lieslab

[lieslab]

Introducing: Pandemonium

| If you'd like to read my drabbles or find more of my full-length fics, you can find them here |

~

Carmen Holbrook's life is practically perfect until her younger sister, Lily, goes missing. While fighting grief and disbelief, she stumbles across a stranger, who invites her to see the traveling circus. Only digging up dead-ends and false alarms about her sister, she accepts.

Hwang Hyunjin was meant for stardom. Beneath the blinding lights and equipped with a spectacular array of talents, it seems like the circus life is a dream come true. When he invites Carmen to join him, life flips upside down.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to join the circus and she knows that. Taking a chance, she's determined to bring awareness to her sister's disappearance. The added bonus of being paid and performing alongside Hyunjin is far more than what she was expecting. However, there's a weariness that she just can't shake. Fellow circus members seem a bit strange at times. Something seems off and no matter how much she tries to avoid it, there's an unshakeable aura of mystery beneath the big top.

Someone or something will do anything to keep her from finding out the truth, even if that means going to extreme lengths to keep it quiet.

_ _ _

Pandemonium is a full-length mystery/horror fanfic currently being written on Wattpad and Ao3. New chapters are uploaded five days a week. You can find the playlist right here (along with almost every other playlist for my full-length fanfics)

Starring:

Hwang Hyunjin: The runaway acrobat who joined the circus to get away from it all.

Bang Chan: Every circus needs a magician who never spills his secrets.

Lee Minho: A fire-breather who lives between spitting flames and dances with fire, despite the occasional burn.

Seo Changbin: Everyone's favorite ringmaster aka the real star of the show (as he insists)

Han Jisung: A circus wouldn't be a circus without animal acts and he's there to make sure they're ethically trained and behaving.

Lee Felix: The second half of the acrobatic duo, who might have bitten off way more than he could chew.

Kim Seungmin: If anyone was going to tame the vicious lions and walk beneath elephants, it'd definitely be him.

Yang Jeongin: He can often be found pulling pranks and clowning around, it's literally his job description.

Contains:

*Stupidity and idiocy

*A lot of cursing

*Really fun circus acts performed by skz (if you loved the circus era, you'd like this)

*A romantic relationship that may or may not be doomed (depending on which cast member you ask)

*Seungmin shoving his head between the jaws of a lion

*Han's mortal enemy being a white horse named Snowball

*Minho taunting and teasing everyone because he's bored

*There's something weird about Chan (Jeongin says he never left his emo phase)

*Changbin showing off because he's the ringmaster (and they run the circus, remember?)

*Jeongin refusing to take off his clown costume because he insists it helps him build character for the audience

*Felix flying through the air with the greatest of ease (until he accidentally smacks into Hyunjin mid-routine and hits the net like a dead fish)

*Hyunjin is in love (Awogah)

*Missing kids that people can't find...suspiciously (bring them back?!?)

*A lot of cheesy romance

*Train rides that are just full of the members belittling, bullying, and biting the shit out of one another (They call Seungmin a dog for a reason)

*Absolute chaos

*An old urban legend that changes everything

*A lot of clowns (it's their top personality trait)

*An original character that experiences loss and goes through grief (but don't worry because Hyunjin helps with that)

*People will probably die

~

So bring your cotton candy and kettle corn. Enjoy the circus and the added carnival rides. Feel free to ride along, just buckle up and keep your limbs inside the ride at all times. It'd be a real shame if something ripped them off. We don't want you to leave this injured and traumatized, do we?

[lieslab]

Perchance this is insensitive but if a skz member had a crush on u and u knew would u still be a lesbian?

This really makes me think and it's going to lead to a ramble. I would absolutely be honored, but I don't think it'd change anything. Through the lens that we view our idols, they're regular people at the end of the day. There's a lot of discussion about the LGBT+ community and so much speculation.

Some people say your sexuality is based upon things that have happened to you. It's so much of this and not enough of that. It's being around the wrong influences. It's something not natural, it's an abomination. Some people say that people pick and choose their sexuality just because they feel like it.

There's so many things that I don't know. Sometimes, I don't think we have to know. Why do we have to question something that just is? For some people, you have to justify yourself and I think that's bullshit. You don't have to owe anyone an explanation, if you don't want to. You don't have to try and prove something to prove your existence is valid. You are valid as you are.

I don't know other people's experiences, I only know my own. I could tear apart pieces of my life and try to find where things went wrong. I could try to pin point every minor flaw, but I'm not going to. What if my existence just simply is?

The first time I learned about the queer community, I remember being so curious and then terrified. My entire childhood, I was told that anyone involved being around or in that community, they'd burn forever. Yet, it's years later and here I am accepting it. I extinguished that fear long ago, I just never found the courage to admit it until recently.

I can't help that I feel uncomfortable when it comes to men's bodies. I don't think people deserve to be loved by people trying to pretend that there's a passionate fire somewhere where the ashes have smoldered over long ago. People deserve real authentic love.

Imagine if you loved someone romantically and then you found out that they struggled to find your body attractive. If that happened to me, I don't know if I'd be able to love so openly again. Love stings sometimes and it has the potential to be painful, it's a double-edged sword.

Do I love Stray Kids? I like to think so. I don't know the members personally, but I love the people we get to see. I like the parts they sprinkle in and the quirks that make them who they are. I enjoy seeing the talent and I continue to fall in love with their creativity over and over and over again.

Seeing eight creative forces driven by dreams and aspirations, it drives me in my own life. Do you think when they first appeared as trainees that they were that talented? Probably not. They dedicated so much time and effort into their craft. They could call it quits, but they continue to strive to better themselves.

It's not always an easy thing to do and that kind of life is riddled with challenges. Yet somehow, they seem to pull it off effortlessly in our eyes. I'm sure there's plenty things that are hectic and chaotic behind the screen.

I feel so lucky to know them. People aren't perfect and we're usually always flawed in one way or another. Whether it's stuck in our ways or maybe we say things in the heat of the moment. Perhaps, we're still trying to figure out which life path to take.

Life isn't easy, but they deserve someone who makes it feel that way. Like every breath is worth it. Endlessly and effortlessly. Love should be kind and accepting of your flaws. Love is not a barking anger, it's a gentle hand on your cheek and words of reassurance.

I don't think I could ever be who they needed me to be. There'd always be a part of me deep down that'd feel guilt for not loving them how they should be. A part would cringe and sure I could pretend to enjoy it, but unless something truly changed within me, I think I'd be dishonoring myself. You should never try to change something that makes you feel so happy and at peace.

[lieslab]

So different from the crowd

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Minho X gn reader

Summary: An evening in the park goes quiet after you reveal your inner struggles.

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 2.1K

Trigger warning: Self-hatred and identity issues.

A/N: I hope this comes across to the people who need it most right now. I'm feeling emotional, so consider this a love letter from me to you. You're going to do great things, I know you will <3

_ _ _

No matter how much time passed, it always still seemed to sting. There’s always different kinds of rejection in life. Sometimes simple words can easily be brushed off, but other times, they dig into sensitive flesh. Words worm their way into your brain and they follow the blood flow until they reach your heart. 

People try to learn how to take constructive criticism, but with a heart full of stitches and oozing holes, sometimes it feels impossible. Would it ever feel right? When would words start slipping off you like a water resistant coating instead of silencing you? Your hopes. Your dreams. Your identity. Why did it have to be so hard? 

For some, their identity is as simple as slipping on a t-shirt. It fits perfectly and it doesn’t feel wrong. The wool doesn’t irritate the skin. The cotton isn’t too tight. There’s never any questioning because the skin on their body fits properly. 

For some people, it will never feel right. The color of their skin, the way their bodies are formed, whoever they choose to love, it will always feel off; a tag scratching against the back of their neck, even if they try to cut it off. 

Will self-love ever win? Will it ever fill the aching void deep inside and settle the unrest? Will it finally feel as easy as breathing? When would it be your turn to experience the joyous feeling of loving yourself? 

“Wee! Look at me! Look at me!” 

You glanced over at the sound of a voice. Across the way, Minho was kicking himself higher and higher into a golden sunset sky. The diminishing sunlight caused his eyes to sparkle. He grinned when your eyes met his. 

His smile was infectious, so you felt your own start to grow on your face. “What are you doing?” You called out to him. 

