#like how i find attraction to real men
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Another year, another period of time where I question my sexuality
#it always makes me depressed tbh#this has been bothering for FIVE years and i still dont know#i just feel weird bc i feel like im fetisizing women#or like saying that i want to “try” for a lack of a better word#bc i feel like i need to be with a women to know if i really feel that way#but at the same time that makes me think that i actually dont like women#bc people know when theyre like kids and that wasnt me#like they didnt have to be with a women to know#and i feel like a horrible person since i need to be with someone to see if thats how i really feel#and i dont even wanna try and attemot that bc i dont wanna make the other person feel bad#like theyre a secret or an experiment or something#like i can thirst for some fictional female characters#but i feel like im not allowed to do that bc i kinda cant do that for real women? (not in a weird way)#like how i find attraction to real men#i dunno i just feel like such a shitty person#i should probably just bury this cause its a lost cause lol#it'll be a lose lose no matter what i do#im just gonna deny deny deny i guess#🥝.rambles
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lesbian masterdoc and the unforgivable damage of making people hear compulsory heterosexuality and think of "can lesbians have crushes on men?" (no) instead of "are heterosexual women settling in unhappy marriages with men bellow their worth because of economic and social pressure?" (yes)
#not claiming the theory was without flaws but it sure didn't describe some virus mental affliction that exclusively plagues lesbians#for starters the theory was primarily about marriage. so it did recognise the historical fact of lesbians forced into marriage to avoid#honor killings and the still present possibility and threats especially when it comes to cults and strong religions#(once again mentioning as a Jeová's witness in a brazilian periphery my girlfriend accepted the tool of losing her entire family and social#circles to reject an arranged marriage at the age of 17. and she's bisexual. but THAT is what compulsory heterosexuality alludes to)#but more often than not when it addressed lesbians it was as the inherent threat they pose to heteropatriarchy#that they mere existence proved women were not all born to serve men. and that their lives often proved women are much happier and#accomplished when away from the burden of men.#and this acknowledging just how much loneliness was a reality through lesbian's experiences#at the same time I can understand the frustration of that feminist theory being reduced to 'comphet is when lesbians in high school were#pressured into picking one of the Backstreet Boys to lie about finding attractive'. and even more so when that non universal and much less#serious example somehow morphed into 'comphet is when bisexual women either lying or confused about being lesbians have sex with men and#find it unfulfilling' because accepting that narrative erases and harms lesbians#so I understand the 'comphet isn't real' posts especially because written like that it tends to refer to lesbian masterdoc and following#fiasco. but at the same time that wasn't the original intent of compulsory heterosexuality the actual feminist term#this is just me complaining about how social media butchers theory tho unless they are specifically naming Rich and the many other feminist#who wrote about heterosexual marriage as an institution I won't bother lesbians for venting frustration about neoliberal erasure of lesbian#the original theory sure didn't claim lesbians were immune to all this misogynistic violence but the term was never exclusively about them#and tended to ask more of 'where do we stand as women and feminists as a group much more interested in destroying heterosexual marriage than#simply making it more bearable?'#this got a little messy and senseless I'm tired#.txt
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#sometimes when i read posts from people in the bi community it makes me feel like im not a real bi#a lot of them seem to be so obsessed with actually falling into bi stereotypes#like the only way you can be bi is if you listen to certain music or wear certain clothes or the dumb 'cant sit in a chair correctly' thing#if you arent doing at least 2 of these things then youre a fake bi#also i grew up in a very close minded home#yes im bi but i didnt come to terms with it until i was in my early 20s because of how i was taught to view gay people#and i think my preference for men comes from that too#im attracted to women too for sure but i feel like sometimes im just... performing? idk if that makes sense#like i feel the need to really let people know when i find a woman attractive otherwise they wont believe me#i hate people's obsession with stereotypes#i hate the way i feel like i have to prove myself#is the way i feel about this unreasonable?#did this even make sense?#i feel like im going nuts#also im not just attracted to cis men or cis women#i was just saying that i have a preference for men in general and i think thats because of my parents
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sorry to everyone of my followers who arent into fable, im never going to be calm again
#THIS STREAMM#i mean i wasnt calm before either but like#the un calm ness is real#GOD WOLF JUST KEEPS ATTRACTING THE PURPLE STAR MEN#HOW MANY EVEN ARE THERE#HOW DOES HE FIND THEM ALL
