#or at least when im recovering from doing so
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— badsansuary: days 22 - 24
yeah, let me be fashionably late for this. these prompts were made by @owl-bones !! i'll take any reason to show my selfship with night🙏 you understand. yes, every prompt i draw will be a diff au each time. yes, i have enough aus for this (with varying degrees of lore)
said au notes (+ last year's badsansuary art!) are under the cut:
Day 22: Paint -> Creative Arts AU
i have a couple of modern aus which are more or less all slice of life aus, and this one's just the trope of artist/artist so i don't need to explain much. main difference beyond that is that night is just not goopy LMFAO
i do wanna add that dream is also featured here because. its coldsunset poly (im dating both of em) for all the aus, its just a highlight on me and night bc of the prompt theme (note: my interpretation of dream is she's transfem and uses any pronouns fyi)
Day 23: Foolish -> Swapped!Medieval AU
now the medieval smoothie au has Much More Lore this time, especially since we've revamped it recently. it's gotten to the point of au-ception. because we're insane. in fact, this isn't the only swap au we have (i coined it as the Scales Swapped Timeline) and i might even draw the other swap (Royal Swap TL) if the opportunity arrives :]
the gist of this is that night swaps with dream! me and gillan (the fairy in the art) still work in dream's kingdom, its just that there's an excess of positivity instead of negativity. this leaves her kingdom oversaturated in positivity that they can't even process loss or any sort of negative emotions- and night can't be close to her because he starts to physically hurt (possibly even start dying) from the positivity, which forces him out the kingdom.
his crown is one of the few things he has that came from what is now dream's own kingdom (it doesn't fit him well, but he can't bare parting with it). i'm the one of the first to seek him out to try and improve kingdom relations in hopes of recovering the balance.
there's a lot to unpack there.
Day 24: Royalty -> Original Medieval AU
WE ARE SO BACK and i am enjoying this revamp to the fullest rn !!! we r embracing this fully by attempting to ocify the extended smoothie poly by humanizing designs and adding a bit more fantasy elements into the world. that's why most of these have human and skeleton variants btw (this will be a theme in my art)
the apple twins? dragon hybrids now. me and gillan? shapeshifter and fairy respectively. oh, and the lil' tiefling kid that present time night was reminded of when seeing his past self? that's the adopted kid in the new lore post-truce hehe. i didn't write it properly but "the person" that young passive says is meant to be "the person we love"
i would like to blame gillan for pushing the thought of a child into the au i am now very much attached to the child (their name won't be revealed yet tho). they're a young knight in training that just stuck to me and never left and now they got a whole ass family. w development
it's never not interesting to explore night's character with the au, i just love the dynamic we have despite the complicated history.
will i elaborate on this? that's a very good question. maybe ask me and i'll provide crumbs anyway! here's last year's stuff
i had the same goal of doing some prompts from night's days + the last free days, but they were gonna connect to each like this- but as you can tell, i didn't get far LMAO. at least i've done better this year tho
#mystfox art#bluesonas#blue's verse#utmv au#nightmare sans#dream sans#badsansuary#self ship#self insert#sona x canon#smoothie medieval au#moonbeam#coldsunset#modern au#there may be a vampire au too.. soon.. grins#dreamtale nightmare#passive nightmare sans#medieval au
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i cannot handle horror games and bioshock is turning out to be horror lite and its GETTING TO ME
#i clear out everyone from a room. i MAKE SURE there are no more enemies. bitches begin appearing behind me as if summoned#by the tantalizing call of terrified silas. rinse and repeat#and the factttt that you can hear them all through the wallssssssss#but the worst part is when i accidentally set off an alarm and have to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE for 50 seconds#this is so much worse than dishonored...... bring her back 2 me#personal /#im intrigued by the story but i also feel like im solely getting talked at while im busy trying to fight off goons and robots.#or at least when im recovering from doing so
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Sometimes your Mental Illness™ is kicking your ass and all you can do is offer the first hot, non-leftover meal you managed to prep in the day at 10:30 pm to Apollo & ask for help getting to *and* getting through your appointment tomorrow and that's okay
#the first thing i offered over the past two or three days b/c OOH boy this depression has HANDS#gonna be talking to my psychiatrist about changing meds b/c i think i've finally developed a tolerance to mine & im already on the high dose#so i dont really want to up it any more than it already has been (which is what she suggested last appointment)#i usually at least offer at hot meals but i didnt have the energy for that even#it doesnt help that im recovering from a big work presentation where i ran tech (aka keeping the powerpoints & other visual aids running)#all. day. which *i* offered to do but that doesnt make it any less tiring#...i also think i forgot to offer something to hermes that i was meaning to. gonna have to do that#i *was* planning on doing a tarot check-in on friday but uh. im definitely not in the right emotional headspace for that atm#gonna have to wait for when i can do more than lie in bed all day#listen to your body & brain folks. it's okay if all your energy has to go into riding something out#& you dont have the energy for all the rituals/prayers/offerings/etc that you usually do#coriander says#helpol#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#hellenic community#apollo#my post#mental health cw#depression cw#ive been offering the steam from hot meals to hestia too ofc b/c. you know. first & last#it felt weird not mentioning that somewhere#i *do* offer to just her or to her 'and all the deathless gods of olympus' too