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m swinging! Look how high I am?” A giggle spilled from his mouth. “I’m gonna go straight to the moon!” 

It was silly to be a grown adult and act so childish. Luckily for you, you liked silly. Minho and you had been close friends forever. He finished recording earlier in the evening and asked if you’d like to hang out. How were you supposed to reject the offer? 

The clouds smeared the skies with dark yellows. A gray-blue was swallowing the clouds whole across the way. Fleeting birds passed and swooped down along the ground. They were attempting to find the last bits of food before the fading sunlight disappeared. 

Minho’s legs pumped back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. Again and again and again. He constantly propelled himself higher and higher. You watched with a smile. 

Between the swings and creaks of the rusted swing set, Minho turned into a boy again. Youth filled his face and his laughter rang out louder. How many times must he have done the same thing as a kid? Back when swing sets felt like rocket ships and slides were space launchers. Quick adrenaline bursts at recess left him breathless and giddy for another chance to go higher or faster. 

Childhood was so fragile for some and strengthening for others. After all, it was the paved way into your teenage years. Your teen years dipped into adulthood and that’s why you were the way you were. 

“Come join me!” 

You shook your head. 

“Come on!” 

“I’m not interested. I don’t remember the last time I was on a swing set. Besides, the connecting chains are so rusted and what if I-” 

And then he was flying. The swing pulled back and swooshed forth, but he didn’t second guess the high speed. He shifted his hands and propelled himself off the rubber bottom. 

You gasped and jerked upright from the wooden picnic table you were at. The moment his feet dragged along the sienna mulch, you were up in an instant. You rushed over with wide eyes. “Hey, are you okay? You shouldn’t have done that! What if you would have gotten injured?” 

He said it with a mischievous smile. “You worry too much. Come on!” There wasn’t time to respond as he looped his hand through yours. 

He jerked you through the mulch until the two of you reached a blue-based mary-go-round. He gave you a gentle shove and stepped up to the side of it. When you hesitated, he patted the cool metal base. 

You climbed forward and sat down. Lowering your body onto it, you grabbed one of the white railings and let out a soft sigh. “Just don’t make it go too fast, okay? You know I get nauseous easily.” 

“I know, I know. I haven’t forgotten about it, so just try to relax.” He curled a foot around the nearest white mound and placed his other foot in the bed of mulch. He kicked off and the two of you began to slowly spin in a circle. 

“So what’s on your mind?” 

“Nothing.” 

“It’s written all over your face.” 

A creaking sound filled the air. The old spinning mechanisms beneath the machine hadn’t been used in quite a while. This specific playground was hidden away at the end of a dead end street. 

It wasn’t filled with lively children. It was so small and there weren't many kids in the area. A bigger and well maintained park lied in the heart of the town. Instead of maintaining this park, it just slowly seemed to rot away. 

Old paint peeled and was never repainted. The slide had a long worn spot along the metal where people used to slide down over and over again. The once playful laughter of kids had been replaced by a haunted stillness. 

The rocking animals were covered in a layer of heavy grime and rust. Over the years, the weather poured and snowed. Temperatures skyrocketed and then they froze again. Without maintenance and proper upkeep, the smiling bunny rabbit, and what looked to be a dinosaur, had been left to fend for themselves. 

“So what’s it really?” Minho tried again. 

It’s the one thing that you had bittersweet feelings about. No matter what you felt, he always picked up on it if it was a negative feeling. As if he was personally skimming through the thoughts in your brain and reading them word-for-word. 

“Do you ever feel like you’re not in the right body?” 

All that was left was the squeakiness of the merry-go round. His foot had picked up as you spun in a slow circle. He glanced off to the side and slowly blinked. The words were echoing in his head as he attempted to put a response together. 

“I suppose that I do feel like that sometimes, yeah. I’ll question different parts of myself, but at the end of the day, I’m me and I think that’s pretty cool.” 

You scoffed and shook your head. “Pretty cool? Yeah, well, it’s not pretty fucking cool when you don’t have half the population simping over your good looks.” 

“I hit a nerve, huh?” 

You shook your head and shoved your leg out to stop the spin. Instead, Minho kicked wildly at the ground. You yelped and clutched the pole you clung to while your body jerked back by the force of gravity. 

“Don’t go. I was half-kidding, but I was also serious. The great thing about life is that a person can change. We can fix our features and we can change our clothes. If we don’t like our hair color, we ca-” 

“And what about the color of our skin? What about the people we’re sexually attracted to? What if I feel like I’m in the wrong body with the wrong parts? If I’m just a puzzle and all the pieces are scrambled? What then?” 

“I’d say fuck the people who ever made you feel that way because you shouldn’t have to worry about things like that. Those are things that you shouldn’t have to change to please people.” 

“I just want to be accepted,” you finally whispered softly. 

The creaking began to fade away as the two of you came to a slow stop. The sun was disappearing quicker and quicker. Darkness was creeping from above, but it couldn’t hide the pools of sadness in your eyes. 

It didn’t stop the way your body curled in around itself. The flicker of the past and present colliding. Your young self pushing through the reflection of you and searching for that same praise and validation that you always had. You craved validation like a kid craved a proud parent. 

You’d go to the ends of the earth for someone, as long as it meant being recognized. At the end of the day, it was all you ever wanted. You wanted to be seen. You wanted to be heard. You wanted someone to reach out and clutch onto you and say it back. 

“I exist. I’m alive. I’m here and I’m breathing. Despite the hate, despite the disappointment, despite it all, I’m still here. I’m fighting, I’m trying, and I’m surviving.” 

The world wasn’t always kind to those with differences. How could it be? To be different was to be bizarre. An outcast. A freak. A weirdo. It terrified people to be different. 

“What if I’ll never be good enough?” You finally uttered weakly. “What if I’m just what people say I am?” 

“But what if you're not? What if you’re someone with an amazing heart? What if you’re someone who heals people in ways you don’t understand? What if you radiate sunshine and you don’t even realize it because the rain clouds are blocking your vision?” 

You hated how much hope you found in a single person because it felt like the world was screaming at you. You were being swallowed and thrown into a vortex with nowhere to scream. 

Rumors ran wild on social media. Society always seemed to throw you into a molded stereotype, even if you didn’t quite fit. You were stretched to be someone you weren’t. Squashed down just to be another statistic in a textbook. 

“You know…” he leaned back against the metal pole. The coolness sat among his spine and straightened his posture. “Sometimes there’s not enough people out there that speak up. Sometimes they’re anxious and other times, they’re just scared in general.” 

“But sometimes,” he continued, “some people admire others from afar. Things aren’t always so black and white. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you're not. You might feel like you have to, but you don’t.” 

His foot swung out again. Slowly, he shifted and he pushed himself backwards with the force. “This life can be a blessing or a curse, it’s up to you to handle however things are thrown at you.” 

Your eyes found the ground. He noticed it instantly, but he didn’t let up. “I hope one day you find the peace you need to find within yourself. I know I’m not a hundred people, but I know we’re friends and you value my opinion. No matter what you struggle with, I’m happy that you’re you.” 

He pushed a bit faster and a loud creak sounded. At that moment, it was just the two of you. Nothing else mattered as he spoke. You drank his words like a special elixir because you needed them more than ever. 

Life could be hard and people could be cruel. Self-doubt could slither in like a snake and have you choking for air before you knew it. It meant so much coming from someone like him. 

“I like you more than other people.” 

“Why can’t you just say ‘I love you’ like a normal person?” You tried to keep it together, but your voice cracked. It gave away just how vulnerable and lost you were feeling. 

“Love?” His face scrunched up. “Bleh. I don’t have time for that. I don’t think love is anywhere in my vocabulary.” 

“I love you too.” 

“Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

He shoved his foot hard across the ground. A handful of mulch fluttered in different directions and you screeched. He grinned and launched himself up onto his feet. He kicked again and again and again. You spun faster and faster, it felt like flying. 

That childish happiness was back. Around and around you went and where you ended up, nobody knew. How you landed was up to you. Your laughter tangled together beneath the yellowed streetlights. 

The abandoned playground finally felt the familiar warmth of innocence and laughter once more. 

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi @stellasays45

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

[lieslab]

"I confused the queen of england with Betty White."

"It started with men's legs."

"I would literally buy barricade tickets to a JYP concert and pretend to enjoy it to get Han Jisung his own Spotify account with all his songs."

