#only recently realize that i’m on the aro spectrum and it’s been. weird

[jackpotsadmon]

bro i just want to love men wtf

[asexual-society]

Hi I’ve been unsure of what to call this? I’m not sure if this is alloromantic or aromantic, and I’m really confused on just everything. If this makes you uncomfortable or you don’t want to reply feel free to delete. I’m just not sure who to talk to about this as all my close people are allo.

I’ve realized recently, after also realizing recently I’m ace, that my romantic experiences are different than my peers. I’m in my late 20’s and I’ve only felt genuine romantic attraction once in my life, and it’s with my current partner. Usually the feelings leave, I feel trapped in a relationship, I panic and then move on bc it makes me almost uncomfortable? But not with my partner rn.

I enjoy being with my partner and dating them and I’m in love! And it’s weird bc this is a first for me, but I think I may be on the aro spectrum? I’ve always wanted and dreamed of romance for myself but other than my partner, it would send me running and would cause me to feel feel sick, uncomfortable, and I’d try to find a way out. I’ve been looking at different identities and some fit, some don’t, I see that I have a lot of aromantic experiences that others share, but not one fits?

I’m always left stumped bc I’m not sure if I can call myself arospec if I’m in a relationship and enjoying it, even if it’s the only time and first time I’ve experienced actual romantic attraction. Past relationships or the thought of them seemed nice in theory, but in reality I’d have full on panic attacks sometimes to the point of getting sick. I notice I even still often get repulsed by pda, but fine with it with me and my partner. Seeing it in movies, irl, just makes me so uneasy I have to look away.

And it’s been like that ever since I can remember. I honestly rarely feel attraction and the first time I have is in my late 20’s so I’m just confused and honestly scared even tho I’m genuinely happy. Could I identify as aspec? Like is that something I can identify as even if I’m in a relationship rn? I’m just now learning of these terms now at my age and just didn’t know that was something I could identify as, or if I can. If there’s anything hurtful or offensive I’ve said I am sincerely sorry and that’s not my intention at all, please correct me if I’ve said anything ignorant or offensive.

Also I’m so sorry this was so long!!

Hey! Don't worry, this wasn't offensive at all you're okay. It certainly sounds like you could be on the aromantic spectrum if you've only experienced romantic attraction once by your late 20s.

A lot of the feelings of anxiety to do with romantic relationships are honestly really relatable, I'm aromantic and I completely feel like that about the idea of dating or being in a relationship, and seeing or hearing about PDA. I'm about to throw a whole bunch of labels at you now but you don't need to take any or all of this in right away, it can be a bit overwhelming, so take your time, there's no rush.

You could use the label greyromantic, which essentially means that you experience romantic attraction extremely rarely, which it sounds like is the case for you, or possibly lithromantic, if you find you sometimes have romantic feelings but they fade once you act on them. Thinking back to when you first fell for your current partner, would you say you were extremely emotionally close with them beforehand? If so you might be demiromantic, or if you feel like multiple labels fit, but not entirely or all the time you could try aroflux, where your romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum changes while still being on that spectrum. You could call yourself angled aroace if you are on both the aro and ace spectrums but still experience some attraction (in this case it would be to your partner).

You don't need to use a hyperspecific label if you don't want to, or can't find one that entirely fits, arospec or aspec are both good umbrella terms you might prefer, or even just aro (or aroace). If you feel comfortable using the label queer you are more than welcome to it too.

While I'm here, regardless of where you fall on the aro spectrum, from what you've said it definitely sounds like you're romance repulsed. This is common among aromantic people, but you don't have to be aro to be romance repulsed, and many aros aren't romance repulsed. You also don't have to be repulsed by every aspect of romance in order to use that label, if you're comfortable with it in certain situations, but repulsed to the point of panic attacks, or just feel uncomfortable seeing PDA or kissing on TV, that still counts.

I really hope this helps you, feel free to send another ask if you need :)

- mod key

[libraryleopard]

not tryna be rude but educate

as an allo you can still care about aces and aros

it's not a case of "this resonates with aspects" but "he literally described being ace, it was canon"

shatterstar says he had never experienced any form of attraction until he went to the club in #43, which puts him on both the ace and aro spectrums

he goes on to say he doesn't have the emotional ability for sexual attraction

it wasn't a headcanon, it was basically canon

he can still be ace and aro-spec and bi which is why I suggest ace demibiro shatterstar

Hi, sorry it took me such a while to answer your question, there’s more under the cut.

Hm…I think we may have different interpretations of that scene and of Shatterstar's sexuality? I see Shatterstar as someone who has a complicated relationship to sex and romance that has been rather ignored or eroded by later writers, but I'm not sure I see him as being written as canonically asexual during that time period in comics just because of how his upbringing caused him to believe he had no emotions, including sexual or romantic ones. The way I see it, Shatterstar in X-Force is a teenager who has come from a place where any kind of love is discouraged–familial, platonic, romantic, or sexual–and he’s been told he is a living weapon who should care only about his fighting skills. (I think his conversation with Warpath in X-Force 26, I think, sums up his earlier viewpoint pretty clearly.) His time in X-Force is when he unlearns a lot of the emotional brainwashing from Mojoworld by becoming part of a team, learning to care about others, and realizing he has romantic feelings for Rictor. I think this response by an aspec fan about Shatterstar’s sexuality in relation to his upbringing, being coded as autistic, and being written by different writers sums it up much better than I could. 

I do agree with you that more generally I have not enjoyed the way writers have handled Shatterstar’s sexuality and relationships–Peter David making him this really promiscuous person who sleeps around and kisses random people felt out of character to me and Tim Seeley retconning his earlier relationship with Gringrave into existence personally made no sense to me. 

I feel kind of bad disagreeing with you over this because 1) I think ace/aro representation is important and 2) Marvel has certainly not always handled their queer characters that well and I’m not trying to defend them as a paragon of representation or anything, I just don’t necessarily think this was a case of a canon aro/ace character’s sexuality being mishandled. And like I said earlier, I still do like the headcanon that Shatterstar is demi.

Normally the way that I personally deal with frustration surrounding the treatment of queer characters in franchise-owned media is by going and supporting other media by independent creators who are more likely to handle queer representation better than a corporation. I don’t know if this is helpful for you at all, but I was compiling a list of science fiction and fantasy books with ace and/or aro representation for a friend who mentioned they were looking for some, so I guess I’ll drop it here in case you find that helpful? (If not, feel free to ignore me, I would just feel weird disagreeing with you but saying ace/aro representation is important without elaborating.)

Books I’ve read and would recommend:

The Spy With the Red Balloon by Katherine Locke is a book about queer Jewish magicians during WWII and one of the narrators is a gay, demisexual guy (it's historical fiction so those words aren't used, but he pretty clears describes himself as not being attracted to anyone except his male childhood friend). It's not very X-Men, but it does have kind of a superhero vibe in that it reminds me a bit of the Captain America movies.

Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger is a cool urban fantasy murder mystery I read recently and the protagonist is an aromantic asexual Native American girl. 

The Perfect Assassin by K.A. Doore is an adult fantasy book is about a guy from a family of assassins who just kind of wants to be an archivist instead but gets caught up in a murder mystery. The protagonist is gay and asexual.

Beneath the Citadel by Destiny Soria is a young adult fantasy novel–there's a couple protagonists because it's an ensemble cast, but one of them is an aromantic asexual girl. It's very "teenage rebels" which might generally appeal to a fan of X-Force, IDK?