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i am so apathetic to popular male transformers characters, but i have a simple trick to make me care abt them: i turn them into robot women then i suddenly start seeing their appeal
#grimlock would be so awesome as a butch woman. DO YOU HEAR ME DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME HELLOOOO#also crazy in depth conversation i had abt this made me think abt why i get rlly. apathetic abt popular tf characters#esp when i realize all the popular characters im Whatever abt are all men#but i always have interest in the female ones and also the niche little weird guys#you are looking at rare scrounge fan. rare wheelie fan. and Number 1 Fan of Blurr*#*when hes a dorky weird anxious guy. yknow the ones ppl dont care abt bc hes “annoying” and “ugly”#i dont give as much of a shit abt the handsome cocky racer blurrs#i realize. because tf fandom has a weird thing abt only caring abt how attractive a character is#and tends to gravitate to male characters for that aspect#like lets be real here. there is such a high priority in this fandom for what characters look best in porn. im right.#and ppl love the yaoi robots for that.#and i. am on the aroace spectrum. and do not find as much attraction in men (though i do sometimes. just less so)#so this doesnt appeal to me#so i find myself so incredibly apathetic or a hater to a lot of the tf fandom bc of this#in turn i do not care so much for the popular characters or straight up see them as red flags (admittedly im a bit irrational for this tho)#a lot of times i get a feeling like “ok whats so special abt this guy. its just another conventionally attractive man" it feels boring to m#so that might explain why i become more interested in these characters if they arent men#this is all being said from a nonbinary person that leans more transmasc btw. just noting that.#rando thoughtz
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Child, not some random ass man following me all the way home from the laundromat, staring at me unlocking the front door like some sort of Michael Myers with worst hygiene, telling me that he wants to come in with me and then trying to get my phone number after I bluntly refuse, men really have nothing but the audacity
#like sir if you don't go back to whoever's couch you're crashing on atm and leave me alone..#like maybe try to find a shower you can use before you try getting anyone's phone number smfh#also i look like shit today but i'm wearing my short shorts and that combo always attract the dustiest crustiest bums fr#i need to buy longer shorts because this is not worth it lmao#btw one of my only male mutual who i quite liked unfollowed and potentially blocked me yesterday#right after i posted about how people who believe that misandry is a real problem are dumb#so in honor of that i'll be even meaner to men and that's his fault idgaf#anyway i'm still on break from tumblr but i had to share this interaction with y'all because the audacity! truly unbelievable
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OPEN STARTER | Patrick Finch
"I condone lying. I encourage it, even. I recommend it. I could hardly live without it."
#;open starter#the wolf;patrick#the wolf;open#he's always the most difficult one GOSH#also you must envision he's saying this with this weird open deadpan stare where he#well how do i put it: he's clearly fucking with you but he does it with such an open genuine expression#i mean he does condone lying he's not lying here (LKDSG!!!) but he is also fucking around#so this is Patrick he's 37 or anywhere around that age he's agender primarily he/him pronouns bc whatever yknow#the agender vibes of WHATEVER i know what i'm talking about trust me i have a phd in agenderism#anyways he's an informant but about as unorthodox as you can imagine he's just fucking around and finding out frankly#very depressed very jumpy very good at hiding it lmao he's my darling ♥#he is very motherly somehow i can't explain it#he has somewhat of a history in accidentally attempting to adopt powerful young women i don't know why he???#knee-jerks into wanting to be a mother figure i don't know him that well you guys#like he met suki (ferre's kamipyre) for a few minutes one time and#days after he was wondering if she'd wore a jacket because it was cold out like--#men don't get the same kindness if you're a charming kind-hearted competent warm and humorous DAD kind of guy he's unfortunately#emotionally attracted to you? unfortunately because he hates it~ but if you're any other kind of guy you're just... you're some guy to him#yes if you're young he'll adopt you too but begrudgingly-- KLDGFGKLFDHGJF#if you're a they/them you're his kid already are you kidding that's your mum#OH I JUST HAD A TERRIBLE THOUGHT so do you know om*g*verse?? regardless of how you feel about it#it do be a thing and i just had this horrible thought about how if pat were a real guy in an established canon#he'd probs get the feminisation treatment amiright?? NO LISTEN HE USED TO BE A HUGE WOLF#AND HE'S ACTUALLY FILLED WITH SO MUCH RAGE AND WRONGED PRIDE#patrick is gentle when he likes you and because he's Smart he doesn't just BITE out of nowhere he's always been like that#Fenris was known for being INCREDIBLY well-spoken BUT ALSO A HUGE PROUD WOLF#LIKE BIG WOLF-- it doesn't show but he's Very Proud and STRONG and ??????#;queue#i picked a gif came back and realized i lost it there for a sec NO MATTER makes for good entertainment
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starting to wonder if i’m using romantic relationships to fill the void in my heart that was once occupied by the many close friendships i used to have with men and amab ppl