"Like lately, I wanna get a man pregnant."

"Being an adult means that you can address letters with sparkly gel pens and nobody can stop you."

"Life gets so much better when you let go of the fear of pissing in public bathrooms. Girlhood is the sound of frying chicken and long golden streams."

"Swallowed a bone :("

"I don't want a coffin when I die, I actually want an omega nest. Put my plushies in there and cover me up."

"You can't stop me from watching twenty Bluey episodes."

"My love for black pepper is carnal."

The duality of a woman. Lie plz never change.

Man...how far down in my twitter feed did you scroll to find all these things? I have no comment. I make impulsive tweets. I could never survive as a k-pop idol on weverse or bubble. When I feel things in the moment, I hit the send tweet button and call it a day.

I tweet from my head and post fanfics from my heart. There's nothing else to say, your honor. I've got nothing to defend myself with. I still want a death omega nest. I love a good nesting and plushie moment.

I don't care if it's childish and I'm grown. My bed is packed with over ten of them and eight of those are single-handedly skzoos. Life can be cruel, but plushies and childish happiness can radiate forever.

Same goes for the Bluey tweet. I love a good cartoon to escape the hell on earth for a few minutes. 10/10 recommend watching cartoons if you guys are ever stressing.

[lieslab]

congrats on coming out qween but now im a bit down in the dumps cuz i liked to imagine that pabo hyunjin would find sum brain cells if he dated you 🤧

Every time I read this, I giggle. What makes you think I'm not a little dumb too? One time, I confused the queen of England with Betty White. Imagine how shell-shocked I was when I realized I was mixing the two up. Sometimes I have my own fair share of moments full of stupidity.

I would also like to point out that he is in South Korea and I am in America. We are an entire ocean away from each other. I can't lie though, it'd be super cool to befriend him. I love his art and I have so many questions about it. I'd love to befriend any of them, they're hilarious and I think I'd learn a lot. I'm sure they're wonderful to have as friends.

I'm truly just flabbergasted by this. I can't tell if you're joking or not. There's no way you've been actively imagining that. Out of everyone around that man that he'd look good with?!? I'm stunned.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess. Who am I to tell you what you can and can't imagine? You do you. If that makes you happy, then sure.

[lieslab]

Can i ask about the lesbian lore? You write about eight dudes & im super curious on how you figured it out.

Well, besides the ask that I just answered, it started with men's legs. Don't fucking laugh, it's NOT funny. This is a total TMI. I was with my friend one day and we were discussing men and I made a comment about how unattractive men's legs were, especially, when they're so hairy. She thought it was hilarious, but I was being so serious.

I got into Stray Kids because of Felix. He was my first bias and I utterly adored him and I still do hold a soft spot for him. He's wonderful, but one day he lifted up his shirt to reveal his abs and I shriveled with an ick. I hated it. Like it's amazing that he's in that great of shape, but my brain said EW.

I denied it at first. I was like no, it's fine, you're just being dramatic. Eventually, my bias switched to Hyunjin. I love his art and his stuff. He's wonderful and then not too long ago, he made that vlog where he was swimming shirtless. I shriveled with another ick.

My best friend has repeatedly told me over and over again that everything points to me being a lesbian and I kept denying it. I loved women, but I didn't want to accept that fully and I was grasping at straws. Just when I thought I was attracted to one of the guys sexually, they did something that gave me the ick.

It's not their fault, they're just dudes. It's not their fault that I physically don't find their bodies attractive. I think they're so hot and then when I think about them without clothes, I gag. I want to kiss them so bad, but when I remember they have dicks, I cringe.

Minho and Jeongin put on those long wigs and I swooned. I'm just being honest. I've rewatched that one skz family video like five times just to see them in wigs. I got the ahooga heart eyes with the cartoon sound effects.

They've always made it so abundantly clear that they're incredibly accepting, which I really appreciate. Yeah, I do write about them a lot. More specifically, I write about them in romantic relationships with women. I write about them because it's fun, but also because I think it's good practice for my writing skills.

Despite not being sexually attracted to them, I still love them an awful lot. They're funny, they're talented, and they're super sweet. I love their dynamic and they entertain me in a variety of ways.

Just because I said I was a lesbian, it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop writing about them or stop being a fan. If anything, it's made my love for them grow. Besides, have you seen that group? You can't tell me that there's not a single guy in that group that's a bit fruity themselves. You can say whatever you want, but Minsung is right there.

[lieslab]

How are u gay? Didn't u grow up religious? How did u realize it was okay? Aren't you afraid of hell?

I did grow up religious. I was evangelical and then I was a methodist and then I was nondenominational. I was a kid with parents and they were my parents. It's not like I couldn't say no. I think I was about twelve when something inside me clicked into place.

Some religions are beautiful. Some people find hope, faith, and community. They find outpouring love and support. However, that's not the case for everyone. I grew up knowing a lot of hateful people. Of course, it wasn't everyone, but it was enough that festered into me too.

I hated a lot of different people for the same exact reasons that my parents told me to. I hated people with different views. I hated people who didn't fit into my religious mold. I hated so many people, but there was a part of me deep down that didn't understand it. One of the most prevailing messages in the bible is to love your neighbor as yourself.

When I was twelve, I found a group of lgbt+ students at school. Despite being told by my parents that they were nasty and going to burn, that they were riddled with sin and possessed by the devil, they were some of the most supportive and caring people I had ever met. It was a huge shell shock because it seemed like my parents lied.

I pulled away from God after that. I stopped attending church, despite the anger from my parents. I stopped going to youth group and I fell down internet rabbit holes. I had always questioned heaven and hell.

Some people would say I became radicalized. Extremists would say that I became possessed by the devil, but I say that I just became educated. I left the bubble of religion that my parents had created. I wasn't allowed to befriend anyone who wasn't religious, but they couldn't control me at school.

Plus, my parents divorced and it rocked my parental supervision. One parent left and the other was devastated and angry. They were grieving and I was left to my own devices. A lot of my growing up after that, I had occasional people here and there, but I had to raise myself.

I realized the way I was being taught, there was a lot of fear. I don't think a relationship with any god should be based in fear. You shouldn't have to worship someone because you're terrified of the consequences. I didn't love God and never did, I feared him. I always feared being sent to hell.

Eventually, I stopped believing in heaven or hell. I started to read about other religions. I learned what other people believed. Everyone believes in different things. As for accepting my sexuality, there was always a pull towards women.

Even as a kid, I remember watching certain shows and thinking that specific female characters were pretty. I didn't actually realize what it was until I was older. There was a lot of denial about who I was because it was terrifying. When you grow up being told that people with a different sexuality are going to burn for eternity, it's difficult to unlearn that mindset.

So am I afraid of hell? No. Not anymore. The bible is thousands of years old and it's been written over and over and over and over again. In my eyes, it doesn't feel like a reliable source of information. Stories in the bible feel almost obvious. I don't think you should have to be told by a book to be kind.

As for the verses that talk about living a certain way, I think it's up to the reader to decide if they want to follow it or not. I like to think that I've turned into a better person away from religion. I'm happier and I don't live with anxiety about burning for eternity anymore. Of course, this is just my experience and everyone has a different religious experiences.

If you found another reason to live and keep fighting, if you find peace in your religion, that's okay. I think the only thing that makes it not okay is the hate and division that some people cause. They attach fear and hatred to God and it's gross. To go out and verbally harass people just because they believe differently than you, it's childish.

Some people have warped religion into a valid reason to be a bully. It specifically reminds me of the cruelty of middle schoolers. Religion should give us a reason to be kinder and gentler towards people. It shouldn't be a reason to want to kill one another.

[lieslab]

so......how are u feeling about the us election results?

You know, I don't really get political on Tumblr because I like to save it for Twitter. Twitter is based upon my actual personality whereas Tumblr, Wattpad, and Ao3 are just based upon my fanfic writing. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly disappointed.

I don't think I've posted it here on Tumblr or anywhere else besides Twitter, but I recently realized I'm a lesbian. Surprise. That's another conversation for another time. We can discuss that later.

That being said, my page and my stories will always be a safe space. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and ableism will never be tolerated on my page. Quite frankly, if that's a category that you fall until, you can unfollow me.

