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My thoughts about old version of Hellfire
Here I analyzed judge Claude Frollo, his arc, twisted worldview, conflicting feelings toward Esmeralda and the one certain and important moment of Hellfire, comparing it with the workprint version. What I can tell about the character's arc, it is pretty interesting arc for antagonist, especially in animation of 90s — in contrast to protagonist, who growths as a person and improves himself, learns something new and accepts some mistakes and wants to become better, valuing the new friends, the antagonist tries to save his world he created in his mind.
Now I want to discuss about the early version of Hellfire. I recently discovered and listened this song and noticed different lyris in some parts. So, I'll show them and write my thoughts, because these early lyrics, from one side, confirm some aspects of the movie and final song and, from another side, have quite different dynamic and mood, still keeping the initial message about love, corrupted by Frollo into obsession, possessiveness and wrath due to Frollo's fanaticism, racist and deluded worldview, ignorance, denial and fear to encounter own imperfection and to realize own crimes.
Yet, the early version and the final version (in contrast to the workprint version) show the character as the lonely and lost person, who falls into madness in attempt to save the twisted and sick (while in his eyes — nearly perfect) world he created in his mind. The first difference happens in the scene of Frollo's fetishism with Esmeralda's scarf. If in the final version we hear "Like fire! Hellfire! This fire in my skin! This burning desire is turning me to sin!",
in the old version the lyrics are these: Hellfire, it must be hellfire! I feel it searing, scalding underneath my skin! Hellfire! What is this? Hellfire! My brain is boiling, boiling, driving me to sin!
This moment confirms that Frollo never experienced neither falling in love, nor physical attractiveness before (like, he is 50-55 — very late puberty, you know). He doesn't compare it with hellfire, explaining it for himself in a bit subtle way, he blatantly explains his sudden feelings toward Esmeralda as hellfire. In the final version of Hellfire his previous line "Then tell me, Maria! Why I see her dancing there? Why her smoldering eyes still scorch my soul?" hints this aspect too (interesting, but smoldering also can mean "condemning" — previously Esmeralda accused him of cruelty and hypocrisy in front of all Parisians, and in my previous post I already mentioned Frollo's arc and biggest fear as the part of his inner conflict, why he doesn't want to admit his feelings to Esmeralda as a love). Plus, in the scene on the festival, when Esmeralda kisses him, you can notice another hint of his lack of experience — how confused, embarrassed, timid and meek Frollo is at this moment, until Esmeralda jokingly moves his hat. Simply saying, his aggressive and unadequate behavior is caused by his unability to understand his feelings and what he has to do in the conditions he happened to be — while his fanaticism and xenophoby are the bullets for the final blow.
The next moment is in the scene with Esmeralda's spirit Frollo dreamily walks to and wants to hug. In the final version he sings "Protect me, Maria! Don't let this siren cast her spell! Don't let her fire sear my flesh and bone! Destroy Esmeralda! And let her taste the fires of hell! Or else let her be mine and mine alone!". The final version focuses on his anger, fear (also fear of unknown), despair, turmoil, woe, how Frollo is afraid of his feelings and runs from them, hiding it under the mask of fury and blaming Esmeralda and others, and only in the small, but very personal, tender and powerful scene with Esmeralda's spirit we finally see, what Frollo actually wants — he wants to be loved by her, he wants her sincere and willing reciprocity, and that he actually idolizes and admires her. He looks lost, vulnerable and very lonely. And all this you actually can read and see in the visuals and expressions of the character. In the old vesion the lyrics are these: I curse you, Maria, and all your saints so cold and cruel, Who let this fire consume my flesh and bone! I curse Esmeralda, that name which means a fiery jewel! She is a jewel, and one that I must own! Here Frollo blames even the saints and at the same time here he openly admits especially to himself that he admires and idolizes Esmeralda, comparing her with a fiery jewel. The same theme of possessiveness and obsession with tiny shred of hidden real feeling of love, but more openly explained. Most likely, these storyboards demonstrate exactly this early version.
For some reason, it reminds me a little bit of ballet or figure skating. After Esmeralda's escape in the final version Frollo sings "Hellfire! Dark fire! Now, gipsy, it's your turn! Choose me or your pyre! Be mine or you will burn!". This version focuses on how terrifying Frollo is in his madness, possessiveness and anger, since he talks with Esmeralda through her scarf and gives to her the ultimatum, as if she intentionally ran away exactly after he opened up and revealed his feelings toward her. Some paranoidal disorder right here.
And partially the reason of such his outburst also can be explained by this previous scene with Esmeralda's spirit — I mean, Frollo clearly has some issues with trust at least toward humans, he is afraid of betrayal, so he will obviously feel wrath, if some person he opened up to will betray him and reveal Frollo's weaknesses to others or whatever. This outburst also allows him to burn Esmeralda's scarf he previously wore on his chest and hugged to himself.
While the early version gives a bit different mood: Hellfire! Let there be hellfire! I will possess this gypsy witch for whom I yearn! Hellfire! Let her taste hellfire! She will be mine, or at the stake I swear she'll burn!
