#idk about you but my dash is depressing af

[statementlou]

.

[alo-piss-trancy]

Btw even if I don't check in here as often as I used to, I really do appreciate all of you who stick with this blog anyways c': Especially since I barely post anything 'kinky' myself anymore. So this is mostly just a gaming/media rant and personal blog now oops

In some ways I'm definitely better off than I was a few years ago, but I've also been dealing with a lot of chaos in my life and household and it doesn't look like it's gonna get fixed very soon. Mix of financial, physical health of me and family I've been heavily assisting, house things in desperate need of repair...

On top of that I've been starting to realize I might actually have developed some form of Agoraphobia from all that time I was housebound before... and other stuff, but I think that was probably the main contributor. I'm still looking into it but with how a lot of the other things I've tried to cope haven't helped, meds don't seem to touch it much, and it seems to be getting worse, it's looking more and more likely than I'd like to admit. Which sucks bc it's also going to be hard af to keep up with working to treat it with Exposure or smth if I'm buried in all the above stuff/have limited transport/places to even go. It's really freaking hard when I do rarely go out and the anxiety/illness makes it so much worse. There've been times I've had to give up and go back early after like, an hour bc I was vomiting/crippled with pain/on the verge of fainting... and that's been happening more often. Like 1 in every 3 times, and I may only get out 3 times a month at the worst points.

Idk. I'm trying. I'm keeping up with the bare minimum rn and that's all I can really say lol

Also the only problem that's actually relevant to kink blog: my drive is still at 0 or even the negatives bc I can't get my medication sorted out bc my appointments got pushed back AGAIN ☠️ So yeah. That's why there has been no writing or hc posts and will not probably be for a WHILE. On God, it's about as appealing to me as eating dry cardboard 😔 Trying to write or draw anything fun is like pulling teeth and if I won't enjoy the end result then I'm not gonna bother RIP. When I get that sorted out maybe I can finally touch my poor WIP pile again 😭

Uh yeah so. That's why I've been so absent for like... forever. I do miss checking in here but I also get in my own head sometimes about posting when I'm not 'providing' anything this blog was intended for. Which I realise is dumb bc it's MY blog and if I want to rant about video games only for like a year straight then I'm allowed to. But brains are Fun like that 🥲

For what it's worth I'm not in like, a fullblown mental crisis so please don't worry about that! I'm not in any immediate danger or smth! I do have some other hobbies I've been keeping up with and socialising in other spaces. And I've been reading. So I promise I'm not in a complete isolated depression pit 💛 Life could definitely be better and I def have some rough days, but I have been trying to take some baby steps to either fix things or keep myself sane at least lol

Idk I just felt like I should explain why I've been mostly gone for ages off and on. I do lurk here sometimes to peek at things even if I don't have the energy to show myself. But I do really appreciate anyone who sends asks or comments on my ao3 or just reads my ramblings lol 💛 Even when I can't respond immediately I still treasure the gesture and it makes me happy to see some of the same names around in my notifs/dash c': So thank you~

[phonaesthemes]

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

[dcarhcarts]

regarding recent absences

And other such updates!

If you want the tl;dr, here it is: my mental health isn’t in the greatest place right now, and I figured I ought to explain why I must ask you for continued patience for the snail speed on this blog. I’m not announcing official hiatus, but just know that I...might continue to be pretty scarce, but I’m trying my best to be here and to be writing here. To hopefully get me more active here, I plan on dropping a few threads and cleaning out my dash re: people who follow me but aren’t writing with me. You’re more than welcome to keep following me if I unfollow you, and if you want to write with me and just haven’t gotten the chance and would like me to re-follow you, pls just go ahead and shoot me an im. I will be making a separate post about both those things, it’s just that I can’t deal with how fast my dash is moving at the moment.

If you care for the long version, under the cut so as to not bother everyone else!!! Be warned that it’s uh...it’s l o n g. TW for depression and anxiety and the general things my brain does to me lolol. 

Wow I haven’t used the post title function in a l o n g time. Anyway, hi, it’s me, Ro, your friendly neighborhood mun of a 20+ muse mumu. Don’t let the kind-of-serious format scare you - nothing bad is happening. I just have a few things that I felt the need to address that have been happening either in my life or just in my screwed up brain :D Buckle in and get ready for the ride, I guess?

Starting with something y’all already know about - I’ve not been here a lot recently. I joke about that a lot, but really, if you catch the pattern, my activity here is: exclusively after 10 pm, 2 drafts at most a day, inbox straight up clogged from like a month ago. IMS basically desolate, because I haven’t worked up the courage to pick them back up since I last forgot about them in the endless stream of things I had to do about a month ago! (that being said, uh, if you want to talk to me your best bet is probably through discord. Ro#6782 - pls, mutuals only, and tell me who you are!)  

And - because I h a t e being that mun that reblogs memes and asks for for them and then never answers their askbox / puts out starter calls when she has 10000 drafts / puts out plotting calls when she has unanswered ims, (no problem at all when other people do this but somehow when it’s m e I’m like “no you’re a terrible person”???? hmmm), I’ve also been avoiding t h o s e. If you’re new and you followed me in the last month, I’ve been putting out n o t h i n g that indicates a willingness to interact with new/more people, while the opposite is true. I’m always willing to interact - if I follow back, I want to write with you, only, well, aforementioned issue aside, I also have m o r e problems.

Namely, IRL and the fucked up thing called my brain. 

As most of you know, I got a job ~end of may or early juuuune~ and....well it’s pretty damn time consuming. I can’t have my phone during the course of my job - by the way, 4 hours - and so in those 4 hours (from 4 pm to 8 pm) I can basically get nothing done here. Then there’s also the fact that the time my shift is placed mentally and physically drains me a lot. Because it starts at 4, most of my morning is spent thinking “god I don’t wanna go to work” and because it ends at 8, most of my evening is spent trying very hard not to doze off. It also drains me a lot socially - I work at a call center, and all day I’m basically calling people who don’t want me to call them and are very irate even when they pick up, and uh, that already doesn’t do well for my anxiety haha. 