#i miss having real meaningful friendships with men and amabs#as a child more of my friends were of opposite genders#after shit went down with my ex best friend from college i said ‘never again’#now i’ve had 3 relationships where they’ve ended and i find myself grieving the platonic components of these relationships more#like the jokes and banter and how our personalities worked together etc.#for exes 4 and 5 it’s hurt to meet someone and hit it off as friends and then watch it all go to shit because attraction got in the way#lizzy's personal posts
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thinkin abt benny tonight
#tags rant approaching lets goooooooooooo#ive been thinking abt his route a lot and his overall place in the story#and i think it would be. REALLY interesting if he got revealed as gay in the sequel#he's already the one who's able to reject toxic masculinity the most !! he's the only one who wants to actually befriend five !!!!#and im not saying that it would be impossible if he was attracted to her but what im saying IS#how Pointless this whole journey in the hopeful must have been to him then !!!#it would also mean that he had to be deep in the closet around his friends due to how affected by toxic masculinity they were which is! sad#im saying this all as an aroace benny believer btw. but a character like him being canonically aroace seems ! kinda unrealistic#but gay benny is real. it's possible. he already gets homophobic comments thrown at him#and im not saying i want him to get called a faggot. hes already a faggot in my heart#like i literally dont care about him liking men i just care about him not liking women#i want this 'searching for The Girl' adventure to feel completely pointless to him at a personal level#but knowing that he can't abandon his friends like that. and pretending that he actually cares about finding her#and for it to become something bigger in the sequel. something beyond personal. like this is not about him anymore#does any of this even make sense#EDIT because i forgot more thoughts i have#first of all sth more personal and less analytic which is: even if he was aroace i dont think he'd have the words for it anyway#and who cares if hes gay or aroace or both hes still queer and not into women#and second thought. it would mean that he didnt have feelings for the red haired girl#which makes. his whole pre flash backstory a lot more interesting#bc she couldn't have been ''leading him on''#but the whole situation got misinterpreted from the outside. basically#idk man. i like benny i just think he's neat
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I love the big realisation my type of men is informed directly by my abandonment trauma <3 /sarcasm
#I’ve known for a while.#it doesn’t make it any less genuine of course — I am a person who is intensely loyal and attached#and that’s why I’m so fearful of relationships. and often these qualities are don’t found in men my age in my area… so I have to wait ^-^#also ik he is just a crush and I don’t treat him like he’s real in reality — but Bya is very important to me and that’s why any man I like -#-is also similar to him (literally just that other guy with the same voice actor and their only difference is the colour of their hair LMAO)#like if I had a boyfriend — he would be my type. it’s only him. I don’t find anyone else attractive and I hope that’s reciprocated#S/I and Byaluya are ‘asexual 4 asexual’ fr (as the hip kids say) — not saying that quality is limited to asexuals ofc#but I feel I would be a lot more comfortable with a partner who is also asexual — but I probably could expand more horisens if I recover mor#I hope that didn’t come across as offensive because it wasn’t meant to — it is just important for me.#trauma mention#how do I tag this??
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You should have called yourself Lesbian Jesus /j
Your theme is so yummy, I wanna eat it
LMFAOO I WOULD IF I WAS A LESBIAN,,,,
#idk my sexuality actually. like. I might be more sexually and romantically attracted to non men than I am non women and NB#but idk how to label myself bc i find myself simping for fictional men#but then again fictional characters can't dictate your real life attractions. probably...
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my pattern of girls i've had crushes on is so funny
#like in elementary school i had little girl crushes but i couldnt really articulate that they were crushes#and then in ms i liked the only other 2 gay girls i knew because thats how it goes#then in hs i was like fuck it. ima go all in and have crushes on whoever#so then it was like. one straight girl 2 years older than me. one lesbian 2 years younger than me.#one straight girl dating one of the hottest men at our school and she was madly in love with him.#pretty sure those are the only major ones Hah#only bringing this up bc my MALE SITUATIONSHIP had the AUDACITY to tell me he DOESNT THINK IM ACTUALLY GAY#AND IM CONVINCED HE WAS JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT ME TO BE A LESBIAN#LIKE BE SO REAL.#also he gets offended whenever ppl bring up the fact that the only men i find attractive are men who look like girls#like sorry that its true. u look like a girl babe.#r
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whenever I hear someone talk about their shitty, deadbeat partner, I always feel proud of Myself for simply having better taste than them. I'm not in a relationship but at least I've never wanted one with someone like that LMAO.