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Seeing a certain group of star wars fans getting so mad about the acolyte because the characters aren't all mostly white straight people and like I love the acolyte but I understand that people will have valid complaints or might just not like it personally and that's fine too but like the people crying woke at everything are making us all look bad like why are you attacking Yord's actor for getting something wrong I would bet money Harrison Ford doesn't know what an Anakin is either and they still love him
Also people saying it's now too political because they saw a lesbian or something as if the original trilogy wasn't at least in part a commentary on the Vietnam War with the small armed insurgency using guerilla warfare tactics to defeat a much larger technologically superior richer empire like I that's not politics then I don't know what is and the less said about the prequels the better at least a quarter of those movies was following the debates and proceeding of a senate with the main villain being a politician
#at this point I'm wondering why they still watch every new star wars thing when it's so clear they hate most of it#like when do you just stop#I'm a recovering sequel bad disney bad person#im better now#at least I don't blame Kathleen Kennedy for any minor inconvenience anymore#my rants#star wars#the acolyte#disney star wars#never understood sending hate to actors#i think that's what finally got me away from the disney bad sequel bad crowd
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Work giving me all of two days week after next
Yay
Yippee...
#unsustainable#like how tf am i supposed to pay for Anything when im making#like 100$ a week#??????#at least its more time for comms#maybe doing those will get me more i just#i hate this#stupid job#been here 13 years but im.part time so no one cares lol!!!#i dont push myslef into breaking again so i dont deserve it#yes i said again!#dont think i ever fully recovered from. first burnout#but u know who cares?#no one :)
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oh grub stays a camp follower if yenna dies cool
#re: yenna. it's kinda silly that you can tell orin (as laezel) that you're fine if she kills her but then all dialogue after is sad about it#like looking at her body and using speak with dead#yenna's sweet and all but durge was trying to get rid of her the whole time and she came back every day. he's glad she's dead#well. and yknow. obviously he's glad she's dead. that's just him.#side not about yenna. probably the most stressful part of this whole game for me personally#i cant deal with bad things happening to cats it genuinely makes me sick. even writing about it like this makes me stressed#so the thought of ever getting the scene where yenna is kidnapped. um.#i want to do a proper murder hobo run one day but then that has to happen and idk how im gonna handle it#in the meantime i wish grub would play with scratch and the owlbear cub. poor thing#at least he doesnt just wander off into the city when yenna dies. id rather he sit here not interacting with anyone than vanish#oh sorry unrelated but i just saw that fucking naked statue of durge i commissioned at the circus#didnt realise it was just gonna sit prominently in every camp. just got to the elfsong room and yep there it is again#bleh sorry just trying to recover from thinking about what happens if yenna gets kidnapped. like im not exaggerating i cant handle it#personal#ash plays bg3
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need to start work Now bc you cant waste time you dont have!
#doing so great but i think im settling back into that baseline where i only feel truly comfortable when the house is empty#its not even noticeable but theres like a minute release of tension when im totally alone and my body wants to use that time to just reset#vs im like. well no i want to do stuff??#lets use the quiet to read! the dining table is free i can paint! i can write!#but no. i just slutchrot bc i need to recover from. nothing.#but yay at least once work is on i wont have time to think about this shit ill be working<3#im still a bit like. concerned about how i will endure a year like this#its such a babyish complaint but it truly does grind away at you like#im doing sososos much better now than i was when i lived here before#but its such a slow torture thing like it does truly have a bad impact on me and i hate it#but its fine! we move!#im gonna chalk all this up to pms and forget about it
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The snow is beautiful, I am making coffee and I am going to spend the rest of my day enjoying it and playing video games.
Because I started my morning with my mother going hey I will be there in 15 minutes and heres a list of things I need from your basement and then was trapped for two hours.
#i was still in bed when she told me she was on her way. went from no pants to dressed and everything upstairs in less then 10#but im finally getting to eat today. and just got to take my meds. its been a rough damn morning#at least it was here do all this shit instead of surprise! time for more trauma and triggers!#bc im not recovered from yesterdays bullshit of that variety that she subjected me to#have a mom they said. existence is fun they said.#but we arent talking about that anymore. we are not reactivating the ocd thought spiral#the witch speaks#id like some fun existence today. toss some whiskey in the coffee and have slow sex while the snow falls#alas i stopped drinking. but i do have gummie to fade out the...evil brain.#had someone tell me im avoiding my problems. no it breaks the obsession and terror so i can handle them with a clear head#when i am not mid meltdown. bc i cannot handle anything when i am having an emotional breakdown. so like.