The other thing, of course - is my sort-of-seasonal depression. Winter tends to equate to anxiety for me, and summer tends to equate to depression. Again, I think I’ve joked about this a lot, but I apparently can only do drafts when I have 3 finals tomorrow and I haven’t studied for any of them. When it’s break, I get into a really weird slump - when i wake up in the morning, I don’t really want to wake up, and sometimes just stare at the wall for like, an hour. Nothing that I enjoyed during the other months, I seem to enjoy doing now. There’s too much time and too little time. It’s like i spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing meaningful but I can’t break myself out of the cycle so I keep doing that, rinse and repeat day after day, and sometimes my definition of spending time is just lying down in bed again and doing nothing for an hour randomly in the middle of the day. I feel guilty for wasting time as much as I am clueless as to how to fill it in a fulfilling way. “But Ro, you could do drafts!” A Concerned Person May Say. “You like writing!” Well, Kind Person, on some of these days, absolutely n o t h i n g Sparks Joy. 

“But Ro, I follow you on your other blog too!” The Concerned Person might continue.“You’re kind of active there, aren’t you?” And the answer, Kind Person who supported my career even if that blog is mostly obscure af fandoms - is yes.  I am kind of active on my other blog, @storyblcd. This brings us to the third and final reason why I’m.....moving at snail’s speed here, and that, my good friend - is anxiety. Well, mixed with a certain amount of mental exhaustion, of course. Note: this is n o t anyone’s fault. People’s interactions with me have not been negative - and they are not responsible for how my brain chooses to reaact to it. 

I’ve not lost muse for the muses on this blog, per se - but I’m getting burned out really fast writing them, for multiple reasons. First, muse imbalance. Now I know, I definitely k n o w - that sometimes people like one muse more than another, or have more interest in writing with one or the other, and I get that. I’ve said multiple multiple times that that is p e r f e c t l y fine. But honestly the reason I’ve lasted so long on a multimuse is because I can pick which muse I have muse for when, and I can respond accordingly / ask for interactions accordingly. But when I get so many people coming at me at once for the o n e muse when I have t w e n t y it sometimes gets a little? Discouraging? It makes me question whether or not only that one muse is popular for a reason. It also exhausts me re: the portrayal of that muse, because I”m putting out so many replies for that muse in a lot of sort of similar plots/scenarios that I just get burnt right out. And then I get scared that if I keep going I’ll want to drop the muse, so I’m staying away from those threads a little bit.

Second, I’m at a point in my portrayal of certain muses where I feel like there’s a certain expectation for how it’s going to be. My personal feelings aside, I think every mun expects their own portrayal to be different and unique and exciting - and it’s not different for me, only now I feel like the expectation and the pressure of coming up with something good and meaningful outweighs the feeling of exploration as I’m “discovering” the muse. Like most writers - I still crave validation, though more and more lately, I’m at a place in my writing where I f e e l like me from 2 months ago could have probably done a better job. While it’s not necessarily true, and these pressures are coming from m e and not any outside source, I f e e l like I have to consistently Make Good Writing, and simultaneously feel like some days I sit down and I try to do drafts and all I write is garbage. It just - doesn’t feel the same? So - more and more, I’m staring at the empty drafts page and then closing it - because if I don’t w r i t e I don’t have to admit I peaked two months ago.  

Both of these reasons have made me rather a bit avoidant of my muses here / this blog. Now, I’ve been struggling with anxiety for long enough that I know that a lot of this is - well, p r o b a b l y just my brain lying to me. See even as I’m writing this post now, my anxiety is saying “haha guess what n o one cares you’ve been gone” and my rational Anxiety-is-a-stupid-asshole voice is saying “nahhhhhh your brain is probably just lying to you.” But! In the battle, anxiety is kind of pummeling me now. I will r i s e again and win the war, most likely - but for now it’s anxiety: 1 and ro: 0.

AND finally - if you made it all the way down here, you’re a c h a m p. The solution! Well, as much of a solution as I’m hoping to get anyway - we’ll have to see if it implements well. I’m going to unfollow a few blogs so I can get my dash cleaner/more organized/less fast-moving and b r e a t h e. I’m going to drop a couple of threads, I might make a couple more muses request only/exclusive only for the like 2 people that have threads with them, I might drop a couple muses (though I don’t think this will really happen, Idk tho). There will be separate posts on those things coming soon, this is just to notify y’all. Thank you for all of your patience, thank you for all the wonderful people who’ve allowed me to write with you, I love all of you!!!!

[brazilbabe]

I live in the US and I feel horrible for existing here when there’s women and children and refugees being held at the border in horrible conditions. It makes my depression so much worse and it makes me physically ill. On top of that I feel helpless to be able to do anything. I don’t have extra money to donate and I can’t travel there to try to protest. I feel horrible all the time.

Yeah well. I can't imagine what is like to have american history as personal history and like part of your culture tbh, we brazilians love to say shit about ourselves and we're far from perfect (obviously) but the us is smtg else damn. Still, there has been a lot of violence against mostly venezuelans trying to get here and i can't also just go there and stop it.

I'm not about to excuse anything the us or br did but is it my fault or your fault personally? no. This actually takes the narrative from where it is supposed to be. And i know what you mean about feeling useless (i can't donate to these posts on my dash for instance bc im always on a budget and the dollar is so expensive) but you shouldn't let the guilt of it all make your life miserable cus this problem is literally institutional and systematic and yeah idk what to tell u bro your country is shitty af but it's not like beating yourself over it will make a difference, take care of yourself first and foremost, live freely and happily cus resistence is power 🤪✌

[channiechanchan]

1 Year Anniversary of Survival

*TRIGGER WARNING!! I MENTION SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION(NOT A LOT BUT STILL BEWARE) so please don’t read this if you suffer from this*

For those who don’t know what I meant by survival, I was involved in a car accident with 2 of my friends last year in this very same day. This is gonna be long so I’m gonna put a cut oooooof

I sustained many injuries both emotionally and physically. Luckily I didn’t break any bone okay except my right collar bone. I do have a traumatic brain injury, which caused my brain pressure to go up and I was in and out of the operating room. Because I could not lie down flat for a very long time. Honestly I was in the hospital for a good 3 months, but no worries I’m all good now at least I think I am… I do have another surgery to do but I don’t think I’ll do it due to future consequences such as painful pregnancy and I don’t want to be in more pain during the recovery, plus I don’t want to stay in the hospital again. 