#personal#NOT talking about abusive relationships but like I said. deadbeats#in this case I'm specifically thinking about this man who INSISTS on being the 'protector and provider' in the relationship#but doesn't know how to manage money or fix things or really do anything right and REFUSES to learn. she's known this from jump#but just lets it slide. and I think 'thank god I've never found people like that attractive'#I'm aroace so I don't find any real person attractive but at least the characters I've found attractive are generally dedicated#and conscientious. not to say that you need to be these things to deserve love (I'm incredibly flaky and disorganized Myself)#but the thing with this guy is that he acts like a first-grade boy raised with toxic masculinity. he burps to masculinize himself#and basically goes LALALA I'M NOT LISTENING!! when asked not to. this isn't an exaggeration BTW he literally does that#anyway but bragging aside I do hope all women in relationships with deadbeat men realize that 'boys will be boys' is bullshit#and they should either insist on better or leave. once again struggling to do better is one thing but once you actively refuse?#you really do deserve to be left TBH don't be a parasite#anyway I spent over an hour listening to her talk about this. I'm gossiping but it's fine because I'm not naming names#or even how I know these people. so it's basically harmless right?
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the way my sister was talking about how she could see herself being a stay at home wife if it was the right man and my first thought was literally no man could get me to do that… but a woman on the other hand—
#would 10/10 cook and clean for a hot woman#also this is an unrelated but kinda related tangent#but recently i’ve been thinking about the fact that i haven’t *really* had feelings for a guy in who knows how long??#like the last crush i had was in high school and idk if it was even actually a crush#and the only men i find myself ‘into’ now are completely unobtainable whether they’re fictional or a celebrity#and even the celebrity men that i’m into i’m like#even if somehow i did have a chance with him i would reject him bc i don’t *actually* wanna be w him y’know?#like [redacted] is cute n stuff and i adore him but if i somehow managed to get his attention i feel like i truly wouldn’t want him?#whereas with women i’m like !!!! i want her !!!!#like i’ve had actual romantic feelings for women but none for men as of the last few years#even with fictional characters i’m like he’s fictional which makes him unobtainable just how i like em#but also she’s fictional which is actually horrible bc i need her to be real so bad (looking at u vi)#so i label myself as bi because i do in fact find everyone hot regardless of gender#but also i’m only really *romantically* attracted to women and not really men#anyways that was my random realization that i might not actually be bi but who knows
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step one. going "well, this is the way things always will be" like yeah at that rate obviously you won't be doing anything to change that, but that it's also not simply "ohh inaction, terrible" but rather like, what's he point of that if not to apologize (in the Apologetics (pl noun) sense &/or "sorry :/" sense alike) for Actions that play into The Way Things Are. then how that "things will always be this way, thus: i'm acting like it" logic is found in more blatant Actions, like: may as well invest in it! perhaps by punching down on people who Aren't acting like that, & rather being more disruptive & operating according to premises & principles that are Not the alleged "way things are." like you might be classed as Woman, bummer, but instead of embracing what disrupts the creation & maintenance of a patriarchy, how about punching down on more vulnerable women as the Real Problem? same goes for being queer but hey it's This queerness considered even less compatible (&/or allegedly eligible for consideration as meritous exceptions in The Way Things Are, whose obviously preexisting existence within it will totally be Accepted the way the more conforming parties are) with normativity that's the real issue. always the status of Truest Authorities, the logics of who are "opposites" of them, the status of Disruptive Rejectors Of This System, the status of those who totally have the Bold Vision of: scapegoating the people rejecting the system & acting accordingly, who just might happen to end up perfectly aligned with those who already openly embrace & actively support The Way Things Are, & who the Truest Authorities sure benefit from, like yeah focus on undermining those who disrespect & question this & are Responsible for my pushback which is an inevitable force of nature b/c this is the way things always will be. le epic. existing in the lil authoritarian unit of Shit Nuclear Family Household sure is a heck of a primer / learning by living lol like the familiar (lol) logics crop up everywhere in the other sites n structures of authoritarianism & the "well, this is how it'll always be, & i'll be acting like it, thank you" times like the Search For The Scapegoat & the people totally sympathetic to & on the side of those as/more shitted upon / with less power until whoops push comes to shove they'll wash their hands of it if not lash out at them. the Highest Authority lashes out? force of nature, whose fault was that Really? well, the people they targeted. you bring it upon yourself & perhaps others if they're Also shitted on & if i'm targeted too i sure won't care about Others, & while i'm Less targeted, i'll be doing the best thing i can do: appeasing the authorities. which your Disruptive behavior sure isn't doing so umm you're kind of my realest enemy & wow it sure is easy to punch down on you so i'll be increasingly invested in doing that, maybe, & the sheeple can't handle it so i'm also a martyr