I hate the results of the election. I hate the things that man says. I hate the hatred that it's fired up in America. I hate the things that are happening in certain states. Honestly, I truly have considered leaving.

Our history is awful, we've done terrible and unforgivable things. People can't hear apologies beneath six feet of dirt. You can't clear the soaked blood from soil. We're a county built upon horrors and we've treated people horrendously.

Despite that, I like to think that there are some things that make America beautiful. For example, the way we celebrate holidays. We're a blend of different cultures. Every state seems to do things a bit differently. There are so many wonderful people here. I try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Focusing too much on all the bad can make a person lose their mind.

To hear someone so powerful and in a leadership position to badmouth people because of their gender, because of their sexuality, because of their religion, because of their beliefs, it's disgusting. It goes against everything America should ever be. It's horrifying, just some of the things we've seen since his name was uttered as the winner.

This page will always be a safe space. You can always come find a story if you're worried or struggling. My inbox is always open. I will not let the hatred of people change me just because they think I should mend myself and fit their mold. I will not shut the fuck up about my morals and principals just to please another.

I am me and I always will be. You are you and you always will be too. Despite the hatred, there will always be people out there full of love and with hope. There will always be people out there who fight against the darkness. There will always be people who care about you, even if you don't personally know them.

Being alive is scary as fuck. Hell, living sometimes feels like torture, but it happens. That's why we have dreams and hope. It's why we yearn for love and affection. I think we should all try to be better people and more understanding. However, if you have to put people down in order to get your point across, I think you should fuck off.

Kindness should always have boundaries. There is such a thing as being too kind. Trust me, I know. Sometimes, we can't change things and we can't change people. Sometimes, the best thing to do in certain situations is to simply walk away.

[lieslab]

Paris twilight

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin X fem reader

Summary: A joint Versace event leads to a memorable night in Paris.

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2.2K

A/N: This was a request from like over a month ago, so here it finally is. I made this super fluffy and kinda sicky sweet compare to what I usually write, so I hope you enjoy it!!

_ _ _

“Look over here! Over here!”

“And this way!” 

“Give us big smiles!” 

You’d never get used to it, at least, you didn’t think you would. Your head swiveled back and forth and the smile you wore grew brighter. Cameras flashed like stars and no matter how much you tried to ignore it, you couldn’t. 

The bright lights made it hard to see, but you had a job to do. Instead of sulking or complaining, your head remained upright. Your spine straightened and you waved out at the paparazzi lining the carpet. 

Further down the way, Hyunjin was doing his own thing in the custom outfit that Donatella made for him. It was a never-before seen thing, one that his company hesitated to agree to, but Hyunjin assured them that he was comfortable with it. 

The sheer golden shirt left nothing to the imagination and it glittered in the camera light. Tucked smoothly into black pants with a matching fierce eyeliner, it was unlike anything he ever did before. His siren eyes scanned the cameras and he shifted and posed again. 

You were in an outfit that you weren’t sure you liked at first. The black dress hung down to your mid-thighs. It was tight against your form and golden chains were used as straps. They hung loose off the sides of your shoulders and strung up along the front of your chest. They shrouded you in glistening gold to make you sparkle like a star. 

You were in gold highlighter and a matching eyeliner. Just as Hyunjin’s pants matched your dress, your makeup, jewelry, and dress straps and harness complimented his look. Donatella had purposefully coordinated the outfits to go together and the media was going to eat it up. 

You could already imagine the buzz of rumors from Dispatch. You and Hyunjin had already been questioned about your relationship before, but you always played it off as business. 

A photo of you together was taken at a cafe three months ago. You were laughing at something Hyunjin said and you were entirely unaware of the sasaeng that watched the two of you go into the building together. 

Another photo was leaked to the media only a few weeks later. Hyunjin and you were talking while consuming sushi. In the photo, he was bent over the table on his elbows. His chopsticks were posed to take a piece of sushi off your plate. 

It was somewhat true. You two had indeed been going to places because you were discussing work. You had your own thing and Hyunjin had his music. That first photo of the two of you taken together changed your life entirely. 

When Hyunjin was questioned by Donatella herself on your identity, he tried to play it off. Just work buddies. Just good friends. However, the further she pressed, the weaker he grew. How could he lie to Donatella? She gave him so much, so he caved. 

After a few meetings and measurement intakes, you were set to be Hyunjin’s plus one at her latest event. Donatella was thrilled the moment she laid her eyes on you. She had dreams of turning you into a Versace star. Whatever Donatella wanted, Donatella got it one way or another. 

You and Hyunjin tried to keep your romantic relationship hidden, but the moment that Dontella shared a back scene photo of the two of you smiling at each other and captioned it ‘Versace royalty,’ you were both screwed.

The secret was unraveling, fans were speculating, more outrageous rumors were brewing, so this was the night you were both set to come clean. Your heart had been beating a hundred miles a minute since you stepped out of the car. Hyunjin walked ahead and you followed after him, hoping the layer of makeup hid your blush. 

After bypassing security, you hit the carpet. The stars couldn’t get into the event without clearing the carpet first. Other guests could easily avoid it, but not you two. Donatella had made it very clear that she wanted you two to show off your outfits. Her team put in so much time and she didn’t want it to go to waste. 

“Are you ready?” Hyunjin mumbled as he stepped closer to you. His body was still as warm as you remembered. So many cameras and yet he was acting like this was no big deal. 

All you could do was nod. Your eyes found the ground and you blinked a few times. There were so many cameras and your vision was starting to flicker. A headache was threatening to break at any moment. You’d hate to sit through the event feeling miserable. 

He reached out and gently grabbed your chin. His dark eyes meant yours and for a brief moment, the cameras stopped. The two of you had traveled here to Paris together. From the plane, to the hotel, to car rides, you had never been alone in this adventure. Hyunjin had been right beside you and reassured you the entire time. 

Paris was the city of love. This morning, the two of you walked a few blocks to a less busy cafe. You pointed out the architecture and awed over it. Brightly colored flowers spilled over some areas. Bakeries smelled like yeast, sugar, and freshly baked bread. 

The more you walked around the city, the more you fell in love with it all. You were probably knocked as tourists by the locals, but you didn’t care. Hyunjin and you walked side-by-side and pulled bread from a still warm baguette. 

You sipped lattes and talked about dreams. Hyunjin fell for Paris almost as much as he fell in love with you. A barat sat on his head and at one point, he wrapped his arms around yours. His warm breath recited some cheesy line from a romantic poem and caused your cheeks to warm. 

He laughed at your blush as he pulled away. “Look at you, you’re just so cute!” He gently nudged your cheek with the baguette and while you complained, that teasing grin never left his face. 

That was then and this was now. The two of you didn’t kiss on the city streets. There were too many people and you were already risking your relationship with being so handsy, but it didn’t really matter because it was going to be hard launched tonight. You dreaded this moment then, but as his soft lips met yours, your heart melted. 

He was as sweet as the french pastry you had for dessert after your lunch. Your lips moved against him and the crowd gasped all at once. In the distance, someone shrieked and the camera shutters flickered faster. 

Hyunjin pulled away with a half-smirk. Beneath the lights, your pupils were dazed and your lips had slightly parted. He was away, but you still craved him desperately. You wanted more and as much as you would have loved to grab his face and kiss him again, you had a professional obligation to uphold. 

Hyunjin’s hand grabbed yours and with his other, he waved to the crowd. Your flushed cheeks stayed put as your hand gripped his tighter. All you could do was smile as he tugged you towards the event. 

You were breathless, joyous, and most importantly, you were in love. It striked your heart like a roaring match. It echoed in your ears with the pulsing of your blood. Butterflies brushed against your stomach and beneath the dwindling sunlight, it felt just how love should. 

_ _ _ 

You couldn’t remember much of the event a few hours later. Your mind was too busy focusing on Hyunjin. From the way he looked beneath the sheer top to the lights illuminating the happiness in his eyes. You wanted to photograph this photo and keep it safe forever. 

Donatella’s very own prince and princess, her Versace royalty. Hyunjin mentioned that she had more plans involving the two of you, but you didn’t mind. As long as you were with Hyunjin and he was okay with it, you were prepared for whatever she wanted from the two of you. It’s not often that someone with so much influence and inspiration catches not just one, but two muses. 