Okay there was a point in my hospital days where I thought that I shouldn’t have survived that day…There were times when I was alone in my room in the hospital, I would look at myself in the mirror and I hated myself… Silently yelling at myself that I should’ve died… I blamed myself because my best friend had a hard time walking and I am able to walk. I hate seeing her in so much pain and how she gets frustrated because it hurts to walk. She is working on her walking this summer so that she can attend college in person. I love her to death! She’s like a sister to me, so if I had lost her that day I don’t know what I would’ve done to myself, maybe I wouldn’t be here today.

But anyways stop with all the sad stuff… I wrote this to show people that whatever you’re facing right now, just know that you are not alone. Yes I know that people face different problems and they face them differently, but I just want you all to know that you will overcome it. I know that it’ll take some time but time heals everything and I know that sounds cheesy af but I know you will! So keep fighting~! Don’t give up on yourself.

I also covered this song because this is one of my favorite 3RACHA song that helped me with depression.Honestly Stray Kids, Wanna One, JBJ and all of my mutuals and the people who I stalk lol helped me with my depression

This is gonna get longer ooof

Okay first of all: Em, @realstraykids I found her blog when I found out about SK and they literally swallowed me whole lol, I really love seeing her content when I was feeling sad and then I saw that she was making a  grandma line kkt gc, so I  joined. I met wonderful people, especially Ruby, @changbeanie idk I think I got closer with her more because of her content that I may have stalked before lol and I followed her blog and stalked it again and read everything, I still reread all of them from time to time. Idk… Her content just made me a little bit happier and made me want to write too and thus @/channiechanchan was born lol. I also left her some anon messages without names and then I made an anon name lol but then Lou, a.k.a @felixmahdork found my identity. So then Lou and I got close. Honestly she makes me happy too, with her randomness and her stories that I read over and over too, her works are amazing, even if she says it’s not. 

And to the mutuals I have not talked to but we like or tag each other on those tag games, I LOVE YOU ALL!! Phoebe, @strayboys your content makes me laugh even when I was having a bad day. Also Lauren, @cocacolamemebois just seeing you in my dash makes my day and you tagged me in those tag things which just made me happy and feel appreciated

I then started to join networks and they were very welcoming! I would like to thank @straysunshinesnet people(cause there’s a lot of you lol) for welcoming me to their family. I love you all so much!! 

Aimee @arqueritefrost we just started talking but I already love you a lot~! I still can’t believe I took your bait… Ooof but it’s fine I guess lol JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU AND YOU’RE CUTE AF

Jess @spearkook hii my other daughter oof okay so the first message you sent me melted my heart and it really made me happy!!

I would also like to thank Yenni, @every1studio I stalked her during the summer when she was using her old account lol and let me tell you how her blog made my life bearable, summer was my really bad days. I love you so much and take care of yourself

I would tag the SK blogs I follow but then I’d be exposed, ehh fook it  Okay so like Kris (@hey-hey-chan) and Cici (@hyyunjinn) I found your guys’ blog when I was looking for SK blogs and I just fell in love with both of your content, so I stalked you guys all throughout fall till now lol I’d tag more but this is already getting long…

To all my followers if you see this just know that I love you all so much!! YOU ALL MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!

So here I am standing for the very first time after 2 months of being in bed(I look like a mess don’t @ me about it lol)

And here is the video of me walking

[hansolsdeliciousanus-remade]

many q’s & a’s tag game

tagged by @jenobean like literally 10 minutes ago but im bored sad and my dash is dead so lets go

THE LAST

drink: vodka

phone call: sophie

text message: sneaky bastards

song you listened to: loki - how

time you cried: im literally cryin rn lol

HAVE YOU EVER

dated someone twice: yup

kissed someone and regretted it: hahahahahahaahah definitely

 been cheated on: not that i’m aware of

lost someone special: yes 

been depressed: rn bitch lol

gotten drunk and thrown up: drunk - yes a lot, drunk and thrown up - not for a couple weeks

3 FAVORITE COLORS

pastel yellow

burnt orange

fern green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

made new friends: i think so

fallen out of love: never been in love

laughed until you cried: probably. i can’t remember

found out someone was talking about you: yeah i know loads of shady people

met someone who changed you: no

found out who your friends are: still trying to figure that one out

kissed someone on your Facebook list: yes

GENERAL

how many facebook friends do you know irl: idk, most, not all

do you have any pets: 2 cats

do you want to change your name: yeah i wana officially change it to rosie

what did you do for your last birthday: literally just lay in bed all day and napped. it was fantastic 

what time did you wake up: 4:00am

what were you doing at midnight last night: crying

name something you can’t wait for: hansols debut ( yes im still waiting stfu)

when was the last time you saw your mom: not for a few days

what are you listening to right now: yeseo - silhouette 

have you ever talked to a person named tom: i’ve kissed a guy called tom?

something that is getting on your nerves: other people

most visited website: tumblr

hair color: very faded pink, i need to dye it again

long or short hair: short

do you have a crush on someone: not anymore

what do you like about yourself: lol

blood type: a

nickname: rosie

relationship status: single af

zodiac: cancer

pronouns: she / her

favorite tv show: say yes to the dress

tattoos: none yet

right or left handed: left

surgery: had my ears pinned back when i was 7

sport: boxing, volleyball, netball, rugby, rounders

vacation: im going to amsterdam in less than a week

pair of shoes: i literally only own black combat boots and slippers

MORE GENERAL

eating: soba noodles

drinking: still vodka

I’m about to: cry some more

waiting for: fucking colourpop package to arrive 

want: more hansol

get married: fuck no

career: english teacher or travel journalist 

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses: depends on the person

lips or eyes: eyes

shorter or taller: taller

older or younger: older

nice arms or nice stomach: arms

hook up or relationship: again, depends on the person

troublemaker or hesitant: trouble

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger: yes

drank hard liquor: doin it rn lol

lost glasses/contact lenses: all the fuckin time

turned someone down: yeah

sex on the first date: yeah

broken someone’s heart: yeah

had your heart broken: nope

been arrested: nope

cried when someone died: yeah

fallen for a friend: not hard

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself: lol

miracles: no

love at first sight: nopee

santa clause: till i was 9

kiss on the first date: yeah

angels: ji hansol

OTHER

eye color: almost black

favorite movie: ferris bueller 

and i dont think im going to tag anyone cause im tired and i dont wana annoy people. but if you wana do it then go ahead