#thinking like ''what's a word for the Force Of Nature designation vs scapegoat designation'' but like it's right in the Scapegoat term#scapegoated For Something rather than a more general ''anyone blamed &/or ostracized ever''#the problem isn't thee person made Authority whose actions we're all dealing with. not if we go ''well we Have to deal with that''#and then find someone else to take it out on & probably settle on who's most vulnerable & thus already ''a problem''#& so likely to Not Invest in this system b/c of the part where it's Worst To Them#including calling it into question more perhaps by nature of their existence that already Disrupts the way things are & always will be#the patriarchy? have you considered shitting on women? wow how could radfems end up besties with fascist misogynist men. a mystery#the normativity of compulsory sexuality? i think you mean ''ace people aren't just cishet but totally Agents Of Homophobia & w/e''#up next the brave normative ''being poly is fucked up & again the real enactors of homophobia or w/e. also being bi. or nonbinary. &c''#gosh if only it weren't for These Bad Ones / The Ruinerrrs we'd all have Ascended#there's never ''contradictions'' there's the coherence of Being Invested In Power & thus treating those with & without it differently#someone the other day making essentially the same argument of ''what a Contradiction for a man to have a wife And be misogynist''#just adding on any compounded vulnerable status like whaaa how can anyone be sexually attracted to [group] And bigoted against them#yeah what a Contradiction when you also believe sexuality is about accessing consuming some bodies as objects/products#the Ir/Responsibility of Disruptive People like ah so the responsibility of those empowered by & invested in the norms? No#for them they're treated as a force of nature. gonna do what they're gonna do & we all must respond by adapting around this#oh so the disruptive parties are treated like that too? no; they're everything that's wrong with this world. & so on
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actively live laugh loving through a crisis of sexuality except its not in the fun way (the fun way is: oh my! am i gay? i should find a hot dyke to experiment with)
im twenty three years old i cannot seriously be wondering whether or not i like boys. i already did this shit in middle school like can we not
#bro i literally did conversion therapy about this shit 😐#if it turns out that im bi im gonna be so mad like im not even kidding#a year or two ago i had this little blip of a moment where i was like... surely im not bi... right?#but i was in a HAPPILY committed long term relationship so i was content to just like. never examine it too deeply#bc i was like. well its not like im going to be in a position to find out so it doesnt really matter lol#but now im wicked single and its like ive been pressing “ignore” on a pop up for too long and now its gotten to a point where its#completely unavoidable#do i like men!!!!!!! fuck if i know!!!!!!!#its not like i can just find a random guy and be like hey can we make out real quick i need to check something#bc im so legitimately terrified at the idea of being NEAR a man like that#but being scared of engaging with men doesnt mean that you're incapable of being attracted to them#like. i know i like women. thats easy to check. can i see myself spending the rest of my life with a woman. yes. check.#is the idea of being intimate with a woman appealing. yes. check.#like i know that shit. its not even a question.#but with men its like: i dont fucking know!#can i see myself spending the rest of my life with a man? no. because the idea of that hasnt even been on my radar since i was fourteen#like. it was either i was going to end up with a woman or i was going to be celibate for the rest of my life.#and any thoughts of “ending up with a man” before that are those of a girl who grew up in a heteronormative society and didn't know another#option was even fucking possible!#god and as for being intimate with a man. i dont know! “does it excite you?” i dont know!!! i have no fucking clue!!#and the fact that i dont have that gut reaction or desire is what made me feel so sure about being a lesbian#but i legitimately dont know if i have the capacity to feel that way#and like... i wont know if i dont check. but how the hell am i even supposed to go about doing something like that???#is this comp het?#i dont fucking know!!!!!!!#whatever it is its not fun or sexy and its REALLY killing the vibe
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