He is still in wrath and feels insulted and betrayed, but here he promises and swears to himself that he will either possess Esmeralda or burn her. What's interesting, in this version it is the first time, when Frollo openly and seriously tells his goal of exactly taking away the life of Esmeralda, before this he didn't mention even the idea of that (while in the final version it was not so clear, 'cause he already sang "Destroy Esmeralda! And let her taste the fires of hell!" — although from his side it was a lie and another attempt to hide his true goal, which was later revealed "Or else let her be mine and mine alone!") and the way how he sings "Or at the stake I swear she'll burn!" — some kind of frightening realization of how far he had come, and there's no path for return. In the final version he is blinded by wrath in this moment and only after burning the scarf he realizes and feels regret and hesitates, but then immediately oppresses all these feelings in favor of "But she will be mine or she will burn!". So, yeah, it was pretty interesting journey and comparing the old and final versions of the gorgeous song, how the authors communicate the theme and ideas of fear, victimblaming, obsession, possessiveness, corrupted love, loneliness, fanaticism and self-hatred. It could be interesting to read the early script, since the authors mentioned about the couple of deleted scenes — for example, how Frollo actually visited Esmeralda in the prison, revealed to her his feelings and gave the choice to either be with him or to die, and only after this we would see the sentencing before execution scene and Frollo's final and last attempt to possess Esmeralda we saw in the final movie "I can save you from the flames of this world and the next. Choose me or your pyre." (honestly, Frollo could make the ultimatum even more terrifying and hopeless — I mean, he wanted to genocide all Romani, so he could tell to Esmeralda "You and all your kind will die! If you choose me, I will save you and mercy on them all!").
Looking at the horror in Esmeralda's face and eyes during this sequence in the movie, and how she shrinks into the pillar, just to distance herself away from the judge, I wonder, what frightening he told her and even did in the prison.
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hi
I read your post about your courage to talk about tickling in therapy. And that you are thinking about sharing bits of it with us. ❤️🩹 If you feel comfortable? Please, do so. I started therapy a while ago, but haven’t had the courage or mental unloading level to talk about this chapter, tbh.
Hello!! I'm gonna use your ask as the place to talk about this, so yes, I really hope this can possibly be helpful to you and others!! This is mostly going to be about dealing with shame surrounding tickling and sort of...why I think it became a kink for me? Trigger warnings for mentions of grooming, sexual abuse, and pornography.
So, I grew up with unrestricted internet access as a child. My parents had no idea how to deal with growing technology, and they really didn't understand how to put child safety features on or how to even check the history, so I could pretty much do whatever I wanted.
From a very young age, I started experiencing the feeling that I thought about tickling differently than other people, but there wasn't really shame about it, I just knew that it...mattered more to me than others? I would describe it as more of a fixation, and now as an adult who has been diagnosed with autism, I'd say it might have something to do with that.
As a very young child, I would look up things about tickling, and I was immediately met with fetish content. Back in the early 2000's, even fanfiction was mostly sexual. Harry Potter ticklefics were all, like, an underage Hermione being non-consensually tickled by magical plants, or Voldemort or Snape using it to torture Harry.
As an impressionable child, I began to internalize the idea that this likely innocent interest in tickling was a dark, perverted sexual deviance and developed a debilitating sense of shame towards it. It's why the word would make me cringe, why I stopped letting my family do it to me, why I would feel disgusted and embarrassed when it happened in shows and movies.
Recently, my partner, our mutual best friend, and I had this very deep talk about fetishes. We all have one that we are deeply ashamed of (obviously I'm not going to share theirs) and both of them have never judged me for a single second about tickling. Whenever it happened in media we were watching, my friend expressed not knowing how to handle it for my sake, because I would very clearly get uncomfortable.
He encouraged me to really think about why it made me uncomfortable, especially in a room with 2 of the only people in my life who would never judge me for it, and I decided to take his advice and really dwell on it.
There had been a reason that I had to bring it up in therapy previously, it's a long and frankly far too personal story to share, but I had really danced around what it was and my therapist ended up asking if she could guess what I was talking about, and she correctly guessed that it was tickling. My therapist is super chill and comfortable talking about literally anything with me, and she didn't make me feel judged at all. In fact, she was like, "I think a lot of people find that hot as like, foreplay at least!" and fully promised me that it was normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Basically, with a mixture of self-reflection, discussing it in therapy, and talking about it with my partner and our friend, I have come to this conclusion: Being exposed to tickling as a sexual fetish at such a young age, as a child with no prior concept of what sex was or consent or anything, I was conditioned by pornography and inappropiate fanfiction/fanart the believe that there is something perverted and predatory about me liking tickling.
As someone with sexual trauma that was occurring around the same age that I discovered these things online, seeing the constant non-consensual and underage elements in these things made me see myself in the same light as people who were abusing me.
The ironic thing about this is, tickling is not inherently sexual to me, but I never let myself experience it platonically until very recently, because I was convinced I could not separate the sexual aspect from the innocent fixation. Tickling between myself and my platonic friends, or just playful/romantic tickling with my partner is also fun for me, and it doesn't turn me on. But I really struggled to acknowledge that these things could coexist, because I only ever saw the sexual side of it at the most impressionable age.
I have really bad intrusive thoughts, and a lot of self-esteem issues that make it very hard for me to trust myself and view myself in a positive way, so my mentally ill brain essentially convinced me that I was perverted, that I was a predator, etc. for simply...liking tickling. Even though logically I can understand that I am not a bad person, I don't want to non-consensually tickle people, I value consent, all of those important things, I felt like there was just something inherently wrong about liking it, and so, while I have preached being comfortable with it on this blog, I didn't even realize how deeply I have hated myself for years for it.
That is one reason why I think this blog and this community have been therapeutic for me, and why I still rarely write NSFW fanfiction. Tickling is a kink for me, yes, but I can fully separate when a situation is sexual or not. Recently, I have been able to start healing this. The friend I mentioned earlier knows how I feel about tickling and is still comfortable with it happening between us, which has really helped me begin to view it as a fun/safe/platonic thing again, and I'm getting way better at not getting uncomfortable when it happens in media.
My therapist has suggested doing some deeper work on this, but I kind of feel like I got to the bottom of the problem and am already feeling a lot better about it. However, I'm sure it will come up again.
I just wanted to share this because I always said talking about tickling in therapy would be my worst nightmare, that I would never do it, etc. and it ended up being a really positive experience that has made me so much more comfortable in myself and liking tickling.