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anyways all my homies love felix fathom, mf was doing what the social services could never do ❤️❤️❤️ king shit
#he really said 'hey i snaped ur abusive parents out of existence'#AND THE CROWD GOES WILDDD#FELIX COME HERE PLEEAAASSSEEEEE SPSPSPSPPSPSPPSPS I HAVE SOME NEW PARENTS FOR U TO THANOS SNAP PLLLEEEAAASSSEEEE#best villian motivation top tier he was so right i am a felix appologist until the end PLEASE come to my house and do ur evil schemes felix#PLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLSPLS#nah the finale really said 'gabriel was just a good nice guy really deep depp deep deep deep down' I HATE YOU MIRACULOUS WRITERS I HATE YOU#ALSO HOW DARE GABRIEL MAKE ADRIEN GO THROUGH THAT ???!??!?!??!#TO HAVE YOUR ABUSIVE PARENT DIE AND THEN BE TOLD BY THE PERSON YOU LOVE THAT YOUR ABUSIVE FATHER WAS GOOD REALLY AND THAT HE LOVED U AND#DIED TO SAVE YOU AND EVERYONE IN PARIS#WHEN REALLY HE WAS A FUCKING TERRORIST AS WELL AS AN ABUSIVE PARENT#THE AMOUNT OF THERAPY THIS POOR BOY IS GOING TO NEED#I ALREADY NEEDED SO MUCH THERAPY BECAUSE OF MY ABUSIVE PARENTS I CAN NOT EVEN IMAGINE HOW BAD ITS GONNA BE FOR ADRIEN#THE SURVIVORS GUILT IS GONNA BE ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANE.....#WHATEVER INHERITANCE ADIREN GOT BETTER COVER THERAPY COSTS AT LEAST GO DAMN#GABRIEL DO 1 ACTUALLY GOOD THING FOR UR SON AND SEND HIM TO THERAPY SO HE CAN RECOVER FROM UR ABUSE SJAHJASHKJK#ok im done tldr fuck gabriel stan felix <333 KASHJSHKJ#miraculous ladybug#mlb#felix fathom#gabriel agreste#miraculous#miraculous finale#miraculous season 5#miraculous spoilers#myposts
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it here hfkshfks
So when I was tuning the violins today. Well it was the first time I'd done anything with them in a while. And tbh I should've loosened the strings before leaving them for so long, but I hadn't thought of it.
So I tuned up my main violin. It's always been easy to tune & keeps in tune near perfectly when it's played regularly. So it went by quickly, except... when I'm tuning, I like to check the harmonic notes when cross-checking strings, and for whatever reason, the G string's harmonic was like half a note flat. The string itself was in tune tho, which was weird. So I went to adjust the bridge a little bit, just in case that might help, and then the G string fucking SNAPPED!!!
RIP lmao
Good for me tho I've always kept spares in my case. I had 2 of each string, so I just went and put in the new one. First time stringing a violin in years and years, but it went perfectly fine!!
Back and better than ever!
Then I went to tune my electric violin, and it took me literally 10 minutes bc the pegs DID NOT want to turn. I had to literally grab a blanket to pad my fingers as I put my whole self into that shit. It hurt !!!!! But I got it eventually lol. My main violin is definitely the best one for playing out of the bunch.
#speculation nation#i played my electric violin more than i ever have today.#didnt actually play my main violin like i first intended. bc it was getting late and i felt. bad.#so i played the electric violin. it worked! but i find myself missing my darling#i should try to practice at least a few more times before next semester. to make sure im prepared for returning to orchestra#(which isnt THAT an exciting prospect. take THAT my reoccurring dreams born from orchestra longing)#i actually picked it back up surprisingly well. outside of the um. stiff wrist and finger pains.#my wrist will loosen back up in time. thats the main reason i want to practice some more b4 next semester.#that plus my finger endurance. i still have pretty great dexterity. like it just felt really natural.#but my fingers got tired quicker than they used to and the SKIN. my CALLOUSES. are NOT THERE.#gonna wait until my fingers r recovered before i try taking my violin out again tho#also my wrist is a lil sore. i was demanding a lot from it today too.#not as flexible as it is when im actively playing but i actually managed to overcome it fine.#did my shifting and whatever. vibrato. whatever. really the worst part of the wrist stiffness is the finger positioning.#instead of being straight down on the strings my fingers had a bit of a turn to them#so the sides of the tips are sore now. owie. but oh well i made it work.#certainly wasnt my best playing but i did the best i could considering the circumstances.#in retrospect picking violin back up after Years and practicing and (re)learning a whole song to audition that SAME DAY is kind of insane.#whyd i do this to myself. oh yeah cause im stupid. oh well at least im following my heart.#i hope i hear back from the orchestra professor before too long. now that ive done the rehearsal im like. oughhh. yknow?#we will hope that friday night was good enough to count as 'by the end of the week'. we will hope.