Scavenge the Stars by Tara Sim is a young adult fantasy book about a girl on a revenge quest who gets caught up in a world of crime and secrets, the protagonist is a demisexual girl (heteroromantic, I think?). I enjoy the protagonist’s arc of “I'm only supposed to care about knives and revenge but aw fuck I’ve caught feelings for this guy whose father ruined my life.” Also, her best friend is an aroace guy.

Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand is a creepy urban fantasy book about cults and monsters, it has a couple main characters, but one of them is an asexual girl who has a subplot figuring out her relationship with her boyfriend after she realized she doesn't care about sex.

Other books with ace and/or aro-spectrum representation that I haven't read but have heard good things about:

Cute Mutants by S.J. Whitby (young adult superhero/sci fi book with a questioning panromantic asexual lead, also apparently has really strong X-Men vibes so probably the most relevant in terms of wanting a similar story/genre)

The Butterfly Assassin by Finn Longman (upcoming young adult thriller with an ace lesbian lead, scheduled for release in 2022, apparently it has a similar unlearning-your-upbringing-as-a-human-weapon character arc that a Shatterstar fan might like)

Firebreak by Nicole Kornher-Stace (adult sci fi with genetically engineered super soldiers that similarly maybe could appeal to Shatterstar fans, aromantic asexual protagonist)

The Wolf Among the Wild Hunt by Merc Fen Wolfmoor (adult fantasy novella with aroace characters)

Fourth World by Lyssa Chiavari (young adult sci fi with asexual + demisexual protagonists)

Tarnished Are the Stars by Rosiee Thor (young adult sci fi with aromantic asexual protagonist)

The Sound of Stars by Alechia Dow (young adult sci fi, biromantic demisexual protagonist)

The Art of Saving the World by Corinne Duyvis (young adult sci fi with a questioning ace lesbian protagonist)

Beyond the Black Door by A.M. Strickland (young adult fantasy with a demibiromantic asexual protagonist)

Not Your Backup by C.B. Lee (young adult sci fi w/ superheroes, third in a series, questioning aromantic asexual protagonist)

This Golden Flame by Emily Victoria (young adult fantasy with an aromantic asexual protagonist)

Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson (young adult fantasy, aromantic asexual protagonist though it’s apparently somewhat subtle and will be elaborated on in the sequel)

What We Devour by Linsey Miller (young adult fantasy with a biromantic asexual protagonist)

Belle Revolte by Linsey Miller (young adult fantasy, biromantic asexual protagonist)

Green Rising by Lauren James (young adult sci fi, one of the three central characters is aromantic and asexual)

Now Entering Addamsville by Francesca Zappia (young adult urban fantasy, asexual protagonist)

The Grimrose Girls by Laura Pohl (young adult fantasy, one of the 4 protagonists is aroace)

The Last 8 by Laura Pohl (young adult sci fi, aromantic bisexual protagonist)

Archivist Wasp by Nicole Kornher-Stace (adult fantasy/dystopian with an aromantic asexual protagonist)

The First Sister by Linden A. Lewis (adult sci fi, I believe that of the several main characters one is panromantic and asexual)

Little Black Bird by Anna Kirchner (young adult fantasy, questioning asexual character protagonist and love interest)

[bluejayblueskies]

philautia

n. a love based on deep connection to one’s well-being and built upon a love for one’s self; a centered wholeness

Words: 2.3k

Fandom: The Magnus Archives

Relationship: Sasha James & Tim Stoker & Martin Blackwood & Jonathan Sims, Past Tim Stoker/Sasha James, Minor Jonathan Sims/Martin Blackwood

Characters: Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood, Jonathan Sims, Sasha James

Additional Tags: AU - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff and Humor, Statement Fic (but not in the way you expect!), Aromantic and Asexual Characters, Implied/Referenced Homophobia (very minor), Implied/Referenced Arophobia (also very minor)

Summary:

SASHA

So, according to Tim, I’m supposed to be recording a statement on, quote, my “most swashbucklingest experience as an esteemed member of the LGBT community.” He left this recorder on my desk and stole my scone. Timothy Stoker, I will not forget that.

---

Statements of members of the archival staff at the Magnus Institute, London, regarding certain facets of their aspec identities. Statements compiled by Timothy Stoker on 10th June, 2016. For personal use only.

Ao3 link in reblogs

Or read below:

[CLICK]

 MARTIN

 —really don’t think this is necessary—

 TIM

 Aaaaand we’re recording!

 MARTIN

 (exasperated) Tim.

 TIM

 Oh, come on Martin, it’s more fun this way!

 [MARTIN MAKES A NOISE OF DISAGREEMENT]

 TIM

 You cannot look me in the eye and tell me that this doesn’t appeal to your, and I quote, ��retro aesthetic.”

 MARTIN

 (reluctantly) It… might.

 TIM

 See! So it’s perfect!

 …

 [HE SIGHS]

 Obviously you don’t have to if you don’t want to, Martin. I just thought it might be nice—to have something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other, you know? Here, I can go first.

 MARTIN

 Tim, you don’t have to—

 TIM

 (overlapping, adopting the ‘Archivist’ voice) Statement of Timothy Stoker, regarding the first time he went to Pride with his brother, Danny. June 10th, 2016.

 (cheekily) Statement begins.

 TIM (STATEMENT)

 (in his normal voice) I realized I was into blokes too when I was 15, you know. Think it took me a while because of the whole ace thing, though that took me until I was in uni to really figure out. I was still fine with sex, you know, always enjoyed it when it came up, just… never really wanted it with anyone in particular. So I suppose I’d assumed for a while that the things I was feeling toward other guys weren’t romantic because I never had the sexual parts to go along with them. (with wry humor) Almost ruined a few relationships that way, actually.

 But I’m getting a bit off-topic. Can’t be one of those rambling statement givers Jon hates. God, I can see his face now, that thing he does with his nose—Martin, you know the one, the- the way it looks like he’s just smelled something really, really rank.

 MARTIN

 I thought you said you weren’t going to ramble.

 TIM

 Cheeky, cheeky. Okay, where was I. Right.

 TIM (STATEMENT)

 Mom and Dad weren’t real big on the whole bi thing, so the first time I got the chance to go to Pride was in uni. The first time I got the chance to go with Danny was after he turned 18 and got his first modeling gig. At least, I think he was already modeling back then. Point is, we were both out of the house, and Danny had been dying to go to Pride with me ever since I sent him pictures of me and Sasha eating an entire box of rainbow-colored donuts that first year. I’d figured out I was ace by then, but it had been pretty recent, so when we got there, I found one of the vendors selling those big flags you drape over your shoulders and got an ace one. Felt a bit weird having the ace flag instead of the bi one like the other years, but I had worn that pink, blue, and purple button-down Sasha got me for Christmas once, so overall, it felt all right.

 And Danny—god, he loved it. Pretty sure he ate his weight in fried food that day.

 [HE LAUGHS]

 Almost got the aro flag he’d borrowed from Sasha dirty, actually, when he—

 (quickly changes course) Ah, nothing! Sasha, if you’re listening to this, absolutely nothing happened to your flag, and I definitely did not have it laundered before I returned it to you.

 TIM

 Aaaaand that’s it! Statement ends, I guess.

 See—easy! (a bit more seriously) But really—you don’t have to record one if you don’t want to, Martin.

 MARTIN

 …

 No, I- I want to.

 TIM

 Are you sure? I don’t want you to do that thing where you just do something because you think someone else wants you to.

 MARTIN

 I do not—!

 …

 Okay, okay, fine. Point taken. But yeah, I- I’m sure.