I hope this could be insightful or helpful to some of you!! Thanks if you read this far.
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Happily Married
Felinette, 18+
(upcoming on Ao3, chapters 10-11 are published on Patreon)
Art credit @aspenaspid, original Tumblr post.
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“Y-you did what…?” gasped Adrien, looking at her slightly dumbfounded, disbelief written all over his face. “You can't have Ladybug join you in bed, Marinette!” There was some special sort of desperation in his voice, as if Adrien was mostly trying to convince himself, and not her. “Besides, she would never agree to this!”
“Adrien, you don’t have to worry about us so much,” she smiled softly, doing her best to calm him down a little, although she had no intention of trying to soften the blow for him too much. The threesome with Ladybug story she came up with yesterday solved too many problems at once for her to abandon it.
“But you can’t… She can’t…” It seems he wanted to formulate something and couldn't find the right words for it. “How could Felix... with both of you... I don't understand...”
Marinette knew that his confusion was about something else, but she decided to pretend that she understood him differently in order to voice what was beneficial to her. “I mean, it's Ladybug, right? She's as safe as it can be, and she's the heroine of Paris. And I'm sure she won't do anything to hurt either of us.” She turned to her friend and asked a question, the answer to which she already knew, unfortunately. “Judge for yourself, Adrien, if you were in my place—well, or in Felix’s place, anyways—would you refuse?”
The model stared at her with his mouth open, looking confused, and flustered, and stunned, and defeated. “You’re right…” he finally muttered, staring at the floor. “I… Felix is a lucky man…”
“And I am a lucky woman,” she reminded him quietly, probably looking at him a little harsher than she was supposed to look at her good friend.
Perhaps now she wasn’t looking at her friend at all, but at a man who had never opened his eyes, hadn’t noticed her, or had noticed her in the wrong place, or too late. She looked at the man who didn’t want her once and whom she no longer wanted either. And maybe in this whole conversation, behind all her reasons and benefits from the result, there was still a hint of a small but sharp feminine revenge…
Ladybug jumped into her open window so suddenly, Marinette instantly took a fighting stance, taken by surprise. Fortunately Adrien was no less startled than she was and didn’t notice her trained reaction.
“Oh, hi, Adrien, didn’t know you were here,” the heroine of Paris said to the model, walking through Marinette's studio (with her standing right there!!) as if nothing special had happened. She glanced at the designer and smiled. “I won’t be long,” she promised as she winked at Adrien who watched her in bewilderment, “I just wanted to give a quick kiss to my new girlfriend.”
Felinette Tag list (ask me to join)
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#felix graham de vanily#miraculous felix#felix miraculous#mlb felix#felix agreste#felix culpa#felix mlb#felix fathom#flairmidable#argos#pv felix#felix pv#marinette dupain cheng#mlb marinette#felinette#felinette fanfic#felinette november#felinette month 2024#marinette x felix#felinette forever#aged up felinette#miraculous ladybug#miraculous lb#miraculous fanworks#mlb fandom#mlb fanfic#miraculous fanfic#mlb au#miraculous ladybug au#miraculous au
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Okay, I found this perspective really interesting because I've never thought of it this way before, so I pondered about it for some time and wanted to write my take on this:
I consider myself a psychological therian. I don't believe in the afterlife, so neither in past lives. Everything wolfish that happens in my life is related to the present moment.
I am a pwBPD, so aggression is a part of my wolf experience. It's not a defining part, but I also can't separate it from it.
What I found interesting was the idea that for a wolf hunting is not violence, it's an instinct. A wolf doesn't have a human perspective. I do, which makes it complicated.
I do feel the urge to hunt, I crave meat, blood, sometimes I want to tear things to shreds, to growl, bite, express dominance, protect my pack.
But these things make me ashamed, because I'm judging them from human perspective. And sure, I can't be fully myself all the time, because I live in human society, but I'm even ashamed in therian spaces, because the judge is inside.
That's the inner dichotomy: There's the human part, and from that part, I empathise with other animals and don't want them to suffer, so I try to at least compromise by buying meat as ethically as possible, because I can't give it up due to the animal part.
If I deprive myself of what 'the Wolf' craves, I suffer. And then it gets worse, much more destructive and unhealthy. So, I try to 'feed the Wolf' in a way that's not harmful (like writing about these experiences online).
When I get in the wolf mindset, tho I don't feel guilty about eating meat, or weird for tearing into it. It's just instinctual. Just like the urge to howl or whine.
And like you said, hunting isn't about violence it's about the thrill of the chase, the feeling of sharing the same goal with the pack, it's almost intimate. And it's natural. If we judge that, we judge it from the human perspective.
I was also glad you mentioned the experience of wandering, because I don't think I've seen anyone talk about it before, though it's such a huge part of my wolf identity and always has been.
That's why Wolf's rain has been such a huge point of awakening for me in the beginning, because I very much identified with the endless search for...something. As Kiba mentioned in the anime, it's not even Paradise in a biblical sense as an ideal, it's just a future.
And I've always had this drive in me. To go on. I used to be proud of my ability to never give up. Before life knocked me to the ground. But after I stood up, found my wolf-self again, I still have Hope. Even though I'm going through the darkest time of my life.
I never knew if it's just inertia, but I've always connected it to the Wolf. I just can't stay in one place too long. I get restless. I have moved flats way too many times in my life. I used to run away from relationships, because of my need for freedom (I need to make a note here that those were relationships where I was masking), changed interests, started projects and abandoned them...
I tended to try and fight against this tendency, but I'm starting to think it's a part of who I am. I'm not careless with my relationships, tho. I also have a wolf's loyalty. So, unfortunately for me, when I bond with someone, even a friend, for me, it's for life. Then it hurts when people inevitably move on.
