#or i get terrible depression

[daisywalletchains]

I miss the sun 🌞

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

[myokk]

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

i thiiink hes soooo prettyabyway

[melit0n]

"Like lovers entwined...I know for the last time; you will not be mine. So give me the night, the night, the night."

[statementlou]

.

[girlivealwaysbean]

mann im going to get my blood reports tomorrow and im lwk scared

[say-hi-intrepid-heroes]

.

[feralnumberfive]

I wrote about Dana Scully and Gillian Anderson in my assignment and got ✨ 30/30 ✨

[jusiri]

Love when I finally manage to convince my brain to get up and start doing the things I need to be doing just to turn around and have my stomach over-rule that decision

[tapestryundone]

not to get controversial but i am an adamant believer that neither tsm and tlq are bad and that while their actions can both get pretty fucked up, theyre both reacting frankly the best way that they know how given the horrible situation theyve been forced into...

[icebrooding]

"Second?" Cadeyrn frowned. "Why am I second? I have awakened before the rest."

Just some ramblings on one really unfortunate secondborn.

I remember reading someone calling Cadeyrn 'just a cartoon bad guy', which I think is a really oversimplified way of taking his character arc.

All quotations are from Dream and Nightmare and Requiem: Caithe.

Cadeyrn was, by nature, something very special. He was the very first of an entire new generation of sylvari, and he expressed his self-importance as soon as he was born. He awoke with something of an ego, which was immediately sniped down because despite being the first of his generation, he is instantly regarded as 'second' because of the twelve firstborn.

While this is very likely just a rational 'well, we existed first, so we are first, and he is second, because he came after us', to Cadeyrn this is a pretty hefty blow; it's not like he would have believed he was the first sylvari ever when he notes that 'none of the others in (his) dream have awakened', but is perfectly receptive to the firstborn's presence and explanation of how/why he is there. He is not trying to claim in this moment that he is the 'most important sylvari', rather that he is special in his generation for being the first to awaken out of all of them.

He feels special much in the way the firstborn feel special; but they've basically shot that feeling down immediately.

The next part of his story focuses on his 'aberrant' nature compared to his siblings. When he sees Malomedies' grievous injuries at the hands of the asura, his first instinct is vengeance.

"We must kill them all." Cadeyrn's eyes flashed dark gold, and his hand clenched around the hilt of his sword.

At this point in their lives, the asura at the only other 'major' race they have encountered in person and lived to tell the tale of (as I assume Riannoc never came back to the Grove with Waine). To Cadeyrn, he is seeing the asura much like the asura saw Malomedies. At this time of their lives, the sylvari would not really know of races beyond humans (Ronan) and centaurs (Ventari), but they would know of hostiles in the jungle. It's perfectly valid that Cadeyrn saw asura as just another hostility rather than another 'major race' like them.

Regardless, Cadeyrn voices his viewpoint and is chewed out for it. And while Kahedins is correct on the lines that revenge is generally a bad idea, this marks the first (noted) time that Cadeyrn is immediately shot down and lectured at regarding Ventari's tablet.

"It is not enough! How will Malomedies find peace if he does not take revenge?" Kahedins stared disapprovingly. "Revenge? Revenge is not our way. Have you not studied Ventari's tablet?" As the secondborn lowered his head belligerently, Kahedins lectured, "It is written, 'The only lasting peace is the peace within your soul.' You should meditate on that, Cadeyrn, and consider its meaning."

Cadeyrn's next observation is interesting;

Cadeyrn glanced at Trahearne, whose expression was as black as his own. No soldier would say such things. No one who had ever lifted a blade to stop oppression, or placed themselves in danger to free innocents, would say that revenge was unfitting.

This is an important moment, signalling that perhaps Cadeyrn could have found kinship in Trahearne, who appeared to be harbouring the same kind of negative emotion he had. Some violent nature beneath. The fact that after mentioning his brother, he goes on to talk about soldiers, stopping oppression, or sacrifice, implies that these are things he knows Trahearne has done/is like. Thus, he has confidence that on this occasion, Trahearne will have his back. That the first of the firstborn will agree with him that sitting back and accepting apologies is not the way to go about this.

