is#tw vent
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Starting a new oni save that's not a rime colony for the first time in forever and I am in agony how do y'all live like this (shaking and crying as it is forced to enter a mildly warm area for drekos)
#rat rambles#oni posting#also makes guiser taming more annoying but its ok I can manage#my main goal for this playthrough is to make more use of automation and spoms#my last one isnt necessarily being completely abandoned I just wanted to try getting off of rime for a bit#I miss the hypothermia pop ups every five seconds but on the bright side I dont have to worry abt my water supply freezing#Im also trying some other new things and just trying to be more ambitious in general#I managed to force myself to upgrade my bathrooms within the first 50 cycles are you proud of me#I also am making better use of hydro whatever farm plots for my obligatory bristleberry farm#thoroughly enjoying the lessened dupe labor even if it puts a bit more pressure on my initial water supply#I do have a steam vent and a salt water guiser nearby tho so Im not particularly worried#mainly Im just figuring out how I wanna go abt cooling it#my salt water guiser is right by a tundra biome with a cooling machine right inside it so I could attempt to use that#but from my multiple attempts to utilize that thing it's a bit hard to use for liquid cooling#I also think I might build my spom in that same biome so idk#I do have a second tundra biome thats also right next to the saltwater biome but Im trying to preserve it best I can to wildfarm sleet weat#I have also made the laziest drowning chamber I could manage and its called building my hatch ranch over my water tank#plus a critter sensory autosweeper and conveyor loader#it does overkill a lil every time it activates but its ok Im lazy enough to live with it#I also have some pacu and a crab in there so its a whole party in there#this is also going to be my first time having sanishells once I get an egg#not going to properly ranch them tho I kind of just took one to use as a trash can for my early polluted dirt#also Im glad I was able to get onto bristle berries as a primary food source quickly this time around#Im not going to go crazy expanding it for now since I have a couple other crops Im planning on getting going soon as well#mainly lettus and sleet wheat once I find some pips#then I can have early frost burgers if I want. I wont since I havent found any natural gas vents yet but y'know#speaking of oh 4 natural gass vents all near eachother on my last save how I miss you you made power so easy#on the bright side Ill have an oil biome that isn't filled with solid oil this time lol#I should rly make some actual use of oil this time around#hey who knows maybe Ill get far enough to make a sour gas boiler (lying)
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>:3
#i feel like sisyphus in this job space tonight so assorted bellumbeck thoughts go#tryjng to not touch on the stuff im writing an actual post on bjt i might repeat stuff and get into ship territory#so like. i enjoy getting way too deep abt bellumbeck and the possible parallels and w/e between bellum n linebeck#things to get deeper abt them and connections between them. abt linebeck being somehow more drawn to bellum than oshus#tryina get my mind off of things. school work world at large yknow. uh. trying to stay optimistic. idk if thats a good idea rn#anyways. um. something abt like. bellum is to linebeck as the spirits are to link. linebeck and link as the two major human main characters#being kind of strongly associated with these opposing forces? linebeck and link being foils/generally very different#yknow? like maybe oshus/the spirits ofc choose him in a sense bc he aligns with their goals and beliefs#while linebeck aligns more with bellum’s goals (which ig you can infer with some similarities between them from what you see)#yeah. making it way deeper than it actually is. bellum meeting linebeck in the middle in some form before just yknow. fucking with him#the thing between linebeck and bellum is so fun. it starts with bellum just throwing all of linebecks trauma at him and that backfiring#then trying to get him on to his side with the whole like i mean you do fantasize abt murder dude and then that falling flat#and then just giving up and getting violent and then THAT backfires bc uh oh he started venting by accident n linebecks kinda into this#its half weird silly visceral homoerotic WHATEVER and the just straight up literary analysis of this 17 year old game#oh god ph is turning 17 this year. now THAT makes me feel old#anyyyyyways. i do like linebeck kind of being v similar to bellum. the disdain for ciela. a mlre chaotic and self serving way of life.#hatred for ppl who try to limit or control him. bit of a scrappier n frantic mindset when scared. loves to hit da bricks when shit sucks#i am putting them together like little dolls i think brllumbeck is really interesting to get wayyyy too invested in.
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the crippling existential dread is getting to me
#whiskey yelling into the void#will prolly delete later i would post on my vent insta instead but my phone is in my roOM AND i dont wanna get it#sitting here having a god damn crisis listening to fucking. cabinet man.#non graphic mentions of sh in following tags btw i juust need to fucking. talk. agh. >>#my eyebrow razors are in my bathroom they are There i haven't thrown them out. they are there.#i won't. i promise. but. they're There#i think i just need to sit in my room alone for a bit maybe i'll ink my monev drawing or something idk#im just not having a good fuckin time rn it's just a weird mix of things in my brain and idk what it is#def part of it is going to a funeral a couple weeks ago it wasn't even for someone i was close to but when u live in a small town#you kinda know everyone and this guy was the dad of a family who was a friend of my family and it's just. weird. that he's gone. ig#and ofc i can't even remember the last time i ever spoke with him but it's still weird?? knowing that he's not around???#and it got my thinking about my own dad and what might happen when he's gone and etc etc etc.#it's just. idk. thoughts of death lately and how much it scares the shit out of me#and i h8 pain but it does kinda remind me that im alive yk#its not just the funeral thats fuckin with me theres a lot of things but it all leads to existential dread anyway#i need to go to sleep i think
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