Out against an iron balcony, you sipped your glass of champagne alone. Hyunjin slipped off to go talk to a few people and he offered to bring you along, but you wanted a moment to take a breather. 

The bathrooms were full of dazzling women. They complimented your dress and the way your hair hung. They applauded your golden gloss eyelids and the way you carried yourself with such confidence. Everyone wanted to be as radiant and put together as the Versace Princess herself. 

“Would you look at that? It seems the princess ran away from her prince.” Footsteps approached you from behind. An arm wrapped around your bare shoulders. “Looks like we’re going to have to fix that,” Hyunjin teased. 

“You left me first.” 

“I offered you a chance to come along.” 

“I know, but I wanted to catch a break. Besides, can you blame me? Look at this view.” Your arm gestured out into the dead of night. 

Inside, the afterparty was full of dancing bodies. The alcohol poured and loosened everyone up. Models and celebrities were sneaking bits of conversation while circling the snack table. Donatella was making her rounds and thanking people for showing up and helping her team. 

Multi-colored lights flickered and the music turned up. A dance floor was pushed off to the side. Hired staff served beverages and even more staff kept the snack bar flowing steadily. 

On the outside, it was just the two of you alone. Across the darkness, the Eiffel Tower stood covered in golden lights. It seemed so small from where you were, so it was hard to believe it was actually pretty large up close. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around your torso. His chin found a perch against the crook of your neck. “The Eiffel Tower is stunning at night, but it’s not as dazzling as you.” 

“Could you get any cheesier?” You playfully swatted his arm. “You’ve got to be kidding. That thing is amazing and it puts me to shame. Look at all the glittering lights. They look a lot like stars.” 

“It doesn’t make up even a fourth of your beauty and I can prove it.” 

“Hyunjin, I-” You yelped. He pushed you back and an arm moved to support you from behind. One of your heels raised in the air as he bent you down in a dip. His lips pressed against yours and he held you against his body. 

Your fingers curled weakly against your wine glass. You struggled to keep it upright as you kissed him back. Beneath the blanketing darkness of Paris, you had never felt so alive. Every nerve inside your body vibrated with glee. 

You smiled into the kiss and no matter how hard you tried to stop, you simply couldn’t. The muscles of your face had a mind of their own. You were being dipped down by the love of your life and then- 

Click! 

Hyunjin’s face pulled away from yours instantly. He glanced over his shoulder to find Donatella standing in the doorway of the balcony. He quickly pulled you upright onto your feet and tried to stutter out an explanation, but she held up a hand to stop him. 

Her cell phone sat in her other hand and a smile spread across her face. “I came to say thank you for being my prince and princess, but I wasn’t aware that you were preoccupied with romantic affairs.” 

Your brain was screaming at you. How could you be so stupid? She knew you were together, but this was an afterparty for such a grand event. The two of you weren’t supposed to be snogging on the balcony. 

“I’m sorry, I-” 

“Don’t apologize, look at this!” She turned her phone to show you the photo she took of you kissing. The flash illuminated your bodies pressed against each other. It captured everything from your smile against Hyunjin’s lips to the way the Eiffel Tower posed perfectly in the background. 

“Can I post this on my Instagram?” Her eyes darted back and forth between the two of you. Her lips pressed together and she lightly bounced with excitement. 

Hyunjin glanced at you and you nodded. The two of you finally agreed and she squealed. Before you knew it, she rushed forward. Floral perfume embraced the two of you as she threw her arms over your bodies. 

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! My Versace Prince and Princess!” She squealed and pulled away. “Ugh, I love it so much! I’ve gotta go show this to my team. I can’t wait to work with this!” 

There wasn’t time to say anything as she rushed back into the afterparty. You and Hyunjin shared a glance and he shrugged. “So before that happened, I think we were in the middle of something.” 

“I believe we were.” 

He pulled the wine glass from your hand and placed it on a small nearby table. “So if you’ll just put that there, I think we can continue.” You hummed in agreement and wrapped your arms around his. 

In your head, Paris was now cemented in stone; it’d always be the city of love. 

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi @stellasays45

Masterlist

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[lieslab]

Why does my skin start to burn?

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Lee Felix X gn reader

Summary: Watching Felix read his bible leads to a conversation far deeper than he ever imagined.

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 2.1K

Trigger warning: Anxiety, religious guilt, anger, mentions of murder, sexual assault, hate crimes, hatred against women, child abuse, and animal cruelty.

_ _ _

And the two of you fell into a constant routine; a constant pull of gravity of earth and moon. One could not function properly without the other. What good is the earth without the moon? 

The pale moonlight that trails the lost from darkened woods. It highlights the faces of lovers at night and speaks whispers to children, at least, that’s what they think. Their very own personal protector against the darkness, a light in a beacon of nothingness, the one thing that makes them feel as if they’re not so alone. 

You were on your back and already tucked beneath the blankets. That moon sat outside the fluttering curtains. A cool breeze shifted in, but it didn’t help the bubbling anxiety. The what-ifs were back again and as much as you tried to push them away, they remained as a constant thorn in your side. 

Yellow light pooled around the front of the bed via a side lamp. Beside you, the warmth of Felix’s body provided comfort. He was sitting up beside you and tucked beneath the blankets too. You were both draped in the king-sized maroon bedding. Nothing could harm the two of you here. It’s what you wanted to believe. 

A black leather-back bible sat in Felix’s hands. The occasional wisp of a page turning filled the air. His eyebrows sat in a natural furrow as he studied the information. His lips moved as he read, a way to absorb more of the words that way. 

The word of God was so crucial to some. Sometimes in ways that you would never understand. How could you? How could you understand when talking to God felt like talking to empty air? 

People like to say God is there. They like to say he’s always listening and always watching. Maybe he is and maybe he isn’t. It’s always been something you’ve questioned. Some say it’s the lack of faith, but you always say that maybe it’s just the lack of mankind itself. 

Thoughts and prayers. It’s always the thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers through the hurricanes and thunderstorms. Thoughts and prayers when you’re left with your skin on fire after recounting an incident of sexual assault. Thoughts and prayers when life throws you into the deep end and there’s nothing to grab onto. 

There is no life preserver. The words pelt and then slide off of you. They hold no meaning. The weight of your actions is set in stone and words are just words. They can change at any time. A verbal pity works for some, but for others, it feels like receiving a half-deflated balloon on their birthday. 

You sat there with your eyes closed. The low hum of the ceiling fan and the soft whispers of Felix’s voice. Somewhere in the new testament, something about Jesus and the damnation of hell. 

The damnation of hell was eternal. Hot flames lick your skin, but there is no ice to soothe the burn. Skin shrivels and crisps and no matter how much you try, it just won’t disappear. Forever and ever, a seal of God’s abandonment. A testament that you’re just not good enough in his eyes. 

Life is hard and religion can be confusing. So many devotions and deities. Some say sit and others say stay. Everyone always says theirs is the right one, but which one truly is right? Which one saves you from the flames?

“Felix?” Your eyes fluttered open as you mumbled his name. His soft whispers didn’t stop. Too absorbed in the word, he didn’t hear you. He stayed focused until you shifted and called his name louder. 

“Hmm?” The bible slid down. His thumbs pressed down on the pages to hold the book open. “I thought you were asleep.” 

“How do you believe in God?” 

“Huh?” His head shifted. 

“How do you believe?” You uttered again. “How do you know it’s real?” 

“Because God loves everyone. God’s love is unchanging and it’s unconditional.” 

You shook your head, pushed off the blankets, and sat up. “How do you truly know? How do you stop it from feeling so silly? How do you believe in God when it feels fake?” 

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “When it feels fake? What do you mean?” He studied your body language. Your arms had curled around your torso. You looked so vulnerable as you eyed the book in his hands. “Oh.” 

He knew you often struggled. Dating someone who didn’t quite believe the same way as you could push a bit of a challenge at times. The two of you often did an unsteady dance. Most of the time, he kept his religion to himself. You asked here and there, but he never wanted to make you uncomfortable. 

“How do you believe in a God when it feels like everything is falling apart? When the world is crumbling, when people are cruel, when they’re getting hurt; how do you live with it?” 

You didn’t mean to pour it onto him like this. You didn’t mean to grieve and to seem so weak, but what else could you do? Empathy pooled and rather than living on earth, it felt more like living in the pits of hell. 