Abruptly, Trahearne looked up toward the spreading boughs. "Yes, Mother," he answered a whisper only he could hear. Chagrined, the necromancer unclenched his fists. "The Pale Tree says we need to concentrate on our true enemy: the dragons. Every ally will be needed." Gritting his teeth, Trahearne finished, "We make peace with the asura." Cadeyrn was not sure what was more troubling, that Trahearne had given in or that the Pale Tree had spoken only to the firstborn. Following suit, he bent his head. "As the Mother wishes."

Trahearne is deeply unpleased with the course of events, and obviously does not agree with the other firstborn on just letting it go. But the Pale Tree swayed his opinion, talking only to him.

While both of her sons are plagued with the same misgivings and yearning for revenge, she only talks privately with Trahearne to persuade his mind back onto the righteous path all sylvari should follow. Cadeyrn is left ignored and his feelings unanswered, when he is the one who needed it the most.

And so, the scene ends with Cadeyrn losing his potential kinship with Trahearne, and feeling uncared for.

After this is the krait incident.

Where he, Niamh and a few younger sylvari are out hunting krait because krait are vicious and murderous. A few of the sylvari with them lose their lives, and upon finding the krait's babies, Cadeyrn wants to continue with the extermination.

"Cadeyrn!" Niamh said sharply. Cadeyrn paused, looking up at the leader of his Cycle in confusion. "Leave them." "But...they are krait." "They are children." "Children." He frowned, for the word had little meaning. "You mean 'they are small.' They are small, but they are krait. They will grow up to be large krait, and then we will kill them. Why not kill them now, when it is easy and they are undefended? It seems the wisest course of action. Otherwise, we risk losing more sylvari lives when these return fully grown."

And frankly, Cadeyrn has a point. If the example had been almost anything else, he would come across as being murder-happy, but (despite it being problematic) krait have genuinely no other alignment. I understand that due to their youth, it's likely none of the sylvari are truly aware of the krait's nature; but in this one instance, he is justified in seeing this as the right course of action.

He is viewing the situation pragmatically; he knows that doing this now could save more lives in the future. And Niamh is looking at the situation empathically:

"We must take that risk, to give them a chance to change their ways," the firstborn said. "All things have a right to grow. The blossom is brother to the weed." Soberly, she put away her sword and pushed the altar back. Beneath it, Cadeyrn could hear the snakes scrambling, splashing away into the ocean tide.

But she is not necessarily wrong, either. Cadeyrn is correct in outside-universe terms, where we know the krait, but Niamh is correct in-universe terms, where the sylvari still barely understand them.

"Again the firstborn quote the Tablet when I ask for logic." He growled beneath his breath. "I do not agree."

And, of course, Cadeyrn's second (known) experience with having his views put down in favour of the tablet with no room for discussion.

After this, an indeterminable number of months later, comes Cadeyrn's breaking point.

"Mother," Cadeyrn murmured, raising his hands in gentle supplication. "I need you." The wind soothed the leaves at the top of the Pale Tree, and Cadeyrn felt her presence. Softly, the Mother murmured, "Son of my bough, what do you seek?" "Wisdom." Tears touched his eyes, and he rubbed them roughly with the back of his hand. "I see the evil in the world; I am told to fight it, but the lessons of the tablet shackle me. They prevent me from doing what is right. We put down our weapons when we should go to the slaughter. We turn away from vengeance when we are wronged, even though our spirits cry out for it. We do not take what we desire, or kill whatever we wish, or use our strength to force the world to hear us! These things are within us when we awaken. Why do we turn away from those impulses? Why do we do not follow our instincts? Always, we justify our actions with this tablet. Why do we not do whatever we want?"

I think it's an important detail that at this point Cadeyrn is on the verge of tears from frustration.

While some of his dialogues are a bit... uneasy and speak to his desires being more twisted than noble ('kill whatever we wish', 'force the world to hear us', 'why (...) not do whatever we want'), there is also the fact that he has been harbouring these feelings for a long time and that they have been constantly brushed off any time he has tried to speak up.

When he talks about 'these things (being) within us when we awaken' he is right to question them, to wonder why his nature inherently has violent impulses and dark thoughts. But these are not addressed. He is left in the dark about part of his core nature, told instead only to focus on the 'good' parts of himself while denying the full reality of who he is. And he cannot work past those things by simply burying them and pretending they do not exist, as that is how he reaches this point. Resentment. Frustration.