 [RUSTLING AS THE TAPE RECORDER IS PASSED FROM TIM TO MARTIN]

 MARTIN

 (with an audible smile) Statement of, er, Martin Blackwood. Regarding… a crush. No, no, wait—god, that sounds so juvenile. Regarding himself, and a person who- er, someone whom he—

 [HE SIGHS]

 Fine. Regarding a crush. Statement given June 10th, 2016.

 Statement begins.

 MARTIN (STATEMENT)

 I’m always a little embarrassed to tell people that I’ve never dated anyone before? Okay, a- a lot embarrassed, actually. I try not to bring it up, but people will say things like, oh, you know how it is to shop for a partner or meeting her parents is definitely nerve-wracking—which is wrong on, er, two accounts, actually—and then I feel more awkward not telling them that I don’t know, actually, because I’ve never been in a relationship longer than a week or so. Then, they’ll get all sympathetic, like it’s some- some tragedy that I’m not involved with someone, and that’s worse, because then they’ll offer to set me up with people, or say that they don’t understand why I’m single because I’m a catch or whatever, and I have to give them some excuse about not interested at the moment.

 It’s not that, not really. Dates with strangers, they- they just never work out for me.

 I think I fall somewhere on the aromantic spectrum? I didn’t think about it much until Sasha mentioned it once over drinks—I think you were there, Tim, although you were (laughs) very drunk by that point. I told her I hadn’t had a crush on anyone since sixth form, and she threw around a bunch of terms. I- I honestly don’t really remember, it was kind of overwhelming and (laughs) I was also pretty drunk as well. But yeah, it… it sounds about right.

 (hesitantly, as if bracing himself for impact) So… this person. Who I, er. Recently, that is, who I…

 [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

 It’s really strange, that’s all. And a- a lot. I—heh—I don’t really know what to do about it.

 MARTIN

…

 Uh, statement ends? I guess? I, uh, don’t really have anything else to say. (jokingly) It’s not like there’s any, er, follow-up or whatever. (to Tim) Was- was that okay?

 TIM

 (audibly smiling) Yup! Most excellent, Marto. (more seriously) You felt okay, right?

 MARTIN

 (huh) Yeah. Yeah, I- I did. A bit nice, actually. (quickly) As- as long as this stays in the archives, though. It… it is staying in the archives, right?

 TIM

 Oh, definitely. Right next to the section on love potions, I think.

 MARTIN

 Tim!

 TIM

 (laughs) Yes, Martin, it’s staying in the archives. Pinkie promise. Just you, me, Sasha, and Jon. (in the tone of a man who knows a great secret and wants nothing more than to share it) Speaking of Jon—

 MARTIN

 (quickly) Uh, recording ends!

 TIM

 (undeterred) —is he the—?

 [CLICK]

.

 [CLICK]

 SASHA

 Right. So, according to Tim, I’m supposed to be recording a statement on, quote, my “most swashbucklingest experience as an esteemed member of the LGBT community.” He left this recorder on my desk and stole my scone. Timothy Stoker, I will not forget that. It was white chocolate raspberry, and I’m stealing the money it cost out of your wallet.

 …

 Anyway.

[SHE CLEARS HER THROAT]

 Statement of Sasha James, given 10th June 2016. Subject of statement is… hmm. Let’s say… (laughs) A brief relationship with one Timothy Stoker.

 Statement begins.

 SASHA (STATEMENT)

 Tim, I know you’re listening to this, and I just want to preface this by saying that yes, it was Italian that we had for dinner that night, not Greek. You’re thinking of a different friendship-turned-hookup-turned-awkward-aftermath-turned-friendship.

 [SHE LAUGHS QUIETLY]

 Anyway, I guess the best place to begin with this whole thing is by saying that I’ve known I was aro since I was 16 and that I’ve never been very good at talking about it. I’ve ended plenty of tried and failed relationships with the it’s-not-you-it’s-me talk because I didn’t know how to explain that I just… wasn’t interested in romance.

 I wanted to explain it to you beforehand, Tim, I really, really did. We’ve had this conversation, I know I know—I won’t rehash it over tape.

 [SHE SIGHS]

 But the important thing is that I like you so, so much, and—god, this is stupid—I guess maybe I thought that it wouldn’t matter with you? That you could like me romantically and I could like you platonically and it would be fine. Like I said, stupid, but you asked me out to that Italian place—yes, Italian, for god’s sake, I had the chicken parm and you had some sort of lasagna abomination—and I just… couldn’t say no. And it was nice, really. I had a lot of fun.

 And then we slept together. And… that was really nice. But then, the next morning, the… the guilt set in. Because I felt the same as I always had about you—which is to say that I loved you, just not in the same way you loved me—and I became convinced that I’d gone and ruined the whole thing.

 Ignoring you for a week was probably not the correct response. (quieter) Yeah, definitely not my finest moment. But I’d gotten it in my head that the moment I told you that I didn’t feel that way about you and that I would never feel that way about you—or about anyone—you’d hate me. And you don’t have to say that you’d never hate me—I know you wouldn’t. I think I knew it then, too. But fear is a powerful thing.

 …

 Anyway, you know how it all turned out. You finally dragged me out to coffee and I finally told you why I’d been avoiding you and it was really, really awkward for about a month after that and then it just… wasn’t anymore. (audibly smiling) And you’re still my best friend, Tim. Even if you did steal my scone.

 [THE SOUND OF PAPERS RUSTLING AND A CHAIR ROLLING BACKWARD]

 Recording ends.

 [CLICK]

 .

 [CLICK]

 ARCHIVIST

 Statement of Kyle Henning, regarding a strange mushroom he found growing in his garden. Original statement given April 15th, 2011. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

 Statement begi—

 [DOOR OPENS]

 TIM

 Hey boss! Got a moment?

 ARCHIVIST

 (irritated) Tim, please at least knock when the door to my office is closed. I was just about to record a statement.

 TIM

 (unbothered) So if you were about to, that means you’re not recording one right now, which means you do have a moment.

 ARCHIVIST

 (flatly) Shut the door on your way out, Tim.

 TIM

 (brightly) Right you are, boss! Juuuust going to leave this here on your desk. Bring it back whenever you’re done!

 [PAPERS RUSTLE AS SOMETHING IS PLACED ON THE DESK]

 ARCHIVIST

 (dryly) I’m fairly certain that I’m the one who assigns you tasks to complete, Tim.

 TIM

 That you do! I guess I better get back to them then. Have fun!

 ARCHIVIST

 (firmly) Tim—

 [DOOR CLOSES]

 [HE SIGHS]

 ARCHIVIST

 Right. Well, given that this recording is essentially useless now and I hadn’t even gotten to the statement, I may as well start over. (mutters under his breath) Bloody waste of tape and my time—

 [CLICK]

 .

 [CLICK]

 [PAPERS RUSTLE. FOR A MOMENT, THERE IS ONLY THE SOUND OF BREATHING. THEN, JON SIGHS.]

 ARCHIVIST

 Before I begin, I would like to make it very clear that this is not an appropriate use of working hours or the tape recorders, which should be used for statements that won’t record digitally as per Elias’s request.

 …

 That being said, I am… not entirely opposed to this project. So, I suppose…

 [HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

 Statement of Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London, regarding… regarding a black ring worn on the middle finger of his right hand. Statement recorded by subject, June 10th, 2016.

 Statement begins.

 ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)

 I’ve often been told that I am not a very open person. I don’t necessarily intend to be closed-off, but I’ve also never found the need to disclose every aspect of my personal life to everyone I come into contact with. And yes, Tim—because I trust that you and you alone will be listening to this tape—that is a perfectly respectable way to live one’s life. Not everyone needs to know what I ate for breakfast that morning or who my favorite primary school teacher was.