Another life lost to murder. Another hate crime because to some, skin color isn’t just skin, it’s a sin. Another kid forced into the ugly hands of the world because of who they love. 

The degradation and damnation of a woman. Just an object. A thing. A toy. A hole. A whore. 

Where was God when children went to bed crying and bleeding due to monsters within their households? When dogs were kicked in the ribs by strangers in the middle of nowhere? When a duct-tape cardboard box, full of kittens with sparkling eyes; a box full of vibrancy, was reduced to nothingness as it sank beneath the the top of a bubbling swamp? 

How do you believe when it all spirals out of control? When the darkness blinds you and no matter how much you try to take it off, you can’t fix a severed optic nerve. There is nothing that can restore the sight once the nerve is severed.

“I have hope,” Felix finally uttered. “I read this,” he gently shook the bible, “and I try to do what’s right. In the bible, Jesus is a sinless human, but we’re not like that. We’re bound to sin and fall into temptation at one point or another.” 

“But we’re made flawless in God’s image. So why does…” Your voice cut off as a lump formed in your throat. 

You knew it was dumb. He believed what he believed and that was that. It wasn’t your place to change it, but you just didn’t understand. How could someone so easily pretend that everything was okay? The world was on fire. Sin was everywhere. How didn’t it hurt him as much as it hurt you? 

“I have those days too, you know.” He shifted the thin black string that was glued into the book binding. The thick book closed with a soft thud. The string marked the last page he was on.

“There’s a lot of nasty stuff out there, so I read the bible. I utter prayers and I believe because I have to believe that something happens to cruel people. I have to believe that the monsters will get what they deserve when it’s all said and done.” 

“I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. In fact, I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be flawed, I want to be forced to change, I want to be challenged, so I can grow. What is this life if not a constant chance to stride to be better? To do more? To be a decent person?” 

One of his hands slipped into yours. Warm fingers curled around your palm and his thumb slid along the backside of your hand. “Some days, it’s a lot for me too. I think there’s a lot we don’t understand, but this makes sense for me.” 

“You really believe that sinning sends you to hell?” 

“I don’t think God will send you to hell if you tell a little white lie now and then, but I think he will if you like to be an asshole on a daily basis. I don’t know for sure, I’m not God. This book has been rewritten so many times, but I like to think that the theme is the same.” 

“I worry that the deceased people I love are burning. I worry that they’re lost on the other side somehow. I worry about death. I worry about…” Your eyes slipped shut, but a tear fell through. “I worry about everything.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not. One of the greatest things about life is that you can pick whatever you want. You can be who you want to be and believe in whatever you want to. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not.” He reached up and gently wiped the tear with his thumb. 

“You’re not going to break up with me and damn me to hell if I don’t believe in your god?” Your eyes opened to face him. 

A small smile tugged at his face and he shook his head. “That’s not who I am. As long as you’re not being a jerk and you’re happy, then why should I care? It’s not up to me to control you and you shouldn’t let anyone dictate things like that.” 

“You’ve got a good heart and a good head on your shoulders.” His hand reached up towards your face. Your breath caught in your throat and you fell hard into that pool of warm molasses. 

The sweetness of honey, warm molasses, and gentle understanding. Why couldn’t we have more of it? The kindness, the selflessness, the happiness that one inspired in others? As you stared into his eyes, you wished more people could be like him. 

“I want you to be happy. If you want to ask questions about God, I’ll try to answer them. If you don’t, that’s okay too.” He shrugged, “it’s not a big deal.” 

“How do you stay so positive when there’s so much evil in the world?” 

“I want no part of it. I like to think that maybe if I’m kind and I treat people how I want to be treated, maybe it’ll make a difference somewhere. Maybe I’ll change someone somewhere. The world could use more kindness.” 

His hand gently cupped your cheek. More tears were slipping out and he brushed them away. “There’s a lot of evil in this world, but there’s a lot of goodness too. Kindness doesn’t have to be some huge thing. It can be gifted to people in a variety of ways.” 

“Like yesterday,” he smiled, “a little girl was outside with a lemonade stand. She made signs and everything. I bought a cup of lemonade and then put a little extra money in her tip jar.”  

“She was excited and she said she was raising money for a new bike. She was so excited, she took off into her house with her pigtails bobbling.” He laughed at the memory of it. “It was so cute and it was just a simple thing, you know?” 

“That’s really sweet,” you finally responded with a sniffle. You reached up and brushed away another tear. The story pulled you from your darkened thoughts for a brief moment. 

“Life doesn’t always have to be so bad. Little things like that make a tiny difference in someone else’s life. You never know who you’ll meet or what life you’ll change with actions like that. Kindness is the best superpower that a person can have.” 

“Kindness isn’t a superpower.” 

“Hey! To me it is! I’m going to get a cape and everything. Put a logo right here.” He pounded on his chest with a fist. “Anyone can be a superhero with some kindness and understanding.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

His eyes narrowed at the sarcasm. “You don’t believe me? Hmm, that’s funny because if I said that I could cheer you up even more by offering to make my brownies…” 

“Anyone can be a superhero with kindness.” You nodded vigorously and quickly wiggled away. You squirmed to the edge of the bed and stood up. “Right, okay, let’s go.” 

He grinned and put his bible to the side. He started walking towards the door, but he stopped when your wrist captured his. A face of confusion met yours and you leaned forward. 

The sweetness of honey, warm molasses, and gentle understanding; it radiated through your body as your lips met his. 

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi @stellasays45

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

[lieslab]

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Tomorrow starts the beginning of a new week. So starting tomorrow, I get to organize and begin writing all your drabble submissions. If you submitted stuff, thank you!! Please be aware that I'll be going back and forth between writing your submissions and pre-planned stuff on my end. If you don't see your submission right away, be aware that it's coming, but it'll likely take a few weeks. Your stuff is coming, I promise.

I'm figuring out how to be an adult in the middle of writing drabbles and not to be dramatic, but it's truly incredibly hard. It's especially harder when you're stuck in a situation that's really shitty for your mental health. Not to mention, finding a career can be tough when you're constantly bouncing around new ideas. Not having a healthy support system is another issue.

There's a big reason why I write so much about mental health and how important it is. I never want to stop writing about mental health. So within the upcoming weeks, please don't be surprised if you find a few more fics focused more on mental health.

I call the people that read my stuff lab rats and joke around and whatnot, but I truly hope all of you are taking care of yourselves. It's getting darker earlier and I know this time of year is when people's happiness starts to fade a bit. The lack of sun and the bitter air can do a number on some. The temperature is dropping and bleh.

At some point, I'm going to be dropping a huge list of websites for everyone to use. I've been writing about mental health and there are a lot of super helpful websites out there that can shed light on a variety of different mental health issues. Whether it's struggling with depression or anxiety, spiraling out of control in a manic episode, or fighting the urge to end it all, there's a ton of resources out there.

Plus, some just offer some helpful advice on how to cope with things. I know not everyone has access and can afford therapy. Some people have families that don't believe in therapists. Others simply can't afford it. No matter what your situation is, you still deserve love and support.

So let's try to survive the colder months together, yeah? Despite the grey and gloom, spring will still come. There are warm bowls of soup between the littering trees. There's happiness in scented fall candles and the holidays are starting to creep up. If you enjoy the colder months, spend them well.

If you're like me and you hate them, there will always be another rainbow. We'll count the blessing as they come and continue to fight against the urge to dive beneath warm blankets and hibernate through it all. We've done it before and we can do it again.

Thank you so much for staying patient and willingly being part of my madness,

<3 Lie

[lieslab]

I am the face of love's rage

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Han Jisung X gn reader

Summary: After snapping at your boyfriend, it feels like the world is spiraling out of control

Genre: Angst

Word Count: 1.6K

Trigger warning: Grief, anger, child neglect and implied child abuse, domestic abuse, a moment of self-harm, depression, and self-hatred.

_ _ _

It’s just not fair. It’s not fair that you weren’t asked to be born. It’s not fair that you didn’t get to play a role in this. You were forced from the womb against your will; procreated by two people who were in over their heads. You were shoved into this brutal world with nothing. No hope, no love, no faith, nothing. 

Some people have consequences for their actions, but not your parents. Life went on and you grew. You grew up full of envy when it came to your friends. How much you wished you had their parents instead of your own. 