[head-and-heart]

85 Question game

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people

thanks @sifubellamy for the tag

the last

drink: coffee

phone call: my brother

text message: "Yeah the changes are kinda weird”

song you listened to: "The Feeling” by Justin Bieber feat. Halsey (literally the only reason i have this song is cause Halsey sings most of it lol)

time you cried: I ... can’t remember? Recently-ish? Not bawling or anything but yeah

dated someone twice: never

kissed someone and regretted it: no regrets ;)

been cheated on: never

lost someone special: last october maybe?

been depressed: ummmm all the time? It’s not something that really has a “last time”, it’s just kinda all the time. Last BAD time though? A month ... maybe. 

gotten drunk and thrown up: I don’t really love alcohol so I don’t really go hard enough to actually throw up so idk

three favourite colours

turquoise

lavender

plum

in the last year have you

made new friends: yes

fallen out of love: no

laughed until you cried: yes

found out someone was talking about you: yes

met someone who changed you: yes

found out who your friends are: yes

kissed someone on your facebook list: no facebook, not a big social media fan (yes, I understand the irony of this tumblr existing but it’s on a different spectrum for me, since it isn’t a personal account)

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? NA

do you have any pets? yessss, my golden retriever baby (he’s nine, so not really a baby, but he’ll always be a baby to me :))

do you want to change your name? no

what did you do for your last birthday? went to dinner with my family

what time did you wake up? 10:20-ish

what were you doing at midnight last night? catching up on my dash i think - I was flying all day yesterday

name something you can’t wait for: my cousin’s wedding!!

when was the last time you saw your mum: yesterday

what are you listening to right now? "This” by Ed Sheeran

have you ever talked to a person named tom? yup

something that is getting on your nerves: just was at a family reunion thing (got back last night) and there are a lot of distant relatives I don’t know that were there and some of them have been living in america for like twenty years or whatever (we’re all canadian) and lemme tell you, I CAN’T STAND some of these people. Learned there are a lot of racist/homophobic/etc distant relatives in my family and I was about to lose it

most visited website: probably tumblr ...

hair colour: dirty-blonde? idk, it’s kinda mousy. 

long or short hair: long, I’m tempted to cut it though but my hair is so curly and the last time I cut it short I was like ten lmao and it looked like a pyramid. It has haunted me for years, but I still want to try it again (but worried I will regret it)

do you have a crush on someone? nah

what do you like about yourself? I never try to be someone I’m not. I refuse to change my personality for others because our society is already so homogenized I feel. Everyone tries to be like each other, so I never do. So my individuality I guess, is something I like about myself

piercings: I have two on each ear (just the lobe) and I’ve been planning to get my cartilage done for ages but just haven’t gotten around to it

blood type: no idea

nickname: "Kay”, “Katy”, some other embarassing childhood nicknames that I will not post cause I’m irrationally terrified someone I know will see it and be able to identify my account based on it lmao

relationship status: single and uninterested in mingling tbh (i’m ace)

zodiac: gemini

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): The 100

tattoos: maybe someday

right or left handed: right

surgery: I can’t think of anything, no. I guess I’m lucky

sport: Currently, I am more interested in individual sports like running, spin, and wake-surfing. Once upon a time, I used to be a big volleyball player but not so much anymore

vacation: Well I was just in Ontario for a family reunion and earlier in the summer I was in California :)

pair of trainers: vans and Nike running shoes

more general

eating: I will eat basically anything but my favourite cuisine would have to be japanese or italian

drinking: coffee probably

i’m about to: go shopping

waiting for: hmmm ... nothing comes to mind?

want: to finish this goddamn fic that i never have the time to write, dammit

get married: not something I’m looking for right now, but would like to someday if I can find the right person

career: uhhh

which is better?

hugs or kisses: hugs

lips or eyes: eyes

shorter or taller: girls or guys? I don’t think height really matters, but I do like my men to be taller than me. Girls ... any height tbh

older or younger: umm, I don’t care?

nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms. I don’t care that much about abs, if that’s the question. You can’t tell if someone has abs until their shirt is off, ARMS on the other hand ... THEY’RE GOOD FOR CUDDLING THEREFORE THEY ARE SUPERIOR

hookup or relationship: relationships 

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant probably

have you ever

kissed a stranger: I’m demi so that would be a firm “no”

drank hard liquor: yes

lose glasses/contact lenses: I’ve lost many contact lenses. I’ve misplaced my glasses but always found them

turned someone down: yes

sex on the first date: no

had your heart broken: um, i’m pretty cautious with relationships in the first place so my heart’s never really been “broken” in a big way, no

been arrested: nope

cried when someone died: I’m lucky enough that no one very close to me has died

fallen for a friend: no

do you believe in

yourself: usually

miracles: hmm, I’d like to?

love at first sight: nope (the demi thing)

santa claus: no

kiss on the first date: Maybe? It kinda depends on the person

angels: No, I’m not religious

other

eye colour: Blue

favourite movie: Don’t ask me this, I can’t pick!!

tagging: mutuals, because I’m still lazy af

[superlunary-x]