 …

 I… will admit, though, that in certain circumstances, I… could probably stand to be more transparent regarding aspects of my personal life. Perhaps that’s why Georgie bought me the ring.

 It wasn’t a special occasion. She just brought it back from the shop one day, a few weeks after a… particularly illuminating conversation about certain sexual identities, and dropped it atop my copy of Wuthering Heights. Honestly, I had no idea what it was at first. I- (heh) I tried to make a joke about unorthodox proposals, but I- I don’t really think it landed. Georgie just looked at me and said that she’d seen it on one of the online forums, that it was called an ace ring, and that she thought I might like it. I think I was more surprised about the fact that the ring fit perfectly than at the fact that she’d bought me the ring in the first place.

 So I wore it. And it felt… nice. Understand, I don’t keep quiet about my romantic and sexual identities out of shame or embarrassment or indecision; I simply don’t feel the need to announce them at any given moment. So I’ve always been fond of small things—pins and stickers and such—that I can incorporate into my life, insignificant enough that they aren’t readily apparent to anyone but me, as they’re for me more than for anyone else. My ring is one such thing.

 [THERE IS A MOMENT OF SILENCE. MORE WORDS SIT IN THE AIR, WAITING. EVENTUALLY, HOWEVER, HE SIGHS, AND THE WORDS REMAIN UNSAID.]

 ARCHIVIST

 Statement ends.

 …

 Right.

 (with something that might be a smile) As for your other request, I do have a prior engagement with Georgie and Melanie this weekend. Though if you’re willing to accommodate two more, I’m sure they wouldn’t be opposed to coming along. Georgie’s always telling me that Pride is more fun when you’re with a group, after all.

 End recording.

 [CLICK]

[secretlyamess]

Hi, so, um I’m typing this in the notes app cause it’s just going to be easier for me to get my thoughts out this way and cause I have no idea how long this will actually be. But I’ve been doing some research for the past month on and off into aromanticism and the various identities under the aro umbrella. It was definitely frustrating to say the least because when 80% of the sources you find are telling you you’re only aro if you’re 100% romance repulsed and then 20% are telling you it’s a spectrum, you end up more confused than you did before. And if you know me then you know I definitely don’t like feeling lost. So it was tiring.

But the research allowed me to reflect on where I stand when it comes to what I want in life and how I feel about certain things. Yeah, I’ve had romantic relationships before (the longest lasting 6 months) but honestly, I haven’t really cared about the idea of dating. Looking back, especially on the two while I was in middle school, I realized the relationships were definitely because I felt like I had to do it in order to “fit in.” Because I thought that was the only way to be “in” with my friends. Sure, I may have liked the guy I dated, but I don’t think it was anything more than a platonic type of love I mistook for romantic. And the same thing can be said about my most recent one that was brief 😅. Lately, I’ve just adopted an indifference to romantic relationships: if it happens, so be it; if not, that’s fine by me too.

I’ve never really been one to want to get married, and honestly I thought that was just due to trauma and not wanting to be “tied down.” I just want a job that I enjoy, a place of my own, freedom, and as many dogs as I can possibly care for. And for so long, I’ve always been told “You’ll change your mind when you get older.” I’m 22 now and I’ve been saying I don’t want to get married since I was at least 12. Am I old enough yet? Or do I need to wait until I’m 30 to make that call?

So I guess what I’m trying to say is (and it’s weird how I feel more comfortable sharing this with “strangers” online than I do sharing it with my own mom, brother, and stepfather), I’m aromantic. I’m not sure where on the spectrum I am, but I’m going to use aromantic until I find a phrase that better fits me or because that’s the easiest way to explain how I feel. 😅

[creations-of-a-certain-no-one]

Ace Week, prompt 1

I decided to make at least some of the Asexual Awareness Week’s prompts. Mostly the personal ones probably, so expect a lot of ace rambling on main.

Reflect on your personal history of identifying under the asexual umbrella. When and how did you know you were ace and find the words to describe your place under that umbrella? What was it like for you before you realized you were ace? How has your self-acceptance evolved over time? (Link to propmts in the source.)

I found out the concept in high school and that was quite long ago. At that time asexuality was still described with A-D types that covered some of the aromantic spectrum before even split attraction model started taking off. So yeah, i’m kind of one of those examples that no, you don’t just grow out of asexuality. I can’t be really labelled a late bloomer of something if I’ve been identifying as asexual for over 10 years now.

At those ancient times aces still were using card symbolics, so I stitched an card - ace of spades - to my bag. No one knew why, obviously. And whne I started explaining, I quickly realised that people generally don’t want aces around. Weird thing though, as long as I was ewww about sex and romance without using the word, everyone just left me to my ace devices, respectfully accepting that this person is eww about this stuff.

At the times I started identifying as ace and not long after only the first sub-labels started emerging and I stopped trying to figure it out in detail before most of the more recent identities were named. Functionally it matters only that I’m aro ace, and some tiny flavours that’d take an hour to explain and generally can be summed up to “I dont even know if I interpreted it correctly” so they don’t really change the main fact that I live my life as an aro ace and can live with some very very marginal inaccuracy of that label.

Before I found out about asexuality, I was mixing up crushes and squishes a lot. As a lonely autistic kid I was starving for some friendships so every time it was intense and I thought it must have been love. Aka romantic & sexual attraction. Well, it wasn’t. There were times that I found out in a very painful way that it wasn’t, after getting myself into situations I didn’t want just as intensely as I wanted to get close to that person. Before and after admitting that I’m ace - because the spade part came later. As it often happens when you’re a teen, I thought I got it when I didn’t.

In the end, I just ended up feeding my internalised feeling of social inaccuracy and missing out something precious by consuming a lot of romance fiction. Yes, hello there, otome fandom. But it doesn’t work for asexuality as fandoms are very... well, forceful on pushing the allonormativity. And my head is very receptive to every possible way to mess it up, unfortunately.

It’s not that I don’t accept myself. I absolutely do, I am very loudly affirming asexual, I just... have difficult time sticking to my boundaries.

And basically the louder the internalised acephobia screams, the louder I have to affirm.

[askanaroace]

[screenshots of a tumblr post: @multishipper-baby asked: Hey, I have a question! Can I identify as a bi aroace if I'm gray-romantic? I know it's still in the aro spectrum, but I don't want to make other aroaces uncomfortable and use a label that's not mine

/end ask

@biaroace answered:I’ll start off by saying that I cannot control what you or anyone else calls themselves. However, I will say that I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with someone aro/ace-spec [a-spec for short] using “bi aroace” for the sake of brevity alone (and this goes for any other flavor of oriented aroace). 

“Why? Ace-spec people call themselves ace all the time. How is this any different?” That’s because the dynamics of the ace community are very different: asexuals are prioritized within their own orientation. They don’t have to fight to be recognized within their own label. They don’t have to question whether a post employing the term “asexual” includes them or not. They aren’t hesitantly listed off fifth in a list of possible definitions at best and outright excluded at worst whenever someone asks “what’s an asexual?”. Rather, those were the plights of a-spec people. 