Family movie night seemed like heaven on earth. Being tucked in between your best friend and her mother. Fizzy soda poured and pepperoni pizza shined with grease. It stuck to elementary fingers and you accidentally got it in your hair. 

As you washed it out in the unfamiliar bathroom of your best friend’s house, you found love in unexpected places. The fuzzy oversized bright blue bath towel. The ones back at your house hadn’t been replaced since the early 2000’s. 

It was the way her mother tucked her in and included you. Pressing warm lips in a foreign way against your forehead. She insisted that she loved you, but you didn't know her long. How strange it was for love to float up unexpectedly. 

It came in high school sporting events when the stands sat abandoned. Not really, they were full of cheering parents, but none of them were yours. They were always too busy with work or maybe they were at home swinging verbal assaults at one another. 

Even when you graduated, you scanned the crowd hoping that by some miracle, they’d finally show up, but they didn’t. The cheers from the crowd and shrieks from your friends fell upon deaf ears. How wonderful it was to be created and getting nothing in return. 

Maybe parents don’t owe you anything besides a roof over your head. The food on your plate. Clothes that will keep you warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Maybe that’s all they’re meant for. 

At least, that’s what they think. Sometimes they never asked for you. You were a mistake and they didn’t think it through. Five minutes of fun suddenly became a future full of responsibilities and we’re all only human in the end, so some of us choose to run. 

You can outrun your past mistakes, but somewhere along the way, they will knot together and tangle. They will leave you suffocated and struggling to breathe. No matter where you go, karma has a funny way of catching up. 

Even if that means waiting to show its face until it snatches your soul from your body. Sometimes the only sense of justice we have in life is that which becomes buried beneath six feet of dirt. It’s not enough to stitch the wound, but enough to temporarily numb the hurt. 

You can raise a child in a plethora of ways. From drilling the growing brain full of political ideology to believing in a damning God. Fairytales and happy endings or demons that will wreck havoc across barren plains. A child can be full of whatever you want them to be. 

Children are a lot like flowers. When given the nutrients and water, when the love is piled high, when mistakes are teaching points instead of crucifixion, you can turn the world into a better place. A kid can go so far, but if you choose the opposite, how does a kid survive as an adult? 

Sometimes self-love isn’t enough. Those positive daily affirmations seem silly when you hate who’s staring back at you in the mirror. There will always be a dark void inside that doubts the love we’re granted. If our parents didn’t love us, then who would? 

It takes a village to raise a kid, but sometimes villages become abandoned. They starve to death, they take off for a better life, they become the people they swore they hated. Things happen and kids become abandoned. 

Physically, emotionally, verbally. A man-made damnation that has much more in common with a rabies filled wolf than anything. Snarling and growling; snapping and charging at anyone who gets too close.

You’re just a wild dog. Please forgive them, they don’t know why they bite. They don’t know why they isolate and self-destruct. They blow a fuse, intertwine themselves with self-pity and hatred, and then fall victim to the vicious cycle again. 

And then it repeats and it repeats and it repeats. 

Friendships shatter like glass that glistens in the flames of fire. Rage builds and words shoot to kill. A ballerina forced to dance on tip-toes while foot skin shreds apart and blood soaks the tips of pointe shoes. 

Sometimes you meet someone who feels soft enough to tame that wild beast. Han Jisung was full of flaws, everyone is. Insecurities sat between the heart and chest cavity, but he gave you a chance. He gave you a chance and you ruined it. 

Hands slammed into your skull as if that’d fix it. “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Your head throbbed and a headache formed, but you couldn’t stop. You deserved the punishment, at least, that’s what you thought. 

Some people aren’t born with the art of self-regulation. Some don’t know how to stop until it’s too late. You were angry and upset and a fuse was blown. You blew up, skyrocketed, and you didn’t stop the shrapnel of sharp words that flew from your mouth. 

They echoed in your head over and over again. You screamed until your voice gave out and you choked on your own frustration. You begged him to go away, chucked a book at his head in the process. 

Tears flooded his eyes, but he refused to budge. It killed you, you hated that look. With a quivering bottom lip, he spoke the soft words that wouldn’t leave your head. 

“I’m not going to leave you because I love you. So throw what you must. Scream at me until your lungs deflate, damn me to hell, I don’t care. I will love you until I’m old and gray. I will love you until the stars burn out and even then, I’ll find a way.” 

A gentle softness against the shrieks in your head. A hand wiped away your tears, after he took the risk and shuffled towards you. You shoved it away and slammed the bedroom door in his face. 

It was something so childish, so stupid, something that your parents used to do to you. You remembered what it was like when that gust of sudden wind hit you. It was a reminder that love was meant to be earned, not freely given. 

You didn’t deserve his love, his support, his softness. You didn’t deserve Han Jisung and you knew that, but why the fuck did he not know that? He was a thorn in your side and you hated him. 

You hated him because you loved him. You knew you were awful. You couldn’t control your emotions. You were the rain of an incoming tornado. Too hot, too humid, cold rain, and a chance of sudden hail. 

 A kid without guidance. One that had grown up and found themselves tangled in their mother’s misses. Your father’s regrets were imprinted in your skull and no matter how hard you tried to get through bone to rip out the stitches, they were always there. You could grit your teeth and scream, but you were always going to be a product of your parents. 

When you grow up without everything, it’s hard to figure it out. Self-love can be conflicting. Positivity feels impossible. The past creeps around you like a cobra and strikes when you least expect it. 

A victim. 

A survivor. 

A monster. 

An abuser. 

The words spun around in a cyclone and became tangled. Did you blame your parents for this mess or would you blame yourself? You could have been better, they should have made you better, but you were grown. 

Tears stung your eyes and everything swelled. It compacted into a lump in the back of your throat. It sat there and wouldn’t move. No matter how many times you tried to swallow, it wouldn’t go away. 

So you collapsed against the side of the bedroom door, just like Han knew you would. He was pressed against it from the other side. He listened to you silently as you spun out of control. Tears slipped down his cheeks, but he didn’t intervene. 

Your ragged breaths caused him to shut his eyes. He worried about you far more than you’d ever know. He cared too much and he’d never stop. He meant what he told you, he meant it with every fiber of his being. 

Snot strung from your nose and slipped down your upper lip. It tasted like defeat and failure. You squeezed your eyes shut and a whimper slipped out. 

Han couldn’t reach you through the door. As much as he wanted to grab you and smother you with love, you wouldn’t allow it. You had to take time to calm down. You had to figure yourself out. 

In the meantime, he’d be here singing softly. One of his songs that he wrote years ago. A sweet voice murmuring a symphony while your entire being crumbled behind the door. A lullaby to soothe your tired and weary soul. 

If only years ago, it would have been coming from the larynx of your mother instead.

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi @stellasays45

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

[lieslab]

Saw your one direction retweets babes. Are you good? You okay? Def not but me neither.

Trigger warning: Death, drugs, and abuse

_ _ _

Am I good? Am I GOOD? Absolutely not. I have so much lore when it comes to One Direction. This is my John Lennon moment. Of course, I was up to date on One Direction discourse and things happening with the members.

Before I was part of Stay, I was a die-hard Directioner. I had an entire Twitter account and everything. I think I was like nine when I first got into One Direction. From 2011-2014, they meant everything to me. I used to come home from school and spend hours on stan Twitter. I was reading those kidnapped by 1D fanfics. Hell, I even wrote one of them at some point. I wish I still had it, but I deleted it.

When I was like twelve, I started writing One Direction drabbles. It's literally part of the reason why I write Stray Kids drabbles. It's why I write full-length stories. It felt so nostalgic and reminded me of One Direction. I remember how fun it used to be to read the little One Direction drabbles. Back when we used to have those silly photos and they'd have words on them, the memes and everything.

I had posters, I had albums, I had their school supplies, and I had their bedding. I was a little girl with a dream to move to England and marry Liam Payne, he used to be my favorite member. By the time Zayn left, I wasn't as much of a fan anymore. I outgrew One Direction and slipped into other fandoms. I've always been a fangirl deep down within a wide variety of media.

I don't really listen to any of their single stuff anymore. I was a big Harry fan for a while and then it drifted away. They went their separate ways and I grew up. Deep down, I always hoped for a reunion of some sort. I knew there was tension between members. I'm fully aware of everything that was coming out about Liam Payne by his ex.

