#or like saying that i want to “try” for a lack of a better word

[ghostgirl-22]

omg! omg! omg! do you have ideas on older jealous art? like what if he saw patrick on the date with helen at the hotel instead? or maybe saw patrick on a date with another man (grosu? 👀) and got really upset but didn’t understand why!

Oh yes, oh yes….<3

I think Art goes in the sauna, yes that sauna. But it’s before they ever meet up the night before they play the final.

CW: NSFWish, 18+

Summary: in which Art has a Karen moment because how dare you try and take his man—that he really doesn’t want (he promises). And no he doesn’t know what he’s weirdly sexually confused about. But it’s not that.

-/-/-/-

Art’s winning again. He’s mostly playing kids who are just so happy to be there or sad older guys who are so jaded and defeated about the idea of playing him that they’ve beaten themselves before Art even has to do anything. But still he is winning and it does feel good.

He’s trying to put the idea of Patrick out of his mind. Tashi tells him every single day, “He’s never going to make it to the final. He’s gonna choke. That’s his thing.” But Art notices every round he wins Patrick wins too.

His body is sore and he always feels better in the heat but being who he is in the tennis world he usually waits till really late at night to relax in the sauna. He’s sure no one else is going to be there so he’ll get a moment of peace and quiet without any of the younger players gawking over him or asking him career questions. But as soon as he pushes open the door he realizes he’s not alone at all. Patrick’s sitting on the bench and he’s not alone. He’s got some guy kneeling between his legs. The guy quickly gets to his feet when he hears the door and Art recognizes him vaguely from the draw. Victor Grasi or Grossi. Something.

The guy wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and Patrick—very slowly— pulls the towel over himself, offering Art a smirk.

Art can feel his skin heating up. He wants to turn and run but he can’t move. His stomach is suddenly swooping around like he’s riding a rollercoaster. He didn’t know Patrick did stuff like that… with boys.

“What’s up Donaldson?” Patrick says brightly, like Art didn’t just catch him with some stupid pretty boy between his legs. “I’ve been meaning to come see you.”

Art glares at him still struggling to form words. He hasn’t seen Patrick this close in so many, many years. He still smiles with his eyes but they crinkle now with age and around the edges of that smile he looks like he might be tired(sad?). And not just from lack of sleep. His hair’s shorter, skin darker the way it always was in the summertime. It makes all his freckles that much more visible. Art hates to admit the facial hair looks kinda good on him.

His body looks good too… Art’s eyes drift downward over where the towel is covering his very hard dick.

”I am so sorry Mr. Donaldson I’m a big fan. I think you are so talented. Not many Americans can win on clay,” Whatever his name is saying with a thick accent Art can’t place. It pulls Art out of whatever daze he was in. God was he just staring? Why was he fucking staring? He looks at Patrick’s face again and he’s looking at Art, amused. Smug.

Art’s annoyed all over again.

“And your game against Padilla.” The kid is still talking. “That was so good. I rewatched it twice. You’re so—“

“Thanks,” Art interrupts, his tone clipped. He’s not sure why he’s suddenly irritated with his presence. This dumb kid, probably 24 or 25, pink cheeks, perfect body just on his knees for…

“Didn’t he beat you yesterday?” Art asks, meanly, with a smirk.

His pretty little face goes stormy and Art feels a cruel internal joy when he sees it.

He mutters something in another language but Art’s certain it’s a swear word.

“I just—it was a bad day. I’m ranked much higher than him.” The kid tries to recover but he’s clearly embarrassed.

“Sure, exactly. It was just a bad day, Grosu,” Patrick chimes in, smiling as he rubs himself idly. “Lemme make you feel better.”

“You’re no good for me, Zweig.” The kid mutters.

“That’s not what you said last night,” Patrick smirks up at him.

Art’s jaw sets with irritation. Especially when Patrick’s grabbing at the kid’s waist and pulling him closer. Art’s not trying to look but for whatever reason his eyes trail back down. Probably because Patrick is just so insistently hard. And he’s touching it, just casually touching it.

The weirdest part is the way Art can feel his own balls tightening. It makes no fucking sense. He can’t possibly be getting hard. He’s one fucking step away from talking to his doctor about Viagra because he can’t get it up for someone as fucking beautiful as his wife and right now on a random night in the middle of the sauna is when he’s just ready to go. Brilliant. It’s like the universe just enjoys finding new ways to fuck with him.

The kid has forgotten about him, mesmerized by Patrick. Letting Patrick just touch him, all over. Art feels like his blood is boiling hotter than the room. He hurries outside without another word before the way his cock is swelling becomes visible to them. Not that they fucking care.

He’s barely made it into the locker room toilet stall when he’s leaning against the door jerking himself stupid. The whole thing is so fucked because in his head he’s imagining Patrick’s hands all over him. Touching him. Fucking him. Not that stupid pretty boy loser. Fucking loser. Fucking loser. Fucking loser. His mind chants over and over, not sure if it’s about the kid or Patrick or himself. All the while his hand is racing over his dick, so desperate until he’s coming hard, spraying his load all over his hand and the toilet seat. “Oh fuck,” he gasps.

Because what the fuck is he doing? He’s too old for this shit. Mind games and lust and weird teenaged flirting. He needs to go home to his wife and kid. He’s a grown up. He has responsibilities. Patrick’s still a fucking child. Just doing whatever he wants. Just fucking whoever he wants. Like Tashi. It’s been years and it still stings. And now some stupid fucking boy sucking his dick when anyone could just walk in. It’s offensive. Art should probably complain. Tell that loser kids coach or whoever he’s working with that he needs to focus and maybe not fuck around with someone like Patrick Zweig. He cleans up quickly and hurries to go wash his hands.

He spots movement behind him in the mirror and turns to see Patrick walking from the lockers towards the shower. Naked. With only a towel on his head. God how long was he in here? Did he hear Art?

Patrick stops to smirk at him. He’s not hard anymore which means he probably fucked the kid. It’s still so fucking big even when he’s soft. Art swallows. “What do you want?” He manages.

“Nothing. You just look pretty flushed. Are you okay?” He says, grinning (like he knows what Art did). “I thought you went home.” He wraps the extra towel he’s got draped over his shoulder around his waist, covering himself and Art relaxes a bit.

“I am going home,” Art says. “Where’s the dumb kid?”

Patrick laughs, “You know he’s 27, right.”

“Well he’s still a loser,” Art shrugs. He doesn’t care. He hopes he never sees him again. (And that Patrick doesn’t either).

“God, must feel good to walk around with all that power. He got so in his head from your little comment. He wanted to go home. Didn’t even want to finish. It’s like he didn’t even remember how much fun we had last night after drinks.”

Art’s not sure how to take any of that. On one hand he’s mildly satisfied that he sent the kid into a tailspin, but still fucking irritated that he… that he what… that he got to fuck Patrick in the first place? This is so fucked. He can’t want this. He cannot want this.

“Well you’re not dressed yet.” Patrick continues, casually. “You sure you don’t want to join me and clean up in the shower?”

“I uh— uh—“ Art stammers, while he white knuckles the towel on his waist, his heart rate picking up and the distant feeling of arousal that he’d just conquered incredibly stirring again. He wants this. Fuck he wants this. “No I—“

“I’m just teasing,” Patrick shrugs, interrupting before Art can finish. An oddly melancholic expression flitting over his face. And then immediately back to being his usual carefree (careless?) self. If not a little more distant. Formal. “Good night, Donaldson, see you in the final.”

“Good night,” Art says, feeling his stomach sink just a little bit. He wishes he didn’t— but he believes it now with 100 percent certainty that Patrick is right— that they’re both going to end up there.

(Sorry anon that this took so long and also I apologize if this is what you were looking for. It’s been hectic so I didn’t have much time to get to into it— also wanted to leave a little space for canon to canon lol. Art is still so mad that he’s attracted to Patrick he needs to hurt him more 😭)

[ghoulfuckersincorporated]

any thoughts on charon and virgin reader??

As with most questions to which this should not be my response, I have many. This actually isn't the only ask for Charon x Virgin!Reader content, and I'm happy to give you a taste of what I think he'd be like while I finish up the one-shot I have for it.

Charon (Fallout 3) x Virgin!Reader NSFW Headcanons

Pretty terrified of the idea of fucking a virgin. Charon does not fetishize virginity or inexperience, but he won't be disappointed if he finds out you're a virgin...per se. He's disappointed for you that you're choosing him to be the one to take your virginity, even if the concept doesn't mean anything to you. You deserve better than him. Then again, you'd deserve better than him if you weren't a virgin, and you want him anyway, so it's not a deal-breaker by any means. Just don't be shocked if he seems nervous or distracted.

If he doesn't see you take Rad-X with his own eyes beforehand, he'll make you take some, even if you already have. If there's none around, well. Tough. You won't be doing more than fooling around. He's stubborn, and if you've never had sex before, then you've definitely never had sex with a ghoul before and have no way to know how your body will respond. If there's no Radaway for you to use afterwards, same story. No radiation countermeasures, no love.

Tries his best to be sweet, or the closest he can get. It doesn't come naturally to him, kind words and soft touches and such. It never did in his pre-ghoul years so long ago, and the life he's lived since then has only made him harder, colder. Still, he can kiss you softly, pet and caress you as gently as he can. Maybe think of something nice to say (though that is a hard "maybe"). He'll hold your hand when you get nervous and even cuddle with you a little when it's all over, another move that isn't typical of him.