This hunger, empty belly - it's been with me as long as I can remember. And I have my own psychological explanations for it, but it's also inseparably tied to my wolf experience. So, I was glad to realise, after reading your post, that it's just a natural thing.
(I wrote about packs in a different post, but I would like to write about the weird vivid quality of wolf experiences too, I'll get to it in another post, I hope.)
Content warning: this post contains mentions of wolves hunting other animals, and some thoughts on the subject. Nothing I'd consider graphic, but I know it can be sensitive for some folks so I thought I'd warn beforehand!
Hhh, it's a bit hard to know where to start with getting back into writing about my experiences.
It's not that I don't have anything to say - it's the opposite! There's so much I'd like to share. I've always loved talking about my experiences... maybe a bit self-indulgent, but I like to think it can help other folks too, and I've gotten many interesting conversations out of it in the past, so no regrets!
Can't imagine I'll be posting big things like this frequently, but I'll happily answer questions and chat too. ^u^
So... right now, what I've decided I'd like to write about is some of the, I guess kinda fundamental aspects of my identity as a wolf therian.
It's interesting in a way, because there are so many wolves around - there's a lot of people to compare experiences against! I guess, if you have a rare kintype, or a kintype that's varied enough that your individual variation of it is rare (like dragons) - it might be hard to imagine that a wolf would struggle to find other people they relate to. But then, well: there's me.
I don't think anyone's nonhuman experiences are wrong. I don't think anyones' are "superior" either; it's just about who you are as an individual, what feels right and comfortable to you. I just wanted to get that across! Cause what I'd like to talk about does involve some comparison between my feelings and the things I've seen expressed by other wolf therians, and I wouldn't want it to be read as me saying my way of being as any better than anyone elses' (it's not).
During my time in the kin and therian communities (which, I first encountered over ten years ago now, but my activity has been very on-and-off since I reached adulthood) I've met so, so many wolf therians. It's... hmm, complicated for me, in a way? Because I felt very isolated, especially when I was younger, and I felt like wolf therians were supposed to be "my people". But really, I could count on both hands how many wolves I've met that I really related to on any level.
And the reason for that is the same now as it's always been: for a lot of wolf therians, being a wolf seems to be a kind of violent, bloodthirsty identity. The "predator" feeling is strong; there's some affinity for the thrill of the kill, the violence of it all.
That's not a bad thing. It's not wrong! But my experience has been... very different from that.
My perception of wolfhood isn't really "red in tooth and claw" like that. It's more... simple. Not peaceful really - life as a wolf is full of trials and strife - but the violence never felt defining for me. In terms of personal importance, the feelings of wanting to hunt, to fight, to bite and maim... I'd be lying if I said they were entirely absent, but they were always tertiary to things that seemed far more present and central.
I think a big part of that is... well, for context, I believe my wolf identity is linked to a past life. Yeah, stereotypical, I know! But it's genuinely what I experience; I do remember that life, or at least aspects of it. And those memories influence a lot of my experiences in my current life as a wolf-person.
The thing that strikes me most when I compare my own perspective on wolfhood to the ideas often expressed by other wolf therians, is that to me, hunting wasn't violence. It couldn't be violence.
Why? Because I just plain didn't realise that the deer and other animals we killed were living things.
There was no... room to even consider that idea. I didn't know that the deer I drove to exhaustion felt pain and terror, same as I did. I just knew I was hungry and it was food.
It's a strange thing to consider, isn't it? People talk a lot about "what makes us human". I don't think there's any one thing that does. But if I were to point to one of the most jarring, and one of the most utterly sacred parts of being human to me, it would be the ability to connect emotionally with other species.
Humans are not unique for doing that. And maybe there's some animals a wolf could come to see as an individual, in the way I would've seen another wolf. But a deer would never be that. Which contrasts strangely with me, now, as a human: where I can love pigs, and care about their welfare and treatment, but still enjoy some bacon or a porkchop. That can conflict, sometimes, yeah - but from a wolf perspective, that would be incomprehensible. At least, from my experiences it would be.
And if you remove the idea of violence from hunting, suddenly a wolf's life doesn't seem very violent at all. The act of hunting and killing prey animals felt no more violent to me, than when I cook up a steak for myself now. To someone, that would be violent, but to me it's just a steak - y'know? I know the steak comes from a cow, but that fact brings me neither grief nor pleasure. It's just kinda how the world is and I'm mostly okay with that.
The act of hunting was, I'd say, something I enjoyed as a wolf. I loved the chase. It was fun. Taking down prey could be scary; even a deer is dangerous when cornered and desperate. But the thing with nature is that it makes what you have to do to survive feel desirable: so risking my life for a meal felt thrilling, in a way, and a full belly afterwards was satisfying, and comforting, and a relief from the usual gnaw of hunger.
Hunting's only a small part of being a wolf, though. Even setting aside all the attempted hunts that fall through before you even get into a full sprint.
A lot of wolf life focuses on territory. In some places, it's a very intense, almost war-like conflict; constant, bloody, often fatal. Not always, though. It depends a lot on the intensity of the ecosystem you live in: a place with lots of prey attracts lots of wolves, who then compete for access. If the prey's more spread out, the wolves are more spread out too... and an area of land feels less worth dying for when you've got so many others to search.
Me and my pack were one of the latter varieties. Territorial conflicts were rare, for us; I don't recall any specifically. We patrolled, we marked our space. Territorial disputes were something I was aware of, I think - if I saw a trespasser I certainly would've acted with aggression - but it just wasn't a common occurrence.