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sometimes i cant wait to move out and live alone or just with my sibling. nothing against the rest of my family at all, but i look forward to more quietness at times
#not a vent#im not stoked to move out or am ready to leave. i love my family lots and i enjoy their company#when i move i will probably not emotionally recover for months and will need to see my family at least half the week#maybe im overexaggerating a bit. but the point is i will not do well completely alone and away from family#but i get overwhelmed by conversation or by sound and so i look forward to moving out for the quietness
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It's funny how my psychiatrist and psych nurses are all so supportive about my as of yet undiagnosed physical issues and do their best to keep those in mind when we discuss my care. Meanwhile GP and qualified doctors either tell me to "not compare my googling to their medical degree" or go all "yeah EDS sounds quite likely actually but there's no point diagnosing that since it cannot be cured anyway"
#the fact that eds + pots + fibromyalgia ALL run in the family doesnt matter apparently#throwback to last year when visiting that side and someone not even related who was there took ONE look at me and sibling and went#''omg you really ARE related!!!'' after they saw our fucked up overy bendy joints#i guess i have to pay for having unusually good psychiatric care compared to most lmaoooo#would have been lovely to know whats wrong though before the painful surgeries#im incoherent cause my pulse started racing to the point i couldnt form words or even stand#its calmed down now but i feel so distraught over recovering from psychosis finally#only for my body to break down even more#i dont know how to not feel despair and hopelessness#im so tired of the pain and exhaustion and not being able to do even basic things#so tired of staring at my ceiling so often because i cant even lift my head#i should make a specific whining tag because i should shut up about this but i cant#idk what itd be thougy im too sad and upset rn#im sorry#silvi talks#<- can at least block that if tired of my yapping#im open for tag name suggestions#maybe ''silvi is crying screaming throwing up'' lol#idk
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i love that my physical therapist has told me exactly Why I'm getting so much pain and how to fix it (nerves getting trapped in too tight muscles) but man i hate that fixing the problem (stretches and massaging around the trapped nerve) takes So Long and so much patience
#I've been fighting my lower back and right shoulder and both biceps for weeks now#there's a specific spot in my lower back that repeatedly gets trapped#and my biceps have literally been like this for so damn long that i stopped registering the pain part#like it felt like my biceps were bruised 24/7 when i touched them but otherwise i didn't notice#until i realised that my muscles had gotten so tight they were just like. HARD. like you know when you flex and they get stiff#it was just like that Always i still have a large section that's still wound up even though I've been trying to loosen it for weeks#most of it is better and it's not Hard and doesn't feel like a bruise as much but it still needs. a lot of work#most of this is from stress and trauma i just physically lost the ability to relax#(so hey if you feel like you have similar issues. get a muscle scraper tool and maybe do some yoga it Genuinely helps A Lot)#the spots that feel bumpy or gravelly are tight muscles and the places that feel like bruises are usually trapped nerves#at least that's what I've been told#just massage the muscle a bit with the scraper and do some stretches for that area and then ice it#the ice is important you need to make sure your muscles can recover properly from the strain of being moved after being so tightly wound#obligatory im not a doctor this is just the advice my physical therapist has given me and i just like to put information out there#in case someone like me just doesn't have the resources and knowledge to help themselves where they can#if i had learned these things sooner i might not have had some permanent nerve damage from all this#turns out your muscles can get tight enough that they eventually just kill your nerves a bit if it goes untreated for so long#and muscle damage that also happens
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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ppl will literally hold my face in both hands and look me in the eyes and say im the most perfect person they know and that im important to them and they want to be there for me. and ill still be like uhm what if they're just saying it to be nice but secretly hate my guts
#not rly true coz i feel more secure w this friend group than i ever have#partly bc forcing myself to recover from mento illness is going great and#partly because well. they hold my face in both hands and tell me they'd kill for me#i dont think they hate me im just always worried im annoying which is kinda new#not even annoying im just scared they'll get sick of me if im too.... too everything ig#and im desperately trying not to think about the fact that im going to move to a#different country and leave all of them and it's gonna be miserable#it's crazyyyy how fast time is moving. i need to enjoy every second coz man...#at least the work we have to do means we're gonna be traveling and living together basically all summer#and a bit in spring too#im literally winning life tbh and it's only the 2nd semester#we'll see. and the bad thing is i have no idea how i got such a big friend group so quickly and i#knowww that if i change majors or move away im never gonna have anything like this again#i literally like going to uni coz i miss them when im home that's so fucked up. like wtf.#im so not used to missing ppl like this and to ppl wanting to be around me it's crazy. hi#barking
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