92 Questions Tag

Tagged by: @perfecthurt (I'm doing this on mobile pray for me) THE LAST:
1. Drink: green tea 2. Phone call: my brother 3. Text message: my friend 4. Song you listened to: butterfly (prologue mix) -bts 5. Time you cried: uhh no idea HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: sadly 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: yep 8. Been cheated on: nah 9. Lost someone special: not rly?? 10. Been depressed: when am i not 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: black, pink (in your area), lavender IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yes 16. Fallen out of love: ya 17. Laughed until you cried: nahh 18. Found out someone was talking about you: all the time 19. Met someone who changed you: not really 20. Found out who your friends are: i dont understand this question 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all 23. Do you have any pets: 4 cats, dog, bunny 24. Do you want to change your name: meh 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: sat at home lol 26. What time did you wake up: 8:10 cause school 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: on tumblr lol 28. Name something you can’t wait for: an email 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: im sitting next to her 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: not sure 31. What are you listening right now: silence 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: some girl in this gc who's annoying af 34. Most visited Website: tumblr or youtube LAST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME (i copy pasted this dont kill me) 35. Mole/s: i have one on the sole of my right foot and i got it like last year idk why 36. Mark/s: a birthmark on my left calf (it kind of looks like a bird), freckles on my face 37. Childhood dream: singer (still the same now) 38. Haircolor: black 39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: just a celebrity one 41. What do you like about yourself: idk man 42. Piercings: one ear piercing but i want more 43. Bloodtype: O+ 44. Nickname: Bubbles 45. Relationship status: single af 46. Zodiac: cancer 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: i dont really watch tv 49. Tattoos: none but i want a few small ones 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: i had to go through oral surgery 52. Hair dyed in different color: never /: 53. Sport: dance 55. Vacation: I've been on a lot abroad 56. Pair of trainers: what MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: i ate ravioli for dinner 58. Drinking: tea 59. I’m about to: scroll through my dash 61. Waiting for: an email 62. Want: to achieve some dreams 63. Get married: hopefully 64. Career: singer WHICH IS BETTER: 65. Hugs or kisses: kisses 66. Lips or eyes: both 67. Shorter or taller: taller (im assuming this is like in an S/O) 68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: both pls 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker (not too sure on this HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: ya 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes 77. Turned someone down: yes 78. Sex on the first date: like i could actually get laid 79. Broken someone’s heart: yes 80. Had your heart broken: yes 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: yes *cough*hwarang*cough* 83. Fallen for a friend: whoops DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: trying to, needs work 85. Miracles: I met seventeen so yes 86. Love at first sight: yes 87. Santa Claus: im sorry santa 88. Kiss in the first date: no 89. Angels: hobi?? OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: Annette & Līva 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: Kimi no Na Wa?? (probably others but can't think of any rn)

[vanillabeanniall]

91 Questions Tag

thank you 2 ryan @selkatha for tagging me, i love to talk abt myself

(under the cut bc you guys dont want to see this on ur dash)

THE LAST – 


1. Drink: water
 2. Phone call: 
i think it was my friend asking me where i was bc we got separated in cvs 3. Text message: i praised my roommate for having a baguette 4. Song I listened to: ...i just watched a very potter sequel 5. Time you cried: first night i spent alone here

HAVE YOU EVER –
 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Been cheated on: nope 8. Kissed someone and regretted it: yep (i dont like the two of them)
 9. Lost someone special: yep 10. Been depressed: not diagnosed but a bit for a while a few years ago 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS –
 12. spring green 13. warm yellow 14. orange/red (like neon peach)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU –
 15. Made new friends: yes!! even just this summer ive made a ton and im so scared abt never seeing them again after the program ends next week
 16. Fallen out of love: i’ve fallen out of a crush
 17. Laughed until you cried: nope 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah that BITCH
 19. Met someone who changed you: not really. just me
 20. Found out who your true friends were: yeah those BITCHES

MORE – 
 21. Kissed someone on your facebook? do i even still have that?
 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? probably most of them? i dont remember who im friend with on there 23. Do you have any pets? nope 24. Do you want to change your name? not anymore 25. What did you do on your last birthday? got my drivers license and got the flu
 26. What time did you wake up? 12:30 and even then only bc i had a date at 12:45 27. What were you doing at midnight? watching a very potter musical 28. Name something you can’t wait for: seeing julia again
 29. When was the last time you saw your mother? a few weeks ago
 30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i want independence
 31. What are you listening to right now? nothing bc its finally cold enough to not have that GODDAMN FAN ON
 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yeah a few
 33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my sleep schedule & my final 34. Most visited site: this bitch right here

SCHOOL – 
 35. Elementary: it was fine. i was the smartest one i knew and i had no friends but it was fine. catherine and i watched les mis its the strongest memory i have 36. Middle: ha let’s not 37. High: i love high school tbh theres a lot to get into here but i wont 38. College: i love harvard university where i am right now its a dream tbh

ME – 
 39. Hair color: brown
 40. Long or short hair? masculine long feminine short 41. Do you have a crush on someone? not right now. i got broken up with today tho 42. What do you like about yourself? im smart af
 43. Piercings? ears & nothing else 44. Blood type: why is this one of the questions????
 45. Nickname: vas, a few things, idk
 46. Relationship status: again,,, broken up with today 47. Zodiac sign: aquarius
 48. Pronouns: she/her but i really don’t care much bc genders not really real anyway 49. Favorite TV show(s): BROOKLYN 99 50. Tattoos: i will!!!!! but as of now, no
 51. Right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right handed but i play wii sports left handed

FIRST – 
 52. Surgery: adenoids out as a child
 53. Piercing: ears
 54. Sport: b!a!s!k!e!t!b!a!l!l!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 55. Vacation: i do not remember
 56. Pair of trainers: i dont know u british fuck

CURRENT – 
 57. Eating: nothing but i just ate so many goldfish crackers goddamn
 58. Drinking: nothing but good reminder to stay hydrated hold on.
 ok water 59. I’m about to: sleep
 60. Listening to: nothing its totally quiet right now

FUTURE – 
 61. Waiting for: college 62. Want: to find my soulmate 63. Married: for damn sure
 64. Career: product designer