He's worried about how big he is, but he's also just worried about his lack of finesse in general. He's a large, lumbering guy with big, clumsy hands...hands it isn't hard to forget the strength of in the heat of the moment. That looming fear of his own strength isn't an unfounded one; you'll likely come out a little bruised no matter how gentle he tries to be. Spends a lot of his energy during sex holding himself up off of you so he doesn't crush you with his weight if he's on top.

He'll guide you if you want (or need), but by and large, he'll prefer if you're the one in charge. What do you like? How naked do you want to be? What position do you want to be in? If you're so virginal that you're both unknowledgeable as well as inexperienced, and thus unable to provide much input that isn't right in the moment, he's gonna keep things as simple as possible.

Secretly spends the entire first time the two of you have penetrative sex assuming you'll regret it sooner or later. You'd think that would ruin it for him, and it certainly...colors it, but overall he's determined to make the best of what he's been offered and try to show you a decent time. Hopes that if he can at least make it good for you, you might regret it a little less.

Has difficulty finishing. He normally does anyway, as he has trouble relaxing enough to be in the moment a lot of the time. But the problem multiplies tenfold if he knows it's your first time; all the fixating he's doing on you, monitoring you for signs of distress or pain, distracts him from his own pleasure. He might be able to relax enough to cum if you finish him off with your hands or mouth, but he likely won't climax otherwise.

Won't touch you again for at least a few days afterwards. Wants you to have time to properly recuperate more than he wants to feel you wrapped around him again (which is a LOT). Even if you came out of that first time rather intact, he'll treat you like he absolutely savaged you.

The possessive animal part of his brain is suddenly a lot more attached to you afterwards, and he's even more protective than he was previously. It's probably just a coincidence.

[ivyprayedtoday]

Chapter Fifteen: "Friends" (Sabo x Reader)

Chapter Fifteen: "Friends" Warnings: None Chapter Fourteen: I'm Here

Koala knocked on [Name]’s door, her heart hammering slightly. She felt guilty for not saying anything during the incident. Not to mention her lack of care and tact for [Name]’s feelings during the bath. She felt like an absolute jerk for the way she treated [Name].

The door clicked, opening to reveal [Name]. “Koala, what’s up?” 

Koala hesitated for a moment, glancing down at the floor before meeting [Name]'s eyes. She took a deep breath, her voice soft but sincere. “Hey, I just… wanted to apologize… for earlier and everything else. I know I… didn’t put much thought into your feelings when I was telling you to talk to Sabo. I shouldn’t have been so careless.”

[Name] raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised by Koala’s sudden vulnerability. “What do you mean? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Koala's fingers tugged at the hem of her sleeve. “I did. I was so focused on trying to help Sabo that I didn’t realize I should have also been there for you. You’re also my friend, too. I should've seen it, but I was too caught up in my own head. And also… for not jumping in when everyone was ganging up on you, yesterday.”

[Name] hadn’t expected this conversation. Her heart softened at the sight of Koala's regret, but her own guilt lingered, making her hesitant to say too much. Finally, she shrugged lightly, trying to downplay the weight of the moment.

“Oh Koala.” She pulled Koala into a hug, resting her head on her shoulder. “You don’t have to apologize for that. Everything happened all at once.” She let out a small, nervous laugh. “It was a lot for everyone.”

Koala stiffened for a moment, surprised by the sudden embrace. But as [Name] rested her head on her shoulder, Koala's body relaxed, and she allowed herself to melt into the hug. The warmth and softness of [Name]’s presence was a comfort that she hadn’t realized she needed so badly.

“I just... I felt like I was so focused on Sabo and I wasn’t really seeing you,” Koala murmured, her voice small. “It wasn’t right. You were carrying so much, and I didn’t do enough to support you.” She pulled back slightly to look at [Name], her expression apologetic. “I should have seen that.”

[Name] pulled away from the hug, offering her a small, understanding smile. “I’m a grown woman, Koala. I don’t need to babysit. Besides, you can’t blame yourself for not knowing when I didn’t tell you.” [Name] patted Koala’s head. “But thanks. This means a lot. Plus, I’m feeling a lot better.”

Koala's shoulders relaxed at [Name]'s words, but she still couldn't completely shake the feeling that she had let her down. She nodded, her gaze soft but still tinged with concern. 

[Name] smiled gently, giving Koala a reassuring look. “I can see the gears still turning. Come on, let’s go hangout. Maybe look for Hack and Sabo, too. No point in moping about it all. Especially when I have such amazing friends here to support me.”

Before Koala could argue, [Name] grabbed her wrist and started pulling her down the hall. [Name] was clearly in too good of a mood right now to linger on anything gloomy. Her steps were light and almost playful as she tugged Koala along.

“Wait, [Name]!” Koala protested halfheartedly, a smile sneaking onto her face despite herself. “Slow down! I’m not as fast as you!”

[Name] glanced back with a mischievous grin. “You’ve got long legs. You’ll survive. Come on!”

They didn’t have to search long to find Hack sitting outside near the training grounds, a book in his hand and his large frame perched on a stool far too small for him. He glanced up as the two approached, one brow arching in mild surprise.

“You two look cheerful,” Hack commented, though there was a faint hint of amusement in his tone. “Something happen?”

Before either of them could answer, a familiar voice rang out from farther in the yard.

“[Name]! Koala.” Sabo’s voice carried on the breeze as he jogged toward them. His face was flushed, sweat glistening from what must have been an intense training session. He slowed as he approached, his gaze flickering briefly between [Name] and Koala. “What are you two up to?”

[Name] rolled her eyes dramatically, crossing her arms. “Oh, nothing. Just saving this one from sulking.” She jerked her thumb toward Koala, though her teasing tone carried no bite.

Koala let out a mock gasp, feigning offense. “Me? Sulking? Never!” She placed a hand on her chest in exaggerated shock. 

[Name] interrupted, pulling Koala into a side hug. “We wanted to see what you guys were up to.”

Sabo’s gaze lingered on [Name] for a beat longer than necessary, his lips parting slightly as if to say something before he thought better of it. 

He shook his head, smiling softly. “Not much. Just blowing off steam.”

“Looks like it,” [Name] teased lightly, eyeing the sweat soaking into his collar. “You look like you ran through a storm.”

Sabo chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Something like that.”

Their gazes locked again, and for a moment, time seemed to stretch. There was something about the way they looked at each other, hesitant yet curious, as if searching for the answer to a question. It was awkward in a quiet, pleasant sort of way.

Koala raised a brow, clearly noticing the shift in the atmosphere. She opened her mouth to say something snarky when Hack, of all people, cleared his throat loudly.

“Ahem,” Hack said, his stoic face betraying a faint blush. “Did anyone hear the news about Ivankov?”

[Name] and Sabo snapped their heads toward Hack in unison, momentarily pulled out of their strange, lingering silence.

“What happened to her?” Sabo asked, unbuttoning the first two buttons of his shirt to cool off.

[Name] glanced, just for a second, but long enough to commit the sight to memory. Nothing wrong with looking at the goods, right?

“She was arrested and sent to Impel Down,” Hack stated grimly, his tone low.

“What?!” [Name] nearly shouted, her eyes widening in disbelief. “No way! How did that even happen?”

Hack shrugged, closing his book and resting it on his knee. “No clue, but she sent us a message saying she’ll be staying there for the time being. Didn’t seem like it was urgent and Dragon didn’t look too worried about it.”

[Name] frowned, the initial shock of the news simmering into confusion. “She sent a message? From Impel Down?”

Hack nodded, his expression as calm as ever. “That’s what I heard. You know how she is, always making the impossible look easy.”

Sabo furrowed his brows, his frustration shifting into reluctant amusement. “That does sound like Ivankov. But still… staying there voluntarily? What’s her game?”

[Name] sighed, crossing her arms tightly. Despite Hack’s reassurance, she couldn’t help but feel a pang of unease. Ivankov was practically like an older sister to her… well, if you ignored the massive age gap. She was too youthful and wild to be considered a mother figure, but her wisdom, confidence, and endless energy made her an irreplaceable role model in [Name]’s life.

“Well, if Dragon isn’t worried, I’m sure it’s fine,” [Name] said, though her tone lacked conviction. She paused, then added with a hint of determination, “I’ll ask him about it later, just in case.”

Koala nudged her lightly, sensing the lingering tension. “I’m sure Ivankov knows what she’s doing. She’s not exactly the type to let herself be backed into a corner. And if she is up to something, it’s probably part of some wild plan only she understands.”

Sabo nodded in agreement, though his expression remained serious. “Yeah. If Ivankov’s making a move, there’s a reason for it. We just need to trust her for now.”

[Name] allowed herself a small smile, their words offering her a sliver of comfort. “You’re probably right. It is Ivankov, after all. She’s unstoppable.”

Hack stood, his towering form casting a shadow over the group as he stretched his arms lazily. “That’s the spirit. You’ll hear more when Dragon decides to share. For now, focus on what’s in front of you. Things will start moving soon enough.”

The three of them exchanged glances, sensing the truth in Hack’s words. Something about the calm before the storm always left an uneasy feeling in the air, and no matter how much reassurance they gave each other, they all knew it wouldn’t last forever.

Sabo broke the silence, offering a small grin to lighten the mood. “Well, if Ivankov’s pulling stunts in Impel Down, I say we make bets on how long it takes her to turn the place upside down.”

Koala laughed softly. “A week at most. She’s probably already made half the guards her fans.”

[Name] smirked, the tension in her shoulders finally easing a little. “I’ll take that bet. Three days, tops.”

Sabo raised an eyebrow, his grin widening. “Oh, confident, are we? Alright, I’ll say five days. Ivankov doesn’t like to rush a good show.”