I know he struggled and it took him down a dark path. I know he made awful choices and those awful choices really made him a shitty person, but did he deserve to die in such a way? Did he deserve to die at all? No, he needed help.

Mortality is the cruelest thing in this world. It comes without warning and for some, there is no redemption. There is no chance to get better. There will never be apologies that people deserve. It's a heartbreaking reminder to check yourself and your actions. Check on the people around you because you never know when this could all end.

It's so much more than that. It's a conversation about drug abuse. A conversation about abuse. A conversation about how much fame can destroy a person. The constant peer pressure, the lack of privacy, the constant vicious cycling of social media.

It is so easy to be ripped apart in this world. There are pieces of me that are so sad. I spent so many happy days engaging in One Direction content. I was an incredibly lonely kid with strict religious parents. I wasn't allowed to be friends with certain people. I couldn't read certain books, but I was allowed to have One Direction.

My parents didn't understand social media or the internet. I learned about relationships through One Direction fanfics. My birds and the bees conversation didn't come from my parents, it came from One Direction fanfics. I made friends on stan Twitter years ago. Some of the best moments with a past friend involved One Direction.

Some people say it's not about the fans. It's not about his past. Some people are blaming his ex-fiance (which is really fucking gross) who finally found her voice to speak up about constant harassment and abuse. Death isn't always so black and white. People are allowed to mourn in different ways.

It's okay to be sad because of the choices he made. It's okay to be angry and upset because it's not fair. It's okay to grieve because a member of your favorite childhood band died. It's okay to scream and burst into sobs because it shouldn't have ended this way. It's okay to feel so defeated because there was no redemption. Everyone copes differently.

What's not okay is hiding behind a screen and harassing people. Harassing his exs. Going to the other members' pages and begging them to speak up about it. Invading his family's privacy just to see what they have to say about it. It's weird and some people have become too comfortable with it all.

This should be a reminder to everyone that we don't get out of this alive. We don't know our idols behind closed doors. We don't know them personally. Actions and words have so much power. Things aren't forever. You can always grow and change. You can try to be better, if you wish. You can ask for help. Reach out if you're struggling, please.

It does not make you a bad person to grieve a loss of life. Some people spend too much time on social media. I had to force myself to get off of TikTok because I'm being flooded with sad edits of Liam and One Direction. Take a breather outside of the chaos for a while.

A kid lost his dad. A mother and father lost their son. Siblings lost their brother. A girlfriend lost her boyfriend. Friends lost their friends. Band members lost someone that they used to consider their brother (and maybe that's still true) Fans lost something too.

Drink some water and please try to find it inside yourself to eat something, even if it's just as simple as a granola bar. Take all the time you need to mourn. People mean different things to different people. Whether you hated him or liked him, you're allowed to feel whatever you feel in its entirety.

[lieslab]

HEYYYY!!!

this is a random rant so feel free to ignore this one if you want to

so i saw this one dream where i was in a market sort of place with felix, giving him the juiciest of the gossip i had, while seungmin was giving us a very bombastic side eye. the three of us walked some more before i bumped into minho and idk why he got really mad at me and began beating the life out of me. we got into a bad fight when jisung, one of the people creating the unwanted audience around us, said "oh my god". something clicked in minho and i and we pulled jisung by his collar and began beating him (#justiceforhanjisung😔)

scene change

i was in a small concert kind of thing which, for some reason, was looking more like a private christian wedding. there were flowers, flowers and even more flowers. literally, there were flowers everywhere. changbin was singing and idk why he began laughing at me. bangchan comes and kicks changbin, throwing him across the whole venue to the other corner. all of a sudden, seungmin creeps up behind me and stabs me.

that is how i died, kids

ANYWAYS IF YOU READ THIS THEN HAVE A GOOD DAYYY

STAY HYDRATED <33

That sounds exactly like something Seungmin would do. He's jealous because you left him out. I can't believe you were jumped and then tag-teamed Han. Harsh. Changbin would look lovely singing in flowers, but not being punted across the room :(

What did you do to make them mad? This is crazy to read because this feels entirely random and wild. My dreams aren't like this (am I missing out?) I get entire plotlines and everything in mine.

This made me giggle a lot, so thank you!! I shall try to have a good day. You also better be staying hydrated and eating food <3

[lieslab]

I saw that your requests were open so i’ve had this one in mind for a bit 🙏 A comfort hyunjin fic where the reader has had a horrible relationship with her brother growing up? where her older brother was physically and verbally abusive towards her and now that she’s grown up she always sees other girls who have good relationships with their siblings and gets jealous so she just shuts down. it’s something i still struggle with 6 years later even though he’s moved out 😭 thank you in advance if you write it! 🫶

I'll write this one because I think I can deep dive into it, but I will say that I do have this post here with all the guys involving an incident with an older sibling. It's really hard to grow up with an older sibling that doesn't fill the older sibling role well.

I didn't grow up with that exact incident, but I did have an older sibling that didn't really attempt to be older or more mature than me. It was really frustrating and upsetting. Even years later, I'm grown and still feel a similar bitterness. It's hard not to be jealous of people who have dependable and responsible older siblings that actually care about them.

It's disappointing and when you mix in abuse, I imagine it's so much worse. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Sibling or not, nobody deserves to be abused at the hands of another. I hope that it'll be able to provide some comfort. The world and people can be so harsh. I've got a few more requests to write before this, but stay tuned <3

[lieslab]

Reposting this to let everyone know that I just finished writing this. Now you can read the entire thing from start to finish without having to wait for updates.

Introducing: He's got the whole world in his hands

| If you'd like to read my drabbles or find more of my full-length fics, you can find them here |

Minsi Park has the perfect life; a great group of friends, a college degree paid for by her mother, and nothing could go wrong, at least, until a murder on the college campus leads back to a ouija board. Just like that, her perfect life is shattered. Forced back home and into the controlling hands of her religious mother, a hatred begins to stew. It continues oozing when the catholic priest comes to visit.

Fresh out of the seminar, Father Yang is fully prepared to step up to the challenge of keeping people tied with God. Faith is the utmost importance and he strives to create healthy relationships with religion. Being under the watchful eyes of the church and being held to strict standards, he has no doubt he'll make a great priest.

When Minsi's mother reaches out, desperate to save her daughter from the fiery eternal pits of hell, he doesn't hesitate to step up and help out. A wounded daughter bound with religious trauma and a priest running from the demons of his past, good and evil tend to collide; and when whispers of demonic possession become involved, perhaps there's more to it than anyone ever expected.

_ _ _

He's got the whole world in his hands is a full-length psychological horror fanfic on Wattpad and Ao3. You can find the playlist right here (along with almost every other playlist for my full-length fanfics)

Contains:

*Jeongin as a priest (obviously)

*Religious trauma (yikes)

*A mystery that leaves you wondering whether or not Satan had something to do with it

*A main character who grieves and longs for the past while dealing with her own inner demons

*Romance that definitely shouldn't happen

*Demonic possession

*An ongoing identity crisis

*A whole lot of white lies

*Seungmin appearing and being a pain in Father Yang's ass

*Felix with his Bible

*Bang Chan as a college professor

*Changbin grieving his dead girlfriend

*Hyunjin popping up and into places mysteriously like a weasel

*Han and Minho living together and causing chaos like it's their job while they help the main character investigate a murder

*A major plot twist

*Ends with an unhappy ending (which may or may not leave you incredibly upset and wanting to murder me :/)

[lieslab]

Hi!! I was wondering if I could request an angst/hurt/comfort fic with chan where the reader is severely addicted to caffeine? Like they used to be so addicted and used it as a coping mechanism and it got so bad they had a hospital scare. So they quit for a while thanks to chan, but then secretly fall back into it due to stress. Another member (you can choose) finds out and then tells chan because they’re aware of what happened previously. and then you can choose what happens afterwards! thank you if you consider my request!!

I'm reading this with a coffee that contains three-hundred milligrams of caffeine in it and going 😃 I'm going to write it and make it so angsty and then end it with fluff because Chan just wants to save the day. Caffeine can be so scary if you're not careful and it's an easy thing to abuse. For a while, I used to be addicted to caffeine and had to slow down with it because I was getting random heart palpations.

I don't know if you picked this randomly or if it's something that you struggle with irl. Whatever the case, please take care of yourself <3