YOUR TYPE – 
 65. Hugs or kisses? neither mostly but hugs
 66. Lips or eyes? eyes? i guess? i dont have much of a preference 67. Shorter or taller? taller pls but thats hard bc im tall so like does it matter 68. Older or younger? dont really care but ive mostly been into older people (not old people. not much older. fuck this answer didnt come out right) 69. Nice arms or nice stomach? both i love muscles (not like wild muscles like soft ones u know wht i mean) i wanna get ripped
 70. Sensitive or loud? sensitive i HATE loud
 71. Hook-up or relationship? relationship. 100% 72. Troublemaker or hesitant? really depends 73. Kissed a stranger? nope 74. Drank hard liquor? just sips 75. Lost contact lenses/glasses? yes too many times rip
 76. Turned someone down? nope im no hot commodity 77. Sex on first date? nope not now thanks 78. Broken someone’s heart? not that i know of 79. Had your heart broken? yeah but not romantically 80. Been arrested? no
 81. Cried when someone died? yeah. ive been to too many funerals 82. Fallen for a friend? only once (not again thanks)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN – 
 83. Yourself? yes, i have a strong conviction that i am capable of anything (which is bad bc like im smart but it leads me down dangerous paths both of things i cant do and the path of narcissism for example i tend to think im automatically smarter than everyone and i get competitive af but to be fair ive never lost them) 84. Miracles? yeah sure 85. Love at first sight? no but infatuation tho (thanks harry styles i stole that answer from u)
 86. Santa Claus? no but i like that
 87. Kiss on first date? really depends 88. Angels? yeah im actually really religious

OTHER – 
 89. Current best friend’s name: J U L I A 90. Eye color: hazel but mostly green unless it doesnt feel like it
 91. Favorite movie: WONDER WOMAN

k thanks yall ill tag (basically half of who ryan tagged rip i need more friends) @uswntinharmony @spnife @kaisder unless ur too cool 4 that

[ackackh]

I'm curious to know your responses to letters L, V, and Y for the ship ask meme thing! Thanks! :)

Hello! A new person to talk to! Welcome to my inbox :)

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

This took me a bit to think of, but I’m gonna go with my pal David Webster. I like Webster! But he’s not my fave, there’s no real reason, but I just don’t have a lot of the same strong feelings about him that I do about other characters.

But here: Webster is made up of a lot of things that I want to be. He’s intelligent and bright and good-natured and caring. Those are things I strive to be, so good on ya boy Webster. 

V - Which character do you relate to most?

This is always such a weird thing because like, most of these characters are grown men in a war? which i have never (and probably will never) be? But back when I first watched BoB, I saw A LOT of myself in Nixon. I think it’s because at the time I was handling the worst of my depression and Nix is obviously a kind of melancholy/bitter(ish) guy. There was some kind of desperation in him that I felt too.

IRL tho I’m like this horrible mix of Carwood, Brad, and Ray. I try and take care of everyone I can and half the time I do that by being purposefully stupid af but I’m also sort of an asshole who’s done with people’s shit??? yeah idk. I promise I’m at least tolerable.

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

lots of k pop! I don’t really know what’s going on there but I see a lot of it and you guys seem nice! Also Voltron! I watched like 3 episodes and I really liked them and I want to watch more, but I don’t know enough to really be in the fandom. 

thank you for sending in an ask! I really appreciate it!

[maluinks]

i honestly got into bts before you but YOU HAD NO IDEA HOW STOKED I WAS WHEN I SAW YOU REBLOG BTS FOR THE FIRST TIME I DID A DOUBLE TAKE SCROLL AND IM LIKE :'') THE MORE THE MERRIER FOR BTS CONTENT (AND ARMYS) ON MY DASH real question tho: any fic recs???

OH I GOT PLENTY

First and foremost, the one that’s been occupying my mind as of late:

A Gilded World

an AMAZING yoonjin arranged marriage au which will make you cry and love life. It’s unfinished but it updates regularly and there’s VERY NICE side vmin

Inc.

This is probably the kind of fic everyone and their mothers should read because, even if you’re not that much into yoonjin, you CANT not be absolutely delighted by it reading this. The vmin is delicious too. I can’t tell you how many times ive reread this fic. Seriously A++

buzzed.

idk what it is about this slow burn bc it’s SO SLOW but im loving every second of while while i suffer painfully bc of the suppressed pining yoongi goes through. please do yourself a favour and read this, im telling you it’s worth every meal.

Heists and Hearts

I know, I know, more yoonjin? welp, that’s what im all about lately so, bear with me. This one fic has me rolling in my bed for hours. It also made me ship taejoon. Hard. Unfinished but updates regularly!

Trust Tree

Lets get all the yoonjins out of the way. This one is hot af. This one is actually finished.

Sure I Get Lonely (Sometimes)

This one deals with depression and self-esteem issues, and it gets very deep into the mind of an artiststudent!Jungkook. And has cute bantering vmin as some sort of sidekicks. It’s finished.

Element of Change

I dont know if the author is ever gonna finish this but I fell in love with the concept of fire nation avatar Yoongi. Not to mention the firebender master Namjoon, airbender taehyung, and swordsman Jimin!

To Live Again

I haven’t read this one yet but I’ve been told it will make you want to die. Very angsty. A lot of vkook feels.

so nice and so cool (so good and so hot)

If you’re looking for some fun, pining jinkook, welp, this one gets the job done

How To Listen

the most beautiful fic I’ve read, it gets you in deep with lovely metaphors that read like they were siren songs. It’s a jikook and you will probably die after reading this, but it’s the best way to go I’ve ever known.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

House of Cards

Does everyone in fandom know of this fic? I’m assuming they do, but maybe not everybody has read it. Heart-wrenching and so fucking good it will twist your morality and make you question your very existence. This fic is twisted, twisted, twisted. And I loved every second of it bc it recognized how twisted it was. Drama that doesn’t feel exaggerated, actual mafia au with real consequences. No one leaves unscathed. There’s no escape once you start reading. sugamins is a beast.