Hack shook his head at the trio, though there was a ghost of a smile on his face. “You’re all impossible.”

As they fell into lighthearted banter, the unease faded. They laughed and teased each other, content to know their friend was all right.

Suddenly, a small explosion echoed from the base, and [Name] was the first to react, bolting to her feet.

“Let me check on Shun,” she called over her shoulder, already halfway gone.

The three were left staring after her retreating silhouette. Koala giggled at [Name]’s sudden exit while Sabo shouted, ‘Be careful!’ after her.

Koala turned back to Sabo with a knowing smirk. “So, how are things with you and [Name]?”

Sabo didn’t pay her much mind at first, still watching where [Name] had run off. “The usual,” he replied casually.

Koala crossed her arms, unimpressed. “The ‘usual,’ huh? Well, you can button up your shirt now.”

Sabo flinched, his cheeks flushing as he scrambled to cover his chest. “I was… hot! I’ve been training all day, you know.”

“Sure,” Koala teased, tilting her head. “Though, it looked like she was checking you out.”

Sabo practically jumped from his spot, grabbing Koala by the shoulders. “She did?! When?”

Koala snickered at his sudden lack of composure. “So much for ‘the usual,’ huh?”

Realizing he got played, Sabo let go of her, taking a step back and clearing his throat. He looked down, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Fine… Maybe not the ‘usual.’ But we’re good. Really good.”

Koala’s teasing smile softened. She understood what he meant. The news of [Name]’s background had been a shock to everyone, herself included, but it was clear that sharing that secret had lifted a weight off her shoulders. They were all closer now.

“It’d be even better if the two of you finally got together,” she teased again, though her words carried a hint of sincerity.

Sabo’s smile faltered for a moment, his eyes betraying something deeper before he looked away. “We’re better as friends,” he said quietly. “I won’t lie, I’d love for it to be more but I know better than to push her. What [Name] needs right now is a friend, not a relationship to weigh her down. I’d never want to be a burden to her. If things aren’t meant to be, then… I guess they’re just not meant to be.” He paused, forcing a small smile. “Or at least, that’s what I keep trying to tell myself.”

Koala’s shoulders slumped. She hated seeing her friend like this, but she knew better than to push too hard. She’d learned her lesson the last time she pried back at the bath with [Name].

“That’s why you were unbuttoning your shirt?” she muttered with a small eye roll.

Sabo’s hand shot up defensively. “Listen, I didn’t do that on purpose! I was training! And…” His voice trailed off as he turned slightly away, his ears tinged red. “I can’t help it, alright? I want her to look at me more than just a friend. I really do want to be supportive and give her space, but she’s just… too irresistibly… hot.”

Koala stared at him, blinking. Then she snorted. “You’re hopeless.”

“Maybe,” Sabo admitted softly, exhaling as he crossed his arms. “But even if she doesn’t see me that way, I’ll still be here for her. As her friend. That’s what matters most.”

Despite his words, Koala couldn’t miss the small, wishful look in Sabo’s eyes, the one he couldn’t quite bury, no matter how hard he tried.

[daflangstlairde-art]

"she ain't worth a goddamn in anyone else's hands" 5,334 words

Part 2 of ocean depths

Work Summary:

Nightmare was all, all Killer had. He defined Killer’s entire world. He was the most important thing to Killer. But, just as well, at the end of the day — even if in a very different way — Killer was all Nightmare had. — Being left in the Antivoid is just as much of a torture as you’d imagine. Real torture.

Credits, warnings and additional info on ao3.

—

Killer wasn't sad when first Horror and then Dust ditched their operation.

It didn't happen fast, nor at the same time, but it happened. It wasn't a shock. And he wasn't sad. He wasn't. He wasn't. He couldn't be. 

As he stalked the halls of the dark castle, he felt nothing. 

It was emptier than ever. 

There was no longer Horror to cook warm soup and to splinter wood with a cleaver. He was introduced to some universe of farmboys. He left. He cared for his own universe, which remained alive. 

There was no longer Dust to shadow him because company was better than the emptiness. He was harder for those Stars to convince, but apparently, Underfell admired violence and strength. Apparently, he was being “rehabilitated”. 

And, well! We all know how Nightmare was. He had always been above them. Killer could linger in his company only if allowed. 

There was... nobody. 

Nobody. 

Just massive, spanning walls of dark, cold stone. The rare slits of light only enough to illuminate the particles of dust in the air, really. It was all abandoned. Silent and dead. Empty. 

Desolate. 

Familiar. 

...Haha. Hahahah. 

How funny. 

Killer kept ending up in dead ends. 

—

He sat at the kitchen table. 

He laid down on his bed. 

He wandered the halls.

Emptiness of emptiness of emptiness.

Bored. 

Killer wasn't sad. Killer couldn't be sad. Sadness was... it was a sincere emotion. 

Killer was drowning in the dark, dark depths. 

Killer felt emptier than ever.

It's like he wasn't even real. 

—

“If you don't get your act straight, you’ll keep messing everything up.” Nightmare growled, tentacles holding Killer aloft and pinned to the wall by his throat. 

Missions were boring. It was the same, all the same. Hurting and ruining and sometimes killing. All alone. All repetitive. 

But Killer was Nightmare’s one loyal tool left. The only one. 

Of course the Stars tried to break him too. Of course they offered many things that... probably sounded appealing to others. Like forgiveness, or help, or freedom. 

Killer didn't care about those. Killer didn't care about the Stars. He didn't even know what their deal was! He had never particularly cared, and only really knew the most vague of details. Because none of it mattered to him. 

Nightmare was the only thing that mattered. He was all Killer had. All. 

...And Killer was all Nightmare had left. 

Killer chuckled low, even as the restriction around his throat tightened painfully. 

“Anything for you baby,” he teased, because it drove Nightmare up the wall with annoyance. It earned Killer the prize of pain, just like he wanted it to. He was discovering being provocative and crude made people react hilariously. 

Missions were a fog. He lacked drive, he lacked interest, he lacked attention. On missions, heck, in everyday life, Killer was in a fugue state. 

But he didn't need a brain! He just had to do as told.

Nightmare says kill, you kill. 

—

“Why are you still fighting for him?!” Blue yelled, trying to keep up in parrying each of Killer’s violent slashes. “He doesn't care about you! He– he’s awful to you! I don't understand you!” 

Killer just started laughing in his face. 

Slash, stab, attack and attack and attack. Again, and again, and again and again, repeat upon repeat. 

All the same. All meaningless. All horrible. 

—

“I heard them talking about some ‘Cross’ guy,” Killer mentioned, twirling a knife, its point against his fingertip. 

Nightmare paused in his irritated pacing, and for a moment Killer was sure he would get another “Shut the hell up while I’m thinking” for his generous efforts to help his boss. 

Instead,

“...Cross, huh?” Nightmare hummed, considering. 

—

They beat the Stars to it and now, once again, after weeks and weeks of emptiness, there was finally someone else in the castle. 

And Cross was even fun to poke fun at! 

“What’s got you so angsty?” Killer teased, tailing the guy into the kitchen. 

“Leave me alone,” Cross dismissed him all huffy. He had this stoic attitude going on. Not very fun, except when Killer got it to crack. He was still exploring which buttons gave him the best reactions — honestly, he didn't know much about this Cross guy, and didn't care particularly to learn about his tragic backstory or whatever. 

“I don't think I will,” Killer hummed, as Cross started searching through the cabinets. 

“Is this place just empty?” Cross muttered to himself. 

“Like my soul,” Killer joked. Ah, a classic. 

Cross gave him a flat look and continued searching. “Where is all the food?” 

“Oh the guy who did that left,” Killer replied. 

“Did... food?” Cross turned around to look at him. 

“Yeah, that was his thing,”

“And you... what, don't?” 

Killer shrugged. “Nope, I'm not into it,” he chuckled, and Cross groaned. 

“Why are you like this?” he demanded, exasperated. “Aren't you, I don't know, uh, in a–” and then he seemed to reconsider his words. Frowning. “...What is the deal with you and Nightmare?”

Killer started laughing so hard he teared up.

Cross disregarded him.

—

Knock-knock-knock at the door. Cheerful as ever. Waiting for the multiple locks on the inside to be unlocked, even when Killer could've just used a shortcut right in. That's to signify he’s coming with no violent intent, or whatever. Well. Minor violent intent maybe, haha.

The door opened, and immediately Red grimaced. 

“H–!” 

“DUST!” Red yelled to the inside of the house. “NIGHTMARE’S BITCH IS AT THE DOOR!” 

“What?” called muffled from inside. 

“ONE OF Y’ FUCKIN’ MANIAC FRIENDS!” 

Killer laughed. Maybe someone else would've been hurt. He wasn't. Both of those statements were delightfully true.

—

There was one little problem. A little thorn in Killer’s side. Not enough to change his modus operandi — again, emotionless and uncaring — but enough to be noticeable. Enough to be annoying. 

“Cross, you're in charge of this mission,” Nightmare stated. 

“Yes sir.” 

That thorn was called Cross and Killer might just hate him. 

Before Killer could stop gaping and reply, Nightmare was already gone, leaving them in some random forest (not unusual, not important). 

“Let's go.” Cross turned to walk in some direction for some reason. 

“What– do you know where we are??” Killer sputtered, waving his knife. 

“No.” Cross didn't even look at him, like he was better or something. 

That wouldn't do. 

Killer grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. 

“Then why are you ‘in charge’?” he asked, so very friendly.