I believe that’s the very reason a-specs made their own terms, and adopted the terms of the dominant majority (aro/ace) as shorthand. It’s perfectly justifiable! It’s admirable, even! But to transfer this practice onto oriented aroace labels would be a grave mistake, because as of now, we hold nowhere near the influential power aces and aros hold within their own communities. If anything, it is a-specs who are prioritized over us. A-specs who are taken as being the more “acceptable” meaning of bi aroace (as opposed to us weird oriented aroace heathens with our ~non-romantic/sexual unspecified attraction~). A-specs who are the face of our very orientation despite employing it as a mere shorthand. You’re not sticking it to the big man by claiming “bi aroace” as an a-spec person. You’re repeating exactly what was done to you. In order to help us be rid of this dynamic, I encourage you to leave “bi aroace” to oriented aroaces and instead use the equally cool alternate shorthands provided by your very own aro/ace-spec communities. For instance, bi-grayro ace could act as a neat shorthand for you (plus it’s got the same amount of syllables!) :>

Finally, I’d like to thank you for having taken the time to send this message. Your mindfulness as an ally is greatly appreciated, and I hope my response cleared things up!!

/end answer

@babyferrettails reblogs with: Yes! I’m sick of people saying that someone who uses an “orientation+aroace” term to describe themselves are probably grayace or grayro. It completely undermines oriented aroaces which is unfortunately the norm in the community already. @biaroace I’m glad you took the time to type this up it explains it really well!

/end reblog

@aceexplorations reblogs with: So I️ understand where you peeps are coming from. I️ really do. But as someone who would like to identify as a lesbian aroace but can only get up the courage to identify as an aroace who desires a long term relationship but only with other women, I️ really don’t mind people who are aro/asespec identifying as a label-aroace.My reason is this: At the moment you never hear of ANYONE identifying as label-aroace and as a result anytime anyone does people, all people, question how that is possible. The more people use the label the faster others will get used to hearing it. And as long as people remember to include an explanation for how someone who is aroace and not aroacespec can be label-aroace I️ think getting people more familiar with the label can only help.Plus, I️ don’t believe in telling somebody how they should or should not identify. They should do whatever makes them feel the most comfortable.

/end caption]

Yeah... I'm actually incredibly uncomfortable with this push to limit who can identify how, especially in this context. I’m tagging @multishipper-baby to make sure he can see multiple perspectives on this, and thank you @aceexplorations for speaking up as well.

For one, the orientation+aroace format was something people were using before "oriented aroace" came about, and there are still people who identify this way who do not specifically identify as an oriented aroace. It'd be one thing if it was a natural progression of the term changing to mean something more specifically, but forcefully trying to push people out of a term that has been open to them before "oriented aroace" became a named, defined thing does not at all sit well with me.

For two, there are many reasons - all extremely valid - why some choose to verbally identify, identify only as, or in many cases shorten to aro/ace when they are aspec. For example, can be easier than getting into an even more detailed explanation and so plain exhaust them less. It could even mean that they feel more comfortable setting boundaries in not having to discuss personal matters that may make them uncomfortable. We've long been pushing that aromantic and asexual can absolutely be umbrella terms and that you don't have to identify as aspec or some certain aspec term if you don't want, aren't comfortable with, don't prefer, or are unsure where you otherwise stand. To limit that now after we've worked really hard to make these terms open and welcoming to folk who are constantly wondering if they belong... I can't tell you how many times I've seen demia folk asking if they're welcome in the community, and graya in particular was hit extremely violently by exclusionism (at one point, basically dying out as a known label and only recently being talked about again).

For three, it’s long been the tagline of the queer community (perhaps particularly for nonbinary and aspec people, but I am currently most involved in those communities) that labels are, first and foremost, for ourselves. Do we feel a connection to labeling a certain way, even if it’s merging or stringing together multiple terms? Does it help us communicate how we feel? Does it bring us a sense of relief to use the term? Then we should use it (excluding instances of cultural appropriation or other harmful actions)! I am not seeing a reason here why it harms either oriented aroaces or non-oriented aroace orientation+aroaces to both be using the format orientation+aroace.

Finally... I'm sorry, I'm just not at all understanding the point of limiting who can identify as an orientation+aroace. When we're creating strict and limiting turns, we have to ask ourselves: why? What purpose is this serving? Does it help more people than it hurts? Is it unnecessarily leaving people out/making people feel unwelcome and/or invalid?

Honestly, I understand the argument so little, I can’t even make a point against it, nor figure out what the heck question I should be asking. The aspec spectrums simply do not exist in some sort of hierarchy as you are implying. Some folk may have more visibility than others (due to the size of the community, how long they’ve been pushing for education - not due to a particular in community effort to maliciously destabilize ourselves), and it’s true that right now there’s a lot of valid discussions going on about how people need to be careful with their words (stop saying aromantic when you mean asexual), but nobody was gatekeeping orientation+aroace until these ideas on your blog started coming up.

I saw someone trying to argue that they wanted oriented aroace to have full ownership over orientation+aroace because they wanted it to be immediately clear to people that they were specifically aroace and not graya, to which, I’m sorry, but I have to call bullshit. Orientation labels honestly say very little about us and the true complexities of our feelings, and they work well that way!

For example, someone who identifies as bi may be someone: with a strong preference for one gender over another, someone who’s only attracted to a specific amount of genders, someone who’s attracted to multiple genders but may not even include one of the expected binary genders, someone with no discernable preference for one gender over another, someone who’s attracted to all genders but considers gender an important component of their attraction, etc. Someone saying they’re bi doesn’t tell you anything beyond the fact that they’re attracted to two or more genders!

Aro and ace have long been this way as well. Even aroace is as well! There are so many details and intricacies to our feelings, desires, repulsions, aversions, preferences, wants, etc. that no label could possibly encompass all important aspects of our identity! At some point, there’s gotta be a breakdown where we realize that labels are a quick summary of how we feel, not the end all, be all of who we are or how we’re allowed to feel.

Aspec people calling themselves aromantic, asexual, or aroace all know there is a tradeoff to not outright specifying the spectrum part of their identity, and they are making the choice for themselves that they are okay and comfortable with what that entails. It should not be up to us to try and shame them out of that. As aspec people, we are not taking anything from each other by using our own community’s terms!!! It’s a difficult amatonormative, sexnormative, heteronormative world we must navigate. Our terms and our community should make it easier for us to navigate these minefields, not create more minefields to trip each other up in.

I’d be completely fine if “oriented aroace” itself was a term to specifically be defined in a strict manner. I am not okay with the bold claims that oriented aroaces somehow own the pattern of merging together identity terms in non-standard ways to describe themselves, specifically owning oriented+aroace, of which I have an incredibly hard time believing they invented.

So far, I’m not seeing how it harms us to keep orientation+aroace something open. However, I am hearing from people who are hurt by trying to make it more exclusive.

[arosnowflake]

don’t reblog this maybe but this intracommunity aro/aspec discourse has really highlighted how my experiences with being aroace differ from the majority of the aroace community and it makes me. uncomfy.

(I was gonna do the following section in the tags but it got too long so. enjoy the rambly post I guess.)

It’s so weird too??? In almost all ways, I’m the most stereotypical aroace to have ever aroaced; I’m sex- and romance repulsed, I do not want either sexual or romantic relationships, I want a qpr (I realize that wanting a qpr is not the norm outside of aro communities, but this assumption does kind of tend to exist within aro communities, although from what I’ve seen that has certainly died down), I found out I was ace in my late teens and figured out I was aro a year or two after that, I do not nor have I ever experienced any type of romantic or sexual attraction (aka I’m not gray-ace or gray-aro), I’m not an oriented aroace, etc. 

Unlike with my trans/nb identity I tend to actually relate to the wider aroace community; it’s by far the easiest queer identity I have because I generally fall within the parameters of what’s ‘expected’ of an aroace 99% of the time. There’s really only two major exceptions:

I do not find it difficult to distinguish between my aromanticism and my asexuality. They are not the same for me. I see my asexuality and aromanticism as two separate identities that just so happen to coincide. 