So my experience of being a wolf didn't feel like it was defined by violence much. It didn't feel bloody and raw. I could see myself in the image of a wolf that snarls, maybe, but moreso I see myself in the image of the wolf that sleeps, or - perhaps most of all - the wolf that wanders.
And that's what existence as a wolf was, and is for me! It's wandering. It is the neverending search. Even when you find what you need, the relief can't last long - you need to move on soon, you need to seek again soon, because it won't be long before your empty belly's gnawing at your insides again. It wasn't ever a life of violence, it was a life of travel, for the good and the bad of it: for the new sights and new smells and new opportunities; for the exhaustion, the uncertainty, the sore paws and aching muscles.
And the restlessness. The need to keep moving. Keep going. Keep searching, always searching.
But, of course, that's still not the centre piece of the puzzle. Because that could only ever, of course, be the pack.
This is something I'll probably dedicate time to writing about all on its own, because I have such deep feelings about "the pack" as a concept, and also about my pack, who I lived for in my last life.
But I will say that all of my deepest, most vivid, and most impactful memories... they're not of the hunt, they're not about territory or conflict or hunger. What I remember most richly is the love I felt for my pack. It's a feeling I can't quite find it in me to explain; sometimes I wonder if the reason I identify as loveless in this life, is simply because no love I've ever felt as a human could compare to what I felt as a wolf.
I think there's a kind of synergy between the simple mind of a wolf, and the feelings a wolf experiences: in the quiet of an animal's mind, emotions seem so much stronger, so much more vivid somehow. I feel that even now, when I have a mental shift, and the logic and reason falls away - all that's left is emotion and physical senses, and they paint a picture so, so bright.
And those past life memories that I hold dearest, they have a similar quality to them... to curl up with my family after a long day of travel. Or listen to their happy snores as we all sleep off a full belly. And playing with the pups... I was a very fun wolf-uncle. And those pups were my joy, light of my whole life! <3
So... yeah. That's what being a wolf is to me.
It's not the only way to be a wolf. It's not the "right" was vs anyone else's "wrong". This is just what wolfhood is to me personally. Maybe other wolves will see something of themselves in this, maybe not! Either way, I appreciate the time you took to read my rambling. It feels nice to carve out a place in my life again where I can really talk about this stuff. c:
#my take#wolf therian#psychological therian#prey drive#werewolfkin#canine therian#therian things#adult therian#actually borderline#therian shift#cw blood mention#hunger#cw hunting#cw meat#therian vocals#long post#white wolf's tracks
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didn’t want to lump this into OP’s post unasked, but the topic of “it’s okay if you just so happen to dislike somebody while still being civil about them if you have to engage with them, you don’t have to go digging for the flimsiest possible justification of your dislike” is something I think about a lot when it comes to tumblr’s relationship with media over the years, honestly.
like, it would be ahistorical and downright dishonest to say that some of tumblr’s reputation for being “a blog site with pvp enabled” doesn’t come from the fact that there are and always have been users on here who felt like they had to justify their dislike or disinterest in a really popular thing at one point. it’s just plain factual that said dislike motivated them to go digging into a creator or actor’s past to try and find something sufficiently negative that they could use it as justification for publicly dumping on something. I know this because I’ve had people say it to me, seen people say it, and I’ll admit to even having thought it myself a couple times over the years (in my defense, I’ve been on tumblr since like 2010, I was much younger then).
“I can finally make a post about how awful this show is and then I’ll never have to see people talk about it again because my mutuals will feel like they can’t reblog things from it” may not have been the exact words that anybody said, sure. but in a time before we had resources for blocking tags and posts we didn’t want to see, the extremely nebulous claim that something was “problematic” (scare quotes intentional, the term as tumblr uses it has ALWAYS been too vague and unspecific to have any real place in actual discourse or critique imo) was often enough to get mutuals and sometimes even tumblr celebrities to boost your post decrying it. and that attitude definitely extended toward people whose posts or typing quirk or overall vibe just… didn’t do it for you.
is that an okay way to act? no. is it the ONLY reason people might feel like they have to find concrete ‘proof’ their dislike of somebody is justified? definitely not. is it the only time anybody feels that way? of course not. sometimes bad people DO have bad vibes, or a show’s writing or an actor’s behavior are subtle red flags that subconsciously warn us not to get too invested in something. but the very specific “once I have the perfect reason for disliking this crafted, I can bring it up whenever I need to or keep it in mind if anybody asks why I’m so rude to this guy or get so mad when I see gifs from this show” mindset is one that’s sadly had a lot of cultivation and fuel devoted to it over the site’s various eras of discourse. unlearning the idea that you have to have a reason to dislike someone and internalizing “I can be civil to this person or neutral about this thing other people like, and avoid them/block the tag for whatever reason I want”, is one of the healthiest things for a person to do.
#daphne.txt#please be normal about this if you add onto this post#I have so fucking many blocked tags and it isn’t out of hatred or resentment or something#or about judging my friends for posting what they want to post#because it’s not like people don’t block tags *I* use either#you can block whatever tags of mine you want that’s WHY I tag things so thoroughly#that and personal organization/archive purposes of course#like you don’t need a crusade or documented evidence to justify disliking something. just don’t be an ass about it to somebody’s face
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One of my ocs cosplaying as Siffrin from In Stars And Time, since I thought it would be fun to draw
#Thats right kids i finally started shading my drawings#Who would have thought doing that actually made them look better?#if you've been following DR and want to know: cosplaying in general is something Kotadonians are only supposed to do while uncloaked#because its a form of self expression. lumir would only dress like this around his friends and family#im sure there are kotadonians including lumir cosplaying under their cloaks now the more i think of it. that fits their whole thing.#divergent rebirth#divergent rebirth lumir#divergent rebirth act 1#< if you want to know what i was talking about earlier look in that tag on my blog one of the posts is on Kotadonian modesty standards#tldr Kotadonians wear near-identical cloaks and only take them off around trusted people#the idea is that way you dont get judged by strangers for how you dress because strangers have no idea how you dress#in stars and time#isat#original character#character art#when pressed for comment my friend has disclosed that “lumir stylin'.”