“Because I don't fuck off to do whatever I want every time?” Cross raised a brow ridge. Ohohoo, some spunk in him today! “Because I'm an actually good henchman and don't talk back constantly?” 

Oh the nerve of this guy. Heh. Heheheh! Hilarious! 

In fact, Killer was chuckling. He was laughing. He was hysterical. 

“You?” he gasped. “Whatever gets you off, puppet boy!”

Because there were a few easy answers to Cross’ question from awhile ago. 

What was their relationship? Easy. 

Killer was Nightmare’s. His yes-man, his victim, his tool, his loyal toy, his lackey, the only one who stayed. His bitch, to put it oh-so-elegantly. Everybody knew that. 

—

“What have you done with Cross?!” Dream demanded, parrying Killer’s attacks beat for beat. That guy was not to be underestimated, which Killer was admittedly guilty of! What could he say? These positive, soft types never went for the kill — how can you be truly afraid of them? 

It's not like he felt much fear, anyway. That was reserved for a special someone. 

“Horrible things!” Killer exclaimed, laughing. “He's suffering as we speak!” 

“What?!” Dream exclaimed, horrified.

(Cross was probably just sleeping. There wasn't much else to do when you're stuck at the castle and need to pass the time.) 

“Terrible!” Killer nodded, dodging to the side and using the movement to try shanking Dream. It was evaded. 

“Where is he?!” 

“Where do you think?” Killer teased. “Same as always! He's not some treasure to be hidden,” 

“Oh,” Dream was caught off guard by that. Probably wasn't expecting it. That meant he also wasn't expecting the knife Killer stabbed into his shoulder, haha. 

—

Killer’s gotta give it to the Stars. Having experience with Horror and Dust, they retrieved Cross pretty efficiently this time. 

—

Killer’s skull slammed into the wall behind him so hard the pain reverberated through it and echoed throughout his body. He groaned, a gutteral drawn out sound. The tentacle that’d grabbed him by the throat now also lifted him off his feet by it, in that uncomfortable way where Killer’s body dangled and felt like it’s about to drop away from his head. 

“HOW DID THEY KNOW HE WAS HERE?” Nightmare demanded, shoving rage and disgust and fear into Killer’s soul like it's nothing, like it doesn't drown him. 

“How am– I supposed– to know?” Killer choked out, grinning, hands clutching onto the tentacle in a poor attempt to hold himself up a little, to loosen the pressure. He was barely able to think through the onslaught of horror and misery. It was like a diseased, starving, feral animal clawing at his body. Unrelenting with you're horrible disgusting scum you're going to die die die you are going to SUFFER there is no escape you– 

“You useless tool!” Nightmare pulled him away from the hard stone wall, only to slam him against it, and again and again and again until Killer was crying out with the pain. Everything was ringing with the building concussion. It was a little difficult to hear whatever Nightmare was saying through it, pardon Killer’s manners, but it sounded something like “This is your fault, isn't it?!” 

In case it wasn't clear, Nightmare was really pissed. This whole weakening of his forces seemed to be really getting to him. How sad. 

Killer blinked against the shapes swimming in his vision. He could feel that hateful substance trickling, leaking even, from his eyes down his face. Warm. No, it was cold. He could never quite decide. The probably-blood oozing down the back of his skull was certifiably warm, however. 

“That’s very– presumptuous of you–” he struggled out, breathing heavily, breathing through the pain and the merciless barrage of rancid emotions. Grin widening. “I can see you’re– angry, baby– are you hhngh on your period?” 

Nightmare was livid. Killer started laughing, even as there were great efforts being put to choking him out. 

“Shut. Up.” Nightmare said, cold and reverberating off the walls until it surrounds you. He lowered Killer down slowly, but didn't let go of him — it was just so Killer wasn't held aloft anymore, but rather, Nightmare, with all his engulfing darkness, loomed over him. “Need I remind you betrayal. Isn't. Tolerated?” 

Killer couldn't help but snort and cackle at that, past the rancid, cloying smell of death from Nightmare’s general aura.

“Betrayal?” he exclaimed. “Me? Please. You and I both know I'm all you really have.” 

There was the kicker. 

Nightmare was all, all Killer had. He defined Killer’s entire world. He was the most important thing to Killer. 

But, just as well, at the end of the day — even if in a very different way — Killer was all Nightmare had. 

He was the only one truly allied with Nightmare. Not through force or violence or threats, none of that — because he wanted to be. Because Killer was an empty husk of a being and adored the force and the violence and the threats and the fear. A living wound that only exists when it's bleeding. 

Nightmare knew that Killer knew that. But Killer knew that Nightmare knew it too. They both knew where they stood. They both knew Nightmare could leverage whatever suffering he wanted against Killer and that Killer would only enjoy it the worse it is. Killer only did as told when he enjoyed it, because he wanted to. He misbehaved for the very same reason. 

Killer was so ruined through his own fault. There was nowhere further Nightmare could ruin him. Nightmare couldn't hurt him because Killer hurt himself, and Nightmare was just the most intense, most effective, most convenient way to do it. 

That's why Nightmare’s glare narrowed. That's why the tentacle holding Killer’s neck loosened, letting him exhale and inhale deeply. 

“You're not as clever as you think you are, loudmouth.” Nightmare spoke slowly. Promising danger. He always carried out his promises. He was cute like that. 

...Except. 

Except it wasn't what Killer expected. It wasn't sickening, merciless violence. It wasn't choking suffering. It wasn't burning agony. It wasn't animalistic fear. 

It was... white. 

Just white. 

Endless, shapeless white. 

All it took was a moment for Killer to be brought there, and a second one for Nightmare to be gone, and then it was just Killer and the endless white abyss. 

He exhaled, standing amidst it all. It was so much larger than anything that could be conceived, and yet. And yet it was empty. 

Hah. Hahahah. 

Like his soul. 

...It was always... a strange experience. The way the emotion would rise, like a tidal wave. A split second explosion of anger-hate-fear-despair at the devouring vastness, at the fact that he was just ditched there. When Nightmare knew he despised the emptiness. Or, rather, precisely because he knew how much Killer hated it. 

And just as quickly it would be gone. Like a sudden electrical surge that blew out the fuse. And he was numb as ever. All the feelings he may have felt about this just the lingering buzz in the non-air. Only serving to make him even more aware of the nothing that remained, that lingered. 

Killer couldn’t parse whether being stranded in the Antivoid was a worse or better hell than the Void. He supposed it didn’t particularly matter. 

He sat down on the concept of a “ground”. 

He didn’t even have a shadow. It was all empty. It was all nothing. 

He didn’t have the energy to laugh. He laid down, staring up at the whiteness (as opposed to the whiteness to the side, or even: the whiteness down below). 

—

Being left in the Antivoid is just as much of a torture as you’d imagine. Real torture. 

It’s... familiar. In the worst of ways, You hate “familiar”. You hate the staleness, the sameness, the stillness. It’s all the same, for hours upon hours upon hours. 

Haha. Funny how you keep ending up in dead ends. 

It’s more barren than your own universe. It’s more repetitive and deprived than hundreds of repetitions of the same goddamn day remembered with crystal clarity. It’s not warm and it’s not cold. It’s not nice, and it’s not even painful.

If the Antivoid was painful, that would’ve been a mercy to you.

The emptiness devours you whole. It rips you up piece by piece. Slow and deliberate, unbothered by the passage of time, which makes sense, because it’s not like time changes anything at all around here. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been here. It couldn't have been that long, but it already feels like weeks. The void spaces have that effect on people. It’s by definition. Here, eternity is stored in every second. 

You sleep, mostly, to pass the time. 

When you’re awake, you self-destruct. Your mind is starved and desperate, looking for something something something to grasp but there is nothing. It’s just you. You engrave your own bones with sharp points. You claw at your being. You seek and seek and seek and you find nothing but yourself, until your self is indistinguishable from the nothing as well. 

You feel like screaming just to hear something, but nothingness has no voice.

—

You wake up. Again. All the same every time. Repetitions for eternity. You despise abstract concepts, except you don’t, because emptiness doesn’t contain emotions. 

...Except. 

“Good thing it’s not Error who found you first!” Ink jokes, standing over you all cheery. He’s... he’s colorful.

It takes you several moments to remember that, conceptually, you have a body, and you leap to your feet. 

“Woah there buddy!” exclamation mark in his eye, Ink stumbles back so you don’t ram your head into his accidentally, but that triggers some desperation in you and you grab him by the scarf and yank him back. 

The feeling of something material in your hand, something that isn’t you, is like a shock. Except you still feel nothing. You just stare at the bunched up fabric. 

Ink remains in place, a little awkward. In a position showing he’s unsure what you’re up to, whether to be prepared for an attack. You consider attacking. You feel nothing about the concept.

“Heeeeyyyy,” Ink draws out, regaining his nonchalant cheer with a blink. “Yyyoou okay there...?” 

How are you supposed to answer that? The question strikes you as absurd. Nonsensical. You laugh even though you feel no amusement. That’s normal for you. 

“...Right,” Ink clears his throat. “Sssooo whatcha up to? Where’s Nightmare?” he asks, mostly curious. Ink has always struck you as a weirdo freak, something off about his reactions, but you’ve never thought about it too deeply. 

You shrug. You’re still holding his scarf. You’re unsure why. You don’t particularly care and he doesn’t seem to mind it either, so. No reason to stop. 

(He’s real he’s tangible he’s something different he’s something something something–)

“Well I’m just passing by, I’ll be out in a–” 

“If you so much as think about leaving I’ll stab you through the spine.” you immediately counter, calmly threatening. 