I consider my aromanticism to be a LOT more important than my asexuality. Really I’m more aro(ace) than aroace if you get what I mean.

And BOY are those differences highlighted by the recent discourse.

Like, I know that to aroaces who already feel alienated by the aroace community this must seem eye-roll-worthy, and I acknowledge how lucky I am that I (mostly) managed to feel safe and comfortable in the aroace community (albeit it more on the aro side of things than on the ace side), but like??? I’m really unused to feeling so alienated from the aroace community and it’s uhhhh unfun.

But honestly in this discourse? I just cannot at all relate to or get behind the aroace community’s approach to it. I don’t feel threatened by the idea that we might have a complete separation from the ace community. As a matter of fact, that’s what I want. If it were up to me and I didn’t have to take the feelings of anyone else into account, I’d want a complete separation between the ace and aro communities. I’d want to maintain strong ties between the communities, obviously, but I’m so fucking tired of being grouped together with the ace community. I want the aro community to be able to stand on its own as the ace community’s equal, not their younger sibling who still needs guidance. I want us to be our own thing without relying on the ace community at all. I want a complete separation of asexuality and aromanticism. 

I acknowledge, however, that this is likely not practical. There are too many aroaces tying us together, and we share too much history. It would be unfair to aroaces who cannot separate their aromanticism and asexuality and/or just don’t want to choose like that to just implement a complete schism without regard for consequences. I acknowledge that. I still want it.

It’s not that I hate the ace community. I really don’t. I honestly don’t feel as bitter towards it as a lot of the aro community seems to. I really think that the ace community is one of the most welcoming communities I’ve ever been in; they helped me understand my asexuality in a way that lifted me up and made me secure in it, and I’m really thankful to them for helping me through that vulnerable time. I think that it’s amazing what the ace community has managed to achieve in such little time; barely a decade ago, we were nothing, and now, we are steadily on our way to becoming a widely recognized sexuality, with well-organized groups and clear objectives. It’s seriously impressive.

At the same time, however, they royally screwed up my aro education, to the point where even though I was very, VERY clearly aromantic I was extremely hesitant to adopt the label, and it wasn’t until I actually managed to get involved in the aro community via a mutual that I actually started embracing it; in fact, before I talked to that mutual, I was really only peripherally aware of the existence of an aro community. I did not understand what a qpr was. I did not understand how the aromanticism was a spectrum, or know any aro identities outside of aro, gray-aro, and demiro (it was thanks to another mutual that I got off my initial high horse about greyro identities and actually started researching them with an open mind, by the way. I’m still definitely not perfect and consider them to be my largest blind spot in the aro community, but at least I’m trying to learn). I was not aware of any aspects of aro culture, or at least they didn’t register (white ring, arrows, etc. etc). And those were really just minor things.

The big kicker for me is that, honestly, my experience with the way the ace community treated aromanticism was. kinda different from what most aros seem to have experienced. Maybe it’s the people I interacted with, the blogs I followed, idk, but whatever it is, I got the impression that my aromantic traits were part of my asexuality. I never really felt like the ace community was pushing the ‘aces can love!’ message too hard; instead, I got the opposite. I got posts joking about how aces don’t get crushes. About how aces are annoyed with romantic subplots. I got essays written where the author stated that they don’t feel romantic attraction because they are asexual. I got posts about how characters who said “I don’t understand/want romance” are ace. I got ace activists who talked about being aroace without ever mentioning the ‘aro’ part, or who mentioned it in passing at best, and who often still positioned themselves as authorities on aromanticism despite that. All the time that I’ve spent in the ace community, and I consistently saw asexuality conflated with aromanticism. I still see it every time I go into the ace community. It’s why I’m not active in it anymore. 

As a result, I did not understand the impact that my aromanticism had my life, or even that I was aromantic at all; I got the impression that all my aro traits could be ascribed to my asexuality. As a result, I spent a long time identifying as a non-SAM-using ace, then as an aroace who strongly favored their asexuality, and then an aroace who didn’t think their aromanticism could be separated from their asexuality. But, as I have stated earlier in this essay, I can separate them. Very easily, even. I just didn’t have the proper tools yet to identify my aromanticism. This was also the reason why I thought my asexuality was more important; I didn’t have the proper tools to recognize my aromanticism, and with that, the effect it had on my daily life.

(Disclaimer: I’m obviously not saying that all aroaces who consider their aromanticism to be part of their asexuality, or who can’t distinguish between them, or who favor their asexuality are going to have the same experience that I did. Plenty of aroaces won’t. I’m just talking about a personal experience.)

The ace community screwed up my aro education by failing to recognize that aromanticism is not a facet of asexuality. While the ace community loves to remind everyone that aces can still feel romantic attraction, they are blindsided to the fact that aros can still feel sexual attraction. That aromanticism is not inherently tied to asexuality, and that the experiences of aroaces who cannot seperate their aromanticism and their asexuality aren’t universal in the aro community by any means. 

I can forgive the ace community for not educating me on things coined by or primarily used by aros, such as qpr’s, aro culture elements, and greyro identities. They are not required to keep up with every step that our community takes. I cannot forgive them for failing to provide me with basic information on aromanticism other than the acknowledgement that it existed, for consistently conflating aromanticism and asexuality, for failing to give me the proper resources to figure out my aro identity, when we are supposed to be ‘connected’ communities. 

TL;DR: my aro education got severely fucked up by the assumption that all aros are asexual, and if it hadn’t been for a complete fluke of striking up a conversation with someone who happened to be involved in the aro community, I might have never been able to properly appreciate or recognize my aromanticism. 

You can see how these experiences kind of overlap with those of allo aros. Obviously, they’re not the same, like at all, but the fact of the matter is that I can relate to the bitterness that allo aros feel towards the ace community. Often a lot more than I can relate to aroaces’ feelings towards the ace community, be they negative or positive. 

And because of those experiences, you can see why I’m distrustful of letting the ace community stay intrinsically connected to the aro community. They are larger, and therefore have a louder voice and more reach; if we, as aros, don’t grow on our own, outside of the ace community’s shadow, I’m genuinely unsure of whether we’ll ever be able to reach our full potential. Because as it stands, the majority of aros will need to go through the ace community first, and I think they’ve sufficiently proven to be wholly inadequate in providing aros resources to figure out their aromanticism. And frankly? I don’t want the ace community to be the primary educators on aromanticism. That’s a recipe for disaster no matter what. I want the aro community to be the go-to place for information on aromanticism, and that can only happen if we are as loud, as big as the ace community. 

I don’t relate to a lot of aroaces’ torn feelings between the ace community and the aro community, because in my case, that choice was made a long time ago: it’s the aro community. It will always be the aro community. While I’m thankful towards the ace community for sheltering me when I was vulnerable, and while I will always stand with them if they need to fight against assholes or need to spread awareness, and while I’ll probably never really drop the ace label and will occasionally participate in ace-centric discussions, they are not my priority, because I was never theirs. There is no love lost between me and the ace community. My aromanticism is the part of me that is most prominent in day-to-day life, and it’s what I consider to be the most important because of that; the aro community is tiny still, struggling to gain recognition and find a direction, and it needs my support more than the ace community ever did. 