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@anonymous-archive Oh yeah? And who in the absolute fuck are you? Some kind of crop cop? I have a name, jsyk... Adults would be able to figure out my intentions through a thing called "reading comprehension" which is a thing they'd quickly figure out how to have if they looked at what I was really saying for more than a few seconds but what exactly the fuck are you trying do here, nonny? Like what exactly are you're intentions? Like, the fuck are you archiving? Oh wait! I already fucking know!
Because judging from these two different antis/fantis in your related blog, section, it might've lead me to this entirely correct notion that you might an anti/fanti yourself and that your suspicious fuck ass anon blog might have leaks on it and you might be trying to get me to inadvertently spread them... And low and I won't behold ... Your "archive" has leaks... And now I have to see if I can reblogs the fuck off for this post in an effort to further contain what I will not see because now one of my posts has a leaker on it and you've tainted this post for everyone going forward!
But I want to make this statement first because you know ... I thought about doing a funny and blocking you, but screen capping your above reply in one of my "confusing" crop shots just like the one you're concern trolling me about and naming you and shaming you and outting you as a leaker... But then I'd thought I'd be naming a leaker and a way to access leaks on my blog either way? Which is technically what I just did with venting about bnf bullshitter petitprincess1 willing leaking shit to people too, just like you are, which I guess is what lead to the rest of you leak geeks coming out of the woodwork to get me now huh? So I can't win!
Technically though, what I can do now is give people the actual link to your blog they'll need to click in order to both block and report you while I give myself ample opportunity to block and report you after I make this public statement about how much I hate you and that that what you are doing is objectively wrong, before I disable reblogs so your bullshit can't spread further, just so everyone will know I condemn you...And much like good reading comprehension skills imply, I think that my friends and followers in the fandom are smart enough to understand how I'm unironically condemning your shitty behavior here and will thus be smart enough to know not to look at any actual leaks as I am naming you and shaming you and link them back to your blog so we can all block and report you and hopefully get you deleted for doing that ...
All of this is to say ...
@anonymous-archive is apparently a Hazbin Leak Archive, everybody! Don't even look at their shitty stolen "content" just please use the drop down menu from the @ to block and report them like I'm about to! And anony, again, for the record you've just completely ruined my post with all your unnecessary commentary by being an unnecessary stinky leak spread sandwich and a completely unnecessary waste of space and time so fuck the right the hell off and choke for that too! :D ♥ X.O
Fyi I don't care how old you are, if you post any obnoxious banners in the main tags, you're no better than antis and should get the fuck out of the fandom.
There's a nuanced argument to be made about how Striker and Blitz would 100% be in the right about Stolas if this was real life, but you're watching a raunchy adult cartoon musical fantasy where all the characters are flamboyant hot macho dicks who sometimes break out into whimsical musical parodies of Disney.
If you wanna watch a mediocre lizard who's not as much eye candy be right about a cartoon monarchy, you can go watch Star vs. The Forces of Evil because it's already all been done before and the children have already been taught that lesson.
But adults don't need to be taught that lesson, and Helluva Boss is for adults, so why don't you shut up and let the adults watch the much more aesthetically pleasing and attractive evil demon lizard/owl/whatever the the fuck monster bimbo men kiss and be horrible hot mess trash to each other and then maybe make the fuck up so that the other one can have their Sinderella Story?
It's all a fantasy wrapped in aesthetically pleasing adult animation.
For Fun.
This isn't me implying children's cartoons are actually deeper than any adult content, this me telling you that you're annoying if you clog the tags with petty childish shit like this and need to leave the rest of the adults who actually know what we're watching in peace.
#luna replies to people#hazbin hypocritical#block list#blocklist#instant block#Hazbin Hotel#Helluva Boss#stolitz#petitprincess1#(mentioned)#big name fan bullshit#bnf bullshit#Like I've already blocked the infamous#chaifootsteps#as well as the other whatshisfuck with the adam icon (Red Flag...)#And I'm sorry public naming and shaming is the best I can think of to condemn this behavior ... but if any of this comes off as “ironic” or#"disingenuous' to you...like just in case ... Then that's a dash of#fandom ableism#talking bye ... </3#I don't think I can make it *ANY* clearer how much I despise people who *WILLINGLY* spread leaks I guess I'm just a confrontational person#who thinks adults can be adults and wear the blindfold until the supper is fully cooked and nosy children who stick their filthy hands in#prematurely should be intentionally Beaten through Towns Square with the Wooden Spoon as all ... lol! :D <3 X.O#undescribed#Anyway...#anti culture#fanti culture#antis#fantis#anti#anti anti
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement…#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵💫#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄#anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog…#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔#idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º_º )#I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts…#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃
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................. not to rain down on anyone's parade but barely characterized 14 year old lucerys could never have the swag eleanor or henry had
#1#2#3#4#5#again you do you per carità i'm not here to judge anyone's taste because then i'd be a fucking hypocrite#but this still made me laugh#maybe because i never really understood the hype around luke/aemond. i mean i get it on a intellectual level#but there are so many juicier pairs in hotd that while i understand why people would ship it i'm not sure why it's so popular#no hate to the pairing or anything of course. you can ship whatever you want!#but this reeks of the usual inflated m/m ship with one (or two) fictional men with weak or barely acknowledged characterizations#while incredibly complex female characters (at least in comparison) are JUST THERE#again this is not a hate post about the ship or slash pairings (OBVIOUSLY!!)#but still. in any case the eleanor/henry dynamic fits better with rhaenicent or maybe daemyra tbh#like... even when i love a ship with all my heart i wouldn't assign *every* possible au to them but only those who fit their characters bes#if my otp is a etl ship i wouldn't want to read or write a childhood friends to lovers au because what i like about them#is that they fucking hate each other's guts and perpetually try to kill the other (before falling in love... and sometimes even after)#if a pairing is more p&p like i really couldn't get into a wuthering heights au even if i'd recognize it's magnificently written#because that's not what these characters and their dynamic are. it would be projection#at this point i would prefer to read/write about two ocs ngl#again in fandom you can do whatever you want i'm no one and i could never tell you what you can or can't like. that'd be ridiculous#and idw the op of that post to feel bad about it. it's just my personal preference/opinion on fanworks that's all#val speaks#val rambles in the tags#txt
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[Additional Image Description: On a grey background, there are five small black line art illustrations lined up across the center. The first is a sword with a hooked blade pointing upwards, the second is a hand with magic curling up out of it, the center is a castle with wavy lines extending from it into a dark sky, the third is a beaker with steam curling up from it, and the last is a shortsword pointing downwards. The sword has a few dark red shading lines. In the lower right corner of the fanmix cover is the title, "heart of my own," in dark red medieval calligraphy font. End Additional Image Description.]