“Awww if you wanted company you could’ve just said so!” Ink takes it in stride, and again, off reactions. It’s the most interesting thing that has happened in what feels like eternity so you latch onto it. 

“You’re weird.” you point out. 

Ink laughs. “Yeah, I get that a lot! Part of having a creative nature,” he strikes a pose all cheeky, eye light in the shape of a sparkle. You’re still holding him by the scarf. “Soooo what have you been up to??” he asks, rocking back and forth on his feet all silly. 

You gesture around with a flat expression. “Nothing,” 

Ink snorts. “How long have you been here?” he prods you (literally, with a finger, which you allow because he’s physical and here and real).

You shrugs. “Not like I can keep track,” you huff. 

“Yeesh. You gotta be careful with that one, spend too long and the glitching disease will get to you,” Ink says like he’s joking, except that is literally a fact. People go insane and corrupted in the void spaces. 

You consider demanding from Ink to get you out of here. 

...You remember you have nowhere to go. 

You remember how livid Nightmare was. And how much more powerful he is than you. And how he owns your soul. And how if he wants you to be here, here you will be, so there’s not really a point to it. Everything always ends up like this for you, huh? Everything always the same, and always horrible, until none of it matters. That’s how your existence has always been, and how it always will be. 

“Need me to get you somewhere?” Ink offers, lifting his brush, like he was on a similar train of thought but departed a few stations earlier.

“...I’ve stabbed you several times,” you point out like an echo of amusement, because Ink is best described as quirky. And again, considering circumstances, it’s currently the most interesting thing in your life. What a tragedy. 

“Yeah...?” Ink prompts with a question mark in his eye, like he isn't seeing how that relates to his question at all. 

You tilt your head. 

“Why do you want to help me?” you ask, because the closest thing to emotion you have right now is curiosity-fascination. Though that doesn't say much, considering it just as distant as everything else. “We're enemies, or something,”

“Oh!” Ink exclaims. “Oh I don't really care,” he shrugs. “I mean, I guess that's the narrative, yeah! But it's not like I hate you personally or something,” he chuckles. 

Weirdo freak. 

You've never cared to learn anything about the Stars. You realize you barely even know their tragic backstories. You still don't particularly care, but Ink is a natural yapper, so maybe you can use him to fill the silence.

(Until he leaves, of course. Until you are left alone. You are always left alone.)

“You don't find my actions abhorrent? Not how I've killed hundreds? Not how I enjoy torturing others?” you seek for the buttons to press, grinning. You recall that yeah, Ink is a lot more difficult to get a rise out of compared to the other two, who are so openly emotional. 

“I mean,” Ink scratches his skill. “On one hand, a good story needs villains. On the other hand, the best narratives are about how good triumphs in the end, and so you need someone to be that component as well. In that sense, I am against it!” he concludes. “Although works that explore dark endings are also fascinating and have their own merit,” he considers. “Like tragedies, or darkgrim stories. They–” he starts rambling, distracted by the topic. 

It's interesting for maybe a second. It quickly stops being so. You can't bring yourself to care about whatever he's talking about, or to want to.

You consider attacking him, again. But then he might leave, depending on whether he has something else to do instead or not. 

“Are the other two coming around?” you interrupt, though Ink doesn't seem offended that you completely ignored his spiel. 

“Hm? Uh, I don't think so, why?” he asks in turn. Damn, that means they have no business around here. Though, after a brief pause, Ink’s eyes widen and he exclaims a “Wait!” 

He tries to pull away but you hold onto the fabric of his scarf tighter, summoning a knife in a kind reminder of your threat. Ink lifts his palms placatingly, chuckling. 

“Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere!” he assures. “I’ll just call them over too and then we can all... talk!” 

Oh. 

That meant he was going to seize the opportunity to try and “reason” with you like they did with Horror and Dust. Again. Like you didn't laugh in their faces every previous time. Respect for the persistence? 

“You do realize that won't work, right?” you generously point it out to Ink. 

He blinks.

“I’m not betraying Nightmare,” you snort. 

Ink tilts his head. “Why?”

He asks it so simply. No “You know he doesn't love you, right?”, no “But he's awful to you!”, none of that. Maybe that's why you answer him. 

“Because,” you say, almost amused, shrugging. You're unsure how to finish that. You're unsure how to explain, so you just say the truth — “I don't care about anything else,” 

Ink is looking at you curiously now, his previous idea of calling for backup seemingly forgotten, which is typical for him. 

He sits on the ground. He pats the ground in an invite. You sit down too, mostly because you're still holding his scarf. 

“Nothing? Really?” Ink asks, pulling his leg closer to rest his chin on his knee. 

“Nope!” 

“You don't have a family?” 

You burst out laughing. You pretend to wipe a tear, even.

“What? Do you know nothing?” you exclaim, cackling. 

Ink is just staring at you with question marks. 

“Know what?” he asks. What an idiot. You'd roll your eyes if you had any. At best, you manage to mimick the action. 

“I killed them all,” you say easily. “Many, many times,” 

“...Oh. Right.” Ink seems to remember. “But why??” 

Huh. Apparently Killer wasn't the only one who couldn't give a flying fuck to learn anything about his supposed enemies. 

Killer sighs dreamily, “To listen to their sweet sweet cries of pain,”

Ink grimaces. “Oh. Really??? You come from a twist on the original timeline though, right?” he asks, frowning in confusion. “The classic version of Sans is not like that,” 

“Clearly I'm not the classic version of Sans,” Killer pointed out flatly, and to emphasize the point, he gestured to his soul. You know. The one that is nothing like a monster’s or a human’s. 

“Oooohhhhh,” Ink nodded along, hand reaching forward– Killer flinched. Body immediately strung tight, ready for the barrage of suffering that always followed when his soul was grasped and squeezed and– 

But he was so baffled by the action, he let it happen. 

Ink pulled his hand back, however, staring at his face. 

Killer snorted, and moved his hand to offer his soul, that wretched thing. It's not like he cared if anyone did anything to it. Or hurt it. 

(His soul. His being. His self. The essence and shape of his existence condensed into one. The most vulnerable part of you. The most you part of you.)

“Go on,” you shrug. “Not like I care,” 

Ink hesitantly reaches out a hand to prod the cursed thing. It feels just as uncomfortable and bad as you'd imagine, to have your soul poked. He pulls his hand back. 

“...Well,” Ink starts, “at least you have one?” he offers, chuckling. “Better than nothing!” 

You tilt your head. That's a strange way to say that.

“What, you don't?” 

“Nope!” Ink says as easily as you would.

It's your turn to blink and stare. At his neutrally cheerful grin.

And suddenly... it does make sense. The sense of emptiness behind half his expressions. The lack of care where others would have at least some. The odd view of the world. His flat affect, even if it was a positive one.

...Huh. 

Ink was telling the truth. He was soulless. 

You raise a hand to where yours returned to the middle of your chest. Always sitting in front of it. Always bare. Detached from the rest of you. 

“...How?” 

“Just never had one,” Ink shrugs.

You can only think of one other soulless creature — that yellow flower. 

But... it doesn't make sense. The wretched flower reached the point of destroying everything, over and over again, to curb the nothingness and boredom. You reached the point of destroying everything, over and over again, to curb the nothingness and boredom. 

Yet here Ink was. Playing as one of the so-called “good guys”. 

“Then how do you feel?” you press the issue. 

“Oh? I’m good!” Ink says cheerfully. 

“No– how do you feel feelings if you're soulless?” you huff.

“Huh? Oh!” Ink exclaims, and then takes out one of those colorful vials he carries on a sash everywhere he goes. “I don’t! Not naturally, anyway. I have these to help me!” he shakes the little vial — yellow, barely anything remaining inside. They're all in different quantities.

You frown. “What? How? Are they magic?” you reach to take the vial but Ink pulls it back. Now that's interesting.

“Sort of?” Ink squints at the vial. “They correspond to different emotions, but I think they only work on me,” 

...Of course. 

You let go of his scarf. 

You consider fighting him to snatch one of the vials and try it anyway. You know it's pointless, however.

The disappointment is crushing. You feel like a drug addict who was just handed a bag overflowing with white powder only to discover it's flour. 

“You should leave before I dice you into dust.”

The disappointment is crushing. 

Hah. Hahahah. As if. As if it could be as easy as drinking some paint. Of course not. When has your life ever been easy? No, you are doomed to be like this forever. You knew this. It's downright hilarious you thought (hoped), even for less than a moment, that there could be anything else. 

It's so funny you're chuckling.

It's so funny you're laughing. 

When Ink leaves, you're still howling with laughter, black liquid streaming down your face.

—

The quiet around here was deafening. It was starting to make Killer hyperaware of every quiet rustle of clothing from every little movement. Several times he caught himself starting to talk to himself, trying to fill the quiet with jokes or something. But that was a slippery slope, so he shut the hell up. If he didn't talk, hopefully nothing would start replying. He refused to get corrupted by the glitches. 

Luckily — and that is a weird descriptor — Ink returned. For some known-only-to-him reason. 

“Why the hell are you back?” Killer asked, not bothering to get up this time. Just laying on his back. He's here on a vacay. 

“Well!” Ink said, and judging by the changing direction of his voice, he was moving around. “The empty white is literal torture, isn't it?” he chuckled.

“What would you know,” Killer mimed rolling his eyes. Wasn't Ink some almighty creator? He could just hurl some ink around and it wouldn't be white anymore.

Ink laughed. “Oh trust me, I know,” 

Killer felt like he was missing something. 

“Can't you just, I don't know, paint it?” 