The Pale Tree rustled softly. "The most effective path is not always the best one, sapling. As the firstborn have done, you must strive to be good." The words stung. "Who defines 'good?' You? Ventari? Some dead human?" Cadeyrn retorted. "The firstborn are not perfect."

And again it loops around to the firstborn. Even trying to confront his Mother about his own feelings, he is again put in a situation of being compared. And, being aware of the same impulses and thoughts he has being present in the firstborns (Trahearne, likely he has already communicated with Faolain by now), it is a deep wound. In his eyes he is being compared to those as 'faulty' as him, but can do no wrong in their mother's eyes perhaps because they do not voice nor try to act on it. The darkness is only acceptable when it is pushed down and neglected and allowed to fester, instead.

"Would you do evil in my name?" The Pale Tree sighed. "Would you cause devastation, as the charr do? Or justify wickedness in the name of knowledge, as the asura do? No, Cadeyrn. We come into this world to destroy the dragons. We must not lose ourselves in that challenge." "Have we not already lost ourselves, Mother? We are not centaurs or humans. Let me destroy the tablet, and we will see what it truly means to be sylvari." There was no answer. As dawn rose and bathed the clearing in gold, Cadeyrn realized that the tree would say no more.

I think Cadeyrn is valid to be upset that their culture and nature is something they have not cultivated themselves. And we know from Malyck's existence that being raised by their own nature does not inherently lead a sylvari to wickedness; he was as kind and caring as any, but willing to do what he must.

But I think it is interesting also, the way the Pale Tree talks about the other races in sweeping generalizations. Maybe this truly is how she views/ed things; that any race that exposes more of the harsher aspects of sapient nature is in its own fashion 'evil'. That she believes if Cadeyrn were to act on any of his 'negative' impulses, that would make him 'evil' too.

It feels like there is a very black-and-white morality being enforced, and the pressure of that is essentially suffocating Cadeyrn who, while viewing things through an increasingly black lens, is still gray.

Regardless, what comes next is essentially the most important moment of Cadeyrn's life. One that we actually get two viewpoints for.

"She will not hear you." The quiet voice was feminine, but it was not the tree who spoke. Spinning, Cadeyrn readied himself for battle but froze when he saw Caithe, cold and still, standing in the last shadows of night. "She will not hear you," Caithe repeated. "I am the first of my generation—" he began, raising his voice in argument. Caithe shrugged and interrupted, "Why should she care? She has thousands of children now, Cadeyrn. You are either firstborn...or you are simply sylvari."

This is the moment that breaks him. The reiteration, for what feels like the hundreth time in his short life, that he doesn't matter. His feelings don't matter. Because he isn't a firstborn. It doesn't matter that he was the first of the secondborn, he is now just 'one of many'. And by being so, his thoughts and feelings are brushed aside even moreso than they were when he was newly awakened himself.

And so, we move on to the second viewpoint of this scene.

Cadeyrn stood before the Pale Tree and asked her to abandon Ventari's Tablet. The world had shown us its ugly face, he said, and the tablet prevented us from defending ourselves. He wanted us to display our strength. Show our thorns. I remember thinking he was a fool. An empty-headed secondborn who could never understand the importance of a peaceful life. I hoped the Pale Tree's avatar would appear and tear him down for his ridiculous ideas. Instead, he received only silence. It was one of those moments where fate diverged. Where mere words could've changed the course of everything to come. Cadeyrn was wounded. Of course he was—he had spoken out, and the Pale Tree ignored him. "I am the first of my generation," he insisted. "I deserve to be heard!"

I think that, not just with Caithe, but it was so deeply ingrained into everyone else that Cadeyrn was 'wrong'. That he was foolish, that he didn't deserve to be heard. He was hurting and in despair, and it fell on silent ears every which way he turned to.

I could've been gentle with him. Told him he mattered, that the Pale Tree heard and understood all her children. I could've been harsh and called him a traitor. Warned him his wild streak would endanger us all. They were both what he needed to hear. But I was callous back then. And so, so shallow. "Why should she care?" I said. "She has thousands of children now, Cadeyrn. You're either firstborn...or you're simply sylvari." I wish I could go back and erase the smugness of my voice. Soothe the sting of what I said to Cadeyrn. But I said it, and it changed him. My cruelty hardened his heart and planted the seed of resentment. Hatred. I know I wasn't the only one, but I helped set him down the road he would soon follow. To the creation of the Nightmare Court.