HEART OF MY OWN - A FANMIX FOR CASSANDRA DE ROLO IN THE TIME OF THE BRIARWOODS
Overgrown - machineheart // Edge of the World - Within Temptation // Ashes and Rust - Wynnie Stone // Take Me Home - The Paper Kites, Nadia Reid // Nobody (Live) - The Crane Wives // The Tangled Tree - Josienne Clarke and Ben Walker // Heart Of My Own - Basia Bulat // Don't She Run - I Draw Slow // Murder City - Abigail Lapell // Until the Fire - Ladytron // Control - Halsey // Lament - Mount Moriah // Catch the Light - Haroula Rose
Fanmix on YouTube
Fanmix on Spotify
#cassandra de rolo#cr1#music#fanmix#id in alt text#described#remember how i was like i spent $8 or whatever it was on paint from cvs because i wanted to make the cass fanmix a painted cover?#l + ratio + i did not have time + my camera isn't working so i can't even do a minimalist painted version#so here's literal clipart (not actually clipart its free use images from pixabay but lets be real. stylistically. its clipart)#you can see what my Vision would have been (i wanted to paint the above in medieval manuscript illustration style on a black#background where instead of the (very nice) castle in the center it would have been the sun tree/tree from the de rolo crest#with curling branches and roots filling the whole paper above and below as well#honestly i think artistic vision clip art edition turned out good! captured the vibe. even found a sword that looks like craven edge.#this is another thing i never made a follow-up post about and i'm going to do that rn (pandemic talk incoming)#i'm stepping away from the fandom by the live show because i can't watch them do a live show in a pandemic#like friends are staying in the fandom and i don't judge/care!! i don't *want* to leave i just can't watch or do art and fic for a#work of fiction after it gets real life human beings killed#thats my uncrossable line#its an incredibly sad and fucked up situation#and this week i'm trying to finish up some fanworks (this and another mix and two fics) that i had done or over half done pre-announcement#so i can get that out of the way and focus on. i guess irl is not the word but keeping in touch with fandom bros and practical stuff for#what i think will be a shitty last couple of weeks before the live show itself
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thoughts.......................
#admitting to a lot here but I'M TIRED. the implications!! ugh whatever....#observations after being made aware of certain happenings in fandom spaces. state of the union i suppose.#yeah. sucks that often i'm concerned about leaving a like on certain posts or a kudos on certain types of fics for fear of the wrong person#seeing it and deciding to call me out. as if i'm some influential blog! what does it matter? but hmm. some fandoms are lame asses over stuf#there are good authors & people i'm friends with who have insightful takes and posts. and talent! but i'm a coward. because of the content.#and i feel like a fraud when i talk about being against censorship & say 'do what you want'. clearly i'm lacking since i feel hesitation.#i wish people could mind their business. & either not be so repressed or force repression on others. can't we all just get along?#it really wasn't like this maybe 5-10 years ago. more towards 10. i hate what happened to fandom so much.#why am i admitting this now? maybe to force myself to speak up if i ever see harrassment in the future.#because i never spoke up in the past and i feel shitty about it.#people might even be talking about and making stuff i'm not actually interested in but i don't think it matters!!#it's all fiction and fandom and genuinely mostly harmless. leave people alone???? maybe????#i just want to leave nice comments on my friends fics & to other good writer's works that might have a higher rating ok??#and not face a 'saw you at the devil's sacrament' situation#which in itself is hypocritical but i still don't want to face it! i just want to be left alone!! good writing is good writing!! ahh#i could make another blog but why? i have nothing original to say i just want to not feel judged for giving a like or leaving a comment#end scene.
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The Gentle Light
Fandom/Pairing: The Devil Judge - Gahan
Length: ~ 9 000 words
Series: Bonus chapter to Who Holds the Devil
Rating/Warnings: T / Angst, Psychosomatic Pain, Possessive Behaviour
Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Pining, Unrealiable Narrator
Summary: A missing scene that takes place at the start of chapter 7 of Who Holds the Devil, from Yo Han's POV.
It cannot be read separately and for the best experience — and to avoid spoiling yourself — I recommend you finish at least chapter 11 of the main fic before reading this.