“Yep! That's what I'm doing right now!” Ink explained cheerfully. Killer pushed himself up to look, now.

Huh. Yeah. Ink was going around with his brush, using the white space as a big canvas. Killer squinted, unable to decipher what exactly he was drawing, besides some colors and shapes. Red and pink, blue in different shades, yada yada. 

“...What is it,” Killer observed Ink’s movements, walking around him, deliberate but free flowing. 

“Just whatever feels right,” Ink shrugged. “The different hues have different, you know, vibes, depending on how you mix them, how you use them against one another– oh can you step to the side there?” 

He did, getting to his feet and stepping aside.

“Thanks!” Ink said, filling in the spot. 

Killer squinted, still trying to figure out what it all was. The warm colors looked like a flame maybe...? 

He kept watching Ink work for a few more moments. It was weird, to be alone with someone, without a constant background thrum of negativity. Killer couldn't call it pleasant, but... it was better than the emptiness. 

Suddenly he was hauled up and his reflexes immediately fired off, magic materializing in an immediate attack and just as soon he was dropped. 

“Wow you are jumpy!” Ink exclaimed, holding the wound that Killer cut into him. It didn't seem too deep, mostly due to Ink’s durability. He was standing on top of a short pillar of ink. 

“Don't forget who you're talking to,” Killer threatened with a low tone, grin stretching as he gripped a sharp, sharp knife in hand. 

“Whoops!” Ink didn't seem all too affected. “Don't you wanna see what it is though?” he leaned on a hand, all silly. 

...

Killer accepted being lifted up by a glob of ink, mildly curious. 

He stared at the splatter on the white ground. 

It was a moth. In shades of icy, hopeless blue. Surrounded by scorching red flames. Huh. Okay them. Pretty cool, or something. At least it was colorful. 

Ink put him back down on the ground. With his hands on his hips, he admired his own work, chuckling.

“It’s nice to fill the emptiness, don't you think?” 

Killer had never bothered caring about the Stars. He didn't care about them as people, what they felt or what they thought. 

He... never would've expected to find understanding with one of them. 

“...Yeah,” he said quietly. “Yeah, it is.”

—

.

.

.

“ARGH we’re too late?!” Dream blurted out. 

“Huh, I could've sworn he seemed to be staying here for longer,” Ink commented, much less affected. 

“The one time he and Nightmare aren’t attached at the hip–” Dream continued groaning. 

“Maybe Nightmare sensed we were planning to talk to him–?” Blue suggested, trying to investigate the nearly empty white space. All that remained were splotches from Ink’s activities. No Killer in sight. 

Dream sighed loudly, rubbing his face, greatly dejected. “That's... possible,” he breathed.

“We should've come here sooner,” Blue put his hands on his hips. 

“He wasn't very happy with the idea,” Ink shrugged. 

“It’s... we’ll have another opportunity,” Dream concluded. He had to stay positive and hopeful. “No matter how long we need to wait, we’ll figure out how to help them,” he remained determined.

[system-of-a-feather]

Man I really like this post cause honestly, same. I don't think we were "as large or complex" (" " cause I don't really see benefit in comparing and those terms are subjective, but stating this largely because I don't think we had as much of an issue with this as it sounds like you did) but honestly after we got past like 14 parts and a certain level of recovery / discovery of subsystems and sidesystems, it really really stopped being both worth it to really even bother counting. All we can really say is that at its most it was "at least 30" and that isn't me saying +/- 5 or even 10 or even like 20, but just that trying to differentiate the Mes from the Not Mes from the Kind of Mes from the Absolutely Not Me At All is so ridiculously convoluted and likely to bring up conflict that anything more than the "somewhere between 30 and a shit ton" is too much work.

Even now, our system is a system of Zero, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, or Ever Changing of "somewhere between 30 and a shit ton"; or as we'd like to say if anyone were to ask "a system of one or many depending on how you look at it" with how our plurality works now. I'm extremely happy with that answer.

On top of all that you already said, a thing that I thought about while reading this was how a lot of people - or at least I did - think fusion tends to happen after you know EVERYTHING about EVERY part and know EVERYTHING about yourself and can cohesively and perfectly blend EVERY part of EVERYTHING you know about yourself, but like... I didn't know how many parts I had when I was functionally multiple, when I was fully fused, and now, I still can't really tell you other than that we often identify as a system of one (and sometimes zero if we are being honest and coy - for a lack of better words - about it; I could go on a long tangent about that, which if anyones interested, I can, but on my own post XD)

Honestly, even after fusion I was / am still finding parts and learning about them and exploring them. That isn't to say they are split or not fused into me, because they absolutely are - but that I was simply not aware or connected with those parts as they preferred to remain quiet and unacknowledged most of the time we were individual and its only now, when I can fully leverage the rest of the system, do I find myself safe and comfortable and stable enough to actually hold space to express and be those parts.

Tangential point to your post that I was thinking of and wanted to add was just that like... in regards to splitting, fusion, headcounts and fusion and all that; learning about yourself is an ongoing process that doesn't begin or stop with being plural or fusing. The way and nature of how you learn about yourself may change depending on if you are plural, singular, or fused and what not, but learning about yourself is a universal experience and its absolutely normal and absolutely human to not know everything about yourself. Even the most stable most introspective and oldest person in the world has things to learn about themselves and I just kinda wanted to throw that out there to the world.

Anyways, per usual, great post ^^

How Many Was I, Anyway?

Some reflections on the system I used to be.

To this day, I don't know how many selves I was. I don't know how many parts, how many "not-me"s, existed in my system. I never will.

We never got an exact count.

And... that's for the best.

My system was very, very polyfragmented and complex. A lot of therapists, including dissociative specialists, dropped me because of it. A member of the ISSTD even retired after working with me for a few weeks. My system was always in conflict with itself and my parts were always fighting, a lot of us resented each other.

It was really overwhelming.

Trying to get any kind of sense of how many parts of me there were was an impossible task. And one that proved to be, well... counterproductive at best.

Fixating on the numbers made my system more and more distressed. It felt like we would never recover, there were too many parts, too many fragments and little pieces to pick up.

So we stopped counting.

We worked with every part as they came, worked really hard at improving our communication and self-calming skills, wrote down tons of notes about how to notice what we're feeling and what triggers symptoms and switches, read a lot of clinical books on dissociative disorders to better understand what we were dealing with and learn new skills, shared info with a lot of others with CDDs, and did a lot of mood tracking and journaling and setting reminders to help spot patterns and work around the amnesia better.

And, slowly... the dissociative barriers came down, and one by one, every part of us fused, until their fusions and all the effort and love that went into each one created me, the fused whole.

I may not know how many I was in the past, but I can comfortably say how many I am now; I am a system of two, myself and Fennel.

I've noticed in our community we tend to focus a lot on the numbers. A lot of plural servers on discord even ask anyone who joins to disclose alter/headmate counts. A lot of folks post their numbers publicly in their bios. Everybody, systems and singlets alike, all seem to want to know - How big is your system? How many of you are there?

It always made me feel very vulnerable to think about - everyone else always seemed so sure of their numbers, or at least had an estimate if not an exact count. I had a lot of internalized shame for a long time over how many parts I had and felt really overwhelmed every time I found more or split more. It also felt like something that should be more private, something I didn't really want to share with strangers.

And, well, that's perfectly alright. I may not be in that same headspace now (pun intended), but I think there should be more acceptance towards not sharing or knowing the exact number of members in a system.

However many you are, I hope you can have a good day today.

[kkyaka]

Another year, another period of time where I question my sexuality

[trans-leek-cookie]

listen I'm not gonna be a Curly apologist he did Fucked Up as captain but I genuinely recommend ppl watch a playthru that goes thru the game in chronological order. It kinda helps clear up the events and gaps between them, bc even tho u See the times, you still experience it out of order.

The stuff Anya says definitely sets off alarm bells but it doesn't seem like he Fully Understands what she means, and I'm going to be 100% honest I think she was trying to repress it herself. This isn't to say that she is AT ALL "at fault" for what happened after and she should've gotten help even if she wasn't ready to fully discuss the issue but I genuinely think she herself was still coming to terms with things, so she didn't necessarily process the full impact before talking to Curly, and a lot of what happens occurs after they're laid off- like this delves into personal interpretation but I genuinely think Anya only registered Jimmy as a serious danger after his outburst towards Curly. Ofc my interpretation is limited bc of the limited pov in game and not having gone through what she has, but it personally reads more akin to coercion over time than a singular Obviously Violent incident (like. Not to say that Sexual Assault isnt violent in nature, just that coercion often specifically works to obfuscate the fact it is a form of violence.) The layoff is a Massive catalyst for her bc of Jimmy, in that she now has a very clear understanding of his capacity for aggression.

To extrapolate a little from the "Dead Pixel" conversation, she starts by saying she Likes The Screen (even though it's fake). While Curly has his quotes about the pixel "not ruining the illusion" which. Y'know is Symbolic Of His Flaws. She doesn't say the pixel ruins it, just that she can't get it out of her mind.