Valentino Summers

Another sugamins fic. This person is seriously my fave fic author. Scratch that, one of my overall fave authors ever. They research their stuff and it shows. A yoonmin mafia au,s et in the 80s, and it deals with a whole lot of issues such as internalized homophobia, the AIDS breakout, political stuff going on both in Korea and the US. Seriously researched. And the yoonmin is adorable and hot. I would trust sugamins with my life. It’s unfinished but updates every month, and they are length updates

[uzuuzuking]

hey pal,,, do u have any like,, specific music you listen to when you're doin art or just trying to focus on somethin? I'm trying to start that klance AU but ?? I have 0 inspiration and 0 motivation i need som Help

*blows the dust off my stupid sappy love songs playlist for otps and daydreams* *claps my grubby hands and starts rubbing them together* boi have i got some music for u

this playlist is now titled specifically “for cass” but if anyone else wants to make fun of my music taste, go right ahead. i’m exposing myself

in alphabetical order bc that’s how my ipod sorts it:

all about your heart - mindy gledhill (super fluffy love song!)

as long as you’re mine - idina menzel & leo norbert butz (i just rly love wicked ok)

banana pancakes - jack johnson (really calm established relationship song)

bloom - the paper kites (soooo soothing and good for pining)

camera shy - school boy humor (two words: celebrity au)

can i have this dance - vanessa hudgens & zac efron (yeah it’s hsm but i’ve always loved music in 3/4 time plus imagine lance teaching keith how to dance aaaaaa)

can’t sleep love - pentatonix (my jaaaammm)

clarity (cover) - andrew garcia & andy lange (this cover is soft and i discovered it bc of an ereri cmv where they kiss a lot. sue me.)

climbing the walls - backstreet boys (THE PINING!!!!!!!)

crazier - taylor swift (she actually has some rly good otp songs i have to admit...)

do i love you because you’re beautiful - brandy & paolo montalban (i loooove cinderella 1997 and this song is sooooo good just trust me on this. also watch the movie!!)

do you know me - john mayer (dreamy feelings)

dressed to kill - landon pigg (mmm yes good. ballroom dance au where they see each other in fancy clothes for the first time and are hit in the kokoro with the doki dokis)

enchanted - owl city or taylor swift (either is fine but i do like owl city. imagine the masquerade!!!!!)

falling in love at a coffee shop - landon pigg (the title is self explanatory)

falling slowly - the swell season (soft!!!!!!!)

for the dancing and the dreaming - httyd cast (a rly cute song,,)

girls like girls - hayley kiyoko (every song she drops the gayer i become. i rise.)

hazy - rosy golan feat. willian fitzsimmons (extreeemmeely soft and cute!)

hello, i’m in delaware - city and colour (relaxing and more dreamy feelings)

house by the sea - moddi (recently discovered this song bc @sniperlance posted about it saying “homesick lance” and i cry bc it rly is homesick lance,,)

i knew i loved you - savage garden (gives me that 90s teen romance vibe and i like it)

i’d lie - taylor swift (GOD THE PININGGGGGG!!!)

i’m yours - jason mraz (cute cute cute cute cute)

if i’m saying nothing - landon pigg (more pining bc i can’t control myself apparently)

jenny - studio killers (surprise bitch! bet you thought you’d seen the last of pining)

love story - taylor swift (this is where my altean prince lance and assassing galra keith au comes from lol)

missing you - all time low (klangst hurt/comfort)

one and only (cover) - samantha palileo (her voice is so smooth i get chills every time)

one day - kodaline (more klangst hurt/comfort)

paper tigers - owl city (idk i just imagine klance so hard to this man u gotta give it a try)

pretty girl - hayley kiyoko (gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay)

rhythm of love - plain white t’s (it’s old but it’s cute!)

siren - the honey trees (i love the instrumentals)

something just like this - the chainsmokers & coldplay (the music video is so cute,, pls imagine tiny boy lance growing up wanting to be a superhero and pining keith who just wants to smooch him and hug him)

so she dances - josh groban (his voice is like smooth molasses. plus dance au with extra pining)

suerte - jason mraz & ximena sariñana (all i care about is the spanish bc spanish speaking lance)

te amo y más - diego luna (more spanish speaking lance!!!!!)

tee shirt - birdy (her alto voice cures my depression)

ten minutes ago - brandy & paolo montalban (ballroom/masquerade au!! the possibilities are endless!!!!!)

when can i see you again - owl city (all the xylophone sounds like stars and it’s so happy)

wherever you are - barry coffing & vonda shepard (yeah it’s originally from a winnie the pooh movie but come on. i’m cliche af so might as well)

willow weeping - priscilla ahn (mmmmmm the pining)

world falls apart - dash berlin feat. john mendelsohn (saving each other and always being there for each other aaaaaa)

world spins madly on - the weepies (this is what inspired one of my langst drawings lol)

whew all done! enjoy my dumb music

[goingbackthroughthelookingglass]

12:00PM - Dose Day

Well. I have to say I’m convinced.

Last night was hard. Not in all of the ways that make things obvious, but rather in the subtle ways that you don’t even know you’re doing/are habits until you’re suddenly without them.

So the microdosing schedule I am on consists of a dose day, an after effects day (the day after), and then a “normal” day, followed by another dose day (today actually). I just took 0.2g of mushrooms (via capsule). This is double what I took Sunday. But before we get into that (and while I wait for my stomach to digest the vegetarian capsules) let me tell you about my night last night.

So last night into today is my “normal” day. This is the day, typically, as you’re finding the right amount for your microdosing, that things should feel normal. The problem was, I wasn’t entirely certain if what I did take was really still affecting me. I woke up, got ready for work, and was productive until 1:30am (when I normally get off the road because of drunks and assholes driving and you just never really know who you’re picking up at that time). My night started out pretty normal; I did hit the snooze a bit, but I got out, deep cleaned my car, and got on the road. Most of the rides were good, and I was able to chit chat easily...but as the night wore on I just found myself...irritated.

Not the last ride before my break, but a few before that I picked up this couple. It was just a couple blocks from my house, and I’m sitting there waiting, and this guy, we’ll call him Jake because I honestly don’t remember his name, comes out and is just like “let me set my drink down.” No big, sure whatever. He walks to the other side of my car, there’s some kind of wait, and then he opens up the passenger door behind me, and is like “I’m just gonna say goodbye really quick” closes the door, and walks back around my car to this dark corner that he came from, that I can’t really see. At this point, I’m feeling irritated and that my time is getting wasted. He finally gets back over, sits behind me, and I put my car into drive to drive off. Suddenly, I get this pounding on the back right door, and this chick is like hitting my car so I stop, and she opens the door and is like “I’m going.”