Enjoy, my darlings ;)
GO HERE TO READ
#The Devil Judge#Kim Ga On#Kang Yo Han#Gahan#The Devil Judge Fanfic#The Gentle Light#Who Holds the Devil#My Fanfics#Amethystina Writes#SURPRISE BITCHES#I decided to be nice#And actually post this#Also#I joked to my friends about how much money I could make if I put this behind a paywall#Since you all have been pretty desperate for Yo Han's POV#Though it might not be a scene you actually wanted#Still#I guess you're lucky I don't actually need money is what I'm saying xD
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SORRY TO TAKE SUCH A HARD LEFT BUT HOW DO YOU THINK JO FOUND OUT ARAKAWA WAS DEAD
IM GOING TO SCREAM IF I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOOOOO I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU IN 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS WITH THAT ONE............
#snap chats#id shit and cry if aoki was the one that told him in a condescending/bitchy way yk what i mean#like as if to jab at jo like 'oh dont worry about dealing with dad- since you were too incompetent to do it i had someone else handle it'#not that word for word im SURE but yk what i mean. just GENERALLY thats the energy#the timing of this ask is soooo funny i was just talkin to my twit friend bout arasawa#and how youve been inspiring me to draw it more again as of late and this is NOT helping !!!! i am ADDING IT to my LIST#cause i want to be in pain i guess (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ`) I JUST SEE IT SO CLEARLY IN MY HEAD EGUUUGHH#im still gonna chew on the idea of How tho im still gonna chew on it cause i have other stuff lined up Obvi but..... OUGH PAIN...#verrrrry awkward when i post a thing in liek an hour cause that shit gon be a lil cute so then i just got this in the back of my dome ☠️☠️#thank you........#throwing up as i remember aoki being like 'you're acting strange lately' brb#OUUGHHGH dying.#LIKE IM JUST THINKIG OF ALL THE EMOTIONS JO WOULDVE BEEN FEELING- /ESP/ IF HE WAS IN FRONT OF AOKI#how would he even cope... i mean judging by the eye scene Not Well butu OUUGHvLKJVALKJ#ITS THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS AGAIN CAUSE LIKE he SHOUULDNT care as much as he does right...#arakawa was just his boss... but if THAT was the case why not take him out when jo was first asked too.....#aoki is his priority in life right...... arakawa wasn't supposed to be anyone important BUT THEN HE DID BECOME IMPORTANT#making myself throw up#anyway this is why jo shouldve been allowed to rip tendo to shreds. in my humble opinion. <- sobbing#NAWWW IT THE WAY I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH MY SIS RIGHT AFTER THIS WELKFJALFKJLKVJ#I CANT BE NORMALLLLL
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perhaps nothing better represents the feelings of isolation I’ve been experiencing lately while trying to stay connected or make new connections with people online than logging onto tumblr to find a notification for a new message, feeling approximately 3 seconds of joy and excitement before I open the message and it turns out to be from a pornbot
#that post that’s like ‘I can’t write a poem about this it’s already a poem you get it’#except it’s this and it’s me going ‘I can’t write a joke or a critique of this the situation clowns itself’#like….. man I am so tired of this current iteration of the internet#I try to post my photography to insta and it reaches maybe like 10 people who already have me on a close friends list#doesn’t matter what I hashtag it with those are the only people who will see it#Instagram immediately jumps to tell me I should make my content into a reel! or have I considered putting music over a random photo#Just so I can jumpscare everyone if they happen to click the photo#If I really want eyes on it I’ve got to repost it to stories and then it will only get interaction if people click through which they wont#you post stuff here and nobody likes or reblogs anything anyway#as the site becomes more and more unusable to a bigger percentage of people#but don’t worry you will have to block three people name sugar-baby-moon34 per day#all this technology at our disposal and all we’ve done with it is make it so we feel constantly surveilled and judged#without ever really feeling more connected to one another#AND IM TIRED OF IT
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humans are so silly with all our little codes
#it's so funny when u can tell when someone is asking a seemingly innocuous question when in reality it is a test to see how you respond#either they're testing to see if ur answer aligns with their morals#or they simply want you to have the same opinion as them/to not judge them for their opinion#text post brought to you today by my friend who asked me very shyly what i thought about izzy in ofmd s2#i was like my guy ik this is a loaded question for u!! but i will entertain the game nonetheless!!#cuips talking#i love people
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not to be dramatic but I literally feel like I’m going insane lol
#first of all I must acknowledge the percy of it all. I don’t know how many of you are reading those posts and honestly I’m not conveying#how I feel very well but I’m so deadly serious when I say I feel sick when I think about those books and not even in a bad way necessarily#just nauseous whatever. second most pressing issue is the whole “am I going to drop out transfer suck it up or kill myself”#okay I’m really not considering that last one I have to live to see dani in july but I haven’t the slightest clue what I’m gonna do next#year. on one hand I hope this school explodes on the other transferring sounds so unfun but back to the first hand I hate this city#and I hope it explodes to and I have nobody I know to live with off campus next year and tbh I would rather die than live w sarah suitemate#which brings us to sarah suitemate. how in the hell is my only friend in this god forsaken city like kind of subtly homophobic#In addition to kind of being a bad fucking person. like lol! yes ladies six months deep with no other friends and I Am that desperate#also it’s the very beginning of the quarter and I kind of hate all my classes. okay I know they just started and it’s very early to judge#but I already feel like I’m going crazy I preferred my other two quarters where I was eating literally 12 credits I was satisfied with that#I’m just scared and lonely can I say that outright is it embarrassing to admit that outright at 11am on tumblr#the only thing that gives me comfort genuinely is just repeating that “everything works out in the end” saying bc I really do believe that#even though I hope my closest friend within a reasonable radius of me drops dead and I’m directionless and I want to kill myself#whenever I think about the book I’m reading it will all be okay#anyways time to eat the pastry I got from the campus market is not a good time to tell you guys I didn’t eat breakfast or could you tell#carmen.txt
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