If we take the pixel to represent her Or jimmy, either way the way she talks about it kind of downplays things, like it's a Minor Thing that's Slightly Upsetting, but she's still okay with the big picture. Idk I could be 100% wrong but that is my take

Besides that, Anya tells curly she's pregnant 2 days before the crash, and it isn't until she outright states it that he starts Putting The Pieces Together. I want to note, he says "I'd do anything" and "this doesn't have to go on our performance evals" 1. Before he knows shes pregnant 2. Under the assumption she might attempt suicide, and I doubt he even thought about her using the gun on anyone else before she brings that up. He says literally before the line where she tells him she's pregnant that "being laid off isnt a reason to hurt [herself]". Like I've seen ppl talk about the performance evaluation thing like it's about her and jimmy, but I think he's referring to (his belief) that she might attempt suicide or similar which might genuinely be a consistent thing he's seen her struggle with, given she's able to go through with it. Also just to note: assuming their society is like ours (hellish) reassuring her he won't blab Abt her mental health is like. Genuine reassurance- lots of mentally ill ppl will Not Open Up bc it could have long term consequences (like. For example. On employment) ANYWAYS I hope it doesn't come off like "Curly never failed Anya" but rather "Curly approached this specific situation without the context of why Anya is panicking and (possibly validly) assuming she's dealing with a very different issue"

Also let me say again the time frame is 2 days. We don't Really see what happens, but we know Anya tells Jimmy without Curly knowing. I genuinely believe he maybe didn't do a Great Job in those two days (the fact he says Anya should've talked to Him before telling Jimmy is uhhh. Mm. 1. Your job to create an environment where she comes to you my man 2. Weird to tell her what she should do with HER OWN PERSONAL INFORMATION) but like.

I get a lot of ppl want immediate consequences but consider that they can't really get rid of Jimmy (co pilot. Which is. Y'know it's Own Problems) but also like. Curly knows Jimmy, and we know that Jimmy tends to lash out. Curly should probably Not Confront Jimmy Unless He Knows Exactly How To Keep Him From Hurting Anya. Like I'm not an expert but this is something genuinely important- when confronting an abuser you NEED to take into account the impact it can have on their victim, and sometimes for the victims safety you need to wait until you have a Solid Plan. It sucks but it's important.

And theres discussion to be had about Curly kinda going along with Jimmy saying "well what if we all died" and like. I do believe he Didn't Realize What Jimmy Said. Like he was just processing/trying to keep the situation under control (and failing because he underestimated how willing Jimmy was to hurt everyone including himself).

Like he's definitely an enabler but I would say his problems are mostly before he understands the gravity of the situation, in that he's friends with Jimmy and assumes the best of a man with abusive tendencies, and fails to create an environment that can keep Anya and the others safe. Like, he definitely doesn't handle in game events perfectly (psych evaluation for one- he does do it instead of Anya which is actually helpful, but he still treats it like. Weirdly.)

Idk I have a lot of thoughts about this game and I don't necessarily want to defend Curly but more like. Anya's situation is very delicate (and light on details) so sometimes the way ppl talk Abt it feels like they aren't actually focused on what she wants and what it means to prioritize her safety y'know?

Edit bc I just now figured out kinda how I want to word it: curly is an enabler and making things worse bc he doesn't put a stop to Jimmy's BS, but in the specific scenario we see in game I think he's trying to use his Skillset of like, people pleasing not for Jimmy's sake but for the crews (like "if I nod my head and say I sympathize he won't lash out and hurt them") which like. There are situations which that is unfortunately the safest option (on an individual level yes, but sometimes it's also necessary to prevent abusers lashing out in response toward ppl who are more vulnerable) but it was the Wrong Choice.

It's like. I think Curly was trying and had good intentions, and understood that he needed to protect the crew, but he didn't have the toolset/experience to realize he can't Just go along with things and that he needs to be able to set hard limits, even for ppl he likes and trusts. Like he failed but the failure was "for want of a nail", where it began way before what we see (for want of an understanding of power dynamics I guess.) Again, don't think this makes curly more forgivable or whatever, I just think he's a good example of trying to make the right choices when you never realized you'd have to make these kinds of decisions and therefore are unprepared and/or unaware

Second edit: personally I don't think you can really incapacitate jimmy without there being serious risk (again he's the copilot) but curly should've given Anya the gun when she told him Abt the pregnancy

[ratatatastic]

scare the hoes more and keep yapping about ekky (& others) getting used to maffhew, it delights me. and say even more about how sasha handles this feral and sweet omega that gets dropped into his orbit. smth smth “feels like i’ve known him 10 years” or whatever vows sasha recited to the press, cameras, and god

apparently we are taking more tumblr user ratatatastic abo yap thoughts for 500 may god hear our screams up wherever he is. big man in the sky you fuckin owe me one.

i think theres so much in particular to say in concerns of 1619 and how quickly they gelled irl but even more so in an abo au

ive always enjoyed when people assign matthew stronger scents that take getting used to if you don't like it already and i know ive read a fic where his scent notes did skew towards stronger cinnamon foods/drinks

anyways on that note it wouldnt surprise me that sasha takes so easy to this spicy little omega.

Like of course he does, he smells like the pastries he used to eat back at home, the pastries he eats now because he's found an established Finnish bakery down here that makes them homemade every morning, the bakery he likes to frequent with the other Finns when he can.

Is it ever a wonder that the cute omega that sent him such a terribly sweet text when the trade news broke out (you know, after the initial excitement worn off because Sasha does chuckle at memory of the brash "Fucking, right!" that pinged on his phone the very first time from an unknown number) smells like... home... No matter all the rumours that have swirled around Matthew, the rumours Sasha has personally experienced himself playing against him...he smells nostalgic. Like Sasha could be at home right now—you know, home home—lounging outside his cottage with tea and pastries on the little table that he's set out. The warm cinnamon that wafts from the typically sterile room they've assigned for pressers smells divine, for lack of a better word. It smells indulgent. Because Sasha can't have those homely pastries all the time, what, with his training regiment.

It's why he doesn't quite believe it that Matthew's the one that's the centre of it all. He's absolutely convinced he's hallucinating because the season is about to start and he's had to cut back on all his favourite sweets as much as it pains him to but for the betterment of the team? He'd do anything. And yet despite the way he rubs at his nose to at least try to clear it, he smells that cinnamon. That cinnamon that's definitely coming from new omega they traded over who's laughing so obnoxiously at the lectern they have set up that if his scent didn't catch your attention, his loud mannerisms certainly did. His voice is practically bouncing off the walls in big loud echoes that should hurt Sasha’s ears. Emphasis on should. As it is he finds his heart melting more than it should instead.

It's been quite a long time since someone's scent has moved him this much. All the people that have, have been in his life for so long he's forgotten what it's like to feel instant scent compatibility. His nostrils are flaring and he's trying his best not to open his mouth to huff in big gulps of it because it's rather impolite to be so obviously scenting the new guy. It could be misconstrued as Sasha taking offence to the new presence in the room.

Some part of his brain is still trying to catch up to the idea that Matthew even smells at all because the first time he met him (down here for some joint offseason ice-time) he didn't particularly smell like much, if at all really. Whether it's because he put on blockers to not intrude on pack territory until he smelled more like them, or he was still on suppressants even in the summer, Sasha wasn't sure and he definitely wasn't going to ask about it.

Known him for 10 years? He feels like he's known him his whole life. But 10's a safe number, 10's a number that won't scare off this new omega, right? 10's a number that conveys "As Captain I want this to work out, I'm opening up my pack for you, I won't shun you, you're welcome here," and not "If I stick my nose in your neck right now to scent you, they're gonna have to forcibly evict me from the new home I've found in you, and it's not gonna be a pretty outcome."

It's also why he's a little nervous when Media Day is over because despite how much it dragged along in years past it practically blitzed by and now Sasha has to—

You know, properly scent the new addition. Give them the purring acceptance of their Pack leader's scent to carry with them. And it's nothing big, it's just some chaste wrist rubbing... something subtle and not too overwhelming for everyone: the pack, and the newcomer alike. It's not like Sasha is going to mouth at Matthew's neck glands. He doesn't think he can even handle that right now but that's a problem for future Sasha—for when Matthew is really part of the pack and not like a goldfish in a plastic bag being dunked into an aquarium to get used to the water temperature. He just has to rub his wrist against his, it's like basic Alpha etiquette. It'll be fine, mostly. He hopes.

And it's as anticlimactic as he thought it'd be: gentle reintroductions and reignited chatter of excitement about the new season that's about to start... maybe just with the new lingering scent of sweet and spice in the background as if someone lit up a candle without Sasha even noticing it. It's a struggle to keep his eyes from closing from how heavy they feel, from how relaxed he feels in the presence of this new omega he knows has pissed him off on several occasions as composed as he was about it.

Matthew presents his wrist in a flourish successfully managing to divert his attention back to what they're supposed to be doing all alone like this in the dressing room like this, "I'm sure you've been dying to do this huh, Cap?"

Sweat starts to break out at the back of his neck. He knows? Sasha doesn't think he's been sending off any signals that could've hinted otherwise but Sasha admits that he's well out of practise, he hasn't had to reign in his scent this much in such a long time, and maybe Matthew picked up his weird fixation—

Matthew waggles his eyebrows for extra effect an offbeat later when the joke doesn't seem to land the way he wanted it to.

Oh, thank Christ, he's just teasing him. It's a joke. He doesn't actually mean it in the way Sasha thought he meant.

"Yes. Yes, I have," Sasha chuckles in relief, shaking his head at Matthew's attempt to lighten the mood.

"10 years, or so I've heard, bud."

"You heard? Uh, listened to the..." he trails off.

"Kinda hard not to when the setup made it sound like you were in the middle of the Earth, my guy. I don't think my ears are ever gonna recover from that."

"It's the first day for everyone," Sasha lightly chastises, not particularly aggrieved at all but wanting to keep up the banter to stall for time, so he can prepare himself. Quite honestly he feels like travelled back in time to the young anxious Alpha he was breaking out into the league for the first time.

"Be gentle, I bruise easily."