Cadeyrn was in such a vulnerable weak point, having been pushed to tears by his long-neglected thoughts and feelings, and then simply ignored when he desperately longed for answers. Needed someone to acknowledge that he was his own person, that he deserved to be heard. Not just turned away. Not just ignored because his thoughts were 'evil'. And so, with that weighing on his shoulders, he heard the thing he needed to hear the very least. And it shattered what was left of him.

So after aiding Faolain in the Silverwastes, he never returned to the Grove and instead founded the Nightmare Court, a place where he could find freedom that had been long-denied to him. A place where all would listen to him, for once. Where his thoughts and feelings no longer fell on deaf ears.

But he still yearned for his mother to acknowledge him. To listen. And that's exactly what he would make happen, one way or another.

"I will make you hear me, Mother, like it or not. When I am finished and you are free at last, then I will be first in your heart!"

And as the leader of the Nightmare Court, it is easy to see that his fall into nightmare has changed him.

"We, the sylvari, are the future. It is our time. We must leave behind the fears of awakening. Let go the stone that weighs us down. We were born to be more than this. We were born with a darkness in our Dream and in our heart that we could embrace...if only the Mother were not so afraid of the night. It is time to show her that her children are more than even she has dreamed we could be. "If the sylvari are to survive, we must learn from the poison thorn and the stinging nettle, the vine that crushes the very sapling which holds it to the light. We will raise the nightmare. We will see Tyria remade in our image."

Cadeyrn's words simply echo his sentiments from across his life so far. He is willing to accept the darker and more 'evil' part of himself, but with his fall to nightmare it becomes more of a... consuming force. Than something that co-exists with more 'good' ideals. He has a strong focus on proving himself/his Court to the Pale Tree. To the world. Because he was pushed aside and ignored and his feelings left neglected for so long, that now the only way forward he sees is to corrupt the world to the most extreme of his ideals, all in the hopes of getting the Pale Tree to finally notice and care about him.

As for how he became dethroned in his own Court... well, we know what Faolain is like. The way she manipulated Caithe for years with starving her of all affection and then love-bombing her just to do it all over again. It's not difficult to imagine her manipulating Cadeyrn too, preying on his weakness and vulnerabilities, especially when he has made them so clearly known. Replacing him in the very Court he founded and built. It feels grotesquely in-character for her; stealing his place until his name isn't even a whisper amongst Dreamers, but Faolain's name is known to all.

Cadeyrn's story is, ultimately, extremely depressing. While he is the viewpoint character and thus things skew to his interpretation of events, it's easy to see how he became the way he did. And I appreciate Caithe's Requiem for acknowledging that Cadeyrn didn't have to become the person he did and that what happened to him was not just because he was 'inherently a bad person'.

There is just... something so tragic about someone whose entire life was dedicated to being acknowledged and having someone listen to him and not disparage his feelings, ultimately dying alone with his name lost to all but the few sylvari who cared to remember him.

[keets-writing-corner]

I hope we see Lucifer training Charlie in Season 2. Plus it'd be cute if Vaggie was watching and Charlie decided to see if she also wanted to join in. Because Cmom, you know if she asks him to train her too he's gonna fold like Adam.

Are you me??? I literally left a reply on someone's post about wanting to see Lucifer more in season 2 and being scared it's not gonna happen cuz he's so OP and the main character is charlie and she has to solve her own problems

and I just went in with a reply like "OKAY BUT WHAT IF HE GETS TO TRAIN HER???" That solves both problems???? We get to see more of him AND Charlie gets to problem solve without him needing to just OP his way through the story

I didn't imagine Vaggie tho! :o

seriously tho the exact thought that's been on loop in my head is Charlie accidentally activates some sort of mega-angel beam or whatever, hits Lucifer in full, and she just panics CUZ OMG DAD, DID I JUST KILL YOU??? and then from the pile of rubble, Lucifer sticks out a thumbs up and you hear a muffled "THAT WAS AMAZING SWEETIE DO IT AGAIN"

[asclexe]

we’re really in the midnight realm now

[leporinelou]

[something something writing for harringrove]