Furthermore, in this discussion, I strongly believe that the aro community needs to prioritize the feelings of allo aros, and other non-asexual aros and aros who do not feel comfortable in the ace community for other reasons.  While we aroaces are definitely important and should obviously have a say in the way the community is heading (I mean. Duh. We’re aro), I’m uncomfortable with aroaces taking charge of community conversations because I feel like that’s just a repeat of what’s been happening in the wider aspec community for a long, long time: ace people taking charge, leaving less-recognized aros in the dust. Obviously, a large part of that is due to my own personal experiences with aces talking over aros for the majority of my aro education, and I’m (perhaps irrationally) scared that the same thing is going to happen here. But a large part of it is also due to the fact that, as is, aroaces are the largest voice in the aro community; this is an undeniable fact. It would be easy, way too easy, for us to unknowingly drown out the voices of allo aros, when we should be amplifying them and giving them a place of honor. The ace community’s problems with aromanticism affect non-asexual aros the most and in unique ways, and I feel like they should be leading the discussion surrounding it no matter what, really.

But I feel kind of like a traitor to aroace people because of this. My needs for the aro community obviously don’t align with that of other aroaces; I’d be willing to let relationships with the ace community burn entirely if it meant securing a spot for the aro community, which would obviously fuck over aroaces who DO need the ace community and want to participate in it, and aroaces who just simply aren’t capable of separating their aromanticism from their asexuality. I just fundamentally cannot relate to those needs and the feelings that come along with it. I just can’t. 

As a result, aside from reblogging some posts, I’ve been mostly quiet about my personal opinions on the topic. I do not feel like I’m the right person to be involved in this discourse; as an aroace, I have too much emotional baggage surrounding the ace community to advocate for their needs and I have been absent from the ace community for too long to have a good grasp on it anyway; and as an aromantic plain and simple, I do not feel like I should be leading this charge anyway because of my asexuality. While I find it bad to split the aro community in terms like that (I don’t believe that this discourse is a simple matter of aroaces vs. allo aros; it’s much more complicated than that, and I’ve seen aroaces and allo aros supporting each other, and of course there’s also non-SAM-aros and greyros/grayaces to consider in this discourse, which I haven’t really seen come up yet aside from a handful of posts), it really does often feel like this is the split around which the discourse is centered. And it sucks to not easily be able to identify with either ‘side’, and to lose the security I thought I had in the (aro-leaning side of the) aroace community. 

This is probably the last I’m going to say on this intracommunity issue on my own; I’ll be reblogging posts and watching it go down, but I don’t feel like I’m in any way equipped to really have meaningful say in this discourse. I might change my mind later on, but as of now, this is where I stand: confused, mainly.

[andimackfaneditsss]

Okay not counting Cyrus who is confirmed to be lgbt already, how would you rank the other potentially lgbt characters in Andi Mack from most to least likely to be lgbt?

Amber — Bi/Lesbian, she’s anything but straight. And if the way she acts around Andi is any indication, she’s definitely crushing on her. Most likely 🏳️‍🌈.Andi — Pan/Bi, she seems like a very open person and the way she reacted to Cyrus having a crush on Jonah indicates she doesn’t find it weird or different in the slightest. Also she just has really easy chemistry with both Walker and Amber so she could go either way if she wanted to. Most likely 🏳️‍🌈.Bex — Bi. Hands down. It’s basically canon. She hit it off with Miranda and flirted like there was no tomorrow starting today. But she also deeply cares for Bowie still. And maybe hung up still on her Toxic Ex!Gabriel? She’s a lil messy is all but she’s definitely 🏳️‍🌈.Bowie — Pan/Bi? He seems like a pretty open person as well and has only dated women so far but that doesn’t invalidate him if he were to come out as bi. Idk I just feel like he could possibly be 🏳️‍🌈.Walker — Straight/Bi/Pan?? Haven’t seen enough of him yet to determine but he could be anywhere on the scale. He seems like he’s open and I just get that kind of vibe from him. He could possibly be 🏳️‍🌈.Jonah — Bi? He really liked Andi at first. Now? Who knows. That boy needs to work out some issues first and get help before I can ship him with anyone. But I’ll admit, he has great chemistry with Cyrus. He may be dealing with some internalized homophobia though. Could be why he’s trying so hard to chase after Andi even though his feelings for her have passed? And he’s starting to realize he like-likes Cyrus? Idk. Probably (please don’t @ me on this) 🏳️‍🌈. He might be. But I’m questioning it because the boy has been questioning everything lately. I’m not sure about him rn.Buffy — Aro/Ace? She could just be focused on school, sports, friends, and family at the moment but she strikes me as being not that enthused about all this relationship stuff. Ofc it’s been discussed recently that she’s apparently crushing on a boy so that theory could be out the window…? Or she could be somewhere on that spectrum still? Idk. Maybe 🏳️‍🌈.Tj — Gay? Tbh we haven’t seen much of him being anything but a jerk or a frustrated jock so I have no idea what his likes/dislikes are let alone his orientation. He has been pretty soft with Cyrus though so (I don’t ship Tyrus btw but I see it) maybe he’s 🏳️‍🌈? It’s a possibility.Marty — Straight, there’s really nothing that has shown he explicitly likes the opposite gender. Then again, nothing has shown he likes anyone but Buffy. So since his story began and ended with his crush on Buffy and how he was heartbroken his feelings were unreciprocated? I believe he’s absolutely straight and far from being 🏳️‍🌈. Just my opinion. I’m not invalidating any hc you may have.Iris — Straight. Hands down. You can have the hc she isn’t, that’s fine, but she was so clueless when Cyrus said their kissing wouldn’t get better and he was sorry about it that I wholeheartedly believe she’s absolutely straight. Even a closeted gay or a yet-to-realize-they-are-that-way gay has their gaydar going. Just saying. She’s most likely not 🏳️‍🌈.Celia — Straight. She straight as a ruler. Not 🏳️‍🌈.Ham — Straight. Not at all 🏳️‍🌈.

[lampfaced]

unpopular opinion ahoyyyy

what I say: I ship Brainstorm/Nautica

what it sounds like I mean: I want them to make out and have sexytimes

what I actually mean: I wouldn’t actually change anything about their current dynamic of idiot nerd besties that have small intimate moments like hand-holding; but I don’t know how else to express how much I love their relationship in one word - I can’t figure out where the fuck the line between romantic and platonic love should be drawn because I’m aromantic and don’t fully understand what one of those is, and as a result I choose to headcanon them as somewhere on that weird-ass spectrum but not on one end or the other; trying to describe it as either one or the other doesn’t really work so I leave off any further descriptors

also I don’t want them to have do the nasty with each other; I don’t want anyone to bang because I’m sex-repulsed and keep that element out of every single ship of mine

elaboration in no particular order: 1) being aro-ace I don’t understand why a platonic relationship can’t be just as important, or more important and fulfilling than a romantic/sexual one, or that without sex/romance in a relationship it’s just not as great; but “platonic relationship” seems, to society at large, to mean “just best friends” when that’s not always the case, and because of that describing it as “just platonic” doesn’t cut it for me; 2) like I said, I have no idea where to even separate what counts as platonic or romantic, and it can vary so widely between individual cases what counts as something you’d do only with a romantic partner vs. what you can do with a close friend, so what some might see as romantic another might see as close platonic love, and I waver a bunch on whether I’d consider the ship one or the other but I say I’m okay with it either way; 3) they’re already amica endura and it’s the closest damn thing I’ve ever seen to a fictional equivalent of queerplatonic partnerships, and I choose to see them as having the capacity to be happy being each other’s queerplatonic life partners/most important people in each others’ lives and not need any other big relationships in addition, so “ship” or “OTP”  is still the best shorthand for me to describe it

idk with the series ending soon, and the recent little displays we’ve gotten so far in the comics that have resulted in people getting irritated with Stormy Seas implications over the other more popular “gay ship” options for the two (Perceptor for Brainstorm, Velocity for Nautica), I’ve been... mulling a lot. not gonna get into why I don’t ship them with said other options here because that’s slightly besides the point but if asked I may elaborate. I realize I don’t owe an explanation to anyone about why I ship what I do, or why I should have to explain why I don’t see it as a strictly “hetero” ship and that makes it more acceptable than an actual “hetero” ship. but for some reason I still wanna put this out there.