"Right, gentle. I'll treat you better than my clothes on the delicate cycle."

"Is that supposed to be a line?" Matthew says in glee, his voice pitching into incredulity.

"Line like fishing?"

"Oh, come on! You know what I'm talking about! You've been in this country long enough to pick up on that!"

"Yes, yes, that."

Matthew shoves at his shoulder playfully. "Just go on and do the thing already."

"Doing the thing."

Matthew snorts but his wrist is limp in Sasha’s hold. And as much as it was a dumb joke he does feel delicate between his fingers like that. So delicate that when he rubs his own wrist against his—to transfer over their pack scent—he feels like he's going to break it if he holds onto it for too long. It's why he drops it as quick as he took it, hands scrambling to his sides in an effort to remain polite but also to get a handle on himself so his pheromones don't go haywire with the new stimulus. It's a bit of a losing battle because he knows his scent just. But he can play it off as the excitement of an Alpha being able to claim another member to his pack, it's a possessive kind of thing.

"Well, see you around! Call it a hunch but I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of each other." And the joke wasn't funny the first time, truly the equivalent of leaning on the office fax machine and going "You come here often?" to your coworkers who just want to get their work done—and just as sleazy too with the greasy grin Matthew has permanently stuck to his face but Sasha still laughs like he did the first time he heard it.

And it's only now that Matthew is gone that Sasha realises the room smells strongly of cinnamon, so potent that anyone with a working nose would be able to tell that. Like Matthew was doing his best to ease Sasha’s obvious nerves when Sasha should've been the one to calm the omega who's been uprooted from their own pack and thrown into a completely new environment, himself.

"Jesus, it reeks in here. Smells like cinnamon," Aaron wrinkles his nose, wandering back in after his own media duties were done, finding Sasha all alone in the locker rooms.

"It does?" Like he can't tell the room smells like the equivalent of someone knocking over a Yankee Candle into an open fire.

"Yeah, like an awful lot." Aaron scrunching up his nose, trying to fight off an incoming sneeze. "It's strong," he says without thinking, swallows before his eyes shift over to Sasha and then to the floor, "Not bad just... strong..." The I can get used to it is left unspoken between them.

"I like it," Sasha admits because if Aaron is confessing to things without thinking then he might as well too. They've known each other long enough.

"I can tell." Aaron snorts, "You reek too."

Sasha lets out a questioning little noise, tilts his head to the side as he silently urges Aaron to continue.

"You have no idea what cinnamon and cardamom smell like together, do you? I feel like I walked into a bakery when I should be at the gym right now."

"Is that bad?"

"For you? No, of course not," Aaron's eyes soften, and while his scent wasn't anywhere close to abrasive, it does lighten up just a tad bit in the presence of his pack Alpha. "For me? I'd rather dunk my head in a bucket of coffee beans." A bit of an exaggeration on Aaron's part but the wry grin he has on really adds to the fact he's just joking—just a little, maybe there's some truth hidden in there. He knows how Aaron is, the way he tries to downplay anytime he bristles about something. Peace and vibes, and all that.

So Sasha can joke as well, "Forsy's stall is over there," and motions his head towards it across the room.

"Oh, hilarious."

"If I was funny I would say jock."

"You know, what? I think I will hit the gym today, thanks for reminding me."

"Mmm, anytime." And when Aaron's half out the door he adds, "Ask the staff where they put the jerseys we used today!"

"I'm going! To the gym!" he echoes back, not bothering to turn around as he shuffles down the hall in a hurry, and decidedly not going in the direction of the gym. It's not surprising when he hears chatter pick up and shoes scuffing briskly into the direction of the laundry rooms.

[astr0wl]

Stolas knew deep down that just laying around, feeling sorry for himself did nothing good at all. But.... that was just the thing - it did nothing, and yet he couldn't do anything else either. He had experienced grave depression before, but it was nothing like this ( and no amount of happy pills would help him this time...). He knew he was deserving of it, but he DESPISED the fact that his daughter might end up suffering as a result from this. Screw the garden, and screw his home - as long as Octavia was in safe hands, Stolas knew he would be able to work through this. It was 'only' for 100 years, right...? Dear him... it is almost as if he's wondering if it would have been better had he actually been executed - especially considering he had been so ready to go through with it, too.

Vassago attempting to be of support did little to lift his spirits; despite how much he appreciated the effort. With a head hanging low and shoulder sulking, the former Prince of the ars Goetia offered the other a brief glance - red eyes blinking out of sync as a result of too little rest and too much crying. Another soft hoot escapes him in a sigh as he parted his beak to speak again.

“ Yes, maybe you're right... ” At this point, it was almost as if he was saying whatever he assumed was expected of him - whether he believed in his own words or not ( nothing personal against Vassago, of course, but let's be real - Stolas was hardly in a sane state of mind right now... ). And truth be told, he didn't really feel like he wanted to talk about himself - the lack of distractions from himself and his situation was what had brought on this conversation, after all. “ My-... the garden is of little matter, at the end of the day. ”

“ ... With that being said, ” Stolas paused, a thought suddenly coming to him as he straightened his back a tad - white pupils wandering back over to curiously view Vassago. While he had noticed the slight decrease of distance between them, he didn't feel particularly uncomfortable by it since he knew deep down that the other was merely trying to his very best to comfort him. “ ... There is something else you can do for me, ” The last thing Stolas wanted now was to impose, but he would be an absolute fool to completely dismiss assistance if it was potentially offered to him. He might be a complete wreck, but there was still one thing that kept him going - albeit very very slowly.

Stolas had raised his hand now, waving it slightly back and forth in a declining gesture as he shook his head. “ I-I don't wish to impose, naturally... but it is of great importance to me; more important than a garden. And given my situation, I have little choice but to ask... ”

                  ᯓ★ ―  Vassago felt his heart plunge like a stone into the depths of his chest, each beat echoing the pain he witnessed. It was genuinely heart-wrenching to see someone he revered so greatly rendered vulnerable and broken by the weight of his punishment. Within the parrot, a fierce ball of indignation churned, fueled by the knowledge that Andrealphus had played a significant role in orchestrating these harsh consequences. While they had indeed committed a crime, Vassago couldn’t shake the feeling that there was always more to the tale—details woven into the fabric of their plight that none of the other members of the Goetia seemed inclined to uncover or even acknowledge.

            ❝ Mira, escúchame amigo.❞ Vassago shifts slightly nearer to Stolas, moving with an almost deliberate caution to respect the delicate boundaries of personal space, making sure not to encroach upon the area that might make Stolas uncomfortable. ❝ No hay mal que por bien no venga, it means ' that there is no evil that doesn't come with good in it'. Sí, las cosas hoy son difíciles, but that doesn't mean you can't grow along with it. You may have been given a chance to learn to grow more in a brand new place, it may not feel like home, pero, you won't know until you give it a chance. And if by the time you get your garden back, if that polla helada has let it fall to ruin, I would gladly help in restoring it with you.❞

[longagoitwastuesday]

I actually like the last chapter. I think the ideas are very good. I have my qualms on how some things were managed, as I always do, but I think shonen authors get tangled in the expectations of a shonen to the point it jeopardises their writing, often even when they're not lacking in skills

[medicinemane]

At least I could disable the suggestions but just... I'm sick of it, I'm sick of companies trying to think for me

I'd rather be miserable but doing shit my own way than placid and glass eyed and just taking whatever companies tell me to

Like... literally just asking what I get out of writing a post on tumblr... zero suggestions, just letting me say whatever dumb stuff comes to my head

[lususnatura]

blamore when he's in love with someone is like the epitome of ' how deep is your love. ' and honestly, in addition to that song being a banger (the bee gee's has made a lot of those in my opinion though NGL LOL), i say this because it really is that lover who silently wants their partner to give them ALL of their love and who is that ride or die whom won't let anyone break them down + will always have a 'it's both of us versus the world' mindset.

because whenever it comes to love... it is all or nothing with blamore. which means he will be completely devoted to whoever this partner at the time may be, and will kind of have an unspoken expectation that they'll also be devoted to him, but in a very sweet way like twin-flames or something. Because, and don't tell it i said this (nahhh, i'm just kidding around with y'all LOL i know he isn't real ofc but you know the vibes), the plant-hybrid is sort of a romantic deep down

[muirneach]

46 minute psychoanalytic russian interview with andrey? i’m so sat.

[hearts-hunger]

i'm extremely good at hiding when the conversation of my coworkers triggers me but i don't know if that's a good thing

[goodmorningbadday]

i miss him. wtf else am i supposed to say. why couldn’t he have been mean and boring so i wouldn’t be stuck here thinking about the 4 midtown shows for the rest of my life. also if you glanced it would look like we took all three of these pictures in one night which makes me laugh the thought of us just having a photoshoot and relocating for every pic

[kitsune-kaos]

Work rant:

Been working my ass off in a new department that I have minimal background in, whilst dealing with my mental health being probably the worst it’s been in the 10 months I’ve worked here, and today I was told by a supervisor that I’m not completing my tasks fast enough (mind you we’re consistently at or near max capacity rn) and she regarded my performance as seeming like I just don’t care. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day feeling extra fucked up and down on myself. I wish I had the capability/courage to stand up for myself and point out that they’re constant nitpicking has been getting to me, especially when they constantly appear to be chatting with their friends during work. Both her and the other supervisor have been cool in my books up til now, but the way they’ve both been treating me the past couple weeks has me not wanting to be there anymore. I’m tired of the nitpicking, hypocrisy, and the lack of care for those they’re supposed to be supervising.