OK. Whatever. The ride is just to Dirty (a sleezy dance club) that’s maybe 5 minutes away, get in so I can drop you guys off and forget you ever existed. Except I can’t. Because they were horrible. The first 2 minutes was them bickering over this guy named Jason, and who he was to her. (Drama) She then asks if she can smoke in my car, and I say no, so she’s like “Rude.” They then are fighting because she originally wasn’t going to come, but now she is, and he’s pissed for some reason (side-slice maybe??) and honestly they’re disrespectful AF and rude as all shit to each other.

She then makes fun of him for being 30. Fam. I literally thought I was picking up 19 year olds for the way these two fuckers were acting. Needless to say, I drop them off, and 1-star them so I don’t ever have to pick them up again.

NEXT RIDE: I pick up this couple from Scandals (a gay bar). We’ll call the guy Seth, he’s the one that ordered the ride. The two get in my car, and something just reads trans about the woman (tall, deeper voice, but gorgeous af, the guy was meh) so I’m just thinking “aww, cute queer couple.” She wants something to eat before going to Holiday Inn (where I just assume they’re staying). But like...there’s something off about Seth. IDK what it is. But my spider senses are tingling. There happens to be a Jack in the Box across the street from the hotel, but of course I have to go through the drive through because it’s that late. I NEVER do drive through rides. Fucking order UberEats. But I was feeling generous, and the woman and I were chatty so sure, whatever. But on the way there, this guy is like...making these really off color jokes. And not in a good way? Like one of them I’m trying to remember the words, but can’t, but basically it’s him joking that he does it bareback (without a condom). STILL assuming this is just some sweet queer couple, we wait forever in the drive thru line, and he’s still making these jokes...like...it’s when you have that friend that tries to copy your mutual funny friend...but doesn’t quite LAND the joke? So it just feels awkward and a little creepy? He says something about “you better order from the dollar menu” and she’s just like “whatever” and orders what she wants, but makes a comment about how her shoes are $600 and if he doesn’t want to pay for a burrito... That is when I realize she is a sex worker, and they’re going to the hotel...well, I don’t have to finish that sentence. But let me tell you...I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER FUCKING THAT SLEEZE!!! So long as she’s a free agent and sex work is what she wants to do, more power to her, but DAMN. After being in that car with that guy for 10 minutes I NEEDED A SHOWER. Barf.

I gave one more ride before taking my break (uneventful) but like the whole time I’m just...annoyed and irritated. And I have no reason for it. I have snacks, I had a good nap, I’m making bank...but I just can’t shake my mood. I come home, and decide to make some soup and have some rustic bread with it...and then I make the MISTAKE. I convince myself I can just close my eyes for like an hour before being back on the road. WRONG. SO WRONG. Big mistake. Big. I wake up at 6 when I was supposed to be back on the road at 4. And the WHOLE TIME I felt weighted and negative and just exhausted (despite sleeping another 5 hours) and heavy. I didn’t want to do anything, was not motivated, and even procrastinated making this post, even though the last couple days I’ve really enjoyed journaling. My anhedonia was beginning to creep back in.

My morning finished with a phone screening appointment for a therapist that I forgot I had, while I had a woman I had just picked up in the back of my car (her car got a flat) because I couldn’t reschedule. I NEVER take calls when I’m on the road. But...at least the woman found out her driver was not contemplating suicide? Though I’m sure she left with questions about who my abusive ex was, and what family issues I might have (since I mentioned both in the call). OH WELL.

So...rolling back around to the first paragraph in this long post. It made me realize what I was feeling leading up to, and then after my nap is my current “normal.” The easy, breezy covergirl feeling I was having these last two days was the mushrooms. The exhaustion, the lack of motivation, the heaviness in my body...that had been gone for the last couple days allowing me to be more me than I have been in a long time. I was no longer smiling. I didn’t want to talk to people. I just wanted to lie down and do nothing, while the days previously I was writing campaign stuff, cleaning, going about daily tasks as if it cost me no spoons. (if you don’t know about spoon theory, you can find it here)

So, now we’re at 12:24pm. The first dose kicked in about 45 minutes to an hour after taking it. I’ve now doubled my dose from 0.1g to 0.2g. I’m taking the rest of the day off to sit and ponder, but I DO need to go get my breaks done this afternoon.

About the pondering: IDK what you believe or don’t but I do somewhat subscribe into the theory of the Law of Attraction. (That link is to the “documentary” about The Secret.) BUT, I don’t believe that that law is something “mystical” (even though I am, myself, a mystic). Rather, I believe that when you approach things with intention, the outcome is more profound/clear/pronounced because you went in with a goal in mind already. For example: you “attract” more successful people in your life to coach you to become successful not because you thought about it and made it “manifest,” but because you thought about it and looked for the tells of the type of success you wanted to achieve and because that was in the forefront of you mind, you kept your eyes open for those things and recognized when they were in your path. It’s easy to find a bean when you’re looking for a bean.

A lot of the articles and such that I read on microdosing before slowly wading into that pool talked about intent. You can take drugs to feel better, but what really have you learned or what habits have you changed to change your life if you’re not using this opportunity to reflect? The idea behind microdosing is not to take drugs. It’s to use a small amount of a substance that has been known for centuries to heal parts of your brain that’s currently misfiring. I remember what my life was like before I had depression. For a couple days I had glimpses of that back. Microdosing isn’t forever; in fact, most say you should only do it for a month at a time, and many have not had to repeat the dosing, but have shaken their depression (or at least to something highly managable) with only one session (about a month, taking a microdose every 4th day).

So, today while I try this 0.2g (which seems about average for a microdose (they can go between 0.1g - 0.5g) I think that’s what I am going to think on. I know that I want my motivation and creativity back. But what does that look like?

It’s now 12:40PM. I thiiiiiink something is happening, because I’m noticing subtle shifts in light. Nothing crazy, but the blue of my Tumblr dash just looks more...blue-y. More saturated.

If you got this far...I’ll keep you updated.