*I’ve put “hetero” in quotes because of how hetero-appearing couples could be made up of people that are bi/pan/ace or outside the gender binary, it doesn’t mean they’re straight, and also while they’re absolutely the majority, straight couples aren’t by default inferior to queer ones

[aroworlds]

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Sebastian

Our next aro-spec creator is Sebastian, better known on Tumblr as @gloriousmonsters and @mangledmouth!

Sebastian is a bisexual, autistic, aromantic trans man who is single-handedly covering many literary bases in producing original aro and queer short stories, novels and poetry. Aside from his Tumblr blogs, you can find and support more of his work at his Patreon. If you have a dollar or two you’re wanting to invest in worthy aro-spec talent on a less-regular basis, please take a look at Sebastian’s Ko-Fi!

With us Sebastian talks about identifying with the role of villainy in narrative as an aro creative, aromantic characters and grand emotional gesture, the divide between representation and self-expression, and some spectacular-sounding work-in-progress book titles! His investment in aromantic characters and characterisation shapes every word, so please let’s give him all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

It took me a while to realize I was aromantic, but it was one of the things that made me go ‘oh, that makes … a lot of sense’ when I looked back at my childhood. I was a weird, isolated kid, so I didn’t learn from bouncing off other children; I learned through stories.

One of my strongest early memories is of watching a poorly made Red Riding Hood film over and over again, belting out the lyrics to the (poorly written) villain’s song, called ‘Man Without A Heart’. Cut to a year or so later, watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein Cinderella (still the best Cinderella, IMO), I was utterly fascinated by the villainess singing: ‘Falling in love with love is falling for make-believe…’

I didn’t know, that early, that I didn’t feel romantic love. Not consciously. But there was something utterly, obsessively interesting about villains that sneered at love, who were called heartless, who challenged the narrative that there must always be a love story and it must come out right no matter what. I felt, on a deep level, that these people were like me somehow. The additional queercoding and common side-helping of mental illness helped - or didn’t help, depending on your perspective. I grew up knowing, deep down, what my part in life was: I was the villain.

When I hit my rebellious age, it first came out by my saying, ‘But being a villain doesn’t mean you have to be wrong or unhappy’. I began collecting villains like nobody’s business, and writing stories that more and more often centered people whose character types I’d only ever seen as villains. And from there we arrive at today!

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Recently, my brother (who is my sounding board for a lot of stories, as I am for him) looked at my books-to-write list and said, ‘Nearly every idea you have is a deconstructed romance or strong non-romantic relationship.’

I love strong relationships, so I originally thought I needed to write people as love interests to get that; these days I feel more free to focus on whatever the heck I want, and being aro shows in everything. My current WIP centers a poly relationship where two of the partners are aromantic. Two people (often, but not always, a man and a woman due to my frustration with the ‘men and women can’t be friends’ thing) who are the most important people in each others’ lives and are platonic, show up over and over again in my novel ideas; I start with relationships that look like romances and then pull them apart. Part of this, I think, is due to my autistic ‘let’s take this into component parts and see how it works’ tendencies; being autistic and being aro aren’t cause and effect, for me, but they play well together.

When I write poetry, some of it deals explicitly with being aromantic, but all of it is non-romantic. It makes me kind of anxious sometimes to think of people interpreting pieces as being romo because they’re about intense emotions; one of the biggest ways being aro is expressed in my writing is my constant attempts to show other feelings, connections and relationships than romance being worthy of big feelings and gestures. I’ll sometimes refer to myself as ‘aromantic but capital-R Romantic’ (i.e.  extremely dramatic) because of that.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

I’m sure I’ll run into more problems as I try to take my increasingly aro and queer and ND works to professional markets, but at the moment my biggest problem is self-censoring. I sit at an awkward junction of having multiple identities I want to include in my work, and being … well, someone who grew up obsessed with villains, who later on developed a decade’s interest in slasher horror, and who still tends to write people who are perceived as, or see themselves as, villains. Awkward because I always have that voice in my head (helped along by some of the stuff I see on social media) going ‘that’s not good rep! nobody will want to read this!’

But I know from experience that not writing from the heart (and look at that, I do have one after all!) doesn’t end well, so I’m working on getting good at writing my weird dark stuff and hoping I’ll find the audience for it. And I always leave a little bit of light in it, because I have another voice in my head, still saying, ‘just because you’re a villain doesn’t mean you can’t be happy’.

It’s a weird sort of positivity, but it works for me.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

Following and submitting to this blog is part of my first attempts to actually join the aro-spec community. I tend to move slowly and be very nervous of talking to new people, but I’ve been trying to be more affirming of my aromantic identity lately, and seeking out other aros is part of that. Hopefully I’ll settle in a little more as time passes.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

At the moment, people following and reblogging from my poetry blog @mangledmouth would be much appreciated. It’s hard to get traction with poetry (especially if you don’t write romantic poetry) and I’d love more people to see my work. I’m proud of a lot of what I’ve done, so check it out! Be warned that my love for horror and oddness turns up there as well, but there’s nothing too graphic.

And Ko-Fi donations or small Patreon subscriptions are always appreciated.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

My current WIP (titled either The Night In Wanting or And One of Us Be Happy, depending on whether I go for the one that sounds better or the one that fits best thematically) is about a third done! Praise me, because I’m really bad at finishing things, but I’m still on track to wrap this up at the end of June. It’s about a Weird Small Town and Sarah, a girl with a reputation for breaking hearts, who decides to date one of her best friends and actually try to make it work. Her attempts at being normal quickly get derailed when their town’s general weirdness turns hostile - attacks by creatures from the woods, unsettling amounts of rain, pictures changing when you’re not looking at them and a really pushy forest spirit trying to bargain with people for a heart. Her attempts at normal are further derailed when she figures out that her new boyfriend is also in love with a mutual friend, and that she might not feel love at all.

I love these characters, guys. This story is finally coming together after years and the three main characters - Sarah, Mags and Fred - have always been at the heart of it, no matter what shape it took. (Mags used to be a ghost, and the story went through a phase of being a Band AU of itself. Fred kept getting possessed, and there’s a joke about that in the text now that nobody will get but me. And now you guys!) It’s terrifying to write a YA that’s not only poly, but focuses on an aromantic main character, but I’m determined to make it work.

(This is is one of the most sweet/normal things I’ve worked on, despite the healthy dose of horror. I’ve also been writing snippets of a pet project called How The Child-Eater Became King, to give you an idea of the other end of the spectrum.)

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

I haven’t got the release date for it yet (it’ll probably be a while yet) but I recently sold a short story, Sabuyashi Flies, to Glittership. The main character, Sabuyashi, was originally aroace but turned out to be a lesbian ace during writing. (Characters often decide to come out while I’m writing, which is always fun to handle. I mean that both sarcastically and genuinely.) I’m already working on and off on the sequel story where she meets her future best friend Nathaniel, who is aro. Working title is Nat Luckless and the Girl Made of Beetles. Look for news about Sabuyashi Flies soonish and Nat Luckless whenever my slow butt manages to finish and (fingers crossed) sell it!